Hey, you fucking derelicts. It's time for the
Daily Douchebag Pledge. I, Joe or Jane Listener,
hereby promise to download the show. I, Joe or
Jane Listener. Hereby promise to grab other people's
phones, unattended computers, public computers,
and all of my work computers as well, and download
the show from there. I, Joe or Jane Listener,
hereby promise to make other people listen. I,
Joe or Jane Listener. will hereby lie to everyone
about how quality the show is. I, Joe or Jane
Listener, promise to make all my family members
listen and recite the daily douchebag pledge.
And finally, I, Joe or Jane Listener, hereby
promise to make the trek to Knobloch, Missouri,
just to have a selfie with the Knobloch sign.
Here at Two Douchebags and a Microphone, we don't
stand behind our journalistic integrity. Go ahead
and assume we got the story wrong. At least we
admit it. Not like all those other guys. We can
and will lie if it makes the story better. Two
douchebags and a microphone. So you want proof
that we love you here at Q Douchebags and Microphone
Central? Here's a proof right here about the
drink of the week. Hey, Sporty Pants. This is
definitely a summer drink. This is a blue Hawaiian
tiki cocktail shaker. Have one half of a cup
of ice. Had two ounces of light one. Three quarter
ounces of blue curacao. Two ounces of pineapple
juice. Shake over 30 seconds until shaker is
very cold. Straight into a hurricane glass. Filled
with crushed ice. Garnished with a plain apple
wedge. And while you're there, why not milk with
a blue Hawaiian shark again? All you have to
do is grab the maraschino cherry on the top and
splack. Looks like a wet mess on top. Therefore,
the shark to get. As much fun as an electric
can opener to the scrotum, two douchebags and
a microphone. Hey there, fuckstick. You're just
in time for brand new feature news nobody gives
a shit about. In a remote area in France, an
armadillo was found alive and no one knows how
it got there. Two douchebags and microphone in
an effort to keep everything fresh. We offer
you first world problems. Damn it. I can't decide
between nachos, chili, or wings for the game
tonight. This is bullshit. I should not have
to make decisions like this. Now, from his underground
bunker in Camden, Missouri. A stock full of dried
goods, canned food, and a couple of vibrating
toys. It's Ramblings of a Madman, featuring Rob
Radd. Drinking coffee while taking a dump is
like using stoner bullets on a running motor.
Two douchebags and microphone. My name is Mark,
and I'm here. in the Kansas City vicinity. And
I am Rob at the beautiful Niangua Arm of Lake
of the Ozarks. You are getting so good at that,
Rob. So good. Yeah, I mean, it's not just, you
know, you're saying everything, but it's how
you say it now, too. At the beautiful Niangua
Arm of Lake of the Ozarks. That's cool. Anyhow,
making all these arrangements. I don't want to
say it's a pain in the ass because it's for vacation.
It's for a fun time, okay? And it's the cruise
coming up here. Not this week, but the following.
Not this Friday. The following Friday we're Miami
bound. And then the cruise is Saturday. But I've
been trying to get these daytime resort passes.
Because we try to only do non -stops. both detest
layovers anymore if there's any way around it
we do it so the only way around a uh a non -layover
you know a direct flight the only way we could
get a direct flight with no layovers was the
8 41 in the evening so we have all day in miami
after they kick out the boat by about 10 usually
about nine o 'clock everybody's out of the boat
pretty much um so the day that we're leaving
we have from basically nine o 'clock well when
we walk off the ship let's say we get to miami
you know off of the port at 10 o 'clock we have
from 10 o 'clock till probably about seven that
night with nothing to do so or let's say 6 30
because it may be busy who knows so all right
so we got that whole time with nothing to do
so we're trying to get these daytime resort passes
And no hotel answers her phone anymore. I dare
anyone to call a high -volume place, not one
like out in, I don't know, let me think, like
Kansas somewhere. Like maybe Garden City, Kansas
or something like that. Or, you know, or Eureka
Springs. Everyone usually answers there, if you
call them. But whenever you go to these high
volume places like Miami, these resort areas,
nobody answers their phone because they're so
busy. So I'm trying to call and secure a day
pass somewhere in Miami before, you know, we
have to get on our flight that night. And I called
probably 20 hotels. Val's probably called 20
more. Okay. And all of them hang up on you. They'll
put you on hold for about three minutes. And
then it'll start ringing again. And this happened
with every hotel we called. Start ringing again.
And then they click. You'd hear them not answer.
They would like just put the phone back on hold.
And nobody ever answers a damn phone anymore
at any hotel. So you can't go direct with them.
But I talked to Wendy. Wendy Whitbeck of Travel
Masters, which I highly advise them. They are
fantastic travel agents. And they don't get a
dime from you. They get all their stuff from
the places that they book. So it costs you nothing
more. And she told me a website to go to, so
now I'm just going to go to that and have it
done. But I could not believe that no hotel answers
the phone anymore. Don't you find that odd, Rob?
Yeah. Yeah, I do. I think it's a combination
of being real busy and a combination of people
that don't give a shit. Yeah. Yeah, that's probably
it. But, anyhow, enough of that. Rob, we have
a new email. Oh, cool. Yeah, it is 2douchebags
at mail .com. It's just 2douchebags at mail .com.
So, not in a microphone, just 2douchebags. And
it's mail .com. So, send us your emails. This
one seems to be working. I had some people send
me some test emails. Is that spelled out or the
number two? No, no, no. It's spelled. Thank you,
Rob. That's a great point. T -W -O -D -O -U -C
-H -E -B -A -G -S. Two douchebags at mail .com.
And it's not Hotmail. It's just mail. Take off
the hot. So mail .com seems to be a pretty reliable
service from what I could check. I wanted to
do the email right this time. That Yahoo account
just kept screwing around and not getting half
of them. And so that one isn't closed down yet
because I got to get the remainder emails off
of there. But then after that, I'm shutting that
down. I'm not messing with it. So it's going
to be 2douchebagsatmail .com. That's our new
email address. And it seems to be working pretty
good. So type away. Give us those negative comments,
and like always, hate mail gets expedited. Right,
Clint? So, Rob, I'm trying to link the email
address to our Facebook page. Could you try and
do that to douchebags at mail .com? I was trying
to, but it kept telling me I needed a password.
I tried, but it's already linked to mine. Okay.
Well, it wouldn't let me. Okay. Yeah. Okay. All
right. Well, that's cool. We'll figure something
out. That might be why, because it is my first
one. Well, people hear this. You know what it
is, so just send it in there. So, anyhow. Hang
on. Okay. Sorry about that. A little thirsty.
I had to do a little lawnmower work, and I don't
know. It might be toast. We'll see. You know,
everyone knows I'm a real sugar snob by now,
right? You know this, right, Rob? Am I a real
sugar snob? Yes. Okay. My real sugar drink of
choice is Mexican Coke. It comes in a bottle.
And it's imported from Mexico, but it has real
cane sugar. And it's an original Coke bottle
that kind of looks like a woman's figure. And
to me, it's the best drink around. I have some
friends that give me shit about spending all
that extra money on what they consider is not
enough of a difference in the product, which
I consider is a lot of difference in the product.
So I started paying attention to their habits.
One habit that all the people that was giving
me shit about it is they buy the 20 -ounce plastic
Coke from a convenience store. You know, those
bottles that are in there and you walk in and
there's like all these coolers staring at you.
Okay, so I figured out the average price of that
is around $2 .10. Most of the times it's $2 .60.
People don't realize this because they don't
take time to look at it when they buy it. $2
.60 in most places, whether it be Quick Trip
or Rally or Fast Stop or anything, it's usually
about $2 .60. There's a couple places that are
a little bit lower than that. They'll sell them
like $1 .60. So the average is about $2 .10.
So I get a 16 -ounce bottle of Mexican Coke from
the store up the road for $35 for 24 of them.
So you take 35 and divide it by 24. It's roughly
$1 .26 a bottle for buying in bulk. So let's
take that extra 4 ounces because these are 16
-ounce bottles. Okay, and they're buying 20 ounce
bottles. So let's take that extra four ounces
and get the cost of 24 bottles at $2 .20 a pop.
$55 is what that runs you. So let's take 55 minus
35 that I paid for my Mexican Coke, 16 ounce
bottles, and that would prove that they spend
15 more dollars on 24 bottles. The four more
ounces would take away about $7, which would
make my Mexican Coke a much better deal by $8.
And also, I consume how much I drink as well
because I don't like corn syrup, and I don't
buy soda from every gas station like they do.
So, anyhow, I broke that down to them earlier
today, and guess what? I won. They had no comeback.
They're giving me shit. Oh, the Coke's not. No,
no, no. You're spending so much money on that.
And I was like, you know, I went to this convenience
store the other day and I saw a yellow tab Coke.
Do you know what that means, Rob? No, I don't.
A yellow tab Coke is designed for Jewish people
for Passover. Corn syrup is not kosher. Pure
cane sugar is kosher. So these are for Jewish
people. I look at it, I go, huh. And I get ready
to grab it, and I'm like, $2 .60? I make a far
better deal buying those Cokes from Mexico. And
that's how I started unraveling it and figuring
it out. And I started noticing, you know, they
come into work, and they would have that 20 -ounce
bottle. I go, hey, where do you get that at?
I got a quick trip. Well, that's about $2 .60.
All right. Uh, hey, where'd you get that at?
Oh, I got it down, you know, I don't know, uh,
FINA or what, I don't know, whatever the hell.
Um, Cenex, I think. Well, that's about $2 .60
there, too. So, um, anyhow, that's how I unraveled
it. So, and, uh, you know there's a golfer that
likes to scream obscenities, right, while he's
golfing? You know what his answer was, Rob, to
stop that? He tapes his mouth shut. Okay. Ryan
McCormick, pro PGA golfer. I give him credit.
This is actually genius. In an effort to control
his outbursts, tapes his mouth shut every time
he plays. You know, I love this idea so much,
Rob. I wish TikTok would pick up on this trend.
Then all the followers can stay quiet from, you
know, maybe we wouldn't be attacked by verbal
garbage every moment of the day. But that'd be
great if someone came out on TikTok and said,
hey. hey guys check this out here's a good way
to shut up put tape over their mouth it'd be
awesome it'll never happen but it'd be awesome
um so anyhow their utility workers uh were out
in my yard all winter pretty much in our front
yard and we live on a corner so they're working
on both sides okay and uh they finished up the
work in december and they filled in the holes
and they planted grass seed okay Well, the problem
is now the grass seed that they planted looks
so much better than the rest of the front of
the lawn. I'm going to have to seed the rest
of the lawn now. I was like, I come out there
and I go, shit, they did too good a job seeding
it. Now the rest of the lawn looks horrible and
the part that they dug into is putting in new
gas lines. And I thank God we didn't blow up
like Lexington. Oh, my God. A little girl was
killed in Lexington a few days ago. And I guess
her dad and brother are, like, in the hospital
in bad shape but will probably live because they
hit a gas line and it blew their house up. So
I thank God that didn't happen. But, I mean,
you know, they did such a good job. Now I'm going
to have to figure out something to do with the
rest of the lawn. Anyhow. But dad insult to injury
there. All my neighbors mowed. And then that
gets me to where I'm out there working on the
mower. Because I'm pretty sure a stick fucking
flew up and got lodged in the belting. Because
it started screeching. I smelled smoke. So I
shut it down. So I got to get out there. maybe
Tuesday when I have the day off and start looking
around in there. Hopefully it's just a stick
that I can pull out and get that mower to going
again. So anyhow, for all the people that mowed
their lawn, I'm going to get my revenge 6 a .m.
Wednesday morning. Yeah. So anyhow, and also
another way I'm going to get my revenge is this
right here. I'm going to go out there on trash
day. Okay. I'm going to put both of my bends.
They have these bends that they pick up with
a truck, right? They have a truck and it's got
this little arm that swings out and picks up
these big plastic bends that are on tires. And
it brings them up. So if you don't have them
in a perfect line, the truck has a hard time
picking them up. So I go out there and I put
my bends in a perfect line. And then the other
people... they get their bins tossed because
the people are mad at them. So I come out there
a few hours later, and the bins are in perfect
shape right there for me to take back. I was
like, ha -ha, fuckers. So anyhow, it doesn't
sound like much, but it sure made me feel good,
Rob. And that's all that counts, right? That's
all I can say. All right, yep. So, okay, and
Rob, remember... We were talking about the Devil
Worshiping House last podcast, right? Yeah. Yeah.
Okay. Well, a friend of mine, do you remember
the guy that used to call Poppy? He was kind
of a shorter guy. All right, I'll change it.
Okay. All right, I'll change it. He used to wear
a lot of white shirts that were unbuttoned. He
was a shorter guy. And his name was like Jerry
or Gerald or something. But everybody called
him Poppy. I don't know why they called him Poppy,
but they called him Poppy. And anyhow, he sent
me a mail, and he said, that house, and I remember
this at the time, it was an old Chrysler symbol
and not a pentagram at the very top of the house.
And I remember that. The guy who had it built
was huge in the Chrysler Corporation, and he
wanted that star emblem that they used to have
at the very top of his house in the steeple.
And we all thought it was a pentagram. but it
wasn't it was actually that chrysler star do
you remember that at all now yeah yeah yeah yeah
i i think i was the one that was saying we thought
as a pentagram but i've forgotten everybody did
yeah everybody did i'd forgotten all about that
but the guy that had that house built he had
to move to detroit um because what he was doing
here around here Probably. They kept it up there.
They didn't change it because it probably cost
a lot of money to change out that stained glass
like that. But that was actually a Chrysler star.
And, Poppy, thank you. And that's another one.
Thank you, Poppy. Another person that we used
to know that listens. I find that fascinating.
Number one, that they found us. Number two, they
remember who we are. Number three, they send
us mail. Yeah. I mean, I'm pretty proud of that.
So, I think that's pretty cool. Yeah, well, I
think I'm going to go on the rest of my life
thinking it was a devil -worshipping house. You
know what? That makes for such a better story,
doesn't it? You know what? Poppy was wrong. It
was a devil -worshipping house, definitely. And
they're trying to shoot us and make us worship
the Dark Lord in their dungeon. Right? Yep. Yes,
that's what it was. No, they were trying to get
us off of that property. You know, they got tired
of kids fucking around because they thought it
was a devil -worshipping house, and all those
stupid kids would, like, go down there and go,
hey, let's go up there, let's go drive in their
driveway and take a look at them. They got tired
of that shit. And they had those lights that
were so bright, and all you could see was, like,
lights and guns. Oh, my God, that was scary as
hell. So, yeah, I remember that. Anyhow, I have
blurry vision and sometimes double vision because
of different prescriptions in each eye. And dry
eye syndrome doesn't help either, okay? I had
all this diagnosed. I can't remember whether
I talked about it or not. Did I talk about that
last time at all? I don't think so. Okay. Well,
anyhow, I had to go get another, you know, eye
exam and all that. And I bought a new pair of
glasses with anti -glare. It seems to be doing
pretty good so far. I still think I have probably
some eye damage from many years of welding, I
will guess. Probably. Might be a little bit of
it. The glasses I ordered from Perry Ellis, which
is really good. I love these things. They look
so good. And they're so comfortable. I don't
mind wearing glasses. And it's really hard for
me. to wear glasses. I just, I don't know. Maybe
my ears are too close or far. I don't know what
the difference is, but, or maybe everybody's
like this. I don't know, but I could not stand
wearing glasses, but this, uh, these Perry Ellis
ones, actually, it doesn't even feel like I'm
wearing glasses. I'll walk around and I, and
I'm like, I'll go, man, I forgot my, oh no, they're
still on there. I think I'd forgotten them. That's
how comfortable they are, you know? And these
also don't make you look like a nerd. So they
checked all the boxes. Okay. So the problem I
have with them is, is I bought a pair that is
auto dark for, um, um, especially for the trip
coming up. Okay. This is prescription sunglasses
that go auto dark when you get actually get outside.
So these, um, these are light. So I take them
into work and I have a pretty lengthy little
walk from where I park into work. Okay. So I
get in there and the next thing I know, I brought
the wrong glasses in. Said to go out. I did this
three times out of seven days so far, Rob. I
brought the wrong pair in. And I had to go back
out all the way out to the car and get the other
ones. And I'm like, I'm just going to like, maybe,
I don't know, put a little thing of tape on there,
like number one, every night when I get home,
number one's the ones I bring inside, number
two is the other one. Because both the boxes
from Perry Ellis, the ones that they give you,
look identical. It doesn't say sunglasses. It
doesn't say inside shade, nothing. It just looks
identical. So you have nothing to, um, nothing
to judge it by. Right. So anyhow, me, you know,
I'm in the car and I'm like moving shit around
and stuff. I suddenly forget which glasses are
which. And I think I know. And I pick them up
like, oh, these, these gotta be it. Then I get
in there and I'm like, I put them on. I'm like,
oh shit, the wrong ones. Anyhow, I saw where
Patrick Mahomes cut his mohawk, and he's running
with a much shorter, more serious haircut nowadays.
And he also seems to be working out. He looks
pretty cut these days. I'm kind of wondering
if he has a chip on his shoulder from all the
talking fools in certain media outlets, like
little skip -tard ballists and all those types.
This season could be pretty interesting, Rob.
He really looks intense. I think that he's heard.
All these people saying he's a fraud, he's overrated
and all this stuff. And I think that they don't
understand that all they're doing is they're
feeding the animal. And I think it's great because
I think that he hears everything that they say.
And I think he's answering. I mean, if you get
a chance, just type in Google it, Patrick Mahomes
recent haircut or something. He looks a lot different.
He looks more serious. He looks more tough. He
looks more eager. I mean, he never had a problem.
He's always been, you know, very spirited and
has a personality. And he's an easy guy to like.
Well, now he looks like that easy guy to like
who's very serious about kicking someone's ass.
So, I think this season's going to be pretty
interesting. Well, he's getting older, too. Yeah,
you know, that... You know what, that's a great
point. Yeah, you know what, that's a great point.
You know, he might have looked in the mirror
and said, you know what, the Mohawk was great,
but it's done. Yeah, he's got a family now. Yeah,
you know, he has three children, and he's also
a leader. So, you know, he probably did. It probably
has nothing to do with it, and this is just the
way I read it, but I kind of thought... Well,
no, at the same time, they've heard... That could
be part of it, too, you know? I think so, but
you know what? Time will tell. Because I'll tell
you what, if he's a man possessed and he's already
the best, watch out. Because I think he's going
to light shit on fire this year. And he'll answer
back with a record -breaking season, I'm predicting.
And if you get a chance, just look at his workouts
lately. He looks like a man possessed. So I think
it's going to be really interesting. Bad news
for people who don't like it. She's great news
for us. So, Rob, I turn it over to you. Once
upon a time, around 1750 BCE, a copper transaction
went so poorly that it ignited what is now known
as the oldest recorded customer complaint in
history. Okay. a dissatisfied buyer named Manny.
His complaint was directed at a copper merchant
named E. Nassar, and instead of simply evicting
the friends or journaling his woe, Manny decided
to immortalize his theory and uniform script
on a clay tablet, which were not good before
my messenger, and said, if you want to take them,
take them. If you do not want to take them, go
away. What irked him the most was not the shoddy
copper, but the sheer audacity of the munchers
who crushed Manning's concerns as were the archaeologists.
KNews .com noted that this wasn't the only one
-off misunderstanding either. Annie had sent
messengers to collect either his money or proper
goods, only to be rebuffed every time. Annie
further wrote, I have sent messengers, gentlemen
like ourselves, to collect the bag with my money.
But you have treated me with contempt by sending
them back to me empty -handed several times.
I see where you're going. You alone treat my
messenger with contempt. A tablet measuring just
11 .6 by 5 centimeters, or about 4 .6 by 2 inches,
is now a marvelous artifact found during 26th
century excavation in the ancient city of Ur,
modern -day Iraq. It was translated from Akkadian.
And it was not the only one. Archaeologists revealed
several such tablets in what appeared to be Venus
Sears residence. It seems he has disappointed
many clients. Back then, copper was an essential
commodity used to create bronze, an OG material
that gave the Bronze Age its name. By the time
Nanny fired off his complaint, Tillman Copper
had, begun to decline in both quality and availability.
Okay, that's a little bit different where I thought
you were going, but that's where it all started,
huh? That was the first customer complaint that
they have found recorded. And it's only gotten
worse from there. Like 4 ,000 years ago, you
know. That's crazy. It is. It is. That's awesome.
That's a great story, Rob. We got some emails.
Should we take our first break and come back
into them? Sounds good. Hey, everybody, this
is Uncle Rob. I'm going to give you some tips
for life. This is Uncle Rob's rules to dick pics.
Rule number one, title a pic in someone else's
name. So if you get busted, it's not yours. Rule
number two, shoot angles complementary to your
length and girth. Rule number four, no propping
of the leg. Absolutely no undercarriage. Very
important. used to listen to our original show,
Two Dipshits and a Cheap Radio Shack Realistic
Tape Recorder. Harambe does not listen to our
original show, Two Dipshits and a Cheap Radio
Shack Realistic Tape Recorder anymore. You might
ask why Harambe never listens to our original
show, Two Dipshits and a Cheap Radio Shack Realistic
Tape Recorder. Well, it's because Harambe is
dead. Senselessly murdered because some idiot
did not watch her child properly while looking
on her phone. Sadly, Arambe does not listen to
our original show, Two Gibshits and the Cheap
Radio Shack Realistic Dig Recorder, or any other
show. Anymore. Sorry, Arambe. And now, Deep Thoughts
with Mark. If I were floating in outer space,
if I was to paddle my arms and legs, would I
float faster? Hmm. I may never know. Our constant
pursuit for a real knee slapper. It's strange
insults from an alien. Real hilarity. If you
were a spice, you would be flour. Hey look, I
think we found land. Oh my god, I think we're
safe. Oh no, it's the island of horrible jokes.
Why do golfers take an extra pair of socks with
them when they golf? In case they get a hole
in one. The apocalypse just happened. You don't
know what to do. You don't know where to go.
But we can tell you what you can eat. During
an apocalypse, you will probably need a good
insecticide. Soybean, corn, and peppermint oil
are some plant extracts that create powerful
natural insecticides. They are some of nature's
best organic and natural pesticides that when
combined can make a far more superior weapon
that growers can effectively use to improve their
integrated pest management on their crops or
on their person. Strange, but true. In 1962,
President John F. Kennedy ordered 1 ,200 Cuban
cigars right before he made them illegal. Have
you ever wondered what something is or not? Have
you ever looked at something and said, hmm, I
wonder what the origin of that is? Well, so have
we. That's why we give you The Origin of. The
Origin of the Nose Ring. The Middle East is the
birthplace of the nostril ring piercing, tracking
back 4 ,000 years. Nostrils were held as a status
of upper class if they were pierced with a ring.
You watch the news. It looks grim. Is an apocalypse
inevitable? We suggest you download all our podcasts
beforehand and have multiple mobile chargers.
We have the post -apocalypse. Very important
for survival is to know the predators in your
area. Study up on them and grab a few wildlife
books to keep in your shelter. Find information
for ways to kill the animal if edible and not
damage the meat. A crossbow is usually most effective.
Tools such as a duck call or a moose call could
help one seek out possible food to kill. Search
all uses for an animal after it is killed such
as the pelt, the hooves or antlers can make a
handy weapon if needed. The Kansas City Metroplex.
All right. Got some emails. Okay. Oh, and we
have a Jeffy X list later if we get to it, okay?
All right, cool. He's back. Hello, my friends.
Oh, I'm sorry. What did you say? I just said
good. Oh, okay. Hello, my friend. Oh, Jeffy's
back. Yeah, Jeffy's the best. He's on a roll
on this one, too. Hello, my friends. This is
Jeremy. I live in Brussels. I do like the podcast.
I find your humor quite entertaining. I know
three of us listen to it when we have Apple Podcasts
going. I believe you wanted us to ride in from
Belgium. If you pardon me, I'm going to the Schilling
now to get a bite. Schilling? Is Schilling like
a restaurant or something or a cafe? I don't
know. You know what, I'll look it up later. Thank
you, Jeremy. That's what we wanted, remember?
We had the one guy ride in from Brussels. Now
we have Jeremy from Brussels. Thank you, guys.
It's cool. Thank you. Listen, we get quite a
few hits. All of you are welcome to write in.
Okay, now the new email is going to be 2douchebags
at mail .com. Not live, geez. Mail .com. So it's
2douchebags at mail .com. So you're from Brussels
or anybody. Send them in. Hey, douchebags. I
have a beta tape of the hillbillies jumping off
the cliff in Lampy. I might have pawned it, though.
I need to whip it money. Whip it money. Remember
those? Yeah. Yeah. I need to whip it money. Mitch
in South Central Freeman District, number four
of Cass County Territory. I also am part of the
Wreck the Fireplace Committee. We meet at my
lake house on the shores of the beautiful crystal
blue waters of Freeman Lake, Massey Creek Arms,
second Thursday of every month. Mitch, you're
fucking awesome. Thank you. Yeah, you are. Never
a dull moment with Mitch. No. I needed Whip It
money. He's reaching way back there for Whippet
money. If you don't know what Whippet is, just
look it up. And it's spelled just like it sounds.
Whippet. It's all one word. Wasn't it where you
bought cans of whipping cream? Whipped cream?
Yeah. Yeah, and you would like... Yeah, and you
release the gas into your mouth, I think. And
you get like a head rush or something. Yeah.
Lightheaded or something. A few years ago, I
worked at a thing called Dam Jam. It was down
at Bagnell Dam at the campground. And what it
was, it was like a swag fest. Uh -huh. And my
job was to take care of trash, help people, whatever,
you know. Uh -huh. And they, them little containers
were all over that campground. And all over.
They were all doing whippets? Oh, yeah, yeah.
There was tons of them. That's awesome. They
sold them there. Oh, wow. Okay, and this is at
like the Ozarks? Yeah. Okay, they can get away
with it. Swag fest. Swag fest. I think I've heard
of that. Yeah. Now they have it over at the Regalia
and they named it something else. Dan, there's
also one down in West Plains, Missouri. You remember
that one? I've never been to it, but I know people
that have. Yeah, it's like Hemp Fest or something
like that. Something like that, yeah. A friend
of mine in Val's, she actually went there one
time with her ex -husband. And she said that
there's this lady walking around throwing...
Liquid at you and it's some sort of an acid when
it hits you you'd start seeing colors and stuff
And that's something yeah, I have no idea exactly
what it was, but she swore by she said oh my
god She said I didn't hardly know where I was
at after she threw that stuff in her face So
it was like some sort of a drug and some ladies
walk around just like flipping it at people in
their face That interesting I mean, I don't know
if I'd like that you know If I want to get high,
I want to do it on my own accord, not someone
else's, you know. Right. Yeah, and then, weren't
there some trouble back there a couple years
ago? I was thinking, you know what, I'll have
to look it up. I'm pretty sure it was like Hemp
Fest or something. I can't think. It wasn't Hemp
Fest. It was a more clever name, like 420 Fest
or something. and it was in West Plains, Missouri,
and it was every year, and I'm not sure if it
even goes on anymore, but they had some sort
of a bus there or something. Does that sound
familiar? Yeah, yeah, I think so. Yeah, I'll
have to look it up. I'll get back to everyone.
Yeah. Yeah. But anyhow, when our friend told
us that about the lady throwing acid or whatever
it was in your face, I'm like, that's intense.
So, all right. Hey, guys, I think I owe you a
list of favorite sauces. You know who it is,
right? All right. Number seven, Heinz 57 sauce.
And we both overlooked that, but that is a good
sauce. Yeah. Number six is Duke Mayo with sriracha
sauce. I know of Duke Mayo. We don't have it
around here very much. I think that's a South
thing. but I didn't even know they made it with
sriracha, so I guess they do. Number five is
A1 Sauce. Number four, Pistol Pete's Red Hot
Marinara Sauce. That sounds interesting, doesn't
it? Marinara sauce, red hot. I love the name
Pistol Pete, too, so it's got to be good, right?
Number three, Crystal Hot Sauce. Yeah, Crystal's
good. Have you had Crystal hot sauce? Yes. It's
good. Number two, Tohula Girl green chili sauce.
Oh, yes. Yes. Oh, that stuff is delicious. Little
spicy, but delicious. It'll clear your sinuses
pretty quick. And then finally, number one, Famous
Dave's devil spit sauce. Yes. Have you had that,
Rob? No, I have not. My older age. Me and spicy
stuff don't get along. No, me neither, but I
had to try it, and it's great sauce. It's got
a really good flavor, but man, it will burn your
tongue off. Good stuff. Okay, this next one,
I'm just reading it. This is not what I think,
Rob. This is what someone's asking. Okay, I don't
feel this at all, but Rob, you seem preoccupied
lately. Everything okay? I'm just checking in
with you. Mark, I know you're okay, you cruise
asshole. Benny in H -ville. Rob, you got... I'm
fine. I'm fine. I've just been real busy lately.
A little distracted, but I'm fine. Have I missed
that? Well, I have been busy lately, you know.
Okay. Benny didn't say anything bad. I mean,
he sounds concerned. No, no. And I also have
a girlfriend now, so there's another distraction.
You know what, Benny? There you go. Life. We'll
just say life is going on with Rob, so there
you go. Benny, thank you. I'm fine. Thanks for
your concern. Thank you for your concern. Yes,
I am a cruise asshole, so okay. I don't know
what else to say. Thank you, Benny. No, it's
Benny. I thought it was Bernie for a second.
It's Benny in Hville, and he spelled it H -V
-I -L -L -E. Way to shoot. Yep, yep, it's that
or Hooterville, one or the other. That's how
you can tell they're from Harrisonville. They're
either called Hooterville or H -Town or Hville.
All right. Hey, I've noticed the transcripts
are horrendous. I think you might know, but just
in case, I'm letting you know. I love the podcast
Emily in Lathrop. I know, you know where Lathrop
is, north of Kansas City, just a bit. Yeah. Oh,
go ahead, what? Oh, no, I say, yeah, I know where
it's at. Okay, right off I -35, I believe. Yeah,
we know they're horrible. We don't do it. It's
a free service that RSS gives to us. And, look,
we don't have time or the money to do it somehow
else. We can't pay someone to do it. and we also
don't have the time to do it ourselves. So whatever
RSS gives us, if it's half right, it's better
than what we have right now without them, and
that's nothing. So I think that they can give
you something for free. If it hits, from what
I could tell, I read a couple of them, it hits
about 70 % of the time. I think that's pretty
fair for a free service. What do you think, Rob?
Yeah, I think it's pretty fair. Yeah. I mean,
look, it's never going to be perfect. Even if
Rob and I had the time, we wouldn't hit everything
either. It's just the way it is. You know, I
mean, it would take forever to transcript everything
that we say. So whenever they got this AI or
whatever, it's good enough. And I'm sorry, but
I mean, like I always said, I don't know why
people want to read it. Why don't they just listen
to it? I don't understand why the transcripts
are such a big deal, but I guess they are to
some people. So, Emily, thank you, but it's not
going to be any different. I mean, what you have
now is what you're going to have because of everything
I just said. All right. Now, we got a featured
email after that, too, from Johnny and OP. All
right. Hey, guys. I read that Odyssey is going
to sell most of the stations that they own after
they turn them to profit makers. Kind of like
flipping houses, only radio stations. You think
that rock could be bought by someone and they
could bring back Johnny Dare? Just hoping, Kenneth.
I stick to what I said. The format of the rock
and the fox is not the preferred demographic
anymore. Advertisers don't care about us so much.
They consider us not buying our new homes now.
We might buy a car or something. We're not in
the middle of our life trying to buy a boat or
something. We're not that demographic. And I'm
saying that if The Rock doesn't pick up Johnny,
you're probably not going to get him on a radio
station around Kansas City because the market
is not big enough for two rock stations. And
that's what happened in the first place. The
Fox is doing a much better job. of uh of garnering
this age group that they're both trying to hit
on so um if the rock gets sold they're going
to change it to something else i predict um i
i still think that they're going to go for a
harder edge x or the edge or something like that
and you might see laszlo in the morning but i'm
telling you look man i'm no radio expert obviously
but this is how i i think about it i think that
our demographic is not the person is not the
preferred anymore. And you're not going to see
new stations popping up with the rock format.
You're going to see them popping up with something
else. So one Oh one has got this station mark.
He's got the, they've got the market cornered.
So I think if the, I think that they'll get Johnny,
but it's got to run its course. It's got to go
through the, the non -compete and then there
might be a little bit of tug and war between
what they pay him and stuff like that. So it's
going to be a while, but if the Fox doesn't get
him, then I don't think you're going to see him
on radio, which is a damn shame because he's
very talented and very good. This is my own opinion
of what's going on. I could be very wrong, and
I've been wrong before a lot. I was going to
add that the non -compete Even if somebody does
buy it and start up another rock station, he
still won't be able to for a while. Yeah. Well,
no, he wouldn't be competing then. No, no. But
then that would, I don't know how that works
non -compete if they sell. Yeah. The thing is,
is you're not going to see anybody buying a radio
station and turning it to rock. It's just the
way it is. I don't see that either. Now, it's
too bad, it's unfortunate, but we're not that
demographic. We're not the sexy demographic anymore.
And let alone them putting any money into it
like having a decent morning show. They just
don't do it. They don't have the money for it.
But if there's a station that's going to do it,
it's going to be the Fox. Because like I said,
Cumulus in Kansas City is about the only conglomerate
I see trying to add talent, not take away talent.
So I'm still sticking with my statement. What
do you think, Rob? Yeah, I'm sticking with it,
too. Okay, well, you shall see what happens.
And this is not a knock on Johnny. We love him.
We think he's a great morning show guy. He's
one of the best in the business. I think he would
be a great addition to the box. I really do.
I think so, too. I just think it's a landscape
of radio. I mean, you know, people like Bubba
the Love Sponge, they had to go to a video thing
on the Internet. I mean, and they do very well.
Because that guy has had the most rabid fans
since day one. People that love him are nuts
about him. And they walk their wall for him.
So when he went to Twitch at first, now I don't
know what else, Rumble, mainly YouTube and Facebook
now, he has people sending him money. And he
is completely, completely a listener -funded
show. And people send him money because they
want him to be there every morning. That tells
you about the landscape of that type of radio
and that type of a show. So, I just don't think
that you're going to see any type of a radio
station willing to invest in a said morning show
like that anymore. So, anyhow. And unfortunately,
some of the greats have been iced out now for
a while. The only saving grace is Anthony Acumia
of Opie and Anthony. He got a job on the weekends.
I think it's like one day a week on WABC in New
York. But I think it's a political thing. I don't
think it's your wacky, well, I know it's not.
It's not your wacky morning show, you know, like
having people have sex in a cathedral or whatever
the fuck they did. I forgot. Or that bus with
the strippers and shit like that. You will not
see that on WABC. He's going to be whatever.
I think he's conservative. You're going to hear
that stuff. You're not going to hear the stuff
that they used to do at all. Because that's gone.
Okay. Johnny No P. The Great Mini Rubik's Cube
Caper. God, if I could talk. And that's all he
wrote. Just like he wrote Llama. He said, The
Great Mini Rubik's Cube Caper. Rob, do you know
anything about this? Why does that sound familiar?
Well, because it was a funny joke we used to
do all the time. Johnny, keep them coming. He
says he has a bunch more stuff that he remembers
that we don't. Okay. All right. We were going
through Davey's closet, the one in the main upstairs
in the main hallway. There's that little closet,
right? We're going through it looking for something.
And we find this mini Rubik's Cube. Remember
the mini ones, the small ones? Yeah. Okay, you
know Davey liked to wear spandex, right? Yeah.
Okay. He put this Rubik's Cube down his spandex,
right on his crotch. It looked like a perfect
little square. And we used to go to the mall
and other places with that sitting there. And
we would wait, because... Women check out guys
like guys check out women. You know, they kind
of like look up and down and go, all right, that
looks decent, all right. Every chick would be
like sitting there listening to them and kind
of look down and you see their eyes bulging up.
What the fuck is that? It's this perfect square
where his dick should be. And it's spandex. Do
you remember that at all? No, I do not remember
that. We used to do that at the mall or any public
place. Everyone would act like nothing was going
on. And you see them looking, and they were too
ashamed. They didn't want us to think that they
were looking, so they wouldn't say anything.
Instead, they just sit there and kind of look
down a couple of times and try to look down again
and try to figure it out. And you can see they're
giving it out on the looks on their face. They
didn't realize it, but they're having this confused
look like, what the fuck is that? It was just
the perfect crime. And it's all because Davey
was dicking around. Oh, and it happened to be
his nephew, Michael's. It happened to be his
mini Rubik's Cube. And he wasn't very happy that
it was pressed up against Dave's nutsack for
all those years. But I'm pretty sure, you know
what, it probably got alcoholed off. And I don't
think he even has it anymore. I doubt it. So,
hey, Johnny, keep them coming. I forgot about
the llamas. I forgot the mini Rubik's Cube. So,
I forget about a lot of shit. He's also the guy
that told me about the car that ran me off the
road with the guns and shit. He's the one that
remembered that, too. So, he has a much better
memory than me, I can tell you that. Yeah, no
doubt. So, I'm going to tell his name one of
these days. I don't think he's that worried about
it. And if he is, this is your warning. Anyhow,
Rob, let's go to you. Alright. Classified document
posted to the CIA website is raising eyebrows
with claims of an alleged UFO attack on Soviet
forces. The viral report summarizes an article
published in Canadian Weekly World News, and
I'm just going to say a Ukrainian paper. I'm
not even going to try it. Babel Snatch? The Ukrainian
paper Babel Snatch? Okay, yeah, yeah. and was
initially released to the public in May 2000.
The firsthand report described a retaliatory
alien attack after Soviet soldiers reportedly
shot down a UFO flying over a military base.
The aliens reportedly emerged from the wreckage,
fusing together into one object and bursting
into a bright light and turning all but two of
the soldiers. Huh? Yeah, that's what the report
says. Where is this report coming from? It's
from the CIA. Whoa. Okay. And it was published
in the Canadian Weekly World News and that Ukrainian
paper. That's rather scary. If the KGB file corresponds
to reality, this is an extremely menacing case.
An unnamed CIA representative was quoted by saying
in the report, the aliens possess such weapons
and technology that go beyond all our assumptions.
They can stand up for themselves at attack. Canadian
Weekly World News. between 1989 and 1990 and
was initially published in 1993. Wow. Yeah. That's
crazy. Well, I've always said this and I stick
to it. Aliens don't need anything from us as
of right now. So they're not messing with us.
But they're advanced and they're out there. As
soon as they need something from us, then we'll
bet we're all gone. They'll wipe us off the face
of the Earth and take the Earth. Just my personal
opinion. Thank you, Rob. Wow. The report also
describes how five short humanoids with large
head and large black eyes emerged from the downed
spacecraft used together to create one single
object while emitting a loud buzzing. These large
black eyes came from somewhere because virtually
every description of an alien has that in it.
Have you noticed? Yeah, yeah. I'd like to know
where it came from. I think there's some sort
of truth in it. I'm trying to believe in this
story. When I read it. Truth is always stranger
than fiction. I've said this for a long time
now, and it's true. Wow. Yeah. Okay, is that
it? Yeah, that's it. Okay, let's take our second
break, and Jeffy X got a list. That sound good?
Sounds good. All right, we'll be right back.
And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark. Hmm, let's
see. If I identify as a dog, and I start wandering
around the block without a collar on, Could Animal
Control come by and pick me up? I may never know.
Why, Whataburger, you say? Well, because what
a deep -fried crispy chicken nugget just didn't
have the right ring. Hey fellas, remember to
wipe away from the twins! Stay fresh ideas from
the douchebags. Two douchebags and microphone
in an effort to keep everything fresh. We offer
you first world problems. My 76 inch smart HDMI
triphonic stereo TV. My remote won't work unless
I'm right in front of it. I can't believe it.
This is bullshit. Your mom is so scatterbrained.
It took her two hours to watch 60 Minutes. Strange,
but true. In 1903, two unrelated men named Will
and William West identical in appearance, were
both sent to Leavenworth Prison, causing confusion.
This led to the adoption of fingerprint identification.
No bat light here. These idiots just show up
and hope for the best. Knob Lake is an unincorporated
community in southern St. Francis County, Missouri,
United States. It is located on Missouri Route
DD, just east of U .S. Route 67, approximately
8 miles south of Farmington, Missouri. Knob Lick
has a post office with the zip code 63651, which
has been in operation since 1870. The community
takes its name from nearby Knob Lick Mountain.
In the Ozarks, Knob typically refers to an isolated
summit, and Wick is a natural salt lick or salt
spring. The mountain runs across U .S. 67. Approximately
80 acres of the summit are protected by the Missouri
Department of Conservation. A gravel road leads
to the conservation area, which includes a granite
glade, picnic facilities, and a closed fire lookout
tower. 147 was the population reported in 2020.
Oh, shit. What's that over there? Oh, no. It's
the island of horrible jokes. I bought a jacket
from the store. I had to take it back. It kept
shocking me. They gave me another one, free of
charge. Now, from his underground bunker in Camden,
Missouri, stocked full of dried goods, canned
food, and a couple of vibrating toys, is Ramblings
of a Madman, featuring Rob Rad. Batman would
look ridiculous solving crime on a sunny day.
Two douchebags and a microphone. I'm Mark on
the extreme southern edge of the Kansas City
Metroplex. And I am Rob. It's beautiful. I angle
on the lake to the ocean. Yay. Where are you,
Mitch? Yes, Mitch. Mitch, you've got to send
us a picture. I've got to see what you look like.
Dude's genius, I swear. I want a picture of that
lake, too. Oh, yeah, yeah. The beautiful crystal
blue waters of the Massey Creek Arm. Oh, my God.
I don't know. He's got a 10 -word description
of it that I love. Okay, well, we have a new
Jeffy X list. And this comes from this article
here. Jeffy X had to do a little checking. So,
now they have fried chicken flavored toothpaste.
And it sells out shortly after it's introduced.
Fried chicken isn't just a food anymore, Rob.
It's a paste. KFC recently introduced a fried
chicken flavored toothpaste. The flavors are
inspired by all of KFC's 11 herbs and spices.
Herbs, not herbs. I always call them herbs. I
know it's herbs. According to a news release,
like biting into a hot, juicy piece of KFC original
recipe chicken, this toothpaste is irresistible,
coating your teeth in flavor before leaving your
mouth feeling fresh and clean. The news release
said of the Kentucky -based fast food chain's
new toothpaste. Well, you know what? Jeffy X.
Sign me up. Yes, it is. Oh, yeah. Colgate Labs,
and he got us a list of the failed toothpaste
flavors that they're trying to come out with.
They all went to these focus groups and panels
and they failed. But Jeffy acts like a true hero
that he is. He went in there and he confiscated
this list before he was caught. And he did this
with his dirty Sgt. Pepper's uniform on. That
you embroidered for him how many years ago, or
a year ago, or over a year ago now, right? That
was not this last Christmas, but this was before.
Yeah, he's been wearing this thing solid ever
since. Even when he puts on the flying bat suit
that you made him, he puts that over the Sgt.
Pepper's outfit. He's a huge Beatles fan, and
Sgt. Pepper was his favorite one from the Beatles.
And Rob was nice enough, because all the lists
he gives us, and him. quite frankly, risking
his life in these situations to get us these
lists that have been thrown away under lock and
key. And so Rob made him some Jeffy X embroidered
underwear with a Jeffy on the back and an X on
the front with a Steven Pearcy from the Glam
Band rat. He used to supposedly have a pouch
sewn in on the inside of his spandex so he could
put a sock or two in there and, you know, look
a little beefy there. Well, you know, we're pretty
sure that Jeffy X doesn't need it, but Rob was
nice enough to put one in there if he felt he
needed some, you know, added bulge, right? And
then you made him a flying bat suit and the Sergeant
Pepper's outfit, which he refuses to take off.
So, and it was white, of course. The Sergeant
Pepper. Yeah, yeah. I think you need to make
him another one. Give that to him so he can put
it on and he can take that other one off and
trash it. But give him like one for every day
of the week. That way he can take it off and
still have it. Do what? Find out what his birthday
is. Okay, I will. And I'll get that to you and
then you can give him that for it. And me, I'm
a much simpler man. I gave him $3 ,000 to buy
on hookers and blow or maybe get his mom a gift.
Whatever he felt like. So, Jeffy, we love you.
All right. The number one that failed was green
bean flavored toothpaste. Sounds good to me.
I don't understand why that failed. How do you
feel, Rob? I don't either. I don't see why it
failed me. Yeah, green bean sounds great, man.
I wonder if it, like, has the onions and the
stewed tomatoes in it and all that, too. You
know, how some people do their green beans. Or
it was just flat green beans. Did it have butter
in it and onions? You know, it didn't say here.
But either way, green beans sounds fantastic
in a toothpaste, doesn't it? It does. Well, I
don't know why it didn't fail or why it didn't
work. All right. Next one is vinegar and oil.
Talk about the perfect complement to any food.
Vinegar and oil. I don't know what this focus
panel's thinking. I don't get it. I don't either.
I don't either. Burger and oil on a toothpaste?
Oh, well. The next one I think I agree with.
Salmon flavored. Rob? Yeah. I gotta agree with
him on that. Okay. Nobody wants to smell like
fish on their breath, right? Nah. Yeah. The only
reason you always smell fish on your breath is
a particular reason, and that's not what they're
talking about, right? Exactly. All right. Next
one is squid. Yeah. Once again. Yeah, yeah. I
think I see that. Now, you know, smelling like
salmon is one thing or tuna or whatever, but
squid is a whole other dynamic to gross. So,
yeah, I agree. The next one I think I see, too,
because I'm not a seafood guy, but maybe you
could say something different, Rob, in protest,
because you do like some seafood, right? Yeah,
some I do. Okay. Clam chowder. Not the toothpaste.
Clam chowder. I think I agree with that. I'm
going to have to agree with him on that one,
too. Yeah, that doesn't sound appeasing at all.
As a matter of fact, it sounds downright gross.
The next one. Would be liver and onions. Oh,
I definitely have to agree with him on that one.
Yeah, yeah, I don't think liver and onions, yeah,
yeah, I don't think it belongs with toothpaste.
I think I'd have to agree with him on that. Now,
this next one's a damn shame, Rob. I am personally
insulted that this didn't make it. 7 -Eleven
nacho cheese that comes out of a pump can. What
the hell's wrong with that? Oh, come on. Yeah,
you guys are a bunch of buzzkills. Jeez. I don't
know what to say, Rob. You got anything to say
to that? There's not much you can say. That's
just wrong. Yeah. 7 -Eleven nacho cheese in a
pump can is divine. Okay. All right. The next
one, I think I agree with. Blood sausage. What
do you think, Rob? Yeah, I got to agree with
him on that. Yeah, the blood sausage toothpaste.
Not a big hit. Not a big hit at all. The next
one I have a personal problem with. Who does
not love those juicy rotisserie chickens on the
little spindle rolling around? Oh, come on. They
said no to that. A beautiful, delicious rotisserie
chicken. And they didn't want to put it in toothpaste
flavor? I mean, you know, you got fried chicken
flavor already. Why not just expand it to rotisserie?
You passed the KFC. Yeah, yeah. I don't get it.
I think they missed the boat on that one too,
Rob. I don't know what to say. I'm sitting here.
I'm flabbergasted. That's what it is. Are you
flabbergasted? I am. Yes. We're both flabbergasted.
Highly. All right, next one. How about egg salad?
Yeah. I like that. I like that. You like it?
All right. Well, I'm sorry they failed you, Rob.
You're not going to get egg salad because this
focus panel, being snobbish, turned it down.
I'm sorry, Rob. Just can't afford to eat it anymore.
Yeah. Yeah, you need to take out a loan on your
house to fucking do it. Yeah. Yeah. Egg prices.
All right. Next one would be Carolina Reaper
flavored toothpaste. You know, I think I could
see some logic in that. What about you? Yeah.
Okay. Yeah. Especially if you're fighting gum
disease. Oh. Oh, damn. Oh. Or even if you have
a cavity. You'll know it after that, won't you?
Oh, hell yeah. You'll be hitting the fucking
roof. The next one, it depends. I know half and
half. Half the people I know love it, half the
people I know hate it. I'm a hater of it, but
spam -flavored toothpaste. I'm going to have
to agree with him on that. Yeah, spam is... It
doesn't look edible to me. It looks like coagulated
pressed vomit. It smells about the same, too.
All right. The next one, I think I agree with,
too, unless you put a little garlic in it, it
may not be too bad, but potted meat flavored
toothpaste. I have to agree with him on that
one, too. I think so. Even if you put a little
garlic in it, I think it's not going to save
it. You know, it basically looks like chewed
up meat that someone spit in a can. There you
go. Um, next one is garlic hummus. Um, I don't
know. Sounds kind of good. I could go with that.
I could, too. I could go with that. Yeah. You
know, these focus panels, I don't know. They're
a little snobby, don't you think? Yeah. No garlic
hummus? I mean, you could, like, brush your teeth
and then eat pita chips afterwards. It'd be like
eating hummus and pita chips. Oh, my God. That
would be perfect. Yeah. Did no one, like, let
them know that they could do that at the focus
panel? I don't know. Once again, I'm baffled,
Rob. I'm baffled. The next one would be garlic
hummus. Oh, no, no. Shit. Just did that, didn't
I? Alright. I am... I don't know what's wrong
with me tonight. Something is. Alright. The next
one is spinaca. Spinach. Yeah. Yeah, I agree
with him on that one. Yep, yep. The next one,
you better not say in front of Topher. He was
kidnapped by these bastards and is forced to
touch kale every day. Oh. He still has nightmares.
Cindy, his wife, has to treat him for PTSD every
evening because that kale episode where the kale
producers of America grabbed him and made him
touch kale every day for two months until he
escaped. That was truly a tragedy. It was. It
was. We have the tapes of Topher in there. He
managed to get away in the kale fields. He was
running. And while he was recording for us, he
accidentally touched some kale and he had to
get off. I mean, per guy. All right. And then
finally, baloney. Come on, guys. Baloney's a
great American food. And toothpaste? Delicious.
What could go wrong with that, Rob? Once again,
flabbergasted. What about you, Rob? Yeah, they're
letting us down. Yeah, they are. We're both flabbergasted.
I don't know what else to say. So, Rob, we turn
to you. Okay, well, I have a recall. Uh -oh.
Yeah, uh -oh. Vermont -based Cabot Creamery is
recalling more than 1 ,701 pounds of butter due
to the product containing elevated levels of
holoform. Holoform... It's a bacteria found in
human and animal feces. Is that what causes cholera?
Or do you know? I don't know. I'll have to look
that up. Anyhow. The recall affects 8 -ounce
packages of Cabot Creamery Extra Creamy Premium
Butter Sea Salty. The butter comes in a package
of two 4 -ounce sticks with the UPC number. You
know what to look for. The recalled butter also
has a best -by date of September 9, 2025. The
butter was sold at retailers in Arkansas, Connecticut,
Maine, New Hampshire, New York, Pennsylvania,
and Vermont. Okay, here is what I found on coliform.
Most coliform bacteria are not harmful. However,
some can make you sick. A person who has been
exposed to these bacterias may have an upset
stomach, vomiting, and fever or diarrhea. And
it comes out of well waters a lot too. And that's
for obvious reasons because of the urine. Okay,
yeah. Yeah, I remember when I took my pool certification,
we had to work. Oh, yeah, yeah. People matter
in the pool and stuff. Yeah. Okay. Okay. I know
what you're talking about now. All right. Rob,
there's an Australian surgeon that was fined
$10 ,000 for sharing a picture of a coma patient's
swastika -tattooed penis. A doctor in Australia
found himself stuck between a rock and a hard
place. They wrote this, not me. A Queensland
surgeon was reprimanded and slapped with a $10
,000 fine for snapping a photo of a coma patient's
penis, which featured a swastika tattoo, and
then sharing it on a WhatsApp group chat, according
to the New Zealand Herald. The tattooed patient
required orthopedic surgery in April 2019. After
a pipe bomb he was reportedly making at home
exploded in his hands. He deserved it. He deserved
it. Yeah, he had a swastika tattoo on his penis
and he's making a pipe bomb? I'm sorry, that
spells trouble to me. What do you think? Oh my
God, yeah. He was intubated and placed in a medically
induced coma while recovering in intensive care
when the surgeon noticed his hateful tattoo.
He then took matters into his own hands and shared
a picture of the patient's apparently anti -Semitic
private parts in a group chat with their co -workers,
the Herald reported. The scandal flew under the
radar until the Office of the Health Minister
received a tip about the bizarre ordeal in late
2024. The department launched an investigation
and found that the surgeon's actions had no clinical
or medical purpose. The tribunal overseeing the
controversy recognized that the surgeon had expressed
regret for the private photo sharing, but the
doc was still fined a whopping $10 ,000 and reprimanded.
The patient was unconscious and partially vulnerable,
the tribune said. The surgeon was fined but free
to practice after. And you see, if that happened
in America, He would probably not be practicing
anymore, wouldn't you think? No, he would not.
But you know what? I think I'd have to do the
same thing. I get it. You know we would. You
know we would. My caption on the group chat on
the WhatsApp chat would be like, look at this
moron. Can you believe he's working on a pipe
bomb to blow himself up? That's what it would
be. I'm sorry, man. I don't know about feeling
that. I would do the same thing. Yeah, yeah,
I would too. I think that's what you're supposed
to do as a man. You're like, okay. But that's
probably why we're not doctors. Good point, Rob.
Good point. Okay, Rob, you got something you
want to go into? I don't know what else after
that one. Geez. Yeah, I got one. All right, go.
The sweet steaks got me known for... The massive
check being delivered to unsuspecting winners,
Publisher's Clearinghouse, is filed for bankruptcy.
Really? I don't know how long it was going to
take. I know. They've been around for shit. Ever.
Yeah, since we were... Go ahead. Go ahead. Oh,
no, no. I was just going... I didn't know where
to take... I'm just going, wow. Go ahead. I'm
sorry. Oh. The company filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy
in the bankruptcy court of the Southern District
of New York. The filing will allow the company
to reorganize its structure. It plans to move
away from direct mail, retail, and magazine subscriptions
and transform into a digital advertising platform
that will have free -to -play entertainment via
the web and apps. that will allow users to win
prizes. They've already had that. So they're
going strictly to that, I guess. Okay, well,
that would make more sense in today's environment,
wouldn't it? Yeah, because I remember my cousin
sitting around playing the games on her phone
trying to win. Yeah, so they're doing away with
the direct mail and all that. The company said,
folks, it's clearing house. in a business -as
-usual manner, including having the Price Patrol
visit winners, giving them the supersized check,
champagne, and flowers, the same way it has done
for more than half a century. Okay. TCH claims
it has awarded more than $618 million over the
years. Wow. A lot of money. It is, and I could
not believe they're still around. Yeah. Okay,
wow. Thank you, Rob. It's 9 .15. Do you want
to keep going or do you want to shut it down?
I'll leave it up to you. I've got a few more
minutes. Okay. Are you done? Yeah, that's all
on that story. Okay. an eatery was forced to
compensate four thousand guests after drunk teens
urinated into broth a video of drunk teenagers
urinating into broth at a restaurant in china
went viral forcing the eatery to compensate four
thousand guests the seventeen -year -old males
at a shanghai branch of The country's biggest
hotspot chain carried out the unsanitary act
on February 24th in a private dining room of
the restaurant, according to the BBC. Hedalia
admitted their employees working at night failed
to stop the teens and claimed they weren't alerted
to the nasty situation until four days later,
according to CNN. It then took the company, which
owes more than 1 ,000 restaurants worldwide,
until March 6th to confirm the location where
the gross scene occurred. Guests at Hedalia used
their own personal hot pot to cook their food,
so it seems no one actually consumed the urine
-laden meal. But it remains unclear whether or
not the hot spot the teens used was properly
disinfected before being given to the next customer.
Hedalia has since assured the public it's replaced
all its hot spot equipment. dining utensils and
disinfected other crockery and utensils we fully
understand the distress caused to our customers
by the sense that we they cannot be fully compensated
by any means the company said in the statement
we're willing to do our utmost to take responsibility
and we assure you that no act like this will
ever happen again and you know it said it said
it This happened between February 24th and March
8th. And anybody that was in there during that
time is offered a full refund as well as monetary
compensation ten times the amount they were billed.
So, okay, so this way I take it, Robbie, you
correct me if I'm wrong. Or if you think I'm
wrong. Okay. They pissed in these pots. But they
can't prove that they were disinfected correctly,
right? Right. Okay. Well, these pots get very
hot. Now, I'm not saying, like, you know, someone
urinating in a pot is cool and then you have
your food in there. But what I'm saying is it's
cooked to over 190 degrees, which kills anything
in it. I think it's 180 kills any bacteria that
could be in it. So these were clean pots when
you heat them up that much to cook your food.
So I think at first I didn't read the whole article.
I was like, oh, no, they owe those people more.
Now that I know that they didn't serve the urine
directly to people and that they don't know they
could have sanitized them or they may not have,
that's the part they don't know, they're offering
them a full refund, an apology, and ten times
the amount of their bill. Yeah, yeah. That is
fair. I mean, look, I mean, that chain might
go out of business anyhow because people don't
like that. You don't mess with their food, right?
Do you like that, Rob? I don't like people messing
with my food either. Me neither. I can't stand
it whenever I see people and it's got a half
-open kitchen and I see someone over there telling
a joke and you see the little spitballs flying
in your food because you know, like, maybe you're
the only person there and they're working on
something and you see the plate. And then some
guy comes up telling a joke, and it's like, dude,
get away from my food. Don't fucking breathe
on it. Don't talk to the guy. I can see little
spitballs fucking hitting it. That drives me
nuts. I could see how someone would be like,
ugh. I mean, that would be hard to get over.
But anyhow, Rob, you got something? I got a cool
little story here. All right. A nine -year -old
boy in Kansas drove his parents. truck to school
on Wednesday after he missed the school bus.
Okay. KAKE reports that police in May received
a call Wednesday morning about a young boy driving
a white pickup. After traveling to the scene,
they were then redirected to the nearby school,
Praywoodman Elementary. Once there, police learned
the boy had taken his parents' white Chevy truck
to make the three -mile trip between his house
and the school. The boy told police his dad was
already at work and his mom was out of town,
so he took the truck because he didn't want to
miss school. Sergeant Braden Blackburn told news
outlets that the youth parked better than most
people parked. This was a new one up. For us,
he added, there were no collisions or traffic
issues and police did not write any tickets.
Like Burns said, and he's sure he's in tons of
trouble with his parents. I bet he is. Yeah.
He was trying to get to school, right? How much
trouble would you be in for missing school, though?
Yeah, that's... Come on, you gotta... I'm kind
of... I can understand him getting a talking
to, but that'd be about it, man. It'd be like,
look, you're trying to get to school. We find
that admirable. Just don't do it in the car when
you're not licensed, you little fuck. And that's
about it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Cool story. I thought
it was pretty cool. All right. Do you want to
keep going or do you want to wrap this bitch
up? That's about all I got for tonight, my friend.
All righty. All right. Well, that's all the douchebags
you get for tonight, but never fear. We'll be
back Tuesday evening with another Star Spangled
Loaded Edition, right? Yes, we will. Star Spangled
and loaded like a baked potato. We may not have
sour cream, but everything else will be there,
right, Rob? Yes. Yeah. And we even have a little
garlic, too, if you like that. That's how fully
loaded we are. Just no sour cream. All right.
Everybody, have a good night. Thank you for listening,
assholes. Good night, assholes. Good night, assholes.
Oh, no. Looks like the show's over, kids. Mark
has explosive diarrhea and can't afford a wireless
mic. Fear not, assholes. They'll be back invading
your ear holes soon.