Welcome again. We're happy you chose us. Come
on in. Wash yourself off. Would you enjoy a bourbon
and coke? There's a liquor store down the road.
If you go, I need rolling papers. Well, since
you're here, let's get this daily douchebag pledge
out of the way. All right, bitches, swing your
hips and pelvic thrust. Shout it out with me.
I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise to download
every podcast. I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise
to make... All friends, family members, and workmates
download the show. I, Joe or Jane Listener, promise
to grab idle computers, work computers, friends
computers, community computers, and other assorted
phones and listening devices and download the
show from there. I, Joe or Jane Listener, will
download the show and constantly barrage everyone
with show name and platforms. I, Joe or Jane
Listener, promise to wear a chicken costume and
screen the show's name from my front yard. And
finally, because of our 13 -year -old boy humor,
you must go to Knobloch Cooter Licking in Uranus,
Missouri to take selfies with the signs. If you
go to Uranus, go to the fudge factory. Yes, there's
a fudge factory in Uranus. No joke. Here at Two
Douchebags and a Microphone, we don't stand behind
our journalistic integrity. Go ahead and assume
we got the story wrong. At least we admit it.
Not like all those other guys. We can and will
lie if it makes the story better. And now, Deep
Thoughts with Mark. So, if I have a glass of
ice water... And the ice melts into the water.
Is my water then watered down? Hmm. I may never
know. Tomorrow morning, while grinding your coffee
beans for your double mocha latte, remember to
not get your genitals caught in the grinder.
It really hurts. And who can afford plastic surgery?
Stay safe, everyone. Miss Gulkenstein was tired
of Mark and Toe for making sport of her. Little
did the douchebags know, Miss Gulkenstein was
a voodoo high priestess when she was younger.
She grew angry and cast a spell on Rob, changing
Rob into a capuchin monkey. Mark took Rob to
a local zoo so he could be with the other monkeys.
Here are the adventures of Rob, the capuchin
monkey. Shh, be very quiet. We're going to listen
in as Rob the Capuchin Monkey tries to sell the
rest of the Capuchin Monkey's Amway. Rob has
always dreamed of becoming a Diamond Status Amway
as a Capuchin Monkey. Little did our hero Rob
know. All the great apes owned stock in Sam's
Club and became violently pissed off when he
tried to infringe on their territory. They promptly
grabbed switches and beat his ass for three days
straight. Rob could not sit down. Have you ever
wondered what something is or not? Have you ever
looked at something and said, I wonder what the
origin of that is? Well, so have we. That's why
we give you The Origin of... The Origin of Nehi.
Soft drinks. Claude Hatcher overheard a route
salesman enter the plant one day and describe
the competitor's tall bottle as being knee -high.
Knee -high originated with the Cherro Cola Company
in Columbus, Georgia by Claude A. Hatcher in
1912. Hey everybody, this is Uncle Rob. I'm going
to give you some tips for life. This is Uncle
Rob's rules to dick pics. Rule number one, type
of a pic in someone else's name so if you get
busted, it's not yours. Rule number two, shoot
angles complementary to your length and girth.
This is Phineas J. Valtaris III. I'm here to
deliver your music news this evening. Tesla bassist
and founding member Brian Wheat has teamed up
with original Tesla guitarist Tommy Scoach in
a new band called Terminal. Joining the duo in
the new group are former Wasp guitarist Chris
Holmes and original Saliva singer Josie Scott.
They plan on putting an album out later on this
year or early next year. This is Phineas J. Baltar
S. III. That has been your music news for this
evening. I have one burning question for you
all. Do people really skip around the Maypole?
Two douchebags and a microphone. I'm Mark here
in the Kansas City area at the Talk is Cheap
studio. Oh, now I know why you're waiting. We
have to go. We have to go. Well, like I said,
I had a very hectic time getting home and all
that because my Jeep decided not to start this
morning. Yeah. And I think it's the battery.
Got a battery, came back here, got it barely
put in, and here I am. And that's the other thing,
too, was I was battling dark. You know, it was
getting dark so early now. So, anyhow, hopefully
that is it. I certainly hope so, and hopefully
I don't have to worry about that bullshit anymore.
So, anyhow. We'll blame it. The goat was just
napping. That's it. The goat was napping. You're
right. Yeah. Little bastard. Yeah. Yep. So, anyhow,
let's see. Let me go on here. Okay, I did. Okay,
that is the emails. Good, good, good. I'm a little
disorganized because I got to this a little bit
late, like I said, you know. Yeah, I had the
whole family here a while ago. It's been hectic
for a while. And I'm like, come on, guys. I told
everybody, this is a podcast night. Nope, that's
a night they bombarded me. Yeah, every other
night you got me. Tonight, leave me the fuck
alone. You got stuff to do. Yeah, I don't see
them talk to them any other night than podcast
night. Yep. Anyhow, so I watched No Escape for
Now, the Ozzy Osbourne documentary on Paramount+.
I was floored. I was floored by the courage it
took Ozzy to go. I knew he was ill, but he was
much more sick than I ever thought. Yes, yes.
Yeah, and it took a hell of a lot for him to
do that. He was in enormous pain and had demand
in physical therapy. just to get to sing Sitting
Down. I love one of the stories that Sharon came
off with right at the time. Did you know that
Ozzy tried to stab Ronnie James Dio the first
time he met him at the Rainbow Bar and Grill?
No, I didn't. Yes. Yeah, he tried to stab him.
I can believe it. I can believe it. Yeah, I thought
there was no bad blood there, but everyone's
saying, oh, that was overblown. Sharon herself
said Ozzy tried to stab him. So I think there's
bad blood there. I'm pretty sure there's bad
blood there. So, I mean, you know. No, no, that
was just a brilliant game. That was a love stab.
Yeah, so. Anyhow, and I think it's with a fork.
I don't think it's a knife, so. But anyhow, I
think it's with a fork. See, Dio over there going,
what the fuck? What was his catch? Guy's trying
to stab me with a fork, man. I'm sorry, man.
You got fired. I took your spot. I'm sorry. But
anyhow, Billy Corgan of the Smashing Pumpkins
really impressed me. His emotion and conviction
about this music and how it changed his life
as a youngster. He got very emotional. He was
crying. I really enjoyed that. I've always liked
Billy Corgan. He's never been like the atypical
rock star. He's a very intelligent, down -to
-earth guy. Listen to him talk. Listen, the stuff,
the way he does things and everything, he's very
reserved. I really, really enjoy him every time
I see him. I think a lot of him. And I really
appreciated the honesty. And also, when Billy
Corgan said that, he brought me back. And I feel
the exact same way. Like I said, in the Aussie
Tribute Show, he had a few other bands, you know,
that helped me through the awkward ass. adolescence
days. You know, the Aussie tribute show that
we did, I explained how, you know, it helped
me through these weird adolescent days. You know,
because when you're not a kid, you're not a teenager,
you have some weird fucking days. You don't know
what your purpose is. Nothing, you know. You're
getting fucking boners for no reason. You're
like, what the hell? You know, it's a very awkward
stage, right? Yeah, hell. Well, me too, yeah.
Why did this boner effect exist? Yes, yeah, it's
really awkward time. And it's one of those times
where you could go either way in life, right?
Right. And so his music, there's other bands
too, but he was always the mainstay. And the
way Billy Corgan explained it was exactly how
I felt about it. And his emotion, I really found...
I really took me back. I was like, you know,
I love that. He explained exactly how he felt.
He wasn't afraid. He didn't care. He was showing
vulnerability and he was fine with it. And like
I said, I've always enjoyed him and I really
like that. You know, like I said, I feel the
same way because, you know, when I was adolescent
days, I was being relentlessly bullied by those
farm boy dirtbags down there in Cass County.
Some of those little bitches listen and weep
right now. You know, like the idiot that messaged
me a while back. I think I told you about it,
but I didn't put it on here, right? He messaged
me trying to take jabs at me. And this guy, he
has a propane grill as his profile picture. How
fucking ugly do you have to be to have a fucking
propane? grill as your picture, right? I mean,
he never was a good looking guy. He's always,
he looked like he was, I don't know, to me, he
looked like a mongoloid. So, anyhow, you know,
he's, you know, if you have to have like a propane
grill, You know, imagine how your image has to
look. You know, you got to be like, oh, I can't
show myself. People go, oh, my God, look at him.
He's always been as ugly as sin in a church pew.
But I'm guessing the years weren't very favorable
to him, you know. So, anyhow, you know, if that
loser has a wife or a ladyboy or a romantic object
such as a shoe or whatever, imagine what that
looks like. Fried shit wouldn't begin to cover
it, you know. But anyhow, you know, I took enough
jabs back there. You know, the rest of it does
not deserve. He didn't deserve that much time,
actually. But while we're on the subject, you
know, so I move on. Topher and I have been busy
and unable to do a sports bastards and music
creeps. So I've recorded a mystery sports guy
in my spare time, which is which is almost none.
But last night, because we didn't do the podcast,
I got to do another mystery sports guy. So, Rob,
I ask you. Do you like this guy or not, honestly?
Yeah, I do. Okay. Which, by the way, guys, we're
running a night late. I had some things I had
to take care of, so it's Thursday night instead
of Wednesday night. Yeah, which is no big deal.
I mean, I usually don't get to post. That's why
they're getting a day late. Okay. Because we're
a day late. And that's why I went ahead and did
the mystery sports guy last night. And I kind
of like it. Thank you for doing that to take
up the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was no problem.
And I'll probably, what I'm saying is here is
I'm probably going to keep doing it even after
Topher and I resume doing our Sports Bastards
and Music Creeps because I think I like the idea
of having a little small show there that analyzes
the games because Topher and I go off on a little
bit of everything. You know, we talk all kinds
of shit. I know you do. Yeah, we don't necessarily
ever analyze the game like we should. So this
guy is telling the sports and kind of telling
what he thought of it and how he thinks the teams
are doing. So I kind of like it. I'm going to
get a little bit more in -depth with it and try
to make it maybe about 35, 40 minutes long. This
last one I think I had about 20 minutes. So I'm
going to keep building on it, and I hope everybody
likes it. I've kind of got high hopes. And I
asked you a question last night. And do you think
it's stupid or do you like it? Because I got
a list. The Crumb Olympics. And this is Crumb.
I love it. Okay. I love it. I thought about it
all day. I love it. I have not had a bad thought
about it. Excellent. Good. I kind of like it
too. What it is is... Go for it. You know, crumbs
are great, right? Whether they're fried chicken
or fucking a cupcake or something or a chocolate
chip cookie. Well, let's do the Crumb Olympics.
And that's one crumb against another. Like, let's
say apple pie against cherry turnovers. Which
crumbs would be better is all we're voting on.
Only the crumbs. Only the crumbs, not the actual
content. Because sometimes the crumbs are better
than the actual content. Yes. And that's why
we're doing this. So, all right, I'm glad you
liked it. I do, too. It's something different.
It's refreshing. It's like Crumb Olympics. Yeah.
You know, some people be like, oh, that's stupid.
And other people go, you know what? I agree with
that. I think crumbs are good. So, anyway. Let's
listen and see what they have to say about this.
Yeah, yeah. You know what? And I'm sure we'll
get some emails about it. We get emails about
every fucking thing. Jeez. Hey, hey, hey. We
are going into the holidays. Yes. You know it.
It's kind of... Yeah, we're going to help you
guys out. You know what crumbs to steal and what
to leave. So there. Yeah, this is our little
Thanksgiving and Christmas thank you to you,
right? Yes. Yeah, so. So anyhow, Ronnie and Tulsa.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're going to keep doing it
for a little while, and it'll probably be like
the Harry Asshole Olympics, where we'll have
a grand champion, and then that'll be it. It'll
be like, all right, okay, we went through all
the crumbs we could think of, and we agree that
these are the best crumbs ever. Okay, but this
time around, you take those. Okay, you got it.
I know you did, and thank you. So I'll take the
notes. I'll observe the winner, write all the
winners down, and we'll go from there. All right,
yeah. So Ronnie in Tulsa update. He cannot do
a podcast per his employer, so he's a little
bummed out. And he also misses Tulsa to top it
off. Okay, okay. Well, let's get him to call
in here. Get him to call in here. Rob, I love
you said that. He already agreed to. And I also
have some other ideas that he's mulling around
here. So, you know, and also our podcast has
been banned from their service, from their server,
Perani. I've offered to let him use an AI voice
to record a show under an alias name. He's kind
of leery about it. I do understand that because,
you know, we are banned there. But he's mulling
it over. I offered him something I always wanted
him to do because he is such a... He loves Oklahoma.
It's been his home his whole life. Yes, yes.
I wanted him to do a hidden Oklahoma segment.
Yes. And, you know, with a guest host on it.
And, you know, he hasn't got back with me yet.
And I understand him being leery, you know, because,
you know, he's, you know, his work is, like,
really down on him. I understand. Yeah, yeah.
And I told him, I said, you take care of work
for... Yeah, yeah. So I'm hoping he gets to do
something like that. I mean, if we can work him
in here, that's great. They can't stop him from
calling in. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Just
get him to call in. Just how I start. He agreed
to that, and he loved the idea, and I'm glad
you said that because that's the first thing
I said is I was like, hey, why don't you call
in? I want a meeting. I want a meeting. I do
too. Just like everybody else. Really? Once I
get to... Once I get to talk to him, I'll give
him my contacts, everything. So, yeah, we'll
be able to get in touch. Yeah, so we'll figure
all that out later, but... So, anyhow, Mitch
is pissed at us. He thinks we clown him too much.
I remind him that he is always saying shit about
me that I even read on the show. Okay, so you're
going in emails? No, no, no, no. He didn't send
an email. He didn't send another email. He was
mad at us and he sent an email on that and I'm
not reading it because I don't fucking care.
You know, like I said, I'm going to reply back.
And I said, dude, you're always fucking slamming
me and always put it on the show. And then you
can't take a little bit back. And he never did
reply. He didn't send an email after that. So
you know what? That's fine, Mitch. Go do something
else. We don't fucking care. Jeez. So. Yep. He
is responding. I don't think I give a shit, do
you? Yep. Well, and he also seems to have a problem
with you now, and I don't know what you did.
Oh, you know what? I think you know. Yeah, you
know what? I think you're right. That is it.
So anyhow, he can't take a joke. I mean, we take
him all the time. He gives a shit all the time.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, the carnival, whatever. Yeah,
yeah, and all that. And the fucking Rob lookalike.
All that bullshit. You know what I mean? Well,
think about it. I live right here. And you know
for a fact, I live here on the beautiful Niagara
Arm of Lake of the Osiris. Yes. Good point, Rob.
Honestly, dude, I've been waiting. And you know
it. I told you off the air, I've been waiting.
I'm getting ready to move to Wheatland. A project
in half from the main entrance of Lucas Oil Speedway.
I'm waiting for him to come back with Adrian
and Butler. I'm going to laugh my ass off. Any
other dirt tracks for Warren? Lucas Oil is asphalt,
plus they have a boat track. Yes, yeah. They've
got a neat setup down there, don't they? They've
got a really cool setup. I've just been waiting
on that one. I warned him, and I think he did
better. Well, I don't know if we even have to
deal with him anymore. He never sent a reply,
and he sent this early. Is that or he didn't
pay his Wi -Fi bill? I don't care. Unless he
reveals himself, who he really is, I don't care.
If he's an old friend, I would care. So I might
have. I'm really sure he knew you. I don't know
if he knew me. I really think... Because he put
out a lot of details from the past. I know. And
they were specifically stuff for you. So I'm
pretty... I'm almost certain he knows you. Seriously,
Mitch. If we know each other, I may be dogging
you now, but if we seriously know each other,
let me know who you are, please. Yeah, Mitch.
And we need to... You know what? And here's something,
too, real quick. Okay. You're right. He did have
a lot of deep details about me. He had too much.
I was getting uncomfortable with it because I
didn't know who the hell he was. I still don't.
He knows me. Yeah, he does. So, I mean, Mitch,
this is all jokes. It's just fun and games, all
right? Nobody's trying to piss anybody off. So,
come back around. I will be your friend if I
know who the hell you are, Mitch. Yeah, let him
know. So, anyhow. All right, let's go ahead and
move on. Mitch, when he listens to this, he'll
get it. So, hopefully, you know. Anyhow. Okay,
if they ever make a Fast Times at Ridgemont High,
Trevor Lawrence should play Spicoli. Who? Trevor
Lawrence, the quarterback for the Jacksonville
Jaguars. You know what? That would be a good
one. He would be a perfect fucking Spicoli. The
hair. Yeah. Yeah, just his eyes and everything.
He looks like a complete star. I can see him
right now, like the smashed up car, and then
the guy goes, man, he's, man. Well, he's a football
player. Yeah. He does anyway. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah. Yeah, yeah. Good point. Good point. I can
see him right now going. I love that. I love
that. I can see him beating himself on the head
with a shoe and going, dude, you hear that? No,
what is that, man? That's my skull, man. I can
see him getting out of a smashed up car and going,
my dad's a TV repairman. I can fix it. Everybody,
if you wonder what a TV repairman is, Google
it, okay, if you're younger. So, anyhow, I think
he makes a great show. You know, if he ever gets
injured and can't play or he just gets tired
of playing or after he retires, he should go
try out for Spicoli if they ever do a remake.
He would get it. Just on his looks. Anyhow, have
you seen the Cobra? Rob, have you seen the Cobra
vs. the Chimp videos? They are probably AI, but
man, they're fun to watch. It's a chimpanzee.
I don't have time for that. I'll remind you when
you're finally in your new home and everything's
settled, I'll say, hey, check out the chimpanzee
versus the cobra. It's really cool, and it's
really freaky, but I'm relatively sure it's AI,
but anyhow, it's still cool. I'll tell you what,
check in with me after New Year's. Okay, that's
cool. I'll be busy after that. For sure. So,
after the Chiefs debacle, Okay, between three
Chiefs players, I calculated Chris Jones, Harrison
Butker, and Travis Kelsey owe the Chiefs $30
million. Yep. Yeah. Yep. Yeah, there's no other
way around it. None of them are fucking producing,
and all of them are grabbing a big chunk of change,
and it pisses me off. Chris Jones... Those two
of them are two of the highest players on the
team. Yeah, Chris Jones held out. Travis Kelsey
restructured his contract to give him that big
contract, and now Chris Jones stands there and
watches fucking Trevor Lawrence fall down and
just walk into the end zone. I'm fucking pissed.
He needs to be benched. He needs to be fired.
Fuck benching. They just need to fire him. We'll
get around it. I mean, if he's going to stand
there, he's no good anyhow. That was ridiculous.
Look it up if you don't know what I'm talking
about. Oh, I'm talking about Chris Jones. He's
got to be a G. Oh, no, no, no. I know. They're
not going to get rid of Kelsey. Besides that,
Kelsey is great friends with Mahomes. They're
not going to set Mahomes in any way. So, you
know. Now, look, they're all fine. They're going
to keep them all. But it just really irritates
the piss out of me. They're drawing this much
money and not producing. It's irritating a lot
of people. And it's not just about the money.
No. So, another thing, another little thing that
I got from the, from, well, actually several
football games that ESPN and ABC carries. Why
does the broadcast feed sound always cut out
periodically? It's only ESPN slash ABC that that
happens. It always goes out. It goes out for,
I don't know, five seconds, comes back. About
20 minutes later, it'll go out again for seven,
eight seconds. It'll come back. It's really annoying,
and it's only those. It's only ESPN and ABC.
I don't know what they're doing wrong or what
the deal is, but it's always going out. Now that
I mention that, you'll realize what I'm talking
about. It's annoying as hell. I don't get that
channel yet. I will here shortly. Oh, okay. All
right. Stretchy yogurt. This is the newest rage.
It's odd, that's for sure. People make this stuff.
It is. It's made from yogurt and some starchy
stuff. Oh, hang on, hang on, hang on. Let's get
the new guy to explain it. What do you think,
Rob? You know what? You paid him 50 bucks. You
paid him $50, and I gave him pencil shavings.
He's got to earn them, right? All right, new
guy, what the hell is stretching? I just kicked
him a new pair of camo house shoes, too. Oh,
shit. Okay, new guy, you explain this shit. You
owe us. Just a couple days ago. Just a couple
days ago. Boy, he's ripping you off, dude. Geez.
You know, the $18 ones at Walmart. $18 something
at Walmart. Yeah, he's still ripping you off.
Yes, I do know. Okay, new guy. Stretchy yogurt.
Go for it. Hello. This is the new guy. I'm supposed
to describe to you stretchy yogurt or some bullshit.
Okay. Stretchy yogurt is a trending viral dessert
popularized by Cat Lou. Made by mixing Greek
yogurt milk and tapioca starch, then microwaving
the mixture to create a sticky, mochi -like,
protein -packed treat. The yogurt actually works
like canned slime does. The cute factor of this
product catches younger generations. A dessert
with a texture described similar to mochi or
baby yogurt and mochi. It achieves a signature
stretchiness from the addition of tapioca starch.
The recipe for this concoction is in a microwave
-safe bowl. Combine Greek yogurt, milk, and tapioca
starch. Cover the bowl with plastic wrap, poking
holes in the wrap with a fork. Microwave for
two minutes carefully. Remove the bowl and the
microwave and stir until a uniform, smooth, and
stretchy batter forms. The more you mix and cool,
the stretchier it becomes. Enjoy it with your
favorite toppings and food powders. Jeffy X has
a list coming up later in this podcast, and I'm
tired of doing this shit. Fuck these guys. Man.
Jeez. What the hell did we do to him? How come
he's so short? I don't know. Gosh, man. I know
for a fact those camo house shoes are comfy.
I got a pair on right now. They're comfy as hell.
He went on Instagram and showed everybody. He
was proud of them. I know. How come he's being
such an asshole again? I don't know. I don't
know, man. It's his personality. I think his
tum -tum hurts. You think he's got maybe, I don't
know, gasritis or something? Maybe. I think we
need to buy him a hooker. Or give him the money
to buy a hooker or do whatever he wants. Yeah,
let's not buy him the hooker because that would
be illegal. Oh, and speaking of that, Jeffy X
has a list of stretchy products that didn't work.
But that will be up later, not right now. Alright!
Yeah, Jeffy X, he came forward. He came out from
where he was in intense hiding. There were people
after him. Yeah, oh, people were after him. They
were mad at him. They want him, you know. So
he had to go into hiding. So he risked his life
getting this list out. He got shot at. He got
electrocuted, everything, man, the poor guy.
Oh, that's bad. Yeah, yeah. But he got out of
there, but he got a list of stretchy things that
failed. But we'll get into that later. So, here
at the Talk is Cheap studio, I'm smelling something
awful, right? And I'm perplexed as to what it
could be. I look around for maybe an old bowl
with decomposed food in it. Maybe Madre the show
cat might have had an accident, you know, in
the corner or something that I didn't see. Nothing.
So, I start picking up things and putting them
in the trash can because I occasionally get a
little sloppy in here, you know, because, you
know, doing the podcast. You're drinking some,
and it's like, well, I can't get up, really.
I'm doing this, so I throw it on the ground.
Well, I find these couple of large jugs of Starbucks
that used to be espresso. I drink them in the
morning because there's not as much acidity in
the cold coffee. My stomach can manage that much
better than regular coffee, so I don't get GERD
as bad. So I pick them up and I suddenly realize
that's where the smell is coming from. Because
like I said, we've got to be stationary to do
this podcast, right? Right. Okay. Well, you know,
every now and then you've got to piss, right?
Okay. Now, guys will know this. Women will not,
but guys will know this. Okay, these are the
large jugs with the large mouth. They're easy
to piss in. Okay. Well, you know, I'm sitting
here doing this podcast, all right? You know,
and I had to piss so bad, my teeth were floating.
So, and we're in the middle of the podcast. I'm
like, hey, look at that right there. I can just
piss in that and be okay. Well, if you piss in
something, you got to remember you're pissing
something, right? You got to remember so you
can toss it out. Well, I'd forgotten about it.
And I'm sitting there going, what the hell is
that rank smell? I'm looking everywhere. Nothing,
nothing, nothing. I'm like, well, I might as
well clean this place up. So I pick up that jug,
and all of a sudden I smell it. I'm like, oh,
yeah, that's right. And so when I went to dump
it out, you've seen coagulated piss before, right?
You piss in a jug and forgot it, right? Okay.
It gets chunks in it, and it's like, oh, my gosh.
I about vomited because I got a big old whiff
of it when I opened up the top of it and started
pouring it out outside. I'm like, oh. So, anyhow,
the Talk is Cheap studio smells okay again, or
at least enough to where I can sit in here and
not mind. So, anyhow. Dude, that's what I love
about the way we're doing the podcast now. I
have a new button in my bathroom that's right
around the corner. Oh, that's awesome. Oh, that'd
be nice. Well, I'm going to continue. I've got
a Starbucks container right here. No, no, no.
I have a few bottles myself. There you go. But
believe me, do not let the missus find them.
Or they get very upset. Well, Princess's office
will be up there. She'll let me know. Yeah. Try
to throw it away yourself. I clean the studio.
I clean the studio myself because of stuff like
that. Yeah. So I'm like, no, I better just go
ahead and do this myself. And I'll do it. Yeah.
Yeah. All these little secrets are well kept
now. You know, she doesn't know I piss in jugs.
And if she did know, she would probably not like
that very much. So. So anyhow. Guys. Guys will
be guys, right? I mean, that's what we do. It's
kind of like, I don't feel like moving. I got
a jug. Oh, I'll piss in the jug and not move.
Great. Problem solved. Yes. Like, remember, we're
talking about shitting in mailboxes and stuff
like that. Or the painter, when I was in between,
it was summer break, and I found this painting
job. Whenever the owner would get mad at somebody
and thought they were moving too slow, he'd take
a shit in a box and hide it in the room they're
working in. And his theory was you would smell
this bad smell and hurry up and get out of there.
And I was like, what a maniacal fucking evil
bastard. Go shit in a box, fucking stick it somewhere,
and leave it there. Yeah. So, anyhow, moving
on. Amtrak will be adding a third route between
St. Louis and Kansas City. This is ahead of the
World Cup that will be held in KC next year.
The World Cup is scheduled for Arrowhead Stadium,
June 11, 2026 through July 19, 2026. This will
be a lot of games involved in between there.
This will enable people to possibly stay in the
St. Louis area while visiting the World Cup games.
I'm thinking between St. Louis and Kansas City,
it's a hard choice on which kind of criminal
you want to deal with. Right. Yeah. So I looked
at the hotel prices in St. Louis during the events,
and it looks a little bit more affordable than
KC Metro. I don't believe Kansas City has enough
hotel space anyhow. Topeka and St. Joe and Lawrence
might help. But, you know, if you live in...
If you stay in St. Louis, you can take the Amtrak
or rent a car so I could see it. But I plan on
selling bulletproof vests and tasers to all the
visitors. And I'll have to open up a stand in
St. Louis as well. Don't you think? I plan on
staying in Wheatland. That's a great idea. Where
I know I'm safe. I will eventually make it out
south again. I'm not sure when, but right now
I can't. I work. You know, I work in the city.
Yeah, we know. So, anyhow. All right, Rob, let's
turn it to you. Okay, well, first off, I'm going
to go into Lake Area news. Okay. Camden County's
presiding commissioner lent guilty money to a
misdemeanor after being charged with stealing
a license plate reader. Okay. Remember, I covered
this here all back. Yep. Rob, I have a question
real quick. Okay. And I'm wondering about this.
We had a representative for many, many years
named Ike Skelton. Is this guy related to him
or does it say? Yes, yes there was for years.
That's what I thought. I asked our friend Andy
and he thought, ooh. No, no, I'm pretty sure.
Oh, Andy, Andy. It was Tatty Corn back behind
Sonic. Yes. I believe you're correct on that
from what I remember, yes. Well, I want to find
out the same guy or same family. That was years
ago. No, that was there for years and years and
years. Now there's a skeleton lock and key down
here. And I believe this is the commissioner.
But yeah, he stole one of the license plate readers.
Interesting. Okay. Okay, then he is. I don't
know how I feel about this. I don't know either.
Mm -hmm. And you shouldn't have a problem with
being pulled over. Everything should be legal.
I agree. I agree. So, what are you hiding? You
know what? I agree. It's just like they're doing
away with the temporary tags in the state of
Missouri. Yes, and you know what? Yeah. It might
as well, too, because, I mean, people, I see
them like five years old. I'm still seeing tags
that expired last year. Or way before that, actually.
I mean, gosh, I see, yeah. Yeah, no, I mean,
it's crazy how much they, how much they let them
expire. They can't be getting caught. Okay, expired
is. Yeah, I agree with that. I agree. You know,
even if you're driving on a suspended license,
as long as the tags come back to that vehicle,
you should be fine. Mm -hmm. I agree. I agree.
Yep. Well. So, I don't see the big deal in it,
but evidently he does. I guess so. All right,
whatever. Okay. Yeah. Wow. Okay. And I do believe
that's the same guy, I think, or close. I think
he's a relative. I'll tell you what, let me do
some research into him. I will let you know,
79. Well, I find it odd that one of his names
is Ike and then Skelton, like Ike Skelton, the
representative, and now he's in local government
down there. Dad. It said, I like Ike. He used
to have buttons like Eisenhower. I thought he
was dead. I thought he was too. I wonder if this
is like his son or something, or nephew or something.
I don't know. Because, I mean, he hasn't been
around. Ike Skelton hasn't been active for years,
and I know. Yes. Yes. Mm -hmm. Yeah, he used
to run like Eisenhower, President Eisenhower
used to, when he ran, he said, I like Ike. Well,
that's what he used, because his pet name or
whatever his name is, Ike. So, okay. All right,
thank you, Rob. Do you want to... Want to take
our first break and then come back with some
emails? Yeah, I think we need to. Okay, we'll
be right back. Bye. First world problems. The
ATM wants me to make a new PIN number for security
purposes. I don't have an extra two minutes.
I need my Starbucks. I'm having the worst day
ever. As much fun as an electric can opener to
the scrotum. Two douchebags and a microphone.
And now, a brand new feature. Strange insults
from an alien. May your mother come to talk to
you. And then leave your door slightly ajar.
So that you may have to get up and close it.
Jammed X. What the hell happened? You were the
generation of change. You never wanted to be
one of them. Apathy spoke for you. Fuck the man.
Not the system. What the hell happened? The generation
of angst? The generation of non -compliance?
Is now buying a boat? You're really fed up to
kill someone dangled a dollar near you? Great
job, Xers. Everything's ruined. Hey there, slap
nuts. It's time for the Creeps Music News. Hey,
my little pumpkin seeds, this is Johnny Rohypnol
with your music news. So recently some new information
came out about the firing of Bob Daisley and
Lee Kerslake, two of the original members of
the Blizzard of Oz band. Ozzy claims that Randy
Rhodes also had a role in his decision to fire
the bassist and drummer. Randy never liked Lee
Kerslake, Ozzy states, and Bob was always intimidating
him. And I can remember... that Randy's mom came
to him and said, what the fuck are you playing
with those idiots for? I was sitting next to
Randy's mom at the time, and she said, what's
wrong with you, Randy? Then Randy said, I think
I'm going to leave the band. I asked him why.
We had a chat apart one day, and he said, the
band is just a lot of geeks. You drink too much?
I said, well, it's just me. But what do you mean,
a band of geeks? And he said, look, how are we
going to conquer America with that fucking lot?
Rose suggested his old Quiet Riot pal Rudy Sarzo
as a replacement for Daisley, and Tommy Altrich
was a drummer that Ozzy had known and admired
for years, a veteran of Black Oak Arkansas, as
well as Pat Travers and Gary Moore Band. Interesting
stuff, huh? This is Johnny Rohypnol. That was
your music news, and remember, bar chords are
bullshit. And now we look in on the adventures
of the technical explanation guy. Excuse me,
my dear sir. Could you please put my plain bread
in a small countertop appliance with heating
elements that would spring loaded and would brown
my bread adequately? Well, first off, I'm not
a waiter. I'm just a guy over there sitting at
the table having a drink. Second off, are you
talking about someone toasting your bread? Well,
yes. Yes, I am. I'm talking about my bread being
toasted. Then why don't you just ask for your
bread to be toasted, you dumb bastard? The hell's
wrong with you? I am the Mad Shitter in Clayton,
Missouri. Well, okay. Like I said, this is a
long time ago. You know, I don't know. I was
in my mid -twenties. I had sleep apnea and I
had to wear a CPAP. And then I opted for the
surgery. So I got surgery and then I went back
to the doctor. The doctor was good. You know,
this is before you could buy the CPAP machines.
You had to rent them. Oh, yeah. Okay. So it was
very expensive for me to keep it another day.
And the insurance told me, if you don't take
it back today, that we're going to start charging
for it. And then in some outrageous sums, I'm
like, okay, where do I take it back? And they
said, Clinton, Missouri. I'm like, what the fuck?
And I was like, well, you want to pay for it?
No. Okay. So here I was on my way to Clinton,
Missouri, you know, fucking tooling. They're
my little Ford Ranger at the time. So I tool
all the way to Clinton, take the fucker back.
And on the way back, I'm like, you know, it's
going to be an hour before I can stop. There's
no station. So I pull in, get some gas. I'm like,
eh, I need a 7 -Up or something, you know. So
I go into the crapper there, and it was like
both of these walls, just alongside where the
urinals were, were covered in this, like, liquid
shit. And I since found out through a nurse,
he said they do it with a colostomy bag somehow.
And I mean, it's a gag. I mean, to me, that's
like you kill someone over that. So anyhow, I'm
sitting there about ready to fucking gag. It
smells horrible, so horrible. And anyhow, I'm
dry heaving and just pissing as hard as I can.
It's hurting me. And I'm pissing so hard that
it's actually hurting me. I'm like, and all of
a sudden this old man barges in. I think he's
the owner of the store. And he points at me and
he goes, I caught him. I caught him. I caught
the mad shitter. And I'm like, what? And I go,
I just got in here, sir. Meanwhile, I'm still
trying to piss as fast as I can. I'm still dry
heaving. It's him. It's him. I caught him. And
I go, I just got in here. How did I shit all
over everything? My pants are up. And he would
not listen to me. So he starts fucking harping
at me behind me while I'm leaving that place.
Didn't watch my hands, nothing. Pissed all over
myself. And, hey, I'm getting the fuck out of
there because I'm not the mad shitter and I don't
want anything. I don't want to be associated
with it. So I'm, like, taking off and I'm leaving
as fast as I can. I'm like, I'm getting my fucking
seven up, damn it. I mean, I'm thirsty. So I
go over and get my seven up and the old man's
still behind me harping. Hey, Sam, Sam, I got
the mad shitter. And I'm like... And I'm sitting
there just, I don't know what to say at this
point because he will not shut up. He will not
quit fucking chirping at me from behind me. So
I get up there and I'm buying my seven up. I
look the lady in the eyes. I go, I just walked
in there. I'm not the mad shitter. And she looks
at me and goes, sure you're not. I don't think
she believed me either. She thought I was the
mad shitter. Yeah, so I bought my seven up and
left in shame. Harambe used to listen to our
original show, Two Dipshits and a Cheap Radio
Shack Realistic Tape Recorder. Harambe does not
listen to our original show, Two Dipshits and
a Cheap Radio Shack Realistic Tape Recorder anymore.
You might ask why Harambe never listens to our
original show, Two Dipshits and a Cheap Radio
Shack Realistic Tape Recorder. Well, it's because
Harambe is dead. Senselessly murdered because
some idiot did not watch her child properly while
looking on her phone. Sadly, Arambe does not
listen to our original show, Two Gibshits and
the Cheap Radio Shack Realistic Take Recorder,
or any other show. Anymore. Sorry, Arambe. Two
douchebags and a microphone. I'm Mark here in
the Kansas City vicinity at the Talk is Cheap
studio. All right, we got some emails. And just
to let you know, Rob, they are weird. We got
some weird ones. Are you ready? Okay. Mark, Uranus
Fudge Factory is now a gas station. Just to let
you know. Nadine and Carl Junction. I'm still
keeping it in there. I don't give a shit. On
the new? On the new? Yeah, which is over between
Walla and St. Robert. Yeah. She's over at Coral
Junction over on the other side of Joplin. Yeah,
yeah. Yeah, no, just driving up 44. Yeah, she
might get by there. I don't know. I haven't been
down there early. I haven't been down there early.
long time. I thought the Fudge Factory was still
there, but I'm still keeping it in the promo,
in the opening. So... I'll load it up. Yeah,
yeah, thank you. I'm writing it down right now.
Alright, thank you. Alright, next one. Mark,
have you watched the Aussie doc on Paramount?
Can I get a review? Josh in Frisco, Texas. Already
did that? I mean, I enjoyed it. I thought it
was good. It was... Not real funny at times.
And it was kind of harsh reality about how life
can do. But I enjoyed it. It was good to, like
I said, it gave the story of what Ozzy went through
to do his final show. So I enjoyed it. And also
I got the book Last Rites. And I didn't know
this. I thought it was the same thing. I thought
the book was... The exact same thing as the No
Way Out of Here or whatever. I forgot the name
of the documentary. But I thought it was the
same thing. It isn't. The book is completely
different than that. So far, I couldn't hardly
put it down. I'm about 20 pages deep. It's completely
different than No Way Out of Now or whatever.
No Escape from Now, I think, is the name of the
doc. All right, next one. Rob. Now, Rob, I'm
telling you, this is a weird one. Answer it however
you want. Okay. Rob, I'm into autoerotic asphyxiation.
I'm afraid that one day I will hang myself accidentally.
Any pointers on how not to hang myself? Weirdo
in New Hampshire. Rob, I didn't know you were
that well versed in autoerotic asphyxiation and
how not to hang yourself. Do you have any proof?
Okay, go ahead. Keep a sharp knife on hand. See?
To cut the rope. Rob has the answer. There you
go. You can go ahead and hang yourself and jerk
off. Just make sure you have a knife. Yeah, just
make sure you have a knife to cut the rope, the
sheet, the pillowcase, whatever the fuck he is.
Yeah, jerk away all you want. Just make sure
you have your knife. Okay, I understand. Okay.
Still a Bud's factory and general store. Okay.
According to Google. Okay, then. All right. Well,
then I can keep it in there legitimately now.
Okay. I'm glad you checked. Thank you. What was
her name? Nadine? Nadine? You're wrong. It's
not my time. All right. Mark, I know you're a
huge fan of churning your own butter. Could you
tell me how to churn butter? Luis in Council
Bluffs. Yeah. I churn my butter at this thing
called the grocery store. I go in there and what
I do is I go in there and I buy my own butter.
And when I get home, I move it around in a circular
motion. And that's what I count churning. So,
Rob, you got any pointers on that? Yes, I do.
I used to do it. Oh, you did? Yes. You should
ask Rob that, not me. Alright, Luis. That's how
they did it back in the 19 -whatevers. Back before
electric. Amish still do it. Mennonites still
do it. Yeah, they do. Google it. Google it, Luis.
Thank you, Rob. It's easy. It's very easy. I
know it is. I've never done it myself, but I've
seen it done, and it's not that bad. Okay, thank
you, Rob. Appreciate that. Mark, if you're going
to start your own religion, what would you name
it? Let's see. Okay, first off, I'm a Christian,
and this is fun only. Okay. Rob, if you've got
any help, interject. I'm going to call it Mark's
Wayward Home for People Who Are Gullible and
Lost. I would introduce a shoelace. for the main
object of admiration. Everything you do in life,
you present to the shoelace, and you ask for
forgiveness from the shoelace. Does that sound
good? Yeah. Okay. There you go. Like I said,
I'm a Christian, and this is fun. I don't really
mean this. Now for mine? Yeah, please. Unfortunately,
the name's already taken. What is it? I love
it. Perfect religion. There you go. Unfortunately,
the name is taken. Yep. You ask, we give. All
right. And finally. Hey, guys. Okay, this is
for both of us, I guess. Another one. Yep. Hey,
guys. Go ahead. I told you there's some interesting
ones this time. They brought it. Hey, guys. I
was wanting a good punk band name. Got any ideas?
Trisha and Bristol. Bristol. I'll have to look
that up. I don't know where that's at. Johnny
Gash. Yeah. That's it. That's my punk rock band
name. Johnny Gash. What is it? Ooze. Ooze? Ooze.
Yeah, I like that too. Imagine a double bill.
Don't ask me what that's on. In front of me.
I'm not sure I want to know. Don't ask. I'm not
asking. Imagine that, a double bill. Johnny Dash
and Ooze tonight at the Beaumont. I'd go, wouldn't
you? I would definitely go there. Johnny Gash
and Ooze. Fuck yeah. That does sound like a good
idea. Oh yeah, everybody load up in the fucking
Skylark. Let's fucking get there. Wow. Alright,
that's all for emails. I'm telling you, these
were great. I hope people keep sending... Yeah,
those were good. Those were good. There was not
a bad one in that whole deal. That was some off
-the -wall shit there. Yeah, it was. That's cool.
All right, Rob, we turn to you. And then I got
a Jeffy X after that. Oh, great, great, great.
Well, I'm going to go into Rob's bag of garbage.
Sounds great to me. Wow. Yeah, it was a rare
genetic disorder. It wasn't antivirus, but it
tested as antivirus poisoning. Wow. And then
she had another baby, and the same thing happened.
Yeah, she had the baby while she was in prison.
Wow. And it tested positive. I feel sorry for
her because not only did she lose a child, she
went to prison for it. And then she lost another
child. Yeah. But she didn't get released because
it was proven. Because it was what? It was proven
that she did not kill the first one. Okay. Wow.
Okay. Oh my gosh. Oh, dude, yeah, they went all
out on this one, didn't they? Yeah, they did.
Yes. I remember that. That was a funny story.
That's a great story right there. Yeah. You'd
think they'd smell it, right? You're a Woodstock.
You're a Woodstock. You ain't smelling shit.
Literally. They're on the windowpane. They're
on the four -way windowpane. They're fucking
seeing all kinds of cool shit. And they're not
worried about it. They don't even know anything's
there. They're in another fucking world. Wow.
No shit. Yeah, wow. Man, you reached deep for
that one, Rob. You're right. Yeah, that was way
down at the bottom. Yeah. Very good. All right.
All right. Let's take our second break. I'll
come back with Jeffy X's list of stretch versions,
like the stretch yogurt we were talking about
earlier that New Guy so very surly informed us
about. Well, Jackie X got us a list of stretchy
versions of products that failed, so we'll be
right back. This here podcast has Mark's personal
stamp of approval. The only problem is Mark likes
to spit on his stamps, and he's a horrible animal.
Strange, but true. There's a cave that kills
you if you go inside. It's called the well of
hell in Yemen. And the air inside is so toxic
that just breathing it can make you collapse.
Scientists think it's a mix of sulfur and poisonous
gases, but no one's explored it to fully know
why. Because rotes melt before they hit the bottom.
So you want proof that we love you here at QD
Spades and Microphone Central? Here's a proof
right here about the drink of the week. Hey,
my party pilgrims. How about Norwegian's famous
pineapple coconut mojito? One and a quarter ounce
Bacardi coconut rum, one ounce pineapple puree,
three pieces of lime wedges, six pieces of mint
leaves, and one half ounce of simple syrup. You
garnish ginger candy on a pick, orange wilt,
and a mint sprig. Take a 12 ounce glass, shake
all ingredients together, and strain over fresh
ice and top with soda. How about a splash of
7 -Up Sprite or ginger ale just for a little
extra pizzazz? Now, from his underground bunker
in Camden, Missouri, a stock full of dried goods,
canned food, and a couple of vibrating toys,
is Ramblings of a Madman, featuring Rob Rad.
When everything is coming your way, you're in
the wrong line. Somewhere in the heavens, your
great Grammy -winning... Gertrude is crying because
her little Bebo is listening to this film. Your
mom is so ugly, her portraits hang themselves.
Next up, Things Overheard in Hell. It moves everybody.
Candy corn has had a bumper crop. Everybody can
have as much as they want. Yay! Now it's time
for Pick Up Lines from a Loser. If you were a
fruit. You would be a fine apple. Oh, shit. What's
that over there? Oh, no. It's the island of horrible
jokes. I can't take my dog to the lake. The ducks
keep attacking him. That's what I get for having
a pure friend. You watch the news. It looks grim.
Is an apocalypse inevitable? We suggest you download
all our podcasts beforehand and have multiple
mobile chargers. We have the post -apocalypse.
Remember, communication is essential post -apocalypse.
You must have two re -radios that are solar chargeable.
Have several on hand in case any of them do break.
That way, if one is out guarding the perimeter
of your property or out gathering food or whatever,
you can stay in communication and know where
the other person is. This is Joshua Belmont,
your food for thought man on The Hustle. So I
just realized a genius that gets absolutely no
credit. His name is Marshall Taylor. He's credited
with the first bag of salad mix that was bagged
and sold. Yesterday. was his birthday. I believe
he is still alive. This guy's genius will never
be fully appreciated. Before this man, we settled
for iceberg lettuce with maybe a couple of croutons
and some cheese. Was Mr. Taylor satisfied with
that? Hell no. He realized that Billy Americana
would never go out and buy a couple of radishes,
a couple of carrots, a head of purple cabbage,
maybe snow peas, and possibly some cute romaine
lettuce for extra bougie. Mr. Taylor. You should
have a national holiday. Hello, this is Satan.
You might know me from my pet name, Inflation.
I'm here to tell you that there's no better way
to relax than listening to two douchebags in
a microphone by a nice warm fire at night. I
sit there and I reflect on all the souls I burned
that day. Enjoy. Hey there, slap nuts. It's time
for the Creeps Music News. Hey, my little pumpkin
seeds. This is Johnny Rohypnol with your music
news. This November, Bad Company will be inducted
into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Only two
of the band's original members remain, Paul Rogers,
the singer, and drummer Simon Kirk. the latter
of which said the odds of them performing at
this ceremony are very good. It's not a definite
just yet, though. I don't know. I know that we've
been approached to play a couple of songs Kirk
recently explained to Defenders of the Faith
podcast. I've spoken with Paul. Paul's health,
as you know, is not good. But I think I'm crossing
my fingers that we will be able to play at least
one song. I don't know what that is yet, and
I don't even know who's going to be inducting
us yet. Simon, we hope you are correct. We would
love to hear one last song from you two. This
is Johnny Rohypnol. That was your music news.
And remember, bar chords are bullshit. Two douchebags
and a microphone. I'm Mark here in the Kansas
City area at the Talk is Cheap studio. um all
right like i previously said jeffy x came out
with a list of um products they came out with
stretch versions but they failed you know just
like the stretch yogurt that the new guy um very
surly ish told us so all right the first stretchy
object that they tried to uh sell but it you
know the it didn't get past the focus panels
was um Airplanes. Stretch airplanes did not work,
Rob. Can you believe that? I don't know. You'd
think air would be cool, you know. A little bit
more legroom. Yeah, hell yeah. Always use more
legroom. Yeah, more people, more legroom, all
that. But no, no. Stretch airplanes, nope, didn't
work. The next one I think I can kind of see.
Stretch dentures. I think I could kind of see
that, you know? Yeah, yeah, you don't want your
dishes, you want to stay right in place. Yeah,
yeah, they start stretching, you know, food's
like falling everywhere, and you know, they're
like chomping like nuts and looking crazy. So
yeah, yeah, so I get that. The next one, this
one I really do understand. Stretch elevator
cables. Did not go over well. You know? I mean,
I understand that. You know, they're going down
to one and all of a sudden the cable stretches
and they fucking hit the floor. I get it, you
know? Yeah. Yeah. But you know what they say
to do if your elevator ever, like, comes disattached
and starts falling? Lay flat on the ground. They
say you'll be fine. But if you're standing, you'll
probably die. Yeah. You'll pass around like a
pinball. Yes. But if you lay flat... Seriously.
Yes, seriously. It'll knock the piss out of you.
You'll feel like hell, but you'll live. Or you
could lay on your back. I say you probably lay
on your back even better, but you might hit your
head. I don't know. Use somebody as a pillow.
Grab the smallest person there. Use them as a
pillow for percussion. Yeah, roll over on top
of you. Yes, there you go. Yep. Yep. I think
we need them. I mean, what's Clint going to do?
Yes, I'm thinking that we do. We do need it.
Rob, 100%. I wish they would have passed. The
next one that did not work was stretch toilet
paper. Yeah. What the hell? You know what? I
cannot speak for these people. I don't know what
they're thinking when they deny it. It's a retail
thing. Yeah. Yeah, they don't want... You keep
it cheaply made, they gotta buy more. Yeah. Instead
of stretching their money. Yeah. Yep, I agree.
Yep. Yep, that's it. Yeah, they don't want you...
Yeah, they don't want you to have any more toilet
paper than what, you know, they want you to buy
more, so no stretch. Yeah, yep, yep. The next
one, I think I get this too, because it would
be a pain in the ass, but think about it, okay?
Stretch spaghetti. though. The motherfuckers
are lawing up now. Yeah, I get that. Yeah, I'd
be like, what the fuck, man? This stuff never
ends. One edge of your stomach while the other
one's just entering your mouth as it is. Yeah.
Yep. Yeah, I see why that would work. Yeah, yep.
The next one, and I think I get this one too,
is stretch contact lenses. Be a pain in the ass
to put on. No, no. Well, I could see why that
would work. Stretch contact lenses. That would
interfere with the alcohol and the marijuana.
Oh, everything. Yeah, yeah. It would make you
feel messed up. Yep. All right, we get that one,
too. This next one I get also, although it would
be fun, though. is stretch concrete. Oh, yeah.
Come on. I know. I don't know what these people
are thinking, why they denied it. I mean, stretch
concrete sounds like a lot of fun to me. What
about you? Yeah, it'd be like a bouncy house.
Yeah, yep. Yeah, I don't know what these people
are thinking. The next one is stretch shoelaces.
Yeah, I don't know why they make replacements
so long. Oh my gosh, it sucks. Seriously, I go
buy replacements. I end up cutting part of them
off and burning the ends just so they don't break.
I do too. Because their damn laces are so damn
long. I know, I don't get it. I wish they'd make
shorter versions that just fit your shoes and
that was it. Well, that's what the package says.
But you got an extra tooth for it all the time.
I know, it sucks. It's like you can wrap it around
your ankles like four times and still have enough
to tie your shoe. It's crazy. You could make
another shoe string. Hell yeah, you could. Yeah,
you could cut them in half and use them on two
shoes. Yeah, for real. No joke, but kind of.
So, all right. The next one is steering wheels.
I think I get that. You know, that'd be kind
of hard to navigate, wouldn't it? Oh, yeah. Yeah,
you'd be like, what the fuck? How come? Jeez,
man, this sucks. Yeah. You think buses are hard
to drive. Yeah. Yeah. Yep. That's too much work.
Yep. Especially if you don't have power steering.
Oh, gosh. You wouldn't be able to. I don't think
you'd be able to. It keeps stretching on you
all the time. We're going back to the 50s and
60s. Oh, my gosh. People do not understand. They
will never understand that we're not there doing
it. No power steering driving a vehicle with
no power steering sucks ass. Oh, my God. It will
put muscles in your shit. You'd not believe it.
Why do you think I'm so strong? My dad's 60.
Yep, my... Oh, yeah. Yeah, that was back when
they didn't give a shit, man. They didn't do
188. They were like, okay, yeah. Yeah, what's
wrong with making a car that does 180? Nah, we
don't care. And then finally... Yes. And he did
too, didn't he? No. He didn't? No. He learned
the first time he watched everybody else. That's
it right there. That's a smart man there. Let
everyone else do it, and I'll just stand back
and watch. We ended up turning around with the
old rig. We had to turn around and come back
down. I have yet to be at the top by speed. I
was there one time. Pretty cool. I need to go
back though because I want to go back nowadays.
I was 15. That was my very last family vacation
with my family. Oh, okay. Well, too bad you didn't
make it. One of these days you might. Alright,
and then finally, bulldozer blades. Stretch bulldozer
blades. I think I get that. You know, you're
trying to move some land and it keeps stretching
on you and won't move the land. I think I got
it. Yeah. And that is all. Thank you, JeffyX.
We appreciate it. And I didn't even tell the
story of JeffyX because we probably don't have
enough time. So, All right, next time around
when we do Jeffy X, I will give the full story
of Jeffy X, okay? All right. All right. Rob,
you got something? Yes, I do. I just, I told
you I would have Sunday night. Well, guess what?
I'm joining you on the spot. Well, they share
the last name and both have connections to Missouri
politics. Okay. Okay, that's good to hear. All
right. Thank you, Rob. Thanks for looking that
up. Yes. An update. That's the word I was looking
for. Okay. I have an update. Okay. I didn't just
say Missouri, but he was from Springfield. And
additional tests are completed, including trying
to obtain DNA samples from the bear that matched
the victim according to the release. But you
think about it, yeah, there would be DNA samples
on the remains. Yeah, there would be. I did not
think about that. I didn't either. The man's
death has been ruled as an animal mauling, according
to the sheriff's office. Did you see the list
of rules they say that you need to follow now
whenever you camp down there? No, I have not
read the rule list yet. They say if you grill
food in your clothes... There's a bear tag of
some people down there. I ain't going. No, I'm
not either, but people still do. They say that
you shouldn't wear the same clothes after you
grill food. You take those clothes and wash them
or put them away somewhere. You don't leave food
in your car. You don't leave food in the trash
can. There's like a set of rules that you need.
If you're going to go camping, you need to look
at, especially in like southern Missouri, northern
Arkansas, where the bears are attacking people.
And my theory is it's been very dry, and I think
that they're having a hard time getting food,
and it's hibernation season. They have to stack
up on food. They have to have enormous amount
of calories in them to go to sleep for that long
and survive. So they're looking for food. And
sometimes I think, you know, a person looks like
a pretty tasty snack, right? Yeah, I guess. I
mean, I don't know. You know, it's 921. I want
to do the Crumb Olympics, but I think maybe we
ought to just end it right here because you've
got to work in the morning. So, all right, we'll
do the Crumb Olympics. We did take a late first
break, too. We've been pushing it. We have been.
We've been pushing it, so. Yeah, we took a late
first break, and we've been pushing it since.
We've been watching. Yeah, yeah. I can tell.
So, we'll just go ahead and do the Crumb Olympics
next podcast. Sunday night. Yep. Sunday night,
yes. Yep. So, all right. Hello, Hicksville. Hello,
Albuquerque. Hello, Grandma Opal, Jimmy, and
Ricky. Thank you, everybody, for listening. Good
night, assholes. I can't. Yeah, it's so damn
bad. Thank you, everybody. Good night, assholes.
Good night, assholes. Oh, no. Looks like the
show's over, kids. Mark has explosive diarrhea
and can't afford a wireless mic. Fear not, assholes.
They'll be back invading your ear holes soon.