Hey, you fucking derelicts. It's time for the
Daily Douchebag Pledge. I, Joe or Jane Listener,
hereby promise to download the show. I, Joe or
Jane Listener. Hereby promise to grab other people's
phones, unattended computers, public computers,
and all of my work computers as well and download
the show from there. I, Joe or Jane Listener,
hereby promise to make other people listen. I,
Joe or Jane Listener, will hereby lie to everyone
about how quality the show is. I, Joe or Jane
Listener, promise to make all my family members
listen and recite the daily douchebag pledge.
And finally... I, Joe or Jane Listener, hereby
promise to make the trek to Knobloch, Missouri,
just to have a selfie with the Knobloch sign.
Here at Two Douchebags and a Microphone, we don't
stand behind our journalistic integrity. Go ahead
and assume we got the story wrong. At least we
admit it. Not like all those other guys, we can
and will lie if it makes the story better. Two
Douchebags and a Microphone. Sometimes Mark appears
to be in deep thoughts. Usually he is contemplating
whether to squeeze a toot out or save it up for
a better place. But I digress. Sometimes he does
occasionally have a deep thought. Now we look
in on his brilliance. What if I learned telepathy?
And then I tried to talk to random people. How
would I know if they're ignoring me? I guess
some questions are greater than mankind. And
now we look in on the adventures of the technical
explanation guy. Excuse me, my dear sir. Could
you please put my plain bread in a small countertop
appliance with heating elements that would spring
loaded and would brown my bread adequately? Well,
first off, I'm not a waiter. I'm just a guy over
there sitting at the table having a drink. Second
off, are you talking about someone toasting your
bread? Why, yes. Yes, I am. I'm talking about
my bread being toasted. Then why don't you just
ask for your bread to be toasted, you dumb bastard?
What the hell's wrong with you? So you want proof
that we love you here at QD Spades and Microphone
Central? Here's a proof right here. How about
the drink of the week? Hey, sporty pants. How
about a black currant margarita? 24 ounces of
tequila. The best or wow good? 20 ounces cream
big cassay. 96 ounce big bucket margarita mixer.
Garnish with lined wheels. Served in a tall pollens
glass. Combine ingredients with Big Buffy. Stir,
seal, and open the vent. Freeze and serve. Enjoy,
poggers. Have at it. Two douchebags, a microphone,
and an effort to keep everything fresh. We offer
you First World Problems. I can't believe the
coffee grinder is broke at the big box store.
There's no way I can be expected to grind my
coffee beans every damn morning. Hey, look. I
think we found land. Oh, my God. I think we're
safe. Oh, no. It's an island of horrible jokes.
Elevator music is horrible. On so many levels.
Your mama's so old, she knew Burger King when
he was still a prince. Two douchebags and a microphone.
I'm Mark here in the Kansas City area at the
Talk is Cheap studio. And I am Rob at the beautiful
manual arm at Lake of the Ozarks in the Duck
Blind studio. Thank you, Rob. Our old cat, she's
like, I don't know, 18, 19 years old, that keeps
meowing in the background. She has a real, real
yelling meow because she can't hear now and can't
see. So she kind of like screams instead of meows.
I think that she's kind of like our third member.
Every time I listen to our podcast, I hear her
three or four times. Yeah, it's like two douchebags
and a cat. How's that? Mic her up. Mic her up,
man. As loud as she is, I don't have to. Honestly,
I've been noticing her in the background. I'm
listening. I'm chuckling. I'm waiting for people
to think it's a gag. It don't happen to me. I
got two dogs in the chat. Well, occasionally
you hear the dogs going off because somebody's
walking by and they're like, you know, they're
10 foot tall whenever someone walks by with their
dog. You know, they got to out piss them. You
know, they're dogs. You know, they're defending
their territory. Yeah, so. Anyhow, I have a rock
and roll fallacy alert, Rob. Okay. Black Sabbath
song that's titled N .I .B. is not actually an
abbreviation for Nativity in Black. How long
have you heard that? Everybody thought it was.
This came from Tony Iommi. They named the song
after Bill Ward's beard. It looked like a pen
nib. Now, if someone doesn't know what a pen
nib is, I think you do because you laughed. Yeah.
Okay. A pen nib, it's one of those old ones that
you would dip in ink to write. It has that little
feather looking thing at the end. And I went
back and I looked at some of the old photos,
and it did, during that time, he did have a beard
that looked like a pen nib. And I was like...
I remember he looked like that. And that's what,
yeah. Yeah. I got around that where they got
it. Yes. Yes. And I thought that was excellent.
And I'm catching up on a lot of different interviews.
I mean, the Aussie thing, I'm going to go out
on record and say this, and I really do believe
this is true. I'm not trying to be sensational
or nothing like that. I mean, you know, like,
like a podcast can be sensational, but you know
what I mean? It's not like we're like over the
air, you know, and everyone's like driving home
and going, Oh, what's he going to say? But here,
Aussie. Osborne is more popular than the Beatles
were. I really think so. All the people. I think
so, too. Yeah, all the people, the outpour of
all different types of people, all different
ethnics, all different everything. I mean, all
over the world, rocket scientists to a guy in
the gutter all love the man. And all of them
are just like all, you know, they're deeply saddened,
like me and Davey, you know. We've always said
this since the terrible thing happened. I mean,
it's like we lost our best friend, you know.
We're used to him being there, and we're used
to his humor and his, you know. It was just,
he was like a part, he was a fabric of. everything
that we've known you know so uh anyhow yeah i
do believe and i and i'm glad to hear you say
that too because i know you know music the reason
why i think so is because he did it for so many
years true okay and to tell the truth the beatles
was only what four years Yeah, maybe eight. Something
like that. Yeah, they were. 62 to 66, something
like that. Yeah, they were breaking up by 68,
I think. Yeah, yeah. If they would have went
on, it would have probably been a different story.
But no, I've got to give this to Ozzy. Me too.
Because how much he did. He was much bigger than
Black Sabbath. which is amazing to think of because,
you know, they invented the genre. So, anyhow.
Okay, so, Rob, I figured out something here.
I'm going crazy with the new tools I can use,
right? I have so many new characters that I keep
getting them mixed up. I'll start in with a new
music news segment and get it all finished. And
I go to listen back, and I realize that I started
out with Phineas J. Voltaris III and ended up
with Dash Riptide on the end of it. It sucks
because it was a great bit, and I forgot what
it was about. But I put two different people
on there. I started off, you know, hey, this
is Phineas J. Voltaris III. And then at the end,
it's like, this is Dash Riptide. And if you're
too loud, you probably have ear damage, just
like me. And I'm like... What the fuck? And I'm
doing this all the time now. I'm taking characters
and mixing them up because they have so many.
I got to figure out a way to like, I don't know.
Maybe I just need to do less characters. I don't
know. But yeah, these tools that I have now are
just so unique and cool to do. It's AI voices
that I control, that I do. And I'm like a kid
in a playground coming up with like, hey, how
about a hillbilly guy? Hey, how about a fast
-talking salesman? You know what I mean? How
about a, you know, a professor? You know, like
the technical explanation guy sounds like a,
I don't know, like an uppity English guy, right?
Yeah, but I don't know. I keep mixing them up,
and anyhow, I love doing this, but I think I'm
going to have to narrow them down because...
I don't know, either that or maybe pay more attention.
I guess I was kind of tired the couple times
that I did that, but anyhow. So, I've got something
here. It's a little sad here, and it's also outraging,
but I want to get into it a little bit. Is that
okay, Rob? Yeah, that's fine. Okay. A cop in
Wyandotte County was killed, sadly, by a piece
of garbage, in my opinion. The scum had a rap
sheet something like this. Sean Harris, 38. have
been charged, and this is all from online on
different news outlets, so I believe it, you
know, and like I'm saying, allegedly and all
of that, has been charged with capital murder
and criminal possession of a weapon by a felon
in connection with a fatal shooting of Wyandotte
County Sheriff's Department, Aliyah Ming. According
to online documents from the state of Kansas,
Harris has a criminal history in Wyandotte County
and spent over a decade in the Kansas Department
of Corrections. He was released from prison on
December 11, 2024. Prior to this incident, Harris
had three prior convictions in Wyandotte County.
Theft stemming from an incident in 2011, attempted
aggravated battery from an incident in February
2012 involving a gun inside a Waffle House, aggravated
battery, and a conviction from an incident in
May 2012 where he and others took a Ford Mustang
and a credit card and Harris possessed a firearm.
Additionally, during this period, Harris faced
in Lafayette County, Missouri, including felony
tampering with a motor vehicle and felony damage
to jail and jail property, for which he received
sentences running concurrently with his Kansas
sentence. Following his arrest in connection
with Deputy Ming's death, Harris was released
from the hospital on July 27, 2025, and booked
into the Johnson County Jail on suspicion of
capital murder of a law enforcement officer.
Formal charges are pending, and I just heard
on the news at 5 o 'clock that the charges have
already been served. So here's where I'm going
with this, and you tell me what you think about
this idea, and I don't know why we don't do it.
Okay, number one, this guy should have never
been out, right? Right, right. No, he should
not have been. Yeah. Yeah, he should have never
been out. But since we have a system like this
that allows things like that to happen. So, okay.
So I'm sick of these law enforcement agents getting
shot by criminals that should never been set
free in the first place. But my idea is this,
Rob. How about drones that go into a situation
like this first? A drone with a taser and live
bullets. My idea is you pick your punishment.
If you're simply running from the police and
you get tased by the drone, okay, so be it. However,
you start shooting, so does the drone. Right.
I'm serious. I would never make fun of a tragedy
like this. Yes. I don't know why I think this
could work. We send drones into caves to kill
terrorists. Why can't we do that? I don't get
it. They have weather drones. They have everything.
They have drones that they fly into tornadoes.
Well, you know why? Why? I can tell you why.
Yeah, please. That would put a lot of people
out of work. A lot of police officers out of
work. Well, they're already doing RoboCop in
some Briarwood shopping center near Raytown there,
or I think it is in Raytown. They have a... RoboCop,
I reported on, remember? He's out there. Yeah,
you did. Yeah. I mean, I think... For security,
I can understand the actual officers. Well, the
officers will still be out there. The officers
still can be out there. I mean, you know, they
can be doing... There's so much stuff going on.
I'm pretty sure there's... Don't you think there'll
still be enough need for them? I mean, I don't
know. Anyhow, well, I... It doesn't also be plenty
of paperwork after. Yeah. Drone goes into building.
Dude starts shooting a drone. Drone blasts him.
Drone leaves. Drone flies by. Gives a green light.
That means there's a corpse there waiting for
him. There you go. I love it. I love that idea.
Yeah, green light means corner. It would keep
our men and women in blue shape. Yes, I'm getting
tired of this. And then another cop was killed
in New York. I mean, it's getting ridiculous.
It's getting to where no one's going to do that
job. What we're going to have is the Wild West.
The people that are smart enough to carry guns
and the victims. I mean, I don't know what else
to say. Well, while we're speaking about prisons,
a little bit more lighthearted, a prison close
to Birmingham, England, is letting the prisoners
stencil Ozzy on their jumpsuits as an honor to
the Prince of Darkness. I think that's cooler
than hell. Why not, man? Why not? And it'll also
lift their spirits in there. They're all walking
around with Ozzy on their back. They're like,
hell yeah, man! So, I thought that was pretty
cool. So, there was... crazy train throughout
the prison. Some crazy shit might happen, right?
Might be a riot. Might be a riot. Oh yeah, I
could still hear that song and want to break
shit. Hell yeah. I'm going to smash out windows
and scream, Metal, bitch, metal! So there was
at last count at least 30 billboards in America
saluting Ozzy. that radio stations have paid
for themselves. This is because of their love
for the man. Over 30, there's over 30 of them.
These billboards are not cheap. Most of these
stations have explained that his kindness and
ability to make them laugh and smile was not
forgotten and they wanted to honor the man. Is
that not something? Yeah. I posted one the other
day. Oh, you did too. Yeah, I knew someone else
did. I couldn't remember who. Yeah. I posted
one the other day. Yes. I didn't know that it
was up to 30 now. That's cool. Yeah, yeah, up
to 30. I think there's actually more than that
because this was like a couple of days ago when
I got this information. So I bet you it's more
than 30. So I'm going to go on from that. We've
talked about Ozzy a lot, and we all know we love
the guy, and it's too bad he's gone, but I'm
glad he's not in pain, and so are you, right?
Because we cared about the guy, right? Now, I've
got an email that is extremely poignant about
Ozzy, and we're going to go into it a little
bit later. I think you're going to find this
classic. I'll just put it like that. Okay, so
it's not just the White Lotus thing. A growing
number of resorts and retreats are asking their
guests to put their digital devices away during
their stay. When Ophelia Wu went to Ermito in
Italy, she was hoping for a stress -free experience.
I was living a hectic lifestyle in London, and
I found it overwhelming, she said. I needed a
break. I heard about this former monastery in
Eubria. Or it's actually Umbria. Umbria. That's
it. Umbria. And I was curious about it. She booked
a three -night stay at the hotel, which has no
Wi -Fi or phone signal. Kind of like you, Rob,
down there at the... Yeah. Was it not good, though?
Was it not great not to have a phone near you
and not to have to worry about it dinging or
who's doing what? Well, when you have not but
a budget. Yes. In that part. And you didn't see
it? Oh, okay, cool. Pretty much is, isn't it?
No wonder I was drooling all weekend. No wonder
you came back so chipper. Hell yeah. Well, see,
the thing is, I'm looking around. I'm getting
old, man. I'm getting old. I'm looking around.
These girls that I remember, I've been writing
a heart of back in the day. They ain't going
to look at this 56 -year -old man. Well, I'm
an old man. They're in their 20s. Back when I
was single, before Val, I tried my hand at a
couple of younger ladies. And I have nothing
in common with them. Nothing. So you get out
on a date and you just kind of go, do you want
fish? Do you want a chicken or do you want steak?
Oh, it doesn't matter. You know, it's I mean,
it's really weird. But, you know, when you get
older, you're not trying to throw game. You're
trying to get to know them. You know, it's a
completely. Yeah, it's trying. Yes, it's a completely
different element. So to me, not only would I
think of like my stepdaughters and feel like
a creepy old man, but also. I would think this
right here. I would think, what in the hell do
I have to say to her? You know, hey, you never
put Sharpies on your lip, did you? Like those
other Z idiots, did you? You know. So anyhow,
and she goes, do you? Yeah. Yeah. Did you ever
carry a gun? Yeah, I'm out. So, you know. Yeah.
So anyhow, so this lady, she said. Wait a second.
Wait a second. Oh, whoa, whoa. Okay. I got to
back you up on that one. Yeah. If she's a country
girl, she's allowed to carry a gun. Oh, no, you're
right. You're right. Absolutely. How could I
forget that? If she's a country girl, she's allowed
to carry a gun. Okay. I know how to use it. Okay.
Just saying. No, no, no. Dude, I lived in the
sticks for... You are. I lived in the sticks
for years. I know this, and I know you did, too.
You know what I'm talking about. Hell, yeah.
A chick could come up and grab that fucking .30
-aught right off of you and go, give me that.
Fuck. Watch this. And she, you know, I mean,
she'd take a .22. Oh, what? Yeah, all of them
are nicknamed Dead Eye Jones. Dead Eye Jones,
yep. They'll shoot an apple off your shoulder
while you squirm. Yeah. Yeah, yep. Yeah, he'll
take a .22 and place that bullet right through
the middle of that apple every time. And while
wearing Daisy Dukes and cowboy boots. Right?
Yes. Yeah. Yeah, and people thought guys in the
country didn't have it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, there were some Daisy Dukes around. Yeah,
guys in the country got it good. Yeah, oh yeah,
yep, yep. I was getting ready to say that. They
can throw an omelet up there, omelet and taters,
like nobody in the fucking world. You wake up
and go, hey, is that an omelet and taters? I
smell why it sure is. Oh, yeah, hell yeah. So,
anyhow, where was I? I know we did. Okay, so
this lady stayed the night in a hotel, no Wi
-Fi phone signal, no tech or no TVs, just brick
walls, basic bedrooms, and candlelight. The buzz
of bumblebees replaced the buzz of her notifications.
When I left, I was reluctant to turn my phone
back on, she said. I got used to the peace of
being unbothered and the lack of urgency. She's
not alone. Offline travel is one of the trends
of the year so far. According to 2025 Hilton
Trends report, 27 % of adults planning to travel
say they intend to reduce social media use during
their holidays. Echoing this interest, global
luxury home rental platform Plume Guide has seen
a 17 % rise in searches for unplugged tech light
properties. In Mexico, The luxury Grand Veloce
is, and my papers are sticking together, so forgive
me, please. Resorts has launched a digital detox
program that would not be out of place on the
White Lotus, complete with a detox concierge
to whisk away all electronic devices on arrival.
So they take them from you, Rob. So you don't
have a choice. They're like, what? Your phone.
What? Yeah, yeah, yeah, your phone. Give me that.
Now get out of here. Go to your room. So, while
it has become the norm to use tech to facilitate
travel logistics, bookings, check -ins, and itineraries,
I would never book anything if it wasn't for
the internet, Rob. I swear. I mean, I find it
so convenient. I mean, you know. So, when it
starts to play a starring role in holiday experience,
it can feel like the opposite of getting away
from it all. According to It's Time to Log Off,
the average person spends a day each week online,
and 34 % of people have checked Facebook in the
last 10 minutes. 62 % of polled adults say they
hate how much time they spend on their phones.
Martin Dunfield is the founder and CEO of Cool
Places, a website that has curated hotels, B
&Bs, pubs, and self -catered accommodations across
the UK since 2012. We used to have a tag to show
which properties have Wi -Fi, he said. Now we're
adding a no Wi -Fi tag. There's more, but there's
really no reason to get into that. I got the
gist of it right there. there's this place that
Val and I are going to go for my birthday, okay?
It's Somerset Winery. You know where Paola, Kansas
is, right? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I know right where
Paola is. Okay, on 68 Highway before... What
time in Paola? Paola's a cool town. I mean, the
square there is hopping on a Saturday night,
is it not? Oh, God. Oh, it was back in the 80s.
Oh, God, yeah. There's wall -to -wall fucking
strays everywhere. So, So, anyhow, Somerset is
out there near Paola, but it's on 68 Highway
before you get to 169, okay? But it's a Paola
address, so it's past Lewisburg before you get
to Paola, but it's a Paola address, and it's
down south on a country road, Somerset Road,
okay? So, I don't believe you get cell phone
service there. And if I understand correctly,
you leave all your information at the front,
and you give people their number, their number
that they can call 24 hours, if I understand
this correctly, and that's how you do it. So
if there's an emergency, they go, Call 241, the
Wallaces, and tell them that there's someone
that wants to speak to them, and then they tell
you if something's going on, right? But other
than that, I don't believe your phones work out
there, and I think that's going to be fantastic.
Yeah, yeah, so you're covered if you have an
emergency. So to me, that's the only thing I'm
really worried about. What about you? Yeah, like
something really happened, and you're like...
I enjoyed the hell out of myself. But to be honest,
in the back of my head, I'm thinking, okay, is
everything, is my son okay? Is my daughter okay?
Is my son okay? Is my dogs okay? You know. Yeah.
Yeah. Get it? Yeah. Yep. I'm just out there for
fun, eh? Like I'm stranded out there. And at
this point, I was. Yeah. Well, actually, I had
to go back out of NRO Park and down the road
a little bit before I picked up signal. Wow.
I find that surprising because it's been like
that for a long time. I think they do that on
purpose, don't you? No, I think it's the valley
that they're... Oh, is it the valley? Okay. Oh,
dude, yeah. If you go down there, make sure you
have a decent vehicle because you go down a gravel
hill at a very steep angle and there's a couple
curves in it. Oh, you're at that part of it.
What you've got to remember is you've got to
get back up out of there. I used my head. I reached
down. I hit four high. I locked her in four high.
You locked her in four high. You'll be okay.
Okay, there's the first part of it to it, and
you're talking about that part. Yeah, that part.
I understand no signal at all. Yeah, I'm going
down that big hill. As you come in at the first
office, there's campgrounds down below and where
you go to put in the water. You know, that's
where you get on your canoes and stuff, and there's
a store down below. That's where we were. Okay,
okay. We had to drive down that big gravel hill.
Yeah, yeah. You've got to know how to drive gravel
because you're coming up that steep -ass hill
and you've got to turn a sharp corner at the
top. You've got to know how to do it, dude. Yes,
you're on the other side of the... You lay into
it and you do like the movie Cars. Yeah. Turn
left, you go right. You're actually on the Niagawa
River and not Bennett Springs. You're down there.
I get what you're saying. Wow. Yeah, we were
down in our old campground. Cool. It's well known
down here. Oh, no, I've been there before, but
I know what part you're talking about. And that
was at the time I was with actually a girl that
I used to see that lived in Camdington for a
while. You told me about her. Yeah, she worked,
well, she was part of the National Guard, and
I guess there's some armory around there somewhere?
Yeah. Okay. Well, anyhow, she went down there
actually to go pick up her kid because her ex
was down there, like, glamping and canoeing.
And she goes, I've got to go get my kid. And
I'm like, where's he at? Well, he's down on the
springs or the river. I'm like, what? Yeah, yeah,
yeah. So, yeah, I know what you're talking about.
I've been down there. So, all right, Rob, we're
going to go into what you want to talk about.
Okay, I found this interesting story. And Thomas
has a relationship. I'm just going to read it.
You know we really don't talk enough about how
humbling it is to have children. Sure they have
us digging super deep to find the strength to
carry on when we're sick and tired. Seasoned
parents will tell you how much they've looked
inward and grown in order to become the best
version of themselves after having kids. Uh -huh.
Uh -huh. Uh -huh. He didn't usually allow toys
or some things to go to school just to avoid
the chance of losing it or any tantrums when
he's expected to share. What's this, baby, I
said. This is mine from home, my son tells me.
But this wasn't just any special thing from home.
This was my underwear, a G -string of all kinds.
I'm absolutely mortified as I notice the educator
grin next to me. Yeah, Angus has been super proud
of that all day, she laughs. Oh my God, no. Because
not only is this G -string feral, but it's got
a bleach -stained crotch. Oh! This situation
honestly can't get any worse. I go to pick up
my youngest from his daycare room, and I'm greeted
by similar grins from the educators in there.
We're just spread fast. I'm trying to laugh it
off, but I'm mortified. The next day, I tell
my husband, please check his bag, and my husband
assures me he definitely has the coast clear.
So imagine the horror when I go in that afternoon
to collect the boys and find out he had done
it again. The kid is the Houdini of G -Bangers.
Where is he even getting them from? His beautiful
young educator tells me, with glee, that he went
over to her at story time and stretched it over
her legs. Knee to knee while she was sitting
cross -legged. This cannot get worse, can it?
Yes. Because when we get home, I have another
talk with Angus about taking things that aren't
mine. When I ask where he got it from, he tells
me he took it out of the dirty clothes basket.
Oh, man. Oh, my gosh. You know... Oh, man. This
is the God's honest truth. I'll tell you the
guy's name off the podcast because you know him.
Maybe you were there. I don't know. But his mom
left to go somewhere for a couple of days, and
she left him in charge of his younger sister
and the whole place. So we were up in her bedroom.
And someone lifted up the mattress and there
were three huge dildos. And he was like, oh,
oh, my God. And we're like, dude, probably all
our moms do that. You know, we just we don't
want to know that. We're sorry. But yeah. And
then a couple of the guys that were there took
him out and started sword fighting with him.
Meanwhile. Yes. Yes. And meanwhile, our our friend
was like, put him down. That was probably in
my mom. My God, guys, come on. We're like, no.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. OK, just so everybody knows,
we. We tell everybody our lives were like a typical
80s movie back then. Yes. Our lives really were.
Yeah, no kidding. We really lived that. For real.
All that crazy shit we did times 10. Well, that's
the way life was back then. Yeah. Oh, gosh. And
all the pranks that we used to play. Oh, man.
Oh, my God. I mean, I've got to, like, find some
of those pranks. I think Topher has them, like,
re... reanimate them or whatever, redo them or
something, and put them in like I did the other
day when I was asked to put in the phone calls,
the phone pranks. I took that bit that Topher
gave me and put it in there for, I think it was
for Ronnie and Tulsa, wasn't it? Yeah. Yeah,
I need more of those. I think it was Ronnie and
Tulsa. Yeah, the Tulsa King. Yes. I need to get
more of those. There are so many pranks that
I played. And instead of telling them all, I
just got to find the bit. Because you can't do
like the first one. I mean, Topher's over there
just dying laughing. And people are walking by
at the city market going, huh? So, okay. Anyhow,
let's take our break. And then I got some emails.
And I got a featured email that I found very
classic. I'll stick with classic. Okay, okay.
Oh, yeah. Did you come up with our list? Yes,
I've got it. Top keyboardists. Okay. Seven. Yes,
this is a surprise list there, buddy. I have
marked it the other day with this. I love this.
I can't believe we never thought of it before.
We have our seven favorite keyboardists. Yeah,
and keyboardists. And Ronnie from Tulsa, Tulsa
King Fashion, of course. Yes, top seven. Top
seven. And Ronnie, I know you don't like doing
lists, but if you feel like bringing in a list,
if you feel like throwing in a list every now
and then like this, I'd love to hear it. But
if you don't, that's fine too. It's your discretion.
We love you. All right. I figured with Ronnie
was talking about moving. He probably had too
much on his plate. I gave him a break. Well,
he had a lot on his plate, and I think that's
why he didn't want to do the list. That's when
I popped up with this list, and Mark loved it.
Yeah, yeah, I do love it. Okay, be right back.
This is Joshua Belmont, your food for thought
man on the hustle. So I just realized a genius
that gets absolutely no credit. His name is Marshall
Taylor. He's credited with the first bag of salad
mix that was bagged and sold. Yesterday. was
his birthday. I believe he is still alive. This
guy's genius will never be fully appreciated.
Before this man, we settled for iceberg lettuce
with maybe a couple of croutons and some cheese.
Was Mr. Taylor satisfied with that? Hell no.
He realized that Billy Americana would never
go out and buy a couple of radishes, a couple
of carrots, a head of purple cabbage, maybe snow
peas, and possibly some cute romaine lettuce
for extra bougie. Mr. Taylor. You should have
a national holiday. Ms. Gulkenstein was tired
of Mark and Toe for making sport of her. Little
did the douchebags know, Ms. Gulkenstein was
a voodoo high priestess when she was younger.
She grew angry and cast a spell on Rob, changing
Rob into a capuchin monkey. Mark took Rob to
a local zoo so he could be with the other monkeys.
Here are the adventures of Rob, the capuchin
monkey. be very quiet we're gonna listen in as
rob the capuchin monkey tries to sell the rest
of the capuchin monkeys amway rob has always
dreamed of becoming a diamond status amway as
a capuchin monkey Little did our hero Rob know.
All the great apes owned stock in Sam's Club
and became violently pissed off when he tried
to infringe on their territory. They promptly
grabbed switches and beat his ass for three days
straight. Rob could not sit down. Have you ever
looked at something and said, hey, I wonder what
the origin of that is? Well, so have we. That's
why we give you the origin of. This is the origin
of ketchup and catsup. There's no actual difference
between ketchup and catsup. They're both two
different spellings for the same tomato -based
condiment. The term ketchup is more commonly
and widely accepted, while catsup is still used
in some regions, particularly in the south and
midwest of the United States. Most spellings
are correct and refer to the same sweet, sour
condiment typically made with tomatoes, mangoes,
sugar, and spices. The word ketchup likely originated
from the Chinese term qi jia ce, a fermented
fish sauce. Over time, variations like ketchup,
spelled both ways, emerged as the condiment was
adapted with Western ingredients, including tomatoes.
Hey, my fellow heavy breeders, this is Dash Riptide,
your music news. Rob Halford. the legendary singer
of Judas Priest, now has his very own action
figure on sale. This is from McFarlane Toys.
It sells for $34 .99, and even Halford's action
figure is taller than Udo Dirk Snyder. This is
Gash Ruktein, and that was your music news. If
it's too loud, you probably have ear damage,
just like me. Jam X. What the hell happened?
You were the generation of change. You never
wanted to be one of them. Apathy spoke for you.
Fuck the man. Fuck the system. What the hell
happened? The generation of angst. The generation
of noncompliance. is now buying a boat? You're
really fed up to kill someone who dangled a dollar
near you? Great job, Xers. Everything's ruined.
Please remember to go to Cole's dressing room,
wait five minutes, and scream, Hey, there's no
toilet paper in here! Your mama is like the sun.
Big, round, and hard to look at. You watched
the news. It looks grim. Is an apocalypse inevitable?
We suggest you download all our podcasts beforehand
and have multiple mobile chargers. We have a
post -apocalypse. Remember, post -apocalypse
to have a sewage bit. Sewage untreated can result
in serious illness. and other obstacles for your
family to live well. You also should have some
chemicals stocked up, maybe bags of chlorine
or something of such, to sanitize the sewage
per week. Two douchebags and a microphone. I'm
Mark here in the Kansas City area at the Talk
is Cheap studio. And I am Rob in the beautiful
mango arm of Lake of the Ozarks in the Duck Barn
studio. I forgot to tell you, this is our naked
broadcast. This is our naked podcast. Did you
see my post yet? No. Okay, no guitars, no vintage
shirts. No weird sodas, nothing. This is just
a naked episode. That's it. Okay, I thought you
meant that we were supposed to be sitting here
with no clothes on. No, no, no. But I did say
you were going to sing 80s hits while I yodeled.
But I guess we went ahead and scrapped that.
I did not see the post. I'm sorry. Okay, no,
I forgot to tell you that this was the naked
broadcast. But it doesn't matter because we're
not naked. All right, we got some emails, Rob.
You want me to go into them? Yes. All right.
Hey, guys, do you offer any video streaming on
YouTube or Twitch or any other outlets? I was
just wanting to get a look at you guys, Molly
and Hutchison. Probably Kansas, I imagine. Okay,
the reason I get emails like this all the time,
and usually I'll send them back like we're working
on it or something instead of addressing it,
but I'm addressing it this time because of this.
rob we've got some decisions to make and i yeah
um youtube i was i i haven't answered this but
go ahead okay um okay youtube is good but i don't
think it's good enough i'm thinking about maybe
a different delivery like x or twitter i guess
you know twitter x or whatever um i think you
have a higher percentage of people that can find
it that will listen to it and it's just streaming
right there in the feed so um all of a sudden
just boom there it is and there we are talking
and if we do video i think maybe we ought to
go that route because there's like a bunch of
weird rules that i read up on on youtube and
getting copyright strikes and all this stuff
and we just don't have the freedom we will not
have the freedom that we do right now on youtube
so I'm not sure if that's the way to go. Then
I was reading rss .com. Okay. I mean, the research
is being done. Yes. We're doing our research.
Well, okay. Let me tell you this here real quick
because I haven't had a chance to talk to you
about this, Rob, but RSS will pay you, okay?
But they push you if they pay you. They push
you more. Okay, because that means they want
you to get more advertisers and they make 30
% and you make 70%. But, I don't know if we'll
have the freedom to take that to Spotify and
all these other places too, you see. RSS is audio
only. Yeah, there's all these different things
involved that I never had an idea. And we're
going to have to like sit down and like really
think about this and figure out what our best
avenue is. I think we're going to have to do
video because that is the preferred method of
listening is watching. So, oh, go ahead. I think
we're mixed here because I talk to a lot of people
that like just listen to podcasts. I do. I don't
want to see anybody. How can you watch a podcast
while you're driving? Especially when we do it
that late at night. I agree. We have to do it
at night because of our schedules. I agree. But,
yeah, we could do both. If we could find a way
to do both, that's the way I would. Because I
want to keep what we have. Me too. I want to
keep the fan base we have so far. Me too. That's
what I want to build on. I think maybe a QR code
and stickers might be a good way to go. The more
I look into that, the more I think that that's
a perfect way to do it for us. It doesn't cost
you anything much. And just put them around on
stuff, you know. Every time I jump in my truck,
I'm advertising now. I know, that's awesome.
I've got to come up with something. Just advertise
that in our old campgrounds. Cool. Cool. Our
listenership down there has always been good
because of you, but it has increased, and I think
it's probably doing large because of you pushing
it. Well, also, I have the Duke up the road now
here, too. Oh, yeah, that's true. That's true,
yeah. Duke is going to be more up around Jeff
City, Columbia area. Yeah, we have quite a few
people there, too. Yeah. He's in Sunrise Beach,
right? He is now. We cannot explain the boom
in Sunrise Beach on the Duke. It was started
before he moved there. No, it did. It did. So,
I mean, we talk a lot about the lake because
of you, so maybe, I don't know. I think it's
great. I would love to be the official podcast
of Lake of the Ozarks. I think that would be
excellent. So we have a lot of stuff. So, Molly,
thank you. We're figuring it out. And it's going
to take a while. Go ahead. I'm sorry. Yeah. I
had a lost train of thought there. I had an explanation.
Yeah, I lost it. Oh, shit. Sorry. Well, if you
think of it, just start talking and I'll shut
up, okay? All right, Rob. Hey, you got to remember,
I'm on vacation, too. Oh, yeah, you know what?
I'm in relax mode, man. I'm in relax mode. Do
whatever you want, Rob. It's cool with me. You're
on vacation. And you're getting ready to go on
a vacation. Fuck yeah. And then when I'm down
in Eureka Springs, you'll be on vacation with
me. Or a getaway. I don't really call Eureka
Springs vacations. I call them getaways. Yeah,
yeah. All right, the next one. Rob, I'm sorry
we decided to have the Massey Creek 4 -H Club
meeting without you. You're on vacation, so we
opted to have the vote without you. We can now
have tie -dye colored life vests when navigating
on the crystal blue waters of Lake Freeman. Mitch
in South Central Cass County W Highway Brigade
of the Plains. Well? Well, I already sent in
my vote. Oh, you did? I voted for him, too. Okay.
I voted for him, too. I agree. Tie -dye. I agree
on the tie -dye. Tie -dye life vest. There you
go, Mitch. I don't even know Mitch. No, Mitch.
My vote was mailman. So, we're good. You know,
I noticed Ronnie did not send an email this time.
Oh, well. Yeah, I'm sure he's busy. Busy. Yep.
Busy. Okay, Mark. What was the story you started
to tell the other day? You were talking about
decorative. Wall art? Decorative wall art. Roger,
Milwaukee. What? Wall art. Decorative wall art.
Okay. What was it? That's ringing a bell. Okay.
That's ringing a bell. Okay. I'm trying to remember.
Hmm. Oh, shit. Yeah, you were. Okay. I thought
he was messing with... Okay. No, no. what it
was about i don't know if i remember yeah you
did okay okay you know what i'm gonna listen
to the last few shows and i'll get back with
you but i do remember you did um roger roger
i'll get back with you and i will talk about
it on the next podcast i have to go over the
last two or three and find out what it was yeah
yeah um you'll love this next one Hey, guys.
Grandma Opal is going to a rehabilitation center
for a stay. She is doing better, but will need
to be there for a few months. Don't worry. They
have Wi -Fi, and I will definitely be there to
play you guys for her. I relayed the kind thoughts
and prayers to her. She was thrilled to hear
it. Thank you again, Jimmy. Awesome. Yes. And
I'm glad she's in rehab so she can get better
because I imagine she's going to rehab so she
can continue to live alone like she has been
because she enjoys that. She's got her big yard,
everything, you know. So, Grandma Opal, we love
you. Hang in there. So, and you'll get better
and you'll be out there, you know, grabbing persimmons
off the tree in no time, right? Honestly, I...
I'm thinking grandma opals like me. I kind of
like persimmons. Oh, okay. Okay. She might. She
might. I'm not a persimmon fan at all. Well,
I lost it. I got stupid one time on a job. Somebody
wanted me to eat a raw one. It was raw. Green
off the tree. Oh, sour. Oh, my God. Oh, my God,
dude. It tasted like I had bit into a stick of
deodorant. Persimmons? We're out in the heat,
putting on vinyl siding. Oh. Yeah. Someone got
you good, Rob. Yeah, with my damn boss. Oh, okay.
I love that crew. That sounds like a lot of fun,
really. Those and boysenberries, I hate. Have
you ever liked boysenberries? I've never tried
them. The salmon kind of scares me. Okay. Unless
I know what they are. Boysenberries are kind
of translucent. Kind of greenish translucent.
They're nasty. Okay, yeah. I know what you're
talking about. Yeah, they're nasty. I've never
stuck one in my mouth. You're luckier than me.
Someone had boysenberry pie at a party I was
at. And they said, oh my God, it's so good. Try
it, try it. No. No. There is not enough sugar
they can put on that damn thing to make it taste
okay. So, anyhow, I move on. Whatever happened
to the website for your show, Wanda and St. Joe?
Don't have time to operate it. Don't have the
skill to build it. Don't have the time to...
Learn the skill to build it. People don't really
seem to care. People go to RSS and Spotify other
than going to the website. It wasn't getting
very much traffic. So for the time being, I don't
think we need a website. I think we're doing
okay. What do you think, Rob? Yeah, we're doing
fine. Which takes me back to the, I just came
back with that thought that I lost. Okay. She
wanted to see pictures of us. Oh, Molly. This
is my answer. Yeah. Go to the two douchebags
and a microphone Facebook page. Yes. There are
pictures of us on there. Yep. Yeah. Good point,
Rob. Okay. And you know what? You're right. That
was my answer. Then you got the rambling. I forgot.
Sorry. Yes. Because she said I just wanted to
get a look at you guys. Okay, Molly, there you
go. Go to Two Douchebags on my phone Facebook
page. It's linked onto my personal. All right,
there you go. And I'm on there, too, so you can
hit my personal or just look in my crazy -looking
mug there. So the next one, Mark, you are annoying.
No name. And, yeah, anything else? And they didn't
give a name. Said no name. So, all right. Okay.
Here's a feature. Because I always say, here's
why. Here's why. Well, that too. But I always
say that hate email goes to the top of the line.
I haven't been getting that much hate email lately.
Clint is really falling off. He's giving up or
something. So, I mean, I have nothing to read.
That was finally a little piece of hate email.
And I was like, I got to go with it. No, no,
no. Clint has teamed up with Mitch. Oh, that's
right. Okay. Okay. Well. They've been busy. They've
been busy getting our things together. I heard
they bump pee -pees. You think that's true? You
think they bump pee -pees? Well, I'm not going
to say. Okay, well, there's speculation. There's
speculation that they bump pee -pees. There's
nothing wrong with that. I'm just saying, you
know. All right. All right, here is the featured
email, Rob, that I spoke to you about, and I
know it's going to inflame you, but... I'm ready.
This is just classic bullshit is what I'm going
to say. Mark, why do you have such regard for
a guy who sang about Aleister Crowley? Crowley
was a Satanist. Practiced the occult and hated
Christians. You seem more level -headed than
that. You're talking about a man that bit the
head off doves and bats? You really think Ozzy
should be celebrated? He used the cross for publicity
in photos. He even had an upside -down cross
in a couple of photos. Come on, get some sense,
dude. I'm not sure if I can even listen to you
anymore. From Randy in the East. Rob, do you
want to go first? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have an
answer to this. Okay. Do your homework on Ozzy.
Mm -hmm. Yeah. Ozzy attended church. Ozzy was
a member of a church. Mm -hmm. Okay. It was a
gimmick. It was a gimmick. to sell records. Read
your reports. I've read many reports about it.
Perfect. Here's what I got. Yeah, I mean, that's...
Yeah, I love that, Rob. He was a member of a
church in Birmingham, England. Yes, and he, by
several sources, became a born -again Christian.
Yes. It sounds to me like he's in the right path
there. So, you know, Randy in the East. Ozzy
often explained this. A clown plays a character.
He doesn't go home with his big red nose on.
An actor doesn't really kill someone unless you're
Alec Baldwin. Allegedly. The character is the
Prince of Darkness. You know, Boris Karloff had
grandchildren he took out for ice cream on Sundays
after church, and that's no joke. Boris Karloff,
the king of horror. The guy on film looked like
the worst guy ever. That was not him. That was
a character. I mean, what the hell else is he
going to sing about? Mr. Gillespie, his neighbor?
That would be thrilling. Let's see. Mr. Gillespie,
you seem to have mowed my lawn. Mr. Gillespie,
your dog woke me up at dawn. You want that? Fucking
idiot. Okay, okay. Now let me take this another
direction. Okay. The song Suicide Solution. Oh,
good point. Go ahead. Was actually an anti -suicide
song. Listen to it. You're killing yourself with
alcohol. Solution meant a drink. It was a metaphor
for killing yourself through drinking. Yeah,
which he was doing at the time. And he knew it
and he was telling us about it, telling us not
to do it. Wine is fine, but liquor is quicker.
Suicide is slow with liquor. That's the first
opening. lines of that song the first opening
lyrics of that song right there says everything
that's all you need to know about the song he
doesn't say get a gun and shoot shoot shoot like
that lawyer said of the of the of that poor child
that was so misguided that he killed himself
um they don't even know if it was the song that
he killed himself to All they looked at and they
said, oh, man, look, the last song on this is
called Suicide Solution. They must have enticed
my child to do this instead of them taking any
type of accountability, in my opinion, at all.
They said, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's this
filthy album here. But if you listen to word
for word to that whole song, it's an actual anti
-suicide. Yes. So, Randy in the East. Fuck off.
I don't know what else to say. Mr. Gillespie,
you want that? You really fucking want that?
Mr. Gillespie, the neighbor. Yes. He got pissed
off when Sharon tried to put bubbles at his Las
Vegas show. You think he's going to go for that?
Fuck yeah. He probably died a little bit earlier
because of that. He got off his pain meds and
did so much work that it probably led to maybe
a couple weeks earlier, if not more, death. And
you know what? He did that just like Freddie
Mercury. Freddie Mercury went without regard
on his last album and his Live Aid concert and
all that. He didn't care. He was like, the music
is the most important. I did a report about how
Ozzy was off his meds before that concert because
he wanted to be in the right mind. Yes. He wanted
to do it. He knew. This is true entertainers
is what we're talking about. True entertainers
like Freddie Mercury was, like he was. People
that live it. and that's what they want to do
with their life. And that's the, that's their
love of their life. And if it killed, yeah, they
go to the very end, right into the wall like
that. So there you go. So God bless Ozzie, Freddie
Mercury, all of them. So, um, should we go into
our top seven keyboardists that you, uh, that
you came up with, which I love. Yes. Yes. I'm
ready. Okay. Since it's your list, do you want
me to go first or do you want you to go first?
Why don't you go first for once? Okay. My number
seven is Ray Manzarek of The Doors. He has that
carnival type of evil carnival type of a keyboarding
that was so unique and so, what would you say,
semi -scary, mysterious, evil -ish. He was just
so good at portraying the songs, you know, of
the stuff, you know. Yeah, and without Ray Manzarek,
The Doors wouldn't have been anything. He was
much better than Jim Morrison, but people didn't
see it like that. But anyhow, Ray Manzarek's
my number seven. Number six is Steve Wynwood.
Steve Wynwood's melodies that he did on the keyboards,
I mean, were almost like the whole song, which
is hard to do. Usually keyboards are a backing.
piece of equipment the only other person who's
on here too is john lord john lord did a lot
of lead which was so good i mean you know he
he basically was like richie blackmore um guitaring
over there on the organ so but anyhow steve winwood's
number six number five dennis de young dennis
de young did such weird um every yeah yeah dennis
de young was just so whenever you heard him,
he had this tone that was Styx, but it was brilliant,
the music that he wrote. But if you heard him
playing right now, by himself on his own, you
go, man, that sounds like Styx. That's how good
he is. Like guitarists, guitarists have their
tone, Eddie Van Halen did, you know, Randy Rhoades
did, all of them. The greats had their own tone.
Buddy Holly, you know. Yeah, it took all of them
to put it together. Yes. Yeah. So Dennis DeYoung.
Number four, Keith Emerson of Emerson, Lake,
and Powell and others. He was very, very good.
I mean, I don't know what else to say. Number
three, Richard Tandy of ELO. He doesn't get enough
love. I mean, just like an evil woman. I mean,
all that stuff that he did. I mean, yeah. Richard
Tandy, genius in my opinion. Number two is Don
Airy. And he plays in Deep Purple, which is also
my number one, who played in Deep Purple before
John Lord died. Don Airy was responsible for
Mr. Crowley. And all of these, Diary of a Madman,
all of these classic tunes from Ozzy, Don Airy
wrote the keyboards. And did them so well. The
tone and the sound on Mr. Crowley set the whole
song up to be scary and spooky. I mean, he's
a genius. Number one is John Lord. John Lord
was a guitarist. He only played, but he played
an organ. I mean, just, I think anybody that
listened to John Lord and the way that he came
at it with a... Oh, with an orchestration. The
way him and Richie Blackmore worked together
and put the song together was orchestration.
I mean, it was like a song put into a song. Amazing
work. So Don Aries is close for a second, and
then John Lord is number one. So, Rob, we turn
to you. All right. Well, most of my list goes
right in there with you, but my number seven
goes a totally different direction. Okay. My
number seven is Herbie Hancock. I can't argue
with that. He was good. What he did on Beverly
Hills Cop, the soundtrack. Yeah. Shit. Yeah.
And everything else he did. Yeah, he was awesome.
I could not argue with that. Greg Allman. Oh,
yeah. Okay. Yep. I've got to stay on my southern
roots, brother. Oh, he was fucking awesome. Number
five, I'm staying on my southern roots. Okay.
Billy Powell of Leonard Skinner. Another great
one. And you're probably shocked he's that far
down on the list. I really am because, I mean,
I just Freebird. Listen to the... Yeah, I'm interested
in Freebird, but you'll understand my top four.
Okay. Number four, John Lord. Mm -hmm. Yep. Number
three. My number three and my number two are
offbeat for me. My number three is Tom Scholz
from Boston. Very cool. They wouldn't have music
if it wasn't for the keyboard, I believe. No,
I agree. I agree 100%. Number two. Nicky Hopkins
from Steve Miller Band. Interesting. Well, the
space intro and the fly like an eagle. Yeah,
no, I get it. It was Steve Miller's early music.
There was a lot of keyboard in it. It was awesome.
Very cool. And number one, I'm right there with
you, brother. Mr. Don Harry. Yeah. Wow. Mr. Crowley.
Oh, my God. That's Keith O. Yeah. Yeah. And like
I said, he was a very close second. His music
speaks for itself. Oh, I agree. Another interesting
thing I alluded to, I kind of got into, is Don
Airy is now the keyboardist for Deep Purple because
John Lord passed away. And it's just amazing
how Deep Purple had two of the best keyboardists
ever. So, very cool. You know, last night I accidentally
drank a bottle of Invisible Ink. I'm still waiting
to be seen. That was horrible. I know. It was
meant to be horrible. All right. We'll be right
back. To radiation. Watch him glow. Watch Rob
Red jump up 25 feet and grab birds out of thin
air with his mouth. With his mouth! Rob can now
be rented for children's parties and by men's
fellas. That's right. Come on and rent you a
Rob today. That's right. Come by and rent Rob
for a day. A day! Watch Rob consume seven bottles
of night cream and still break dance in New York.
Watch Rob Redd fart down a building. Fart down
a building! Rob Redd assumes no responsibility
whatsoever. He is not a babysitter and he doesn't
give one else a shit about your children. Please
remember to corral every little bastard you have.
Before Rob gets there, and Walt will not put
up with any backtalk, he will promptly get them
in the place. Rob Braddock assumes no responsibility
for anything that could be stolen from his visit.
Rob Braddock has no responsibility whatsoever
in any help him of any situation. Ready to rob
today. Sir, I see your qualifications here. May
I ask some further questions that could help
me determine your employment eligibility? Yes,
sir. I'm ready. Well, as you can see here, we
have a large population of different ethnic backgrounds,
sexuality, and ages. Are you by chance bilingual?
Well, sir, I'm not sure why you need that kind
of information, but, well, it was only one time
in summer camp. I considered it experimental.
Jamar Chase, what in the hell did you say this
time? This idea has worked out so well for you
in the past. Just go ahead, Fat Mouth, one of
the all -time greatest quarterbacks in the league
ever. Your quote was, without Kelsey, Mahomes
is just another Kirk Cousins with a headband.
Well then, Mr. Chase, you should know Kirk Cousins
very well. You and him have the same amount of
rings. You remind us of a little lap dog nipping
at the heels of your daddy. Hey there, Slap Nets.
It's time for the Creeps Music News. Hey, my
little pumpkin seeds. This is Johnny Rohypnol
with your music news. Ozzy Osbourne, in collaboration
with Liquid Death, sold 10 empty crushed ice
tea cans containing his DNA for $450 each. The
cans were part of a promotion called Infinitely
Recyclable Ozzy. They have since sold out. The
cans were sealed in lab jars and contain a sample
of Ozzy's saliva. This is Johnny Rohypnol. That
was your music news. And remember, bar chords
are bullshit. Two Dishbags and Microphone is
the only podcast available anywhere with gusto.
That's right, I said gusto. Gusto is a magical
ingredient in Schlitz beer that makes it so damn
delicious. So enjoy a little gusto with your
podcast today. Now it's time for Pickup Lines
from a Loser. You're pretty and I'm cute. Together
we could be pretty cute. Hi there. This is your
ears. Why are you listening to this garbage?
I thought we were friends. Oh, real quick, Rob,
I want to say this. You know, last time we took
and did that pause because I was going to insert
our newest segment when we start off, the monologue
kickoff. I can't find it. I can't find it anywhere.
This is part of, like, the whole, you know, too
many characters stuff. I looked in there and
I could not find it anywhere. And I'm like, shit.
So I just put it all together and just forgot
about it. I got to make another. I can't even
find the original script. It's here somewhere.
But anyhow. So, Rob, you got something? Can you
tell I'm more rested? Yes. Yes, I can. I'm talking
a little more. I'm a little more alive tonight.
I ain't worked my ass off all day. Yeah, I love
it. I love it. Yeah. No, I can tell because after
work, I can tell you're running on empty. Yeah,
but I do it. I do it. And honestly, while we're
doing it, I feel good doing it. That's my relaxation
time. Nobody's messing with me. Nobody's texting
me, nothing, because everybody knows what I'm
doing. Just leave me the hell alone. I'm not
going to answer. Okay. And I'm tired. But this
week, I'm on vacation. I feel good. I'm rested.
Good. Okay. Good. No, I'm... Yeah, I'm glad you
are. I mean, I understand you being tired and
stuff because I'm like that after work too. I
get it. Alrighty, Rob. Go ahead with whatever
you want to go to. Okay. Well... I'm going to
go into what I was talking to you before the
show. Mm -hmm. I'm going to start up one of...
It's a story I ran across. It's 30 facts from
textbooks that are now outdated. So what I do
on these is I do a few a night, and you'll have
to tune in next time, probably a time after that,
maybe a time after that to get told. Okay, first
up, Pluto is not a planet. Does anyone else remember
when our solar system had nine planets? For decades,
Pluto remained the smallest member of our planetary
family. Then in 2006, astronomers reclassified
Pluto as a dwarf planet. Leaving millions of
us feeling academically betrayed by the universe
itself. Uh -huh. Yeah. I remember that, yeah.
I mean, us growing up, I mean, there's even a
Disney character named after the planet Pluto.
Yeah. Yep. Okay, next. The atom is the smallest
thing in the universe. Our textbooks topically
declared atoms as the smallest particles in the
universe and the fundamental building blocks
of everything. Teachers drew these neat little
diagrams with electrons circling a nucleus, and
we thought that was the end of the story. Today's
physicists have discovered quarks, bosons, leptons.
And a whole zoo of subatomic particles that make
atoms look positively enormous by comparison.
Uh -huh. Okay, next. Uh -huh. This is awesome.
Yeah. Next, there are only three states of matter.
It goes solid, liquid, gas, right? Yep. Not exactly.
I'm glad you said that. That was perfect. Researchers
were busy uncovering plasma, the fourth state
that makes up most of the visible universe. Then
came Bose -Einstein condensates, superfluids,
and other exotic states that would have blown
our teenage minds. Raise your hand if you ever
thought it mattered to get more complicated than
ice smelling in the water. Yep. Yeah. I love
some of the origami's too. That's what I like
about these. It's pretty cool. Okay, number four.
Dinosaurs will cold blood it. Yeah, that's what
I thought. Scientists painted dinosaurs as oversized
lizards, dependent on sunshine to warm their
massive bodies. Modern paleontology tells a dramatically
different story. Many dinosaurs were likely warm
-blooded, active creatures more similar to birds
than crocodiles. Wow. No, I didn't either. So
a lot of them were more like birds. Now, were
some of them? I don't think it says it, though.
Okay, so they're just warm -blooded. Okay. All
right. Wow. if they had hair, they'd be considered
a mammal. Okay, next. You probably heard this
one. Christopher Columbus discovered America.
Generations of students learned about Columbus's
brave journey across unknown seas to discover
a new continent. History textbooks celebrate
1492 as the moment America entered consciousness.
The reality is Columbus never actually set foot
on the mainland in North America. It didn't.
It was south of there. And indigenous people
have been thriving here for thousands of years.
Christopher Columbus was not the first person
in America. I knew that, but I didn't know it
was that drastic that he went to South America.
I did not know. No, no. I learned that years
ago. He ended up down in South America. He did
not land in North America. He ended up on some
island down in South America. Wow. Okay, and
finally for tonight, humans only have five senses.
Yeah. Touch, taste, smell, sight, and hearing.
The famous five that they define human perception
for generations of students. Yeah. Modern neuroscience
reveals we possess at least nine distinct senses.
Nine? Okay. Yeah. Thank God they gave a description
because this... Okay. This is going to be interesting.
Proprioception. Yeah, proprioception. Knowing
where your body parts are. Oh, okay. That's it.
One of the senses. Okay. Equal bryoception balance.
Balance is now one of the senses. Didn't know
that either. Wow. Okay. Did you know your body
constantly monitors internal temperature, blood
pressure, and even the passage of time? No. A
sensory world is far richer than those old diagrams.
Had no idea of that either. Yeah. I'll tell you,
this one's pretty informative. I like this one.
I do too. And we don't have more time. More next
time, boys and girls. That's really cool, man.
Thank you, Rob. I love that. Hopefully you have
a bunch more so we can keep that going for a
while. Oh, there's 30 of these, and I just did
six tonight. Good, good, good, good. Everybody
stay tuned. Yeah, that stuff I love. That's great
subject matter to me. I love it. Rob. There are
client services in Japan that provide many conveniences.
Oddly Central reported on July 15th, but one
of the most popular is called OK Grandma. Through
this service, people can rent a woman between
the ages of 60 and 94 for 3 ,300 yen per hour.
Some of the grannies cook for their clients while
others babysit or employ their beautiful handwriting
skills. So you can have your hired Grammy write
out some thank you notes or a resume. Yeah, well,
probably not a resume, but you know, whatever.
You know, you want your signature a little bit
prettier, you know, for, I don't know, something
that you're mailing in. But that's not just it,
Rob. But wait, there's more. A lady said, I want
to break up with my boyfriend, said one client,
but I can't tell him clearly, so I want my grandmother
to come with me. Another client hired a grandmother
to fill out their family's side of a wedding.
Another one wanted their grandma to come along
just for an extra person to talk to that have
more wisdom than them that live longer. because
this person never had a grandma because their
grandmas passed away before they were around.
This is a big thing in Japan, and they rent them
out. There is 30 of them that this business rents
out, and they are booked up for seven months.
How about that? All right. Yeah. like making
a business just out of nothing, you know. Get
a bunch of old ladies to go, hey, you want to
be a pretend grandma for somebody? Sure, why
not? I'm doing that anyhow, you know. So, all
right. Rob, you got anything or you want to shut
it down? Oh, I got another one here. All right,
go ahead. Weapons. A new horror movie opening
in theaters next week. earned a perfect 100 %
score on Rotten Tomatoes from its first reviews
after the movie's eerie marketing campaign. Okay,
a 100 score on Rotten Tomatoes. That's kind of
hard to get. Yeah, it is. Yeah, it is. Including
a video of more than two hours of surveillance
footage being viral online. Wow. Weapons has
a 100 % on Rock Tomatoes based on its first 11
reviews, meaning all critics so far have given
the movie a positive review. Weapons, which opens
in theaters August 8th, is a horror film about
an entire classroom full of children. There's
she in the middle of the night. Okay. Sorry,
I had to take a break. No, no, that's cool. I'm
trying to figure out how these classroom children
match in the middle of the night, but we'll find
out. Yeah. The movie is written and directed
by Zach Krieger. Bruce Lee wrote and directed
the horror movie Barbarian. 2022, which was also
well received and has a 92 % score on Rockin'
Tomatoes. Weapons stars Josh Brolin as the father
of one of the missing children, and Julia Gardner
as the children's teacher. And like Projected
Weapons, it earned $25 million or more at opening
weekend. Cool. Yeah, that sounds like it's going
to be a good movie. Yeah, I think so too. Very
cool. We need a good horror movie. No, I agree.
100%. Yep. Awesome. I think Josh Brolin or anybody
can do it. I would agree. I'm already interested
in it. That sounds good to me, man. Yep. Yeah.
I need to probably shut this down because I suddenly
have to work tomorrow. So I told you about that
before we started. So anyhow. Like I said, I'm
well rested. Okay, good. Let's see. All right.
If you want to do an extra one this week, let
me know if you're well rested and want to. Honestly,
I'm not. Okay, that's cool. Oh, yeah, that's
right. You're going to go down to Palme d 'Itar.
So, okay, cool. I'm going to go to Palme d 'Itar
and spend the night. Okay, sounds good. Oh, hello,
Albuquerque. We love you. Yes, hello, Albuquerque.
Grandma Opal, glad you're doing better. Glad
you're going to hear us. Glad that Jimmy is such
a good grandson. We need to get some shirts printed
and just send him one. And send Grandma Opal
one, too, of course. So, anyhow, thank you, everybody,
for listening. Good night, assholes. Good night,
assholes. Oh, no. Looks like the show's over,
kids. Mark has explosive diarrhea and can't afford
a wireless mic. Fear not, assholes. They'll be
back invading your ear holes soon.