Welcome again. We're happy you chose us. Come
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If you go, I need rolling papers. Well, since
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finally, because of our 13 -year -old boy humor,
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go to Uranus, go to the fudge factory. Yes, there's
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Douchebags and a Microphone, we don't stand behind
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we got the story wrong. At least we admit it.
Not like all those other guys. We can and will
lie if it makes the story better. Yes, it's true.
Mark is an old bastard. It's also true that Mark
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it's obviously fake and you're to take the pictures
and tear them up immediately. Strange, but true.
In the 1920s, there was a health drink called
Radithor that literally contained radium and
consequentially slowly killed its customers.
Evan Byers, a wealthy American socialite, died
from Radithor radium poisoning in 1932. When
his body was exhumed in 1965 for study, his remains
were still highly radioactive. The only reason
Rattathor didn't cause a public health crisis
at the time was because it could only be afforded
by the rich. Next up, things overheard in hell.
Hurry up. King Jong -un is playing Santa at the
mall again this year. Yay! Hi all, this is Chicago.
I am the... most dangerous city in North America.
You can't touch me. Oh yeah? This is Kansas City
here. Hold my beer, bitch. Hey, you pilgrims.
This is Mark from Two Douchebags and Microphone.
And this is the Two Douchebags and Microphone
part of the day. Hey, dickhead. No one gives
an ounce of shit what you had for breakfast.
Not even the person on the other end. You look
like a mentally slow driv yelling into thin air
all through the store. I pray that Bluetooth
shorts out and blows up your eardrums. What men
consider self -centered dunce. Monty constantly
coddled this dummy and it fucking shows. Go the
fuck home and bore your dog. Wait, you probably
forgot the theming because you're too busy looking
in the mirror all day. Fuck off. Two douchebags,
a microphone, and an effort to keep everything
fresh. We offer you First World Problems. Damn
it. The city services website is down again.
I can't believe this. I'm going to have to actually
call and talk to someone to pay my damn trash
bill. This is ridiculous. Two douchebags and
microphone. I'm Mark here in the Kansas City
area at the Talk is Cheap studio. There we go.
I've really got a fondness for the for now. So
whenever I don't hear it... I keep adding more
and more. I know. Pretty soon this whole podcast
is just going to be an introduction. Let's see,
it started, I insisted that you call it the beautiful
Niangua arm of Lake of the Ozarks, and then it
went from there. Yeah, now I'm moving, so yeah.
Oh, shit. Oh, got to come up with another tagline.
I will. Okay, cool. We will. We will. Yeah, yep,
yep, we will, definitely. We always do. We'll
always figure out something. All right, well.
I was driving around halfway to Lawrence, Kansas
yesterday to get a home sleep test. It's a little
bit of a drive, so, you know, I had to pick up.
Yeah, and you know that that's still Olathe,
halfway out to Lawrence. Olathe is just, they
bought all this land. They just grew up that
much. Yes. Yeah, they're halfway to Lawrence.
I had to go on 10 Highway and go for a while.
And I've been to Lawrence plenty of times, so
I know how far Lawrence is. So I was probably
about, when it's all said and done, 10 minutes
away from Lawrence, and I was at an Olathe address.
Damn. Yeah, it's really grown. I'll pass you
Dora. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah, because I used
to do a lot of work around there. Yeah, you know
what you're talking about on 10 Highway there.
Fire damage. So, anyhow, I had to go all the
way over there. I had my GPS on it to find it.
I'm really unfamiliar with that part of the Metroplex.
I know 10 Highway. I know Lawrence, Eudora, and
all that. But I don't know all that Olathe and
all that. College Boulevard goes all the way
out there. I didn't know that. So, I get to the
place, and it's right off College Boulevard.
So, it's a good 40 minutes. And the only way
my phone will play my GPS directions over my
speakers is to have it on Bluetooth so I have
to go to the internet for music, right? Because
other than that, I don't hear it. It'll only
broadcast on my phone, but it won't go over the
car speakers. For whatever reason, it won't do
that. Unless I'm on internet radio. I'm on Bluetooth
on internet radio. Then it will go over that
and I can hear the directions. I have it on Spotify.
So the first time I was crossing the Kansas State
line on 435, right? You know where I'm at, right?
Yeah. Okay. Well, the chick on my GPS says, Welcome
to Kansas. So Civil War by Guns N' Roses is playing.
It's a long song, right? It's about 8 or 10,
right? Okay. So the GPS voice made my Spotify
stop. So I had to hit the button and turn it
on again. Problem was, every time it clicked
off when it started back up, it would start the
song Civil War Over. Okay? So, yeah, so the second
time I had to... I think I know where you're
going here. Yeah, I think you do too. So, the
second time I had to stay to the right to avoid
69 highway exits. So, when actually to the left,
I wrote right on here, I had to stay left to
avoid the 69 highway exits. And the GPS told
me, to stay to the left and stay away from the
exits. And Spotify clicked off again. We hit
the start button. Bam! Civil War started again
from the start. And I was almost over with the
song when this happened. I'm like, fuck! I've
got to listen to this again. You listened to
that song the whole way, didn't you? Yes. So
I'm going over... I'm going over I -35, so it
tells me to hang a right to avoid the entrance
on the exit ramps. So I clicked off again. I
hit the start button, and there we go. Groundhog
Day once again. So this is like the fourth fucking
time I'm listening to Civil War. And you know
the beginning. It goes, what we have here is
a failure. All of that. All of that, and then
the Johnny Appleseed fucking whistling. Okay.
And then the, look at the young men dying, you
know, this is what we're all here for. And all
that, you know, how Axl's singing that up and
all that over and over and over. So I had to
exit on 10. That would be one of my days. That
would be one of my days. Oh, it was nuts. I was
just sitting there grimacing going, what the
fuck? So, and coincidentally, tonight on the
way home, what did my Spotify play? Civil War.
I turned it to radio. So, you know, I had to
exit on 10 Highway, and bam, once again, Civil
War from the start. This went on for probably
six more times, and every time it didn't allow
the song to finish before she interrupted it.
The song is like seven or eight minutes long,
so a lot of times I'm six minutes deep. And then
she goes, stay to the left. Fuck! So it wasn't
just there, it was there and back. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, wow. Yeah, so... If it was Highway to Hell
or a Motley Crue song, no problem. It's three
minutes, and then you're on to the next song.
But the fact that it was one of Guns N' Roses'
long, drawn -out songs, I was fucked. I bet you're
asleep. Oh, gosh. I could not get it out of my
fucking head. I'm like, ugh! I mean, it's a good
song, but not 10, 15 times in a row. Oh, man.
So I had to keep the Bluetooth going. So I was
on the freeway, so I couldn't find something
else on my phone. It was a packed roadway. You
know how 435 gets. I don't know why Spotify does
that. I don't know if there's some sort of a
setting or something that it won't save the song
and go back to the first. You'll just be like,
okay, you were on the fourth verse, so you're
going to start right here. Mine did not do that.
I don't know. Sometimes mine will start in the
middle, but I think it's when I shut the car
off, like I get home or get to work or get to
a store or whatever, and then when I turn it
back on, then it'll start in the middle. But
if the song stops prematurely, like, you know,
like, oh, someone calls, or if I get directions
on a GPS, then that's when it'll start over.
If I actually stop the car, shut it off, leave,
come back, and then let's say I'm halfway through,
I don't know, Helter Skelter. It comes back halfway
through Helter Skelter. But not when the GPS
or someone calls you. And I was going there to
get a home sleep test, which I did last night.
It's not nearly as invasive, but it still sucks.
I had stuff around my chest and in my nose and
all that, you know. And that's where they're
at a laboratory somewhere. You know, they get
all the stuff that they need to know about your
sleep patterns through the equipment you're wearing,
right? Right. So, anyhow, I did that test. It's
so much easier than the overnight. sleep center
and hospitals that you used to have to go to.
You used to have to go, and some people still
do. I think, like, if you're elderly and, like,
pretty obese, you have to go in there and actually
sleep because they've got to examine you while
you're sleeping and look at you, right? Yeah.
So I didn't qualify for that, you know. I'm not,
like, severely overweight or, you know, or anything
like that, you know, and elderly. So I didn't
have to do that. So I didn't have to go stay
the night anywhere. I just got the test to take
home, which it still sucks, but not nearly as
bad. So I remember the years ago, my first sleep
study, I had to go to Research Hospital on Prospect.
You know where that's at, right? Yeah. Okay.
I go to my room and they hook up all the electrodes
and equipment and lights and all that. And then
everything goes off at 9 p .m. That was way too
early for me at that time in my life, right?
Yeah, no shit. Yeah, I mean, nowadays I could
probably stomach nine. I'd probably be like,
yeah, well, I'm kind of tired. Anyhow, I'll be
okay. I'll deal with it. But back then, I'm like,
what the? Why do I got to go to bed at nine?
This is bullshit, you know? So everything's out
at nine. I'm laying there, and it sucked. I couldn't
hardly move because I had these lines, and every
time I moved, they get tangled, and they wouldn't
allow clocks in your room. They would not let
you know what time it is. So I'm lying there
hating this shit really bad, you know, and I'm
pissed because I can't get what time it was.
I asked them several times and we couldn't wear
watches and they're like, no, we can't tell you.
So I remember earlier in the evening there was
this bank clock and I think you can remember
the one right off the prospect. There was a bank
clock to the right and the hospital to the left.
Yeah. Yeah. Okay, yeah. Well, that bank clock,
it's a big clock, right? And it's big red letters,
digital. So I go over there, and I'm just very
aloof. I didn't want to piss them off, you know,
and just go look at the time. I skirt by the
window, I look out to see the time, and I couldn't
see the clock. So I'm like... You know, I thought
it was fogged up. I'm like, okay, all right.
Well, I get it. You know, it's kind of cool tonight
because I think it's about this time that year,
maybe a little bit later. So it's starting to
get cool at night. So I'm like, all right, it's
frosted up shit. You know, I can't see it. So
anyhow, so I fast forward. I wake up and a nurse
comes in and says it's time to get up. I asked
her what time it was. She said 9 a .m. I looked
at her funny and I said, It's still dark outside.
She walked over to the window. The window was
double paned. It had an electric black drapes
in between the glass. She pushes a button. Yes,
they knew you were going to do that. They knew
you were going to do that. I'm pretty sure that
they watch you. So I saw her do that. I go, what
the hell? And I go, you know, I went by there
trying to look at the bank clock. She goes, we
know. And I'm like, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She said, whenever you move, it trips an infrared
sensor, and it sends an alarm to our screen,
and then it shows you walking by, and then she
goes, don't worry, everybody tries that. Everybody
wants to know what time it is, and everybody
starts by there like that, nonchalant like you
did, and nobody gets the result they want. I'm
like, fuck. I just thought that was funny. Anyhow,
so my Jeep has passed its warranty phase, right?
The good thing is I no longer have to take it
to a dealer to have it serviced. They really
jab you on the warranties. You have to read the
fine print. It actually says that if I get my
Jeep serviced anywhere else except an authorized
Jeep dealer, it could void the whole warranty.
Did you know that? Yes. Yes, I did. Well, it
pissed me off because the last car I bought brand
new, it didn't have that. I could get it serviced
anywhere with a warranty, but this was different.
So now I go to Walmart to have the oil changed.
This way I can get my iced coffee for all week
and dog and cat food and what have you. I wish
Costco carried my brands of these products so
I wouldn't have to screw with Walmart at all.
But unfortunately, they don't carry the brands
that I use, so I have to go to Walmart. So I
go to Walmart just up the road from us. I go
into the auto section. There's a lady at the
desk. She's already really surly, right? Just
a look on her face, and then when I walked up,
you ever get that, uh -huh, like, fuck, here
comes a person look? All the time. Yep, yep.
Pisses me off. I'm like, I want to say, if you
don't want to be here, fucking leave. Okay? Yeah,
quit your job. Yeah, yeah, quit. Go do something
you want to do. It's a big wide world out there.
You don't have to fucking work here if it's that
big of a chore. So I tell her I need an oil change.
And she replies, do you have an appointment?
I said, no, I've never needed one before. So
I look at her and she's just looking at me and
I go, well, how do I make this set appointment?
And she goes, call the number and offer nothing
else. And I'm like, what the fuck? So then I
go, all right. I said, well, since I don't know
the number, could I just do it right here? She
reluctantly goes, yeah. So she takes a good,
like, I don't know, minute to go get her pad,
her iPad. Okay. She walks over and she's looking.
She goes, I don't know. We have a lot of appointments
this morning. I very cheerfully, I said, oh,
okay, good. I'll go somewhere else. You just
look to me. I decide that, you know, since I'm
already there, I can shop and get it over with.
I have quite a few items in my cart, and the
guy that was behind me at the auto desk walks
past me, and he turns around and he said, hey,
you can go a few miles into Kansas and get your
oil changed at the Overland Park Walmart on 159th
Street. No appointments, larger bay areas to
work with, more cars, and I told him thanks.
So I call out Walmart to make sure. And the guy
on the phone said, yeah, come on in. We have
plenty of room. No appointment necessary. So
I take my cart right over to the middle of the
aisle where the surly lady was. And I go, hey,
when you get done doing whatever you're doing,
you might put these groceries away. And I fucking
walked out. But I waited until she pushed the
button. Because you know how they can lock you
in and not push that button? And you're locked
in? As soon as she pushed that button, I opened
up, and I pointed at the car, and I go, hey,
whenever you get done doing whatever the hell
it is you're doing, put those groceries away.
Oh, my God. She gave me the dirtiest look. And
I go, have a nice day. She didn't say anything.
So the Walmart that I went to, I have to say,
was amazing. I go into the auto center, and there's
people waiting on me immediately. No attitudes,
nothing. I give them my keys and I got my groceries.
Everybody friendly, easy to catch and ask questions.
They don't try to avoid you like the Walmart
that I'm used to up the road. Everyone won't
even look at you because they don't want to answer
questions. They don't want to deal with you.
So you literally have to jump in front of them
there and go, hey, hey. And I don't do that.
I'm like, you know what? Fuck this. I'm just
not going to do it. It's just like cutting down
prices. I just don't do it unless I really need
it. I don't go hunt down a price, you know, so.
Right, yeah, we talked about that last episode.
Yeah, yep. So new clean building, everything's
organized. So, you know, the only thing was this.
Walmart isn't part of the network that I know
of. And this network reports the servicing to
Carfax that you get, right? You know what I'm
talking about, right? Yeah. And he goes, wow.
He goes, thank you. He goes, you've been the
nicest person in a long time. And I said, you
believe in God? He goes, yes, very much so. I
said, how about if I say a prayer with you? And
he said, how about if you say it with me? And
I said, I think that sounds like a wonderful
idea. So we prayed right there. Right on, dude.
Yeah, he is a great guy. And I wish him the best.
And I'm going to tell you another thing, too,
because he doesn't know about this podcast. But
Christmas time, I hope he's still here. I'm going
to bring him something. I don't know what yet,
but it'll come to me. It always does. And then
it'll pop up. Whether it's like I'm looking at
Amazon. I'll tell you what. Yeah. I'll tell you
what. If you need a little help financially when
it comes that time, let me know. I'll help. Well,
I don't need help financially. No, I'm just saying,
you sound like a good guy. I will pitch in. Okay,
then let's both do it, okay? I'm going to go
ahead and put my amount in, then you put whatever
amount you're comfortable in, and let's both
take it to him. Yeah. Yeah. I think that'd be
excellent. You're a really cool guy. Well, you're
closer. It'll happen to you. Okay, okay. Yeah,
you know what? You're right. And he had his fingers
cut off, like I said. He was still working. And
he wanted to work. And I was like, well... Dude,
I've seen so many guys like that in industries
that they lose their fingers, but they still
keep working. Yes. You know? Yes. No, he's had
no problem working. As a matter of fact, he liked
it. Yeah. But his humbleness was really, really
just like, I mean, it almost made you want to
cry, his humbleness. Because there he is. He's
getting chemotherapy. He's probably in pretty
bad shape from what it looks like. And he's apologizing
to me about his side effects. Right. And I'm
like going, no, no, no, no, no. You don't do
that in my world. You do not do that in my world.
I don't deserve that. No. I don't deserve that.
Neither does anyone else. You know, what we deserve
is this right here. You to do well and have a
good life. You don't need to worry about me because
I'm fine. You know, what a guy. I'll tell you
what. Exactly. Exactly. And then I had another
interesting thing happen, too. And this is a
few days ago. And I wasn't going to talk about
this, but I'm going to now. Because I was...
I was at St. Joseph Medical Center. That's where
my doctor's office is located, right? So I just
got through my doctor's and I get into the elevator
and there's this elderly black lady and really
sweet as pie. And she goes, man, she goes, I
go, hey, how you doing? She goes, good, good.
And she goes, how are you doing? I go, good.
And she goes, you know, she goes. this is unusual.
And I go, what? She goes, there's so much hatred
in the world. I don't feel it in here. And I
said, you know what? I said, we cannot help what
the rest of the world does. I said, you know
what? I said, I love you as a person and I have
no problems with you. And she looks at me and
she goes, I love you as a person. I have no problems
with you either. And she goes, could I get a
hug? And I said, of course. She gave me the tightest
hug. And she was so sweet. And she was crying.
She goes, thank you so much. You made my day.
And I said, you made my day, too. I said, you
know, that was the honesty, the emotion, you
know, that she just showed me was great. And
then when I showed her compassion and love, she
showed it back to me. And it was the most beautiful
thing that you could ever see. And I was really,
really. I left there just feeling great. I'm
like, you know, this is what life is about right
here. Not shooting someone because you don't
agree with them. Not hating someone or thinking
they're crazy because you don't agree with them.
But embrace them. You know what? You may not
believe the same thing as I do. But we can still
love each other. And I don't have to think you're
a bad person. You don't have to think I'm a bad
person. Because everybody grew up different.
Everybody grew up different. Everybody has a
completely different look on life. There's not
two people in the whole world that have the same
view on life because none of us grew up the same,
had the same things happen. You know what I mean?
Everybody is different, and that's one of the
beauties of the world, in our country especially.
Everybody's different, and that's a great thing.
So anyhow, you know what? We're not necessarily
telling dick jokes right now, so I'm done. Rob,
we turn it to you. Tell a dick joke. Well, this
ain't a dick joke. Okay. All right. It's fine.
We don't have to go dick. Hey, this is Mark.
If some of that recording sounded like it was
skipping over or maybe clipped out or whatever,
that's what happened. I had to take out some
full names because of HIPAA laws. So, anyhow,
the important thing to know is this gentleman
that had cancer, he's... he's got great spirits,
and that is everything. And I just, everybody,
pray for him. If you pray, do it. And just, you
know, God knows who you're talking about, so
just pray for that guy at Walmart. Pretty sure
God will figure it out. So, thank you guys. Thanks
for listening. It's on the lighter side, we'll
put it that way. Okay, that's cool. its name
at least temporarily. Okay. Maxwell House, the
coffee brand that sits in many Americans' pantries,
is rebranding for the first time in 133 years
to Maxwell Apartment. Maxwell Apartment? What
kind of a name is that? Okay. The classic coffee
brand introduced the limited edition Maxwell
apartment canister on National Coffee Day, September
29th, and a few more are still up for grabs on
Amazon. The Maxwell apartment bundle is on sale
for $39 .99. Okay, cool. Yeah. Oh, sorry. Did
I say that? Hey, I'm not a huge Starbucks fan,
so you're not hurting my feelings, honey. Okay.
The bundle includes four 27 .5 -ounce canisters
of Maxwell Apartment, which is the same Maxwell
House original roast ground coffee you love.
That's just for renters. canisters online and
at grocery stores. Maxwell Apartment is a part
of a limited time marketing campaign. Okay. I
just thought that was pretty cool. Yeah, I agree.
That is cool. I mean, Maxwell House needs to
do something anyhow because you never hear their
name anymore. As to the house, it says apartment
in red and blue. You know, before I started buying
local coffees, like the Roastery and City Market
and stuff, and their blends, you know, for home
use. Yeah. Before I started doing all that, I
preferred Maxwell House way over Folgers. Oh,
I did too. Yeah, it was much smoother and better
to me. It wasn't so acidic. So, yeah, Maxwell
House, I think, has a good product for people
that just want regular coffee. To me, it's the
best. So, I think it's a good idea to do this
to get their name out because you never hear
about them anymore, do you? No, no. I mean, you
hear about Folgers all the time, advertising
and stuff. You just don't hear much about Maxwell
House. No, they've kind of been like a forgotten
brand. And usually, whenever that happens, they're
gone, you know. Yeah, but... House is still a
top brand. It really is. When it comes to store
-bought coffee. No, you're right. So, yeah. Folgers
and Maxwell House is what most people buy. Okay.
Yep. No, I would think so, too. I think you're
right on that. Alright. Thank you, Rob. That
was a good story because, I mean, that kind of,
you know, that's... I find stuff like that very
interesting, especially like branding and keeping
the name alive and all that stuff. Thank you,
Rob. I appreciate that story a lot. And like
I said, this is just a limited time deal. Yeah.
Okay. Forty bucks, you get a year's worth of
Maxwell House coffee. That's pretty cheap. You
know what? I may do that anyhow and just start
drinking it and just putting my own flavors in
it. And seeing it, you know what? I have a feeling
like this. You get used to fine coffee. I bet
you can get used to regular coffee, too. You
know what I mean? You go back and just start
drinking it. Well, if you do one for one or whatever,
maybe it'll last. Yeah, that's a good idea. You
know, have like one bag of Fall Harvest Roastery,
which I'm on right now, and then have one bag
of Maxwell House, or maybe even mix them up.
a little part of them, mix a little part of them
up and try it like that. Yeah, make it last.
Then you get two, three years out of it. Yeah,
hell yeah. I think that's a great idea. 40 bucks.
I will keep you and everybody informed on this.
I think I'm going to do this. 40 bucks, that's
not bad. And that's a great idea for Maxwell
House. It's a little while it lasts. Okay. All
righty. Do you want to take our first break and
then come back with emails? This is Joshua Belmont,
your food for thought man on the hustle. So I
just realized a genius that gets absolutely no
credit. His name is Marshall Taylor. He is credited
with the first bag of salad mix that was bagged
and sold. Yesterday was his birthday. I believe
he is still alive. This guy's genius will never
be fully appreciated. Before this man, we settled
for iceberg lettuce with maybe a couple of croutons
and some cheese. Was Mr. Taylor satisfied with
that? Hell no. He realized that Billy Americana
would never go out and buy a couple of radishes,
a couple of carrots, a head of purple cabbage,
maybe snow peas, and possibly some cute romaine
bladders for extra bougie. Mr. Taylor, you should
have a national holiday. Our constant pursuit
for a real knee slapper. It's strange insults
from an alien. Real hilarity. You have more fit
in your personality. As you do in your ass. Oh
man, what the fuck is this? Is this a new feature?
What's inside Mark's head? Sounds stupid to me.
If you took my first name backwards, it would
read as Cram. And now we look in on the adventures
of the Technical Explanation Guy. Excuse me,
my dear sir. Could you please put my plain bread
in a small countertop appliance with heating
elements that would spring -loaded and would
brown my bread adequately? Well, first off, I'm
not a waiter. I'm just a guy over there sitting
at the table having a drink. Second off, are
you talking about someone toasting your bread?
Why, yes. Yes, I am. I'm talking about my bread
being toasted. Then why don't you just ask for
your bread to be toasted, you dumb bastard? What
the hell's wrong with you? Hey, everybody, this
is Uncle Rob. I'm going to give you some tips
for life. This is Uncle Rob's rules to dick pics.
Rule number one, title a pic in someone else's
name so if you get busted, it's not yours. Rule
number two, shoot angles complementary to your
length and girth. Rule number four, no propping
of the leg. This is Chicago. I am the most dangerous
city in North America. You can't touch me. Oh,
yeah? This is Kansas City here. Hold my beer,
bitch. Hello, this is Phineas J. Altaris III.
I'm here to deliver your music news this evening.
Tesla bassist and founding member Brian Wheat
has teamed up with original Tesla guitarist Tommy
Scoach in a new band called Terminal. Joining
the duo in the new group are former Wasp guitarist
Chris Holmes and original Saliva singer Josie
Scott. They plan on putting an album out later
on this year or early next year. This is Phineas
J. Baltaris III. That has been your music news
for this evening. I have one burning question
for you all. Do people really skip around the
Maypole? Tomorrow morning, while grinding your
coffee beans for your double mocha latte, remember
to not get your genitals caught in the grinder.
It really hurts. Who can afford plastic surgery?
Stay safe, everyone. The apocalypse just happened.
You don't know what to do. You don't know where
to go. But we can tell you what you can eat.
Okay, it's post -apocalypse, and you're walking
down the barren wasteland that used to be a city.
You find an old can of beans lying in the middle
of the road, but you do not have a can opener.
What you do then is you find a patch of concrete,
you rub the top of the can for five minutes,
then you go to the middle of the can and squeeze
it, and it should pop right open. Sir, I see
your qualifications here. I have some further
questions that could help me determine your employment
eligibility. Yes, sir. I'm ready. Well, as you
can see here, we have a large population of different
ethnic backgrounds, sexuality, and ages. Are
you by chance bilingual? Well, sir, I'm not sure
why you need that kind of information, but, well,
it was only one time in summer camp. I considered
it experimental. Two douchebags and a microphone.
I'm Mark here in the Kansas City vicinity at
the Talk is Cheap studio. And I am Rob at the
beautiful night warm of Lake of the Ozarks in
the Doug Blount studio. For now. Thank you, Rob.
All right. We're going to do some emails here
like we spoke about. Mark and Rob, will you ever
do more than two douchebag shows a week? I will
take whatever I can get, but one or two more
would be nice. Don in Little Rock. Don, thank
you. That is a great compliment. Yes, yes. Maybe
later. I mean, could you see us doing another
one later? Maybe? I don't know. Well, if you
go back in our history, we were doing four a
week there for a long time. And there's no way
we could keep up with it. It wore us out. Yeah.
So, I mean, maybe... Between normal life, you
know, actual life, and this, I could see us doing
another one. Yeah, but I don't see doing four.
Four is too much. Four is too much. We could
probably bump it up to three, but we're going
to have to wait. You know, we can't do it right
now. Both of us are way too busy. Oh, yeah. Plus,
I'm already moving and everything else. So, yeah.
So how about after the first of the year, we'll
re -examine this, Don? Yes. I totally agree.
I totally agree. Yeah, and then if we both feel
like we're comfortable with doing it, we'll do
another show. But four, I'm sorry, you're not
going to... Yeah, four is too much, yes. Yes,
way too much. If this was our main job, yes.
I'd be doing fucking ten a week. What about you?
Oh, yeah, we'd be on 24 -7. Yeah, they'd never
get us off of here. But the fact that it is a
hobby and a non -monetary generating hobby. So,
you know, you get what you get. We're just glad,
Don and Little Rock, we're just glad that you
love the show that much. You want more. And we're
going to try to get you another show. Yep, so
this is the way it is. By the way, Don, I love
the river district down there in Little Rock
near the Arkansas River. Isn't that a beautiful
area? Yes, I do too. I need to get back there.
They have such a nice... Actually, me and Princess
are talking about making a trip down that way.
Oh yeah, you can't go wrong. It's beautiful.
It's a nice city. I really enjoy Little Rock.
Yeah. It's not too big. But it's big enough that
everything, you know, there's good hospitals
there. There's, you know, there's good restaurants,
everything like that. It's big enough that you
can live there comfortably and get all your needs
taken care of. But it's not too big to where
you're constantly battling traffic and feeling,
you know, cooped up and all that. So, and like
I said, the river district there is beautiful.
And then they have another district on the north
side of town. I can't remember the name of it,
but that's pretty cool. Yeah, you know what I
mean? Yeah. It's kind of like Ybor City if you've
ever been there in Tampa. It's kind of like that.
Or even maybe even kind of like a Westport or
a West End in Dallas or something like that.
All right. Next one. Rob, we're putting up an
anti -Mark website. We had AI simulate Clint
kicking Mark in the teeth. What the fuck? Anyhow,
man, it's fun to watch. What the fuck again?
We want to know if you could maybe put a paragraph
that will support Mark being a dickhead. Thanks
in advance. Rich, Mitch's brother. Rich, Mitch's
brother. Rich, Mitch's brother. Mitch had jury
duty just like Mark did. These fuckers. I've
got to meet, even though someone wants to...
I don't know. How did I get on his bad side?
What did I do? I never said anything to him.
I don't either. But I've got to meet Mitch. There
you go. see what he looks like. Yeah, yeah. Hey,
Mitch, send us a photo. You know, we have the
webpage. Well, no, you can stand right there
and we're going to find the pictures. Yeah, you're
right. Yeah? Yeah. Alright, thanks. I'll be laughing
my ass off as I'm walking into work in the morning.
Okay, my rebuttal is Mitch and Rich and Clint
are all a bunch of little girls. Hey, wait a
second. Oh, I'm insulting little girls. I'm sorry.
Well, that too, but I just thought of something.
Yeah, what? Yeah, go ahead. Oh, no, I'm done.
Go ahead. They must have Narcan there in Freeman.
That's all I can think of. I bet you his lover,
Mitch, probably bought him some Narcan. Which
ones bought him? I don't even fucking know. I
think they switch back and forth. One day Mitch
is a girl. Next day Clint's a girl. No, no, no,
no, no, no. Actually, I think Mitch is the butch.
Oh, you do? Yeah, Mitch told him, he said, bitch,
don't you say anything. Yeah, Mitch the bitch.
You keep your mouth quiet or I'm coming for you.
And Clint's over there cowering. He's cowering
in the corner going, yes, daddy, yes, yes, daddy.
I'll keep my mouth shut. I see it already. I
see it on my TV. Yeah, I see it too. All right,
next one. Rob and Mark, what should I do? I have
bloody stool and extreme ball sack pain. Should
I soak it in ice, bandage it? I need help in
Colorado, is what he signed. ER. ER. Yeah, ER.
Bloody stool and ball sack pain does not sound
like it's going to end well. So if I were you,
I would preempt this by going straight to the
ER and not messing around. No, if you got both
of them going at once, I'd get to New York. Yeah,
yeah. So, I need help in Colorado. Yeah, you
do need help. Go get it. Yeah. All right, next
one. No, this one's fucked. Okay. I love when
you say that. I swear, this is the best segment
we do, and we don't even write it. I know. Okay,
we are so fortunate to have people that listen.
that have this type of a personality. I mean,
it really enhances the show. I tell you, they're
just trying to help us out. They feel sorry for
us. Probably. He's got to sound like shit. I
better send him something good. All right. Next
one. I'm searching for your potluck raw gizzard
pie recipe. Do you have it somewhere? Thanks,
Jimmy and Flagstaff. He doesn't ask which one.
He doesn't ask if it's mine or yours. So it's
a potluck raw gizzard pie. The recipe for that.
You just want to make one up here? Oh, it's easy.
Okay, go ahead. Just go kill a bunch of chickens
and cut the gizzards out and throw it on the
plate. And that's it? That's gizzard potluck.
Raw gizzard pie. Okay, there you go. Thank you,
Rob. Okay, there you go, Jimmy and Flagstaff.
All right. Next one. When is Jeffy X returning?
I miss his segments. P .S. Rob, did you get him
his new Sgt. Pepper suits? Tiff in Oxnard, probably
California. Oxnard, California, I would bet,
is where Tiff is from. Okay, well, Tiff. Yeah,
and I'm going to be... He told me that it would
be a little while before he'd get with us. Yep.
He's a little busy right now. He has a lot of
heat on him right now. Yeah, yeah, they're looking
for him. He will be back. He will be back. He
promised that. Yeah. And so if you want another
answer right here, just long and short of it
right here is... is I was questioning what kind
of a character he was and whether he fits in
this show or not. And so I've been kind of like
holding off on him. But we've had quite a few
emails that has been wanting him to come back.
So, I mean, and Rob, do you like Jeffy X too?
Do you think it's a good segment? Dude, I spent
how much money on him making him that suit? Okay.
And now I have... Okay, all right. I tend to
overthink some stuff. Which is a weak supply
of each. All right, you know what? Jeffy X is
not going anywhere. So there you guys go. You
get Jeffy X indefinitely. But until then, I think
he's hiding out in the... Yeah, I know. He did
tell me he has to lay low right now. He got some
heat. Yeah, yeah. He's got people looking for
him for giving out the lists. Yeah, yeah. Next
one, guys. This one's sad because we love the
guy. Guys, I miss Tulsa so bad. I cannot stand
Atlanta. Your show keeps me sane. Thank you.
Please don't stop. Ronnie and Tulsa, the Tulsa
King. Hello, Ronnie. Glad we're happy it helps.
I feel for you. Tulsa's his home. You know that.
I know he does. Yeah, he loves Tulsa. So, Ronnie,
I wish I had an answer for you. I mean, we're...
Ronnie, the only thing I can tell you, Ronnie,
is just look to get back. Yeah, yeah. If that's
what you feel, if that is what your heart is
telling you, find something else to get back
to Tulsa. Well, I shot him a couple... I shot
him a couple of ideas. I shot him a couple of
ideas, and he was receptive to it. So, we'll
see. Yeah. I mean, you've got to follow your
heart, especially when you get older. You know,
you've got to do what makes you happy. Yeah.
Yeah, you do. And I've learned that in the last
few years. Yeah, and you sound so much happier
too, Rob. So, it's working. It's working. Oh,
I forgot to tell you. Yeah. Guess where I'm going
this Saturday. Where? Do you remember the call
in I did from Jacob's Cave Swamp Beat? Yeah,
yeah. Down there? Uh -huh, I remember that. Me
and Princess and her brother are going Saturday.
Yeah, yeah, we were up at the city market on
a Saturday, weren't we? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah,
we couldn't believe you called in when you were
somewhere. It's awesome. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I
was at the Swampy at Viper Sales. It's a Jenkins
Cave Swampy. Yep, I remember. Big deal, man.
It's a huge deal. You want to find anything,
go down there. You'll find it. Yeah, like old
stereo equipment and all that good stuff. Whatever.
Yeah, whatever. They have pinball machines. No
kidding? Please do. I just thought of that. He
lives in Texas, but his mom lives up here. Yeah,
I'll hook you up with that. I'm such a dick.
I don't have room for it anywhere, but I'm still
going to get one. Why not? I'll put it on the
fucking roof. I don't care. So whatever. Build
a shed. Oh, I'll make a pinball tent. How's that?
Anyone want to go to my pinball tent? What? Yeah,
yeah, it's a tent with pinball machines. Yeah,
a tent would be better than a shed, yeah. Yeah,
hell yeah, a pinball tent. That's awesome. There
we go, problem solved. And the extension cord
stays dry underneath the tent, so you don't have
to worry about getting fried. Exactly. Yeah.
Just cut the hole in the bottom of the tent,
bring it up through, you got it. What could possibly
go wrong? Okay, Rob, I have a featured email,
but it's a little lengthy. So, go ahead with
something and I'll come back to you. Oh, no,
that's fine. Okay. Oh, okay. Oh, do you want
me to go ahead and go? Well, either you or me,
one of the two. You make up my mind, man. Okay,
you go ahead and go because I've been talking
a while and I think it's very important to have
that seesaw. Okay, rest your voice. Yes. Well,
I like the seesaw. Go to you. You have a different
voice, a different perspective. Go to me. I think
we need to keep that up. So I've been talking
a little bit too much. So I will get back to
this after you do your story, okay? I love it.
Okay. That was the first grab. Okay. Okay, I'm
reaching in the bag of garbage again. I love
that first piece of garbage. Keep it coming.
So far, I'm loving your bag of garbage. Okay,
actually, this one might give... Let me reach
in first. Oh, you know what we need to do, Rob?
We need to make a sound like you're reaching
in this bag of garbage. Yeah, we'll figure that
out later. Go ahead. That'll make this thing...
That'll put it over the top. Yeah, boy. Okay.
What do you think? I don't know. What do you
think? I think he would have done perfect if
it was anything but a fucking hard Pacific. You
know, okay, it's going to go different. You know
what? I agree with that. I think that's, yes.
Yes, a Prius. Yeah. A Corolla. There we go. That's
a good media item. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a
good middle ground right there. Okay. Okay. That's
what it is. Seal of approval. Stamp. There we
go. Go a little more expensive next time, dude.
I'm looking at the car. At least get the sunroof.
No, actually, I'm looking at the car. He probably
paid about three, four grand for it. What song?
I think it was Stormtroopers. Yes, yes. Yeah,
Harry would still be it. Let's see. Harry was
too cheap to buy a real car. He had a Volkswagen
Rabbit, and that's going to put an end to Harry's
cheap habit. The truck couldn't stop, so the
driver took aim. The truck hit Harry. Harry burst
into flames. You're dead now, Harry. You can't
come back. You'd still be alive if you drove
a Cadillac. That was it. That was it. That was
S -O -D. Ode to Harry. Anyhow, go ahead, Rob.
I'm sorry. Okay, that was all up for tonight.
That was awesome. I love that. We're going to
work on that. We're going to perfect that. We're
going to make sound effects. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I got more. I got plenty more. I'm thinking about
maybe doing like, you know, a trash truck sound.
Back of garbage. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, you know what? Alright, I'm going to come
up with something and then Sunday night I'll
play it to you beforehand. Okay? And then you
fuckers are going to have to wait until the next
one. So there. Alright. I got a featured email
before we go to the second break here. Okay,
Mark. Thank you, Rob, by the way. Alright, Mark.
Yes, sir. You did a post years ago on... Thank
you. Val just brought me some food. Thanks, babe.
And there's the show, Kat. Thank you, Val. Okay.
Mark, you did a post years ago on the Food Dude
that was a review of an Italian coffee house
pastry and deli in Denver. You said you still
have the transcripts. Yep. Could you possibly
find your review and name of the place? Well,
like I said, I have all my transcripts. I can't
find the food dude. He's nowhere to be found.
Some asshole took the name, and I don't know
how he kicked me out of my own thing. But on
Instagram, it's no longer there, and he got some
other asshole called the food dude. I don't know
how it happened. Maybe by me not doing anything
with it, it relinquished it. I don't know. I
don't know enough about it. Okay, I looked it
up, and it's Giordano's Italian Coffee. pastries
and deli it is on fifth and wayne in denver downtown
denver first off the cappuccino was extraordinary
like true italian coffee houses no sugar or cream
the coffee is ruined to them if you doctor it
up so they don't have anything there yeah a lot
of people came in and said hey do you have any
simple sir no we don't do that here you drink
it like it is or You eat a pastry with a black
coffee. That is the whole idea of Italian coffee.
They have like these little cookies and stuff
they eat with it. So they don't have any sugar,
cream, or anything like that. You drink the coffee
while you're eating something sweet, or you don't
have something sweet with your coffee. So the
pastries that I tried were the Cornettos, which
is a lot like a croissant, but sweet with a more
doughy crust. Excellent for cappuccinos. It's
just the great, it's just perfect pairing with
a good cappuccino. I also had the saffitella,
I think is how they pronounce it, a flaky shell
-shaped pastry that is Naples Pacific, specific,
not Pacific, specific, tasty flaky shell -shaped
pastry with layered dough filled with sweet ricotta.
And, oh, I still dream about that. All that was
amazing, but not as much as the pasticciato,
which is a short crust filled with custard, quite
similar to pasticcio, the Greek pastry. I took
a deli sandwich back to the hotel, and it was
still fantastic. Four hours later, I had the
chariot, salami, and fresh basil, mozzarella,
burrata cheese, and green olives, pickled green
olives, with imported balsamic vinegar drizzle.
It was an amazing sandwich. The owner's first
name is Grotto, but he goes by Otto. Five stars.
Anywhere near Denver, go there immediately. Do
not fuck around. Go straight there. What the
fuck was the guy's name? I didn't put it down
here. Okay. I know you, though. So, anyhow, thank
you for that. There you go. Anyhow, it's not
important. I don't think he gives a shit if I
give his name or not. So let's go to our second
break. We're way late. We'll be right back. Sound
like a plan? All right. All right, we'll come
back with something you want to do. All right.
Have you ever wondered what something came about?
Have you ever looked at something and said, hmm,
I wonder what the origin of that is? Well, so
have we. That's why we give you The Origin of
The Origins of Beignet. Beignet's first maiden
appearance in New Orleans in the 1700s when French
Creole colonists settled the land. According
to NewOrleans .com, also known as French Arcadians,
they moved to the Bayou Lands in Louisiana after
they were forced from their homes in the Nova
Scotia area by the British, reports Britannica.
Oh man, what the fuck is this? Is this a new
feature? What's inside Mark's head? Sounds stupid
to me. Stromboli is so delicious. I love Stromboli.
I wonder if it loves me back. I bet you it does.
Stromboli is so tasty. It's like a giant pizza
roll with more flavor. It's the ultimate food.
Mmm, Stromboli. We need Stromboli cereal. Yeah,
yeah. Yeah, that's it. Stromboli cereal. Mmm,
Stromboli flakes. Mmm. Harambe used to listen
to our original show, Two Dipshits and Cheap
Radio Shack Realistic Tape Recorder. Harambe
does not listen to our original show, Two Dipshits
and Cheap Radio Shack Realistic Tape Recorder
anymore. You might ask why Harambe never listens
to our original show, Two Dipshits and Cheap
Radio Shack Realistic Tape Recorder. Well, it's
because Harambe is dead. Senselessly murdered
because some idiot did not watch her child properly
while looking on her phone. Sadly, Arambe does
not listen to our original show, Two Gypsies
and the Cheap Radio Shack Realistic Tape Recorder,
or any other show. Anymore. Sorry, Arambe. All
those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my
hand. That needs to happen. They used to call
it Jump -Oleem until your mama got on it. Somewhere
in the heavens, your great Grammy Gertrude is
crying because her little Bebo is listening to
this film. Next up, Things Overheard in Hell.
John Wayne Gacy is in charge of human resources.
And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark. Hmm. If I was
to speak into a megaphone backwards... Would
it then sound like a whisper? I may never know.
Ms. Gulkenstein was tired of Mark and Toe for
making sport of her. Little did the douchebags
know Ms. Gulkenstein was a voodoo high priestess
when she was younger. She grew angry and cast
a spell on Rob, changing Rob into a capuchin
monkey. Mark took Rob to a local zoo so he could
be with the other monkeys. Here are the adventures
of Rob, the capuchin monkey. Shh, be very quiet.
We're going to listen in as Rob, the capuchin
monkey, tries to sell the rest of the capuchin
monkeys Amway. Rob has always dreamed of becoming
a diamond status Amway as a capuchin monkey.
Little did our hero Rob know. All the great apes
owned stock in Sam's Club and became violently
pissed off when he tried to infringe on their
territory. They promptly grabbed switches and
beat his ass for three days straight. Rob could
not sit down. So you want proof that we love
you here at QD Spades and Microphone Central?
Here's a proof right here. How about the drink
of the week? Hey, my little bacon bits. Didn't
you need to get to Smashville pronto? Did your
friends start without you? We have your solution.
Adios, motherfuckers. Adios, motherfuckers is
one stiff drink. It should be used with caution.
One half ounce of vodka. One half ounce of rum.
One half ounce of tequila. One half ounce of
gin. One half ounce of blue curacao. Two ounces
of sweet and sour mix. Sprite or 7 -Up. Use a
lemon wedge as a garnish and put in a highball
glass. Bam. There you go. Two douchebags and
a microphone while I'm sitting here with my mouth
stuffed at the Talk is Keep studio in the Kansas
City area. I love it. I love that introduction.
And this is Rob from the beautiful night warm
of Lake of the Ozarks at the Doug Black studio.
Whack, whack, more now. Rob, have you ever had
Grozo's salad dressing? Just the regular? Oh
my God, it is heavenly. And that's what I had
on my sandwich. You're eating it now, right?
Yes, and that's how come my mouth was stuck when
I had to come back on. It's because that shit's
so good, I couldn't stop. I'm like, okay, one
more bite. Okay, one more. Oh, no, no, one more.
I know Garazza's a big name. I need to try it.
I need to try it. Oh, you haven't? Oh my God,
when you come up... I need to do that better,
yeah. I know. Well, we know we've got to go to
Justin James for old -time shows. I'll gain 30
pounds. It's easy to up here. Kansas City has
great food. I don't know how well it's known
around the country or world, but Kansas City
has excellent choice of restaurants and food.
Yes. So, anyhow. Rob, go ahead. sinus infection.
Mm -hmm. Um, sinus infections can be very, very
bad, too. I mean, you can lose your equilibrium,
um, you know, to where you're dizzy. Yeah. Nausea,
vomiting, headaches, everything. Yeah. So he's
doing well? Go ahead. Well, he's very much on
the net. It's awesome to be surrounded by guys
who practice what they preach. Full story will
drop on the Duck Call Room soon. Cool. Which
the Duck Call Room is their podcast. Oh, okay.
I didn't know that. Yes. I just found that out
today myself. Okay. So they're going to make
an announcement on the podcast is what they're
saying? Yeah, and he's doing all right. Good.
I'm glad he's doing well. Good. Get better, Uncle.
Come on, Unc. Cool. Thank you, Rob. Walmart,
I talked about them earlier and I'm going to
talk about them again. They permanently removed
self -checkout machines from key locations. Walmart
has shocked the retail industry by permanently
removing all self -checkout machines from multiple
store locations across the United States. Stores
in St. Louis, Missouri, Cleveland, Ohio, and
Shrewsbury, wherever Shrewsbury is. Missouri
has a... completely scrapped their self -checkout
systems in favor of traditional cashier -operated
lanes. It hasn't hit here yet, because they still
have the self -checkouts, but they're probably
working on it, I bet. This dramatic shift represents
one of the most significant retail technology
reversals in recent years, especially considering
Walmart's previous investment in automated checkout
systems. The move has left customers and industry...
Experts questioning whether this signals the
end of the self -checkout era for America's largest
retailer. Okay. There's a couple of different
things. All right. The demographic of Walmart
is an older, right? Older people go there generally?
Would you say? Yes. Yes. Okay. Well, okay. Here's
one of the things going on because I've read
on this for quite a while. Older people. You
did a story about that a little bit. And also,
people steal you blind. It's not a club. No one
has the right to go over your receipt and look
in your bag, as I've been demonstrating with
what I've been telling you, you know, the stories
I've been telling you about the Walmart up here,
and how you don't have to, and I know this. And
then they go, well, you know, they want you to
email the receipt, they want to email the receipt
or text it to you. Well, I had them text it to
me at the one in Kansas, and guess what? I never
got it. So if they would have checked my stuff
on the way out, I would have had to go to customer
service and spend 40 minutes having them look
up my receipt. Right. Yeah, so anyhow, they can't
make you download an app. They can't make you
sit there and go through your bags. They can't
look through your receipt. So, you know, I mean,
if they want to quit getting ripped off and they
want to, ensure that elderly people still want
to go there as much as they did, I think the
only answer is to get rid of them, the self -checkout,
or scale them way back. Have just two of them,
and then have more cashiers. That way, if someone
doesn't want to participate in that, they don't
have to, they can go to a cashier because there's
plenty of them available. But I think Costco
has this one dead on. What they've been doing...
or at least the one I go to, is they have an
employee with a tablet that is equipped with
a scanner. The employee works ahead in the line
where the people are waiting and scans their
merch right there. Then you just go up there
to check out on the machine. You hit your card
and all your merch pops up that they scanned.
Then you just pay the total and leave. You see,
so you got everything. You got a person greeting
you and talking to you. You get to go through
self -checkout, so you're still in control if
that's what the deal is. And also, no one can
rip you off because your employee just scanned
everything in that cart. So I think that's a
great idea. And I think if Walmart was smart
enough, they would do that too. But I don't know
if they would do that. Because from what I could
tell, they have no indication that they're going
to do that. All right, that's all I got on that.
So, Rob, you got something? Yeah, I do. All right,
good. Sorrel Book is best remembered as Boss
Hogg from the Dukes of Hazzard. Yep. But his
life went far beyond that. he was far more than
a white -suited cigar -chomping schemer he played
on TV. Born in Buffalo, New York in 1930, Book
showed early promise as a student and as a performer.
He went to Columbia University before moving
on to Yale, where he got his Master's in Fine
Arts. His self -discipline and zest for performance
set him Uh -huh. Yeah. sourcefulness and commitment
to his country traits far removed from those
associated with the buffoonish boss hog. You
would never guess it by the character he plays.
Seriously. That's why I found this so interesting.
I actually knew this because I believe it's in
John Snyder or Tom Wopat's book. Yeah, I want
to say John Snyder, but it could have been Tom
Wopat. But in one of those books, it actually
goes into that, about what a special guy he is
and nobody knew. And everyone just thought he
was just some fat guy that played, you know,
Boss Hogg. No, he was a smart dude. He was an
extraordinary human being. He did a lot of feats
most people would not even dream of doing. So,
God bless him. Digging deeper. Oh, sorry. Go
ahead. Book was fluent in at least five languages,
including Russian, Japanese, Korean, French,
and Spanish. Shit. His linguistic prowess wasn't
from idle academic interest either. He applied
his skills during his intelligence. service and
later used it. satisfaction in breathing new
life into forlorn and neglected spaces. It was
a hobby that also mirrored his acting career.
The talent to take small or forgotten roles and
make them shine was a figure. Wow. I knew some
of that. If I knew all of it, I'd forgotten all
of it. But I knew some of that because, like
I said, I think it's in John Snyder's book. It
could have been Tom Wopat, but it's one of the
two Duke boys. They both wrote a book. I would
guess John Snyder. I think it was. I tend to
think it was John Snyder. But he had some of
that in there. I don't know if he had it all
or if I'd just forgotten some of it. But you
talk about a well -rounded, geez, what a... a
go -getter. I felt like a slacker just hearing
you read that stuff off of him. Jeez. It's like,
I thought I'd done a couple of things. I don't
think so. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he was one of
the biggest slackers that we grew up with, you
know? Yeah. But he wasn't. He was not. That's
great acting. That's a great character right
there, you know? Yes. Someone that has that much
going on, that much intelligence, that much oomph,
that much pizzazz, but can act like that and,
do it convincingly, that's a whole talent in
itself. Yeah. Because acting is not easy. I don't
know. I think a lot of people think you just
go in there and go, you read your lines and all
that. It's not easy, you know? No, no. I mean,
I always like to make it easy. And then his biggest
role was playing a dummy. Yeah. But he was that
smart. But he was that good at it. He was very
convincing. I remember I was like reading some
stuff on James Gandolfini, you know, his Tony
Soprano. And whenever, you know, he was such
good friends with Janice, his sister, you know,
on the program, I forgot her name, that it was
really hard to get mad at her. But he was mad
at her all the time, according to the show, right?
He always had something wrong. And so what he'd
do is he'd put rocks in his shoes. And every
time he did a scene with her, He will walk up
to her, and you imagine walking with rocks in
your shoes how mad you would be? Oh, my God.
It worked. Every time he went up there to talk
to Janice on the show, he was madder than hell
because he had rocks in his shoes. To me, that's
genius. I don't know if anyone else thinks that's
genius, but I do. I do, too. It is. It's like,
man, I like this person too much to really act
too mad at him. Can't really do it. So I've got
to get mad somehow. Hey, I know how. I'll put
rocks in my shoes. Take it upon yourself. Either
that or, I mean, you know, he could drink a bunch
of beer and then run around in, like, really
tight Levi's, okay? And then he gets chafed.
Yeah, he could be a dumbass. And then he gets
chafed, and then you're really angry. Getting
chafed is a different type of angry, isn't it?
Yes. And, yeah, chafing. And chafing. And chafing.
And chafing. Yeah. Oh, gosh. I'm glad I don't
work in that type of environment anymore, like
at all these job sites and stuff, where chafing
is a definite possibility because, yeah, chafing
is not fun. If I ever, you know, really wanted
to wish hell on somebody, I wish they would be
chafed every day. Oh, my God. People go bond
themselves, fucking power themselves up, pat
themselves down, but it still gets you. It still
gets you. It doesn't matter how much maintenance
you do during the day. It still finds you, and
it gets you. It's horrible. Swamp days. It's
funny. I used to walk into the bathroom at work
and see baby powder laying on the floor. Yes,
and that's because someone was shaking. And now
it's not there no more. So that person ain't
there no more. You know what's funny is that
was the same at places I worked too. Every industrial
place that I worked at in the shop, you go into
the bathroom during summer, really hot days,
you would always see baby powder or gold bond
laying on the floor because somebody was like
so miserable they ran in there and fucking caked
their inner legs with fucking that powder. It's
terrible. So I would say that that's hell right
there. You walk around chafed all day and there's
nothing you can do about it. No gold bond, no
powder, nothing. You just have to walk around
and chafe and hurt like hell. So that's the only
other thing besides rocks in the shoes, I think,
that make you mad. Yeah. Just napping, pissed
off, mad, chafing. Yeah. All right. It's 920.
Do you want to keep going or do you want to end
this? You're the one that's got to get up early.
I'm done. Yeah, I'm about done for tonight, brother.
All right, brother. Thank you. Let's say our
hellos. Yep. Oh, yeah, yeah. Hello to Hicksville,
Albuquerque, Grandma Opal. Grandma Opal, Jimmy,
Ricky. She got out of rehab. Grandma Opal. Oh,
good. She's back at home. Yes. So, Grandma Opal,
we love you. Keep doing well. We love you listening
to the show. We love the fact that you love the
show, and we love you being there. So, thank
you. And Ricky and Jimmy and everybody, thank
you. And I was going to say something right before
that, but I can't remember. To be honest, seriously,
I would like to have a meet. I really would.
We actually talked about it, remember? I might
line that up. I might line that up. Okay, yeah,
send them a message or something. Yeah, definitely.
Yeah, I would love to meet with them, too. I
mean, they are wonderful people, and they support
each other. I'm guessing we would have to go
there, but that's fine. Well, that's already
been discussed, because she can't go that far.
Yeah, she can't travel. Yeah, so we will go there.
Oh, I don't... I don't think it ever gave you
my idea, though. Okay, on the way to Dodge City,
there's a chicken house. Okay? Yeah, no, it's
really good. No, it's a place to eat chicken.
They call it a chicken house. It's called HG
or LH or something like that, chicken house.
And they have really good fried chicken there
and homemade rolls and just really good food,
right? It's out in the middle of nowhere, and
it's on the way to Dodge City where they live.
Yeah, Frontenac or... Or Chicken Annie's. Or
Chicken Mary's. Yeah, Chicken Annie's or Chicken
Mary's. Yeah, we can have that. Now, there's
a slight difference... Hey, you're not meeting
me for chicken, Alan. I got fucking tacos. Oh,
tacos are good, too. Now, if anyone doesn't know,
there's two... Oh, that's my dinner tonight.
There's actually three or four chicken places
down in Pittsburgh, Kansas and Frontenac, Kansas,
which is kind of like a suburb of Pittsburgh.
You have Chicken Annie's and Chicken Mary's.
And do you know the story how they started, Rob?
Yes, yes, I do. Yeah, they had miners down there
that were, when they stripped mine and they're
in there mining and they had nowhere to eat.
And somebody that knew Chicken Annie went to
her and said, hey, you know, if I pay, I don't
have any way to cook anything. You know, we're
in this lousy little hotel room. We don't have
any amenities at all. There's no restaurants.
You know, we really don't, I don't have anything
I can eat, you know, besides like, I don't know.
sandwich food or whatever. So everyone knew about
her chicken, Chicken Annie's, it's famous around
there, but she never did make it, you know, she
never did sell it. So this miner talked her into
paying her so much a week to have her make his
chicken, and he would go up there every day,
which wasn't very far from the Mendel Mines,
I believe is what it was, where they're doing
the mining, or just north of there. Yeah, yeah,
Mendel Mines, yeah. Yeah, so he would go up to
Chicken Annie's house, get the chicken, bring
it back to the... the work site. And everyone's
like, the hell? How'd you get that? And he's
like, Annie. Who's Annie? She's up the road.
Okay. Well, how'd she give you chicken? I pay
her. So all the other ones went up there. And
they're like, hey. And they're like, I don't
know, 50 of them or so. So she started making
them all chicken. Then pretty soon, she moved
out of her farmhouse and built another house.
And that farmhouse is now Chicken Annie's, and
Chicken Mary's, her cousin, popped up right beside
it a few years later. That's what I was going
to add. Chicken Mary is her cousin. Yes. I was
going to add that, yeah. Yeah. So you have Chicken
Annie's, Chicken Mary, and it's literally on
a gravel road just past the railroad tracks.
About three miles. That's the best chicken you
could ever get. Oh, it's amazing stuff. And then
they have the homemade rolls and the green beans.
Have you had the green beans? Yes. Oh, my gosh,
man. There's like pieces of bacon and onion.
Oh, it's seasoned with black pepper. Oh, my God.
Oh, they're so good. Oh, you're talking about
it. Good food. Yep. And also, they're great people.
Every time you go in there, they're nice and
friendly. I think they give veterans food. You
know, if you're a veteran, you go in there and
go, hey, here's my ID. And they're like, yep.
Yeah. I think you get a discount. Yeah, free
food. Oh, okay. No, no. It's a discount there.
Lambert's is the one that gives veterans free
food. And also people that are disabled. I've
seen them do that myself. And there's a lady
in a wheelchair not doing too good. And the guy
went up there. I guess he's a manager or something.
He goes, you know, we know you're going through
a lot, so we'd like to offer you this meal for
free. And I was just like, wow, that's fucking
cool. Lambert's is pretty cool, too. That's down
in... Ozark? Ozark, yes. Ozark, Missouri. Just
south of Springfield. Yep, on 65 Highway. Yep.
The throat rolls are amazing because they always
get some kid that can hit you right between the
eyes. You better be ready to catch that damn
roll if they're throwing it at you. I love it.
Oh, people get beamed all the time in the head.
They don't care. It doesn't hurt, but it's funny.
So, anyhow, we're supposed to do that. I've seen
people throw rolls back at him. Oh, I have, too.
I have, too. It used to be like a beach ball
game going. I know. Then he'll throw it back,
and then they'll throw it back to him, and pretty
soon someone else gets involved. And pretty much
it's like fucking roll volleyball by the time
you get done. Yeah, yeah. So, all right. It's
like a beach ball at a concert. Yeah, everyone's
like batting it up in the air. And it's a huge
restaurant, too. The place is freaking huge.
Awesome food. Awesome food. Oh, great food. Great.
Oh, my God. Why don't we eat food? Well, I used
to be a food critic. I need to strike that back
up. I think now I can call myself like the foodie
duty or something like that. I don't know. I'll
come up with another catchy name. Well, someone
took the food, dude. They used to be mine. The
foodie duty. Oh, no. Looks like the show's over,
kids. Mark has explosive diarrhea and can't afford
a wireless mic. Fear not, assholes. They'll be
back invading your ear holes soon.