Hey, you fucking derelicts. It's time for the
Daily Douchebag Pledge. I, Joe or Jane Listener,
hereby promise to download the show. I, Joe or
Jane Listener. Hereby promise to grab other people's
phones, unattended computers, public computers,
and all of my work computers as well, and download
the show from there. I, Joe or Jane Listener,
hereby promise to make other people listen. I,
Joe or Jane Listener. will hereby lie to everyone
about how quality the show is. I, Joe or Jane
Listener, promise to make all my family members
listen and recite the daily douchebag pledge.
And finally, I, Joe or Jane Listener, hereby
promise to make the trek to Knobloch, Missouri,
just to have a selfie with the Knobloch sign.
Here at Two Douchebags and a Microphone, we don't
stand behind our journalistic integrity. Go ahead
and assume we got the story wrong. At least we
admit it. Not like all those other guys. We can
and will lie if it makes the story better. Two
douchebags and a microphone. We talk. You watch
the news. It looks grim. Is an apocalypse inevitable?
We suggest you download all our podcasts beforehand
and have multiple mobile chargers. We have the
post -apocalypse. Remember, post -apocalypse
to have a sewage bit. Sewage untreated can result
in serious illness and other obstacles for your
family to live well. You also should have some
chemicals stocked up. Maybe bags of chlorine
or something of such to sanitize the sewage for
a week. Our constant pursuit for a real knee
slapper. It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity. Every time you're sitting in a
stall at a public bathroom, may the guy that
comes up next to you in the stall have explosive
diarrhea. These guys are inviting as a used hypodermic
needle Q -Douchebags and Microphone, in an effort
to keep everything fresh, we offer you first
world problems. My 76 -inch smart HDMI, triphonic,
stereo TV. My remote won't work unless I'm right
in front of it. I can't believe it. This is bullshit.
So you want proof that we love you here at Q
-Douchebags and Microphone Central? Here's a
proof right here. How about the drink of the
week? Hey, my party pilgrims. How about Norwegian's
famous pineapple coconut mojito? One and a quarter
ounce Bacardi coconut rum. One ounce pineapple
puree. Three pieces of lime wedges. Six pieces
of mint leaves. And one half ounce of simple
syrup. You garnish ginger candy on a pick, orange
wilt, and a mint sprig. Take a 12 ounce glass.
Shake all ingredients together. and strain over
fresh ice and top with soda. How about a splash
of 7 -Up Sprite or Ginger Ale just for a little
extra pizzazz. Two douchebags and microphone.
I'm Mark here in the Kansas City vicinity. I
was sitting there looking at your Facebook a
couple minutes ago, and I couldn't help but notice
a new piece of art you have on your arm. You
care to explain anything? Yes, I will. I got
suckered into going to a tattoo shop Friday after
work. Uh -huh. So while I was there, I had a
microphone tattooed on my forearm. And yes, it
is on our Facebook page for everybody to see.
Okay, I didn't know it was also on the Facebook
page. Yes, I got a microphone on my forum tattooed.
Very fucking cool, dude. Nice. Nice. I'm playing
with the microphone right now because I'm trying
to get the best levels. Will you say something,
Rob, right now? Yes, I'm here. Okay, we seem
to both be kind of level now. Okay. Sorry, I
was having to... I want... Okay, go ahead. No,
go ahead. Go ahead, Rob. I just want to give
a shout -out to everybody at Sailor's Tattoo
and Osafe Beach. These people are great. They're
friendly. They get right with you, and they do
awesome work. They really do. Did you tell them
about the podcast? It looks great. Did you tell
them about the podcast? Dude, I was wearing my
podcast shirt when I walked in the door. Seriously.
That's very cool, dude. Seriously. I got this
tattoo with my two douchebags, a microphone.
It's the same microphone that's used on our logo.
That's awesome. Yes. And unfortunately, they
would not let me wear the loincloth. Well, there
you guys go. No loincloth. I had to put on pants.
I'm sorry. Well, it was the owner's wife that
did that tattoo of me. When you get your little
microphone on your ass cheek, then you'll go
in there with your loincloth on, right? Oh, I
have to? Yeah, yeah. It'd be easier for that.
Yeah. I'm going to get a Bluetooth on my butt
cheek. There you go. Yeah, yeah. I don't want
to copy you, so I've got to put something up
there. So, anyhow, Rob, the other day I got this
letter from the city of Kansas City, right? Okay,
the letter states that my business taxes are
overdue, right? I didn't know you had business.
Well, I didn't either. Big problem. Big problem
here. I don't run a business. And furthermore,
how can I even be taxed if I don't even have
a business license? Because I thought this podcast,
I'm like, oh, shit, they're going to claim this
as a business. And I was going to go, I'm going
to have to go in there with all my stuff and
show them a bunch of zeros and go, look, it's
not a business because I'm not making a dime.
So you want to subsidize me? Is that it? Or you
want to let me fucking go? Well, here's what
happened. I found out, you know. A little bit
later, after talking to my accountant and realizing
that Kansas City was full of shit, like normal,
then I found out that my stepdaughter got a letter
like that a few years ago. What? Yeah, okay,
so what one has to do is waste a good 45 minutes
to an hour on hold with the municipal treasury
just to tell them it's a mistake. No kidding.
When I finally got through, it took around five
minutes at the most. I soon find out that maybe
one in 40 people get this letter from KC. So
I'm pretty sure they randomly pick out names,
and if someone is operating an untaxed business,
great. But if they don't, then it's a miss. Isn't
that an asshole way of doing things? Yeah, I
would say so. Yeah, so you've got to waste a
big chunk of your day, not to mention calling
up your accountant and going, hey, I got this
letter, and then having her go through everything
and comb through everything and finally call
back and go, I don't see anything possibly that
they could tell you that you're running a business
and owe money. Which most accountants would charge
you for, so therefore you owe your accountant
that. Yes. Luckily, Kelly is a really decent
person and she did not. But anyhow, Kelly Tomlinson
and she's a certified accountant and she operates
in Johnson County and does great work. So if
anyone needs somebody like that, I suggest you
look her up. So, yeah. So anyhow, you know, I
mean. You know, I don't even know what they do
with the money we have right now. I mean, are
they fixing potholes? If you're up here, you'd
see what I mean. Our roads look like... I can
joke about that because I've seen it on Facebook.
Yeah, yeah. I mean, they're like Swiss cheese.
There are just holes everywhere. And then their
answers go through a little bit of blacktop in
it, which washes out in a couple of days because
it is the rainy time of year. I mean, you know,
maybe police protect... Oh, wait a minute. Oh,
forget it, forget it. Well, anyhow, I got that
settled, and it's a bunch of bullshit, and I
think the city of Kansas City... Well, you know
what? I'll let everybody draw their own conclusion
without having to say it. Okay, remember when
we were younger, Rob, and we used to screw around
with dry ice? Yeah. Well, supposedly that's what
bands used to do, like Kiss and Alice Cooper
and stuff. People that needed, you know, bands
that needed smoke, they'd use dry ice. Now they
have a different way of doing it, from what I
understand, but they used to do that, right?
So, I was thinking... Yeah, yeah, that's right.
That's true, machines. So I'm sitting there,
I'm taking piss at the urinal the other day at
work, and I'm like, hmm. I go, man, I wish I
had a little chunk of dry ice. I throw that fucker
in there, and then when I take a piss, I do it
really quick and then leave. And then the people
next to me taking a piss would all of a sudden
see all this smoke rising from the urinal. Wouldn't
that be funny as hell? That'd be hilarious. Yeah.
I won't rule that out. I mean, you can't touch
the dry ice. We're demented minds. Yes. We are
demented minds. Yes, we are. But I could take
like a piece of tissue paper or something to
wrap the dry ice in there because you don't want
to touch it with your hands because it can get
stuck to your hands and take your skin off. So
take a little piece of toilet paper or something
and then just throw it in the urinal. And also
it'll take a little bit longer for it to affect.
So you probably already got your hands dried
and are on your way out when the smoke starts
coming up. Wouldn't that be awesome? Yes, that
would be. I mean, what would you do? There you
are taking a piss. Guy comes over, pisses, leaves.
All of a sudden smoke comes up. What? What the
hell? What'd that guy drink? Shit. Shit. What
was her name? I don't want to know her. You know
what I'd do? Here, I got it. I got it. I'd do
that and smoke would rise and then I'd do some
type of a weird chant. Of course. You know what,
Rob? This is why we have hobbies. This is why
we have podcasts. It is. Our minds get bored,
so we've got to have something for our imagination.
Why not share it with the world? Yeah, like we
just clearly demonstrated. We need to stay busy.
We need to stay busy. Dry ice in the bathroom.
Why not? That sounds great. Oh, man. Or, you
know, you could have a dry ice pellet, maybe.
And then you could throw it in a water puddle
or something, you know, in front of a parked
car. Wait until they start walking forward and
just kind of discreetly toss it in the front
of them. No shit. They get their cars on fire.
All of a sudden, they just start smoking up like,
what the fuck? Damn it. I just had that fucking
fixed. Damn electric car. Fuck. Fucking Teslas.
Oh, sorry, Elon. I'm sure he's still writing
out some ha -ha's and zingers against Trump right
now. And Trump's doing the same to him. Oh, yeah?
Well, you're a poopy pants, Elon. You look like
you have very low intelligence and are very slow
at understanding things. Or something like, I'd
write something really boring like that if I
was in there like it. Anyhow, or how about it?
Hey, how about a cooler at Walmart? Throw a little
water in there. Oh, that would be good. You know,
they have those coolers on sale. Nowhere. Yeah,
and I just toss that in there. Man, we could
like do videos. Phone with dry ice. Dude, yeah,
we get to show up live. We may have to do some
shit like this. Yeah, and if you really, really,
really want a big ha -ha, go over there and stick
some... Couple old men running around town fucking
with people. I love it. Ladies and gentlemen,
now you know why they call them the douchebag.
That's why they call them douchebags. You really
want to have fun with, just take a piece of dry
ice and stick it to someone's forehead. Yeah.
Oh, fuck. Damn it! They'd have to go home. Yeah.
Hit a toilet right before they sit down. Oh,
that would be great. They'd sit down and go,
what the hell? Hey, we're keeping it in the bathroom,
dude. I like that. Yes. And also, it'd be almost
as bad as that guy that took a piss at the story
last week and a fucking anaconda bit his dick
off that was in the toilet. This wouldn't be
quite that bad. They'd be somewhere in that area.
I'd be like, my shit's smoking. I do have a problem
with that story, though. Okay. Anacondas aren't
supposed to bite. They're supposed to fucking
hug you to death. Hmm. You know what? You know
what? I got to look at my source. And if that
was a fake story that I fell for, I will admit
it and I'll apologize. Yeah, that's right. Okay,
maybe so, but I still have the same problem with
the guy, right? Don't you look in? I mean, like
you said, there might be a... Yeah, yeah, there
might be a random turd in there. You don't want
to be hitting it and having it splash on you
or something, you know? Yeah, I mean, the guy,
he should have checked the urinal out before
he took it, or the toilet out before he took
a piss. Yeah, I think anybody should. Yeah. I
think anybody in America does that. Yeah, yeah.
You don't just run up and flop it out and just
hope for good things to happen. I can't just
say America. I mean, we've got other countries
that listen to us. They probably do it too. We've
got a lot of other countries. We're getting air
toilets. I mean, you know. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I've
got some people in Greece listening to us, and
I don't know if it's relatives or not. I'm trying
to find that out right now, but it's kind of
hard to convey stuff to them because I can speak
some Greek, but I cannot write it. So I don't
know what to say to them. I know there's some
sort of translation. Yeah. I'm going to have
to figure out how to do that. But, but then again,
I, you know what? I, I really don't know them
that well. I met him like once or twice. So,
you know, it'd probably be like, Hey, you listen
to our podcast. Yeah. Okay. All right. Yeah.
You're who's a son. Oh, okay. All right. Cool.
Yeah. I like it. All right. Bye. I, you know,
it's probably, I probably just, yeah. You know
what? I don't care enough to, but whoever's listening
Greece, thank you. So. Thank you. I'm not even
related, but thank you. Yes. I just made you
an official Greek, Rob, okay? I have those powers.
Yeah, yeah. Well, I kind of got that eating your
mom's cooking. Yeah, okay. You know what? You're
right. Yeah, you are by default. I'm sorry. I
forgot. I have been for years. Yeah, I think
I told you about the goulash, the Greek spaghetti
dilemma. Oh, God, I love that. Yeah, God. Oh,
my. God, that was amazing. I've tried and tried
and tried to make that stuff. And mom just can't
remember that. Yeah, I know. I've tried to duplicate
it. I cannot do it. There's something she's leaving
out. She's forgotten. Or, you know, like her
pinches and dabs are like real measurements.
Ours aren't, you know what I mean? But that's
the old school way of doing things. They know
exactly what a pinch is according to their fingers.
They know what a dab is according to their hands.
We don't know that. You know, we're just kind
of like, okay, pinch, let me, okay, there, there,
that looks like a pinch. Well, evidently, it's
pretty precise on making it taste that good.
and I can't do it. So maybe it's something like,
I don't know, maybe you leave the grease in,
or maybe you use a certain type of oil or something.
I don't know, but I just can't do it. I've tried
to. But anyhow, dry ice, though, can you even
buy dry ice anymore? I mean, we used to get it
from, remember Boyle's Corned Beef Company at
the City Market? Yeah. I don't even think they're
still around, but I remember they used to sell
it because they used to use dry ice to pack their
corned beef. And you used to be able to go up
there and go, hey, I'll take a couple pounds
of dry ice, and they'd throw it in a plastic
bag and tell you not to touch it and all that
good shit. I bet you they don't even do that
anymore. Well, I know here a few years ago there
was a grocery store in Lebanon, Missouri that
sold dry ice. Oh, then maybe it is still a thing.
Well, this was a few years ago. Oh, okay. We
had to stop in, but we were going to some function
or some family function or something, and we
needed some dried ice or something. And so we
stopped in this grocery store in Lebanon, and
they had it. Very cool. Today, I don't know.
They've changed owners and everything. I wonder
if that's for the hunters down there. Like maybe
to keep what they killed fresh or something in
coolers? Might be. I don't know. Like I said,
I cannot tell you for sure whether they have
it. Or it could be to make bombs. They've changed
owners. Okay. Oh, well. I want to go back to
the crazy tornado date about a week ago. I think
it was last Tuesday, right? Okay, so I'm looking
at all this footage, the Raytown and Independence
tornado, and it was on the ground in every video.
There are vehicles headed right into the mess.
Why is that? In every tornado video you see online,
huge ones in Oklahoma, Texas, cars are always
headed into it. Wouldn't you see that? Slam on
your brakes and go, oh, fuck, no, I'm going the
other way. You know what I mean? You look at
it and cars are going right into it. All the
time. It's like, what the hell's going on? Yeah.
Yeah. I have no answer for that other than dumbasses.
That's the only thing I can think of. I'm sure
they have other reasons. I was sitting there
like watching. I've seen moving tornadoes. And,
you know, you run down next to them down the
road. You can tell which direction they're moving.
So if you keep moving in a certain direction,
you should run away from them. And maybe the
video doesn't capture it. They're going straight
into it. I know what you're talking about. Yeah,
and it's like, I mean, wouldn't you, like, all
of a sudden see that? And I'd slam all my brakes
and go the other way. Yeah. Yeah. Instead of
going, hey. I'd at least stop and see which way
that subject is at. Yeah, me too. I would stop,
and if it looks like it's not moving. Yeah. I
agree. Rule of thumb is this right here. If it
doesn't look like it's moving, you better get
out because it's coming right for you. And that's
true. A tornado coming right for you looks like
it's not moving until you see it getting really
close. And then you're like, oh, shit, it is
moving towards me. So, anyhow, I just thought
I'd ask that, Rob, and I'm glad you noticed,
too. Yeah. This is one of those things we're
not going to have an answer to. We're going to
be like, okay. Well, let's just. It would not
be us. No, you're right. It would not. So, all
right. I'm starting to do all these new segments
on the program, like music news and regional
or Midwest concert update and so forth. What
do you think of them so far? I'm loving them.
Okay. I really am. Okay. And we're going to use
different people. It's not just going to be Johnny
Rohypnol. And I forgot the other guy's name.
There's a couple more names getting incorporated,
too, by the way. So anyhow. Oh, the problem is,
is I get these little creative outbursts of stuff
I want to do, right? And I put shorthand in my
phone. And when I get home that night. I go to
work and everything. I get home that night, I
can't remember what my shorthand meant. It'd
be like, Beef 2715. I'm like, fuck, I forgot.
That meant something this morning, but it doesn't
mean anything now. So, I don't know. I'm looking...
Probably pretty close. So... I don't know. I'm
hoping there's like, I'm looking for an app that
you just speaking to kind of like doctors used
to use those recorders. Now they actually have
a person translating. I'm looking for something
like that on a phone that you can just go. Yeah.
I thought of a new segment about people's hairy
feet or, you know, or whatever. I'm sure there's
something out there. And if you guys know of
something, let me know. And also of all these
new segments right in. Let us know what you think.
Because if we're onto something, let us know.
If it stinks, let us know. Either way, we'll
accept it. I mean, we read hate email all the
time. I mean, like we've always said, hate email
goes to the front. Right, Rob? Actually, sometimes
we like hate email better than we do regular
email. Sometimes it's more entertaining. Just
so we can make fun of them. Yes. And also, knowing
you got under someone's skin that bad is kind
of funny, too. Right. When you're just having
fun. I see these people that say, 40 minutes
into it, what the fuck you listen to 40 minutes
into it for? I know. What was the one that...
Come on. It was almost 20... Yeah, it was like
an hour and 10 minutes into it, a segment they
said. And I'm like, okay, so you hate us and
we suck and we're the worst things ever. An hour
and 20 minutes later, you decide this? Me? That
person's slow. I'm sorry. Not that they dogged
us. I love that person. I love that person. I
mean, they did give us some pretty good fodder
there. We did have some good stuff to say. Yeah,
we had some good dialogue. And yes, everybody,
we are talking about one email. He's like an
hour into it. An hour and ten minutes into it.
What the fuck do you listen to? How long have
we shot? You see, he gave himself away. Oh, yeah.
He gave himself away. Say, in a segment in particular.
Then I went back and I looked. I'm like, I'm
pretty sure that's towards the end of the show.
And sure enough, an hour and ten minutes. And
I'm like, that idiot. He listened to the whole
thing. No, no, no. I don't believe him. I think
he likes the show, but he fucking hates it. Who
knows? Maybe he was bored. Maybe his balls itched.
Who fucking knows? I think it was Mitch in disguise.
It probably was Mitch. Or not Mitch, Clint. No,
I'm talking about Mitch. Oh, yeah, because Mitch
always makes fun of... Mitch has listened for
a while, man. He's coming up as... Shit, we did
a long time ago. Yeah. He's a listener for a
while. That's why we give him credit. Yeah. Yeah,
that's true. Mitch has been a long -time listener,
obviously, because he goes back to a lot of stuff.
And I think he actually, I think he finally,
did he miss last week or the week before? He
missed a week, and we're kind of worried, but
I think he sent another one. Well, no. I don't
know. I had wrote down, we have a top seven.
Buckhammer songs from Mitch. Oh, yeah. Well,
he didn't answer. No, no. He was here last week.
Yeah. Okay. Okay. Yeah, I have my list. Okay.
Okay, cool. I got my list, too. All right. We'll
do that during the emails that we have. No, that's
July 26th. Just saying the way it looks, I may
not get to go. That's a different story. Oh,
I reported on Jerry Cantrell of Alice in Chains
coming by. He has a solo album right now called
I Want Blood that I'm going to try to listen
to. And I think I really need to check that show
out because I find Jerry Cantrell amazing on
guitar. He is a rhythm guy. I mean, he does some
cool leads, but his rhythm is just awesome. You
know, I'm betting he does a bunch of Alice in
Chains, the crunchy stuff, like Man in the Box
and stuff like that. Well, what I'm thinking
is if I don't get to go to Bear Shrugger, I'm
going to go see Ozark Mountain Bear Devils. Yeah,
it's their final tour. It's a fellow tourer,
and they're going to be here at Ozark. Yeah,
I mean, you know, they're... I love Ozark now.
Daredevils. Look, they're 120, but they still
rock. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, yeah. Okay. Great,
great music over the years. Yeah, they have always
been their own, and they never aspired to anything
new. They never aspired to anything catchy. They
never aspired to anything poppy. They just did
what they did, and the people liked them, liked
them. I really respected the way they did business.
They're just kind of like, yeah, this is what
we are. You either like it or you don't. We're
not trying to convince you. We're over here if
you want us. I loved them. Yeah, we're not trying
to be like everybody else. We're just being us.
No, they've always been themselves. I do too.
And they're pretty good, too. I like a lot of
their music, so. Okay. All right, Rob, we turn
it over to you. Okay, well, since we're talking
about music, after 17 years, Canadian progressive
rock band Triumph finally returned to the stage
for a long -awaited reunion, but one member was
noticeably absent. Who was it? Triumph took the
stage. Okay, yeah, yeah, Eddie Trump was there.
On Friday, June 6th, the band performed three
of their biggest hits, Allied Forces, Flight
to Goodbye, Light on the Line, at Rogers Festival
at the final part of the NHL Stanley Cup Finals
festivities. founding members Rick Emmett and
drummer Gilmore reportedly took the stage alongside
special guests Phil X, Brent Pitts, in Todd's
terms. However, bassist Mike Levine was missing
from the lineup for a surprisingly relatable
reason. Mike Levine has been our bassist forever.
Yeah, they didn't change very many people, that's
for sure. Right. According to Levine, 76, he
had a medical appointment he simply could not
reschedule. In the land of where medicine is
free, it takes long times to get specialist appointments.
And I've been waiting four months to see this
guy. He explained during the appearance on Sirius
XM's Trump Nation with Eddie Trump. Very cool.
Shout out to Eddie. Yeah, yeah. Eddie was at
the Triumph show, actually. Yeah. And my doctor
appointment was booked for June 6th at 11 a .m.
this morning, and I couldn't get out of it. It's
one of those that I had to go to. Trypan performed
a public concert together since 2008 when they
played the Sweden Rock Festival in Rock, Oklahoma.
Their latest set marks a major moment for fans
who have waited over a decade to see the band
perform live again. However, if you miss the
concert, there's still a way to celebrate the
group. Same day, Triumph was honored with a tribute
album, Magic Power, All -Star Tribute to Triumph,
produced by Roundhill Records. Very cool. The
album features performances from rock legends
like Dorothy, Sebastian Bach, Nancy Wilson. Nancy
Wilson. Joey Belladonna. Oh, Anthrax. Slash.
Cool. And Jeff Keith. Oh, Tussauds. Five decades
of rock history. Wow. I'm going to check that
out. It's cool that they finally got together,
but unfortunately it was without the bassist.
Yeah, and Triumph has always been one of those.
We get it. At our age, we get that. Yeah, you
get it. You get a doctor's appointment, you got
to give up everything. Yeah, I don't blame them
for going to that. You cannot miss that doctor's
appointment. Yeah, I don't blame them. Yeah,
that just sucks. But I'll tell you what, as far
as Triumph goes, they've always been an underrated
band. Oh, God, yeah, we've always agreed on that.
Yeah, yeah, they're really, really good. Wow,
okay, cool. Oh, I forgot something, okay? I got
a very angry text the other day from a guy I
used to work with, and I'd forgotten I'd done
this, okay? He, let's see, he sent me, I forgot
what it was, this little contraption thing that
I needed for work, and he sent it to me, and
he paid for it, and I was supposed to pay him
back. OK, and he said, just buy me something
sometime. So I was like, OK. So I was up in Nebraska
doing work a couple of weeks later. And have
you ever been to a place up there called Carlos
O 'Kelly's? It's a Mexican chain, Mexican food
chain. Well, I got one of those $50 gift certificates,
but I didn't load it with any money. OK. I come
back and I go, dude, man, you go to Nebraska
every now and then, right? Oh, yeah, yeah, I
have family up there. I go, all right, here's
a $50 gift certificate to Carlos O 'Kelly's.
Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, for sending me that tool.
Oh, yeah, yeah, hey, man, thanks, dude. I can't
wait to go eat, you know. He didn't use it. This
is like six years later. And he sends me a dirty
text, you fucking asshole. And I'm like, what
the hell did I do? I forgot all about it. He
goes, you didn't put any money on this. They
could tell when they swiped it. And he argued
with me. He goes, no, there's $50 on there. There's
nothing on here. And then finally, after he argued
for like five minutes and pissed some people
off really bad, he got to thinking. He goes,
fucking Mark, that son of a bitch. And then he
sent me the text. And I'd forgotten all about
it. I'm like, what the hell? What's going on?
And he said, remember that gift card you gave
me? And I'm like, oh, oh, oh. It worked fucking
perfectly, dude. He was arguing with him about
it. I think I'm going to get another gift card
and not put anything on it. Go here. I'm really
sorry about this. Here. Here's a real gift card.
And do it to him again. What do you think? Yeah,
why not? Hell yeah. I never see him anymore anyhow.
He'll just send me a long distance fuck you,
you know, and that's about it. Like he did a
couple of days ago. So, all right, you want to
take our first break and come back to some emails?
Yes, sounds good. All right, we'll be right back.
Possibly, probably, but you never know. If you're
lucky. That's right. Strange, but true. Morgan
Freeman wears earrings worth $60 ,000. This is
for the event he dies somewhere remote. The earrings
will cover the cost of the funeral. This is an
old sailor tradition. Hey, everybody. This is
Uncle Rob. I'm going to give you some kicks for
life. This is Uncle Rob's rules to dick pics.
Rule number one. Type of a pic in someone else's
name, as long as you get busted, is not yours.
Rule number two. Shoot angles complementary to
your length and girth. Rule number four. No propping
of the leg. Absolutely no undercarriage. Very
important. Your mom is so ugly, your dad takes
her to work every day so he doesn't have to kiss
her goodbye. Hey, look! I think we found land.
Oh my god, I think we're safe. Oh no! It's the
island of horrible jokes. Where do polar bears
keep their money? In a snow bank. And now, a
brand new feature. Strange insults from an alien.
May you always step in a wet spot after putting
on fresh socks. Jam X. What the hell happened?
You were the generation of change. You never
wanted to be one of them. Apathy spoke for you.
Fuck the man. Fuck the system. What the hell
happened? The generation of angst, the generation
of noncompliance is now buying a boat. You're
really fed up to kill someone dangled a dollar
near you. Great job, Xers. Everything's ruined.
Hey, you greasy wankers. It's time for the Midwest
concert calendar. Want a tool to Wichita? Static
X with Gore and Dope at the Cotillion on May
26th. Marshall Tucker Band at the Temple Live
Wichita on May 29th. Alice Cooper and Judas Priest
in Trust Arena October 8th. Diggly Rock just
up the road in Kansas City at Grindr's August
13th. Jerry Cantrell supports a solo album, I
Want Blood. He will be live at Tub Camp Theater
in Kansas City September 14th. Black Oak Amphitheater
landed in Missouri May 31st. Up Cherry and Hinder.
How about Tulsa? Go see the Toadies at Canes
Ballroom August 27th, or how about the Melvins
Thursday, October 14th, Canes Ballroom also.
Keep listening for more updates coming soon.
Have you ever wondered what something is about?
Have you ever looked at something and said, hmm,
I wonder what the origin of that is? Well, so
have we. That's why we give you The Origin of
The Origin of the Middle Finger. The origin of
the middle finger gesture is an insult, is debated.
but it's widely believed gap roots in ancient
greece and rome specifically asleep to phallic
symbolism and used as a way to express insults
taunt or even more people the specific origins
are unclear the middle finger has been documented
as a gesture of disrespected anger for over two
millennia Yay. Let's see. What the hell is that
going to say here? Okay, we're going to go to
emails. All right. Oh, a little bit later on,
we have 7 -Eleven Taquitos versus other foods.
We're at Food Wars, only we're doing a little
bit different. Oh, cool. It's 7 -Eleven Taquitos.
We know how tough they are. They're going to
be fighting a lot of foods. Oh, my God. Oh, my
God. Yeah, they will. I can't wait. They wear
tank tops and muscle shirts, and they beat the
hell out of you when you look at them wrong.
So we love them. All right. First one. Rob, I
was needing a couple of homemade lures, please.
There's this huge carp in the beautiful Massey
Creek arm of Lake Freeman. It's my understanding
that your cheetah fishing guide has its own homemade
lures. Mitch, President and CEO of W Highway
Douchebag Brigade of South Central Cass County.
Rob? He's fucking with you. Okay, Mitch. He's
poking you in the chest. You are stepping up.
You are stepping up. You've got a whole group
listening to this now. Mm -hmm. Actually, yeah,
there are some homemade fishing lures available.
You've got to come see me. There you go, Mitch.
Camden 10 secret bunker. You have to knock a
certain way and put a code in, right? Yep. Yep.
This next one, this person has seriously listened
for a long time. Because I've done this particular
what they're talking about with Topher. It's
like three years ago. Mark, seriously, you have
a good homemade pasta sauce recipe? I listened
to an old episode and you mentioned that sometimes
you make your own pasta sauce. I'm trying to
do better whole food eating starting with the
sauces. Andre in California. Yeah, I do. Let
me think. I forgot to jot it down, but I think
I can do it by memory. Okay. Three 8 -ounce cans
of unsweetened Hunt's tomato sauce. Has to be
Hunt's. It has a certain taste that works really
well. Three 8 -ounce cans. And I'm not joking.
Two garlic cloves minced. Two teaspoons of butter.
and you melt it all together slowly you simmer
it and then when it gets a good nice consistency
you add oregano and basil flakes and it should
be about a half teaspoon each when it starts
bubbling you you let it simmer and it'll start
bubbling but it's going to take a little while
but when it starts bubbling around the edges
you add a cap full of white vinegar to it and
let and stir it for about a half a minute and
then turn the heat off and let it sit And I believe
that's it right there. It's really good pasta
sauce, homemade. So, all right, next one. I hope
it works for you, Andre in California. Yeah.
All right. Mark, your sports bastard is doubling.
Oh, oh, I forgot the main thing. A wooden spoon.
Don't use a metal spoon. A wooden spoon. A metal
spoon gives it. Yes, use a wooden spoon. you'll
get a much better taste out of the sauce because
it leaves kind of a taste to it. Yeah. And that's
no joke. That is serious stuff. Yeah, and when
you're allowing it to simmer, leave the wooden
spoon in it. It gives out a little bit of flavor,
believe it or not. I know it sounds weird, but
it's true. All right, Mark, your sports bastards
is doubling the audio again. Could you please
fix it? This is the first one in a while. I would
like to hear it. Thank you, Johnny and OP. Johnny
and OP, thank you. I got on there and I took
it down and I fixed it. And I appreciate you
letting me know because I did not have a chance
to listen to it after I posted it. I did it in
the morning before I went to work. But thank
you. Appreciate it, Johnny. Hey, guys, I hear
you, as in KC, got the, well, me, Rob's down
there, got the tornadoes and we didn't get the
brunt of it for once. Enjoy, my friends. We need
a break here in Tulsa. How about the top 70 comedy
movies of all time? I knew he was going to come
up with that one. Did you really? I like it.
I like that one. I have felt that question coming
for a couple weeks, Tulsa King. There you go.
Rob's on to you. He knows. Well, he's your biggest
fan. You should know. So, anyhow. I know. I know.
But seriously, for like the last couple weeks,
I've just been waiting for him to bring up our
top seven comedy movies. I really have. Cool.
That's weird. All right, the Tulsa King. We shall
do that Tuesday? Yeah, let's go Tuesday. All
right. Talk soon. Day after tomorrow. All right.
Cool. Thank you, Ronnie, like always. And yes,
you are still royalty and you will always be.
Yes. By the way, I've got a story for him a little
bit later that I'm going to read. Okay. Why is
Apple making me pay a subscription to hear your
podcast? You said it was free. Walt in Texas.
It is free. I don't know what type of platform
you're on with. apple tunes or whatever but there
is paywalls there and you can get us on that
but you can get us on the free one so um i i
don't know what to tell you i i don't know why
it's trying to charge you you must be on a slightly
wrong site you go to the free section and we're
in there but if you go to a paywall we're also
going to be in there too because you get all
the free stuff with the paywall so see where
you're at, and figure it out from there. That's
all I can really do for you. I mean, I can't,
you know. Go ahead, Rob. As I do, like we always
say, go to Google. Everybody knows you can listen
to us on Google. Yeah, I mean, we actually show
up on all the major ones, even Odyssey, who we
didn't even enroll with, which we love that.
Thank you, Odyssey, for whoever put us up there.
Thank you. Yeah. I don't know what else to say.
I mean, you can go to all these other sites.
Like you said, Rob, Google us. There'll be RSS.
There'll be Spotify. There'll be Amazon. There'll
be all of these. We are on literally every platform
you can think of, audio platforms. So we're all
over. The doucheness is everywhere. And what
the hell was that? Walt. Walt in Texas. Thank
you. Thank you for inquiring. That's what you
need to do. I love your podcast. I put it on
to keep the coyotes away from my chickens at
night. Ray and Del Ray. Awesome. I think that's
bullshit, Rob. We tested them with all coyotes
and they loved us. Could have maybe been a hyena
or something. Yeah. Hyenas hate us. They have
been a cooter. Cougars love it. No, cougars love
it. Cougars love it. Yes, all kinds. All kinds
of cougars love it. Yeah, yeah, that's bullshit.
Coyotes love us. We tested almost 100 % with
that. Yes, we have. Now, if you said a hyena,
we'd believe it. We did very poorly with hyenas.
I don't know why. Yeah, so. They're picky. Yeah,
and also. Armadillos. We did horrible Armadillos,
too. I don't know why. So, it could have been
Armadillo. I think that's just because they don't
listen. Oh, that's probably why. That's right.
They can't hear us inside their shell. They just
do what they do. Yeah, they just kind of walk
around and look funny, and that's about it. All
right. Will Topher ever join the Douchebags podcast
again? I love the Creeps and Bastards, but would
love to hear him on some stories like you used
to, Dolly and Fort Osage. I imagine he'll probably
come on here sometime with us. He doesn't have
anything against it, and we certainly love him.
Right, right. But I can't tell you when. I mean,
you know, Topher's got to have some time to dedicate
to it. You know, we take up a full day doing
that down at the river market. So, you know,
we're already taking one day out of his whole
thing. And at the same time, I'm trying to...
find time to get on the music creeps too so i
know the feeling we can't wait to have rob on
the music creeps i can tell you that right now
because uh he is our country connection and our
southern rock connection so okay i need to get
back to it i've been kind of absent for music
creeps lately um do you want to go ahead and
go into fuck hammer's top seven songs Yep, that
is it. Okay, yeah, then definitely. Mitch. Yeah,
Mitch. This was Mitch's list. All right, Rob,
without any further ado, let's hear it. Yes.
You're ready. Okay, my number seven. Tote, tote,
pass. It's got a good instrumental. It's got
a very good instrumental in it. Cool. Number
six. Candy ass. And at number five, who could
forget Toss My Cookies. Cool. Number four. Hammer
me, please. Yeah, it's getting better, Rob. Number
three. Hammer comes down. Oh, that's my favorite,
Rob. Oh, that is a great song. Yeah, that is
a good one. Classic. Instant classic. who could
forget the iconic fuck this shit. Yes, that's
what they do for all the encores. And at number
one, I mean, come on, it was the best song ever.
Ever. Mitch, you're a bitch. Had to throw it
in there, man. There you go, Mitch. That's love
from us. Sorry, Mitch. I love you, Mitch. He
loves you, and so do I. We both love you. And
probably millions of douchebags. Well, we probably
don't have millions. Hundreds of douchebags.
No, we have quite a few listeners. A lot of douchebags
probably like you, too. Or assholes, not douchebags,
assholes. We call them assholes, affectionately.
All right, my number seven is, who can forget
the great song, Pinchin' a Loaf? Oh, I know.
It has that instrumental in there. It's just
so, oh, yeah. Yeah, it's just a dreamy song.
I love it. They were very instrumental. They
really were. Yeah, yes. Number six was their
diabolical song that really didn't have an explanation.
It's called Dead Shoebox. And nobody really knew,
you know. It was just, you know. Hey. I think
I remember that one. Yeah, yeah. It was off of
Trashy Horrible Leftover Songs and B -Sides was
the name of the album. Remember that one? Yeah.
Okay, yeah, I do. Yeah, now I do remember this
song. Side one, fourth song. Yeah, yeah. Who
can forget the iconic anal sex? That thing. Oh.
Oh, man. Yeah. Never did what I did. Any song
about butt fucking has got to be a complete classic,
right? Got to be a classic. And then we can't
forget about the party song. This is like their
rock and roll all night. Big Ass Joint. That.
Oh, hell yeah. And the video where they're passing
around that Cheech and Chong sized joint. Well,
yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then we cannot forget.
The very anthem -like song a lot of teenagers
still sing it to this day. And that would be
Crotch Sausage. I mean, that's just... Oh, shit.
Oh, what a song. What a song. I forgot. This
is like the third time in the top ten it's on
the hit. I know. It keeps creeping up there.
I keep forgetting about it. Billboard's getting
tired of it, man. It's kind of like Dark Side
of the Moon. You're like, will they ever forget
about this song? Well, the answer's no. Number
two is the good old song you do to wake people
up. Nutslap. Oh, hell yeah. Yeah, Nutslap is
a great power song. I mean, yeah. I can't forget
the crunchy guitars and the sound of nuts being
slapped. It was great. Fucking great. And number
one, Ass Sweat. That's such a great ballad. Yeah,
yeah, yeah. Yeah, the ballad. As far as ballads
go, yeah, that's good. Yeah, Ass Sweat is just
one of the best ballads ever written. I mean,
I think, weren't there like several like, They
won, like, several contests as the best ballad
ever. Ass Sweat. Something like that. Yeah, I
thought so. So, all right, Rob, we turn to you.
Oh, you were talking about... Yeah, it's like
this. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, that's our dogs
are, too. The only one that doesn't get mad is
a pug in our house, but go ahead. I'm sorry.
Uh -huh. Uh -huh. I go right back to sleep, and
I didn't think nothing of it. Uh -huh. Next morning,
I wake up. Dude, there is a slice in the side
of my toe where his tooth went in my damn big
toe. He was pissed. And I looked on his sheets.
There was blood on his sheets. I'm like, what
the? Dude. Boss is the boss. I need to get him
some anger management classes or something. Jeez,
yeah, I think. Doesn't he know who feeds him?
I guess so. That would probably be something
like Foster and Tucker would do to us. They cannot
stand it when you touch them at night. They'll
jump up growling and ready to kill. Wow. Alright.
Okay. Do you know who Nick Jonas is? Yeah, yeah,
the Jonas Brothers. Jonas Brothers, yeah. I don't
know if you're going to believe this one. Okay,
try me. This one caught me off guard because
I didn't hear about it until now. Okay. Nick
Jonas is going to need a lot of work on his Starchild
makeup. Okay. where I'm going here. Jonas, who
became a music superstar in his own right with
the Jonas Brothers nearly 20 years ago, is in
final negotiations to portray lead singer Paul
Stanley in an upcoming biopic on the band Kiss.
I think that's awesome! And he might do good.
He might do good. Hey, he can sing. Paul Stanley
can sing. He can perform. I bet you it's going
to work out well. Yeah. Deadline reports the
movie titled Shout It Out Loud is scheduled to
begin production at the end of 2026. So it won't
be out until 2027. We've got to wait a little
while, but you know what? I guess we'll have
to. Yeah. Jonas reportedly will do his own singing
in the film. Okay. So he's going to sing Paul's
favorite parts. Very cool. The Holiday Reporter
says castings still is underway for other members
of the band, including band -based player Gene
Simmons. Okay. I wonder who's going to play Gene.
Yeah, he is the only one they're talking about
casting so far. Okay, just Paul Stanley. Yeah,
that's pretty much what I was asking. Okay, gotcha.
I think that might work out. Of course, it remains
to be seen, but I think that might work out.
I do, too. Yeah, he's a very talented guy. I
mean, they're a boy band or a girl band or whatever.
I know this. They're teeny bop, but they are
still talented. Nick Jonas is probably the most
talented out of all of them, so I'm all for it.
I want to see it. Oh, now, this report is saying
it's going into production late 2025 or early
2026. Okay, even better. We'll get to see it
sooner. Okay. Well, thank you, Rob. That's a
pretty cool story right there. I always love
biopics. Ozzy's supposed to be coming out with
one. Sharon and Ozzy about him and, you know,
when they met and he was all fucked up and Sharon
had to, like, rehab him and all this stuff. I
mean, it's going to be really good when it comes
out. So, all right. You want to do 7 -Eleven
Taquitos versus? Sounds good. All right. Well,
this is food wars. Okay. This whole thing, this
whole segment started, um, quite a while ago
now where, um, I was walking through Costco and
I, um, was going through the produce section
and I see an orange or something like that, or
a banana. And I'm like, man, what would happen
if that orange jumped out and start kicking the
shit out of those grapes? Who would win? Because
yeah, that's, that's what I do. I think a weird
shit like that. So this is where this came from.
So we pose a match, and then we debate over who's
going to win it. So, okay. So this is 7 -Eleven
taquitos versus all other foods. So I'm going
to start this one off. How about a 7 -Eleven
taquito versus pepperoni rolls? 7 -Eleven taquito?
Yeah, because they are spicy and they have that
hard wrapper on them. I think they could jump
and club the piss out of the pepperoni roll and
smash it and the inside pepperoni would squish
out, right? Yeah. How about a 7 -Eleven taquito
versus a volcano lava five -star chili? Okay,
that would be a close one. Yeah, I think the
chili's going to win because I think the chili
can jump on top of him and burn him. Yeah, I
might do chili on that one. Okay, all right.
Well, the volcano lava five -star chili, which
is actually really a chili. Look it up. We'll
win. All right. How about a 7 -Eleven taquito
versus a good old lovable corn dog? Taquito.
Taquito. Taquito, yeah. Yep. Here's another one
very similar, but you know what? It wants a fight,
so we're going to have to mention it. How about
a 7 -Eleven taquito versus pigs in a blanket?
Thanks for coming, pigs. You get a consolary
prize on the way out. See you. Have a good one.
You get something just for showing up. Yes, yes,
you're going to get a complimentary prize just
for getting your ass whipped by the 7 -Eleven
taquito. Next one, 7 -Eleven taquito versus teriyaki
chicken. I know, that's kind of interesting,
isn't it? I'm going to have to give it to the
taquitos. Okay, I think so too. Just because
of the cheap ass burn you get afterwards. Well,
let me pose this, though. Teriyaki is Asian,
right? Well, they know jiu -jitsu. A lot of them
do. They know martial arts. Could the teriyaki
chicken maybe know jiu -jitsu or something? It
might, but... You think a sublimed taquito is
a street fighter? I think a cheap taquito is
going to give you the aspirin. You know what?
They'll give you the aspirin, and plus, they
are a... They are a mean food. I mean, they are
like, they are bad news. They're the people,
they're the ones in the corner looking dangerous
that you want to stay away from. They'll put
their cigarette out in your eye just for the
hell of it. So, how about a 7 -Eleven taquito
versus pigs in a blanket? Oh, wait, I already
did that. Fuck. What am I saying? A 7 -Eleven
taquito versus bean and red chili burrito. I
almost want to go with burrito because I think
the size and the thickness of it could jump on
top of taquito. Yeah, I think, yeah, we're going
to do that to burrito. Okay, all right. The bean
and red chili burrito, she'll be the victor.
This next one's really interesting. It depends
on how you look at it. So, all right, Lou, we'll
have to talk this over. How about a 7 -layer
taquito versus 7 -layer dip? Yeah, yeah, the
dip will jump on it and smother it. So, okay.
And plus, it has seven layers. I mean, it's going
to be hard to beat that. So, how about a seven
-layer taquito versus grilled Polish sausage?
Okay, you made a battle with saying grilled.
Yes, it's grilled. That's why I put grilled in
it. Yeah, grilled's tough because... I think
being grilled, you would have to give it to the
Polish sausage. I think so, too, because it just
came off of a fire. It's snapping mad. It's ready
to kill. And then the taquito comes up there
fucking with it. Okay, that's a battle right
there on top. Yeah, I'm going to go grilled Polish
sausage because after you get burnt like that,
you don't give a shit. You know, you're snapping
mad. You're ready to kill. All right, is it agreed?
Yes. Alright, grilled Polish sausage will win.
How about a 7 -Eleven taquito versus crab legs?
Can a crab leg maybe jump up and smack them with
the little horny part? Horny? Horn part? You
know, where they have the little horns coming
out of the bottom of the crab legs? I was thinking
that possibly if there was, like, some, like,
ligaments or something in it. Maybe. Might make
the pictures work again. Okay. Yeah, yeah. You
know, like, bad people can kick, you know. Okay,
I'm thinking crab legs could do that. So I'm
thinking a crab leg will kill a taquito. It will
slice it in half. Yeah, it'll reach up and clamp
down on that claw, I think. Yeah, it'll slice
it right in half. It's a final battle. If it's
a final battle, it will go down. It will. I agree.
All right. How about sublime taquito versus a
fully loaded twice -baked potato? You know, that's
kind of, you know, at first I thought the taquito
was going to win, but that twice -baked potato
is hot. It has hot butter in it. It has, like,
bacon bits, you know, all that stuff. Yeah, the
bacon, yeah. Yeah, so I'm going to kind of go
with the fully -loaded twice -baked potato. Yeah,
I might go with that. All right, and then finally,
a sublime taquito versus a spicy Rotel dip. Yep,
man. You know, I thought 7 -11 taquitos were
tough until we did this. Now I realize they're
kind of ordinary. Yeah. Man, they just got their
ass run. Wow. I like that list. What do you think?
Oh, yeah. I loved it. Like I said, I figured
taquitos would be whipping ass. Me too. No, we
analyzed it, man. Taquitos are tough, but, man,
there's a lot of stuff tougher than them. Yeah.
Yeah. So, like, I mean, well, anyhow, let's take
our second break, and we'll come back with something
you want to talk about. Rob, you like that? Yeah.
And then we'll go into the story that I said
that Ronnie and Tulsa, the Tulsa King, would
want to hear, or maybe not want to hear. So we'll
be right back. Please remember to go to Cole's
dressing room, wait five minutes, and scream,
Hey, there's no toilet paper in here! Now, from
his underground bunker in Camden, Missouri, stocked
full of dried goods, canned food, and a couple
of vibrating toys, is Ramblings of a Madman,
featuring Rob Rad. My mechanic told me I couldn't
repair your brakes. So I made you warm water.
Good job. Now it's time for Pick Up Lines from
a Loser. Hey girl, are you a beaver? Cause damn.
Miss Gulkenstein was tired of Mark and Toe for
making sport of her. Little did the douchebags
know Miss Gulkenstein was a voodoo high priestess
when she was younger. She grew angry and cast
a spell on Rob. Changing Rob into a capuchin
monkey. Mark took Rob to a local zoo so he could
be with the other monkeys. Here are the adventures
of Rob, the capuchin monkey. Shh, be very quiet.
We're going to listen in as Rob, the capuchin
monkey, tries to sell the rest of the capuchin
monkeys Amway. Rob has always dreamed of becoming
a diamond status Amway as a capuchin monkey.
Little did our hero Rob know. All the great apes
owned stock in Sam's Club and became violently
pissed off when he tried to infringe on their
territory. They promptly grabbed switches and
beat his ass for three days straight. Rob could
not sit down. Why, Whataburger, you say? Well,
because what a deep -fried crispy chicken nugget
just didn't have the right ring. I'm operating
here on the extreme southern tip of the Kansas
City Metroplex. And I am Rob on the beautiful
nine lawn of Lake Diocese. By the way, my name
is Mark. I'm not sure if I said that or not.
So if I didn't, there you go. If I did, then
you heard it twice. Rob, we turn to you. All
right. A suspect has been arrested in connection
with the theft of an electric guitar in Mandalay.
Taken from the band Heart before they performed
at Hard Rock Atlantic City on Friday, May 30th.
Oh, wow. Yeah, somebody stole a guitar and a
mandolin. Atlantic City Police charged Garfield
Bennett, a 57 -year -old resident of Pleasantville,
New Jersey, with burglary and theft on Wednesday,
June 4th. He was spotted on camera attempting
to sell the instruments in Atlantic City. Then
it matched the description of the man seen in
Simeo's video captured at the Hard Rocks at his
arena. Hard guitarist Nancy Wilson lost a custom
baritone Telecaster Fender with a purple sparkle
finish and a multicolored design on the headstock.
While band member Paul Boak was robbed of a 1966
Gibson EN -50 mandolin he's performed with for
more than 25 years. Oh, wow. Neither instrument
has been recovered. Police say Bennett sold one
of them to an unknown buyer and have not determined
what became of the other. They're asking whoever
has it. Come forward and surrender them or face
arrest and charges for receiving stolen property.
I think they'll get them back. Oh. Yeah, I hope
so, too. Man, that sucks. That's shit, isn't
it? Yeah. I mean, that's two iconic instruments,
man. I know. Wow. How do you even think you're
going to get away with something like that? I
know, because if you sell it, someone's going
to notice it. I mean, you know, they're too popular
still to this day, a popular band. And word like
that gets around quick. Look at Zach Wild's guitar
that was stolen. He got it back like a year later
or something. Yeah. Yeah. Something like that.
Yeah, something like that. So, wow. All right.
Tulsa King, Ronnie in Tulsa. All right. Okay.
in sitcom parks and recreation. His husband,
Tristan Kern D. Gonzalez, said a man started
yelling violent homophobic slurs and then opened
fire when they were visiting their former home,
which was destroyed in a fire in January. Police
in Texas said despite online claims of this being
a hate crime, currently the investigation has
found no evidence to indicate that Mr. Joss'
murder was related to his sexual orientation.
The shooting happened when the couple went back
to the site of their old house, which was burned
down after over two years of threats from people
in the area who reportedly told us they would
settle on fire, Gonzalez wrote on Facebook. When
we returned to the site to check our mail, we
discovered the skull of one of our dogs and its
harness placed in clear view. It's caused both
of us severe emotional distress. We began yelling
and crying in response to the pain of what we
saw, he wrote. While we were doing this, a man
approached us. He started yelling violent homophobic
slurs at us, then raised a gun from his lap and
fired. Jonathan and I had no weapons. We were
not threatening anyone. We were grieving. We
were standing side by side when the man fired.
Jonathan pushed me out of the way. He saved my
life. Gonzalez added that Josh gave me more love
in our time together than most people ever get,
and that's why we were in the process of looking
for a trailer after getting married on Valentine's
Day. I was with him when he passed. I told him
how much he was loved. That's horrible. Yeah,
I had that story, but you brought it to us. Well,
did you know that... That is sad, man. Tulsa
King did not know that because I asked him if
he wouldn't care if I read that story, and he
said no. He already knew about it, but he said
read it because a lot of people don't know. Right.
Yeah, I mean, look, whether it was against homosexuals
or not, I don't know. Could have been a hate
crime, but it was a fucking hate crime because
if you murder someone, I think that's a hate
crime too. Yeah, that is fucking sad that someone
would do that. You know, and if all that other
stuff happened, I'd feel for those guys because
that's horrible. So I would hope that the, I
think, San Antonio Police Department would recognize
if something like this happened. But at the very
least, that guy needs to go to jail and stay
there. So anyhow, sad day. Rob? We turn to you.
Okay. Miami Marlins pitcher Ryan Weathers took
some friendly fire on Sarri from his own catcher.
Just after Weathers had delivered his final warm
-up pitch before Sarri's start against the Tampa
Bay Rays at George M. Steinberger Field in Tampa,
Florida, this catcher, Nick Fortes, Thrilled
him in the head. Cortez was trying to throw the
ball down to second base, but he caught Weathers
right in the head instead. Weathers went down
in a heap, was able to recover and start the
game anyway. Okay, that's cool. I'm glad he was
able to start the game. Honestly, I'm surprised
that don't happen more often. I bet it does,
it's just not worthy. Yeah. Most of the time
it's not worthy of mention. I guess they dropped
this guy. Wow, yeah. That's why it got pub. Yeah,
and it went in to say he was lucky that it was
just after warm -up because the catcher wasn't
giving his all. Because if that catcher was trying
to throw the second to get somebody out, that
really would have hurt that pitcher. Yeah, it
might have done it. He would have had a lot more
fire on that throat. Yeah, it could have been
brain bleed. It could be anything. A close head
injury is not good. It could have been much worse.
Yeah, it could have been a lot worse. Wow. All
right. Thank you, Rob. There's a guy that wrote
over 30 ,000 wills, and he wrote not a book but
an online memoir of some of the strangest requests.
You want to hear them? Sure. All right. A couple
who set up their own wheel riding company have
told us all the stranger requests they have received,
including being paid in crabs. Robert and Gil
Phipps set up Pembroke Hill Riders in 2000 with
a secondhand laptop and a printer in the dining
room of their home. Here are some of their stories
that they collected over the years of doing this.
One man paid a portion of his fee in a live crab.
I felt so bad for the animal, I couldn't eat
it. I said, if anyone reports someone acted suspicious,
it's just me putting the crab back into the sea.
Because of client confidentiality, Robert said
he can't go into many details, but he says it's
often tricky to marry people's requests with
what is legally possible. For example, he once
had a mom who wanted to ensure her sons didn't
spend their inheritance on fast cars and fast
women. He said, who defines fast women? I tried
to explain that you can't really put that in
a will. All that will happen is there'll be endless
court arguments over what counts as fast car
or fast women. One person wanted us to leave
a chunk of his money to a complete stranger who
looked rather poor. We couldn't legally do that,
so we left that portion to an animal shelter.
Another had his children play a game of Twister.
to determine who got the boat and who got the
house and who got the car and accounts and so
forth. The man didn't want everything sold and
then divided so he chose to make them play a
game of twister and according to however they
did is what they won. The strangest, and we could
accommodate this request, a bouncy house full
of 20 -pound notes. The object, this is from
England, the object was all the family who received
inheritance would have three minutes to stuff
as many in a pillowcase as possible. What was
left went to charities of the children's request.
And there are many more we might write a book
perhaps someday. All right. Interesting ones.
Rob, you got something? You want to wrap this
bitch up? What do you want to do? Actually, yeah.
I do have to make a note before I go into my
next story. Okay. You know how I mentioned that
they were coming out with a free bird video from
Leonard Skinner? Yeah. I actually got to watch
it the other morning. How was it? Friday morning.
Honestly, man. It's like a video that we would
have thought they would have made years ago.
I mean, same storyline, everything. It's just
the vehicles were newer, you know? Awesome. It
would have been the same storyline. It's a great
video. It goes right along with the song, just
like I said. Okay. But unfortunately, it's 40
years too late, but oh well. Okay. All right.
Okay. No, I was saying go ahead. Yeah. On another
note, one man recently accepted a peculiar food
challenge. Go to Arby's and get the least ordered
item. The sandwich has him rethinking everything
he knows about Arby's. Late May, TikToker Anthony
Villegas posted a video reply to a comment challenging
them to try the least popular item at Arby's.
And the TikTok, Villagus, films the entire experience.
He pulls into the drive -thru and asks the worker
on the intercom which item people order least
often. After he paused, the worker says it's
the chicken cordon bleu sandwich. Okay. They
do have. After he gets the sandwich, Villica
opens it up and shows the camera the fried piece
of chicken topped with ham, Swiss, and a layer
of mayonnaise on a real spot. Sounds good to
me. And then he takes a bite. You can't believe
how good it is. What is this sauce? Yeah. Wow.
Yeah, man. You never know what you have on the
menu. Try everything, guys. Yeah. He asked for
the least ordered thing. He fell in love with
it. Very cool. They've had cordon bleu for probably
30 years. I mean, they've had that on there for
a long, long time. And I had a long time ago,
and I thought it was good, too. I mean, Harvey's
does have some surprisingly good stuff. So, all
right. Well, I don't really have anything else.
Do you have anything? That's not all I have for
tonight, brother. All right. Thank you guys for
listening. Have a good night, assholes. Good
night, assholes. Oh, no. Looks like the show's
over, kids. Mark has explosive diarrhea and can't
afford a wireless mic. Fear not, assholes. They'll
be back invading your ear holes soon.