Welcome, snot rags. It's time for the Daily Douchebag
Pledge. Say it with me and make everyone near
you say it too. I, Joe or Jane Listener, hereby
promise to listen to every show. I, Joe or Jane
Listener, hereby promise to download all the
shows. I, Joe or Jane Listener, hereby promise
to go to public computers, friends' computers,
Androids, iPhones, and business computers, and
all in between, and download the show from there.
I, Joe or Jane Listener, will make all my friends
and family members listen. And finally, I, Joe
or Jane Listener, hereby promise to lie to everyone
about how good the show is. And don't forget
about the selfie you're going to take in front
of the Knoblick, Missouri sign. There you go,
shitbags. That wasn't so bad now, was it? Here
at Two Douchebags and a Microphone, we don't
stand behind our journalistic integrity. Go ahead
and assume we got the story wrong. At least we
admit it. Not like all those other guys, we can
and will lie if it makes the story better. Two
douchebags and a microphone. Yes, it's true.
Mark is an old bastard. It's also true that Mark
uses a lot of ibuprofen. But Mark would like
to tell you, if you see any pictures of him roofing
ibuprofen, it's obviously fake, and you're to
take the pictures and tear them up immediately.
Oh Lord, that man just sawed a puppy in half.
Hey there, don't worry. I have a clown nose.
Oh no! That drunk guy just hit my child. It's
okay. I have a clown nose. Clown doses are sold
at gag stores online and pedophile conventions.
Grab one today and make magic happen. And now
we look in on the adventures of the technical
explanation guy. Why, excuse me, my dear chap.
Could you please pass the sodium chloride? Do
you mean the salt? Why, yes. Yes, I do. Then
just say the salt, you dumb motherfucker. This
is Joshua Belmont, your food for thought man
on The Hustle. So I just realized a genius that
gets absolutely no credit. His name is Marshall
Taylor. He is credited with the first bag of
salad mix that was bagged and sold. Yesterday
was his birthday. I believe he is still alive.
This guy's genius will never be fully appreciated.
Before this man, we settled for iceberg lettuce
with maybe a couple of croutons and some cheese.
Was Mr. Taylor satisfied with that? Hell no.
He realized that Billy Americana would never
go out and buy a couple of radishes, a couple
of carrots, a head of purple cabbage, maybe snow
peas, and possibly some cute romaine bladders
for extra bougie. Mr. Taylor, you should have
a national holiday. Sir, I see your qualifications
here. May I ask some further questions that could
help me determine your employment eligibility?
Yes, sir. I'm ready. Well, as you can see here,
we have a large population of different ethnic
backgrounds, sexuality, and ages. Are you by
chance bilingual? Well, sir, I'm not sure why
you need that kind of information, but well,
it was only one time in summer camp. I considered
it experimental. Miss Gulkenstein was tired of
Mark and Toe for making sport of her. Little
did the douchebags know Ms. Guffenstein was a
voodoo high priestess when she was younger. She
grew angry and cast a spell on Rob, changing
Rob into a capuchin monkey. Mark took Rob to
a local zoo so he could be with the other monkeys.
Here are the adventures of Rob, the capuchin
monkey. Shh, be very quiet. We're going to listen
in as Rob the Capuchin Monkey tries to sell the
rest of the Capuchin Monkey's Amway. Rob has
always dreamed of becoming a Diamond Status Amway
as a Capuchin Monkey. Little did our hero Rob
know. All the great apes owned stock in Sam's
Club and became violently pissed off when he
tried to infringe on their territory. They promptly
grabbed switches and beat his ass for three days
straight. Rob could not sit down. Two douchebags
and microphone. I'm Mark here in the Kansas City
area at the Talk is Cheap studio. And I am Rob
at the beautiful triangle arm of Lake of the
Ozarks. Four down. At the Duck Blind studio.
Duck Blind studio, yeah. All right, cool. Very
cool. I want to add that new part. See, I'm throwing
myself off. Ah, yep, yep. I'm going to add the...
Oh, well, you know what? It worked. It worked.
Yeah, it worked. Yep. You want to hear old, Rob?
Yes. No, not really. I feel old. Okay, me too.
I pulled a muscle in my back opening up an orange
juice bottle. Okay, now you're being old. Okay,
okay. Sorry. No, no, no, that's okay. That's
okay. Just thought I'd say it. Yeah, yep. Yeah,
fuck, yeah, yeah, it still hurts a little bit.
This is a few days ago. I couldn't believe it
either. I'm sitting there going, I'm going to
get this fucking thing open. I don't care. I'm
not going to mash against anything. I can do
it myself. Well, I did do it myself, and I still
fucking hurt. So, anyhow. You know our pug, Otis,
he asses up our phones constantly. He has a knack
for finding your phone on the couch and sitting
his mud button right on it, dude. Yeah, he does
it. He does it to Val. He does it to me all the
time. You never leave your phone on the couch.
And, of course, we always do. You know, run off
real quick, got to grab something or whatever.
And there your phone's sitting there. You come
back, he's sitting right on the motherfucker,
his fucking mud button, right there on your phone
where you speak. So he asses up our phone constantly.
And the thing is, neither one of us have enough
discipline to go, wait a minute, where's my phone?
We always forget. Then we come back and, you
know, there he is sitting on the couch. Where's
the phone? Oh, I know where it is. It's underneath
his asshole. So, anyhow. All right. Kansas City
is voting to allow pot lounges, which I'm all
for. And this is like, you know, like a cigar
lounge, right? Yeah. Okay. You go in. and you
start smoking whatever. You buy it from there,
and they have big recliners probably and big
screens like they do at a cigar bar. And you
go in there, and you start toking, bullshitting
with people, whatever, watching TV. They might
have video games. Who knows? All kinds of stuff
probably. So Kansas City, it looks like they're
really going to do it. I hope they do. If I was
an Uber driver, though, I would hang cards out
in front of that pot lounge with a menu printed
on it, like maybe have some Doritos in your car.
Yeah, yeah. There's White Castle. Yes, White
Castle, Cheetos, Flaming Hot, and Reggae. You
don't have White Castle, Casey. We'll get the
frozen ones. We'll get the frozen ones and lie
to them. Yeah. Yeah. We'll go, yeah, yeah, we
got a guy running to Columbia constantly getting
White Castles back here. This just got off of
his car. They're right here. Brand new. My words
on that, I agree. Why not? You have bars for
alcohol. Yes. I think it makes perfectly good
sense. And pot is legal in Missouri now. I agree.
Why not? Yeah, and also, it's an avenue for more
small businesses to come aboard. You know, someone's
like, you know, I got this vision. And it's your
choice whether you want to go or not. Yes. Yeah.
Yeah. Yep. No, I agree. So, you know, if I was
out in front at an Uber driver, I'd hand cards
out, say, look, you know, and with my menu on
it, like, I got Doritos, Cool Ranch, Taco, and...
and probably nacho cheese, Cheetos Flamin' Hot
and regular, Ho -Ho's, White Castle's, Little
Debbie's. Oh, you know what? Hang on, Rob. Let's
have the new guy explain stoner food to everybody.
That sound good? Hey, sounds awesome. All right,
we'll hand it over to the new guy. Here you go,
new guy. Hello. This is a new guy, and I've been
instructed to explain stoner food to you all,
so let me get right to it. Some of the most popular
and classic stoner foods include pizza, nachos,
chips and snack mixes, savory, crunchy, and often
cheesy. These are perfect for mindless snacking.
Popular choices include Doritos, Cheetos, and
bunions. Mac and cheese is a classic comfort
food that's gooey, salty, and satisfying. Grilled
cheese sandwiches, this gooey melted cheese classic
is easy to make and comforting to eat. Ice cream
provides an intense flavor burst. with many flavors
designed to please. Baked goods include cookies,
brownies, pop tarts, and even raw cookie dough.
Cereal. Sugary cereal can be the perfect combination
of sweet and crunchy for a stoner. Roman noodles,
this cheap and easy meal, can be upgraded with
ingredients like eggs or hot sauce to make it
more savory. Many fast food chains like Taco
Bell and McDonald's become icons of stoner culture
due to their affordability, convenience, and
satisfying flavors. The appeal of stoner food
often comes down to these key characteristics.
Intense flavors. Cannabis can amplify the senses,
making sweet, salty, and spicy flavors more intense
and enjoyable. Contrasting textures. Food that
offers a variety of textures like crunchy chips,
gooey cheese, or chewy candy can be especially
satisfying. Classic snacks and comfort foods
often have a nostalgic feel that enhances the
experience. Impaired judgment can lead to surprisingly
creative, and sometimes strange food combinations
that could be incredibly fun to try. Examples
include adding potato chips to a sandwich or
mixing different candies. There you go, you fuckwads.
I hope you're happy. Alright, thank you, new
guy, even though you don't sound like you like
to explain stuff, but we appreciate you doing
it, don't we, Rob? Yeah, yeah, we gotta appreciate
it. I'm still debating whether we got paid that
much, you know. Well, right now, right now, All
I did was like, I don't know, I gave him a couple
of apples and a couple of pennies, and he was
good with that. Oh, fuck, he hit me up for 50
bucks. He hit you up? Oh, no wonder he only wanted
apples from me. You already paid him. Yeah, he
hit me up for 50 bucks. No wonder. I didn't think
new guy looked that smart. I guess so. Oh, shit.
He's looking at me now. All right, he double
dipped. He got you, and then he got me. That's
it. Yeah. Well, you know. Okay, well, he got
us. There is this zoo in Kentucky that the monkeys
like to drink hard alcohol, if available. Don't
ask me how this was figured out. But I go back.
Yes. The monkey, it's in Kentucky. Yeah, they
like to drink hard alcohol if available. And
like I said, I don't know how they figured this
out. Someone had to have come up there with a
drink, and either a monkey took it away from
them, or they're like, hey, monkey, you want
to try some? I mean, I don't know how else you
would figure out that a monkey likes a good stiff
drink. So here's one of the things that they
figured out, though. It now appears that monkeys
get wasted regularly off the fermented fruits
that they eat. Oh. Yeah, that makes sense, right?
Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, so that's probably
part of how they figured it out. And then the
other part, I don't know if I want to know. So
the alcohol content in the fermented fruit...
That part is probably illegal. Yeah, that's what
I'm thinking too. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I don't want
to know the rest. All I know is they like...
We're going to leave it right there. Yeah, we're
going to leave that sitting right there and go
back. So, you know, the phrase one drunk monkey
might have come from something like that, right?
You ever hear that? There's one drunk monkey.
Yeah, maybe someone saw a monkey get smashed,
you know. Well, there's more to this study. I'll
go on. They studied the animals and watched them
get intoxicated, and only later in the afternoon
would they touch the fermented fruit. So no Bloody
Marys or sangrias, Rob, for the monkeys. So it
was the fruit. Yes. Yeah, and they wouldn't touch
it. They knew it had alcohol in it, and they
would save it for later on in the evening, kind
of like people would. Yeah. Only we're not that
smart. We like sangria. It's a nightcap. Yeah,
it's a nightcap. Yeah, so they wait. They know
which ones have the alcohol in them, and they
wait until the evening to devour them and get
smashed. Damn, we did come for monkeys. Yeah,
that's true. You know, this is interesting. They
only eat the fruit with alcohol later in the
day. It's kind of like humans, you know, just
like it. The cool thing is they never get to
you guys swinging from the tree smashed, you
know. The more I hear this story, the more I
love it. Me too. Wouldn't that be great? Like,
just leave bottles of alcohol out and just watch
monkeys get smashed. As hairy as I am, we've
got to come from monkeys. Oh, man. Something.
Oh, yeah, yeah. You got one of those coming up,
but we'll get into that. Yeah, I do. Yeah, we'll
get into that. So, all right. Well, Doritos,
we spoke about them earlier. They have finally
succumbed to all the chatter. Anyhow, where the
hell is it? They are releasing pizza -flavored
Doritos, and they will be called Stranger Things
Pizza Doritos, of course, in tandem with the
promotion from the... show Stranger Things that
has aired on Netflix. Doritos are not happy with
just that, though. They also have a Savory Ranch
mashup in the works as well. So there you go,
a couple of new Dorito flavors. You can't go
wrong with that, right? Oh, definitely. Well,
yeah, you can. Well, yeah, you know what? Doritos
usually does a pretty good job on their flavors,
though, so I'm going to give them the benefit
of the doubt. Yeah, they do. Yeah. So... Then,
Chobani, you know the yogurt guys, and now they're
coffee creamer guys as well? Yeah, Chobani, yeah.
They claim to have the holy grail of coffee creamers.
It's cookie butter creamer. I don't know about
you, Rob, but that did nothing for me. Cookie
butter creamer. I don't think that's the holy
grail of coffee creamers, do you? That could
be. It'd be a little thicker, I would say. Yes.
Just right off hand. Just out of my brain. You
know what? Maybe that's it. Maybe it's really
thick and it's robust. A little thicker than
a normal creamer. That could be. Thicker than
milk. Yeah, because if you get Duncan's Creamer,
Duncan's Creamer is really, really thick and
it has a hard time coming out of the jar. So,
or the bottle, you know, the plastic bottle because
it's so thick. So maybe, you know, maybe that's
it. It could be a new thing. Could be. We'll
keep an eye on that. We will. We will. So, have
you ever heard of the triangle trick? No. The
triangle method is all about your eyes and the
other person's eyes and mouth. You're first supposed
to look at one of the eyes of that person, then
you quickly shift to looking at that person's
mouth, followed by glancing at the other eye,
the three body parts from the so -called golden
triangle. Okay, this is supposed to be how you
know if someone's attracted to you. Do you believe
anything like that at all? No. Okay, well, okay,
let's go over this again. It's all about your
eyes and the other person's eyes and mouth. You're
first supposed to look at one of the eyes of
that person. Then you quickly shift to looking
at that person's mouth, followed by glancing
at their other eye. I don't get it. I glance
at people's faces all the time I examine them
whenever I'm talking to them. You know? And I
don't get what you're talking about. Yeah, that's
kind of what I was saying. Yeah, you're on board
with me. You got what I'm, yeah. Okay. Yeah,
yeah. And also, if a chick did this to me and
I noticed, I'm headed to the mirror to see what
the fuck I have in my beard. You know, a piece
of bread. A piece of celery, a stalk of celery,
something. I'm not thinking, hey, wow. I mean,
you know, I'm married and everything, too. Not
that I, you know, give a shit. Yeah, like, I
really got to worry about that these days myself.
Yeah, no, I know. And so, but if that happened
to me, I wouldn't be thinking, hey, still got
it. I'd be thinking, what the fuck is in my beard?
I need to get to a mirror. I got something in
there. That's why she's looking. So, anyhow.
Okay, I had an email that I lost, Rob. I'm not
sure how, but it's asking about the green flash
when the sun sets. I could only capture that
on a phone in Key West on a sunset cruise. You
know, I'm sure there's other places as well that
you can capture the green dot, but I could only
get the green dot. And what a green dot is, is,
you know what? Hang on. Let's have the new guy
do an experiment. an official explanation on
the green dot. What do you think? Why not? Because
I have no idea what it is. You paid him 50 bucks,
Rob. So, I mean, we might as well have him...
Yeah, he owes me. He owes me. You know, he's
rolling his eyes. Let's definitely take it to
him. All right, new guy. What the fuck is a green
flash? Hello. This is the new guy again. These
two guys want me to explain something about a
green flash or some shit, so here we go. A green
flash at sunset is a momentary bright green spot
that appears just as the sun disappears below
the horizon, caused by an atmosphere acting like
a prison to separate sunlight into its colors.
To see it, you need a perfectly clear and flat
horizon, such as over the ocean, and clean, particle
-free air to minimize the light. The flash is
fleeting, lasting only a few seconds, and is
often added by temporary retinal bleaching that
can make the yellow light of the setting of the
sun appear green. All right, new guy, thank you
very much. Even though you're surly and you hate
us, thank you for explaining that. He just stormed
off. We made him do two in a row. He's not happy.
Thank you, asshole. I mean, yeah, whatever his
name is. New guy, the guy that ripped you off.
New guy, yeah. Well, I just got my money's worth
there. Yeah, there you go. That's two in one
show. I got my money's worth. A New Zealand mom
broke a world record for running across a track
made of Legos. And she accomplished the impressive
feat with her bare feet, Rob. I gotta hear how
far it was. You can watch it online. It's a world
record. But gosh, can you imagine running across
Legos in your bare foot? So you don't have the
length. You can look it up. I have the link here,
but I have no way to send it to anybody. I'm
in the middle of this right here, and I can't
get to what I need to send it to you. No, what
I'm saying is your report did not have the actual
links you ran. No, no, no. I had to go find it.
Okay. Okay, sounds good. Gabrielle Wall earned
the Guinness Book of World Records for the fastest
100 -meter barefoot on Lego bricks back in January.
But she went viral this week, racking up 9 .3
million views after Guinness World Records posted
the effort on Instagram. Okay, it's on Instagram.
No secret coaching, just years of midnight...
It'll be on YouTube also. Just years of midnight
bathroom trips dodging Lego landmines left by
her kids. Wall, a mother of two, ran the 100
meters in 24 .75 seconds and explained it was
one of the items on the bucket list she wrote
after she suffered a health scare in 2022. So,
do you see what I'm saying? She had a health...
Okay, go back up. You read the numbers. How many
meters? Okay, it's 100 meters in 24, almost,
a little under 25 seconds. Okay, 100 meters?
100 meters. It is. I don't even have to calculate
that. Oh, my God. That would hurt like crazy.
Wow, 100 meters. Yeah, just thinking about it.
Oh, I know. She had a health scare. It's like
a football field, almost. I know. 100 meters
is pretty much a football field. Geez. Yeah,
a meter is almost a yard. Yeah, it's almost a
football field. Wow. Wow. Okay. That woman has
some tough feet. I guess so. Geez. I hate to
ruin your story. I just want to see how far she
actually ran. No, no. I'm with you, Rob. I'm
with you. That's impressive. How fast did you
say she did it? In 24. A little bit under 25
seconds. Just right under 25 seconds. 100 meters
of Legos. That's faster than Chelsea. A lot of
things are faster. A lot of things are faster
than him right now. A lot of NFL players, honestly.
Anyhow, a track wall sprinted through. Okay,
a track wall sprinted through was constructed
from a staggering 661 pounds of Legos. 661 pounds
of Legos. Can you believe that shit? Jeez, that's
a lot of Legos. Which are donated by Imagination
Station, a New Zealand charity that offers classes
centered around the popular toys. Which, uh...
Which were donated, let's see, which were invented
by a carpenter in Denmark in 1932 and are now
made in factories around the world. Guinness
World Records also posted about Wahl's honor
this week on its Facebook page, where someone
commented she's literally the most psychotic
person on earth. I think I would have to, yes,
yes. You know what? Did she finish it? Yeah.
Yeah, she did. How psychotic is she? She finished
it. No, I know. No, I thought it was funny, but
I don't agree with it. Oh, yeah, yeah. You know
what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Hey, I give that
woman praises. I do, too. I do, too. So... Oh,
that sounds like hell to me. So, anyhow, I could...
She's on a pedestal. Yep. All right. I could
go on, but let's go ahead and go to you, Rob.
You got some stuff? All right. Yeah, yeah, I
got one here. Okay. And this is one Brent has
turned me on to. Okay. And this is a Bigfoot
story. Okay. The creature was snapped rummaging
around in a Mississippi swamp. The property is
owned by a man named Josh Highcliffe, who was
hunting hogs on October 24, 2013, when he came
across a legendary animal. I've always heard
stories of Skunk Ape and Honey Island Swamp Monster
from these parts, but never thought about it
being real ever, Highcliffe explained. He describes
the encounter on his videos page, revealing he
was in the swamp around 6pm, not too far from
the road, dressed in camouflage. He was sitting
still. for the sun to go down. I'll go into that.
Digging out a stump, I will go into. Okay. Even
though he was a hunter, Eichel's worst instinct
was to run instead of shoot the beast. He explained
that time appeared a slowdown, but he had the
forethought to start filming the encounter on
his iPhone because he didn't... I guess I pushed
the record button twice because it stopped blinking
red, but I pushed it again, he explained. When
a truck on the nearby road passed by, the thing
stood up, which prompted Highcliffe to run. He
believes it may have been seven feet tall based
on the size of the stump and his experience.
to his hunting skills. Convinced it was not a
bear, Highcliffe wondered if the whole thing
was a prank and pondered. Has anyone seen anything
like this in Mississippi? He also expressed grief
that he didn't stay longer to capture more of
the creature on film. Okay. Okay. What this creature
is doing, it's crouched down. Mm -hmm. And it's
in the swamp, and there is a hollowed out hole
in the bottom of this tree stump. Uh -huh. Well,
it's a whole tree still, but it's in the base
of this tree. And this thing... If you get a
chance, look it up. Yeah, please. Please look
it up. Because this is the best footage I've
ever seen. Same here. It's ripping up chunks.
You know how there's holes in the base of trees?
Uh -huh. Well, this hole is like four or five
foot tall, and it's crouched down, yanking chunks
off the sides, making the doorway bigger. Wow.
I'll tell you, this is the best footage I have
ever seen. If you want to see Bigfoot, watch
this. Sounds cool. That's out of Tunica, Mississippi.
Cool. Also known as Las Vegas of the South. Yes.
All right. Let's take our first break and come
back with some emails. Sound good? Sounds great.
That's what we're going to do. So you want proof
that we love you here at Q -Douche Bates and
Microphone Central? Here's a proof right here.
How about the drink of the week? Hey, my party
pilgrims. How about Norwegian's famous pineapple
coconut mojito? One and a quarter ounce Bacardi
coconut rum, one ounce pineapple puree, three
pieces of lime wedges, six pieces of mint leaves,
and one half ounce of simple syrup. You garnish
ginger candy on a pick, orange wilt, and a mint
sprig. Take a 12 -ounce glass, shake all ingredients
together, and strain over fresh ice and top with
soda. How about a splash of 7 -Up Sprite or ginger
ale just for a little extra pizzazz? Two douchebags,
a microphone, and an effort to keep everything
fresh. We offer you First World Problems. I can't
believe the coffee grinder is broke at the big
box store. There's no way I can be expected to
grind my coffee beans every damn morning. Oh
man, what the fuck is this? Is this a new feature?
What's inside Mark's head? Sounds stupid to me.
Hmm. Is Alanis Morissette still pissed off? Hmm.
Harambe used to listen to our original show,
Two Dipshits and Cheek Radio Shack Realistic
Tape Recorder. Harambe does not listen to our
original show, Two Dipshits and Cheek Radio Shack
Realistic Tape Recorder anymore. You might ask
why Harambe never listens to our original show,
Two Dipshits and Cheek Radio Shack Realistic
Tape Recorder. Well, it's because Harambe is
dead. Senselessly murdered because some idiot
did not watch her child properly while looking
on her phone. Sadly, Arambe does not listen to
our original show, Two Gibshits and the Cheap
Radio Shedack Realistic Dig Recorder, or any
other show. Anymore. Sorry, Arambe. Hey, my fellow
heavy breeders, this is Dash Riptide, your music
news. Hey, this is Dash Riptide here. I thought
I'd let you all know, all you music fans, that
I pre -ordered the Aussie book, brand new, coming
out October 7th. It's called Last Rites. I think
it's going to be phenomenal from what I read,
and you should get it too if you're a fan. This
is Gash Rooktyne, and that was your music news.
If it's too loud, you probably have ear damage,
just like me. Sometimes Mark appears to be in
deep thoughts. Usually he is contemplating whether
to squeeze it too out or save it up for a better
place. But I digress. Sometimes, he does occasionally
have a deep thought. Now we look in on his brilliance.
What if I learned telepathy, and then I tried
to talk to random people? How would I know if
they're ignoring me? I guess some questions are
greater than mankind. The term midget originated
in the 19th century derived from midge, a small
insect, plus suffix et. There you have Midge
It. Initially, it referred to a small proportionate
person, sometimes used in entertainment world.
However, in association with freak shows and
public displays of people with dwarfism, led
to term becoming widely considered derogatory
and offensive. Today, organizations like Little
People of America advocate the words removal
from common usage with little person or person
with dwarfism being preferred. Like we give a
shit. Strange, but true. There are deep -sea
fish with transparent heads and visible brains.
The barrel -eye fish looks like something from
an alien autopsy. Its head is literally see -through,
and you can watch its eyes swivel inside like
little green orbs of doom. Two douchebags and
microphone on Mark here in the Kansas City area
at the Talk is Cheap studio. And I am Rob, the
beautiful nine -year -old arm of Lake of the
Ozarks in the Duck Blind studio. Quack, quack.
Four now. Four now. All right, Rob, I have some
emails here. You ready for them? Yes, I am. All
right. If you guys were Beavis and Butthead,
which douche would be Beavis and which would
be Butthead? Travis in Colorado. I always loved
the name Butthead. Do you care if I'd be Butthead?
I'd be the dumber one. See, I figured I'd be
Butthead. Oh, shit. Hey, wait a second. Beavis
is a little... Yeah, you know what? Yes. So,
okay. I guess I would be butthead then, right?
Honestly, these days, I'm not far behind you,
dude. Honestly. Okay. Well, lifting that steel
will put muscles in your shit, dude. You know
this, though. See, you're more the leader. That's
where Beavis would be. Okay. Beavis is more the
leader. You know what? That would be you. Rob,
you're right. Okay. All right. I guess I'm Beavis
and you're butthead. Sound good? All right. There
you go, Travis in Colorado. What a question.
I love it. I love it. I love it. That's cool.
That's cool. I would love if we were compared
to Beavis and Butthead. I'm not sure if that's
what he was doing or not, but I don't know. I
don't know. I can see it. I can see it. I'd be
very, I would be honored. All right. The next
one. Mark, what's your prediction on the Chiefs
this year now, Tony and Miami? I don't understand
how we're missing the game right now. That's
true. Let's see what the score is, and I'll let
you know right now. They're saying we're not
going to lose this game. Don't ever believe it.
Somehow the internet is saying we're not losing
this game. Don't ever believe that. Don't ever.
I know. I know. Nope. 6 -0 Kansas City. Minute
53 left. And New York has a ball. First and 10
at our 18 -yard line. Quite simply, this is a
rebuilding year, I believe. Yeah. You can't do
it every year. It's been proven. They need to
get some of the salary off of the books. Travis
Kelsey. Yeah. Got to get his stupid ass back
in here. Yeah. Yeah, got worthy. Got to get worthy
back, which Travis Kelsey took out accidentally.
Yeah. Listen, this is a what's -for -you -done
-for -me -now league, okay? So if anybody has
a problem with me saying something about Travis
Kelsey, I don't give a shit. This is a what -do
-you -do -now league. Not yesterday. Not the
day before. We're talking right now. No, no.
Get out. Get out of the way. Get out of the way
and let someone that can do it, do it. And most
importantly, don't take all that salary cup up
if you're not going to be producing. You take
how much salary? To be honest right now, the
only thing that man has going for him is his
wife or his fiance. Well, I think he's going
to be really... He ain't doing shit on the...
He's going to be a Hollywood guy. He's going
to be a Hollywood guy. I think he's going to
fail at that, to be honest. It wouldn't bother
me any. I don't care. To be honest, I think he
would. Who may? Hey, we may go podcast for podcast
here. Hey, there we go. His brother certainly
has been on a lot of commercials. I was a huge
Chelsea fan. As a matter of fact, he's cost us
some guys. And he's making millions. I know.
I know. Yep. Let's get some guys in there to
do the job. Well, the Giants are getting ready
to go ahead 7 -6 here. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And
like I said. Let's go on. Let's go. Yeah, yeah.
You know what? Let's go on. Anyhow. All right.
Yeah, we're on emails. Yep. Rob, I tried your
suggestion of titling a dick pic in someone else's
name and got caught anyhow. Thanks for nothing,
asshole. Jimmy and Corpus Christi. Rob? Okay,
okay. Well, I have a feeling it was number three
that was never caught. That's what it was. If
we gave you number three... If we gave you number
three, you would have been fine. We have never
made that up, Mark. We got to do it here soon.
But quite frankly, I was like really kind of
having fun with everybody getting mad about it.
Yeah, well, that's the first time we've heard
anything about it in a while. Yeah, well, Jimmy.
I'm sorry, but I'm sorry. Jimmy and Corpus Christi.
It was number three. I guarantee it caught you.
Sorry, Jimmy. You know what? We all get caught.
That's the way it is. So brush yourself off,
think of a great excuse, and move on. So, all
right. Rob, we sold your dunk booth so we can
afford more Narcan for Clint. Oh, fuck him. Even
though you are not coming over to Lake Freeman,
could you still run by the quarter panel for
the 81 Gremlin, please and thank you? Mitch,
the carp specialist of Freeman Lake and surrounding
areas. Rob, are you still going to run that quarter
panel over? I'll look. I'll check and see if
it's still there. Oh, no. Mitch is kind of fucking
brutal to you there for a little bit. I don't
know if you want to do it. Well, no. Okay Okay,
there you go Next one. Mark, do you still have
that garden greens tea recipe on the apocalypse
segment? I haven't heard it in a long time. Rose
and Davenport. Okay. I thought this was a joke.
You know how they're always asking us for, um,
uh, for different recipes, right? Yeah. Yeah.
But that was a good one. Yes. Yes. I do too.
It took me a second at first. I was like, ha
ha. And I was like, wait a minute. I think I
did do something like that. And I did. And so
Rose, I'm going to, I'm going to try to have
it on this one. Yeah, it was. It was. I mean,
this is stuff you can drink. I mean, it's like
a refreshing beverage you get out of your yard.
This is true shit right here. Yeah. What Mark
said. So, Rose, I'll try to have it on this one
right here on this podcast. If not, I'll have
it on the next one. I got to dig it up. I've
really, I've got almost a thousand bits, if not
more. I think probably a little bit more than
a thousand now. My computer has just got all
kinds of them on it, and it's really getting
kind of difficult for me to find the ones that
I need. I need to find a way to organize them
better to where I can, I wish I had a system
like radio stations do, where you just punch
in what you're looking for, what little skit
or gimmick or whatever you're looking for, you
punch it in and find it, but I don't have that.
I got to go on here physically and find it. So
when I find it, Rose, it will be on here. So
thank you. All right. Next and the last one.
Douchebags. This might have been asked before.
I'm not sure. But what is your favorite state
cut? Wentz in Wentzville. Okay. Wentzville. Yeah.
I'll tell you, you asked that already. Was Ronnie
in Tulsa? He asked us that a while back. Yeah.
That's probably Wentzville, Missouri. Yeah, and
his name's Wentz in Wentzville. W -E -Z. I don't
know if that's a joke. I can't say that part.
I thought it was Wentzville. Okay, I just thought
that was interesting. Okay, mine. Go ahead with
yours, Rob. Mine? Yeah, your favorite statement.
Mine. Can't beat that. That's it. T -bone on
a grill for me. T -bone is my second favorite.
My first favorite is cap steak from a ribeye.
It's hard to find because people don't like to
cut into ribeyes. Well, yeah, it's high dollar,
but I mean, it's not. It's not like wagyu beef.
It's not like Wagyu or something like that where
you're spending $300 a pound. But, I mean, you're
still paying $25, $30 a pound. But to me, it's
worth it. if you really want a great steak. And
what they do is a lot of shops do not do this
because they don't want to dig into a perfectly
good ribeye. But this is the loin meat from a
ribeye, and it's strung together filet mignon
style, and you put it all together, and then
they tie it up with string instead of bacon.
And like I said, a good cut. And that's why you
pay as much as you do. Yes. Yeah, exactly. So
you have to pay more to get that out of the ribeye.
And not everybody does it. You can't find it
everywhere. But like I said, any steak you got
to wrap bacon around for flavor is not a good
steak. So that's why they wrap a string around
this and not bacon. They don't want to hurt that
flavor any. So they put string around this and
it's really good. And you really got to watch
it on the grill because it tends to want to fall
apart. It's so tender. You have to really have
a pair of tongs right there ready to go to pull
it off when it starts to fall apart. Because
that string, sometimes it catches on fire and
then it busts open. So you have all these tender
pieces that are just coming undone. So if you
get cap steak, do it like that. Make sure when
you're grilling it to have a pair of tongs ready
for something like that to happen. So, all right,
there you go, Wentz in Wentzville. All right,
Rob, you got something. Yeah, I do. All right.
Most of us think of doping or game rigging when
it comes to cheating in sports. In Scotland this
week, a very handful of competitors showed up
to the World Stone Skimming Championship, which
is especially polished. Okay. Okay. Uh -huh.
Oh, wow. Mm -hmm. Okay. Oh, well. Over 2 ,000
people traveled to there. And what? Okay, whatever.
That's why the Dr. Stone struck such a nerve.
Eastdale's appeal is in the challenge itself,
making the most of whatever uneven shard worry
gives you. Uh -huh. Yeah. That's my opinion.
Oh, same. Yeah. I agree. Matthew said the priority
now is keeping the event as fair as it is strange.
Mm -hmm. The contest format hasn't changed much
since it was revived in 1997. Early rounds narrowed
the field and a final toss -up decides who carries
the crown. Asdale itself is tiny, with only about
60 residents. Always, always. And a championship
helps bug community projects that keep the island
going. The whole tampering still left a mark,
though. Even in a sport built on something as
simple as skipping rocks, someone had to be an
asshole. Yeah. That's their words, not mine.
I love it. Okay. Do you want to take our second
break and come back with some more? All right,
let's do that. We'll be right back. She makes
Godzilla look like an etching figure. Have you
ever wondered what something came about? Have
you ever looked at something and said, hmm, I
wonder what the origin of that is? Well, so have
we. That's why we give you The Origin Of. The
Origin Of smoke detectors, different versions
of smoke and heat detectors, have been around
since the late 1800s. But a key step in the invention's
evolution came from a Swiss physicist named Walter
Jaeger. The story goes that Jaeger was trying
to create a device that would detect poisonous
gas. It didn't work. One day he lit up a cigarette
in Viola. His failed poison detector became itself
an effective smoke detector. So there you go.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien. Real hilarity.
Hey, your chair. Produce a sound similar to a
fart, but only once. Such that you cannot reproduce
it and prove that it was just the chair. Two
douchebags, a microphone, I'm Mark here in the
Kansas City area at the Talk is Cheap studio.
And I am robbing the beautiful Nanguarm of Lake
of the Ozarks, or now, in the Doug Blunt studio.
There is this guy, okay, J. Gonzalez Diaz. He
jumped off a cruise ship with nothing but his
backpack, right? And this is at the port, okay?
This is not out in the middle of the ocean. It's
near the port. A criminal complaint alleges that
he jumped off. He had a backpack, which contained
$14 ,600, two phones, and five IDs. Two passing
jet skis picked him up, and Customs and Border
Protection later detained him near Puerto Rico
capital. Gonzalez Diaz told CBP... That he went
overboard because he thought he was going to
be taxed duties for bringing in the currency.
But it turned out he also had owed $16 ,710 debt
with the cruise line. So he's trying to get off
of there without paying it. It was almost exclusively
associated to casino and gaming expenses. CBP
told... the news gonzalez diaz also could face
a fine of 225 uh two thousand five hundred dollars
no no no no no two hundred and fifty thousand
dollars what the hell is wrong with me a five
-year prison sentence or both for doing that
so um he was he was trying to get away from the
boat So he didn't have to pay his debt to the
casino that he owed, which was $16 ,710. And
he had $14 ,600 in his backpack he's trying to
get away with. So not a good day for Mr. Diaz,
was it? Was it, Rob? No. So, all right. Yeah,
that's the end of that story. So, Rob, we turn
it to you. Okay, I have a quick little one. Okay.
Okay. Uh -huh. Okay, here's an update. It's a
quick one. Okay. The Missouri Department of Conservation
paused a $40 million renovation to Bennett Spring
fish hatchery. That's how big it was. Yeah, they
took out all the tanks. They're replacing a lot
of stuff. That's what I see. Okay. It says the
decision was made after a comprehensive review
of what's been done so far. The project started
in 2023 to build a new intake structure, a new
office, rehab the raceways, and improve the water
quality. Conservation officials Okay. In other
words, you can still fish the river. Mm -hmm.
But I'm telling you, I might make a stroll down
there and check this out and see what's holding
it up. Because they had that whole hatchery blocked
off when I was down there. Yeah, I remember you
saying that. And it was going to take a long
time to fix what I see. Just going this direction,
blah, blah, blah. Okay, yeah, yeah, I know what
you're saying. Oh, okay. So I'm thinking it's
the hatchery. Yeah, it's first mentioned, the
fish hatchery. Mm -hmm. So it's a $40 million.
Okay, cool. Wow. Yeah, that's a lot. All right,
thank you, Rob. All right. In a new twist on
Ding Dong Ditch. German authorities have identified
the culprit of the late -night doorbell rings
in Swabach, Bavaria. United Press International,
Portland, September 9th, police were called to
an apartment building where several residents
complained of the unexpected doorbells. But they
couldn't see anyone on their front door cameras.
They looked them all over. They didn't see anybody,
but they're still getting these doorbells, right?
They suspected that kids were pranking them,
but authorities discovered that a slug was crawling
across a panel and triggering several doorbells
in the process. Officers relocated the slug and
declined to press charges. So, a slug was doing
ding dong ditch with a bunch of people in Bavaria.
How about that? I like it. That sounds great
to me, too. Hell, yeah. Bother them people. Fuck
with them. I love it. So, Eddie, have you got
anything, or do you want me to keep going? I
don't want to hear it. All right. Go ahead. I'm
going to go into Floyd Mayweather and Mike Tyson.
Oh, cool. Okay. Yeah. Floyd Mayweather is actually
50 -0 right now. Is he really? I didn't realize
that, but I knew he was up there. No, he is 50
-0. Floyd Mugweather isn't really out stepping
back into the boxing ring as a pro. He's putting
his perfect professional record on the line.
We know TBE and Mike Tyson are scheduled to fight
sometime early next year. Uh -huh. Uh -huh. He
has taken exhibition fights here and there over
the years. Logan Paul and John Gotti III have
been among his ops since FM last fought professionally
against Conor McGregor in August 2017. His 50th
pro victory. So his last pro fight was against
Conor. meeting wow if you know uh -huh uh speaking
of iron might we also chopped it up about the
highly anticipated scrap i'm not really training
right now mine is in 2026 we're starting still
ironing out everything boyd said but i'm pretty
sure it's going to be exciting where the people
and the fans And I just want to give the fans
what they want to see. Excitement. I'm pretty
sure it's going to be an exciting event. And
people from all around the world are going to
enjoy it. Cool. I'm good for that. What about
you? Yeah, yeah. I mean, that's what exhibition
matches are about. Yeah, I mean, it's just...
Yeah, it's entertainment because, I mean, boxing
is nothing like it used to be. The competition
isn't there. It all went somewhere else. It went
to MMA or kickboxing or slap boxing. Right, right,
yeah, I'm getting into that. Oh, that better
than Uncle Boxing for shit. Oh, I know. So regular
boxing, all the talent's gone. So, I mean, whenever
you get a Mayweather. People wondered how come
Jake Paul and Mike Tyson scored so high, you
know, with viewership. It's because people are
dying for a competitive fight, a good fight,
with good fighters. And there just isn't any
left, really. Not in that sport. And this one,
okay, you've got Boyd Mayweather. Mm -hmm. And
you have Tyson. Yeah. Tyson's a lot bigger than
Mayweather. Yes. Yep. I think it would be a good
match. Oh, I would love to. I'm going to watch
it. Are you? Actually, okay, I am not supposed
to bet. You can ask Princess. I'm bad at betting.
Okay. But my money is going to be on Mayweather.
Mine too. I just cannot. I agree. Mayweather's
younger and in much better shape, I'm sure. All
he's got to do is get to the inside and he can
do his damage. He's a smaller guy. I agree. I'm
watching MMA. I'm watching UFC and all that.
Yeah, I agree. He gets it inside. That's where
he does his damage. Yeah, and he will with Tyson.
And the bigger guy has a hard time because they're
swinging around him. Yep, and also Tyson's older.
He's going to wear out too. I think Mayweather
will take it. Oh, yeah. Rather easily. Nice is
going to wear out quick. Yeah. Just like he did
on the last one. Bingo. Where he's just kind
of like sitting there just doing damage control
instead of actually fighting. Yeah. Yeah, so
that's what. Yeah, yeah. And he definitely ain't
going to make it through Mayweather. No, I don't
think so either, but I want to see it. I will
definitely see it. I'll buy it if I have to,
but I want to watch. All right. I'm not going
that far. I'll go to the bar before I spend $150.
I mean, think of all the beer and food you can
get. Look at all the beer and food you can get
with $150, you know. Oh, yeah, dear friends.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, exactly. How about if I do
one more story and then that's it, a smaller
one. That sound all right? Sounds good. Okay.
Sean O'Donnell, 46, of Harris County, Texas,
was charged with murder in late August. NBC News
reported on September 2nd when deputies first
responded on August 17th at O'Donnell's home,
they found Aaron Pratt, 34, with a gunshot wound
to his head. He died from his injuries. Authorities
first believed his death was a suicide, but then
said things weren't adding up. Allegedly, O'Donnell
and Pratt were taking turns shooting each other
in the head with a rifle while wearing a Kevlar
helmet. And also being under the influence. They
were wearing a Kevlar helmet and shooting each
other in the head. I believe it. Well, O'Donnell's
getting charged with murder and he's been held
on $300 ,000 bond. So there you go. Kevlar is
a great substance that they came up with. It
does a lot of good, but it doesn't. It's not
a miracle worker. You can't wear that and get
out of everything. Kevlar vests are great, but
they don't always save lives. Sometimes, you
know, I mean, bullets have a lot of power behind
them and a lot of force. So as Mr. O'Donnell
found out that his buddy's now dead and he is
now in the slammer. So, all right. And I hope
my jury duty tomorrow has no story like that
at all involved. Oh, shit. Yeah, I know. Yeah,
I got jury duty. You didn't mention that. Oh,
I'm fucking just... You didn't even mention that
before the show. I'm sorry. I was going to, and
I just simply... We got distracted, like always.
So, anyhow... Hey, hey, hey. Knock on wood. Yeah?
The last time they tried to get... Well, I'm
kind of figuring it like this, and I could be
completely wrong. I'm a white male. Nobody wants
a white male on their jury. Agreed? Yeah, not
where you're at. Yeah. I'm only right there,
not where you're at. Okay. Yeah, yeah, they're
going to go, hey, I can say this. I'm white.
That white guy right there. Can you go ahead
and get him off the jury panel? Okay. Yeah, you
won't hit the door. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah,
look at him right there. Nope, nope, don't let
him in. Don't let him make it in the courtroom.
And, you know, my reply to that is, I'll be down
at the coffee house having a coffee. Bye. No
big deal. You already took the day off work.
Well, I got to go in at some point if I get out
early enough, but I plan on not hurrying. So
there we go. Yeah. Oh, anyhow. All right. Hi,
Albuquerque. Hi, Hicksville. Hi, Jimmy. Hi, Ricky.
Hi, Grandma Opal. You're the best. Thank you,
everybody, for listening. Have a good night,
assholes. Good night, assholes. Oh, no. Looks
like the show's over, kids. Mark has explosive
diarrhea and can't afford a wireless mic. Fear
not, assholes. They'll be back invading your
ear holes soon.