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douchebags and a microphone. We are Jesus. Miss
Gulkenstein was tired of Markin' Toe for making
sport of her. Little did the douchebags know
Miss Gulkenstein was a voodoo high priestess
when she was younger. She grew angry. and cast
a spell on rob changing rob into a capuchin monkey
mark took rob to a local zoo so we could be with
the other monkeys here are the adventures of
rob the capuchin monkey be very quiet we're gonna
listen in as rob the capuchin monkey tries to
sell the rest of the capuchin monkeys amway rob
has always dreamed of becoming a diamond status
amway as a capuchin monkey Little did our hero
Rob know. All the great apes owned stock in Sam's
club and became violently pissed off when he
tried to infringe on their territory. They promptly
grabbed switches and beat his ass for three days
straight. Rob could not sit down. Please remember
to go to Cole's dressing room, wait five minutes,
and scream, Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!
Deep thoughts with Mark. Let's see. If a worm
could talk, would it be argumentive? I may never
know. And now we look in on the adventures of
the technical explanation guy. Excuse me, my
dear sir. Could you please put my plain bread
in a small countertop appliance with heating
elements that would spring -load it and would
brown my bread adequately? Well, first off, I'm
not a waiter. I'm just a guy over there sitting
at the table having a drink. Second off, are
you talking about someone toasting your bread?
Why, yes. Yes, I am. I'm talking about my bread
being toasted. Then why don't you just ask for
your bread to be toasted, you dumb bastard? What
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douchebags and a microphone. I'm Mark here in
the Kansas City vicinity at the Talk is Cheap
Studio. And I am Rob at the beautiful Magwan,
the Lake of the Ozarks, and the Dupline Studio.
All right, Rob, how was your Labor Day weekend?
Oh, my weekend was great. A little bit of road
time, but it was great. That's good. It was worth
it. Good. Excellent. Yeah, mine was good, too.
We had a little mini getaway last night, I'll
get into that here in a minute, but we went ahead
and we booked, you know where I recorded from
in Eureka Springs a couple weeks ago? Yeah. We
went ahead and booked the Flat Iron Flat suites
again near my birthday, the 21st through the
24th, then we'll be back for my birthday, the
25th of October, and I'll go get my free dinner
at Garozo's. that night. See, I forget that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I will go do that. No, no,
no. You and my cousin, Tony, in Albuquerque,
you have the same birthday. Oh, we do? Oh, okay.
Yeah, yeah. Okay. He's my closest of age cousin.
Okay, cool. I remember you tell me about it.
Did you live with him for a while or you were
in Albuquerque with him? No, no, no, no, no,
no. Oh, okay, okay. No, he now lives down there,
so... Oh, okay. I misunderstood it just a little
bit, but okay, yeah. I love Albuquerque. I thought
it was... I love it, too. Yeah, it was nice.
So, alright, so last night was a little date
night, like I said. We stayed at the Crowne Plaza
downtown. I had some IHG points, which is Independent
Hotel Group. I had some of those points and I
had to use a use up those with that otherwise
They're gonna go bad first of next month. I wouldn't
be able to use them They'd be expired that combined
with a couple extra dollars gave us a perfect
little getaway So we start out the blue line
hockey bar at the city market that place has
the most solid food Lettie's kitchen there is
amazing anyone that lives around here. If you've
not been there go there Letty is is one of the
owners her and her husband own the the the blue
line hockey bar And I'm telling you the jalapeno
poppers with the raspberry Thai sauce is amazing.
Oh my gosh You like jalapeno poppers? These are
homemade and the raspberry Thai sauce is homemade
too. Oh my god They're so good. But then just
when I thought it couldn't get any better. They
came out with it with the onion rings The onion
rings are fucking insanely good, too So when
the burrito plate came back that came to us mine
my burrito plate that I ordered It went back
to the hotel with us So we loaded up on everything
else and that was pretty much it. They had a
couple of pops and is like, okay Well hit the
brakes gonna go back with us. So right next door
the hotel There's construction going on Barty
Alice Plaza Concourse was destroyed in favor
of a new building come up I think it's gonna
be a parking garage I thought but I'm not for
sure So they did us a huge favor and they put
us up at the 24th floor We asked to be way up
there and there's 28 floors all together You
know and I looked down I feel for the poor guys
working on that site because I've been there
before You know just getting in at 8 in the morning
And you're all glum. Oh fuck. I got 10 hours
of this bullshit all this noise all these people
running around and shit so i decided you know
the only thing i could do is just like pester
the workers on the site right if they could see
me so i see a guy with those uh pink yeah i i
mean look on board and i'm sure that they're
like they need a little lightning up like me
and topher were like just we were pestering the
shit out of this construction crew when uh when
they didn't start um They have this blocker in
front of buildings now, but him and I used to
rent those little scooters, right? And we'd fly
in front of these buildings and stuff and piss
people off and everything and it'd just be general
nuisances. So there's one construction site down
there near the Lowe's Hotel now that we used
to go by all the time. And we would go by there
and ring our bell. And there's a couple of guys
there that would just die laughing. We'd go by
and go, ding ding ding, ding ding ding, and they
would just be up there laughing their ass off
a point going, look at these two guys. And so,
you know, we used to pester people like that,
but then all the businesses started putting blocks
on the front of their buildings. And what a block
does is it blocks your radio signals so your
scooter dies. It won't let you in front of it.
It will die. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah. So we finally
had to give that up, but it was fun while we
could pester people. So, yeah, I decided to pester
the workers on the side. I see a guy there in
one of those pink high -visibility vests. You
know, they wear them to support breast cancer.
Have you seen them? Yeah, I have. Yeah, yeah.
They make a few of them, and it's a good idea.
You know, it's cool. And it's actually, you could
probably see that pink high -visibility vest
better than an orange or a green one, right?
Yeah, you can. Yeah, it is really, really bright.
So, um, so, you know, um, I'm sitting there,
he appears to be looking up at our window because
I'm just standing there watching working, but
there's hundreds of windows, so I didn't know
for sure. So I start jumping up and down quietly
to, you know, to not wake up Val. I'd be really
quiet about this because she's in bed sleeping
and I'm over in front of the, in front of the
window jumping up and down like a fool. So I
start dancing around and looking all crazy trying
to freak him out. He's looking up somewhere.
I assumed it was me So he walks back to the construction
zone and I'm like, okay. Well, I guess that's
it party's over He's done. I'm done. So I went
I sat down so 20 minutes later around 9 a .m.
Val wakes me up and No, not Val done wake me
up Val Val wakes up I'm already awake and I'm
wanting to go to pre easy coffee house Which
is located in the lobby of the hotel and she
wants coffee as well so I'm in the coffee house
waiting for my order of coffee and guess who
walks in the front door to get a drink? Who?
The guy in the red in the pink safety vest. Why
not? Yeah, Mr. fluorescent pink safety vest.
Why not? Carmen sometimes is instant with me.
He looks at me and quickly looks away and all
of a sudden my mind flashes back to Eureka Springs
two weeks ago when the ghost tour guy that I...
that I pester relentlessly, walked in and looked
me right in the eyes. I was sitting on the couch
and he just glares at me. I'm pretty sure he,
I don't know if he thought he knew me or if he
was like, that's that motherfucker that's always
yelling boo. I don't know. But this was the same
thing. I go downstairs, get the coffee and then
bam, this guy I was messing with is just standing
right, you know, he comes walking in and like,
oh my gosh, this is instant karma. I need to
quit this shit, right? Because I mean it's like
yeah Yeah, I mean I wanted to do a pressed ham,
but I don't know what the laws are You know that
could be like indecent, but I really want to
do a pressed ham on the window Come on everybody
loves a pressed ham don't they? Yeah, so I'm
glad I didn't do a pressed hand, you know, he
might have punched me. So, uh, anyhow, I looked
back for him later when I got back up to the
room, but I didn't see him. He probably just
went back and was like, fuck that. I don't know
if, if he was even looking at the room, I don't
know. Like I said, there's hundreds of windows,
but there's probably only one guy jumping up
and down, acting like a fool. So, uh, so, um,
anyhow, so after I sent a picture of the job
site to my buddy Sandor, I used to go out of
town with a lot, you know, work these construction
sites and I formed it. Yeah, he's a cool guy.
I informed him he needed to do a field check
pronto. He seemed to be mildly amused. You know,
field checks are a pain in the ass, right? You
have to go in there and check all the measurements
two or three or four times. Yeah. Yeah. So, um,
anyhow, I mean, you know, he is kind of like,
haha, okay, all that stuff. And I gave him a
little shit going, yeah, they want a hundred
arc posts, which are extremely heavy. No, a thousand
arc posts around the perimeter. you need to come
out here and measure this today and just screw
them with them and stuff like that right so anyhow
it did it kind of like brought me back some uh
ptsd i remember those days of waking up and looking
at those sites and going what the fuck am i doing
here you know what i mean sitting there going
what wrong turn did i make to end up here so
anyhow it was cool being on the other side of
it watching the people you know working away
while I'm up there I don't know scratching my
ass and looking out the window so it's 24 floors
up so we missed the sunset last night though
we were down at the blue line and I want to get
back for the sunset because the sunset was really
nice and we were finally on the on the west side
of the building we usually get the east side
of the building we're on the west side so we
could have got a sunset picture but oh well so
Yeah, we get back we get back about noon 12 30
something like that So I went to Walmart today
after we got back from our little downtown getaway,
right? And I get the usual stuff It pisses me
off that I have to deal Walmart, but there's
certain things I have to go to that store for
right? You're the same way, right? There are
certain things that Walmart has that other places
don't have that you have to deal with them and
it pisses me off because I hate dealing with
them so I go through self -checkout because I
have a small amount of items again and I'm tooling
through the exit hallway when the old man that
uh he always tries to check my receipt it's kind
of like his vendetta against me because I'm so
defiant right so see we don't have them down
here we don't have nobody at the doors of Walmart
they they have them at pretty much all the Walmarts
around Kansas City now since they don't down
here or let me put it like this they attempt
to They attempt to. If you can make it past self
-checkout, you got it made. Okay. Yeah, there's
nobody at the doors out here. They probably don't
have as bad of a crime down there as they do
up here. You know, there's probably not really
so much a necessity there where it is up here,
I guess, but still. Yeah, but still I didn't
consent to this. I don't pay a membership there
and I contend I don't have to put up with it.
So I'm an easy target and it pisses me off So
I go through self -checkout because I have a
small amount of items and I'm tooling through
the exit hallway when that old man He comes flying
in there from outside He zoomed indoors just
to try to hold me up to check my cart, right?
So I'm like, all right bastard. So once again,
I told him I had the receipt emailed to me Is
in my hand like always and he comes out back
with a smart -ass answer. He goes you get your
phone. You can get it out of your phone now So
I'm like, okay asshole. I'm not I didn't say
this but thinking alright asshole So I walked
right up next to him. I go I could I Could get
out my phone. Yeah So then I'm standing there
looking at him and he's waiting for me to produce
a receipt or a phone so I reach my pocket and
I get a quarter out I flip it and I take it and
I turn it over on my hand I look him in the face
and I say up tails not today and I walked off
oh he was mad he was mad because I wasted his
time there because he thought he got me like
oh well you could always go go you know you get
your phone and get it off of there no I'm not
wasting time going through it on my phone No,
I don't have to and I'm not going to, but I didn't
tell him that. It pissed me off because he's
being a smartass about it. I'm like, alright,
bitch. So I was just like, yeah, I could. I could
go through my phone, but I didn't say I was gonna.
So I just stood there right next to him for a
minute looking at him and then I pulled out that
coin and he's sitting there like really puzzled,
like what the fuck is he doing? So I flipped
the coin and when I flipped it over I go, no,
tails, not today. He was mad But nothing he can
do about it because it is not legally required
for me to have him check my receipt or my basket
And I know this and he knows I know this and
it pisses a mile. So anyhow so Anyhow, I I mean,
yeah, I've been in Kansas C quite bad here lately
since we got back from Eureka Springs I can't
help it. I live here, but you know, I see One
of these days I'm moving out and I mean not just
me but me and Val and and that's when I'm gonna
be either working part -time or not at all I'm
gonna be retired and we're not gonna be anywhere
near this city I can guarantee you that right
now so I see where the homeless love to carry
around blankets old blouses and socks and such
like that right well do what? Okay, they're welcome
to carry them around as much as their delightful
little hearts want to, right? I'm just sick of
them being left all over the parks and curbside,
right? So never fear, Rob. I have a solution.
That's here. You ever see those wood boxes you
see through? with the see -through mesh. People
fill them full of food in the city for anyone
in need. They're called like little food mini
emergency food pantries, right? Okay. So for
reference, a homeless guy walks up, he opens
a box and he grabs some ramen noodles and then
he's on his way, right? So he's happy. He's like,
I got some food and you know, people go back
there and fill it up a little bit later. So this
is where my idea comes in. How about large wooden
cedar chests placed in parks? creeks and trailside
paths and curbs. And they can be used as a bench
as well. So yeah, let's say you're putting on
your jogging sneakers, right? And it's like,
well, I'll just go over to the cedar chest here,
full of home random homeless items, put my sneakers
on and go jogging. Then when I come back, I'll
take them off and put on my shoes for the car,
you know, for home or whatever. I didn't go back
and take a step back. It's like a storage locker.
Plus no material strength. Yeah, no material
strong all over the park and roadways I did I
did because I'm sick of seeing Everywhere I go
in this fucking city. There's blankets and blouses
and socks and hats everywhere Because somewhere
there's been a homeless person sitting there
and decided they were just going to leave them
there And it is what I was thinking is start
up. You know you were talking about that I was
thinking about starting up a bed where homeless
people go get blankets Yeah, it's for homeless
people to begin with Yeah, no no and then when
they're not using them they can take them out
They could put them in there and another homeless
person come up and go hey, I think I need a blanket
So they walk you know get in there get a blanket
a blouse whatever and be on their way You know
to go do whatever it is that they you know wherever
they're going or whatever Yeah so Next up this
a little bit different, but bear with me here
Rob. I have a rant about balconies Okay, okay
I propose that when you buy a room with a balcony
at a hotel anymore, it's a class system. Let
me get into this. This seems to be the case.
I'm going to let you. I'm going to let you. Okay,
thank you. If you book a room and it's not top
of the line, your room with a beautiful ocean
view won't open. It won't open and let you out
on the balcony. This has been happening for a
few years now. I get this for many years of traveling.
I've had examples as well. I used to be able
to book an older hotel that had been refurbished
or on the not so demand side of the beach and
resorts. It's either like an older one on the
nice side or it's on the older side that people
don't prefer to go to anymore. So all the balcony
rooms would open and you could smell the ocean
and it's the same around here too. So, I can't
seem to get a functioning balcony room at any
older hotel or resort. You know, you go into
Fort Lauderdale and there's ocean sky and ocean
manor. I can't even seem to be able to book anything
except an inside room anymore. I kind of wonder
if maybe the wealthy rent these working balconies
by the month or even the year. They might. Yeah.
Yeah, and I'm wondering about that because it
seems like these working balconies you can't
find them anymore and If someone knows what I'm
talking about and has some examples, please write
in Because I'm sure there's something to it for
real So and I'm wondering if it's that so Anyhow,
so I'm gonna go back to Eureka Springs and we
had that big courtyard in the back I'm everywhere
tonight. Okay, so I know this All right, cool.
Thank you So I was sitting in the dark listening
to nature sounds right and this is back in that
where that cliff is I told you that cliff on
the and there's that What would you call it a
little patio back there a Little courtyard. Okay,
and then there's that big cliff that goes over
and and and this was at that cliffside place
of bed and breakfast we're staying at. Okay,
so, I'm listening to this very loud, rather high
-pitched noise, and it sounded like, you know,
it was a frog maiden sound I found out, right?
I looked it up on the internet. So I spent 30
minutes perfecting the sound, right? And I'm
kind of bitter now. I got snubbed by a frog.
The frog would never answer back, right Rob?
Would you be a little irritated too? You spend
that much time? trying to mimic its voice, right?
Its sound. Then you go perfectly and the fucker
doesn't answer back. Especially when you're sitting
in dark late at night, yeah. Yeah, yeah, exactly.
And don't ask me why I was that bored. I don't
know. I shouldn't have been. I was on vacation.
So, I got the thinking. Well, Val was in bed.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I was out there with
a yin -ling crew. Yeah, a couple of yin -lings
and you know. So, I didn't get snubbed at all,
Rob. The frog was not a gay male frog. That's
all it was. He heard a male frog sound, and he
wasn't interested. I'm very happy about that.
I was not smug. I was not smug. You know, it
would have been very awkward if a gay frog jumped
out at me, and it's like ready for anything,
you know, like, hey, all right, hey, I heard
you, buddy. All right, I'm here. I was just joking
around, man. I wouldn't really want to have frog
sex with a, you know, male frog or even the female
frog. But, you know, sorry about the confusion.
So, yeah, that's all it was. It heard a male
frog voice and was like, no thank you. It didn't
answer back. Right? Yep. All right. I'll say
my gay Russian story. I guess I have a gay rooster
story. Go ahead, please. No, no, no, no. Some
other time. Okay, all right. We already have
tonight's lineup. Okay. All right. Okay. All
right. Well, that's all I got. I have more stuff.
But like always, we've got to stop it somewhere.
So let's go to you, Rob. All right. Well, since
I've had so many females from Sunrise Beach on
me lately. Yeah. All females. That's weird. I
know. And I don't know any of them. Tammy, Tara,
and what was the other one? Oh well, go ahead.
Oh, I don't remember. There's been three or four.
But anyway, I'm going to go on with Lake of the
Ozarks Nights. Okay. Yeah Yeah, yeah That's what
the problem cause statement filed in Camden County
alleged that the pursuit started late Saturday
afternoon Which was Saturday of Labor Day weekend?
Imagine that mm -hmm Okay, I haven't been there
when that was there. I don't think so He would've...
Very cool When is Ozark law coming out do you
know As far as I do okay see I don't get to watch
it because I don't have any on my streaming It's
on A &E So I don't get to watch it, but I will
get to here before all oh did I say that oh?
I heard nothing I heard nothing You know what
I heard No, things don't realize how much things
are going to ramp up. There's going to be a big
change. And me and Mark know about it. Good.
Just wait until November. November is the big
date everybody will find out until November.
You hear that Mitch? Big day in November. Alright,
he's been warned. Alright, do you want to take
our first break? I'll warn him again during emails,
don't worry. Okay, good, good, please. Alright,
we'll be right back. Kick me out of the fan club.
Oh yeah, he did do that last week, didn't he
the fucker? Yeah! Okay, you'll really I just
got to looking at this I forgot about yeah, you're
gonna like this email All right, we'll be right
back This is Kansas City here. Hold my beer,
bitch. And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark. Hmm.
Let me think here. My car keys have actually
traveled further than my car. Hmm. Weird. Have
you ever wondered what something is about? Have
you ever looked at something and said, I wonder
what the origin of that is? Well, so have we.
That's why we give you The Origin of The Origin
of Coca -Cola. On May 8th, 1886, Dr. John Pemberton
served the world's first Coca -Cola at Jacobs
Pharmacy in Atlanta, Georgia. The drink was served
as a tonic for common ailments. Rob consumed
small doses of radiation for 30 years! Rob is
a name to radiation. Watch him glow! Watch Rob
Rad jump up 25 feet and grab birds out of thin
air with his mouth! With his mouth! Rob can now
be elected for children's parties and bar mitzvahs!
That's right! Come on and rent you a Rob today.
That's right, come by and rent Rob for a day!
A day! A day! Watch Rob consume seven bottles
of night cream and still break dance and moonwalk.
Watch Rob Redd fart down a building. Fart down
a building! Rob Redd assumes no responsibility
whatsoever. He is not a babysitter and he doesn't
give one else to share about your children. Please
remember to corral every little bastard you have.
Before Rob gets there, and Waldo will not put
up with any backtalk, he will promptly keep them
in the place. Rob Radd consumes no responsibility
for anything that could be stolen from his visit.
Rob Radd has no responsibility whatsoever in
any help him of any situation. Right to Rob today.
Hey there, slap nets. It's time for The Creep's
Music News. Hey, my little pumpkin seeds. This
is Johnny Rohibnall with your music news. This
November, Bad Company will be inducted into the
Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Only two of the band's
original members remain, Paul Rogers, the singer
and drummer, Simon Kirk, the latter of which
said the odds of them performing at the ceremony
are very good. It's not a definite just yet,
though. I don't know. I know that we've been
approached to play a couple of songs Kirk recently
explained to Defenders of the Faith podcast.
I've spoken with Paul. Paul's health, as you
know, is not good. But I think I'm crossing my
fingers that we will be able to play at least
one song. I don't know what that is yet, and
I don't even know who's going to be inducting
us yet. Simon, we hope you are correct. We would
love to hear one last song from you two. This
is Johnny Rohipnall. That was your music news.
And remember, bar chords are bullshit. All aware
of the Amber Alert, right? Well, get rid of your
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call. Order today and get a free Cinnabon Renews
It Cartridge. What do you call a bundle of hay
in church? Christian Bale. Next up, Things Overheard
in Hell. There's water. has the top 10 spots
on billboard top 100. Your mama's so fat, Dracula,
fit her neck, and got diabetes. The regular Joe
Q public may believe anything he hears and sees,
but not here at To Do's Bags Microphone. Here
at To Do's Bags Microphone, we question everything.
That's why we have a little segment we'd like
to call, I call bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit.
Bullshit. So let me make sure I have this correct
all the waiting for Epstein client list all the
promises of justice All the huge names that were
all over his private island suddenly. There's
no client list It's a well -known fact Epstein
kept a list of clients So dislay Maxwell is rotting
in prison and has no memory of any of her visitors
when she was one of the hosts You mean to tell
me she cannot spit out a few names They barter
with every other criminal. Why not her? I'll
tell you why Because power protects power. That's
why. This bullshit dog and pony show will only
go so far. Promises and convictions turn to dust.
I'll even go one step further. Jeffrey Epstein
is still alive. His death was faked. His friends
made sure of this. The next time you think justice
will be served will be a cold day in hell. Or
just wait until his perverts do kick off. Then
ask them the temperature in hell. I'm here to
deliver your music news this evening. Tesla bassist
and founding member Brian Wheat has teamed up
with original Tesla guitarist Tommy Scotch in
a new band called Terminal. Joining the duo in
the new group are former WASP guitarist Chris
Holmes and original saliva singer Josie Scott.
They plan on putting an album out later on this
year or early next year. This is Phineas J. Baltares
III. That has been your music news for this evening.
I have one burning question for you all Do people
really skip around the maypole? To douchebags
and microphone on mark here in the Kansas City
area to talk is cheap studio See that was a solid
quack. Let me see if I knew I'm back in business
yay Alright, here's some emails. Hey Mark, I
have a problem. My neighbor had a Segway that
was in perfect order. He had it behind his shed.
I was drunk and decided to borrow it without
permission. Well, I destroyed it hitting a curb.
I don't want to pay for it. What should I do?
Haas in Greensville, Texas. You want to help
me with this Rob? Oh, oh, the segue? That must
have been where this person got that from, I
guess. But that was my segue. I mean, yeah. Right,
right, but still. Still the rec way tonight,
what do you do? You give me the one hand, so
that would be me. Okay, all right. I mean, hell,
our best friend almost got hit by a train. Yeah,
that was in Nashville. That was in Nashville.
and then there's that night we like junked my
um okay the the scooter we had in nashville was
not mine we rented that okay you're oh yeah that's
different i was talking about the late night
that we did i i think i thought i told you about
maybe i didn't but we like we ditched my scooter
like four or five times in cleveland it was like
oh no one in the morning and we're flying around
there and we kept ditching it and hitting it
so i thought you're talking about that but i'm
not even sure if i even talked about that on
here no no i was talking about what david wrecked
his segway or whatever it was yeah the scooter
yeah dinner died because getting hit by a train
that's what he was headed right for the train
and i'm popping over the hill he was flying and
he was trashed i mean he had like 10 jack and
coax i'm not kidding you and like 10 yenlings
he was smashed and he goes flying over the hill
and then I look over there and there's a train
and and and it's like flying by okay and there's
no you know the train was already past the you
know the stop where Davey had to stop at and
he was just flying towards there not even looking
and all of a sudden I see him just lay it down
and I'm like oh good I was like oh my god I just
killed my bestie I took him to Nashville and
I put him on a fucking scooter and now he's dead
but he did it somehow okay so back to Haas and
Greenville Fletcher okay you need to hide the
evidence for now and Rob back me up or tell me
if it's a dumb idea okay later on You sneak the
evidence by the curb and you tell your neighbor
that you almost caught someone in a truck trying
to steal his ride. You were given chase and the
Segway fell off the back of the truck. And the
truck had no plates. Now you're the hero. What
do you think, Rob? There you go. That's awesome.
There you go. That is believable. That is believable.
Yes. And even scuff up your arms a little bit
or something. That way you're even more of a
martyr. Oh yeah, yeah, I grabbed the back of
the truck and it drugged me for a little while,
but I'm okay. Actually, we had somebody at camp
to do that just the other night. Oh, really?
Get drugged? God, that'd be horrible. Oh, that
would hurt. Oh, here we go. Want to hear from
Mitch? We got it. Oh, Bob. Rob, we also decided
to erase you from the Lake Freeman tour guide.
Sorry, but we cannot, uh, celebrate people that
don't support us anymore. You'll regret snubbing
us. Clint says you're a bitch just like Mark.
I still hate Mark, but like you. Mitch the loyal
guy that robs shits all over. You got anything
for me? Yeah, you shit on Rob. Rob is destroyed.
He is just destroyed. He's not acting like it
on the podcast. But I've talked to him personally
and he's destroyed Clint. He is just devastated
that you would do that to him. Okay, and as far
as Clint's concerned, your fucking Narcan's gone.
I'm done. Yeah, that's it. You're gone, Clint.
You're gone. You're fucked up. You're done. That's
it. Your Narcan's gone. Yeah, Rob's hiding it.
Yeah, you're gonna be there. taking one last
puff of fentanyl. Nope. Narcan. No Narcan. So
there you go. Damn it, Mitch. Why you gotta be
like this, bitch? Man, I like you. Mitch, okay,
how about if I do this? Mitch, I'm giving you
24 hours to apologize to Rob. You got to, well,
this is Wednesday. You got to Sunday. Okay, Sunday.
You got to Sunday to apologize to Rob. Does that
sound fair? Come on, man. Come on, Mitch. We're
besties. I can't believe you just did this to
me. I don't want to be like this, but hey, you
want to buck up, you know I'm going to buck up
to you. That's right. And Rob has been devastated
ever since you dumped him. He doesn't know what
to do. Oh, shit. I was looking forward to the
dunking booth. Yeah. Yeah. No, no, no, no. You
had to turn on him, huh? The gauntlet has been
thrown down Mitch we expect an apology by Sunday
Yep All right Mark, do you have any extra pieces
of carpet? I could have I'm making a cat tree
and could use a few pieces Thanks, Eugene Eugene
in Kansas City Yeah, yeah habitat for humanity
go there It's it's for charity and it's like
people go into these old houses and grab stuff
and pull it out That's still good. Sometimes
it's carpet. Sometimes it's other stuff So no,
I don't have any carpet but habitat for humanity.
You can buy carpet. That's good and and used
and For not that big of a price. So there's your
cat tree right there Honestly, honestly the right
money I'd sell section of my carpet here You
gene two douches at mail .com Send Rob a message.
He'll cut it out. He'll sell it to you So there
you go, Eugene. All right. Rob, I own the name
Duck Blind. Call your studio something else.
Jake and Phoenix. Jake and Beards kiss my ass.
Produce something. My name has been Duck since
1983. 82, 82. TwoDouchesandMail .com, I want
to see your copyright. Send it in. Other than
that, fuck you. Rob's gonna keep using it. And
even if you do set it in, we're still gonna use
it. Well, this guy doesn't understand how it
works, Jake and Phoenix. You can say that name
all you want. But if he does have a copyright,
you just can't logo it. Well, there you go, bitch.
Or Jake, or whatever. Yeah, there you go. That's
right. Yep, and I don't believe this guy anyhow
And this brand has been on my arm since I was
17 years old 1986 It is the duck blind studio
Rob. Could you please confirm that with the quack?
There you go. All right Mark was that a predator
figurine on your desk? Wow. Where did you get
it Johnny? No P Um, yeah, it is a Predator figurine,
and I got it from the store called Lazy One.
The Lazy One is the name of it, and it's in Eureka
Springs, Arkansas. And this is made out of nuts
and bolts and spark plugs. It is a very cool,
very, oh, and a chain, and a bicycle chain. And
it looks just like the Predator monster, but
it's made with all that, and a spring, and a
coil spring. It's really cool. That's cool. Yeah,
yeah, it's very cool. So yeah, you did see that
Johnny in OP even though your name's not Johnny
and it still bothers me. But anyhow. Mark, I
need your mustard greens recipe please. Jenny
in Oklahoma. Rob, you got anything? She asked
you. I was the last show. Okay, okay, okay. I
was the rhubarb, whatever. Yeah. I'm getting
it this time. Okay. First off, you go on Google.
And you look up images of mustard green plants.
Okay? And then you look up and how to on what
part you can eat that you tear off of them. Okay?
That'll all be online. You do just as it says.
And then you boil them with vinegar for 10 hours.
Then after you're done boiling up for 10 hours,
you're gonna see some like smoldering stuff on
the bottom of the pan You scrape that off And
you throw it away, that's pretty much it right
there You scrape it off, okay, and you get you
get one of those egg beaters and you blend it
with butter and instant mashed potatoes. You're
a lot better at this game than I am. I'm just
making this shit up as I go, Rob. I didn't know
how to answer. So when you combine the potato
flakes with the mustard green blended together,
it provides you a nice mustard green potato salad.
Give it to Mark. You ask for a recipe, he'll
give you the side dish. There you go. That's
mustard green potato salad. Straight from Mark's
kitchen. You're fucking welcome. Rob, let's turn
this whole thing over to you. You like that most
of green potato salad? Do you like it? I love
it. Love it. Don't forget to butter it when you
blend it together. Okay, let me get my thoughts
together. Okay. All right. We're going to go
into my new segment, which you said you were
going to help me with. Yes. This is... Some of
it's historical, some of it, you know. And that's
the new segment I've been trying to work up on,
but I can't come up with a name, so I'm just
going to start talking. I would call it Rob's
Bag of Garbage. That'll work. That'll work. That
will work. Could you reach into your bag of garbage
and tell us what the first thing on the docket
is? cheese omelet, barbecued meat, half a loaf
of bread, three fajitas, a meat lover's pizza,
fried okra, a pint of Blue Bell ice cream, and
peanut butter fudge. Only to leave it all uneaten.
him wait he couldn't have been afraid of death
row how big of me do you really want to fuck
it all up when you're being killed yeah that's
true Okay, I love it Rob's bag of garbage yeah
for now unless we come up with a better name
Good boy Valentina Vasilovia Babel stats? Just
lead at that, no just lead at that A peasant
woman from 18th century Russia was a girl 1782
she gave birth to 16 sets of twins seven sets
of triplets and four sets of quadruplets fascinating
and almost unbelievable glimpse into history
and the incredible endurance of women in her
time. Wow. See, that's the thing. Some of these
have history to them. Some of these stories I'm
going to bring up in my new segment. I love that,
Rob. That's fantastic. Very cool. Okay, so Rob's
Bag of Garbage is what we're calling it and it's
going to be on every episode, right? Yeah, yeah,
I'm just going to come up with a couple little
new bits. Little nuggets. Little nuggets of gold.
Little nuggets. Just throw them together. A couple
of them will make a set. I love the idea, Rob.
I think it's great. All right, well there's your
first set of a couple of them. Let's go ahead
and take our second break and come back and I've
got a couple things and I know you do too. strange
but true. You watched the news. It looks grim.
Is an apocalypse inevitable? We suggest you download
all our podcasts beforehand and have multiple
mobile chargers. We have the post -apocalypse.
Make sure and have plenty of rope. Strong threaded
durable rope with a rating of 400 pounds or greater.
You need to know basic knots. So we can go to
the library and download the Boy Scouts handbook
and have a reference to slip knots and other
essential rope tricks. Rope can be used in traps
to catch food or would be predators. Rope is
a key ingredient in post -apocalypse survival.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien. Real hilarity.
Blue -eyed dress, like an assistant about coach.
The bull weevil clap read up on that sometime
The bull weevil clap and this old guy that I
knew that was in Vietnam I probably should well
you know what you can take this part out of here
if you like it And we could put it somewhere,
but this old guy that I knew down the road for
me There was a Vietnam. He told me that One day,
you know him and a couple of guys Got a day off
from the war So they went into the nearest town
to go look for some hookers, you know, they're
like, you know, if we're gonna die We're gonna
get laid. So, okay. All right, so they go in
there and I guess the Viet Cong Loaded him full
loaded the prostitutes full this stuff called
the bowl we will clap Yeah, oh it is So anyhow,
he said, you know, they all went and you know
Did what they needed to do, you know, they thought
they're all gonna die So they went and they got
laid and next day when a guy comes in he goes,
oh my god He goes I hurt so bad, but you know
my fucking dick hurts like hell my stomach hurts
I think I'm gonna die what they do with those
damn hookers So anyhow and he started hurting
really bad. He said it hurts so bad. You could
hardly breathe You could feel it in your dick
shaft. It was so bad So they all go in, and I
guess it's like a horrible infection, and if
you don't get it treated it will kill you. Like,
you know, go up your scrotum and into your testicles.
Anyhow, the only cure back then was they had
to take this glass rod, shove it in the end of
your penis, and mash it with a rubber mallet.
And then you have to physically squeeze all the
infection out of your penis. I've heard of this.
Yes, and this took like four hours of mashing
this rod and then squeezing all the infection
out, because if they don't get all the infection
out right then... It flares right back up. Yes.
It seals your pee -pee shut. Yes. Yeah, that
was the old joke of, you know, oh there's, you
know, catch BD and your dick's gonna turn black
and fall off, but... This is Joshua Belmont,
your Pooper Thought Man on the hustle. So I just
realized a genius that gets absolutely no credit.
His name is Marshall Taylor. He is credited with
the first bag of salad mix that was bagged and
sold. Yesterday was his birthday. I believe he
is still alive. This guy's genius will never
be fully appreciated. Before this man, we settled
for iceberg lettuce with maybe a couple of croutons
and some cheese. Was Mr. Taylor satisfied with
that? Hell no. He realized that Billy Americana
would never go out and buy a couple of radishes,
a couple of carrots, a head of purple cabbage,
maybe snow peas, and possibly some cute romaine
blattice for extra bougie. Mr. Taylor, you should
have a national holiday. Two dish bags and microphone
in an effort to keep everything fresh. We offer
you first world problems. Dammit. I can't decide
between nachos, chili, or wings for the game
tonight. This is bullshit. I should not have
to make decisions like this. Introducing Rob
Radd's new book, How to Track Your Enemy by Scent.
That's right, smell your enemy before they get
you. Order this gem now and get a free virtual
tour of Rob's secret bunker in Camdenton, Missouri.
Also receive a free copy of his new book, How
to Clean Raw Sewage for Food. Two douchebags
and microphone, I'm Mark here in the Kansas City
area at the Talk is Cheap Studio. And I am Rob,
it's a beautiful night alarm of Lake of the Ozarks
in the Duck Blind Studio. All right, I've got
a little story here I'd like to get into. Okay,
this in Starbucks, Korea, They've started posting
signs in all of its shops across the country
warning customers that they may no longer bring
desktop computers and printers to the locations
to start work. They can do that over there I
guess. warning customers that they may longer
bring, you know, they can't bring the test stops,
the printers and all that. United Press International
reported on August 11th that Starbucks is also
banned setting up large partitions and leaving
valuables at a table for long periods of time.
The targeted customer is known as Konjoks, which
combines the Korean word for cafe and study and
tribe. Starbucks made the policy change after
other customers complained about the cafe squatters
taking up too much space. Laptops will still
be welcomed, but like you heard, no more partitions,
no more printers, none of that stuff. That seems
logical to me. What do you think? That's a good
point with partitions and stuff you couldn't
put up partitions or even bring a printer in
I don't think they'd allow that even Yeah, I
know that's pretty interesting. But you know,
Korea probably doesn't have nearly as many wild,
not wild, as many hotspots. I'll bet you anything,
they don't have Wi -Fi hotspots like we do over
here. So they probably people are probably they
can't afford one at home. So they probably have
to go to Starbucks to do their work and business.
So that's what I'm thinking. Yeah. So all right,
Rob, we turn it to you. Okay, I'm withholding
judgment. But the story could end up going nationwide.
Okay. Okay Okay. So there's one other way to
fill up. They're messing around, you know? Uh
-huh. Gotcha. Okay. I get that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I do too. That's that way in Missouri,
too, actually. Yeah, it is. Yep. Police can now
take your gas stations for the offense, although
so far only nine alleged offenders have been
cited. Okay. So they're fine in the gas stations,
too, for allowing them to do it. Oh, yeah. She
said I'm very disturbed by the language of the
statute because it's just so non -descript. If
she's a clerk supposed to be looking out the
window while this is happening to make sure that
appropriate vehicles are using the vehicles.
It isn't 1950, this isn't when we send someone
out to fill up your car. Okay, I'll stop it right
there. Okay. Yes. How can the attendant not see
the gas station make sure of that? Yeah. Yeah,
the gas attendant should be held responsible,
in my opinion. Yeah, I agree with you 100%. Yep.
If they're going to find a biker, she ought to
find a person to sell them the fuel. Absolutely.
Yep, I agree with that 100%. Okay. or Los Angeles
or New York. You get my point. Now down there
where I'm at, it'd be a little bit of a story.
Thank you, Rob. I like that one. This is a game
of Ding Dong Ditch going very poorly. This is
up in Iowa. An Iowa man was arrested for fake
intoxication. That's what his exact charge was.
It was simulated public intoxication. Fayette
County Sheriff's deputies were called about individuals
lying in a ditch around 5 30 a .m. Caleb Barker
31 was the only one still around when officers
arrived he was arrested with a charge of simulated
public intoxication which is a law in Iowa that
you cannot do that and it doesn't explain why
it's you know why it's against the law but this
guy oh go ahead Um, I'm wondering if maybe you're
wasting the policeman's valuable time by acting
like you're messed up, or maybe trying to get
him off the scent of somebody else by acting
like you're trashed. Do you think that could
be it? Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. You
hit that buzz mind dancers on the head. Okay.
Yes. I was kind of... The main thing is, yeah,
you're wasting officer's time. Yeah. Well, I
do remember that. But also, like you said, there's
also a draw them off the set of other things
going on. I get it. I get it. We used to do it
all the time when we were younger. Yeah. Yeah,
well, yeah. Oh, go ahead. Distractions. Distraction.
Yeah, yeah. Someone was like really fucked up
and you didn't want them to know, like, you know,
I don't know, they took some something, whatever,
LSD or something, and you didn't want them going
to jail. So you'd act like you were the one that
was hammered. and then when they did all the
tests they really you know they realized you
weren't hammered but by that time the focus is
one away from your buddy that was really fucked
up yeah we've done that many a times yeah i think
that's why that law is in place in iowa but this
guy is going to jail and he had a $50 ,000 bond
so it's going to take him five grand to get out
so just for lying in a ditch acting fucked up
simulated in public intoxication is the actual
charge. So there you go. Hey Rob, that's all
I got on that one. Go ahead. I think we have
dumbass of the week. Yes. Alright, I'm gonna
go into more serious stuff. Okay. They have a
lot of people intruding Well, it's like a secondary
barrier to the top I'm good with that. Are you?
Yeah The plane a Boeing 737 Max 8 Which was delivered
in recent days took off Friday afternoon from
Phoenix to Denver the airline said Secondary
barriers long sought after the September 11,
2001 attacks that exposed the risks of inadequate
flight deck protection are crucial to aviation
safety, pilots unions have argued. The flight
is a milestone. Last month, the FFA agreed to
give airlines until late July, 2026, to put the
barriers and newly delivered planes into use.
Most major carriers have told the FFA that they
plan to take advantage of the extension and not
immediately begin using the barriers. Okay. I
do too. I do too. Especially after 9 -11, and
that's why they start developing this. So yeah,
I think it's a great idea. I'm all for it. All
for it. Cool. Like I said, I'm sorry to get serious
on their break of night. Yeah. Sorry, I kind
of lost my place here for a second I got to talking
to you about that and Yeah, sorry about that
here I'll go to this one I guess cuz I can't
seem to find the one I was gonna tell you about
All right, no Burke syndrome made a young lady
croak like a toad when she kissed guys Is bill
I didn't cross that one a while ago. I did. I
did. I did too, but that's alright. Toad croaks.
The young lady in question said she started noticing
it in fifth grade and it lasted all the way through
high school. Eventually she started hearing the
gurgling and croaks most of the time, especially
when she kissed a guy. So sounds to me like she
kissed a lot of guys, Rob. Yeah. Yeah. I mean,
to notice it at that age, I mean, you had been
playing a lot of fucking console hockey, right?
Yeah, as I'm saying she also experienced bloating
heartburn and bouts of vomiting So she was diagnosed
with acid reflux. So then after years She finally
went to enough doctors and they determined that
she definitely That the real problem was this
No burp syndrome deal that the no burp syndrome
was her actual diagnosis So she couldn't burp
because a muscle at the top of her esophagus
failed to relax properly, impairing the passage
of air from the esophagus to the pharynx. She
had an operation to fix this, no burp syndrome,
and now she can use her mouth all she wishes.
Take that wherever you want, I don't care. So
I'm turning it over to Rob. Okay Okay 35 year
old man shared a surprising story about what
happened during his recent flight He explained
he was sitting in the middle of the plane near
the exit row When a gorgeous woman asked if she
could take the seat next to him first come first
served on that airline, he agreed and made space
for her. Well, of course. Before takeoff, he
hit it off instantly. He wrote, the woman seemed
flirty, wasn't wearing a wedding ring, and appeared
to be traveling alone. During the flight, she
got closer. He was moving the armrest and putting
her leg across his. Living, she was single. The
man asked if she wanted to get drinks in LA.
Turned out she was staying at the same hotel
as me. When he walked into the baggage area,
he saw her again. But this time she was wearing
a wedding ring and holding hands with a man.
I'm waiting to see where this goes. Go ahead.
Oh, that's where it ended. That's where it ended.
That was it? There's no clarity of what it was
about or anything? Oh yeah, she was fucking married
with another man and even at the bar she started
playing. He was like, fuck you. Jesus, jeez.
Man, that's bold. I could not ever imagine being
that bold, could you? I've been like, why me?
Why didn't you pick someone else? Her husband
was on the flight the whole time. That's crazy.
Maybe it's like a little fetish game they had
or something. You ever think about that? Maybe
he's like, hey, go out and flirt with these guys
and come back and give it to Papa. You think
it might be a deal like that? There's always
that Could be could be All right. Do you want
to keep going Rob or I know that you're working
all this overtime or anything? So I'm asking
you it's 10 after 9 I Got a little bit more Okay.
All right All right, sounds good Gary Buzard
in Van Nuys, California cold told KTLA TV on
August 13th This is a little bit old, I know.
I just now got to it. I apologize. That he has
a mysterious long -running grievance with the
Los Angeles Police Department. And here's why.
He's been blasting home alarms and a train horn
from his house for months. He does this periodically
several times during the day, said neighbor Bob
Donovan. It has a range of 3 .5 miles. It's an
actual train horn. Bizzardon says the horns are
his way of getting LAPD's attention. I do sincerely
apologize to my neighbors. He's unclear about
what kind of help the man needs to solve his
problem, but they're at wit's end about the noise.
But maybe a solution is on the way. Bizzardon
was arrested on August 13th on unknown charges.
And that's pretty much it. He got arrested. It's
kind of like your story there. He got arrested.
And then that's it. It doesn't go into anything
else. It doesn't say whether he came back out
and started blasting that train horn again. Yeah,
it's a good story going into it, but then they
just dead -ended it. Yeah, and I knew it dead
-ended it, and I did that because of the story
you just did. It's like you didn't do the same
thing. Just, well, that's it. I would have wanted
to read more, but hey, that's it. That's all
they gave me, guys. That's all they gave me.
So, all right. Rob, we turn it to you. Okay,
a tourist from Hawaii won a big jackpot prize
at a Las Vegas casino. Uh -huh. The visitor sat
a Lightning Buffalo Lincoln Super Grand jackpot
progressive slot machine on Custerians at Virgin
Hotels. The guest spent $10. It spent and watched
as the symbols across the screen until a jot
-not message appeared. The player won $179 ,796
.66. Oh, wow. Virgin Hotels is just east of Las
Vegas strip, but that wasn't the only big one
in Vegas recently. Okay. Wow. Yeah. I'm gonna
stop right there because the rest of the article
goes into the gambling addiction. Well, maybe
I should say that. I'm gonna say it. Go ahead.
Many people can gamble or play games and chance
without harm. However, for some, gambling is
an addiction and can ruin lives and families.
If you or a loved one shows signs of gambling
addiction, you could see... or 7 -0 -0 or visiting
the National Council on Problem Gambling website.
Rob, thank you. I should probably say that. Yeah,
honestly, man. If you're going to gamble, be
responsible. Hey, hey, well, what do I know?
If we want sponsors, we've got to start getting
into shit like that. That's right. You're right.
And we support that, Hunter. That is a big thing.
Yes, and your rent's paid. Just saying. Rob,
do you think... Make sure your bills are paid.
I personally think that that casino's going to
be put in. What do you think? Yeah, I take it.
Yeah, it's going to take a little time, but I
think it will end up... Look, there's going to
be a lot of lawsuits and stuff like that, and
there always is. Whenever you want to get something
done like that, you're going to have to take
it through the courts, you know, but... And that's
where they're going. And it's going to be a Native
American casino, so I don't think there's that
much at the end of the day that the local government
or even Missouri government can do that much
about it. So, you know what? Good luck to them.
You got time for me to do another story or you
want to call it? Doesn't matter? No, go ahead
and do one more and then, yeah, we'll probably
need to call it after that. Okay. A ground mishap
at Barnes... Air National Guard Base in Westfield,
Massachusetts was likely caused by an unnamed
passenger accidentally triggering an injection
from inside an F -15D Eagle on August 12th. The
War Zone reported. After the plane had landed,
video showed a puff of smoke in the backseat
passenger crawling along the runway next to the
aircraft. The canopy landed on the plane's wing.
The 104th Fighter Wing released a statement saying
that one service member was taken to a hospital
for evaluation and the other had no injuries
when they were accidentally ejected due to their
own dumb fuckery, but it didn't say that, but
that's what happened. They hit the wrong button
and they injected, they injected themselves out
of that F -15D. And there we saw the cloud of
smoke. and then they saw was these two gentlemen
crawling on the ground next to the plane so yeah
they're probably lucky the plane didn't run them
over honestly probably yeah so all right i guess
that's going to be it for this uh this episode
um hi albuquerque hi grandma opal hi jimmy give
us an update when you get a chance jimmy how
is grandma opal how are you we want to know this
stuff Anyhow, thank you everybody for listening.
Good night, assholes. Hi, Grandma Opal. Hi, Jimmy.
Hi, Albuquerque. Hi, what was it, Higginsville?
Oh, shit! Hicksville? Hicksville! Hicksville!
Hicksville! Hi, Hicksville, New York. Sorry,
thank you, Rob. Yeah. And more importantly, hi,
Princess. I haven't met you yet, but hi, Princess.
Gotta throw that in. Alright, that sounds good.
Alright. Um, everybody, thank you, have a good
night. Good night, assholes. Oh, no. Looks like
the show's over, kids. Mark has explosive diarrhea
and can't afford a wireless mic. Fear not, assholes.
They'll be back invading your ear holes soon.