Hey, you fucking derelicts. It's time for the
Daily Douchebag Pledge. I, Joe or Jane Listener,
hereby promise to download the show. I, Joe or
Jane Listener. Hereby promise to grab other people's
phones, unattended computers, public computers,
and all of my work computers as well, and download
the show from there. I, Joe or Jane Listener,
hereby promise to make other people listen. I,
Joe or Jane Listener. will hereby lie to everyone
about how quality the show is. I, Joe or Jane
Listener, promise to make all my family members
listen and recite the daily douchebag pledge.
And finally, I, Joe or Jane Listener, hereby
promise to make the trek to Knobloch, Missouri,
just to have a selfie with the Knobloch sign.
Here at Two Douchebags and a Microphone, we don't
stand behind our journalistic integrity. Go ahead
and assume we got the story wrong. At least we
admit it. Not like all those other guys. We can
and will lie if it makes the story better. Two
douchebags and a microphone. Hello, this is Phineas
J. Altaris III. I'm here to deliver your music
news this evening. And now to another lead singer
of Black Sabbath, Ronnie James Dio. The Unholy
Scriptures, the complete unofficial chronicle
of Ronnie James Dio's solo canon by Martin Popoff,
which is set to be released on August 28, 2025
by Schiffer Publishing. The book is described
as electrifying deep dive into the history of
the band Dio, exploring their iconic tracks,
creative journey and enduring legacy based on
decades of interviews and antidotes. It is important
to note that this is described as an unofficial
chronicle, which distinguishes it from the authorized
biography of Rainbow in the Dark. This is Phineas
J. Baltar S. III. That has been your music news
for this evening. I have one burning question
for you all. Do people really skip around the
Maypole? Oh shit, what's that over there? Oh
no. It's Island of Horrible Jokes. I put a wooden
shoe in my toilet. I guess it was clogged. Sometimes
Mark appears to be in deep thoughts. Usually
he is contemplating whether to squeeze a toot
out or save it up for a better place. But I digress.
Sometimes he does occasionally have a deep thought.
Now we look in on his brilliance. What if I learned
telepathy? And then I tried to talk to random
people. How would I know if they're ignoring
me? I guess some questions are greater than mankind.
Your mama's so fat, she makes Godzilla look like
an etching figure. So you want proof that we
love you here at Q -Douche Bates and Microphone
Central? Here's a proof right here. How about
the drink of the week? Hey, my little bacon bits.
Didn't you need to get to Smashville pronto?
Did your friends start without you? We have your
solution. Adios, motherfuckers. Adios, motherfuckers
is one stiff drink. It should be used with caution.
One half ounce of vodka. One half ounce of rum.
One half ounce of tequila. One half ounce of
gin. One half ounce of blue curacao. Two ounces
of sweet and sour mix. Sprite or 7 -Up. Use a
lemon wedge as a garnish and put in a highball
glass. Bam. There you go. Two douchebags and
a microphone. I'm Mark here in the Kansas City
area at the Talk Is Cheap studio. And I am Rob
at the beautiful nine -angle arm of Lake of the
Ozarks in the Duck Blind studio. All right, cool.
Thank you, Rob. You got the point across. Everyone
knows. Everyone knows you did the duck call,
so that's all that counts. Well, I already podcast
for like four and a half hours today because
we had a little mishap, and it quit recording,
so we had to repeat half of it. Oh, it sucked.
We had to go over everything we did again, and
we didn't notice it. The podcast, me and Topher
didn't notice at the city market that it had
stopped. I mean, it was light outside. It's kind
of hard to see. So, it kind of sucks. So, it's
been like four and a half hours of podcasting.
So, like, you know, I'm going on my fifth hour
here. So, I hear you about, like, you know, voice
cracking and all that. Because mine will start
cracking here before too much longer, I'm pretty
sure. Oh, yeah. That's because I've smoked too
many cigarettes this week. I ain't been working.
Oh, yeah. Well, whenever you work, you can't
smoke that much, so, okay. Yeah, I get it. Yeah,
you got me. All right. There was a new world
record, and Kansas City has a big part in it.
Did you hear anything about that, Rob? Probably
not. You've been gone. What? It's a world record,
and Kansas City, it's a new world record, and
Kansas City has a big part in it. Yes. I heard
about that. Okay. I'm sorry. The volume is a
little low. To me, to everybody else, it's fine.
To me, it's low. That's up to you. Actually,
it does help. It helps hearing you. When I can't
see you, I can hear you. Yeah, you're talking
about we did something a little bit different
so you can hear it better. I had to move the
mic a little bit so it's going to make a little
bit of noise. But, yeah, we're going to work
on it. We're going to figure it out. The new
Bluetooth for some reason. One thing or another.
So Kansas City was. Okay. Kansas City was a part
of this 515 -mile -long lightning bolt that stretched
from Kansas City to around Dallas. Yes. Yes.
Amazing. Yes. Amazing. Yeah. Yeah. Pretty good.
So, you know, there you go. Information that
could save your life, but probably not. I mean,
somehow it could, right? Maybe. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
You never know. So I was... I was trashed over.
Yeah, yeah, it went down. Isn't that something
to think of that? I mean, in the clouds, it just
like, it flashed all the way down to there. That
was a huge storm system, you know, that went
up here, down there. I mean, there's, you know,
it was a massive cold front and one lightning
bolt, 515 miles across the sky. That's something
else. So I was texting a co -worker and we had
a series of texts, right? I ended my part with
fuck off, right? And then after a big space,
I put not really in parentheses, right? Just
joking around, right? A minute later, I get a
call. It's my coworker asking me what the fuck.
I didn't look to see at the text well enough,
but the T on the not really didn't come out.
So it said, fuck off, no really. Instead of not
really. And I'm like, what the hell? What are
you pissed off about? Did I piss you off? I'm
like, no. I said not really. And he goes, you
better look at your texts again. I'm like, oh,
shit. So, yeah. Anyhow. I've been texting somebody
since Sunday night. Oh, father, it's been a week
now. That's cool. Sunday to Sunday. Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, gosh. It will every time. It will every time.
And then sometimes you mean something non -sarcastic,
but it certainly looks like it when you read
it. It sounds like, oh, yeah, but really you're
going, oh, yeah, okay. Okay. Okay. Well, here's
what I've got to do. Okay. At LOL. And then he'll
pop up emojis and you can have the smiling face
or the crying face. That's what I've been doing.
And she seems to understand. Which we have the
same sense of humor. That's good. That really
helps. I have not informed everybody yet other
than you. We'll find out later. All right, cool.
There is somebody that I'm talking to, by the
way. There we go. There is the scoop. Okay. So
how about another Ozzy story? Why not, right?
We're on a roll with him, right? We love the
guy, and he's no longer with us. I was listening
to him a while ago. So was I. I just got out
my Patient No. 9 CD, and I realized now, just
now, that there's a huge poster on the inside
of it because I'm like, man, this thing's a little
thick. I never, yeah, I never bothered to look
in there. You know, I just got it, but everything
was downloaded on the computer and in my Jeep.
So I wasn't worried about the actual physical
copy, right? But I always buy the physical copy
to have it because it's just my thing. A lot
of people, you know, do that. They want the physical
copy, not just the downloads. And I was like,
you know, what the hell is, why is this so thick?
And on the inlay on the middle, there's a slit
there and there's a poster inside it. And I'm
like, oh, wow. So it's pretty cool. So I'm going
to be hanging it up somewhere here in the Talk
is Cheap studio. It just baffled me because that
thing came out three years ago. I had no idea
that poster was in there. So, but I'm going to
go on to the Aussie story. You know, the day
of and the day after Ozzy's death, musicians
played the songs over one million times. I'm
not sure how they figured that up, but that is
an actual statistic. I'm not sure how they figured
that up. But I have a feeling it's probably more
than a million. Topher and I covered... Topher
and I covered the Aussie deal today, of course,
on the Music Creeps. And it'll be released probably
Thursday because this will be released tomorrow.
I released the Sports Bastards a few minutes
ago. So, okay. Christopher agrees with us. Aussie
is bigger than the Beatles. And not even, it's
not close is what we're saying. Yeah, so, and
he told me about Alice Cooper doing that salute,
but there's a part of it, he had Johnny Depp
come out, and when he was leaving, instead of
people screaming Alice, he had them screaming
Ozzy, Ozzy, Ozzy as he left the stage. That's
classy. That's very classy. You know, he wasn't
worried about his ego. He's like, you know what,
today is that man's day. And I'm giving it up
to him. So that was really cool of Alice Cooper.
And like I talked to Topher about on the creeps,
I said, you know, the two guys that made it the
longest and did the best and, you know, and did
so well and everybody loves them are the two
guys without egos. And that's Alice Cooper and
Ozzy Osbourne. Neither one of them had egos.
And I don't think it's any coincidence that they
lasted so long. You know? Okay. Okay. You had
Ozzy that lasted to 76. Mm -hmm. You had Hulk
Hogan that made it to 71. It was all his vitamins.
Working out every day, yeah. Yeah. Great Facebook,
man. It just said. Yeah, it said choose wisely.
That's what it looks like to me. Yeah, yeah.
You know what? I agree with that. But I'm still
living. I'm doing great. I'm in great health.
Good. You know, so... You know, yeah. There is
so much to be thankful for that, like, a lot
of people miss that I feel like they could get
it, they could catch it really easily, but they
have to stop. They have to slow down. They have
to look around. They have to admire the beauty
that's there that they've never probably noticed
before. That's what I'm... Yeah, it's an amazing
thing once you come to that self -peace. That
it's like, you know, I do things my way now.
And that's it. And I don't care. That's what
I'm coming into. That's what's making me a better
person. It always does. It's like a progression
of people in general. I think it's where you
go through so many things and you finally realize,
because life kicks you in the ass so much, that
like... I'm not doing this rat race anymore.
I'm going to do what I want to do because this
rat race has got me nothing. And you've heard
my story more than everybody else on here has.
Yes, I know. I know. Yeah. I'm doing great. I'm
doing great. Yeah. Yep. And it's fantastic. And
it goes to show you that, you know, you'll be
taken care of. You know, I choose God, but other
people might call it something else, whatever.
You know, I'm not going to argue with anybody
about religion, whatever. You believe whatever.
If you think of stuffed dolls, whatever. So,
okay. A higher power. A higher power, yes. And
I do believe my feelings are is let go and let
God is one of the best sayings ever. Because
it's like, give it to God. So much stronger.
So much stronger. So much better. So much, you
know, unimaginable how much more of, you know.
of everything that that is you know we're just
mere you know a human just a human you give it
to him you give it to the powerfulest entity
ever you know and say here well if you think
about how much we've stressed on stuff yes and
then we said okay yeah let's give it to god yeah
thanks guys so much hey that's how I got out
of my old job. I was miserable at, you know,
I'd done it for so many years and I loved it
for so many years, but it came to a point where
they were trying to, in my opinion, they were
trying to run me out and they pretty much did.
And it's fine because I landed better and I'm
happy and I love where I'm at. And I probably,
I couldn't do that type of work right now. Anyhow,
if I wanted to, I'm too beat up from working
like that my whole life, you know? yes we're
just talking about that before the podcast yeah
um there comes a point in your life where me
i you know i was going to work one day and i
go i fucking hate this now i fucking hate it
so i was like you know i know what to do i said
you know god if i'm supposed to be here keep
me here but if not put me where i'm supposed
to be It wasn't that much longer, and I was not
there anymore. And I can't say it was all them
either. It was a lot of me. Look, I make fun
of them. I don't ever say their name or nothing,
so they're not going to be like, oh, they're
fucking, you know, or anything like that. They
know who they are, and I know who they are, and
that's all that counts. But I had a lot to do
with it too, to be quite honest. I wasn't working.
That's my mom. That's my mom. They got to Ozzy,
and they asked him who he liked listening to,
and he said ABBA. No other rock star would dare
say that. It would ruin their image. ABBA. He
liked ABBA. I heard him say that himself. And
I was like, right on, you know? And that's so
true. He was so genuine. He's like... I don't
give a shit. I like ABBA. So, you know, you don't
have to like them. I like them. Everyone else
was worried about saying something like that.
You know, you might go home and listen to Lawrence
Welk. Google it if you're younger. Okay. But
they wouldn't say it because of their rock and
roll image. But Ozzy didn't care. He's like,
oh, I like ABBA. Yeah, they're pretty good. And
he knew it wouldn't mean anything as Ozzy. You
know, it was so genuine he wouldn't even lie
about something like that. He's just like, yeah,
here I am. You know, he was always transparent
about everything. You know, yeah, I got really
fucked up and, you know, I tried to kill my wife.
You know, the voices told him to do it or something.
You know, there's a lot of stuff that happened
that could have been very embarrassing, but he
accepted it. You know, hey, you know, I did it.
It was my fault. The transparency really helped
him too. Gene also mentioned that all of the
other rockers sing. with her gruff voice to sound
heavier, where Ozzy just sang like himself, and
it was perfect. He was a very melodic singer,
and I agree with that. You know, Ozzy didn't
have to put on a different voice, okay? Let's
compare him to Dio, okay? They both sang with
Sabbath. Dio replaced Ozzy when they kicked him
out. Dio had a voice that he had to have a lot
of umph and gruff to, to sing. He had a certain
way of he had to do it. Ozzy just came out there
and sang just like how he did. And it was great.
And people loved it. And people responded to
it very well. So Gene Simmons, those were really
good remarks. And really true. Very true remarks
that he did. And I really appreciated the article
that I read. You can look it up. You can read
Gene Simmons' comments on Ozzy Osbourne or something
like that. It's brand new. It came out, I think
it might have been Guitar World. Something like
that. So, it's a really good article. It goes
way into much more in -depth than I'm going to
because it would take too long. But that's the
part that I wanted to bring to you. So, you got
anything to add to that, Rob? No, not really.
Okay. You think Gene made some great points?
Yes, I do. I do. I think he makes awesome points.
Yeah, he really does. And I like the clarity
that he provided with it. You know, he didn't
just go, oh, you know, he's a great guy. He gave
great examples like ABBA and how other, you know,
he even said himself, he goes, you know, I have
to sing with Gruff. He goes, I can't sing with
my regular voice. It just doesn't work. He said,
I got to get up there and go, you know, where
he said Ozzy never did that. He just came out
with his own voice and it worked. So, I move
on. I know we've talked about Ozzy a hell of
a lot, you know, and there might be some people
that aren't so much into him, and you're like,
oh, here they go again. So, all right. So, for
some reason... We're Ozzy fans. That's what we
do. Yeah, I kind of think of it like this. Sorry.
Every show that I've ever listened to had something
I didn't care for, but I weathered it because
I liked the show. So, it's no different here.
All right. That's all Ozzy does. Yeah. Yep, so
I think that most people understand, and I think
most people probably had some sort of fondness
towards them. It sure seems like it. Okay, for
some reason, my front yard camera on the rail
of the porch keeps thinking a squirrel is a vehicle.
I know, I'm like, what? It's probably different
squirrels. I don't know. But anyhow, so I'm at
work and he gives me an alert about a vehicle
observed. And I'm thinking, what the hell is
a car doing in my front yard? So I get to looking
at it and I'm like, that's a fucking squirrel.
That is not a car. I don't know how to get it
to stop. No, it's funnier than hell, actually.
I don't know how to get it to stop thinking that.
the squirrel's a vehicle. Because I keep getting
these alerts, vehicle in your front yard, and
I'm like, no, it's a squirrel. One of these days,
someone's going to run in my front yard and run
into a tree, and I'm going to go, oh, it's a
squirrel. And it's really going to happen. Yeah,
how do you get this camera to know the difference
between a squirrel and a car? So I'm like, what
the hell? Anyhow, so have you been having cold
nights there, like really chilly nights? We had
59 degrees one night. Yeah, we've been getting
a little chilly. But we're heating up tomorrow,
or day after tomorrow, Tuesday, we're heating
up. Okay, okay. Yeah, it's been chilly. Yeah,
yeah. So it went from 107. heat index one day
and this is a 515 volt mile light lightning that
it was a part of this storm system so it did
it went from 107 heat index and a lot of places
read 110 but the official i think was 107 at
kci um but it was like 110 or greater in downtown
and some other surrounding areas i think at least
somebody had 112 for whatever reason um so We
went from that to 59 degrees. Oh, damn. Yeah,
59 degrees that night. You'd be colder than us.
Yeah. You'd be colder than us. Yeah, you guys
have been mid -60s, I think. We were down to
59. And it's just, I mean, it's just, it's like,
I just suddenly realized, we got about a month
and a half of summer left at best. I'm not ready.
I'm trying to fix your heater. I'm not ready
for winter. I am not ready for winter. You know,
instead of wearing shorts to bed, I got to fucking
wear like pajamas now. But it's going to warm
up again. So, you know, check with me next week.
I'll probably be damning the weather, you know,
on the other way going, it's too damn hot. So,
I want to go into a couple of stories here real
quick. I think you'll really appreciate this,
Rob. Now listen to it, okay? Because we know
some of the gags we used to play, right? You
know, like we used to piss and, you know, pop
cans and have people drink them accidentally
and all that good stuff. Several victims reported
on July 19th that they had been subject to an
involuntary golden shower at the landing in St.
Petersburg, Florida. Yeah, just involuntary golden
shower. The smoking gun reported that 30 -year
-old Matthew Day entered the rooftop bar and
urinated from the balcony onto the sidewalk,
according to police, with a urine striking people
on the ground. Security officers saw the incident
and showed Day the door. He was charged with
disorderly conduct and released on $500 bond.
See, Rob, we're way ahead of our time. We used
to hide piss in Coke cans, piss on people when
they're drunk. You know, we were the forefathers
of pee, Rob. Yeah. Yeah, I'm proud of us. That's
how they learned it was through us. We are the
renegades of piss. That's what we are. Yes, yes.
I'm very proud. What about you? Well, which we
learned it from Ozzie, who pissed on the Alamo,
so. Yeah, and he also pissed on the ground. Keep
doing it. I'm sure it's pissing someone off.
Yes. Neil Hopper. Oh, by the way, we are the,
we are the favorite podcast of the afterlife.
So I'm pretty sure Ozzy's listening to us right
now. So Neil Hopper, 49, a vascular surgeon from
Trujo. I think that's how it's pronounced. It's
a very weird spelling. Odd. England has been
the subject of a two and a half year investigation
after he allegedly tried to defund two insurance
companies. The Guardian reported on July 23rd.
Devon and Cornell police said that in 2019, he
made a false representation to insurers, namely
the injuries to his legs that were a result of
sepsis and were not self -inflicted. Hopper's
accused of, instead of having sepsis and saying
that he got this somehow else, he's accused of
amputating his own legs in a scheme hoping to
gain $320 ,000 from one insurance company and
$314 ,000 from the other insurance company. Before
his legal problems, he was shortlisted in the
European Space Agency search for an astronaut
with a disability. He was scheduled to reappear
in court on August 26th. He amputated his own
legs to try to get roughly $600 ,000 in change.
And he was a doctor. Okay. You got anything you
want to add to that? I don't know what to say.
No. I don't know what you can add to that. Other
than dumbass? That's all we could add. Is it?
And there's so many different parts of it that
I saw. There was just the scenes from it, the
trailer. Which I read Liam Neeson was playing
his part. Yeah, which is surprising, but I guess
he does really good in it. That's what I hear.
Yeah, I'm reading it, so I'm going to watch it.
Yeah, I'm going to watch it too. I heard Caddyshack
2 is fair from a lot of people that I trust.
And it's on Netflix, so you can go watch it right
now. I'm waiting because, to me, if it's just
fair, I'll get to it when I get to it, you know.
Yeah. So, anyhow. Yeah, I'm going to watch it,
but I'm in no hurry because I've already been
forewarned. However, Travis Kelsey's part in
it is hilarious. according to everyone that said
the movie was so -so. So I will watch it, if
nothing else, for that. The South Florida Water
Management District is working with the University
of Florida to develop a new strategy for managing
invasive pythons in the Everglades. WFLA -TV
reported on July 23rd, solar -powered toy bunnies
that emit heat and are equipped with cameras.
and they're alerting staff to python activity,
which sends them out to capture and euthanize
the snakes. Isn't that something? Robot snakes,
or no, robot rabbits that produce heat are getting
pythons to follow them for food. And then they're
not food, and then they come up and they kill
them because the pythons are such an invasive
species, they have no choice. The python is going
to destroy the Everglades if they don't do something
about it. And then also they already tore down
a bunch of the Everglades for sugar cane fields
and other things like that too. Speaking of sugar
cane fields, Coca -Cola in fall is coming out
with their sugar cane version. So you can get
the corn syrup if you want, or you can get the
real cane sugar version of Coca -Cola coming
in fall sometime this year. So I have more, but
you know what? We're already... 27 minutes steep,
so let's go to you, Rob. All right. I got a new
Branson attraction for you, Mark. Okay. All right.
If you notice, I'm laughing. Yes. Branson's Nightlife
scene just got surprising. Just got a surprising
new addition with the opening of Silver Seduction.
Okay. Okay. Okay. The city's first strip club
featuring performers age 70 and up. Oh. See what
I'm laughing at. Silver seduction. I get it now.
Private lab dancers. They're going to break hips.
They're going to break their fucking hips. That
would be, okay, I think that's going to do well
for a while because that's such a novelty. Anyone
going to Branson is going to drop by there just
to go there and say they've been there. I want
to go. I want to go. I want to see this. I want
to see this. Because I'm weird like that. Because
I'm weird like that. No, me too. Yeah, I don't
know about getting a lap dance, but I definitely
want to go see this and go, oh my gosh, this
is nuts. Is it open already or does it say when
it opens? Wow. This is real. Silver seduction.
This is real. Hang on. Oh, man. Hold the fucking
phone. Hold the phone. Hang on. Hang on. Oh,
shit. Why did it do that? Okay. Just for a fun
night, I'm going to France. Oh, my gosh. Silver
seduction, right? Oh, my gosh. Oh my gosh. It
is real. It is real. Yes. Oh my gosh. Okay. Okay.
How do we start to show up like that? I say we
go to it. I say we do a podcast from there. Let's
do it. Yep. Yep. It's like anything, you know,
a chef has to try his own meals outright. So
I think we're going to have to go there and get
a lap dance and report back how good it was.
No, no, no, no. If we go down over the podcast,
I guarantee you I end up with three or four dates.
I'd be like, and right now Rob is busy. He's
getting the rub down from a 78 -year -old in
great health. Yes, yes. And they will love that,
too. Oh, my gosh. Look it up, people. Silver
Seduction. I didn't have to put in Branson because
I go to Branson webpages all the time. Yeah,
Branson, Missouri. Yeah. Because there are some
other Silver Seduction pages that are selling,
like, bracelets and stuff you want to. You want
to go Branson Area Breaking News, the Senior
Citizen Strip Club. Wow. I want to go so bad.
Pretty freaking cool. All right. Okay. Let's
go to break. All right. Do you want to take our
first break and come back with some? Yeah, let's
go to break. Okay, and we have some emails. So,
we'll be right back. Good deal. Good deal. And
now we look in on the adventures of the technical
explanation guy. Oh, my. Would you look at the
rightly scattering? It sure is brilliant tonight.
First off, you're on private property. Second,
you're in my flower garden. Third. If you're
talking about the sunset, yes, it is stunning.
And finally, would you get the hell off my property,
you annoying fucking bastard? Two douchebags,
a microphone, and an effort to keep everything
fresh. We offer you first world problems. Man,
my internet is so slow. This is bullshit. How
am I supposed to browse or get on TikTok with
slow internet? I'm so pissed off right now. I
don't know what to do. Hey, my fellow heavy breeders,
this is Dash Riptide, your music news. Graham
Bonnet Band is currently working on their fourth
album. Graham said it's very possible Bruce Dickinson
might guest on a song or two on his new album.
Bruce is a big fan of Graham's ever since his
days in Rainbow. Two fantastic lead singers in
one song kind of reminds me of Deep Purple's
Mark III lineup with Glenn Hughes and David Coverdale.
This should be pretty damn good. We will see.
This is Gash Riptine, and that was your music
news. If it's too loud, you probably have ear
damage, just like me. Have you ever wondered
what something came about? Have you ever looked
at something and said, Hey, I wonder what the
origin of that is? Well, so have we. That's why
we give you... The origin of... The origin of
knee -high soft drinks. Claude Hatcher overheard
a route salesman enter the plant one day and
described the competitor's tall bottle as being
knee -high. Knee -high originated with the Cherro
Cola Company in Columbus, Georgia by Claude A.
Hatcher in 1912. Now it's time for Pickup Lines
from a Loser. Do you believe in love at first
sight? Or should I walk by again? You watched
the news. It looks grim. Is an apocalypse inevitable?
We suggest you download all our podcasts beforehand
and have multiple mobile chargers. We have the
post -apocalypse. Remember, communication is
essential post -apocalypse. You must have two
radios that are solar chargeable. Have several
on hand in case any of them do break. That way,
if one is out guarding the perimeter of your
property or out gathering food or whatever, you
can stay in communication and know where the
other person is. And now, Deep Thoughts with
Mark. when you're out of invisible ink? I may
never know. Sir, I see your qualifications here.
May I ask some further questions that could help
me determine your employment eligibility? Yes,
sir. I'm ready. Well, as you can see here, we
have a large population of different ethnic backgrounds,
sexuality, and ages. Are you by chance bilingual?
Well, sir, I'm not sure why you need that kind
of information, but, well, it was only one time
in summer camp. I considered it experimental.
Yes, it's true. Mark is an old bastard. It's
also true that Mark uses a lot of ibuprofen.
But Mark would like to tell you, if you see any
pictures of him roofing ibuprofen... It's obviously
fake, and you're to take the pictures and tear
them up immediately. Harambe used to listen to
our original show, Two Dipshits and a Cheap Radio
Shack Realistic Tape Recorder. Harambe does not
listen to our original show, Two Dipshits and
a Cheap Radio Shack Realistic Tape Recorder anymore.
You might ask why Harambe never listens to our
original show, Two Dipshits and a Cheap Radio
Shack Realistic Tape Recorder. Well, it's because
Harambe is dead. senselessly murdered because
some idiot did not watch her child properly while
looking on her phone. Sadly, Arambe does not
listen to our original show, Two Gibshits and
the Cheap Radio Shack Realistic Take Recorder,
or any other show. Anymore. Sorry, Arambe. Two
douchebags and a microphone. I'm Mark here in
the Kansas City area at the Talk is Cheap studio.
And I am Rob at the beautiful angle arm of Lake
of Delazares in the Doug Blank studio. Quack,
quack. Oh, that was a better, that was a much
better quack than the first one. All right, Rob,
let's get... It's been a long week. It's been
a long week. That's good. And it's been a long
fun week, so that's cool. Very. I know you did.
I'm very happy for you. That's for sure. All
right, first one. Did I notice a salute to the
old Z -Rock? The riff was in Dash's music news
intro. Seth in San Diego. Yes. Yes, Seth. Yeah.
Very good catch. It was off of EZO's House of
a Thousand Pleasures. That's the riff that Z
-Rock used famously. And as far as who you said
I sound like, because you used to live in Kansas
City, you said it wasn't Johnny or Greg. I believe
those were the only two that worked there, that
you could hear their voice on air. There was
more of this email that I didn't put on. Yeah,
that was it. So maybe you're thinking of someone
national, you know? I mean, you know, they had
like, I don't know, Dave Bolt and the Tiptonizer
and Crank and Craig. And, you know, maybe it's
one of those guys that you're thinking of, but
I believe those were the only two people that
were on the air there that you would hear their
voices that were local. So, Seth, I'm not sure
who you're talking about, but whatever it is,
it's a compliment, whether it's Crank and Craig
or whoever. So, thank you. All right. Rob, will
you bring some lighter fluid and some hickory
logs with you? I know that area is loaded with
hickory. Yes, Mitch, I will. Yes, Mitch. Yeah,
of course. I know that area is loaded with hickory.
While you're bringing logs up, could you bring
some bricks and build us a fire pit? You want
to answer that now or not? Or you want me to
keep going? Actually, I'm pretty good at that.
Okay, I guess you got yourself an affirmative
on that one, Mitch. Also, your Freeman Club dues
are delinquent. We're sure it's just an oversight.
Did you pay your Freeman Club dues? Hey, I have
nothing to do with this. It says, also, your
Freeman Club dues are delinquent. We're sure
it's just an oversight. You take that up with
Mitch, okay? Also, Clint is almost out of Narcan
and used all of his begging money for heroin
and Cheez -Its. Good. Could you please be a darling
and bring a couple of Narcans? No. Thank you.
Thank you, Rob. Thank you. Could you be a darling
and bring a couple of... Oh, no, no, I already
read that. Also get with Mark about mobile podcasting
equipment. We might as well start our new show.
We would also like to use Dash Riptide for our
Lake Freeman area news segment. Mitch Freeman...
That's on you, dude. That's on you. Fuck no,
they're not touching that. Mitch, you're going
to have to suck up to Mark big time for that.
Dash is my boy. Fuck off. Dash will never leave
me. Might be because I do his fucking voice.
Dash will never leave me. Mitch, Freeman Lake
area president of social media and publicity.
You got anything you want to add to that, Rob?
You got anything? You got a rebuttal about the
dues, about the fire pit? Okay, go ahead. Okay,
the dues. I just said it. I don't even fucking
live in Freeman. But, Mitch, I love you, man.
I love you. I do. So, Mitch, you're not getting
any dues. You bring a smile to my face every
time I hear you. He's become really, really,
really fucking good. He's getting pretty popular
on the show. I know. And, like, some of his emails
are getting longer and longer, too, like this
one. It was like he kept going. Yeah, I swear.
Yeah. Mitch knows me. Yes. His name ain't Mitch.
We know this because he knows too much about
me. And I think he knows me too. Is that or he
just read into it? No. Some of the stuff that
I didn't read, interaction between him and I,
no. He was around back then without a doubt.
Yeah, yeah. That's why I think he knows both
of us, but he may have known you better. But
he's picking on me. Yes. Well, he kind of picks
on me. Well, he makes fun of me, and he picks
on you. Mitch, I want to meet you. I do. Just
saying. Mitch, you've got to come clean sooner
or later. All right. You can stay, Mitch. All
you want. Yeah. We won't blow your cover, whoever
you are. It's fine. All right. Not that anyone
would probably know anyhow. Whoever's name, they'd
be like, oh, okay. All right. Fine. Next. All
right. Rob and Mark, I love your response to
the guy that was calling Ozzy a Satanist or whatever
he was trying to say. You guys tore him up with
logic. I bet he never replied. Thanks again,
guys. Johnny and O .P. Johnny O .P.? You're welcome,
Johnny. Yeah, he did not reply. You are absolutely
correct. It's the truth. It's the truth. Yeah.
Well, Johnny feels the exact same way. I told
you I'd known him a long, long time. His name's
not Johnny, which bothers me because I want to
tell his real name. But anyhow, Johnny, yeah,
yeah. I mean, all it took was a little bit of
common sense and that guy was gone. He was out
of here. And no, he did not reply. Like you said,
no rebuttal from him. All right. Next one. Long
story short, I'm headed to Atlanta. We'll be
in touch later. Love you guys. Ronnie and Tulsa,
the Tulsa King. You know, Ronnie, I know you
got to go there and everything, and I know you
don't want to. We wish you the best. Don't worry
about emailing us. Get all your stuff figured
out. I understand your predicament. I do. And
I mean, and I don't want to say more about it
on this podcast. So Ronnie, we wish you the best.
We love you to death. Keep in touch. And when
you're able to, email us something, let us know
how you're doing, or do like you used to do and
email us lists to do or whatever. So, Ronnie,
yeah, yeah, we love you, man. I hope everything
goes well. I know you don't want to move there,
but okay. All right. Mark, do you... You got
to do what you got to do, man. Well, that's where
he's at. I mean, you know, the field that he's
in is... You'd think it would be lucrative right
now, but it isn't. There's a lot of competition,
and he's got to do it. But I don't want to say
any more. This is his private life. No, no, and
I understand it. Yeah. I'm just saying, Ronnie.
Yeah. Godspeed, brother. Yeah, yeah. You know
what? We got your back no matter what. Thank
you. We can't wait to hear from you again. Okay.
Mark, do you trim your nose hairs? Just wondering.
Roger in Fort Smith. Roger, no. I burn them off.
It's so much quicker. Right, Rob? I'm the trimmer.
I light them bitches on fire and then I breathe
in just to prove I'm a tough guy. I'm the trimmer,
dude. No, I trim them too if they ever get out
of hand. I don't burn them. I'm just saying that.
Yeah, and if you're out there and you're impressionable,
do not burn your nose hairs off, okay? We are
not to be believed. The disclaimer is completely
true. We'll make up anything on a dime if it
sounds good. Don't believe us. We're full of
shit. It says it in our main speech. Yes, so
there you go. Every time, yeah, you listen to
the Douchebag Pledge. You'll listen to the KY
salute. You'll listen to the disclaimer. So you
should know this. All right. Next one. Mark,
on your Aussie collage, why did you leave out
songs from Back to Earth and Scream? Tony and
Lenexa. Okay. Tony, do you got something you
want to say first, Rob? And then I'll go into
it. No, no. Go right ahead. Okay. Actually. Actually,
thank you. Actually, I left out Speak of the
Devil because there wasn't a new material on
it. I left out Tribute for the same reason. I
left out Black Rain and Ordinary Man, plus the
two that you mentioned. And the reason is, is
because there wasn't any anthem songs on those
albums. Most people wouldn't recognize any song
off of them, so I left them out. No one would
know what they were. I wanted to be powerful
and to the point, and that's the only way I could
do it. As a matter of fact, I'll even go out
on a limb and say the last song, Patient No.
9, was pushing it. But to me, that was like the
last brilliant effort on the collage with the
late, great Jeff Beck as well. You know, I mean,
I hope you can understand that. I mean, there
really wasn't any that grand of material, you
know, On any of those, I mean, you know, Back
to Earth was okay. Black Rain was fair. Scream
was actually kind of horrible. It came out in
2010, and it featured Gus G instead of Zach Wild.
It wasn't that good of an album. And a lot of
those were down -tuning. why i think why aussie
got away from zach for a while because zach got
into down tuning and sounding like skinnered
and stuff like that you know and doing the black
label stuff and i think that aussie felt like
you know i need to go a different way because
his sound isn't my sound anymore so yeah those
albums to me weren't up to par but i did like
some stuff off of them because i'm an aussie
fan but the main thing is is no one would know
what the hell they were No one would have any
idea that's listening to it. Go, what is this?
That's why. Simple. So, and that's the last email.
So, Rob, you want to go into something? Yeah,
I got something. Oh, okay. Bass Pro Shops is
coming to Lake of the Ozarks. About time. Oh,
cool. You know where that's at. Yeah, yeah, yep.
Which is, in the early phases of redevelopment,
the 75 ,000 square foot retail destination will
be a cornerstone of the future redevelopment
of the marketplace at 4540 O'Shea Beach Parkway
and is contingent to city approvals. It is scheduled
to... Cool. Very, very, very cool. It's been
a long time coming. I can't believe they didn't
do it before now. Honestly. Very cool. All right.
Thank you. That's new news. That's just freshly
released, like today or yesterday. Yeah, I personally
can't figure out why it hadn't been there for
years, but I'm glad they're getting to it. And
the outlet mall is a great place, too, to have
it. All right. Let's take our second break, and
we're going to come back with more stuff. Sounds
good. All right, we'll be right back. Two douchebags
and a microphone invade your ear holes in...
Hey, who took a dump in the cooler? Now, for
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right. Rob's initials on a pair of thongs and
learn how to booty clap with the best. Rob. Once
again, it's time for Ramblings of a Madman. I
believe Congress needs to synchronize tap dance
for 20 minutes. Before each session. That needs
to happen. Jamar Chase, what in the hell did
you say this time? This idea has worked out so
well for you in the past. Just go ahead, fat
mouth one of the all -time greatest quarterbacks
in the league ever. Your quote was, without Kelsey,
Mahomes is just another Kirk Cousins with a headband.
Well then, Mr. Chase, you should know Kirk Cousins
very well. You and him have the same amount of
rings. You remind us of a little lap dog nipping
at the heels of your daddy. Oh, hey, look at
the time. It's time for the crazy -ass sport
of the day. Cito -cito hypoparaphylogism. Miss
Gulkenstein was tired of Mark and Toe for making
sport of her. Little did the douchebags know,
Miss Gulkenstein was a voodoo high priestess
when she was younger. She grew angry and cast
a spell on Rob, changing Rob into a capuchin
monkey. Mark took Rob to a local zoo so we could
be with the other monkeys. Here are the adventures
of Rob, the capuchin monkey. Shh, be very quiet.
We're going to listen in as Rob, the capuchin
monkey, tries to sell the rest of the capuchin
monkeys Amway. Rob has always dreamed of becoming
a diamond status Amway as a capuchin monkey.
Little did our hero Rob know. All the great apes
owned stock in Sam's Club and became violently
pissed off when he tried to infringe on their
territory. They promptly grabbed switches and
beat his ass for three days straight. Rob could
not sit down. Two douchebags and microphone.
I'm Mark here in the Kansas City area at the
Talk is Cheap studio. Rob, did you get shut off?
Hmm. No, I was on mute. Hi, Rob. It's a beautiful
diagonal arm of Lake of the Ozarks in the blind
studio. Wham, wham. Wham, wham. There we go.
All right. Sorry. I'm on mute. That's all right.
Rob, I have a recall alert. Okay. Celsius energy
drinks found to contain high noon vodka seltzer.
Yes. Yeah. On July 30th, 2025, the U .S. Food
and Drug Administration announced a recall of
high noon vodka seltzer water after a variety
packs of alcoholic seltzer were found or seltzer,
however you want to say it. were found to contain
Celsius Astrovive energy drinks. The cans of
Celsius Astrovive energy drinks were inadvertently
filled with vodka seltzer and therefore contained
alcohol. Those in possession of these cans of
Celsius Astrovive energy drink are at risk of
unintentionally consuming alcohol. if they drink
the liquid inside the mislabeled products. Recall
was initiated by High Noon after it discovered
that a packaging supplier shipped empty Celsius
cans to High Noon's processing facilities in
error. The cans were then mistakenly filled with
High Noon's alcoholic beverage and shipped to
suppliers as part of a High Noon Beach variety
12 -packs. Now, do you think anyone is returning
them? Probably parents. According to the report
I read, the report I read was their biggest complaint
was the non -alcoholics. You know what? You're
right. You're right. They are complaining. I
get it. I get it. Yeah, because they don't do
alcohol. There may be a lawsuit at this. I don't
know. Could be. Well, I could see that. I mean,
there's so many different things that could happen.
Kids could get hurt. Yeah. That's what I was
thinking right there. No, I could see that too.
Yep. Wow. Yeah, well, I could read more, but
I think everybody got the idea of what's happening
there. And that is High Noon fucked up big time.
And there are probably going to be some lawsuits.
So, Rob, go ahead. American Songwriter. You got
it. I'm back on you, buddy. Sweet. Cool. Alright.
Okay, number one. Let's see if you can guess
this song. I'm just going to read off the first
line to see if you can guess it. Okay. Is this
the real life? Is this just fantasy? Aldo Nova.
You know that one. Yeah, Aldo Nova. No, who is
it? Caught in a landslide. No escape from reality.
Shit, you know what? I can't remember. I know
who it is, but I can't remember which one. Go
ahead, Rob, please. Bohemian Rhapsody. Thank
you. Thank you. All right. Sorry I let you down.
This is just fantasy. Caught in a landslide.
No escape from reality. Yeah. Okay. Okay. I may
not always love you, but long as there are stars
above you, you never need to doubt it or make
you so sure about it. That rings a bell, but
I'm not sure. Go ahead. God only knows by the
beast's voice. Okay. Okay. All right. Okay. This
one I know you will get. We don't need no education.
We don't need no thought control. The wall. You
got it. Part two. Part two. No sarcasm in the
classroom, teacher. Leave them kids alone. Hey,
you teacher. Leave them kids alone. What's the
next one after that? Anyhow. The delightful Roger
Waters who might be going to prison. Yeah, but
for some reason I'm having brain farts really
badly. Who is it? Just tell me. Piano Man by
Billy Joel. Oh, okay. I wouldn't even think,
okay. I wouldn't have got that because I wasn't
even thinking Billy Joel. Yeah. Well, that's
the end of tonight's American Songwriter list.
I love that, though. Excellent. Cool. Thank you,
Rob. Very cool. Let's see here. I've got some
other stories here. Sorry, I was trying to clean
something up there really, really quickly, but
it didn't work out very well. Let's see. This
story starts out, I have a horrendous aberrancy
odor thanks to a bizarre medical condition I've
had since birth. As if growing up in one of Chicago's
most dangerous neighborhoods wasn't hard enough,
Darryl Hall, that is his name, Darryl Hall. So,
okay, you know, like Hall and Oates? Yeah. Yeah.
All right. was born with a rare condition that
caused a foul odor to ooze from his pores as
a teenager. I was already getting bullied a lot
in school just based off how I looked and how
my condition made me very skinny. Hall 23 recalled
to the Post, and this would be the New York Post
where I got this, I would try to act all normal,
he added, but kids would point it out and it
was kind of embarrassing. Well, I mean, you know,
there is, let's see, 2 ,400 babies in the U .S.
that are born with their intestines outside their
body, okay? And this is what this guy said. He
goes, yeah, it sucks, and I don't like it. But
he said that, like, there's a hell of a lot worse
things that could happen. He also said, you know,
that there's a lot of other, you know, things
that could go wrong. And he doesn't like his
condition, but he has a great attitude about
it. And he's like, it could be much worse. So,
anyhow, you know, I mean, I just thought I'd
read that one just to, you know, if you feel
kind of bad tonight, you probably don't feel
that bad now, right? Yeah, you don't stink for
no reason. If you stink, it's for a reason, right?
Yep. All right. Rob, we turn it to you. All right.
The Army is swapping an Icon. The 40 -year -old
Humvee for a lighter, faster, cheaper truck designed
for future battlefields. They're doing away with
the Humvee. Okay. It's one of the most visible
signs of the Army's transition from Cold War
era equipment that has divined it for generations.
Uh -huh. top -to -shelf top technology. The Humvee
is the quintessential G .I. Joe vehicle, said
Alex Miller, the chief tech national advisor
to Army leadership for transporting its equipment.
at the time. It is not good for the fight we
think we're going to be in. The fight of the
Pentagon officials like Miller likely involves
China and will require speed and agility to survive.
Battles will also almost certainly resemble the
combats fought by Russians. By Ukraine slowly
moving trucks and even tanks and the dead traps
Enter the infantry squad vehicle It's basically
a stretched out straight down all train vehicle
without doors right road with seats for It's
like infantry units to trucks along with hundreds
of drones to spy on and attack you. So yeah,
they're doing it with the Humvee. It's going
to be more or less like a flatbed. Okay. Okay.
But it sounds pretty cool. Yeah, it really does.
I'm all for that. That sounds good to me. Yeah,
gross vehicle weight, 8 ,200 pounds. 8 ,200,
yeah. Okay. 0 to 30 in 4 .81 seconds. 0 to 60
in 5 .027. Yeah. Yeah, I like that. You could
do with that, couldn't you? Hey, optional top
mounted .50 caliber machine gun. Sold. GM Duramax
2 .8 liter turbo diesel. Oh, very cool. I sound
a little preoccupied there because I was. I had
to, I had a listener. Send in a sketch art of
the Talk is Cheap studio and me. And it's really
good. And I tried to figure out how the file
that they sent it in. I was trying to figure
out how to open it and put it on Facebook, which
I just did. Oh, there it is. Yeah. Oh, you tagged
me. It's on Facebook. Yeah. A listener named
Sonny sent that in. Thank you, Sonny. I believe
it's a mail. Yeah, that's very cool. Very, very
cool. They did a great job. I mean, that really
does look like me, and that really does look
like the Talk is Cheap studio. So, great job.
I wanted to go into this. I had it come across,
but I ignored it. Do what now? I had it come
across my notifications, but I ignored it. But
once you mentioned it, I went and looked at it.
thing is sunny i love what you did but you screwed
up the chief sign that doesn't look like a chief
sign i'm sorry it looks like a marshmallow or
something but okay yeah you know what i i i digress
i'm sorry thank you appreciate it so that was
a good job so yeah yeah really good you have
talent i can tell you that um I want to go into
some things that's going to help you out. Mosquitoes
are large and everywhere right now. They've taken
over the whole world because of all the recent
rains that we've had. These are known substances,
plants that fend off mosquitoes. So maybe not
this year, but next year, if you don't feel like
spraying a bunch of off on you or a repel or
something, these actually work pretty well. One
is citronella. I think everyone knows this actually
though. Known for a strong citrusy scent that
mosquitoes dislike. Lemon balm. A member of the
mint family. Its lemony scent helps detour mosquitoes.
Marigold. The vibrant flowers have a distinct
smell that repels mosquitoes. And I knew that
too. That marigolds are actually really efficient
on detouring mosquitoes. Lavender. The fragrant
blooms. are not only beautiful, but can also
help keep mosquitoes away. Catnip. While cats
love it, mosquitoes avoid the scent of catnip.
They cannot stand it. Basil. The strong aromatic
leaves of basil are effective at repelling mosquitoes.
Eucalyptus. The strong menthol scent of eucalyptus
is a natural mosquito repellent. And finally,
rosemary. This fragrant herb is known to repel
mosquitoes and other insects as well. So if you
have a problem with ants or I don't know about
any other insect, it sounds like it might help
fend them off. So those are the ones that I bothered
to look up because the other night I was out
there doing some stuff near the pool and it looked
like a gray cloud came after me. And it was all
mosquitoes. I quickly went in the house and I
grabbed the rappel, doused myself with it and
went back out. But I don't like doing that. I
don't like the smell. I don't like the chemicals.
So I looked all this up and all of this works
reasonably well. So you might try that if you're
like me and don't want a whole bunch of rappel
or off all over you. So Rob, turn it to you.
Yeah That's okay An occult museum? He is the
legal guardian of the haunted doll, Annabelle.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Go ahead. Remember, he was in
on the auction. Go ahead, please. This is a fascinating
story. Who's a big fan of the paranormal, by
the way, also says he is. He's the legal guardian
of a whole collection of haunted objects, including
the infamous Annabelle doll, which inspired the
2014 horror film. Cool. Mm -hmm. Uh -huh. stops
of the tour is currently on and they will rest
safely in the museum for guests of the house
to visit upon their stay. Yep, right next to
it. That's, no, no, they were in Denver. Oh,
I thought they were in the same room. Okay, but
go ahead, Rob. I guess I don't know the story
like I thought I did. Wow. He continues, this
is a piece of real history. This stuff is real
and should be handled with respect. We look forward
to turning the house and museum into the best
paranormal investigation experience in the country.
That would be cool. Yeah, no kidding. Wow. Fucking
awesome. Yeah. Yes. Well, that was the damn Riviera.
Well, they were not in the same rubber mountain
when he died. So they did not legitimately blame
this on Annabelle. Now, let's see what happens
with Matt, right? Yeah, let's see if the curse
continues. Damn Riviera got stupid. He took Annabelle
out of the box. Yes, yeah. Yep, I agree. Should
have left Annabelle alone. Yep. I've got somewhat
of a correction to make. Okay. The Lewisburg,
the Somerset Winery, the bed and breakfast is
not a tech -free place. You can have your cell
phones, and they do work. Someone I know that
went there, uh informed me of that someone gave
me some bad information um so you you can go
there and use your phone if you choose to but
if you're there it's so beautiful and nice i
don't know why you would want to be on your phone
so um anyhow i just wanted to make sure that
people knew that it is not tech free like i was
informed of that's fake news so anyhow um rob
do you want to keep going or you want to shut
it down it's almost 9 30. So you know what my
vote is. Okay. All right. I love you guys. Yeah.
I have no updates on Grandma Opal. She's still
in rehab as far as I know. And anyhow, thank
you, everybody, for listening. Oh, what? Oh,
Albuquerque. We love you. Yes, Albuquerque. And
our burners are with Grandma. Yeah. She's killing
for me. Yeah, I'm taking no news that's good
news. That's what I'm taking. So she's in rehab.
So anyhow, love you guys. Thank you all for listening.
Good night, assholes. Good night, assholes. Oh,
no. Looks like the show's over, kids. Mark has
explosive diarrhea and can't afford a wireless
mic. Fear not, assholes. They'll be back invading
your ear holes soon.