Hey, you fucking derelicts. It's time for the
Daily Douchebag Pledge. I, Joe or Jane Listener,
hereby promise to download the show. I, Joe or
Jane Listener. Hereby promise to grab other people's
phones, unattended computers, public computers,
and all of my work computers as well and download
the show from there. I, Joe or Jane Listener,
hereby promise to make other people listen. I,
Joe or Jane Listener, will hereby lie to everyone
about how quality the show is. I, Joe or Jane
Listener, promise to make all my family members
listen and recite the daily douchebag pledge.
And finally... I, Joe or Jane Listener, hereby
promise to make the trek to Knobloch, Missouri,
just to have a selfie with the Knobloch sign.
Here at Two Douchebags and a Microphone, we don't
stand behind our journalistic integrity. Go ahead
and assume we got the story wrong. At least we
admit it. Not like all those other guys, we can
and will lie if it makes the story better. Two
Douchebags and a Microphone. And now, Deep Thoughts
with Mark. Hmm. Coffee -flavored water doesn't
sound good. But that's exactly what coffee is.
Hmm. That is weird. Proof that we love you here
at Q -Douche Bates and Microphone Central. Here's
a proof right here. How about the drink of the
week? Hey, my little bacon bits. Didn't you need
to get to Smashville pronto? Did your friends
start without you? We have your solution. Adios,
motherfuckers. Adios, motherfuckers is one stiff
drink. It should be used with caution. One half
ounce of vodka. One half ounce of rum. One half
ounce of tequila. 1 1⁄2 ounce of gin, 1 1⁄2 ounce
of blue curacao, 2 ounces of sweet and sour mix,
Sprite or 7 -Up, use a lemon wedge as a garnish,
and put in a highball glass. Bam! There you go.
The term midget originated in the 19th century
derived from midge, a small insect, plus suffix
et. There you have midge it. Initially, it referred
to a small proportionate person. sometimes used
in entertainment world. However, in association
with freak shows and public displays of people
with dwarfism, led to term becoming widely considered
derogatory and offensive. Today, organizations
like Little People of America advocate the words
removal from common usage with little person
or person with dwarfism being preferred. Like
we give a shit. Hey there, slapmets. It's time
for The Creeps Music News. Hey, my little pumpkin
seeds, this is Johnny Rohypnol with your music
news. During an appearance on July 8th episode
of SiriusXM's Trunk Nation, Tony Omi spoke about
some of his upcoming music -related projects,
including a full -length collection of new material
from legendary Black Sabbath guitarist. Tony
said, as transcribed by Blabbermouth .net, Well,
at the moment, I was doing my own album until
Back to the Beginning event came up, and then
of course I had to stop and concentrate on preparing
for the Sabbath performance. but I'm continuing
next week to try to finish off when I started
with this album. And then who knows what I'm
going to do. It's great, really. Because if something
pops up, I'll do it if I want to do it. Asked
if his upcoming album is a Tony Omi solo record
with guests on it, like he's done before with
the legendary 2000s IOMI, the guitarist responded,
At the moment, no. I've got one singer on it,
which I originally thought of different singers.
But it started off as it was going to be an instrumental
album, and it's gone from that into a full -fledged
Tony Iommi project. But then I thought, oh, wait,
I want to try it with a singer. So that's what
I've been doing. This is Johnny Rohypnol. That
was your music news. And remember, bar chords
are bullshit. Next up, Things Overheard in Hell.
The brand new Charles in Charge reboot is the
only show available. All week. So let me make
sure I have this correct. All the waiting for
Epstein client list. All the promises of justice.
All the huge names that were all over his private
island. Suddenly, there's no client list? It's
a well -known fact. Epstein kept a list of clients.
So Ghislaine Maxwell is rotting in prison and
has no memory of any of her visitors when she
was one of the hosts? You mean to tell me she
cannot spit out a few names? They barter with
every other criminal. Why not her? I'll tell
you why. Because power protects power. That's
why. This bullshit dog and pony show will only
go so far. Promises and convictions turn to dust.
I'll even go one step further. Jeffrey Epstein
is still alive. His death was faked. His friends
made sure of this. The next time you think justice
will be served will be a cold day in hell. Or
just wait until his perverts do kick off. Then
ask them the temperature in hell. This is Joshua
Belmont, your food for thought man on the hustle.
So I just realized a genius that gets absolutely
no credit. His name is Marshall Taylor. He is
credited with the first bag of salad mix that
was bagged and sold. Yesterday was his birthday.
I believe he is still alive. This guy's genius
will never be fully appreciated. Before this
ban, we settled for iceberg lettuce with maybe
a couple of croutons and some cheese. Was Mr.
Taylor satisfied with that? Hell no. He realized
that Billy Americana would never go out and buy
a couple of radishes, a couple of carrots, a
head of purple cabbage, maybe snow peas, and
possibly some cute romaine lettuce for extra
bougie. Mr. Taylor, you should have a national
holiday. Two douchebags and a microphone. My
name is Mark. Oh, I'm here. I'm sorry. I'm here
in Kansas City at the Talk is Cheap studio. Sorry.
Go ahead. I'm sorry. You paused. I thought you
were done. No, I was until I thought about it.
I was like, wait a minute. I didn't say anything
else. It's been a long day. So, please, go ahead.
And I am Rob at the Duck Blind studio. All right.
So. It's only Tuesday. It's already been a long
week, brother. Me too. Me too. I'm going in at
6 a .m. Oh, yeah. Yeah, gotcha. Yeah, not pleasant.
So, yeah, that extra hour means so much in the
morning, doesn't it? Oh, my God, yes. Yeah, people
don't know it unless they actually work it. Oh,
okay. Yeah, we're putting in an hour and a half
overtime a day, but we're putting it all in in
the morning and getting off at regular time.
Yeah, because it's so damn hot. And next week,
hundreds. Oh, yippee, I can't wait. Well, the
only good thing about hundreds is, this is what
I noticed back when I used to work in, you know,
industries similar to yours, you know, construction
and all that. Easier than low 90s. Because 100
degrees always burns off the humidity. Right.
Okay, yeah, you do have a good point. Yeah, but
if you're outside, it's worse. Because that sun
will just murder you. I mean, it takes it right
out of you. But if you're indoors and have a
breeze, you're usually better off than 91 or
92, generally. But this year, I wouldn't guarantee
anything, would you? Good point. Yeah. Anything
can happen this year. Yep. Yep. Well, I got this
new little gag, Rob. One of my favorite things
to do now is I get an internet number like I
do on cruises so I can call back home and not
get charged a mint for it. And what I do is I
have this internet number that I just got, free
number, and I text people in the break room.
I usually do something weird like, did you get
the Sergio Valente trousers yet? A lot of people
don't even know what the hell they are. They
probably look it up afterwards, right? But remember
Sergio Valente, they had the big fancy stuff
all over the pockets. They're really gaudy looking.
Yeah. Yeah. I asked, I won't say who it is, but
I asked this person if they got the Sergio Valente
trousers yet. And they immediately looked at
me. And I said, what? And they said, Sergio Valente,
you're the only asshole that would come up with
that. I was like, oops. Then I looked at him.
I said, I'm a 34 in bell bottoms if you find
him. He walked off. So, hey, you know, the other
ones that, you know, I did something else like,
hey, could you get me that ball over there or
something? You know, something stupid, just dumb
shit, right? They sit there and they look around,
and I look real intently on my phone like I'm
trying to figure out some math or something on
it. I'm going, oh, shit, damn it, and all this
stuff. And they just gloss right over you. They're
just kind of like, oh, Mark's in the middle trying
to figure out something, and he's probably not
smart enough to add it up or something. So I'll
just leave him alone. I'll let him go over there
and just, you know. He's going to need all the
help he can get, so I'm going to leave him alone.
And automatically, I'm off the suspect list.
So anyhow. So they automatically turn, look around,
and go, none of these people are smart enough
to do anything like that. So it's probably someone
I know outside of here. But if I really wanted
to screw with somebody bad, I would turn them
into those timeshare pukes, the ones that guarantee
they can get you out of your timeshare for good.
I'm afraid someone turned me in, and I don't
have a timeshare. I have been getting fucking
plastered with these calls. and I'd answer it
because, you know, I got all that insurance stuff
going on, you know, with Overland Park Police
Department and all that, and there's been a lot
of back and forth. There's a lot of red tape
involved in it. So I'm answering my phone lately,
right? And over half of the time, it's like,
hey, is Mark there? And I'm like, oh, shit, I
don't think this is, you know, someone I need
to talk to, but it might be. I'm like, yeah,
this is him. Hey, where's so -and -so? We can
get you out of your timeshare. I'm like, I got
a huge problem. What? I better go out and buy
a fucking timeshare. What? I don't have a timeshare,
dickhead. It says right. I go, I'm Mark. I should
know if I have a timeshare. I don't have one.
Leave me the hell alone. But, but, no. I don't
care what your paper says. I don't care who came
up with that bullshit. I do not own a timeshare.
Don't call me back. A couple hours later, another
call. And they always do the local calls. Right.
To confuse you. They get a they get the same
prefix or area code. They get the same area code.
You're like, OK, this could be someone I need
to talk to. So you answer it again. Is Mark there?
Yeah, this is him. Just in case, you know, it's
someone needing some information about that whole
deal. Hey, Mark, this is so -and -so. Can you
know you're having problems with your timeshare?
No, don't have one. And it's fucking annoying.
I don't know how you get on that list, but if
you really, really hate somebody, find out how
to get on that list and put their number and
name in it. Because this is ridiculous. And,
you know, I don't know. The only thing I can
think of is I go on vacations a lot. Maybe they
go by that. You know, hey, this guy goes on a
lot of cruises and a lot of vacations. I'll bet
you he has a timeshare somewhere. Nope. That's
why I do go on vacations. I don't have one of
those bullshit timeshares. Yeah, that's the way
you go on cruises because you don't have a timeshare.
You can't afford both. Yeah, yep, exactly. Yeah,
I've never been a believer in timeshares anyhow.
By the way, I bought a timeshare this weekend.
Oh, were you? I did. I bought a timeshare this
last weekend. Oh, you did? Cool. Where at? Yeah,
it's a dome tent. It's a what? Dome tent. I can
get in where I want. Oh, a dome. Yeah, yeah,
yeah. That's a timeshare. It is. It is. And the
cool thing is... I got a 14 -inch air mattress,
too. Oh, yeah. Okay. That's a little 10 -inch.
I spent the extra money and got the 14 -inch.
Hey, you work hard. You need that extra air for
your back, don't you? Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's
cool. Awesome. Well, I'm going camping next weekend.
I'm on a community trip with my cousin. Pay attention
to the weather, Rob, okay? That's all I've got
to say. In light of certain events that have
been going on everywhere, just pay attention
to the weather. We're going to be down at NRO,
so it's like 30 minutes from here, so I could
always jump in the truck and head home. Okay,
good, good, yeah. No, that's cool. I don't know
if I'm going to do this. I'm probably not going
to do this on this podcast. I'm going to keep
a little bit lighthearted, but I'm going to come
up with a segment about the FEMA, how they released,
I don't know, like 10 buildings in that floodplain
and declassified them as floodplain and all those
kids died. I don't know if it's directly, it's
probably not directly related, but it's something
to note going, well, why would you do that? You
know, you're supposed to protect people. This
is all my opinion, right? See what I'm saying,
Rob? You're supposed to protect people. Why would
you just say, oh, okay, it's no longer a floodplain.
Don't worry about it. Then a couple years later,
you know, all these kids die. And people, all
kinds of people died, actually. So, anyhow, we'll
go on here. I hear angels and hearts, Rob. It's
about time. I know. Burger King has announced
a new... A what? Nothing. Burger King has announced
a new barbecue brisket Whopper. Solid. Ooh. Yeah.
It's inspired by good old southern barbecue,
whatever that means. The sandwich will feature
a heap of slow -cooked beef brisket, crispy fried
onions. Oh, yeah. and sweet barbecue sauce atop
the chain's classic Whopper patty with all the
classic toppings. Now, that sounds good to me.
What do you think? That sounds like I have a
trip to Lebanon in my future. I hear angels and
hearts. This is Burger King of Lebanon. Yep,
make sure they have it, because the rollout at
first, I'm not sure if every store gets it at
first. Oh, trust me, I'll call and find out.
I drive all that way. Yeah. If not, just bring
your own brisket and crispy onions and sauce.
So anyhow, the new brisket top Whopper was actually
created due to heavy guest demand as such. Its
launch coincides with the launch of Burger King's
new Whopper by you promotion. Beginning July
15th, anyone will be able to submit ideas for
the next great Whopper. with at least one presumably
chosen and added to the menu. That sounds good.
What would you do? Let me see. What could I put
on a Whopper? Spam Whopper. Are you serious?
Spam Whopper. Yes. I was thinking like smoked
sausage. I know. And onion rings or smoked sausage.
That's a long day, brother. No, it's... That's
fine. Smoked sausage. Zesty, semi -spicy, semi
-hot barbecue sauce. Onion rings. What else?
That would do it right there. I'm good. I can't
get too crazy. I have a GERD. A variation of
the barbecue brisket Whopper was tested in Las
Vegas and Minneapolis in 2023. This version was
called the Bacon Jam Brisket Whopper. It had
a smoky, sweet bacon jam, that sounds good, in
place of the barbecue sauce. One ex -user tried
the original interaction and was not, not interaction,
incarcerated, you know what, forget it, the original
one, and was not impressed. Flavor is so -so,
they wrote. The bacon jam brisket whopper, not
well liked. So we'll see. I mean, to me, I don't
know how they could screw that up. I mean, the
barbecue brisket one. It would be really hard
to screw that up, wouldn't you think? Yeah, it
would be. Okay. Well, on to other things. We
have a Eureka Springs trip coming up mid -August.
This time, let's plan on recording a podcast
from Eureka Springs. I really want to test out
the equipment. Okay. So I think we're going down
there Monday. You know what? I'll get with you.
It's August 19th, whatever day that is. That's
when we're going to go down there. So, I mean,
if you want to do two podcasts that week, that's
fine. If you want to do the one for Tuesday and
switch it out for whenever I go down there, we
can do that. We'll talk about it. But I want
to try this equipment out because I want to get
the remote stuff set up because of this. When
we start going down to the lake house a couple
of times, I want to make sure everything is working
properly, right? And that's when we'll finally
both be together doing a podcast, which I think
would be pretty cool. Yes, it would be. And like
a lot of it is this right here. I mean, you have
to adapt to your surroundings, as we found out
at the city market doing so many ones out there.
There's all kinds of noise, wind factors, everything.
So I want to get there. And like one of the bed
and breakfasts, we're staying at two of them,
two nights at a bed and breakfast, and then the
third night we're staying downtown at the penthouse
suite where we've been. We love it. It's great
at the Flatiron Building when you come in. The
place you love, yeah. Yeah, and I like sitting
out there and just watching everybody walk and
do stupid shit and be drunk and what have you.
It would be relaxing. Oh, it is. It is. So, anyhow,
I'll talk to you more about it a little bit later.
Maybe you can find your way down there or something.
So, anyhow. The unfortunate thing is my vacation
is the last week of this month. Oh, okay. Gotcha.
Yeah. Yeah. Last week of July going into the
first of August. Okay. Well, I'll just send you.
I'm actually taking a week's vacation this year.
Good for you. Good. You need it, man. I need
it. Yeah, I need it. I've been going strong for
too long. Yeah. Yeah, trust me. Like I said,
I'm going to kick it off by going on that commute
trip with my cousins. And then I have another
day road trip that I'll get back to everybody
off. I'm going to go. Okay. Yeah, I'll get back
with everybody on that. It's something I set
up I'm going to be doing. I'm going to do it.
Okay, sounds cool. I love it. You know, I would
have never been able to survive putting in glass
and handrails and running up and down stairs
with glass and all the heavy rails and all that
bullshit and the metal posts and stuff that I
used to put in if I didn't have vacations booked
constantly. I needed something to look forward
to while I'm out there on a job site for 14 hours
sweating ham chunks and putting in these big
pieces of metal and glass. If I didn't do that,
I probably would have went insane. So, dude.
Let's see, I'm one of those. When I'm at work,
I go, go, go, go, go, you know? Oh, me too. And
I'm just, I'm a borderline workaholic. I really
am. Same here. That's most of what I've done
today was work. I also believe you have to have
a family life. You have life outside of work.
I believe in that. You're right. I missed out
on so much of my kids' life because I was working
all the time. Yep, I was out of town so much
for work. I mean, it's really, it kind of sucks
because you see all these birthdays and where's
Mark at? Oh, I don't know. He's in fucking whatever,
Timbuktu somewhere. You know, and, you know,
it really kind of depresses you. It's like, wow,
I don't even want to count up how many of this
and that I missed because I was supposed to be
out of town for three days and I ended up being
a month. So, yeah, you do have to watch. You
have to have a steady balance, and that's where
all these vacations come in. You do. Yeah. If
not, your kids will hold it against you later,
which my kids don't, because they knew that when
I was around, I made up for it. Yeah, yeah, and
that's the only thing you can really do. But,
you know, this is... I was going strong the whole
time. Oh, yeah. And the truth is, I mean, look,
you can have the nicest house in the whole world,
you can have the nicest car in the whole world,
but if you're miserable, you're miserable. Nothing
will help you on that level. The only thing that
can help you on that level is to help yourself,
and that is doing stuff like vacations or stopping
for a minute and admiring the beauty around you.
Yes. I've been doing a lot of that lately. Oh,
it is. The earth is a fantastic, fantastic place.
Not people. The earth. There's a lot of fine
people out there, but there's a lot of idiots,
too. We all know this. But the earth, if you
stop and look and look at all the miracles around
you, it's really kind of, I don't know, humbling.
You know, you go outside and the trees are green
and they're beautiful and they're huge. And I
mean, you know, the grass is beautiful. The flowers
that you put in are blooming. It's really a marvelous
thing. And then I have to deal with insurance
companies, and I forget about all that, and I
get angry. Let's not go there. No, no, no. I'm
not this time. I'm just having a little fun with
it. So, because you have to. Yeah, in other words,
you get brought back to reality. Yeah, you get
brought back to reality quite a bit. And anyhow,
the timeshare idiots. They're brought back to
reality because, like I said, I had to answer
my phone. And here they are. I'm like, I don't
have a time share, you motherfucker. You knuckle
-dragger. Get the fuck out of here. Forget my
phone number. Don't forget about it. At least
throw away your phone so you can't call me. So,
anyhow. So the final night we stay there, I'm
going to be at that Flatiron building. And I
plan on trying a solo cast from there. I want
to try our... podcast from uh the cottage that
we the bed and breakfast that we rented for the
first two nights because behind it has its own
private courtyard right up against a huge cliff
and you know i think that's going to be a great
place to try to have one Because you're going
to hear nature. You're going to hear a little
bit of traffic off in the distance. It isn't
too awful close to the roads or anything. And
there's a lot of nature around us. And it's going
to be really interesting because even if it's
raining, you know, they have tables out there
with umbrellas. And the cliff actually kind of
swings over your patio. And you could probably
go out there without the umbrella anyhow and
not get wet. So it's going to be a pretty interesting
thing. I'll send you pictures, and I'll put them
up on the Douchebags Facebook page, too, so people
can see what I'm doing. So I think it's going
to be a really good gauge doing stuff like this.
And then after that, I've got some ideas that
I'll go over with you about. I mean, we're going
to have to be free a little bit on this. And
I know that you're planning on not working as
much. I'm going to be getting more vacation here
next year. I wouldn't mind doing a road show
somewhere. Going out of town somewhere and doing
a show from there. Go for it, man. Well, that
was the original idea. Topher and I wanted to...
The problem is we weren't independently wealthy.
But we wanted to go to different cities and do
podcasts from different coffee houses. So, anyhow.
But the solo cast, if I do that from the Flatiron
Building, it's going to be pretty neat because,
like I said, it's in downtown Eureka Springs.
There's people all around. There's a Basin Park
right across the road. They play music there.
There's a Basin Park Hotel balcony restaurant,
which you could almost spit on from there, which
is pretty interesting because people don't see
you for some reason over there on your balcony.
They see everything else, but they don't see
you. They're over there chowing down. And it's
funny when finally someone does notice you, it's
kind of like... shit, where'd that guy come from?
I'm sitting out smoking my cigar, just looking
at a meeting and they're like, kind of like,
oh man. So, or, or the one time, um, there's
a room really close. So I could probably spit
on no kitten if I needed to at the basin park
hotel. And the guy was like completely fucking
nude and all white. I mean, he's just like pasty
and he opens up, he opens up his, uh, um, his
blinds. I guess just to see what it's like out
there. And me and him lock eyes. And he was like,
ugh! And I'm like, oh my God, my eyes! He ducked
down and shut those blinds down. It was funnier
than hell. He had no idea there was a balcony
just straight across eye level. I was out there
smoking my cigar. I about fucking swallowed my
cigar. I'm like, ugh! So, anyhow. Okay, so we
were talking about Ozzy last week, right? Yeah.
Okay, well, Jakey Lee... Yeah, yeah, quite a
bit. So, Jakey Lee recalled, he was in a great
mood, and he was like really easy. He was at
ease with his past. I mean, he's always kind
of been, I don't know. Kind of uneasy about everything.
He's kind of hesitant. He went into pretty much
hiding from the music scene for probably 30 years,
right? So, you know, he come out and now he seems
to be at peace. He recalls when Ozzy forgot the
words to War Pigs. He started telling stories
about it and how he used to tune his guitar to
War Pigs because he is a huge Sabbath fan. And
he would listen to War Pigs and he would play
War Pigs. He'd be like, as soon as he hit that
sound that Tony Iommi did, he goes, all right,
that is I'm ready to play. I thought that was
pretty interesting. So early in Lee's career
with Ozzy, still in awe over being on stage with
a legend, the two were on stage mid -performance
of the classic War Pigs. When suddenly Ozzy turned
to him during the first verse and mouthed a panicked
question, he was really caught off guard. Ozzy
asked, what are the lyrics? And Lee said, I don't
know. He didn't want to be wrong and screw up
the song. And I agree with him. You know, you
don't want to say the wrong thing, give him the
wrong lyrics. Then he goes out there and belts
them out. And everyone's like, uh, you know.
So he's like, I don't know. Yeah, if you're going
to forget the lyrics, it's on you, dude. Oh,
I know. I'd be the same way. I'd be like, I can't
remember either, dude. I'm sorry, boss. I don't
know. I'm too busy playing my guitar. Yeah, yeah.
You see this thing in my hand? Yeah, yeah. That's
what I'm doing. I'm not doing, you know, that
microphone. I'm not doing that over there. I'm
doing this right here, okay? So good luck. I'll
be over here. So Ozzy started singing the words
to Old MacDonald. Complete with oink, oink here,
oink, oink there, moo, moo here. And the crowd
went nuts. It went over. Everybody was like,
ah! And they thought it was just Ozzy fucking
around, but it was Ozzy in panic. Not knowing
what the fuck. And Jake was like, you got to
see the interview. Jake was like, oh, my God.
He's asking me the lyrics to War Pigs. I've only
played like 10 shows with the guy. He's a legend.
Tony Iommi, who wrote it, is a legend. And he's
asking me the lyrics. And he's like, I don't
know. I've been the same way. I've been like,
you're on your own. I'm sorry. So, and then finally,
okay, I was up at the city market earlier. I
was having a coffee and right now some stuff,
okay? And I was doing some music research because
I got a couple of Voltarezes coming up. And probably
a Johnny Roe Hypnol, depends on it. Have you
noticed, like, I used the different characters
in different situations, you know? Like Johnny
Rohypnol is the younger, more hip guy. And then
Dash Riptide is kind of like the smooth guy that's
like, yeah, you know. And then Phineas J. Voltarez,
the third, is more of a smooth jazz, calm guy.
So I think it's, well, anyhow, it doesn't matter.
Okay, I went to Carollo's Italian Market to buy
some pizza dough. And they have the best pizza
dough. It comes from Italy. and I'm telling you,
if you want to make a homemade pizza, this is
the best dough around. They import it from Italy.
It's a little pricey, but to me it's worth it.
You make your own, and you have this crust that's
unbelievable that you can't really get over here.
Even at a great pizza joint, you can't really
get crust this good. You have to do it yourself.
Put a little butter on there, and it gets really
crisp. So I was in there buying pizza dough.
Now stay with me here, okay, because I'm going
somewhere with this. You ever hear the term?
gunning down like as in a female? Yeah. Okay.
All right. Well, I kind of just learned it not
too long ago. I was listening to Bubba the Love
Sponge. You know, I listen to the show quite
a bit. I still enjoy it. And they were talking
about the term gunning a woman down. And I guess
it originated in like prisons where like there'd
be a hot female guard or something or maybe one
just in there visiting or something. And I guess,
That look you give them when you're, like, taking
their clothes off and, you know, and maybe they're
doing it a little bit further, like maybe doing
something with themselves, right? They call that
gunning a chick down, okay? So I was there buying
this pizza dough, and I noticed, you know, they
had this good -looking young lady. I mean, I
think she was Italian. And maybe one of the family,
you know, because they have a lot of family there,
I do believe. And I'm buying this pizza dough
from her. And anyhow, I noticed her noticing
me gunning something down. And I looked embarrassed
when she noticed. And she looked embarrassed
for me when she noticed. Because I was gunning
down the lemon cake right behind her. I was sexting
that fucking lemon cake up, dude. I was already
on my FitBite. And she looks at me and she goes,
sir, would you like some lemon cake? And I very
sheepishly with a red face go, no, no, I don't
want any. I got to go. I do, but I don't. I do,
but I don't, yeah. Rob, getting old sucks. Right?
Tell me about it. Yeah. Hot young chick right
in front of me, nice as pie. And I'm looking
at the lemon cake going, mmm, lemon cake. Give
me. Rob, I turn this to you. All right. Darius
Rucker was faced with an unfortunate setback
over the weekend during one of the shows in Atlantic
City, New Jersey. The country music star, 59,
took the stage at Hard Rock Atlantic City on
Saturday, July 12th. But just three songs into
a set, he noticed his voice start to give out.
Uh -oh. Fans captured clips of the singer telling
the crowd, y 'all, I can't sing anymore. I will
play one more song. I promise you we're going
to figure this out. This never happened. I basically
can't sing. I will make this up to you. He then
sang his biggest crossover hit, his 2013 cover
of Wagon Wheel, but required the audience to
help him by singing along before ending the show.
Darius Laird took to social media with a candid
message for his fans sharing on his Instagram
stories. Atlantic City, thank you so much for
coming out Saturday night. I feel awful and I'm
so sorry. I have never lost my voice in all my
years of performing, he continued. And he had
to deliver the unfortunate news that they were
unable to reschedule the performance and it would
instead be canceled. We looked at every option
to reschedule, but unfortunately, it's just not
possible this year. So we're issuing all refunds.
The venue will send details to you directly.
To conclude his message, we thank you so much
for all your kind messages with wishing me well.
Love you all and see you soon. Peace. Darius.
Wow. While the singer is recovering, fans won't
have to wait long to see him back on stage with
his next... The show is scheduled for July 19th
in Hollywood, Florida. Okay, cool. Followed by
another the next day in Tampa. Cool. Well, July
26th, you're supposed to be here in Camden, too.
Oh, yeah, that was our camping theater. You're
not going to that, are you? Eleven days from
today. No, I ain't going. I bought two groups.
Two lower -level tickets, but I ain't going.
Yeah, don't get me started. Okay, no, no, no,
no, no. I was just wanting to make sure. I didn't
know if you decided to go or not. I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to bring it up. I get for breaking
up with somebody. Why don't you go anyhow? I
don't know. Okay. All right. I'm getting... I've
already went and seen Ozark, Mount Daredevil,
and Kentucky Headhunters. I'm... Getting ready
to go see Steve Miller Band. Mm -hmm. I don't
need Darius. Okay. You know what? You're right.
I'm not that big a fan of Darius anyway. I just
bought him forever. Okay. All right. I got you.
Okay. I thought you were a big fan. That's why
I asked. So, okay. No, don't get me wrong. He's
a great singer. He is. He's a great musician,
great singer. Mm -hmm. There's other people I'd
rather see. You know what I mean? Okay. Okay,
gotcha. If I wanted to see Hootie and the Blowfish,
I would have seen them back in the 80s. Yeah,
yeah, yep. Gotcha. 80s, 90s, whatever they were.
90s, I believe. So let it roll. Yeah, 90s. Yeah,
whatever the fuck it was. Right, 90s. But still.
Yeah, something about... Fuck. Yeah, shit. You
know what? It was some of the cheesiest lyrics
ever. I saw the dolphins and they made me cry
or something stupid like that. Yeah. I remember
wanting to take a crowbar to that whole fucking
band when I heard that. They were kind of like
Culture Club. Yeah, yeah. They were. You really
want to hurt me? Yes, we do. Yes. Hang on a minute,
Mr. George. You want to meet Mr. Pipe Wrench?
Okay. I got to admit, though, I like Culture
Club better than Hootie and the Blowfish. I think
I did, too. Yes. Actually, I think I did, too.
At least their songs were a little bit catchy.
I don't know. Okay. All right. Do you want to
come back after break with a few emails? Yeah,
sure. All righty. Why not, right? I'm sure Mitch
has something to say. Oh, you know I love them.
Oh, I know. I mean, they're my favorite part
anymore. Even all the stupid shit you and I come
up with, these things just have a consistency
that are so cool. So, anyhow, we'll be right
back. Have I ever told you about my prank phone
call deal that I used to do? No. Phone booth.
Well, this was the old quick trip in Belvedere,
the one right off the highway, right off of 71
or 49 or whatever, and 155th Street down there
in that little pit there right off the exit ramp.
There used to be a quick trip. And one day I'm
like in there getting a soda or some shit, right?
And I noticed the phone rang. Is this probably
a drug deal or something? Yeah. And some guy
jumps out of his car and starts answering. I'm
like, huh, I didn't know those things had numbers.
Not only did I not know they have numbers, I
didn't realize that people fucking answer them.
Yeah, the idea of calling into a payphone didn't
occur to me until I saw someone do it on a TV
show. I was like, what? You can do that? I thought
it was just one way you got on there and said,
hey, I'm down here at the Quick Trip, man. Whenever
you want to come down, I got the pet cage and
the rubbers. Whatever. So anyhow, so I walk over
there, and I get a pen from the guy on the quick
trip and wrote down the numbers. There was like
three of them, and they're like, you know, in
a little semi -circle. And back in the days,
I mean, like you mentioned the other day, how
nasty that was. Yeah. Some guy would get up there
and start spitting all over the phone, talking,
and then you'd go pick it up right after. Yep.
Jam it right up to the hole in your face that
you eat through. Now when I think about it, I
cringe. So anyhow, it's probably a dirt bag from
Belvedere anyhow with no key. You know, fuck.
So anyhow, I get these numbers down. And anyhow,
one day I'm over at my friend Davey's and we're
bored. And I go, hey man, I got something we
can do. What's that? See these three numbers?
Yeah. They're the number two, the pay phones,
and Belvedere Quick Trip. Oh, really? Let's just
call it and fuck with people. Yeah, sure. Okay.
So, you know, we call up, and the first time,
it took a long time. I don't think anyone was
there. Someone answered, hello. Hey, you know,
this is Payphone. I go, hey, you know, you're
a dickhead. You know, just started screwing with
him. Yeah, you're a piece of shit, man. Hey,
you know who I got right next to me? Who? Your
mom. Ah. You know, people get pissed off. Fuck
you, bitch, and all this stuff. So, anyhow, you
know, we calm up and harass, and people get so
fucking mad. You know, we get them so mad, they
threaten to kill us. They're going to come over
and we're like, well, you're going to kill me
when you don't know where I'm at, bitch. You
know, this is before, this is in. maybe early
90s at the most, late 80s, whatever, somewhere
in that time frame. And, I mean, it was just,
I mean, we had nothing else to do, so we'd call
up and just get people so mad. Davey used to
do this farmer impression. He used to tell a
guy that his fucking goats were in his yard,
and he was mad. Or, your fucking cattle trampled
my fucking sheep, you bitch. I don't have, I
don't have no farm. Yeah, you do, you son of
a bitch. I know this is you, Mr. Johnson. You
get your ass over here, and you get my dead fucking
sheep, and you better fucking bury it. If you
don't, I'm going to come over there, and I'm
going to slap the stupid out of you, and that's
going to take all day because you're pretty fucking
stupid. And he would just keep railing on them,
and the people get so mad and argue about, I
don't have a farm. I ain't got no farm, you dumb
son of a bitch. And he would just keep going,
ain't got no farm, you dumb son of a bitch. And
these people get so mad. So anyhow, one day I'm
over there. I'm like, hmm, you know, it's starting
to get boring. People get mad. Then they hang
up. Then a lot of people just go, ah, fuck you,
you know, and hang up. The smarter ones do. And
although I question them answering a pay phone.
And everyone goes, you know this is a pay phone,
don't you? You know, it's like, okay. I heard
that one before. All right, hang on. Oh, yeah,
you're right. I'm sorry. You know, what do you
do? I noticed there's a White House right behind
there. So anyhow, I'm like, okay, all right.
Everyone always wants to know where I live at.
I guess I'm going to live in that White House
right behind the pay phone. So anyhow, you know,
most people are just kind of like they hang up
and they don't want to go to that White House.
Just one guy. That I was fucking with just constantly.
Hey, you piece of shit, man. Yeah, you just don't
sound right without a dick in your mouth. You
sound completely different. Hey, you ball gargler.
And all this stuff, man. You smell like chode.
And this guy's just getting fucking madder than
ever. I'm going to beat the shit out of you.
Where you at? And I go, you want to know where
I'm at, bitch? Yeah. Now, over there. Look to
your left. Oh, no, no. Not that left. The other
left, moron. Okay, you see that left? Over there?
See that White House? I'm right here, motherfucker.
I'm looking out the window. I'm waiting for your
fucking fat ass to come beat me up. I'm going
to smack the stupid out of you, and I'm going
to do it in front of everybody. I'm going to
call people over to watch me smack the fuck out
of you. And this guy's getting mad. Oh, you son
of a bitch. I'm going to fucking kill you. And
I'm pretty sure the guy went over there. He was
so mad. So he was so mad that he didn't even
completely hang up. I heard it go click and then
it fell on the ground. So he didn't look back
or nothing. And anyhow, I hear a car peeling
out. So I don't know about that guy in that White
House, but I'm pretty sure he got into a pretty
good fight. Yeah. She looked at the police blotter
the next day. Man in White House beaten to death
by outraged ill -billy. There wasn't an internet,
so it was like one of those deals where I had
to wait for one of those little regional magazines,
like the Southside or whatever, the Grandview
Circle or whatever, the Grandview Dick Smack
or whatever. One of those stupid little fucking
mags to come out. Southside idiot, whatever.
So, hey, I never did find out, you know, and
I didn't want to know. I was afraid someone might
have got killed in that whole scuff up, you know,
but, yeah. Could be. It was at the hands of entertainment,
so I justified it. Yeah, yeah. Were you briefly
entertained? Oh, I was entertained for a while.
I mean, especially the guys that just continue
to. get mad and just continue to try to insult
you and one up you without a brain yeah and you
continue like Davey just roll over so many insults
on him and they just keep getting madder and
madder and go oh yeah fuck you oh my god you
got me oh you went to the f -bomb Oh, someone
get me some iced tea. Oh, my God. Oh, the pain.
You know. Anyhow, so the finality was ice calling
down there. And this is later. I got bored with
it. And I went back to it. And this chick answers.
And I started saying something, you know. Just
started blathering some sort of shit to try to
piss her off. She goes, Mark Wallace. Ah. Ah.
Oops. Who is this? This is Danielle. Oh, fuck.
What are you doing calling a pay phone? Long
story. Hey, she busted me. That was the last
time I called. I'm like, fuck, man. That's it,
man. No fun anymore. It's done. Yep. Cancel Christmas.
Yeah. Pharmacy's closed. Two Dishbags and Microphone
is the only podcast available anywhere with gusto.
That's right, I said gusto. Gusto is a magical
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Hey there, slap nuts. It's time for the Creeps
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He really needed the cash. This is Johnny Rohypnol.
That was your music news. And remember, bar chords
are bullshit. Four out of five people surveyed
said that two douchebags in a microphone podcast
are more entertaining than a gum infection. The
fifth one called the cops. And we had to leave.
Yes, it's true. Mark is an old bastard. It's
also true that Mark uses a lot of ibuprofen.
But Mark would like to tell you, if you see any
pictures of him roofing ibuprofen, it's obviously
fake, and you're to take the pictures and tear
them up immediately. Your mama's so fat, she
went out in high heels and struck oil. Introducing
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It looks grim. Is an apocalypse inevitable? We
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have learned Norse code to alert other dwellers
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water or their whereabouts. Hey fellas, remember
to wipe away from the twins. Stay fresh ideas
from the douchebags. Jammed X. What the hell
happened? You were the generation of change.
You never wanted to be one of them. Apathy spoke
for you. Fuck the man. Fuck the system. What
the hell happened? The generation of angst? The
generation of non -compliance? Is now buying
a boat? You're really fed up to kill someone
who dangled a dollar near you? Great job, Xers.
Everything's ruined. Have you ever wondered what
something came about? Have you ever looked at
something and said, Hey, I wonder what the origin
of that is? Well, so have we. That's why we give
you The Origin Of. This is the story of Dr. Pepper.
Originally made in Morrison's Old Corner Drugstore
in Waco, Texas, the drink's unique flavor was
a hit when it was first sold in 1885. Wade Morrison,
the drugstore owner, named it Dr. Pepper after
Dr. Charles Pepper. a virginia doctor who the
father of a girl morrison he was once in love
with you can still go to the dr pepper museum
and still purchase the original formula with
pure artesian well water and pure cane sugar
it's quite a treat if you're into dr pepper Two
douchebags and a microphone on Mark here in the
Kansas City area at the Talk is Cheap studio.
And I am Rob at the beautiful diagonal arm of
Lake of the Ozarks in the Duck Blind studio.
There we go. Oh, did you see the post I did today
about... No, I have not. Okay, Norwegian Cruise
Lines, and this appears to be true. They put
up a notice. At the pizza bar. To not have intercourse
with your pizza. I looked it up. And I guess
a big thing among certain teenagers is food fucking.
And that's where you take your food. And you
have sex with it. Jerk off with it. Whatever
you do. I guess you insert your genitalia into
whatever. A pig in the blanket. Wrap some pizza
around it or something. And you take pictures
and send them to people. And I was just like,
I saw this on a website. I'm like, it can't be
true. I looked it up, and yes, Norwegian does
have signs on certain ships that says, please
do not have sexual intercourse with your pizza.
It is designed for people to eat only. Look at
my Facebook page afterwards and read that thing.
And I'm like, we have pizza fuckers? What the
hell? I can see it. I can see it. Me too. Now,
if I have footage of one, I'm telling you, I'm
sending it to everybody. Dude, check this out.
This guy's fucking his pizza on the Lido deck.
So, anyhow. All right. We're going to emails
here, Rob. I'm looking for a good condition hood
for an AMC Gremlin. Better yet, if you could
find Mark's first car in the scrap heap somewhere,
word was it was last seen in Bernard's junkyard.
You can easily tell it. It has Schaefer beer
cans and night train bottles all over the floorboard,
but no condom wrappers. We all know Mark didn't
get any action. Mitch at the one and only Bernard's
just outside of Hooterville near beautiful Fork
Rock Creek and 291 Highway. He is definitely
from that area. Definitely. Yes, he is. And he
has a great memory. Or he knew me back in the
day. I had a Gremlin. I mentioned this a long
time ago on the podcast. I don't even think it
was me and you. I think it was me and Topher.
And I talked about having a Gremlin, one of the
very first cars I've ever had. And I either knew
him back then when I had the Gremlin, or he remembers
that from the podcast. The night train and the
Schaefer. Schaefer. That was it. Remember? We
used to buy Schaefer. It was really cheap. Yeah.
Yeah. This guy, I think, knows us. He knows us.
Yeah. He knows us. Yeah. I need to know who the
hell this is. I got a feeling he knows me, too.
I think he knows both of us, dude. Bernard's
Junkyard. Yeah. Bernard's. Yeah. Yeah. Over near
Harrisonville. Oh, my God. He called Harrisonville
Hooterville? Bernard's in years. Yeah. This guy,
I'm pretty sure we know him, and he's just having
fun with us. I love him, though. Yeah, I do,
too. Thank you, Mitch. Well, Mitch, I mean, you
got action, but your dog didn't like it, so,
you know. So anyhow, Mitch, keep them coming.
Go ahead and dig it. Go ahead and dig it. Well,
he does to me every time. He does to me every
time. Next one. Hey, Mark, I was looking for
an older episode of your famous payphone pranks.
I cannot find the first three seasons. Would
you be able to tell the story again sometime?
Thanks, Ronnie and Tulsa, the Tulsa King. I'll
tell you what. After these emails, I have that.
I have the whole thing. I have the whole bit.
Topher gave it to me. And let's just pause like
we normally do for commercial. Not commercials.
I wish we had them. For our bits that we put
in. And I'll put in that story. Okay? That sound
good? Yeah, that way you don't have to repeat
it. Exactly. Yeah. I mean, look. Keep a hold
of that. I got a feeling you're going to need
that one for a while. I know. And someone asked
again about the Mad Shitter. They finally quit
asking about Babble Snatch. So, anyhow. The Mad
Shitter, I can tell any time, is real simple.
So, anyhow. Let's see. Rob, we need more of your
tips for life. Come on now. Frida in Osage Beach.
I know there's something going on in Osage Beach.
Frida? I know there's something going on. Frida
was the name of a band and their big hit was
I Know There's Something Going On. Okay. I don't
know if she's trying to be funny or if that's
a hint or something. I don't know. Now, wait
a second. Did you say Frida? Frida. Yes. Okay.
Is that the same one from Sunrise Beach last
week? Oh, okay. Now she's in Osage Beach. Don't
know. It'd be a hell of a coincidence, wouldn't
it? Yeah, it would. It would. Hmm. But, yeah,
this one's got my answers. Is there someone playing
a game on us, maybe? I don't know. I don't know.
No, I don't think it'd be on you. I think it'd
be on me. Exactly, I know. Osage Beach and Sunrise.
Are you sure it was Sunrise's speech that she
was from? Yeah, I thought you said her name was
Frida. Okay, I'll go back and listen to it, but
I think I remember something about it now. I
think you're right. I remember thinking Frida.
Yeah, it was something about the encores. Yeah,
yeah, yeah, yes, yes, yes. Yes, I remember it.
Yeah. Okay, Frida's around there somewhere, but
I'm not sure. She's obviously probably making
up a place where she's at. She's not telling
exactly where she's at. I don't know, but she
definitely got my answers. Or maybe she just
happened to be at each one of these places when
she emailed us. I don't know. Frida, write back.
Let us know a little bit more about yourself,
please. Yeah, yeah. And keep an eye out for the
white Nissan Frontier, the douchebag mobile.
You'll see it. And I want to know if you get
residuals on this song. Normally around Canton
area. There you go. You see it. Hike him down.
Say, hey, Rob, I'm Frida right here. And I will
be at Frankie and Louie's about 2 o 'clock this
coming Saturday. There you go, Frida. But no
loincloth. Sorry. Yeah, no loan call, sorry.
Yeah, yep. I don't feel like going to jail. Yeah,
yep, I got you. Yep. Okay, get a hold of us.
Email us. Get a hold of Rob. He lives down there.
So, anyhow, Freda, or let us know a little bit
more about you or something. So, all right. And
I actually work for a living. I like some of
these people down here. Just like some of the
people up here, yeah. Half of them have a job
and they still don't work for a living. Good
point, good point. Yeah, we got some of them
here too. No, quite a few people like that. Alright.
Rob, do you really have a wooden leg or is that
just a gag? Richard and Denton. Okay, that was
a gag. Oh, did we? I do not. Did you say something
like that? No, wasn't it when the parakeet or
whatever attacked you or something? Okay, I'm
slow, Rob. Okay. I think so. I don't know. But
no, I do not have a wooden leg. Richard, no,
he did not get his penis bit off by a parakeet.
That was a gag. Oh, yeah, his penis. Wooden leg.
Yeah, I don't know where you got a wooden leg,
but no, I don't have a wooden leg. These emails,
they just come out of, I don't know. He doesn't
have a wooden leg. Sorry, Richard and Denton.
I mean, yeah, it's stuff like this. I've got
to rush back through all of our episodes real
quick. I don't remember nothing about a wooden
leg. I don't remember ever teasing about it.
I always tease about the loincloth or your nipples
or something. But never, oh well. All right,
we'll get to the bottom of it. Or write us back,
Richard. What do you mean? I mean, did we say
something sometime? Anyhow, okay. Douches, I
would love to have your apple strudel recipe.
Thanks in advance, Kelly. Mine is named Trader
Joe's. Yeah, that's my recipe. You were up. At
mine, chop up some apples and throw some strudel
on top. Rob's awesome. That's all I got. There
you go. Rob likes the natural strudel. Maybe
a little cinnamon for taste. There you go. Rob
is a natural strudel guy. He doesn't like all
the gimmicks. He just likes him and his strudel.
Kelly, there you go. And finally. Mark, you're
the sports guy. Do you watch the MLB All -Star
Game? Saul in Greensboro. I know a Saul, but
I don't think this is him. He doesn't live in
Greensboro. No. I find it one of the most boring
fucking things ever. Nope. I don't have enough
time in my life to watch the All -Star Game,
MLB's All -Star Game. Nope. It's almost as bad
as the football game, the Major League football
game. Or not Major League, but the, you know,
the... Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever it is
you call it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Pro Bowl. Yeah, but it's not even a game anymore.
Yeah, yep, yep. It's just as bad as that. Anyhow,
let's go ahead and take our second break, okay?
And I'll do the very first thing I'm going to
do is the segment of the payphone pranks for...
for ronnie and tulsa and also i'd like to preface
it with this i remember um this part was cut
off for some reason i think it just didn't fit
in or something but um i re -listened to it after
ronnie said something i wanted to make sure that
i did have it on here and i do but okay this
whole thing started when i was at the quick trip
the old one that's now not there anymore right
off the highway highway 71 highway right off
the highway off 155th street in uh Kind of Grandview,
Belvedere area. It was in that little lull there.
I was there when the payphone rang. And anyhow,
the guy started talking. Begging with his girlfriend
because evidently he got really fucked up and
banged his girlfriend's mom. And he was there
begging. And I remember being on the other side
of the payphone. And I look over and I'm like,
this guy's playing a joke on me. And no, he was
serious. He was begging to get her back. And
I'm like, hmm. So you can call here. You can
have people call you here. You can answer and
talk. So that's when I dotted down the numbers.
But you'll hear all that here coming right up.
So, all right, we'll be right back. Tomorrow
morning while grinding your coffee beans for
your double mocha latte, remember to not get
your genitals caught in the grinder. It really
hurts. Who can afford plastic surgery? Stay safe,
everyone. Next up, things overheard in tell.
Joe Buck and Troy Aikman are being all televised.
and radio games of the NFL this year. Remember
to bleach your Bluetooth after every show. Sir,
I see your qualifications here. May I ask some
further questions that could help me determine
your employment eligibility? Yes, sir. I'm ready.
Well, as you can see here, we have a large population
of different ethnic backgrounds, sexuality, and
ages. Are you by chance bilingual? Well, sir,
I'm not sure why you need that kind of information,
but, well, it was only one time in summer camp.
I considered it experimental. So, Elon Musk has
a new political party he's trying to form. The
American Party is the name he chose. This country
has to change. There's entities in this country
that make their own rules. The insurance industry
is a corrupt abuser of citizens. I mentioned
last podcast how I was dealing with an insurance
company. So this dumb bitch was looking at her
phone and hit my Jeep in a fucking parking lot.
The bitch's cheap ass cut rate insurance, again,
in my opinion, wouldn't even look at the damages.
They have their boys at the body shop skew everything
towards them. I'm in the middle of reporting
this bitch claim rep and her piece of shit estimator
to the Kansas Board of Insurance. Hang on, though.
This would be a government organization, so nothing
will be done because it's all tied together.
The garbage insurance companies spend on both
sides, D or R, and have things their way by buying
these parasites. A new party is needed badly.
The big two have been doing good cop, bad cop
forever now. I think most people with an ounce
of sense can see this easily. The big two are
crooks that steal and fleece us blind. I have
another great example. Back in 2017, I had an
emergency gallbladder operation. I was in the
ER for hours and eventually admitted to the hospital.
Months later, after I paid off all my portion,
I received an invoice for $75 ,000 in the mail.
This was from the hospital. I immediately called
the insurance company. The representative explained
that the insurance company that I was covered
by had a contract with that particular hospital
and that the fee will be paid to them. On the
gallbladder, surgery is $5 ,000. She said that
is all the insurance company is obligated to
pay per their contract with the medical services
company. If I was uninsured, I would have been
responsible for a little over $80 ,000. That
is criminal. Not everyone has access to medical
coverage. We desperately need a not as corrupt
party. Time to start kicking the ends out. Insurance
companies know that the common ham and egger
cannot fight them. The commoner does not have
the resources to do so. Honestly, people, wake
up. It's showtime here in this country. Answer
the fucking bell. Hey, look. I think we found
land. Oh, my God. I think we're safe. Oh, no.
It's an island of horrible jokes. What do you
call? An angry carrot. A steamed veggie. Hey
there, fuckstick. You're just in time for brand
new feature news nobody gives a shit about. In
Tulipo, Mississippi, a structural steel company
built a small bridge to go over a pothole that
had been on the road for three years. Please
remember to go to Cole's dressing room, wait
five minutes, and scream, Hey, there's no toilet
paper in here! To Douchebags and Microphone,
I'm Mark here in the Kansas City area at the
Talk is Cheap studio. And I am Rob at the beautiful
Vanquil Arm of Lake of the Ozarks in the Duck
Blind studio. All right, Rob, you got something.
I have some ass paddlings after you're done.
Because you notice how many people are fucking
up lately? Yeah. Yeah, it is required now. I
think we're going to have to start doing them
twice a month. There's so many people screwing
up. But Rob, we go to you. All right. former
Mizzou football coach Gary Pinkle can still drive
for now. Okay. Pinkle, 73, was arrested a week
ago in Camden County for driving while intoxicated
and a judge there ordered that his driver's license
be revoked effective July 23rd. Didn't he have
cancer? I think he did. I think that's why he
stepped down. Anyhow, go ahead. Camden County
is where I live. Oh, I know. He got busted down
here. Must have been partying at the lake. But
on Friday, the judge stayed the order, effectively
letting Tinkle continue to drive until at least
a court hearing scheduled for September 25th.
Tinkle's attorney had filed a motion claiming
that Tinkle's arrest was not legal. Mm. Mm. division
championships, three in the Big 12 and two in
the SEC. In 2011, he pleaded guilty to DWI in
Boone County and received two years probation.
He had non -Hodgkin's lymphoma in May of 2015.
He announced his retirement from coaching. after
the 2015 season to focus on his treatment. He
underwent chemotherapy, radiation for his cancer,
and he went into remission in 2016, but the cancer
reoccurred in 2019. Pinkle has continued to receive
treatment and remains positive about his prognosis.
So I guess he still has cancer and he's out there
getting DUIs, okay. Yeah. Okay, all right. I
mean, I guess you... Well, against me, it was
the judge setting to revoke his license on July
23rd. I thought as soon as you got arrested,
you lost your license. Rob, this goes back to
one of my segments that I put up about... Oh,
yes, yes, yes. Never mind. Yeah. Power protects
power. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, he has money. I knew,
yeah. My hand. I knew that. Yeah, yeah. It's
really a pretty big bag of bullshit if you think
about it because there's different rules for
different people. I thought we got away from
England and that whole status stuff. No, it's
still going on. Anyhow, are you ready for some
ass paddlings? Sure. All right. Well, the first
ass paddling, I'm sorry, Rob. I'm sorry, and
I'm sorry, world, but I'm going to have to do
this. Our good buddy Bill Ward of Black Sabbath
is going to have to get an ass paddling. You
know why, Rob? Why? He's 76, and he took his
shirt off to drum. That should never happen.
I'm sorry, Rob. Look at the footage. It's his
final concert. But you've got to see him. It
should never happen. Okay, yes. It hurts me to
do this, but I have to. I have to. He has to
learn about his behavior. The only way he's going
to learn about his behavior is to get an ass
paddling with old Sparky. It's his last time
to feel young, though. Okay, hang on. Damn it,
I'm going to scratch him off. Okay, Bill Ward,
I'm sorry. Hang on. Okay, Bill Ward has been
spared. It was not a free site. I didn't get
that. It was his last time to feel young. Okay.
Come on. Rob, you have convinced me. I'm sorry,
Bill Ward. See, I've always been the nice guy.
I know, I know, I know. It was hideous, though.
It was. I'm not taking that from you at all.
Okay, all right. He has been granted clemency.
He will not get an ass paddling. Don't do it
again, Bill. Yeah, if you do it again, you're
automatic gas paddling. You're going straight
to Hall of Fame. Yeah, and I'm going a step further.
If Old Sparky is actually still in Cass Midway's
trophy case, we're going to find a way to get
that and use Old Sparky. Just for tradition.
Oh, I guarantee you we can get it. Yeah, we use
a replica of Old Sparky. And if you noticed,
I did not go to the introduction about me and
Topher walking on a beach and hitting the bottle
and all that. Yeah. Yeah. I figure people are
probably getting pretty sick of that by now,
don't you think? Yeah. Okay. Anyhow, we give
out invisible ass paddlings because Topher and
I found a genie in a bottle. We let the genie
out. We thought we got three wishes. He said,
no, one wish, one wish only. And he told us to
make it count. So we chose to turn invisible
once a month. But now we got special permission
for Rob to join us and be invisible and to do
it twice a month, if needed, invisible ass paddlings
to people that need it. And it's done with Old
Sparky Replica. Old Sparky was the paddle that
affected my bottom many times at Cass Midway
growing up. It was not a nice thing. It was not
a nice thing. So, anyhow. And actually, this
last week, we got permission twice to start a
different category. Yes, we did. And I can't
wait for that. I know Rob's got... Yeah, our
community category, I like that. Yeah. Rob's
got pen and paper right now figuring this shit
out. I can tell by the way you asked for that
permission. Yes. All right. The next Ask Paddling
is going to be any couple that named their child
after a serial killer or criminal. Yep. Very
much so. Very much so. All of you, we will find
you and we will bring you to justice. Right,
Rob? Yeah, boy. You cannot hide. We will find
you, and you will be brought to justice for this
atrocity. Next one. It's a little serious, but
it's got to be done. FEMA and Camp Mystic both
get ass paddlings. Yeah. Yeah. I know it's not
funny at all. So, yeah. Okay, we move on. All
the Epstein clients. I believe they received
ass paddlings before, but they're going to get
more. They're in the Hall of Fame, and we have
special permission from the genie to paddle them
daily. Daily. So, the next one. Oh, man, they
like it too much. Yeah, you're right. The government
for protecting. The Epstein clients. Not all
of them are protecting them. There's a lot of
government that wants them revealed. But the
ones that are protecting them, they get ass paddlings.
And they're in the Hall of Fame automatically.
All right. The next one. Now, Rob, this hurts
me. This hurts me. And it's going to hurt you,
too. Okay. But stay calm when I say this. Okay,
Rob? Okay. Take a breath. Taking a breath. Okay.
ACDC. I have no choice. Yeah, after we talk to
her, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to remember
them the way they were. You do. You do. You want
to do that. Do not look it up because I cannot
unsee that video. And I hate myself for watching
it, Rob. All right. Pam Bondi for holding out
on the release of the Epstein client. And I know
I said government, but that was everybody else.
Pam Bondi in particular does not want to let
go of this list. So I think, yeah, and she might
be kind of fun to give an ass paddling to. What
do you think? Oh, yeah, I bet. Yeah. I don't
know. After everything that's happened to her,
she may not be that much fun. Yeah, true. Yeah,
there's going to be some PTSD there. I think
you're right. I think you're right. Oh, yeah,
she'd turn around. Honestly, I don't blame her
for not wanting to let go of him. She lets go
of him. Nobody will ever see him again. Yeah,
maybe so. Okay, all right. Okay, it's still fun
to threaten. Yeah, I know. Okay. You know what?
It's too complex of a subject. It's cool. The
next one is the Federal Reserve. They get an
ass paddling because inflation is way down. And
our president, whether you love him or not, he's
over there begging the Federal Reserve to lower
the interest rate. And they're going, I don't
know. And I got a story on them that it's not
going to be in the regular podcast. So, and then
finally, finally. Dan Bongino. Just because it'd
be hilarious seeing him squirm and yell. Imagine
him getting an ass paddling. He would just flip
out. I mean, he's got that kind of funny looking,
kind of mean looking face anyhow. I mean, look,
I respect him greatly. Everything that he's done
in his life. But it'd be fun to give him an ass
paddling. He'd probably kill me afterwards with
a razor blade or something. Or no, no, his bare
hands. He'd do the old membrane trick. He'd come
up and smack me in the nose with his palm and
shove my membrane way back and kill me. Probably,
right? Probably. Yeah. Dan Bongino, we're only
joking. We're only joking. So, that is the end
of the list. So, Rob, we once again turn to you.
The post -49ers George Kittle gets in the fight
with WWE star appeared first on Clutch Points.
While at the American Century Celebrity Championship,
which is a golf tournament, on Sunday, San Francisco
49ers tight end George Kittle resumed his feud
with WWE superstar The Miz. They met on the links
during the event. Kittle and The Miz exchanged
words. As The Miz gloated towards the crowd,
Kittle tuned up the band, hitting a Shawn Michaels
-like super kick on The Miz. Cool. Yeah, it's
a good kick on the video. Previously, the two
got physical at WrestleMania 39. Kittle jumped
the barricade to hit a clothesline on The Miz
during his match against... Pat McAfee, a fellow
NFL player. Oh, I didn't know Pat McAfee is doing
wrestling now. Oh, he's commentator. Oh, he's
commentator. Okay. Okay, so he just went over
there and kicked it. No, he did have a match
against Miz. He's had a match, maybe a couple
matches against Miz, I think. Okay, because he
does a really good podcast, and I think he's
on SiriusXM2, maybe. Anyhow. Yeah, yeah. Honestly,
he's not too shabby in the ring. Well, he is
a football player. He is a kicker, but he's still,
you know. Eventually, Kittle will retire from
playing football. He is already heading into
his ninth year in the NFL, and he's still at
the top of his game. Still, Father Time is undefeated.
Kittle will eventually hang it up. After that,
he seems open to potentially join WWE. He previously
said that he would love to do WWE after hanging
up the cleats. I think there's definitely an
opportunity within that world, and I would love
nothing more than to be part of it, he explained.
My only question mark is that I love being a
fan of WWE. I would only do WWE. If I bought
a ring and practiced my ass off for a long time,
so I wouldn't look like an idiot out there. He
would do good, I think. He's an interesting looking
guy. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, I think
he would do. He's tall. He's got a good build.
I think he would be an excellent fit. Oh, I seen
that clothesline he put on the Miz. That was
a top -notch clothesline. And then this super
kid, yeah, he just flat out put him down right
there on the golf course. Nice. Yeah. I'm going
to have to look that up on YouTube. I want to
see that. You can watch it on X or it's on NBC
Sports. Oh, okay. All right. On YouTube also.
I guarantee it's on YouTube. Oh, yeah, yeah,
I'll find it. He's really good friends with a
lot of the Chiefs, too. He got in a little bit
of shit, though, during the Super Bowl, the second
one against the 49ers. Him and Karloftis were
bullshitting each other about their names because
both of them are George. And Karloftis noticed
that the ball came loose while Kittle was messing
with him. And Karloff just got the ball and Kittle
stood there while he was talking. And a lot of
people blamed him for the loss, but it was not
his fault. So, anyhow. All right. You want to,
let's see. Okay, I got one here I'm going to
go into because I had a little piece. On inflation
and as a comparative, like a Big Mac in 1990
as compared to the cost now, a house, all that
stuff. But you know what? We've been hitting
serious for a while, right? So let's shift back
to goofy stories and dick jokes for a little
bit. You know, we're going to waffle between,
right? Okay. Okay. July 1st, real estate agent
John Boline. of pennsylvania was sentenced to
a one -year probation and a 200 fine he was ordered
to pay close to 60 000 reimbursement to american
airlines the cost to them when they had to cancel
the flight mr bowline was uh scheduled to be
on bowline burst through tsa security and ran
to the boarding area and on to his flight when
the crew were informed a man entered who hadn't
went through security, and they had to cancel
the whole flight, dude. Could you imagine that?
There you are. You go through all that bullshit.
You go through all the TSA, all that waiting.
You get on your flight, and then because some
idiot does something like that, thinks he's special,
he threw $50 at one of the security guards chasing
him, and he said, here, this ought to cover my
expenses. And so, you know, you can't do that.
You've got to go through security. I mean, you
don't have to take your shoes off anymore, buddy.
It wasn't that bad. If you're that worried about
it, either get pre -check or global access. I
suggest global access. You're right through in
like 10 minutes at the most with global access.
So anyhow, you know, and also another thing,
while this idiot's doing this, I hope passengers
also sue him besides the airline. You know, the
airline won 60 grand from him, but because some
might have missed weddings, events, vacations.
You know, maybe a relative dying. Maybe you got
a great aunt in Connecticut you want to go say
goodbye to. You miss that flight and she dies
because you couldn't make it there on time because
your flight was canceled because this idiot thought
he could run through security and throw $50 at
a security guard and run right onto the plane.
I mean, really. I mean, that guy needs a baseball
bat to his fucking head. Yeah. Yeah. So I don't
have any more about that. I just thought that
that was a story that really kind of enraged
me. Because of that guy, I'm sure people missed
major stuff. You know, at least on that plane,
there was at least a couple people really needing
to get to somewhere, whether it's a relative
dying. Business meetings. Yeah, business meetings,
all this stuff. I hope they all sue him because
he was directly responsible by running through
TSA and jumping on his flight. So, anyhow, Rob,
do you want to keep going? It's 9 .09. Yeah,
I got another one here. All right, please go.
A veteran ghost hunter died suddenly while touring
the U .S. with a possessed doll in one of America's
most haunted towns. Okay. Dan Riviera, 54, was
in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania for his Devils on
the Run tour, a chilling cross -country event
featuring the infamous Annabelle doll, when he
was found unresponsive at his hotel Sunday night.
Okay. You ever heard of the Annabelle doll? No,
I haven't. Please go ahead. Okay, well, okay
then. A little bit more and then I'll go into
the antebellum. Okay, that's fine. Emergency
dispatch laws confirmed a CPR in progress call
for a man matching his age, according to the
New England Society for Psychic Research, where
he served as lead investigator. The organization
later confirmed his death, though the cause remains
unknown. Rivera had built a loyal fan base through
his ghost hunting work and viral content, reviving
the eerie legends of Annabelle and other cursed
relics. His final stop in Gettysburg, a Civil
War town, long said to be haunted, was completely
sold out. The Annabelle doll gained notoriety
through paranormal investigators, Ed and Lorraine
Warren. who kept it locked in a glass case in
their private occult museum and famously warned
visitors never to touch it. The couple's work
inspired the Conjuring films and remains central
of modern paranormal lore. Yeah, this Annabelle
doll, it's supposed to be one of the most haunted
dolls. I'm going to have to read up on that.
That's right up my alley. That's stuff I love.
Yeah. The Devil's on a Room Tour during which
the doll was removed. It's sealed case for a
series of public events. Well, this guy took
it out of the case. Oh. The doll's been in a
case. That's on him. And he's been taking it.
And has come under growing scrutiny with fans
fearing its dark energy could be unleashed. Even
the Warren's grandson, Chris McKinnell, spoke
out, telling the Mirror that he respects Annabelle's
power. McKinnell, who grew up around the family's
haunted artifact collection, called it a prison
for dangerous objects. Still, he doesn't believe
Annabelle is demonic. I don't believe it's a
demon, but I do believe it has energy. It's reactive.
Not active. So why doesn't it break out of its
case? It's reactive, not active, we told her.
Okay, so it's not going to get just mischievous
and just jump out of the case like Chucky. It's
reactive to... No, no. Okay, I got you. Right.
It has to be taken out. The Raggedy Ann doll's
paranormal legend dates back to the 1970s when
it was apparently given as a gift to... a nurse
in Hartford, Connecticut, before beginning to
exhibit disturbing behavior. Annabelle was thought
to be possessed by the spirit of a dead child
and was said to move on her own. Leave terrifying
handwritten notes and even allegedly attack someone.
The case caught the attention of the Warrens,
who concluded Annabelle was... being manipulated
by a demonic entity. Due to the popularity of
the story and subsequent film franchise, the
real Annabelle doll was removed from its secure
case and included in the Devils on the Run tour,
which began 3 May. During one of the stops, visitors
claimed that the three -foot -tall doll had vanished
without explanation, sparking a wave of online
panic and conspiracy theories. Tensions escalated
further after a fire broke out at a historic
resort in White Castle, Louisiana, and ten inmates
escaped from a New Orleans prison, all within
days of Annabelle being accepted into state.
Wow. You remember them ten inmates breaking out
of Louisiana prison a while back? Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, this was during that time period. Okay,
that's what I thought you were saying. Yeah.
Okay, wow. I was thinking it was bad mojo off
that. Yeah. So they found him unresponsive. What
was the conclusion? They don't know yet. Oh,
okay. Well, I haven't found a report on it yet.
I'm interested in that. I'm interested in that.
Yeah, because I want to find out why. Yeah, me
too. I mean, you know, it's probably going to
be like an aneurysm or a heart attack or something.
Something that's going to be like, hmm, boy,
that's odd, but something you can't prove. You
know what I mean? 54, yeah. I mean, they always
have to come up with a cause of death. That's
what I'm saying. Right. Yeah. Okay. Wow. That's
a cool story. Thank you, Rob. Do you want to
keep going or do you want to shut it down? If
you got something else, go ahead. I got something.
That's all I have. Okay. You know what? Nah.
I'm going to save this for next time. The reason
is, is because the rest of the stories that I
have don't really match the podcast we're doing
right now. Right. So I'm going to choose to just
go ahead and leave him alone, and we're going
to go ahead and end this bitch. Sound good? All
right. Grandma Opal is... Grandma Opal. She is
doing a little bit better. A little bit better.
Good, good. So hopefully she's in the right direction.
But Jimmy, of course, is still very concerned,
and so are we. So keep praying for her, great
woman. Yes, I will keep praying. Yeah, she has
a variety of things wrong with her. You know,
I mean, that's what you get. So anyhow, Grandma,
I hope you listened to the last episode, and
I hope you listen to this here really soon. And
hopefully we bring a smile to you because you
are our best listener ever, right? Yes, yes.
And Jimmy, too. Yep. Yes. And Jimmy. And Jimmy,
because Jimmy turned his grandma on to us. So,
anyhow, Dodge City, Kansas. Rah, rah. All right.
Everybody, thank you. Have a great night. Thank
you for listening, assholes. Good night, assholes.
Good night, assholes. Oh, no. Looks like the
show's over, kids. Mark has explosive diarrhea
and can't afford a wireless mic. Fear not, assholes.
They'll be back invading your ear holes soon.