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Here at Two Douchebags and a Microphone, we don't
stand behind our journalistic integrity. Go ahead
and assume we got the story wrong. At least we
admit it. Not like all those other guys, we can
and will lie if it makes the story better. Two
douchebags and a microphone? constant pursuit
for a real knee slapper. It's strange insults
from an alien. Real hilarity. You are the human
equivalent to a participation trophy. The apocalypse
just happened. You don't know what to do. You
don't know where to go. But we can tell you what
you can eat. We're in an apocalypse. You will
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create powerful natural insecticides. They are
some of nature's best organic and natural pesticides
that when combined can make a far more superior
weapon that growers can effectively use to improve
their integrated pest management on their crops
or on their person. Yes, it's true. Mark is an
old bastard. It's also true that Mark uses a
lot of ibuprofen. But Mark would like to tell
you, if you see any pictures of Ibuprofen, it's
obviously fake, and you're to take the pictures
and tear them up immediately. And now, Deep Thoughts
with Mark. Why is it when we skate on thin ice,
we can get into hot water? That just doesn't
make sense. Why? Two deuce bags and a microphone.
I'm in the Kansas City chapter, and my name is
Mark. And I am on my ankle arm at Lake of the
Ozarks, and my name is Rob. Beautiful Lake of
the Ozarks. Beautiful. Sorry, Rob. Sorry, I keep
busting your balls over that. I'm sorry. I'm
trying to remember all the words. Yeah, okay.
Beautiful Lake of the Ozarks. Yes. No, I don't
mess with them. I don't mess with them. Well...
I tell them, hey, I ain't got nothing, you know.
No money. Oh, yeah, yeah, that's right. You did.
You did. You said direct deposit. That's right.
Direct deposit. All I have is a debit card. I
ain't going to a debit machine. Oh, well, up
here they expect you to. I don't think they're
so bold down there. I told you what that chick
said to me. I'm like, no. Oh, yeah, down here
they're not that bold. Yeah, you got a debit
card. Actually, yeah, they try to run. Well,
they do at the city market, too, but every now
and then a couple of them get through. You know,
maybe the security's over on the other end tending
to something. So that's when someone like me
gets tired of dealing with their bullshit, and
they just walk into one of the establishments
and say, hey, you got some vagrants out here
that will not leave people alone, and then they'll
shoot them off. And they did. They shoot them
off. See, the thing is, we do not have a big
problem with that down here. That's good. That's
good. You know what I mean? Yeah. If you do find
them, normally it's the Metherson family. Yeah,
yeah. The Muthersons, nobody is immune to the
Muthersons. Everybody has them. Everyone knows
where they're at. I mean, it's just, it's sad
is what it is. So, anyhow, I have another tidbit
from that community, the homeless community.
Up near the Target and Wendy's off the 150 Highway
near State Line, you know about where that's
at, right? Yeah, yeah. There is a panhandler
area underneath the traffic light. They like
to sit there and look at you like a sad puppy
that just got smacked on the nose. You know,
try to get, you know, tug at your heartstrings.
Oh man, look, they got a dog and they got a couple
of kids and all this stuff. But I'm pretty sure,
I'm pretty sure that this thing is an elaborate
scheme because there are certain things that
I'll get to. So I'm making fun of them only because
of this right here. They have designer high quality
beach umbrella. So they could sit under it and
not worry about that annoying sunburn. I mean,
this is a beautiful umbrella that they have.
I mean, it's one of the designer ones that you
would buy from a high -end store. And this thing
is huge. And they sit underneath it so they don't,
I don't know, don't get sunburned, I guess. And
I'm like thinking, wow. And then they have these
nice chairs. And they sit there in the chairs
underneath this umbrella and sit there with their
hand out. And I'm going, what the hell is going
on here? You know, did I wake up in an... an
alternate universe where well you know what i
gotta say this though rob it's better better
than washington dc i was up there this is the
first time i've ever been to washington dc this
quite a few years ago i think it's 07 i had to
go up there on a job and i just freaked out because
they have tents right next to stop lights and
stop signs and someone reaches their hand out
And people open up their window and just give
them money in their hand. And then they don't
even get out of the tent. Can you believe that?
Really? Yeah. I was amazed. I look at the people
working with me. I go, did you guys just see
that? And they're like, yeah. And we're just
shaking our head going, you know. It's like,
we're the dumb ones, I guess. There's a panhandler
that's underneath the light, and they sit there.
Like I said, they look sad at you. So, anyhow,
they have this high -quality beach umbrella.
It's probably about a $300 umbrella. I looked
them up. They also appear to be wearing Ray -Ban
shades. I really couldn't get a read on the shoes,
but I'm almost certain those are Ray -Ban. You
know how Ray -Ban has that unique design on them?
Yeah. Yeah, it was that, whatever they call that,
that kind of, I don't know. sleek look. I'm pretty
sure they were Ray -Ban unless they were really
good knockoffs. They were Ray -Ban. So they have
Ray -Ban. They have a designer umbrella. I couldn't
tell about the shoes. But believe me, they were
dressed better than me. I mean, so I'm on the
other side of the highway waiting on a light
and people are shoveling money at them. You know,
Rob, I mean, are we the dumb ones? We go to work
every day, tear up our bodies. Yeah, we are.
It makes me wonder, yeah. No, but there's this
thing as, oh, what do you call it? Self -satisfaction,
you know, how you feel about it, how you look
to others. You know what I mean? All this stuff.
Quality of yourself. I mean, I'm sorry. I know
there's people that are down on their luck, but
I could never do that out of me just not wanting.
to be that person you know what i mean like hey
i'm just sitting here getting money from people
nah i'll make my own that's cool so so their
car if it's the one that i always see in the
shopping center it's a really nice honda yet
suv i'm not sure if it's there but i see that
car parked every time they're panhandling so
i mean every time they're there that honda suv
is there whenever they're not there it's gone
so i kind of think it's there so there again
i mean another high dollar, or fairly high dollar
item, you know, especially if you're homeless
or whatever. So, anyhow, my old buddy Gene Simmons,
he's at it again, Rob. Always. Always. Never
stops. Not only is he doing another Kiss show
after they retired, but now you can be his personal
roadie for a day. All you need is $12 ,000. I
read that. Gene, carry your own fucking equipment,
you fat fuck. You might work off that fucking
huge gut you developed. Seriously. And anyone
that gives 12 grand to haul his shit around is
a moron. You're not a fan. You're a moron. Write
in. If you don't like what I said, fucking write
in. I'm certain of this. Hey, hey. No, no, no.
Wait a second. Let me put my two cents on it.
Yes, please do, Rob. I want to hear this. 12
fucking grand? I'll go do it. If he pays me 12
grand, I'll do it, but I ain't paying him 12
grand to do it. What a fucking... That's like
a three -month salary for me. Yeah. Yeah. Why
not? For one night? Why not? Yeah, there is no
way I would pay that. I would never pay that
fucking asshole $12 ,000 to go hold his shit
around. Are you using? Yeah, hell yeah. So...
Anyhow, while I'm at this bitch session about
money and all that stuff, you know, because we
go from the panhandlers to Gene Simmons, in my
opinion, ripping people off. So, anyhow. Oh,
what now? Did you take a Percocet? No, I did
not. No, this is... Just asking. I barely had
ibuprofen today. I had one. I just wanted to
know which way we were going tonight. possible
causes, maybe the insurance company, more than
they figured it up, you know, they figured it
up wrong, or whatever the issue might be, they
never give me my money back, like, in a check.
Instead, they give me credit. I don't want fucking
credit. What if I don't do business with you
again? Are you just going to keep it? At a desk?
Yes. They fucking give you credit. And then I
call down their pay. That should be illegal.
I think so, too. It pisses me off, and I may
leave them because of it. Because it's like this.
They're not going to send you a check back. Or
how about when I'm in there, I go, you know what?
We overcharged you 50 bucks. Here it is. I'd
have some respect for that. But it's like, oh,
we just put it credit for your next bill. How
do you know there's a next bill? And also, you're
keeping my money. How about some interest on
it? It's just like Ticketmaster when a concert.
goes through or whatever. People need to really
start thinking about this stuff. I definitely
am. I don't know if I'll ever go to another concert
again in my life because of the way they do things.
It pisses me off to no end. And the thing is...
I don't know. I'm being talked into going to
Darius Rucker. You know what? I mean, he's really
good though. I mean, I would enjoy that too.
He's really good. So, that will probably happen.
He's going to be right here in Campton. Okay,
that will happen. That one will happen. I'm pretty
sure about that, unless he breaks his leg or
something. But I'm pretty sure that'll happen.
You know, even car insurance, as crooked as they
are, they'll send you a check back. Yeah, I usually
pay my car insurance online every six months
at a time. And I'll look around for a better
price. If I feel the rates should be lower, I'll
find another policy and I'll cancel them after
a month or so. And I get a check in the mail
for a refund for the five months, right? Insurance
company doesn't go, hey, we're going to go ahead
and just put credit. We're going to give you
credit, 600 credit or whatever. And, you know,
the next time you business with us, it'll be
here. No, they don't do that. They send you a
check back. Matter of fact, I got a check in
my wallet right now for $33 from Nebraska Furniture
Mart because they sent me an old bill accidentally
and I paid it and I didn't owe all of it. And
I go to the mail and I'm like, hmm, Nebraska
Furniture Mart, I paid that off. And then I open
it up and it's a check. I'm like, wow. And then
it's like, oh, that's how come it had that minus
33. I was wondering about that. I'm like, wait
a minute, am I in debt 33? Or does that mean
I paid it all up? Or does that mean you owe me
33? So I guess they owed it to me. So this is
no different than like I've been bitching about
Ticketmaster, Live Nation. You know, I don't
want credit. This is a dentist's office, not
a Walmart. Walmart, you can take something back
after five years, and they won't give you money
back, but they'll go, here, how about for $40
worth of store credit, and the smart person grabs
that and runs. Yeah. Yeah, so anyhow, I can't
get through the dental store and start picking
up items with my credit. You know, you can't
go up there and go, I'll take 10 of those toothbrushes.
Is that a vibrating plaque remover? How much
is that? Will my credit cover that? You can't
do that. No, you can't. Yeah. So, you know, teeth
whitener? Yeah, that might be within the reach.
You know, I got $50 credit. Hey, how much is
that teeth whitener? Eh, about $45. Okay, how
about that and a $5 check? So, no, uh -uh. So,
if you overcharge me... You're going to save
the $5. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so, you know, if you
take my money and keep it like that... My rules
is I get 30 % compounded interest daily. Yeah.
Until you give it back. That's my money rule.
So if you keep my money, that's what you expect
to do. So, and Rob, you're going to... Yeah,
we're like books. Yes. So, and they're not the
only ones who do it. Look, my doctor's office
is great. They don't do that. They never just...
due credit. They'll give me money back if they
owe it to me. They're fantastic. It's just the
dentist office, and I don't know if it's all
of them, but the one that I go to, they do that,
and it irritates the piss out of me. So, switching
gears completely, let's get away from that. I
got a little energy in it. I know it's a little
negative, but it's also having fun, but we'll
just leave that lie. Everyone can figure out
what they want to about it. Think what they want
to. It's fine. About a month ago, I find this
newer spice. It is wood -fired garlic from Kinder.
Kinder makes those spices. Have you seen it in
the plastic bottle? Yeah, I have. I have. Okay.
There's a wood -fired garlic that is out of this
world. Wow, that sounds good. Oh, it is insane,
dude. You know, they make a lot of unique spices,
Kinder does. They have interesting stuff, and
they're all quality. I take this wood -fired
roasted garlic, and I just put that alone on
steaks, and it was heavenly, dude. I put it on
fried chicken. It was amazing. I put it on grilled
chicken. It was amazing. This thing is a catch
-all. Wood -fired roasted garlic is what you're
looking for. And I'm telling you what, if you
go get Kinder. I'm writing it down right now,
seriously. You'll be thanking me, Rob. I mean,
just when you buy it, you go out to the car.
Open up that lid and just smell, and you'll be
like, oh, my gosh. You'll see what I mean. I'll
probably be dumping it down my throat. I'm telling
you, man, that spice is heavenly. Oh, it's something
else. So I'm pretty sure anyone that does this,
you know, I mean, you'll be thanking me. And
they don't pay me anything. They're not an advertiser
at all in any way. Yeah, we're not advertising
nothing yet. We're advertising, but we don't
even get paid for it. The one guy that I've been
talking to, he's having a problem with the investors.
They don't want to advertise, and he does. So
they're kind of at a stalemate, but it is his
company. He'll win eventually. It's just going
to take a little bit longer than I thought. So
when he does, he does. I told him, I said, no
big deal. We're used to not making shit anyhow,
right? Mm -hmm. Yeah, and I mean... Like we tell
everybody, it's a hobby. Yeah, it's a hobby.
We have fun doing this. At this point, it's a
hobby. We make nothing. We would love for it
to go further, and if it does, great. If not,
then you know what? Hey, it's what it is. But,
you know, we're on the front page of iHeart,
you know? I know. I know. Two times. Please come
on. And I looked it up, and they decide. You
don't do anything. They just go, hey, what about
this one? You want to put them on the front page?
Someone had to have, like, from iHeart, looked
at it and said, two deuce bags of Micron. Maybe
gave us a list and said, you know what, I want
that on the front page. Right. And that would
explain the surge in numbers around that time.
I think the name is going to take us a ways,
too. I'm pretty sure the name probably caught
whoever does that. Yes. Attention. Hmm. Two douchebags
and Michael. Hey, these guys are a little bold
here. Yeah, yeah. And I'm sure that out of all
the mundane stuff that's podcast, self -help,
budgeting your money, interviews, you know, interior
decorating, you know, all this stuff, okay? This
is different by design. We're not going to tell
you how to save money. We're not going to tell
you any self -help. What we're going to hopefully
do is make you laugh and go, I can't believe
they said that, or I can't believe they did that.
That's our whole purpose here. We're not trying
to say anything except fuck everybody. And fuck
us, too. Hell, if nothing else, we'll tell you
how to spend money. Yeah, yeah, we're pretty
damn good at that, let me tell you. Yeah. Yeah.
So, okay, I told you that Wiener World is shut
down, right? Yes, yes. I'm getting ready to make
a trip up there. I know. I know, Rob. I'm sorry.
Bad day. But we are hitting Justin Jim's. Definitely.
Yeah, and we're also going to hit Dave's Hot
Chicken. Yes. Oh, definitely. Yep. Yeah, I'll
be up there for a weekend. Okay, cool. We'll
figure it out. I don't know when, but I'll be
up there. Okay, we'll figure it out. I got the
wheels now. Yeah, I love your wheels too. That
is a beautiful truck. Oh, yes. Got me a 2012
Nissan Frontier. It is beautiful. And the miles
aren't bad. Yeah, 208 ,000. That's not bad at
all. You got a pretty good deal on that truck.
You got a really good deal. So, from what I understand
this, what happened with Wiener World is, the
Walmart that's right next door there, they reconfigured
their exits, and it made it hard for people to
go into the entrance of Wiener World. It was
too confusing. And they said that when that happened,
their business dropped off by three quarters
because people didn't want to deal with it. Because
that's a busy section of town there. It's right
off Metcalf and people go there for other businesses
like Walmart. Okay. Yeah, so from what I read,
they're going to look for another location. But
as of right now, they're gone. But they're going
to look for another location that's not going
to be interfered with by, you know, Walmart or
whatever. So I read this online. Don't know if
it's true or not. But from the source, I think
it is. But it may not be. So disclaimer there.
So speaking of Walmarts, it reminded me of this
right here. This guy that I used to go out of
town with, Brian, he gave me a really good tip
about Walmart and hotel stays. Okay. This started
in Newark, Delaware. We were working late on
a Sunday evening getting the job complete. We
were headed back home from Philadelphia International
to come home the next day. It was about 60 miles
from Philadelphia International Airport. And
Newark, Delaware is like just up the road a little
bit. It's just outside the Philadelphia metro
area, but it's not that far. It's a college town.
Brian gets a call from the big guy. You know,
we're getting ready to go back to the hotel,
wash up and get up early for our flight. And
he wants us to go to Sanford, Florida the next
morning instead. So we had to book everything
when we arrived in Orlando. So we get to the
job and we had to find the library at University
of Central Florida is where the job was at. We
found the library that we're going to go work
on. So then we go to find a hotel room because
we do that in the morning because we found out
the hard way. Sometimes, if you wait until evening,
there's none available. So we went ahead and,
you know, we booked it. We go by the nearest
Walmart. He said, no, can't book here because
there's a hotel right next to it. We go a few
more miles to another Walmart. He said, okay,
we can book a room here. I look at him. I go,
what the hell are you talking about? He had a
formula. And I'm telling you, anybody that's
out of town and you don't have a room booked,
look for this. It works. He proved it to me.
His formula was. You do not get a hotel room
near a Walmart that has trash in the parking
lot and shopping carts all over. The area is
not a good area. You go to the next nearest Walmart
and you check out the parking lot. So the next
one was all neat and pretty and well kept. We
booked right down the road and it was a nice,
clean, comfortable hotel. And then a few days
later, we found out there's a murder at the hotel
right across from the hotel that we could have
stayed at. So Brian was right. I live by this
when I'm able to. That's a good idea. It is.
I never, ever thought of that, ever. Until he
mentioned that, I'm like, wow, that's true. That
is true. And so we had a great hotel room, and
we didn't go to the scuzzy one down the road.
And it was perfect, you know. And that's the
beauty about us booking our own stuff on a project
like that. It comes out of nowhere. Someone calls
and goes, hey, the installer walked off the job.
And then he's like, oh, shit. The guys are in
Delaware. Oh, they're going to come home tomorrow.
I'll give them a call and see if they'll just
go straight to Orlando from there. And Brian
and I was like, sure. We've already been gone
a long time. What's another couple of days? And
also, Brian was getting ready to go to New Zealand,
so he knew he was coming back in three days anyhow,
so he didn't give a shit. Anyhow, I think that's
pretty much all I got for this part of it because
I have a bunch more stuff, but I'm not getting
into it because we're already 22 minutes into
this. It's time to let Rob talk. Thank you. Yeah.
So, Rob, be my guest. Okay. It's a sad day in
the music world. Oh, no. Yes. Legendary singer
Johnny Mathis. the voice of romance, announced
Wednesday on social media that he is retiring
from live performances. The announcement posted
on his Facebook page comes as the 89 -year -old
is facing issues with his memory and age. I understand
that at age 89. Like not falling on my shoulder.
Yeah. Oh, that's too bad. As many of you already
be aware, Johnny Mathis is approaching his 90th
birthday this year, the post says. So it's with
sincere regret that due to Mr. Mathis' age and
memory issues, which have accelerated, we are
announcing his retirement from touring and live
concerts. I said, I find it amazing, amazing
that he was still touring in 89. Me too. I didn't
know he was. I didn't either. I do have the last
four venues. Okay, cool. Though he is in massive
retirement, fans can still see Mathis during
his Voice of Romance tour and just four final
concerts. I love the name of that tour. I love
the name of that tour, Voice of Romance. He is.
Yeah. Wow, very cool. That's his nickname. Yeah.
Okay. Thursday, April 10th at Lures Performing
Arts Center. in Shippensburg, Pennsylvania. Saturday,
April 26th, at Blue Gate Performing Arts Center
in Shipshawana, Indiana. Saturday, May 10th,
at Luther Burbank Center in Santa Rosa, California.
And his final show, Sunday, May 18th at Burgeon
Performing Arts Center in Englewood, New Jersey.
Nice. That's nice, because that is going to be
a New York gig. Englewood, New Jersey is not
that far. So that should be a sold -out one,
and wow. I had no idea it was still going. I
think all four of these will be sold out. I would
think so. He's retiring, and it may have been
sold out anyhow. I imagine he still has an audience,
although older. Oh, yeah. I like him. I like
him, too. I grew up listening to him. My parents.
Okay, my parents didn't listen to him, but I
knew of him and admired his work. His voice is
so smooth. I mean, he was just so good at that
smooth talk. You know, he was kind of like a
white Marvin Gaye almost. Something like that.
Only different. You know what I mean? Just really
smooth. So, all right. Is that all of that one?
Yeah, that's all of that one. All right. You
want to come back with emails? Oh, you know I
do. Me too. I love email. There's some good ones.
Again, I don't even need to say it anymore. There's
some really good ones. So, we'll be right back.
Yeah, you promised me one. Yes. Yes, I got that.
It's the second one. I got one from Mitch. I'm
done first. Oh, Mitch. I love Mitch. Mitch is
becoming... I mean, I love Ronnie and Tulsi.
He's in the... He's in the, what would you call
it? He's in our Hall of Fame. He's like the Mount
Rushmore of our fans. Mitch is right there. Gosh.
So anyhow, we'll be right back. Yeah. Strange,
but true. Albert Titanic Chadwick was born abroad
the Titanic on April 14, 1912. During its tragic
collision with the iceberg. His mother, in honor
of the catastrophic event, gave him the middle
name, Titanic. Miraculously, Albert survived
the disaster and his life continued beyond the
tragedy. He passed away April 19th, 1983, and
was later buried in Shurston, United Kingdom.
Oh shit, what's that over there? Oh no, it's
the island of horrible jokes. Want to hear a
joke about labor? It's terrible. Why, Whataburger,
you say? Well, because what a deep -fried crispy
chicken nugget just didn't have the right ring.
Hey everybody, this is Uncle Rob. I'm going to
give you some tips for life. This is Uncle Rob's
rules to dick pics. Rule number one. Type of
a pic in someone else's name. So if you get busted,
it's not yours. Rule number two. Shoot angles
complementary to your length and girth. Rule
number four. No propping of the leg. Have you
ever wondered where something came from? Have
you ever looked at something and said, hmm, I
wonder what the origin of that is? Well, so have
we. That's why we give you The Origin of... The
Origin of the Hamburger Bun. The family of Oscar
Willerby claims the first known hamburger on
a bun was served on July 4, 1891 on Grandpa Oscar's
farm. The bun was reportedly a yeast bun. Your
mom is so old. She walked out of the museum and
the alarm went off. No bat light here. These
idiots just show up and hope for the best. Now
it's time for Pickup Lines from a Loser. There's
something wrong with my phone. It doesn't have
your number in it. Hey there, fuckstick. You're
just in time for brand new feature news nobody
gives a shit about. A store in Amsterdam has
a glass -blowing kit. for people that want to
make their own bongs. And I am Rob, and I am
at the beautiful black wall of the Lake of the
Ozarks. Beautiful, Rob. I got it right that time.
You did. All right, getting right into them.
Hey, dudes, I have a place in Clarksville, Arkansas.
You need me to hide the Narcan? I can. Mitch
in Clarksville. Mitch, please, and thank you.
Oh, no, bury it, Mitch. Keep an eye out for Quinn.
Yeah, smack him in the face with a brick, and
then hide the Narcan. Play keep away with the
Narcan. Go, and then run off with it. Oh, yeah.
I imagine I'll probably hear from Clint now.
I haven't heard from him in a couple of weeks,
so now that we're mentioning him, he's going
to get big and bold. You watch. He's probably
on a bender. Yeah, he probably is. He'll be back
someday, maybe. This one's for you, Rob. Like
I said. Yes. Hey, Mark. This is the one I've
been waiting for. I love it. To me, it says everything
perfectly, but I'll let you hear it. Hey Mark,
I hope you read this on the show. Rob is a genius.
He isn't a guy that will recite you world history,
but he is a guy that has a lot of common sense
and wit. I agree completely with what you've
said. Intelligence isn't just book -wise. It's
in fact so much more. I tend to look at intelligence
as quick wit and problem solving. Lord knows
I know many people that you take a book away
from them and they're clueless. Rob, keep up
the good work. And Mark, you know how to showcase
Rob's humor and personality perfect. I will keep
spreading the word here in Indiana. I have three
people I turned on to the show. They all download
the podcast regularly. Thomas in Anderson, Indiana.
I don't know where Anderson is. I don't either.
Wow. Thank you. Thank you. I couldn't have said
it any better. Well, that pretty much describes
me. Yeah. I learn from doing. I don't learn from
reading books. You know? No, I know. Oh, it's
beautiful, Anderson, Indiana. There's a lot of
woods, and I think it is in northern... There's
54 ,788 people at the 20 -20 sentence. I'm looking
at... It's a nice looking town. Okay, cool. I
think it might be near Indianapolis. Hey, they
got a speedway. Oh, cool. Anderson Speedway.
It is 43 miles from Indianapolis. Probably about
Harrisonville or something like that. Or maybe
Kearney. No, probably past Kearney. Seven hours
and two minutes from Kansas. There you go. Thank
you, Thomas. Thank you. Like I said, I couldn't
agree with it. That more. I mean, that was said
perfectly. Thank you. Yeah. Hey, guys, I have
my seven Missouri towns list. I love the way
Mark switched it around to me. Thanks. You know,
he said this list. That's what Mark's good at.
That's what Mark's good at. He sounds a little
disappointed. He's got a good list. He's got
a good list. His number one. Or actually, number
seven is Humansville. I thought that was pretty
solid, Humansville. That's a pretty odd name.
About an hour and 15 minutes from me. That's
what I thought. It's over in central Missouri,
isn't it? Yeah, I got family over close to that
area. Okay. This next one is Shell Knob. We all
know that. That's Table Rock Lake. And I like
that area really good. Nice hills, great lake.
It's a beautiful area. The next one I'd never
heard of before, but I looked it up and he was
right. Bell Fountain Neighbors. It is unincorporated,
but it's a town. Bell Fountain Neighbors. Bell
Fountain Neighbors. It's spelled B -E -L -L -E
-F -O -N -T -A -I -N -E. I believe that's Bell
Fountain. Or, I don't think it's Fontaine, Bellefontaine.
I think it's Bellefontaine Neighbors. But, anyhow,
either way, whatever it is. Fair Play, which
is a good one. I know where that's at, and I
know you know where it's at. I have family down
around there, too. Okay. That's down around the
Pomme de Terre area. Yes. It's just north of
Pomme de Terre, isn't it? Over kind of near Wheatland?
Kind of southwest. Oh, okay. All right. I got
my towns mixed up. The next one, Tightwad, which
we all know about, but I'm glad he put them on
there. His second is Knob Noster, which I get
it. And his first is Swollen Knob Creek. It's
a township. It's unincorporated, but it is recognized
as a town's name. Doesn't have a post office.
Doesn't have a zip code per se. But it would
be like Judon is, you know, Judon, right? That's
not a town, but it's like a township name. Same
thing with a swollen mouth. You gotta know where
Judon is. We do. Yeah. And it's actually taken
from a French name, Judon. It should be pronounced
Judon, but we... Yeah, yeah. Actually, they changed
the barn to an eating venue now. It's kind of
neat. And it's got a big outdoor patio and stuff.
It's kind of neat. Yeah, actually, our old friend
Clint goes out there every now and then. Oh,
that Clint, not the one. Okay, yeah. Big Clint.
Big Clint, yeah. The one that used to work with
us. Yes, I know who you're talking about. Yeah,
okay. Next one. Mark, I'm getting sick of the
same intro to the show. You've had it a long
time. Maybe it's time to freshen that up, Bernie.
You know, we have had the same intro. You know,
live from the city market or whatever. That voice
guy, I don't know how to find him anymore. I
don't even remember his name, honestly. I'd have
to have someone else do the voice. I actually
think I have Chad doing one of an intro. That
I never used. There you go. Bernie, I'm working
on it. It might be a few weeks, but I'll get
to it. But I think that's a good idea. This next
one. I'm sorry, but you guys only provide an
hour and a half of content two times a week.
You think you're close to a regular show on the
radio? Sorry, but that's usually four hours a
day, five days a week. You would need five times
the content you have now per week. Go stuff it.
Trace. Okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's he getting
at? We didn't explain that. We work 40 hours
a week like everybody else. I don't think we
ever said we'd give all that content. We've never
said that. We've never said. No. You know. I
didn't come up with the content. You know, we've
never put ourselves... We don't have the time
because we work for a living, just like everybody
else. Yeah. We have an hour and a half four times
a week. An hour and a half is three hours of
radio, if you want to know the truth. Three hours
of radio equals about an hour and a half of content
because of the commercials. So we have two three
-hour shows. That's better than a lot of them.
And then you mix in the ones with Topher, and
that's another... hour and a half, which should
equal a three -hour show. Yeah, you guys go,
like, three, four hours. Yeah, so, actually,
it equals out to pretty close. With music, creeps,
and... Yeah. So, actually, talking about it,
we're not that far, but we never even claim to
be. Yeah. Yeah, so, we're not that far off, but,
anyhow, I still say this, go listen elsewhere,
and go fuck yourself. That's all I got. Agreed.
Agreed. I don't understand where that came from
at all. We've never said anything like that.
We've always just done our stuff and put it out
there. I don't even know who he's comparing us
to. He never said. Yeah. Oh, well. All right,
Rob, you got something? That's all of them. You
want to go into our list? Yes, that's a good
idea. Okay. For me, coming at number seven is
Blue High. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. Actually, it's south of Branson, and the
north side of town is in Missouri, and the south
side of town is in Arkansas. Yep. Seriously.
These are all towns I've been in, except one.
And I've got to get there now. Knoblick. We'll
get there. We will. Okay, number six. And this
is coming from our home area, Cass County. Hmm.
I never even thought about that. Wow. Peculiar
is a peculiar name. Yes. That's a good one, Rob.
Okay, number five. Licking. Yes. Missouri. Yep,
I've got that. I've got that on mine. You're
right. We did overlap. Good name. Yeah. And number
four is one. North of Kansas City, and it's a
very boonies. And it's called Conception Junction.
Oh my God, I forgot about that one. Yeah. There's
an old monastery, old rundown monastery there.
Yeah, wow. Dude, good call. I used to live up
around there. Okay. Yeah, isn't that... Close
to Troy, Missouri, not Troy, Kansas. I think
somewhere. Oh, well. No, no, no, no, no, no,
no. It's, uh... Oh, you go up through King City.
Oh. Yeah, it's... Okay, I think... Way out in
the boonies on this two. It's actually on a,
like, 90 -degree curve on this two lane. Wow.
I've never been there before, but I know of it.
That's for sure. I've seen it on there. I've
been through it a few times. What is it? A couple
of houses? That and the Rundown Monastery. It's
still there. The last time I was in it was like
2000, 2001. Okay. Okay, coming in at number three.
Uranus. Yep. I -44. Yeah. Is it the east side
of Springfield a little ways? Yeah, yeah. It's
like the Waynesville, St. Robert area. Yeah,
that's what I thought. Okay, cool. Yeah. Fort
Leonard Wood, that area. Yeah. Coming in at number
two, gotta be Tightwad. Tightwad's on, we overlapped
on that one, too. Yep. And, of course, number
one. Mm -hmm. Oblick. Mm -hmm. Oblick's up there
with mine, too. Good one, Ron. We knew those
two would be. Those are great. Yeah, yeah. We
knew Knoblick was going to be on there, definitely.
And maybe Tightwad. All right. Here's my top
seven. Number seven is Bodark. It's pronounced
Bodark. B -O -apostrophe -D -A -R -K. Yep. That
is a pronunciation, but it's spelled. B -O -I
-S -D -A -R -C. Yep. So, that would be French,
I believe. So, Bodark is how you call it here.
And that's how they call it, too, Bodark. I know
where it's at. Yeah, I'm not even sure if that's
how you spell it here, or how you pronounce it
here, but this is what they do there. Like Nevada,
Nevada, that whole thing. Yeah. Number six is
Festus. Over there near St. Louis. There you
go. I've always loved that name. Festus. Oh,
yeah. Gunsmoke, man. Yes. Festus. Yes, I always
think of that whenever I drive through there.
Yeah. That was a lot of our childhood. Yeah.
Yep. Yeah, so I could not ignore Festus. Number
five. It is spelled like this. And I'll tell
you how it's pronounced. H -E -R -C -U -L -A
-N -E -U. It is pronounced Herculean. Herculean,
Missouri. I have never heard of that. Look it
up. H -E -R -C -U -L -A -N -E -U. Herculean.
However they get that from there. Number four.
Halfway. Yes. Yeah, halfway to where? No, I can
answer that. Okay. It's actually halfway between
Bolivar and Buffalo. Oh, is that what it is?
32 highway, yes. Oh, okay. I have family in Bolivar
and I have family in Buffalo. I used to drive
through there all the time. So they just simply
named it halfway. Cool. Yeah. No, it's actually
more like a four -way stop. Okay. A gas station.
Okay. Yeah. Yeah, it's a township. It's a name,
so. Yeah. All right. Number three is good old
tightwad. How could I ignore them? I mean, you
know, how many car parts you get from that? A
lot. And then what are you supposed to find for
Mitch or whatever now? I forgot all. Oh, you
know what? I'll go back and listen. All right.
Yeah. Okay, number two. Well, it wouldn't do
no good because he's not at that damn address.
I know. You'd have to go all the way down to,
where is he at now? Oh, he's in Clarksville now.
You can't go all the way there. Yeah. Yeah. I
mean, I know he has summer homes everywhere else,
and I think his main home is in South Central.
Cass County, was that it? Something like that.
I don't remember. Yeah, we got two or three from
him there. Yeah. I would say that. Yeah, that'd
be his main home. He must be a rich dude, man.
He must be. I know. I want to know what he does
for a living. Wow. Mitch, you're awesome. Let
us know what you do. Yeah, he lives in a travel
camp or one or two. Oh, that could be. Maybe
that's Mitch's secret to where he lives everywhere.
That could be. Number two. What? Keep living.
Yeah. Yeah, Mitch has got it made, man. He's
everywhere. All right. Number two is good old
Knoblick. Of course, they're our new go -to city.
You know, after Montrose let us down, Knoblick
has been there for us, standing like a rock.
And number one, Licking, Missouri. How could
I ignore that? What a name. Yes. Yeah, so there
we go. Those are my seven. So, Rob, you got something
you want to go into? Yeah, I do. All right, be
my guest. A Candace babysitter received a hair
-raising fright Monday night when she came face
-to -face with a grown man hiding underneath
a child's bed as she checked for monsters. Wow.
Yeah. As the woman was putting the children to
sleep just outside the city of Great Bend around
10 .30 p .m. Is that Kansas? Was that Kansas?
Great Bend, Kansas? Yeah, this is in Kansas.
Great Bend, Kansas. Okay. One of the kids complained
about a monster lurking in the room and Barton
County Sheriff's Office said. When the babysitter
tried to show the child there was nothing to
worry about, she made a heart -stopping discovery.
A male suspect identified as 27 -year -old Martin
Villalobos Jr. was under the bed, law enforcement
said. An altercation ensued between Villalobos
and the babysitter. before he ran from the house.
One of the children was knocked over in the commotion.
The following morning, sheriff's deputies spotted
the subject in the area in Rustem after a brief
foot chase. Villalobos once lived at the home,
but was banned from the property because of an
abuse order. His relationship to the children
and the residents of the home was not released
by authorities. He's facing charges of aggravated
kidnapping, aggravated battery, aggravated battery,
child endangerment, and felony obstruction of
law enforcement officers. He is also facing a
violation of the protection order against him.
And is held in custody for a $500 ,000 bail.
I'm glad they got that much on him. Because that
will take $50 ,000 to bail him out. And I'm pretty
sure that loser doesn't have it. What I want
to know is, is he going to pay for this kid's...
I know what you're going to say. Yeah, that's
a good point. Therapy. Yeah. Yeah, that kid's
not going to be able to sleep for a long time.
Yeah. Yeah, but imagine being a babysitter and
finding that. Yeah, I was a babysitter or something,
you know. Just doing the, oh, it's okay, look
down there, there's actually somebody there.
That would freak you out. Yeah. Yeah, it would.
Wow. Let's take our second break, and we'll come
back with more stuff that sound all right. Sounds
good. That's what's going to happen. All aware
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show, Two Dipshits and a Cheap Radio Shack Realistic
Tape Recorder. Harambe does not listen to our
original show, Two Dipshits and a Cheap Radio
Shack Realistic Tape Recorder anymore. You might
ask why Harambe never listens to our original
show, Two Dipshits and a Cheap Radio Shack Realistic
Tape Recorder. Well, it's because Harambe is
dead. Senselessly murdered because some idiot
did not watch her child properly while looking
on her phone. Sadly, Arambe does not listen to
our original show, Two Gibshits and the Cheap
Radio Shack Realistic Dig Recorder, or any other
show. Anymore. Sorry, Arambe. Two douchebags
and microphone in an effort to keep everything
fresh. We offer you... First world problems.
Dammit, the city services website is down again.
I can't believe this. I'm going to have to actually
call and talk to someone to pay my damn trash
bill. This is ridiculous. Now, for a limited
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how to booty clap with the best. Rob. Rob. Knob
Lake is an unincorporated community in southern
St. Francis County, Missouri, United States.
It is located on Missouri Route DD, just east
of U .S. Route 67, approximately 8 miles south
of Farmington, Missouri. Knob Lick has a post
office with the zip code 63651, which has been
in operation since 1870. The community takes
its name from nearby Knob Lick Mountain. In the
Ozarks, Knob typically refers to an isolated
summit, and Wick is a natural salt lick or salt
spring. The mountain runs across U .S. 67. Approximately
80 acres of the summit are protected by the Missouri
Department of Conservation. A gravel road leads
to the conservation area, which includes a granite
clade. picnic facilities, and a closed -fire
lookout tower. 147 was the population reported
in 2020. And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark. So,
if I have a glass of ice water, and the ice melts
into the water, is my water then watered down?
Hmm. I may never know. The City Division Chapter
of the Deucebags. Hello? Are y 'all mute, Rob?
Hmm. We seem to have an issue here. Okay, here
I am. All right, cool. I have some ass paddlings.
Oh, hell yeah. Yeah, there's only nine of them.
We usually do ten, but you know what? I'm in
an ass paddling mood. What about you? Oh, you
know I do. Okay. Number one ass paddling we have
on the agenda for tonight, but let me go into
the story here real quick. Topher and I were
on vacation in Florida. We were walking down
the beach, and the sun was rising. The sun was
glistening off our hair, and it was blowing softly
in the wind, blowing our hair back. And despite
what Rob and the Duke says, his brother. Two
men can have a tender moment without holding
hands, but they say we're holding hands, which
is complete bullshit. We were not. We were just
having a tender moment until I stubbed my toe
on this bottle. And I'm like, oh, shit. Oh, damn,
damn, damn. Topher goes, looks like a genie bottle.
No such thing. And then I walk over to it. I
go, hey, that's a genie's bottle. And he's like,
no shit. So I pop open the cork. Genie pops out.
And Topher and I are like, we get three wishes.
He goes, no, no, no. You guys watch too much
TV. One wish. One wish only. So make it count,
guys. Make it good. End cancer. End childhood
hunger. Something. For please, God's sakes. Topher
and I looked at each other and go, we want to
ass paddle people naked. So the genie, very reluctantly,
rolling his eyes, said, very well, I have to
give you your wish. So, once a month. Topher
and I, and by special admittance by the genie,
he gave you special permission for Rob to be
invisible and do this with us. So it's us three,
and we all get to paddle these people. So number
one on my list is Amazon's podcast. They were
trying to charge me for our own fucking podcast.
They're trying to charge me for it. I'm like,
no, I'll go to another service. I'll go to another
service. But anyhow, it just turns out I was
logged out. But it still caught me by surprise.
So I guess you have to be a Prime member to access
the podcast, which I didn't know before. So you
got any words on that, Rob? You think they deserve
it? nothing about it. Okay. Well, that's the
way I feel. Trying to charge us for our own podcast?
Nope. Number two. Odyssey Radio for Boot and
Johnny Dare. Would you agree with that? Highly.
Even though we're on their podcast and we never
turned them in and thank you. Odyssey, thank
you very much. That just might keep you out of
the Hall of Fame. Yes, it does. It keeps him
out of the Hall of Fame. By having us on the
podcast. Yes. And I talked to a guy at work that
does a podcast, too. Well, you know, it's one
of your favorite ones, the Conspiracy Theory.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, I asked him about it. He
had no idea. He's like, I'm not sure how that
happened, either. But whoever did it, thank you.
Put us on some other ones, too, please. Again,
Odyssey gets it again for keeping Laszlo. But
then again, they are out of the Hall of Fame
because they have us on their podcast list. I
don't listen, so... Okay. Clint in Clarksville
gets straight to the Hall of Fame in a big and
ball bite to boot. Is that a win agreement? There
you go, Clint. You're famous. You're famous.
I'll hold him. And also... You get to have all
the fun. I'll hold him. Okay, cool. And Mitch
is also going to hide all the Narcan, so you
may not even be alive. Yeah, I mean, we may be
trying to paddle your corpse at this point. I'm
really liking Mitch at this point. Mitch is awesome.
We got a sidekick. Yeah, I know. He's always
got something to say. Putting his little jab
in here and there. He's awesome. Next one. Gene
Simmons for all the things I've been mentioning
over the last month. Hey, man. Maybe we'll paddle
some of that gut off of him. I'm getting tired
of hearing you talk about it. You know what?
That's all I'm going to do. The $12 ,000 to haul
his stuff around. Don't get me wrong. I loved
kids back in the day. I'm a huge Kiss fan, but
it's the old Kiss. Yeah. Charging someone to
haul around your equipment. Charging someone
to haul around your equipment all day. Well,
since he canceled his tour, is this still going
to happen? Evidently not. I guess not. Next one,
Poison Ivy. Poison Ivy gets an ass paddling.
And as soon as I got those bumps on me, I knew
it was getting ass paddling. I'm like, all right,
you bastard. You're going ass paddling. And it
might be on the Hall of Fame. If I get it one
more time or if you get it, it's going to the
Hall of Fame. So, Poison Ivy, you've been warned.
Amen. Amen. Yep. The next one is a little political,
but I don't give a shit how you feel about the
subject. But here's what I'm saying. The idiots
that are damaging Teslas, you're not hurting
Elon. You're actually helping him. Now they have
to buy another car. You guys are fucking dumbasses.
You really want to hurt Elon? Don't touch his
cars. That way people don't have to buy another
one. Ridiculous. All right. And... The next one
is the so -called activist that caught himself
on fire trying to blow up a Tesla. Have you seen
that? Yes. Yeah. Good job, idiot. Good job. There
was another gal that, it was in Colorado, and
she went, dropped off some stuff to do the job.
Oh, cool. Oh, my God. Jeez. I know, Rob. That's
what I'm doing, too. It's like, you guys want
to hurt this guy? and you're making people buy
another one of his cars, that's insane. So, okay,
and the last ass paddling that I have is actually
Tesla. So, see, I'm being fair and balanced here.
Tesla of state line, approximately 103rd and
state line in Kansas City, got vandalized. And
they're getting an ass paddling because they
didn't have cameras. Are you serious? I'm serious.
If what I read says... Tesla and state line in
Kansas City did not have cameras. According to
the article I read, they do not, and they don't
have any subject that they did it because of
that. That's what busted everybody else. I know.
Whoever did it's not getting busted so far unless
someone saw them. You know, so, yeah. I was like,
what? No cameras? Unless they said that because
the investigation's going on, but I don't think,
I don't know why you would say that. Supposedly,
there's no cameras. Okay, okay. I understand
that. Uh -huh. If there is an investigation,
they don't want to give out their evidence. Okay,
here's my deal with Tesla. At 130. If that is
found out, I'm redacting it. I'm retaking it.
I'll take it back and I will apologize profusely.
We will rub the paint out. Yes, we'll rub the
paint out where we gave you an ass paddling.
How about a Whitman sampler? Sound in order?
Yeah. Okay. And this is if you guys have cameras.
Oh, no, no. Hey, hey. How about a steak burger
at Jess and Jeff's? There we go. All right. That
is really saying you're sorry. That is really
saying you're sorry. So. Bacon, bacon, bacon
steak burger. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Oh, man. You just
said it all. A bacon steak burger. So there you
go. All right. You got something, Rob? Yeah.
Be my guest. Okay. A man is being accused of
putting super glue in his co -worker's soda while
working at a Wisconsin State Fair park. Go on.
Sounds like some shit we do to each other. You
made me smile. According to a criminal complaint
obtained by people from the Milwaukee County
District Attorney's Office on Friday, March 28,
Joseph Ross placed a substance in liquid edibles
with the intent to cause bodily harm to another
person on March 20. After the complaint, the
victim, whose name is listed as J .H., reported
the incident to police during a foot patrol at
Wisconsin State Fairfax Expedition Center on
that same day. During the conversation, J .H.
told the officers that approximately two to three
weeks ago, J .H. suspected that her Her desk
had been contaminated by a chemical substance.
She realized there had been contamination due
to the strong chemical smell and taste. J .H.
stated that upon consumption of those beverages,
she became ill, according to the complaint, which
claimed that the victim did not consent to anyone
putting anything into her drink. Wow. And it
is super glue in there. And she was drinking?
Oh, that's some of the worst stuff around. That
gorilla glue. And it didn't kill her? No, it
just made her ill, but she got better. Wow. But
there were reports from other people saying the
same thing. Kind of like the dude that pissed
in the bottle. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it
was, uh, yeah. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Rob. I'm
supposed to tell the pissing in the soda can
story. Actually, I have that right here in front
of me. Okay. I was going to remind you here in
just a few minutes. Oh, go ahead with what you
had to do there. It just reminded me when you
said it was like the pissing in the soda, or
pissing in the bottle. Oh, no, that's what I
was going to say. Oh, okay. bottles. Oh, no,
no. I knew that. Yeah, I knew that. I was just
saying. Don't hear pissing in a can story. Okay.
Alright. Someone wanted to hear it and I forgot
who it was. I apologize. It was an email. Like
I said, I haven't looked at it. And the last
one we were running over so bad that it's like
we really can't do it this one. So, I promised
it. We're making a little bit better time tonight.
So, here we go. A long time ago, my best friend
Davey, his house used to be the party house during
the summer. His parents would go to Truman Reservoir
and stay there all summer long, which meant that
Davey's house was open. We had some pretty good
parties there. We had some pretty good parties
there, didn't we? Yes, we did. Cracking people
with jack bottles in the balls while they're
sleeping and all kinds of stuff. Oh my gosh.
We would shave off their eyebrows and give them
mascara and send them on to work 10 minutes before
they're supposed to be there so they go in there
and not know. All different kinds of stuff. But
one of the evilest, cruelest things we did was
this right here. Rob knew this. I knew it. Everybody
that hung around Davey for any extended period
of time knew this. There's two refrigerators
in Davey's house. There's one in the kitchen
and one in the back room. Oh, that story. Okay.
What were you thinking? I didn't know. I thought
it was a different story, but no. Okay, yeah,
I know this one. I think. Do you think she meant
something else or he? No, this has got to be
it. Okay. That's the only story I remember about
fishing in a can. Okay, yeah. Okay, I think this
is what they meant. Was she around the side of
the 7 -Eleven or something? No, as far as I know,
this is the one she wanted. I think it was a
she, but I'm not for sure. So, if you're not
a she, I apologize. I have my memory. So, the
back fridge was full of the good soda pops, and
the front in the kitchen, the fridge in the kitchen,
was full of soda pops that had piss in them.
What we'd do is we'd slam like Welch's grapes,
we'd slam like a Coke, we'd slam, I don't know,
an orange or something, and we'd piss in the
bottles, or not in the bottles, but in the cans,
and we'd put them back in the fridge. So whenever
any one of us that knew about it, we would go
get a good soda from back, and so people wake
up hungover, and they're looking for any type
of caffeine or anything they can drink to make
them feel better, some sugar in their body, whatever.
The first thing they'd do is they'd start rummaging
through the refrigerator, and they'd grab one
of these cans, and they would slam it, and we
would hear, because I used to sleep in the garage.
Davey used to sleep in the hallway closet up
on the very top. He had a little shelf there
that he slept in, so no one could catch him,
and no one could catch us. As soon as I heard
the screams, that was my cue to get the fuck
out of there. I'd run up to my house. Me, I just
pulled up a piece of floor. And whenever you
heard that, you knew nothing about it. What?
What do you mean someone pissed in a can? Oh,
bullshit. So we got many a people with that trick
because they would wake up and their head would
hurt, their head would be pounding, they drank
everything the night before, and they'd run to
the kitchen fridge, not knowing there was a back
fridge full of good sodas. They would go to the
kitchen fridge, and they would grab one of those
sodas there and slam it, and every time they'd
scream because it was piss. So, whoever you were,
there's that story again. Thank you for asking.
I'd forgotten about it for a while. Hey, Mark,
can we take a quick break? Yeah, sure. All right,
let's take a quick break. Okay, no problem. Hi,
y 'all. This is Chicago. I am the most dangerous
city in North America. You can't touch me. Oh,
yeah? This is Kansas City here. Hold my beer,
bitch. You watch the news. It looks grim. Is
an apocalypse inevitable? We suggest you download
all our podcasts beforehand and have multiple
mobile chargers. We have the post -apocalypse.
Learn your soils. You will need drinking and
bath water. You must build a reservoir. The key
to hold water in the ground are the clays you
have at its base. Research water purification
methods, and wild game will attract to the water
as well. Strange, but true. A 9 ,000 -year -old
skeleton was found in a cave in Cheddar, England.
and was nicknamed Cheddar Man. His DNA was tested
and it was concluded that a living relative was
teaching history one half mile away, linking
back 300 generations. All right, Rob, you got
something you want to go into? Yes, I do want
to go there. Oh. Do you know how old the oldest
dog in history was? 23? No. I don't know then.
Okay, okay. Dogs have been our beloved today.
And we all wish they could live forever. While
most dogs live between 10 to 13 years, some have
pushed the boundary even further, shattering
records for the oldest dog alive. This record
is currently held by Bluey. Not to be confused
with the popular Australian Kids Show and Australian
Cattle Dog. Okay. Gal dogs are smaller with a
lifespan of about 12 to 16 years. Louie shattered
these records by living an astonishing 29 years
and 5 months. Wow, almost 30 years. Yes. Born
in 1910. An active lifestyle, nutrition, diet,
and genetic factors may have contributed to his
extraordinary longevity. For nearly a century,
Bowie held the Guinness World Record as the oldest
verified dog in history. However, in 2023, another
dog Portuguese. Water dog. Oh, my God, no. Referio
dough. Babble snatch. Babble snatch. Yeah, babble
snatch. A Portuguese babble snatch. Portuguese
babble snatch. There we go. There we go. Briefly,
as experts question the validity of Bobby's reported
age, Guinness eventually revoked Bobby. Longest
living dog. Longest living dog. Wow, 30 years.
And just so you know, tomorrow night, I'll have
the longest living cat. How's that? That sounds
great. I'm all about that. That sounds good.
I like pets living longer. Yes. I like that a
lot. You want to keep going? Or maybe a little
bit longer. Okay. Let me see which one would
be the best here to go into. Okay. The ten things
that millionaires say all those commoners waste
money on. Okay. I don't agree with some of these
and I'll explain why. Number one. bulk grocery
shopping that ends up in the trash buying in
bulk can save you money but if if you actually
eat everything you buy but let's be real how
many times have you bought a mega pack of spinach
only to throw half of it away a week later you're
not getting a deal if you toss half of it what
you paid for down the garbage okay here's the
key to that if you're a family of three and right
next to you is a family of four You both go in
and you buy a Costco card or a Sam's card, and
you both go in on the mega packs and you split
them up. That's how you do it. You don't waste
the stuff like that. You're splitting them up.
They have four people. You have three. You see?
So you divide them up equally, half and half.
They get theirs. You get yours. And you split
the membership up, too, between two. So not only
do you get a membership half the price, but you
get half the stuff in a bulk pack. which is more
manageable for you to handle. They don't say
that there, but that is how you do it. Okay,
number two, decorative household items for every
season. I understand the impulse to go to TJ
Maxx and buy a different wreath and a set of
decorative pillows every holiday. Actually, I
don't. This is what the article said, but I don't
give a shit about any of that. But instead of
spending on the decorations that will be outdated
soon, try to invest in timeless, high -quality
home essentials and switch things up with small,
inexpensive accents like candles or flowers.
So, number three, children's toys. I think that's
safe to say, don't you? Yeah, definitely. Most
kids play with a box more than the toy itself.
I agree with that 100%. I used to play with a
fork more than I did the play gun. I've seen
parents spend hundreds, sometimes thousands,
for toys for their kids that they lose interest
in within weeks. But then again, you get peer
pressure from the child, too. Everybody else
has one. They have to have one, right, Rob? Yep.
Yeah. And you're a bad parent if you don't. But
I mean, you know, a lot of people don't subscribe
to that, but it is real. So, number four, shoes
that are bad for your feet. People buy for the
looks, but not for the comfort and your feet
health, your overall feet health. Most of the
really good looking shoes. Yeah, most of the
really good looking shoes are very uncomfortable
and they hurt your feet. It's true. I mean, if
I, if I wear Nikes. They have to be the ugly
ones to be comfortable because the sporty ones,
they don't care about comfort. They know people
buy them just to, you know. Someone goes up,
hey, is that the newest Nike or Adidas or whatever?
It's a status thing more than anything else.
So you're hurting your feet and you're spending
a lot of money on the status that probably nobody
really gives a shit about. What would you think,
Rob? Yeah, I agree 100%. All right, cool. Number
five, high -end skincare products. The beauty
industry convinces people they need a 12 -step
routine with $80 serums. When most of it is marketing
hype, I would agree with that. Stick to simple
dermatologist -approved products that actually
work. Your skin and your wallet will thank you.
And then, finally, number six, overpriced athleisure.
My $15 warehouse leggings and free t -shirts
are just as good as the $100 linoleum. No, lululemon
ones. People love to justify expensive activewear.
It does look like linoleum at first. Lululemon.
So the $100 lululemon ones. People have to justify
expensive activewear by saying it motivates them
to work out. But wearing a fancy outfit doesn't.
doesn't do the push -ups for you which we all
know ironically i found i have better workouts
when i wear less expensive clothing because they
tend to breathe better since they're often looser
and made of natural fiber than shiny material
buy workout gear for the function not fashion
focus on quality and comfort over brad names
and this is what the ultra wealthy say that the
people that aren't wealthy and one of the reasons
why they're not wealthy So, you know, I think
I'd have to agree with them on most of it. But
the bulk shopping, no, no, I told you how to
do it. That's a formula. You go with your friends
or whatever and you split the packs. If you only
have three people in your family or two, you
find another family that has a lot of people
in there and you split the packs up. That way
you don't waste everything. You get to that spinach.
You get to that chicken. You get to all that
stuff. That's the way it's done. So, Rob, you
got anything? Yeah, I do. You know how I've been
following the story about Selena Perez's killer?
Yeah, yes. The Mexican singer Selena, they made
the movie out of and all that. This is quite
a few years ago. Yeah, back in, actually March
31st, 1995. Okay. I have an update. Okay. I was
talking about how she was trying to get parole.
Yes. I have an update. All right, good. She wanted
parole because she feared for her life. She didn't
think about the people on the outside that would
want to kill her. Yeah, you and I were right
on on that. People would... I agree. Well, the
woman who barely shot singer Selena Rez was denied
parole days before the 30th anniversary of the
Tejino Music Superstar's death. They denied her
parole. Wow. Good. Good. Yolanda Salvador. Now
64, has spent three decades in prison after her
conviction for first -degree murder. Salvador
shot the singer in the back at a Days Inn hotel
in Corpus Christi, Texas, on March 31, 1995,
after Perez accused her of embezzling money.
Yeah. Yep. I'm sure everybody pretty much knows
the story. Yeah, I mean, it's a very famous case.
If not, look it up. Yeah, look it up. Google
it. All right. All right. Thank you, Rob. Thanks
for that update. Want to add anything else, or
you want to just go ahead and call it good? That's
all. That's all I got for tonight, buddy. All
right, well, we will be back at it tomorrow night,
and we're planning another podcast. So, anyhow,
thank you all for listening. Have a good night,
assholes. Good night, assholes. Okay, my computer
went off. Oh, no. Looks like the show's over,
kids. Mark has explosive diarrhea and can't afford
a wireless mic. Fear not, assholes. They'll be
back invading your ear holes soon.