Hey, you fucking derelicts. It's time for the
Daily Douchebag Pledge. I, Joe or Jane Listener,
hereby promise to download the show. I, Joe or
Jane Listener, hereby promise to grab other people's
phones, unattended computers, public computers,
and all of my work computers as well, and download
the show from there. I, Joe or Jane Listener,
hereby promise to make other people listen. I,
Joe or Jane Listener, will hereby lie to everyone
about how quality the show is. I, Joe or Jane
Listener. promise to make all my family members
listen and recite the daily douchebag pledge.
And finally, I, Joe or Jane Listener, hereby
promise to make the trek to Knobloch, Missouri,
just to have a selfie with the Knobloch sign.
Here at Two Douchebags and a Microphone, we don't
stand behind our journalistic integrity. Go ahead
and assume we got the story wrong. At least we
admit it. Not like all those other guys. We can
and will lie if it makes the story better. Two
douchebags and a microphone. And now, Deep Thoughts
with Mark. If I were floating in outer space...
If I was to paddle my arms and legs, would I
float faster? I may never know. These guys are
inviting as a used hypodermic needle. Strange,
but true. There's a cave that kills you if you
go inside. It's called the Well of Hell in Yemen.
And the air inside is so toxic that just breathing
it can make you collapse. Scientists think it's
a mix of sulfur and poisonous gases, but no one's
explored it to fully know why. Because rotes
melt before they hit the bottom. Hey there, slap
nuts. It's time for the Creeps Music News. Hey,
my little pumpkin seeds. This is Johnny Rohypnol
with your music news. This November, Bad Company
will be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall
of Fame. Only two of the band's original members
remain, Paul Rogers, the singer, and drummer
Simon Kirk, the latter of which said the odds
of them performing at this ceremony are very
good. It's not a definite just yet, though. I
don't know. I know that we've been approached
to play a couple of songs Kirk recently explained
to Defenders of the Faith podcast. I've spoken
with Paul. Paul's health, as you know, is not
good. but I think I'm crossing my fingers that
we will be able to play at least one song. I
don't know what that is yet, and I don't even
know who's going to be inducting us yet. Simon,
we hope you are correct. We would love to hear
one last song from you two. This is Johnny Rohypnol.
That was your music news, and remember, bar chords
are bullshit. Now it's time for Pick Up Lines
from a Loser. Do you believe in love? for a sec?
Or should I walk by again? Your mama's so stupid,
she tried to climb Mountain Dew. You watch the
news. It looks grim. Is an apocalypse inevitable?
We suggest you download all our podcasts beforehand
and have multiple mobile chargers. We have the
most apocalypse. need is first aid. Have several
kits in metal canisters, one in your bunker and
the rest buried near natural markers such as
odd trees or natural clearings, gauze, salve,
ointment, antibiotics, sutures, thread, needles,
sharp knives, and scissors should be in all of
the kits. Two douchebags and microphone. I'm
Mark here in the Kansas City area at the Talk
is Cheap studio. And I am Rob at the beautiful
mangle arm of Lake of the Ozarks in the Duck
Blind studio. All right, Rob, how are you tonight?
I'm doing great. How are you, brother? I'm doing
fantastic. Tomorrow's Labor Day. I got three
days off in a row. I get paid to be off tomorrow,
so. Yeah, so do I. So do I. So, yeah, that's
a good feeling, isn't it? Oh, I love it. Oh,
can we do Wednesday night podcast instead of
Tuesday night? Yeah, that works. Okay, good,
good. Because Tuesday night I have downtown Kansas
City booked at a nicer hotel, and I'd forgotten
about this. I had some points that I had to use,
and I was going to lose them if I didn't. So
I was like, you know what, I'm just going to
book a little. Getaway, staycation getaway deal,
and we're going to probably go down to the city
market and have some dinner and maybe go watch
a movie downtown or something and just enjoy
the night. There you go. Yeah, so that will be
Tuesday night, and then Wednesday we'll have
our podcast, and then Thursday I'm back at it,
you know, working for a living again. Okay, so
Labor Day is tomorrow, so do you have big plans
or anything? Okay. I'm going to go over to Wheatland
over to Francis' house. Cool. We're going to
do a little work on the house. Okay, that's cool.
I'm good. Sounds like a nice productive day.
Tomorrow morning I plan on going down to the
city market and probably just sitting there.
I'm going to do like I used to do. And I haven't
had a chance to do it in quite a while. I'll
go down there and do a little writing for the
podcast and have a couple of sips of a Cubano
and just take life easy for a couple hours. So
that's my plans. We'll see if it works. I think
it will. But in case it doesn't, that's what
I plan on doing right now. So the other day I
was informed what crumping is at work. You have
any idea what crumping is? Yeah, it's made a
comeback. Evidently, it's a style of dancing
while talking. So you have to dance the whole
time that you're talking. So I started doing
this at work. I described the Nebraska -Cincinnati
game while I was dancing, and I described the
Mizzou -Central Arkansas game while dancing.
And I'm sure it was quite hilarious. Everybody
seemed to enjoy it more than I did. But I was
thinking this. Why don't we crump this whole
podcast, Rob? You want to? I've had a long day.
Okay, we'll do it later. There ain't no way I
can dance for over an hour. Okay, all right.
Not tonight. We'll make it a special edition.
Okay, okay. It'll be our crumping podcast. That's
good. Or maybe me and Tony will do it. both off.
Okay. That'll work. That'll work. Yep. That's
a better idea. So, you know, I'm really curious
to Travis and Taylor's wedding date. I'm waiting
for the number 87 with Swift to be on the back
of it. Yeah. Yeah. Because I hear that Travis
has taken her last name. I believe it. I don't
know. There you go. Oh, no. Yeah. He's getting
old. He's getting old. Swifter, maybe. I don't
know. Like those little floor cleaners. I don't
know. Now, you know what? I think Travis is going
to have a bounce back year. I do. It kind of
bothered me, though. He said he was distracted
last year. I remember last year them going, oh,
no, no, hell no, no. Travis is a... He's a consummate
professional. He would never be distracted. And
then this year he says, yeah, I guess I was distracted
last year. Thanks a lot. You're getting married
this year. You're not going to be distracted?
Yeah, yeah. Thanks a lot. You know, that Super
Bowl, you sure looked like you were there. Not.
So, anyhow. So, you know what? I can't motherfuck
him too much. I mean, you know, five Super Bowls,
six years, won three of them. So, but. Okay.
So I was sitting there looking up some information.
I saw some recent pictures of Marie Osmond. I
could not believe how young she looks at 65.
Oh, my God, dude. She doesn't look much over
40. I was like sitting there going, that cannot
be her. That's got to be an old picture. And
I looked and looked at Getty Images, 20, 25 picture.
She looks like she may be 41, 42 at the most.
So I've decided she has a secret pact with the
devil. Don't you think? And even if not, even
if not, let's go ahead and just say she does
because that's how she looks so young. Okay.
Yeah. And I think Val is... I was going to say
she's Mormon. Oh, that's right. She can't have
a pact with the devil. Okay. She's Mormon. She
has a pact... The Osmonds are Mormon. She has
a pact with Brigham Young then, right? Okay,
that's it. There we go. There we go. So, anyhow,
let's see. You're going to hear dogs barking
because Val just got home. She went to go visit
some friends of ours. One of them is having some
serious health issues, and I'm glad that she
got some time with them and everything. But you're
going to hear the dogs barking because she just
pulled in the driveway. So, okay. I noticed over
the last few evenings that it's getting dark
around 830, Rob. Where the hell did someone go?
Yeah, I have two. Where did summer go? I don't
even remember it being here, do you? Oh, this
is what we call into the season here. Labor Day
weekend is the season. This is it? This is when
most of the tours pack up and go home. All the
money's gone now. All that money's made in three
months, for real, isn't it? Pretty much? Yeah.
There is now. There is now. There's people there
year -round now because there's huge homes there
that people built, and they pretty much live
there. Condos. Yeah, condos all over the place.
I mean, yeah, that place has changed so much.
We were there last year in September, and I could
not believe how much it changed. So, you can't
even tell it's the same area, really. I mean...
Over 100 ,000 motorcycles. Really? When is that?
I'll look into it. I'll have that Wednesday night.
Yeah, it's coming up. It's sometime in September.
Wow. Okay. Yeah. No, they shut down Bagnell Dam
for this. Okay. I remember that. That was during
Bike Fest. Okay, okay. I actually kind of remember
it now. I know what you're talking about. Yeah,
there was like three bike gangs involved in a
fight. One of them pulled a gun and shot and
killed another gang member. Crazy ordeal. That's
a buzzkill. Yeah, that sucks. Well, hopefully
that doesn't happen this year. Yeah, it does.
Yeah. So you guys are going to have a few events
coming up, and that's cool. You know, Bike Fest
is great. It brings a lot of money to the area
and gives people a job. So that's good, or at
least for another month at least. And then usually
about October, people come down for the leaves
too. They like to see the forest areas and all
that. So that's busy. And then probably what,
about maybe people do come down for Christmas
too, don't they? But then after that... Sometimes,
yeah. Then the first of the year... Christmas
ain't that big a deal around here. The first
of the year to Memorial Day is a big nothing,
isn't it, pretty much? Yeah. That's what I thought.
Pretty much. Yep. Now, for Christmas, don't get
me wrong. Like, for Christmas, there are light
shows, like Lori's sets up their park, the town
of Lori. Mm -hmm. Oh, that's good. Wow, that's
good. That's really good. And that's in Lowry?
Yeah. Lowry, whatever. Yeah, Lowry, yeah. Okay.
Lowry. Okay, that's cool. I mean, yeah, we do
have some Christmas things, you know. That's
what I thought, because I know Eureka Springs
does too, and Table Rock Lake and Branson definitely
does. So I thought Lake and the Ozarks did too.
Yeah, we do. Palm de Tar does not have anything,
and neither does Stockton. They're not like that
big of a tourist lake. Well, they're core of
engineer also. Yeah, they can't really have that
there. Well, Table Rock is core of engineer too,
but Branson and Taney Como is not, which Taney
Como is the, what would you call it, the northeastern
edge of Table Rock Lake pretty much. It's by
definition a different lake, but it's really
the same reservoir. But anyhow. Yeah, yeah, because
it ends up blowing that into the Tannecom River.
Yeah, yeah, so, yep. So, anyhow, the NFL is less
than a week away. This Thursday, September 4th,
is the season opener. Tomorrow is September 1st.
So, three days after tomorrow, that Thursday,
we're going to have the Eagles beating the shit
out of the Cowboys. Cool. Yeah, and, you know.
Brian Schottenheimer, Marty's son, and he is
a big football player here in Kansas City. And
he is also a coach, an assistant coach for many
years, offensive coordinator for different teams.
And he's getting ready to start his first ever
head coaching gig with the Cowboys. And about
a week before, he gets ready to start his...
Season with the Cowboys, he finds out that Jerry
Jones traded his best defensive player and one
of the best players in the league, Micah Parsons,
to the Packers. How would you like that? Of course.
How would you like that? Why not? Thanks a lot,
Jerry. Thanks for fucking me out of everything.
Thanks for getting me right. You have a shot,
you blow it. Yeah. Thanks a lot, you old motherfucker.
Thanks for setting me up for failure. You're
a great fucking guy, you old bag of shit. If
I was him, I would have went in there and said,
Jerry, I need to talk to you a second. Yeah,
yeah, yeah. Here, sit down. No, no, no. I'm going
to do this standing up. I would have just fucking
whipped out my dick and started pissing all over
him. And said, I know I'm fired. That's fine.
That's what I think of you. And I left. Fuck
you. So, and then the very next night, Friday
night, it is the Kansas City Chiefs taking on
the Chargers in Brazil. The NFL is peacocking
already. They're starting off with the Eagles,
and then they are going to the Chiefs in Brazil
against the Chargers. So Jim Harbaugh can make
his fucking goofy -looking faces and his puzzled
-looking faces and walk around all pissed off
-looking, all fucking stomping. Great to watch
on primetime. Great to watch, right? Yep. Looks
like he needs to take a dump really bad. Anyhow.
So, August 16th was just another happy Saturday
at the Northwest Elementary School playground
in Vernon, Connecticut, until it wasn't. A 40
-year -old man who became trapped in a tube slide
had to be rescued by the town of Vernon Fire
Department, WKRC reported. When first responders
arrived, the unnamed man was stuck in the middle
of the slide. He was provided oxygen and ventilation
and was set up to cool the space. After about
30 minutes, which included taking the slide apart,
the man was rescued and refused medical care
or a transport to the hospital. Now, that would
be funny, wouldn't it? Yeah. You see the kids
get ready to go through there and go, Come on,
come on, Jimmy, come on down, come on. I can't.
Why? Jimmy, come on. You're not afraid of this.
No, there's a big fat man stuck in the middle.
Oh, no, there is not. There is. Oh, shit, there
is a big fat man stuck in the middle. Okay, come
on, Jimmy. Just walk down this slide. Just walk
back down the steps, and we're going to leave.
Leave that big fat man there, okay? He can figure
it out on his own. In Hillsborough County, Florida,
a drone crashed into a home around 1 .30 a .m.
on August 19th, Fox 5 TV reported. The homeowners
retrieved the drone from the backyard before
the drone's owner, Jason Brooks, 49, knocked
on the front door, at which point they called
the police. Sheriff Chad Chronister, who is a
very tough guy, he is too, he's a very good sheriff,
said that the homeowner found a cloth bag attached
to the drone with four bags inside. Three bags
with fentanyl powder and one bag of methamphetamine,
Chronister said. Each bag had a person's name
written on the bag. Which deputies arrived, they
found Brooks outside. He told them he was flying
his drone and I believed it crashed in this area
and I'm going in the backyard to find the drone.
Brooks is a 15 -time convicted felon. He was
charged with possession with intent to sell or
deliver, among other charges, and held without
bond, which I commend. Don't let that motherfucker
out. Do not. Because I guarantee you he will
do it again. 15 -time felon, 15 -time convicted
felon. Okay. You're going to make it 16? Well,
it is 16. So, you're going to make it 17? Let
the motherfucker out. So, anyhow. As landscaper
Brian Hansen mowed a lawn in St. Petersburg,
Florida. Man, these are some Florida ones. On
August 14th, he was interrupted by a man in full
gesture costume approaching him with a 12 -inch
dagger. A jester costume. The Smoking Gun reported.
Hanson positioned his mower between him and the
threatening cosplayer. Anthony Marzolla, 51,
who lives nearby, Marzolla was allegedly unhappy
about the sound of the mower and yelled at Hanson
that he cannot be mowing. Police believe Marzolla's
getup may be related to his business, the Psychedelic
Gesture Smoke Shop. I think he might have had
a little bit to smoke while he was in there.
What do you think? Yeah, got him in. Why he was
in full costume at home was not explained. He
was charged with aggravated assault with a deadly
weapon. Okay, sounds fair enough to me. Okay,
good. If anyone heard some chopping, it's because
I was cutting in and out. Now I don't believe
I am. Yeah, now it's registering better. So,
sorry, this has been kind of a screwed up podcast
here. I think it'll be okay when it's all done.
All right, I'm just going to go into something
else. Dunkin' introduces new spiked iced coffees
and iced teas. Today, Dunkin' announced its new
Dunkin' spiked iced coffees and iced teas, marking
further expansion into the ready -to -drink alcoholic
beverage market. Starting late August, Dunkin'
spiked will be available in grocery and package
stores across 12 states. It does not mention
the states, though, so I don't know what states
are going to get it the 12th. Of course. Yeah,
why would it do that? Yeah, yeah. We knew we
had an opportunity to create something special
when we saw the positive response to our previous
seasonal collaborations for Dunkin' inspired
beers. I had no idea about that. I didn't know
Dunkin' had beers. Did you? No, I didn't. I'll
have to look that up next. The growing appetite
for adult beverages inspired us to put a twist
on our customer's favorite Dunkin' iced coffee,
which sounds good to me. Ice tea and refresher
flavors, said Brian Gilbert, vice president of
retail business development at Dunkin'. Dunkin'
Spiked is perfect for the day or night enjoyment
and comes in eight distinctive flavors, available
in grocery and package stores later this month.
The new line of ready -to -drink adult beverages
elevates Dunkin's offering, and we know our 21
-plus fans will love every sip, according to
him. They just go in, shop the vodka, that's
all they do. Pretty much, yeah, pretty much.
Yeah. But he knows we'll enjoy it, though, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Duncan's Spiked Ice Coffee
has an ABV. Of 6%, drawing inspiration from the
brand's iconic coffee flavors. Dunkin' Spiked
Iced Tea, the brand's first venture into the
hard tea category, has an ABV of 5 % and offers
four signature flavors. Dunkin' Spiked Original
Ice Coffee, Dunkin' Spiked Caramel Ice Coffee,
Dunkin' Spiked Mocha Ice Coffee, and Dunkin'
Spiked Vanilla Ice Coffee. And they can be purchased
all together as a gift pack or... Six pack and
four pack of one to kind. Dunkin' Spiked Slightly
Sweet Iced Tea. Dunkin' Spiked Half and Half
Iced Tea. Dunkin' Spiked Strawberry Dragon Fruit
Iced Tea Refresher. Dunkin' Spiked Mango Pineapple
Iced Tea Refresher. And they can all be purchased
in a gift pack of 12. A little bit of all of
them. Or you can buy them in a six or a four
pack of just one of the flavors. And these will
be in grocery stores about mid -October. You
know, and I agree with their CEO. Dunkin' needs
to do something. I think they're coffees to me.
And I don't know, are you very familiar with
Dunkin' coffees at all, Rob? No. Okay. We don't
even have a Dunkin' around here. That's what
I thought. That's why I asked. To me, Dunkin'
is not complex enough. It's like they candified
the coffee, they give you black coffee, and they
put a bunch of creamer in there and sweetener.
It's not complex at all. You know, you can't
find like a good, I don't know, sweet cream and
black coffee mixture, or you can't find a good
cappuccino type of a drink. To me, it's all candified.
and I think that's where they went wrong. They
wanted to be taken seriously as a coffee company,
but I don't think they really, to me, they didn't
do the footwork and tried to figure some of this
out. To me, it's kind of like, oh, let's just
put out some black coffee that we make, and let's
put a bunch of cream or a sweetener in it, and
people will buy it. Well, I don't think it's
that easy because I know a lot of people, including
myself, that don't care for Dunkin's flavors.
Their black coffee's okay. You can, you know,
put simple syrup or whatever in it. It's okay.
But to me, the stuff that they, you know, like
the frappes or the cappuccinos or stuff like
that, to me, they're not complex enough. They're
too much of a simple beverage to be that good.
So, anyhow, I wish them luck. I mean, this might
be good or may not. Who knows? So, all right,
Rob, let's turn this over to you. All right,
all right. That would be nice. Seriously. It's
possible. It's possible that you have to see.
Okay. After work, right, I had to run up to Sunrise
Beach directly after work. Mm -hmm. And seeing
how we have some Sunrise Beach listeners, you're
going to enjoy this one. We do, quite a few.
Mm -hmm. Okay. Yes, yeah. Ozark log, man. I come
driving by just as that camera woman brought
that camera up and turned. I don't know if the
camera was on. We could have some advertising.
That would be awesome. Because I do have it across
the windshield. Oh, I love that. I love that.
They're probably figuring out how to scrub it
right now. That does sound cool. I like that.
They serve Missouri wines, sangria, and crop
brews. They have a light menu of soup, sandwiches,
and small plates. They have a covered porch and
patio and ramming views. Cool. Yeah, I mean,
you guys check it out. It's a nice place. It's
beautiful. I am going to check it out. That sounds
great. Okay. I lived down wide road for years.
I watched them build this place. Okay. Excellent.
Thank you, Rob. Let's take our first break. Going
to come back with a few emails. That sound good?
Sounds good. All right. Be right back. Hey there,
Slap Nets. It's time for the Creeps Music News.
Hey, my little pumpkin seeds, this is Johnny
Rohypnol with your music news. Ozzy Osbourne,
in collaboration with Liquid Death, sold 10 empty
crushed ice tea cans containing his DNA for $450
each. The cans were part of a promotion called
Infinitely Recyclable Ozzy. They have since sold
out. The cans were sealed in lab jars and contain
a sample of Ozzy's saliva. This is Johnny Rohypnol.
That was your music news. And remember, bar chords
are bullshit. This is Joshua Belmont, your food
for thought man on the hustle. So I just realized
a genius that gets absolutely no credit. His
name is Marshall Taylor. He is credited with
the first bag of salad mix that was bagged and
sold. Yesterday was his birthday. I believe he
is still alive. This guy's genius will never
be fully appreciated. Before this man, we settled
for iceberg lettuce with maybe a couple of croutons
and some cheese. Was Mr. Taylor satisfied with
that? Hell no. He realized that Billy Americana
would never go out and buy a couple of radishes,
a couple of carrots, a head of purple cabbage,
maybe snow peas, and possibly some cute romaine
bladders for extra bougie. Mr. Taylor, you should
have a national holiday. Hey there, fuckstick.
You're just in time for brand new feature news
nobody gives a shit about. An Idaho man snaps
110 pencils in one minute, beating the old world
record. Of 80. Oh, shit. What's that over there?
Oh, no. It's the island of horrible jokes. What
do you call a bundle of hay in church? Christian
bale. What's inside Mark's head? Sounds stupid
to me. If you took my first name backwards, it
would read as cram. Next up, things overheard
in hell. The Scott Baio, Aaron Moran comedy hour
with special guest star Art Carney is coming
up tonight for a mandatory viewing. Have you
ever wondered what something is about? Have you
ever looked at something and said, Hmm, I wonder
what the origin of that is? Well, so have we.
That's why we give you The Origin Of. This is
the story of Dr. Pepper. Originally made in Morrison's
Old Corner Drugstore in Waco, Texas, the drink's
unique flavor was a hit when it was first sold
in 1885. Wade Morrison, the drugstore owner,
named it Dr. Pepper. After Dr. Charles Pepper,
a Virginia doctor who the father of a girl, Morrison,
he was once in love with. You can still go to
the Dr. Pepper Museum and still purchase the
original formula with pure artesian well water
and pure cane sugar. It's quite a treat if you're
into Dr. Pepper. Have I ever told you about my
prank phone call deal that I used to do? No.
Well, this was the old quick trip in Belvedere,
the one right off the highway, right off of 71
or 49 or whatever, and 155th Street down there
in that little pit there right off the exit ramp.
There used to be a quick trip. And one day I'm
like in there getting a soda or some shit, right?
And I noticed the phone rang. Is this probably
a drug deal or something? Yeah. And some guy
jumps out of his car and starts answering. I'm
like, huh, I didn't know those things had numbers.
Not only did I not know they have numbers, I
didn't realize that people fucking answer them.
Yeah, the idea of calling into a payphone didn't
occur to me until I saw someone do it on a TV
show. I was like, what? You can do that? I thought
it was just one way you got on there and said,
hey, I'm down here at the Quick Trip, man. Whenever
you want to come down, I got the pet cage and
the rubbers. Whatever. So anyhow, so I walk over
there, and I get a pen from the guy on the quick
trip and wrote down the numbers. There was like
three of them, and they're like, you know, in
a little semi -circle. And back in the days,
I mean, like you mentioned the other day, how
nasty that was. Yeah. Some guy would get up there
and start spitting all over the phone, talking,
and then you'd go pick it up right after. Yeah.
Jam it right up to the hole in your face that
you eat through. Now when I think about it, I
cringe. So anyhow, it is probably a dirt bag
from Belvedere anyhow with no key. You know,
fuck. So anyhow, I get these numbers down. And
anyhow, one day I'm over at my friend Davey's
and we're bored. And I go, hey man, I got something
we can do. What's that? See these three numbers?
Yeah. They're the number two, the pay phones,
and Belvedere QuickTrip. Oh, really? Let's just
call it and fuck with people. Yeah, sure. Okay.
So, you know, we'd call up, and the first time,
it took a long time. I don't think anyone was
there. Someone answered, hello. Hey, you know,
this is Payphone. I go, hey, you know, you're
a dickhead. You know, just started screwing with
him. Yeah, you're a piece of shit, man. Hey,
you know who I got right next to me? Who? Your
mom. Ah. You know, people get pissed off. Fuck
you, bitch, and all this stuff. So, anyhow, we'd
call him up and harass him. People get so fucking
mad. You know, we get them so mad, they threaten
to kill us. They're going to come over and we're
like, well, you're going to kill me when you
don't know where I'm at, bitch. You know, this
is before, this is in. maybe early 90s at the
most, late 80s, whatever, somewhere in that time
frame. And, I mean, it was just, I mean, we had
nothing else to do, so we'd call up and just
get people so mad. Davey used to do this farmer
impression. He used to tell a guy that his fucking
goats were in his yard, and he was mad. Or, your
fucking cattle trampled my fucking sheep, you
bitch. I don't have, I don't have no farm. Yeah,
you do, you son of a bitch. I know this is you,
Mr. Johnson. You get your ass over here and you
get my dead fucking sheep and you better fucking
bury it. If you don't, I'm going to come over
there and I'm going to slap the stupid out of
you and that's going to take all day because
you're pretty fucking stupid. And he would just
keep railing on them and the people get so mad
and argue about, I don't have a farm. I ain't
got no farm, you dumb son of a bitch. And he
would just keep going, ain't got no farm, you
dumb son of a bitch. And these people get so
mad. So anyhow, one day I'm over there. I'm like,
hmm, you know, it's starting to get boring. People
get mad. Then they hang up. Then a lot of people
just go, ah, fuck you, you know, and hang up.
The smarter ones do. And although I question
him answering a pay phone. And everyone goes,
oh, you know this is a pay phone, don't you?
You know, it's like, okay. I heard that one before.
All right, hang on. Oh, yeah, you're right. I'm
sorry. You know, what do you do? I noticed there's
a White House right behind there. So anyhow,
I'm like, okay, all right. Everyone always wants
to know where I live at. I guess I'm going to
live in that White House right behind the pay
phone. So anyhow, you know, most people are just
kind of like they hang up and they don't want
to go to that White House. This one guy that
I was fucking with just constantly going, hey,
you piece of shit, man. Yeah, you just don't
sound right without a dick in your mouth. You
sound completely different. You ball gargler.
And all this stuff, man. You smell like chode.
And this guy's just getting fucking madder than
ever. I'm going to beat the shit out of you.
Where you at? And I go, you want to know where
I'm at, bitch? Yeah. Now, over there. Look to
your left. Oh, no, no. Not that left. The other
left, moron. Okay, you see that left? Over there?
See that White House? I'm right here, motherfucker.
I'm looking out the window. I'm waiting for your
fucking fat ass to come beat me up. I'm going
to smack the stupid out of you, and I'm going
to do it in front of everybody. I'm going to
call people over to watch me smack the fuck out
of you. And this guy's getting mad. Oh, you son
of a bitch. I'm going to fucking kill you. And
I'm pretty sure the guy went over there. He was
so mad. So he was so mad that he didn't even
completely hang up. I heard it go click and then
it fell on the ground. So he didn't look back
or nothing. And anyhow, I hear a car peeling
out. So I don't know about that guy in that White
House, but I'm pretty sure he got into a pretty
good fight. She looked at the police blotter
the next day. Man in White House beaten to death
by outraged ill -billy. There wasn't an internet,
so it was like one of those deals where I had
to wait for one of those little regional magazines,
like the Southside or whatever, the Grandview
Circle or whatever, the Grandview Dick Smack
or whatever. One of those stupid little fucking
mags to come out. Southside idiot, whatever.
So, hey, I never did find out, you know, and
I didn't want to know. I was afraid someone might
have got killed in that whole scuff up, you know,
but, yeah. Could be. It was at the hands of entertainment,
so I justified it. Yeah, yeah. Were you briefly
entertained? Oh, I was entertained for a while.
I mean, especially the guys that just continue
to get mad and just continue to try to insult
you and one -up you without a brain. And you
continue like Davey, just roll over so many insults
on him. And they just keep getting madder and
madder and go, oh yeah, fuck you. Oh my God,
you got me. Oh, you went to the F -bomb. Oh,
someone get me some iced tea. Oh, my God. Oh,
the pain. You know. Anyhow, so the finality was
ice calling down there. And this is later. I
got bored with it. And I went back to it. And
this chick answers. And I started saying something,
you know. Just started blathering some sort of
shit to try to piss her off. She goes, Mark Wallace.
Ah. Ah. Oops. Who is this? This is Danielle.
Oh, fuck. What are you doing calling a pay phone?
Long story. Hey, she busted me. That was the
last time I called. I'm like, fuck, man. That's
it, man. No fun anymore. It's done. Yep. Cancel
Christmas. Yeah. Pharmacy's closed. Two douchebags
and a microphone. I'm Mark here in the Kansas
City area at the Talk is Cheap studio. And I
am Rob at the beautiful angle arm of Lake of
the Ozarks in the Duck Blind studio. Real quick,
I want to mention something here before I go
into emails. I read an article this morning,
right before I came to work, about the Vice President
J .D. Vance bitching about the referee. He's
a Cincinnati Bengals fan. And he's bitching about
how the Kansas City Chiefs are always getting
help from the referees. J .D., you're the fucking
vice president of the greatest nation on earth.
And you're fucking worried about this. That's
all you have time for? Is the Chiefs are cheating?
You subscribe to that theory? You do? Really?
And you're probably going to run for president
next time around? I've got your answer, J .D.
Teach your boy, Joey Burrow, how to fucking juggle.
That way everyone will like him better than Mahomes.
There you go. Problem fucking solved. You're
welcome. Is every Bengals fan a Chiefs hater?
Every Bengals fan is a whiner. They're a fucking
whiner. That's what they are. They cannot handle
the fact that we continually kick their ass.
And the one time Mahomes gave them a present
and threw an interception in overtime, the one
time they went and they shit down their leg in
the Super Bowl and lost. Not our fault. Anyhow.
All right. You're starting to sound like the
Raiders. Yeah. Poor guys. I'm talking about the
Raiders that shut up. Yeah, they can't really.
They're kind of like, well. We've proven it over
and over with them. They only come around whenever
they start winning, and they're like, we're the
best. And it's like, okay, whatever. They can't
do that. They can't even begin to do that. So
they're kind of like in Heidi right now. They're
like rats. They scatter when you turn the chief's
light on. Yeah, they're okay. They're damn chiefs.
They're fucking chiefs again. Get a life. Jeez.
All right. First one, Rob, you're being taken
off the Lake Freeman Board of Directors. We don't
feel you are taking the duty seriously. Please
send in your badge immediately and please no
groveling. It's over. Mitch, Lake Freeman Code
Enforcer and local tune spinner. at Harold's
Tavern. Rob? He just kicked you in the nuts.
He kicked you in the nuts, Rob. Just wait. Just
wait. Mitch! I got something coming. And no,
Mitch, you're not coming for me. We're not friends.
Nope. You're a dickhead. You don't like me, and
I think it's funny. You just kicked Rob in the
nuts, your buddy. Rob's going to kick you back,
and then that's only harder. Yeah, I am. Just
wait. Mitch, you just burnt your bridge down
to nothing. Yeah, it's funny, because you know
what I've got coming up. Yes, I know. That's
going to be the worst. Mitch, you just fucked
it up, and you don't even know yet. You'll find
out later. Anything more, Rob? Anything more
you want to say? Anything you want to add to
that? I don't know. Okay, there you go. It won't
do no good. Yep. Hey, keep emailing them. Yeah,
keep emailing us. You keep us entertained. But
other than that, go fuck yourself. All right,
next one. Mark, could you look up a story on
the warehouse and the two -way radio shenanigans?
I just remember that one, but can't find it.
Hopefully you still have it. Ronnie in Tulsa.
D, Tulsa King. Topher has it. And I know what
he's talking about. It was a food service. Okay,
it wasn't a food service place. It was like a
restaurant depot type of place that sells equipment,
all kinds, from paper plates to microwaves to
deep fat fryers to even the fat that goes in
a deep fat fryer. It was a restaurant surplus
or whatever, a restaurant. What it does, I can't
think of the name of the place. It's no longer
there. But the guy... thought he was nordic even
though he had like an obviously german last name
and when you walked into this business he had
this big oil painting of himself in this viking
outfit only i'm pretty sure he was german by
his last name and um the two -way radio shenanigans
was there was this old biker and this old lady
that fucking hated each other and she had this
raspy voice she sounded like a man And she smoked
cigarettes constantly. And they hated each other.
And I was in between. Their two -way radios would
only, they'd give out about halfway and half
the time. It wouldn't go to the other guys. So
I'd sit there and I learned each other's voices.
And I made shit up and just sent it to the other
person and pissed them off. And did all different
kinds of stuff. Played tricks on them. I will
find that. I'm going to get a lot of the... I'm
going to get all the first four or five seasons,
whatever we're missing. I'm going to get them
all from Topher and the rest I have. And I'm
going to start incorporating little bits and
pieces like I have been into the newer shows.
And that will be one of them. And I wish I could
remember the name of the company that I work
for. But anyhow, that guy right there. Yeah.
And eventually they got new radios and I got
caught and I was fired. And the next day I was
digging ditches, very unhappy. But it was fun.
It was fun getting there, though. So I remember
one time I sent a message back to the old biker
guy. And I told him that, like, we're going to
start. I was acting like the vice president of
the place. Like I said, I learned all these voices
really good. And I told him, I said, we're going
to start playing games with truckers. Okay, when
the truckers come in, what we're going to do
is we're going to have them throw, like we have
one of those cornhole games, because like I said,
this is a restaurant supplier, right? So we had
cornhole games. I said, grab one of those cornhole
games, take it out of stock, okay, and set it
up next to where they put the pallets and have
them come in and throw a couple of cornhole games.
And if they do good, if they beat you, then you're
going to give them a prize. And I gave him all
these things, like from toaster ovens to fucking
oven mitts. And then the old bitch come back
here, what the fuck are you doing, you old burnout
piece of shit? And he's going, I was fucking
told by Vice President to set up a game. She
goes, no, you're a stupid ass. He never said
that. Well, you're the one who told me. No, I
didn't, you son of a bitch. Like I said, I had
their voices down. So they thought I was giving
them all this stuff. I got to find it. I got
to play it. I forgot all about that. Thank you,
Tulsa King. You're awesome. Oh, man. And then
one day, I guess they figured out they're talking
amongst each other and going, hey, did you say
this the other? No, I didn't. Did you say this?
And they knew I was the go -between. I was the
guy in the middle, right, with walkie -talkie.
I was the only one with walkie -talkies. So they
figured it out. So they got a brand -new pair.
And I thought each one of them couldn't hear
the other one again, but they could. So I kept
adding my own stuff. And the whole time they're
sitting there going, uh -huh, uh -huh, uh -huh.
Then finally they converged on me and said, hey,
you piece of shit, we know what you're doing.
So anyhow, it was fun while it lasted. Okay,
is there any way I can get a Spanish version
of the show? I would like to piss all the Hispanics
off at the local car wash in Gainesville. Thanks.
Larry in Shreveport. Okay. Gainesville. The local
car wash in Gainesville. That's Florida, right?
But he's Larry in Shreveport? Yeah, I thought
that too. But still, that's a good idea. Yeah,
okay. Yeah, we have a Telemundo radio channel.
It's called El Duce Bagario. El Duce Bagario.
Right? Isn't that it, Rob? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You got it. Yeah, look it up. El Douche Bag of
Rio. And we're on Telemundo Radio. So look it
up. And that's your Spanish version. All right.
I forgot about this one. Rob, I would really
love your rhubarb ginger dip recipe. Thanks in
advance. Jerry in Venice. Rob, all yours. Oh,
shit. Take a block of cream cheese, pop up some
rhubarb, and one of them is the other one. Okay,
let's clarify that again. What is that recipe,
Rob? I'm sorry. Okay, what was the ingredients
again? I thought you said cream cheese, rhubarb,
and ginger. You mix it all together. You mix
it all together. Do you melt it in the microwave?
Do you stir it over a pot? Okay, melt it in a
microwave. And that's it? Yeah, that's it. Rhubarb,
ginger, and cream cheese. Cream cheese, yep.
There you go, Larry. No, no, no, Jerry. We got
a Larry and a Jerry. Larry in Shreveport and
Jerry in Venice. All right. People, I don't know.
People are playing games. I don't know. Anyhow,
they're entertaining. I love it, though. I do,
too. Mark, I absolutely love the I Call Bullshit
short spots. I really hope more are in your plans.
Mickey and DC, yes. I'm writing out a couple
right now. This one, it's going to take a little
while because there's like many aspects of it.
And it's going to be like a series of five of
them. because I can't just do what I call bullshit
because it's really about a 30 -minute piece.
But I wanted to be standalone because these little
short takes, they get a lot of hits. People can
always listen to them in 10 minutes. So they're
like, oh, there's 10 minutes. All right, hey,
I'll listen to it real quick. They get a phenomenal
amount of hits, so they're really great for our
brand. Okay? This one I'm going to break up into,
I don't know, six or seven different pieces and
have them be about five minutes long, something
like that. But it takes quite a bit of research,
and everything that I'm doing, I have to go forward
and look at something and then come back. So
it's going to take a minute. But, yes, I have
more of them planned. Rob has some of them planned.
So this is something that's going to stay in
our future. What did you say, Rob? Yeah, so,
yeah, I'm glad you enjoy it. Thank you. So that's
the end of the emails. Like I said, summertime,
we really don't get nearly as many emails during
the chillier days, you know, because people are
inside. So that's all I got. So, anyhow, Rob.
All right, hey, did you get our segment together
for tonight? Nipple, you ain't got nothing to
ask cheap, right? Yes, I did. Okay. While you're
talking about it, I gotta find it, but go ahead.
Okay. I'm gonna start off with my Netflix goes
to Kareem Abdul -Jabbar. Oh, cool. I'm running
right to his legs. I love doing that to the tall
ones. Cool. Very cool. My nipple yank goes to
Willie Nelson. You're going to have to look in
his shoe. I'll do what I got to do. Okay. Reason
being, I recently went to the dispensary up here
and got some Willie's reserved. That man has
some good pot, just saying. Willie? Willie's
Reserve? Yeah, Willie's Reserve. That's where
I was going Friday night, was to the dispensary.
When I see it all in cops. Does it have a picture
of Willie on it? No, it just says Willie's Reserve.
But it's kind of got like a western look. Oh,
I could see that. Awesome. Very good one. I like
those. There you go. Okay. My nut flick is going
to go to Wilford Brimley, even though he's not
still alive. That does not exempt him from a
nut flick, does it, Rob? No, it does not. No,
he gets a nut flick, and I'm sure it won't hurt,
you know, because, you know, he's not alive,
but he still gets it, and it's not out of anger.
We love him, right? It's a playful nut flick.
The nipple yank, and I'm not volunteering to
do this. I'm going to pay someone to do this.
It goes to Roseanne Barr. Oh, shit. Yes, yes.
She gets a nipple yank, but I'm paying someone
to do it. And then the same with this ass cheek
bite. I'm not doing it myself. I'm going to pay
someone to do it, but I wanted to go to Dave
Drayman of Disturbed, lead singer. Ooh. Yeah.
I think that he would be particularly angered
by this and disturbed. No pun intended. Well,
okay, maybe. Maybe. But anyhow. Yes, I think
it would be funny to see his reaction. Yes, I
think it would be too. Yep. So those are my three.
Those are your three. So do you have something
you want to go into? Go on. Okay. I could never
be that bored. Could you? How bored do you have
to be? Hey, what do you want to do today? Um,
hey, I just got this Kevlar helmet. Let's see
if it works. Fuck. Okay, now, it is, I can see
it's doing it, but... Yeah, you know what, I
gotta give him that. I mean... I got one for
you. Remember Lance had that billy goat in the
back? Yeah, yeah. And he used to give you a football
helmet and you'd go butt heads with it when you
were fucked up? Yeah, yeah. Okay, this is kind
of like that, only this is a little bit, right?
Yeah, just take it a little on the edge. Yeah,
yeah. Lance was a very interesting fella, wouldn't
you say? We'd all get all kinds of fuckered up
at his place there. He lived near that quick
trip on Holmes Road, remember? Yeah. Yeah. And
he would, before we even know he owned a goat
in back, we'd be over there getting fuckered
up, and all of a sudden he'd go, hey, put on
that football helmet. What? Yeah, put on that
football helmet and follow me. Okay. Put on that
football helmet and go, here, go butt heads with
him. What? Yeah, go butt heads with him. It's
fun. I'll be damned if it wasn't fun, was it?
I did too, man. That goat, he was pretty, he
was full of piss and vinegar, man. He would butt
you right back. That was your initiation at Lance's
house. If he liked you, you'd have to butt heads.
Yes. Yeah. But then once you started, you didn't
want to stop. No, no. It's like, hey, I'll just
stay out here. You guys go ahead. What do you
mean you're lighting up another bong? That's
okay. I'll be out here. So. Kevin is a performance
artist who likes to wrap himself in a piece of
carpet and lie on the ground where people will
step on or over him. This is not a fetish for
me, he said. It's a Zen -type state. I'm feeling
the people, hearing what they're talking about.
Some even remember him from the club scene. It's
amazing he's still around, said one commentator
on the May 4 TikTok post. Others call him perverted
and sick, but one deadpan, that's just Kevin
Carpet. Kevin Carpet has been performing in New
York for 40 years, wrapping himself in a piece
of carpet and lying on the ground while people
step on him, over him, and around him. I have
nothing else to say about that. Rob, you? Do
people pay money for this? From what I understand,
No. He just lies there, and they know he's there,
and they step over him, on him, and around him.
Okay. And that's it. He's called, he says, he's
a performance artist. I don't see the problem
with it. I don't care either. I don't care either.
It doesn't bother me at all. He said it's a Zen
-type state when people step on you and step
over you. But it's not a fetish. He wants you
to know it's not a fetish. All right. Just want
you to know, Rob, okay? It's not a fetish, right?
Okay. Not a fetish, right? No. I believe you.
Okay. Just saying. All right. Kevin says it's
not a fetish, okay? Your turn. Kevin says it's
not a fetish. It's not a fetish. No. Hey, let's
take our second break, and then we'll come back
with something from you, okay? All right. Sounds
good. Okay. We'll be right back. Now, for a limited
time only, Rob Rad's new video series, How to
Booty Clap and Quirk. That's right. Rob shows
you his signature booty clap and how to quirk
with ease. Order today. and get a free pair of
thongs with Rob's initials on them. That's right.
Rob's initials on a pair of thongs and learn
how to booty clap with the best. Rob. Oh, my.
Would you look at the rightly scattering? It
sure is brilliant tonight. First off, you're
on private property. Second, you're in my flower
garden. Third. If you're talking about the sunset,
yes, it is stunning. And finally, would you get
the hell off my property, you annoying fucking
bastard? Oh, shit. Who's that over there walking
towards us? Oh, no. Isn't that right back at
you, darling? Man, I went to the doctor yesterday
and he discovered blood clots all over my legs.
I'm going to have to have them amputated tomorrow.
Yeah, yeah. Right back at you. called Clint.
Wow, no shit. How strange. Yeah, I call it Clint
Eats Wood. Our constant pursuit for a real knee
slapper. It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity. I'll never forget the day we met,
but I'll keep trying. Yes, it's true. Mark is
an old bastard. It's also true that Mark uses
a lot of ibuprofen. But Mark would like to tell
you, if you see any pictures of him roofing ibuprofen,
It's obviously fake, and you're to take the pictures
and tear them up immediately. Strange, but true.
There are lakes that peel the flesh off your
bones. Lake Natron in Tanzania is so alkaline
it can burn through skin. It also mummifies animals
that fall in, leaving creepy stone -like statues
behind. Tomorrow morning, while grinding your
coffee beans for your double mocha latte, remember
to not get your genitals caught in the grinder.
It really hurts. And who can afford plastic surgery?
Stay safe, everyone. Microphone, I'm Mark here
in the Kansas City area. Talk is cheap studio.
We turn it over to you. Ardmore. I know where
that's at. Yeah, you know how much those beers
cost? Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Yeah. Wow,
that's a waste of money. That's a big waste of
money, and also it's alcohol abuse. Exactly.
Yeah. They tell you not to abuse alcohol, and
what do they do? They throw the beer. How do
you think that beer feels? What do you think?
I'd like to be a nice, clean, refreshing cold
beer, and instead of going down someone's gullet,
it gets thrown at somebody. How would you feel?
I'd be pissed myself. I would, too. I would be
one mad fucking beer. I'd be like, what the hell?
I'm here, all refreshing, ready to be drank,
and you throw me at somebody. What did I do in
life? Where did I go wrong? Yep, Rob, some things
just don't make sense. I don't know. I feel bad
for that beer, don't you? Yes, I do. All right.
Okay, is that it? Is that the story? Yeah, that
was it. Okay, all right. In an astonishing patch
of bad luck, or was it? An 83 -year -old driver
from Pomona, New York, has run his car into the
same bank with the same car. On the same day
of the week, twice within six weeks. The Briarcliff
Daily Voice reported that on May 2nd, an unnamed
driver ran into the Webster Bank in Nanute and
sustained minor injuries. The same driver also
hit the bank on March 21st, crashing through
a plate glass window in front of the building.
In the latest incident, the car crashed through
the plywood covering. The damage from the first
hit after the March crash. The driver said he
thought his car had been in park when he stepped
on the gas. He mistook the brake for the accelerator
in the second incident. That guy probably should
not be driving. I think so, too. I don't know
if there's any more to that that you can really
add, except... Take that guy's license before
he kills somebody. End of story. Yeah, please.
Please. Look, yeah, up there in New York, I know
you have a lot of other shit going on, but really,
pick this guy off before he gets behind the wheel
again. Honestly. So, Rob, you got something?
Yeah, I do. The people responsible for reviving
the Karate Kid universe with the Cobra Kai TV
series have their eyes set on another 1980s pop
culture hit. According to the Hollywood Reporter,
John Perowitz, Hayden Schlossenberg, and Josh
Heald currently are in the... Nice. Yeah, the
Hollywood Reporter says the trio are in early
talks about producing and writing a script. Horowitz
and Schlossberg would direct. Knight Rider would
star David Hasselhoff as Michael Knight and William
Daniels as Kit. The Voice of the Trans Am aired
on NBC from 1982 to 1986. I still can remember
The Voice, can you? I'm in. Are you? Yes, yes.
That sounds cool to me. The tech revolution.
Visitors to Jeondan No. 3 Park in Jeongyu, Seoul,
South Korea, may rub their eyes when they see
a life -size uniformed policeman. Oddly Central
reported on August 15th that because... The officer
is a 3D hologram that patrols between 7 and 10
p .m., assuring people that in emergencies, the
police will respond immediately, and there are
surveillance cameras everywhere. The specter
-like officers are intended to increase people's
perception of safety. A sensor installation in
October, data show that they have a significant
impact on crime in the park, decreasing incidents
by 22%. If it works, it works, right? Yeah. Yeah,
why not? I mean, you know, it's cheap enough,
too. I mean, they already have it there. All
they can do is run it every night at the cost
of electricity, I guess, right? Yeah, I can see
that, yeah. Okay. I've got a bunch of small stories,
so you got something? I'm looking. I'm looking
over what I have. I've got to come up with something.
Okay, if not, I have some stuff. I'll come up
for it. I'll come up for it. heinous incident,
the governor said in a statement, the offenses
carry jail terms for at least two years. So there
you go. No pole dancing in Turkey, Rob. I know,
I know, I know. None of those shenanigans. I
thought that was one of their main attractions.
That's what I thought, too. I mean, I was going
to go over there just to pole dance, but I guess
not now. I even had my leggings and my long shirt
and everything. I was ready to go. Yep, I may
or not have been wearing panties. I can't tell
you. I can't tell you until I start dancing.
And then you'll know. Right, Rob? Yep. Just like
your loincloth, right? There may be something
underneath it. There may not. It just depends
on the day, right? Exactly. That's right. And
how hot it is, right? Oh, definitely. Yeah, that
heat. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, if it's too hot, then
you don't want any undergarments. You just go
ahead and drip dry, right? Yep. All right. All
right, Rob, did you find something? Yeah, I did.
All right. A woman had the shock of her life
after her boyfriend who lived with her had been
arrested while she was out of state. That's what
Emily experienced after she left her boyfriend
home alone to visit her family in Tennessee.
In a video with 5 ,000 views on TikTok, Oh! Okay.
And then the rest of the story is just comments.
Yeah. I'd be pissed if I was her. I would be,
too. That guy doesn't sound too... Yeah. Okay,
then. Well... And he's pretty much bragging about
it on TikTok. Good job. Oh, she is. Oh, she is.
She's telling everybody about it. Oh, she is.
Okay. Okay. Gotcha. Wow. All right. Well, do
you want to go ahead and just cut this off now?
It's 920. Yeah, sounds good. All righty. Okay.
Hi, Albuquerque. Hi, Grandma Opal. Hi, Jimmy.
Everybody, thank you for listening. Have a good
night, assholes. Looks like the show's over,
kids. Mark has explosive diarrhea and can't afford
a wireless mic. Fear not, assholes. They'll be
back invading your ear holes soon.