Hey, you fucking derelicts. It's time for the
Daily Douchebag Pledge. I, Joe or Jane Listener,
hereby promise to download the show. I, Joe or
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hereby promise to make other people listen. I,
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Listener, promise to make all my family members
listen and recite the daily douchebag pledge.
And finally, I, Joe or Jane Listener, hereby
promise to make the trek to Knobloch, Missouri,
just to have a selfie with the Knobloch sign.
Here at Two Douchebags and a Microphone, we don't
stand behind our journalistic integrity. Go ahead
and assume we got the story wrong. At least we
admit it. Not like all those other guys. We can
and will lie if it makes the story better. Two
douchebags and a microphone. Oh man, what the
fuck is this? Is this a new feature? What's inside
Mark's head? Sounds stupid to me. If you took
my first name backwards, it would read as cram.
So you want proof that we love you here at QD
Spades and Microfilm Central? Here's a proof
right here about the drink of the week. Hey there,
you little snack cakes. This is Norwegian's Best
Drinks. Norwegian Cruise Lime has long been known
as one of the best drink makers on the high seas,
if not the best. In this drink, it's no different.
It's one of the most popular, and it's really
good. A smoked peach margarita. It involves one
ounce of 1800 silver tequila, one half ounce
of mezcal, a quarter ounce of triple sec, half
ounce of organic agave, half ounce of peach puree,
and one half ounces of fresh wine juice. Garnish
with hibiscus salt on the rim and dried blood
orange slices on the rim. Add all ingredients
and shake. And don't be bashful. Shake like nuts.
And then... Put it in a glass with crushed ice
and enjoy. You watched the news. It looks grim.
Is an apocalypse inevitable? We suggest you download
all our podcasts beforehand and have multiple
mobile chargers. We have the most apocalypse.
Who may die from plants are essential. The dyes
can be used to mark locations on trees, even
to color clothing or to be laid out to where
footprints or paw prints could be left. The dye
can be placed on the ground around the perimeter
of your dwelling, so if you have to leave, evidence
will be present to assess the situation. Hey,
my little pumpkin seeds. This is Johnny Rohypnol
with your music news. Ozzy Osbourne in collaboration
with Liquid Death sold 10 empty crushed ice tea
cans containing his DNA for $450 each. The cans
are part of a promotion called Infinitely Recyclable
Ozzy. They have since sold out. The cans were
sealed in lab jars and contain a sample of Ozzy's
saliva. This is Johnny Rohypnol. That was your
music news. And remember, bar chords are bullshit.
And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark. Should I record
frog sounds in the summer, then play them when
it's zero degrees on my ring doorbell for the
Amazon guy? Hmm. Yeah, that sounds like fun.
Ah! Two douchebags and microphone. I'm here,
Mark, in the Kansas City area at the Talk is
Cheap studio. And I am Rob at the beautiful Niagara
Arm of Lake of the Ozarks in the Duck Blind studio.
All right, Rob. Well, okay, first off, while
I'm thinking about it, Topher and I are going
to go see Jerry Cantrell Sunday night, so can
we postpone? I'll have a full report, so can
we do the Sunday night one Monday night? Actually,
that will work good for me. Okay, guys, just
so everybody knows, our schedule is going to
be a little juggled right now, and me and Mark
did make the agreement that Tuesday night is
moving to Wednesday night. But last night I had
a massage, so it had to be postponed until tonight,
Thursday night. Sorry. Oh, no, no, no. Never
mind. I didn't need a massage the last night.
All right. Cool. And anyhow, well, I'm glad that's
going well. Yeah, you're doing great. Okay, good.
So anyhow, we're going to go see Jerry Cantrell.
The funny thing is, I got us really good tickets.
They're on the floor in the middle. So, like
I was telling Topher, I said, you know, if a
mosh pit breaks out, we're dead. Oh, yeah, we're
too old for mosh pits. We're too old for this
shit. We're both dead. That's it. They're carrying
us out in body bags. That's it. So, I told him,
I said, you know, I'd have nothing against crowd
surfing except what if someone fucking checks
your oil? What can you do? You're up there helpless.
Yeah. Yeah, you're fucked. Yeah, so I don't want
to body surf either. Yeah, because... Well, you
don't have the cardio you used to have, so you
can't breathe as well. So if somebody elbows
you, you're fucked, dude. Yeah, or if you fall.
Oh, my God. Once you hit your 50s, you're down.
You know, I'm always a split second away from
separating my left shoulder. Oh, definitely.
Always. It's always there. It's always a possibility
anymore. It's like, well, a lot of things could
happen, including separating my shoulder, because
it happens a lot. So, anyhow. So, it ought to
be a great show, and we're going to have a full
report Monday night. So, it ought to be pretty
cool. So this is going to be the first concert
Topher and I went to together since several years
ago. We went to see Deep Purple and Alice Cooper
open up for Deep Purple in St. Louis, and we
had a really good time there, and that was a
great concert. So we expect this to be the same,
and that'll be a good concert. Also, it didn't
look like it was selling too well, but now it
looks like they kind of like... Since we're getting
closer to the date that people are starting to
pick up tickets like I did, you know? Yeah, yeah.
So, anymore, I wait till later because I'm not
sure if a damn thing's going to go off or not.
You know? They don't sell enough. You're talking
about Steve Miller last podcast. Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah. I was going to buy tickets the day
after. I'd already planned it. I was getting
my paycheck. I was buying the tickets. cancel
this whole tour the day before. Over hot weather,
tsunamis, bullshit. We already discussed it.
Low ticket prices, but dude, if you would have
given me another day, you would have had two
more tickets. Yeah, Steve Miller, what the fuck.
Yeah, and I've been wanting to see you all my
life. That's right, Steve Miller. We hope you're
fucking happy. I'm always going to love his music.
Now, personally, we're going to have disagreements.
Oh, he's kind of surly. He's kind of surly. I've
heard enough of him. He's starting to look like
the Eagles. He's starting to look like the Eagles.
Yes, I agree. So, anyhow, let's see. What the
hell is I going to say now? Yeah, he's looking
like the Eagles, definitely. And I don't know
how much tickets were. Tickets were pretty high
priced. Is that it? No, no. They were decently
priced. That's what got me. I had the money.
I was going to buy it. But he canceled his tour.
I'm like, what's up, man? But no, it's... Did
he say why? Well, yeah, it's because of the excessive
heat. And everybody called bullshit on us. So,
in other words, it wasn't selling. No, exactly.
But if he would have waited a day, he would have
had two more tickets. Two more tickets, Steve
Miller. Did he got that, Steve Miller? He could
have sold the tour. Wow. Oh, well, you know what?
That's right, Steve Miller. You did not get the
pleasure of playing in front of Rob. And he's
a fellow douchebag. Yeah, but nope, nope, nope,
nope. Had to call it all off because of tsunamis,
hot weather, and jock itch. Which last time sat
next to the cameraman at the last concert. Yeah,
that was, yeah, those are daredevils. Yeah, I
wanted to unplug the cameras. That was funny.
I couldn't. That would have been funny. It was
Kentucky Headhunters. Yeah, Kentucky Headhunters.
Yeah. Okay. And before Kentucky Headhunters,
what was that actually opened the show was the
new female vocalist for Ozark Mountain Daredevils.
about that. I looked up some of her stuff on
the internet. She's very good. Oh, very, very.
Oh, that's good. Well, Walmart, my battle with
Walmart rages on, Rob. It always will. Everybody's
battle with Walmart rages. Well, I was walking
over yesterday, right, and I already decided
I was going to be civil and not give the old
man trying to check my bags too much shit, right?
Because I got to thinking, he's just an old man.
And he's just trying to do his job that they
told him to. So I was like, you know what, I'm
going to mellow out, and I'm going to be nice
to him, and I'll let him look at my, you know,
just because I felt like I was a little heavy
on him, you know, and I probably didn't need
to be, you know. So I walked by, and the first
thing he says when I'm walking in the front door
there, did you download the Walmart app? Well,
I was going to be nice until that statement.
I thought, okay, you motherfucker. I'm like,
you bitch. You already fucking jumped up my ass
for downloading your app so I can show you my
receipt on my phone, which I'm never going to
do. And I'm like, fuck. I was trying to show
compassion and everything. And then he snips
off to me like that. So I'm like, all right.
So I'm zipping through the store, grabbing my
shit for the upcoming work week. You know how
it is, Rob. You know, you got to get all your
stuff and get ready for the work week and all
that. I get this fantastically evil idea only
because of the smart -ass comment about the Walmart
app. Because last time when I told him, I said,
you know, I said I had my receipt emailed to
me. He goes, well, you can get it on your phone
through the app. And I said, yeah, but I'm not
going to. And I walked off. So then when I walked
in, he continued that and said, did you download
the Walmart app? I'm like, oh, you motherfucker.
And like I said, I was feeling bad and was going
to show some compassion. So I built this self
-checkout specifically for this reason, Rob.
I used five bags on each stack of items. I tied
them up very tight in different areas. I'd do
one one way, and then I'd take it, and I would
wrap it in another bag, and I'd tie it up the
opposite way. Then I'd take another bag, And
I would tie it up the opposite way to where you
can't see anything inside the bag and you can't
open it up because it's so tight. So I went through
there and the old man's looking at me and I look
at him and I go, don't touch my shit. I got everything
perfect the way I want it. Don't touch my shit.
He looks at me. I go, yeah, that right there.
Don't fucking touch it. He sits there, and he
looks at it. He looks at it. He looks at it.
He looks at me. I go, are you good now? Yeah,
I guess. I fucking walk off. Well, all I got
to say is, Mark, you have always been the king
of fucking with people, and it sounds like you
still are. Yeah, well, like I said, I went in
there feeling a little compassion and everything.
Yesterday was a rough day in American history,
definitely. Yeah. But this is before that happened
and everything. You know, I was just kind of
like feeling like, you know, there's too much
anger in the world, which I was right, you know,
because of events that happened. Oh, I had a
good day yesterday, so. Oh, well, I had a good
day, too. So, I mean, but. Well, yeah, I heard
about events and shit. I don't know who that
was. I've never listened to them. Just look them
up. It'd be easier. I know, I know, I know, but
there's nobody in me, so it ain't big in my news.
No, no, no, no, and that's fine, but what I'm
saying is I was feeling that yesterday, and what
happened is I was feeling that for a reason.
I was feeling like, you know, there's too much
hate going on and too many people that are unaccepted
of other views and beliefs and all that. And
then look what? Yeah, and I was right. It just
so bad bounced off to me. Fuck you. Yeah, I was
like, all right, bitch. Because he just started
in on me. It was like he was waiting those fucking
seven days just for me to walk through the door
so he could snip that at me. It's kind of like,
ha ha, I got him. I got him. I'm like, okay,
all right, we'll see if you got me. Oh, he don't
know you. Fuck, you're the master of all. Yeah,
oh yeah. If there is some fucking with someone
to be done, he ain't shit. He ain't shit. Yeah.
I don't know if I'm going to hear from him again
because he was just perplexed. He didn't know
what to do with these bags wrapped around each
other with the items inside. Because I told him,
I said, don't touch my shit. I said, I got it
just how I want it. Don't touch it. And he was
kind of like, hmm. Kind of gauging my reaction.
I'm just sitting there looking like, no, not
today. Don't touch my shit. And he didn't. Do
you know what a busker is? No. B -U -S -K -E
-R. It's a person who performs in public, usually
for money. They have tip jars, you know. Okay,
okay, okay. Yeah, yeah, you've seen them before.
I just didn't know they gave them a thing. Yeah,
it's called the Busker, and some of them are
even booked, like in Nashville. They pay them
to play street corners for the flavor at Lower
Broadway. You know, they pay people that are
good to just play there. Some people are like
over there waiting for, I don't know, a bus or
whatever, or a cab or whatever, and the guy's
playing. You throw him a couple bucks, go, man,
that's pretty good music. Well, they do this
in New Orleans a lot, right? Buskers are all
over Bourbon Street, Decatur, as well as the
other high tourist area in New Orleans. I mean,
they're everywhere. Bruce Dickinson's spontaneous
singing with a busker in New Orleans was a powerful
moment that showcased the enduring spirit of
metal music, Rob. The performance of Judas Priest,
You've Got Another Thing Comin' by Dickinson
and a busker was a testament to the camaraderie
between two legendary metal bands and the passion
for live music. Captured by Dickinson's wife,
Leanna Dolce, highlights the unique and often
unscripted nature of street performances where
musicians and fans come together to create unforgettable
experiences. You can go to YouTube and watch
it if you choose. It's really good. The busker
is sitting there, you know, and he saw Bruce
Dickinson, and the busker is obviously a hard
rock, heavy metal fan. He started playing. You
got another thing coming. And Bruce Dickinson
started singing with it. And they both sounded
really good together, Rob. It was really good
music. All right. Sounds good. Yep. And anyhow,
a man accidentally spills deadly cobras and is
bitten at his apartment, South Dakota cops say.
A South Dakota man was bitten by a highly venomous
and illegal snake in his apartment after accidentally
setting it loose, officials say. Wait, we have
our own snake stories. We have our own snake
stories. Go ahead. Okay. Our friend Mike, his
dad used to collect snakes, and he had a timber
rattler, I believe it was. Really, really mean
guy. I mean, you know, he hated us. And my brother
and I, and probably you too, I can't remember.
You were probably there also, I would imagine,
by the way you're laughing. I never, I didn't,
no, no, no. We went over there that night, one
night, and they said there were snakes in the
house. I did not enter the house. I do not like
snakes. Okay, okay. I used to go over there and
smack the aquarium, terrarium, whatever, terrarium,
smack it around just to piss the animal off,
right? And, well, Mike said they had extremely
great memories, and they were very vengeful.
When we were doing that, that snake the whole
time was planning on sneaking out and biting
us, right? So we come in there that one day.
I think Mike was looking for his weed. He hid
it around the house somewhere. He's like, shit,
I don't know where it's at. And then all of a
sudden, he just stops. He looks at me and my
brother. He goes, stop right there. Don't move.
Serious, don't move. You don't hear that. You
don't hear that shaking, do you, from the rattlesnake?
No. You know why you don't hear that? Because
he's hiding and he's waiting to fucking get you.
He knows you two are fucking with him and he's
waiting for you. And he was serious too. He wasn't
just saying that. Rattlesnakes are like that.
They have great memories and they don't let people
screw them with them. Anyhow, we backed out and
got the hell out of there, and we let Mike go
in there and get him because he had some way
of doing it with a pole. He watched his dad.
He went in there and threw the guy back in his
terrarium, and anyhow, we got to come back in.
Only John and I did not touch the terrarium anymore.
We were very respectful of that poor snake. But
anyhow, the Sioux Falls Police Department received
a 911 call about a snake bite Sunday, September
7th, and animal control officers were dispatched
to the scene. Animal control supervisor Patty
Beckman said during a September 9th news conference,
Beckman said the owner had three venomous snakes
inside the apartment, including an eastern diamondback
rattlesnake and a pair of African forest cobras.
Jeez. Oh, damn. One thing. One thing. Okay. First
up. Here's my problem with the whole thing. Okay.
stretching it, but a cobra's like, uh -uh. No.
Uh -huh. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. I love
the rattlesnake cobra. That cobra? Uh -uh. No.
You should not have a cobra in an apartment.
End of story. I live in an apartment. I know.
Animal control officers say the rattlesnake was
secured in a glass enclosure, but the two cobras
had been inside plastic totes, which were knocked
over. They were knocked over. over, spilling
them onto the floor, Beckman said. The owner
stepped on one of the cobras, which then bit
him. She had it. Oh, you think? Yeah, I would
think it would bite him, yeah. Okay, okay. Now
me, I would have the brown steak in the tote
and the cobras in the glass. Yes, yeah. It seems
to me like the winner. I'm not even a snake enthusiast,
but I know better than that. Oh, shit. And cobras
are mean as hell, too. I mean, rattlesnakes will
try to get out of your way generally. Well, I'm
not sure about a diamondback. But timber rattlers
will try to get out of your way. They don't like
dealing with humans. And that's how come they
freak out. Every now and then, like a developer
will hit a nest of them. They'll hit a den of
rattlesnakes. And the rattlesnakes freak out.
They start running in all different directions
and stuff. And that's because they don't like
to be near people. You know, so they're not,
they're aggressive. Yeah, if you're near them
and you're walking and you're going to step on
them or you appear to be ready to step on them,
yeah, of course, they're going to defend themselves.
But it's not their nature to come towards a person
and try to get them. Like a cottonmouth or something.
A cottonmouth will come right after you just
because they don't like you. So, the man was
taken to the hospital for treatment. Beckman
said as of September 9th, she did not know what
his condition was except being an idiot. That
was his condition. The forest cobra is the largest
true cobra species in Africa. It can grow up
to 10 feet long in the wild, according to naturalists.
They are generally timid and human encounters
are rare. As a result, clinical experience with
these species have been very sparse. However,
it is among the most venomous of the true cobras,
and the mortality rate is high on these types
of snakes. So, I don't know. The guy that had
the snake, they didn't know. The lady didn't
know. She had no way of knowing. So, he might
have died. Who knows? He was taken to the hospital
for treatment, and that's the last that she knew,
and that's the last of the article. So. All right.
Yeah. Anyhow, I got more, but, you know, let's
go to you, Rob. What do you got? All right. I
got a reunion tour. Nice, I think. Yeah. Oh,
no, it is nice. You're going to love this. Okay.
Social media announced that lead singer Dee Snider,
guitarist J .J. French, and Eddie Ojeda, which
were original members. Who's going to drum? The
drummer died. Now listen. Okay. Bassist Russell
Zuto. I don't know who he is. He's not the original.
The bassist must have quit, I guess, or doesn't
play music anymore. I forgot the name of the
bassist, damn it. Okay, give me a second. I'll
put the screen here because I've got the story
here on him. Okay, sorry. It was Mark Mendoza.
That's it. Irreconcilable differences. Okay.
Okay. All right. So they hang each other. That's
all right. That's cool. And leave it at that.
Snyder told host Eddie Trunk on Wednesday. Okay.
Okay. Masuto has been Dee Schneider's player
on his last two albums. Oh, on his solo stuff.
Okay. Very cool. Yeah. Killing two birds with
one stone. Awesome. Good job. Well, that gives
the whole story. You know what? I hope I downloaded
emails. I can't remember whether I did or not.
Well. I don't know if I want to hear from Mitch
or not. I'm not even sure if he emailed this,
actually. I can't remember. He's probably. He
probably is. All right, well, let's come right
back, and if I have the emails, I will. If not,
I'll try to bring them up on the computer. All
right. We'll do what we can. Yep, that's right.
All right, we'll talk to everybody in a little
bit. The term midget originated in the 19th century
derived from midge, a small insect, plus suffix
et. There you have midget. Initially, it referred
to a small proportionate person, sometimes used
in entertainment world. However, in association
with freak shows and public displays of people
with dwarfism, led to term becoming widely considered
derogatory and offensive. Today, organizations
like Little People of America advocate the words
removal from common usage with little person
or person with dwarfism being preferred. Like
we give a shit. Your mama's so fat. When she
was floating in the ocean, Spain claimed her
as their new territory. Ms. Gulkenstein was tired
of Mark and Toe for making sport of her. Little
did the douchebags know Ms. Gulkenstein was a
voodoo high priestess when she was younger. She
grew angry and cast a spell on Rob, changing
Rob into a capuchin monkey. Mark took Rob to
a local zoo so he could be with the other monkeys.
Here are the adventures of Rob. The capuchin
monkey. Shh, be very quiet. We're going to listen
in as Rob the capuchin monkey tries to sell the
rest of the capuchin monkey's amway. Rob has
always dreamed of becoming a diamond status amway
as a capuchin monkey. Little did our hero Rob
know. All the great apes owned stock in Sam's
Club and became violently pissed off when he
tried to infringe on their territory. They promptly
grabbed switches and beat his ass for three days
straight. Rob could not sit down. Tomorrow morning,
while grinding your coffee beans for your double
mocha latte, remember to not get your genitals
caught in the grinder. It really hurts. Who can
afford plastic surgery? Stay safe, everyone.
Oh, shit. What's that over there? Oh, no. It's
an island of horrible jokes. It's easy to convince
ladies not to eat tied pods. It's harder to deter
gents. Hello, this is Satan. You might know me
from my pet name, Inflation. I'm here to tell
you that there's no better way to relax than
listening to two douchebags in a microphone by
a nice warm fire at night. I sit there and I
reflect on all the souls I burned that day. Enjoy.
This is Joshua Belmont, your food for thought
man on the hustle. So I just realized a genius
that gets absolutely no credit. His name is Marshall
Taylor. He's credited with the first bag of salad
mix that was bagged and sold. Yesterday was his
birthday. I believe he is still alive. This guy's
genius will never be fully appreciated. Before
this man, we settled for iceberg lettuce with
maybe a couple of croutons and some cheese. Was
Mr. Taylor satisfied with that? Hell no. He realized
that Billy Americana would never go out and buy
a couple of radishes, a couple of carrots, a
head of purple cabbage, maybe snow peas, and
possibly some cute romaine lettuce for extra
bougie. Mr. Taylor, you should have a national
holiday. Have you ever wondered what something
came about? Have you ever looked at something
and said, I wonder what the origin of that is?
Well, so have we. That's why we give you the
origin of. This is the origin of the Big Mac.
The original Big Mac sauce was created in 1968
at a McDonald's in Pittsburgh by a franchise
owner named Jim Delegati to serve with the Big
Mac itself. The sauce first came in two different
flavors, but then they were ultimately combined
by McDonald's head honcho Ray Kroc in 1972 in
order to ensure consistency. Sir, I see your
qualifications here. May I ask some further questions
that could help me determine your employment
eligibility? Yes, sir. I'm ready. Well, as you
can see here, we have a large population of different
ethnic backgrounds, sexuality, and ages. Are
you by chance bilingual? Well, sir, I'm not sure
why you need that kind of information, but, well,
it was only one time in summer camp. I considered
it experimental. and microphone on Mark here
in the Kansas City area at the Talk is Cheap
studio. And I am Rob at the beautiful Magwell
Arm of Lake of the Ozarks at the Doug Blind studio.
Well, I found some emails, Rob, and yes, it does
appear like Mitch did write something down and
send it to us. Oh, fuck. He's pissed, I know.
We'll get to her in a minute. Alright. Go right
ahead. Mark, I haven't heard the show cat lately.
Is it still around? Marsha and St. Pete. Yes.
Madre is still around. She just sometimes we
put her in the back room so we don't have to
hear her constantly scream at us. But no, she's
still around and she's hanging in there tough.
She's all 18, 19 years old. There for a little
while she would become a part of the show. We'll
gladly have her back on. I mean, like we were
saying before, we need all the help we can get,
right? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so. Why not? Yeah, we'll
give her a mic. We'll mic her up. Hell yeah.
Yeah. All right. Well, like I said, I have princess
here, but she's like, wow, she's had hell now.
Yes. Yep. I know. Nope, nope. Not touching that
filth, right? Nope. That's all you. Yep. Go ahead.
Be my guest. All right. Mark and Rob, you guys
have spoken several times about Nuno Betancourt.
Will you guys put him in your top five guitarists
ever? Just curious. He's always been my favorite.
Lonnie in Louisville. First off, in Louisville,
huh? Okay, Lonnie. Have you tried Mama's Mustard
Pickles and Mama's Barbecue and Salt Food? If
you have, write me back. Because I was going
to go there and then a bunch of shit happened.
So we had to get to the airport and I never got
a chance to try Mama's Mustard Pickles. They
look incredible. So, you know who Ben Cordes?
Yeah. Yeah, he might be my favorite guitarist
right now. I don't know of all time, but... Rob?
Okay, my opinion? Yeah. have to say he's like
5 or 6. He's right borderline on my top 5. Okay.
It's only because there's so many others. But
no, he's there. He's right on line on my top
5. 5 or 6. So I would have to definitely sit
down and give that consideration. Okay. Alright,
and next we have Mark. Do you remember a Cola
7 -Up came out with in the 80s briefly named
Like Cola? Johnny and O .P. Rob, do you remember?
I do. Yeah, yeah, I remember Like Cola. Hey,
hang on, hang on. Let's let one guy tell everybody
about Like Cola. Does that sound good? Hey, sounds
great. Come on over here, guy. Um, yeah. This
is the new guy, and I think they wanted me to
explain Light Cola or some shit like that. Light
Cola was a short -lived caffeine -free cola introduced
by 7 -Up Company in 1982 to compete with major
brands like Coca -Cola and Pepsi. Featuring the
slogan, Made from the Cola Nut. Despite a successful
launch with low caffeine offering, the brand
was eventually discontinued to low sales in competition
for more established colas. The brand was ultimately
discontinued, likely due to poor sales and strong
competition from Coca -Cola and Pepsi. The brand
was last advertised in 1996. There you go. I
need a new fucking job. All right, Robin, like
you've asked. Yes. Okay. Yeah, Mitch did reply.
All right. Rob, we here at Lake Freeman have
decided to give you one last chance to redeem
yourself. We're about to pull all five of our
downloaders here in the Freeman area. Rob, we
just request that you do a book signing in your
loincloth with photo opportunities for all the
fans. That's right, all five of them. Mitch and
Lake Freeman Banker at the Dunk the Duck Tank.
We now even have a duck wine made with wintergreen
flavor. They even have a duck wine, Rob. Wintergreen.
Wintergreen. Too bad I gave up chewing over a
year ago. That's what I thought. I think it was
a salute to chewing. That's why I said wintergreen.
soil speedway. Oh, yeah. He knows. Which will
be rattling my dining room windows. I already
have proof of it. It's going to be interesting.
Yeah, like three minutes. You know what? Yeah.
Well, it depends on what week it is. Get with
me on the week. There you go, Mitch. You have
a new fresh start, so don't blow it. Because
in the end, I'm going to beat your ass because
I'm going to be at Lucas Oil. I'll do a live
show from Lucas Oil. Oh, boy. Boy, you know,
Mitch's ass was already burning, but it's even
worse now. I love you, Mitch. I know. He hates
me, so I hate him. Fuck off, Mitch. Idiot. All
right. Mark, you're insane. The trim Italian
story had me dying with laughter. I feel sorry
for you. That's true. That's true. I know. I've
known Mark since 1985, but he's always called
his Italians. Yeah. Only now I get drunk on getaways
and vacations, and I'm in my bubble bath demanding
my Italians be trimmed properly. Went on to say,
I feel sorry for your wife, Jenny, in Ottawa.
I guess, I don't know, Ottawa, Kansas, Ottawa,
wherever. Yeah, a lot of people probably feel
sorry for Val. Probably not just you. Oh, I do.
See? And finally, you know this is coming up,
Rob. You know this is coming up. Mark, I need
your homemade blueberry jam recipe pronto. company
coming over Christmas and would love to have
some ready for my family and guests. Willie in
Tucson. Oh, I thought you were going to say Willie
Montrose. No, I wondered if it's the same guy.
No, it's Tucson. Okay. Well, that's what I was
thinking. It's Willie. You say Willie. I thought
you were going to say Montrose. Let's go Tucson.
Okay, Tucson. You know what? Innocent until proven
guilty. So, yeah, okay. We believe you're from
Tucson, Willie. You just have the same name as
Willie from Montrose. So, okay, Willie. Yeah,
I have a special thing that I do. It's called
Smuckers. Yeah. And you can find it at grocery
stores all over. And here's the secret, okay?
When you open it up, take a spoon and take some
of that jam out and put it on whatever you want.
That's the secret to having good jam. No, no,
no, no, no, no, no. The true secret is take that
spoon and stir the whole jar up first. Oh, you
see, I tell everybody to ask you, Rob, you know
more. I tell everybody to ask you. Yeah, stir
that jar up first. There you go, stir the jar.
It's a true flavor that way. Mm -hmm. So, and
you don't have to have smuckers. I was saying
that for effect. You can always say what you
feel like. I don't care. Yeah, whatever bread.
Whatever floats your boat. Whatever you can afford.
Whatever you can afford. The world is yours.
The world is yours. You can do whatever kind
you want. But the main thing is to open the lid
and to administer the spoon, right? Would you
say that's the main key ingredient? Yes, yeah.
The spoon is the main ingredient because you've
got to mix it all up. Yeah, yeah. And also...
You have to be careful opening it up, too. Get
that lead taste going. Yes, yes. And be careful
opening it so you don't drop any, okay? Rob,
I feel like we did very well explaining this,
don't you? Yes, we did, yeah. Okay, as a matter
of fact, that is all of the emails. So, Rob,
we turn it to you. Willie. Okay. Wow. Wow. Yeah,
the Hellfire Whistle. video because wasn't that
one of Trump's campaign promises is JFK files,
all Area 51, all the UFO files were going to
become public? That was interesting for sure.
All right, let's take our second break, and we're
going to come right back. I've got an interesting
story from Spain. All right. Now it's time for
Pickup Lines from a Loser. Can you take me to
the hospital? I just broke my leg falling for
you. Strange, but true. Family guy creator Seth
MacFarlane missed American Airlines flight 11
on September 11, 2001. Didn't you lay a hangover?
He later found out when he woke up that the plane
was hijacked and crashed. Two douchebags and
microphone in an effort to keep everything fresh.
We offer you first world problems Damn it. The
city services website is down again. I Can't
believe this. I'm gonna have to actually call
and talk to someone to pay my damn trash bill
This is ridiculous Echokinesis? Where's my hand?
That needs to happen. Jammed X. What the hell
happened? You were the generation of change.
You never wanted to be one of them. At the feet.
Spoke for you. Fuck the man. Fuck the system.
A generation of angst. A generation of non -compliance.
Is now buying a boat? You're really fed up to
kill someone who dangled a dollar near you. Great
job, Xers. Everything's ruined. Yes, it's true.
Mark is an old bastard. It's also true that Mark
uses a lot of ibuprofen. But Mark would like
to tell you, if you see any pictures of him roofing
ibuprofen, It's obviously fake, and you're to
take the pictures and tear them up immediately.
And now we look in on the adventures of the technical
explanation guy. Excuse me, my dear sir. Could
you please put my plain bread in a small countertop
appliance with heating elements that would spring
-loaded and would brown my bread adequately?
Well, first off, I'm not a waiter. I'm just a
guy over there sitting at the table having a
drink. Second off, are you talking about someone
toasting your bread? Well, yes. Yes, I am. I'm
talking about my bread being toasted. Then why
don't you just ask for your bread to be toasted,
you dumb bastard? What the hell's wrong with
you? I've got an interesting article here from
Spain, like I said a little bit ago. A customer
at La Posta's Cafe Bar in Palacios, Spain, became
enraged on August 20th when he asked for mayonnaise
on his sandwich and he was told the restaurant
didn't have any mayonnaise or any ketchup. The
mayor reported that surveillance video from the
restaurant shows a 50 -year -old man leaving
the establishment. and returning a few minutes
later after visiting a gas station nearby. He
asked waiters again if they had any mayonnaise.
Then sprayed the bar with fuel and set it on
fire. Did you hear that, Rob? Yeah. Yeah. So,
because they didn't have mayo, he went and he
bought some gas from this nearby station, came
back, sprayed the whole bar with this, and lit
it on fire. Customers ran for safety and the
blaze caused about $8 ,200 worth of damage. There's
no explanation for what happened. It was awful,
said cafe owner Jose Antonio Caballero. The unnamed
customer was arrested in a nearby square and
taken to a health center for burns on his left
arm. Should we get an ass paddling? Yeah. Put
him on a list. Put him on a list. Yeah. Yeah.
Anyhow, that's the end of that story. Just some
fucking goofball lighting a bar on fire because
he didn't have mayo. So we turn it to you, Rob.
All right. I got some sad news. Oh, no. screen
and stage actor who turned the catchphrase kiss
my grits into a national into a national retort
as the gum chewing beehive wearing waitress aboard
the long running CBS sitcom Alice has died Alice
ran from 1976 to 1985, but Holiday had turned
into such a star that the network gave her her
own short -lived spinoff called Flow in 1980.
It lasted a year. I remember that. they were
characters on a different show, and it doesn't
seem to work. Like the Ropers, remember them?
I mean, there's been a few of them, like Frasier,
that's worked out and stuff like that. Well,
that was after the show ended. Flo came out in
1980, and Alice was 76 to 85. So Flo came out
in 1980. She was actually still a waitress, too,
on. I believe it. So, yeah, it was all, yeah,
that was all, yeah. Before, yeah, I've never
heard Kiss My Grits. Have you? No, no. Yeah,
no. Not, not, not until that show. Okay, well,
that's, damn it. Flo's gone too. She was a great
actress. Yeah, she was. She was a great actress.
Didn't Alice, the lady that played Alice, die
a couple years ago, I think? Yeah, yeah, it was
Linda. Oh, it was last year. Okay. Yeah, it was
last year. And then Mel, the cook, the owner
of the diner, he passed away a long time ago.
Oh, God, what was his name? Can't think of his
name. Shit. No, it's right there. Anyway. Oh,
well. All right, well, I got a little story here.
In Indianapolis, I'm sorry, I didn't say that
right. In Indianapolis, based bankruptcy attorney
Mark S. Zuckerberg is suing Meta. The company
of Mark E. Zuckerberg, because the former Facebook
page keeps getting shut down. Yeah. Mark E. Zuckerberg
owns Meta and Facebook. Mark S. Zuckerberg is
an Indianapolis based bankruptcy attorney, okay?
So, the Facebook page keeps getting shut down,
WTHR -TV reported on September 4th. It's not
funny, the attorney said. Meta's been accusing
him of impersonating a celebrity and using a
false name, which I've had way longer than he
has because I'm much older, he said. I'd rather
not pick a fight with him, but I don't know how
else to make them stop. He said his business
account has been removed five times and his personal
account four times. It's not right, and they
need to stop, he said. And so they have. Meta
confirmed that Zuckerberg's account is back up
after being disabled in error. So they got it
taken care of, but the guy had like a couple
years of bullshit there because they thought
this guy's name is Mark Zuckerberg. Also, they
thought that he was trying to impersonate the
owner and creator of Meta. Yeah. Well, that's
kind of like me and my son. We have the same
first name and last name, but we have different
middle names. So, yeah. Yeah, the whole gender
thing, I've never done that. I get that, yeah.
The third, the fourth. Well, I don't like my
middle name, so that's why they... Oh. I don't
think... You know what? I don't think I know
your middle name. Good. Okay. All right. No,
I'm not asking for it. No, no, no, Mark. We'll
just say my middle name is totally opposite of
my personality. We'll just leave it at that.
Let's see. Is it Garbazzo? No. Hitolina? No.
Safford? personality. Okay. Boring? Slow? I don't
know. It would be opposite of your personality.
Well... Oh, well. That's alright. Rob, we'll
turn it to you. Alright. Country singer Brian
Martin was escorted off stage by police during
his mm -hmm I think you're right. Mm -hmm. Especially
when you hit it big. Then you got all that going.
The pressure on you. I get it. I do too. Okay.
Dairy Queen announces National Cheeseburger Day
deal. The fast food chain is offering a free
double original cheeseburger stack burger with
a dollar purchase for the informal holiday. which
falls on Thursday, September 18th. National Cheeseburger
Day celebrates one of the most popular meals
in American cuisine. Coming in sixth in YouGov's
poll of the most popular dishes in the country,
the polling firm found that as of 2024 poll,
cheese was the most popular topping for hamburgers.
I can believe that. Existing and new Dairy Q
DQ reward members. can make a purchase of a dollar
or more on the company's website or on the app
between September 15th and September 19th and
receive the free cheeseburger. Right? There you
go. There we go, Rob. We're just trained on their
app and bam, we get a freebie. Yeah. Yep. You
know what? I hate downloading these apps. But
what I do sometimes is I'll take advantage of
the free food like this. And what I'll do right
after I get it and I go to the app, you know,
and get the free cheeseburger or whatever, I
erase the app right afterwards. So. All right.
Yep. So. Hey, Rob, you got something or you want
to keep going? It's 9 .05. You're the one that
has to work early. Yeah, I got to work early
and I do have company. Well, I guess we're going
to go ahead and put this one in the books then,
right? Sorry, it's a short one, guys. We will
be back Sunday. Yep, we will. Hi, Albuquerque.
Hi, Hicksville, is it? Hicksville, Hicksville,
yes. Grandma Opal, Jimmy? Yes, definitely. Definitely
Grandma Opal and Jimmy. Yep. I haven't heard
anything. Jimmy, when you get this, send us something.
Let us know how she's doing, how you're doing,
everything. I haven't heard anything in quite
a while. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yep. If you want
to keep it personal, you can. Yeah, yeah, no,
it's fine. Yeah, it don't have to be read on
here. Yeah, yeah, just let us know, and if you
don't want us to talk about it on the air, no
big deal. We won't. Yeah, Grandma will pull this.
Oh, we're crazy about Grandma Opal, and we want
her to be okay, so we just wanted to make sure
everything's good. I would love to meet her one
day, honestly. I would, too. I think she would
be a lot of fun. Oh, my God. I think she would
be ecstatic. Yeah, I think so, too. All right,
well, everybody, thank you for listening. Have
a good night, assholes. Looks like this show's
over, kids. Mark has explosive diarrhea and can't
afford a wireless mic. Fear not, assholes. They'll
be back invading your ear holes soon.