Welcome again. We're happy you chose us. Come
on in. Wash yourself off. Would you enjoy a bourbon
and coke? There's a liquor store down the road.
If you go, I need rolling papers. Well, since
you're here, let's get this daily douchebag pledge
out of the way. All right, bitches, swing your
hips and pelvic thrust. Shout it out with me.
I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise to download
every podcast. I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise
to make... All friends, family members, and workmates
download the show. I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise
to grab idle computers, work computers, friends
computers, community computers, and other assorted
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download the show and constantly barrage everyone
with show name and platforms. I, Joe or Jane
Listener, promise to wear a chicken costume and
screen the show's name from my front yard. And
finally, because of our 13 -year -old boy humor,
you must go to Knobloch Cooter Licking in Uranus,
Missouri to take selfies with the signs. If you
go to Uranus, go to the fudge factory. Yes, there's
a fudge factory in Uranus. No joke. Here at Two
Douchebags and a Microphone, we don't stand behind
our journalistic integrity. Go ahead and assume
we got the story wrong. At least we admit it.
Not like all those other guys. We can and will
lie if it makes the story better. Two douchebags
and a microphone. We are Kansas City. Ms. Gulkenstein
was tired of Mark and Toe for making sport of
her. Little did the douchebags know Ms. Gulkenstein
was a voodoo high priestess when she was younger.
She grew angry and cast a spell on Rob. Changing
Rob into a capuchin monkey. Mark took Rob to
a local zoo so he could be with the other monkeys.
Here are the adventures of Rob, the capuchin
monkey. Shh, be very quiet. We're going to listen
in as Rob, the capuchin monkey, tries to sell
the rest of the capuchin monkeys Amway. Rob has
always dreamed of becoming a diamond status Amway
as a capuchin monkey. Little did our hero Rob
know. All the great apes owned stock in Sam's
Club and became violently pissed off when he
tried to infringe on their territory. They promptly
grabbed switches and beat his ass for three days
straight. Rob could not sit down. Hi all, this
is Chicago. I am the most dangerous city in North
America. You can't touch me. Oh yeah, this is
Kansas City here. Hold my beer, bitch. Hey, if
you're a fan of paying way too much for trinkets
and food, well, your wish is coming true. Kansas
City International Airport Guest Pass program
is starting today. Yes, you too could overspend
on workless trinkets and $15 cups of coffee.
If you want to buy a $50 cheap t -shirt that
has KC Western Auto Building image on it, we
got you covered. Want a barbecue sauce gift pack?
No problem. Just a mere 40 bucks and you're first
born. Hurry. You know rubes are jumping all over
to get to this complete rip -off. Because people
are sheep. Two douchebags, a microphone, and
an effort to keep everything fresh. We offer
you... First world problems. What the hell? Bridge
construction? Shit. I cannot believe they have
to repair this bridge after 50 years. Ma 'am,
what am I going to do now? I can't wake up 10
minutes earlier just to get to work. This is
complete bullshit. I'm going to write my congressman.
Oh, ma 'am, what the fuck is this? Is this a
new feature? What's inside Mark's head? Sounds
stupid to me. Mmm, Stromboli is so delicious.
I love Stromboli. I wonder if it loves me back.
I bet you it does. Stromboli is so tasty. It's
like a giant pizza roll with more flavor. It's
the ultimate food. Mmm, stromboli. We need stromboli
cereal. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's it. Stromboli
cereal. Mmm, stromboli flakes. Mmm. Next up,
things overheard in hell. Well, that new Hanson
CD is just a laptop. Uh -huh. And now, Deep Thoughts
with Mark. Hmm, let's see. If I identify as a
dog, and I start wandering around the block without
a collar on, could animal control come by and
pick me up? Hmm, I may never know. Ah! Two douchebags
and a microphone. I'm Mark here in the Kansas
City area at the Talk is Cheap studio. And I
am Rob at the beautiful diagonal arm of Lake
of the Ozarks in the Tuck Flight studio. For
now. So Rob, how are you doing tonight? It's
getting closer. Yeah, that thing sounds fucking,
it sounds great, dude. Yeah, it's a six and a
half by 12, but it's painted black. And me and
some of the guys, well, actually the woman that
works in our shop too, signed our names on top
of the paint and then clear coated it. Oh, nice.
That's not coming off. Our names are on the trailer
under the clear coat. Oh, good. It's one of a
kind. You do. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah,
you do. I got a question, Rob. Can you back a
trailer like that up around the corner? Dude,
I pulled a 24 -foot flatbed. You see? I knew
it. I knew it. I knew you could. With four boat
lifts around this lake. Shit. Okay. Yeah, I could
pull a trailer, dude. I work for a boat trailer
company. You might do some lessons. Some of these
truck drivers I see, oh, my God. Oh, yeah, tell
me about it. I don't know where the fuck they
find them, but, man, I'll tell you what, they
cannot hit anything. Well, they can hit something,
but it's not the dock, you know. You're right.
Yeah, so. I've been having a little fun online,
people that were hating on Mahomes and stuff
and their bitching and everything, going, oh,
they didn't get one penalty. Let's see, what
was I going to say? Okay, so we didn't get one
penalty. The fix is in again. The referees are
for the Chiefs again and all that. And I just
kept putting, going, yeah, excuses are for losers.
Yeah, I know, Kev. Chelsea about a hole. Well,
I'll tell you what. How many games this week,
how many holes they got away with? No, it's complete
bullshit. It's not a cheat thing. The refs suck.
That's what it is. The refs suck. And also, it's
questionable. It's not clear cut that he's holding.
Now, you see, I played football. I played football.
and I know it wasn't pro, but I do know a little
bit about it. There's certain things you can
get away with, and there's certain things you
cannot. It's like taking it right to the edge
of the law. Right. And you have to know how to
do this stuff to be successful. It's just like
our, he was our superintendent at school, and
I think I told this story before on here, but
he's all mild -mannered in school, right? Mark,
are you behaving this week? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah. Oh, God, yeah. Yep, yep, yep. You taught
me. I see the light. Okay. Then we're out there
on the football field, and he goes, here's how
you punch that motherfucker. And I'm like, what?
And I'm sitting here with my mouth open going,
I don't want to reveal his name. And I go, let's
call him Mr. C. I go, I'm like, Mr. C just said
this is how you punch the motherfucker and get
away with it. And he's showing us how to stiff
arm as hard as you can with your forearm right
in their face. And I'm going, this guy's a fucking
animal. And he's asking me this morning if I'm
behaving. He's out here calling this guy a motherfucker,
telling me to stomp his face in. Hey, I know
exactly how you feel. Our high school football
coach ended up being Greg Williams. Oh, my God.
Bounty gate guy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I can't hide
that one. No. You Google him, you will see he
was head coach at Belton High School. No, no,
no, no. I know he was. I remember people telling
me about it back then, and then when you told
me, I remembered. It went ding, ding. I'm like,
oh, yeah, that's right. Yeah, I thought I didn't
know that, but then I got the thing. I'm like,
I knew enough people from Belton that they were
talking about it because he got started. Honestly,
that was one of my favorite. That was the name
of the class. Which, three days a week, you were
in a weight room. Two days a week, you were doing
calisthenics, which meant you were running your
ass off. Yep. All hour. Yep. No, no, no, you're
right. No, you're right. But I loved that class.
I learned a lot from that class. Oh, so did...
I know what you're talking about. Yeah. Well,
you see, at Midway, we had three classes that
we could ditch to practice football during the
day. I don't think they do it like that anymore.
But it was study hall and what was the other?
Study hall. There was a couple other ones that
they deemed not necessary. And if you're playing
football, they would allow you to not go to those
classes and go out on the field and practice.
And I can't remember what the other two, but
I remember one was study hall. They're like,
no, you don't have to go to study hall. And there's
two other ones. So three hours a day, besides
when we stayed over, we stayed over every night
to practice too. So, yeah. You got as much practice
in as you could. Yes. Yeah. So anyhow, back to
this, I'm like getting on there and going, yep.
I go to Detroit Lions. I just got done looking
through their, oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute.
I don't see any rings. Hmm. I find it awfully
suspicious that people are mouthing off about
someone that's been there five times and has
three rings to someone that's been there zero
times and has zero rings. And people are just
like, you know. And then Rex Ryan was saying
all this shit and stuff. And I put on there,
Rex Ryan is a little bitch that's never won anything.
Right. And all these Rex Ryan people are a little
scared. Skip Tarballis, I put on his post, I
go, Skippy's a known idiot. And that's it. And
a fucking bunch of people were, like, loving
that and stuff. I'm like, yeah. And every now
and then you've got to go in there and rattle
the idiots. It's like, okay, guys, you know,
whatever. Look, I mean, I know we're not having
the best season up to date, but everybody loved
Detroit. Oh, my God. Oh, they're the heir apparent.
Oh, yeah. Oh, they're Super Bowl bound. Oh, they're
going to win it all. They're going to fucking
win it 30 years in a row. They're so damn good.
Then you see Dan Campbell. Yeah, you see that
fucking jerk -off Dan Campbell fucking over there,
about ready to stroke out on the sideline. Then
you see fucking Branch, that piece of shit, smacking
people in the head, illegal hits on Mahomes,
all this shit. I would guarantee any amount of
money, that piece of shit. But if you read the
internet today, they were all bashing Kansas
City. Look at all them hits. They hate us because
they ain't us. They wish like fuck. that they
were the Kansas City Chiefs, but they're not.
Their teams can't win like we can, and the only
thing they can say is, oh, they cheat. What a
cheap, idiotic, stupid thing to say. That is
a low -budget, stupid person that goes to that.
Show me examples. Show me real examples, not
like, well, one referee. No, no, no, no, no,
no, no. The Chiefs are the ones that... Yeah,
and believe me, there's bad calls on both sides.
Number one, there's only a certain amount of
people in this whole world that can do that job,
that have that quick of reflexes and know everything
that well, the system and everything, okay? So
number one, they're doing a good job. I dog on
them, but they're doing a good job. I can't do
their job. Can you? No, no. I've done little
league softball. That was hard enough. Yeah,
yeah. I get tired of that excuse. I get tired
of that excuse. Okay? If you don't fucking like
it, get better. And if you don't like your team
not getting better, then don't go see them. Don't
go watch them. Fucking vote with your wallet.
But shut the fuck up about us. You know? It doesn't
hold any water at all. And like I said, it's
stupid people do that. They resort to that. It's
just like whenever you dog someone really bad
and they go, oh, fuck you. Me and Davey used
to just destroy those people. Oh, my God. He
pulled out the F card. Oh, my God. Davey, Davey,
come here. Come here. Yeah, what? He said, fuck
you. What? Oh, my God. He went nuclear. And we
just sit there and fucking, oh, no, everything's
ruined. And it would make them so mad that they
would just get even more low budget. You guys
are a bunch of homos. I don't know. See, these
chicks are with us. See that guy, that greaseball?
That greaseball over there? He's with you. I
don't know. I don't know. If I was a betting
man, I would bet that me and him are not the
homos. Nothing wrong with that. I've been there
the nights you do, yes. Oh, we used to just destroy
them. So, anyhow, you know what? Detroit lost.
They lost bad. They look like lost little puppies
that are about to get run over on the freeway.
Dan Campbell, I think, in my opinion, looks like
that he does bounties. By the way, they're hitting,
and they were hitting late. Mahomes gave Dan
Campbell's this fucking look like, fuck you,
pussy. when he was walking off the field, and
there was a reason for that. I see that. And
that's because Mahomes knows what Dan Campbell
did. He was trying to get his people to purposely
hurt him and put him out of the game. A person
like that should not be in the NFL. Never. Just
like Greg Williams. But the Chiefs, there's a
bad guy. It's ridiculous. Yes, it is. I can't
wait for us to kick everybody's ass again. Including
Buffalo. You know Buffalo, the ones that win
it all every fucking year. But every year their
season ends with red, white, and yellow. Every
year their season ends with number 15. So, anyhow.
Now we're done. Yep. So, I'm going to go ahead
and go into our regular stuff here real quick.
Okay. We do like we normally do. Yeah, we just
started. So, unfortunately... We don't know.
At the first part, we don't know which way we're
headed. You know, I've had people ask me what
we're going to talk about tonight, and I go,
I don't even fucking know. Yeah, that's what
I tell everybody. I have stuff here. I have my
stuff. He has his stuff. I don't know. I have
stuff here we could talk about. Half the time,
we just start fucking going off on something
else. It's working. Our numbers are fantastic
and getting better. So, I mean, I guess... Yes.
Just keep it up, and thank you, everybody, for
listening. Yes, thank you, everybody. Yeah, yep.
I just chose a few, everybody. Everybody, yes.
Okay, so, unfortunately, I've been in the hospital
again, and for an extended family member. Unfortunately,
this morning, she passed away, which sucks. Oh,
I'm sorry. The more I visit, thank you, I appreciate
it. The more I visit hospitals, the more I realize.
that they all pretty much look exactly the same
on the inside. The hallways are insane. We're
always trying to get back to the parking lot
from ICU where I realized we were pretty much
lost again. So I'm advocating because I was in
the hospital for my cousin's daughter. When they
came to town, she had her appendicitis. And then
I was in the hospital myself. I mean, you know,
I've been to too many hospitals. So I'm advocating
for someone at all hospitals to develop an elevator
app. I'm sure it can be done with GPS technology.
The app would give you a layout of the area and
all the elevators in that part of the hospital.
So if you can find the elevator, you can find
your way out. You know what I mean? Because you
have these long hallways everywhere. I don't
know why they could not come up with an app.
That you just go, okay, this is St. Luke's. Okay,
St. Luke's South. Okay, it looks like I take
a left here. And then take a right. And the elevator's
on the left. You know, okay. I'm sure it can
be done. And I wish they would do it. So, anyhow.
Okay, so. Coming up in a week from this Tuesday.
We should be headed back to Eureka Springs for
my birthday. And to see the fall foliage as well.
We do this every year. It's a trek we do every
year, I think. I think we did it last year, I
remember, but I didn't have the capabilities
recorded from down there. So I'll be back on
my birthday the 25th for my free dinner at Garozzo's.
I cannot miss that free chicken spadini. And
that's such a great deal. We give it all back
to them, though, and it's extremely intelligent
to do that. We order extra Italian margaritas
because of the money we saved. So it's kind of
like, to me, it's kind of like getting a couple
of free drinks for your birthday because you
kind of made it that. Okay. The Spadini was free,
actually, right? But you take that money and
you buy yourself some drinks. Essentially, they
paid for your drinks, right? Right. Yeah, so
they give you free drinks. So I'm going into
this. Were you ever much of a Westport guy, Rob?
A little bit. What was that place? Well, there's
a place that used to be down there. Blaney's.
Blaney's. Was it Blaney's? Blaney's. It's in
the basement. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, Blaney's. No,
it wasn't Blaney's. Was it? There was Blaney's.
It's in the basement, and it's the only blues
club I know around there. I guess there could
have been ones I didn't know. Well, this was
back in the 90s. Okay. The 90s, early 2000s.
The blues club that was there in the 90s that
I knew about that was in a basement was Blaney's.
Okay, maybe it was Blaney's. Anyway, yeah, that's
where I used to go. Blaney's was cool. I liked
Blaney's a lot. On a regular... Yeah, I loved
the music there. I got into the blues and stuff.
Yeah, the music was great. Of course, the Lone
Star was gone at that time. It was already...
packed up and non -existent. Buzzard Beach was
around, which was cool. No, Lone Star was still
there then. Oh, was it still there at the time?
Okay. Yeah, when I was going up there to Lone
Star, because Lone Star was the other, that was
the two places I went to, Lone Star and I guess
Blaine's. See, it's been so long, I forgot the
name. I also liked the Hurricane quite a bit,
and the Beaumont had some pretty good concerts.
Yeah, Beaumont. I like the Beaumont because the
stage was below you. It wasn't above you. You
could spit on the bands. It was awesome. Right,
right. Yeah. People are trying to spit on Phil
Anselmo. Yeah, people are trying to spit on Phil
Anselmo, trying to hawk loogies on him when he's
playing with Down. Someone had to have got him.
I'm sure he was pissed. I'm sure he got spit
on a lot before. Okay, well, I remember my Westport
days. Every birthday you received a free drink
from every bar. And there's, what, probably 70
establishments in the district, right? Yeah,
it's still that way today. Oh, it is? Oh, it
still is? Okay. Well, yeah, October 1st was my
son's 21st. Oh, okay. So we had a couple down
here. Okay, cool. I guess that's common. Yeah,
it's still today. Okay. Still today. All right,
cool. So, yeah, I used to have to get a ride
every birthday because, man, I hit every fucking
one of them. Even the bars I couldn't stand,
I went in and got my free drink. So. Well, we
had princess driving STD, so. Oh, good. Good,
good, good. Yeah. Yeah, you know, the only thing
is, too bad nobody offered a slice of pizza or
hummus or a falafel. No shit. But you know what?
With the money I saved, I always grab a huge
slice of Antonio's Gourmet Pizza. You remember
that? Oh, yeah, Antonio's. Yeah. That's some
good stuff. Yeah, I miss that place. One slice
is roughly about, what, three pounds, the gourmet
pizza with all the toppings? Oh, it is. It is.
I mean, the toppings. It is huge. It is like
four inches of toppings on the top of that thing.
Of everything you could think of, pretty much.
I think that place went out after someone was
shot in this lobby, wasn't it, one night? Yeah,
I'm pretty sure that's what happened, and then
it turned into a kebab place or something. I've
been away from there since 2001. Okay. Okay.
Well, okay, I've got another thing I want to
go into here, though. Have you heard about the
reverse coke machines? No. Well, you know what?
Let's have New Guy explain it. Does that sound
good, even though he's surly and he hates us?
Okay, new guy, what the hell is a reverse coke
machine? Hello, this is a new guy, and I guess
I need you to explain a reverse vending coke
machine. So, here we go, these two guys. Okay,
a reverse vending coke machine operates like
this. It is a vending machine that you actually
put aluminum cans in, and what it does is it
crushes it and stores them inside of it for recycling.
So, big whoop, right? Yeah, that's what I thought,
too. Who the fuck cares? Anyhow, here you go.
Go back to these two idiots. Okay, well, do we
say thank you, new guy? I mean, he is so surly
and mean. Thank you, new guy. You're awesome.
My last shot. We're not being nice to you anymore.
I mean, you gave him 50 bucks, some camo slippers.
Yeah. I gave him more pencil shavings, Rob. I
don't know what he wants. I don't either. Some
people are a tough nut to crack. That's all I
know. I mean, you know, we did everything for
this guy, and he still hates it. Anyhow, him
and Mitch need to get together, right? All right.
So, a few days ago, I was talking at work. Don't
get me started. Don't get me started. No, that's
why I went on. That's why I went on, Rob. Alright,
thank you. Yeah, we don't want to get stuck there.
So, yeah, Mitch is still being a bitch. So, okay.
A few days ago... What? What did you say? Go
ahead. I'm trying to straighten this out. Okay.
A few days ago, I should have never said his
name. A few days ago, I was talking at work with
a couple of friends. We were talking about pranks
that went seriously wrong. One friend had a prank,
not a Frank, a prank that got him fired. He shot
off a train blow horn in the shop and a kid that
worked there had some form of epilepsy or something
like that. So when he blew the horn, the kid
ran around crazy and stepped all over these plastic,
these moldings for plastic parts, ruined all
of them. And then he also burned himself running
to a red hot steam pipe. So needless to say,
my buddy was fired right there. I bet. Another
buddy said, but of course I trumped them all
with my shit here. So another buddy said he kept
putting little notes in the crapper, just messing
with people. So one day he put a note in the
crapper saying that the toilet was going to explode.
Someone turned him in and it was considered a
terroristic threat to blow up private property.
They declined to call the police, but they did
fire him. And yeah, I know. I mean, I understand
that. It sounds like fun. But I kind of figured
when he told me that, I kind of figured that's
the route they're going to take because they
have to because of liability. Because if they
don't address it and someone gets killed, then
they're liable. So they may know it was just
a joke, but they can't do anything about it.
They got to let him go. So then all eyes were
on me. And they just knew that somewhere, somehow,
I would have a good story of such debauchery,
and they were correct. So I thought about it,
and yep, they were right. I thought of a prank
that I was involved in that would have got me
canned easily, but everybody shut their mouth.
But I'll go on to it here. I was working at this
Union Sheet Metal outfit for years. The building
was undergoing an expansion, so they had a heavy
-duty forklift, right? And they rented it weekly.
For moving heavy equipment around the shop. During
the expansion process. Because we didn't have
enough room. They got a bunch of new press brakes.
And deep boat presses. And stuff like that right.
So what they had to do was. They literally had
to detach everything. All the hydraulics. Take
one press brake out. And then put another one
in. Okay. And they had these things stored in
the back. In this like shed thing. So they had
to rent this heavy. You ever seen one of those
heavy hauling. Fork trucks? Yeah. Yeah, the ones
that can move, I don't know, a building pretty
much? Well, they had to rent one of them for,
you know, to move these huge press brakes around
and the deep -built press brakes and all that.
And even a laser, they had to move that around,
too. So they, you know, so they had this thing
there, and they had to rent it weekly. So when
the company started renting the heavy -duty forklift,
the guy from the rental place, he gave us lessons
on how to properly use a lift. The first thing
he did, he took his company car and put a pallet
underneath it, and he lifted the car with the
lift to demonstrate how powerful the heavy -duty
lift was, right? Well, Rob, he shouldn't have
done that, right? Lifting a car with it, right?
No, no, no, no. Because you know all this evil
shit's hiding in the brush, waiting to prank
people with this new toy. in the job sites. Yeah,
no, you do not do that. This guy just showed
us you can pick up a car with a fucking thing.
So we're all like, me and a couple other guys
are kind of like fucking highbrowing each other.
Mm -hmm, mm -hmm, mm -hmm. Yeah, somebody's going
to get stuck with Grand Theft Auto by the time
this is done. I see it all. Well, luckily it
did not go that far. We worked four 10 -hour
days Monday through Thursday. What we would do
was Thursday late in the day, we would sneak
out to the parking lot. We would shrink wrap
and palletize a workmate's car and put it on
the roof. Yes. Yes, we did that. And the first
time, we didn't know if the roof was going to
give in or not. We knew that the corners had
special braces. They had the breakaway braces
in case of... an explosion because we work with
a lot of hydrogen and stuff like that, right?
We knew that it was a very stout building. It
had to be by nature. But we didn't know if it
was going to hold a car. So after we put it on
the roof, I'm just sitting there looking going,
this is fucking stupid. This is fucking stupid.
If this caves in, not only are we paying for
a car, we're paying for it with no job. And a
building. But it didn't cave in. It was strong.
So the victim, he would come out to go home that
Thursday afternoon, right? And he would think
his car was stolen. And then someone would come
out and go, hey, whose car is on the roof? And
they'd look over there and go, motherfucker.
So the victim would be like standing there stung
going, okay, guys. Who shrink -wrapped palletized
my car and put it on the roof? Take it down now.
So we have to go get the forklift, take the car
down, go, here you go. But it's a great prank,
you know, right? So one afternoon, we did this
to an older guy named Wesley. He was close to
retirement, and he was cranky as hell. So he's
the perfect guy to do it to, right? Yeah. He
was going to retire in two months. And he was
just a mouthy old bastard. So we're like, let's
get Wesley. So one afternoon we did this to,
you know, Wesley. You know, he's kind of like
me, cranky, you know. But I'm working until I'm
150 years old. Wesley did not. He got out when
he was 65. And I think you're working until 200,
aren't you, Rob? I'm going 150, you're going
200 years old. No, I'm going, I'll name it three.
300? Okay, I'll work until I'm 200. I'm not bragging,
but I'm still in decent shape. I think I can
make it to 300. You know, except for everything
falling apart on me, I'm in decent shape. Oh,
yeah? Yeah. Okay, so after we shrink -wrapped
his car and placed it on the roof corner, we
had no idea that the heavy mover company came
and took the forklift and then hauled it back
to the mover shop for routine maintenance. Uh
-huh. Yeah. So Wesley came out after he clocked
out to no car. He flipped out. A guy told him
he thought he saw his car on the roof in the
corner. He was, Wes was furious. So I still remember
the look on his face. He was so fucking mad.
So I went in to grab the fork truck and was informed
that the forklift was gone for the weekend. So
I'm like, hmm, this is quite a dilemma. We put
the guy's car on the roof. with this heavy -duty
forklift, and now it's gone. So I had to tell
the shop super what happened, but I stated I
had no idea who pulled the prank, although I
was part of it and I knew everybody involved,
right? So the super was so angry, he had to have
to call the heavy movie company back, open the
shop back up, and have someone take it back to
our shop on overtime. This cost the company about
$1 ,500, and they were fucking pissed, of course,
because the heavy -duty, the moving company,
the heavy -duty moving company, it closed at
3 o 'clock, and we got off at 3 .30. And you
didn't know this, okay? So they called down there,
and luckily they caught somebody before they
left. And the guy's like, yeah, he goes, hey,
we've got a situation here, and I said, they're
listening. Yeah, someone apparently put a car
on the roof. You'd hear the guy on the other
side going, what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We got some
real weird guys here. Yeah, we're sorry. Well,
nobody's here. I'm going to have to call someone
in to haul it back. Okay, whatever it costs,
let us know. We got to get this guy's car off
the roof. Then they brought it back. So the management
threatened to fire everybody but Wesley, but
of course we knew they couldn't. And then the
union got involved, and the union finally calmed
them down and said, look, guys, nobody's telling,
and you can't fire everybody. Get over it. So
it ended up being okay, but it was scary because
they wanted to fire everybody. They were talking
about going to the union and picking out some
other guys that were qualified. And then the
union had to get involved and go, wait a minute,
you can't fire people because you think they
had something to do with it. You have to absolutely
know, because if not, that's our territory and
we're going to court. So the company had no choice
but to let it go. But they were furious. So luckily
there wasn't any cameras back at that point.
This was the late 80s, 90s. I think it's 90s,
solid 90s, 93, 4, 5, I don't know, somewhere
in there. But there wasn't cameras everywhere
like there is now. Nowadays, you couldn't do
it because they go, hey, roll the cameras. Hey,
hey, isn't that Mark? Yeah, okay, all right,
we'll call him in here, you know. So, yeah, that
prank right there won the prank, the whole prank
off that we had talking. Everyone's like, all
right, Mark, you got it. That's it, you got it,
you got it. So, anyhow. Uh, Rob, uh, that's,
I, I got more, but like always, I mean, we can
go on for three hours. So we go to you. Oh, okay.
Yeah, 77 -year -old woman. God bless her. Babble
Snatch. No, I got it. Okay, okay. I'm sorry I
pulled the Babble Snatch a little too soon. Go
ahead. I apologize. That's about as close as
you get on that one. Okay, that's good. That's
good. I've been studying this one. I just like
saying Babble Snatch, Rob. I know you do. Okay.
That's when Phil took hold of one of the men's
collars and banged his head three times against
the ATM. Nice. Go, Granny. Go, Granny. Hell yeah,
Granny. Beat those thugs. That is. I love that.
This story goes on, but I think I'll stop it
right there. I love that story. Thank you, Rob.
Yes. Granny wins. Granny wins. Yes. Hell yeah.
Go, Granny, go. All right. Should we take our
first break? Yeah, let's take a break. Come back
with some emails? All right. We'll be right back.
The apocalypse just happened. You don't know
what to do. Hi all, this is Mark here. I'm usually
the one telling you what to eat during an apocalypse.
Well, this time I decided to go the other way.
You ever consider just going to ground zero and
saying fuck it? Do you really want to be the
guy running around looking for radioactive deer,
guessing whether water is not contaminated or
not? No food, no shelter, no nothing. Oh no,
there's a strong argument that says, you know
what, let's just go to Crown Zero and see what's
for us after. Just a thought. Sir, I see your
qualifications here. May I ask some further questions
that could help me determine your employment
eligibility? Yes, sir. I'm ready. Well, as you
can see here, we have a large population of different
ethnic backgrounds, sexuality, and ages. Are
you by chance bilingual? Well, sir, I'm not sure
why you need that kind of information, but, well,
it was only one time in summer camp. I considered
it experimental. Oh, man, what the fuck is this?
Is this a new feature? What's inside Mark's head?
Sounds stupid to me. Hmm. Is Alanis Morissette
still pissed off? Hmm. Yes, it's true. Mark is
an old bastard. It's also true that Mark uses
a lot of ibuprofen. But Mark would like to tell
you, if you see any pictures of him roofing ibuprofen,
it's obviously fake, and you're to take the pictures
and tear them up immediately. I just made a belt
out of all my old watches. Wow, that's unique.
Yeah, it was a waste of time. And now, Deep Thoughts
with Mark. Hmm. A padlock is turning a door into
a wall. Yeah. And now we look in on the adventures
of the technical explanation guy. Oh my. Would
you look at the Riley scattering? It sure is
brilliant tonight. First off, you're on private
property. Second, you're in my flower garden.
Third, if you're talking about the sunset, yes,
it is stunning. And finally, would you get the
hell off my property, you annoying fucking bastard?
No bat light here. These idiots just show up
and hope for the best. So you want proof that
we love you here at QD Spades and Microphone
Central? Here's a proof right here about the
drink of the week. Hey, sporty pants. How about
a black currant margarita? 24 ounces of tequila.
The best or what good? 20 ounces of cream big
cassé. 96 ounce big bucket margarita mixer. Garnished
with lined wheels. Served in a tall pollen's
glass. Combining ingredients with Big Buffy.
Stir, seal, and open the bent. Freeze and serve.
Enjoy, poggers. Have at it. Once again, it's
time for Ramblings of a Madman. I believe Congress
needs to synchronize tap dance for 20 minutes
before each session. That needs to happen. Your
mama's so old. When she was in school, there
was no history class. Hey, my fellow heavy breathers,
this is Dash Riptide. Your music news. Rob Halford,
the legendary singer of Judas Priest, now has
his very own action figure on sale. This is from
McFarlane Toys. It sells for $34 .99, and even
Halford's action figure is taller than Udo Dirk
-Snyder. This is Gash Ruktine, and that was your
music news. If it's too loud, you probably have
ear damage, just like me. Hey, good kid. No one
gives an ounce of shit what you had for breakfast.
Not even the person on the other end. You look
like a mentally slow driv yelling into thin air
all through the store. I pray that Bluetooth
shorts you out and blows up your eardrums. What
men consider self -centered dunce. Monty constantly
coddled this dummy and it fucking shows. Go look
back home and bore your dog. Wait, you probably
forgot the thieving because you're too busy looking
in the mirror all day. Fuck off. Two douchebags
and microphone in an effort to keep everything
fresh. We offer you first world problems. What
in the devil? My bank is really out of calendars.
What do they expect me to do? Go to Walmart and
buy a $3 calendar? This is complete bullshit.
I am outraged. Strange, but true. When you're
outraged, Schnitzer. had a heart attack at a
grocery store in Newbold, Minnesota in 2011.
20 people lined up and performed CPR on him for
over an hour and a half until paramedics arrived.
When the paramedics arrived via helicopter, they
witnessed an astonishing scene. Mary Sadova,
a Mayo Clinic flight nurse who flew in on the
emergency helicopter saying, it was unbelievable.
There were probably 20 in line waiting their
turn to do CPR. They just kept cycling through.
Thankfully, 54 -year -old Schnitzer survived
the ordeal. Rob Rad, a man. Rob consumed small
doses of radiation for 30 years. Rob is immune
to radiation. Watch him glow. Watch Rob Rad jump
up 25 feet and grab birds out of thin air with
his mouth. With his mouth! Rob can now be a mentor
for children's parties and bar mitzvahs. That's
right. Come on and rent you a Rob today. That's
right. Come by and rent Rob for a day. A day!
A day! Watch Rob consume seven bottles a night
and still break dance and moonwalk. Watch Rob
Red fart down a building. Fart down a building!
Rob Red. who assumes no responsibility whatsoever.
He is not a babysitter, and he doesn't give one
hell of a shit about your children. Please remember
to corral every little bastard you have before
Rob gets there, and while we'll not put up with
any backtalk, we will promptly get them in the
place. Rob Bragg assumes no responsibility for
anything that could be stolen from his visit.
Rob Bragg has no responsibility whatsoever in
any help him of any situation. Read a Rob today.
Two douchebags and a microphone. I'm Mark here
in the Kansas City area at the Talk is Cheap
studio. And I am Robin, the beautiful and angle
arm of Lake of the Ozarks in the Duck Blind studio.
For now. Let's go into some emails. Sounds good.
All right. Mark, I found a full vintage Quaker
State oil in the old cork can. Will you sell
it for me or just buy it for $100? Richie in
New Mexico. Yeah, yeah, I'll buy it for $100.
Send it to me. Rob, you don't want it, do you?
My top dollar was going to be $75. Yeah, see?
You got it. Okay, all right, okay. Richie in
New Mexico, thank you. Your check's in the mail.
Right? Fair? Yep. All right. This next one, the
new guy sucks. Fire him immediately. Timmy in
Belmont. I don't know where Belmont is, but P
.S., love the mystery sports guy. Please keep
that going. Okay, new guy, you suck. Mystery
sports guy, whoever he is, you rule. I don't
know who he is. Do you, the mystery sports guy?
No, I don't. He just showed up one day and just
started doing the show. I'm like, what the hell?
And he goes, he said, just get out of here. I
left. I come back. He had it posted. I'm like,
wow, okay. Thanks, mystery dude. All right, next
one. Mark, did you see where the CEO of Ticketmaster
said concerts were underpriced? I think that's
true. What a dick. And I think what he meant
by I think that's true is not like he thought
is underpriced. He thinks the guy said that.
Yeah, I think. Anyhow, Vinny Nebraska, let's
have New Guy explain this too. You want to give
New Guy another chance? Well, I don't want to
explain it myself, so let's make him do it, okay?
And if he sucks really bad, we'll just, I don't
know. I'll, I don't know, maybe we'll paddle
him. Oh, that's right, he's getting ass paddling
anyhow. He may not want to do it. All right,
new guy, explain this. Hello, this is the new
guy, and I've been instructed to... Explain something
about Ticketmaster's CEO being a douchebag again.
Well, here we go. I -Nation Entertainment CEO
Michael Rapinoe stated that concert tickets are
underpriced, a view that is drawing public criticism
from bands and artists. He attributed rising
prices to the high cost of modern, elaborate
concert productions and suggested that the value
of live music has been diminished by streaming
services. This comment has come amid legal challenges
against Live Nation and Ticketmaster, including
an antitrust lawsuit from the Department of Justice
and a separate suit from the FTC alleging hidden
fees and insufficient action against scalpers.
So there you guys go, and I hope these bastards
are happy. Okay, thank you, new guy. Jeez, man,
I don't know how long he's going to be around.
He's being a dick. Jeez. Yeah, I don't know,
man. I mean, I think his tummy hurts. I think
he might have gastritis. I think that's what
the problem is. He kind of sounds like he's got
tummy ache, doesn't he? I think he just needs
to get weight. I'll say it. I'll say it. Okay.
All right. Rob, how do you handle jock itch?
I forgot about this one. Asking for a friend,
Jeremy in Denver. Rob? Curse him. Okay, there
you go, Jeremy. I'll tear your jacket any time.
There you go. Wipe that shit right away, bitch.
Guaranteed. All right. Guys, I need your onion
ring recipe. I'm having company over. Johnny
and O .P. Well, you want to have the new guy
do this, too, or not? Nah, you know what? No,
no, no. No, you know what? No. Okay, Johnny.
He's going to start feeling overworked. Yeah,
we've had him do two things today. He ain't going
to do a third. Yeah. Okay, Johnny, I use Bisquick.
Yeah, actually, that's what I use. Yeah, yeah.
Slice your onions up, and you've got to make
sure your onions are damp but not wet. Not completely
wet. And then you sifted it in the Bisquick.
And you can also add like, what is it, like cornmeal
for a little texture if you want. This is real.
And then I like to put in garlic and I think
it's called flaked onion. Okay, yeah. Yeah, flaked
onion and garlic. And the flaked onion gives
a neat little flavor to it. It's like little
flakes of onion. And it's green onion, so it's
like little green flakes. Anyhow, that's... That
sounds about right, Rob. Yeah, yeah, that sounds
really good to me. I've never tried that. That
does sound good. But, yeah, I use the fish quick
and the onion and the cornmeal. That's what I
use. Seriously, seriously. Oh, yeah, you have
to go to a specialty spice store to get the flaked
onion. It's not readily available anywhere. You
don't go into Walmart and get it. You don't go
into Target and get it. Go into Price Chopper
or even Hen House and get it. You have to go
to a spice store. And they do have spice stores.
They might have them online, too. But I used
to go to this store at Independence that was
nothing but spices, and I would get it from there.
So, all right, next. Oh, thank you, Johnny and
O .P., even though your name isn't Johnny and
it still fucking bothers me. All right. Thank
you, Johnny. Are you and Topher doing any sports
bastards soon? Less in St. Pete Beach. Yeah,
we've had trouble getting together. It's been
one thing after another. You know, life happens.
Yeah, we're still doing them. We just haven't
had a chance to. And hopefully this week we'll
get back on track. My schedule at work is messed
up because people are on vacation. So we've got
to fit it in on different days. So anyhow, yes,
it's still going on. So thank you, Les. And this
next one I love. Why is New Guy such an asshole,
Wendy in Oregon? Rob, you got any theories? I
told you, I think he needs to get laid. All right.
New Guy, you need to get away. And you know what,
New Guy, it's not too... Oh, laid. Oh, laid.
Get away, get laid. Okay, okay. New Guy, New
Guy, it appears you need some ass. Yeah, come
on, we're douchebags. Yeah, yes. So, you know
what, Rob? I agree with you. Now hearing it like
that and not what I thought I heard, I agree
with that 100%. Yep. Yep. New guy, I don't know.
Get away would be nice, but get laid, hey, that'll
change your outlook in life. How about get laid
and get away? Or get away and get laid while
you're away? There you go. There you go. New
guy, you're welcome. We may have set you up for
it. Oh, he just flipped us off and slammed the
door. No, we're not getting through. All right,
Rob, you got some stuff, right? Go ahead. Yes,
I do. Tonight's Rob's Bag of Garbage. All right.
That's a big tumor. Really? Wow. Man, look at
her now. She got the last laugh, that's for sure.
Anyhow, go ahead. Kraut was initially misdiagnosed
with obesity and type 2 diabetes. So they thought
he was a fat ass. Huh? They thought he was a
fat ass, right? Yeah, yeah. And even got him
with type 2 diabetes. Shit. Well, that guy was
proactive on trying to lose the weight, wasn't
he? Ozympic, gastric sleeve, all that stuff.
Yeah, yeah. The tumor had caused extensive damage,
requiring a 10 -hour surgery to remove it, along
with his right kidney and part of his small intestine.
Thankfully, he survived. Wow. Well, good. Okay.
I have a heart attack in a bar after downing
three bottles of rum, eight beers, multiple doubles
of whiskey, and cognac, and beating five young
Royal Navy sailors at arm wrestling. He tried
like a true gladiator. Go ahead. I love that.
Well, you know what? I guess that was kind of
cruel laughing. Yeah, yeah. He would enjoy it.
Yes. Wow. All right, Rob. Thank you. That was
excellent. I got a Jeffy. Excellent. Oh, no,
no. Let's do our nipple yank ass cheek bite.
Yeah. Okay. And this is playful. This is something
that we do occasionally. It's playful. And it's
just people we want one. We do a little nipple
yank. Another one that we do is a nut flick,
and we decide who we do this to. And we only
get one person each time to do this to, and an
ass cheek bite. And they're famous people. Yeah,
it's famous people that you would know. And this
is playful and fun. We just want to see their
reactions. So, Rob, I let you go. Go ahead. Yeah,
you better get down around his kneecaps for that
one. No, this is a congratulations on his new
marriage. Oh, yeah, that's right. Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yep. You may never yank for his congratulations
for his new marriage. All right, good, good.
Make sure his husband isn't there. He might punch
you. I may have to get permission. But, you know,
as long as it's a congratulations. Just tell
Rob and his partner, hey, you know, Mark. This
is what we do with douchebags. It's nothing bad.
So, anyhow, go ahead. This is from a fan. Yes.
Yeah. Okay, my ass cheek bite goes to Sammy Hagar.
Okay, I just, I want to see that happen. I want
to see if he tastes like Cabo Wabo tequila. He
might. He brings away so much tequila. I bet
if you, I bet you might, too. And, I mean, he
still looks young, which is crazy. He drinks
so much tequila. So, anyhow. Right. Okay, in
my Netflix, I'm bringing in a cartoon character.
Okay. I'm bringing in Rudolph the Red -Nosed
Reindeer. He needs one. About time. About time.
Light on, light off. Light on, light off. Light
on, light off. Can't argue with that one. Light
on, light off. Be like a fidget spinner, calm
you down. Santa, come save me, please. This weird
guy is spinning me around. All right. My nipple
yank goes to Weird Al Yankovic. It's even in
his name, Yank. Yes, it is. Yeah, Yankovic. So
I want to yank his nipple. Playful. I want to
yank his nipple. Yeah, Yankovic. Not his dick.
I want to yank his nipple. Weird Al Yankinip.
Yeah, Yankinip. That's his name. Weird Al Yankinip.
All right. The nut flick. Goes to Damien Wayans.
Just because you don't see him anymore. Alright.
I want to see him like, I don't know, at a mall
or something. Getting a new pair of fucking runners
or something. Walk up and just go, Damien. Yeah.
Just because I love you. Don't get mad. And he'll
go, haha, you got me. Okay. Alright. Probably
not. Anyhow. And the ass cheek bite goes to the
one and only Al Pacino. Because he does angry
so well. I want to see the look on his face.
I want to see the look on his face after I do
that. He wouldn't have to say a word. He would
just give me that death stare. Like, okay, Al.
I know. You're going to kill me. It's okay. I
get it. You don't like your ass cheek being bit.
Neither do I. Go ahead, Al. Do what you got to
do. All right. All right. Let's see now. Let's
take our second break, and you want to come back
with the Crum Olympics? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we're
going to do that last time, but we ran out of
time. So, therefore, you guys have the horrible
pleasure of getting it this time. So, we'll be
right back. But not here at Two Deuce Bags Microphone.
Here at Two Deuce Bags Microphone, we question
everything. That's why we have a little segment
we'd like to call, I Call Bullshit. Bullshit.
Bullshit. Bullshit. So let me make sure I have
this correct. All the waiting for Epstein client
list. All the promises of justice. All the huge
names that were all over his private island.
Suddenly, there's no client list. It's a well
-known fact Epstein kept a list of clients. So
Ghislaine Maxwell is rotting in prison and has
no memory of any of her visitors when she was
one of the hosts? You mean to tell me she cannot
spit out a few names? They barter with every
other criminal. Why not her? I'll tell you why.
Because power protects power. That's why. This
bullshit dog and pony show will only go so far.
Promises and convictions turn to dust. I'll even
go one step further. Jeffrey Epstein is still
alive. His death was faked. His friends made
sure of this. The next time you think justice
will be served will be a cold day in hell. Or
just wait until his perverts do kick off. Then
ask them the temperature in hell. Jamar Chase,
what in the hell did you say this time? This
idea has worked out so well for you in the past.
Just go ahead, fat mouth one of the all -time
greatest quarterbacks in the league ever. Your
quote was, without Kelsey, Mahomes is just another
Kirk Cousins with a headband. Well then, Mr.
Chase. You should know Kirk Cousins very well.
You and him have the same amount of rings. You
remind us of a little lap dog, nipping at the
heels of your daddy. Now it's time for Pickup
Lines from a Loser. Can you take me to the hospital?
I just broke my leg falling for you. Why, Whataburger,
you say? Well, because. What a deep -fried crispy
chicken nugget. Just didn't have the right ring.
Origin of April Fools. Religious holdouts in
the 16th century refused to celebrate the re
-established New Year's date on January 1st,
preferent the end of the Holy Week in April,
making them April Fools. You watch the news.
It looks grim. Is an apocalypse inevitable? We
suggest you download all our podcasts beforehand
and have multiple mobile chargers. We have the
post -apocalypse. Stuck up on pantyhose. The
hose can be used to filter sediments out of water
in any type of stew or soup that requires natural
ingredients. The material is also great to cover
unprotected areas of skin. You can rub citronella
or other compounds on the hose to detract insect
bites. It could also be used for a nice window
net. The hose can be rolled together, and a form
of durable, strong rope can be used out of this.
Tomorrow morning, while grinding your coffee
beans for your double mocha latte, remember to
not get your genitals caught in the grinder.
It really hurts, and who can afford plastic surgery?
Stay safe, everyone. And now, Deep Thoughts with
Mark. Should I throw away all my socks, then
only buy 30 pair of one kind of sock? Will they
eventually not match up? I may never know. Hey
there, fuckstick. You're just in time for brand
new feature news nobody gives a shit about. A
man in Manitoba, Canada collects rat traps. He
now has 3 ,421. Hey there, slap nuts. It's time
for the Creeps Music News. Hey, my little pumpkin
seeds. This is Johnny Rohypnol with your music
news. In a recent interview with WZLX's Kenny
Young, Joe Perry once again spoke about the possibility
of Aerosmith playing one final concert. A year
after the legendary rockers announced that they
were officially retiring from touring due to
singer Steven Tyler's vocal injury. Aerosmith
made the announcement August 2nd, 2024, nearly
one year after the 77 -year -old singer fractured
his larynx during a September 2023 show. Perry
said about the likelihood of another Aerosmith
show. We're actually talking quite a bit. I know
our touring days are over, but I don't know.
We're all flesh and blood. I don't know, but
I would say at some point we will all be together
on the same stage. If I was a betting man, which
I am, I would say at some point something's going
to happen, but we'll see. Stay tuned. This is
Johnny Rohypnol. That was your music news. And
remember, bar chords are bullshit. Spags and
microphone. I'm Mark here in the Kansas City
vicinity at the Talk is Cheap studio. And I am
Rob. It's a beautiful mango arm of Lake of the
Ozarks in the Doug Clark studio. Quack, quack.
Reveal. All right. The goat got carried away.
I apologize. Yeah, I know. Not bad. Shut up.
Get out of here. Jeez, man. He's breathing on
me. Stop. I can't fucking do that. Get out of
here, goat. Hey, hey, hey. Breathe down here
for 24 hours. I guarantee it. Yeah, I need to
take you down to Rob's so you can cut his field
with your mouth. Yeah, goats are great lawnmowers.
Aren't they? That's right. Yeah, and I'm glad
you got a sense of humor about that because that
does suck. Yes, I do. It was a beautiful goat.
I can't believe someone would be that greedy
to fucking win. Yeah, I just lied to us about
what the damn thing ate. I'd go back to that
swap meet and smack him right in the face. I'd
take the dead goat and throw it at him. Oh, well.
All right. Yeah. All right. This is the Crum
Olympics. So, this is another weird invention.
I mean, someone might have been on gummies. Word
has it, rumor, you know. They might have been
on gummies and thought of this, you know. They
might have been a little stoned out of their
gourd or something. That's just a rumor. Can't
prove it, okay? All right. So, allegedly, someone
might have been on gummies. I cannot confirm
or deny who it was, but someone was on gummies.
It was not me. All right. So the Crumb Olympics
is simply this. You know how sometimes crumbs
taste much better than the main course? Right?
Yes. Okay. Well, that's where this originated,
okay? This is just the crumbs, not the actual
content. And we want to vote, me and you vote,
and agree on which one, which crumb is the better
tasting crumb. So let me start off with this.
How about chocolate chip cookie crumbs versus
apple pie crumbs? Which one do you think's better?
I think chocolate chip's better. I'm heading
towards chocolate chip and apple pie. Yeah, but
apple pie, here's what I'm going by. Yeah, the
crumbs normally just crush. Yes, exactly. You
don't have any apple content in it. Yeah, because
chocolate chips have little pieces of chocolate,
and they're just fucking delightful, right? Yeah.
Okay, so we both agree. Chocolate chip crumbs
rule. So, okay, hang on. I'm the one keeping
track on this, so hang on a second. I've got
to make sure. Yeah, I'm not. Yeah, this ain't
even in my notebook. I'm just going with you.
Okay, chocolate chip is victorious on that one.
Okay, the next one would be lemon cake versus
vanilla cannoli. I'm going to go vanilla cannoli
for the same reason. Yeah, I think so, too. Unless
you have a little bit of lemon in there, it's
just crumbs that's crust. Yeah. But then again,
I don't know. You know what? It is cake, though.
Yeah, it's cake. It's no lemon crust. Yeah, that's
right. It has lemon. Yeah, okay. I'm going to
have to go with... I'm going to go with the lemon
cake. Me too. All right. We both agree with that.
Lemon cake rules. Because the cannoli has the
crust. Yes. Yeah. Yep. Yeah. And the crumbs may
not have any vanilla in them. All right. Oh,
this next one is rough, dude. No. Raspberry Zinger
crumbs versus Little Debbie Striped Cake crumbs.
Okay. Now, raspberry zinger, you have the coconut
with the raspberry flavoring, right? Yeah, and
it goes all the way. I've got to give it to the
zinger because the raspberry goes all the way
to that zinger. Yes, yes. The zebra cakes, it's
vanilla cake. Yeah, yep, yep. I'm with you there.
Raspberry zinger crumbs are much better, and
they have won the car. You will get the raspberry.
Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, yep. All right. The
next one. Oh, this next one's rough. Stromboli
versus burrito crumbs. Now, which one's more?
Okay. Stromboli has tomato. Me too, because it
has tomato paste and cheese in there. So whenever
you're getting crumbs, you're very likely to
get both of those with it, and maybe even a pepperoni.
A pepperoni might jump out of that bastard's
cup. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or burrito crumbs. You
might get a little cheese that was on top of
it, maybe a little salsa. Yeah. Yeah, stromboli.
Yeah, maybe a tad of salsa. No, give it stromboli.
Stromboli's got it. Okay. Next one here, and
this is just a taste thing. New York -style pizza
versus Chicago -style pizza. Now, here's what
I can say about this. Chicago has the deep dish,
right? Okay, I've got to go to Chicago right
there. But New York, you might have a little
bit of the toppings on it because it's a thin
crust, crispy. Yeah, but Chicago -style is thicker
crust. Yeah, I think you're right. Bigger crumbs.
Yes. All right, Chicago style, because you're
apt to get some of that pizza. And what if it's
like it has a cheese stuffed crust or something
like that? Then that's a bonus. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.
The next one would be beef burrito crumbs versus
shepherd's pie crumbs. Oh, shepherd's pie. Shepherd's
pie? Oh, yeah, yeah, because the contents will
probably come out when you're eating it, like,
you know, the hamburger, the peas and all that
stuff. Okay. Shepherd's pie? It is. Okay. Alright.
Pigs in a blanket crumbs versus strawberry tart
crumbs. I'm going to go with the tart. Because
have you ever known pigs in a blanket for one
of those little delicious hot dogs to come out
in a crumb form? I never have. I'm going to say
strawberry tart because a tart, you know, you're
very likely to get the strawberry filling with
the crumbs, right? Yep. All right. You agree?
Yep. All right. Strawberry tart crumbs it is.
All right. Spinach quiche versus apple turnover
crust. Hmm. Now a turnover. Does that generally
have a little bit of the apple filling come out?
I can't remember. It's more crust. Yeah, where
spinach, you're more than likely going to get
some spinach quiche. You're going to get some
of the egg. Yeah, quiche is egg and spinach.
Yeah, I would have to go with quiche on that
one. Me too. I'm going to go with spinach quiche.
All right. Good, good, good, good. Because that
would just be a little nugget of an egg. Yeah.
Yep, exactly. It could be better than crust.
Yeah, because in apple turnover, you're very
unlikely to get any of that delicious apple in
there. You're just going to get some of the crust.
And once again, some of that egg could have a
little cheese on it. Yeah, oh, even bonus. Yeah.
All right. How about empanadas, crust, versus
beef beret taco crumbs? Okay. Now, burrito taco,
you know, that's a crispy taco, right? And with
the crispy taco and the meat inside, a lot of
times that makes a delicious nacho -looking thing
whenever you bite into it. So I'm going to go
with the leftover nacho burrito tacos, beef burrito.
Yeah, I would, too. I would have, too. All right,
where empanadas, like, got a lot of dough on
it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, beef burrito
taco is the victor. All right. How about homemade
sourdough bread, this is the final one, versus
chicken pot pie crumbs? Chicken pot pie. Chicken
pot pie? I'm almost like, okay, now hear me out
on this, and then I want to hear your thought.
Homemade sourdough bread is fucking delicious.
Wait a minute, no, no, no, no, no, but it's the
crumbs. You're not going to get any of the real
bread. You're just going to get crumbs. You're
right. Chicken pot pie it is. All right. Okay.
Well, let me explain why I went with chicken
pot pie. Okay. You've got that gravy that's going
to soak into that crust. Oh, yeah. Okay. Yes.
Chicken pot pie it is. By a landslide. By a landslide.
Okay. Here are the winners, and we're going to
put these up against other food items next. So
you can come up with some. I can come up with
some. Okay, so we have chocolate chip cookie
crumbs. We have lemon cake crumbs. We have raspberry
zinger crumbs. We have stromboli crumbs. We have
Chicago style pizza crumbs, shepherd pie crumbs,
strawberry tart crumbs, spinach quiche crumbs,
beef beret taco crumbs, and chicken pot pie crumbs.
Those will be going against somebody else on
the next. Probably. Okay. So if you could think
of some stuff we can pit against them, send them
to me or just tell me or whatever. I'll try my
best. Okay. All right. So now that we've got
that figured out, Rob, let's turn it over to
you. oh yeah without a doubt because I have a
story right here okay The reviewed video footage
from the night before, which showed a dark -colored
pickup truck slowly driving past the house. Yeah.
Okay. Thank you, Rob. That was a great story.
I thought... Go ahead. This story sounds like
something out of the 80s, man. It really does.
It does. It sounds like something out of the
80s. That's one of those stories that you can't
write. You know? It's like real life shit and
you're like, what? Thank you, Rob. That was great.
That was a great little ha -ha. In case anyone's
wondering, I was wanting to recreate images of
historical figures like Nikolai Tesla smoking
a joint, right? Chat, GPT will not do it because
it calls it disrespectful. Okay. Yeah, it's irritating
as hell because I would love to have... Like
E. coli, not E. coli, Nikolai Tesla, and then
maybe, I don't know. How about Aleister Crowley
fucking smoking a joint? I mean, for some reason,
I want to get the sketch art, steampunk style,
of these historical figures smoking dudes. Just
to be a dick, right? Just to have them up on
the wall so people go, what is that? Oh, that's
a Tesla smoking a joint. Huh? Okay. But it won't
do it. It says it's disrespectful. So, okay.
All right. Well, I guess I don't get that done.
Oh, you know what? Maybe I can have them do it
in steampunk style. Right? And I could draw a
joint in there. Yeah? Yeah. All right. Okay,
it's 918. Do you want to keep going or not? Actually,
that's all I got for tonight, brother. All right.
I got stuff, buddy. Come on. Like I said... The
Jeffy X list can wait. We did one, what, last?
Tuesday. Yeah, yeah. Tuesday. Yeah, so there's
going to be some happy people. I had no idea.
Wednesday night. Wednesday night. Wednesday night,
yeah. I had no idea at all that Jeffy X was that
popular. Did you? I've always liked him, but
I questioned the character. I really did. I was
kind of like, I don't know. Maybe it doesn't
fit what we're doing. I guess I was wrong. Everybody
seems to like it. So we will keep Jeffy X coming.
He's got to be careful, though. He was electrocuted
and paddled and kicked and ridiculed. They made
him wear a dress and walk a plank. Did you know
that? Yeah, he told me about that. Yeah, yeah,
but then he got away. So now he's like, I think
he finally had to change out of the Sgt. Pepper's
outfit that you made him. Yeah, I've got new
ones here for him, waiting for him. He just has
to get here. Okay, he said he's going to come
down there over the holidays to get him. There
you go, Jeffy X. I made sure I got them done
before I started getting ready to move. Make
sure he has your new address. Oh, he does. Okay,
good. All right. Hi, Albuquerque. Hi, Hicksville.
Hi, Grandma Opal. Hi, Jimmy. Hi, Ricky. Thank
you for listening. Good night, assholes. Oh,
no. Looks like the show's over, kids. Mark has
explosive diarrhea and can't afford a wireless
mic. Fear not, assholes. They'll be back invading
your ear holes soon.