Welcome, snot rags. It's time for the Daily Douchebag
Pledge. Say it with me and make everyone near
you say it too. I, Joe or Jane Listener, hereby
promise to listen to every show. I, Joe or Jane
Listener, hereby promise to download all the
shows. I, Joe or Jane Listener, hereby promise
to go to public computers, friends' computers,
Androids, iPhones, and business computers, and
all in between, and download the show from there.
I, Joe or Jane Listener, will make all my friends
and family members listen. And finally, I, Joe
or Jane Listener, hereby promise to lie to everyone
about how good the show is. And don't forget
about the selfie you're going to take in front
of the Novelick, Missouri sign. There you go,
shitbags. That wasn't so bad now, was it? Here
at Two Douchebags and a Microphone, we don't
stand behind our journalistic integrity. Go ahead
and assume we got the story wrong. At least we
admit it. Not like all those other guys, we can
and will lie if it makes the story better. Two
douchebags and a microphone? Hey, if you're a
fan of paying way too much for trinkets and food,
well your wish is coming true. Han City International
Airport Guest Pass program is starting today.
Yes, you too could overspend on workless trinkets
and $15 cups of coffee. You want to buy a $50
cheap t -shirt that has KC Western Auto Building
image on it? We got you covered. Want a barbecue
sauce gift pack? No problem. Just a mere $40
and you're first born. Hurry. You know rubes
are jumping all over to get to this complete
ripoff. Because people are sheep. Hi all. This
is Chicago. I am the most dangerous city in North
America. You can't touch me. Oh, yeah? This is
Kansas City here. Hold my beer, bitch. Tomorrow
morning, while grinding your coffee beans for
your double mocha latte, remember to not get
your genitals caught in the grinder. It really
hurts. And who can afford plastic surgery? Stay
safe, everyone. Hey, good kid. No one gives an
ounce of shit what you had for breakfast. Not
even the person on the other end. You look like
a mentally slow driv yelling into thin air all
through the store. I pray that Bluetooth shorts
out and blows up your eardrums. What men consider
self -centered dunce. Monty constantly coddled
this dummy and it fucking shows. Go the fuck
home and bore your dog. Wait, you probably forgot
the theming because you're too busy looking in
the mirror all day. Fuck off. Hey there, slap
nuts. It's time for the Creeps Music News. Hey,
my little pumpkin seeds, this is Johnny Rohypnol
with your music news. This November, Bad Company
will be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall
of Fame. Only two of the band's original members
remain, Paul Rogers, the singer, and drummer
Simon Kirk, the latter of which said the odds
of them performing at this ceremony are very
good. It's not a definite just yet, though. I
don't know. I know that we've been approached
to play a couple of songs Kirk recently explained
to Defenders of the Faith podcast. I've spoken
with Paul. Paul's health, as you know, is not
good. But I think I'm crossing my fingers that
we will be able to play at least one song. I
don't know what that is yet, and I don't even
know who's going to be inducting us yet. Simon,
we hope you are correct. We would love to hear
one last song from you two. This is Johnny Rohypnol.
That was your music news. And remember, bar chords
are bullshit. Two douchebags and a microphone.
I'm Mark here in the Kansas City area at the
Talk is Cheap studio. And I am Rob at the beautiful
magwell arm of Blake and the Ozarks. We're now
in the Doug Blind studio. Cool. I'm trying to
figure out some stuff we can add to our introduction
just to make it more tedious. You know what?
I've got to leave it alone. I've got to leave
it alone. I was thinking. Our whole first third
of the show is going to be nothing but introductions.
Yeah, you're right, you're right. And I'm sure
everybody's like, fuck, we know, we know your
Tataka's cheap in Duck Blind Studio, we know
you're going to do the goat, and we know you're
going to do the goat. Yeah, yeah, wait till I
wait to get Lucas Oil. Yeah. Oh, then you go,
yeah. I'll come up with something good. A beautiful
Lucas Oil Stadium. Vroom, vroom. I don't know.
All right. Oh, I got Pomme de Tar Lake right
there, too. Oh, you know what? That's right.
From the banks of the beautiful Pomme de Tar.
Pomme de Tar. Pomme de Tar. Tar. It is Tar. I
always call it Tar, but it is Pomme de Tar. It
is French, I believe, which would make it Tar.
But anyhow, yeah. Yeah, Bonterre. T -E -R -R
-E. It's called Bonterre. So pronounce that the
same. It's beautiful. It has a resort and a prison
there. Yeah, yeah. And that's it. Yes. The resort
is really nice. We had a friend that lived there
and we went there to go visit him. And it takes
us to the prison and Val and I are looking at
each other going, He's not incarcerated, is he?
No. Okay, then this can't be it. So we had to
keep dialing into fucking Google and then finally
just had to call and say, hey, we're sitting
here at the prison. What the fuck did we do wrong?
And he goes, it takes everybody to the prison.
You got to go here and there and all that shit.
So anyhow, so starting off with congratulations
to Johnny Dare for being selected as a Grand
Marshal at Kansas Speedway. All right on. Yeah,
the Hollywood 400 race will feature not only
Dare, but other members of the Morning Show cast,
from what I understand, which is fantastic. I
have not read anything about that. See, that's
another reason he's going to get hired in Kansas
City Radio, is because he is very well respected,
and he's loved. Yeah, they're calling him for
special things. Yeah, he still does the Harley
Davidson commercials and all that. The Rock doesn't
have a problem with his voice being on their
airwaves. You know, he's done it right. He hasn't
crossed a bunch of people like other people have,
you know. Some other people, they make it in
radio and all of a sudden, you know, they get
too big for their fucking boots or whatever.
He's never done that. And I'm not pointing fingers.
Look, man, everybody has their own view of how
they need to run their things and all that. And
I get it, you know. Some people are confrontational,
and some people choose not to be. And, you know,
there's not really a right or wrong in it. It's
just, you know. But Johnny Dare's really loved
around Kansas City, obviously, so they want him
here, and I think it's going to be a great thing
for him. And I think it would be great to keep
his name out there, although I'm almost certain
to my prediction he will end up at 101 The Fox
in some facet, whether it's afternoons, nights.
Could even be mornings, but I doubt it. I'll
bet you it'd be afternoon or nights because those
two guys are getting a little long in the tooth.
They still do a great job. Doug Medlock in the
afternoon and Nasty Man, Chuck Nasty at night.
I believe they're both in their 70s, so they
probably don't want to do it forever. I mean,
you know, Skip Rohde retired a couple years ago.
So I really do think that he's going to end up
there, but it's great that his name is out there
and he's doing stuff in Kansas City. And I wouldn't
doubt it at all if he does Hope for Christmas
somehow, maybe with another station or something,
if he does that again too. And some station agrees
to having it do it on their airwaves because
it was a big thing and people really loved it.
And a lot of people gave to it and a lot of people
loved listening to it and hearing people being
helped. So I can see that happening too. So anyhow.
But meanwhile, Modelo didn't have much time to
enjoy the top -selling beer in America. Michelob
Ultra has already taken over the top spot. Modelo
only had half of a year to enjoy the honors.
You know what, Rob? America's racist. They can't
have a Mexican beer be the number one beer, right?
Right. Yeah, that's it. Yeah. So people quit
drinking Modelo and started drinking Michelob
Ultra, the really, really white. The really white
beer. No, I'm joking. They're not. It had nothing
to do with it. What it is is people are trying
to control their weight and their blood pressure
and trying to fend off diabetes. So they have
to go to, you know, they have to cut carbs, you
know. Where a 12 -ounce can of regular beer has
40 to 50 carbs, Michelob Ultra, I think, has
like maybe 5 or 6. You know, and it's very low
in calories, too. So, naturally, people get older
and they have to go to that because they can't
drink as much. When they were younger, you know,
they go in and look at their blood sugar and
they're like, oh, shit, I got to hem this bitch
up. So, anyhow. So, Modelo, you're still number
two, so be happy. All right? You think Modelo
gives a shit? Probably not. Probably not. Yeah,
yeah. They're probably like, oh, we're not number
one. Okay. All right. Thanks. All right. Some
popular Jimmy Kimmel memes. I have a couple of
them. The first one was the only time Kimmel
made me laugh is when I heard he got fired. That
was the meme. The first one is the first time
Kimmel ever made me laugh is when I heard he
got fired. And then the second one was, I owe
Kimmel my life. I was in a coma and a family
member turned on Kimmel in the ICU and left the
room. I had to wake up and change the channel.
I like that one. He's in a coma and someone leaves
it on him in the ICU room and he had to fucking
wake up to turn it off. Fuck. Damn it. I was
having a perfectly good coma and someone left
this bullshit on. But, that's not the only one.
Travis Kelsey memes are all about, too, or AI
simulators. Coach Reed actually went over to
Kelsey and bumped him in real life and was giving
him the what for because, I don't know, Kelsey
wasn't playing good or, you know, or blowing
his assignment or something was going on. But
Coach Reed showed a lot of emotion, which he
doesn't sometimes. You know, he tries to be the
firm, you know, dad type. and be over there and
try to be there for his players and everything.
But he ran over there, and he bumped him. So
he was upset about something. So, you know, this
is like the yang of the ying of a Super Bowl
where Kelsey bumped Reed. So now we see it's
a give and take because Reed did the same thing
back. So that's probably why it wasn't taken
with a lot of, you know, what the fuck did you
do or something like that. It's because they
have that type of relationship. You know, it's
like, hey, I've got to get this guy's attention.
Yes, yes, exactly. Kelsey, I mean, come on, Mark.
We all see it. Kelsey's been going downhill the
last two, three years. Yeah, and the way he went
after Kelsey. His attitude, yeah, everything.
So why wouldn't Andy Reid fire back at him? Yeah,
yeah, this would indicate to me, Rob, that he's
blowing his assignments, what he's supposed to
do, and is pissing Andy Reid off. Andy Reid's
going over there going, hey, hey, Travis, get
your fucking head in the game because I don't
want to replace you. That's what I think is being
said. It's like, you know, we've got Noah Gray
over there and we have other people. We can go
to an all -receiver set if we have to. Don't
make me do it. Don't make me do it, Travis. I
want to keep you on the... The squad, the whole
time you're here, I want to keep you on the front
line. I want you to be a starter. But if you
don't improve, he's probably going to have to
maybe not bench him, but make him maybe the number
two or do things a little bit different, put
him in different situations than trying to catch.
So I think that's what Reed was doing, was going
over there and going, hey, dude, you're really
not concentrating or something. And listen, Kelsey's
had a lot going on. Someone just tried to sneak
into him and Taylor's house again in Leawood.
Yes, yes, yes. I read that. Yeah, and with the
nutbags out there that are going around fucking
shooting people that don't agree with them, I
think they're probably worried. They're famously
liberal, especially Taylor, right? So, you know,
Charlie Kirk was just shot. Don't mean to bring
it up because we don't do stuff like that on
this podcast. Yeah, because there's been a lot
of things I've been holding back about that.
Or how about this? How about if you're one of
the ones that lost your job because you went
on social media about it? Yeah, too fucking bad.
See ya. Which is over 20 -some thousand? Yes.
So far? Mm -hmm. Because you're sticking your
nose in social media on something that you shouldn't?
Well, and also the vileness of celebrating somebody.
celebrating somebody's death that was killed
in front of their children and their wife. Yeah.
What kind of a piece of shit does that? And I
stick to that, and I'll never fucking sway from
that either. If you don't fucking like what I
say, don't fucking listen. But I'm telling you,
if you celebrated that man's death or thought
it was cool or had something to smartass to say,
fuck you. You're the problem. You are the problem.
And it doesn't matter whether you liked him or
hated him. No. He was a human being with a wife
and... And free speech that needs to be protected
the most is the ones that you don't like. That's
how you ensure that it keeps happening. You may
not like what someone says, but you have to support
their right to say it. And that's it. Anyhow,
we'll go on. So, you know, they're probably afraid
that some fucking nutbag's going to jump out
of the fucking woods somewhere and shoot him.
So he probably is distracted. Yes, I bet he is.
My first story. Oh, okay. You know what? We didn't
go into... No, we'll get to it. We'll get to
it. Go ahead. Okay. The AI -generated video memes
are hilarious. I saw one where Reed body slams
Kelsey on the sideline, Hulk style. Have you
seen that one? Yeah. Yeah. It's funny. You can
tell it's AI, but it's still funny. And then
there's another Reed sucker punching Kelsey with
a right uppercut. Kelsey falls on the ground
crying. Looking up, it's running around. It's
running around there somewhere. It's around the
Internet. And that one was funny because it shows
a close -up of Kelsey crying. And then there's
another one where Kelsey gets smacked in the
nuts by Coach Reed. Have you seen that one? Coach
Reed walks up and kicks him right in the nuts.
And I'm sure there's a lot more that I have not
seen. I do, too. They're funny. Look, everyone
knows, well, I think. There's probably some stupid
asses that think it's real. But most people know
it's just a gag. It's a joke. So, the Rock Island
Bridge project is almost completed and opening
soon, Rob. You've been hearing about this shit
how long now? Two years, right? At least. Yeah.
Yeah, so finally it's opening up here in like
a month or less. This is an old metal truss bridge
that goes over the Kansas River. It connects
the West Bottoms that are in Missouri to the
Kansas City, Kansas side of the river. There's
walking trails, trees, grassy commons area mixed
together with restaurants, bars, coffee shops,
probably some souvenir shops mixed in as well.
It's the first of its kind recreational bridge
project in the world. So Topher and I plan on
doing some podcasts from there. Wintertime, though,
it will be good for wintertime, too, because
I saw the latest plans and they have heaters
on the structure. It's not actually a roof. In
some spots it is. It's a roof. But in some spots
it's not actually a roof. But it does have hanging
heaters, infrared heaters, that will keep you
nice and warm while you're on the bridge during
the wintertime, too. So it's going to be great.
And I will speak more about this as it comes
up. And like I said, we're going to be doing
some podcasting from there. And also, moving
on here, you like Disney World? Yeah, last time
I was there, I was like, what? I'm over it. I've
been over it many, many years. I'm over it. I've
been over it a long time. Yeah, and I think it's
probably been like that for me, too, probably
about there. I don't know, seven, eight, something
like that. So if you like Disney World and you're
single, well, now you're covered. A new Disney
fan app for single fans have been developed.
Rob, should we have New Guy go ahead and explain
this? Yeah, let's do it. All right. Hey, New
Guy, this goes to you. Um, yeah, uh, hello, uh,
this is a new guy again, and, um, I guess, uh,
that the douchebags want me to explain the new
Disney single app? They don't pay me enough.
The new Disney fan dating app is called Single
Riders, created by a TikTok influencer known
as Joe. The Bearded Nerd. The app is designed
for single theme park enthusiasts to connect
romantically and plutonically and was inspired
by the founder being stood up on a date and going
to Disney World by himself. Single Riders is
expected to have the beta version released later
this year or in early 2026 and plans to expand
to include other theme parks in the future. Well,
look, okay, there you guys go. So everybody do
me a favor and go fuck yourself. So, all right,
Rob, do you want to go ahead and take this over?
I know you have some stuff you want to talk about,
so let's not waste any time. Let's get right
to you. Yeah, well, since we've been on the serious
side for the first part of the show, and we're
going to lighten up, trust me. Oh, yeah, hang
on, hang on. Here, I know how to do this, Rob.
Dick, dick, penis, penis, balls, asshole. Asshole.
Okay, all right. Okay, now you can go. Vagina.
Gotta include the women. Hook or snot. Does it
feel hard? May not have been the best choice
of words, honestly. Probably not. I get where
she's coming from. I do get where she's coming
from. I'm going to start reading the story right
there. Okay, okay. Yeah, Jimmy Kimmel, what he
said was vile. Go ahead. They're both celebrities.
They have both made bad choices in comments.
Mm -hmm. Great question. You know why? Why? Because
one took up from one side, one took up from the
other. No, I agree. I know it's a double standard.
Yes, I agree 100%. Even in celebrities. Yes.
Yeah. Well, he used to be funny. He isn't funny
anymore. Now all he does is he speaks the corporate
line. That's all he does. But still, you see
what I'm saying? Roseanne had her own TV show
for years. Mm -hmm. Yeah, no, I agree. Late night
TV. Yeah. First I've ever heard of him. He was
kind of known in the... The comedian circle.
Yeah, a little bit. But he wasn't that big of
a name. I mean, let's see, what has he done?
He started off like doing the man show. Remember
that? Yeah. And there he was, he was, watch his
stuff there and then watch it now and you tell
me this guy isn't fake. In my opinion, I think
he's fake. Right, right, right. I think he's
towing the party line. You said it. They made
fun of everything, including made fun of a lot
of women. I mean, because one time they're sitting
out there. I remember one of the things that
they did was, you know, the Women's Suffrage
Act, right? That's where women are allowed to
vote. Well, him and another guy, I forgot the
other guy, but they were sitting there at this
little desk on like a walking trail. And it said,
help ban women's suffrage. And people were falling
for it. They thought suffrage meant suffering,
not the right to vote. So there's women everywhere
signing this petition against their right to
vote. And what they were doing was they were
illustrating how people don't know what they're
doing. Right? And it was true. It's like, wow,
does anyone not know history? Or they just glanced
at it and didn't look at it good enough, so they'll
just sign their name to anything. It's like,
hey, I've got a couple of bills I could have
you pay if that's what you do. But he was doing
stuff like that. Stuff that would get him canceled
just like that nowadays. But I do believe, in
my opinion, he is towing the company line to
keep his job. I'm not sure if he believes what
he says. He could. I don't know, but I'm pretty
sure that he gets his talking points from the
corporation, and that's why he's there, because
he's probably not making a dime from them, because,
I mean, now Sinclair and Nexstar are pulled out,
and they are not airing his show at all. They
said no. They said ABC can hire you back, but
we're not going to carry you. So, you know, yeah,
he got hired back, but he has, like, he didn't
have that many. Yeah. No, that was it. Thank
you, Rob. I appreciated that story. I think it
needed to be talked about a little bit. I appreciate
it. Yeah, I mean, like I said, you know, Jimmy
Kimmel gets welcomed back in, and Roseanne, she
really did not say much more than he did, and
she's banned for life. It's the screwy way we
do things. Right. It's politics. That's why we
stay the hell out of it. Move on. Yes. Yep. Yep.
So, anyhow, let's take our first break. We're
going to come back with some emails, and I even
got a featured email. That sound good? All right.
And we got a couple other episodes. We got nipple
yanks and all kinds of cool shit. Yeah. All right.
We shall be right back with said stuff. Right?
Right. Okay. Mama's so fat, when she was floating
in the ocean, Spain claimed her as their new
territory. Harambe used to listen to our original
show, Two Dipshits and a Cheap Radio Shack Realistic
Tape Recorder. Harambe does not listen to our
original show, Two Dipshits and a Cheap Radio
Shack Realistic Tape Recorder anymore. You might
ask why Harambe never listens to our original
show, Two Dipshits and a Cheap Radio Shack Realistic
Tape Recorder. Well, it's because Harambe is
dead. Senselessly murdered because some idiot
did not watch her child properly while looking
on her phone. Sadly, Harambe does not listen
to our original show, Two Gibshits and the Cheap
Radio Shedack Realistic Dig Recorder, or any
other show. Anymore. Sorry, Harambe. And now,
Deep Thoughts with Mark. Okay, so I have a shredded
chicken soft taco. Now I'm going to lay it flat,
open it up, and then I'm going to roll it tightly
the other way. Will it then suddenly become a
taquito? Hmm. I may never know. That man would
look ridiculous solving crime on a sunny day.
So you want proof that we love you here at QD
Spades and Microfilm Central? Here's a proof
right here about the drink of the week. How to
make the famous Carnival Cruise Line Miami Vice
frozen drink. Two ounces Bacardi one, seven ounces
frozen pina colada mix, three ounces strawberry
daiquiri mix, half a hurricane glass of ice.
blended all together and served with a slice
of pineapple and a maraschino cherry on top.
Bam, there you go. Miami Vice, carnival style.
Sometimes Mark appears to be in deep thoughts.
Usually he is contemplating whether to squeeze
a toot out or save it up for a better place.
But I digress. Sometimes he does occasionally
have a deep thought. Now we look in on his brilliance.
What if I learned telepathy? And then I tried
to talk to random people. How would I know if
they're ignoring me? I guess some questions are
greater than mankind. Next up, things overheard
in hell. Well, that little handsome CD is just
a laptop. Uh -huh. A long time ago, there was
this party house. And this is when I worked at
Justin's Steakhouse. Oh, yeah. Okay, and all
of us partied at night. And the guy that worked
there, he lived back behind Justin's. And anyhow,
he was divorced. So he had kind of like a party
house back there. So me and a buddy of mine were
sitting back there one night, and we're bored
as hell. So we're daring each other to do stupid
shit. So I told him, I said, all right, I forgot
what he dared me. He probably ran around the
block making or something like that. Something
stupid, you know, clucking like a chicken or
like, I don't know, you know, just stuff that
we could come up with that we could do. So I'm
looking around. I look next door. I guess there's
like some party or something going on and neither
one of us heard about it. So we're the only two
troll bags sitting there at that party house.
We're just sitting there going, fuck, well, this
is boring as hell. So, you know, we're doing
this stupid shit that we're daring each other
to do. So I look out and there's a house next
to it with this little porch. I go, hey, go out
there, take a dump on the porch, light it on
fire, bang on the door, and then come back. Sure.
No problem. So, hey, I'm sitting there and I
see this silhouette of him in the moonlight.
This shadowy figure fucking squatting. See these
fucking couple of turds come out. And see him
fucking throw up his shorts real quick. And all
this is just a shadowy figure. Then I see him
stooped over. It took him a long time to get
this fucker lit. I see him over there laboring.
And I'm like, oh, shit. So then he, like, throws
some leaves or some shit on it. And finally I
see this little flame. And I see this, like,
he kind of clenches up like, yeah! And all of
this is shadowing, right? So anyhow, I'm like,
ah, good. Good job, well done. So he comes back.
He sits down. And we're sitting there waiting,
waiting, waiting. Nothing. We both end up passing
out. So at 3 in the morning I wake up and I see
like this glow. It's kind of an orange glow through
the blinds. What the hell? And I hear a bunch
of rustling and shit and people talking. All
of a sudden it dawned on me. Oh, fuck. Oh, shit.
He burnt down the house next door. Oh, my God.
So anyhow, I get up. I go over there. and there's
like four firefighters with this hose and a guy
standing out there shaking his head and they're
all laughing because someone shed his shit on
the porch lit it and it caught their porch on
fire because nobody fucking answered the door
they were probably sound asleep maybe they're
on sleeping pills or something I'm like, dude,
dude, wake up. He's like, oh, fuck, man. I'm
on probation. I'm going to go to jail. I'm like,
dude, calm down. It didn't burn the house down,
man. Nobody died or nothing. Listen, they're
all out there laughing and stuff. And the homeowner's
like shaking his head like, who the fuck did
this? So anyhow. Jamar Chase, what in the hell
did you say this time? This idea has worked out
so well for you in the past. Just go ahead, fat
mouth one of the all -time greatest quarterbacks
in the league ever. Your quote was, without Kelsey,
Mahomes is just another Kirk Cousins with a headband.
Well then, Mr. Chase, you should know Kirk Cousins
very well. You and him have the same amount of
rings. You remind us of a little lap dog nipping
at the heels of your daddy. Two douchebags and
microphone. I'm Mark here in the Kansas City
area at the Talk is Cheap studio. And I am Rob
at the beautiful nine -wall arm of Lake of the
Ozarks in the Doug Blind studio. All right. Should
we get to some emails, Rob? Yeah, let's do it.
All right. Hey, guys. I got in trouble for downloading
your podcast on my work server. I was still listening
in my car. Or at home. I'm just puzzled why the
job would give me shit. What I listen to in my
own office. I don't understand why they would
have a problem with it. Mark knows where I work.
Ronnie in Tulsa v. Tulsa King. Oh, damn, Ronnie.
Well, I think I know why, Ronnie. It's because
we have this thing here that says we have explicit
content. And I think the server flags that. is
what it is. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, that's true.
But whenever you have some explicit... Explicit
content at work doesn't always work. They don't
like people to have that on. It offends some
people. You know, stuff like that. So, Ronnie,
thank you. Just listen to us in your car or at
home or whatever. I'm sorry. Yeah, and he works
for a pretty big corporation in the energy field.
Yeah, I know he does. Well, I don't know who
you're talking about. Yeah, he's big. Yeah, I
can tell you the name, just not here, because
he doesn't want to rebuild here, and I understand.
That's his business, not ours. Yep, yeah. He
doesn't care if I tell you, I'm sure. It's just
we don't want to talk about it on here, because
he doesn't want us to. All right, Ronnie, thank
you. Appreciate it. Like always, you're the best.
You are the Tulsa King, and you are royalty here.
All right, I have an old 8 -track tape that I
transferred your latest show on the tape. Congratulations
on having your first 8 -track recording. Jeff
in New Orleans. Hey, I think it's pretty fucking
cool. Awesome. Yeah, we're on an 8 -track. I
want a copy. Yeah, Jeff, can you get us some
copies? I don't know how many 8 -tracks he has.
He said he had one old one. 8 -tracks would be
awesome. Jeff, if I could find you. Just one
show on each 8 -track. Write us back. That would
be awesome. Write us back, and if I could find
a couple of old 8 -tracks, could you throw the
show on there? Wouldn't that be great to have?
Just one episode. Yeah, just one episode. That's
cooler than hell, Jeff. Yes. Thank you. Thank
you. And how's New Orleans doing? in the Crescent
City. Oh, great. We will be down soon. We will
be down soon. Yes. Yep. New Orleans is a fantastic
place. Love it. Love the food. Love the atmosphere.
It is just such a unique area. They still have,
on some of the buildings, they still have Romeo
catchers. Do you know that? Yeah, yeah. In case
someone doesn't know, a Romeo catcher is bottles
or glass that's broken tied on a string. What
they would do is they would put it on the backside
of a building so when the man of the house was
out looking for food or whatever he had to do,
their belief was that if there was a suitor or
someone that your girl was messing around with,
They would have to go out the back, and they
would cut themselves on this broken glass, but
the broken glass had rising poison on it, and
it would kill them. They'd go in the backyard
and go, Wench, you've been cheating on me. Look
at this dead suitor. So that was their belief,
and a lot of those buildings still have them
on the backside. Do you know that? Isn't that
something? Really? Yeah, yeah. Yep, a lot of
pots and pans. I want to talk to you after we
get done about New Orleans. Sure. I want to talk
to you when we get done tonight. Let's go on.
I would almost consider myself an expert in it.
I want to tell you about the French market, too,
so remind me. I love the French market there.
Okay, I'm going to see Doak, or also known as
Little Ozzie. He's coming to the Dallas area.
Do you guys like him, Jenny and Fort Worth? I
actually just found out about him the other day.
I was telling him. I'll tell you what. Let me
Google him real quick. How do you spell it? D
-O -A -K or Little Ozzie. That's how she spelled
it, D -O -A -K. So I assume it's the right way
to spell it. But Davey said something about it.
Okay. D -O -A -K. D -O -A -K. All right. Does
he look like Ozzy? I'm pulling him up now. Oh,
my God, dude. Really? All right. Hang on. Let
me check. All right. Jenny, by the way, thank
you. He's a wrestler. He is? Uh -huh. It pulled
up his Facebook page. Oh, fuck yeah, dude. That
is cooler than shit. But, but, okay, you know
how you have your profile picture and you got
your background picture? Uh -huh. His background
picture is Big Little Brawlers, new Tuesday's
Discovery. It's like some midget wrestlers in
a ring. Very fucking cool. I see that. Do you
see here? He's going to be playing in Pennsylvania.
And it says, Little Ozzy Live. It says, You do
sound like me to be completely honest, Ozzy Osbourne.
The only Ozzy tribute act in the world with Ozzy's
personal blessing. Standing just four foot eight
inches tall, Little Ozzy embodies the Prince
of Darkness. He's been on America's Got Talent,
the History Channel, NBC. Discovery, Monsters
of Rock Cruise, and more. Oh, that would have
been cool to see my Monsters of Rock Cruise,
wouldn't it? Dude, dude, I'm looking at these
pictures of him. He is, he looks just like Ozzy.
Pretty good, yeah. He does. All right, cool,
wow. Check him out, everybody. Little big brawls.
I'm going to get back to my next story. All right,
okay. All right, next one. Rob, could I please
have your roadkill bread pudding recipe, please?
I need it for the coming holiday season. Thanks.
Mitch, Lake Freeman's fishing and tour guide
instructor. Your roadkill bread pudding, Rob?
I don't know that much about it. Go ahead. Okay,
well, here's the thing. I have it ripped down.
I don't have it ripped much. Okay, Mitch. I will
have it Sunday night. There you go, Mitch. Sunday
night you will get Rob's. Sunday night. I promise,
Mitch. No bullshit. There you go, Mitch. There
you go. And Clint has to take the first bite.
I have to go to my recipe thing and find it.
Yeah, he has a recipe binder. Every recipe is
there. Yes, I do. No, I do. Oh, you really do?
I have my mom's recipe card thing. Oh, okay.
All right. Yeah, I remember those. And it's in
there. It's in my closet. I just got to... I
don't have it right there. It's not memorized.
Okay? Okay. I've got a featured email, but I
got... I got one more email. Stop being an asshole.
That's cool. I've got one more email after this,
a featured email, but this one... Yes. This one
I found amusing. It says, I downloaded your douchebag
app, and it sucked. Tessa in Springfield. We
don't have a douchebag app. No, we don't. I don't
know what you downloaded, Tessa, but it wasn't
us. Yeah, we don't have an app. You've got to
get us on streaming services. Yeah, yeah, so
if that app sucked, if that is indeed the truth,
I don't know what to tell you. We've got nothing
to do with it. Yeah, so there, Tessa. Yeah, I'll
be there tomorrow. Yeah. So if you see the douchebag
mobile, ask Rob about the app that we don't have.
Right? Actually, I'm still waiting for my first
band to walk up to me. That's disappointing how
many listeners we have in that area. And I...
Gotcha. Gotcha. Give me your license and registration.
Can I have your autograph? Oh, no. I'm driving
around with two juice bags and a microphone across
the windshield, you know. Could get me pulled
over just for a cop to say, Hey, I know you.
I know you're so, you know. I don't like cops.
I mean, I like cops. Tell him to play it in the
jail. Yeah, play it in jail. Oh, Sunrise Beach.
Hell, I know the chief of police in Sunrise.
Tell him to play us in the jail. Yes. Yeah. Yeah,
have him play us in the jail. Jailbirds love
us. Love us. Yes! Yes! He would love it. He would
love it. I'm pretty sure last time I looked...
Oh, go ahead. Yeah, I gotta talk to him. I gotta
talk to Scott. Last time Rob and I checked, we
were number one among jails. Can't beat that
with a fucking iron bull. He was my son at my
house many a times when he was a Campton police
officer. Okay. He'd go to my place and get them
off the streets. All right. Let's get on to the
featured email here. Help. Yes. Okay. Help. I
am wanting to go on vacation badly, but I will
only have an opportunity to get 10 days off maybe
once every five years. I simply cannot leave
my business alone. That length of time. I have
one shot at vacation early next year. Mark, you
seem to be the travel expert, so I guess I'm
asking you. Yeah, pretty much. I am having trouble
deciding between the ABC Islands. Could you maybe
give me a rundown on all? I'm sure you spoke
about these islands many times. I have, but that's
cool. Thanks. I appreciate any tips you can give
me. Teresa in Wilmette. Wilmette is Chicago,
the north. North Shore. Yeah. Pretty exclusive
area. I have a rebuttal. I have a rebuttal, but
go ahead. Yeah. Nice area. So, okay. Bonaire
is the most primitive and would be the cheapest.
You go to Priceline or other VRBOs or whatever,
and you can see some pretty good deals in Bonaire.
But the thing about Bonaire is, if you're looking
for an all -inclusive, I think there's only two
on the whole island, and the rest are just like...
Like places that you can go to, you know, and
then you got to go, you know, find your own food
or whatever, you know, go eat somewhere or buy
some from a store or something and do it yourself.
And on that island, it's so primitive. There's
a lot of wild donkeys up in the mountains, many
goats and chickens. And it's desert mountains
and it's an amazing place. It's beautiful. And
the animals are kind of sad because they're all
really skinny because they literally have to
eat cactus. They have to eat a certain kind of
cactus that all the little thorns don't get in
their mouth. And they have to get water from
that, too. So they're pretty skinny looking.
And they look bad, but they're all alive and
they're okay. Aruba, the Marriott at Eagles Beach
is my suggestion if you want to go to Aruba.
They did offer inclusive, all -inclusive or not,
unless they change it. You could do either one.
There's a lot of places over near Eagles Beach,
and there's golf courses and stuff like that
that are on Aruba. Aruba is a pretty well -off
area too. Bonaire is not. There's not a whole
lot of money there yet. Aruba, there's quite
a bit of money there, and they have quite a few
places you can go to, all -inclusive places.
And Curacao... Aruba's great. The beach at Aruba,
the water color is perfect. It's vibrant. It's
beautiful. It's pretty safe, even though I know
that's where Natalie Holloway disappeared, but,
you know. But it's a pretty safe place. Curacao
has the most amazing water color for snorkeling
or scuba diving. The island is fairly wealthy
and is modern. They have a floating bridge and
the Queen Juliana Bridge. that is 185 feet tall
and is scenic with the mountainscape and the
harbors in the downtown areas. Curacao is probably
the most expensive, but Aruba is not that far
behind on expensive. I love all the islands and
wouldn't protest going to any island mentioned.
So here's what it is. Shit. Sorry. Teresa in
Ramat. Okay. And Teresa, here's what I'm trying
to say, I guess, in a nutshell. If you want a
primitive vacation that's cheaper, go to Bonaire.
You won't be bothered. I mean, it's pretty primitive.
I mean, they're building more stuff, and it's
going to be like the other two, but it's not
there yet. But if you want to be pampered, I
suggest Aruba or Curacao. But if you just want
amazing watercolor and really cool places and
a really cool downtown area and all that and
the floating bridge and the Queen Juliana Bridge
and all that, Curacao is the place to go. Love
them all. Out of all of them, I would say my
absolute favorite is Curacao and then probably
Aruba and then Bonaire. But, man, I could see
how anyone could love any of those places. So
I hope I did you some good, Teresa. So there
you go. So, all right, Rob, we turn it to you.
Okay, well, I'm answering Teresa now. Okay. My
suggestion is, if you live in Chicago... I don't
know if she's necessarily trying to keep it cheap.
Well, that's what I'm saying. Hey, I'm a cheap
person, dude. Yeah, okay. I'm just saying. She
didn't necessarily say she wanted to go on a
cruise, Mark. No, no, no, I know that. That's
why I was there. Okay. You don't have to go on
the ocean. You go in the mountains. That's what
I'm saying. Oh, no, no, no. No, that's cool.
I got it. I got it. That's cool. All right. Yeah,
I like that rebuttal. Thank you, Rob. That's
my plan. That's going to be my next getaway.
I don't know if I'll ever make it on cruise also.
You know what? I'd rather see the mountains.
I think you're more of a mountain guy anyhow.
Yeah, so. Anyhow, well, I think we probably did
her some good. I hope. So, all right, Rob, we
turn it to you. All right, well, I'm going to
go back to the Coldplay Kiss Cam because there
is an update. Oh, okay. This is on July. The
company said after Biden sat down that their
leaders were expected to set the standard and
invoke conduct and accountability and recently
that standard was not met. Okay, here we go.
Here's where it changes. Uh -huh. Uh -huh. That
makes it completely different then. Uh -huh.
I would agree. Okay, listen. Okay. He was on
a date at the same concert. Okay, I get it. If
he was already in another... Yeah, they've been
separated. He was at the same concert. Oh, yeah.
I get it now. Mm -hmm. Yeah. Okay, I mean...
I think you're probably right. But you know what?
Her husband was already there with another date.
They'd already been separated. So she got, in
my opinion, she got the raw end of the deal.
I think so. I agree. You know, okay, a lot of
this can be blamed on him because of his action
when they showed him on the camera. Nobody would
have thought anything if he didn't duck down
suddenly. Yeah, it might have been his push to
try to get in there. Yeah, of course. But the
thing is, if he wouldn't have acted so guilty,
it wouldn't have been a big deal at all. He'd
just been another guy holding a chick at the
Coldplay concert. Yeah, and that's because he
ducked down so quick when they showed him his
kind of like a, hey. I think I know what's going
on over there. So, yeah, I mean, he's got no
one to blame but himself, really. So, yeah, but
she got the raw end of the deal. I agree with
that. Yeah. All right. Well, we have a nipple
yank and all that good stuff. You want to take
our second break and then come back with it?
Yeah. Yeah. All righty. And then we have some
ass paddlings if we get to them. If not, you'll
get them on the next episode. So, all right.
No, no, I think we'll have time. Okay, we'll
have time. All right. Yeah, we'll have time.
Rob Rad, a man. It's still in there. Rob consumed
small doses of radiation for 30 years. 30 years.
Rob is immune to radiation. Watch him glow. Watch
Rob Rad jump up 25 feet and grab birds out of
thin air with his mouth. With his mouth. Rob
can now be invented for children's parties and
bar mitzvahs. That's right. Come on and rent
you a Rob today. That's right. Come by and rent
Rob for a day. A day. A day. Watch Rob consume
seven bottles a night and still break dance and
moonwalk. Watch Rob Red. Fart down a building.
Fart down a building. Rob Red. who assumes no
responsibility whatsoever. He is not a babysitter,
and he doesn't give one hell of a shit about
your children. Please remember to corral every
little bastard you have before Rob gets there,
and Walt will not put up with any backtalk. He
will promptly get them in the place. Rob Rehag
assumes no responsibility for anything that could
be stolen from his visit. Rob Rehag has no responsibility
whatsoever in any help him of any situation.
Read a Rob today. Have you ever wondered what
something is or not? Have you ever looked at
something and said, I wonder what the origin
of that is? Well, so have we. That's why we give
you The Origin of. The Origin of the Goatee.
The Goatee is a beard style that dates back to
ancient Greece and Rome and is named for its
resemblance to a goat's beard. The Goatee has
been worn by many famous men throughout history,
including Uncle Sam, Henry M. Hoyt, and Mr. Spock.
The gob ham was often depicted with a goatee,
and in medieval and renaissance art, Satan was
depicted with a goatee as well. The goatee became
popular again in the 1940s as a defining trait
of the beatniks and jazz musicians. It fell out
of favor again in the 1960s, but became fashionable
again in the 1990s and 2000s. The term goatee
originated in the late 20th century. It was originally
called a goatee. is this a new feature? What's
inside Mark's head? Sounds stupid to me. Why
do people say tuna fish sandwich when nobody
says chicken bird sandwich? Our constant pursuit
for a real knee slapper. It's strange insults
from an alien. Real hilarity. May, your five
-year -old neighbor have all their violin lessons
during all of your hangovers. You watch the news.
It looks grim. Is an apocalypse inevitable? We
suggest you download all our podcasts beforehand
and have multiple mobile chargers. We have a
post -apocalypse. Make sure and have plenty of
rope, strong, threaded, durable rope with a rating
of 400 pounds or greater. You need to know basic
knots, so you can go to the library and download
the Boy Scouts Handbook and have a reference
to slip knots and other essential rope tricks.
Rope can be used in traps to catch food or would
-be predators. Rope is a key ingredient in post
-apocalypse survival. Yes, it's true. Mark is
an old bastard. It's also true that Mark uses
a lot of ibuprofen. But Mark would like to tell
you, if you see any pictures of him roofing ibuprofen,
it's obviously fake, and you're to take the pictures
and tear them up immediately. A lot of podcasts
just come from a can. Here at Two Douchebags
and a Microphone, we pour our own podcasts. Hey
there, slap nuts. It's time for the Creeps Music
News. Hey, my little pumpkin seeds. This is Johnny
Rohypnol with your music news. Sepultura guitarist
Andreas Kaiser spoke about the band's plans to
release new music with Sepultura's current touring
drummer, 23 -year -old Grayson Neckerman, who
officially replaced Sepultura's longtime drummer,
Elroy Casagrande, in February 2024. He said,
as transcribed by blahblahbrow .no, we recorded
four new songs with Grayson on drums. I don't
think anybody knows that, but there you go. We
have four new songs, and we have the intention
next year to release them in an EP. This is Johnny
Rohypnol. That was your music news, and remember,
bar chords are bullshit. Strange, but true. In
2011, a 29 -year -old Australian man discovered
an ATM glitch enabling him to withdraw cash far
beyond his account balance. Over a span of five
months, he splurged $1 .6 million of the bank's
funds on lavish parties, private jets, international
vacations, and even covered his friend's university
fees. Now that's a friend. Hey, look. I think
we found land. Oh my God, I think we're safe.
Oh no! It's the island of horrible jokes. Elevator
music is horrible. On so many levels. Two douchebags,
a microphone, I'm Mark here in the Kansas City
area at the Talk is Cheap studio. And I am Rob
at the beautiful Niagara Arm of Lake of the Ozarks.
Or now, in the Dub Boy studio. All right. Well,
like I said previously, we have a nipple yank,
an ass cheek bite, and a nut flick. And this
is all playful, no mean -spirited nothing. This
is just because, you know, a little shock value,
a little ha -ha. That's all this is. We love
all the people we do this to, and it's friendly.
Do what? Just for us to get our jollies off.
Yeah, yeah, and that's what this life is about.
We want to get our jollies. And if you don't
know what jollies off means, Google it. Yes,
there you go. So, all right. So, Rob, go ahead
with yours first. Google everything. I don't
care what it is. Fucking Google it. Okay, my
nipple yet. And this was a tough one because
this is going to be a challenge. Uh -oh. Goes
to actor Steve Buscemi. Steve Buscemi, really?
Oh, my. Yes. That is going to be a challenge.
Okay. We have covered him enough. We know he
is a badass. Yes, we love him here. In real life.
He can whip your ass in real life. Yep. I want
to give him a nipple yank because I think I could
outrun him. Okay. You very well. How old is he
now? If not, you're going to be looking for a
new co -host. Let's see. I wonder how old he
is. Okay, he is 67. All right, you'll be able
to outrun him. And I'll be 57 in March. Yeah,
he got 10 on me. Okay. I think it'd be a good
race, honestly. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Boy,
he looks different nowadays. Oh, yeah. See, that's
what I'm thinking. See, he's got the Hollywood
life. I got the hard life. Yeah, yeah. Well,
I mean... I think I'm up for it. We'll see. I'm
not sure if he exactly looks terrific anymore
or anything like that, but okay, that's all right.
I don't care. He's cool. Love him. Okay, now
my ass cheek bite. Okay. Okay. Lizzie Hale. Oh,
that would be fun. Yeah. Yeah. Princess would
bite that ass. Yeah, you peel off those tight
leather pants. There you go. Yeah. Yeah, get
that sweet peach -colored meat on her ass. Right?
And finally... Yes? Yeah. Okay. Ooh. Okay. I
think that's a great idea. And I would bring
a shotgun with me, just in case. Those are interesting.
I loved every one of them, Rob. You got a lot
of thought in. I put a lot of thought into them.
You did, I can tell. My nipple yank goes to the
one and only George Foreman, Sr. I'm pretty sure
he would. Yeah, he's older. They're hanging out
there. Oh, yeah. It's easy grab. Yeah, and I
think I could probably outrun him, even with
the fake knee and everything. I think I could
still outrun him because he's probably in his
70s, well into his 70s. I'm pretty sure. So I
think I could probably run away from him, and
he couldn't catch me. So, therefore, I could
give him a nipple yank pretty easily, I would
think. George Foreman. Age. I'll tell you in
a second if I can outrun him or not. 76. Yes,
I can outrun him. Okay, George Corbin's definitely
getting the nipple yank. All right. Ass cheek
bite goes to Joe Elliott of Def Leppard. He does
have a nice little butt. Yeah, he'd be fun to
bite his ass, wouldn't he? Just see him go, hey,
hey, hey. hey, what's going on back there? Who
the fuck's nibbling? Hey, hey, get off there.
So, yep. And then finally, my nutflick goes to
Ryan Seacrest. He almost made it. I just love
to see his reaction. You walk up and go, hey,
Ryan, man, I love the work you done. Bam. It's
friendly, Ryan. I meant nothing by it, man. It's
a friendly nut flick. It wasn't a mean one. So
get back up off the ground. It's okay. Where
I find it kind of funny is we both picked celebrity
reality stars. Yeah, we did, didn't we? Something
about it. It's like they all deserve it. The
reality show. Yes. Yeah, I know. Joe Rogan, the
podcaster. How many shows does he come out with
a week? Two or three? I don't know. Oh, well,
it doesn't matter. All right. I've got some ass
paddlings or you got a story you want to go to
first? Yeah, and I'm working. Well, I'm not working
on it. Jeffy X is working on another list. He's
very sorry. He's been busy. Yeah, yeah. He's
been planning. He has a bar mitzvah planning
service that he does besides, you know, going
around and getting these focus panel results.
Yeah, he told me that. Yeah, yeah. He plans bar
mitzvahs for kids, and he's been very busy here
lately with bar mitzvahs planning them. So that's
where he's been. with his Sergeant Pepper's outfit
on still that's pitch black because he won't
take it off. So, okay. Ass paddling started out
like this. Topher and I were on a little mini
vacay in Florida. You know, we need a little
time off. So we went there and we're going to
do some podcasting and hang out at the beach.
So one morning we're walking down the beach and
the sun was coming up and the sunlight was glistening
off of our hair. And a nice cool breeze. Our
hair was blowing back and we're walking on the
beach just enjoying ourselves. When I stub my
toe on something and Topher looks down and goes,
that looks like a genie's bottle. I go, it is
not. And then I go, oh shit, dude. I walked over
there and picked it up. This is a genie's bottle.
He's like, yeah, no shit. I was like, okay. So
I pop it open. A genie comes out. He hated us.
He's very condescending. He couldn't stand us.
He thought we were rogues. He thought we was
morons, you know. So, you know, Topher and I
were like, yeah, yeah, we get two wishes or three
wishes. And he goes, nope, nope, nope, nope.
He goes, you guys watch way too much TV. One
wish. One wish only. Make it count. Cure cancer.
World peace. Environment. Do something good.
And Topher and I looked at each other and said,
we want to ass paddle people invisible. So the
genie, he rolled his eyes very reluctantly and
said, I have to because you guys set me free.
And he said, all right, once a month you can
turn invisible and ask paddle people that need
it. And Rob was granted special permission to
turn invisible and paddle people with us because
he's a douchebag too now. And Rob, I guess your
meeting with the genie didn't go so well. He
didn't like you either, did he? No. as far as
what he's getting there. Oh, is he starting to
like you now? Okay. Kind of, yeah. Well, he gave
me special permission for different categories.
Okay. Well, all right. I guess he does like you
somewhat then. He could have just said no. All
right. Well, the first person on the Ask Paddling
list is Travis Kelsey. Hey, man. What more is
there to say? I love the man. I love him, too,
but he ain't done shit. He needs an ass paddling.
Maybe this ass paddling will wake him up a little
bit. Hit him with Old Sparky. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, that's the other thing, too. Old Sparky is
a replica. Yeah, Old Sparky. This is a replica.
Old Sparky. Yeah, this is a replica of Old Sparky
that came from Cass Midway. Old Sparky was administered
to me many times. He had a very long stock. and
he had a very long paddle board on it with holes
in it for extra air so you could swing that even
further with a long stalk. It hurt, and it was
made out of hardwood, and it was very thick,
and it was administered enough to me to know
that I did not like it very well. Okay, and I
just came up with something I think we need to
add to this story. Oh, okay. Well, he was hanging
up in the trophy box at Cass Midway. This was
back when it was legal for teachers to beat our
ass. Yes. Yeah, they can't do it now. It is not
legal no more. See, we need to start adding that.
You're right. Younger people wouldn't understand.
It's like, what? Yeah. Right. They used to give
us these things called swats, and we'd basically
get hit on the ass with a big wooden paddle.
Yeah, yeah. I did it many times. I did it many
times, too. I'm like, yeah, just fucking paddle
me. I don't want to sit in that fucking... Yeah,
I got to be on that bus to get home. Yeah, yeah.
And another thing is, his mom and dad would know
that I did not make it home on time. Exactly.
Therefore, I was in trouble staying overtime
at work. No. Nope, that would not have went very
well. Well, the way Felton worked, if you got
the SWAT, it didn't get reported to your parents.
No, I know. I know, and I've done that so many
times, too. It is like that at Midway, too. The
principal will come out and go, Mr. Wallace,
yes. What are you going to pick, one or two?
Which one's one? Detention after school? What's
two? Swats? I'll take swats. Fuck. Two. Yep,
two. What time do you need me there to smash
my ass really hard with that thing? Oh, about
two. Oh, yeah. Yeah, we were out there in the
sticks. Oh, my God. That walk would have took
you three hours. Well, I did. I did walk it home
before. One time I didn't feel like getting paddled
or staying in detention, so I just bailed out
the back door and started walking down fields.
And the funny thing is, is when I hit Holmes
Road, it took a while on 2 Highway to get to
Holmes Road. When I hit Holmes Road, a buddy
of mine was driving by and gave me a ride home.
So I'm sitting there at the steps downtown there,
you know, very small downtown. Yeah, and whenever,
when the bus came by, They got to observe me
sitting there watching them. And our bus driver,
Patty, shaking her head going, man, that guy.
So anyhow, all right, so Travis Kelsey gets the
first one. The second one, the shooter at the
ICE headquarters in Texas, he shot immigrants
accidentally and then shot himself. We're going
to revive him and spank him four or five times.
Dumbass. I'm going to go make a statement. He
kills immigrants and then he kills himself. What
a dumbass. All right. Well, so, all right. The
national sports media and their bias East Coast
slant. Getting tired of it again. You know, fucking
Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson walk on water and
Patrick Mahomes. Well, they like Burrow quite
a bit, too, but he's closer to the East Coast
than we are, so there you go. Well, if we got
a receiver, we'd be all right. Yes. Well, Worthy's
coming back this game, and then Thornton is coming
on strong, and then we have Hollywood Brown,
and then we have Kelsey. See, that's the one
we've got to cut. Hopefully Jalen Royals, the
rookie Jalen Royals, is supposedly, he made the
squad, and they said he looks really good, so
he might be coming on too, so we'll see. We've
got to get that running game fired up. He did
look good. He did look good, so we will see.
The next Ask Padling goes to Disney for not permanently
firing Jimmy Kimmel. Exactly. Yeah, I mean, and
I think they get the Hall of Fame for that. What
do you think? There you go, Disney. You're getting
the Hall of Fame. It's not just... Yeah, well,
he wasn't just Disney. He was on ABC. Well, Disney
owns ABC. So people say... Yeah, okay. Sorry.
Okay. Everyone calls it Disney. I agree with
it. Disney's the home company. That's why they
call it Disney. So, okay. Yep. All right. Anyone
who thinks it's okay to kill someone with different
beliefs? Yep. Yeah. I agree. Yeah, 100%. And
bad things should be done to them before they
get their ass paddled. Well, that depends. That
depends. I think even my boss, who's a big...
Because you have the mentally challenged ones.
Yeah, that's true. That's true. Yeah. Yeah. I
think even my boss, who's a huge L .A. Rams fan,
would agree with this. The L .A. Rams get an
ass -paddling for getting their winning field
goal blocked against the Eagles on the last play
of the game and ran in for a touchdown. Yeah,
me too. Yep. The idiot ex -drummer for Green
Jello that put up the one -day sober meme of
Ozzy. And yeah, he got fired, but he still needs
an ass paddling, doesn't he? Honestly, I did
not see that one. I will take your word for it.
We talked about it. He put up a tweet the day
after Ozzy passed away, and it had a picture
of Ozzy, and he said, congratulations, one day
sober. Okay, okay, okay. Yeah, that did. I did
not recognize the band name. I did not recognize
that. Yeah, you're right. I remember that score
now. Hall of Fame. General Hall of Fame. And
I'd love to just get that guy and fucking punch
him right in the face as hard as I can and watch
him collapse to the ground bleeding. That would
make me feel great. Yeah, he's in our hall of
fame. Pull him out. Yeah, he's a piece of shit.
Okay. Otis, our pug, for asking up our phones
constantly. Sound fair? Yes. He asks us up our
phones, he gets a paddling. Alright. And... Mitch,
we're going to pull him out of the Hall of Fame
and paddle him a couple more times. Is that okay?
He's going to love it. He's going to enjoy it.
Mitch, you're getting three ass paddlings. We're
going to pull you out of the Hall of Fame and
paddle you out. Yeah, three of them. Sorry, Mitch.
I did not know this was going on. I just decided
this myself. I just wrote this in myself. And
then finally, the new guy for being a complete
dick, he gets an ass paddling. He hates us. Oh,
damn! Yeah. Well, explain Mitch's first. Okay,
Mitch gets an ass paddling just because he's
Mitch. He's always constantly... He fucking hates
me. He loves Rob, but he mouths off to Rob, too.
So this is more me because he's always been after
me, fucking, you know, not liking me, telling
me he not likes me, you know, letting me know
he doesn't like me. constantly, you know, saying
shit. Mitch gets, he gets pulled out of the Hall
of Fame. He's already in the Hall of Fame. I'm
doing this myself. Rob has nothing to do with
it. Mitch, I'm paddling you three fucking different
times and you're getting pulled out of the Hall
of Fame to have this done. And then you're getting
put back in the Hall of Fame for me to do it
later. So, and then the new guy... Okay, okay.
I will give the Hall of Fame later. Okay. I'm
going to paddle him when you're not fucking looking,
Rob. There you go. Yeah, if I'm at work, go for
it. I have access to the Hall of Fame. I'll sneak
in there while he's sleeping one night and paddle
his ass. I just want to say I have not lost faith
in my buddy Mitch. I have. Fuck him. Well, he's
big coming back. I can't wait to paddle your
ass, Mitch. He stood up on me, but now he understands.
I'm actually... I'm actually going to take Clint
and shove him up Mitch's ass. He says I haven't
already done one. You probably have. So, all
right, that's all of the ass paddlings for this
time. Anyhow, Rob, you got something? It is 918.
I will let you know right now. I don't know what
your time constraints are because you're the
one... Okay, well... Okay. Because he's just
stupid. That's always a good reason. Yeah. A
gunman blasted shots at a gate of an Area 51
air base in Nevada, cops said. Wow. Yes, I do.
I don't know why they got to kill people, but
anyway. Another side. The Air Force Security
Forces and Las Vegas Metro Police reported the
incident. You know what? That's a good fucking
point. That's a really good point. That's why
I mentioned this guy. Because why is Las Vegas
Metro Police in on this when they're 85 miles
away? Yeah. Mm -hmm. No, that's... Just saying.
Good point. And Area 51 has no fly restriction
and all that, you know? Yeah, you're right. I
don't know. That's a good point, Rob. I don't
know. Okay, thank you. It is 9 .23. Do you want
me to go on with another story, or do you want
to cut this? Well, you do one more story, and
let's be done. Okay. All right. I've got one
right here. Susie Welch is a business author
and New York University Stern professor. who
has written extensively about Generation Z and
the current economic climate. Arguing that young
people are less motivated to work hard because
the promise of hard work leading to a better
life has crumbled, leading to a phenomenon she
calls the Gen Z stare, or burnout. She explains
that while other older generations believed in
the American dream of working hard for rewards,
Gen Z sees a landscape of diminishing returns,
making them skeptical, of the payoff of intense
effort because these realities gen z has different
values and expectations such as desire for authentic
work making a difference and a greater focus
on mental health and financial security than
previous generations according to the world economic
times um rob you and i remember being no hope
Yeah. Bucking hay, it's 110 degree heat. Three
fields done, four more to go. It's 2 p .m. You're
going to be working until at least dark, if not
longer. There's one jug of warm water and not
even hot water with only two sips left. Right.
Yeah. So it's either hot or very warm water.
There's two sips left and it's 110 degrees. There's
no water in sight. There's four more fields to
do. Yeah, to me, that's helpless. So, I don't
know. So, all right, that's pretty much all I
had, too. So, all right, everybody, thank you
for listening. Hi, Grandma Opal. Hi, Jimmy. Hi,
Ricky. Hi, Albuquerque. Hi, Hicksville. Who else?
Let me see. Who was the one lady from Ohio that
hated me so much? Something Ann. Ruth Ann? Rose
Ann. Yeah, Ruth Ann. Hi, Ruth Ann. Oh, God, yeah.
I hope Ruth Ann's still listening. I hope so,
too. Hi, Ruth Ann. We miss you. I want you to
write in and mouth off. You're disappointing
us. You called me when I was first starting.
I'm three years in now. Oh, she was balling.
She was balling hard on us when you first started.
Yeah, she loved me, hated you. I bet she still
listens. Well, that's because you hated on the
Bengals. Yep, yep. And now her little Joey Burrows
out for quite a while again. They just got fucking
hammered 44 to like six. That's probably why
she ain't listening. Oh, that probably is. Okay.
Sorry, Ruthann. Come back. I'll quit bogging
you down. No, I won't. Fuck you. Forget Mark,
Ruthann. Please, let me know you're still listening.
Yeah, leave me out of it, you dumb bitch. Me.
Me. Shut up, Mark. Oh, sorry. All right, everybody.
Thank you for listening. Good night, assholes.
Oh, no. Looks like the show's over, kids. Mark
has explosive diarrhea and can't afford a wireless
mic. Fear not, assholes. They'll be back invading
your ear holes soon.