Hey, you fucking derelicts. It's time for the
Daily Douchebag Pledge. I, Joe or Jane Listener,
hereby promise to download the show. I, Joe or
Jane Listener. Hereby promise to grab other people's
phones, unattended computers, public computers,
and all of my work computers as well, and download
the show from there. I, Joe or Jane Listener,
hereby promise to make other people listen. I,
Joe or Jane Listener. will hereby lie to everyone
about how quality the show is. I, Joe or Jane
Listener, promise to make all my family members
listen and recite the daily douchebag pledge.
And finally, I, Joe or Jane Listener, hereby
promise to make the trek to Knobloch, Missouri,
just to have a selfie with the Knobloch sign.
Here at Two Douchebags and a Microphone, we don't
stand behind our journalistic integrity. Go ahead
and assume we got the story wrong. At least we
admit it. Not like all those other guys. We can
and will lie if it makes the story better. Two
douchebags and a microphone. Invisible ass paddlings,
new douche flavors, and horrible pranks? The
fuck is wrong with these guys? Introducing Rob
Rad's new book, How to Track Your Enemy by Scent.
That's right, smell your enemy before they get
you. Order this gem now and get a free virtual
tour of Rob's secret bunker in Camderton, Missouri.
Also receive a free copy of his new book, How
to Clean Raw Sewage for Food. So you want proof
that we love you here at QD Spades and Microfilm
Central? Here's a proof right here. How about
the drink of the week? Hey, all you drunk belly
dancers. This one's for you. This is a Butch
Wacker. This is from Norwegian Cruise Line's
Best Drinks. This is a chocolatey, delicious
drink. Thick. You can make yourself. It starts
out one ounce of rum, one half ounce of Chocono,
chocolate -flavored liqueur, one half ounce of
vodka, one half ounce of Bailey's Irish Creek,
one half ounce of Kahula, and one half ounce
of Amaretto. Shake all together. Put in a glass.
And there you are. Delightful, chocolatey goodness.
Enjoy. Two douchebags, a microphone, and an effort
to keep everything fresh. We offer you first
world problems. The ATM wants me to make a new
PIN number for security purposes. I don't have
an extra two minutes. I need my Starbucks. I'm
having the worst day ever. Yes, it's true. Mark
is an old bastard. It's also true that Mark uses
a lot of ibuprofen. But Mark would like to tell
you, if you see any pictures of improved ibuprofen,
it's obviously fake, and you're to take the pictures
and tear them up immediately. As much fun as
an electric can opener to the scrotum, two douchebags
and a microphone. Two douchebags and a microphone.
I'm Mark in the Kansas City arm of this here
program. And I am Rob at the beautiful Niagara
Arm of Lake of the Ozarks. And trust me, it's
beautiful this time of year. Oh, it is. It is.
All the leaves are in full bloom. Oh, my God.
Beautiful weekend, though. It was, wasn't it?
Yeah. Middle of May. Yep, that's when it starts
heating up. What, two weeks or three weeks away?
Yeah, Memorial Day is when you figure out that
the squirrels chewed up all your wires while
you were gone. And Labor Day is the day you have
to mow the lawn and shut everything down. You
would get down before Memorial Day to find that
out, before everybody, all your family gets there.
I knew people that did that, and then I also
knew people that went down there and was like,
oh, shit, and figured it. Because by that time,
everyone hired all the contractors in that area
to come fix their shit. So you're on a waiting
list. I'm telling you, the wildlife down here
is vicious. Yeah, they are. Even the poor ladies.
Yes. Oh, and also, let's see, there's been Chupacabra
sightings down there. Do you know that? Have
you seen that? No, I have not seen that. It's
on one of the Ozark webpages. I'll look into
it. There's like a photo sketch. I think that
was around Lori. Yes, yes. Yeah, yeah, they have
a picture, and it's a night picture, of course.
But, I mean, it looks like something, I don't
know what the hell it is, I can tell you that.
Yeah, I read it a while back, and look at, like
you said, look at the picture. I'm not so convinced.
No, me neither. I mean, it could have been a
lot of things. I think it may have been a rabbit
dog, you know. That's kind of what I thought,
too, or a coyote. Some dog. Yeah, because dogs
can look pretty gnarly when they're not well
kept at home. And also, it could have been a
coyote. All that stuff. And mange will turn a
dog's fur blue and different colors like that,
too. So, I mean, you know what? But I'm all about
the Chubacabra. I hope it's the Chubacabra. And
I hope they catch it and they prove to everyone
it exists. Right? Yeah, all right. Then we could
have one at every zoo, right? Hey, while we're
speaking around that location, I have an announcement.
Okay. The Sealand Embassy will no longer be in
Ashland, Missouri. Okay. The Sealand Embassy
is moving to Sunrise Beach. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yes. The Duke. The Duke is moving to Sunrise
Beach right up the road. Okay, and let me describe
this. I'm going to go next week to his new place.
Let me describe this to everybody. A lot of people,
you know, just pick up the program by chance
and don't know its history. Okay, I had this
story about Sealand. It's this little, basically
like a platform off the coast of England, is
it? Or somewhere like that. Okay. Somewhere,
yeah. Well, Rob's brother, the Duke, applied
to be a Duke for Sealand, and he's an official
Duke. And I think Rob's getting ready to do it,
too. Yeah, I am. Yeah. Rob Rad is about to become
an official Duke of Sealand. Yeah, yeah. He's
got to get the paperwork done. And we can't thank
Rob's brother, the Duke, enough for that. And
it's only $450. Yeah, yeah. So you want to be
a Duke of this country. Call yourself a Duke.
And you officially are. You officially are. It
is its own sovereign nation. Yes, yes. And you
are a Duke. You are official. Yeah. You need
to request like something like a meeting with
Congress or something for, I don't know, foreign
aid or some shit. Say, hey, look, we need a couple
of plants on our platform. You know, it looks
kind of bad. You think like maybe the United
States could front us like three or four ferns?
You think I go over? Maybe? Oh, if they have
room. All right. A couple of, you know, that's
true. I wouldn't ask for margaritas just yet.
I would ask for, I don't know, four or five ferns
and then go from there. So, all right. It's like
one yard. Oh, it is, isn't it? Okay, well. Yeah,
it's only population one. It's supposed to be
population two, but there ain't enough room for
the brothers to live there. Yeah, that's right.
How about a bonsai plant? It would probably survive.
There we go. With the tropical weather, yeah,
that might work. Oh, and also, two douchebags
and a microphone, we are the official podcast
of Sealand. Yes, the Duke has made that. Yes,
so if the Duke says so, that's what it is. So
we are the official podcast. If not, once I become
a dude, I'll make sure of it. Oh, and also we
are one step closer to becoming the sponsor of
National Crappy Podcast Day, which I applied
for. Right on. They sent me a return mail. And
they are looking it over right now. So in case
anyone didn't know, here's what happens. If you
want a national day, every day is like, you know,
national pancake day, national toenail fungus
day. I don't know, national pick your nose day.
All this bullshit, okay? So I found out that
what you do is you apply for it online. And I
don't even know who the hell they are. So you
apply for it online. And I said, hey, you know,
two douchebags, a microphone we'd like to sponsor.
National Crappy Podcast Day, and they asked,
okay, what is the purpose? The purpose is for
crappy podcasts to be listened to on that day.
You don't go to Joe Rogan or something like that,
or Dr. Drew, or none of that. None of that. You
go to something like this. People like us. Yeah.
Yeah, the crappy podcasts. That's what the whole
day is about. So they finally sent me a return
email saying, hey, we're checking it out, because
at first I thought they ignored us. Like, oh,
they're joking. This isn't a joke. We want National
Crappy Podcast Day. Read our name. Yeah. Now
we're serious. Yeah. Two douchebags and microphone.
How much crappier does it get than that? I don't
know. Now we're serious. Who better to back that?
Yeah. Yeah. And not only that, but I want to
hear the news whenever they report it. Two douchebags
and microphone. Sponsor National Crappy Podcast
Day. Or I wonder if they do something like D
-Bags. Two D -Bags and a microphone sponsored.
Yeah, you know what? Yeah, they would probably
have fake D -Bags. Yeah, yeah. To keep it cool,
yeah. Yeah, you're right. That's cool. Everybody
knows. Yeah, people will know. Yep, we are working
on that. We want National Crappy Podcast Day,
and not only for us, but all the other podcasters
that are crappy out there. We deserve recognition.
We deserve recognition. All right, I'm going
to finish up some of the crew stuff here, and
there's a little bit of it, so hang with me,
please. And like always, like I said earlier,
Rob, interject. You got a question, throw it
in there. You want to make fun of me? Go right
on ahead. All right. I think I'm going to let
you make fun of yourself, like always. Okay,
that's cool. And that's where I got some of the
people that I grew up with when they gave me
shit. Hey, you're making fun of us. I'm like,
yeah. And I also make fun of myself. Listen to
it. Okay. Yeah. That's what this podcast does.
It's parody. It's humor. So, all right. I just
boarded the cruise and around three miles out,
I had to switch my phone to the internet number
because there's no more phone service three miles
out. The first thing that happens is I actually
get a scam call, Rob. You okay? Oh, shit. What
was that? I'm fine. Oh, okay. Out of my door.
Oh, okay. Yeah. I thought that was a wheeze.
I walked out of the studio for a second. Oh,
okay. The door squeaked. Oh, keep squeaking it.
I don't care. I just thought it was you. Okay.
The first thing that happens is I actually get
a scam call. A guy using a robot voice calls
to tell me I won the publisher's clearinghouse,
Rob. No joke. First off. I didn't even know.
Have you been playing the game? No. No. When
I got this internet number, I guess they figured
it was a new number or something. Because my
old number I lost, I don't have the number to
it. I'd have to go way back to one of the podcasts
where we announced that internet number. And
I don't know which one it is. So he uses this
robo voice. Sounds like a robot. Hello. Greetings.
Good day. I am calling you to tell you that you
won the publisher's clarion house. So the first
thing I do is I ask him, I go, dude, what stage
of throat cancer are you on? Are you okay? He
doesn't say anything. He doesn't respond one
bit. So he went on to tell me all about my winnings.
So I started telling him about when I sent in
the contest letter, which I didn't. I said I
used my lucky llama spit in a jar to seal the
envelope. Nothing. I just knew it was going to
be a winner is what I exclaimed. He once again
ignores what I just told him. So I told him I
had a jar of lucky llama spit. Okay. And I use
it to seal the envelope for luck. And that's
why I won. And he absorbs all this, Rob. No questions.
Okay. Like, okay. All right. No. Llama spit.
Whatever. So I start on him again. But this time
I pretend to answer the door, Rob. And now keep
in mind. I'm in the middle of the boarding of
the lobby of the ship because Val and I just
started ordering drinks and we never made it
all the way up, right? So, yeah, we're down there
in the lobby. It's packed. People are everywhere.
And there's people all around me like listening
to this weird conversation I'm having with Robo
Guy, right? Anyhow, I pretend to answer the door.
I tell the idiot that the publisher's crew was
already at my house. And they said there's no
need for him any longer. And I start celebrating.
Woo, woo, I won. Hell yeah, you know. And he
keeps on yapping. I tell him, I go, dude, they're
here. But thanks, I have to go. So I hang up.
Okay. And then he calls me back. He goes, why
did you hang up on me? And I go, look. I go,
they're here. I don't need you anymore. You know,
it's, you know, I said, I won. They're here.
So thank you for letting me know. So now I'm
going to talk to them and get my check. And he
wouldn't, he, he, he just kept blabbing on and
I just had to keep going. Woo woo. And then finally
he hung up. I did not. I don't know. Yeah. I
mean, it took a long time, but I don't know if
he couldn't hear me very well because his internet
number or what, but I thought like, okay. But
all this stuff, you know, I knew it was going
to win. I used my jar of llama spit, my lucky
jar of llama spit. You know, all this stuff that
I told him, okay? And I knew it was going to
win. And he still just kept yakking. And I don't
know. You know, maybe it was a robot. You know,
maybe they have these robots, you know, trained
to do these internet calls or something. But
anyhow, it did get mad at me for, you know, I
don't know. Anyhow, I started screaming. It was
a good time. I started screaming, I'm going to
Bora Bora in Kashmir. And then finally, finally
he hangs up. So I'm rolling with laughter. I
turn the tables on the idiot and it completely
worked. Meanwhile, you know, we're at the main
lobby bar, like I said. And there's some really
very pleasant people we're talking to. But by
the time I was done with that conversation. They
kind of excused themselves pretty soon after
that. It had to sound pretty bizarre. I mean,
really. So, anyhow. Alright, I had a couple other
pranks too, Rob. Can you believe that? Besides
the publisher's clearinghouse one? Can you believe
that? Yeah? Okay. Not very many people prank
you because they know you're going to get the
better of them. True. All right. Well, the first
prank I did was simple, and I got my ass yelled
at, so I never did it again. Okay, on most cruise
ships, they now have a feature designed to save
energy and money on the ship. When you walk into
your cabin on the wall, on the left on the door,
the left of the door when you open up the door,
there's a slot. You have to put that card in
the slot, and this is your key card, your room
card, okay, to get power. If you don't put your
room card in there, then you don't get power.
And you need that room card to go purchase stuff
and all that because the whole boat's cashless.
It's the room card they give you at the first
and everything's charged on there through the
account that you make. Okay? So... Like a hotel
key card. Yes. Yeah. So, if you don't put that
hotel key card thing into the slot in the wall...
You don't get electric. Yeah, yeah. So I was
going to go get us coffees, me and Val, in the
morning at the coffee house down on 5, and we're
on 14, so it's a little bit of a chore. And I
needed her room card to order her one, but then
I remembered, like I did last time, you know,
I left her card in there for, so she'd keep getting
electricity. I go down there, I go, hey, me and
Val's, you know, our... you know, accountants
together. So just go ahead and they'll look up
her numbers right there with mine, you know,
when I give them my key card. So anyhow, I didn't
need it. I was like, hey, you know, they always
find your card. Well, guess what I did? I took
her card anyhow. So she's in there watching TV
or the lights on. Yes. So, yeah, yeah, I just.
Oh, about 25 minutes. Yeah, she was pissed. Like
I said, it happened once, never again. Once,
and it will never happen again, will it, Mark?
It will never happen again, no. But it was funny
to do it once. Oh, hell yeah. I'll give you that
one. Here I am going, hey, man, I can have them
look up your number. I don't have to take your
card. Then on the way out, I'm like, yeah, fuck
it. I'm going to take her card. So, um, we booked
the sunset cruise in Aruba and it's not till
4 30 PM. So it's around 10 AM, something like
that. The boat been docked since like 8 AM. And
you know, like, um, like I went into the last
show, I was sick and I could hardly move. Right.
Because of my own doing. Um, We decide to try
to leave the ship after all. You know, Aruba
is one of our favorite stops ever. So Val helps
me a ton, and, you know, I repay her with that
rotten trick. Okay. I gingerly start my walk
out of the gangway. We decided to get a taxi
and we go to this place called Eagle's Beach,
which it has deep turquoise waters. And it's
really great for snorkeling, diving and swimming.
And the ocean there is just amazing. I mean,
if you don't know, take a look and take a look
at like Eagle's Beach and the water and stuff.
It's easy to find online or Aruba in general.
I mean, it's just such a beautiful place. And
get this. I didn't have to snorkel to see all
this fish. That's how clear the water is there.
Yeah, it's insane. I mean, I've seen like probably
30 different species of fish without any snorkel
on at all. Just like just, you know, standing
in the ocean and looking down. And then we went
on the sunset cruise a little bit later, but
I'm feeling better by this time, so it's like
no big deal. They had a full open bar, but I
was really careful with this one, Rob. I only
had beer. They had mojitos and some other stuff,
some whiskey. I'm like, no, no, no, I'll just
stick to beer tonight, and that's it. And it
worked. They had some appetizers and stuff like
that, but, you know, anyhow. Honestly, I've been
a good boy lately myself. Oh, good. Good. You
know what? After this, if you want to go into
it, after this, if you want to talk about it,
that'd be cool. Okay. Okay. Okay, so if you feel
like it. We could go into that and end the story.
Whatever. Go ahead. Okay. All right. Well, I
want to finish this out because, like I said,
I want to get all the crew stuff out of the way,
and then we're going to go on to other stuff
because, I mean, it's becoming old news now,
and there's some stuff that I want to talk about
real quick. All the appetizers they served was
fantastic. They had pesto and mozzarella and
all this stuff, right? Well, the finale was,
it was like an empanada, a chicken empanada,
and then some sort of mystery meat roll. Nobody
could figure out what it was, but it was really
good. So it kind of reminded me of something
that me and my friend Steve did a long time ago.
because the Mystery Meat reminded me of it. So
Steve and I, we went to this Latin club on Southwest
Boulevard called the Oasis. Were you around when
that? Yeah. Okay. No, I know the story you mentioned.
Oh. Yeah, I know the story you're going to tell.
Go ahead. Okay, I didn't realize I told it already,
but okay. Yeah, go ahead. Okay, speaking of Mystery
Meat, like I said. So Steve and I go, we go to
the Oasis and we, you know, we drink quite a
bit. Steve thought I was going to drive and I
thought he was going to drive. So, and the, the,
the show that Steve is on, we didn't have the
Bluetooth to the city market, but he went into
this a little bit better about this story. So,
and he's one that reminded me of it. So anyhow,
we're. And we go in this part, you know, the
Oasis is a nightclub. It's a Latin nightclub.
And we're having a great time. And Steve throws
me the keys when we get outside. I'm like, dude,
I go, why are you throwing me the keys? He goes,
you stayed sober. I go, no, I didn't. I thought
it was your turn. No, no, no, it's your turn.
We couldn't figure out whose turn it was. But
the bottom line is we're both trashed and nobody's
wanting, you know, to drive, especially Southwest
Boulevard at that time of night. They see you
leaving a bar and they're all over you. So, you
know, we're like, hmm. So the first thing we
did was there's this guy selling burritos out
of a cooler at the corner there. And Steve's
truck is around the corner. So we go to the guy's.
Sorry, you got to laugh. Hey, I laugh now. And
actually afterwards. I know the area. Yeah, okay.
So Steve's truck's around the corner, and here's
this guy with burritos and this really, really
fucking mean hot sauce. I mean, this stuff is
like the pit of hell hot sauce. So we figured,
let's have a couple of these burritos with that
hot sauce, and this will sober us up. And it
did. We had a couple of burritos, and Steve and
I get done eating, and we're walking to the truck,
and I go, what kind of meat was that? I don't
know. I don't know. I don't recall having it
that is kind of porous and kind of, I don't know.
It was nothing. It wasn't pork. It wasn't chicken.
It wasn't beef. Him and I start looking at each
other. You're concerned about the sauce. Yes.
And I go, did you see that BB gun sitting in
the alley? Yeah. And him and I looked at each
other. Oh, no. It was either pigeon or cat burritos.
We don't know which one. No, it's funny now.
At the time, I'm like, fuck. This is the story
I thought it was. Yep, yep. So, crazy shit. Hang
on, I've got to turn down the recording volume
just a bit. I'm starting to clip out a bit, and
we don't want that at all. So... No, no, no,
no, no. So, anyhow, you know, the guy, he got
by on us. He sold us cat burritos or something
like that. So, anyhow. And whatever. Yeah. Yeah.
So. Well, at the end of you telling that story
to begin with, is I was talking about this little
Mexican restaurant I used to go to down there.
Uh -huh. On Southwest, right by the bridge. It
was called El Pequeño Guadalajara. I remember
that one. Great food, man. Great food. Authentic.
And that's why it's called the King of Guadalajara
because the family was from Guadalajara. Okay.
And we got talking about the pigeons around the
bridge and you came up with that story. Yeah.
It was probably pigeon then. Yeah, probably pigeon.
Yeah, I'd take a chicken any day over any day.
Yeah, I like pork too. We're having city chicken
tonight. That man is going to go out and shoot
a couple of pigeons, skin them, and char them.
But speaking of charred meat, on Kokomo Beach
in Curacao, there is a bar and grill. I learned
it through the tour that they make charcoal out
of this cactus -like plant. So I saw on the menu
they have barbecue ribs, and we had to order
some, you know, just to try their unique. brand
of charcoal because that's all they have on the
island okay they don't have hickory trees they
don't have mesquite nothing all they have is
cactuses except where it's developed and then
there's palm trees so um this um this stuff that
they get from this cactus i wanted to try i wanted
to try it because you can't get anywhere else
and i i can't say it was better than hickory
and i can't say it was worse than hickory or
or mesquite well i'm not a huge fan of mesquite
but i can't say it's better or worse than any
of them even cherry or apple or whatever it's
just different and it's different enough to where
i want to try to order it but you can't get it
anywhere else they they do not export that so
they just use it for their own charring so and
anyhow I've got I've got another prank here Rob
if you're ready for it okay so I must look bored
you know had you know many opportunities to play
pranks like this last one I'm getting ready to
tell you about okay I was on the boat when I
noticed that the resort I booked through a resort
pass website was completely booked And I thought
I booked it, right? So this is like the last
day of the cruise. I'm starting to freak out.
I'm like, oh, man, the flight doesn't leave until
840. And we have no place to stay until then.
Okay, it's hot. We have our luggage. So I emailed
the chatbot feature on the site. And it suggested
that I might just cold call hotels, right? You
know, I go on that resort pass and daycation
and all those, and they're all sold out. So that
little chat bot, that little chat engine that
they have, I said, hey, you know, how do I find
out about any place? I was certain Miami's huge.
There's got to be some resort that has some room,
right? Well, it said cold call hotels and just
ask them. Because sometimes, you know. People
leave, they cancel, and you might be able to
get a day room and you might be able to get a
resort pass, right? So I'm calling these hotels,
okay? And I guess I found this out later through
someone I know that does bookings. I don't think
he's going to want me to tell his name or what
he does, but he does bookings for people, okay?
And he told me. Whenever you go to book a day
pass, because all these hotels, they hire an
answering service because they're too busy to
answer the phone. The answering service is commissioned.
So how many rooms they sell, it's a percentage
of that. Well, I guess the day passes and the
resort passes, they make hardly anything. So
I'm calling up there. I'm going, hey, yeah, do
you have anything available for May 5th? Oh,
okay. At night, you know. No, no, no, no. Not
at night. A day pass. Click. Do it again. Click.
Do it again. Click. I'm like, you motherfuckers.
So, I call back. And I go, yeah, hey, I want
to book three rooms tonight. So, automatically.
Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. What's your name?
And all this stuff, right? So, I'm giving them
all this bullshit information. And then I start
screwing with them because I'm pissed at this
time, man. I probably called like five of them
and got hung up on. I was fucking furious. So
anyhow, this lady was like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Three rooms, sure. She's thinking she's going
to get all this commission, right? So I start
going over. I go, do you have a salad fork when
you serve lunch? I'm not sure. And I go, I need
a salad fork and a dinner fork. I can't use them
on the both. You understand that, right? I can
put in a request. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I go, what
does the tile look like when you walk in the
hotel? I don't know. I haven't been there. Well,
if it's white tile, I can't go in. What? I just
said it's white. Yeah. And I'm doing all this
stuff and I go, what about the stairs? I go,
do you know, are they over eight inch stairs?
Cause my knee hurts and I can't go over these
eight inch stairs. And it took her about 20 minutes
to realize I was fucking with her. And she, she
hung up on me. Then I called another guy back
and I did half a much to him, but he hung up.
He was a rather impatient and he was kind of
a dick. So I ended up telling him, I go, dude,
fuck you. It's an internet number. I don't care.
It's off now. I shut it off. I told him to go
fuck himself. And anyhow, the revenge was there.
So I got him, you know, and I was doing all this
stuff like, do you have allergen free carpets?
What's that? Well, it's a special coating they
put on the carpets. I have horrible allergies
and it makes me sneeze all the time. And I scratch
my ears and they bleed. Shit like that. No, honestly,
that is something to think about. Allergies.
You know, they have people from everywhere. You
know, I'm sure... They do have allergies. They
should think about stuff like that, to be honest.
You know what? I'm sure that that... I bet you
mentioned it. I bet it is a thing, Rob. I was
just screwing with him. The problem is, the problem
is they probably don't... I mean, yeah, they
have their chemicals they clean with. You know,
your carpet. What's your carpet made of? What's
your bed linen made of? Yeah. You know? Well,
one of the best ones I did was I asked the lady
that I talked to first. I said, do you serve
ice cream in the main dining room? And I go,
I can't have regular ice cream. I'm lactose intolerant.
Could you see if they have the new mustard -based
ice cream? She's like, what? Yeah, and she still
didn't get it. I'm just throwing all this stupid
shit out at her, and I mean... Well, she don't
know you. I caught you right there. Yeah, mustard
-based... Yeah, I would have heard that and been
like, dude, you're fucked, you know? And then
we get to this... It was at Hilton Garden Inn,
and it was right next to South Beach. So we need
to have an extra couple hours, because I noticed...
When I booked it, I had no idea that it was till
four and we needed till 630 and then we leave,
you know, leave for a plane back. So I'm sitting
there and I'm wondering and I see she's dealing
with some other people on vacation deal too,
right? And only they hooked, you know, they did
theirs online. So I come up there and it seems
like they have no information at all. And so
the first thing she says is she goes, did you
book online or direct? So I'm like, hmm. Oh,
I booked online. Okay. So she's like, all right,
okay, cool. And then she's looking through it,
and she goes, do you have a confirmation number?
Read it off to her. Yeah. So I was needing these
extra couple hours, and if they would let me
have it, because their cleaners all go home at
a certain time, right? And I have a feeling it's
4 o 'clock. That's why they want to kick you
out at 4. So I'm like, damn. I go up there and
I'm like, yeah, I booked online. And she's like,
okay. And she's looking everywhere. She doesn't
have any information, right? Because I know this.
So I go, when we're getting ready to leave, I
go, where do we get our beach chairs at? What?
Our beach chairs. It says we get a beach chair
and umbrella, each of us, including in the deal.
We don't have any here. You can rent them over
there. I go, well, the website said that. And
she's like, I don't know. So then I go, what
about the free lunch? I go, it said that you
have a free lunch. Is that the main dining room?
I'm going to go get my lunch. I'm kind of hungry.
What? The website said we get a free lunch. And
she's like, I don't know anything about it. Oh,
I can't believe it. They're taking it back already.
And then finally I go, you know what? I go, at
least, you know what? I mean, we booked till
six o 'clock. is that at least on there and she
goes no but you can stay you can stay till 6
6 30 i don't care it's fine she just it worked
because i i i took a nudge to poke at her and
everything well she do whatever you want she
thought that this website she thought that this
website offered all that stuff because she did
not communicate with them right and so So by
that time, she's thinking I'm very disgruntled
and probably going to go to the Internet and
motherfuck them and all that stuff. So when I
suggested we have an extra couple of hours, she's
like, sure, sure. Yeah. So that's how it worked.
Pretty much. Pretty much. Have your couple hours.
Get the hell out of my face. So anyhow. All right.
I am. Caught up on the crew stuff finally, so
Rob, we turn it over to you. Okay, well, you
know how I'm known to do, like, recalls and stuff?
Uh -huh. Okay, well, I have a Food and Drug Administration
warning. Oh, the FDA. And this is one that I
read it, and I believe it. needs to be taken
care of. Very well, yeah. It seems like it's
aimed towards younger people. Okay. Okay. And
this is off CNN. Okay. The U .S. Food and Drug
Administration is sounding the alarm on a dangerous
and growing health trend that could seriously
harm you. The FDA... Issued a warning Thursday
against the use of gas station heroin, known
as tioneptin. Gas station heroin? That's the
nickname. Okay. Or this chemical that they put
in. Kind of like Bud Hash. There's a Jenga or
something like that. They come up with nicknames.
Okay. Okay, products containing a chemical are
available at gas stores, convenience stores,
gas stations, vape shops, and online retailers.
But the FDA has not approved TNeptune for any
use. The FDA said daily use poses a major risk
to young people's health. Some of the symptoms
of ingesting the product include agitation, coma,
confusion, nausea, vomiting, and even death.
The FDA has taken steps to protect the public
by sending warning letters to companies that
sell TNeptin products. Is this like packaged
stuff? Yeah, I'm thinking it's like, you know
how you buy the speed pills and get the package
or the gas? You've got to watch the chemicals
in it. And this TNF has now been nicknamed gas
station heroin. Okay, well, you see, I thought
you were going completely different. I thought
they were making a drug with something at the
gas pump. Okay, wow. No, no, no, no, no, no.
It's bought in a package. You know how you get
your, what the hell are they? Any of it, your
energy pills, whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah, the
truck stop speed. Yeah, yeah, yep, they come
in a little foil package. Got to watch what's
in it. And evidently, this is becoming a thing,
and I'm taking it towards the younger generation.
Does it say what it does besides coma and all
that? Is it like it does? It doesn't give the
euphoria, but it does say symptoms include agitation,
confusion, nausea. But that could be if you take
too much. I don't know. I have not looked into
it that far. Well, you know what? I think I'm
going to. Well, I may have that on the next one.
You know what? Rob, thank you, because you don't
want to... I just ran across this wall ago. Gas
Stop Heroin. Okay. You guys want to... What is
the name of that? Gas Station Heroin. And the
actual name is Tianectin. Tianectin. T -I -A
-N -E -T -I -N -E. And in that picture above,
they show this energy shot bottle that says Neptune
6. Okay. I'm guessing it's maybe in the liquid
energy shot. I don't know. I am going to do further
research on this. Because we don't need our kids
on this shit. Hell no. Yeah, I know. Wow, thank
you, Rob. Do you want to go... Well, we're going
to have to take our first break. We're way late.
Big surprise. And then do you want to go to emails?
We've got a couple other big things we've got
to get to. Yes, we'll get to them right after
the email. Does that sound like a plan? And now,
Deep Thoughts with Mark. So, if I have a glass
of ice water and the ice melts into the water,
is my water then watered down? Hmm. I may never
know. Your mama's so fat, when she was floating
in the ocean, Spain claimed her as their new
territory. Harambe used to listen to our original
show, Two Dipshits and Cheek Radio Shack Realistic
Tape Recorder. Harambe does not listen to our
original show, Two Dipshits and Cheek Radio Shack
Realistic Tape Recorder anymore. You might ask
why Harambe never listens to our original show,
Too Gypsious, in a cheap Radio Shack realistic
tape recorder. Well, it's because Harambe is
dead. Senselessly murdered because some idiot
did not watch her child properly while looking
on her phone. Sadly, Harambe does not listen
to our original show, Too Gypsious, in the cheap
Radio Shack realistic tape recorder, or any other
show. Anymore. Sorry, Harambe. Origin of April
Fools. Religious holdouts in the 16th century
refused to celebrate the re -established New
Year's date on January 1st, preferent the end
of the Holy Week in April, making them April
fools. Next up, things overheard in hell. John
Wayne Gacy is in charge of human resources. Two
douchebags and a microphone as entertaining as
a botulism burp. Two douchebags and microphone.
I'm Mark in the Kansas City chapter. And I am
Rob at the beautiful angle arm of Lake of the
Ozarks. All right. Thank you, Rob. Okay. We got
some emails. Hey, guys. I'm convinced that you,
too, could start a network of shows just like
the douchebags. People more than ever need this
type of show with everything going on in the
world today. Jamie in New Hampshire. Let us get
on YouTube first, please. Right? Yes. All the
logistics and starting an internet radio station
or whatever, or a live streaming loop, that would
have to go after. We've got to get on YouTube
first. I mean, and also the monetary aspect of
it. You know, if we could get a little bit of
money coming in, then we could have a little
bit of revenue. Yeah, it could help our equipment
issue. Yes. Yeah, so I'm not opposed to it. It's
just down the road, Jamie, and thank you. That's
a really good question. I want to say thank you,
Jamie, because that tells us we're doing exactly
what we set out to do. Exactly. You don't want
to be like everybody else. And like Jamie said,
I don't know if it's a he or she, Jamie said
that they need people like us. Yeah. And that's
what we want. Thank you. And I do know some people.
That makes me feel good. That makes me feel good.
I know some naturally hilarious people that would
probably do a great show as well. Yeah. And one
of them is Steve, the guy I just spoke about.
You know, we're eating those pigeon burritos
or whatever. He would be a guy I'd love to have
a show. He's a very interesting guy, to say the
least. Oh, dude. Davey. Oh, Davey. Well, Davey,
you got to get him to do it. Love the guy, but
geez. Yeah, he, yeah. You know, you can go down
there and see him all day long. He's happy. He's
chipper, everything. But getting him to do anything,
coming over to your house to visit, I mean, I
barely got him to go see Wasp, you know. I barely
got him to go see the Dead Daisies with Glenn
Hughes, you know. Really? Yeah, in Nashville.
He's just such a homebody. He's always been elusive.
He's always been home -based. Even back when
he was a teenager. He was home -based. Well,
the last time I talked to him about the podcast
is I told him how much I love it and how you
and I just have a blast. And he said, believe
me, Mark, he said, if I got on the podcast, I
would get the thing shut down. And I'm like,
I'm like, I think it's kind of impossible, isn't
it? And then I got to think about it. Maybe not.
Yeah. I think I don't think he meant that in
a good way either. And he wasn't. No, no, no.
He's happy we have a podcast. He doesn't want
to shut down or nothing. I think he's just got
a lot of stuff he'd like to get out. So, anyhow,
if it ever progresses. Yeah, it'd be an open
board. Yeah, and the way he said it tells me
that he was not joking. So, all right. Mark,
I'd love to talk to you one -on -one about current
issues here in the Kansas City area. I think
we would have some good ideas on ways to improve
the community. Randy. Okay, hang on, Randy. I
got a couple things to say here. Okay. I would
love to. I would love to do that. But if we did
something like that, I think you're talking about
a podcast talking, you know, talk one on one.
I think you're talking about a podcast. OK, I
would not want that to be under the two douchebags
and microphone umbrella. I would want to start
another feed, another RSS or whatever it's on
and be a serious podcast like that, you know,
and. And have things, you know, talk about the
community or whatever, you know, whatever you
think is important to help people. I'd love to.
But then again, like the first one to Jamie.
You and I have talked about doing something.
We are seriously thinking about possibly doing
a political show. It would be different than
this one. Kind of like so Burnmark did. Yeah,
and it won't be under the douchebags realm. It
will not. It'll be something completely different.
And I think I'm going to use a stage name. Honestly,
there is. Yeah. Yeah, me too. Because there is
so much going on right now. Yeah. There's a lot
to talk about. And that's mainly with my phone.
That's why I'm having a hard time with my stories.
But I just come with it. You're doing good ones.
So it is so polarized, American politics, that
I would not be comfortable putting my name behind
anything on either side. Yeah. And so it would
be a stage name. And now it's world politics.
It's not this. Yes. But I come up with a stage
name. Tell me if you think it's good or not.
Jim Dandy. That's awesome. That's awesome. That's
the lead singer of Black Oak, Arkansas, dude.
Exactly. Exactly. I know exactly who you're talking
about. All right. Hey, Deucebags. I'm getting
ready to be a featured guest on the Fuckhammer
podcast. Should I give your show a plug? You
got a podcast? Fuckhammer podcast, he said. Gotta
look that up. Mitch on the beautiful crystal
blue waters of the Massey Creek arm of Lake Freeman.
I can't wait to hear the Fuckhammer podcast.
And yeah, have them plug us. I'm sure they're
much bigger than us. I mean, it is Fuckhammer.
I mean, you know, one of the greatest bands ever.
We plugged them. You're talking about them now.
Yeah, yeah. So yeah, Fuckhammer, talk about us.
Which leads us to this next email, Rob. Idiots.
Massey Creek runs just north of Cleveland. Holmes
Road runs over it. The South Grand River is Freeman.
Two highway runs over it. It is just east of
Freeman, and it's signed you know who. No, I
don't know who. Okay, okay, I know South Creek.
Yeah, that's down by my family. Okay. Is that
true? I don't know where Freeman Lake is. It's
south of Freeman, but I was thinking that Massey
Creek went that way. Well, my grandparents' farm
was off D .D. Yeah, I know where that's at. Huh.
Used to call it Double D's. Maybe this guy's
right, Mr. You -Know -Who. You know, I know someone
I can talk to. I'm going to get an affirmative
yes or no. I'm going to get an affirmative yes
or no on that. Okay, You -Know -Who, you might
be right. And if you're right, then we will get
with Mitch and have Miss... So you think this
guy's right? We'll find out. Okay. I was thinking
that, like, the Freeman Lake had a couple of
arms, but I don't know. Okay. All right, cool.
Okay, this next one, I mean, I understand what
he's saying, and I'm going along with it because
we love him. Hey, friends. I am just wanting
to hear your answers. I will try to explain.
I feel your podcast is hilarious without my participation.
Although I do appreciate the involvement you
would like me to have in the show, please let
me enjoy it. I want to hear your answers and
not mine. This is not being hostile or angry.
I just feel you guys need to not talk to me.
Ronnie, I'm sorry. I think you have a typo here.
I just, I really don't feel like talking, I guess
is what he's saying. And I just love the show.
Ronnie and Tulsa, the Tulsa King. Okay, I guess
we won't do right back at you then, right? Okay.
Keep sending the lists in, Ronnie. We love them.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean, you are an entertaining
guy. And that's why we tried to incorporate you
more in the program. That's all. It is because
you come up with great questions and you always
get the zingers. You know, you're kind of like
Mitch. You're like a stapless program. I had
no idea you were uncomfortable doing all the
lists and stuff. So, all right. Good enough.
Can we agree to say, all right, Ronnie, keep
sending in your emails and you don't have to
answer anything. Is that good? Yeah. Okay. Sounds
great. All right. Ronnie, thank you. We will
do that. Rob, can a person put chocolate ice
cream over hot apple pie if you're out of vanilla?
Sweet Pea in Davenport. I think that's Iowa.
Oh, no. Chocolate goes with everything. So you
can put chocolate ice cream on apple pie? Yes.
Sweet Pea, there you go. The ruling is yes. All
right. There you go. I think I agree with it.
And finally, hey there. I'm dropping a comment.
I normally do not email any podcast or show.
And thank you. That is a great, great, great
compliment. Never emails any podcast or show
but us. We feel privileged here. We feel special.
Thank you. Richard is the name. I just would
like to show my support for the new Drink of
the Week segment. Bravo, guys. Richard. Good.
I'm glad you like it. Rob, what was your verdict
on it? Do you like it? Okay. Repeat that. I was
reading something. Okay. I got Matthew Creek
pulled up. No, that's cool. That's cool, Rob.
Okay, basically in a nutshell is Richard wrote,
he never writes shows, he wrote us. And he said
that he really enjoys this show and he is really...
You're privileged. Me too. And he loves the new
segment. He wanted to express how much he likes
it, the Drink of the Week segment. Yes. Yeah.
So, Rob, do you like that, too? Do you think
it's a good segment? Yes. Yeah, I like that.
I like that segment, too. Well, I was kind of
worried about it because it's kind of, you know,
I don't know. You know what? It is a good segment.
All right. All right. And I've got a featured
email, but we're going to do it later because
we're running out of time. And also, I don't
feel like going into it. It's something that's
been going on for a while. So, anyhow. Okay.
Well, I've got to bring this up since we're talking
about Massey Creek. Okay. Massey Creek is in
the Westline area. That's right. That's right.
It is not. Yeah. South Grand Rapids. Yeah. Yeah.
Our emailer was correct. It is not. Part of Freeman
Lake. What was the guy's name? It's a creek.
Hang on. Oh, you know who. We don't know who
it is. Yeah, you know who. Yeah. It was correct.
Thank you. Okay, Mitch. Wait a minute. Wait a
minute. Yeah, it's just a creek. It's not part
of Freeman Lake. It doesn't go into there at
all? Well, you can call it down. All right. Okay.
Well, actually, actually, Massey Creek and East
Creek tie into the South Grand River. Okay. Mitch,
you're right then. At the same time. They wind
into the South Grand. Mitch is correct then,
right? Cleveland Avenue, South Grove Road, 254,
255th. Mm -hmm. Yeah, just, I'd say about 250th,
245th, 250th is where they tie into the South
Grand. Okay. All right, here's what. It's in
the... It's in the area, and Mitch seems to know
that area really well. So I think I'm going to
take Mitch's word if that's Massey Creek Arm,
you know, or maybe that's what they think around
there, or maybe that's what they call it. So
I think we give Mitch the benefit of the doubt.
I didn't even see Greenland Lake on the map.
It's not very big. But then again, think of it
like this, Rob. Maybe he's doing that tongue
-in -cheek and he knows there's not a Massey
Creek arm. Okay, well, let me read you this part.
Okay. Massey Creek is listed in the streams category
of Cass County. It's not even a river. Streams.
Okay. Okay. All right. Okay. Massey Creek Farm
and Timber. You know that? No, I didn't know
that. Yeah. Okay. That's where they get the,
yeah. Timber and all that. Huh. Okay. Okay. All
right. Okay, Rob, I'm with Mitch. What about
you? I'm not giving this to Mitch. Okay. Rocky
Creek is not part of Bremen Lake. Okay. All right.
Okay. All right. Mitch, I want your rebuttal,
obviously. Send in an email. Put down that Fuckhammer
8 -track tape and break us off an email. All
right. We have some business to get to, Rob.
Yes, we do. All right. Do you want to start off
with the top seven per Ronnie and Tulsa, the
Tulsa King, Ass Cheek Bite, Nipple Yank, and
Nut Flick? And go, Rob. Your top seven. This
is top seven each category. Oh, and why? And
why? He wants to know why, too. Did you put that
in there, too? Yeah, I'll make it up as I go.
Okay, good. Yeah, I have my top seven in each
category. Okay, cool. I do, too. Okay. We're
going to start out with the Netflix. Okay. Number
seven, I have John Goodman. I would like to see
his face. He's tall, he's old, he'd look like
a speed bag I could hit quick to get out. Sounds
good. Number six, Sebastian Bach. Okay. I want
him to hit the notes like Lizzie Ailes. He probably
will. Number five, Shaquille O 'Neal. Oh. Okay.
He'd be a good target. I could run underneath
his legs, and with his personality, he'd have
a great crash. He probably would. Oh, you little
trickster. He'd be laughing his ass off. You're
just a real stinker. Number four. Joe Biden.
Oh. All right. With a clothespin on your nose?
I just think it'd be funny as shit. It would
be. He probably wouldn't even notice. Yeah, I
got to stay with it. Number three. Jim Carrey.
Oh, man, I didn't get that one. I love that one.
Yes. He would be great. He would have a great
reaction. I agree. Number two? Sam Kinison. Oh,
oh, oh! Gotta hear it. Gotta hear it. And number
one, I still want to know the truth. Goes to
Caitlyn Jenner. Another great one. Oh, I like
that a lot. Rob, you brought it. Okay, I guess...
Are you going to go to your Netflix or do you
want... Yeah, yeah, let's go back and forth.
Yeah, that'll work best probably. Okay, my Netflix.
Number seven, George W. Bush. Just because it
would be a legend, it would be reported everywhere
that he got flicked in the nuts by some unknown
assailant. That would be great, wouldn't it?
And how would they describe that? Former President
George W. Bush seemed to have been assaulted
by a strange man, and he seemed to have got tapped
in the groin. It was very painful. He was last
seen on the ground screaming, and Secret Service
came by and iced his balls. Is that what they'd
say? You mentioned George Bush. That was my question.
Does he still have Secret Service? You know what?
That's a good way to find out, isn't it? I'm
thinking I read something. They had gotten pulled.
Oh, so his nuts are free game. I don't know.
I don't know. His nuts are free game. Somebody's
got pulled. A couple people's got pulled. Okay.
Yeah. Do what? Oh, yeah. Oh, hell yeah. Number
six, Mickey Rourke. He really needed it for years.
So now he gets it. Dude, he played in a wrestler.
He beat your ass. Yeah. But I'll still be the
guy that flicked Mickey Rourke's nuts. I'll go
down in infamy. You'd be in history. Yes. Number
five. Simon Cowell. I haven't seen him angry
in a while, so I want to see that again. All
right. You little bastard. I don't know, however
English people talk. Number four, Vince Neil
because his fat ass couldn't catch me. Awesome.
Yep. And I think not just a nut flick, but maybe
like a fucking yank, too. What do you think?
Just like a fucking yank. Just for that. Yeah,
yeah, yeah. Yeah, just give it a little yank.
Yeah, yeah, a little pinch. The pinch. There
we go, the pinch. We got nipple yank. It's a
pinch. Number three, Vladimir Putin because he's
a short little pussy ass. Yep. And number two,
Kim Jong -un, for the same reason. He would be
fun. Yeah, that would be fun. Oh, yeah. I mean,
if he couldn't, like, feed me to starving dogs
or something, it'd be fantastic. Or if I could...
He'd just look around like, what, what, what?
And number one, I hope you remember this guy.
He does Ford truck commercials now locally. I
think for Lewisburg Ford or something. Toby Tobin.
Just because he looks like he needs a Netflix.
Oh, Toby. God, I have not heard that name in
years. Yeah, he looks like he needs a Netflix.
Lovingly, playful. That is my seven Netflix.
Yeah, he used to be on the radio, the TV. Yeah,
he used to be on a lot of different avenues like
that, and he has always looked to me like someone
that needed a nut tap. He was, what, a gardener
or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What? Yeah, yeah,
he was like a... Like weather report, yeah. Yep.
Also, I think he did turf. I don't know if it
was arrowhead or royals or both or something
like that. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he was like a turf
guy. All right, Rob, next. Okay, we're going
to move on to the ass cheek bite. Sounds good
to me. Number seven, Elton John. Oh, okay. He's
going blind. He ain't going to see each other.
Number six, I had to bump down the list because
I got to look at it five times. Okay. Okay. I
think that's awesome. All right. Be bony, but
yeah. He's doing the chicken dance. You're right.
Yeah, yeah. And by the way, this is kind of like
my greatest of, because I went through all my
other lists to pick out my favorites. I'd come
up with a couple of new names, but I did recycle
some of them that I did before, yes. Yeah, yeah.
Number four, Rikishi, the WWE wrestler. Oh, okay.
Yeah, I think once he hit that button. That'd
be my best chance. You just get in there and
bite. All right. I like that. Number three. I'm
going with Uncle Cy Robertson from Duck Dynasty.
I would love to see his reaction. I don't know
what that dude would do. I got like ten things.
Jump for one. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. For one, he'd
be like... And he'd be all over the place. Oh,
shit. Yeah, just don't let him go for his shotgun.
That's why I'm moving on number two. Oh, okay.
Ronnie Dangerfield. That would be classic. I
tell you, I tell you, I don't get any respect.
I don't get no respect. I get nut flaked or,
no, no, no, ass cheek bit. I can see that right
now. And my number one goes to Tasmanian Devil.
Can you catch the little bastard? What? Well,
Tasmanian Devil is pretty calm until you get
him wound up, but what we get him wound up. Yeah.
Biting him in the ass would do it. Alright. Sounds
good to me, Rob. I like that list. Alright. Ass
cheek bite for me. Number seven. Gary Busey.
I just want to see his reaction. Oh, it'd be
classic. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Number six. Axl Rose.
Because he's always pissed off and angry. Why
not do it? Make him angry again. Number five,
Al Michaels, just because I love the guy. Number
four, per guy, he's probably on blood thinners.
He's probably on blood thinners and he'll bleed
to death after I fang him. on his ass um number
three morgan freeman just to hear his voice go
what in the yep number two when i have no idea
what she looks like these days but i've i've
thought about it janet jackson just to see what
it really looks like under there still not bad
okay well hey we still have our nipple yet Oh,
another nipple gate. Anyway, go ahead. All right,
number one, Ben Stiller. Just because. Why not?
I'm Ben Stiller. I would have considered him
for a nipple yank. He'd be a great nipple yank,
too. I think it would. I will give you that one.
He's pretty animated. So, yeah, I think so. Yes,
he is. Yeah. All right. We turn it over to Nipple
Yank. Now we go to Nipple Yank. Yep. Number seven,
Alanis Morissette. So she can write a whole album?
I don't know how she's going to take it. wanted
to. Or write an album about you. Hey, that'd
be cool too. Then I'd get royalties. Oh no, Dave
Coulier don't get any royalties, but anyhow.
Yeah, you got a good point. I'm a nobody. Yeah.
Okay, number six. Dr. Phil. I love that. You
did last time too. Yep. Yeah, just watch him
analyze me. I don't know why someone would do
that. And I'm already out of the building. And
number five, I'm going to go with Jakey Lee.
When he's playing guitar or when he's just walking
around? When he's walking around. All right.
I could see him kind of like loving that in a
way. Oh, yeah. That'd be a lot of subject line.
Love it. stick with the man. I gotta try Travis
Chelsea. I bet he has big, meaty nipples. What
do you think? I think he's starting to get back
in shape a little bit, so I might have my work
cut out for me, but I'd still get a shot. Yeah,
you know, I mean, just make sure there's a door
that you can get behind and lock afterwards.
I mean... Yeah, within spitting distance. I mean,
he runs for a living. I don't know. Well, good
luck on that one. Oh, you know what? You're right.
You're right. I like that. Yeah, okay. I think
that's a good one. You're a trooper, Rob. Crybaby
Jeff Gordon. Yeah. Perfect. And, of course, number
one, Elvira. Understandably. Understandably.
All right. I love that list, Rob. My nipple yank.
Number seven, Roger Daltrey. Because he couldn't
see me or hear me. Right. Good point. Good point.
Yeah, and I couldn't see me or hear me. I can't
even do it. Okay. Number six, David Lee Roth.
Just to see how far his nipples will stretch.
You know he's coming by grinders in Kansas City?
Really? Yeah, I saw the ad the other day. But,
man, the tickets are a little pricey, but I don't
know. It'll be the last time you ever get to
see the guy, too. I'm considering it. Anyhow.
He is a tourer. Yeah. I don't know how he got
his voice back, but he did somehow. Yeah. When
he opened up for Kiss, he had to step down because
his voice was so bad. So, I don't know. All right.
Number five, Eminem. So, he has new angry material
to sing about. Awesome. Awesome. I love that.
I don't know. Something like that. Okay. Number
four, Willie Nelson. So, I can just say I did
that to a legend. No, hell no. No, I'd be out
of there. Yeah. Now, he is a redneck. He might
shoot you. That's, yeah. Okay, maybe I'll pay
someone to do it. If they get shot, well, it's
not me, right? That'd be the best bet. All right,
number three, Christopher Walken. That would
be good. It would. I don't know why you would
do that to me. My nipples now hurt. I can't do
them. All right. Number two. Reba McIntyre. Just
to see if her nipples really do feel like leather.
Oh. Oh. Rob, you're going to love my number one.
I love your number two. That was a good one.
Oh, yeah. Reba getting old nipple stretch. Yep.
All right. Number one. Brutus the Barber Beefcake.
Just think about it. Hell yeah. Yeah. Hell yeah.
His nipples used to get hard as hell. Yeah, it
would be fun. I remember seeing him in the ring.
Yep. Yeah, they stuck out there. They'd be an
easy target. Yep. Yeah, that'd be another one.
You do not want to get caught. Yep. That would
be one. If I had a time machine or something,
I'd go back in time in his prime, and I'd have
the time machine right there. That way I could
yank his nipple and then tear. And then I could
watch the old footage of it when I get back to
current time. Yeah. Yeah. You made history. Mm
-hmm. Do it during a WrestleMania match or something.
Nipple yank gate. I swallowed a piece of ice
wrong. Why don't we take our second break while
I try to live through this. Yeah, let's do that.
All right. Be right back. Hey there, fuckstick.
You're just in time for brand new feature news
nobody gives a shit about. Every Model T that
was ever manufactured was in the color black.
Oh, shit. What's that over there? Oh, no. It's
the island of horrible jokes. Did you know? French
fries are not cooked in France. They're cooked
in Greece. double mocha latte remember to not
get your genitals caught in the grinder it really
hurts and who can afford plastic surgery stay
safe everyone next up things overheard in hell
dishwater has the top 10 spots on double top
100 jam x what the hell happened you were the
generation of change for you fuck the man fuck
the system what the hell happened the generation
of angst the generation of non -compliance is
now buying a boat you're really fed up to kill
someone dangled a dollar near you great job xers
everything's ruined Nob Lick is an unincorporated
community in southern St. Francis County, Missouri,
United States. It is located on Missouri Route
DD, just east of U .S. Route 67, approximately
8 miles south of Farmington, Missouri. Nob Lick
has a post office with the zip code 63651, which
has been in operation since 1870. The community
takes its name from nearby Nob Lick Mountain.
In the Ozarks, Nob typically refers to an isolated
summit, and Wick is a natural salt lick or salt
spring. The mountain runs across U .S. 67. Approximately
80 acres of the summit are protected by the Missouri
Department of Conservation. A gravel road leads
to the conservation area, which includes a granite
glade, picnic facilities, and a closed -fire
lookout tower. 147 was the population reported
in 2020. Your mama's so old, she was a waitress
at the last supper. bags and a microphone. I'm
Mark in the Kansas City area. And I am Robert.
Beautiful. I am along the lake of the ocean.
All right. I'm still having problems with that
piece of ice. You want to go in? That is getting
too easy. Do you want to go into our spice war
that someone wrote in about? It was an email
we had on the last podcast, and it was from Bev.
Yep. All she gave was Bev. Yep. No. And it was
a seven -spice battle. Mark came up with seven
spices. I came up with seven spices. We're going
to battle them against each other. And I'm just
going to go down the order that I have them written
down, okay? Yeah, well. First one I'd like to
introduce at 275 pounds from Nashville, Georgia.
Cayenne Pepper. Okay. Well, mine's coming from
the Orient. Okay. Shezwan peppers, ooh. I think
Shezwan's going to win that one, Rob. That shit
is much hotter. Yep. All right, Shezwan it is.
Yeah, that shit about killed me one time. Oh,
that stuff, yeah. It's lethal. Coming in at a
paltry 125 pounds, the all -time ultra -lightweight
champion of the world from Cleveland, Tennessee.
Garlic salt. Tennessee. Cleveland, Tennessee.
Well... Well, table salt. Okay. Garlic salt.
Salt is a part of garlic salt, but then you have
garlic, too, which has a little zing to it, so
I'm going to have to go with garlic salt on this
one. Well, you add salt, you tame down the garlic.
Hmm. Yeah. Okay. Regular salt one. Salt, it becomes
salt. Okay. All right. I forgot to switch around.
You're next. Sorry. That's all right. I'm kind
of liking you taking the lead. Oh, yeah. Go ahead.
Okay. I'm going to jump in with cinnamon. All
right. Well, I'm going to go with sage. I'm going
to go easy on this one. All right. Well, where
is cinnamon from and how much does cinnamon weigh?
I don't know. Okay. We'll say cinnamon is about
$1 .45 from Lake of the Ozarks. Okay. I would
like to introduce 6 '4", 325 pound, nothing but
muscle from Neosho, Missouri. Sage! Okay, okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sage is a pretty mean little
guy here. I'm going to have to go with Sage.
Wow. Cinnamon's got that bone sensation. Yeah,
but so does Sage. Oh, that's true. yeah yeah
sage it's more yeah yeah it's more grab your
screw yeah yep uh okay sage wins um next or no
no it's my turn okay sorry um coming in at 224
in um spandex and a headband doing his world
-famous karate chop in the air. He is from Montreal,
Canada, and his name is Lemon Pepper. Okay, well,
coming in at a measly 135. Mm -hmm. From the
hashtag. Or world. Okay. Cumin. Oh. Cumin is
kind of bland, though, isn't it? Yeah, but the
taste is overpowering. Okay. Lemon pepper tastes
good and is kind of nice. Okay. Well, yeah, yeah.
I don't know. I mean, if you think about it.
Should we consult Topher? I mean, cumin is used
in Mexican food, Indian food. Okay. All right.
Lemon pepper is good on steaks, and I don't know
what else. Okay. All right. Cumin wins. Indian
food is some of the hottest there is. Yeah, it
is. All right. All right. I'm coming in from
good old Dixie. I'm going to go with Carolina
Reaper Chili Powder. Oh. Coming in at 190 pounds,
wearing a loincloth and a face mask. He is originally
from, damn it, I'm trying to think of the name,
Bodark, Missouri. And his name is Paprika. Yeah,
cayenne. Or not cayenne, but Carolina Reaper.
Yeah. I mean, paprika couldn't even get near
Carolina Reaper. It would just melt, so. All
right. All I have left here is coming in at...
Yeah, I got two of them. Oh, you do? What did
I not use here? You used sage, lemon pepper,
paprika, cayenne pepper, and garlic salt. Oh,
okay. You're right. You're right. Okay. Coming
in at 324 pounds, he likes walks on the beach.
He likes surprise presents and pop -up bars.
His name is Black Pepper. Okay. Well, coming
in at 254 pounds for his second round in this
competition, I'm going with Cayenne Pepper. He
was on my list. Okay. No, that's cool. I get
it. I think Cayenne's got to win that one. And
who was he facing? Onion powder. Yeah. Okay.
All right. Coming in at... Wait a minute. Did
I do the last one? I lost track here. Okay. It's
my turn. Okay. Okay, and for our final round.
Okay. I'm bringing in a bad boy from overseas.
Uh -oh. Jamaican jerk. Ooh, nice. Nice, nice,
nice. Coming in at 425 pounds, 6 '7". He likes
to wear muscle shirts, and he likes to wear leather
gloves, so when he chokes you, he won't leave
fingerprints. And his name is Ghost Pepper. Okay,
Samson, don't count. Sorry. That's fine. He's
from Houston, Texas, and he don't take any shit.
His name is Ghost Pepper. Oh. I'm going to have
to go with Ghost. Actually, I think I am going
to have to go with Ghost. Because at one point,
Ghost was the hottest. Until Carolina Reaper
took it over. Yeah, right. All right. You know
what? Ronnie and Tulsa, thank you. That was pretty
cool, wasn't it? That was Bev. Oh, that was Bev.
Sorry. I'm out of it tonight. I'm sorry. Okay.
I think I still have a hangover from the cruise.
I'm not for sure. Sorry about that. Jet lag.
Jet lag. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh. Speaking of jet
lag, you want to hear something here real quick?
And this is the truth, okay? I time traveled
the other night, Rob, on a plane. You know why?
Why? When we left Miami, it was close to 10 at
night. I was looking over the flight time at
500 miles per hour, and that put us in extreme
eastern Tennessee at midnight. Soon after, we
flew into central time, and then right before
we landed at KCI, it turned midnight. Therefore,
we did two different days. We time traveled backwards
to Kansas City. When we celebrated in eastern
Tennessee, we celebrated midnight and the next
day. Then we went back to the day before when
we hit central time. And then we went back to
the current day after midnight when we landed.
So that means we officially time traveled. Yeah.
There you go. Yeah. Yep. I'm proud of myself.
I said one day I wanted to time travel, and I
did. When there's a will, there's a way, Rob.
When there's a will, there's a way. Always. Yes.
All right, Rob, we turn it back to you. Okay,
I've got one of my crazy office stories. Love
them. Okay. The brother of a South Carolina petting
zoo owner was apparently... beaten to death by
a kangaroo after possibly going into the Aussie
animal pen to roughhouse with it, authorities
said. I think he lost. I think he lost. Eric
Schleich's body was discovered inside the facility
just before midnight on Friday night at Five
Star Farm near Loras. about 30 miles north of
Muggle Beach. Flight 52 had a history of stepping
into the kangaroo enclosure and roughhousing
with it, which is what was happening at the time
of his death. It just went south, he said. And
this is the brother speaking. The kangaroo was
still in the enclosure at the family -owned farm
when Slate's body was found. The farm recently
posted a picture of a large red kangaroo named
Mr. Jack, adding he loves neck scratches and
will take treats from your hands. It's not clear
which animal killed Slate, but he was found with
multiple blunt force injuries. Adult male red
-caged roos can weigh nearly 200 pounds and grow
up to 5 foot 11 inches with powerful feet for
kicking. In 2022, an elderly man was killed by
his pet kangaroo in West Australia, but that
was believed to be the first time a roo killed
a person in 90 years in the country. Wow. Okay.
Okay. Anybody who knows anything about kangaroos,
you know they are badasses. Yes. Why would you
fuck with them? Okay, okay, that's what I was
going to ask. It said he was rough -assing with
it. Yeah, yeah, he was rough -housing. Okay,
well then, you know what, I mean... I can't say
that. My ex -mother -in -law had a cat. Uh -huh.
It weighed about 500 pounds. I'd go out to the
farmhouse and wrestle with it. Well, here's...
Goddamn kangaroo, that's something to beat you
to death. Yeah, that was a dumb idea, and it
cost him his life. But here's what I'm saying
is, the animal probably didn't even try to kill
him. They have so much power in their legs and
their fists. You know, if he's over there smacking
it around, and it probably played back, but,
you know, it doesn't know its strength. It's
a kangaroo. Well, what I'm thinking is, it's
leading there was multiple kangaroos in here.
I'm wondering if he was mistakenly thinking he
was with one kangaroo and he was with the other.
Could be. Well, I mean, we're not going to know,
but I mean, I do think, don't you think that
the kangaroos probably did not try to kill him?
It just happened? Yeah, I think he just died
of a heart attack. Okay. All right, cool. Very
cool. Very cool. Do you want to shut this shit
show down or you want to keep going? Okay, cool.
I've got a pretty little article here, Rob. Okay,
this is how to tell if someone's a liar. This
one word will tell you for sure, according to
a trial lawyer. Hearing someone say one word
will help you determine if you can trust what
they're saying or not. Now, this is a trial lawyer,
if I can say that right, lawyer, that he would
know about body language and words and stuff
like that, right? So, on a recent episode of
the podcast Diary of a CEO, which sounds boring
as hell to me, but whatever, Trial lawyer Jefferson
Fisher revealed one -word liars that often use
this word, and he calls it a dead giveaway, and
the tactic to get them confessed. The top debater
shared that when people are trying to hide the
truth, they often rely on absolutes like never
or always. Liars are sneaky, but knowing to listen
for this one word will help you determine if
someone is being truthful or not. To demonstrate
his point, Jefferson walked listeners through
a scenario. When he asked Stephen to pose the
question, were you texting while you were driving
that day? Jefferson responded, no, I never text.
Never text when I drive. Notice I said a big
word. I said never. Never is an extreme. Extremes
are a dead giveaway because they're usually not
telling the truth, Jefferson said. Everybody
texts when they drive at some point in time,
and I agree with that. even in your car, never
and always, it's always or never true. And that
is one of the biggest ones he could say. He also
said that liars often respond to questions really
quickly, which shows that they didn't actually
contemplate the question that they were asked
to and to remember something. To catch a liar,
Jefferson advises people to slowly repeat the
question they're asking, because most likely
the person will retract their original statement.
And I've done that before, and I think you probably
have too, right? Yeah. Okay. They'll say, well,
I mean sometimes I do, or because now they hinge
on that word never, Jefferson said, which is
an absolute. And it turns out that lying could
affect your mental health. A study online was
conducted by researchers at the University of
the Netherlands. The team asked participants
to keep track of their lie -in for a day. The
findings revealed that 22 % of people told a
self -centered lie, 8 % told a lie to protect
another person, and 69 % reported not lying that
day. The researchers discovered that the lying
participants had lower self -esteem compared
to those who told the truth. Participants who
were asked to recall a situation in which they
lied reported to have experienced lower self
-esteem after the situation compared with participants
who asked to recall a situation in which they
did not lie that the team reported. Yeah, of
course. I think lying and low self -esteem and
all of that go together. Because I think that
a lot of times people lie. I think this guy's
dead on. A lot of times people lie is to make
themselves look better, right? I will agree with
you on that. I will. And why would you want to
make yourself look better? Because you don't
feel adequate. So I think that that guy is extremely
right. So, Rob, we turn to you. A Cybertruck
owner says that the 10 -year -old kid at his
son's baseball practice initially thought his
Cybertruck was the coolest vehicle. However,
their excitement faded and they started to point
and laugh after the Cybertruck had to be towed
on a flatbed. Ernest was in a calling. A Cybertruck
owner from Ohio. States that 28 children laughed
at a Cybertruck after a minor problem resulted
in it being towed on a flatbed. The owner says
the children were initially cheering the Cybertruck,
but their enthusiasm turned to skepticism when
the truck experienced an issue that rendered
it undriveable. Yeah, you got to hear what happened.
Okay. The issue began when Ernest drove his 10
-year -old son to a baseball match in a Cybertruck.
Ernie placed his son's baseball gear in the front
trunk, which they call the frunk. However, they
arrived at the field and the frunk wouldn't open.
This is quite frustrating. However, the Cybertruck
owner and father stated he was prepared to drive
40 minutes back home to fetch a replacement glove
for his son. Regrettably, despite his willingness
to make the sacrifice to support his child, Ernest
states that the Cybertruck detected an issue
with the front and went into limp mode. Oh boy.
This is where the truck limits the top speed
at 15 miles an hour. And besides repositioning
the vehicle to be towed, there is nothing the
owner can really do. Yeah. At this point, Ernest
says he was so frustrated that he briefly considered
tying a rope around the trunk to make it into
a tree and yanking the trunk open. Wow. Yeah,
that's all it took. You cannot get the Trump
door open. So it pretty much shuts it down. Wow.
I've heard of other stories. I've heard other
stories like that too, Rob. I mean... And whenever
it deems itself no longer relevant, I guess,
or outdated, it drives itself to a junkyard?
I'm not kidding. Yeah. I wouldn't own one. Would
you? Yeah. Yep. Besides, I don't like the Cybertrucks
anyhow. I think they're ugly as sin on a Sunday.
So. Yeah, I mean, come on. The only color they
come stainless. Yeah, yep. I have never seen
a color on one. I don't think they do colors
on them. I think that's why they're all that
ugly gray stainless kind of look. Yeah, they're
stainless. Yeah, wow. We have one here in town.
You know what? I mean, not my flavor, but a lot
of people like them. So, okay, whatever. I know.
I mean, to me, if you have a Cybertruck, I think
it is something that you want to show off and
not necessarily a practical vehicle. You're not
looking at it like, hey, I can save gas money
because I own this. You have it just so you can
go around and go, hey, look at my Cybertruck.
Isn't that cool? Wow. Yeah. I mean, I don't think
they're doing it to help the environment. So
anyone that owns it, I mean, maybe there are
some people, but I would say generally it's for
bragging rights. All right. Rob, it is 948. And
I'm still on overtime, so I'm going to be getting
up early. All righty. Rob, thank you for joining
us once again. Thank you, assholes, for listening.
We really appreciate it. You guys have been tuning
in pretty damn good and pretty solid. We have
a really good bass that always tunes in, and
then we have people that check in. But our bass
is growing, and that's what we want to do. You
want your bass listeners to keep listening. Every
time you put one out like they do, they download
it, they have it sent to their inbox or whatever.
We have a pretty good number of people that are
our base listeners. And we're all the time reaching
out in extreme areas and getting other people.
So if a couple of them stick, our base just keeps
growing. And we appreciate you guys and thank
you for listening. And good night, assholes.
Oh, no. Looks like the show's over, kids. Mark
has explosive diarrhea and can't afford a wireless
mic. Fear not, assholes. They'll be back invading
your ear holes soon.