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hereby promise to make other people listen. I,
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Listener, promise to make all my family members
listen and recite the daily douchebag pledge.
And finally, I, Joe or Jane Listener, hereby
promise to make the trek to Knobloch, Missouri,
just to have a selfie with the Knobloch sign.
Here at Two Douchebags and a Microphone, we don't
stand behind our journalistic integrity. Go ahead
and assume we got the story wrong. At least we
admit it. Not like all those other guys. We can
and will lie if it makes the story better. Two
douchebags and a microphone. Strange, but true.
In 1903, two unrelated men named Will and William
West, identical in appearance, were both sent
to Leavenworth Prison, causing confusion. This
led to the adoption of fingerprint identification.
Have you ever wondered what something came about?
Have you ever looked at something and said, I
wonder what the origin of that is? Well, so have
we. That's why we give you The Origin of. This
is the origin of the Big Mac. The original Big
Mac sauce was created in 1968 at a McDonald's
in Pittsburgh by a franchise owner named Jim
Delegati. to serve with the Big Mac itself. The
sauce first came in two different flavors, but
then they were ultimately combined by McDonald's
head honcho Ray Kroc in 1972 in order to ensure
consistency. Hey, my fellow heavy breeders, this
is Dash Riptide, your music news. Jakey Lee has
an update on his would -be assassins. The gun
was tied to two previous murders, Jakey Lee shares.
The former Ozzy Osbourne guitarist confirms that
suspects have been caught and will face sentencing
in July. The 68 -year -old guitarist was best
known for his tenure in Ozzy Osbourne between
1982 and 1987. Previously revealed that he was
shot multiple times while walking his dog in
Las Vegas. Now, when a Facebook post shared last
week, Lee says that justice is on the horizon.
The two that shot me have been caught and face
sentencing next month, he writes. The gun was
tied to two previous murders, so my case is almost
an afterthought. They're going bye -bye for a
long time. On that happy thought, see you on
TV. Jakey Lee also chimed in on why he is going
to be a part of Ozzy's farewell performance on
July 5th. Tom Morello called me. He said, there's
going to be a thing, an original Sabbath performance
in Ozzy Osbourne's final performance. I can't
see this going on without Jakey Lee in there
somewhere, he recalls. Lee, who played on hits
like Bark at the Moon and Killer Giants during
his stint with Ozzy Osbourne in the 80s, says
he's excited about the upcoming show, both as
a participant, as an audience member, even if
he hasn't been in contact with Ozzy for years.
It's a thrill to be a part of it, he says, and
even more so for me to watch it. I hope Ozzy
can get through it. I haven't spoke to him or
seen him in decades. I really don't know what
condition he's in, but he deserves a final farewell
performance. No matter how he is or how well
he is singing, he deserves to have that final
farewell. I'm happy to be a part of it. Thank
you, Jake. We appreciate this. This is Gash Rooktine,
and that was your music news. If it's too loud,
you probably have ear damage, just like me. Jam
X. What the hell happened? You were the generation
of change. You never wanted to be one of them.
Apathy spoke for you. Fuck the man. Fuck the
system. What the hell happened? The generation
of angst? The generation of noncompliance? is
now buying a boat? You're really fed up to kill
someone who dangled a dollar near you. Great
job, Xers. Everything's ruined. Remember to bleach
your Bluetooth after every show. Two douchebags
and a microphone. I'm Mark here in the Kansas
City vicinity from the Talk is Cheap Studio.
Like always, I can't talk. Anyhow. And I am Rob
from the beautiful Niagara Arm of Lake of the
Ozarks in the Duck Blind Studio. All right. And
what I was trying to spit out is the Talk is
Cheap Studio here in Kansas City. And here's
the Duck Blind Studio at the beautiful Niagara
Arm of Lake of the Ozarks. So, Rob, I got some
stuff I'd like to go over here and get your comments
on, like always. So, I spoke of this before,
but the guy is doing this again. There's a park
right behind the city market on the hill. And
this guy, he goes around and he plants little
flags and dog shit people neglected to pick up
after their dog pinched a loaf out. They're little
bitty flags. And they're little triangle flags
with a little stick. And on the flag, it reads,
I don't love my city. Do you remember me speaking
about that before? Yeah. Yeah, okay. Well, he's
doing it again. You know, this is cute. It's
catchy. It's a little funny, but it's not a deterrent.
Do you agree? Yeah. That's not going to make
anyone pick up their dog shit. As a matter of
fact, it might make them try to get the dog to
shit a little bit more. So, I was talking to
some locals that live in the lofts right behind
the city park there. And they were talking about
how the guy put in security cameras in the trees
and posted photos of the offenders. Now, this
is perfectly legal, but I'm thinking of this.
I would love to put on a mask of a German Shepherd.
and go around taking dumps in the park. Now,
wouldn't that be funny? Yeah. Yeah, he'd get
these photos of a guy in a German Shepherd mask
taking shits everywhere. I don't know what he'd
do. He'd probably be like, what the hell? He'd
probably just fucking seize up and have a heart
attack. So, anyhow, you know, plus someone out
strolling, they'd see a man -sized stink brick.
Steaming up the turf. Now, wouldn't that be funny?
Someone walking along like, oh, oh my God, look
at that thing. The hell? Are there bears up here
now? Big old fucking stink log just fucking smelling
it up. 95 degree day. I think it'd be funny,
Rob, but I don't know. That's just me, I guess.
So, you know, I mean, someone come up and go,
you know, hey man, you know, what is that? An
Irish wolfhound that love fucking corn? What
the hell's going on here? What is this huge fucking
turd here? How did it get here? I don't know.
I just think it'd be funny. So, I read where
the Pope gets a salary of $32 ,000 per month.
All the living expenses and everything fully
paid. The new Pope Leo is already going on a
six -week vacation in Italy. Castel Gandolfo.
The Vatican has a private resort there. I'm just
floored. I mean, how much vacation does the Pope
get a year? He just started, and he's already
on a six -week hiatus to this Castel di Golfo,
or whatever. The Vatican has a private resort
there. Can you believe that? I mean, what does
the Pope do? I mean, I'm not bagging on Catholic
religion. I'm not bagging on it. I'm just saying,
I mean. Was this guy's day consistent? It has
nothing to do with religion, Mark. Nah, I would
tend to agree with you there. No, once you reach
the top, you get what you want. It don't matter
what you do. Yeah, and you know what? We have
a little I Call Bullshit segment on that too,
don't we? Yeah, we do. Yeah, we do. And I think
it might be in the first segment, but if not,
you'll hear it coming up. And it is a plain and
honest truth as far as we believe. You agree
with it, don't you, Rob? Yeah, I mean, when you
reach the top, which evidently the Pope has done
in his career. Yes. You've got all the benefits
you want. Yeah, you're right. You're right. So.
I mean, now, you know, the Pope, he has such
a great gig, you know, not like the president.
You know, he doesn't have people shooting him.
But I think Pope John Paul II was shot, remember,
a few years back? Yes, he was. Yeah. So they
do get shot at, but presidents are more sought
after for possible assassinations. I was thinking
that, you know, what a great gig. They get all
these benefits, and they don't have to have all
the ugliness of political stuff. I mean, besides
the abortion issue and the gay issue and all
that that the Catholic Church is constantly bickering
about amongst themselves and all that. So besides
that, he really doesn't have, to me, that stressful
of a job like a president does, and he gets treated
better than a president. So I got to looking,
and I thought, you know, well, Pope, He does
have somewhat of an assassination threat, but
not like a president does. So, you want to know
how many murdered popes there were, Rob? How
many? About 20. I'm not joking. I looked this
up, and I'm going to read a few of them right
here. And some of them were back to the old holy
wars and all that stuff and everything. And,
you know, they were murdered by other forces
and all that. These are like actual murders that
happened to popes in the past. So, murdered popes.
And this isn't all of them, like I said. Pope
Pius I, saint. He was murdered. He was crushed
to death. Doesn't say how. Pope John VIII. He
was from 1872 to 1882. He was poisoned and then
clubbed to death. Pope Stephen XI, 896 to 897,
he was strangled. Pope Leo V... Yeah, I know.
Leo V, Pope Leo V, 903 was the year, allegedly
strangled. Pope X, 914 to 928 AD, of course,
allegedly smothered with a pillow. John XII,
955 A .D. to 964 A .D., allegedly murdered by
a jealous husband of the woman who he was in
bed with. There are actually many more violent...
Okay, I understand that one. Yeah, yeah, I get
that one. Rage, yeah, what the fuck. You're the
Pope, what the hell are you doing with my girl?
Yeah, yeah, flipped out. But it does not say
how he was murdered on that one. but there are
actually many more violent poke deaths at the
hands of an enemy. You know, so after I said
all that, I stand corrected. I think the president
might be a more safe gig. What do you think?
Yeah, maybe. Yeah. Well, I say, once again, in
your career, you've got to watch what you do.
Exactly. So here's what I end this with. Enjoy
your vacay, Leo, and watch your back. Jeez. So,
I move on. Something completely different here,
Rob. No, you know, that's what we do. Alright,
so Carnival is pissing off more people, Rob.
Can you believe that? Carnival Cruise? I know,
I know, Rob. I was flabbergasted, whatever the
fuck that means. I was flabbergasted when I heard
the news on this. I'm like, really? This new
bitch in charge is pissing more people off? How
weird. So, the ones that were telling me and
the other Platinum and Diamond members good riddance
and when they fucked us are now getting the shaft.
Ha fucking ha. I had people on there, ha ha,
fuck out of here, older white bastard and all
this. All these fucking horrible comments. And
I'm like, fuck you guys, you know. I can have
fun with you guys too, but obviously you have
a fucking problem with me. You know. So, listen
to this. This is what Carnival did. So Carnival
Cruise Line is under fire again. The dumb bitch
in charge is at it again. This dunce could write
a book, How to Destroy a Brand in One Month or
Less. I said this before. Think Xerox in the
80s. They took a blue chip stock and turned it
into junk in just a few weeks. Well, this wasn't
exactly blue chip, but it wasn't junk. But now
it's looking like it's junk. So the first one
I agree with, all passengers, this is the one
I agree with, all passengers age of 17 or younger
have a curfew on public decks at 1 a .m. 17 -year
-olds should not be public property at 1 a .m.
The parents have to take them out of their, you
know, out of that area and put them where they
need to be for the night. I think 1 a .m. is
generous for 17 and under on a cruise ship. You
know, cruise ships are very dangerous. A lot
of shit happens on them. So, that one I totally
agree with. You know, maybe the parents need
to put down the bottle and fucking take care
of their children at one. And I completely agree
with it. Enough of the free -range kids. You
know, the feral children should not be a thing
on a cruise line ever. So, the cruise line has
allegedly banned the wobble dance. This is supposed
to be an ethnic dance of sort, according to many.
They have also outlawed personal battery -operated
fans. I'm kind of miffed at this one. People
don't like to sweat. These neck -operated fans
help people out, especially heavy sweaters. And
you know what? I sweat. Do you sweat, Rob? I'm
a good sweater. I mean, I can put up a pretty
good sweat. Oh, dude, tell me about it. Yeah.
Yeah, personal neck fan is fantastic. And you're
on a cruise. You're on a vacation. It's not like
you're at work and the fan might be blowing sweat
at a customer or something. Or, you know, you're
welding or something and it could do something.
You know, there's all these other things at work
you could do. But you're on a cruise. You're
on a vacation. What the hell do they care if
you're wearing a personal neck fan to stay cool?
It's 100 degrees outside. You know, sun beating
down on you. You want to be out there. You want
to get a little tan. You want to get a little
drink on. And God forbid, you want a little bit
of a breeze blowing at you. That right there
is dumb. So, and then Carnival has also outlawed
the boots on the ground line dance. African Americans
say they feel targeted by this action. The dance
is considered an urban dance and part of their
culture. The dance has parts where the participants
hit the deck with their shoes or boots, and making
a noise described as clacking. The clacking carnival
has an issue with. So now black people are pissed
off, and so are the older white people because
of the status stealing. I happen to have met
a good amount of older black people that are
platinum and diamond as well. A lot of people
try to say that it's all the older whites, according
to a lot of these idiots online that like to
say stuff like that. I actually know, I mean,
I got to know a lot of older African Americans
that are diamond status. So it's not some sort
of a race thing like some people tried to make
it. So is the carnival dumb bitch in charge a
secret Royal Caribbean agent? She's on a roll.
That's for sure. This reminds me of the Bud Light
fiasco a few years back. You know, she should
be looking employment soon, just like the aforementioned
chick. And I just go into this while I'm there.
Val and I don't give one ounce of shit. Carnival
just made it easier for us to sever all ties,
and we did such. We want to do destinations anyhow.
Cruisers were fun, but we want to get to a resort
for a week and relax. If we ever do get back
to cruising, which we may not, it will not be
with Carnival. I can guarantee you that. Walmart
of the Seas just turned into Goodwill of the
Seas. Everyone, enjoy your 25 -cent ripped -up
Sears Tuffskins. Losers. So, after all that,
we go into this. We spoke about Jakey Lee attending
Back to the Beginning, right, Rob? Last podcast?
Okay. There is now video proof of Jake talking
to Ozzy and Sharon for a decent amount of time.
This now has spread to more speculation of a
possible reunion musically. I would love to see
this happen, but personally, and you tell me
what you think, Rob, I'm not overly excited about
the chances. They haven't spoken over 30 years,
and there's so much mud flinging from Jake to
them and them to Jake. I would love nothing more
than to see this happen, but I would be surprised
if it does. I mean, 30 years, that's a long time
not to speak to somebody. And I remember Jake
saying a lot of stuff. And I'm not saying he
wasn't right. I'm not saying he was wrong. I'm
not saying who's right and who's wrong. But he
said some very direct stuff. He said that they
robbed him of his musical credits. They actively
participated in trying to get him to screw him
out of his royalties. He even said at one point,
I do believe, about... Remember the famous M
&M where I forgot who it was. Was it Biggie Smalls
or somebody like that held M &M outside of a
building about 30 stories up by his feet and
told him if he didn't sign that contract that
he wanted him to sign, he was going to drop him.
and supposedly Eminem did. I believe, and I don't
know if any of that's true. It's just been a
rumor for a long time. I believe Jakey Lee had
an accusation like that against Ozzy and Sharon,
that they did some underhanded stuff like that,
like threaten him or some stuff like that. So
if this reunion happens, I will be very surprised,
but I would love to see it happen. But I was
talking to Davey about this the other day, and
Rob, tell me how you feel about this, okay? Davey
mentioned that Jakey Lee, after he left Ozzy,
went into blues. He doesn't even like that type
of music anymore, supposedly. So if he got back
with Ozzy, it wouldn't be the same stuff. And
I think he's right. I got to thinking about it.
And I remember him, after Davey brought this
up, he did not like the Ultimate Sin album at
all. And that's when he started going more bluesy
and started, you know, going towards the Badlands
stuff. So if he got back with Ozzy, you wouldn't
have the same product, I'm pretty sure. I don't
think he probably even remembers how to write
a song like that now. He progressed. He moved
on. Not saying it's right or wrong, but artists
do that all the time. It's just like Wasp. They
progressed so much, Blackie could never write
another Torture Never Stops album. He could never
write another Last Command album. because they
just can't go back that period of time. Do you
agree with me, Rob? You know what I mean? You
move on in life and you forget. Yeah, it's virtually
impossible to do a lot of the stuff you used
to do because you just don't have the heart in
it. You don't feel the same way. You don't have
the same edge that you did. So I'm kind of like
this. I think Ozzy needs to keep working with
different artists. He had a really good product
with Jeff Beck and Eric Clapton and Elton John.
He had really good product with all of these
guys. So why not just keep building on that?
I mean, yeah, I loved it. I'm very curious to
hear if they could do a good song together, him
and Jake. But I think even if they did, and I
think the odds are slim, but even if they did
get together and do a song, I don't think it
would be that good anyhow because I think Jakey
Lee has moved on so much. And, you know, Ozzy,
he does participate in writing the songs. And,
you know, he comes up with melodies and stuff
like that. He doesn't play an instrument per
se, but his humming and his little tunes that
he comes up with. Or his writing, he just can't
play them, right? That's the way a lot of people
do, you know, writing. Like a guy comes up, I
don't know, a drummer, and goes, hey, listen
to this melody, listen to this little rhythm
I got, and see if you can play it on guitar.
And then, you know, whoever the guitarist is
plays it on guitar, and they go, you know what,
that sounds pretty good. Let's write some lyrics
on it. That's how a lot of it's done. So Ozzy
could add that, but I mean, a lot of that magic
that... that Jakey Lee had, and then there's
producers like Ron Nevison. I forgot who produced
Spark at the Moon. But they're probably not the
same people, even if they would do it nowadays.
So I'm kind of thinking that, like, even if he
did do it, it would probably be not as good as
we would ever think anyhow, or not even close
to it, in my opinion. Rob, what do you think?
No, I agree. I agree. He's older. He's changed
his style. Yeah, I totally agree. Yeah, I mean,
I just... And plus, he had some newer stuff with
the Red Dragon Cartel, Jakey Lee did. And it's
not the same. It's okay. I mean, it's not anything
that I would sought out to go get or run down
to the store and buy the physical copy of. Nothing
like that. As a matter of fact, there's very
few artists that make me do that anymore. They
just, I just think that our generation of artists
or older don't have the same feeling that they
used to. And I don't think they play the same
or write a song the same. And if they do, I think
that it's their style of writing now as opposed
to what it was back then. But most of them don't
even make new music anymore. Let's face it. Most
of them just tour because that's where the money
is anymore. The money is not in physical copies.
Nobody buys them. Everybody buys the online.
They buy the downloads. And most people steal
them anyhow. Anyhow, that's all I got for that.
So, Rob, you got some stuff you want to go into?
Yeah, I do. All right. First off, I want everybody
to keep in your thoughts and prayers the flood
victims and families in Texas. Yes. It was a
major ordeal. Andy Reid is paying for all their
funerals. Did you see that? Yes, I seen that.
Yeah, what a good guy. You know, he had a child
die. I'm sure he felt their pain. Right. And
I have an announcement. Okay. On top of that,
there's going to be a meet and greet if anybody
is interested. Me and the Duke. Yes, my brother
the Duke included. Awesome. He'll be at Frank
N. Louie's on July the 19th between 1 and 2 p
.m. Rob will be wearing his loincloth. No. I
was told no loincloth. Oh, okay. Sorry. They
will not allow me in the building with no loincloth.
I tried, guys. I tried. I've already been told.
Okay. I love it. I've already asked. No, yeah.
The dude called me yesterday and wanted to know
if I wanted to get together with him and another
friend of his and anybody else I want to bring.
I said, well, can we just have a meet and greet?
He said, yeah, why not? So July 19th, we'll be
there between 1 and 2 p .m. at Frankie and Louie's,
Lake of the Ozarks. Cool. Just looking for the
douchebag mobile. And the guy not in a loincloth.
Yes. I tried, guys. I tried to get you your loincloth,
but no. Dude, yeah, that was my first question
to him. I said no. Damn it. Damn it. All right.
You got more, don't you? Okay. Yeah, I have something
else here. Okay. Okay, you know how we covered
the Jack Black video? Yes. Man, that is good.
Dude, it's awesome. And I found out why it's
so awesome. And you hit it halfway on the head.
I found out who these kids were. Okay. Okay.
The Yoyoka Soma on the drums and Hugo Weiss,
who was on the keyboard. You hit it on the head.
They were from the movie School of Rock. Oh,
wow. I just assumed that because that's in the...
And they're 15 years old. Oh, wow. Very cool.
Okay, the next two you need to think about because
I did not think about it when I ripped the names
off. But now that I see it in front of me, yeah.
Okay, the 14 -year -old lead guitarist, Roman
Morello. Tom Morello said? Yes. Oh, ho. Rage
Against the Machine and Audio Slaves, son. I
love Tom Morello. He's the guy that sent the
invitation to Jakey Lee. Right. Yeah. And now
the one that slayed it on bass, Rebel Ian. Scott
Ian? Yes, Scott Ian's 13 -year -old son. Nice.
Nice. Yeah. That's who them kids were. I did
not think about it when I read off the names.
Very cool. Yeah, I was like, because you said
some of us go right. And I got to look at who
these kids were. I'm glad you did. And you were
happily right. Yeah. The drummer and the... He
was from School of Rock. Well, to me, it just
made sense because he did the School of Rock,
and that's what they were basically doing with
School of Rock stuff. So I get it. Very cool.
Even a better gimmick. I mean, that's cool. And
Jack Black, he's so real. Yeah, I got to give
kudos to Jack Black for sounding so much like
Ozzy. I know. He does Dio really well, too. Yeah,
he does. He's awesome. He could go tour him with
a guitarist in a band. And actually, doesn't
he? No, maybe he doesn't. I thought he might
play a little guitar. Well, anyhow, if he does
or not, it doesn't matter. I'm sure he would
want to probably sing. But he could do a tribute
band. I mean, he sounds so much like Ozzy and
he sounds so much like Dio. And then they could
have the goat boy. What's his name? Brian Johnson.
I say do a school rock tour. Yeah. And invite
all these celebrities' kids. I love that, Rob.
He can make a ton of money doing that. He could.
I would go to that, would you? Yeah. That would
be fun. That would be fun to see Tom Morello's
son, Scott Ian's son, maybe Zach Wilde has a
son. I don't know. Let's see what our kids can
do. Yeah. and put him with a front man like Jack
Black, why not? He'd be perfect. He is perfect.
I love him. And the thing is, is he's so real.
He loves his music, and he shows it. I mean,
he fucking eats and sweats it. He loves his music
so much. He loves his music. He loves his comedy.
He loves life. Yeah, yeah. You know? Excellent
dude. I've always liked him. Always liked him.
Excellent. I mean, you know, and he is part of
Tenacious D. I think he does play some guitar.
We will be right back. I think he did on Tenacious
D, actually. The regular Joe Cube public may
believe anything he hears and sees, but not here
at Two Douchebags Microphone. Here at Two Douchebags
Microphone, we question everything. That's why
we have a little segment we'd like to call I
Call Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit.
So let me make sure I have this correct. All
the waiting for Epstein client list. All the
promises of justice. All the huge names that
were all over his private island. Suddenly, there's
no client list. It's a well -known fact that
Epstein kept a list of clients. So Ghislaine
Maxwell is rotting in prison and has no memory
of any of her visitors when she was one of the
hosts? You mean to tell me she cannot spit out
a few names? They barter with every other criminal.
Why not her? I'll tell you why. Because power
protects power. That's why. This bullshit dog
and pony show will only go so far. Promises and
convictions turn to dust. I'll even go one step
further. Jeffrey Epstein is still alive. His
death was faked. His friends made sure of this.
The next time you think justice will be served
will be a cold day in hell. Or just wait until
his perverts do kick off. Then ask them the temperature
in hell. Two douchebags, a microphone, and an
effort to keep everything fresh. We offer you
first world problems. What the hell? Bridge construction?
Shit. I cannot believe I have to repair this
bridge after 50 years. Man, what am I going to
do now? I can't wake up 10 minutes earlier just
to get to work. This is complete bullshit. I'm
going to write my congressman. Introducing Rob
Rad's new book, How to Track Your Enemy by Scent.
That's right, smell your enemy before they get
you. Order this gem now and get a free virtual
tour of Rob's secret bunker in Camderton, Missouri.
Also receive a free copy of his new book, How
to Clean Raw Sewage for Food. Two douchebags
and a microphone, says. You ever dream about
eating chocolate pudding and wake up with a spoon
in your ass? Just asking. And now, Deep Thoughts
with Mark. Hmm, let's see. If I identify as a
dog, and I start wandering around the block without
a collar on, could Animal Control come by and
pick me up? Hmm. I may never know. Hey there,
fuckstick. You're just in time for brand new
feature news nobody gives a shit about. A pet
turtle named Sashi is thought to be the oldest
one in captivity at 120 years old. This is Joshua
Belmont, your food for thought man on The Hustle.
So I just realized a genius that gets absolutely
no credit. His name is Marshall Taylor. He is
credited with the first bag of salad mix that
was bagged and sold. Yesterday. was his birthday.
I believe he is still alive. This guy's genius
will never be fully appreciated. Before this
man, we settled for iceberg lettuce with maybe
a couple of croutons and some cheese. Was Mr.
Taylor satisfied with that? Hell no. He realized
that Billy Americana would never go out and buy
a couple of radishes, a couple of carrots, a
head of purple cabbage, maybe snow peas, and
possibly some cute romaine lettuce for extra
bougie. Mr. Taylor, you should have a national
holiday. Two douchebags and a microphone. I'm
Mark here in Kansas City at the Talk is Cheap
studio. And I am Rob at the beautiful Naival
Arms. There we go. First email. Mark, you're
a loud mouth that likes to hear himself talk.
Wayne and Liberty. Okay. Good thing other people
like... Once again, why are you still listening?
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean, you know, good thing
other people like to hear me talk. Okay, maybe
listening for me, but I'm only... Half the show.
Yeah, they got to go through me just to hear
you, so I don't think that would be very enjoyable.
It would not be worth it. Yeah, yeah. So, I mean,
you know, you know, hate away, keep downloading
and critiquing. I'm really getting a lot of help
out of this, Wayne and Liberty. Thank you so
much, dickhead. All right, Rob. We should start
our own podcast. We can call it the Cass County
Alumni Variety Hour with Mitch and Rob. I have
the first interview set up with Fuckhammer, your
old buddy and bestie Mitch from South Central
Cass County and surrounding rural areas. Rob,
are you going to split off and do another podcast
too? Well, you and Topher did. Okay, there you
go. All right, Mitch, you got yourself a deal
there. I'll have to get with Mitch to let him
know what nights I'm available. There you go,
Mitch. We'll even put it on this platform. How's
that? Is that not great? Is that not good? Yeah,
yeah, yeah. You will officially. I will have
to throw it through this one, and I will throw
this one through that one, you know. Yeah, yeah,
like Topher and I throw that one through this
one. So there you go. Yeah, and one day I will
have that GoDaddy website up. I don't know when,
but one day. So maybe 10 years from now. Okay,
now I asked Ronnie in Tulsa if he's Mitch because
of the related... These two emails that we got
are highly related to each other, and I thought,
what a coincidence. Well, evidently it's a coincidence
because I asked Ronnie straight up about this
because they were like right next to each other
when I printed them out, and you'll see what
I mean. Hey, guys, I'm going to be starting a
podcast of my own. I really feel inspired by
you all. I'm open for suggestions if you have
any. Thank you, my friends, Ronnie and Tulsa,
the Tulsa King. I thought it was a hell of a
coincidence that Mitch is starting a podcast
with you, and then Ronnie is wanting to start
a podcast. I asked him straight up. I said, it's
cool if you're Mitch. You're doing really good
giving us all this material and stuff. He said
he is not Mitch, and it's a coincidence. Wow.
I know. That's what I thought, too. So I believe
him. I think if he was really... Well, Tulsa
King, either way, I will listen to your podcast.
I will, too. I will, too. And my suggestion is,
is whatever your passion is, do that. Do that.
Because Rob and I's passion is like the old form
of radio, the old morning show, the old, you
know, ha -ha and make fun of stuff and be dicks
and dick jokes and fart jokes. That's what Rob
and I like to do. Topher and I like to do sports
and music. So I say go with your passion. What
you feel the strongest about is what you're going
to talk about and what you're going to have more
knowledge about. Rob, you got anything? No, I
totally agree with you. And just from what I've
gathered off Tulsa King, I got a feeling he would
be, A lot like us. I think so, too. He probably
wants to stay away from the politics and religion.
Well, he is very political. Maybe some real life
aspects like we do. He's very political, but
he doesn't bring it on here. I know a lot of
his views. He's told me. Well, he, well, he,
yeah, see, I don't know that part of him. Well.
But if we do get a political show going. I know
who one of our guests will be. That's so funny
you said that, because I already gave him an
invite. I said, when we do, you need to come
on. He said he would. So I just got to get the
Bluetooth thing figured out, and I will. Man,
I think it would be awesome if you had a podcast.
As a matter of fact, I would even make you an
RSS website if you wanted, and you could just
put whatever name you wanted there and have your
own instead of piggybacking off of us. Not that
I wouldn't mind you piggybacking off of us. I
would be honored. Honestly, I imagine, I would
guess that's what he wouldn't want to do. Yeah.
He wouldn't want to do his own. You get your
own recognition. He seems to be that kind of
guy. Yes. You know? Yeah, you're right. And so
I would even set you up with that, or I would
definitely tell you how to do it. I already showed
him the... I'm sorry, the Audiotonic slash Audacity
software that I use and how to use it generally.
He'll catch on. He's a pretty intelligent guy
from what I can gather. So I sent him all that
information in an email. So he's going to be
well on his way. So, yeah. I see it. Right there's
the difference. Come on, man. My buddy Mitch,
he's going to have to piggyback off of us because
he ain't that smart. He won't be able to figure
it out. Oh, no. Mitch? Did you hear that? Sorry,
Mitch, but I don't even know what to do yet.
We would need Mark. Yep. Rob, you'd figure it
out in about 20 minutes. You better start kissing
Mark's ass, Mitch. Yep. Yeah, you better start
being nice to me. I could show Rob really quickly.
To help you, but I won't. Because you hate me.
So, all right. All right, next. Let's see what
kind of email that brings. Yeah, I can't wait.
He's probably already got it written up now,
knowing him. He probably already sent it off.
I'll get off here and go, what the hell? All
right. You're going to have your back. I told
you, I'm here for you. Yeah, there you go, Mitch.
And you go back a lot longer than me and Mitch.
That's right. Yep. What up, Mitch? I'm here for
you too, buddy. But not as much as me, Mitch,
so don't get crazy. All right. Yeah, I used to
eat Mark's Mama's Cook. That's right. Oh, no,
there is no comparison. Yeah, the non -existent
Greek spaghetti, right? No, remember that chick,
whoever she was, wrote in? I crave it all the
time. I wish I could recreate it, dude. I really,
really wish I could, but... Well, her pinch and
a dash, like so many, especially older Mediterranean's,
they're all like that. You know, you go over
to Greece or Italy or something like that, Spain,
their pinch and a dash is an actual measurement
and they all know what it is. They can't... like
show you but they can do it they go oh you need
a pinch what well you made a pinch oh this is
a pinch how do you do that i don't know it's
just a pinch you know that kind of stuff so my
mom can't do it herself yeah she's telling me
a pinch in the dash well any communities like
that yeah i guess so it's probably not just over
there so yeah any communities that way they have
their own measurements So, you know, unfortunately,
that is lost. I've spoken to my relatives. They
don't know that much about it. So, you know,
just it's gone. So try to remember it the best
you can, Rob. I mean, Mom can tell me a pinch
and a dash, but she can't do it herself. You
know, she can't stand up for that long. So, oh,
well, all right. Next one. I download every show
here in Albuquerque. I never hear any love from
your podcast, Jeff, in New Mexico. Okay, I'll
jump on the bandwagon. Okay, hang on, let me
look here. Back in the early 90s, I spent some
time in Albuquerque. I love Albuquerque. My cousin
teaches at the university there in Albuquerque.
Yeah, I'll start giving Albuquerque some love.
And I will, too. I love the airport. I love it
down there. The airport is great. I woke up one
morning. We drove from Kansas City all the way
to Albuquerque one night. It was like a 12, 13
-hour drive. And we get down there, and I just
sleep in the van. Everybody else went to Grandma's
house, which is my ex -wife's grandma's. And
I just crashed in the van. Oh, cool. i woke up
the next morning and i look out i get out of
the van i look up and there are air balloons
everywhere yes we witnessed that yes the air
balloon festival yeah i wake up get out of the
van look up there's 30 air balloons above me
i'm like oh my god what the is this they have
festivals they gotta explain to me what it was
They have festivals all the time. They have the
biggest air balloon festival. Val and I went
to Pocosa Springs, Colorado, and it's in the
southern edge of Colorado. So we flew into Albuquerque,
got a rental, and drove up to Pocosa Springs.
All the way there was hot air balloons. And where
we had our condo at, at Pocosa Springs, hot air
balloons landed just maybe, oh, not even a quarter
mile away. There was a big field. It was cool.
Yeah. Yeah. And also, I love it. If you ever
get a chance, go up in the mountain ranges around
there, too. Yeah, yeah, the San Juan Mountains.
The Sandias and the Jemez, yeah. Yeah, the San
Juans are gorgeous. Oh, I know. And it's very
unique, like Colorado. Their rivers are shallow
and wide, and they don't have a lot of water
in them unless they have runoff from snow in
the mountains. Pretty interesting little thing
they have there. Okay, what was his name, Jeffrey?
Jeff, yeah, yeah, yeah, Jeff in New Mexico. Jeff,
Jeff, thank you. We will start giving Albuquerque
some more love. Yeah, because we do have quite
a few downloads. I don't think it's just Jeff
there listening. There's quite a few downloads
there. So thank you, Jeff. Yeah, I've got a couple
stories about when I went down there. Jeff, write
us back, Jeff. We love Albuquerque. I do. I do,
too. I'm thinking about making another trip.
There's a hell of it. Their airport is so easy
to get in and out of. I just love that thing.
I drive it. 20 minutes. 20 minutes at the most
getting in there and out there through TSA is
amazing. And it's a beautiful airport. I just
shoot across 44 to 35 that turnpike. Yeah. All
the way to Texas, cut over to Albuquerque. Yeah,
yep. Their airport has an aviation museum inside
it, and they have these planes. You know I don't
fly. Oh, okay. I'm a duck with clipped wings.
No, they have these planes hanging up from the
ceiling. It's cool. So, anyhow. Well, are you
ever going to fly, Rob, or do you have any plans
on it or not? No. Okay. I really don't have any
plans on it. If I could drive there, I'll go.
Well, it's like 12 hours, something like that,
10 hours. Yeah, yeah, and I would rather drive
it. Take my time, drive it, see the sights. Yeah.
Which I'll probably drive at night. You know,
you can make better time. A lot of that Texas
country out there all the way through to New
Mexico is a very interesting country. You don't
get countryside like that everywhere. It is a
really good drive. I've driven out that way before.
It's a unique country. Even the boot hill of
Oklahoma is like that, too. Yes, yes. Yeah, very
unique. Oh, I love the sand dunes over there.
Oh, the sand dunes, yeah. Where you take the
rail buggies and four -wheelers, yeah. Yep, unless
you get... Did you remember this back in the
80s when people started first discovering the
sand dunes and running their little buggies in
them? What do they call them? Oh, sure. Dune
buggies. Yeah, okay. Dune buggies. Dune buggies,
pretty much. Yeah, they are dune buggies, actually.
You're right. So a lot of them would jump these
hills and there would be open strip pits on the
other side. You'd never see him again. It happened
all the time. So, anyhow. All right, next. Hey,
Mark, did you see where Carnival crew shot themselves
in the foot again? Peggy in Indianapolis. Yeah,
spoke a lot about that at first. I don't care.
Let them go under. I cannot stand them now, the
way they did me and all these other people. And
they're, in my opinion, they're lying ass excuses.
Say, oh, there's too many people, platinum and
diamond. It's just nothing, you know, it can't
accommodate everybody. Then why do you sell those
privileges to people that don't have them, like
faster to the fund and stuff like that? I could
call bullshit on that one, too. So anyhow, yeah,
screw them. Who cares? Next and final, Clint
eats his own boogers. I saw him at Dollar General
eating away. Rem in Clarksville. I believe it.
What about you? Yeah. Yeah, I believe Clint eats
his own burgers. And Rem, thanks for letting
us know. It does not surprise us. And it's probably
the most nutritious food he's had in years. So,
that is... All of the emails. You got something,
Rob? And then we got Ask Padlins we got to get
to a little bit later. Yeah, I actually do. All
right. There was one that I told you about the
other day, and you sounded excited to hear it,
and I came up with it. Okay. I listen to iHeart
stations all day with commercials. Well, they've
been airing this commercial about a 3 -3 basketball
league. Okay. Okay. Now the basketball season's
over. They have this, what they call Big Three.
It's a three -on -three basketball league founded
by the hip -hop musician and actor Ice Cube.
Oh, really? It's called Ice Cube's Three -on
-Three. Or Big Three, whatever. That sounds interesting.
And entertainment executive Jeff. Watsonets.
The league consists of eight teams whose rosters
include both former NBA players and international
players. The rules of Big Three games contain
deviations from the official rules of three -on
-three basketball as administrated by the FIBA.
It debuted in 2017 and takes place during the
NBA offseason. In January 2020, Big 3 announced
its rule set would be the core of a new basketball
variant called Fireball 3. Okay, yeah. It started
in 2017. I'm just now hearing about it. Me too.
I had no idea. Well, big three basketball games
can be watched on CBS, CBS Sports Network, and
Vice. You can also stream games on Paramount
Plus, Thriller TV, and YouTube TV. Very cool.
And now, I have the name of the teams, which
is what really taught my name. my attention to
this article and you know it yeah okay we have
the boston ball halls okay i get that i like
it that's a good night okay next we have the
chicago triplets That's a good thing. I do too.
Okay, this one kind of fits. Dallas Power. Yeah.
Because they think they have power. Oh. Yeah.
Kind of like the Cowboys. Oh, yeah. Yeah, those
little bitches. Yep. You don't hear so much bragging
about them anymore. Anyhow, go ahead. Right,
right, right. And then we have... the Detroit
Amps. Not bad. Yeah, yeah, probably from Motown,
Amps. Yeah, yeah. Very cool. Yeah, that's why
I took it. Okay. And then we have DMV Trilogy,
which I had to look up to see where DMV was.
DMV is the District of Columbia, Maryland, and
Virginia. Oh, okay. Yeah, Delmarva or something
like that. Yeah. Washington, D .C., Maryland,
and they're based out of Baltimore. Okay. Yeah.
Very fucking cool. And then we have another one
that the name is very fitting. Houston Red Hands.
Oh, okay. Yep. Oil rig. Yeah, yeah. Used to be
Houston Oilers. All right, I get it. I like it.
Very good. The next one, I get it to Miami 305.
That's the area code. Okay, yeah. And for your
18, and this is the one that caught my attention.
L .A. Riot. Seriously, L .A. Riot is the name
of their team. Now we go into discussion. How
are they going to get away with that? I mean...
They shut down Washington because they were called
the Redskins. Yeah. I don't know, Rob. Hey, hey.
Our listeners are coming up out in California,
correct? Yes, very much so. But you're from some
of our California listeners. Yeah, email us.
How do you feel about your three -on -three team
being named L .A. Riot? I want to know. I don't
think. I would not be proud of it. I don't think
they are. I think this is a private organization.
Yeah, yeah, please. Hang on, let me... Give out
the email. Yep, it is 2douches at live... What
now? Hang on. What the hell happened to it? Hang
on. Mail .com. Hang on. You caught me off guard
here. I got it right. Okay. No, I'm trying to
make sure because I had some issues with it.
And I'm changing books. We'll come back to that.
Yeah, we will. Hang on. It's too... Two douches
at mail .com, I do believe. Okay. Yeah. I have
it written down, too, and I keep telling it tonight
for some reason. No, you're right, you're right,
you're right. Okay. Two douches at mail .com.
Okay. Okay. Yes. 2douches at mail .com. Okay.
Got it. I feel much better about myself now.
Okay. Well, we've changed emails so many times.
I know. I know. But then when it was questioned,
all of a sudden my mind went blank. I'm like,
ah. Because it's a new one. Yeah. Yeah. Anyhow.
Okay. I'm glad we got through that. Okay. Let's
take our, yeah, 2douches. at mail .com. Send
us how you feel about the name LA Riots, please.
Please just take a minute out of your day. We
want to hear from you. Yes, we'd love to hear
from you. And also, tell us a little bit about
yourself and what you like about the show. We
would love that. Love that. Let's take our second
break. Come back with some ass paddlings. Oh,
yes. Rob has a couple he wants to get to. He's
just chomping at the bed, aren't you? Yes, I
do. Yep. We will be right back. One you might
have, I don't know. You know what? We can always
both get in on the same ass paddling. It doesn't
matter. All right. We will be right back. Two
tool bags and a socket wrench. We'll be right
back. Hey everybody, this is Uncle Rob. I'm going
to give you some tips for life. This is Uncle
Rob's rules to dick pics. Rule number one, title
of a pic in someone else's name. So if you get
busted, it's not yours. Rule number two, shoot
angles complimentary to your length and girth.
So you want proof that we love you here at QD
Spades and Microphone Central? Here's a proof
right here. How about the drink of the week?
Hey, my little bacon bits. Didn't you need to
get to Smashville pronto? Did your friends start
without you? We have your solution. Adios, motherfuckers.
Adios, motherfuckers is one stiff drink. It should
be used with caution. One half ounce of vodka.
One half ounce of rum. One half ounce of tequila.
1 1⁄2 ounce of gin, 1 1⁄2 ounce of blue curacao,
2 ounces of sweet and sour mix, Sprite or 7 -Up,
use a lemon wedge as a garnish, and put in a
highball glass. Bam! There you go. Next time
you take a dump, listen to two douchebags and
a microphone. It's been proven in laboratory
rats to relax your anal canal. Get in cover.
Hey, if you're a fan of paying way too much for
trinkets and food, Well, your wish is coming
true. Kansas City International Airport Guest
Pass program is starting today. Yes, you too
could overspend on workless trinkets and $15
cups of coffee. You want to buy a $50 cheap t
-shirt that has KC Western Auto Building image
on it? We got you covered. Want a barbecue sauce
gift pack? No problem. Just a mere $40 and you're
first born. Hurry. You know Rubes are jumping
all over to get to this complete ripoff. Because
people are sheep. Miss Gulkenstein was tired
of Mark and Toe for making sport of her. Little
did the douchebags know, Miss Gulkenstein was
a voodoo high priestess when she was younger.
She grew angry and cast a spell on Rob, changing
Rob into a capuchin monkey. Mark took Rob to
a local zoo so he could be with the other monkeys.
Here are the adventures of Rob, the capuchin
monkey. be very quiet we're gonna listen in as
rob the capuchin monkey tries to sell the rest
of the capuchin monkeys amway rob has always
dreamed of becoming a diamond status amway as
a capuchin monkey Little did our hero Rob know.
All the great apes owned stock in Sam's Club
and became violently pissed off when he tried
to infringe on their territory. They promptly
grabbed switches and beat his ass for three days
straight. Rob could not sit down. Hey there,
Corn Flakes. This is Reggie with Ty with your
music news. Whitesnake was forced to cancel European
tour in 2024 due to David Coverdale's reoccurring
respiratory infection. The founder in front of
Anne is better, and the Snakes are set to perform
in Norway at their biggest rock festival this
year. We will keep you posted on any other dates
added to 2025 season. Don't forget, buy one,
get one free. Jeritol when your ticket's done.
This is Reggie Riptide reporting for the Douchebags.
Go on, get the hell out of here. Don't you have
something to do? Jeez. Lazy fucks. And now we
look in on the adventures of the technical explanation
guy. Why, excuse me, my dear chap. Could you
please pass the sodium chloride? Do you mean
the salt? Why, yes. Yes, I do. Then just say
the salt, you dumb motherfucker. Two douchebags
and a microphone operating from Kansas City at
the Talk is Cheap studio. And I am Rob from the
beautiful Niagara Arm of Lake of the Ozarks in
the Duck Prime studio. All right. We have some
ass paddling to get to, right? Rob, I would like
you to go first on your ass paddlings. And I
have like 11 of them. I have quite a few ass
paddlings. Some people really needed it. Well,
I was kind of hoping you'd go first. Oh, you
want me to? Okay. I want to see if you have one
of them on there. Okay. All right. That'll work.
I know the one. I'll bring up the rear. Okay.
I'll bring up the rear. All right. All right.
Rob will bring up the rear. You heard him. All
right. Ass paddling started like this. It started
with Topher and I when we started the podcast.
It's like the fourth episode. We went on a little
vacation, you know, a little douchebags vacation
in Florida. I believe we were in the Destin area.
No, we're in the Clearwater area. We're walking
on a sandy beach. It was morning. The sun was
blowing through our hair. or not the sun. The
wind was blowing through our hair gently and
the sun was rising and you could see the glistening
off of us as we was walking towards the sunshine
on the beach. Two guys can have a tender moment
unlike Rob and the dupe thing that, you know,
that like there's a little bit more going on.
You describe it too well. No, we were just having
a tender moment. You describe it too well. We
were just having a tender moment. We're walking
along and I stepped on something. It hurt like
hell. And I look back and it looked like a genie's
bottle. And Topher goes, haha, it looks like
a genie's bottle. I said, oh, that's not a genie's
bottle. I walk up there and I go, dude, it looks
like a genie's bottle. He's like, no shit. So
I pop it open and this genie comes out. Very
condescending. He hated us. He couldn't stand
us. We were heathens. Topher and I were like,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And, you know, we get
three wishes and the genie rolls his eyes. He
goes, no, you guys watch too much TV. You get
one wish, one wish only, make it count. World
peace, environmental, end to cancer. Make it
good, guys. Come on, do us right. And Topher
and I looked at each other and said, we want
to be invisible one day a month so we can ass
paddle people that need it. The genie rolled
his eyes and he very reluctantly. granted us
that wish. He goes, I have to because you guys
set me free, but I think you guys are idiots,
heathens, and morons, but I have to do it, so
okay. One day a week, you guys get to turn invisible
and paddle somebody, and we use a replica of
Old Sparky, which is sitting, or the last I knew
was sitting in the Cass Midway of Missouri in
Cass County, the Cleveland Freeman Westline District.
They had an old sparky. He met my bottom quite
a few times, and it did not feel good. He had
a very long stalk for extra, extra movement to
where you could really get some lightning going.
And he had holes on the paddle portion of it,
and he was thick. I believe he was maybe hedge.
It was very, very strong wood, and it hurt. So
we're using a replica of Old Sparky because I
believe Old Sparky is still in Cass Midway's
trophy case next to the state championships.
So we went to the genie, and the genie granted
Rob special permission to do this with us. And,
Rob, you thanked the genie. You sent him a pair
of socks, didn't you, that you knitted? Yeah,
yeah. Actually, I talked to the genie today.
We'll get into that a little bit later. Oh, okay.
Okay, good, good. So this ass paddling that's
happening this month actually is a little bit
less than a month. We had so many. Idiots that
highlight their post out of laziness. Go ahead
and interrupt everyone's day by highlighting
someone who wished you a happy birthday instead
of just liking it or saying thank you. Instead,
we have to see this bullshit on our feed. I don't
give a shit about somebody's birthday. I don't
know. I should not have to witness this whenever
I get on fake book. Don't highlight it. That's
lazy. You're an idiot if you do that. Just say
thank you like a normal, decent person does.
All of them. I will second that motion because
I have people highlight me on vehicles and stuff.
Don't you fucking hate that? When this new truck,
you know. Mm -hmm. All right, that's a waste
of my time even looking at this. Yes. So stop
it. You guys are idiots to do that, and you deserve
probably more ass paddlings, but if you just
stop it here, we're willing to overlook all the
other stupid stuff. People that like their own
post, they need an ass paddling. You ever see
someone put something up, and then you see them
like it? Yeah. Yeah. That's bullshit. We know
you like it. You posted it, idiot. We know you
like it. If you didn't like it, you wouldn't
have posted it. So please, dummy, when you post
something, stay away from the like button. All
right. Assholes that don't bother to like a post
they just hijacked from you. Does that not irritate
the shit out of you? They don't even say thank
you. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They share your post,
but they don't, like, give you a like. Yeah,
it's like you, bitch. Asshole. Yeah. Yeah, I
wish there was a you're a fuckhead button. You
better give me my life first before you share
it. Yeah, don't come back a day later and realize
that you didn't. You better have appreciated
what I put up at that moment. And then you can
steal it. But what I do is I always go, hey,
I'm going to steal this. Do you care? And they're
always like, no, go ahead. Common courtesy, folks.
Common courtesy gets you a long ways. Unless
you're dealing with a bullshit insurance company
like I am. I'll go into that probably next podcast.
All right. All the swagger stompers out there,
leave a man and his game the fuck alone. Don't
get in the way. Leave him alone. If he's got
smooth going on, stand back and watch. Watch
in awe. Go help the guy out. You know, go over
and go, hey, man, that chick over there wants
your number. And, you know, nobody knows her.
She's just hot walking down the road. And then,
you know, the guy realizes what you're doing.
You know, you're giving them a salt. And he goes,
oh, she's not my type, but thank you. Yeah, help
a guy out. Prop him up. It'll come back to you
sometime. Swagger stompers are, they are, they're
garbage. They're scum. Don't swag or stomp. Alright.
Anyone who posts a sad post about a popular person
dying only was from five years ago. A perfect
example for this, last ten years, Andy Griffiths
has died due to dumb shitness. Every fucking
year, on that day that he died, someone posts,
oh, sad news out of Mayberry or whatever. Andy
Griffith has passed away at the age of 86 or
whatever, and it's like, he did this 10 years
ago, fuckface. Yeah. Bother to look it up. Someone
duped you, don't try to dupe us. Jeez. And you'll
see it. I mean, I know you notice, Rob, because
you notice stuff like this. But watch it. Watch
someone we'll post probably in the next month,
if not sooner, someone that already died, and
they think they just died. So. I'd call them
out on it. Oh, yeah, or someone. I'd call them
out on it. Oh, that's good. Good. I'm going to
start doing it, too, going, hey, dumb shit. I'd
be the one saying, hey, Andy Griffith died 10
years ago. I'd say, how many times has this guy
got to die? Can't he just go to the afterlife?
Leave him the fuck alone. Oh, anyhow. Yeah, bullshit.
Do your due diligence. Look it up. Before you
post something, make sure it's correct. All right,
next. All two -faced dickheads. Stand up and
say it to who you're speaking about. Everything
else is verbal vomit. That's it. And I'm speaking
to a lot of different people. Probably most of
them don't listen. A couple of them might. You
know who you are. If you don't have enough nutsack
female... Male, whatever. If you don't have enough
fucking nadsickle in you, don't fucking say it.
Say it to the person's face. Get tired of that
shit. Say it to me, not to everybody around me.
And I'm not specifically talking about me. I'm
talking about a lot of people that I hear as
soon as they go around the corner. Oh, that guy's
a fucking idiot. It's like, well, he was right
there. Why don't you tell him? Don't tell me,
chicken shit. All right. All the passive aggressive
slimes. Own your own feelings, you fucking loser.
I hate passive aggressiveness. Hey, what's wrong?
Oh, nothing. Certainly sounds like it. Oh, no,
no, no, nothing's wrong. No, something's wrong.
You're just being a pussy. You won't tell me
so you can go around and fucking grumble about
it and talk about what a dick I am. And I'm not
necessarily talking about me on this one either.
I see a lot of people doing this to a lot of
people. Be a fucking real person. And if you
feel something, say it. Give them a chance to
respond. Don't go around all grudgingly fucking
hemming and hawing and fucking sighing. So, all
right, the next one. One ply toilet paper gets
a smack on its ass, right? Oh, my God. Thank
you. Yes. Oh, fuck, we can't. Oh, it'll break
through. We're going to have to find something
else to do to one. Hey, how about lighting? Seriously,
dude. Seriously, dude. I was in urgent. I heard
here a few weeks ago. Oh, no. Oh, no. Yeah, I
got you. Oh, my God. It's like you might have.
You might as well use your hand. That's basically
what you're doing. Yeah, because, you know, seriously,
the way I've had it. Well, I'm not going to tell
you. Anyway. Okay, you guys get the picture.
Your finger will go through it. Put it that way.
Yes. Next one. You know, I had all this social
media stuff that I was going into, so I decided
to do the last few of them a little bit different.
Gatorade zero powder packets gets an ass paddling
because all the good flavors are spotty and hard
to find. I am a traditionalist, and everybody
my age is too that I know. They don't like the
glacier, cherry, freeze, fucking rah -rah bullshit.
They like orange, lemon -lime. Grape. Grape,
yeah. Cherry. Yeah, cherry. Yeah, they don't
like all that bullshit stuff, all that stuff
that all the kids like. And then all the stuff
they have in the Gatorade packs, which I like
because you can take them in your pocket, go
buy a water and pour it in there and have you
a Gatorade. And I like that stuff much better
than that stuff in the bottles. It's too weak
for me, but they refuse to give us good flavors.
They just have the stuff that like the cool kids
like. So, and right, right, Rob? Right, right.
That's why I buy the bottles. I can get my one
in mine. Oh. Well, I use Zero, and I have to
use a little bit more of it because I don't like
the regular mix. So, anyhow, that's just my own
thing. All right. Clint gets a very rare continuous
24 -7 ass paddling. The genie granted special
treatment for his extreme knuckle dragging. So,
Clint. will, every day of the rest of his life,
unless he ever loses his Narcan, will get an
ass paddling. The time is going to be determined.
It may not be the same time every day, but he
will be getting an ass paddling every day because
the genie took a look at him and said, yes, you
may paddle him every day. So thank you, genie,
even though you hate us. And then finally...
And you're going to hear a bit on this somewhere
on this podcast. Jamar Chase, for mouthing off
about Mahomes again. What a dunce. What an idiot.
He was talking about that earlier. He poked the
bear, poked the bear, poked the bear. Quit fucking
talking about your daddy. It's not nice. You
can't beat him. You can't beat him. It would
be different if you beat him all the time, but
you beat him one fucking time and you guys try
to live off of that. It ain't working. It ain't
working. Go back to drawing board, get better,
and figure out a way to beat him. Otherwise,
shut up. Because he's beat you how many times
since? Yes. And every time it's, oh, it's because
of this, it's because of that, it's because...
No. Listen. Four or five times in a row... is
not just accidents. There's a definite pattern
to it. Yeah. All right, Rob, we turn it to you.
All right. Can I turn it back on? Yeah. Okay.
All right. I'm going to go into the wrestling
world. Sounds good to me. Only because this is
a big one. Okay. Hall of Famer Goldberg made
a surprise appearance to confront world heavyweight
champion Guth one last time before their title
match on WWE Raw. Okay, I didn't watch it, but
I read about it. Yeah, he confronted him on Raw.
Gunther on Monday called Goldberg a coward who
was scared to meet with him face to face. Goldberg
then arrived to the arena in style by driving
in an old school muscle car. Goldberg drove fast
into the parking garage and walked straight to
the ring as the crowd chanted his name. Goldberg
got right into Gunther's face and slapped a microphone
out of his hands before the champ could say anything
else. The Hall of Famer then gave Gunther the
opportunity to punch him once. Gunther obliged,
but Goldberg blocked his attack and delivered
a punch of his own that instantly sent the champ
to the ground. Goldberg sat up in the center
to deliver his patent and spear. Guthrie wisely
exited the ring. The reason why I'm leading up
to this, Guthrie defends his world heavyweight
championship against Goldberg on Saturday night's
main event on July 12th, which could be seen
on NBC or Peacock. Very cool. This could be...
Goldberg's final match? Very easily could be.
And they've been working on this match. I've
been following that. I'm sorry, go ahead. I don't
report on WWE like I used to because I don't
watch it like I used to. Yeah. I'm still interested.
I will still bring stories like this. That's
cool. This is a set match. Yeah. You know me
on my WWE. I do not report the speculation. Rob,
hang on. You had ass paddlings, didn't you? Oh,
yeah. I got those, too. Oh, okay. All right.
I'm sorry. I was excited over Goldberg. I thought
Goldberg was getting an ass paddling for some
reason, but now I realize, okay. No, no, no,
no, no. Okay. I had that story pulled up because
I wanted to get that one out because it's this
Saturday night and we don't record until Sunday.
Okay. Yeah, I do have two ass paddlings of my
own. Okay. And one you did not cover, and I don't
know why you did. Which one did I cover? No,
one you did not cover. The one I figured you
would. Okay. You did not do it. Okay. I want
to ask, Paddle, whoever set the date on the Ozzy
of Black Sabbath concert. Yeah. Could they make
it the weekend before or the weekend after? Fourth
of July weekend is a busy weekend. Because we
talked about how we wanted to, but we had a busy
weekend. I'm sure a lot of people were like that.
Yeah, I'm sure there were too. Do you realize
how much money they lost? Yeah. Having a Fourth
of July weekend in America? It's an American
holiday. Mm -hmm. They lost a lot of money because
everybody had plans. No, I agree. I don't know
anyone that live -streamed it. The weekend before,
the weekend after, you know? That's why I made
a lot more money on it. Oh, I agree. That's why
I live -streamed. I didn't live -stream it. I
was going to just so I, for one, because of this
show. We do a lot of music news on it, and I
wanted to report on more things about it, but
the live -stream was July 5th, like you said.
There's no way in hell I could get away that
much time the day after the holiday weekend.
Saturday of 4 July weekend, you know. Yeah. That's
a good one, Rob. All the people that didn't watch
it because we didn't. They were camping or something.
They were busy spending time with their family
and friends. And sitting at the lake doesn't.
you're not going to want to watch Ozzy's final
concert. As much as you love him, you're at the
lake. Like you said, it was a 12 -hour concert.
Yeah, yes. So, man, that's a good one, Rob. I
can't believe I didn't think of that. You're
right. What was the one that I did cover that
you had already? No, no, that's the one I figured
you would, but you didn't. I know, but you said
you had two, right? Yeah, I have another one.
Oh, you do? Okay. And this is the one that I
had to call the genie to get approved. Okay.
I got us a new category. Okay. For community
ass paddlers. Oh, nice. Nice. Okay. Do tell.
Okay. Genie told me it's up to us to agree on
a name. Okay. For this group. But this is where
you and I and Topher and a whole community where
something happens gets together. Okay. I like
this. I like this. And I explained to Jeannie
why and he totally agreed. He told me to go right
ahead. Was he being a dick to you? Our very first
one in this category. Uh -huh. Very cool. Yeah,
you did. And why I forgot you told me that, I
have no idea. You sent it to me right before
the podcast. I was thinking I covered one of
them for some reason, because I thought you said
one. I figured you would have covered who set
the date on Ozzy and Black Sabbath concert. Yeah,
I got what you're saying now. I had it backwards.
Okay. Officer Fox, I called Jeannie and got approved
of a new category, and this is for communities
to gather in. I like that, Rob. I think that's
a great one. So, yeah. All right. Do you want
to keep going? You're the one that has to work
so early in the morning. I don't have to work
tomorrow, so you tell me. Do we keep going or
not? Yeah, yeah. I'm about done. Okay. Like I
said, I've got to be at work at 6. All right.
All right, brother. Well, thanks for joining
me, like always. And everybody out there, thank
you for listening. Our numbers are fantastic.
We appreciate you. Tell your friends. Spread
the word around, man. I would like to see. We're
growing really good. We always have been. We
would like to see more growth. We would like
to see how big this thing can get before we go
to video. So, yeah, please, if you like it, spread
the word. Play it in front of people until they
start vomiting and then stop. So, anyhow, thank
you. And always remember, reach your Bluetooth.
Yes. Yes. Did I put that one on the last one?
You keep forgetting to remind people of that.
You know what? I've got to look that one up.
I have not done that in a long time, have I?
No. Okay. Yeah, you need to bleach your Bluetooth
after every episode because if not... I think
of it all the time. Yeah, I mean, I forget and
I get this weird fungus on it. It's crazy. Yeah.
Yeah. So, anyhow. Everybody, thank you for listening.
Have a good night, assholes. Good night, assholes.
Oh, no. Looks like the show's over, kids. Mark
has explosive diarrhea and can't afford a wireless
mic. Fear not, assholes. They'll be back invading
your ear holes soon.