Thank you. Thank you. Welcome again. We're happy
you chose us. Come on in. Wash yourself off.
Would you enjoy a bourbon and coke? There's a
liquor store down the road. If you go, I need
rolling papers. Well, since you're here, let's
get this daily douchebag pledge out of the way.
All right, bitches, swing your hips and pelvic
thrust. Shout it out with me. I, Joe or Jane
Listener, promise to download every podcast.
I. Joe or Jane Listener promised to make all
friends, family members, and workmates download
the show. I, Joe or Jane Listener, promised to
grab idle computers, work computers, friends
computers, community computers, and other assorted
phones and listening devices and download the
show from there. I, Joe or Jane Listener, will
download the show and constantly barrage everyone
with show name and platforms. I, Joe or Jane
Listener, promise to wear a chicken costume and
scream the show's name from my front yard. And
finally, because of our 13 -year -old boy humor,
we must go to Knoblick Cooter Licking in Uranus,
Missouri to take selfies with the signs. If you
go to Uranus, go to the Pudge Factory. Yes, there's
a Pudge Factory in Uranus. No joke. Here at Two
Douchebags and a Microphone, we don't stand behind
our journalistic integrity. Go ahead and assume
we got the story wrong. At least we admit it.
Not like all those other guys, we can and will
lie if it makes the story better. Two douchebags
and a microphone. Next up. Things overheard in
hell. Well, that new Hanson CD is just a laptop.
Uh -huh. You watched the news. It looks grim.
Is an apocalypse inevitable? We suggest you download
all our podcasts beforehand and have multiple
mobile chargers. We have the post -apocalypse.
Remember, post -apocalypse to have a sewage bit.
Sewage untreated can result in serious illness
and other obstacles for your family to live well.
You also should have some chemicals stocked up,
maybe bags of chlorine or something of such,
to sanitize the sewage per week. Hey fellas,
remember to wipe away from the twins. Stay fresh
ideas from the douchebags. Harambe used to listen
to our original show, Two Dipshits and a Cheap
Radio Shack Realistic Tape Recorder. Harambe
does not listen to our original show, Two Dipshits
and a Cheap Radio Shack Realistic Tape Recorder
anymore. You might ask why Harambe never listens
to our original show, Two Dipshits and a Cheap
Radio Shack Realistic Tape Recorder. Well, it's
because Harambe is dead. Senselessly murdered
because some idiot did not watch her child properly
while looking on her phone. Sadly, Arambe does
not listen to our original show, Two Gibshits
and the Cheap Radio Shedack Realistic Dig Recorder,
or any other show. Anymore. Sorry, Arambe. Your
mama's so stupid, she tried to climb Mountain
Dew. Sir, I see your qualifications here. May
I ask some further questions that could help
me determine your employment eligibility? Yes,
sir. I'm ready. Well, as you can see here, we
have a large population of different ethnic backgrounds,
sexuality, and ages. Are you by chance bilingual?
Well, sir, I'm not sure why you need that kind
of information, but, well, it was only one time
in summer camp. I considered it experimental.
Two douchebags, a microphone, and an effort to
keep everything fresh. We offer you first world
problems. My 76 inch smart HDMI, triphonic, stereo
TV. My remote won't work unless I'm right in
front of it. I can't believe it. This is bullshit.
Two douchebags and a microphone. I'm Mark here
in the Kansas City area at the Talk is Cheap
studio. And I am Rob at the beautiful Niagara
Arm of Lake of the Ozarks at the Gut Quiet studio.
For now. Yep, there we go. The for now. Over
the weekend, pop star Chappelle Roan. Have you
ever heard of her? Yes. Well, around Willard,
yes. Yeah, outside Springfield, yes. She played
two sold -out shows at the Liberty Memorial.
Oh, cool. Yeah, yeah. I drove by there on my
way to work, and at 8 a .m. there were teeny
boppers already waiting in line, and the concert
didn't start until well after 7 that evening.
I couldn't believe it. This is at 8 in the morning.
They're out there. just sitting there listening
to stuff, you know, had their headphones on and
stuff. There was quite a few people out there
waiting. I was like, wow. You know, I have to
admit, I'm not a cool kid. I had no idea about
her before. She was all over town during the
weekend, the Crossroads District, Hamburger Mary's,
and a variety of other places. You know, and
the thing is, is she saw her first concert in
Kansas City being from southern Missouri, right?
So she knows Kansas City real well. So there's
two days of her hanging out everywhere. And there's
literally thousands of pictures. People I know
have pictures with her. She went all over town
just, you know, like the crossroads. Like I said,
Hamburger Mary's. All these places just hanging
out and taking pictures of people and all that.
And I thought that was pretty interesting because
she wasn't guarded at all. You know what I mean?
How a lot of stars, you know, a lot of... People
that are in the limelight, they guard themselves
real heavily. No, she's just out there having
fun, and I thought it was pretty refreshing.
I thought it was cool that she's just kind of
like, eh, I'm going to go to my regular places
that I used to go to and have some fun. So, yeah,
there's pictures everywhere. But the thing I
got here, when you were in town, when the city,
were you in town, Rob, when they canceled Rockfest
at the Liberty Memorial? And they moved it to
the Kansas Speedway? No. No, I don't know. Okay.
It was only a few years before they finally ended
Rockfest altogether. So the thing I get is this
right here. Why are they letting concerts back
on the grounds when the excuse was they had too
much repair to do afterwards, even though Rock
paid for all the damages? You see what I mean?
I don't understand that. They ended it because
of Rockfest, and they said that they couldn't
have concerts there anymore because it tore up
the lawn and everything. I mean, I know the rock
paid for all the damages and everything that
was done to it, right? The grounds there. So
now they're letting concerts back. I want to
know what happened, why they let concerts back
now. You see what I'm saying? I don't know. So
anyhow, the city also made the River Market area
stop having shows there because Slipknot was
so loud. I was at this show. Slipknot was so
loud that it vibrated some of the relics off
the wall at the Steamboat Arabia Museum. So anyhow,
I hope the Steamboat Arabia is moving out. It's
moving to Columbia. So I'm hoping. I'm hoping
that they can allow concerts up at the city market
again because that main concourse there, They
just put up fences, and it was a great place
to watch a concert. And if you got tired, you
wanted to go sit for a while, or if you didn't
like one of the bands, you could go, well, it
used to be Winslow's, but now it's like Pigwitch.
You can go to Pigwitch and sit outside and listen
to it and have a sandwich and a beer. You know,
not a $30 beer like they sell at the concerts.
So I'm hoping the center market can start having
some concerts again, too. And as far as Liberty
Memorial goes, I guess they're going to start
having concerts again. They had Chapel Roan.
Roan, not Rome. Roan. So, I don't know. Anyhow.
So, I've been looking for this Greek salami called
Lucanica, right? And I can't seem to find it
in the Kansas City area anywhere. You know, I
found it in Chicago, New York, but never around
here. My mom was craving some Lucanica, and so
was I, in full disclosure. So I searched for
it again around here, but no luck. Do you know
how your phone will sometimes find the product
for you that you're looking for and then, you
know, give it to you? Yeah. Yeah, because I was
looking for Laconic in Kansas City, and there
wasn't any available that I know of. I couldn't
find it anywhere. And if someone knows where
they have it in Kansas City, please send me an
email. It's 2douches at mail .com. Two douches
at mail .com. Send me one. Let me know where
I can get it from. So my phone sent me a suggestion
on where to buy Leuconica. It is available in
Eureka Springs, Arkansas of all places. There
is a charcuterie store on Main Street in Eureka
Springs and they have it there. A town of 2 ,000
people. Kansas City has 2 .5 million people and
they do not have it that I know of that I can
find anywhere. Kansas City gets a fail on this
one. So, the end of the month near my birthday,
I'm going to be grabbing some from Eureka Springs
and bringing it back. So, and I've never been
there before. Well, I was in there one time and
the guy was moving the store from right below
where we usually stay at the Flatiron Suites.
He's moving it down to Main Street where there's
this old convenience store used to be. So I wasn't
there, but he didn't have anything for sale because
he's in the middle of moving. So I'm going to
have to run by there and see what he has. So
hopefully he has some left. I don't know if it
likes, you know how some stuff you make it and
it sells out real quick? Yeah. Yeah. So we'll
see. So anyhow, I move on. Rose Mincy, 39, appeared
in court on September 18th where she faced charges
of illegal possession of human tissues. The BBC
reported. Mincy is a cleaner at a hospital maternity
ward in eastern South Africa. Security officers
were tipped off that she was seeking buyers for
human body tissues. They arrested her with a
plastic bag of human placentas. And that's after
birth. If anyone doesn't know, I imagine. Yeah.
Well, you know that after birth is used in like
skin treatments. Yeah. I was just thinking about
that, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They use it for
all kinds of stuff like that. Placenta is so
rich in all the nutrients and everything that
your body needs that it helps your skin. So I
imagine that someone was paying her to have that
probably to put it on their face or skin to look
younger. I mean, if there's any other use for
it, I don't know. As far as I know, that's it.
So, anyhow, she's going to face further charges.
She's due back in court in October. So, meanwhile,
the BP convenience store in Macon, Missouri.
Do you know where Macon is? Yeah, yeah, I do.
It's up north of me. Yeah, yep. About two and
a half hours north. Okay, maybe you've been by
there before. It has slot machines in it, this
convenience store. I didn't when last time I
was through it. Last time I was through there,
it was like early 2000s because I was doing maintenance
on all of these. That was the last time because
we didn't make it overly all them. I've been
through there. Okay, okay. I've been through
there and I went to the slot machines briefly.
And if I remember correctly, this is quite a
few years ago, I won like 15 bucks and I was
like, you know what, I got to go anyhow. So I
grabbed the 15 and took off. So, KTVO TV reported,
which made it really handy for Amber Dawn Butler,
34, to satisfy her gambling addiction while she
was at work. One little hiccup in her on -the
-job wagering was that she was allegedly taking
money from the store's cash register and safe
to feed into the machines. So, at least it went
back to the store, right? The money she was stealing,
she put back in the store, right? So, I mean,
that's one thing you can say about it is, well,
she didn't take the money anywhere. She left
it there. Butler also confessed to scratching
lottery tickets she hadn't bought and stealing
cigarettes and bottled water from the store.
Confusingly, though, you know she pleaded not
guilty. Watch that. She admitted to doing all
this, right? And then when they go to a rainer,
it's like, ah, I'm not guilty. Well, what was
all that emitting stuff earlier? I don't know.
Well, see, technically it wouldn't. Because of
all those machines, the stores do not own. So
technically she was taking the store's money
and giving it to somebody else. Yeah, and also...
She was also stealing, though. I mean, you know,
she was gambling with her money. Yeah, yeah,
she was stealing. And I have no problems with
her being arrested at all. She was stealing.
But I just thought it was funny. She was stealing
and pretty much giving it back to the company
that she was stealing from. Right. But I guess
she was, like, addicted to gambling, it sounds
like. Like lottery tickets. She was scratching
them off and didn't buy them. So, anyhow. So
I hope that not guilty plea, I don't know how
that's going to work out, but I guess I'll try
to keep an eye on this story and see how long
she gets. Because I'm pretty sure that not guilty
plea, do what? I'm just going to say my guess,
probably not very well for her. I'm thinking
no either. I'm thinking it's not going to go
well for her. And I can't say I really give a
shit. So when that's stupid, they get what they
get. So if you're planning to do a little carousing
this homecoming season in Jessup, Iowa, think
again. The Jessup Police Department has issued
a warning that TPN is banned and anyone doing
it will face legal charges. KCRG -TV reported
on September 17th that police have labeled the
prank harassment and have identified multiple
people whom they are investigating for trespassing,
criminal mischief, illegal dumping, and disorderly
conduct. What the hell? A little TPN? And it
commands all that? Really? Yeah, it used to be
a joke. You know, someone would come out and
go, all those damn kids. Shit, look at that.
I got toilet paper everywhere. And it used to
be kind of like a ha -ha. It's like, hey, hey,
hey, hey, Jimmy, come here. Who got your tree
out in front? I don't know. Little bastard. Someone
got me. You know. It was always kind of a, you
know, kind of like a joke, a rib or whatever.
Yep. I guess not. I guess not. You always pick
it up and you got good toilet paper. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. That's true. Yeah. Someone's trying to
give you free toilet paper. Take it. I mean,
that shit's expensive. Yeah. Yeah. And especially
if it's like two ply. Two ply is gold, right?
Yes, it is. Yeah. Yeah. A two -ply almost guarantees
you a nice, soft ass -wiping, right? Yeah, those
are rookies that do that. Yeah, rookies give
away the two -ply. You go to the one -ply, always
save. You don't go to the Charmin two -ply or
anything like that. You do the cheapest one -ply
shit you can find. And the other good thing about
the one -ply is it's hard to take off of a tree.
It breaks apart so easy. Right. Better yet. Yes,
that's what I'm going to tell you. Quilted northern,
yep. But you know the best way to un -TP a tree,
Rob? How? Spray it down with a hose. Yeah, actually,
yeah. Yeah, it dissolves it. I mean, toilet paper
is made to do that. It's made to dissolve in
water, you know. So in the stool it dissolves.
Well, that's the best way. That's what I was
taught is you go out there with a garden hose,
zap it. It's all going to fall to the ground.
It's all going to dissolve and it'll be done.
So anyhow, I've seen people out there taking
it off and stuff. I'm like, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no. Go get a hose, spray it off. It'll all
dissolve. So California, Carolina, not Carolina.
I can't speak today. Well, actually, I can't
speak any day today. It's just a little bit worse.
Carolina University campus. The Sun News reported
that the video started appearing on September
1st. You know what? They didn't give me this
whole fucking story. I apologize. Okay, let me
get rid of that until I can download all of it
because I really like that story. And I don't
know why it cut off the first part of it, but
okay. The robots are coming, Rob, to Major League
Baseball. On Major League Baseball now. On September
23rd, the Major League Baseball approved the
use of an automated ball strike system for challenges
during the 2026 season, ESPN reported. The ABS
system will be similar to the line calling system
in tennis, and each team will get two challenges
per game, signaled by a hitter, pitcher, or catcher
tapping his head. So, human big league umpires
call about 90 for... 94 % of the pitches correctly.
They have figured this out. So, I mean, they
do a really good job, it sounds like, 94%. And
people are like going, that guy can't see shit.
You ever see a 100 -mile -an -hour fastball come
out of gloves? Yeah. Yeah. Those people are extraordinary.
They can do that. I'm telling you. You've got
to have really great hand -eye coordination,
just great eye coordination to see that. And
I hear people all the time go, oh, that guy's
whining as a bat. It's like, you know, you ever
stay down there? Because I've watched a 100 -mile
-an -hour pitch coming out of catcher. Yeah,
yeah. Yeah, it is hard. It is hard to figure
out exactly where that ball is. It's really hard.
The best thing you could do is look down and
see where that catcher's mitt is. Mm -hmm. Most
people, most people. Right, right. But the best
of them know how to frame something and make
it look just like a strike. So, anyhow, Lisa
Catalano, 41, of San Mateo, California, is ready
to settle down. KRON or KRON -TV reported. So
she set her sights high. Catalano is using digital
billboards along Highway 101 in California, of
course, to seek out potential mates. directing
suitors to her website to get more information
and apply. I like this. What do you think, Rob?
Yeah, I did it too. I did it too. What a great
way to cut through the bullshit. It's like, send
me an application and I'll get back with you.
Just like businesses. And she said the reason
she did this, she was just not having luck any
other way. Catalano was previously engaged, but
her fiance passed away in 2023 from an illness.
That sucks. As she looks for an ideal applicant,
she says, I hope that this is a great story that
we can tell our future children. Well, I hope
so, too. She sounds like a nice lady. I know
it sucks. Her husband passed away and all that.
I mean, he obviously had been pretty old or young.
I mean, not old. So, wow. But anyhow, there was
a big study done about how Gen Zers, Boomers,
and Xers, what they do in their car, right? So
I was going to explain this all, but we got a
new guy. So let's just have him explain it, even
though he's going to hate. He's going to be a
dick about it. Oh, God. I know. I'm getting sick
of him, the bastard. So, hey, new guy. I hope
he... I hope so, too. He needs some, the bastard.
Yeah. Hey, new guy, get the fuck over here and
tell everybody about this study, okay? While
Rob and I scratch our balls. Thank you, new guy.
Hello. This is a new guy. I guess these two idiots
need me to explain some more things. Something
about driving habits for the generations, different
generations. So, I guess I'll just go ahead and
go on with it. Generation Z. This generation
uses their car as a sanctuary for quiet, relaxation,
and processing long work days. 55 % enjoy silent
car rides, and 43 % use their car time to process
information. 25 % also take naps in their cars.
Driving is less frequent, but more focused on
utility and necessity, particularly for commuting
to work and school, and less for errands compared
to older generations. Millennials. They are focused
on self -improvement and planning for the future
while driving. They are more likely to listen
to podcasts, 39%, more than any other generation.
Driving is often tied to life, stage, and career.
Gen X, they engage in more uplifting activities
such as listening to music. 89 % of Gen X drivers
listen to music. 18 % give themselves pep talks.
While they use their cars for errands like other
generations, their driving habits reflect a different
emphasis than younger generations. Older generations,
baby boomers, they are more likely to use their
cars for errands and family visits. Their reasons
for driving are more about habit and less focused
on commute compared to Gen Z. So there you go,
you fuckwads. All right, Rob. Thank you, new
guy, even though you're a surly bastard and you
hate us. Oh, God, what can we do to you? Shit.
I don't know. I think he gets an ass paddling.
What do you think? I think so. All right. New
guy, you're on an ass paddling list. Yeah. As
a matter of fact, I'm thinking about the Hall
of Fame already. What do you think? No, that's
just leaving on an ass paddling. You know what?
We'll give him a chance to straighten out. We'll
see if that changes his attitude. Okay, okay.
New guy, you're going to get a paddling, but
you're not in the Hall of Fame yet. Any more
shrimp? We'll treat you like a kid. Yeah, we're
going to treat you like a kid. You're in timeout
right now. So, geez. Well, sorry about that,
Rob. I don't know what the... Yeah, he's always
being a dick. I don't know. Oh, I know. I know.
I don't get it. I don't either. I mean, hell,
you gave him 50 bucks. I gave him a bag of pencil
shavings. I don't know what the hell he wants.
Those pencil shavings are at least worth the...
A dime, maybe? At least. Yeah, and you giving
him that 50 bucks was ridiculous. He should pay
you 50 bucks for the job he does. Should, yeah.
Yeah. All right, Rob, we turn to you. Oh, new
guy. He just left. He's mad. Hey, don't get near
my car, you fuck. I see him out there. All right,
Rob, we turn it to you. Okay, first off, I have
to explain something. I posted on Facebook last
night that I bought Princess a goat. I felt bad
doing that earlier. I felt bad doing that earlier.
No, don't. Don't feel bad. Okay. Well, she rode
over here to my place with her brother. And we
went. swapped me that same place where I did
a call in yeah a few years ago yes yeah well
we discussed this Thursday night And when they
got some milk supplement to give her, you know,
she wouldn't take it, so it was too late by the
time we could get it to her. That just sucks.
Okay, that's cool. We'll have to see about another
Penny Lane. All right. Yeah, sorry about that.
Oh man. yeah I believe so I remember something
about that yes Right. I would agree, too. Yeah.
I think you're right. But, because I remember
that case. It was where they were at and all
this, you know. Yeah. And then they asked if
they could move on down and that officer said
yes. Well, got him again. And I believe they
were actually incarcerated. Wow. Okay. All right.
Well, thank you, Rob. All right. Let's take our
first break. And guess what? I got a few emails.
Deal. All right. We'll be right back. Topher,
Mark, and Rob would like you to know that just
because they have a podcast does not mean their
asshole does not stink. I know them pretty well,
and their asshole does stink. So. Just so you
know, their asshole stinks just like yours. Your
mama's so ugly, her portraits hang themselves.
So you want proof that we love you here at QD
Spades and Microfilm Central? Here's a proof
right here about the drink of the week. Hey there,
you little snack cakes. This is Norwegian's Best
Drinks. Norwegian Cruise Lime has long been known
as one of the best drink makers on the high seas,
if not the best. In this drink, it's no different.
It's one of the most popular, and it's really
good. A smoked peach margarita. It involves one
ounce of 1800 silver tequila, one half ounce
of mezcal, a quarter ounce of triple sec, half
ounce of organic agave, half ounce of peach puree,
and one half ounces of fresh wine juice, garnished
with hibiscus salt on the rim, and dried blood
orange slices on the rim. Add all ingredients
and shake, and don't be bashful, shake like nuts.
And then put it in a glass with crushed ice and
enjoy. I just made a belt out of all my old watches.
Wow, that's unique. Yeah, it was a waste of time.
Hey, if you're a fan of paying way too much for
trinkets and food, well, your wish is coming
true. Kansas City International Airport Guest
Pass program is starting today. Yes. You, too,
could overspend on workless trinkets and $15
cups of coffee. You want to buy a $50 cheap t
-shirt that has KC Western Auto Building image
on it? We got you covered. Want a barbecue sauce
gift pack? No problem. Just a mere $40 on your
firstborn. Hurry. You know rubes are jumping
all over to get to this complete ripoff. Because
people are sheen. And now, Deep Thoughts with
Mark. So I have a shredded chicken soft taco.
Now I'm going to lay it flat, open it up, and
then I'm going to roll it tightly the other way.
Will it then suddenly become a taquito? Hmm.
I may never know. Hello, this is Phineas J. Altaris
III. I'm here to deliver your music news this
evening. So recently some new information came
out about the firing of Bob Daisley and Lee Kerslake,
two of the original members of the Blizzard of
Oz band. Ozzy claims that Randy Rhodes also had
a role in his decision to fire the bassist and
drummer. Randy never liked Lee Kerslake, Ozzy
states, and Bob was always intimidating him.
And I can remember that Randy's mom came to him
and said, what the fuck are you playing with
those idiots for? I was sitting next to Randy's
mom at the time, and she said, what's wrong with
you, Randy? Then Randy said, I think I'm going
to leave the band. I asked him why. We had a
chat apart one day and he said, the band is just
a lot of geeks. You drink too much? I said, well,
it's just me. But what do you mean a band of
geeks? And he said, look, how are we going to
conquer America with that fucking lot? Rose suggested
his old Quiet Riot pal Rudy Sarzo as a replacement
for Daisley. and Tommy Altrich was a drummer
that Ozzy had known and admired for years, a
veteran of Black Oak Arkansas, as well as Pat
Travers and Gary Moore Band. Interesting stuff,
huh? This is Phineas J. Baltaris III. That has
been your music news for this evening. I have
one burning question for you all. Do people really
skip around the Maypole? It's still in there.
Rob consumed small doses of radiation for 30
years. Rob is immune to radiation. Watch him
glow. Watch Rob Red jump up 25 feet and grab
birds out of thin air with his mouth. With his
mouth! Rob can now be invented for children's
parties and bar mitzvahs. That's right. Come
on and rent your Rob today. That's right. Come
by and rent Rob for a day. A day! A day! Watch
Rob consume seven bottles of night cream and
still break dance and moonwalk. Watch Rob Red
fart down a building. Fart down a building! Rob
Red assumes no responsibility whatsoever. He
is not a babysitter and he doesn't give one hell
of a shit about your children. Please remember
to corral every little bastard you have. Before
Rob gets there, and Walt will not put up with
any backtalk, he will promptly get them in the
place. Rob Rehag assumes no responsibility for
anything that could be stolen from his visit.
Rob Rehag has no responsibility whatsoever in
any help him of any situation. Read a Rob today.
Why, Whataburger, you say? Well, because what
a deep -fried crispy chicken nugget just didn't
have the right ring. I got a neat little story
here about a little prank that me and Davey,
my friend that I refer to often, played. You
know the old Bannister Mall, remember that? Oh,
yeah. Oh, yeah. Boy, that was an area for a lot
of fucking fun. We used to get away with murder
at that place. We had done the stupidest shit.
Well, there was a security guard, a little short
little fucker, kind of a little dumpy little
guy named Sam. And he hated us longhairs. We
were in there getting all the chicks, and he
didn't fucking like it. Sam used to always try
to get me kicked out. And Davey, too, but more
me. He really hated me for some reason. So he'd
always screw with me, and he got me kicked out
for about two weeks. Then we went to court, and
then the judge said you can't kick him out. It's
a public mall, you know, so. Yeah. So anyhow,
you know, one of the biggest ways to sell a hoax
is to, we found this out, was to have a set -up
guy that no one knew. Just a guy to confirm what
you're saying. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I did see
that monkey. Over there, yeah. The last I saw
him, he was on top of that building, and he was
throwing shit at somebody. The random witness
you see when he disappears. The random witness,
yes. Yeah. So, this guy, okay, this is Bannister
Mall, early 1980s. Me and my good buddy Davey
were hanging out, and we were crazy long hairs
that, you know, the average teen would follow,
you know, because we're long hairs. We're kind
of like the Pied Piper of teens. People used
to look at us and go, well, there's the party.
Let's just follow them around until they go to
it. I've done that. Yeah, they used to do it
all the time. We'd be like, where are you guys
going? Cleveland? Ohio? No, Missouri. That guy
looks like he might have beer. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So they'd just start following us, and that's
just the way it were. And then we'd all introduce,
hey, I'm so -and -so, I'm so -and -so. We'd have
a good time, Cleveland Lake or something. Slamming
beers, doing stupid shit. So Davey and I had
certain buddies that would walk up and hear the
bullshit that we're spewing and then help seal
the deal. They'd sell it completely. One guy
that walked around to help us was a punker named
Jason. Jason was really cool because he looked
like the type of guy that wouldn't like us. But
we got to talking to him. And, you know, we saw
eye to eye on everything except music. Everything
else we were the same, you know. Fuck society,
fuck the average guy, fuck this, fuck that, you
know. But when it came to music, you know, we're
like fucking listening to Motley Crue and shit
like that. And he was listening to, I don't know,
the Ramones or, you know, or even deeper than
that, you know, Dick Kennedy's The Germs. Television.
Yeah, he was a real punker. He had an orange
mohawk. Sweet. Or black spike leather. And Doc
Martens. So, I mean, you know, you got the guy,
right? You know who I'm talking about. So, great
guy, though. I'd love to know what happened to
him. So, Jason, if you happen to hear this abortion,
please, oh, I guess that's a bad word now, isn't
it? Oh. This atrocity. There we go. If you happen
to hear this horrible atrocity, then, you know,
hey, send us an email. Yeah. And I forgot what
the valid email is, so. We put so many bullshit
ones out there, we can't remember our real one.
I know. There is a valid one, and I can't remember
what the hell it is. We also have an actual real
phone number. Hell if I know that one either.
Yeah, so I can't even remember the real one.
There you go. Show prep. Yeah. Here I was talking
about show prep and making a big deal out of
it, and I can't even remember our email. So,
anyhow, meanwhile, there's this one security
guard named Sam that I kind of alluded to or
actually went into a little bit. Sam was a jealous
little pussy bitch. He constantly tried to get
me kicked out and barred from the mall. And like
I said earlier, he did for a while, for a couple
of weeks. And we went to court. I got back in,
which really fumed his ass, burned his ass. Because
every time I seen him, I was like overzealous
about him. Hi, Sam, how are you? He came over
for dinner tonight, little guy. A little tiny
bit of authority he had, and it's gone. You look
cute today. I beeped his nose one time. He came
out and went unglued. So, you know, me and Davey
used to play Moon Tricks on Sam constantly. Sounds
like he deserved it. Oh, he did, you know. So
we quickly went to Jason to be the casual guy
walking by to sell it. So Jason's over in the
corner where the movement theaters upstairs used
to be because then they went downstairs for a
while and then they disappeared. Oh, yeah. Yeah,
they used to be upstairs, mid -upstairs. So I
think right across from Food Court maybe. If
I remember correctly. Now in my mind, I'm getting
confused with Ward Parkway because their movie
theater shifted around a bit too. Okay, well,
anyhow, this is when they were upstairs because
I remember that part well because people were
coming in to go to the movies and were screwing
with them. Yeah. So Davey and I set this one
up perfectly. We had a buddy that he won a backstage
pass to Great White. I'll remember that. It's
a video shoot, okay? As an extra. Oh, that'd
be cool. Yeah. And he was in it. I don't know
if it was once bit or something else, but he
was in it. And on the back was stamped used.
But on the front, it had an MTV logo. It didn't
have a specific band. It didn't say Great White.
It just said, Extra for MTV Video Shoot. And
I remember it really well. It was green with
an orange MTV on it with her famous logo. Yeah.
It was really cool looking, and it was made with
some sort of a really thick paper, and it was
engraved, I guess. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it was raised.
It felt great. It felt like the seal of something.
Embossed paper. Embossed. Raised printing. Raised
printing, whatever. Makes it a lot harder to
counterfeit. Yes, indeed. Makes it look cool.
So our friend agreed to let us borrow this for
a little while. We got it back to him like we
said. We didn't tear it up or steal it or nothing.
Davey started waving the card in the air and
making fun of me because he got this and I didn't.
He was like, I'm going to be on this whatever.
So he's waving around going, I'm going to be
on the video and you're not because you're too
stupid and you couldn't win and all this stuff,
right? So this magical card was supposed to be
a freebie to be an extra on the set of MTV. This
is what we set it up to be, right? A list of
hundreds of bands. The secret MTV guy walking
around, he was walking around the mall and this
was going to be Sam eventually. So the secret
MTV guy that has these free magical passes was
Sam, only he didn't know it. So Davey's like,
and I'm like, fucking asshole. Yeah, all this
stuff. So automatically, see people getting ready
to walk in, right? Getting ready to go to a movie,
they're like, yeah, just like magnetic. They're
just staring at us. And Davey's like, and all
this stuff. I'm like, man, it sucks, man. You
get to go and I don't. So Davey is waving this
around, making fun of me, and Jason will walk
by. They go, yeah, I fucking won one too, but
I threw it at them because there's no punk bands
on it. Fuck that. I don't want to go. So all
of a sudden, those kids are fucking coming over
there. What was this? That's so clever. Oh, yeah.
We set it up perfect. So the reason that we picked
Sam to do this on that day was because we had
the card for a couple of days. He was wearing
plain clothes. And I guess he thought he was
going to catch shoplifters or something not wearing
his little fucking bitch outfit that he normally
wore. So Jason, instead of us, goes, yeah, that
fucking little douche right there is the one.
That's the secret MTV guy. We didn't even say
it. He did it. It sold it even more. Because
all these teens are like, you know, fucking their
heads sputter out and they're staring at him.
So Jason said, yeah, he goes, yeah, I bit him
on the ear to get one. So the story was this.
It's getting better and better. The more outrageous
you were, the more likely you were to get a free
pass. Oh, that's perfect. Yeah. So automatically,
he had like 50 teens jumping in front of him,
fucking biting his ear, kicking him in the ass.
One guy was clucking like a chicken in his face.
Another guy's like, look, I'm a bird. Some guy
fucking jumped off to one side. Another guy ripped
off one of the trees and hit him with a switch.
And Sam was just fucking freaking out, man. He's
like, what the fuck? And they're like, we want
a pass. We want a pass. He's like, what pass?
This probably went on for fucking 25 minutes.
He was losing his mind. Yes, he was. He didn't
know what was going on. What planet did I wake
up on? You get 10 teens away from him, right?
And then you have 10 more teens attacking. So,
look, we leave. We let this go on and let it
go downhill. And those teams told another one,
get the pass from that fucker. He didn't give
us anything. So this just kept rolling on and
rolling on and rolling on. we come back a couple
hours later we went to oh no i know what we did
we went to andy santa fe and had a burrito we
weren't even old enough to drink but we still
did because they never carded there we both had
margaritas or a laugh and had our feet on the
table and davy had flip -flops on so they eventually
got mad and kicked us out because you can see
his toenails hanging out and people didn't like
that yeah so So, hey, we get back in, and all
of a sudden we see Sam coming by, all disheveled.
By this time, everything was gone. It was all
said and done. I go, hey, Sam, do you want to
know where all that came from? Davey pulled out
the card and said, see this? I go, yeah, you
just been had, bitch. Oh, he was fucking furious.
He turned around and said, you motherfucker,
I'm going to get you out of here. I'm going to
get you guys kicked out for good. I go, what
for? I didn't do anything against them all. We
didn't get kicked out. That was one of the best
fucking breaks we ever played. It was brilliant.
And I just thought about it the other day. I'm
like, my God. There are some other ones I got
to remember that we did to him, too. And then
I got another one. You listen to the solo cast,
right? I'm going to tell the story about the
nut biter. Oh, yes. Oh, gosh. Big. Two douchebags,
a microphone, I'm Mark here in the Kansas City
area at the Talk is Cheap studio. And I am Rob
of the beautiful nine walls of Lake of the Ozarks
in the Duck Blind studio. Quack, quack, on out.
Alright, we got some emails here. First one right
off the bat. Like I said, hate emails go to the
front, right? Right. Yeah, we love hate emails,
so this is a hate email. The Foodie Doody sounds
stupid. We don't want your food reviews. Take
up another hobby like poking your eyes out with
a piece of jagged glass. Mickey in Silver Springs.
I was going to send Mickey $300 for the hell
of it. Not now. You were too, weren't you? Yeah,
that's what we agreed on. Yeah, we agreed on
$300 from each one of us because we liked you.
But then after that email, I don't think we should.
What do you think? I don't think so either. All
right, Mickey, that's what you get for being
a dick. No $600. I had it right here. Rob was
getting ready to mail it off. He showed me. We
were on a phone, you know, video phone call.
And he had the $300. He said, I love Mickey and
Silver Springs. I think he deserves his $300.
And I said, you know what, Rob? I'm going to
take your $300. I'm going to raise you $300.
You're going to get $600, but not now because
you're being a dick, Mickey. All right. Well,
he missed that, didn't he? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah,
that's right, Mick. That's right. All right.
Next one. Clint says he's going to take Rob's
spot on the douchebag soon and will destroy Mark
while taking over the whole podcast. Flint, Clint's
younger brother, by another marriage. Okay. Flint
said this about Clint. Clint's younger brother.
You got anything for these idiots? No. I don't
either. We move on. And as far as email goes,
I think they're starting to lose a little bit,
don't you? They were, they had all, I don't know.
It seems like the last few ones are starting
to get a little stale. Raise the bar, Clint.
Yeah, raise the bar, Clint, or don't fucking
email us. Come on, you can do better. All right.
Mark, you are so out of touch. Pawpaw fruit is
an American icon. Its popularity has become enormous
over the last couple of years. Just thought I
would let you know, Carmen. I looked it up. She's
right. I didn't know pawpaw fruit was such a
thing again. As a matter of fact, I didn't even
know pawpaw fruit was a thing, did you? I don't
remember it growing up. I had heard of it, but
I don't think I have ever had it. Well, no, I
don't think I have either, but this all started
because there's gummies. There's THC gummies
that are pawpaw fruit, and I question why it's
pawpaw fruit. Like, why isn't it orange? Why
isn't it grape? I mean, pineapple even. But pawpaw
fruit? Why in the hell would you make something
pawpaw fruit is what I'm saying. And anyhow,
it's a thing now, so I guess I stand corrected.
People like it again. I don't even think I've
ever had it. The actual fruit. So, anyhow. All
right, next one. What is your Gatorade Zero flavor
you like the best? Jerry in Indianapolis. I think
orange, and then a close second is lemon -lime,
then a close third is just grape. Not glacier
grape or nothing like that, just regular grape.
And then fruit punch. So thank you, Jerry in
Indy. Rob. Do you wear jewelry, including watches
or necklaces? I don't know why they asked and
there's not a name. They didn't give their name.
Okay, well, yes, I do wear a pinky ring. turquoise
in it. Well, I went to put my first stone in
it, which is aquamarine. Well, aquamarine was
very expensive, especially in this tiny, tiny
little stone. Very cool. I don't know what their
name was or nothing. I don't know why they wanted
to know that, but there you go. I think it's
kind of cool they want to know little intricate
stuff like that about us. Either that or they
wanted to rob you. I think I lost mine, too.
I've already started packing things. Millie,
I'll try to look for it, but I couldn't find
it earlier either. Yeah, I've already started
packing things. I've already got a lot of my
kitchen packed, so my recipes are already packed
up. Okay, I'm sure there's... And I'm like you,
I don't remember that one right off the bat.
No, me neither. I'm sorry. So, Millie, I think
that probably I had to look and see what it is
again. Blueberry pumpkin bread with green olives
recipe. I think that there's probably thousands
of recipes for that online. Wouldn't you think
so? Yeah, you would think so. That should be
pretty common. Yeah, that's such a popular dish.
I mean, who doesn't have that for Thanksgiving?
Yeah. So, yeah, I would look that up. It's everywhere.
I guarantee it. So, enjoy, Millie. Sorry we couldn't
help you like that. And then I have a featured
email here. And this is going to involve a story
because someone... You know how my friends always...
remind me of shit that happened like you do a
lot of times. Yes. Okay. Well, I got another
one like that. And it's funny because I have
a lot of people that I know personally listen
and they always call me on stuff like this. So
anyhow, I love it though. It's a great little
thing that they do. Mark, I just listened to
the mailbox baseball podcast. You're way behind.
So why don't you tell the shiny mailbox story?
This is my friend, Jeff. And I had to ask him
because I'd forgotten all about it. He refreshed
me. I forgot all about the shiny mailbox completely.
So here's the story. Jeff refreshed me. So here
we go. I was operating a flatbed laser at a sheet
metal company. I was digging through some different
programs looking for a particular one that I
would need for the next project. I saw in the
computer file that said birthdays, Christmas,
and other special days. So, you know, I'm going
to do like anyone else, right? You see a file
with all that on it, right? You open it up, right?
Yeah. Yeah, you've got to see what it is. I mean,
birthdays, Christmas, and other special days.
And it was a program to make parts for a metal
mailbox. So I load it during the lunch break
and grab some 12 -gauge stainless scrap metal.
I get the parts and I weld them all together.
This looks great, but it has ugly brown welds
on it, so I decided to give it a nice finish.
I went with a number 8 polish, which is a mirror
finish that is so clear you can shave in front
of it. It is a mirror finish, for real. And it's
on metal. It's beautiful. I installed the mailbox
out in front of my old house in Cleveland. Little
did I know that on sunny days that glare from
the shiny mailbox blinded drivers when they drove
in front of the house. Now think about how bad
that would blind you. A number 8 mirror finish.
Yeah. I didn't think about it. I put it out in
front of my house. I was all proud of it. I got
the best looking mailbox ever. Look at how beautiful
that is. I'm all stoked. I started getting pranked.
Someone put a used looking Kotex. It started
with that in my mailbox. I'm like, okay, cute.
Alright, whatever. I get a pair of tongs. After
I got done, I soaked them in gasoline or something.
Picked up the... He was looking Kotex and probably
threw it in a neighbor's ditch. I would guess.
Yeah, probably. That's what I would do. Yeah,
that's what you do. It's like, fuck, I don't
want to. Here, here, you have it. So, then cat
shit after that. And then gum. Someone put gum
inside the mailbox when it was 95 degrees. And
it melted everywhere. And I'm thinking, why?
Why the sudden barrage of gross pranks on me,
right? I'm like. Where is this coming from? Is
this some friend of mine thinking it's cute or
something? I'm sitting there perplexed, scratching
my head, going, why is this happening? Well,
I got my answer a few days later when a friend
up the road was blinded by the mailbox and completely
ripped it down with his golf cart. I'm like,
I go out there, and he's an older guy, and he
goes, that fucking mailbox. He goes, I'm glad
it's down. I'm like, why? He goes, it blinds
everybody, you dumbass. He goes, walk over here.
See, I always go in front of it, open it, and
get my mail. I don't go from like I'm coming
at it, right? I go over there like, wow, shit,
you can't see nothing. So while it was down,
I left it down. I took it, and I put it in the
shed, and it stayed there until I sold the house.
Someone else got it. Someone else inherited it.
I hope they didn't put it out in front. I bet
they did. They probably did. And that was the
end of that. I had no fucking idea that it was
blinding everybody. I'll bet you there was so
many pissed off people that went by my house.
What the fuck did that guy do? What the hell
is that? Because it actually looked like a large,
bright sunlight. Just, you know, like a beam
coming right at your face. And it literally blinded
you temporarily. Anyhow, that's a featured email.
And anyhow, thank you, Jeff, for bringing that
to my attention. And thank you for reminding
me, because I didn't remember that at all. I
probably would have never remembered that ever
again if he didn't remind me. You know how some
stories just, you know, some things that happen
just escape you? Yeah. Yeah. That was one that
I just, I don't think ever thought of again.
So it didn't really harm his golf cart. didn't
harm him, so it was all good, you know, we're
all laughing about it afterwards, and he goes,
well, while I damp things down, put it in, you
know, get it out of here. Put a regular mailbox
in, and I did. I went to Lowe's, and I bought
a big plastic one with one of those big wooden
cross -looking, almost half -cross -looking things,
set it in the ground with a little quick -crete,
bolted on the plastic mailbox, and... Might still
be there. I don't know. I haven't been by there
in a long time. So, anyhow, Rob, we turn this
whole thing to you. All right. Well, it's time
again for Rob's bag of garbage. Oh, I'm going
to have to come up with, damn it, I forgot to
do that. I was going to come up with some noises.
So, anyhow, keep going. Maybe I can throw some
in here somewhere. Okay, well, I've got two for
tonight. Okay. Margaret Dahlman, a 52 -year -old
woman from Rotterdam, Netherlands, was admitted
to the hospital after x -rays revealed an astonishing
78 pieces of cutlery in her stomach. Yes, 78
pieces of cutlery. Surgeons were left in disbelief
as they discovered that the woman had been consuming
pork what was described as some kind of obsession.
In a critical condition, she underwent surgery
to remove the foreign objects. The medical team
painstakingly extracted each piece of cutlery
from her stomach one by one. Although she was
diagnosed with a borderline Wow. Okay. Jeez.
And? Go ahead, what? Lastly for tonight? Uh -huh.
he was a He was beautiful, too. Yes, he was.
Yep. I was a big fan of Scarface. He was a gorgeous,
gorgeous cat. Yes. Well, I'm glad you know who
I'm talking about. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yep.
Oh, wow. Thank you, Rob. Your bag of garbage
never lets us down. That's for sure. Good. Anyhow,
you might hear some sound effects over us or
something. That's the best I can do for this
one because I forgot to, I don't know. I've got
to make some garbage sounds or something. Maybe
like a garbage truck. What do you think? Hey,
that would work. Yeah, yeah. Let me write that
down. A garbage truck and maybe some people yelling
in the background or something. All right. Garbage
truck. Poor Rob's garbage. Garbage. All right.
Joan Heblack of San Rafael, California, was enjoying
a walk in her neighborhood when a squirrel came
out of nowhere to claw and bite her while we're
on animals. To claw and bite her. KGO -TV reported
on September 22nd her injuries sent her to the
emergency room. Heblack, Heblack, Heblack, whatever
her name is, isn't the only victim of an attack
squirrel in the area. About five people have
been attacked. The flyers have been posted on
utility poles warning residents of the very mean
squirrel. Lisa Block of Merrim Humane Society
said that such attacks are likely the result
of someone feeding it. When wildlife is fed by
humans, they can lose their natural fear and
act more emboldened. The L .A. County Department
of Public Health assures locals that squirrels
do not spread rabies. So everyone that was attacked
by a squirrel does not have to get those painful
rabies shots. And I didn't find a follow -up,
so I guess they never caught this attack squirrel.
So, anyhow. Wow. Yeah, I know, an attack squirrel.
Wouldn't that be great to have like a couple
of attack squirrels in your house? Somebody breaks
in. Yeah, that would be great. Oh yeah, little
fuckers like run up your leg and bite your nuts.
Wouldn't that be great? Or jump on your face
and like bite your eyes or some shit. Oh, that'd
be awesome. That'd be like, what happened to
you? Fucking squirrel. Where? I was trying to
rob that house and he had a couple of attack
squirrels. What? That'd be awesome. All right,
let's take our second break. We're going to come
back with something from you, Rob. Good? All
right. That's what's going to happen. And now,
a brand new feature, strange insults from an
alien. May your mother come to talk to you, and
then leave your door slightly ajar, so that you
may have to get up and close it. Next up, things
overheard in hell. Socks with socks are the only
footwear allowed in hell. Strange, but true.
In 2011, a 29 -year -old Australian man discovered
an ATM glitch, enabling him to withdraw cash
far beyond his account balance. Over a span of
five months, he splurged $1 .6 million of the
bank's funds on lavish parties, private jets,
international vacations, and even covered his
friend's university fees. Now that's a friend.
Oh, hey, look at the time. It's time for the
crazy -ass word of the day. Cito, cito, hypo
-parent fire -orgism. Four out of five people
surveyed said that two douchebags in a microphone
podcast are more entertaining than a gum infection.
The fifth one called the cops, and we had to
leave. Please remember to go to Cole's dressing
room, wait five minutes, and scream, Hey, there's
no toilet paper in here! And now we look in on
the adventures of the Technical Explanation Guy.
Why, excuse me, editor, sir. Could you please
pass the Piper Negrum? Do you mean the black
pepper? Why, yes. Yes, I do mean the black pepper.
Then just say the black pepper, you dumbass.
Sheep. The regular Joe Cube public may believe
anything he hears and sees, but not here at Two
Douchebags Microphone. Here at Two Douchebags
Microphone, we question everything. That's why
we have a little segment we'd like to call I
Call Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. So, let's
get this straight. Walmart has settled a $45
million lawsuit over alleged overcharging customers
with weight deception. Walmart claims they had
no wrongdoing. Okay, let's say you're going down
a 55 -mile stretch of a highway. You're going
exactly 55 miles an hour. The cop stops you and
says, you are not going over the speed limit,
but I'd like to write you a ticket anyhow. Would
you agree to that? No fucking way would you agree
to that. So in my opinion, Walmart is full of
shit. This is a company that has allegedly paid
as little as possible for their help. Notorious
for employees not giving a shit. Now they're
innocent. I call bullshit and the story. Walmart,
you suck. And now you try to get people to inspect
your receipt and shopping bags on the way out.
I don't pay a membership, assholes. I don't have
to consent to this bullshit. I have a simple
solution. How about I stop all trade with you?
One day you will be an afterthought, and as soon
as people wake up, you will no longer be in existence.
Walmart, here's a big fuck you. Jamar Chase,
what in the hell did you say this time? This
idea has worked out so well for you in the past.
Just go ahead, fat mouth one of the all -time
greatest quarterbacks in the league ever. Your
quote was, without Kelsey, Mahomes is just another
Kirk Cousins with a headband. Well then, Mr.
Chase, you should know Kirk Cousins very well.
You and him have the same amount of rings. You
remind us of a little lap dog nipping at the
heels of your daddy. This is Joshua Belmont,
your food for thought man on The Hustle. So I
just realized a genius that gets absolutely no
credit. His name is Marshall Taylor. He is credited
with the first bag of salad mix that was bagged
and sold. Yesterday was his birthday. I believe
he is still alive. This guy's genius will never
be fully appreciated. Before this ban, we settled
for iceberg lettuce with maybe a couple of croutons
and some cheese. Was Mr. Taylor satisfied with
that? Hell no. He realized that Billy Americana
would never go out and buy a couple of radishes,
a couple of carrots, a head of purple cabbage,
maybe snow peas, and possibly some cute romaine
lettuce for extra bougie. Mr. Taylor, you should
have a national holiday. Two douchebags and microphone.
I'm Mark here in the Kansas City vicinity at
the Talk is Cheap studio. And I am Rob at the
beautiful manual arm of Lake of the Ozarks in
the Duck Blind studio. Wah, wah, for now. All
right, Rob, we turn this whole shit show over
to you. All right. An elderly Missouri man was
showing off his bear sighting picture. and then
was found dead. But what happened? Moreover,
what prompted him to take these photos and why
didn't he leave where he was admitted and spotted?
That was a good question right there. I think
so. It's a rare situation, but the second to
happen in Arkansas recently. Oh, no, the rest
of it is just mainly comments. There are people
wanting this bear left alone. a person they're
going to keep doing it that's the problem they
taste blood and it's just natural for an animal
I mean I read where the guy was taking selfies
near the bear the day before so yeah it didn't
say how close he was but I don't know this one
was pretty close yeah I mean, look, I mean, if
you stay away from bears generally and don't
screw with them and try to take selfies and stuff,
they're not going to bother you. Right. What
pisses me off is all these, allegedly, and I
don't feel, you know, I don't think it's funny
that the guy was killed and don't like it at
all. But the thing is, is if you leave the damn
bears alone, you're probably not going to get
bothered. That lady that was killed by him, I
believe, earlier in the year. I think she was
doing the same thing, trying to get near the
bear. Also, this says that he was out there for
two more days before it happened. That means
he had food at that campsite. That's true. That's
what attracts bears. This time of year, do you
know a little bit about bears and about how they
have to hibernate? They have to eat all this
food to hibernate? Yes. Naturally, the bear is
looking for food. Right now, this time of year,
they are really on the hunt. Yeah, they're on
the hunt looking for food because they have to
eat an enormous amount of food to hibernate all
winter. So, I mean, is it the bear's fault? Not
necessarily. I mean, humans screw with animals
all the time. And look, and like I said, I'm
not happy that the guy was killed or nothing.
And did he deserve to be? No. But the thing is,
is leave the things alone. Leave them alone.
They're in nature for a reason. So, anyhow. Thank
you, Rob. Appreciate that. Teaching assistant
Alexander Lewis, 32, was charged with interfering
with schools and malicious injury. to property
in Florence, South Carolina. WKRC -TV reported
on September 23rd. Between August 25th and September
19th, Lewis allegedly used a spray that mimics
the smell of poop inside the school. The spray
caused students and staff health issues, nausea,
and dizziness, and the district spent almost
$55 ,000 trying to solve the issue through air
conditioning inspection and repair costs. Louis
Baum was set at $9 ,000 and it does not clarify
why he sprayed this stuff. It smells like shit.
It sounds kind of like liquid ass only maybe
not as strong. It doesn't say why he did that.
Why would he spray it there, you know? I don't
know. I mean, was it like a joke that went wrong
or something? I mean, I don't know. So anyhow,
$55 ,000 they spent trying to figure out what
was wrong. And all it was was this guy's poop
spray. Geez. Well, his bomb was only set at $9
,000, so what would he need, $90 to get out?
Yeah. Okay, he's out. Unless he's really, really,
really piss -ass broke, he's out. And I don't
know what he's going to get, but, I mean, he
could get, like, endangering students, which
carries a pretty good sentence. Oh, no. We'll
see. It depends on how the court wants to go
about it. But if they go about the endangering
students, he's going to help a lot of shit. Or
they could go the route where you've got to pay
that $55 ,000 back, and sorry about your luck,
you've got to pay that $50 ,000 back unemployed.
Right. Yep. All right, Rob, you got something?
Yeah, I do. Okay, good. There's a new eyewitness
testimony that is almost guaranteed to make the
hair on your arm stand up. A Missouri man claims
he and his girlfriend were chased by a mothman
-like creature not far from Whiteman Air Force
Base in Missouri. Ooh, knob -noster. Okay. Yes.
when a winged creature with glowing red eyes
was spotted near Wink Pleasant, West Virginia,
numerous times just prior to a tragic bridge
collapse that claimed dozens of lives. Now there's
a sighting of a similar type of creature from
a man named Derek in Missouri who recently was
interviewed by Sasquatch Theory. He lives in
the area near Whiteman Air Force Base in Missouri
and told the following story. He said the encounter
began when they heard what almost sounded like
what you might imagine a pterodactyl dinosaur
bird would sound like. Wow. Okay. On Sasquatch
Theory. I think I will. I said I think I will.
There's so many creatures out there, especially
like bogey and all that in Missouri, especially
out there in the sticks. Let's see, there's Bigfoot,
right? And then there's the Bogey Creek monster.
There's a Mothman. How do you describe the Mothman?
How would you describe him? He's different than
Bigfoot. I want to say kind of like man, but
not man. He's tall and got wings. Yeah, he's
considerably different than Bigfoot, so it's
not a Bigfoot, and it's not a bogey. He can fly.
Yeah, what was the bogey creek monster? I forgot.
What does he look like? Oh, the one in Arkansas?
Oh, it's Arkansas, not Missouri. That's right.
Okay, forget it. Yeah. Yeah, that's right. Yeah,
that was in Arkansas, but Missouri does have
Momo. Yeah, Momo. That's who I'm thinking of,
Momo. Momo is in Missouri, but yeah, there is
Boggy Creek in Arkansas, too. There's a famous
movie about that one. Yeah, The Legend of Boggy
Creek. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and the Mothman and
Momo and Sasquatch are all in the area, they
say. People see them. Yeah. Right. Anyhow, California...
Thank you, Rob. Appreciate it. You're welcome.
California University campus. The Sun News reported
that the video started... Oh, shit. That's the
same fucking story. It printed that twice. I'm
throwing that bitch away. Sorry. I got two of
them with the same story. Or who knows what it
does at, the damn thing. I got to get another
printer. That thing freaks out on me all the
time. So, let's see. How about this one? This
is government at work. More than 50 animals,
mostly cats and a few others, vied for the title
of bike path mayor this summer in Somerville,
Massachusetts. NBC Boston TV reported on September
14. Minerva, the cat, whose one -word campaign
slogan was crime, took the honors. Somerville
residents were able to vote via a QR code in
an election. That's something I would never do.
So anyhow, in an election that had been going
on since July. One Somervillian said Minerva's
platform of crime, I think, really resonated
with people. A cameraman touring with singer
-songwriter Benson Boone was arrested in Clearwater.
Oh, shit. You know what? I apologize for all
of this because it jumbled all my fucking stories
up. And, you know, Rob, you got something. This
is going to take forever to figure out. Yeah.
I was looking for a history. Sorry, everybody.
I promise to go through this. Let's go into this
one. Let's go into the wrestling world. Okay,
thank you. Sting's son, Stephen Borden, which
is Sting's real name, made his pro wrestling
debut last night. Allen hosted an art exhibit
in New York entitled 52W Hardway. The event also
featured wrestling matches, the top one being
Allen teaming up with former WWE superstar Killer
Kross, who used to be Karrion Kross, to take
on the team of J .D. Drake and Sting's son, Stephen
Gordon. Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah, that's pretty cool.
Yeah, that's interesting. Remember Sting reinvented
himself so much? Yeah. He went to like the Crow
look when before he kind of looked like a blonde
-haired Gene Simmons, short blonde -haired Gene
Simmons. Yeah. And then he grew his hair out,
dyed it black, I guess. I don't know which is
his real color, blonde or black. I told you.
I don't think anyone really knows. He grew his
hair out, and he started looking like the crow.
Is that how you describe it? Yeah, that's when
he started coming down from the seals. Yes, yeah,
yeah. He reinvented himself so much, it was almost
like a completely different wrestler. Anyhow,
that's cool. I'm glad his son's involved. That's
good. I want to see some of this. I want to see
some of these sons coming up. You know, I mean,
it's not going to be Nick Hogan. No, some of
them are. You know, some of them are. Yeah, some
of them are. Yeah, and I appreciate that. I like
the legacy being handed down. It's kind of like
football players. We got the Von Erich brothers
coming up. Oh, that's right. You know what? I'm
really interested in that because I was a big
fan of the Von Erichs. I really liked them. They
had so much energy. And they'd always come out
there and jump around the ring and hoop and haw.
They were really cool. And the Texans were nuts
about them. Texans were just, like, flipped out
about them. You know, they were like the royal
family. So this is going to be great seeing the
younger Von Eriks come up and seeing them progress,
you know. So, anyhow, yeah. And hopefully they're
not cursed. I mean, the rest of them, man. Right.
Who was left out of the original family? I can't
remember. Was it Kevin? I want to say what? No.
Because I think David Von Erich was the one that
died first. Whoever it is has been in with them
since they entered their career. Yeah, yeah.
I think it might be... I think it's Kevin. I
think it's Kevin. I think David Von Erich is
the one that died in Japan first. And I think
that Kevin is the one sole survivor of the original
family, I believe. But if I'm wrong, email me.
Tell me. Call me a dumbass like everyone else
does. Okay? So, anyhow. I'll have the answer
Wednesday night. Okay, there we go. Rob, do you
want to keep this going? It's 9 -15. Actually,
I'm more out there. All right, that's what I
thought. All right. Thank you for joining me,
brother. Like always, I enjoy this stuff crazy.
And I really enjoy the stories you're bringing
to this. So you're really doing well. I think
a lot of people are enjoying you like I am. So
thank you, Rob. Thank you. Thank you. Yep. Anyhow,
let's see. Hello, Albuquerque. Hello, Hicksville.
Hello, Grandma Opal, Jimmy, Ricky. Did I get
everybody? There you go. Good night, assholes.
Thank you. Good night, assholes. Oh, no. Looks
like the show's over, kids. Mark has explosive
diarrhea and can't afford a wireless mic. Fear
not, assholes. They'll be back invading your
ear holes soon.