Hey, you fucking derelicts. It's time for the
Daily Douchebag Pledge. I, Joe or Jane Listener,
hereby promise to download the show. I, Joe or
Jane Listener. Hereby promise to grab other people's
phones, unattended computers, public computers,
and all of my work computers as well, and download
the show from there. I, Joe or Jane Listener,
hereby promise to make other people listen. I,
Joe or Jane Listener. will hereby lie to everyone
about how quality the show is. I, Joe or Jane
Listener, promise to make all my family members
listen and recite the daily douchebag pledge.
And finally, I, Joe or Jane Listener, hereby
promise to make the trek to Knobloch, Missouri,
just to have a selfie with the Knobloch sign.
Here at Two Douchebags and a Microphone, we don't
stand behind our journalistic integrity. Go ahead
and assume we got the story wrong. At least we
admit it. Not like all those other guys. We can
and will lie if it makes the story better. Two
douchebags and a microphone. And now we look
in on the adventures of the technical explanation
guy. Why, excuse me, my dear chap. Could you
please pass the sodium chloride? Do you mean
the salt? Why, yes. Yes, I do. Then just say
the salt, you dumb motherfucker. Yes, it's true.
Mark is an old bastard. It's also true that Mark
uses a lot of ibuprofen. But Mark would like
to tell you, if you see any pictures of him roofing
ibuprofen, it's obviously fake, and you're to
take the pictures and tear them up immediately.
Hey, my fellow heavy breathers, this is Dash
Riptide with your music news. A new book about
the formation led Zeppelin to arrive in September.
The product of years of research, this enormous
book contains the most detailed and accurate
account yet of the pathway to Led Zeppelin's
formation and the events of their tumultuous
first year. Along is a wealth of rare material
concerning the members' earlier careers and reproductions
of virtually every piece of press they received
between getting together in August 1968 and the
release of Led Zeppelin II in October 1969. Bolger
had barely seen archival information and imagery.
The feature and a long introduction by the renowned
music journalist Chris Welch, who knew them from
the start. Tour with them and visit them at home.
It is simply essential for the many admirers.
The 348 -page Led Zeppelin, The Only Way to Fly,
will be made available in a limited edition large
format hardback quarter bound and clop. The first
250 pre -orders of the book will receive an exclusive
poster and Jimmy Page's used underwear. Allegedly.
No, not really. But you do get the poster. Out.
Hey, my fellow heavy breathers. This is Dash
Riptide. Your music news. Your mama's so ugly,
her portraits hang themselves. I have a pet termite
I call Clint. Wow, no shit. How strange. Yeah,
I call it Clint Eats Wood. So you want proof
that we love you here at QD Spades and Microphone
Central? Here's a proof right here. How about
the drink of the week? Hey there, you little
snack cakes. This is Norwegian's Best Drinks.
Norwegian Cruise Lime has long been known as
one of the best drink bakers on the high seas,
if not the best. In this drink, it's no different.
It's one of the most popular, and it's really
good. A smoked peach margarita. It involves one
ounce of 1800 silver tequila, one half ounce
of mezcal, a quarter ounce of triple sec, half
ounce of organic agave, Half ounce of peach puree
and one half ounces of fresh wine juice. Garnish
with hibiscus salt on the rim and dried blood
orange slices on the rim. Add all ingredients
and shake. And don't be bashful. Shake like nuts.
And then put it in a glass with crushed ice and
enjoy. Two douchebags and a microphone. I'm Mark
here in the Kansas City vicinity, and the name
of this studio is the Talk is Cheap Studio, and
I don't know what else to say except eh, eh,
eh. Hi, I'm Rob. It's a beautiful angle arm of
Lake of the Ozarks in the Duck Blind Studio.
Wah, wah. I know what to say. Okay, I got an
email that I'm not going to say during the emails,
but someone wanted to know how come. The goat
noise has anything to do with the talk is cheap
studio. Duck blind is obvious. Duck blind studio,
and you go, wah, wah. They want to know how come
I got it. Well, yes, the goat noise is my signature.
I used to do it on cruises. I'd turn off the
balcony lights, and a balcony on a cruise is
generally a partition. So you can hear each other
very well. And I would turn the lights off, and
I would sit in the corner and watch the ocean.
And I'd go, very softly, go, eh, eh, eh, eh,
eh. And then you'd hear them. Actually, you have
told that story on the show, so they've got to
go back a long ways. Yeah, yeah. So this person's
wondering. Like two or three years to get that
story, because I remember you telling that story.
Yeah, yeah. And it's funny, because you'd hear
them talking, and all of a sudden they'd shut
up. And you can tell they're kind of like hand
motioning each other, like, hey, you know, hey,
I thought I heard a goat. You know, and you can
kind of tell they're doing that without, you
know, saying it too loud. And then I'd stop,
and then they'd forget about it and start talking
again. And I'd go, and real low. And they'd eventually
hear it, and then you'd hear them stop talking
again and try to hear the goat noise that's elusive
that they can never not separate from the rest
of the noise. It's funny. And so, in other words,
I forgot who your name was, but okay. Sorry,
I forgot your name. I lost a piece of paper,
like always, when I was getting ready to... Okay.
The goat noise has... Yeah, yeah. And then you
came up. Yeah. And you're the duck. You've been
called duck your whole life. When I knew you
back then, you were a duck. You've always been
duck your whole life. My stepdad started calling
me duck from the age of 13. Oh, my dad. My dad.
I know. My stepdad. He was my dad. Ron, right?
No. No, that wasn't Ron. Oh, Tom. The Duke's
dad. Oh, the Duke's dad. Okay. Okay, cool. Yeah,
yeah. That is your dad. That's your dad. Yes.
Yes. Okay. All right. So we salute you, Tom.
Awesome guy. And you're never forgotten great
father. Yes. Okay. So I had my upper GI today.
I think I... No, no, no. It's fine. I had the
scope, the upper GI scope today, and everything
turned out pretty good. I mean, I could have
swore I had an ulcer. I thought I had a, what
do they call it, a heidel hernia. You know, because
whenever I lift, I can feel it up in my chest
cavity pretty much. And it turned out to just
be they're giving me some new medicine and I
cannot take ibuprofen anymore because that's
one of the big culprits. And I could actually
tell because whenever I took ibuprofen, I could
tell my stomach just like getting really acidy
and bubbling over. I've got to find a new pain
reliever. Like I said, like you, Rob, I worked
my whole life. It's caught up with me. It caught
up with me a few years ago. I can't do what I
did my whole life, which is fine. I don't wish
to do that anymore, and I don't wish that shit
on anyone. I'm my worst enemy. I am, unfortunately.
I'm still doing it, but I love it. I loved it,
too, until I couldn't anymore, you know. You
know, that's why I got into that field. You know,
I loved building. I loved metal. I loved that
stuff. You know, that's why I got into that.
But, yeah, you know, running up and down stairs
with big pieces of glass in your hand or carrying
it up with somebody else, like, I don't know.
Okay, I'm not talking about that part of New
York. Oh, well. That was a part of what I used
to do is a lot of metal work. But unfortunately,
it was glazier work, too, because they couldn't
have three people doing three different companies
doing that job. It had to all be enclosed in
the metal industry. And so, you know, but I couldn't
do that even if I wish to anymore. And I do well
where I'm at. They treat me very well. I get
paid very well. My benefits are well. So everything's
great. It's just that. Because of those years
of doing that, and like I said, I chose to get
into it, so I'm not bitching. Because of years
of doing that, it's taken a toll on me, and I
have to have ibuprofen regularly, so I have to
go to something else. So I'm going to be doing
some research. I mean, Tylenol has never cut
it for me. Oh, go ahead. I personally take three
ibuprofen every morning before I leave school.
See, I got ibuprofen 800s that I took. Three
times a day. Well, I could do that too. Me too.
I could use more too, but I cannot take any more
than that. Well, now I can't take it at all.
But the thing is, is prescription strength. It's
not only stronger, but in one tablet, but also
it's cheaper, too, by my insurance. But anyhow,
we'll go on from there. But everything was good,
and I thank God for it. It could have been something
really bad. Stuff like that could be a lot of
different things, and none of them are good.
So this is a best -case scenario. change why
i do things but i already knew this anyhow and
i really need to anyhow because uh i'm getting
older family history you know my family history
on so many levels is not that good so you know
i gotta i gotta beat the odds here so yeah and
i will so um yeah we're gonna go into our first
little thing here uh you know um when the going
gets tough the tough smash a pacifier in their
gourd That's right, the surprising stress -busting
move thousands of young adults in China are making,
swapping melatonin and meditation for an adult
-sized binky. Rob, any questions so far? Well,
yeah, I'm just hoping I heard that right, because
this is going to get funny. Yes, yes. I'll let
you carry on for now. Okay. Once a niche quirk,
the silicone soothers are supposedly now big
business on Chinese e -commerce giants like Tabo
and JD .com, where they're priced anywhere from
a budget -friendly 10 yen, which is roughly $1
.40, to a luxury 500 yen, about $70. They're
sold as sleep aids, stress relievers, and even
smoking. Says, basically, the way this is worded,
okay, less smoking. They're supposed to help
you stop smoking by putting this binky in your
mouth. Okay. Damn it, I'm disappointed now. And
shoppers, I don't believe, well, I could see
maybe some of that because it keeps your mouth
busy. It doesn't contain nicotine, but I could
see that, you know. Because I understand, you
know, it keeps your mouth busy. You don't feel
like putting in a cigarette if you're enjoying
your binky. I guess that's what they're getting
at here. You'd have to read this thing to understand
what I'm saying here. So I don't know about that
part. And shoppers are gobbling them up. Some
online sellers move thousands each month, according
to the South China Morning Post. And the fans
aren't shy about why. When I'm under pressure
at work, I feel a sense of safety from childhood.
One Chinese buyer said, as reported by the outlet.
Okay. Rob, they just kind of swayed me a little
bit there. Okay. I get that. Okay. I'm not. I
want what I thought you were talking about. Oh,
okay. Okay. Let me. I'm never going to do that.
I'll never get anything out of it. What I have
is. Not that. Not that. Not that. Oh. If you
want to elaborate, go ahead. In case you want
to. Well, when you first started the story, it
sounded like they were going to beat themselves
in the head with the pinky. Suck on it. It's
the way this was worded. I don't care for this
article. That's what I'm saying. That's why I
started laughing. Because I thought they were
going to beat themselves in the head with it.
Unfortunately, I didn't have time to do any editing
because I had that GI today. I would have been
alive. Okay, I had that scoped today, and it
took up most of the day because, well, I'll go
into it for a second here, but not too much because
it's going to bore people. But here's the deal.
Don't even bother, dude. Okay. We're on this
story. Okay, all right. I thought that story
was going to go in a totally different direction.
It took all the good mood I'm in. Okay. It took
a lot longer than what it did because of a mix
-up with doctors. One doctor was sick, and then
they rescheduled me, but they rescheduled me
in the original time when they should have moved
me back two hours. So we're at the hospital three
extra hours today that we didn't have to be,
so it took forever, and I didn't have time to
edit these stories is what I'm saying. So, okay.
Dr. Tang Comane, I think is how it's pronounced.
It doesn't sound like a... Chinese name to me,
but whatever. A dentist in Shezwan warned SCMP
that if you sleep with a pacifier in your mouth,
it can interfere with breathing, and in the worst
case, there is a risk of suffocation. Rob, can
you imagine death by pacifier? Yeah, the Paul
Bearers would be taking... Well, what? Dude,
you're asking the wrong person. Oh, okay. Well,
what kind of pacifier? Don't ask. Okay, that's
what I thought you were getting at. Yeah, yeah.
One with an extra large nipple on it, right?
Is that what you're saying? Yeah. Yeah, yeah,
yeah. A couple extra large nipples. Don't we
both? We do a podcast. Okay, so we move on. European
cities slap hefty fees on tourists. Here's what
it will cost you if you're caught wearing flip
-flops. It's a highway robbery. If you're vacationing
in Europe this summer, better bring along some
extra cash. Popular tourist destinations in European
cities are combating mass tourism by slapping
some ridiculous costly fines. some rising into
the thousands on visitors they deem unruly. Wearing
flip -flops while driving, taking a shell or
pebble from a beach, or unbuckling your seatbelt
before the plane stops, taxiing can now cost
you. In Mercola and the Canary Islands... The
only problem I see is the rocks. Everybody calls
rocks. Okay, I can tell you... Oh, I'm sorry.
Go ahead. No, especially off the beach. You know,
people call it rocks. That's the only one I see
a problem. Flip -flops driving, I have a problem
with, yes. I can understand that, yes. Okay,
the flip -flops, I can tell you what that is.
And that is rental cars, because I've already
read about this. Flip -flops, you're on the beach,
and you go to your rental car. The flip -flops
get stuck underneath the accelerator, and they
get into a wreck. That's what happens. And so
that's why that's intact right there. But some
of them I think is exactly what it said at the
first. It said that it's designed to stop mass
tourism because people don't go there. Not as
many people go there because they're afraid of
getting fined really bad. You know, they don't
know all of, you know. So in other words, people
are trampling their land and they're trying to
slow it down a little bit is what it sounds like
to me. Marcola, which is an island in the Canary
Islands, drinking alcohol on the street can set
tourists back $3 ,495. And in Spain, leaving
your towel to hold your pool chair for too long
can cost you $291. Now, you know what? As stupid
as this sounds, Rob, I agree with it. That pisses
me off. You'll have someone wake up at like 5
in the morning, run out there and put down 30
beach towels for them and all their friends.
And then when you wake up, they show up about
1 o 'clock and they have their place waiting
for them. It's supposed to be first come, first
serve. That's wrong. And what I usually do is
I just take their towel and I throw it somewhere.
And when they come out, they go, hey, was there
a towel here? No. Well, I had a towel here. I
didn't see it. Yeah, I don't know. You know,
you're standing in my sunlight. I'm trying to
get a tan. Can you please get the fuck out? You
know. Yeah, I know. Yeah, it's complete bullshit.
It's like, no, you know, and if they persist,
I'll say, dude, you know what? No. If I had your
towel, I would still have fucking thrown it in
the pool or something because you're a fucking
asshole. You don't come out here at six in the
morning and take up all the seats. So go eat
a bowl of shit flakes and get back with me later
because right now I don't want to see you. You
know, fuck them. Or no, here, don't get back
with me ever because if I see you again, things
might happen. So, all right. Spain, Greece, Italy,
France, and Portugal are countries cracking down
on those sporting flip -flops behind the wheel.
and doling out 349 tickets for the crime. And
that is because of what I said, and I agree with
that 100%, and I agree with the towel thing,
too. I do, too. $391 might be excessive, but
if you did like $25 or something, people wouldn't
give a shit. Now, the Marcola, I do not agree
with. No, I don't either. Stay around with a
beer in your hand if you want. Leave people alone.
They're on vacation, yes. As long as you're not
causing a disturbance, leave me alone. Here in
the Midwest, in Kansas City, you can walk around
a lot of different places. Westport, you can
walk around with a drink in your hand. The city
market, you can walk around with a drink in your
hand. I just find it really hard to believe that,
like the islands, you can't have a drink in your
hand and walk around. And Kansas City is like
the Midwest. Well, I can see part of it. You
ever see assholes in action? You know? Okay.
A lot of times they have a drink in their hand,
right? I've lived to be one. I think we all have
one point. Grease is punishing those who make
off with a shell or pebble by making them shell
out $1 ,165. And if you swim, that's excessive.
I don't agree with that one either. Okay. The
$1 ,165 is excessive, but it's pretty much what
I know of. I can say this. I can say this. My
descendants are Greek. Okay, so I'm not picking
on them. I can because I've lived there. Okay,
that is pretty much indicative of their society,
in my opinion. People scamming you. Sorry, but
it's true. $1 ,165 is a shakedown, and they know
it. So, all right. And if you swim in a canal
in Venice, be prepared to cough up $407. Locals
are fed up. I would be prepared to have cuffs
put on. Yeah. Personally. Yeah. Personally, without
hearing the story, I would think it would be
that serious. I would think so, too, swimming
in a canal. I mean, you know, people are... navigating
their boats and stuff. Yeah, you're getting in
the way. It's dangerous. I get it. No one wants
to save your ass if you're in there fucking plunging.
I get it. Locals are fed up. Tourism advocate
Brigetta Spake -Holling told the outlet these
fines are signals that communities want to reclaim.
And hopefully that second page printed out here,
because like I said, I didn't have a chance to
edit because of the mix -up. And please bear
with me here. Okay, okay, let's see. Reclaim
space. It's not that tourists are worse. It's
more that the tolerance is gone. And it's important
to consider that not every fine is a crackdown.
Some are calls for respect. Cities are even going
so far as to launch marketing campaigns that
outline what's against the law. Which, okay,
if they have a marketing campaign and when you
get there you have these written down, then I
blame the person, okay? Even the $1 ,100 for
taking a pebble, if you have them written down
and you see them and they tell you not to do
it and here's the fine, is it that hard just
to do it? Yeah, that's what I'm saying too. Yeah,
okay. If they're doing that, then I have no problem
with it at all because they told everybody up
front they have it in writing. And if you don't
adhere to that and you get fined, then that's
your problem, not theirs. So a brand new 10 -point
Improve Your Stay campaign was introduced on
buses and billboards in Malaga, Spain. It's signage
details that the area expects of its guests.
that they dress in a tasteful manner and avoid
littering, make an excessive noise and riding
scooters recklessly, or risk an $873 fine. I
agree with all that. You ever have someone with
a dumbass in a scooter come at you? I mean, me
and Dave kind of did that in Nashville. I know
that. Me and Davey did that. Yeah, yeah, and
Davey almost got smashed by a train because,
well, one, he was smashed, and two, he was on
a scooter. Oh, yes. He had 10 fucking Jack and
Cokes and like 10 beers. You know it. Yeah, yeah,
yeah. But full disclosure, I had quite a few
drinks too and got on a scooter. But he was just
a little bit more plowed than me to where he
didn't see the train, but I did. I'm like going,
oh, shit. I killed my bestie. I killed him. I
took him to Nashville to see a concert. Now he's
going to die. Somehow he laid that son of a bitch
down right before hitting the train. And I don't
know how. And the scooter didn't even get hit
the train. It stopped right there. I thought
the scooter was going to get smashed by the train.
It didn't either. And I was worried about it
because it was on my fucking credit card. I was
like, no, no, no. But luckily, somehow he got
around it. So, yeah, authorities are defending
the stringiest rules which are being implemented
by patrolling police by saying they were set
to protect locals as well as respectful tourists
who want to enjoy their vacation. I don't have
any problem with that, do you? No. Yeah. I mean...
Yeah, okay, a couple, yeah. A couple, yeah. Yeah.
Well, I mean, it's their rules and they're in
writing and they have campaigns to tell people
about this. It's not like a speed trap, you know,
where you're. Yeah. So, OK. All right. Next up
in an unlikely brand extension, Coors Brewing
Company is pitching Durich Hill, an underarm
deodorant that should be refrigerated before
application. No kidding. KDVR TV reported in
July 29th, the limited edition hygiene product
is said to smell like the breezes of the Rocky
Mountains. Sounds like it should be, I don't
know, a feminine product or something. I don't
know. I want to see the alcohol content. Most
of it contains alcohol. Let's see if it says
it here. Okay. Coors Light is all about helping
people choose chill, said Marcelo. Pasco, Vice
President of Marketing for the brand Durachill,
is like giving your underarms their own ice -cold
beer. Oh, come on. Look, I was along with a lot
of things, but giving your underarm an ice -cold
beer, no, that's taking it far. I'm sorry. I'm
sorry, Ms. Pasco. No. Probably so. The deodorant
available on the company's website sells for
$14 .99. Well, that's another problem right there.
$15. $14 .99. But here's how, Rob, here is an
indictment of how stupid people are. $15 for
one deodorant is limited to two per household.
So that means people fucking Bogart this shit.
If you don't know what Bowgarden is, Google it,
okay, if you're younger. They grab all this shit
up, so they have to limit it to two people. Yeah,
you cannot have three per household. No, only
two, Rob. Two $15 deodorant sticks that smell
like the Rocky Mountain breeze. Yeah. Oh, I do
too. And finally, this is really fucked. Okay.
At a Savannah River site, at a Savannah River
site nuclear facility in Aiken, South Carolina,
a team found a nest of wasps near a tank on July
3rd. WCV. The VBTV, sorry about that, reported
on July 30th the nest was sprayed, then checked
for radioactivity, reading at 100 ,000 DPM, about
10 times the level of radiation allowed by federal
regulations. The nest was bagged as radiological
waste, and officials said the surrounding areas
was uncontaminated. The Savannah River site became
an EPA Superfund site in 1989 and no longer has
functioning reactors, but the WAFs are still
radioactive, Rob. So, what does that do? I mean,
we don't even know what that does. We don't know
what the... That's like them dogs at Chernobyl.
Remember me talking about that? Yes, yeah, no,
that's what it reminded me of when I read it.
I'm like, yeah, it's like the dogs at Chernobyl.
Yeah. Yeah, I know. Don't let me near them. No.
Them damn things will kill you. No, I know. So,
I mean, you know, okay, here's what I go back
to. Remember your story last week about the ants?
Who do we know some of that? Yeah, yeah. Yeah,
yeah. So maybe that is a product of something
like that. How could we know, really? But doesn't
it sound like it could be a product of something
like that? Oh, you know what, you're right, absolutely,
because, yeah, there was no nuclear sites near
there. Okay, well, it was kind of a reach, but
I was thinking, you know, maybe they were, what
would you call it? Oh, no, no, they're badasses
to begin with, and then they went in danger.
Now they're starting to find them again. Yeah,
yeah, so. Okay, all right, well, that's, I got
more, but you know what, let's turn it over to
you, Rob. Okay, cool. Tammy and Sunrise Beach.
Yeah. What's her name? It's Tammy. I thought
it was Tammy. Who was it? We had Tammy from Sunrise
Beach in the email. I'm thinking that was the
email. Oh, okay. All right. Well, whoever you
are, we're sorry. Or I'm sorry. Rob didn't say
it. I did. Oh, no. I'm definitely saying I'm
sorry. I live here. They can find me real quick.
Yeah, you have douchebags all over your truck.
Good idea. Mm hmm. You know, and let me give
you a little history here. We need something
new. Yes. The lake area was kind of looked over
by Chick -fil -A, and I never did figure it out.
Chick -fil -A came from the south. It came from
the Texas area. I can tell you why. Why? Yeah,
it's kind of like Eureka Springs. I mean, they
have a McDonald's, they have a Subway, and that's
about it. Oh, my God, McDonald's weren't rampant
down here in some cases. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah,
that's a big two spots down here. Okay. Yeah,
then that's why it was overlooked, because they
came up from the south. They came up Oklahoma,
Kansas, Missouri, you know, but it kind of like
skipped southern Missouri and went to Springfield.
Skipped that lake area, came up to Jeff City,
came up to Columbia, came up to Kansas City,
St. Louis. It was weird how it did it, but now
I see why. It's because they try to keep... They
make it so hard for big franchises like that
to move in here because they want the local -owned
stuff. You know what I mean? Yeah. Steakhouse?
Oh, yeah. Or was it Ryan's? No. Whatever, yeah,
whatever. Golden Corral? Yeah, Golden Corral.
I mean, all of them are shutting down. They're
shutting down everywhere because COVID pretty
much killed them. Well, yeah, yeah, good point.
Yeah, and also the quality of food. People aren't
into cheap quality of food like they used to
be. They'll pay a little bit more for a better
meal. And this has been going on, this has been
going on for a while, and this is another reason
why McDonald's needs to really seriously change
their way they do things. People don't like cheaper
food anymore like they used to. People are willing
to spend a few more bucks. Honestly, I'm shocked
Applebee's has been open since the 90s. Applebee's
destroyed themselves. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. To
me, Applebee's has always been cheap food with
seasoning. Back in the 80s. I thought they were
quality. Not everything, but there's items like
the Bourbon Street Steak and stuff like that
that you get was pretty good. But then they started
changing their menu like every other day, and
they started going to microwave food, I think,
allegedly, what I feel. This is my opinion. And
I think that it has not been the same since.
They had some new people take over. And to me,
I thought they ruined the place. And I hear you.
Yeah, that food's garbage. I'll tell you how.
They have cheap drinks, and they also have cheap
appetizers. People don't really care about the
quality of appetizers so much as they do food.
Appetizers, you know, you get some, I don't know,
chicken strips, or you get some jalapeno poppers.
It's really hard to screw them up. Yeah, Bloomin'
Onion, it's really hard to screw those up. So
that's probably why they stay in business, I
think. People go in the happy hour, they drink
dollar draws, and they eat $2 appetizers. And
to me, that's pretty much how they stay in business.
Good point. And I've thought of that before,
because there's only one Applebee's open around
the Kansas City area that I know of, and it's
in Harrisonville. We have one down here. Oh,
yeah, yeah. And there's one in Clinton also.
It really isn't the Kansas City area. I mean,
there might be one up north, but no other Applebee's
I know has survived. Okay, so people in the city
got smart. Yeah, no, they've been out of Kansas
City for quite a while. I think the last one
we had was on Rainbow Boulevard, and it shut
down maybe five years ago. Unless there's one
that I don't know about. There might be one in
Independence. I don't know. All right. All right.
Yeah, your point is correct, Rob. Your analogy
is perfect. To me, that's true. Allegedly and
all that good stuff. All right. Our opinions,
our opinions. Yeah, all that good shit filling
in. All right. We will be right back with some
emails. Sounds good. All right. Strange, but
true. 1962, President John F. Kennedy ordered
1 ,200 Cuban cigars right before he made them
illegal. And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark. Should
I throw away all my socks, then only buy 30 pair
of one kind of sock? Will they eventually not
match up? Hmm. I may never know. Have you ever
wondered what something is or not? Have you ever
looked at something and said, hmm, I wonder what
the origin of that is? Well, so have we. That's
why we give you The Origin of... The Origin of
Socks. Believe it or not, the ancient Egyptians
are responsible for knit socks. From around 300
to 500 A .D. were the first recorded knit socks
wore by anybody. In the world. And now, Deep
Thoughts with Mark. What do you tell when you're
out of invisible ink? I may never know. Our constant
pursuit for a real knee slapper. It's strange
insults from an alien. Real hilarity. Blue. Black.
Like you smell like cheese. Hey there, fuckstick.
You're just in time for brand new feature news
nobody gives a shit about. A man in Spain has
collected over 3 ,470 cell phones. Harambe used
to listen to our original show, Two Dipshits
and Cheek Radio Shack Realistic Tape Recorder.
Harambe does not listen to our original show,
Two Dipshits and Cheek Radio Shack Realistic
Tape Recorder anymore. You might ask why Harambe
never listens to our original show, Too Gypsious
and a Cheap Radio Shack Realistic Tape Recorder.
Well, it's because Harambe is dead. Senselessly
murdered because some idiot did not watch her
child properly while looking on her phone. Sadly,
Harambe does not listen to our original show,
Too Gypsious and the Cheap Radio Shack Realistic
Tape Recorder, or any other show. Anymore. Sorry,
Harambe. Hey, my fellow heavy breeders, this
is Dash Riptide. Your music news. Rob Halford,
the legendary singer of Judas Priest, now has
his very own action figure on sale. This is from
McFarlane Toys. It sells for $34 .99, and even
Halford's action figure is taller than Udo Dirk
-Snyder. This is Gash Ruktine, and that was your
music news. If it's too loud, you probably have
ear damage, just like me. Miss Gulkenstein was
tired of Mark and Toe for making sport of her.
Little did the douchebags know, Miss Gulkenstein
was a voodoo high priestess when she was younger.
She grew angry and cast a spell on Rob, changing
Rob into a capuchin monkey. Mark took Rob to
a local zoo so he could be with the other monkeys.
Here are the adventures of Rob, the capuchin
monkey. Shh, be very quiet. We're going to listen
in as Rob the Capuchin Monkey tries to sell the
rest of the Capuchin Monkey's Amway. Rob has
always dreamed of becoming a Diamond Status Amway
as a Capuchin Monkey. Little did our hero Rob
know. All the great apes owned stock in Sam's
Club and became violently pissed off when he
tried to infringe on their territory. They promptly
grabbed switches and beat his ass for three days
straight. Rob could not sit down. Love him or
hate him, the NFL has it dialed in on entertainment
and everything. It really does. You know, I used
to follow the NFL very closely. I could tell
you, you know, pretty much the starting players
on any team. And on a Monday, I could tell you
who played who and what the score was. At the
time, it was important to me, and I really enjoyed
it. Right now, it's... Well, the birds are having
a party. Yes, they are. Anyhow. But right now,
it's just not that important to me. I enjoy watching
it. But I have trouble sticking with it through
the commercial breaks. That's a huge issue that
I've noticed too. Unless it's the Chiefs. And
it could be a very important game even. It could
be like divisional playoffs and our next opponent
is going to be whoever wins. I still, if they
do the back -to -back commercials where they
come back and they have a timeout for a... for
a call, and then they come back for the two -minute
warning, then they come back, another timeout.
It's like, no. Yeah. My favorite, favorite as
in ironically, sarcastically favorite, is a team
will score a touchdown, kick the extra point,
and then they go to a long commercial break,
come back, have to kick off and run back, go
to a commercial break again. Yes. It's like,
seriously. They kicked the ball off, it went
into the end zone for a touchback. The clock
never even started on the game. So literally
no time has lasted in the game. Here we go to
another commercial break. Oh, I know. It drives
me nuts. Yeah, the last two minutes last as long
as the first three quarters. I've got a question
along that line. Okay. Okay, well, this is just
would you or not. Okay. The NFL. Now, it's been
talked about before, and I've thought about it
too, and I have my answer. I pretty much think
I know what I do, but it depends on a couple
of things. But anyhow, okay. Now, it's been talked
about, like, you can pay for the games for a
subscription. Oh, yeah. That is not a commercial
fee. You know, like, you can go on Amazon, and
it'll go, do you want the free version? Would
you have the Geico and the Progressive commercials
in the middle of it? Yeah. And, you know, every
five minutes you get a homeowner turning into
their parents or, you know, or Flo or something.
Don't forget the boner pills. You always get
the ads for the boner pills. Yep. So, yeah, you
get these in the middle of them every, like,
three or four minutes. So, okay, would you pay?
And how much would you pay tops per year to not
have all those annoying commercials? Where football,
I don't know what they do. They just keep it
right there on the field and show what each team's
doing. Like, I don't know, let's say Andy Reid's
over there talking to Mahomes and it's real spirited.
They're both like using their hands, you know.
Or, interesting thought. Think back to the early
days of satellite TV when it wasn't really an
established... Industry is just people realize,
hey, we can build and construct these satellite
dishes cheaply enough to sell to individuals,
and they can aim it at the same satellites that
the networks are using and get their network
feed. And by getting the network feed, you avoid
all the commercials. And you also get to see
what's going on during the commercial break.
live sporting events. You know, they usually
keep the cameras on. So people were watching
Monday Night Football and then they'd see the
host say, okay, you know, we'll be back after
these messages. And the people watching this
brand new satellite TV, they'd see the guys just
standing around shuffling their papers, you know,
and say, oh, that player was kind of a mess,
wasn't he? Yeah, he was stretching his balls
earlier. all the stuff that they never intended
to go out on the air, but it was being broadcast,
unencrypted, free and clear from their satellite.
I do remember a little bit. You're talking about
the huge satellites that you used to have to
turn. Right, those big 10 to 12 foot diameter
ones. Some of them were mesh and some of them
were solid. Paper machines, shotguns, fiberglass.
Yeah. And then I remember there was a Larry King
show. where Larry King had gone off about the
people watching on these satellite dishes and
they were pirates and they were stealing the
signal. Oh, that would make me feel good. And
everybody who was calling in to the Larry King
show was saying, well, I did have a question,
but I guess since I'm just a pirate and no good
thief, I guess you don't want to hear from me.
Caller after caller. was doing that because Larry
King had a call -in show. And his callers were
saying, I'm watching on one of your illegal satellites
that you talk about, so I must be a pirate in
this gum bag. So he quit taking calls. And here
was this Larry King show. You know how he showed
the phone bank there? The thing was, every light
was blinking like crazy. He's refusing to take
any calls, and therefore running out of things
to say with his guests. And I asked my uncle,
who was watching this on one of those satellite
missions, what's going on? And he said, and he
explained how Larry King just insulted the majority
of his viewing audience by calling them thieves
and pirates. So then the network... Well, I could
have called him a thief for taking money for
his show. Wow, a little lowrider wannabe riding
one of those little toy motorcycles. Look at
that little fat bitch on that little bike. Yeah.
Go over there and just push him over and watch
him skin his knees. Hey, dude, really sorry you
have such a tiny penis. You've got to ride one
of those. Sorry, sucks for you. Oh, but, you
know, Larry King was stealing money. from the
network to pay them, they have that god -awful
show, too. Yeah, okay. So, they've been two different
ways. I mean, it's like, look, I'm stealing your
god -awful show, but you're stealing money from
the network. So, oh, yeah, and then the networks
got smart and said, okay, we're going to start
encrypting our signals. Yeah, I remember that.
And that spawned a huge industry of decoding
boxes. Decoding, yep. And, you know, it was like,
you know, the people inventing steroids and the
people inventing destroying tests. It's an arms
race. Or, modern day, unlock fire sticks yeah
there's like someone's like oh yeah you know
what i'll go in here and i'm gonna unlock everything
and then they catch up with it and then the fire
stick can bob yeah john somewhere you know no
good then you buy another one from bill somewhere
and yeah so they had that war for a while with
the decoding boxes and finally someone gets far
and said you know what this is here to stay we
need to find a way to regulate it and monetize
it in mainstream. And that's where you got, you
know, set dish TV and direct TV and other things
started showing up. And it was like overnight,
those giant satellite dishes you were seeing
in people's backyards were just junk. People
were trying to sell them. Nobody wanted them.
They set them out at the curb and say, please
steal this. And nobody touched it because it
was worthless technology. Yeah, it was overnight.
Yeah, it was overnight. And then one of those
became, remember for a while, it became a good
report. And that was it. Oh, yeah. That's right.
You could pick up all sorts of pirated signals.
Yeah, the pergs in the area, they'd have one
of those big dishes still going. Oh yeah, you
could probably aim it at satellite carrying feeds
from other countries. Yes. We don't have the
same regulations as the U .S. does, so yeah.
Yep. So if you were having a subscription service
to watch the NFL games with no commercials, they've
learned their lesson from that. They're not just
going to let you see nothing happening or the
cameraman scratching himself. Well, I would predict
that this would happen. Okay, if that ever happens,
I don't think it's going to happen, number one.
They make too much money from the sponsors. They're
too embedded with everything. State Farm, you
need your Mahomes, you need your Rogers and all
those guys. All of this just supports the NFL.
So if it ever did become this, what would happen
is you'd get all these little emblems everywhere
in the corner. Presented by State Farm, presented
by Progressive. It's like trying to look at a
NASCAR driver's uniform or his car and actually
see what color it is. You can't because of all
the sponsor patches. They would still find a
way to get sponsorship for the times that you
aren't seeing the quote -unquote commercials
that you would expect. But what you will see
is maybe they'll throw in an interview with a
player. And there's a big can of Coke sitting
there throughout the entire interview, or a bag
of Doritos, or they'll make references to Draft
Kings and FanDuel. They will advertise somehow.
Yeah, those will all be worked in there. So we'll
still get the advertisements, but just in a slightly
more palatable form. And then we get the benefit
of the people who didn't subscribe to the non
-commercial version. They miss out those little
segments. They'll package those and broadcast
them later on commercial TV. You're right. So
you'll get the product placement that was in
there to begin with. Then they're going to sell
commercials for it too. They'll get double paid
on that. So it's going to work out money, money,
money for the NFL. They're going to sell us on
the idea that we're not seeing ads. But we are.
Yeah. Two douchebags and microphone. I'm Mark
here in the extreme southern tip of the Kansas
City Metroplex at the Talk is Cheap studio. And
I am Rob at the beautiful Nile Arm of Lake of
the Ozarks at the Doug Blatt studio. Oh, real
quick, I do not have the mad shitter like I thought
I did. I only have one little clip that says,
I didn't do it, I'm not the mad shitter. I thought
I inserted it in the last podcast, but all it
was was just that. It just said, I didn't do
it. I'm not the mad shitter. So I will quickly
tell it after the emails to get it over with.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to tease everybody with
that. Almost. Yeah, you do. Sorry. I know. I
know. Or yeah, Clinton. Yeah. Yeah, it's only
going to take a minute. So, you know, anyhow.
All right. And then I'm going to ask Topher for
it because I'm pretty sure he still has it. All
right. Rob, we went to Belton to invite the dunk
tank specialist. You're getting dunked. We also
need you to bring a small freezer for ice with
your extension cords. We need to keep your carp
coleslaw cold. It gets a little rank in the humid
air. We will need you to wear your loincloth,
please. Fuck Hammer will be on video chat to
present to you your paper mache trophy. Well,
I need to get to planning for the huge event.
Oh, Rob, we've been informed for you to bring
your own toilet paper. It will get stolen early
on. Mitch and Freeman, the Freeman Lake King.
Sorry, Ronnie in Tulsa. He wrote it, not me.
Yeah, that was him. Yeah? Dunk tank challenge
accepted. It's going to be hot. You're going
to want to be dunked. Dunk tank challenge accepted.
I don't think they can get hit the side of a
fucking bar. He's a duck. He wants to be dunked.
Right? I don't think they can... No, I don't
think they can hit the side of a bar. Okay, he's
poking you guys in the chest. Okay, are you going
to bring your own toilet paper? Of course. Okay.
I don't like the single ply. I'm pretty sure
it's single ply. Sorry, bitch. Oh, I've got a
toilet paper story. Sorry, just reminded me.
Me and my buddy Sandor, I worked with quite a
bit out on the road. Great guy from Wisconsin.
He's a nut. We had many good times. We're working
somewhere. I can't fucking remember. But anyhow,
there's these Johnny on the Spots that were always
stocked, that are always out of toilet paper.
As soon as they get cleaned and stocked, some
asshole would steal them. So every day we're
on this balcony working. And one of the tile
guys, every day he wore this Leonard Skinner
bandana. Until one day, we're looking down at
the tile guys on this balcony that we're working
on. We see this bald guy who looked familiar.
You know, we soon realized it was a Leonard Skinner
bandana guy, but without his bandana. So Sandra
and I was going to go take a piss. And what do
I see? A Skinner bandana with shit all over it
in the outhouse. in the Johnny on the spot. Yes,
he needed it for toilet paper and he wiped his
ass with it. No, no, take off your underwear.
Throw your underwear away, man. I know. We could
not look at the guy all day. It was funny because
I look at Santa and I go, man, is Santa a new
tile guy? I don't know. He looks familiar and
we couldn't place it. And then finally I go,
hey, I think that was the guy with the Skinner
bandana. I wonder how come he didn't wear it.
I don't know, maybe it's hot or something. I
don't know, maybe you got sparks in it and it
just, you know, it dissolved or something. And
I go to take a piss and I see it right there
on the top with shit all over it. This Leonard
Skinner bandana. He probably took a dump and
realized someone stole the toilet paper and he
had nothing else. That's what we think happened.
He was going commando and he had nothing else.
We even seen backer rod. You know backer rod?
Someone wiped their ass on backer rod. I'm like
looking at those guys. They have no idea. Carry
around a pocket full of wet wipes. Problem solved.
Or better yet, just take a time out. Go down
to Quick Trip or whatever's near. Go there. Take
a dump. Come back. Problem solved. Wash your
hands and everything, which is everything when
you take a dump, man. Oh, you know. Yeah. Okay.
Okay. Okay. This was interesting because this
was in this email, too. They didn't know I was
going to tell this story. Mark, you have a fantastic
memory. All those stories you explain on every
podcast. Just wanted to compliment you. I love
the show. Lane in Boston. Lane, thank you. First
off, I only remember shit I don't really need
to remember that doesn't do me any... I really
don't need to remember. If there's anything really
important, I won't remember it. But if it's something
stupid like that, you damn well bet I'll remember
it forever. Oh, yeah. I think we're all like
that, right? That's the way we grew up. Yes.
This next one... Yeah, we'll just leave it at
that right there. This one's interesting. Rob,
you should stand up for your partner in crime,
Mark. He's getting snubbed at your own ceremony.
You need to fight for your bestie, Juan in L
.A. No, Juan, he doesn't need to stand up for
me. I just can't go. I'm busy that year. See,
he's doing undercover. Yes. Yeah, and besides
that, I'm way too busy. That's right. And also,
here, let me let you in on a little insider detail
here. I don't want to go. Don't fucking bring
this up again, Juan. Okay? I love they don't
invite me. Yeah, okay. So, yeah, oh, too bad
I can't go, but I just can't. They don't want
me to go, Rob. Oh, that's horrible. Man, I don't
know what I'm going to do with myself those five
hours or whatever. All right. Oh, I probably
have to work. I work weekends. I can't go. So
there you go, Juan. All right. How did I miss...
She gets every other weekend off. Now, if it's
on her weekend off, I'm free. Now, Rob, are you
sure you want her to go with you? These are some
pretty fucked up people. Oh, hell no. Oh, hell
no. Okay. Okay. That's good. That's good. Things
are going good. Keep them like that. Yeah. Yeah.
Mitch and Clint. I'm going to leave her right
there. Okay. There we go. There we go. Until
we talk off the air. Yep. How did I miss the
extreme cover of Strutter? My two all -time favorite
bands. Thanks, Mark. Getty and St. Louis. Well,
it wasn't on a very well -known album. It was
a Kiss cover album that came out in the mid -90s
during the grunge era, and it was called Kiss
My Ass. Look it up. I remember that. Oh, you
do? Okay. I remember that, yeah. Yeah, it was
off of there. It had like Toad the Wet Sprocket
doing it. I was a major Kiss fan until they started
talking about it. Well, yeah, yeah, same here.
Yeah, it wasn't on a very publicized album at
all. Like I said, Grunge was king at the time,
and I don't even know why it came out in the
mid -90s, but I was a big Kiss fan. And I like
the stuff like Extreme and stuff like that. The
Toad, the Wet Sprocket, and some of the other
ones sucked ass. But I liked it well enough.
It had four or five bands that I did like doing
a Kiss cover that I did enjoy. So, yeah, Kiss
My Ass. You can probably get it for fucking 30
cents right now. Hey, guys, I would love to attend
Rob's party. I need an invite, though, and an
indoor plumbing pass. Ronnie and Tulsa, the Tulsa
King. Ronnie, you can have my ticket and indoor
pass. I hand them to you. Yeah, Ronnie, get after
Mitch. And also punch him in the face for calling
him the Freeman Lake King. You are Tulsa King.
That's your moniker. He stole from it. That's
not right. As a matter of fact, you know what?
Hang on. I'm going to give him an ass paddling.
I'm getting up there with some ass paddlers coming
up. Tulsa King, I got your back on that. I will
be right there to have your back. There you go,
Tulsa King. Good. I love match, but he deserves
it. Yes, he does. And also, he's getting an ass
paddling. I've got to do that here real quick.
That is the end of email. So, Rob, go into something
while I put this down about ass paddling. Okay.
Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Was this at a Coldplay
concert? No. No, no. This was a Bronx Bombers
game. No, I know. I'm joking around. That is
funny. I know. Yeah, but I mean, you know, oh,
well, you know, I mean, go ahead. Oh, that was
all. Oh, okay. All right. Let's go ahead and
take our second break here real quick, and then
we'll come back with some more garbage. Sound
good? Sounds awesome. All right. We'll be right
back. Jammed X. What the hell happened? You were
the generation of change. You never wanted to
be one of them. Apathy spoke for you. Fuck the
man. Fuck the system. What the hell happened?
The generation of angst? The generation of noncompliance?
Is now buying a boat? You're really fed up to
kill someone who dangled a dollar near you. Great
job, Xers. Everything's ruined. Hey, everybody.
This is Uncle Rob. I'm going to give you some
kicks for life. This is Uncle Rob's rules to
dick pics. Rule number one. Type of a pic in
someone else's name as long as you get busted.
Things ever heard in hell. It moves everybody.
Candy corn has had a bumper crop. Everybody can
have as much as they want. Yay! Now it's time
for Pick Up Lines from a Loser. There's something
wrong with my phone. It doesn't have your number
in it. This is Joshua Belmont, your food for
thought man on the hustle. so i just realized
a genius that gets absolutely no credit his name
is marshall taylor he is credited with the first
bag of salad mix that was bagged and sold yesterday
was his birthday i believe he is still alive
this guy's genius will never be fully appreciated
before this ban we settled for iceberg lettuce
with maybe a couple of croutons and some cheese
was mr taylor satisfied with that hell no He
realized that Billy Americana would never go
out and buy a couple of radishes, a couple of
carrots, a head of purple cabbage, maybe snow
peas, and possibly some cute romaine bladders
for extra bougie. Mr. Taylor, you should have
a national holiday. Well, hi, everybody. It's
time for your favorite game show. That's right.
Ask a random question with your friendly, happy
host, Jumpin' Jack Calhoun. And now, over to
the right, we go to our first... Test it. Low
dong, lip snarl. Low dong, what is your question?
Well, I was just wondering how come every now
and then I have a song just go over and over
repeating itself in my head and I can't seem
to get rid of it. I'd like to know what the hell's
doing that so I can stop it. The phenomenon of
songs getting stuck in your head, also known
as earworms, is linked to how your brain processes
and stores music. It involves various brain areas.
including the auditory cortex, areas for memory
and emotional processing, and the phonological
loop. Catchy, repetitive, and emotionally engaging
songs are more likely to become earworms. Okay,
okay, okay. That's enough, you long -winded idiot.
Jeez, I didn't ask for a fucking essay. Now,
for a limited time only, draw Brad's new video
series. how to booty clap and twerk. That's right.
Rob shows you his signature booty clap and how
to twerk with ease. Order today and get a free
pair of thongs with Rob's initials on them. That's
right. Rob's initials on a pair of thongs and
learn how to booty clap with the best. Rob. You
watched the news. It looks grim. Is an apocalypse
inevitable? We suggest you download all our podcasts
beforehand and have multiple mobile chargers.
We have the post -apocalypse. Morse code is an
essential must -know post -apocalypse. Go to
a library or look it up online. Learn Morse code.
This code could save your life. Many survivalists
have learned Norse code to alert other dwellers
of possible danger or where there could be clean
water or their whereabouts. The regular Joe Q
public may believe anything he hears and sees,
but not here at Two Douchebags Microphone. Here
at Two Douchebags Microphone, we question everything.
That's why we have a little segment we'd like
to call, I Call Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit.
Bullshit. So, let's get this straight. Walmart
has settled a $45 million lawsuit over alleged
overcharging customers with weight deception.
Walmart claims they had no wrongdoing. Okay,
let's say you're going down a 55 -mile stretch
of a highway. You're going exactly 55 miles an
hour. The cop stops you and says, you are not
going over the speed limit, but I'd like to write
you a ticket anyhow. Would you agree to that?
No fucking way would you agree to that. So in
my opinion, Walmart is full of shit. This is
a company that has allegedly paid as little as
possible for their help, notorious for employees
not giving a shit. Now they're innocent? I call
bullshit and a story. Walmart, you suck. And
now you try to get people to inspect your receipt
and shopping bags on the way out? I don't pay
a membership, assholes. I don't have to consent
to this bullshit. I have a simple solution. How
about I stop all trade with you? One day you
will be an afterthought, and as soon as people
wake up, you will no longer be in existence.
Walmart, here's a big fuck you. Two douchebags
and microphone on Mark in the Kansas City area
at the Talk is Cheap studio. A young woman can't
stop having orgasms, and the doctors can't figure
out why, Rob. I mean, yeah, yeah. That's right,
Rob. You are taken, so you can't say anything.
Well, so am I. You know what? Val's used to me,
so yeah, I could probably say whatever. That's
true. Val does not listen. She will not have
this filth in her ear holes, and I can't blame
her. Doctors in China say they're baffled over
the case of a young woman who experiences uncontrollable
orgasms multiple times per day, leaving a terminally
titillated 20 -year -old in a perpetual state
of arousal. The sexual symptoms are characterized
by reoccurring and spontaneous orgasmic experiences,
wrote Jing Yang and Defong Ouyang of the Peking
University Sixth Hospital in Beijing in a study
of the curious case published by AME Case Reports.
For five years, the unnamed 20 -year -old experienced
this thunder down under. Like I said, I didn't
write this. Sansexual stimulation. I really need
to. You know what? I need to take 20 extra minutes.
If we get on this podcast 20 minutes, like I
said, I was busy all day, and I didn't have time
to proofread this and edit them. I need to just
take 20 minutes and edit this bullshit for real.
Leading experts. That's me every night. That's
me every night. People think they're so cute
with the way they write this shit. And all it
is, it's ridiculous. Leading experts to deduce
that she suffered from persistent genital arousal
disorder, PGAD. The psychiatric post reported.
While this affliction might sound like hours
of fun, constant pleasure can be quite a pain,
causing significant impairment, I would say so,
in psychological well -being. Yeah, that's right.
Yeah. Her well -being and daily functioning per
the study. Meanwhile, many disappointed women
are envious. Like I said, they wrote it, not
me. This was certainly the case with this patient
who reportedly experienced... Yeah, you know,
somewhere like going, what the hell? And other
ones are going, I wonder how she mows the lawn.
I wonder how she sweeps the floor. Yeah, you
know, if I could just do the laundry in between,
hell yeah, there we go. Or at least the laundry
would be fun, right? Let's see. You know what?
Go ahead, Rob. I don't know where else we're
going to go with this, you know. I don't know
either. They're trying to help her out. They
don't quite know that much about it. In a nutshell,
she's still having them. They can't figure out
how to help her. Maybe she doesn't want help.
Who knows? Whatever. All I know is she has orgasm
constantly. And it's some sort of a syndrome
that's rare. Okay. So, Rob, go ahead. I've got
a question. Yes. I've got a question. Okay. What
do you do if you fix it, if they do get it fixed?
Yeah, that's right. She's burnt out on the orgasm.
Yeah, yeah. She'll probably eventually get tired
and go, all right, figure out a way to stop it.
Whack off the love bean or whatever. She's going
to be an old man. Yeah, they're going to have
to fucking toenail clip the love bean or some
shit, right? I don't know. Hey, Rob, I'll turn
it to you. Go ahead. Well, I'm going to go back
to some more of the Ozarks movies. Okay. Since
I've been hounded. Yes. I thought they struck
it go ahead That's how they're going to get around
it. Okay. The draft assessment is not considered
as a decision to proceed with an action. A 30
-day appeal period will also be announced after
a decision to proceed is formally announced.
You're right. That's how they're going to get
away with it. Okay. That's how they do everywhere
else, Rob. I mean, Kansas, Oklahoma. That's how
they do it there. I mean, no one else can do
it. I don't think there had to be a vote anywhere
else, though, Rob. What it is is on Native American
land, they can do what they want. The government
can't stop them. Yes. It's just that they have
to acquire that land. Oh, okay. That's what it
is right there. And they're making a hard arm
because they know what they want to do with it.
Okay. My experience is that... Yeah, so instead
of Bally's, it will be the Osage Native American
tribe. Osage Indians. Yep. You know what? I think
I'd rather have them in on it anyhow than Bally.
Honestly. Me too. Yeah. Well, I hope it passes
because, man, I would go to that casino. That
would be fun. You go Lake of the Ozarks. You
go to a casino on a high -rise hotel. You get
you a nice lake view. Yeah, it is a playpen.
Just a big playpen. And what I would like more
about it, it adds jobs to the area. Oh my gosh,
you're not kidding. And a lot of lower income...
And a casino would not just be seasonal. No,
it would be all year round. Matter of fact, I'd
rather go there like during January or something
when there's nothing going on. It could be colder
than hell outside, but you got a lake view and
you're indoors and the casino is beautiful. It's
a high rise. To me, that sounds fun. They probably
have an indoor water park for you there. Everything.
Indoor pools. I bet you they do. Yeah. You know,
that would be a great little getaway during the
winter when there's nothing going on and it's
really cold outside. Just go a couple hours over
there to South Central, whatever they call it,
Central Missouri, I guess, and have you a little
few -day vacation there, a little getaway. I
mean, you can't even really go to Eureka Springs
during the winter. I mean, number one, most stuff
is closed anyhow. Number two, if you get into
any type of weather at all, those hills there
are unforgiving. You cannot get up them. You're
stuck there. So, you know, something like that
would be a great alternative. So, yeah, I hope...
Like we've talked about on this same subject
before, the closest casino right now around here
is Boonville. Yeah, and that's... Two hours away,
yeah. We have a lot of people, especially elderly
people, that drive from Blakely Ozarks to Boomville
to gamble and turn around and either get a room
or turn around and drive home. Yeah. I mean,
to a lot of elderly, to them, that's just like
entertainment. They don't want to watch TV all
the time. They want to get outside. They want
to go do something. And to them, you know, go
waste like 30 bucks is a full day of fun. Well,
I'm about to say something. I think you will
agree with me on this. Okay, go ahead. Wake of
the Ozarks is one of the biggest tourist destinations
in the state of Missouri. If not, if not America,
honestly. All the money that goes in there, yes.
Okay. Why can't we? Oh, I agree. Topeka has casinos.
Yeah. Well, that's Kansas. How about Oklahoma
and Kansas? Pittsburgh, Kansas has casinos. Grove,
Oklahoma has casinos. Everywhere has casinos.
I don't think Arkansas has any. Missouri is hard
on it because it has to be on a river. Yes. But
you put that on the Osage arm of the river, and
it's the Osage Indian tribe, and then right there
you have what you need to have that. Right. Yeah.
As a matter of fact, you know what they did to
make it legal in Missouri? A lot of people don't
realize this, but the casinos are not actually
on the river. They dug moats. A water body, yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, they dug moats. A water body around
it. Yes. Yeah. And the water body feeds into
the Missouri River. That is how they got it being
on the river is they dug moats. So they can do
the same thing. They can do the exact same thing
down there. They can dig a moat around it, you
know. They can have it right on the arm of the
river easily because that is still considered
the Osage River. It might be part of the lake,
but it is still considered the Osage Arm, right?
If you look down Bagnell Dam, and then you come
down 54 through Osage Beach up into Jeff City,
and you come across that bridge, the Osage River
Bridge, that's where it's going to be. It's right
down from Bagnell Dam. Then I don't see what
the big deal is anyhow. I do believe because
the Indian tribe is involved, I do believe it's
going to happen now. So that's good. Okay, real
quick, I'm going to go into my Mad Shitter story
in Clinton, Missouri real quick. I'm going to
make it quick because I can't find it. But anyhow,
Rob, I know you've heard this a hundred times.
Other people have heard it a lot too. Okay, thank
you. Back in the mid -90s, I had to get a CPAP
machine, and I had sleep apnea surgery. So Apria
Healthcare provided the CPAP machine through
my insurance. So I go in for my study after that,
and they say, okay, you're cured. Good job. Great.
You know, gave me all these instructions. And
then my insurance called me up, and they said,
you're going to have to have that CPAP machine
back. Okay, well, I can get it tomorrow or the
next day. No, no, no. If you don't get it back
today, you're paying like $300 a day or something
obscene. So I'm like, okay, well, where do I
take it to? I was thinking Kansas City. They
said, no, you got to take it to Clinton, Missouri.
I'm like, what? Yeah. And I look at my watch.
I'm like, shit, it's like 3 .30. So I called
down there and they're like, yeah, we're open
till five. Fuck. So I hauled my ass down there
to Clinton. Okay. I, uh, you know, I fucking
go in, take it back in. And then on the way out,
I'm like, you know what? It's, it's kind of a
long drive back, you know, is about now a hour
and a half from where I was at at the time. So
I'm like, I better take a piss and I better get
something to drink. Cause there's nothing at
the time on seven highway, there was nothing
all the way to almost Harrisonville. So. at least
till 71 and 7 highway intersect there south of
harrisonville that was the closest station so
i stopped in there and i go in to take a piss
real quick and someone i the way i understand
it is is the way they did it is with colostomy
bags it was like liquid shit over all of the
walls in there it stunk so bad i was dry heaving
and i had to piss so hard because i couldn't
hardly I couldn't hardly do anything because
the smell and stench was so bad. And I was pissing
as hard as I could. It was actually hurting my
fucking penis. And I'm just like blasting as
hard as I can trying to get out of there. Not
washing my hands, piss everywhere. I'm just like,
this smells so bad. And then this old man comes
in behind me and he starts fucking chirping at
me. I got him. I got him. I got the mad shitter.
And I'm like. what the hell and like i'm fucking
you know zipping up and getting the hell out
of there and he's fucking falling behind me i
got him i got him i got the mad shitter and i'm
like i was just in there for a minute ask this
lady here ask the front desk i just got here
man i did not shit all over your walls i'm not
the mad shitter and he would not shut up and
that everyone if they had a little subway attached
to it or when the subway's looking at me like
i'm the mad shitter and the lady at the counter
i go up to her and i shouldn't even bought my
seven up like uh you know i should have just
been like fuck you old man you know i ought to
piss on you but i got my seven up and i i leave
there and i look at her i go i'm not the mad
shitter she looks me and goes sure you're not
everybody thought i was a mad shitter even though
i was in there for like a split second till that
old bastard come falling behind me Yelling at
me, calling me the mad shitter. I think he owned
the place, I don't know. So, there you go. I'm
the mad shitter in Clinton, Missouri. Didn't
do it, still swear my innocence. Rob, we turn
it to you. Alright, I got a crazy one. Alright,
let's hear it. Worse than the mad shitter? Actually,
yeah. Actually, yes. Great. Worse than the mad
shitter. I think I'll love it. Okay. Mm -hmm.
Later, he suggested they go to a bar where their
mutual friend works as a bartender. So they hop
into an Uber in a car that has a huge gap in
the middle. Okay. Okay, yeah, they hop into an
Uber. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Oh, okay. Oh, my gosh.
Then they arrive at the bar and Tripoli jumps
out to meet her friend. Initially, she thinks
that the man was embarrassed and went home. But
her friend points out the man making out with
a different girl. As soon as he gets out of the
car, he's making out with a different chick.
Why are you staring at me? It goes to swing on
me, she recounted. And then he's like, ladies,
calm down. You don't have to fight over me. Nobody
is fighting over her, she concluded. That was
a crazy one. Yeah. Wow. So, he didn't get in
any trouble for fucking jerking off in the Uber?
Uh -huh. Yeah. a good start I guess so there's
not going to be anything criminal he's just not
going to be able to rent an Uber I mean yeah
they could have done something criminal but yeah
because she had the Uber driver to witness it
like I read the Uber driver had seen it and it
was uncomfortable okay Okay, okay. You know what?
Yeah, there could be more shit coming down. Yeah,
Uber might do something about it. Because if
Uber had a camera, they would have had him jacking
off, which... I'm sure he has a camera in there.
Indecent exposure. Okay. Well, you know what?
They probably... They probably are going to do
something about it. It's just they're not really
talking about it because they need to get everything
together. Okay. All right. Well, that's cool.
I think they're probably going to kick him out
of Uber permanently, and then that's probably
it. Okay. All right. Thanks, Rob. All right,
it's at 921. Do you want to cut this, or do you
want to go into anything else? Actually, yeah,
I think I'm about done for tonight. Other than...
Yeah, go ahead. I have to bring up some music.
Oh, yeah. I have to bring up some music. Hi,
Albuquerque. Yes, hi, Albuquerque. Hi. Grandma
Opal. Jimmy. No, I... Hi, Hicksville. Yeah, Hicksville,
too. Anyhow, go ahead. Sorry. I'm telling you,
we've got to make a pro up. We do, for Hicksville.
For all of them. You know what? That's a good
idea. All right. Because we're going to keep
forgetting. You're right. No, that's not the
name of the band. I guess even... No, no, it's
not. It's a... Damn it. Yeah. You can bring it
up on the next podcast, I guess. Well... Blacktop
Mojo. Very good music. To be honest, I had somebody
play one of their songs for me. Oh, my God. Yeah,
let's talk about this next time. Okay, yeah,
just write it all down, and then we'll go from
there. Oh, my God. It has been a long time. I
didn't get to bed until like 11 .30 last night.
My alarm went off at 4 .30. You know what? I
understand. Like I said, I had a busy day. I
get it. All right. All right. Thank you, everybody,
for listening. Good night, assholes. Good night,
assholes. Oh, no. Looks like the show's over,
kids. Mark has explosive diarrhea and can't afford
a wireless mic. Fear not, assholes. They'll be
back invading your ear holes soon.