Hey, you fucking derelicts. It's time for the
Daily Douchebag Pledge. I, Joe or Jane Listener,
hereby promise to download the show. I, Joe or
Jane Listener. Hereby promise to grab other people's
phones, unattended computers, public computers,
and all of my work computers as well, and download
the show from there. I, Joe or Jane Listener,
hereby promise to make other people listen. I,
Joe or Jane Listener. will hereby lie to everyone
about how quality the show is. I, Joe or Jane
Listener, promise to make all my family members
listen and recite the daily douchebag pledge.
And finally, I, Joe or Jane Listener, hereby
promise to make the trek to Knobloch, Missouri,
just to have a selfie with the Knobloch sign.
Here at Two Douchebags and a Microphone, we don't
stand behind our journalistic integrity. Go ahead
and assume we got the story wrong. At least we
admit it. Not like all those other guys, we can
and will lie if it makes the story better. Two
douchebags and a microphone. And now we look
in on the adventures of the technical explanation
guy. Oh my, would you look at the Riley scattering?
It sure is brilliant tonight. First off, you're
on private property. Second, you're in my flower
garden. Third, if you're talking about the sunset,
yes, it is stunning. And finally, would you get
the hell off my property, you annoying fucking
bastard. Hey, my fellow heavy breeders, this
is Dash Riptide, your music news. Graham Bonnet
Band is currently working on their fourth album.
Graham said it's very possible Bruce Dickinson
might guest on a song or two on his new album.
Bruce is a big fan of Graham's ever since his
days in Rainbow. Two fantastic lead singers in
one song? Kind of reminds me of Deep Purple's
Mark III lineup with Glenn Hughes and David Coverdale.
This should be pretty damn good. We will see.
This is Gash Rooktine, and that was your music
news. If it's too loud, you probably have ear
damage, just like me. Harambe used to listen
to our original show, Two Dipshits and Cheek
Radio Shack Realistic Tape Recorder. Harambe
does not listen to our original show, Two Dipshits
and Cheek Radio Shack Realistic Tape Recorder
anymore. You might ask why Harambe never listens
to our original show, Too Dipshits, in a cheap
Radio Shack realistic tape recorder. Well, it's
because Harambe is dead. Senselessly murdered
because some idiot did not watch her child properly
while looking on her phone. Sadly, Harambe does
not listen to our original show, Too Dipshits,
in the cheap Radio Shack realistic tape recorder,
or any other show. Anymore. Sorry, Harambe. Next
up, Things Overheard in Hell. Gary Glitter has
been named the lead singer in the boys' choir
of hell. Oh, shit. What's that over there? Oh,
no. It's the island of horrible jokes. Well,
I just saw two red -breasted birds sunning on
a limb. They must be basking robins. two douchebags
and microphone on mark here in the kansas city
area at the extreme southern tip of at the talk
is cheap studio Real quick, I would like to say
hello to Seth. When Seth hears this, he will
probably be on his way back from Chicago. But
he took an interest in our podcast and he said
he's going to, you know, it's about seven and
a half hour drive and he's driving there. So
he will get a lot of douchebaggery in while he's
on his way there. I work with him. Very nice
guy. Yeah, he's one of my better friends there
now. I mean, he just, him and I get along very
well. He's a cool guy. So, Seth, when you hear
this, thank you. And download it on the computer
at your hotel. Make sure and download it there.
And then if you see any random strangers, grab
their phone and download it there. Okay? That's
not too much to ask, is it? They'll laugh, won't
they? That's right. Okay, Seth, we suggest that.
Don't let them catch you. Okay. And if you get
in trouble, I'll take this. These days, messing
with people's computers could be a federal charge.
So, yeah, be careful. Yeah, you know what? Forget
that. Forget that. Forget everything. Yeah, I
don't want to get them in trouble. Okay. Have
you heard about the dickhead that did the post
about Ozzy? and green jelly yes yeah what a fucking
bitch what a bitch yeah he got fired over it
number one green jelly had one song of note ever
and that was that little pig let me in not by
the hair of my chinny chin chin it was a fucking
stupid ass song anyhow it the song blew they
have no discernible talent at all and he fucking
um Let's see. He said, oh, congratulations, Ozzy,
on being one day sober. Was that what he said
or something like that? Okay. Oh, here it is.
Okay. He had an image featured, a Photoshop image
of Osborne holding a sign that reads, one day
sober. Yeah. So, anyhow, the band deleted it
as soon as they seen it, and they promptly fired
Michael Snyder. Green Jelly's Michael Snyder.
Yeah, that's right. Well, anyhow, it was completely...
Look, we're not in the best of taste, but I would
never do that, would you? No. Yeah. So, anyhow,
Green Jelly. What did you sell? Ten albums? I
could have heard it myself. That's why I didn't
even bother. The only reason... You want to know,
honestly, the only reason I remember them at
all, I remember them getting sued by Jell -O
because they called themselves. That would have
been great if one of them got them, wouldn't
it? It sounds like something we would have done.
Yeah, you know what? Absolutely, it would have
been. But, yeah, I mean, ours would have been
a prank. It sounds like this guy was, I don't
know, on something or nuts or all of the above.
Yeah, ours would be total. Yeah, we would have
been teeing and slapping, you know, fucking back
slapping and stuff. He just did it because he's
nuts or on drugs or whatever. You never know.
Don't rule out anything, Rob. Don't rule out
anything. Chuck E. Cheese has been in the news
quite a bit, and I got a couple over here. They're
not in concession, but I mean, I guess I could.
Now, wait. You know what? The other Chuck E.
Cheese story is coming up, and there's another
one that I still got to go get that I haven't
got yet. But Chuck E. Cheese has been quite the
exciting place lately. Okay, Chuck E. Cheese
mascot steals a credit card. The Tallahassee
Democrat reported that Mr. Cheese, a .k .a. Jermell
Jones, interesting name, had been fingered as
the person who stole a patron's credit card in
June and made fraudulent purchases with it. Chuck
E. Cheese! When Belize arrived at the famous
restaurant, Jones, wearing his giant costume
mouse head, was handcuffed and escorted out the
front door in front of patrons young and old.
Officers found the stolen credit card in his
possession. You cannot write stuff like that.
Imagine the trauma the kids had. Yeah, oh my
God. You imagine the parents trying to explain
that. Little Junior. They probably will never
go back to Chuck E. Cheese. They probably turned
around and said, Chuck E. Cheese is bad, Junior.
That's why we don't go here. That's so Eddie.
I don't know if the kids may have liked it. Yeah,
they'd probably tell it's part of the show. There
you go, man. Chuck E. Cheese got street cred,
bitch. He's got street cred. Look at him, man.
He's getting tagged out of here with the shackles
on. As long as I left the head on him. He had
to go out with the mouth. Yes, I know. I love
that. That's the best. That is the best. Yeah,
I want to see. I'm sure there's video on that.
I'll look around. I want to see the video on
that. I want to see the giant mouse head guy
hang out. All right. When a certain intern started
her summer job at Sydney Austin in New York City,
she made her mark by biting another employee,
for which she was not immediately fired. the
behavior before for five victims she bit. The
sixth one was it. They decided to get rid of
her after she bit six people. And she claims
she has a disability that compels her to bite
other people. The American Disability Act does
not protect an employee at the expense of another
employee. She is indeed fired and is going to
stay fired even though she has this condition
that gives her an uncontrollable urge to bite
employees or co -workers. What do you think of
that, Rob? Okay. I have one thing to say about
that. Please do. They kick preschoolers out of
school for less times than that. I agree. I agree.
It sounded... It sounded to me like she's using
this thing as a crutch. She thought that the
American Disability Act would get her further
than what it did. Well, she found out different
because if you take and do a violent act towards
a person, which biting someone is, there's nothing
they can do about it. Angrily, her ass should
have been in jail. Really? That's what I was
thinking, too. Why didn't she get an assault
charge? Maybe the person that she bit... You
know, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
I've never heard anything like that. You know
what? I'll read more on it because this is just
a little blurb on this website that I go to.
I'll look up the full story. I'll let you know.
Because, yeah, number one, she should have got
an assault and battery charge. Number two, she
walked around with a piece of paper that says,
hey, just to let you know, I bite people. I can't
control it. So when I bite you, don't freak out.
Sorry. No offense. Whatever. All right. Every
vampire better be going silent. Yeah. Now, I
know there's some people that like to do that.
I don't know if it's sexually or whatever. Whatever
it is. You just have to go there. Yeah, yeah,
yeah. But I don't think this was that. Oh, that
would never fly. Oh, no, no, no. One bite and
I'm going to be going, Rob, did your son leave
your extra room? Is he in his place yet, Rob?
Oh, okay. I guess I'll rent a hotel. Okay. We
wouldn't have a show if you didn't. Oh, that's
right, okay. Make sure you grab all your equipment.
Okay, well, if I ever do bite her, just take
notice. That's what's going to happen. I'll be
down there, and I'll be sleeping in the duck
blind studio. I got your back, brother. All right,
thanks. Be down there bringing the computer in
and everything. All right. You know, it is easy
to move, surprisingly. That big sum of bitch
is easy to move. It has some sort of little wheel
bearings on the underneath that you can't see.
And it actually moves across floors really easily.
It wouldn't be that hard to transport, actually.
The guy that I bought it from... Oh, the guy
that I bought it from, check this out. No, no,
no, I know that. I know it's all a joke, honestly.
The guy that sold it to me, he offered delivery
too, free. I was like, okay, cool. And I'm looking
around and he only had a Taurus, a Ford Taurus,
with this frame welded to the back of it. He
must have had it welded to the frame of the Taurus
and then put the bumper back on somehow. But
he had this square frame that was kind of low
hanging that he took the video game. and put
it on and flipped it over and put some refrigerator
straps on it, some appliance straps. And that's
how he delivered it in a Ford Taurus. It was
the weirdest getup I've ever seen like that.
You understand what I'm saying? He had this,
yeah, angle iron with a square frame that would
hold a video game. Welded probably to the frame
of the car somehow. I mean, I don't know what
else it could have been welded to. But it worked.
It held it and brought it here. Actually, they
make attachments that you put in your trailer
receiver. Oh. And a buddy of mine had one of
these on an old Pathfinder. Okay. It's like a
little cage that hangs off the receiver here.
Yes, okay. Okay, then that is probably what he
had done. Okay. Yeah. Okay, I thought he had
something custom made. Could have been a little
trailer. Well, it could be custom, but I have
seen people make them. I'll bet you. This is
10 years ago when I bought the game. It probably
was a little, you know, over time you think it's
something different. I do that all the time.
Then I'll go back and go, oh, wow, I thought
that was round. I guess it was, you know, stuff
like that. It probably was attached to, it probably
was a little square trailer hitch, I bet. So
anyhow, I thought that was an interesting way
of bringing it to me. And then it rolled really
some, I was like going, you got a dolly? And
he had a dolly, but he goes, no, we won't need
it till your steps. They roll really easy. I
had no idea they did. So, yeah. As Albert Cutler
was driving home from church on July 27th, he
noticed a bald eagle flying over the highway
in Akachi Lake, Wisconsin. The eagle was carrying
a fish until it wasn't. And as Cutler watched
the fish fall, he wondered if it hit his car
or what happened to it. He didn't see it anymore.
Fox 6 TV reported upon arriving home, Cutler's
daughter located the fish stuck in the grill
of his truck. The largemouth bass went in the
family's fridge and Cutler said it's the biggest
bass he's ever caught. I hope so, too. I mean,
you know, he's going to need a new grill. I don't
even know if full coverage would cover that.
A bird drops a fish? That's kind of hard to believe.
Isn't that covered under Mayhem, the Mayhem commercial?
Only if you have Mayhem. If you have Mayhem,
you're covered. Because everything else happens.
I'm going to have to say a fish coming off a
bald eagle, Mayhem would cover that, right? Yeah,
that's pretty much like everything else that
happens. Like the guy trying to watch the football
game during a wedding and catches the whole thing
on fire and all that good stuff. That's mayhem.
Or the guy that's mowing his lawn and he blows
all the leaves all over the windshield of a guy's
car and he runs into another car. That's mayhem.
So I think a bald eagle dropping a fish would
be mayhem, right? Yeah, definitely. Okay. I hope
you have mayhem. So, okay, in August 2023, News
of the Weird, which is this website that I get
it from, Shepard Express, reported the arrest
of Salise Karen Trowder of Glendale, California,
for the unusual fetish of butt sniffing. Khalees
is a guy now. Now he's back in the news. According
to KTLA -TV, Crowder was arrested on July 27
at a Walmart in Burbank after he crouched behind
a woman at Nordstrom Rack and inappropriately
sniffed her buttocks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my
gosh. Yeah, so Crowder, who's a frequent flyer
with Los Angeles County, was on active patrol
for his previous offenses and had his bail set
at $100 ,000. He needs to be put away for good,
said one alleged victim. I think it's kind of
funny, though. A butt sniffer. He's been caught
multiple. You know what I do? I grab his head
and just stick his nose right up to my asshole
and go, here, get a really good sniff, buddy.
Here, dig in. When we were in our teens and late
and early 20s, that was right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, remember we used to bite people. We used
to bite people on the ass. Remember we'd dare
somebody, hey, go in there and bite them in the
ass. They would go like. Harry did that one time,
and the guy almost beat him up, remember? Yes,
I remember that. Harry would do anything. He
was nuts. I love the guy. God rest his soul.
They were like, Harry, are you crazy? Yes. Go
bite that guy's ass. Oh, my God. He admitted
to it. Oh, yeah. I remember when he showed up
in school. He had papers. He had papers. He's
like, hey, guys. yeah yeah as a matter of fact
as a matter of fact i am check this out yeah
oh yeah yeah i i i miss the guy he was a hell
of a guy yes yes he was a hell of a character
or remember he'd get really stoned and he would
suddenly turn british until he was not stoned
anymore Yep. He'd just start talking in a real
heavy British accent that was really good. I
mean, yeah. But only when he was smashed, man.
He'd get stoned and just start going, oh, yes,
chap, I did it. And he would do it perfectly.
And then you'd tell him about it later. He'd
go, I didn't do that. Yeah, you did. You did
do it, Harry. Everyone here saw it, didn't you?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't do that. You guys
are fucking with me. No, I don't believe you.
And I really believe... Now, my friend, you understand
the papers. Yes, yes. Or another thing that we'd
do, we'd supposed to meet up after a concert
because it was a free -for -all back then, right?
Whenever you had the money, you could buy your
ticket. So everyone was somewhere else. And he
would always disappear for an hour after the
concert and then just show up at the car out
of nowhere and he would claim he met that band.
And I don't think he did, but it was Harry. Who
knows? I mean, he might have done something so
astronomically weird that they said, come on,
man, you got to meet the band. But every show,
hour later, all said, oh, hey, where were you?
No, I got to meet the band. No, you didn't. Yeah,
yeah, I did. Yeah. So then we started doing that
to him, and he didn't believe it. I go, no, really?
I was just sitting there, and a guy came up and
gave me a backside pass. He said, hey, man, you
look cool. Here, have one. That would never happen.
It goes to hot chicks, right? Yeah. Yeah. Did
he go with us to fly off the wall? Do you remember?
I do remember that ACDC fly on. Me, you, John.
Yeah. Actually, yeah, I think they pretty much
shut down just gyms that night. Yeah, and I do
think he went because, yeah, that's right. Oh,
yeah. Yeah, yes, you're right. Yep, he did go
with us. That was a wild night, man. That was
a wild night. I mean, I'm pretty sure he met
us at that car that night an hour later and said,
oh, hey, man, Angus was cool, dude. Oh, yeah,
yeah. He's about this tall. Yeah, he did. Yeah,
right. You know who could be a really good butt
sniffer? That would be Angus Young. He's right
there. Yeah, good point. Yeah. I'm not saying
he is. I'm just saying if he was, he would be
really great at it. I mean, all he'd have to
do is just troll up there. And he probably wouldn't
get in trouble. Yes. Okay, okay. I do believe
Harry was there, but I can't, you know. It was
an ACDC concert. We were fucking tore up. We
were there, yeah. We're blasted out of our mind.
We know this. All right. Visitors to Grand Teton
National Park in Wyoming responded in a surprising
way to a wily fox nicknamed the Sneaker Snatcher.
The New York Times reported on July 17th the
National Park Service posted wanted signs to
warn campers that a fox was stealing shoes from
campsites. But as the total number of shoes ballooned
to 32, park staff realized people were intentionally
leaving their footwear accessible to the four
-legged Jesse James. This is what the article
said, not me. But anyhow, just in case he visits,
a video posted on Instagram pleads with visitors,
don't bait wildlife with belongings. Feeding
or encouraging wildlife can put animals at risk,
the park advised. You know, I didn't know that...
Raccoons stole footwear, right? But many years
ago, myself and some friends were at the lake
when a mutual friend's shoes stunk so bad we
made him put them outdoors. He never wore socks.
Oh man, his feet smelled like rotten sewage with
egg and kombucha or something. His feet and shoes
smelled like fried ass, for real. and he wasn't
really great at showering either. So, he put
his shoes out, and we're pretty sure a raccoon
stole them. Because the next day, he went out
there, where are my fucking shoes? There wasn't
any ring doorbells back then. Pretty sure they
smelled so bad, a raccoon fucking took them.
So, and that could be. Yeah, you know what? Somebody
probably was like, they found the culprit of
what smelled so bad, and they're like, okay,
there. Grab those. I got a pit dug already. Hold
your nose. Bring them over here. Okay, dump them
in there. All right, start shoveling. Yeah. Yep.
This is something we would do, Rob. CBS News
reported on July 25th that an unnamed man in
Argentina won a court battle against Google for
harm to his dignity. after the company's Street
View camera captured him walking around his yard
naked. The dispute began in 2017 when the man
and his house, with the house number clearly
visible, were posted to the Google system. He
said the images exposed him to a ridicule at
work and among his neighbors. A lower court ruled
against him saying he was walking around in inappropriate
conditions in the garden of his home, but appeals
judges disagreed and awarded him about $12 ,500
for the invasion of privacy. Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Isn't that awesome? He did, and the reason he
won it, you know why, don't you? Because they
showed his actual address. And then him. So,
yeah, people are like... Now, I'm always worried
that they catch me taking a piss. You're right.
You're right. Yep. Anyhow, I've got a whole bunch
more stuff, but man, we're running on 25, 26
minutes here, so let's get to some of your stuff,
and then we've got some emails. Okay, yeah, and
my person's kind of long, and you've got to stick
with me on it, but you're going to love it. Okay,
all right. Okay. Yes. In a viral TikTok with
879 ,100 views, XSBest350 says he's been seeing
a married woman for about a year. He knew she
was married and had no qualms with it. Nobody's
perfect, right? Uh -huh. Yep. Okay. I got you.
Okay. Okay. Okay. He said he would finance the
excursion by sending the man money via cash out.
That didn't sit right with the TikTok. He says
he found out what restaurant they were going
to and made reservations for the table next to
them using the husband's money. He says they
Interesting. Okay. Okay. Uh, yeah. Yep. Two douchebags
and microphone in an effort to keep everything
fresh. We offer you first world problems. What
in the devil? My bank is really out of calendars.
What do they expect me to do? Go to Walmart and
buy a $3 calendar? This is complete bullshit.
I am outraged. And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark.
Is a Pop -Tart a ravioli? Or is it a sandwich?
I may never know. You want to buy a $50 cheap
t -shirt that has KC Western Auto Building image
on it? We got you covered. Want a barbecue sauce
gift pack? No problem. Just a mere $40 and you're
first born. Hurry. You know rubes are jumping
all over to get to this complete ripoff. Because
people are cheap. Yes, it's true. Mark is an
old bastard. It's also true that Mark uses a
lot of ibuprofen. But Mark would like to tell
you... If you see any pictures of Ibuprofen,
it's obviously fake, and you're to take the pictures
and tear them up immediately. The boll weevil
clap. Read up on that sometime. The boll weevil
clap, and this old guy that I knew that was in
Vietnam, I probably should say, well, you know
what, you can take this part out of here if you
like it, and we can put it somewhere. But this
old guy that I knew down the road from me, It
was in Vietnam. He told me that one day, you
know, him and a couple of guys got a day off
from the war. So they went into the nearest town
to go look for some hookers. You know, they're
like, you know, if we're going to die, we're
going to get laid. So, okay. All right. So they
go in there and I guess the Viet Cong loaded
the prostitutes full of this stuff called the
boll weevil clap. Yeah. Oh, it is. So anyhow,
he said, you know, they all went and, you know,
did what they needed to do. You know, they thought
they were all going to die. So they went and
they got laid. And the next day, when a guy comes
in, he goes, oh, my God. He goes, I hurt so bad.
You know, my fucking dick hurts like hell. My
stomach hurts. I think I'm going to die. What
did they do with those damn hookers? So anyhow,
and he started hurting really bad. He said it
hurt so bad you could hardly breathe. You could
feel it in your dick shaft. It hurt so bad. So
they all go in, and I guess it's like a horrible
infection. And if you don't get it treated, it
will kill you. Like, you know, go up your scrotum
and into your testicles. And anyhow, the only
cure back then was is they had to take this glass
rod and shove it in the end of your penis. and
mash it with a rubber mallet. And then you have
to physically squeeze all the infection out of
your penis. I've heard of this. Yes. And this
took like four hours of mashing this rod and
then squeezing all the infection out. Because
if they don't get all the infection out right
then... It just flares right back up. Yes. Seals
your pee -pee shut. Yes. Yeah, that was the old
joke of, you know, if you catch VD, your dick's
going to turn black and fall off. But there are
actually STDs. That was the worst case scenario,
yeah. It actually will turn black and fall off
because the tissue will die. Yeah, it's kind
of like a gangrene type of deal, you know, or
something like that. So anyhow, yeah, he said
after that, he said, no, no more hookers. Hey
there, Slap Nets. It's time for the Creeps Music
News. Hey, my little pumpkin seeds. This is Johnny
Rohypnol with your music news. During an appearance
on July 8th episode of SiriusXM's Trunk Nation,
Tony Omi spoke about some of his upcoming music
-related projects, including a full -length collection
of new material from legendary Black Sabbath
guitarist. Tony said, as transcribed by Blabbermouth
.net, Well, at the moment, I was doing my own
album until Back to the Beginning event came
up, and then of course I had to stop and concentrate
on preparing for the Sabbath performance. But
I'm continuing next week to try to finish off
what I started with this album. And then who
knows what I'm going to do. It's great, really.
Because if something pops up, I'll do it if I
want to do it. Asked if his upcoming album is
a Tony Omi solo record with guests on it, like
he's done before with the legendary 2000s IOMI,
the guitarist responded, at the moment, no. I've
got one singer on it, which I originally thought
of different singers, but it started off as it
was going to be an instrumental album, and it's
gone from that into a full -fledged Tony Iommi
project. But then I thought, oh, wait, I want
to try it with a singer. So that's what I've
been doing. This is Johnny Rohypnol. That was
your music news. And remember, bar chords are
bullshit. Sometimes Mark appears to be in deep
thoughts. Usually he is contemplating whether
to squeeze it too out or save it up for a better
place. But I digress. Sometimes he does occasionally
have a deep thought. Now we look in on his brilliance.
What if I learned telepathy? And then I tried
to talk to random people. How would I know if
they're ignoring me? I guess some questions are
greater than mankind. Tomorrow morning, while
grinding your coffee beans for your double mocha
latte, remember to not get your genitals caught
in the grinder. It really hurts. And who can
afford plastic surgery? Stay safe, everyone.
Oh, Lord. That man just sawed a puppy in half.
Hey there. Don't worry. I have a clown nose.
guy just hit my child. It is okay. I have a clown
nose. Clown nose. Just put one on and you can
do anything. Want to run for office? Murder people
in public? Just grab a clown nose and bam, everyone
laughs. Clown noses are sold at gag stores online
and pedophile conventions. Grab one today and
make magic happen. My name is Mark, and I'm at
the Talk is Cheap studio. And I am Rob at the
beautiful, nightly warm of Lake of the Ozarks
in the Duck Blind studio. All right. Hey, no,
no, no, no. You guys start coming back with the
goat. If I'm going to do all that, you guys start
coming back with the goat. Okay, all right. Next
time it will be right after my introduction.
There you go. Your quacker sounds much better
than it did last week. I just re -listened to
the podcast on the way home, and I was like,
oh, man, the quack you did last week sounded
horrible. Did you hear it on the podcast? Okay,
dude. You're like, nah. No, I haven't. I went
back. I was on vacation. Okay, that's cool. Just
looking at that. Okay. All right, I understand.
All right, first one. Mark, I looked for your
Instagram, the food dude. And couldn't find it.
And I couldn't even think of the name that I
had. It was the food dude at Instagram. Okay.
This was when I was traveling a lot for work.
And I always went to coffee shops and got bagels
and coffee. And I rated them on Instagram, right?
Yeah, you told us about that. Yeah, yeah. I couldn't
think of the name. I couldn't remember what I
named it. It's the food dude because I can't
find it now. I guess they shut it down because
of inactivity. I don't know. I'm headed to Massachusetts
next Wednesday, and remember that coffee shop
you reviewed? It was in a very old mall, you
said. I plan on trying their cappuccino and the
bagel you claim was the best ever. I did claim
it was the best ever. I think you said an old
Jewish grandma made them daily, and she did.
Do you by chance know how I can find the Instagram
account, or at least hopefully remember the name
of the place and where it was located in? Thank
you in advance, Bobby in Wichita. Yes, I had
to. I found it. I can't find the Instagram account,
The Food Dude. I think it's taken down. I haven't
done it in so long. I mean, it's been five years.
I haven't rated anything in five years. I think
they just took it away because of inactivity
because I cannot find The Food Dude anywhere.
So I had to look through my old transcripts.
I used to write them out, right, and then put
them on Facebook. Or not Facebook, but Instagram.
So I looked through my old transcripts and I
found it. The name of the place is Coffee and
Cotton in Lowell, Massachusetts, right down from
the historic Luna Theater in the historic Mill
No. 5 Mall. Enjoy and let me know. So I don't
know where the food dude is. I think all those
are probably lost. But I have the transcript,
so if anyone else needs to know anything about
any place I raided, like the Italian place in
Denver that served real Italian coffee, I got
that. You need anything else, let me know. I
got them all written down. I got them in a notebook.
So you can't read the Instagram, but I have all
the information. So if you remember something,
you saw something, let me know. Hey, Vacation
Whisperer. I guess this is about people and the
stuff that I know. That's got to be you. That's
got to be you. Yes. It's funny because I got
the Instagram account, the food dude, and now
I got a Vacation Whisperer. So anyhow, I'm glad
people believe me. What do you know about Captiva
Island? I'm thinking of booking an Airbnb there.
Rhonda in Maine. Oh, there's our guest cat. Could
you hear her? Okay. Hey, Madre. Okay. Number
one. I don't know what's next. Okay. Watch the
National Weather Service if you go soon. It's
peak hurricane season, and they did get tore
up a few years back. They got flattened, but
everything's built up now again, so you'll be
okay to go. Just watch the weather. Watch the
national weather. Number two. I'd wear an enclosed
shoe while walking on the beach in the morning.
The no -see -ums are horrible. I about scratched
all the skin off my foot. I walked the beach
morning time and was miserable all day. The little
bastards are out at daybreak and they burrow
in your skin and you will rip your hide off to
get it to quit itching. It is horrible. So where...
Oh, they're horrible. And they're in the sand
and they jump on you in the morning. I didn't
know this. I was out there watching the sunrise
walking in the beach. And I guess that's a no
-no. And I found out later, you know, someone
seen me scratching the piss out of my feet. I
had my sandals moped and sandals on. He goes,
let me guess, you walked on the beach this morning?
I'm like, yeah. He goes, yeah, the no -see -ums
will eat you alive in the morning. He said, always
wear an enclosed shoe if you're on the beach
in the morning. Number three, it's the best sunrise
you'll ever witness. I'm not kidding you. Go
to the beach when the sun's coming up. Hey, Madre,
I'm trying to do a podcast here. You hear her
answer me? Madre, yeah, yeah. I got to get you
mic'd up, Madre. Jeez. Where was I? My animals
are quiet right now. She's still bitching. Best
sunrise ever. I'm serious. Wake up. Jesus. Hang
on. I'll be right back. Sorry, Lord. I didn't
mean to say your name. Okay, let's get ready
to let her out. Okay. Val got to her before I
did. All right. Oh, we're giving them our premium
feed. Hey, send us a check. All right. No, hell
no, I'm not going to. I don't cut anything out.
The only time I cut something out is if it screws
up and does something weird. Then I cut it out.
Other than that. Everything stays, no matter
how bad it is. We've been telling everybody we
are ad lib, and that proves it right there. Yes,
yes, sometimes we sound like shit, but we love
it. And like I always say, I haven't gotten a
hate email. You guys are slowing down, especially
Clint. I mean, hate emails go to the front. I
cannot express that enough. If you hate us, please
write us. Tell us how bad we suck. That's because,
Clint, I guess so. I guess so. All right. I kind
of feel jolted. I kind of feel jolted, Rob. I
do. I mean, he doesn't hate me anymore. I don't
know. That kind of hurts me. I am getting ready
to make a trip that way. Just saying. All right.
Clint, do you want him to bring you some Narcan?
It's a one -day -only trip. And a flowery...
A floral dress and some Narcan. Would that suit
you good, Clint? Maybe? All right, number four.
Rent a bicycle. Okay. What? What were you saying?
Go ahead. Okay, number three or four. I don't
know which one I'm on. I think it's number four.
Rent a bicycle and take it all over the island.
It is well worth it because the island is really
not worthy of any other travel unless you have
a golf cart. A golf cart, if you can rent one,
they're usually all rented. I mean, I don't know,
people get there early or whatever and rent them
for a month. I don't know. But it's hard to get
a golf cart on that island. Grab a bicycle. It's
fun. You're on an island. I mean, you can stop
anytime, go to the beach or whatever. But they
have bicycles at all the resorts there. They
all have bicycles that you can jump on and get
around. I don't know if... oh shoot i forgot
the name of the place that was it was torn down
and it's like a giant tent bar right on the beach
and it's a crab place people go there to eat
crab and drink i don't know if that's rebuilt
yet but i can't even think of his name so it
doesn't matter all right next email rob get to
lake freeman quick or you'll miss fuck hammers
tribute to ozzy at the bonfire spot also could
you bring five Marshall amps, 30 extension cords,
a guitar tuner, a real Fender Strat, a real Gibson
Les Paul, any bass guitar, we don't care, you
can't hear it in Fuck Hammer's live music anyhow,
a Kiss Alive poster, a bag of Funyuns, a bag
of Flaming Hot Cheetos, four extra loincloths
for the band, and ten cases of Natty Light. Oh,
almost forgot. 20 grams of pure cocaine without
baby laxative or fentanyl. Mitch, Rob's bestie.
He didn't even go in and eat. Like I said, I
am playing a day trip on the 23rd of that late
in KC. All right. August 23rd. Okay. The rest
you're going to have to help me out on. Okay.
All right. I'm going to have a date with me.
Oh, Mitch. I'm trying to impress her. And I'm
taking Lake Freeman and Mitch and Clint are probably
not going to impress her that much. All right.
And if you do meet up with Mitch, let me know.
Yeah, let me know before, and we will have to
sign up. Yeah, I want to meet Mitch. Let me know
who he is. I will be in the douchebag mobile.
We are bringing the truck. Cool. All right. The
douchebag mobile. Look for it. But it's a drive
up there and back. It's going to be a quick trip.
Okay. All right. Mark and Rob, you guys should
look into Rumble for your video. They offer much
more. Ronnie and Tulsa, the Tulsa King. I've
heard a lot about Rumble. A lot of people really
like them. I know Bubba the Love Sponge is on
them. There's other shows on there, too, of note.
It's all been in development. Look, we're going
at our own pace. We have jobs. We have lives.
So we'll get there. Right, Rob? Yeah, you may
not even need faces with it. But once they get
our faces in, they'll be like, yeah, I'm going
to go back to audio. Yeah, yeah, let's go back
to the recording shit. Yep. The next one is for
you, Rob. Rob, how about a lake event segment
sometime? Tammy and Sunrise Beach. You know any
Tammys in Sunrise Beach? I like the idea. I like
the idea. I, from time to time, bring late news.
So, yeah. I'll start with a really little one.
I will. I think it's awesome. Yeah, that's a
great idea, Tammy. We appreciate that. Alright,
that's... Okay. Okay. All right. That is the
end of the email. So, Rob, you got something
you want to go into? Yeah, I do. All right. Another
one you're going to love. I'm sure. A loudmouth
parrot snitched on his owner by squawking drug
-dealing slang in a video footage found by cops.
Yes, I love it. Ha ha ha ha! Okay. Babble snatch.
Okay. Yeah. Babble snatch. Cops say they also
discovered piles of gas along with heroin, crack
cocaine, and ketamine at home. Other videos are
of review calls between her and Garnett and a
clip of what appeared to be bricks of cocaine
with music with the lyric cocaine. Nice. Mm -hmm.
Wow. Okay. Okay. Wow. Cool. Yeah. Wow. Cool.
That's fucking awesome. Thank you, Rob. Yes,
it is. Yep. All right. Let's take our second
break. Come back and I got a little story here
and then we'll go back to you. Sound good? Alright.
Alright, we'll be right back. Hey, good kid.
No one gives an ounce of shit what you had for
breakfast. Not even the person on the other end.
You look like a mentally slow driv yelling into
thin air all through the store. I pray that Bluetooth
shorts you out and blows up your eardrums. What
men consider self -centered dunce. Monty constantly
coddled this dummy and it fucking shows. Go look
back home and bore your dog. Wait, you probably
forgot the theming because you're too busy looking
in the mirror all day. Fuck off. Two Dishbags
and Microphone is the only podcast available
anywhere with gusto. That's right, I said gusto.
Gusto is a magical ingredient in Schlitz beer
that makes it so damn delicious. So enjoy a little
gusto with your podcast today. When everything
is coming your way, you're in the wrong line.
Hey, everybody, this is Uncle Rob. I'm going
to give you some tips for life. This is Uncle
Rob's rules to dick pics. Rule number one, type
of a pic in someone else's name so if you get
busted, it's not yours. Complementary to your
wings and girth. Rule number four. No propping
of the leg. Absolutely no undercarriage. Very
important. Have you ever wondered what something
is or not? Have you ever looked at something
and said, hmm, I wonder what the origin of that
is? Well, so have we. That's why we give you
The Origin Of. The origin of the goatee. The
goatee is a beard style that dates back to ancient
Greece and Rome and is named for its resemblance
to a goat's beard. The goatee has been worn by
many famous men throughout history, including
Uncle Sam, Henry M. Hoyt, and Mr. Spock. The
gobham was often depicted with a goatee, and
in medieval and Renaissance art, Satan was depicted
with a goatee as well. The goatee became popular
again in the 1940s as a defining trait of the
beatniks. and jazz musicians. It fell out of
favor again in the 1960s, but became fashionable
again in the 1990s and 2000s. The term goatee
originated in the late 20th century. It was originally
called a goatee. Ms. Gulkenstein was tired of
Mark and Toe for making sport of her. Little
did the douchebags know Ms. Gulkenstein was a
voodoo high priestess when she was younger. She
grew angry and cast a spell on Rob, changing
Rob into a capuchin monkey. Mark took Rob to
a local zoo so he could be with the other monkeys.
Here are the adventures of Rob, the capuchin
monkey. Shh, be very quiet. We're going to listen
in as Rob, the capuchin monkey, tries to sell
the rest of the capuchin monkeys Amway. Rob has
always dreamed of becoming a diamond status Amway
as a capuchin monkey. Little did our hero Rob
know. All the great apes owned stock in Sam's
Club and became violently pissed off when he
tried to infringe on their territory. They promptly
grabbed switches and beat his ass for three days
straight. Rob could not sit down. Two douchebags,
a microphone. I'm Mark here in the Kansas City
area at the Talk is Cheap studio. And I am Rob
at the beautiful, humble arm of Leslie Ozarks
in the blind studio. I forgot mine. I had to
come back with it. All right. All right. Oh,
okay. All right. Okay, that'll work. There, you
got an extra one in. Oil bearings. It has been.
Yeah, it feels good. Yeah, yeah. All right, I'll
probably do that later. Piss Val off. Just keep
doing it. Yeah, yep, yep. And also probably piss
Val off just whenever she's like, hey, what do
you want to watch? Hey, did you go by the bank
today like you're supposed to? About that time,
you know. Probably get a little tired of it.
Alright. Yep. It's just like my chicken cluck
I used to do. Someone would ask me something
serious and I just cluck like a chicken. And
they get mad. Anyhow, alright. Oil Baron CEO
claims he was subject of sham swinger rumors
so rival could steal his job lawsuit. What a
crude awakening. Haha, get it, oil. The co -founder
and CEO of a wealthy Colorado -based energy firm
accused an inner -city company rival of spreading
sham rumors that him and his wife were swingers
at a local country club to steal his job, according
to a lawsuit. of Sentinel Peak Resources in Denver
was axed by his company in May after being sent
a memo that he had allegedly exhibited unacceptable
behavior in the workplace according to the lawsuit
obtained by Business Den. Okay, here's what I
don't get about this whole thing here. All right,
he was something in the workplace. What's that
got to do with the rumors? You see what I'm saying?
He says that this guy started these rumors to
get him fired, right? Well, what they said was
he exhibited unacceptable behavior in the workplace.
There's something missing here that they're not
telling us. Do you get what I'm saying here?
Yeah, but I mean, I don't think a place would
fire you just because you are. And I don't think
they could legally, you know. I mean, they could
make up something else, yeah. Unless he did something
on the job. That's what I'm saying here. I don't
know this for sure, but it kind of sounds fishy.
Deginsky, I think, was placed on leave, but his
company board allegedly refused to tell him what
it was he was being accused of. After an anonymous
investigation and a probe, he was fired by the
three other members of the company's board, the
lawsuit filed last Monday claimed. The former
oil baron said the decision to fire him started
from rumors over his sexual proclivities spread
by jealous co -founder George Chiotti, who took
over his job as CEO when he was ousted, court
records stated. Deginsky, what a weird name,
had several revealing conversations at the Gilmore
Country Club in Cherry Hills Village where he
learned that Chiotti spread rumors that he and
his wife were swingers and had sexual relationships
with others outside their marriage, the filing
claimed. Someone doing that? Yeah, I could believe
that. Someone would do that to gain their own,
you know, to get gain from it. But I still don't
understand. The workplace deal. That would be
slander. Yeah. That would be defamation of character.
That would be a lot of things. Yeah. Yeah. But
the thing is, is I want to know that about the
workplace. Wouldn't they have had it done something
at the work and it sounded like they investigated
it? Yes. Well, maybe. Maybe the secretary. Who
knows? Okay. And then that combined with the
rumors. Yes. Well, then maybe part... Yeah, that's
what I'm saying. Yeah, I don't understand the
lawsuit quite then. Because rumors are rumors.
I don't think a place will get rid of you because
there's rumors about you being a swinger. I think,
I mean, there's a lot of that going on. Anyhow,
they'd be firing... Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
Interesting. It doesn't give any more... information
that but I'd like to know more information about
it because I don't know it just doesn't sound
right on the surface does it yeah yeah I just
don't think a company would do that because of
rumors it said unacceptable behavior at a workplace
so what did he do allegedly at the workplace
is what I'd like to know but the article didn't
say anything so all right Rob we turn to you
Okay. What do you think of that? I'm in. I'm
in. It's looking to buy two of them to use for
munitions testing as they will likely soon start
appearing on the battlefield for documents posted
by the U .S. government contracting website on
Wednesday. The pickups are part of a larger order
of 33 vehicles for live missile fire testing.
The White Sands Missile Radio in Mexico. The
contract, huh? Okay. Is this Tesla? Or is this
a different company, does it say? No, they're
buying... No, it's the Tesla Cybertrucks. Huh,
and Trump's supposed to be at odds with them?
Yeah. Okay. Go ahead, Rob. Okay. The contract
stipulates that the cyber trucks need only be
towable, not functional, and their batteries
must be removed. Oh, come on, that takes out
a lot. Yeah, you want to see the battery explode?
Yeah, you want to see what it does when people
inside it leave the batteries in it? Yeah. Hmm.
Okay. sent to the front lines in Ukraine. Kateroff
later accused Tesla of remotely disabling the
would -be war machine calling Musk not manly.
Must have predicted Tesla would eventually sell
over 250 ,000 a year in 2023, but the automakers
sold only 10 ,700 so far this year for auto industry,
consultancy, Cox Automotive. And so our military's
smart enough to go ahead and figure out a way
to blow them up. Yes. I love it. That's a great
story. I love it. I do, too. That is Trump and
us. Awesome. Thank you, Rob. Sorry to get political
there. No, you didn't get too political. I mean,
honestly. Yeah, yeah, you know. Well, my next
story is anything but political, okay? It's Chuck
E. Cheese again. Remember I told you there's
a couple of stories? All right. Chuck E. Cheese
is in a hotbed of weird behavior these days.
This week's installment involves a brawl that
took place on July 26 at a location, again, in
Mobile, Alabama. I want to go to that Chuck E.
Cheese there. How much shit's going to happen?
Credit card stealing brawls. And there's another
story that I haven't printed out about a Chuck
E. Cheese mascot again. So I don't know. Is it
the people they hire? WKRG -TV reported that
witnesses said about 20 people were fighting
because a teenage boy got upset about something.
They started fighting as I was walking by, said
a girl who was hit in the face. And then they
punched me on accident. The Mobile Police Department
is investigating by watching surveillance video
and reaching out to those involved. Public Information
Officer Roderick Miles. What a name, Roderick.
How would you like to be named Roderick? Hey,
Roderick. How about Ranger Rick? Ranger Rick
would be cool, but not Roderick. Advise that
people in such circumstances. trying to do something
that's going to result in better decisions and
fighting at a freaking Chuck E. Cheese. I think
I could agree with that. What do you think, Rob?
To be honest, back in the 90s, I've seen a couple
of good fights at Chuck E. Cheese. Did you really?
Yeah. I saw a good fight at Showbiz. That was
before Chuck E. Cheese. That would have been
cooler than hell. It was like a bare knuckle
fight. Between two moms? Okay, okay. Were they
hot? Were they hot? Yeah. All of them walked
away bleeding. Too bad there was not video back
then that you could carry around. No shit. No
shit. I would have had it. Oh, hell yeah. Were
there any clothes ripping? I don't think so.
You would have remembered if there was clothes
ripping and they were hot and they were fighting
and bleeding. You would have remembered. I know
there was hair flying. Oh, man. Gosh. Too bad
there wasn't video phones then. That's what I'm
saying, dude. Man. That sounds like a hell of
a... Man, I'd just be like, man, I hope this
fight goes on for a long time. This is awesome.
That was back in the early 90s. Oh, wow. Yeah,
yeah, you know, I mean, they were all pissed
off anyhow. Grunge was big, you know, everyone's
going around moping. Yeah, why not fight? Yeah,
I think both of them went away in that curse.
Even better. Yeah. All right, Rob, we turn to
you unless you're too tired. It's 9 -12. Yeah,
I got another one here. All righty. I'm going
to become a movie critic here. Why not? War of
the Worlds so far has a 0 % rating on the tomato
beer scale. Dude, that's bad. That is horrible,
yeah. Well, thousands of moviegoers have given
it a 14 % rating on the popcorn beer. That's
not good either. Oh, fuck that. Interesting.
Yeah. In adaption to H .G. Wells' classic, 1898
novel, The War of the Worlds, this version is
an Amazon Prime production. Hence the Amazon
commercials. They should have never tried to
tackle War of the Worlds. Come on now. Yeah.
Okay. Any relation? Yeah, I was going to say,
I might get nervous. All right. A surveillance
expert at the Department of Homeland Security
and most of the movie takes place on his computer
screen as he deals with a hacker and an alien
invasion. That's right. Yeah, that's a good point.
Sounds to me like they're making excuses. Go
ahead, what? If it has a zero rating on Rotten
Tomatoes, I don't know if it'd even be worth
watching to find that answer out. I don't think
it would be. It's just like Happy Gilmore, I
guess, is just okay. And I've had enough people
tell me that. I've heard that. Yeah, so I'm not
in any hurry to watch that. This, I can believe,
is horrible. I mean, just the sound of it sounds
horrible. You take a classic like that, and then
you redo it, and you make it ho -hum like that,
you get what you get. I'm sorry. I mean, yeah,
it sucks. I'm sure it sucks. Yeah, yeah. Yeah,
you're talking about a movie that changed the
world. Yeah, yeah, something like that. People
went nuts. They believed it. Yeah. Yes, which
I always still to this day. I prefer radio to
video any day. My imagination is so much better
than what anyone could come up with. I've known
this for so long. I would rather listen to something
that's audio. then watch video. That's just the
way I'm geared. Everyone else, well, you're like
that too, aren't you? You like audio and not,
yeah. Yeah, in the mornings when I'm getting
ready for work, I got my earpod and listen to
music. I listen to music pretty much all the
time. Yeah, me. I just watch the news. That's
about it. Other than that, I mean, when I'm not
doing new skits and bits that I'm, you know,
have some new brainstorm or whatever that I want
to try to get across, you know, and all that.
I listen to a lot of talk shows that are radio
only. I always have. I've always enjoyed them.
It's just like all these stations that carried
whoever, you know, you know, Bubba, Mancow, all
those guys. Okay. I would. I'd rather listen
to them, and when music came on, I shut it off.
I listened to my own music. So, yeah, that's
the way I've always been. So, anyhow, I mean,
I know everyone's not like that, but, you know,
I get it. What I'm saying is I get it. Well,
time for shout -outs. Shout -out to Grandma Opal.
Yeah, I haven't heard anything, so I guess that's
good news. I have not forgot you guys. I have
not forgot you guys. I watched some really good
bare knuckle boxing in Albuquerque. I think it
was a few years ago. They were in Albuquerque.
There were some bad dudes down there. And there
was. Albuquerque when we were when we were going
to Albuquerque to go to Colorado we met a guy
that lived there and he said don't ever leave
your U -Haul alone always have someone in it
he said people run up there grab it and take
off Oh, geez. Oh, my gosh. You're not kidding.
Oh, my God. Yeah, you know, Denver thinks they
got it going on with their chilies. No, no, no.
Albuquerque's ten times better. I think I told
you. Oh, go ahead. I was going down there at
like $89 .90. You could walk into a Burger King,
and for 25 cents, you could get a side dish of
green chilies to put on your burger. Oh, nice.
Okay. Yeah. We went to this Mexican place when
we're headed up to Colorado. We're going to Grand
Junction. My nephew was getting married, and
Grand Junction is down there in the corner over
there kind of near New Mexico, kind of near Utah,
11 miles from Utah. So we go to this Mexican
place that was traditional, authentic, and go
in there. And they serviced our dinner, and mine
was hot. And I knew it was hot, but I didn't
know it was going to be that hot. I seen all
of them looking out at the counter, looking at
Gringo over there, sweating. Oh, they had fun
with me, let me tell you. And when I asked for
another ice water, it took them a while to get
it to me. They're back there watching. Look at
Whitey over there. Look at that fucker. Look
at him. Anyhow, I know they had a little fun
with me and it took me about three hours to get
that hot out of my mouth. But as hot as it was
and as bad as it hurt, it was fantastic food.
I'd go there again and burn my mouth. Well, no,
not with GERD like it is. But if I didn't have
GERD, I'd go there again and burn my mouth out
just for the taste. That's how good it was. Well,
authentic Mexican is not spicy. No, I know. I
know. no i know i know after i ordered it i looked
back there and i seen them all appear and i'm
like oh i messed up i messed up ordering anything
spicy at all oh yeah yeah i was in there like
oh yeah fucking bring it to me i don't care hell
yeah man fuck hell i used to fucking No, no,
no, it's true. Yeah, I used to gargle Drano to
fucking work up for this. You guys bring that
shit out here. Come on, come on, man. Come on,
punk. Bring the hottest you got. And they're
like, sure, no problem, Gringo. Be right there.
Yeah, that last ice water took them about 30
minutes to get, bastards. Yeah, so anyhow. All
right, I guess that's about it, right? All righty,
everybody, thank you for listening, and have
a good night, assholes. Good night, assholes.
Oh, no. Looks like the show's over, kids. Mark
has explosive diarrhea and can't afford a wireless
mic. Fear not, assholes. They'll be back invading
your ear holes soon.