Hey, you fucking derelicts, it's time for the
Daily Douchebag Pledge. I, Joe or Jane Listener,
hereby promise to download the show. I, Joe or
Jane Listener, Hereby promise to grab other people's
phones, unattended computers, public computers,
and all of my work computers as well, and download
the show from there. I, Joe or Jane listener,
hereby promise to make other people listen. I,
Joe or Jane listener. We'll hereby lie to everyone
about how quality the show is. I, Joe or Jane
Listener, promise to make all my family members
listen and recite the Daily Douchebag Pledge.
And finally, I, Joe or Jane Listener, hereby
promise to make the trek to Knoblick, Missouri,
just to have a selfie with the Knoblick sign.
Here at Two Douchebags and a Microphone, we don't
stand behind our journalistic integrity. Go ahead
and assume we got the story wrong. At least we
admit it. Not like all those other guys. We can
and will lie if it makes the story better. Two
douchebags and a microphone. We are Casablanca.
Oh my. Would you look at the rightly scattering.
It sure is brilliant tonight. First off, your
own private property. Second. You're in my flower
garden. Third, if you're talking about the sunset,
yes, it is stunning. And finally, would you get
the hell off my property, you annoying fucking
bastard. Post -apocalypse protein might be hard
to come by. The animals could be contaminated
or scarce, if any at all. This is where protein
powder is essential in a post -apocalypse survival.
The powder is easy to keep and does not require
refrigeration. Hey everybody, this is Uncle Rob.
I'm gonna give you some tips for life. This is
Uncle Rob's rules to dick pics. Rule number one.
Title will kick in someone else's name. So if
you get busted, it's not yours. Rule number two,
shoot angles complementary to your length and
curve. Rule number four, no propping of the way.
Absolutely no undercarriage. Very important.
Have you ever looked at something and said, hey,
I wonder what the origin of that is? Well, so
have we. That's why we give you The Origin of...
The Origin of the Goatee. The Goatee is a beard
style that dates back to ancient Greece and Rome
and is named for its resemblance to a goat's
beard. The Goatee has been worn by many famous
men throughout history, including Uncle Sam,
Henry M. Hoyt, and Mr. Spock. And now, deep thoughts
with Mark. Hmm, let's see, if I identify as a
dog and I start wandering around the block without
a collar on, could animal control come by and
pick me up? Hmm, I may never know. Two douchebags
and a microphone on Mark here in the Kansas City
area at the Talk is Cheap Studio. Sorry, I forgot.
Go ahead, I'm done. Alright, so Rob, you sound
kind of beat tonight. You got a lot of work thrown
at you, huh? Well, thanks for Enduring this tonight.
I appreciate it. I know I know you are low on
time. I know I know but I'd still want to say
thank you and Everybody out there. I'm sure they
appreciate it, too. So Yeah, yep, absolutely
Absolutely. So I listened last podcast and I
didn't think it was gonna be very good, right?
I don't know why i just had a feeling it was
choppy it sound i think it sounded great yeah
i agree too okay good all right i it's a weird
deal i don't know maybe it's my own insecurity
but sometimes i think you know i'm like man that
sucked that sounds horrible and i go back to
listen to i'm like that's not as bad as i thought
so that's a good thing so um rob someone i know
really well Went to go get some gummies and some
sort other assorted goodies at the dispensary,
right? No big deal, right? You know, Missouri
is legal The said people the said people that
I know really well, okay Went through the drive
-thru and received $10 off. I Guess they I guess
now you can accumulate pot points Yes, you can
oh look I didn't know that what a fantastic world
we live in Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's just
like going to the local convenience store gas
station wherever you get rewards. Yeah, you get
points that you get rewards, pot rewards, pot
points, whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, what
next? Funeral points? The funeral director comes
over and goes, um, um, hey. That would be great.
Oh yeah. Uh, Rob, um, if someone else close you
dies, um, come back here and get your $200 off.
You've earned $200 death points. Yeah, I got
death points. How about a heroin dealer? The
dealer says, hey, if you use my app, download
my heroin app, and you get 50 % off your first
fix. How about that? Hey, if I was a heroin addict,
it'd sound great, right? Oh, hell yeah. That's
so good. 50 % off if I download your heroin app
fuck yeah, I'm there. Oh, yeah, so Anyhow To
do where was I now? All right, let's get back
to gummies they have some now that are pawpaw
fruit flavored Why in the fuck would you have
pawpaw fruit Rob? How about orange Grape? Yeah.
Mango? But Paw Paw? Oh, go ahead. What? I don't
know. I don't know what to have. But Paw Paw
fruit? Who the fuck likes... You know that no
one has ever said, man, I miss hanging out underneath
the Paw Paw tree eating all those delicious Paw
Paws. You ever remember hanging out underneath
a Paw Paw tree and eating Paw Paws? No. Exactly!
So why in the hell do they have paw -paw flavored
gummies? Why don't they have grapes? Orange?
Cherry? But paw -paws? What the fuck? I'm pretty
sure they have all of the other flavors. Yeah,
I did spoil paw -paw. Well, maybe this person
close to me likes a certain kind, you know, that's
kind of like, you know, mellow and puts you to
sleep and you know, it's Indica, you know, yeah,
yeah, yeah. So maybe this person close to me
likes that. And he's always, like, kind of confused
why he has to eat pawpaws when he would rather
have orange or grape or cherry. Yeah, I know.
Yeah, see? See what whoever this is is saying?
You get it? Okay. All right. I mean, pawpaws.
I always just, whenever... I looked at my friend
that buys this bag, you know, a bag of pawpaw
fruit, gummies. I'm like, why the hell? So anyhow,
it was just my own thing, I guess. I mean, no
one else seemed to give a shit. And you happen
to know you're talking to somebody that can take
this conversation a lot further. Is it good for
the show or is it not? Yeah, yeah, that's no
big deal. Go ahead, Rob. Oh, you told me about
that. Okay, I bet that's mellow, isn't it? I
agree 100 % because I get so amped up. And with
the body pain I get with it, you know? Yes, yes.
With my work. Yeah. It just, yeah, you gotta
have something. It knocks it all away. Yeah.
Oh, so I've heard, so I've heard. And I rely
on something I've done for years. It was illegal
then, it's legal now. Oh yeah, yeah. People want
if they tax them anymore, they're gonna go back
to their dealer That's good neither why neither
why now there's one time I may or may not have
snuck out some mini whites that were accidentally
crushed and looked like cocaine. And it was in
the floorboard of the car and I believe you were
there that night. It was in Warrensburg. We're
dicking around in Warrensburg for god knows what.
Remember that? Were you there? Oh yeah, well,
we were there, and suddenly we get stopped. Jeff
Huey was driving, our friend, and he had white
pants on and he spilled red wine all over his
white pants. Yes, I was there! I thought so.
I was in the backseat. I was in the backseat,
yeah. Yeah, yeah, and remember, that was my fucking
crushed mini -wives, and they found him, and
they were like, whose is it? And we're all going,
I don't know, I don't know. Well, you're all
gonna go to jail. I don't know! It was mine,
and then the next thing I know we're so lucky
remember There's that armed robbery on the other
side of town, and they all have a leave. Oh my
gosh Don't ever get caught back in this town
again. Yes, sir. Okay, you got it Or the that
one time we're like tearing apart an old fence
So we had all these crowbars and shit and were
you there? We went to stop at the car wash right
to get some change to go buy some soda and the
cops Okay, the cops flew around the corner and
accused us of trying to break the machines open
and take the change out because we had crowbars
We're like no We were tearing down a fence over
on the other side of town and we came here to
get some change So we'll get by some soda pop
from that machine. No, there's been a lot of
activity around here You guys did that and we're
like, no, we didn't we didn't so go dust it for
fucking fingerprints or something I don't know.
I don't give a shit whatever you got to do, but
I didn't do it. Leave me the fuck alone Let me
go and they did but Oh, and I got reminded of
this from a friend of mine, okay, and I'll tell
this real quick and then go on with everything.
When I was still in school, during the summer,
I was painting houses, right? Yeah. Okay. And
we started doing interior rooms, and my boss
at the time, the owner of the company, if he
thought you were moving a little bit slow, he
would shit in a box and sneak it in your room,
wherever you're working. So it would stink up
the room and his his philosophy was if the room
smells like shit, you're gonna hurry up and get
it done Yeah, I think it worked I think it'll
work any I just remind me of that cuz we all
Oh, yeah, yeah, no construction. That's what
you do. It's like man. I ain't going out there.
You see that porta potty We used to have a you
know Someone would steal all the shit paper as
soon as the as soon as the Johnny guys come by
And through you new one you go in there. There'd
be no shit papers like damn it these motherfuckers
Why? Oh, I'm talking back in the 80s before there
was Johnny's on the job, okay? Who's to take
a dump in those? Yeah That's awesome Fucking
awesome, you know what if a man needs to shoot
he will find ways to shoot Smart man, smart man.
I mean, I told you that one time, you know, we
were on the job, me and my buddy Sandor, I think
it was local, coming out of town, I don't know.
But anyhow, they kept stealing the shit paper
out of the Johnnys, right? So there's this guy
that came in every day and I think it's like
either rebel flag bandana or a Leonard Skinner
bandana, something like that, right? And it had
the Dixie flag on it, right? And he came in every
day, he has a tile setter and he had that on
his head. One day we see somebody new we think,
it's bald headed guy. And I go to Sandra, I go,
who's that guy? He goes, I don't know, I've never
seen him before. Then we start looking again,
looking again. Is that the guy that wears that
bandana over his head? I think so. So I go out
to take a piss and I see that bandana, he wiped
his ass with it. That's the only thing that happened.
I think I did, I think I did. That's a good one
though, that's a good one though. I see backer
rod in there, someone wiped their ass with backer
rod. I don't miss those days at all. I like indoor
plumbing, I like air conditioning now, it's fine
with me. I don't even get air conditioning, but
hey, I at least get a roof. True. Yes, and fans.
Yep. Hey, I read that if you air drum with two
hands during a Def Leppard music, that you're
extremely inconsiderate. Oh, I didn't know. I've
known that for years. Okay. All right. Just making
sure. Yeah. No, no, no, no. I know. I was there.
Okay. Yeah. I was there. I know. Okay. I pre
-ordered the new Ozzy book, Last Rites. I can't
find who's responsible for the content, but it
seems to be legit. The book drops October 7th.
I can't wait. But then I found out right afterwards,
it's going to be on Paramount. It's accompanied
with a movie, The Last Rites. It's the last six
years of Ozzy's life, detailing it. Oh, okay.
Yeah, it ought to be pretty good. So it's the
time he's been sick. Yeah, yeah. So I still want
the book anyhow. The book's usually so much better,
so... And he had it, so. Well, I was pre -ordering
Ozzie's book. My computer suggested Zach Wilde's
book, Bringin' Metal to the Children. I'll get
that book here in a couple of days. The book
seems great. Let me write that down. I'm gonna
have to, for instance, Bringin' Metal to the
Children. By Zach Wilde. Gotcha. And I'm gonna
get it in a few days, so I'll give a report on
it, okay? This is the description. It's about
music, of course, with backstage debauchery and
intense band infighting. I remember the book
when it was released, but I spaced it off and
never ordered it. But yeah, it sounds great because
these are the kind of books that I like. I like
the inside Indian stuff, the fighting, the people
that didn't get along, the people that did get
along, the scandals, all that stuff. That's what
I had against brothers Alex Van Halen's book.
It really didn't tell me anything that I was
like, oh my gosh, I can't believe that. It was
nothing new. Yeah, it was nothing new. And I
was like, you know, I appreciate him writing
it and I appreciate him, you know, lifting up
his brother. We, you know, I love my brother
too and he's deceased, you know, so I get it.
Tribute to him. I mean, couldn't he give us some
juice? Something? You know? Make something up
or nothing else. Just fucking lie. Say Eddie
only had one toe. I don't know. Whatever. Something.
So. Well, now Valerie might dispute that one.
He would have to come up with something from
their childhood. Yeah, you know what? You're
right. You're right. Yeah. Valerie Bertinelli,
if anyone's wondering who he's talking about.
Yeah, Valerie Bertinelli is ex -wife. Love of
his life. They were still best friends. He went
to visit her during his cancer. Valerie Bertinelli
got a divorce. She got a divorce over it. They
never fell out of love with each other. It's
just they couldn't live with each other type
of thing. Right. I mean it's a classic story
you know they really did they were crazy about
each other but it didn't work out and probably
a lot of it was you know Eddie Van Halen very
famously had some drug issues and you know and
probably got in the way of the relationship and
I don't know what else but you know but the thing
is they were still you know probably deeply in
love at the time of his death And she was over
there so much helping Eddie during his last few,
you know, last few days of his life. Her husband
was like, you know, this is not the same. You
obviously love him much more than, you know,
that type of thing from what I read. So, but,
you know. Well, that's also the father of her
kids. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, I know that. No, and
they should have. You know, they were a royal
couple at one time, weren't they? She was. Yeah,
she was from TV cute brunette gorgeous little
thing and the rocker it was like the perfect
story, you know Yeah, she was on my wall. Oh,
yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So she was smoking wasn't she?
Oh, oh Yeah, yeah, man, my okay My poor fucking
little my poor fucking developing penis got him
Pretty good workout over her. With a couple of
hairs I had on my nads. That's about it. All
right. I'm glad you're in my ear. I'm glad I
am, too. Princess, maybe we're going to have
to. No, no, no. Princess is thinking about coming
on, but then we will have our hands full. That's
fine. welcome it that's fine with me cool yeah
cool that sounds good I'm for it Aerosmith Lord
of the Thighs what a fucking song just saying
just saying just saying I was on my way to work
and I heard that fucking rhythm. I'm like man.
I'm about ready to punch out my windows so good
If you don't know what I'm talking about go to
YouTube put in Aerosmith lord of the thighs so
So I go on Perhaps it was the stress of speaking
in front of others on September 2nd in Cranford,
New Jersey resident Will Philly appeared in a
town hall meeting to ask questions about a recent
property tax hike. WABC TV reported, but before
he uttered a word, he performed a wordless robot
dance without music. He spun on the floor. Then
he asked how everyone's weekend was. He went
on to ask a few specific questions about taxes
and school expenses. then gathered his papers
from the podium and moonwalked back to his seat.
Was that Mitch? Probably was Mitch. Was that
Mitch? He loves to break dance, we know this,
and he loves to moonwalk, so I bet it was. It
was Mitch. And he likes to wear those really,
really tight parachute pants that gives you the
man camel toe. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It divides your
sack into two pieces. And then your your farm
animal goes one way and your one one bag goes
one way and all that good shit, right? It looks
like a deflated basketball It looks like a deflated
basketball and very tight fucking white parachute
pants that's Mitch right he still wears them
Oh, they're brown. Yeah. Yeah. Oh like Jeffy
X's Yeah, Jeffy X gotta come up with some shit
Yeah, that's right That's true that's true well
detergent well a lot of detergent so anyhow So
anyhow this guy will Philly he is running for
the Township committee He said, I want to bring
a friendly, stress -free way of our committee
when dealing with the public. He says on his
website, if I lived there, I'd vote for him,
wouldn't you? The guy, the guy came in, he fucking
spun on the floor, he fucking body popped, and
fucking, and moonwalked all the way out of there.
I'd be like, I got right there. I don't care
how crazy he is or whatever. I want him in, want
him in. I got to see what happens. Just we need
a politician to walk That's right, that's right
So I think that's pretty cool though because
you know what it did it got people talking about
him didn't it? Yeah, I definitely did. Yeah,
I think it's brilliant So yeah, he did. So anyhow,
we're 20 minutes in so Rob, let's go to you Yes,
the details sound less like a crime report more
like the rejected pilot of Florida man aquatic
adventures Okay, okay You're not picking on Florida
Florida has a nap Yeah yeah yeah so apparently
at paddlefish restaurant the guy shows up just
after midnight dressed in wait for it a wet suit
okay goggles mask Okay Keep going. I like where
this is going. I'm gonna read this. Okay. I love
70s journalists news. I love their work. Sounds
good. Now here's where the story stops making
sense. Okay. Okay Okay, you may get to this I
don't know but Why would a guy give up anything
if he doesn't have a weapon? Yeah, if a guy comes
up to mirror you and he doesn't have a weapon
it goes Give me your wall. You're gonna go fuck
off, right? But the wetsuit might might account
for something in the goggles That's one of me.
I love this word. I do too. Ooh, that's up there.
That's gonna be a major, major felony. Okay.
Yeah. Uh, that means this guy wasn't robbing
his safe. He was probably just taking the tips
from people ordering lobster rolls, which knowing
Disney prices is like two tables. Yes, two tables.
the guy this is fucking he's got a set of balls
he has to carry a wheelbarrow for his fucking
balls Imitation yeah, okay I apologize for the
feedback. My earphones are fucking up really
bad. So it gave me a whole bunch of feedback.
So if you all heard that, and you're going to
hear that, I'm sorry I had to turn the volume
down a little bit. So there's going to be a little
bit of difference in the recording. Anyhow, I'm
sorry. Go ahead, Rob. Oh, that was the end of
it. Oh, OK. You know, confidence. Go ahead. Florida
don't care. They'll they'll take it. They got
broad shoulders um confidence does a lot and
This is kind of fucked up story with you know
we we all you know, okay? This is a long time
ago, and I was at a said strip club Okay, they
had to twist my arm to go there. I didn't want
to do it I was like no no way I do not objectify
women like that ever ever But they kept twisting
my arm, right? So I went okay, so I got a piss
really bad I've been drinking fucking dollar
buds or whatever it was dollar They didn't have
yin -ling here yet, but whatever it was I was
drinking dollar somethings probably natty light
and I had to piss really bad some guys were in
the bathroom and they were blocking it off they're
holding it off right and And I know what they're
doing. They're doing coke and I was so pissed.
They wouldn't let me in I kicked the fucking
door in and the guy uh smashed his nose against
the fucking wall and was bleeding and there's
like five guys in there right so anyhow they're
all like looking like they're gonna kick my ass
i go which one of you motherfuckers is the first
one that's gonna fucking go down come on bitches
they all fucking ran out and i was fucking following
them down the hallway with my fucking dick hanging
out going i'm gonna kill you motherfuckers i
was drunker than hell and every one of them left
they they they didn't question it They just thought
man this guy's gonna fucking kill us if we don't
leave And that fucked up that's confidence I
mean if I was if I was them I looked at everybody
else and said fuck this guy come on Let's kick
the shit out of them but because I did it like
that and I was pissed and I was drunk and And
you know because I kicked the door in and I fucking
asked which one was fucking first They I don't
know maybe they thought I had a weapon or something,
but it fucking worked They got the hell out of
there. I'm sorry, man. We're leaving. So anyhow,
all right, let's see. You want to take our first
break and come back with some emails? Yeah. Yeah,
let's take our break. Okay. And all the stuff
I just said was allegedly. It may not have happened,
right? Always. Always allegedly. Allegedly. Yeah.
Yeah. I made that up for show. Yeah, yeah allegedly
everything whatever we say it's allegedly so
there yes. Yep All right, we will be right back
Sir, I see your qualifications here. I have some
further questions that could help me determine
your employment eligibility Yes, sir. I'm ready.
Well as you can see here We have a large population
of different ethnic background sexuality and
ages Are you by chance bilingual? Well, sir,
I'm not sure why you need that kind of information,
but, well, it was only one time in summer camp.
I considered it experimental. Hey there, slap
nets. It's time for The Creep's Music News. Hey,
my little pumpkin seeds. This is Johnny Rohibnall
with your music news. This November, Bad Company
will be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall
of Fame. Only two of the band's original members
remain, Paul Rogers, the singer, and drummer,
Simon Kirk. The latter of which said the odds
of them performing at the ceremony are very good.
It's not a definite just yet though. I don't
know. I know that we've been approached to play
a couple of songs Kirk recently explained to
Defenders of the Faith podcast. I've spoken with
Paul, Paul's health, as you know, is not good.
But I think I'm crossed my fingers that we will
be able to play at least one song. I don't know
what that is yet. And I don't even know who's
going to be inducting us yet. Simon, we hope
you are correct. We would love to hear one last
song from you two. This is Johnny Rohypnol. That
was your music news. And remember, bar chords
are bullshit. Oh, hey, look at the time. It's
time for the crazy -ass word of the day. Pseudo
-pseudo -hypo -parent -phyrogism. Oh, shit. What's
that over there? Oh no! This island of horrible
jokes! They panic -stricken man explained to
his doctor, you have to help me, I'm shrinking.
The doctor said I will. You have to be a little
patient. Our constant pursuit for a real knee
-slapper. It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity. May your five -year -old neighbor
have all their violin lessons during all of your
hangovers. Why, what a burger, you say? Well,
because what a deep -fried crispy chicken nugget
just didn't have the right ring. Now it's time
for pick -up lines from a loser. Can you take
me to the hospital? I just broke my leg falling
for you. Sometimes Mark appears to be in deep
thoughts. Usually he is contemplating whether
to squeeze a tooth out or save it up for a better
place. But I digress. Sometimes he does occasionally
have a deep thought. Now we look in on his brilliance.
What if I learned telepathy and then I tried
to talk to random people? How would I know if
they're ignoring me? I guess some questions are
greater than mankind. Hey, this is Dash Riptide
here. I thought I'd let you all know, all you
music fans, that I pre -ordered the Ozzy book,
brand new, coming out October 7th. It's called
Last Rites. I think it's gonna be phenomenal,
from what I read. And you should get it too if
you're a fan. Introducing Rob Rad's new book,
How to Track Your Enemy by Scent. That's right,
smell your enemy before they get you. Order this
gem now and get a free virtual tour of Rob's
secret bunker in Camdenton, Missouri. Also receive
a free copy of his new book, How to Clean Raw
Sewage for Food. Hey there, fuckstick. You're
just in time for brand new feature news nobody
gives a shit about. A belly dancer in Spain.
Billy danced for 48 hours beating the old world
record by five hours. Hey, if you're a fan of
paying way too much for trinkets and food, well
your wish is coming true. Kansas City International
Airport guest pass program is starting today.
Yes, you too could overspend on workless trinkets
and $15 cups of coffee. You want to buy a $50
cheap t -shirt that has KC Western Auto building
image on it? We got you covered. Want a barbeque
sauce gift pack? No problem. Just a mere forty
bucks and you're first born. Hurry! You know
rubes are jumping all over to get to this complete
rip -off. Because people are sheep. Two douchebags
and microphone, I'll mark here in the Kansas
City area to talk his cheap studio. And I am
Rob at the beautiful Angwar, Malaysia of the
Ozarks, in the Dutch blind studio. Quack, quack.
All right, Rob, right off the bat, guess who
we have. Our buddy Mades. Of course. Oh, wait.
Oh, somebody else? Hang on. hang on we here at
lake freeman have used ai to create a rob clone
we no longer need the real rob we plan on making
a mark clone and throwing sewage at it cool it
won't be me it'll be my clone i don't care maybe
my clone will kick your ass i hope so uh rob
will answer our every command later losers clint
the leader of lake freeman real man club and
fish fry There you go good luck with your Rob
clone and As far as I go knock yourself out though
and sewage at my club. Yeah It's not gonna bother
me any I mean, you know, that's my clone. So
I'm hoping my clone. I don't know hold you down
and asses you up really good Steals your narcan
So all right Rob, what is your favorite? Yeah,
he's still around so he must be He is Mitch's
bitch, I want to know how come Mitch didn't have
enough nuts to email you this week nothing for
Mitch just Clint All right Lucas oil oh you swagger
jacked him as soon as you said yep yep Mitch
you got swagger jacked you are fucking done you're
toast Rob Rob handed it to you That's right Mitch
All right Rob, what is your favorite rainbow
album? I'm asking you because you're the rainbow
fanatic Ronnie and Tulsa the Tulsa King I'm gonna
have to say rising rainbow Rainbow rising was
a very good Yeah, same thing. I'm gonna have
to say that one. Yeah, Rainbow Rising was great.
That was with Ronnie James Dio, and it was early.
Yes. Yeah, that was very... Well, I loved every
incarnation of rainbow to I know he didn't ask
me but I'm just kind of interjecting I loved
every one of them. I loved the grand bonnet.
I loved the Joe Lynn Turner I loved the Ronnie
James deal every one of them were very different
singers Well, that's when he was doing that Mozart
and in the compositions, I mean Really, really
groundbreaking stuff that Richie Blackmore was
on. You know, like 20th Century Greensleeves.
What a song. I mean, that was written like Beethoven,
you know. It was amazing. It was like a musical
score. He was so good at it. And the feel that
he got from it, too. You know, they're talking
about medieval times and all that, druids, whatever,
you know. Well, he did it in such a way to where
you could feel what he was talking about without
even saying it. which is what a song's supposed
to do. So I can see how Rainbow Rising was your
favorite. I can't remember which one was the
one with Graham Bonnet, but that is probably
my favorite. Just because I loved his more hard
rock poppy sound that he came up with then. I
loved all of it, but to me that had a lot of
strength and a lot of vigor and umph, and Graham
Bonnet's voice is so good. but you know all of
them are great so um all right mark have you
ever thought about smoothing up the recorded
live from eureka springs episode i'd like to
hear it better thanks louis in white plains i
think probably new york i've been there nice
place um i guess i can take a look at it i tried
to uh clean up the one from the other day that
i accidentally had too hot And I can't seem to
get it clean, so I don't know if I can. I'll
give it a try. So I know there's got to be a
way of scrubbing it. I just don't know. I'll
have to get with Topher. He knows a lot about
it. He might be able to tell me how to scrub
it. And that's where the headphones came in and
all the feedback was. I was trying to put the
headphones on and plug them directly into the
mic so I can hear what's going on so I can have
a better quality sound. But every time I did
it gave us crazy feedback. So I guess I can't
so anyhow All right What is your favorite guitar
to hear Brandon model if you will? Thanks, Craig
in New Jersey Gibson SG Okay, Gibson SG Okay,
Gibson SG I just want to know if I like the sound
of it. Okay. I'll give you an example. Gibson
SG is what Tony Iommi plays and also Angus Young.
Okay. That gave you a pretty good idea, right?
Yeah. And I mean, and it's not just the model.
I appreciate this, Craig and everything, but
so much of it is your pickups and your electronics
in it. That's why I'm saying this is your question
because you're the guitar player I'm not okay
well yeah that's my favorite guitar to hear but
also depends on what kind of a box that you're
using whether it's clean you use distortion wah
-wah pedal I mean all this stuff that goes into
it but if you're just talking about a raw sound
like someone coming out just whoever in the amp
a Gibson SG to me has the most classic best sound
that I like Um, Louie, thank you. Oh, no, no,
no, that's Craig. I'm sorry. Craig in New Jersey.
All right. Um, Louie was the one in White Plains.
They want me to scrub up Eureka. All right. Rob,
do you still have the stewed squirrel recipe?
I didn't catch that. I didn't catch this one
earlier. I'm sorry. Rob, do you still have the
stewed squirrel recipe? I have three squirrels
that I've trapped. Emily and Bridgeford. I've
been looking for that. I put it up and I don't
know where it's at. I have her recipe box. I
just haven't looked in there. I know I wrote
it down somewhere. There you go, Emily. My squirrel
dip recipe is really easy if you're interested.
You take a squirrel... Oh, okay. I take a dead
squirrel, and I take a sledgehammer and smash
the piss out of it, and then I scoop it up, I
put it in a bowl with cream cheese and garlic.
Mix it up really well. Chill. It's better chilled,
and I like to use wavy lays on it. Yeah, yep.
Sounds like way be late getting hungry thinking
about it, aren't you? Yeah, yeah Never fails.
You want to have everyone at a party happy? That's
what you do Mark's famous squirrel dip. You can
even say it's yours. I don't care. You can say
that you invented it I don't care. It's fine.
That's how much I care Go ahead and use my recipe
and call it your own Is that not giving Rob?
Yes Like I said, I have my recipe wrote down
somewhere. I just don't have it. He'll get it.
He'll get it to you, Emily. So. All right. And
the final one. Hey, douches, how about a good
pina colada recipe for the drink of the week?
Ronnie and Tulsa. D, Tulsa King. This is awesome.
We got two from him today or this week. Oh, right
on. Yeah, I'll do a pina colada recipe. I'll
look one up. I'll try to find an interesting
one like maybe a different flavored one like
I don't know, you know, you can add flavors I'll
look for a really interesting like maybe Extra
coconut or I don't know. I'll figure it out mango
pina colada or something. I'll figure it out
and I'll get it Okay, the Tulsa King. Love you
man. Keep keep them coming man. We love your
emails. You are royalty You'll always get an
answer. We'll always talk about your emails and
And you are in the Hall of Fame. You're in the
Douchebag Hall of Fame because you rule. And
you're going to take up the whole wall where
we had Mitch at and we took him down? Actually,
I might get a shirt made up for him. Oh, for
Ronnie? For Tulsa King, yeah. Oh, yeah. Well,
I want to meet him. Cool National crappy podcast
day, which is ours. We invented it is coming
up on my birthday October 25th just to let everybody
else So let everybody know that this is a crappy
podcast and they are to listen to every show
They can in their spare time on October 25th.
Well, I said Well, I sip Italian margaritas and
get my free chicken spadini at Corozo's What
day is October 25th? Saturday Saturday? Saturday
Okay, well I'll probably be working on the house
Oh, okay Well, yeah, just throw in our episodes
Might be moving Oh, that day? Really? You might
be moving that soon? Maybe. Okay, cool. I wish
you luck, Rob. I mean, I think it's great. I'm
glad that you and Princess are doing so well.
So excellent. Yeah, we are. Good. That's great
to hear. All right. Go ahead, Rob. That's all
of the emails. Okay. Well, let's go to the Lake
of the Ozarks. Oh, why not? Down here. Oh, yeah,
I forgot their names two chicks wanted you to
There you go Law enforcement is searching for
the person responsible for property damage at
a football field on Saturday Guilty, not on this
one, but from before. Yep, get a hold of them
your local fuzz help them out There you go All
right, thank you Rob What is geographic tongue
Rob Okay It's about the Saturday Night Live star
Kate McKinnon's gross condition and this is self
-described I'm not saying she's gross. She calls
it gross condition It in what appeared to be
a slip of the tongue Saturday Night Live alumni
Kate McKinnon Recently revealed to people that
she has an odd but harmless medical condition
called Geographic tongue. I looked it up interesting
I'll just keep going with it. Your tongue sheds
and patches and looks like an atlas, hence the
name geographical tongue. McKinnon 41 explained
this to the mag. She said maybe I shouldn't be
saying this in a magazine, but she did. The Cleveland
Clinic estimates that 3 % of people worldwide
have the condition known scientifically as benign
migratory glottosis. That I I like geographical
tongue better. What about you? To be honestly,
I Misheard I misunderstood what you said The
scientific name is benign migratory I thought
you said Tongue tongue Yeah, I see I miss Yeah,
I don't know I don't have a clue what you're
talking about now Okay That that approximation
may be an undercut the clinic noted because patients
don't always seek medical care Because it may
be more than 3 % of people, but did you get it?
Geographical tongue is called that Not the scientific
name, but it's called that because your tongue
sheds and patches and it makes it look like an
atlas Okay, do you get the gist of it now and
this lady? Saturday Night Live Kate McKinnon
was talking about it and came forth with it.
What it really looks like is if a person forgets
to brush their tongue and they get that slimy
build up on their tongue, this condition looks
gross is what she said. Small bumps called papillae
probably papillae cover the tongue. They help
grip food for chewing and swallowing and house
the taste buds. Normal film form papillae are
a most common type of papillae. So Kate McKinney
reveals the gross health diagnosis. These thread
-like or cone -shaped structures are on front
of two -thirds of the tongue. Geographic tongue
is the loss of normal filiform papillae, resulting
in irregular smooth and red so -called islands
surrounded by white or gray borders. these patches
can change shape and size disappear and reappear
at any time and in any place on the tongue and
if you have any questions just google image geographic
tongue or geographical tongue and you'll get
tongue as in lalala that like in your mouth tongue
so all right rob yeah i thought you were talking
about the weight time that's what i heard was
time Okay Well, I'm glad you said that because
here's why Some other people might have heard
ton also and being confused of them. What the
hell is he talking about? So, thank you Yeah
All right, Rob we we take this to you once again
Well, I mean I got a bunch of new sexual positions
That are covered in the new Okay, all right I
was planning on doing it on the show here after
you get done Mm -hmm. with the President's son.
He first revealed that he smoked at the White
House back in his 1988 autobiography where he
said that he was wet on the roof by an anonymous
servant at the White House. Wow No, it does not.
As a matter of fact, I think he'd do it again
if he had the opportunity, it sounds like. And
quote, he says, oh, we had a ball. That's funnier
than hell. All right, go Chip Carter. Yay. Did
you say that's his name, Chip? Yeah, Chip. OK,
Chip Carter. All right. I wonder if he's even
alive. I mean, Jimmy Carter lived to be 100.
He may not even be alive. Hey, God, real quick,
let's check it out. Yeah, Willie is. Hell, he's,
yeah, he's always gonna be alive. Okay, no, he's,
no, he's still alive. He's close to 80 years
old. Oh, no, no, no, he's 74. And his oldest
one is 77. That's who I thought it was John William
Jack Carter James Earl Chip Carter the third
74 You know what he has a ton of kids fuck it
I'm done Yeah, he was busy with June Carter was
it or Roslyn Roslyn Carter. I think okay. All
right, whatever the fuck her name was he was
busy with her That's right and Roslyn Yeah, okay.
Yep. Alrighty we will be right back with some
a new list of sexual positions that have been
accepted into the Cambridge dictionary, I believe
is what is one of the dictionaries that are like
recognized I think it might be in Cambridge,
but if I'm wrong, forgive me But these are the
new sexual positions their names and the description
that I got So we'll be right back. This here
podcast has Mark's personal stamp of approval.
The only problem is Mark likes to spit on his
stamps and he's a horrible aim. But not here
at Two Deuce Bags Microphone. Here at Two Deuce
Bags Microphone, we question everything. That's
why we have a little segment we like to call,
I call bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit.
So let's get this straight. Walmart has settled
a 45 million dollar lawsuit over alleged overcharging
customers with weight deception. Walmart claims
they had no wrongdoing. OK, let's say you're
going down a 55 mile stretch of a highway. You're
going exactly 55 miles an hour. The cop stops
you and says you are not going over the speed
limit But I'd like to write you a ticket anyhow
Would you agree to that? No fucking way. Would
you agree to that? So in my opinion Walmart is
full of shit This is a company that has allegedly
paid as little as possible for their help Notorious
for employees not given a shit now. They're innocent.
I call bullshit and the story Walmart you suck
And now you try to get people to inspect your
seat and shopping bags on the way out? I don't
pay a membership, assholes. I don't have to consent
to this bullshit. I have a simple solution. How
about I stop all trade with you? One day, you
will be an afterthought, and as soon as people
wake up, you will no longer be in existence.
Walmart, here's a big fuck you. Tomorrow morning,
while grinding your coffee beans for your double
mocha latte, remember to not get your genitals
caught in the grinder. It really hurts. who can
afford plastic surgery? Stay safe, everyone.
Jamar Chase, what in the hell did you say this
time? This idea has worked out so well for you
in the past. Just go ahead, fat mouth one of
the all -time greatest quarterbacks in the league
ever. Your quote was, without Kelsey, Mahomes
is just another Kirk Cousins with a headband.
Well then, Mr. Chase, you should know Kirk Cousins
very well. You and him have the same amount of
rings. You remind us of a little lap dog nipping
at the heels of your daddy Jam X What the hell
happened? You were the generation of change You
never wanted to be one of them at the feet spoke
for you Fuck the man fuck the system What the
hell happened? The generation of angst. The generation
of non -compliance. Is now buying a boat. You're
really fed up to kill someone dangled a dollar
near you. Great job, Xers. Everything's ruined.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee -slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien. Real hilarity.
May, every time. You put on latex gloves. Your
hands be wet. I smell bacon! No, Wade. It's just
Mark sweating. Two douchebags and microphone
on Mark here in the Kansas City area. The talk
is cheap studio. these are the new sexual positions
that actually have been admitted to a dictionary
and they um and they have a name and they have
a description in this dictionary so thanks remember
princess is here okay um will she care she's
not she's not listening i am okay um the first
one no no no go on go on go on okay I can tell
you sound quite jovial. Life is going good. Life
is going good right now. That's great to hear
Rob. I'm extremely happy for you. Helicopter.
Both partners are on their hands and knees facing
away from one another. The penetrating partner
lifts their legs off the ground and thrusts from
behind. I don't know if I can do that. That's
too much fucking work. Yeah. Yeah, that's too
much work. That's young man's game right there.
That's too much work. That's not a guy with a
fucked up shoulder in a in a in a new knee that's
not his game That's a fresh set of legs fucking
young guys. All right the next one standard Amazon
a cowgirl style position in which the standard
Amazon a cowgirl a cowgirl style position in
which the penetrating partner lies on their back
and with knees to their chest while the other
partner squats down to mount them. This again
sounds like too much work. The next one Rob is
called the pile driver. Now I might like this
one. I think this one's been around since day
one but we'll go over it just in case it's not
what we think. The receiving partner lies on
their back with legs raised and positioned over
their head allowing for a deep downward angle
penetration from the squatting or standing partner.
Yeah, that's pretty close to what I thought it
was. I got news for these youngsters. Piledriver's
been around since the din of time. Yeah, everyone
knows Piledriver. So, yeah. This next one I love
the name of it. We'll see how good it is four
on the floor Like an old stick shift four on
the floor Okay, this is four on the floor it's
a variation or reverse cowgirl where your top
partner leans forward and places their hands
on the floor for a deep stretch. The position
can offer easier access to the anus pen and,
what is it, perineum. Who comes up with this
shit? I'll tell her after we get off the show.
Reverse cowgirl, hands on the floor. Rob, I'm
glad you're marrying her. I was going to tell
you to if I heard that. Good job, Rob. Good job.
Keep her. This next one is called a pretzel dip.
I think this is another one that, like, it's
a young man's game. It's stuff like, you know,
people that hurt that, you know... Yeah, there's
not enough ibuprofen in the whole world to cover
this, so, for me. Uh, one partner lies on their
side with their top leg spread or wrapped around
their partner's waist. The other partner faces
them and straddles their bottom leg to penetrate.
Yep. Alright, the next one is called a ballet
partner a Stand in position where one partner
lifts and wraps a leg around the others. Oh,
no. I already do that No, that's a pretzel dip.
Oh Okay, this seems like the last one Okay. Yeah,
and this one I think is to a standard position
where one partner lifts Wraps a leg around the
other's waist or thigh for a close quick interaction.
Oh, okay. That's okay No, you're a man That's
just gonna That's kind of depends to that, you
know, did you work all day if you worked all
day? You know what you're right Yeah, you know,
forget it. Yeah, I'm out too. Yeah, forget it.
Yeah, but... The next one is... Try everything
with your clothes on in case you look bad naked.
I imagine you could improvise and, I don't know,
wear something. Don't you think, Rob? A fig leaf?
No? No. Loin cloth? No, that's it. You don't
get too fast. Okay. How about the snake? An intimate
variation of doggy style. The receiving partner
lies face down and the penetrating partner lies
on top and enters from behind. The receiving
partner can raise their hips with a pillow to
adjust the angle. That one's okay. Yeah, that
one's been around since the dawn of time also
so How about a coat all alignment technique also
known as cat an Intimate variation on the missionary
position uses a rocking or grinding motion for
constant stimulation the penetrated partner rests
higher up on and on the other to bring their
pubic bones into alignment. Sorry, I completely
fucked that up, so let me do that again. The
Coetal Alignment Technique, also known as CAP,
the intimate variation on the missionary position
uses a rocking or grinding motion for consistent
stimulation. The penetrative partner rests higher
up on the other to bring their pubic bones into
alignment. Nope, too much work. Okay, this is
group or multi -person Possessions, okay? So
like if you got something crazy going on downstairs
or something these are the ones you turn to all
right The Eiffel Tower. Oh, I know this one the
Eiffel Tower. I think you do too, right? A threesome
position where one person is on all fours and
two partners stand behind and in front of them
the second partner performs oral sex while the
third penetrates from behind yeah and then they
they kind of meet up in the air and make it look
like an eiffel tower oh okay yeah yeah yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah yeah that's that's the dawn of
time too and i think it's been called the eiffel
tower yeah yeah uh the next one is the pisces
A variation of 69 in which one partner sits on
a bed and holds the other partner who is inverted
and being given oral sex. The upside down partner
wraps her legs around the sitting partner's head.
No, not for me. You? I'm out on that one. I am
a Pisces. Do you think you can do the Pisces?
This is a special mention. There's two of them
that aren't actually in the dictionary, but they
are recognized as a position because they're
very popular. The bridge. The receiving partner
lies on her back with her feet flat, lifting
their hips into a bridge pose. The Penetrating
Partner enters from above. The position has been
a top search term in 2025. So the bridge is something
people are looking at. Yeah, the bridge has been
a long time. Yeah, I didn't know it's called
the bridge. But I mean, yeah, it's been around
since day one. Yeah, well, that's what I'm calling
now that you called it that. Okay, here's here's
this is the last one. I love the name of this.
It's called a full Nelson. I think I got an idea.
We all know what a full Nelson is, right? Okay
a dominant position where the receivers partners
arms are pinned above their head Yeah, that's
been around since the dawn of time also, but
you know what cool. I'm glad it's getting mentioned
Yeah, yeah, yeah that just happens during the
course of and nobody really had a name for it
before right Rob, we turn to you if you got something
or if you're tired, I understand and we can end
it. No, I got one more here I want to talk about.
All right. Uh, the poo universe. The what universe?
Is it poo? Is it, when is it poo? Oh, okay. Okay.
You're going to get to where I'm going here.
Okay. Okay, and it looks like your next nightmare
a Nightmare on Elm Street legend Robert England
is voicing the cricket cricket in the upcoming
war movie Pinocchio on string this would be wrong.
This would be Freddy Krueger the guy that plays
Freddy Krueger Okay. Nice. Oh, and you can get
the pic on Twitter. Just saying. OK. I ain't
gonna read the whole thing. OK, cool. What jumps
out in these images is how aggressively anti
-cute the design goes. Hmm. Okay, okay all the
fairy tale movies that have turned into Like
horror movies, uh -huh, there's a whole Line
of them. Yeah, the movie universe the win is
a movie. It was pretty gruesome It's like the
Winnie the Pooh one that was a horror movie.
This is with that line of movies. Yeah, I gotcha.
Okay, and now it's Pinocchio. Okay. And Robert
Engle plays Jiminy Crooked. That's cool. Yeah.
Alright. That's gonna be cool. Yeah, it will
be. I'd like to watch it. Thank you, Rob. All
right. Hi, Albuquerque. Hi, Hicksville. Hi, Grandma
Opal. Hi, Jimmy. Ricky, every fucking buddy.
Love you guys. Thank you for listening. Good
night, assholes. Thank you for listening, everybody.
Especially Grandma Opal. Yep. Love you guys.
Good night, assholes. Oh, no. Looks like the
show's over, kids. Mark has explosive diarrhea
and can't afford a wireless mic. Fear not, assholes.
They'll be back invading your ear holes soon.