Welcome again. We're happy you chose us. Come
on in. Wash yourself off. Would you enjoy a bourbon
and coke? There's a liquor store down the road.
If you go, I need rolling papers. Well, since
you're here, let's get this daily douchebag pledge
out of the way. All right, bitches, swing your
hips and pelvic thrust. Shout it out with me.
I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise to download
every podcast. I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise
to make... All friends, family members, and workmates
download the show. I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise
to grab idle computers, work computers, friends
computers, community computers, and other assorted
phones and listening devices and download the
show from there. I, Joe or Jane Listener, will
download the show and constantly barrage everyone
with show name and platforms. I, Joe or Jane
Listener, promise to wear a chicken costume and
screen the show's name from my front yard. And
finally, because of our 13 -year -old boy humor,
you must go to Knobloch Cooter Licking in Uranus,
Missouri to take selfies with the signs. If you
go to Uranus, go to the fudge factory. Yes, there's
a fudge factory in Uranus. No joke. Here at Two
Douchebags and a Microphone, we don't stand behind
our journalistic integrity. Go ahead and assume
we got the story wrong. At least we admit it.
Not like all those other guys. We can and will
lie if it makes the story better. Two douchebags
and a microphone. This is a voice guide from
your favorite podcast, Two Douchebags and a Microphone.
People often ask us how they can find us when
doing a remote broadcast. One, smell. Go to the
city market and start sniffing. Our aroma has
been described as a mixture of flea powder for
goats, Tabasco sauce, and old sock with dark
fuzzy urine. Two, look for the spot absent of
patrons. Three, the most telling sign is a crowd
of patrons vomiting uncontrollably. Four, just
call us at 816 -512 -7717. All aware of the Amber
Alert, right? Well, get rid of your disinfectants
and rubber bedspreads, kids. It's the all -new
Amber Herd Alert System. This fantastic early
warning device helps one stay dry and rid of
all those annoying mattress invoices. Simply
hook up to child under six or psychopath and
wait for the running water sound. This clever
machine has three distinct settings, babbling
brook, ocean waves, and roaring river for those
close calls. Order today and get a free Cinnabon
Renusic cartridge. constant pursuit for a real
knee slapper it's strange insults from an alien
real hilarity you remind me of a penny toothpaste
and not worth much the apocalypse just happened
you don't know what to do you don't know where
to go but we can tell you what you can eat okay
it's post apocalypse and you're walking down
the barren wasteland that used to be a city.
You find an old can of beans lying in the middle
of the road, but you do not have a can opener.
What you do then is you find a patch of concrete,
you rub the top of the can for five minutes,
then you go to the middle of the can and squeeze
it, and it should pop right open. Invisible ass
paddlings, new douche flavors, and horrible pranks?
The fuck is wrong with these guys? Next up, things
overheard in hell. Fox with socks are the only
footwear allowed in hell. Hey there, fuckstick.
You're just in time for brand new feature news
nobody gives a shit about. In Tulipo, Mississippi,
a structural steel company built a small bridge
to go over a pothole that had been on the road
for three years. Oh man, what the fuck is this?
Is this a new feature? What's inside Mark's head?
Sounds stupid to me. Why do people say tuna fish
sandwich when nobody says chicken bird sandwich?
Sometimes Mark appears to be in deep thoughts.
Usually he is contemplating whether to squeeze
a toot out or save it up for a better place.
But I digress. Sometimes, he does occasionally
have a deep thought. Now we look in on his brilliance.
What if I learned telepathy? And then I tried
to talk to random people. How would I know if
they're ignoring me? I guess some questions are
greater than mankind. Hey everybody, this is
Uncle Rob. I'm going to give you some tips for
life. This is Uncle Rob's rules to dick pics.
Rule number one, title a pic in someone else's
name so if you get busted, it's not yours. Rule
number two, shoot angles complementary to your
length and girth. Rule number four, no propping
of the leg. Two douchebags and a microphone.
I'm Mark here in the Kansas City area at the
Talk is Cheap studio. And I am Rob at the beautiful
Niagara Arm at the Lake of the Ozarks in the
Duck Blind studio. For now. All right. Well,
Rob, how are you this evening? Life's moving
on. I'm busy, busy, busy. You've got a lot of
traveling coming up the next couple of weekends,
it sounds like. Yes, I do. This Saturday, my
fiancée, Princess, her oldest son is getting
married this Saturday up in Seltzer Springs,
Missouri. Is that at the Elms? Huh? Is it going
to be at the Elms? Okay. But you might see the
douchebag mobile driving around in Seltzer Springs.
There you go. Or the following Saturday, the
25th, my stepbrother is getting married in Independence,
right next to Bass Pro. Oh, nice. Actually, I'm
calling... Very cool. If you find it. Yeah, we're
going to be in the hotel right there by. As a
matter of fact, we have a few hits from Excelsior
Springs here in the last framing of our relationship.
Yes, I can explain that. I can explain that.
Oh, okay. Cool. Go ahead. Okay. That's where
both of her sons live. Excelsior Springs? Yeah,
that's where her grandkids are. Yeah, up in Excelsior
Springs. At Excelsior Springs. That's cool, because
when you said Excelsior Springs, I remember looking
at it the other day and going, hey, that wasn't
there the other day. Yeah, if you look at the
date, it was last break. Okay, that's the only
thing it doesn't do here on RSS .com. Right,
right, right. It doesn't tell you the date. But
I was kind of impressed. I'm like, hey, I don't
remember too many from Excelsior Springs before.
Oh, that's my new fan. Well, awesome. Well, thank
you, guys. Thank you for listening there. We
appreciate it. And those would be Princess's
relatives. So thank you. Welcome. Well, actually,
it's her youngest son and her oldest son and
her brother. Okay. Well, thank you all for...
I'm not mentioning names. Okay. Her oldest son
is the one getting married this Saturday. Okay.
Well, thank you all for listening. I have not
met them. Cool. Cool. Well, thank you guys for
listening. We appreciate it. Keep listening,
please. Tell people this is a grassroots thing
and we are growing and we are very happy to serve
all of your potty humor needs. That sound about
right? Or whatever we do. Yeah, or whatever we
do. We do get serious at times. Yeah, we do.
So I was at the city market this morning grabbing
a coffee and doing some podcast material and
research. No, we could not do a Sports Bastards
and Music Creeps. Topher has a lot of stuff going
on right now, so I'm not sure when we're going
to get back at it. But until then, the mystery
sports guy said he's going to pop in and do another
show or two. So you'll have something to fill
the void there. So I was up there writing some
stuff out, and this homeless -looking dude, trying
to be a pain in the ass, he had his music videos
up as loud as you can and was walking around
with it full throttle. There's no smoking in
the open -air concourse. It has a roof and bay
doors, and all the bay doors were up. And this
is at the city market. The bay doors are open,
but there's a roof over it. It's like a concourse
that you can walk around and go to all the shops,
right? But there's no smoking. Yeah, there wasn't
supposed to be any smoking at all. So this dude
would clear his... I can't do a show, Devin.
Oh, were you quitting smoking? Oh, I'm saying
I can't do a show down there. I do smoke. I'm
lighting one right now. You can do a show outside
the perimeter there. You can do a show out there
and smoke all you want. It's just inside that
perimeter you can't because it can be enclosed
during the winter, and it is enclosed during
the winter. They batten down all the bay doors,
so they want to make it no smoking the whole
time. Yeah, so. This homeless looking dude, he
would clear his throat as loud as possible. I
mean, he was really loud doing this with his
music way up and a throat burner going on. It
was crazy. He was clearing his throat so loud.
I mean, it sounded like thunder. I mean, I don't
know how he did it. But he was doing it to be
a pain in the ass. I sat there looking busy,
but I was really examining the nut bag a little
bit to see what was going on, to see if maybe,
you know, he might be going nuts and maybe it's
time to get out of there real quick and let him
go shoot somebody else or something, you know.
So he was blowing smoke all over and he started
singing to his videos on his phone. He was clearly
nuts. Then he would clear his throat just incredibly
loud. I mean, it was so loud it would hurt your
ears. So, you know, he was obviously insane.
He was so loud, people would leave because of
noise. And, you know, and he was so invasive,
you know. It was getting uncomfortable, you know,
to say the least. So people are kind of like
looking at each other going, well, you know what,
let's just go ahead and go. Other people went
upstairs, you know, in the City Market Coffee
to get away from the noise. But I'm like, you
know what, he ran off everybody but me. And I
refused to let him win. Yeah, that's just a kind
of battle there. Yeah, I'm like, fuck this guy.
I'm not leaving. So I did notice earlier that
he would clear his throat and then he would scan
the area for reactions. So I know he was just
being a dick, right? Whatever problem he had
with people there, whatever, whatever he had
going on in his fucking nutbag head. So I'm like,
no, I see you looking around. I see you looking
at me trying to see me grimace with, you know,
discomfort and all that. You wanted that. But
I didn't do it. So then he changes seats to be
right in my line of sight. And then he lets out
a wall -shaking throat clearing. His video's
loud on his phone, and he was singing to it off
and on really loud as well. So I'm sick of the
city already, but like I said, I wasn't going
to let him win. So my strategy was every time
he tried to get me to look at him and become
annoyed like all the others, so I could see his
strategy, right? He was trying to piss me off
to leave. And whatever little game he was playing
or whatever kind of comfort he got in that or
what kind of jollies he got out of it, I don't
know. But he was obviously getting jollies in
it. So when he would let loose with a loud throat
clearing, I would look up the ceiling to see
where it was coming from. I would not look at
him. I looked at the ceiling acting like it was
coming from there and like, you know, tilting
my head, puzzling, you know, very puzzling looking
and like. looking around like, where did that,
where did that fucking annoying sound come from?
So I, he did this four more times and I kept
looking up and looking at the ceiling and examining
it every time he did it. So he eventually, he
took off. So me one, nut bag zero. I won. He
left. But there's more coming up later. But first
I'm going to get to, well, One croctober was
not enough, Rob. It appears now there is two
croctobers. One croctober I hate with a passion.
This is a love for those hideous croc shoes.
People go online and share their pics of ugly
ass shoes. Nasty. They need to all be burned
and people that wear them need to be hit in the
face with them. Well now, move over ugly shit.
Walk on wet concrete with those things. No more.
Yeah, yeah, go ahead. See how cool they are then.
When you're laying on your ass. I like that one.
Yeah, yeah. No, they get slick. I know that for
a fact. My kid's mom fell several times wearing
Crocs. Did you laugh? Oh, no. One time she broke
one of her fingers. Oh, okay. Well, then, yeah,
you probably shouldn't have laughed. I was at
work. Oh, okay. But I told her, I said, what
the hell were you doing wearing Crocs when it
was raining? Yeah. And also, there's no ankle
support either. It's horrible on your feet. No,
it is. So we'll now move over ugly shoes. The
new Croctober is a season of slow cooking stews
and soups. This is a celebration of using crock
pots to cook your seasonal foods such as soups,
chilies, and stews. All other cold weather, slow
cooked foods are included in this Crocktober.
People go online and they share their favorite
crock recipes and such. So, well, as if I'm going
on here with more of the city market now. I already
had that in there and I was going to go ahead
and just talk about it for a minute. You got
any comments on that at all, you know? Not really.
Yeah, I mean. People are obviously bored that
they go online and share these recipes. You can
look this up. They show pictures of their crock
pots and their slow cookers with like fucking
carrots in them and stuff. And I'm like, what
the hell? Are these guys that bored? Or do they
really think it's that cool? I don't know. So
anyhow, I move on. So as if the nutbag homeless
dude wasn't enough. Here come two middle -aged
women with five boys. Their age range in approximately
like maybe from three to six -ish. Somewhere
in there, right? Probably right around there,
right, Rob? Okay. From three to six, and there's
five of them. They were screaming as loud as
they could and chasing the pigeons all over,
screaming at them, running in front of them,
running in front of people. And they were definitely
feral children. Only the two were right there
just sitting there looking at their phones, laughing
away. The two lazy chicks were just standing
there. And like I said, you couldn't get between
them and their phone. Nothing else is going on
in life to them except that phone. So I just
finished my biscuits and gravy, and I put the
container on the ledge next to me, right? Oh,
the biscuits and gravy, the B &G at the City
Market Coffee is phenomenal. Oh, I was getting
ready to ask. I was getting ready to ask. I was
waiting. It was phenomenal. Oh, it was great.
Well, theirs is very, very good there. I knew
it was going to be good because a lot of people
ordered it and a lot of people raved about it,
but I didn't know it was going to be that good.
The gravy that they use and the sausage that
they use in it is so good. So I was done with
the container. I put it on the ledge next to
me. I was going to throw it away a little bit
later, but I was in the middle of writing some
stuff out, like I said, so I just left it there.
One of the boys, he's maybe four or five, He
walked up to me and kept making loud noises again,
so I'm just being tortured and bombarded with
people making all this noise. I'm surprised I
got any writing done at all, honestly. So I see
him reach for my empty B &G container that was
full of leftover gravy. I would have normally
stopped him, but one, I saw him too late, and
number two, you know what, she could figure that
out. He gets the gravy all over himself. One
lady comes over and says really loudly, people
need to pick up their trash. And she looks right
at me. And I'm like thinking, you fucking bitch.
I'm really sick of the dumbasses by now. So I
just keep writing and not even batting an eye.
I go to leave. You know what I mean? I just acted
like I didn't hear her, see her, the children.
I didn't even notice. I was just like, the best
thing to do is just ignore them, just like the
homeless guy. And he'll piss them off and they'll
leave, right? So I go to leave maybe 10, 15 minutes
later. And that same bitch yells, you're welcome.
I'm like, oh, you did not. You did not fucking
just do that. You know, I sit there and ignore
your snide comments. Your little fucking brat
comes over, digging around in my shit, screaming,
trying to stomp pigeons to death, fucking yelling,
waving his arms. And I'm not saying anything.
I'm just sitting there being very polite and
doing my own thing. And then she gets mad at
me because they're a little fucking brat that
she wouldn't watch her feral child come over
and put his hands all over my fucking empty gravy
container. Not my fucking fault. Okay, so she
yells, you're welcome. I'm like, okay, you want
attention? You'll get my attention. I then walk
up to her and I informed her I was preparing
her child for a life of washing dishes because
he was doomed to a life of no direction from
her. So, she stood there and looked funny. Well,
she sat there. She sat there and looked funny
and didn't know what to say. She just said, uh,
uh, uh. So I turned around and I'm like, okay,
yep, there you go, bitch. You just got fucking
waxed because you wouldn't keep your mouth shut
and everything was clearly your fucking fault.
There were people around, but most of them had
left because of all the noise. First the homeless
guy and then the fucking five little brats screaming
and throwing shit and all that. So most of them
were gone except for her and the other lady and
the children. There were a couple people inside
the actual coffee house staying away from them.
They were outside with me on the concourse. They
went in to avoid them. Like I said, I was in
no mood to run from anybody today. I was like,
no, no, no, no, I'm not leaving because of these
fuckwads. I'm staying here because I want to
be here and I'm not moving. So I turn around
and I start walking off to my car. She keeps
throwing out insults, so I yell back, sure hope
he has a strong father. Oh, wait, I bet he left.
So then she looks funny. She kind of bats her
eyes a couple times and she replied, he was killed
by a drunk driver last year. Rob, what the fuck
do you do to that? You know what I did? I got
in my car, I blew my fucking horn and flipped
her off. That's what I fucking did. Probably
so. But if she wasn't, still, again, don't be
a fucking bitch to me and don't be like that.
I can't help that your husband was killed and
I don't, if it's true. and I don't think it's
funny, and I don't wish that on anybody, but
at the same time, I'm not going to coddle you
because that happened because you're clearly
a complete bitch. Okay, here's my comment. Okay.
If her husband got killed a year ago by a drunk
driver, why does she ignore her son? She should
be coddling that boy. That's it. You know what,
Rob? That's a fucking fantastic point. That boy
should be... Oh, yeah, he should be... Yeah.
He shouldn't be a... He would be the one sitting
there on his iPad. Yes. Yes, you're right. She
would have been over there going, little Johnny,
come here. Yeah, and she wouldn't be sitting
on her fucking phone the whole time. Yeah, she
didn't look very sad to me. She was too busy
fucking looking at something on her phone, TikTok
or some bullshit. Exactly. And I do feel sorry
for those children. Those children are doomed
for a life of probably problems because they
got no, absolutely none attention. Not one ounce
of attention from the parents, I guess. They
look like parents. Unfortunately, there's kids
like that everywhere. Yeah. There is. Yeah, so...
Anyhow, you know what? I have more, but you know
what? We're going... 19 minutes deep in this
thing, so let's hear from you, Rob. All right.
A man urinated on the altar of confession at
Vatican City, St. Peter's Basilica during morning
Holy Mass, stunning hundreds of worshippers.
Yes, I said that. Okay. to escort the unidentified
man as he pulled up his pants. The Vatican has
yet to comment on Friday's incident, and authorities
have not said if the man was arrested or charged.
The altar of confession, which is positioned
directly below Michelangelo's dome, is a sacred
Catholic spot where the Pope celebrates major
masses, in the past. In February, a man climbed
the altar and knocked over six candelabras. In
June 2023, a naked Polish man jumped on the altar
with Save Children of Ukraine written on his
back. After that incident, canon law required
the back of the old ape. Oh my gosh. That's a
picture I'm looking at. Well... I can't believe
people do that. Yeah, that's very disrespectful.
But as for the Vatican goes, I'm sorry. Besides
a lot of... I agree. They need to look into their
security. Yeah, yeah. And also, I don't feel
sorry for the Vatican at all. I don't think that
should be done in a house of God at all. No,
not at all. I don't find that funny. I think
the guy that did that is evil and all this. But...
The Vatican, besides, you know, all the sex scandals
and all that, some friends of mine went there
to go visit the Vatican, and they wouldn't let
them in because they had visible tattoos. They
wouldn't let somebody in the house of God. I
would have to go in the house of God. Well, yeah,
yeah. I can get in the house of God. But to me,
I had no respect for that at all. I thought that
that was horrible. You don't turn down someone.
You don't know. That person may need help. He
may need help from someone from God. He probably
needs help from God, this person. And you're
going to deny them? Jesus didn't walk around
and go, if they had tattoos back then or whatever,
branding or whatever it was. Jesus didn't walk
around and go, I'm not going to try to help you
because you look a certain way. He went to the
sinners. He wanted the sinners. He didn't want
the people that were living the right track.
He wanted the sinners. So if the Vatican thought
that this was so fucking evil, why didn't they
let them in first? Right. Yeah. If they think
tattoos are that evil, then they should have
let them in first. They should have tried to
save them. But no. No. Their stupid ass tradition,
in my opinion, prevented them from doing that.
So, anyhow, I don't agree with the guy pissing
in there or nothing like that. Because, like
I said, that's a house of God. That is sacred.
You don't do that. Shame on everybody on that
one. Yeah, really. Absolutely. I agree with that.
Absolutely. So, anyhow. And if you're Catholic,
I'm sorry. But you know what? I mean, hey, that's
just the way I feel. I don't hate Catholics or
nothing. I just think, like, the Vatican is very
misled in a lot of areas. But so are a lot of
religions. Sorry, Ant. If you're listening. I'm
sure she is. It's our understanding that we are
Aunt Loretta's favorite podcast, right? Yes,
yes. Yeah, yeah. And she would be a hit out of
Lee's Summit. Okay, hang on here. Let me see
here. Oh, okay. I had an email. Yeah, let's see.
This is Aunt Loretta. I love your guys' podcast
very, very much. Thank you for doing it. Ed,
you okay? Okay, go ahead. I just had to break
up a dog fight over food. Oh, okay. Sorry. Well,
I'm glad your Aunt Loretta listens and breaks
off emails. Thank you. Yeah. Okay, let's go ahead
and take our first break, and we will come back
with a few emails. Sounds good. All right, we'll
be right back. Oh, real quick, real quick. The
new guy is on suspension right now. Good. After
that last one? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he might be
back. It depends on when he comes groveling back
to me what he says. And I'm going to have you
on a video phone, and we're going to decide whether
we're going to take him back or not. But right
now he's on suspension. No new guy segment today.
So, all right, we'll be right back now. Oh, hey,
look at the time. It's time for the crazy -ass
word of the day. I just made a belt out of all
my old watches. Wow, that's unique. Yeah, it
was a waste of time. Your mama's so stupid, she
thought lightsabers were less calories. Hey,
my fellow heavy breathers, this is Dash Riptide,
your music news. Hey, this is Dash Riptide here.
I thought I'd let you all know, all you music
fans, that I pre -ordered the Aussie book, brand
new. coming out October 7th. It's called Last
Rites. I think it's going to be phenomenal, from
what I read, and you should get it too if you're
a fan. This is Gash Ruktein, and that was your
music news. If it's too loud, you probably have
ear damage, just like me. Have you ever wondered
what something came about? Have you ever looked
at something and said, I wonder what the origin
of that is? Well, so have we. That's why we give
you The Origin of. The Origin of the Goatee.
The Goatee is a beard style that dates back to
ancient Greece and Rome and is named for its
resemblance to a goat's beard. The Goatee has
been worn by many famous men throughout history,
including Uncle Sam, Henry M. Hoyt, and Mr. Spock.
The god Pam was often depicted with a goatee,
and in medieval and renaissance art, Satan was
depicted with a goatee as well. The goatee became
popular again in the 1940s as a defining trait
of the beatniks and jazz musicians. It fell out
of favor again in the 1960s, but became fashionable
again in the 1990s and 2000s. The term goatee
originated in the late 20th century. It was originally
called a goatee. You watch the news. It looks
grim. Is an apocalypse inevitable? We suggest
you download all our podcasts beforehand and
have multiple mobile chargers. We have the post
-apocalypse. One of the most overlooked post
-apocalypse need is first aid. Have several kits
and metal canisters. one in your bunker and the
rest buried near natural markers such as odd
trees or natural clearings, gauze, salve, ointment,
antibiotics, sutures, thread, needles, sharp
knives, and scissors should be in all of the
kits. Introducing Rob Rad's new book, How to
Track Your Enemy by Scent. That's right, smell
your enemy before they get you. Order this gem
now and get a free virtual tour of Rob's secret
bunker in Camderton, Missouri. Also receive a
free copy of his new book, How to Clean Raw Sewage
for Food. The regular Joe Q. public may believe
anything he hears and sees. But not here at Two
Deuce Bags Microphone. Here at Two Deuce Bags
Microphone, we question everything. That's why
we have a little segment we'd like to call, I
Call Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit.
So, let's get this straight. Walmart has settled
a $45 million lawsuit over alleged overcharging
customers with weight deception. Walmart claims
they had no wrongdoing. Okay, let's say you're
going down a 55 -mile stretch of a highway. you're
going exactly 55 miles an hour. The cop stops
you and says, you are not going over the speed
limit, but I'd like to write you a ticket anyhow.
Would you agree to that? No fucking way would
you agree to that. So in my opinion, Walmart
is full of shit. This is a company that has allegedly
paid as little as possible for their help, notorious
for employees not giving a shit. Now they're
innocent. I call bullshit and a story. Walmart,
you suck, and now you try to get people to inspect
your receipt and shopping bags on the way out?
I don't pay a membership, assholes. I don't have
to consent to this bullshit. I have a simple
solution. How about I stop all trade with you?
One day, you will be an afterthought, and as
soon as people wake up, you will no longer be
in existence. Walmart, here's a big fuck you.
Two douchebags and a microphone. I'm Mark here
in the Kansas City area at the Talk is Cheap
studio. And I am Robert the Beautiful, manual
arm of Lake of the Ozarks and the Duck Blind
studio. All right. Want to get to some emails?
All right. Mark, have you ever been caught jerking
off in a closet? Charles in New York. No, it's
a great place, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, you never
get caught in the closet. No, no, it's fucking
fantastic. Yep. Yeah, I did it right before I
got in this podcast room. It was awesome. I don't
know what his point is. I did it this morning
before work. In the closet, right? No, I had
to. The princess was here. Oh, okay. No, I'm
kidding. I know, I know. It was funny. I know
you're joking. I'll just go on with you. I don't
know why you need to know that information, Charles,
in New York, but thank you. That sounds like
a fake name to me. But anyhow. Okay. Rob, please
get long dreadlocks and wear them in your loincloth.
Samuel Juarez, Polk County. Polk County is a
Tampa area, I do believe. I guess Grady Judd,
the big bad sheriff. There's a Polk County, Missouri.
Oh, maybe it's Polk County, Missouri. Okay. All
right. It's probably that. Well, that's down
around the area where, well, not far from where
I'm getting ready to move. Or it could be any
place. Yeah, I'd like to know which Polk County.
Because isn't... Yeah, I think it is. Down around?
Yeah. Okay, so you go to Jasper County and you
go one over. I do think you're right. I think
it is Polk County. Yeah. Yeah, I do believe so.
You can give me emails. I'll check it out. It
doesn't say. It just says Polk County. So Samuel
Juarez. Oh, yeah. Yeah, down around Bolivar.
Okay. And if it's from Missouri. Samuel, write
us back if you hear this and let us know which
one it is. Yeah, because I'm getting ready to
move to Wheatland in Missouri. Well, there you
go. Maybe he can show you his dreadlocks and
his loincloth, right? Yeah. All right, Sam. There
you go. Samuel, whatever. All right. The next
one. Are you doing the I Call Bullshit segment
anymore? Terry in Stone County. I just put one
in. It was an old one, but I put, I recirculated
them because not everybody here is the same shows.
And that was in the last podcast. So, yeah, I'm
keeping them going. I've got a new one I'm working
on right now. It's called, I call Bullshit on
the Government Shutdown. So, that's in the works.
The thing is... Not really. And here's why. If
I was taken aside, it would be political. But
I'm not taken aside, because what I'm doing is
I'm demonstrating both sides do it, and both
sides don't give a shit whether it hurts the
American public or not, and I'm fucking tired
of it. So yeah, I'm still doing I Call Bullshit,
and you'll hear it at Perry and Stone County.
Stone County is right down from Polk County,
isn't it? Reed Springs, that's it. Yeah, I used
to live in Reed Springs. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Kimberling
City and Branson West. Shit, what's that? Hell,
I can't think of it. Shell Knob is in there,
too. Yeah, I see. Oh, well. Okay, never mind.
Yeah, no, it's down around outside Branson. Yeah,
yep. Next one. I can't believe Detroit's bitching
about the Chiefs. Late hits, poor sportsmanship
and all. They need to look in the mirror. Jess
in Colorado Springs. Okay, yes, Jess. All right.
Number one, Colorado Springs is beautiful. Thank
you for writing in, Jess. I'm surprised you wrote
in for the Chiefs. I figure you'd be a Broncos
fan. Maybe you're from here. I don't know. Okay,
because Colorado Springs is just outside the
Denver area. But the good thing is, somebody's
actually taken up for them. Yeah, no, no. Yeah,
it's nice. Okay, let me tell you what's going
on. Oh, go ahead. I was just going to say, what
I think is going on, I think it's dumbass refs
again. It's not. The only ones they're going
to talk about is Chiefs. I think it's dumbass
refs again. I think it's probably going on in
every game. Yeah, it is. And like I said last
one, on the last show. The guys that do this,
not everybody can do it. Not very many people
can do it. Exactly. You have to have an eagle
eye. Yeah. So, and also, the other thing is this
right here. What Detroit is doing is the classic
heat reversal. People are going, man, you guys
are playing dirty. Look at it. Late hit, and
then you punched him. You slapped one of our
guys when he's trying to make peace and shake
hands and all that. You know, All this stuff,
ditch Mahomes, wouldn't even look at, you know,
all this stuff. It's heat reversal. People are
looking at him going, man, you guys are sore
losers and you're dirty. And they're going to,
they go, oh, no, the Chiefs were looking dirty.
They hit, you know, they bullied, what did he
say, bullied Branch? Brian Branch said he was
bullied? No. No, no. What it is is you got fucking
schooled is what it is. When you get bullied,
you got schooled. Yeah, I read that story. Yeah,
it's complete bullshit. And it's an excuse for
poor play and getting schooled. The Chiefs banked
them in front of a national audience, and they
didn't like it. Right. It's a cheap way out.
Well, we may have laid hit, but they started
it. And then, also, it's idiotic by nature, if
you think about what they're saying. Mm -hmm.
Yeah, so the Chiefs got with all the referees
and everyone, they're all with it. They're all
in on it. All the referees get together. You
know what? I'm starting to see a pattern here.
Okay. Detroit. Buffalo. Uh -huh. Cleveland. Uh
-huh. They all do the same thing to the Chiefs.
Wine? Yeah. Well, to me, it's an excuse to keep
losing to the same team. Exactly. You can't go,
well, here's to them. They're kicking ass. Happy
for them. We're going to try to get ours. No
offense, but we're going to try to beat your
ass. No, no. Instead, anymore, they've got to
go whine and cry and act like they've been wronged
when they very simply just got their ass beat.
If they just owned it, they'd be more of a man.
A hell of a lot more of a man. Yeah, those referees,
all of them are in cahoots together. They all
got together every game before the Chiefs, and
they talked. They call them on conference calls.
They all get together and go, we got to go for
the Chiefs. Every game, we got to favor the Chiefs.
That's not happening. And all 32 other team owners.
Yeah, the Chiefs gives half the ticket sales
to the Rebs, yeah. Yes, and all other 32 team
owners agreed. Yeah, the Chiefs are going to
just keep getting it. We don't want it. No, no.
I'm telling you what, if there was a big goose
like that, there would be other owners going,
no, no, no, it's my turn to win. Yeah. How come
that's not happening? It's because you guys are
making up shit. You cannot accept that this little
podunk flyover fucking city, the one that you
never want to hear from, we're supposed to be
there but not heard, and they don't, you know,
we're kicking your ass. You don't like it. Man
up. That's all I got with that. Alright, and
finally, last one. Why isn't Rob doing more of
the comedy segments? Keep hearing the same old
ones. Josh and Holden. Okay, I will answer that.
Okay. Because I've been pretty busy lately. You
know, being princess, and now we're getting married,
and now we have two weddings before. time to
do any of the promos. We have some ready. I just
have not had the time. Now I'm working 7 to 5
and I only have so much time before I can do
the podcast. I'm just busy right now. Rob, number
one, thank you for explaining that because I'm
done explaining it. I mean, how many times do
I have to go, you know, we have lives, we're
busy, we have things going on. Yes, yes, yes.
I have over a thousand different parody bits
on this computer. I see where they're coming
from. I do not have any. I can't yell at them
because they care. And I appreciate that. I know,
I know. You know, I'm not that far removed. I
appreciate that. I'm not that far removed from
going out of town all the time for work and also
having two houses I had to keep up. I'm still
getting caught up here. So, you know, I'm still
way behind. I got so much thing. I have so many
things to do out there. I just don't have enough
time. And plus, with this podcast, we will get
to it. We will. Like I said, I have over a thousand.
Oh, shit. Thanksgiving, day after Thanksgiving,
my wedding, and Christmas. Do you remember his
name? I threw away the... I just... I just crumpled
it up. There's a movie between now and the wedding.
Is that all? Hey, guys. Hey, guys. Josh and Holden.
Holden, Missouri. Yeah, Holden, Missouri. I'm
pretty sure. No, my... Okay. And my aunt's still
big with the alumni. Yeah, and my cousins, well,
they're dad's size of family, holding. Yeah,
I know holding very well. Actually, a friend
of mine, Angel, if she listens, last time I heard,
she lived in holding. Oh, okay. Well, Josh, thank
you. We're working on it. All right, Rob? Thank
you. Yeah, I just get frustrated because I get
this email more than anything, and it's like,
you know, I try to explain to people, but you
know what? Like I said earlier, I've got to remember
this. Not everybody listens to every show, and
they may not have heard it, and they may just
be thinking we're slacking or something, but
no, that's not. So, Josh, if you hear this, that's
what's going on. Anyone else, if you hear this,
that's what's going on. Yeah, yeah. And Topher
and I are also going to continue our podcast,
too. It's just right now we're at a very busy
time. Yes, a lot of stuff going on. So, Josh,
thank you. Rob, let's turn it to you. Okay, wait
a second. No other emails? That's it. No Mitch?
No Mitch. Okay. Ronnie cannot. I got it. Ronnie
is really, really, really busy right now. Yeah,
I understand Ronnie. Yeah, you know, he's got
a lot of stuff going on. Yeah, kind of like all
of us. Yeah, so I'm not after him, but Mitch
is just being a dick. No, well, let me say so.
Okay, Mitch, there you go. It doesn't get any
better than that. Rob apologized even though
he really didn't need to. So, yeah, so Mitch,
I guess, is still mad. I mean, he sent that one
email saying that we're clowning him too much.
He didn't appreciate it. And then he never answered
back after I sent him a couple emails, and they
weren't bad either. I just told him, I said,
dude, you make fun of me constantly. You're always
bagging on me. And I even say it on the show.
I don't try to hide it. And then we jab him a
couple of times and he gets all pissy. I mean,
seriously. I want to know who you are in real
life, Mitch. I want to know who you are. Mitch,
if nothing else, just send me your name. We won't
even say it on this podcast. I'll send it to
Rob. Anyhow, all right, let's move on, Rob. You
got something? Yes, I do. All righty. I have
tonight Rob's bag of garbage. Yay! Okay, let's
reach in and see what I pull out. Oh, hang on,
hang on, hang on. I thought of something. Are
you reaching in right now, the bag of garbage?
Yes, yes, yes. Did you find something, Bob? Oh,
oh, oh, oh, I've got my hands on it. All right,
here we are. All right, good. How old was he,
does it say? He was born in 1926, 1958. He actually
lived longer than I thought he was going to.
32. 32. Oh, yeah, it says it down here, 32. Okay.
His size was the result of a glandular disorder
that caused his body to store abnormal amounts
of fat from a young age. Oh, man. of his life
wow yeah no pain no health no nothing jeez he
lived with his family Measles. Okay. Yeah. And
his specially built coffin required over a dozen
men to carry him. Remember, both for his remarkable
size and his resilience, he remains a figure
of medical and human interest decades later.
Wow. What was his name again? You know what?
Let's give him a little salute. He got a tough
deal. Robert Burns. Robert Earl Hughes. From
Illinois. We remember you today here on Two Douchebags
and Microphone, and we salute you for your perseverance,
you know, for just dealing with that. All right.
Go ahead, Rob. You getting ready to reach into
the bag again? Yes, I am. Okay. Are you finding
one? Okay. See, I don't know why some of this
is garbage. They call it garbage. It's in the
garbage. I don't know why. I don't know either.
We may have to change the name of this. We'll
see. Okay. Rob's bag of gold. I don't know. This
meant Hattie McDaniel, which was the, we'll say
the housekeeper, main housekeeper, we'll put
it that way. good for him the studio afraid of
losing removed the sides good Very cool. That's
a great story, Rob. But I'll tell you what. There
is some garbage in the garbage. I'm telling you.
Okay. Well, it's just a gag, Rob's bag of garbage.
What we're basically saying is little stories
here and there. That's what we're basically saying.
That story was definitely not garbage. Oh, yeah.
It's just a joke. All right. You got any more?
Okay. All right. Sounds good. I've got a Jeffy
X list. Yes. So I'll go ahead and do it right
now. Then we'll take our next break and then
come back with something from you. Sound all
right? Sounds great. Okay. Well, the X. I got
a good one. Okay, good. Jeffy X list comes after
this story. Okay. Holiday Inn Express guests
in Australia, New Zealand, Singapore, Thailand,
and Japan. or trying out a new concept in the
wake -up call category. The New York Post reported
on October 1st, the breakfast alarm clock will
wake up sleepy customers with the smells of their
favorite breakfast items. People can choose aromas
including coffee, bacon, blueberry muffin, mango,
or pear. The device works like a diffuser, releasing
the scent at the desired time. Holiday Inn commissioned
research that showed 58 % of travelers in the
Asia Pacific region said a pleasant smell would
make them feel better as they woke up. So, you
know, we all know that the power of scent is
great because with a coffee or fresh croissant
in the morning can really, really make you happier
than what you were. So, and according to this,
Jeffy X heard about this story and he sent me
a list of scent alarms that failed. So these
were scents. That sounds good. Yeah, yeah. So
these were scents that they were working on to
wake people up with maybe Holiday Inn Express
or maybe another hotel chain or whatever was
working on this. And these are the ones that
failed to focus panels. And Jeffy X, like always,
he was kind enough to go in there and risk his
life grabbing these before they burn them. You
know, they didn't want anyone getting these.
So Jeffy X. That should be pretty easy. Yeah.
Jeffy X is our sleuth, and Jeffy X, we owe a
lot to him because he gets us all this information
and risks his life. He's been electrocuted. He's
been baseball batted. He's been waterboarded.
He's been kicked in the thigh. I mean, everything,
but he's gotten away every time. I mean, he was
captive for three days. They held him in a mud
pit with a football helmet, and they kept hitting
the football helmet with a mallet. Isn't that
crazy? Well, I hate to break the spoiler here,
but Jeffy has something special coming for me.
Cool. I am going to get Jeffy X a season pass
for Lucas Oil Speedway next year. There you go,
Jeffy X. Oh, he's going to be so happy. Yeah,
yeah, well, I mean, he's always on the run because
these people are literally wanting to kill him
because he is sneaking out this information.
Yeah, he's sneaking out this information they
don't want him to have. He's such a great sleuth.
By the way, Jeffy, I live a block and a half
away. There you go, Jeffy. I have a place to
hide. Yep. So, Jeffy X, we appreciate what he
did. So, last year, Rob took and he knitted him.
a flying bat suit, a Sergeant Pepper's outfit,
and what else did you knit him? I forgot. Oh,
underwear. Underwear. Special underwear. It says
Jeffy on the back and X in the front. And Rob
is an expert knitter. A lot of people don't know
that. He knitted him all of these, and Jeffy
X loved that Sergeant Pepper's outfit so much
that he never took it off. Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Yes, I'm sorry. It's been a while. That took
a while to do, man. Yeah. Rob is so kind that
he put in a special pouch on the inside of Jeffy
X's knitted underwear. So we call it the Stephen
Piercy of the Glam Band wrap. supposedly he had
a pouch sewn into the inside of his spandex,
so he could throw a couple of socks down there
and look a little bit better to maybe some females,
maybe some gay males, you know, people that are
keeping track of that. And Rob did that for him,
but we're pretty sure that Jeffy X doesn't need
any help. But just in case, Rob did that. And
the Sgt. Pepper's outfit is black now. We all
know that Sgt. Pepper's, you know, the outfits
that they were wearing, the suits were white
on the album. And Rob made him one of those,
and he loved it so much because he's a huge Beatle
fan. He would never take it off, and it turned
black, and it smells horrible. So Rob is giving
him one for each day of the week when he comes
down. Yes. They're already made. They're already
done, ready for Christmas. And me, I'm a simple
man. I gave him an undisclosed amount of money
to go either buy a hooker or hooker and blow.
until the money runs out, or maybe help his mom
out. Whatever he wants to do is fine with me.
If he wants to help his mommy out, then it's
okay. I think he helped his mom out. Okay, well,
and if he, maybe he split it down the middle.
Maybe he helped his mom with half of it. I don't
know. I don't know. Looking at that Sergeant
Pepper seed, maybe not. So, maybe. Jeffy X has
a list of scent alarms that have failed, and
here it is. Rice, it failed. Can you believe
that? Who doesn't like the scent of rice? Yeah,
really? Yeah. Especially Spanish. Yeah. Well,
it didn't say Spanish. It just said rice. So,
I mean, you know, it could be anything. It must
be white rice. Yeah, it's probably white rice.
It isn't the good stuff. So, okay. I agree with
that then. Toenails. Yeah, yeah, that would wake
you up. I mean, it may not smell great, but it'll
wake you up. Yeah. So I don't understand what
the problem is. The next one of the scent alarm
that failed was moss. Moss? Yeah, the smell of
moss. You know that real heavy kind of a dirt
smell? Oh, no, no, no. That would put me in a
deeper sleep. Okay, well then I guess they hit
that one. Okay. The next one would be talcum
powder. I think I agree with that. That stuff
suffocates you. Yes. Okay, all right. Now they're
running 500 here. All right. The next one would
be burnt popcorn. That would wake me up. Oh,
hell yeah. Oh, jeez. I'd be like, what the hell
is going on here? Who burnt this fucking popcorn?
I think they want some. Yeah, hell yeah. I'd
be hungry. Throw a little bit of butter on that
and eat those black kernels. Great stuff. Great
stuff. The next one is spoiled milk. What's wrong
with that? That would wake up the dead. Yeah,
you might vomit, but you'll be awake. Yeah. They
missed the point, I guess. The next one would
be rotten eggs. The rotten eggs sent alarm did
not go over well. I know, Rob. You got any answers
for that? Or just people are just crazy? Yeah,
whatever. You know what I mean? I know, I know.
It bothers me too, but I can't help it. The next
one is liverwurst. Who doesn't love the smell
of raw meat in the morning? I know. Liverwurst.
I don't know. They're all communists. That's
what it is. That's what the problem is. Got it.
Well, I know it's the literal words. They're
not communists. It was such a popular thing to
say about people. I do it all the time and fun.
It must be a communist. The next one would be
wet ferret. Eh, I guess so. Yeah, yeah, but ferrets
do have a bad smell. You have to de -smell them.
I sleep with two dogs every night. Not a big
thing. Okay, cool. You wear condoms, right? Hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey. Next one. Burning hair. I
think I can agree with that. No, no. What? Would
bother me a bit. Really? Okay. Okay. I've got
steel holders. Oh, that's right. That's right.
Yeah. I singe hair all the time. I barbecue.
I bonfire. I singe hair all the time. It's a
normal smell. Oh, yeah. No, no, no. When I first
went to... And you cannot tell because there's
hair everywhere. When I first went to the union,
I was learning how to TIG weld, and at that point,
I still had long hair. And one of the reasons
I cut it well is hot and all that stuff. And
I was just getting older and I didn't need it
anyhow. I look like a guy trying to be young,
you know. But before that, I had my hair long
for a little while while I was doing, you know,
welding and all of that stuff through the union.
And I had a pair of bib overalls on. Well, one
of the sparks came off. I was welding galvanized,
which is horrible to weld with a TIG welder.
Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. Okay,
so a big spark came up. It caught the back of
my hair on fire and caught my bib overalls on
fire. And I'm sitting there welding, smelling
stuff. And all of a sudden, I feel this big thing
of water just like hit me. And then a hose after
that. And I'm like, and then I felt burning.
And the dude goes, man, dude, he goes, your hair
and your bibs were on fire. I reached back there
and like a big chunk of hair is gone. because
it was down close to my elbows. By the time it
was done, it was a little bit over shoulder length
and a big hole in the back of my bibs. Okay,
so anyhow, the next one would be canned tuna
of the Scentalarm. Didn't work? Didn't work.
I eat enough tuna salad. Yeah, you could have
a jar of mayonnaise. I mean, have a little tuna
salad, but no, no, they said no. Well, I just,
yeah, the smell would not bother me because I
like tuna, so. Okay, well, I, okay. The next
one would be sweaty inner thigh. I think I agree
with that. Unless. Oh, yeah. Unless it's the
Guatemalan chick rollers, the cigar rollers.
No, they're sweaty inner thigh. They used to
roll the cigars with the sweat from the inside
of their thigh. There we go. Yeah. Yeah, they
would wear like these little skirts. And they
would sit there and roll your cigars. And, of
course, you would buy every one of them they
fucking had just to look at them. And they would
roll them and they would use the bead of sweat
from the inner thigh to roll your cigar. Now,
that is fine. I could smell their inner sweat
every day. That would be fine. But, you know,
anyone else? I have no comment. This is back
in my single days, okay? All right. And the last
one, finally, is diesel fuel. I think I agree
with that one 100%. That would wake me up. Jeffy
X, thank you. Let's take our second break because
we're way, way, way, way, way fucking late, like
always. We'll be right back. So you want proof
that we love you here at QD Spades and Microphone
Central? Here's a proof right here. How about
the drink of the week? Hey, my party pilgrims.
How about Norwegian's famous pineapple coconut
mojito? One and a quarter ounce Bacardi coconut
rum, one ounce pineapple puree, three pieces
of lime wedges, six pieces of mint leaves, and
one half ounce of simple syrup. You garnish ginger
candy on a pick, orange wilt, and a mint sprig.
Take a 12 -ounce glass, shake all ingredients
together, and strain over fresh ice and top with
soda. How about a splash of 7 -Up Sprite or ginger
ale just for a little extra pizzazz? Two douchebags
and microphone in an effort to keep everything
fresh. We offer you first world problems. My
driver's license picture makes me look older.
I'm calling a lawyer. This is Joshua Belmont,
your food for thought man on The Hustle. So I
just realized a genius that gets absolutely no
credit. His name is Marshall Taylor. He is credited
with the first bag of salad mix that was bagged
and sold. Yesterday was his birthday. I believe
he is still alive. This guy's genius will never
be fully appreciated. Before this man... We settled
for iceberg lettuce with maybe a couple of croutons
and some cheese. Was Mr. Taylor satisfied with
that? Hell no. He realized that Billy Americana
would never go out and buy a couple of radishes,
a couple of carrots, a head of purple cabbage,
maybe snow peas, and possibly some cute romaine
lettuce for extra bougie. Mr. Taylor, you should
have a national holiday. Hi there. This is your
ears. Why are you listening to this garbage?
I thought we were friends. Strange, but true.
There are lakes that peel the flesh off your
bones. Lake Natron in Tanzania is so alkaline
it can burn through skin. It also mummifies animals
that fall in, leaving creepy stone -like statues
behind. derived from midge, a small insect, plus
suffix ET. There you have midge it. Initially,
it referred to a small proportionate person,
sometimes used in entertainment world. However,
in association with freak shows and public displays
of people with dwarfism, led to term becoming
widely considered derogatory and offensive. Today,
organizations like Little People of America advocate
the word's removal from common usage with little
person. Or a person with dwarfism being preferred.
Like we give a shit. Have you ever wondered what
something came about? Have you ever looked at
something and said, Hey, I wonder what the origin
of that is? Well, so have we. That's why we give
you The Origin of The Origin of Velcro. George
D. Mestrel found inspiration in his most famous
invention in those annoying little burrs that
can get stuck to your clothing after a walk in
the woods. They came from the burdock plant,
and when D. Mestrel put them under a microscope,
he realized that they made use of little tiny
hooks on the surface of the burr to grab onto
whatever passes by. Hello, this is Satan. You
might know me from my pet name, Inflation. I'm
here to tell you that there's no better way to
relax than listen to two douchebags in a microphone
by a nice warm fire at night. I sit there and
I reflect on all the souls I burned that day.
Enjoy. Two douchebags and a microphone. I'm Mark
here in the Kansas City area at the Talk is Cheap
studio. And I am Rob at the beautiful Angle Arm
and Duck Blind studio. We're out. Rob. Go right
on ahead, my friend. Okay. Do tell. The actor
was previously married to Donna Peele, Denise
Richards, and Burt Mueller. Gene has often been
in the news for his romantic liaisons. Yeah.
However, this time he wants to keep his new relationship
out of the limelight. I think I would too. You
always say it. It wasn't some Hollywood. That's
what I just said. Okay, I think some of that
came out when all that Tiger Blood stuff was
out, remember? And Tiger Blood met you at AIDS
and all that and all this drug stuff. I think
it came out then. And I think he was accused
of, I don't know, raping a guy or something.
I can't remember exactly what it was. The next
day. Okay. Then maybe I was wrong. Maybe he didn't
fess up to it before. Okay. Oh, and this is a
quote from him. Okay. I'm not going Okay. Yeah,
I guess that was an actual interview with him.
Okay, well, all right. Well, you know what? If
he's happy, I'm happy. Whatever. That's fine
with me. Well, maybe he'll keep his ass out of
jail now. Maybe. Hope so. Huh. Hope you're staying
at home. Hey, you're a good chance. Yeah. Yep.
Okay, the new guy, he is wanting to do something
here. He wants to do a little segment about the
trick play that the Lions used that was illegal.
And it was illegal motion, and they were not
set right for the formation, and they got called.
It was an illegal formation, and they were actually
penalized instead of getting a touchdown. And
the Detroit fans and some of the Lions were all
up in arms about that, saying it was unfair and
it was cheating. Well, the new guy, he broke
in here when we were on our break, and he wants
to explain the rules to everybody. So we are
going to have a new guy at the very end of this
show right here. He's going to come up. and he's
going to tell you what exactly happened and why
that play was illegal. Okay? Sound good? All
right. Okay. And new guy, I think this, maybe
he's trying to make things right with us, Rob.
All right. Okay. We'll see. All right. So right
now it is 9 -12. Do you want to go ahead and
end this, or you got something you want to go
into? Okay. It's not uncommon for movies to be
based in reality. Real life events and people
have inspired countless movies over the decades.
Including hits like Schindler's List. And yes,
this movie is a true story. Awesome. No, I'd
say a lot of people don't realize that. Cocaine
Bear is based off a true story. No, I know. I
know it is. Yeah. It takes a lot of liberties.
You know, there's a story written around it that
isn't quite true, but it is based off a true
story about a bear that was on cocaine. Yeah,
they just added comedy to it. Yes. Yeah, but
the base of it was true. And, yeah, actually,
let me go on. Okay. dude I love this movie it's
so hilarious I know it is Cocaine Bear doesn't
reinvent the wheel but it absolutely delivers
a hilarious leave your brain at home B movie
that's the best way to describe it it is Very
cool. Yeah, yeah, it goes into the pursuit. Yeah,
but if you have not seen Cocaine Bear and you
are into horror comedies, that is the one to
watch. I agree. Yes. It is. I mean, like I said,
it's not quite the truth, but they had to build
a story around it and make it funny. So they
did great at that. Well, it's just to sell money.
It's just to sell it, yeah. Yeah, yeah, they
have to. In today's world. Yeah, because the
regular story is actually weird but kind of boring.
So they had to add to it. All right, thank you,
Rob. I got a little story here real quick. Yes,
Chapman, 34, of Portsmouth, Hampshire, England,
was diagnosed at age four with PICA, a disorder
that involves eating items that are not typically
thought of as food. As a child, she tried talcum
powder, chalk, and cigarette rolling papers.
I guess her parents were stoners, right? According
to the LAD Bible, the mom of four... It says
cigarette back then. It would be cigarettes.
Okay, okay. You're probably right. Okay. The
mom of four currently eats about 10 sheets of
paper each day. I look forward to the postman,
Chapman said. Certain papers taste different.
They have different textures. I'll rip a corner
off just to test it, she said. She drinks plenty
of water to help with constipation. When someone
likes chocolate and they're craving something
sweet, they eat it and they feel like those happy
chemicals being released in their brain. It's
like that, Chapman said, about living with Pica.
There's more, but I thought I'd just... I thought
I'd just tell that one right there. So, yeah,
that's what I said, too, about it. Wow. And I
looked up PICA, and I didn't think this was false
by any means. It's from a legitimate news source,
Shepherd Express, I believe. And their stuff,
I fact -checked quite a bit. And these are true
weird stories that they come up with. But PICA
is an actual disorder that people do eat stuff
that is not traditional food. Or inanimate objects.
They might like a bag. Oh man, I want to eat
this. Whatever, a paper box. A very interesting
disorder it is. Rob, you got anything else? That's
all I have for tonight. Like I said, I'm on overtime.
I'm really busy these days. Hi Hicksville. Hi
Albuquerque. Hi, Grandma Opal. Hi, Jimmy. Hi,
Ricky. Good night, assholes. But, but, new guy
is coming up with something following this. So,
Rob, go ahead. All right. Good night, assholes.
All right, new guy, take it away. Hey, hello,
this is the new guy. and I was wanting to inform
everybody about the rules and why the gadget
play that the Lions did was illegal. As for all
the uninformed NFL whiny -ass, bitchy -ass Lion
fans, the gadget play the Lions used, which put
Jared Goff as a receiver, was an illegal play.
Lions quarterback Jared Goff was called for an
illegal motion on a play he motioned from quarterback
to receiver and caught a touchdown pass from
David Montgomery. By definition, Djurgov had
established himself as a T -formation quarterback
by standing directly behind center, which meant
that he went into motion. He needed to stop for
a full second before the snap. He was correctly
flagged, and Dan Campbell is a crybaby pussy
that likes to dirty hit players he can't beat.
in our humble opinions. Plus, congratulations
to Patrick Mahomes to be the quickest quarterback
ever to reach 300 -plus touchdowns. Including
on these touchdowns, he had a little help from
Travis Kelsey, 74 touchdowns, Tyreek Hill with
46 touchdowns, Nicole Hardman with 18 touchdowns,
Jerry McKinnon with 15, Rashi Rice with 9, And
Gray, Noah Gray, with nine. Thank you, guys.
Have a good night. Oh, no. Looks like the show's
over, kids. Mark has explosive diarrhea and can't
afford a wireless mic. Fear not, assholes. They'll
be back invading your ear holes soon.