Hey, you fucking derelicts. It's time for the
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hereby promise to make other people listen. I,
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Listener, promise to make all my family members
listen and recite the daily douchebag pledge.
And finally, I, Joe or Jane Listener, hereby
promise to make the trek to Knobloch, Missouri,
just to have a selfie with the Knobloch sign.
Here at Two Douchebags and a Microphone, we don't
stand behind our journalistic integrity. Go ahead
and assume we got the story wrong. At least we
admit it. Not like all those other guys. We can
and will lie if it makes the story better. Two
douchebags and a microphone. Hey, my fellow heavy
breathers. This is Dash Riptide. Your music news.
There are reports and rumors circulating about
a potential new Led Zeppelin album release in
2025, possibly including a mix of new and old
material. While the surviving members, Jimmy
Page, Robert Plant, and John Paul Jones, have
reunited in the studio, there's no official confirmation
of the new album release date from the band.
The rumors have been fueled by statements from
band members about working on something very
special. and by speculation surrounding a possible
involvement of Jason Bonham, son of the late
John Bonham on drums. We will keep you informed
with any more details that become available.
This is certainly an interesting story and turn
of events. This is Dash Rooktine, and that was
your music news. If it's too loud, you probably
have ear damage, just like me. Next up, things
overheard in hell. Man, Axl Rose is such a great
childhood therapist. I hope he writes more books.
Oh shit, what's that over there? Oh no, it's
the island of horrible jokes. My hotel tried
to charge me for air conditioning. That's not
cool. Two douchebags, a microphone, and an effort
to keep everything fresh. We offer you first
world problems. Man, my internet is so slow.
This is bullshit. How am I supposed to browse
or get on TikTok with slow internet? I'm so pissed
off right now. I don't know what to do. Hey everybody,
this is Uncle Rob. I'm going to give you some
tips for life. This is Uncle Rob's rules to dick
pics. Rule number one, type of a kick in someone
else's name so if you get busted, it's not yours.
Rule number two, shoot angles complementary to
your length and girth. Rule number four, no propping
of the leg. Absolutely no undercarriage. Very
important. Have you ever wondered what something
came about? Have you ever looked at something
and said, hey, I wonder what the origin of that
is? Well, so have we. That's why we give you
the origin of the origin of Lysol. Lysol first
came to prominence after it was used in Hamburg,
Germany to help combat cholera epidemic in the
late 19th century. It was later touted as a way
to fight the devastating flu epidemic of 1918.
An ad in the Los Angeles Times that year said,
help your health board conquer Spanish influenza
by disinfecting your home. Your mom is so ugly,
her portraits hang themselves. Two douchebags
and microphone. I'm here. My name is Mark. I'm
in the Kansas City area at the Talk is Cheap
studio. All right. It don't get any better than
that. And if you don't believe me, ask me. Go
ahead, Rob. Ask me. No. All right. Okay. So,
is it raining down there? It was supposed to
be raining up here, but it rained just a little
bit. And now they're claiming it's going to rain
tonight. So, we'll see. We'll see what happens.
Honestly, just a few minutes ago, we got a few
sprinkles. But, yeah, we're supposed to get rain
tonight and tomorrow. You guys don't need it
anymore. Just what we need. Just what we need.
Yeah. Yeah, that's true. Yep. Yep. All right.
It'll give people that work on boat docks, it'll
give them extra work, right? Exactly. Yeah. Yeah,
because I guess like Table Rock and Bull Shoals
and Beaver Lake and all of them, a lot of docks
are floating right now. Yeah. So, anyhow, so
have you heard about Ed the Zebra? You've heard
about Ed the Zebra? Oh, oh, oh, no. I thought
you said Impa Zebra. Oh, no, no. No, we're not
getting that dark. Hey, this Bluetooth is kind
of screwing up the hearing here. Yeah, and also
I got to get a Bluetooth here because, you know,
like I said, that one I bought from Amazon is
a piece of garbage. Imagine that. That is so
weird. So, anyhow, Ed the Zebra. Murfreesboro,
Tennessee. Ed the Zebra. Ed the Zebra. Okay,
I got you now. Yeah, not emphysema. Murfreesboro,
Tennessee. This is the southern region of the
Nashville Metroplex. A runaway pet zebra that
was on the loose for more than a week in Tennessee.
He had become an internet sensation and the process
was captured, Sunday authorities said. Ed the
zebra was captured safely after being located
in a pasture near a subdivision in the Christiana
community in central Tennessee. The Rutherford
County Sheriff's Office confirmed the sheriff's
office said aviation crews captured the zebra.
Ed was airlifted and flown by helicopter back
to a waiting animal trailer and the sheriff's
office said in a statement. video posted by the
sheriff's office shows ed wrapped in a net with
his head sticking out and he's carried by a helicopter
to the trailer it it was funny too you got to
look it up online because all you see is you
see this like gunny sack looking thing and you
just see a zebra's head sticking out looking
around and he wasn't freaked out or nothing he's
just kind of like enjoying the ride he's kind
of like huh yeah all right cool that's cool yeah
that's cool Yeah, he was just sitting there looking
around, kind of, you know. I mean, if he had
a cigarette, he would have smoked it, you know.
He was just kind of like, uh -huh, okay, all
right. That's what everything looks like up here.
Cool, cool. And so the sheriff's office posted
the video, and it's pretty cool. And Ed arrived
in Christiana on May 30th, the sheriff's office
said. His owner reported him missing the next
day. The zebra was spotted in film running along
Interstate 24, forcing deputies to shut down
the roadway, but Ed escaped into a wooded area.
They show all kinds of footage of him. He's like
running through yards and hiding behind houses
and all this shit. I mean, he is a clever zebra.
He's cooler than hell. And they call him in a
field in a housing dish. Yes. Dude, just leave
him there. I know that's what I was saying, too.
Yeah, they would love the zebra. Yeah, he'd do
great there. So, the owner obviously doesn't
take good care of him. He lost him, right? Yeah.
Yeah, that's true. Yeah, and the HOA would probably
eventually like him if they have one. So, yeah.
What would be the funniest runaway animal, you
think, Rob? Oh, my God. I'm trying to think here.
I can take the, right off the top of my brain,
I can take the scariest. What's that? A capuchin
monkey. A capuchin monkey, yes. No, no, no. I
would think it would have to be some sort of
a monkey with a sailor's hat on. It should have
to be licensed to have whatever we're thinking.
Okay. I'm thinking it would have to be a monkey.
No, a chimp, not a monkey. It would have to be
a chimp, and he would have to have a sailor's
hat on and little schoolboy shorts, socks that
go up to his ankles, tennis shoes, and let's
see, what else? And a wife be there. Yeah, yeah,
yeah. That would be the funniest. And seeing
him run around trying to evade people. Seeing
people try to catch him. And he'd be running
around. A monkey dressed up like Angus Young.
There you go. I love it. That would be the funniest
runaway. Yeah. Yep. No, the authorities and the
pedestrians both look like clowns trying to capture
this guy. I mean, if you want a good laugh, look
it up. It's pretty funny. So, you know, speaking
of runaway things, I had a runaway pressure washer.
I'm betting the footage on that was pretty entertaining,
Rob. Okay, so the high -pressure hose, you know,
I got a couple of pressure washers now. I told
you last, I believe, last podcast, right? Well,
the high -pressure hose that was screwed onto
the gun of my pressure washer was sitting on
the hot muffler, unnoticed, of course, and it
melted. The pressure was so strong that it caused
the whole machine to lunge forward and chase
me down the stairs of my deck. I'm not kidding
you. This thing went, and all I could hear was
like sizzling because this water's hitting the
muffler, and the fucking thing jumps up in the
air and starts following me down the stairs.
Am I going to have to come up there and teach
you how to use it? I just, you know what, I already
got another hose. I just did not notice that
the high -pressure water hose that connects to
the gun was sitting on the muffler. And, of course,
it melted it, and, of course, the water... Yeah,
yep. And, by the way, you were right about the
low oil issue. I filled both of them up with
oil. Yes. Both of them up with oil, and both
of them started right up. Yeah, that's usually
on... A pressure washer, that's usually what,
they won't start if they're rolling on. See,
that's not common knowledge because I looked
online everywhere and I could not find that.
You're the only person that knew that, that I
know of. I looked on YouTube and all this stuff,
possibilities, you know, troubleshooting, everything.
Nowhere could I find that. You're the only person
that told me that and it worked. And those things
go through gas and oil like nuts. Yeah, they
do. I cannot believe how much gas and oil they
use. I mean, they work great. But they go through.
Anyhow, I mean, I bet you Google Earth has some
really good footage of that fucking power washer
chasing me down the stairs. I might have to look
that up. Yeah, it's probably on Google Earth
right now. They probably got it on fucking Loop.
And they're, like, going, hey, hey, guys, come
here, come here, watch this shit. Look, look,
man, this power washer, like, fucking flips out
and starts chasing this guy. Oh, no way. Oh,
man. I can see, like, everybody, like, eating
popcorn and watching that. So, then on another
note, Val and I are probably not going to Eureka
Springs for a while. They have had historic flooding
down there. The center of town was flooded and
Beaver Lake was so full it almost was breaching
over the dam. Yeah. And they're getting more.
More rain. And Oklahoma's been getting the same
thing. I mean, there's major flooding going all
the way through there. And usually this is about
the time, right, or about, you know, end of June,
July, when the weather starts settling down and
you can go down there and not get, like, softball
-sized hail on the way down, you know. When the
weather starts settling and more of a summer
pattern is about the time we start going there,
you know. And it's a nice little getaway. It's
three and a half hours away, and you're out in
the middle. Well, I mean, you know, there's people
there, but. You're out there in the woods, basically
in the hills, and it's just beautiful. So I think
we're going to have to wait this time. Yeah,
a lot of that. We've been talking about how we've
had a lot of rain here. Most of the rain has
hit south of us, down around Branson. Springfield.
Springfield, yeah. We're just wet. Yeah, the
northeastern Oklahoma all the way down to Oklahoma
City, which is more central. It's just been getting
a shit ton of rain. Oklahoma City, Wichita, Emporia,
Kansas, all of them have seen historic flooding.
Emporia, Kansas received like nine inches of
rain about a week ago. Yeah, and the whole town
was flooded. I used to take care of that always.
Oh, the one in Emporia? Emporia, yeah. Okay,
yeah, the college town. I worked on that college
there for about a week quite a few years ago.
It was interesting because they had everything,
the area that we were working on had like the
black plastic bag stuff, you know, that poly.
your thing that they put over so people can't
see you and they're working and the dust doesn't
hit the students and stuff. I literally could
walk right out of there, walk three steps, and
there's a Starbucks. It was fantastic. I was
just like, oh, my God, I can get coffee all day
long, and I did. Every break I'd go out there.
There was one day I was working at the Aldi's
in Wormsburg, Missouri. Oh, yeah. And my buddy
that I was working for called me. He said, hey,
we have an emergency situation. I need you to
get to Emporia. I said, what? He goes, no, I
need you to get to Emporia now. I said, dude,
I'm getting ready. I was living up around St.
Joe at the time. Oh, shit. Yeah, or a little
bit over, maybe. I had to go. I left Warrensburg
at like 3 .30 and headed to Emporia, which is
like two and a half, three hours one way. Their
emergency was they had a screw sticking up on
their conveyor belt. That was it? Yeah, yeah.
There was a screw sticking up. I get there and
I said, okay, I heard there's an emergency. They,
yeah, we have this screw here. From all the way
back to St. Joe, Missouri. Oh, my gosh. I got
home at like 9, 9 .30 at night. There was not
a manager there that could have been like, oh,
hey, hang on. That's what I'm saying. Oh, my
gosh. That is crazy. No, just screw it. Oh my
gosh, that would be so funny. Yeah. Well, you
know what? Did you get paid overtime? Oh, no.
It was under the table type stuff. Oh, okay.
Okay. All right. Well, you know. Well, I was
subcontracting. Not under the table. Subcontracting.
I paid my taxes. Everything's cool. Okay. Yeah,
so. Now, that's bullshit right there. I mean,
that's a long -ass drive. I've known him longer.
I've known you longer. Wow. Just saying. Okay.
Okay. We're only a few weeks away from... Yeah,
that's him. Okay. Well, I... You know, obviously,
he probably paid you in other ways, too. You
know, like, paid you more on other jobs. I know
how that works. Because of some job, if you're
not making that much money, because I used to
freelance stuff to some jobs, you don't make
very much money. You understand that they're
not going to pay you certain things. But then
later on, when they do really good, they give
you a little gifts. Right. Okay, that type of
thing. Yeah, but he was my brother, you know
what I mean? I gotcha, I gotcha. So you were
there for him, and I get it. Okay. Okay, I got
you. Okay. And 2015 was not too bad of a wage,
I guess, so, okay. Yeah, yeah, I mean, I felt
good about that, but you know what? Everything
I've done for this man should have been making
a hell of a lot more money. Well, you don't work
for him anymore, so I get it. Well, it's kind
of like you and your old job. Yeah. Yeah. Let's
not go there. Yeah, yeah. You know what? I've
said everything I can about them and how I think
about them, and I think everybody knows. I don't
want to get started, so... I got you. I got you.
Let's move on. Okay. We're only a few weeks away
from Ozzy's final show. What would you put the
over -under on? I'm saying, like, out on the
stage. You know, he has Parkinson's in his legs
really bad. He can't walk. I think he's going
to be... Well, he's definitely going to be sitting
on the small. Okay. I guarantee it. I'm going
to give him 20 minutes. I think the bet is under
an hour. And you won't find the bet on MGM or
BetNow or anything. Online gambling services
only is the way you can find it. And not the
traditional ones. Right. So I'm going with under.
I'm going to go 20 minutes. What do you think?
to the show i hope you're right i hope you're
right seriously i mean he knows he knows this
is the last his last time on stage i think he's
gonna stick in it and he's gonna be sitting like
i said okay actually i think i've read reports
it's already been said he's gonna be sitting
in the throne he's only gonna sing like three
or four songs but he's gonna be out there Okay,
kind of like he did when he was in... Oh, go
ahead. No, no, I was getting ready to say what
you're getting ready to say, but go ahead. Okay,
kind of like he did at the Rock and Roll Hall
of Fame induction when he got inducted for a
solo artist. He sat there while everybody played
his stuff. Okay. Yes. Okay, okay. All right,
you know what, I can see that. He's going to
make music, but he's supposed to sing a few songs.
And he will. So, yeah. Okay. My money is on,
he makes it the whole show. Okay, I hope you're
right. I would love to see that. And you know
it's going to be streaming. Me too, me too. This
is coming from my heart here. Our wish has been
fulfilled. You can stream it worldwide. Yes.
And I am going to do that. Do I just go into
the whatever they put on there and you can stream
it? Johnny Rohypnol is going to go into all of
that. Okay, good. That's why we hired him. Yes.
Johnny Rohypnol is a huge Ozzy fan and he can't
wait to tell the fans out there what to do to
find Ozzy on his final show ever. You know I'm
watching. Yeah. Yep. And Johnny Rohypnol is a
big fan of yours, Rob. Oh, cool. Yeah. Yep. He
loves you. I did not know that. Yep. Yeah. He
has a duck blind tattoo on his right ass cheek.
Oh, wow. I know. I know. Isn't that great? Yeah.
Yeah. So, um, okay. He might be Mitch. Who knows?
Mitch sent something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he does.
Yeah, we'll get to it in emails. Yes, he sent
one. Yep, there it is right there. Okay. Yeah,
Mitch is still in action. He sent something back.
Okay. I can't remember what he... I just saw
his name over here. I can't remember what he
said, so it's going to be a surprise to me, too.
Okay, I'm going to go with a less traditional
bet, actually. I'm going to put 50 on, will Jakey
Lee hug Ozzy? All the bad blood and everything.
I'm going to put down 50 that he's going to.
Because I think the bad blood was mainly between
him and Sharon, Jakey Lee and Sharon. Yes, yes,
yes. I'm going to have to go with... Yeah, I
think him and Ozzy are brothers, really. I mean,
they were estranged and still are. But I think
that, you know, I think that time has gone by.
Jake was shot four times. I mean, Ozzy has Parkinson's.
He's on his last leg. I think that Jake's going
to go over there and go, hey, man, you know what?
What happened happened, but I love you and good
luck. And that's going to be excellent. And I
also want to see Jake and Zach play together.
Could you imagine that? That would be a dream
come true. I want to see them both playing together.
Yes, it would be a dream come true. I just don't
know if it's going to happen. I don't know either
because I think... We'll see. You're right. You're
right. We'll see. So, on a different note...
I think... But I'm thinking Zach may fill in
a little bit with Sabbath, too. Yeah, I'm guessing
Jake's going to be more of a solo guy. With the
battle, I think Jake's going to be lower than
the ladder. Yeah, Zack's going to be... Zack's
going to be very prolific. Zack's going to be
right there. He's so prolific and loved, and
everyone knows him. I mean, come on, he's got
Zack Sabbath. Yeah, and you know he's going to
keep Zack Sabbath going after Black Sabbath,
and I think it's fantastic. And he has permission
to. Yes, they want him to. I mean, Iommi is Zach's
hero. Zach's idol. And I'm pretty sure Iommi
is pretty fond of Zach and really knows about
his talent. I see them two playing together.
Yeah, I think they will, definitely. Now, Jakey
Lee did say something interesting not too long
ago, about a week ago. He said that, like, time
is, you know, he has arthritic condition in his
hands, and time has taken its toll on him. He
said he can't play like he did before, but he
can still play. So I'm interested to see how
well he can play. I hope he can still. mash out
a really good solo and do some of that stuff
that he used to do. But I don't know, because
he did bother to mention it not too long ago.
Okay, yeah. I've got a story somewhere I was
going to do the other night, but I didn't do
it. Yeah. It's up in the air on what... It sounds
like he's the only... Yeah, that's kind of what
I got, too, because I don't think he complained
that much. And it's between Bark at the Moon
and Ultimate Sin. Yeah, and he was saying that
he wasn't sure if he could do Bark at the Moon,
the fast licks on that. Yeah, you must have read
the same article I did. Yes, and that's concerning.
I mean, look, I'm glad he's going to be there,
and I want to see him on stage. And I hope him
and Ozzy get together for something, at least.
And actually, I kind of think I like Ultimate
Sin better. I would rather hear that. The last
show. I do too. You know? The intro to Ultimate
Sin is as good as it gets. I mean, it's just,
he's, I think it's Ron Nevison that produced
that. He got such a sound out of Jakey Lee. He'll
never get enough credit. Because that album was
not a huge commercial success. They had Shot
in the Dark, and that was really about it. They
didn't have any other song, really. Shot in the
Dark was more the ballad. But the tones he got
out of Jake was insane on that whole album. And
it'll never get the credit it deserves because
you're not going to hear that much. I mean, you
know, in Ozzy songs, after the Ultimate Sin Tour,
you really only got Shot in the Dark. And that
was it. If, if he even did that in concert, a
lot of, he didn't even do a lot of that. He did
bark at the moon, you know, but he really did
not do anything off of the ultimate sin of the
concerts I went to. Yeah. So I don't know. He,
he allegedly, supposedly he did not like that
album. I, I, I begged to differ. I thought that
album was really good. And like I said, I think
Ron Nevison will not get the. credit he deserves
for the tones he got from Jakey Lee, but you
know what? All this is subject, man. It's art.
We all feel different about it. They can take
whatever they want, but us as consumers and listeners,
I remember that album going over very, very well.
It did at the time, but it didn't hold up well.
Yeah. Well, but it did at the time. Us fans loved
it. No, I know us fans loved it, but we're talking
about the true circle of Ozzy. Did it well? No,
I know. And I agree with you, Rob. But what I'm
saying is, okay, rock radio didn't take to it
very well. Pop radio didn't take to it very well.
But the Ozzy fan took to it. Right, right. Yeah,
and that's all I'm saying right there. It was
a very good album, and it did well. But as far
as sales, that was one of the lesser albums he's
ever had. And I don't know. You got a good point.
Yeah. You got a good point. Yeah, but I'll tell
you what, true fans like you and I that know
music and know him, you know. Loved it. They
loved it, yeah. So it's going to be interesting,
but I can't wait to see it. And, of course, we're
going to have a big discussion on that when it's
over and talk about the highs and lows. And Johnny
Rohypnol is going to be there. Yeah, he got tickets
because he's press. And he's going to wear his
press hat with a little feather in it. And he's
going to wear his Jimmy Olsen jacket. Right.
Yeah, yeah, and he's going to be there. Hey.
Yeah? Let me know if he wants anything. Oh, you
can embroider him something. If he needs something,
just let me know. Johnny Rohypnol, let Rob know.
Break him off an email. Give him a call. Give
him a call, Johnny, and let him know what you
want. He'll make you something. You need a Steven
Pearce's pouch? By the way, Jeffy, I have your
week supply ready already. Jeffy, wherever you're
at, we hope you're not imprisoned and being tortured.
Wherever you're at, there you go. It's been a
couple weeks since we heard from him. Yeah, I'm
afraid he might be imprisoned and being tortured
right now. So, I hope he's okay. There you go.
You get out, you got clothes. All right. I was
at Lowe's looking for deck stain, and I'm in
my Jeep getting ready to leave, and a lady is
on her phone in front of me, and there's a car
parked behind me, so I couldn't leave. So I'm
being very patient, and I'm waiting for her to
quit blabbing, and I realize that there is an
identical -looking black Jeep that's probably
hers two rows up. You know, I've done that before.
It's easy to do. Haven't you done that before?
A car that looks just like yours, and you walk
up to it, and then all of a sudden you're like,
oh, hey, wait a minute. You know, you look on
the interior, or somebody's sitting there looking
at you like, what the fuck are you doing? Well,
I was in my car, and I'm just sitting there looking,
and I'm like, what the hell is she doing? She's
standing in front of the car, hitting her little
pod, talking, you know, hitting her, you know,
trying to, and she keeps hearing the honk, I
think, and I think she thinks it's coming from
my Jeep. not her Jeep, a couple of cars down.
So instead of blasting my horn, I very politely,
I started my engine. So she looks at me and fucking
flips me off like I'm the dick. I should have
honked my horn. I should have just blasted my
horn and go, hey, bitch, is that your Jeep right
there? Get the fuck out of my way, please. Honestly,
that's society these days. Them people are everywhere.
Well, when she flipped me off, I was so mad I
rolled down the window. I said, there's not enough
money, bitch. Not enough money. Okay, well, let
me back this up here. None of our assholes are
like that. But there are people out there like
that, I guess. Yeah, you know, I was thinking
I was being very civil about it. You know, I
mean, she's standing in my way for a couple of
minutes, and I'm very patiently waiting for her
to get off Facebook or what, Fakebook or whatever
the fuck. You know, whatever the hell she was
doing on her phone that was more important than
anything else. And, worsely, she's in my way,
listening to a honk that's a couple of jeeps
down, but she's so intrigued by whatever ha -ha
she's got on her phone that she doesn't even
notice, and she's holding me up. So, anyhow,
I was being very nice, but nope, nope, nope,
anyhow. You know, a bitch like that, you know,
she's probably going to be paying a high deductible
because I'm pretty sure she gets in a lot of
wrecks. So, anyhow, I thought it was funny. And
her nails looked like a baboon fucking painted
them on. I mean, she was just like, I don't know,
a piece of fucking garbage. And then finally,
I want to go over this last story here with you,
okay? This is a bizarre prank that surfaced its
head again. I'm not even sure I would have done
it, but this started in 2019 and 2020, and then
it went away for a little bit, and then it came
back. There's been several cases of pigeons wearing
little cowboy hats. They're often glued to their
head. They're reported in... Oh my God, no way!
Yeah, they're reported in Las Vegas. I remember
that! Oh, do you really? Okay. Yes, I remember
that. Well, they're doing it again, whoever's
doing it in Vegas. I love it. Okay, if they're
glued to the head, poor pigeon. Well, some of
them are. Yeah, that'd be cool. Some of them
are glued to their head, and one of them died
because of it. This article didn't say how they
died. Yeah, that's a little much there. You don't
glue them. It's not the pigeon's fault. Yeah,
but if you can get that little helmet to stay
on him without doing something like gluing it
on him. Yeah, fuck yeah, I love you. But I want
to know what kind of a maniacal, evil, fucking
demented person does that? Look, it's funny as
hell. I'm pretty sure you and I in the past have
known a few that could do something like that.
Well, we were maniacal and demented, so yes,
yeah, we probably would have. Yeah. Yeah. So,
yeah. But if we were like 20 again, hell yeah,
we'd be doing that, right? Yeah. Yeah, but like
we said, we'd be strapping hats on. I would go
further, though. I'd put little boots on them.
If you could. Oh, yeah. Oh, hell, in the wintertime,
we'd dress them up like Santa Claus. I want to
put little spangled cowboy boots on them. Yeah.
Yeah. Yep. So, anyhow, yeah, they're doing it
again for whatever reason. So, Rob, we turn this
whole thing over to you, that being said. And,
you know, I'm out there. So, this story comes
from Beverly Hills, Texas. Okay. Didn't know
there was. Now I do. Yeah. Well, a Texas woman
is being held on felony stalking charges in a
bizarre case where a wedding was held without
the groom present and without his knowledge.
Okay. Yeah, okay. I was wondering how the hell
that happened. Oh, I don't know. It included
a copy of a marriage certificate showing he was
married. At least he had been in a relationship
with a suspect. To certify the marriage without
the groom being present. Is that legal? No, it's
not. Okay, go ahead. I'm sorry. Chief Martin
said she then went to the county clerk's office
and filed the certificate. Okay, I'm going to
back the county clerk on this. Okay. Yeah, yeah,
true. True. I would think so. I think I jumped
the gun when I asked when it was illegal. Of
course it would be. Yes. I mean, how could it
not be? You'd have people everywhere being fucking
married that aren't. Wow. I mean, I think you
could Zoom and get married because you're on
video, but if you're not even present, no. It
would not be official. I don't see how it could
be. I don't either. It's got to be Void. I would
think so. And whoever did that, obviously, is
probably going to be in trouble. And he also
might be subject to a lawsuit also. Yeah. I got
a question for you a little bit different. What
do you think of our new music director, Phineas
J. Valterrez III? I love him. Okay. All right.
He's our music director. He is. He's our music
director, and he writes for Johnny Rohitnal,
but he also does his own segment occasionally.
And Dash Riptide is another guy, and he is our
guy out on the beat. He goes out there. Dash
Riptide is a guy that goes out there, and he
gets his knuckles dirty in the music industry.
Rumor has it that Reggie Rash is going to start
joining us, too. And he might do a pop segment,
pop culture segment. You know what the guy wrote
in and told us not to do? I'm pretty sure he's
going to do. Oh, of course. Yes, yes. So, let's
take our first break and come back with some
emails. Sounds good. All right, we will be right
back. Proof that we love you here at QD Spades
and Microphone Central. Here's a proof right
here. How about the drink of the week? Hey, sporty
pants. How about a black currant margarita? 24
ounces tequila. The best or wow good. 20 ounces
cream big cassay. 96 ounce big bucket margarita
mixer. Garnished with lined wheels. Served in
a tall pollens glass. Combining ingredients with
Big Buffy. Stir, seal, and open the vent. Freeze
and serve. Enjoy, poggers. Have at it. Now it's
time for Pickup Lines from a Loser. If I had
a nickel for every time I saw someone as beautiful
as you, I would have a whole five cents. Oh,
hey, look at the time. It's time for the crazy
-ass word of the day. Cito -cito -hypopyrin -phylogism.
You watch the news. It looks grim. Is an apocalypse
inevitable? We suggest you download all our podcasts
beforehand and have multiple mobile chargers.
We have the post -apocalypse. Homemade dye from
plants are essential. The dyes can be used to
mark locations on trees, even to color clothing
or to be laid out to where footprints or paw
prints could be left. The diet can be placed
on the ground around the perimeter of your dwelling,
so if you have to leave, evidence will be present
to assess the situation. Now, from his underground
bunker in Campton, Missouri, stocked full of
dried goods, canned food, and a couple of vibrating
toys, is ramblings of a madman. strange, but
true. Andras Toma was the last World War II prisoner
of war to be released. Toma was captured in 1945.
He was later locked up in an insane asylum for
speaking gibberish. However, in 2000, he was
accidentally discovered by a Slavic who recognized
he was actually speaking Hungarian. After nearly
60 years, Thelma was successfully identified
and finally returned home in 2000. Ms. Gulkenstein
was tired of Mark and Toe for making sport of
her. Little did the douchebags know Ms. Gulkenstein
was a voodoo high priestess when she was younger.
She grew angry and cast a spell on Rob, changing
Rob into a capuchin monkey. Mark took Rob to
a local zoo so he could be with the other monkeys.
Here are the adventures of Rob. The Capuchin
Monkey. Shh, be very quiet. We're going to listen
in as Rob the Capuchin Monkey tries to sell the
rest of the Capuchin Monkey's Amway. Rob has
always dreamed of becoming a Diamond Status Amway
as a Capuchin Monkey. Little did our hero Rob
know. All the great apes owned stock in Sam's
Club and became violently pissed off when he
tried to infringe on their territory. They promptly
grabbed switches and beat his ass for three days
straight. Rob could not sit down. Two douchebags
and a microphone. I am Mark here in the Kansas
City vicinity at the Talk is Cheap studio. And
I am Rob at the beautiful night warm of Lake
of the Ozarks in the Duck Blind studio. There
we go. Okay, before I go into emails, I got one
from Craig. I forgot where Craig is from. I apologize.
Oh, that scares me. Okay. That was the guy's
name I was just talking about. Oh, okay. Oh,
oh. No, I got this before we started. Okay. About
10 minutes before we started. And I didn't have
a chance to print it or jot it down because I
was busy doing some other things to get this
thing ready. So, okay. He said with world events,
current world events, I think we can use some
real post -apocalypse survival tips. Craig. Those
are real post -survival apocalypse tips. They
are. Half of them came from a real survivalist
that Rob and I know. Yes. Okay. And then the
other ones came out straight out of their handbook.
And, yes, they have a handbook, and you can look
it up online. Those are real survival tips, and
I'm coming out with more. And I agree with you.
It does look like we might need them. So, all
right. I know. I totally agree. But yes, those
are real survival tips. Yeah, yeah. I mean, look,
everything we do is tongue -in -cheek, obviously.
We are more of a comedy thing than anything.
We try to be lighthearted. We don't really go
into politics. But those are real. If you listen
to us, we take some real jabs. Yeah, yeah. I
mean, we're not always trying to do parody or
ha -ha. So, yeah, they're real. um so and i'm
gonna i have more of them that uh that our friend
had a couple more that he sent me and i have
more that are in the handbook that you can look
up online so all right uh the first email rob
the annual fuckhammer barbecue for all the roadies
is taking place next saturday you can have a
plus one do not bring that mark asshole The ban
requests that you wear your loincloth to the
barbecue, but suggests staying away from the
flowing embers of charcoal. Can't wait to see
you there at the beautiful Massey Creek arm of
Lake Freeman. Mitch Hedrody of Fuckhammer World
Tour 2025. I guess he don't like me. Mitch, I
don't know what I did. I don't think I've been
making excessive fun of him, have I? I don't
know. No, the thing is, I always make fun of
you, Mark. He likes you. He doesn't like me.
What the hell? I guess I'm going to start making
fun of him. Come on. It's like us back in the
day. The more we were people, the more we liked
them. Yeah. Well, we're still like that today.
Yeah, I'm kind of offended. I wanted to be Rob's
plus one, and I was going to wear a loincloth,
too, to celebrate Rob. I guess not. Well, all
right. Mitch, I give you my hand and you smack
it away in disgust. I don't know what to do.
It hurts. It hurts. In return, I love you, Mitch.
Mitch, I try to love you. I'm here on bended
knee and you smack me in the face every time.
It hurts. It hurts. All right. And next. Mark,
I know you say this is actually really good.
Rhonda in Rhode Island, thank you. But I'll read
this whole thing, but I want to preface that
with thank you. Mark, I know you say that you're
a lesser talented, more primitive version of
the classic morning shows. I can really hear
the difference in the quality of the show you
have now. You really picked it up quickly. I
think you might be just as, if not more original
than all the others you speak about. I love it.
Please keep it up. Rhonda in Rhode Island. I've
gotten better, yeah. And I am, okay, I'm better
than a lot of them, but I'm not as good as a
lot of them. If you're talking about the upper
echelon ones, you know, like the usual suspects,
I mean, like Stern had Fred Norris, Bubba had
Manson, Mancow had Lovecheese, you know, I forgot
who Bob and Tom had. But anyhow, all these shows,
Greg, Craig, no, not Craig, Greg from Johnny
Dare. I mean, all of them had these parody guys.
And the ones that I just mentioned are better
than me, considerably better. But there's a lot
of them out there. No, I don't think they're
any better than me and probably not as good.
I just don't have the equipment. But thank you,
Rhonda. That is one hell of a compliment. And
I feel much better after Mitch. denied me going
to the fuckhammer barbecue so i'll eat a pork
steak for you brother yeah so thank you and i'm
going to take that as a hell of a compliment
which it is yes yes dude and i'm going to say
that's partly true but not all the way true there's
the guys that i just mentioned uh -uh i'm not
in their category trust me i know this stuff
i've listened to it all my life so okay Could
you give us a Topher update? I hope he is healing
well. Let him know we all miss him and wish him
well. Mike in Carrollton, Missouri. Mike, Topher
didn't have an operation. His wife did. And he's
taking care of her. But thank you for your concern.
And she's doing well. And Topher is doing well.
And he'll be back. And I'm sure he says hi to
everybody. And we'll be back at it doing horrible
sports and horrible music. But thank you, Mike
and Carlton. All right. Hey, what happened to
the first and second season of your podcast?
I can't find it on RSS. I would like to check
out the older episodes, Wanda and Tennessee.
You're not going to find them. Topher has them,
and I got to get them on a scan disc. We talked
about this a while back. RSS. Updated. So we
had to have our backups, which Topher has. Yeah,
the first two seasons he has, starting season
three, I have all of them. Yes. So the first
two seasons he has on his computer, I'm going
to get them eventually, and I have to find a
different place besides RSS to post them, and
I think I'm probably going to have to bring back
my... my website that i had before the two douchebags
microphone .net only it's got to be a lot more
elaborate i got to spend more time on it and
we're going to have to have all the seasons there
because rss will only let you have so many episodes
and rss feeds everybody what they have everybody
else has So if they don't have it on RSS, no
one else has it. They don't have the capability
of getting it. So you can go to iTunes, same
thing. You can go to Amazon, same thing. You
can go to Spotify, same thing. So Clear Channel,
Odyssey, all of them. All right. Let's see, where
is it? Okay, some online station has your podcast
playing the segments. The name of the streaming
station is Laughing Gas Radio. I know a couple
of shows ago you said that some guy wanted to
play your podcast on his station. I'm just letting
you know. I listen to every show. Hi, Rob. Tony
in Gulfport. I'm pretty sure Florida. Did it
say, Hi, Rob? Yeah. It said, Hi, Rob. It said,
I listen to... Hi. It said, I'm just letting
you know. I listen to every show. Hi, Rob. Tawny
in Gulfport, and I'm pretty sure that would be
Florida. I know. I know. Laughing Gas Radio asked
for permission, and I said yes, because I know
the guy. Okay, I did not know that. I thought
I told you. I'm sorry. No, I did not know that.
Oh, no. No, you did not tell me that. Oh, shit.
I'm sorry. I just wrote it down. Okay, okay.
Yeah, Laughing Gas Radio has played a few of
our segments, and it's no big deal. they're not
going to play so many of them because he's going
to actually quit that feed and go into something
else. But I told him, yeah, I said, you can play
it until you, you know, go to whatever you're
going to do. And I'm not, I don't even know what
he's going to, what he's going to go into, but
yeah, he has full permission and we thank him.
And yeah, so, but thanks for letting us know.
Was it Tawny? I just threw the email away on
the floor. Yes, Tawny. Tawny. Anyhow, that's
all the emails. So, Rob, you got something? Yeah,
I do. And actually, I should have went in this
a while ago while we were talking about Ozzy.
Okay. Liquid Death, brewer of canned water, has
announced that it's selling 10 empty cans of
iced tea that were drank by Ozzy Osbourne and
were then sealed to contain him. DNA. Oh, wow.
Dubbed Infinite Aussie, these tin cans are valued
at $450 a piece, are being sold via the Liquid
Death website to anyone lucky enough to snag
one. Each was laboratory sealed and I'm going
there right now. I'm sure they're gone. He squished
the cans. And it's in a plastic container. And
it's sealed. And his penmanship is... But you
could get it open and get his DNA. That's what
they're going into. Somebody could clone him
off these tin cans one day. I think I can get
it cheaper actually. Actually, they have some
other way. You know what? I'll look at that later.
Very fucking cool. Now, you know, that's right
up my alley. That is right up my alley. Something
like that. Yes. Okay. Neat. All right. I'll look
at that later. Hang on. I got to get rid of that
because I'm going to be looking at that and not
paying attention to what we're doing. And I just
knocked the damn phone over. You there? Okay.
You see what happens? I get distracted and stupid
shit happens. Yeah. Okay. That's why I read that
one. All right. Hey, thanks for that. I am legitimately
going to try to get one of those. And if I do,
I will be posting it. And I think I'm going to
set it. Let's see if I get one. I'm going to
put it in the middle of the chief storm. Mm -hmm.
That's the first thing I'm doing is cloning him.
And then I get to control everything. I'll get
to have, like, cloned Ozzy concerts and all kinds
of shit. So, all right. Let's go to our second
break and come right back. Sound good? Sounds
good. That's what we'll do. Be right back. And
now, Deep Thoughts with Mark. Deep Thoughts with
Mark. Coffee flavored water doesn't sound good,
but that's exactly what coffee is. Hmm. That
is weird. Hello, this is Phineas J. Altaris III.
I'm here to deliver your music news this evening.
Brian Douglas Wilson. the co -founder and leader
of the Beach Boys, died at the age of 82 on June
11th. Wilson was a band's primary songwriter
and a pioneer of music, known for his creative
control and use of recording studio to create
unique sounds. He transformed teen pop into more
poetic and modernist form, and some say his songs
were intellectually woven and distilled in human
emotions with artistic complexity. Brian Wilson,
you will be missed, and music will never be the
same without you. We will forever have good vibrations
because of you. Rest in peace. This is Phineas
J. Baltar S. III. That has been your music news
for this evening. I have one burning question
for you all. Do people really skip around the
Maypole? And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark. Deep
Thoughts Why can't I just buy a can of thin paint?
Why do I always have to go buy paint thinner?
I may never know. Nob Lick is an unincorporated
community in southern St. Francis County, Missouri,
United States. It is located on Missouri Route
DD, just east of U .S. Route 67, approximately
8 miles south of Farmington, Missouri. Nob Lick
has a post office with the zip code 63651, which
has been in operation since 1870. The community
takes its name from nearby Nob Lick Mountain.
In the Ozarks, Nob typically refers to an isolated
summit, and Wick is a natural salt lick or salt
spring. The mountain runs across U .S. 67. Approximately
80 acres of the summit are protected by the Missouri
Department of Conservation. A gravel road leads
to the conservation area, which includes a granite
glade, picnic facilities, and a closed fire lookout
tower. 147 was the population reported in 2020.
Hi there. This is your ears. Why are you listening
to this garbage? I thought we were friends. A
lot of podcasts just come from a can. Here at
Two Douchebags and a Microphone, we pour our
own podcasts. Oh, shit. What's that over there?
Oh, no. It's an island of horrible jokes. I can't
take my dog to the lake. The ducks keep attacking
me. That's what I get for having a purebred dog.
Two douchebags and a microphone, says. You ever
dream about eating chocolate pudding and wake
up with a spoon in your ass? Just asking. studio
all right it's sold out there's only 10 cans
available like you said $450 each you could have
bought them in for interest -free installments
or from 40 60 to a month with shop pay but it's
sold out you have a little thing here that says
notify me when available and it says yes we really
got the prince of darkness to drink from 10 cans
of our low calorie iced tea and yes he actually
crushed each can himself in the process he left
behind trace dna from his saliva that you can
now own he even hand signed each packaging label
now when technology and federal law permits you'll
be able to replicate ozzy osbourne enjoy him
for hundreds of years into the future Only 10
available to buy. DNA integrity and cloning results
not guaranteed. There you go, but they're sold
out. Yeah, if there be some dumbasses trying,
like us. Okay. I got the notify me when available.
Yeah. All right. Well, I will let everybody know.
If I get one, yee -hee. If not, then, well. Okay.
So. There is a big debate going on right now,
Rob. You know what? Let's go into one of your
stories first, let you talk a little bit, and
then I'll go into mine. Does that sound all right?
Okay. All right, go ahead. Have you heard that
this year's honorary knights, King Charles has
knighted this year? No. serving their community.
This year's honorees include David Beckham, Gary
Oldham, and this is the one why I brought this
story. Okay. And the legendary musician Roger
Daltrey. Okay. Roger Daltrey is now a knight.
I'll be damned. You want to hear a list of the
musicians that have been knighted? Well, I know
one for sure. Yeah, yeah. Paul McCartney. Yep.
Mick Jagger. Oh, I did not know he was knighted.
Yeah, I didn't remember that either. Rod Stewart.
George Martin. Bob Geldof. That's surprising.
Cliff Richard. Yeah. Bob Gilliland was definitely
surprising. Yeah, I didn't think he had that
much clout, but I guess so. David Bowie. Elton
John. Wow. Van Morrison. Ray Davies. Okay, that
one catches me. Van Morrison and also Ray Davies
of the Kinks has also been knighted. I knew Brian
May was. Did not know the Bee Gees were. Ringo
Starr, Paul McCartney, like you said, Bono, Barry
Gibb, which is one of the Bee Gees. Barry Gibb?
Yeah, he's one of the Bee Gees. I don't know
why they put that on there again. Tom Jones.
He was the one with the long hair, the good looking
one. Yeah, yep. Tom Jones, Eric Clapton, and
now Roger Daltrey. All right. And all the Beatles,
actually. It went on to say all the Beatles have
been knighted. And I guess I'm not sure if John
Lennon was knighted before he was killed or if
he was knighted after, but all of them are officially
knights. So, wow. Interesting, huh? Yeah. But
you know what? I mean, if all those other names
are on there, Roger Daltrey definitely should
be on there. Yeah, because I did not realize
there was that many rock stars on the list. I
didn't either. I just decided to look it up while
you were talking. I'm like, you know, I wonder
who all is on that list. Well, that's a pretty
good -sized list. It's a lot bigger than I thought.
So, let's see here. I got one. Let's see. Okay,
I was starting to go into this, but I don't think
I'm going to go into that one right now. A lady
on TikTok decided that she's going to create
her own funeral photo montage. The reason for
that is she wants to make sure she looks hot
when she's being remembered. So hang on. I got
just the levels here. For some reason, they died
down. I don't know what's going on. Hello, hello,
hello. Okay, that looks like it might work a
little bit better. Okay, am I good? Yeah, actually,
you're better than me right now. I don't know
what's going on. Maybe it's the mic. Maybe I
hit something on the mic, but anyhow. Hang on,
let me try this again. Hello, hello, hello. Okay,
that might be better. I don't know. Okay, this
girl, she did her own... funeral photo montage
so i'll remember at my hottest is what she said
i made my funeral montage alexis told people
she said as she casually as she connected her
computer to the tv so the moment captured in
a now viral tiktok video resonated with thousands
online having a morbid best friend who works
in a funeral and cemetery services is not for
the weak Alexis has spent over six years working
in the funeral industry, and for her, confronting
mortality isn't unusual. She says her Mexican
-American background, which embraces death as
a natural part of life, influenced her perspective.
I've always been a little morbid and creepy,
she admits with a laugh. The idea for the montage
stemmed from... Yeah, would you think, Rob? Right?
Yeah. I've always been a little morbid and creepy,
she admits. The idea for the montage stemmed
from recent personal events. A motorcycle accident
involving her cousin left the family scrambling
due to a lack of legal or end -of -life plans.
He's a young man, so he had no will and had no
nothing, she said. That was one of the questions
I was asking, does it? Does he have anything
like a power of attorney who's making decisions
here? Fortunately, he survived. But the accident
made her realize that if you don't have any certain
plans, that certain things may not happen. And
then that is where she decided that when she
dies, she doesn't want to be the old her. She
wants to be the hot young her. And that's why
she's only allowing the photos that she's already
put in this montage. This montage is what's going
to be when she passes away. That is what's going
to be representing her, only that montage, because
that is the way she has it in her will. So take
that. I like it. I do too. I get it now. At first
I was like, what? I don't even think it's necessarily
morbid or creepy, do you? Yeah, I want a giant,
what do they call that? Oh, shit. A 3DU on the
wall, you know what I mean? I can't even think
of the name of it now. I want to go see Ronnie
James Dio. Hologram. Hologram. Yeah. I want a
giant hologram of me on the wall of Funeral Home.
And I'm like shaking. Yeah, the wacky inflatable
flailing arm tube man of you. Is that what you
want? Yeah, seriously. Yes. With my face on.
Yeah. I love that. I want people, I mean, if
I'm going to have a celebration in life, come
on, celebrate my life. Yeah. Yeah. Definitely.
Oh, shit. Hang on. What happened here? Jeez.
I'm telling you. Cool. Yeah, I want a 3D hologram
of me on the biggest wall in the funeral home.
And I'm going to be shaking my ass and grabbing
my nuts and picking my nose and just doing all
this crazy shit. And going, look, if you know
me, you know why this is happening. So don't
question it. This is it. So either that or I
want to be taxidermied. Right in the corner,
not in a casket, just right in the corner. I'm
just standing there looking at everybody. Oh,
yeah, yeah, yeah. That would be the best, wouldn't
it? There you are lurking in the corner and they
have the lights down. Then all of a sudden they
turn the lights on and go, Introducing Mark's
final time here on Earth. And then I go home
with my kids six months a year. Yes. I want strobe
lights. There you go. I want strobe lights and
loud music, cocaine in the bathroom. Yeah, hell
yeah. Yeah, there we go. So, okay, Rob, that's
all I can really squeeze out of that story. I
just thought it was interesting that a lady took
that initiative. She's getting a lot of grief,
but it's funny because you believe like I do.
I think that's awesome that she took the initiative.
Our kids don't have to do it, you know? I learned
that with my mom, you know? Yeah, that's true.
Yeah. Yep. So, all right. Rob, you got something
you want to go into? Or are you tired? Do you
want to cut this up? Yeah, I got another rock
story here. It sounds good to me. It's not a
story, it's an announcement. Oh, okay. Nice.
That iconic 1980s band best known for the songs
Rock Lobster, Planet Claire, Rome, and Love Shack
will join forces with fellow New Leavers, Devo.
Nice. June 16th. I love that. I said I love that.
Yes, yes. The official announcement came hours
after the B -52T's big news was coming in a series
of Instagram posts. The upcoming 11 -city tour
kicks off on September 24th in Toronto. and November
2nd, Houston. Cool. I'm going to have to look
that up because I would be interested in going
to that, would you? Yeah, I would. I would. Cool.
Thank you, Rob. All right, you're welcome. All
right. There was a six -foot alligator found
lurking outside a Virginia hotel room. Did you
hear about that? No. Okay. Well, I'm about to
tell you. June 17th. which is today, police were
called to a motel in Virginia where witnesses
reported seeing an alligator lurking outside
of a guest room. This is right next to D .C.,
Fairfax County. The Fairfax County Police Department
said officers responded to the Budget Host Travelers
Motel in Alexandria on a report of an animal
sighting, and they arrived to find there was
indeed an estimated six -foot alligator outside
of a hotel room. So, I'm having problems with
the phone. It keeps falling. Okay. Police were
called to a motel in Virginia where witnesses
reported seeing the alligator. In Virginia? Wow.
Animal protection police were summoned to the
scene to assist with the situation. Police learned
that the gator had escaped from its owner while
being transported from New York to a North Carolina
zoo. Virginia law... I know. Wow. I don't know
what they were doing with it, but they were turning
it over to a zoo, it sounds like. And then that's
when it got away. Virginia law prohibits possession
of alligators and similar exotic animals, so
once the reptile was recaptured, police escorted
the animal and its owner out of Fairfax County.
And that is pretty much the end of it. It's just
funny because, you know, you imagine you're getting
ready to check into your room and you do a little
double take. You're kind of tired. You know,
you've been driving for hours. You're like, oh,
shit. And this was a motel. It wasn't like a
high dollar hotel or nothing. It's like a motel.
Sounds like a truck stop motel. OK, you're like
getting ready to use the key, get in your room.
And you look over here like, oh, man, what? What
the? Is that an alligator? I mean, can you imagine
that? That would be insane. So. Yeah. Yep. So,
Rob, you got something? You want to keep going?
Actually, I'm about done for the night, dude.
I'm tired. Alrighty. Okay. And I have got to
get another Bluetooth because this phone thing
worked as good as it worked the other day. It's
working horrible today because it just keeps
falling and I can't seem to keep it. Oh, no.
Oh, no. It's probably me. Anyhow, thank you all
for listening. Have a good night, assholes. Good
night, assholes. Oh, no. Looks like the show's
over, kids. Mark has explosive diarrhea and can't
afford a wireless mic. Fear not, assholes. They'll
be back invading your ear holes soon.