Hey, you fucking derelicts. It's time for the
Daily Douchebag Pledge. I, Joe or Jane Listener,
hereby promise to download the show. I, Joe or
Jane Listener. Hereby promise to grab other people's
phones, unattended computers, public computers,
and all of my work computers as well, and download
the show from there. I, Joe or Jane Listener,
hereby promise to make other people listen. I,
Joe or Jane Listener, will hereby lie to everyone
about how quality the show is. I, Joe or Jane
Listener. promised to make all my family members
listen and recite the daily douchebag pledge.
And finally, I, Joe or Jane Listener, hereby
promise to make the trek to Knobloch, Missouri,
just to have a selfie with the Knobloch sign.
Here at Two Douchebags and a Microphone, we don't
stand behind our journalistic integrity. Go ahead
and assume we got the story wrong. At least we
admit it. Not like all those other guys. We can
and will lie if it makes the story better. Two
douchebags and a microphone. I have a pet termite
I call Clint. Wow, no shit. How strange. Yeah,
I call it Clint Eats Wood. Once again, it's time
for Ramblings of a Madman. I believe Congress
needs to synchronize tap dance for 20 minutes
before each session. That needs to happen. Hey,
good kid. No one gives an ounce of shit what
you had for breakfast. Not even the person on
the other end. You look like a mentally slow
driv yelling into thin air all through the store.
I pray that Bluetooth shorts you out and blows
up your eardrums. One may consider self -centered
dunce. Monty constantly coddled this dummy and
it fucking shows. Go look back home and bore
your dog. Wait, you probably forgot the theming
because you're too busy looking in the mirror
all day. Fuck off. Hey there, slap nuts. It's
time for the Creeps Music News. Hey, my little
pumpkin seeds. This is Johnny Rohypnol with your
music news. In a recent interview with WZLX's
Kenny Young, Joe Perry once again spoke about
the possibility of Aerosmith playing one final
concert. A year after the legendary rockers announced
that they were officially retiring from touring
due to singer Steven Tyler's vocal injury. Aerosmith
made the announcement August 2nd, 2024, nearly
one year after the 77 -year -old singer fractured
his larynx during a September 2023 show. Perry
said about the likelihood of another Aerosmith
show. We're actually talking quite a bit. I know
our touring days are over, but I don't know.
We're all flesh and blood. I don't know, but
I would say at some point we will all be together
on the same stage. If I was a betting man, which
I am, I would say at some point something's going
to happen, but we'll see. Stay tuned. This is
Johnny Rohypnol. That was your music news. And
remember, bar chords are bullshit. Two douchebags
and a microphone. I'm Mark here in the Kansas
City area at the Stream Southern Tip at the Talk
is Cheap studio. Got it. Got it. There we go.
All right. Now it feels official. All right.
I like how you're catching up. Yeah, yeah. Mitch,
take note. Mitch, take note. Oh, I'm not really
happy with Mitch, but we'll get to the emails
a little bit later. But yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah,
yeah. All right. Okay. All right. So I was off
on a Saturday. That's a rarity, you know. So
I'm shoring up things in the front yard, and
I notice our mailbox is leaning right. So I think
someone might have hit it with their car going
around the corner because there's a large corner.
We live on the corner. And people turn around
to go on the corner, and they go a little fast.
They don't realize it's that sharp of a curve.
I mean, it's really sharp. So I know it had to
have been a car hitting it because they don't
play mailbox baseball here in the city. Remember
mailbox baseball? Yeah, that's out in the sticks
type of thing. Well, I remember hearing about
it. Yeah, yeah, me too. I would never partake
in such a thing, but I remember hearing about
it. That would be a federal offense. Yes, yes,
those rogues, those rogues. So all of this is
hearsay, okay? I remember a couple of times playing,
other people playing mailbox baseball, and it
backfired. Remember, I just heard about this
secondhand, okay? So, anyhow, Kirk was driving.
Remember Kirk, Blond -Eared Kirk? Yes, yes. Remember
his Monte Carlo that he loved? Yes. Okay, and
there was some dude from Lewisburg named Randy.
He had kind of, I don't know, sandy hair, and
it was kind of almost like a mullet, but not
quite. Do you remember him at all? He wasn't
around that long. You may not remember him at
all. I know. I don't think so. Okay. But, yeah,
I definitely remember Kirk. Okay, yeah. Well,
Randy, I think he was using the bat. So, Kirk
swerves towards the mailbox, and Randy swings
and misses. And the bat hits his side mirror,
snaps back, and smashes out the back window where
I'm at in the back passenger. So, Kirk was pissed
and he kicked Randy out on Stateline Road, the
gravel road edition in Cass County. So, Kirk
had his side passenger mirror smashed all to
hell and laying on the gravel and his back passenger
window smashed completely out. That was a complete
fail on that one. And I know it was on the gravel
because he made me go out and get it. He was
so mad. And I told Randy, I whispered to him,
I said, hey, I go, look, I need a ride back home.
So just between me and you, I'll come back and
get you when he drops me off, okay? Okay, thanks,
man. So you may remember this, you may not. I
don't know. So let me start with this, and you
tell me if you remember. I remember this one
time we used to get this older couple's mailbox
every weekend, or allegedly. They had an odd
last name. I think it's something like... Chase
Smith or something like that. I remember reading
it over and over every time someone else would
bash that mailbox in. We were relentless and
particularly evil. We would knock their mailbox
down around once a month, allegedly. The man
was so sick of putting it back up or buying a
new 5x5 post, he actually erected two large concrete
slabs and put them in the shape of a comb protecting
the mailbox from assholes like us. You remember
that? The two cones? The two... No, no, no. I
did not partake in that. I can honestly say that.
I did not partake in that. Okay. Okay. But I
know a lot of farmers who just get pissed and
hate the people in their mailboxes. My grandpa
was one of them. Oh, I'd be madder in hell if
that happened to me. Fucking kids! What the hell?
What's wrong with them? Don't they have something
to do? Oh, my God. Grandpa beat that dude up.
He went out one day and found half a wooden baseball
bat. Seriously. I believe it. I believe it. Seriously.
You know that dude was hurt. Oh, yeah. Old Mr.
Chase Smith, he would have beat the shit out
of us if he knew who did it. But he never did
find out. So, you know, we knocked their mail
back. mailbox down about once a month the man
was so sick of it you know that he put up the
two concrete slabs in the shape of a cone protecting
the mailbox from assholes like us teens one slab
on the north side and one slab on the south side
so kirk was so pissed he found out when they
were on vacation he then grabs his chainsaw out
of the barn because you know he was a farmhand
and he says come on guys let's have some fun
So now this was a gravel road with no visible
neighbors around. There might have been a house
about a quarter mile, half mile down, but you
couldn't even see the lights from it, okay? So
Kirk pulls in front of the mailbox, grabs his
chainsaw, and slices the mailbox down at the
ground level. After that, the Chase Smiths started
receiving their mail at the post office in Cleveland
through a box number. They gave up at... I used
to see them in there fucking muttering all different
kinds of cuss words, getting his mail and doing
that little combination. Good morning, Mr. Chase
Smith. How are you? Meanwhile, I'm thinking,
ha ha, I was there. I didn't do it, but I was
there. It was funny, though. Kirk was so... He
was so mad that they put up that, you know, that...
concrete slab that he found out that they were
on vacation. He fucking grabbed a chainsaw and
had us come watch him tear it down. I mean, in
order to put up a new one, they would have had
to knock down both of those concrete slabs. Yeah.
Yeah. So instead, they just started getting their
mail at the post office in a box. So... Uh -huh.
To piss... Yeah, that was about it. Yes, because
he got the... Didn't he get your car... Didn't
he get the car stuck? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, for some
reason I thought it got stuck, but I think he
did for a minute and got out of it or something
like that. That might have happened. Yeah. We
may have gotten close. I remember him going,
you know, the wheels, and we're all like going,
oh, shit. Oh, no. Oh, shit. I'm looking at him
going, are you sure it's your family? But he
got out. I would like to say hi to Hicksville.
No joke. We got a download. Is that in Missouri?
Or do you know? Where's it at? Oh, it's New York.
It tells me it's New York. Yeah. Oh, Hicksville,
New York. Hicksville, New York. I wonder what
the origin would be. Oh, okay. Well, maybe there
is. Hang on. Let me take a look here. I found
New York, but I'll bet you. Okay. Missouri. Nope,
it's Higginsville, not Hicksville. Okay, okay.
Okay. I know where Higginsville is too. So I
wonder how the orange in that came out, Hicksville.
So anyhow, let's see. Oh, okay. Hicksville, New
York is named after Valentine Hicks, the second
president of the Long Island Railroad. He held
the positions from 1837 to 1841 at the time Hicksville
was the last stop on the newly established railroad
line. Hang on, hang on, hang on, Rob. AI says
it can also be used as an insult. Right here.
All right, let's take a look. Hicksville is a
slang term used to describe a small rural town,
often with a connotation of being backward, provincial,
and unsophisticated. It can be used in a derogatory
way to imply a lack of modern amenities or progressive
thinking. The term is derived from hick, a slang
term for a country person, and vill, which is
a common suffix in place names. Oh, okay. That's
where I heard it. That's where I heard it. Okay,
Hicksville. Yeah. Well, Hicksville, New York,
if that's who it was. I'm not going to look through
every state, but it says New York. Hicksville,
New York, thank you. We appreciate it. And I
had to look up that name because I found it a
particularly odd name. So Valentine Hicks is
who it's named after. We tend to do that. Yes,
yes. Like Knob Lick. Yes, that's what they tell
me. No. No, we have not. But I have talked to
people that are from Farmington, which is right
up the road. I know what to expect. I'm not going
to say I know what to expect. from the images
actually the day that me and the duke got together
with our friends the duke uh yes uh down at uh
uh shit when we yeah they get to get frankie
and louis oh yeah yeah okay the bar Yeah, that's
just to the north. And they come to find out
our number two welder worked. Uh -huh. His hometown
is Farmington. He knows how to lay. So I'm still
going to make the, I'm getting the selfie people.
Well, yeah, yeah, you got to get one at the sign
because the way this originated is I was watching
Weather Channel during that blizzard that we
had. Yes. And it was naming off snow totals.
And it went from Knoblick, Missouri to Knob Rub.
or something like that because it's snowing there
too. And then it went to Shell Knob and a couple
of other ones that were real highly suggestive
names. And I'm like going, there's no way they
did that by accident. It was the Fox Weather
Channel, I believe. And I'm sitting there reading
the scroller going, oh my God, this is gold.
This is gold. Yeah, it is. I'm like, oh, this
is great. Someone down there threw that little
Iggy out. For people like us that catch shit
like that. Raise an eyebrow and go, oh, look,
look, looky there. No, look, hey, what do you
think? Oh, man. Yeah, because that's what we
do here. We make fart jokes. So, anyhow, Smokey
the Bear signs are not exempt from thieves. A
Florida man traveled from Pensacola to Orlando
stealing Smokey the Bear signs. Then the idiot
posted them on Facebook Marketplace for $1 ,900
each. Well, that's where he got stupid. Yeah,
because that's how they caught him. There are
actual pictures. I would just want one person.
Yeah, I think that'd be cool. You know, yeah.
Yeah, that would be great. Oh, Val got me a new
poster. You know, the new Naked Gun movie. It
has a picture of Liam Neeson pointing at you,
and it goes, I want you to pull my finger. And
I'm trying to figure out what I've got to move
around to make it very visible. So, Eddie, that
was cool. She's like, hey, I got you something.
I'm like, oh, hell yeah. So, I was like, you
know, a kid in a candy store on that one. But
there are actual pictures online that show Smokey
the Bear holding the door open for the patrol
truck for the perp. I'm not kidding you. Now,
I guess there's somebody that rolls around in
a Smokey the Bear costume. How else would he
be opening the door for this guy because he stole
all the signs? Yeah. But look it up online. There's
a picture of Smokey the Bear holding the door
open in the Ranger truck with the guy in cuffs.
I was like, hell yeah. There's more Aussie news.
You ready for it? Crazy Train has entered Billboard's
Hot 100 for the first time in 44 years. Mama,
I'm Coming Home led all digital downloads, which
is insane if you think about all the digital
downloads going on now. And finally, Black Sabbath's
Paranoid has entered the Hot 100 for the first
time ever. Back when that was out, there probably
wasn't even a Hot 100. You know, that's what,
1970? There probably wasn't even a Hot 100 back
then. So this is the first time ever. It's hard
to believe that an iconic song like Paranoid
was never in the Hot 100 if they did have one.
You know, I mean, you hear that song in stadiums,
advertisements. You hear it everywhere, right?
paranoid has been you know it's like a almost
like a national anthem for stadiums you know
you hear that so and it became from like the
group black sabbath to oh hey that's black sabbath
paranoid you know what i mean because it used
to be like you'd say black sabbath and everyone
kind of stand back go oh uh oh those guys Yeah,
oh my gosh, man. You're going to burn in hell
just looking at their album cover. Yeah. Yeah,
it's funny how they're just so mainstream now,
you know. So, I have a public service announcement
here. When traveling in Johnson County, be ready
for all the lawyers on Harleys and Corvettes
to be blaring Sabbath or Aussie for about three
or four weeks now. This will be happening. We
know this. So, if you see these people, feel
free to give them the medal quiz. Simply ask
them who did Sabbath hire to replace Dio after
he left the band in 1982. If they answer anything
except Ian Gillen, there are frauds and should
be ridiculed on the spot. Or receive a ball smash
and they are to relinquish all their Aussie material
to a real headbanger in need. Right? Does that
sound fair? Mandatory. They have to give up all
their Aussie stuff and Sabbath stuff and give
it to a headbanger that is less fortunate, right?
Yes. And get smashed in the nuts. And smashed
in the nuts, yes. All right. All right. We got
a deal there. Pinky swear? Pinky swear. Okay.
Spit shake? Remember those? Spit on your hand
and shake each other's hand? Yeah. Spit shake.
Come on. All right. Thanks, Rob. okay all right
yeah i'll just wipe them on my i'll just wipe
them on my pajamas who cares all right oh that's
what it smells like all right thanks okay um
i just took a drink of gatorade zero so mine
doesn't smell that bad either so all right we're
good yes yes all right man Just a couple of more
Ozzy notes. Does AI realize Ozzy Pass? My playlists
on music services and my rocker friends' playlists
all have noticed a huge increase in the volume
of material with Ozzy on it. But I think what
it is is algorithms. I think algorithms realize
that everybody's talking about Ozzy and Sabbath.
And I think that's what happens. So that's how
come my Spotify, my other music services, they
used to play like maybe... in oz your sabbath
song twice in an hour now they play it like 10
times an hour which is fine with me because they
pick out some good stuff i mean they even picked
they picked out some good dio stuff too on the
way home i heard country girl yeah yeah side
two mob rules a very very good song very underrated
song so yes So while we're talking about music,
Nuno Betancourt has become one of my favorite
guitarists ever. One of the stars of Back to
the Beginning. Covered three Ozzy songs in concert
with Extreme the other day. The only one I can
find is I Don't Know, and man, Nuno nails it.
He hasn't known these songs very long. He actually
learned all the songs in the back of a limo.
There's footage of him doing it in the back of
a limo on the way to Back to the Beginning. and
he's sitting there you know yeah he's sitting
there like listening and then going trying to
follow jake and trying to follow randy and he's
doing it really good but then he messed up and
oh shit and then he'd do it again and he'd do
it perfect it's like man that guy he i'll tell
you what he is not eddie van halen um hey hang
on one second here um all right i had a slight
interruption there um I think Val's phone was
charging, and she had used my phone to take some
sort of a picture, probably of an animal. Oh,
it might be sunset. I don't know. I can't tell.
Okay. Well, anyhow, she had used my phone for
a minute, and Rob got to go on a little trip.
So how was your trip, Rob? Oh, it was great.
Oh, good. It was great. Okay, good, good. I think
you took some sunset pictures. That's what I
think happened. I didn't ask her. So anyhow,
I would call Nuno Betancourt almost an Eddie
Van Halen. You know, him and Eddie Van Halen
were great friends, and Eddie sent him some material
that was unreleased, and he wanted Nuno. Nuno
was talking about this about a year ago or so.
He said that Eddie sent him some of his unfinished
stuff before he passed away. And Eddie knew he
was passing away. He had cancer and it was advanced.
So he sent it to him and he goes, you know, he
goes, Nuno, I want to know what you think of
this. And Nuno was like, oh, I think it's fantastic,
which he did. But that's how much Eddie Van Halen
thought of him was sending music to him to have
him listen and examine it and get his input.
So I'm telling you, Nuno is so good. And also,
another thing is, Nuno is so multi -structured
as a musician. He also does funk really well,
too. Not just the extreme song, Get the Funk
Out, but he does a lot of other funk music, too.
He does a Kiss cover of Strutter that is real
funky. I mean, it is just... Oh, God, I'm going
to have to listen to that. Yeah, check it out.
It's Extreme doing Strutter, but his guitar is
the star of the show. It's crazy good. Hang on,
hang on. Let me see if I can get it here real
quick. You got a minute, Rob? Yeah, I got it.
Okay. All right, Extreme Strutter. All right,
there it is. There it is. It's off the... I know
a thing or two about her. This shit's good. Yeah,
listen. Fucking balls, man. Fucking balls, right?
Hell yeah. Let's see. And also, sad note, finally,
Ozzy's official cause of death was a heart attack.
He had coronary artery disease. And the heart
attack may have been helped by Parkinson's disease.
And also, it could have been aided also because
of how hard he pushed himself to do the Back
to the Beginning concert. But, you know, this
is what he wanted to do. He wasn't having a very
quality of life anyhow. So, you know, and also
when I read that the EMTs worked on it for quite
a while, I'm like, well, he didn't die from Parkinson's
because that's not what you do at Parkinson's.
That's not what you do. You don't, you don't
try to revive them. They're fucked. You know,
their whole body's just ravaged by that horrible
disease. So I knew something like that happened,
but they worked on it for a lengthy time. And
they finally had to call it and, you know, and
say, you know, the Prince of Darkness is gone
from this earth. So, and also I read an interview
and I think this is true. It came from some really
good sources. Ozzy was a born again Christian.
He let Christ into his life. Pat Boone was his
neighbor for years. And Pat Boone is the one
that talked to him about Jesus. That's fantastic.
Yeah. So he got all the debauchery in and still
going to heaven. Isn't that great? Hell yeah.
That's what Ozzy does. Hell yeah. Okay, so what
do you think of that extreme cover? I love it.
I love it. I might have to listen to it. That
thing kicked multiple forms of ass. It kicked
fat asses. It kicked skinny asses. It kicked
medium asses. It kicked sweaty asses. It kicked
everything, right? Hairy asses, even. Yeah, hairy
asses, too. That's right. All right, Rob, we
turn this whole shit show to you. All right.
Are you sure you really want to do that? No,
but I could go on. I've got ten pages. Listen
to this. I've got 10 pages of shit. I could go
on all night. I love that response. Well, it's
just a sure fact that you brought up, are you
sure I want to do this? That tells me a lot right
there. All right, Rob. Okay. Blast off. Blast
off. I love iced tea. During a chat with Real92
.3LA, you've shared his thoughts on the strange
rise in dildos being tossed onto the court during
recent WNBA games. Oh, I saw a cool meme. Please
forgive me for interrupting. But I saw a really
cool meme. Picture Howard Stern at a WNBA game,
and it said, oh. Another dildo's been spotted
at a game. Oh, the cancelled Howard Stern. Bitch.
Alright, go ahead. He's going to box some ears.
He's going to box some ears, it sounds like.
He's got some goons waiting. Wow, okay. I mean,
okay, he has a right to his opinion. I mean,
worse things have happened. Right. I mean, stuff
happens all the time. We have streakers and stuff
like that. I understand it upsets him, but, you
know, okay. He has a right to his opinion. They're
actually throwing objects on the court. They
could hit one. Well, that's different there.
Yeah, I see. No good. At least they're catching
them now. Yeah. Cool. Is that it? Yeah, that's
it. I'm out. All right. We are going to return
with some emails. And like I said, I'm not real
happy with Mitch, but we'll get to that here
in a minute. But until then... I feel like I'm
all alone. Yep. All right. We will be right fucking
back. Bitches. I just made a belt out of all
my old watches. Wow, that's unique. Yeah, it
was a waste of time. Oh, my. Would you look at
the rightly scattering? It sure is brilliant
tonight. First off, you're on private property.
Second, you're in my flower garden. Third, if
you're talking about the sunset, yes, it is stunning.
And finally, would you get the hell off my property,
you annoying fucking bastard? And now, Deep Thoughts
with Mark. So, if I have a glass of ice water,
and the ice melts into the water, is my water
then watered down? Hmm. I may never know. This
is Joshua Belmont, your food for thought man
on the hustle. So I just realized a genius that
gets absolutely no credit. His name is Marshall
Taylor. He is credited with the first bag of
salad mix that was bagged and sold. Yesterday
was his birthday. I believe he is still alive.
This guy's genius will never be fully appreciated.
Before this man, we settled for iceberg lettuce
with maybe a couple of croutons and some cheese.
Was Mr. Taylor satisfied with that? Hell no.
He realized that Billy Americana would never
go out and buy a couple of radishes, a couple
of carrots, a head of purple cabbage, maybe snow
peas, and possibly some cute romaine bladders
for extra bougie. Mr. Taylor, you should have
a national holiday. Our constant pursuit for
a real knee slapper, it's strange insults from
an alien. Real hilarity. Hey, you forever feel
yourself vibrating, and the pocket is not even
in it. Not the mad shitter. So you want proof
that we love you here at QD Spades and Microphone
Central? Here's a proof right here. How about
the drink of the week? Hey, my party pilgrims.
How about Norwegian's famous pineapple coconut
mojito? One and a quarter ounce Bacardi coconut
rum. One ounce pineapple puree. Three pieces
of lime wedges. Six pieces of mint leaves. And
one half ounce of simple syrup. You garnish ginger
candy on a pick. orange wilt, and a mint sprig.
Take a 12 -ounce glass, shake all ingredients
together, and strain over fresh ice and top with
soda. How about a splash of 7 -Up Sprite or ginger
ale just for a little extra pizzazz? Have you
ever wondered what something came about? Have
you ever looked at something and said, I wonder
what the origin of that is? Well, so have we.
That's why we give you... The origin of. The
origin of the middle finger. The origin of the
middle finger gesture is an insult, is debated,
but it's widely believed to have roots in ancient
Greece and Rome, specifically a sling to phallic
symbolism and used as a way to express insults,
taunt, or even moored off people. The specific
origins are unclear. The middle finger has been
documented as a gesture of disrespected anger
for over two millennia. Two douchebags and microphone
in an effort to keep everything fresh. We offer
you first world problems. Damn it. The city services
website is down again. I can't believe this.
I'm going to have to actually call and talk to
someone to pay my damn trash bill. This is ridiculous.
Somewhere in the heavens, your great Grammy Gertrude
is crying because her little Bebo is listening
to this film. Sir, I see your qualifications
here. May I ask some further questions that could
help me determine your employment eligibility?
Yes, sir. I'm ready. Well, as you can see here,
we have a large population of different ethnic
backgrounds, sexuality, and ages. Are you by
chance bilingual? Well, sir, I'm not sure why
you need that kind of information, but, well,
it was only one time in summer camp. I considered
it experimental. So let me make sure I have this
correct. All the waiting for Epstein client list.
All the promises of justice. All the huge names
that were all over his private island. Suddenly,
there's no client list? It's a well -known fact.
Epstein kept a list of clients. So Ghislaine
Maxwell is rotting in prison and has no memory
of any of her visitors when she was one of the
hosts? You mean to tell me she cannot spit out
a few names? They barter with every other criminal.
Why not her? I'll tell you why. Because power
protects power. That's why. This bullshit dog
and pony show will only go so far. Promises and
convictions turn to dust. I'll even go one step
further. Jeffrey Epstein is still alive. His
death was faked. His friends made sure of this.
The next time you think justice will be served
will be a cold day in hell. Or just wait until
those perverts do kick off. Then ask them the
temperature in hell. We are Two Douchebags and
Microphone. I'm Mark Portion of it here in the
Kansas City area at the Talk is Cheap studio.
Oh, that's fine. It's been a long weekend, man.
It's been a long weekend. I understand. I'm leaving
it right there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Rob was busy all weekend. Can we say that? I
went out of town this weekend. Okay. And just
got back about four. Yep. Yeah. Yeah. Hell yeah.
Yep. All right. Rob, we need you here for our
annual Rob Fest. Mark is not invited. Rob, you
are the honoree, so we are giving you a three
-day indoor plumbing pass. Only a short... Yeah.
Only a short half -hour walk to town. So if you've
got to use indoor plumbing, you've got to walk
to downtown. That is king status. Yes. I'm not
invited, though. So, you know, this is one out
of... I can see why you're upset. Yes. I wanted
to go to RobFest really bad. I thought it was
fitting because, you know, you're my other on
this podcast. What the hell? Yeah. This is what...
I know. They're pretty much giving me the finger
right in my face. And they're going, what are
you going to do about it? And I'm going to go,
well, I guess I'm not going to go to Rob Fest.
So this is one out of only four passes. All our
guests are welcome to our clean wooden outhouses.
Be sure to use them early. We can ensure corn
cobs for everyone. As a gentle reminder, please
do not drop your phone in the shit pit. It always
ends badly. We also confiscated old Sparky from
Cass Midway's trophy case. This will be... Yes,
I know, I know. Old Sparky would remember me.
He'd look at my ass and go, uh -huh, yep, uh
-huh. So, it will be administered as needed.
I'm sure the large crowd would be on good behavior,
though. Rob, be sure and arrive a couple hours
early. We need to fit you for the dunk tank seat.
You'll love it. It's going to be hot out. I need
to get... I need to get... I'm making carp coleslaw
just for you, Rob. Mitch, president of the Rob
Rad fan club and Fuckhammers manager. P .S. Okay,
answer one. Okay, go ahead. P .S. Fuck... Fuckhammer
will not be there because they're in Europe touring
to support their new masterpiece, Bloody Rim
Jobs. Only available in 8 -track tapes. Rob,
go ahead. Bloody Rim Jobs. What the hell? Mitch,
you're demented. Rob, what were you going to
say? Get this back on track. So, Fuckhammer has
a new album that you can only get on 8 -track
called Bloody Rim Jobs. Okay, next. Oh, sorry.
Let's see. Plum and Passes. Mitch, president
of the Rob Rad Fan Club and Fuckhammer's manager.
I don't know. Oh, the dunk tank. Yeah, that's
a... Oh, I know what it was. Okay. I am not worried
about the dunk tank one bit. Okay. You're not
going to be in the water. I'm not worried about
your dunk tank. Rob, you're going to have to
dunk yourself because it's going to be hot that
day, they say. Yeah, I know. I know. So, anyhow.
That is no joke. We beat Caspin with a 33. I
believe it. We were good at football, and that's
it. We were good at nothing else. No, no. The
baseball team was not but a bunch of midgets.
I believe that. I'm telling you, we were really
good at football. They were short, man. Everybody
beat the hell out of them. On the field, of course.
That doesn't surprise me. Mark, I love that you
put in some old segments from the first year
of your podcast. I would love to hear more. How
about the mad shitter? Thank you. Robert in Dallas.
Robert in Dallas used to email us quite a bit.
And he was around for the first year. Even when
we was giving out bullshit email addresses, he
was trying to email him. He told me, well, we're
giving like Yahoo, or not Yahoo, Excite, Mindspring,
and all the ones that don't exist anymore. We're
giving out all these Douchebag Central and Mindspring
.com, you know, and all this stuff. Anyhow, he's
been emailing a long time, and yeah, I'll put
in the Mad Shitter. I got it somewhere. I'll
find it. So, why not, right? Yep. It's been a
while since everyone's heard that, you know,
and then new people can hear it, too. So, yep.
I am the Mad Shitter in Clinton, Missouri, and
it will be explained on this podcast at some
point. Yeah, that way, for those that have not
heard, will understand because we talk about
it so much. Yeah, yeah, like Babble Snatch. Babble
Snatch came... It came from somewhere. So, yeah,
yeah. I'm going to start putting in old segments
here and there because I'm going to start getting
more from Topher because those episodes are lost.
I mean, Topher has them, but they're not anywhere
online because RSS, we didn't know this, RSS
only handles so many. And then that's it. They
start cutting off from the first. Yeah, what
I'm attempting to do is taking bits of them and
putting them into current shows so people can
get the old flavor and then this. So, yeah. Robert,
thank you. Keep emailing us, man. I hadn't heard
from you in a while. I'm glad you're still around.
Thank you. Next one. I looked for the food dude
too. I can't find yours, but some other account
pops up. Just thought I'd let you know. Andy
in Rockport. I know. I don't know who this foodie
doody is or something like that. I have no fucking
idea who he is, but it's not me. It's not my
stuff. No, that guy's an idiot in my opinion.
So, no. It's lost. I can't find it. I mean, I
started it and had it. I had two accounts. I
had my personal and I had the food dude. So when
I go out of town for work or even vacation, sometimes
I would go to coffee shops and I rate their bagels
and coffee. And so I have all the transcripts.
So all I can do is if anyone has any questions
about anywhere I've been. Shit, I have like,
I don't know, 40 of them. I traveled so much.
So I have like 40 of them. And I have all the
transcripts in a notebook. So if you need to
know something, ask me. If you remember it and,
you know, I can't get it anymore. But, you know,
I can't get it on the Instagram account. But
I have the transcripts. Andy, thank you. You
guys have pictures of the Talk is Cheap and Duck
Blind Studios. I hear so much about them. Would
love to actually see them. Teresa in Wayne, Nebraska.
Oh, I've been to Wayne, Nebraska. That's up near
Sioux City, Iowa, I think so. It's way up there.
Yeah, we have, what is it, two douchebags and
microphone Facebook page? Yes, yes. Duck Blind
Studio is still under construction. Teresa, give
us a little bit. Give us, I don't know, a couple
months. My studio's pretty good, but I've got
to rearrange it for a couple of new things. And
when I have it complete to where I want, I will
put pictures up at the Two Douchebags and a Microphone
Facebook page. And he does have pictures on there
already. Yeah, yeah. Okay, so there you go, Teresa.
All right, and finally, hey, douches, I'm not
getting political, but what would you consider
a fair tax rate for middle -class America? Ronnie
in Tulsa, the Tulsa King. 20%. What do you think?
15%. Yeah. Okay. Actually, I'm going to go with
15, too. Fuck them. They don't deserve our 20.
Yeah, yeah. We need that extra five. Yep. Ronnie,
glad you're doing well. My understanding is you're
moved to Atlanta, but you're still Ronnie in
Tulsa. So, thank you very much. Tulsa King. Rob,
we turn this whole thing over to you. Here's
the keys. Oh boy. Oh no, it goes off. Okay. Right
now it just seems they are very adaptable and
that includes moving their nests where they're
underground. Oh. Wow. Frankenants? Is that what
they call it now? Frankenants? Frankenstein.
Frankenstein ants. Wow. Wow. Mm -hmm. Those sound
horrible. Yeah, they go from Appalachians. Wow.
Frankenstein ants. Yes. All right. Thank you,
Rob. And they're hybrid, is what they are. Yeah,
like Blackfire ants and Redfire ants started
banging, and this is what their offspring is.
So, okay. They're kind of like a... A puggle,
right? A poodle and a pug or, you know. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Or a pit zoo. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. That's what they are. So they're
designer ants, just like designer dogs, right?
Yeah. There you go. There's good spin on it.
All right. We're going to take our second break,
and we're going to come right back. And you know
what? Damn it, I lost that extreme YouTube song.
Oh, no, I didn't. Hang on. Okay. Here we go.
All right. Everybody, we'll be back here in just
a little bit. But until then, enjoy this song
because it kicks ass. But you know what? I can't
play too much of it because of the copyright
violation. So anyhow, we'll be back. Ms. Gulkenstein
was tired of Mark and Toe for making sport of
her. Little did the douchebags know Ms. Gulkenstein
was a voodoo high priestess when she was younger.
She grew angry and cast a spell on Rob, changing
Rob into a capuchin monkey. Mark took Rob to
a local zoo so he could be with the other monkeys.
Here are the adventures of Rob, the capuchin
monkey. Shh, be very quiet. gonna listen in as
rob the capuchin monkey tries to sell the rest
of the capuchin monkeys amway rob has always
dreamed of becoming a diamond status amway as
a capuchin monkey Little did our hero Rob know.
All the great apes owned stock in Sam's Club
and became violently pissed off when he tried
to infringe on their territory. They promptly
grabbed switches and beat his ass for three days
straight. Rob could not sit down. Next up, Things
Overheard in Hell. Man, Axel Rose is such a great
childhood therapist. I hope he writes more books.
This is Chicago. I am the most dangerous city
in North America. You can't touch me. Oh, yeah?
This is Kansas City here. Hold my beer, bitch.
Well, hi, everybody. It's time for your favorite
game show. That's right. Ask a random question
with your friendly, happy host, Jumpin' Jack
Calhoun. And now, over to the right, we go to
our first contestant. Low dong, lip snarl. Low
dong, what is your question? Well, I was just
wondering how come every now and then I have
a song just go over and over repeating itself
in my head and I can't seem to get rid of it.
I'd like to know what the hell's doing that so
I can stop it. The phenomenon of songs getting
stuck in your head, also known as earworms, is
linked to how your brain processes and stores
music. It involves various brain areas, including
the auditory cortex, areas for memory and emotional
processing, and the phonological loop. Catchy,
repetitive, and emotionally engaging songs are
more likely to become earworms. Okay, okay, okay.
That's enough, you long -winded idiot. Jeez,
I didn't ask for a fucking essay. Tomorrow morning
while grinding your coffee beans for your double
mocha latte, remember to not get your genitals
caught in the grinder. It really hurts. Who can
afford plastic surgery? Stay safe, everyone.
And now we look in on the adventures of the technical
explanation guy. Excuse me, my dear sir. Could
you please put my plain bread in a small countertop
appliance with heating elements that would spring
loaded and would brown my bread adequately? Well,
first off, I'm not a waiter. I'm just a guy over
there sitting at the table having a drink. Second
off, are you talking about someone toasting your
bread? Well, yes. Yes, I am. I'm talking about
my bread being toasted. Then why don't you just
ask for your bread to be toasted, you dumb bastard?
What the hell's wrong with you? Two douchebags
and a microphone invade your ear holes in...
Hey! Who took a dump in the cooler? Hey, look.
I think we found land. Oh my god, I think we're
safe. Oh no! It's the island of horrible jokes.
I dreamt I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.
Hey there, slap nuts. It's time for the Creeps
Music News. Hey, my little pumpkin seeds. This
is Johnny Rohypnol with your music news. Ozzy
Osbourne, in collaboration with Liquid Death,
sold 10 empty crushed ice tea cans containing
his DNA for $450 each. The cans are part of a
promotion called Infinitely Recyclable Ozzy.
They have since sold out. The cans were sealed
in lab jars and contain a sample of Ozzy's saliva.
This is Johnny Rohypnol. That was your music
news. And remember, bar chords are bullshit.
This is Two Douchebags and Microphone. I'm Mark
in the Kansas City area to talk his cheap studio.
I was trying to figure out what I wanted to go
to here. I think I'm going to go to this one
right here. No good deed goes unpunished. A 21
-year -old man suffered non -life -threatening
injuries on July 6 when he tried to direct a
shark back into the sea in Nantucket, Massachusetts.
Oh, you read that already? I read the story.
I didn't report it. Oh, okay. According to the
Nantucket Current, the man had been fishing and
caught the sandbar shark, which he and others
were trying to pull by its tail back into deeper
waters. But when he released the animal, it turned
around and bit him on the leg before swimming
away. By the way, fuck you. That's awesome. Beach
goers watched and recorded videos as the incident
unfolded. A friend took the injured man to the
hospital, and he was later transported by helicopter
to a mainland hospital. He saved the shark's
life. And the shark turns around and goes, oh,
by the way, here's the good news. He takes off.
Bravo, shark. Bravo. Well played. Yes, well played,
buddy. Yep. Anyhow, that was a short story. Go
ahead, Rob. We're up to you now. Okay, okay.
Well, you'll have to excuse me on my last story.
I got a little confused. The ants are up in the
Appalachians. The Mississippi River is the story.
Okay. Yeah, they're not down around the Mississippi.
Okay. But these are. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah. Yeah. They're destroying it. Yeah, yeah,
they're horrible. They're also known as Japanese
carp. Yes. That's okay. That's good because that's
the only way they're going to slow this species
down that's just destroying the ecological system
of the Mississippi and the Missouri River too,
both. Everyone except New York and California.
So there you go. Okay. Wow, I didn't know that.
Once you've recorded the necessary information
and stored the fish, you'll want to call your
local authorities to report the catch. Okay.
You know, the lionfish in the Gulf of Mexico
is doing the same thing. It's just tearing up
the ecological system. And what they do is they...
Asked all the restaurants to serve it because
it's a tasty fish, I guess. So, and it's okay
to eat. It's not poisonous. The outer, the barbs
on it are poisonous, but you can cut that off
and eat the meat and it's good. And that's how
they're kind of controlling that. So on Japanese
carp or black carp, you can't eat it. It's real
porous and it's just nasty. And so there's not
really a reason for people to hunt it. This is
what they have to do. They have to offer a bounty
for it, which I think is the best idea. Offer
people money to it, and they'll do it, right?
Yeah. So, thank you, Rob. Soccer, what? I said
you're welcome. Oh, okay. Cool. Soccer player
Lamar Yamal, forward for Barcelona, hosted a
party to celebrate his 18th birthday on July
13th at a rented country home. and Olivella,
Spain, The Athletic reported. Media gathered
outside caught glimpses not only of celebrity
guests, but also of a group of people with dwarfism
who were seen entering the house, which sparked
an investigation by Spain's Ministry of Social
Rights. On July 14th, Catalan radio station RAC1
aired an interview with one of the people from
the party who downplayed the controversy. We're
only asking that they let us work. They said,
we are normal people, self -employed, and do
everything legally. In the show that we offer,
we do to the place and dance with people, and
we deliver shots and drinks, and we do magic
tricks. I've never experienced... This is dwarves
doing this. It's a thing. You can hire them.
So dwarves do magic tricks. They deliver shots
and drinks. They dance with people. this is what
they offer. I've never experienced a lack of
respect while working so far with all this criticism
that the ADEE is doing is screwing with our jobs.
Rob, that's what I want. Me too. I want a bunch
of dwarves doing magic tricks and dancing. That
party would be referred to ever. It'd be like,
yeah, yeah, this is a cool party, but... You
only have dwarves fucking dancing and handing
out shots. So, yeah, I'm sorry. That's got to
be my next bachelor party. Yeah, you never know.
That might be coming up. Never know. Never know.
But if it does, all right, we're going to hire
you some dwarves, and we're going to have some
fun. It was just like this one time a buddy of
mine that was on his bachelor party went to strip
club, and there's this... 6 '4 Brazilian chick.
And I told her to go get my friend Mike, who
was having his bachelor party. She went over
there, and he's a big guy. She picked him up
and threw him on the chair and started lap dancing
him. He knew nothing was coming. He's sitting
there looking at the pole. Some chick dances.
All of a sudden, she walks over there. She points
at him. I go, yeah, yeah, because I gave her
a good wad of cash. She grabs him. You're coming
with me. Fucking throws him in a chair and starts
lap dancing on him. It was great. But never go
to, what was it, Spanky's or Spank's in Reed
Springs. Spank's. Oh, my God. A peg leg, a cesarean,
a botched boob job. We cannot warn people enough.
Oh, my gosh. What was that one? Go to Golden
Seductions, the over 70. Do not expect Golden
Seductions. It would be better than Spanx. It
would be better than Spanx. I've never seen a
stripper with a peg leg before until Spanx. I've
never seen a stripper. Hell yeah. I love it.
Old people got to have fun too, brother. Oh,
hell yeah. And maybe we'll luck out and there'll
be a couple of dwarfs in there dancing, right?
Yeah. No, I think that would probably be spanked.
Yeah. Don't you want to just take like a dwarf
and pick him up by the collar and just spank
him? There's nothing they could do. They're twirling
their hands and their feet and you're just going
bap, bap. Yeah, that's what you get. Oh, man,
you imagine what it smells like down there. Oh,
my God. Oh, no, I knew a guy that would purposely,
whenever there'd be a dwarf around, he would
try to fart in their face. He'd walk over there
and just try to blast one. I mean, as much as
he could. Too bad we didn't have the serial farter
I used to work with. Oh, my gosh. He would have
killed them. Oh, I got to look for that story,
too. I got to look for that story. The serial
farter. Yeah. So the mad shooter and the serial,
the serial fart farter that I used to work with.
Oh my gosh. Those are two. Yeah. Two good ones.
All right, Rob, we turn to you. All right. Here's
another short one for you. Okay. conservation
efforts. The Missouri Department of Conservation
confirmed that first ever observation of the
extremely endangered Heinz Emerald Dragonfly
in Bollinger County. One of the rarest dragonflies
in the nation. Oh, wow. Okay. since then. Okay.
If you get a chance, look them up. Okay. They're
beautiful. No, I will. They are. Okay, that sounds
cool. All right, thank you, Rob. Let's see. Okay.
Do you still have time? Yeah, I got a few minutes.
Okay. In United Arab Emirates, They have a highway
that has grooves in it that when a tire goes
over it, it will play parts of Beethoven's Ninth
Symphony. Oh, cool. Yeah. I mean, I wish we had
a road that whenever they went over grooves,
it told them to look at the fucking road and
not their phone. Wouldn't that be good? Yeah.
Yeah. You know what I want? I want a road that
plays the Price is Right losing sound whenever
there's a fender bender. Wouldn't that be cool?
All of a sudden... Wah, wah, wah. Damn it. Yeah,
if you get a chance, look it up. It's really
neat. I mean, at first I thought, oh man, that's
stupid. And then I watched it and I'm like, oh
no, no, that is cooler than hell. And it's Beethoven's
Ninth Symphony because everyone's heard it. In
case you know it or not, you've heard it. So
when you hear it on this road, you're like, oh
yeah, yeah, I know that one. So that was just
a small one I've had for a long time that I wanted
to get rid of. So, Rob, we turn back to you.
Okay, you want to give me a minute on this one?
Okay, I got it. I might come up. I got to come
up and stop real quick. As far as I know, I have
a minute. I can't see into the future, but I
think I have a minute, so go ahead. Well, are
you looking for it, or is it like a... Yeah,
I know. You're out Galahooting. Oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, hey, hey. I was talking about Ice
Cube. Here we go. Oh, okay. Ice Cube's latest
movie is off to a slow start on review. Aggregator
Rotten Tomatoes, according to 15 critics and
counting. Hang on, Rob. You did that story last
week. Oh, did I? Okay. Yep. No, that's okay.
I just thought I'd warn you. I thought you didn't
know. So, okay. This bird, Tim Tags. Nope, haven't
got to that one. So, please, go ahead. The system
is operational. Once the system is in place,
vehicle buyers in Missouri will be required to
pay sales tax at the point of the sale when they
purchase through a dealership. Oh, wow. and a
permanent metal plate with the same number of
configuration will be mailed to the buyer. Okay.
So it sounds like they're not going to keep the
metal tags on hand anymore. That's what it sounds
like. And that will be your 30 -day tax or whatever.
Sorry, had to. Had to. Had to. I kind of knew
it was coming to this because, I mean, it's a
pretty well -known fact. Oh, my God, dude. Yeah.
They're all over. Yeah, and they're all, like,
five years old. So, I mean, it does not surprise
me at all. So, anyhow. All right, do you still
have time? Yeah, do you have, like, one more?
Yeah, yeah. Let's see here. Yeah, okay. My phone's
being a little retarded tonight. I was in the
boonies again. Oh, gotcha. It's trying to get
used to Wi -Fi again. Oh, yeah, where you were,
yeah. Yeah, where you were is the boonies. You're
down there near Pomme de Tar, right? Yeah, yeah,
I was at Pomme de Tar. Okay, yeah, that's the
boonies. And that's one of the best lakes to
go to because it isn't a bunch of people there.
It's more secluded. Yeah, it's beautiful. Palme
d 'Itar is a very well -kept secret to a lot
of people. They don't go there for some reason,
but it's actually not as busy, not nearly as
busy as the other lakes. And it's a beautiful
lake, too. You're like the third person to tell
me that. The Harbor, yeah. My cousin's girlfriend.
Uh -huh. Okay, I got to kind of watch what I
say here. Who introduced me to somebody. Uh -huh.
She's a cook at the Harbor. Okay, and this is...
Shout out to the Harbor. Is this... A good meal
at Harbor State. Hang on, maybe it wasn't the
Harbor. i can't you know what i can't remember
i thought like it's it's it's right it's right
on the dam that might be it right there at the
dam okay you know what i i'm not for sure i'd
have to i oh well i'd have to ask someone i'm
pretty sure a couple people told me i think about
that place maybe there's another one um anyhow
all right an unnamed man hiking The Fee Glacier
in Switzerland on July 4 suddenly broke through
a snow bridge and fell 26 feet into a narrow
crevice. The Associated Press reported, he had
a walkie -talkie and reached someone nearby who
alerted emergency responders, but his exact location
was unknown. Lucky for him, his companion, his
long -haired chihuahua, who patiently near the
edge of the hole where rescuers eventually saw
him. They were able to rappel down the crevice
and bring the man out. He and his canine savior
were flown to a hospital. The dog is a four -legged
hero who may have saved his master's life in
a life -threatening situation, gushed a statement
from Air Zermatt, the rescue company. The dog
reportedly kept... saying drop the chalupa at
the hospital they wrote this not me and anyhow
hi and if you don't know what drop the chalupa
is go ahead yeah look here talk a bell yeah yeah
yeah yeah if you don't know what i'm talking
about just put in drop the chalupa Or Taco Bell
Chihuahua. And you will see the old commercial
that this is referring to. And I forgot to scratch
out that part about Drop the Chalupa. I apologize
for that horrible, horrible joke. Normally I
edit these a little bit better, but that one
got away from me. Rob, are you still good or
do you want to end this shit show? Yeah, I'm
fine. All right. Hello, Albuquerque. Hello, Hicksville.
Hello, Grandma Opal. Yeah, Grandma Opal. I haven't
heard anything about you, so I guess that's good
news because she's in a rehab. So, Grandma Opal,
we love you. Keep listening. We love Jimmy, too.
He's an awesome guy. He's the best grandson you
could ever have because he allows you to listen
to us. And we love Grandma Opal. We are your
hugest fans. We hope rehab is going well for
you. Jimmy, drop us a line. Let us know how things
are going. I know you're busy. Hey, Al. Thank
you, assholes, for listening. Have a good night,
assholes. Good night, assholes. Oh, no. Looks
like the show's over, kids. Mark has explosive
diarrhea and can't afford a wireless mic. Fear
not, assholes. They'll be back invading your
ear holes soon.