Hey, guess what? You just landed on the sports
bastards. Sorry about your luck. Sports bastards.
Two douchebags with a microphone invade your
ear holes in. Hey, who took a dump in the cooler?
And see what kind of response we're getting.
I can turn the gain up just a hair. All righty.
Are we recording yet? Yeah. Okay, this is the
sports bastards. Hi, everyone. Hi. It's been
a couple of weeks, but we had a series of events.
Topher had a huge migraine the first week. Oh,
yeah. Second week, I had a separated shoulder
on St. Patty's Day. Not a lot of fun. And I know
your migraines are not a lot of fun. No, no.
Yeah, you look like fried shit, no offense. Yeah,
I usually do. Oh my God, he'd come out of the
house sweating, look like fried shit, and I'm
like... You're thinking, don't get in my car.
Yes, yes, but then when he said it was a migraine,
I'm like, oh, okay. Yeah. And then I said I was
throwing up, and you're like, yeah, don't get
in my car. Yeah. Yeah, so that's what happened.
My separated shoulder, I couldn't even really
get to you until I started feeling better. I
mean, I was just fucking on. And I'm pretty sure
Cindy told you anyhow, didn't she? Yeah. I was
all percoceted up. All bad, yeah. My mom dislocated
her shoulder once after a ski trip. She did fine
on the slopes, and then when she was walking
to her car, she slipped on ice and dislocated
her shoulder. Sounds like something I'd do. I'd
be like, oh, oh, did you have a mishap on the
slope? That's probably what you told everyone.
Yeah, yeah, I would have. I'd be like, yeah,
I went down the... The black diamond slope. Yeah,
yeah, I went down the pro one. I did really good,
but this guy swoped in front of me, and I had
to get out of his way. By that time, everyone
knew I was lying. Okay, Mark, what really happened?
Separated or dislocated shoulders, those hurt
like hell. Yes, they do. Just hurt like hell.
You know they have to put you out for like five
minutes to do it, to put it back in. And it's
funny because this happened to me last time,
too. I have like a tolerance. They probably think
I'm a drug addict. I have a tolerance to... The
propethol or whatever they use. Oh, yeah. Or
fentanyl or whatever it is. Whatever they use,
I have a tolerance to, and they have to up it
and up it and up it. I'm usually that way at
the dentist. Yeah, I'm at the dentist like that,
too. It's like sticking me three or four times.
You're still not numb? And then he comes and
he starts working. He's like, ah, I felt that.
I felt that. Because they were sure. Yeah. Oh,
no, this is to an elephant. And then you're like,
well. It didn't do it for me, so keep it going.
Keep the juice coming. So, hey, I guess I keep
talking, but I don't remember it. And they're
like, I was blabbering about the weather and
shit, and they're all like, look, they're looking
at Val going, how much is this going to take?
It's always like this. Always like this. I'm
like, yeah, I hear we're going to have a good
stretch of weather coming up. I was out, but
I kept talking. Yeah, I do that too, I think.
I've been told later I've said some weird things
under anesthesia. Yeah, wouldn't that be funny
if you said all this shit that wasn't true? Like,
I killed three people. I like to wear dresses.
You know, just all this shit. Here's what really
happened in November of 63 in Dallas. Yeah, aren't
we due a report on that? Some more information
has come out that declassified a bunch of stuff
and shown that the CIA are, of course, liars.
We knew the CIA were liars, but they've been
lying for decades about Lee Harvey Oswald that
they had no clue, wasn't on their radar. Yeah,
they were following him for a long time. They
were following him for a long time. And they
knew everything. They just weren't sharing that
information with anybody. People are going to
firebomb the perch now. Yeah, did you know the...
The CIA did not even inform the Secret Service
that Oswald wanted to kill the president and
that he was in Dallas that day. Yes. They didn't
tell the Secret Service. Yes. Make of that what
you will. And also there's rumors that Kennedy
knew it. He knew he was a dead man walking. Yeah,
at the very least he knew that there were a lot
of death threats and it was possible he could
get assassinated. And he knew it was possible
by his own people he could get assassinated.
Yeah. Yeah, so what do you do when you know you're
a dead man walking? You have orgies and do cocaine.
Yeah. Well, no different than anybody else. Yeah,
or fly to Greece and get Greek citizenship. Tom
Hanks. Forrest Gump would do that? Well, I don't
know. Let's see. He was redacted off the list,
supposedly. I mean, all this is allegedly. We
don't know. Well, he did have a page up on Instagram,
and over 30 ,000 people logged onto his page
to call him a pedophile. And he had to take his
page down. Well, I'm Tom Hanks. That cannot happen
to me. Someone go kill those people right now.
I've spent way too much money on PR convincing
everyone I'm a nice guy. I want my money back
from my PR people. This is bullshit. Yeah. Look,
I mean, someone that would scrub that Buffy and
whatever, bosom buddies, from their list of...
TV that they've done, shows that they've done.
He wants to pretend he's never did that and it
doesn't exist. Yeah, because he had to wear a
dress and act like a woman. It's called Bosom
Buddies and it was in the 70s or early 80s. It
was early 80s. Two guys who couldn't get an apartment
anywhere else. So they find a building that only
rents to women. So they pretend to be women so
they can live there. I think that's a hate crime.
It's absolutely inappropriate. Yeah. You know,
whoever did that, we need to firebomb them. Yeah.
Yeah, find out who did that. Allegedly joking.
I don't see any difference in that as opposed
to a show about white guys going in blackface
to get into a historically black college. Oh,
hang on, hang on, hang on. I don't see any difference
between that and Buzz and Buddies. I really don't.
Nope. It's just how we, the feeling of the country
at the time, or whatever, whoever has profited
anything, really. Anyone that could find money
somewhere, that's what they're pushing. I just
think it's interesting that you look at the cartoons
of the 30s and 40s, and what you see a lot of
in those cartoons are cross -dressing and blackface.
Yeah. And now cross -dressing is still considered
funny, but we wised up about blackface. Yeah,
yeah, yeah. And that's a good way of putting
it, too, because we don't support it. We're pointing
it out. Yeah. And a lot of times shows, cartoons
of that era will have a disclaimer. About the
ethnic stereotypes, but not about the gay stereotypes
or the cross -dressing stereotypes. Until like
five years ago, maybe 2020. Yeah. They used to
have the large black woman beating Tom with a
broom. Yes. And the voice was so stereotypical.
Uh -huh. You know, I'm not even going to portray
it at all. It was the, I think in the 40s and
50s, it became really popular on television to
have the quote -unquote black mammy type who
was overweight, single, snarky, and had a sarcastic
attitude, but everyone treated her like she was
totally lovable. And if you'll notice... Everyone
treated that woman like a pet, not a human, a
pet. I would agree 100 % because I remember as
a child thinking, why are they doing that? She's
obviously got to be bothered by it. How about
treat them like a human being, which they are.
Yeah, the shows of the 50s. All those happy,
fun sitcoms from the 50s and 60s. You can understand
why people of color look at those and go, yeah,
that wasn't a fun time for us, man. Yeah, yeah.
And let me tell you another thing is the person
that doesn't realize that it's happening is the
problem. They're like, well, I don't know. It
looks just like a regular to me. Well, okay.
How about if you were them? But you know what?
This is a sports program. Oh, yeah, that's right.
Okay. I'm going to go through a few signings
here. Yeah, let me see if I got them too. Oh,
you got some too. The number one one I want to
go into is Nick Bolton. Yeah. I love it because
the media had him in Denver uniform. Yeah, they
really did. They had him in a Broncos uniform.
They could not wait for him to go there. It's
kind of comforting to know that the media gets
it wrong. It is. They don't always know what's
going on. We traded Joe Tooney to get this extra
money on the cap. And it sucked because Tooney
is such a good player. I mean, how many Super
Bowls does that guy have? Fucking 30? I don't
know. He has a lot. He should be first ballot
hall of famer. I would say, yeah. It sucks that
we had to let him go. Chicago wanted him. Understandably,
they need someone reliable to protect Caleb Williams,
their investment. Yeah. And, you know, I like
Caleb Williams as a player so much that I'm glad
that he's got someone to help protect him. Because
I want him to succeed. I think he's going to
be so fun to watch. Yeah, the biggest problem
is Caleb Williams would not take chances, which
was a smart thing to do. Yeah. Because he was
not getting protection. Yeah. So he wasn't throwing
a lot of yards. He was just getting rid of the
ball because he didn't want to get murdered,
and he did get murdered a lot. And if Chicago's
management is smart enough to realize that, then
they're taking the right steps. We hope so, but,
you know, it is Chicago. Please, Chicago, do
not give up on Caleb Williams, or if you do,
trade him somewhere where he's got a chance to
develop into the quarterback that we all want
to watch. I'm still with your rule. I'm still
with your new rule that you want to do. If you're
a known quarterback killer, you don't get first
pick quarterback. You have to go for somebody
else. It's like, wait a minute, until you can
prove you can nurture and bring a quarterback
up, we're not going to let you ruin their career.
Yeah, yeah. I mean, Mahomes, if he went to Chicago,
I don't know if he would have done that good
either. No. He had nobody to throw to. No. Think
of the first part of last season. Oh, gosh. Yeah,
I mean, he looked horrendous. Yeah, and Chicago's,
I don't know what about the organization, but
there seems to be some give up. in that organization
somewhere. It's a mindset. When things get to
the point where, you know, it's going to be a
really hard struggle even to make the playoffs,
they just give up. Playoffs. Yeah. And, okay,
they need to have the makeover, like you were
talking about, like DeBarlo did over in the 49ers.
Yeah. He came in and said, no, everything's first
class from now on. Yeah. And because that's what
we are. And then he hired Bill Walsh, and I forgot
the – I forgot the manager's name. Yeah, the
general manager. Anyhow, all of them, you know,
he went out and just cleaned the house. Yep.
And he started over. And then, I mean, the rest
is history. I mean, between Montana and Young
and Rice and all those guys. And it didn't last,
but it was worth it for the time it did. Yeah,
yeah, it was. So, Nick Bolton. Great idea. I'm
glad they figured it out. And, you know, I noticed
last year Nick is getting a lot better at the
pass garbage. Yes, he is. Which was the knock
on him up until recently. But he's getting better.
The Chiefs are such a smart organization. They're
like, we're not going to train this guy and someone
use him against us. We're getting him back. Yeah.
And they did all the training. They put up with
all the miscues. And Nick Bolton is one of the
best linebackers. He might be a Hall of Famer,
actually. And he's young. And he's young. He's
so young. That's so awesome that he's young.
But now he does pass coverage, too. Yeah. So
you can put him in any package you want, and
he's going to be reliable. That is such an advantage,
too. And he's a decent blocker. Yeah. So whatever
you need him for, he's there. Yep. He helped
us win a lot of games over the years. And if
you don't believe me, then just look up the highlights
of the big plays that he's done. Oh, yeah. The
stuff that he stopped in the middle. The stuff
that he's figured out. Like the... Like the fake
punt. He's the one that yelled at everybody.
It was a playoff game. Yeah, I'm trying to remember
that. But, yeah, he was out there telling everybody.
Yeah, he was screaming, this is a fake. I've
seen this. This is a fake. And about that time,
they already kicked the ball, and they're all
like, oh, shit, they know. No one was smart enough
on the sideline to call a timeout. They did it
anyhow. So, anyhow. He's done a lot of stuff
like that. He's instrumental in the blocking
of the punts. I've seen him push people up to
get them higher to where they can hit the ball.
And you can do that on defense. Yes. Like the
tush push on offense. Yeah, Green Bay's trying
to get that outlawed. Have you heard their version
of the rule? Okay, I kind of agree with him because
of the injury factor. And also another thing
is, You take your biggest guys and put them up
there is what you do. And if you do that in other
situations, it's illegal. Yeah. You see? So I
kind of get it. But then again, it makes for
exciting football. Yeah. If you stop the tush
push and if your defense does that, that is on
ESPN for three weeks. Well, here's what I'd like
to see the team do. Like the Chiefs did against
Buffalo. Yeah. But everybody's like, oh, they
cheated. They jumped the snap. Get better, dickheads.
Yeah. Get better. Here's what I'm expecting a
team to do. They're going to go out and sign
somebody who's about five feet tall and weighs
75 pounds. Uh -huh. And he's going to get under
center, or she, or whatever. Ball is snapped,
and then three people are going to grab that
person and throw him over the line of scrimmage.
I can't wait for that. Oh, I want a little person.
Yes. I want them to hire a little person. So
be dwarf tossing. And every time you hear the
Oompa Loompa song when he comes out on the field.
And you know what? If the NFL could make enough
money off that, they'd put it in tomorrow. Yes,
they would. Because the only thing the NFL cares
about is what makes us money. That's what we'll
do next. Find five burly midges. Or can you call
them that anymore? No, little people. Little
people. Yes. Find five little people and hire
them right now. I want one as a commentator.
I want one for the little people commentator,
too. And if you can throw that person. four yards
or more, that will be your every down play. A
human shot put? Yeah. I mean, why wouldn't you
call that every play? Just throw him ahead four
yards. Have a lineman grab him and just toss
him. Or just pick him up and carry him. Yeah.
You know, if a teammate can push you over the
line, why can't a teammate pick you up and carry
you over the line? If you're fourth and one,
you hold him in the air. Oh, no, no, no. He's
a little person. His arm reach wouldn't be good
enough. No. You'd have to move a little bit.
I was going to say. You know, a regular -sized
person, they just extend their hands out with
a ball. Well, see, that's where you hire a player
who's like eight feet tall and has four -foot
arms. They snap the ball, stand up, and extend
their arms ahead. It's already over the line.
Guys, stop. I'm already there. Yep. Oh, okay,
sorry. And it's interesting, so many of the rules
of the NFL. are designed to keep teams from exploiting
the rules just like that. Yes, and you would
find something after that. You would find a counter
to that immediately next season. I just find
this really interesting to see how many rules
are in there because teams cheat. Yes. That's
why the rules that, you know, we think, oh, the
NFL is so great. No, teams are cheating constantly,
and that's why new rules are being made constantly.
And this is why I think the tush push is probably
going to get eventually outlawed. Eventually.
I really don't think this year. Not this year,
but it's coming. And whether you agree with it
or not, me, I'm mixed. I see some points, and
I see some exciting football. I think the tipping
point will be when the fans decide they don't
like it anymore. That's when the NFL will decide
they don't want it anymore. Key people get injured.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because they're going to
have 18 games, and that's going to add to it,
too. And they've got to disguise that somehow.
Yeah. All right. The Chiefs re -sign Hollywood
Brown. Yeah, that surprised me. Me too, because
everybody had him in a Bill's uniform. Yeah.
Oh, they could not wait. Oh, yeah, him and Josh
Allen have been talking every night. Oh, well.
Maybe they were just exchanging kale recipes.
I think so. I think so. They're like, Josh, don't
tell anyone, but you know what? What? I put cheese
on my kale. What? Before or after you put it
in the trash? After. Yeah. I melt it. I wrap
my kale in four layers of plastic trash bags.
That way the garbage man won't refuse to take
it. I hear that any man, if he consumes too much
kale, he starts off in life. Yep. Yep. Yep. Pretty
much. Yep. Yep. From his nose. From his nose.
Yeah. But, I mean, I'm still buying my first
statement about kale is this right here. It was
designed as a joke, and it started working. They're
like, hey, guys, check this out. I'm coming up
with this new stuff. What are you going to call
it? Kale. Ooh, that even sounds gross. Yeah,
and it's just going to be a pile of shit, okay?
And I'm going to label it as the most exciting,
tasty, healthy treat ever. And it's going to
sell millions in the first year, and that is
until someone comes up with sexier, something
sexier. And actually, I think kale's out now,
isn't it? Yeah, I hardly ever hear about it anymore.
What is it now? Let's see, it's quinoa with kale.
I think now it might be like something chickpea
-based. Yeah, for a while it was all about the
omega -3 fatty acids. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That
was the sexy new ingredient to have. See what
I have here? This cup of lard? It's a cup of
omega -3 fatty acids. You know, it's best to
recognize that for what it is. It's processed
food is trying to get us to buy the next thing
that they have too much of. Yeah, yeah. Yeah,
I mean, that's how come MedTech has sold so well
for so long. Do you remember when the fashion
industry went back when people used to pay attention
to it? They would declare a color of the year
in the spring. It's like, here's the color of
the upcoming season. And then someone did some
research and found out the way they picked that
color is they pulled the market. internationally
and determined what was the cheapest fabric dye
they could get. And then that was the color.
That was the color. Yep. Because it was all about
economics, but they presented it, oh, we've decided
this is the color because of the, yeah, because
it was cheapest for them. Yeah. That's the way
things have always been, and it's encouraging
to see people starting to see past the bullshit
and propaganda. Yeah, I agree. Because the ones
who don't, they're dangerous. I try to stay away
from them. To me, it looks to me, now we live
in the Midwest, but the only people that follow
the guidelines of the newest fashion trend is
Hollywood. Everyone else is kind of like, I don't
know. I don't think that's for me. Yeah, I remember
there used to be a lot more TV shows dedicated
to fashion. and a lot more attention paid to
it. Robin Leach used to glorify it really well.
Yeah, but anymore, I mean, the whole push towards
individualism really bit him in the ass there.
It did, didn't it? Yeah. Yeah, you want to wear
a tin bucket? Well, okay, go ahead. The people
who make tin buckets are fine. Yeah, they're
like, go ahead. Here, we'll give you a couple.
See this one that says outlaw on it? It's mean.
It means you're an outlaw and you do what you
want, even though I just gave this to you to
wear. You're an outlaw. Yes, I am. As I said
so. Yes. You the man. Yes, I am. Look at my tin
bucket. All right. This is more like bullet points,
Dale. I just got a few of them, and then we'll
go into the report cards that we started. Okay,
well, I've got a few signings that might have
already been covered. Oh, go ahead. Sam Darnold
went to the Seahawks. Yes, and that was one of
my bullet points. Oh, okay, sorry. No, no, no,
no. No, I didn't know it at the time. Oh, okay.
Yeah, because it's been three weeks. Yeah. Geno
Smith went to the Raiders. Yep. From the Seahawks.
DK Metcalf went from the Seahawks to the Steelers.
Justin Fields went to the Jets, so I guess he's
looking at being the number one right now. Right
now, unless they go to the draft, they're counting
on him to step up and be the number one guy.
Yeah. I think they're going to change the offense
to tailor to him, though, more running. They
should. Yeah. Less pocket. Jonah Jackson, offensive
guard from the Rams, went to the Bears. So he
and Joe Tooney are really going to help solidify
that line. Yeah, and that's smart. And I think
a lot of that has to be enemies' influence. Yeah.
You come in and say, hey, this is what we did
in Kansas City. This is what we should do here.
Yeah. That's why they hired him. They found a
position for him. They made up one pretty much.
Hey, now go ahead. All right, the Commanders
signed both Debo Samuels and offensive tackle
Laramie Tunsell. Debo from the Niners and Tunsil
from the Texans. The Niners, I don't know what
they're going to look like. They better draft
very well. Yeah, they're losing people. Oh, they're
losing people, and they have salary cap issues
bad. So whether they declare it or not, the Niners
are going to be in rebuilding mode. Yeah, they're
running back. McCaffrey? Yeah. Who knows how
he's going to be? No kidding. He's had too many
major injuries now, and he's getting up there.
He's probably around 30, isn't he? And he has
that chronic. illness in his legs, disease in
his legs. No matter how good he is now, he's
never going to get any better. This is as good
as he's ever going to be, and tomorrow he's going
to be worse. It's a downhill slide for him. I
hope the guy can still contribute and play and
do what he loves, but from a business standpoint,
he's someone you want to get out from under.
I personally think the Niners are in trouble
because they've lost so... And I think that McCaffrey
trade is going to go down in a couple of years
as being a big mistake. Yeah. Because he didn't
get accomplished what they wanted him, and then
they lost him. Yep. Yeah, I agree. But that's
part of the situation. I mean, you take chances.
Hey, man, we had to let Snead go last year. Yeah.
Did we want to? Fuck no. No. I'm so glad he's
doing well. Yeah. Yeah, he's a great, yeah. Miles
Garrett, who said he'd never play in Cleveland
again, is re -signed with Cleveland. Yeah, that's
one of my bullet points, but he's re -signed
with Cleveland since then. Kenny Pickett also
signed in Cleveland from Steelers. Devontae Adams
went to the Rams. I think that is a great pick
-up and a great let -go. Cup is gone. It's weird.
First, they wanted to trade Cup. It wasn't his
idea, and they got mad when Cooper Cupp said,
hey, it's not my idea, I don't want to leave,
but they're saying I'm gone. And then nobody
wanted him, and now he's dumped as a free agent.
Oh, I know. Wow. Well, I mean, I don't know.
The word is, and who knows if it's true or not,
he wants too much money for his capabilities.
I imagine that's it. I mean, he had 800 yards
last year. Yeah. You can get 700 from a backup.
He wants to get paid based on his best year.
Yeah. However long ago that was. That was probably
three years ago. Yeah. During the Super Bowl
year. I don't blame him. Why not try? Yeah. But
he's not going to get it. I don't think he's
going to get it. No. And I expect him to sign
with someone like Kansas City for a minimal amount.
Could be. Because he's going to look and go,
you know, I would not mind another ring. Yeah.
So. Let's see. Khalil Mack went to the Chargers.
Yep. And, yeah, that sucks. Yeah. We're going
to. Face him now. Josh Sweat went from the Eagles
to the Cardinals. Keith's brother. Yes. He went
from a bird team to a bird team. Yep. And there's
a large difference in their age because, well,
his mom fooled around at a later age. Allegedly.
Just kidding. You know that stuff. Just wait
until Josh Sweat reads that report card that
the Cardinals got. They were 32 out of 32. Dead
last in the league as far as player support card.
You guys said you were almost there. Treverius
Ward went to the Colts again because he wanted
a bunch of money. Yeah, and I don't know how
he keeps getting all this money. He was decent
when he was here, and I was sorry to see him
go, but at this point I don't think he would
fit if he wanted to come back. No, no, no, no.
You've got somebody who fills issues very nicely.
I mean, he's good, but not someone you're going
to want to keep a team. Maybe as a guy, if someone
gets injured, you might reach out for him, but
I think as your main team, he probably kind of
missed that boat. Yeah, and he's not going to
be around waiting for an injury later in the
season. Somebody's going to sign him up. Yeah,
they'll get him. But, you know, some of these
free agent signings could be dropped by their
team by midseason. Yeah, that always happens.
That always happens. Or the person they're replacing
gets cut on the last cut down day of the season.
That happens a lot too. Yeah, and then you look
at the free agent wire and you snatch those people
up. Yep. Oh, the Chiefs are so good at that.
They are. And then I love the way they'll snatch
somebody up that you're like, why did they get
another quarterback? Yeah, who the hell is this
guy? And then a month later they trade him with
someone that their quarterback went down. Yeah,
and they get like a fifth round pick. Yeah, they're
like, yeah. Yeah, how did we get these 30 picks?
Fifth round pick for nothing. Yeah. They do that
all the time. I think it's brilliant. Yeah. I
try to do that when I'm playing Madden football.
Of course, Madden football has nothing to do
with real life. Yeah. The rules are all screwed
up and the game itself is pretty. It's still
fun, though. It's fun, but it really doesn't
have a lot in similar with real football anymore.
I agree. EA just doesn't put the thought into
it. No. But it is really easy to take advantage
of the computer -controlled teams signing these
awesome free agents. Uh -huh. And I've had some
really good success there, but of course that
doesn't translate to the real world. No. It kind
of gives me an idea of how the structure works
and the possibilities. Yeah. I'll do that while
here's something going on in the NFL, bring up
the franchise mode in Madden and see if it's
got anything like that. Oh, I like that idea
and see what it catches. Is that all your questions?
That was it. That was my free agents. I have
a few bullet points and then we'll go into what
we started three weeks ago. Yeah. Okay. Could
Rogers become a contender again on the right
team? Thank you. Yeah, I think so. I think he
still has something left in him, and with the
right protection and scheme, etc. Yeah, he can
be successful. He made a bad pick like Favre
did. Favre. Yeah, Favre. Yeah, that nice guy.
Yeah, that guy who steals from the poor. Yeah,
allegedly, but yeah. I don't think we have to
say allegedly. No, we don't. He got convicted
on that one, so we can call him out on it. Yeah,
let's steal from the ultra -poor. Yes. And they
didn't even have it labeled as the poor fund.
The ultra -poor fund. We're talking about people
that aren't even eating. It's like, hey, I can
use that money for my girl's soccer team or something.
Yeah, volleyball or soccer or something. Yeah,
for a privileged white girl's sports team. Yes.
I wish you'd never done that because now I don't
like them at all. I know. Yeah. And rumor has
it. You say your phone three times, Brett Favre,
and his dick pic will appear. Yeah. Yeah. Or
the Vicodin on it. Yeah. No, no, no, he's soft.
He obviously didn't listen to Uncle Rob's rules
to life. No. No, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because, you
know, Uncle Rob, he's got it dialed in on the
dick pic, you know. You always shoot angles that
are complementary to length and girth. Favre
obviously didn't do that. No. Rumor has it he
had one of those little turtle peeking at you
in the shell pictures. Yep. He had a thimble.
A little peach thimble. Alright. Is that your
clitoris? What? I've seen bigger dicks on a fucking
bullfrog. I've seen bigger dicks on an earthworm.
And they fuck themselves. Yeah. Oh, my God. All
right. Okay. He's as close to a Ken as you can
get. Yeah. Yeah. A Ken doll. Smooth like a Ken
doll. Bald smoothie. Yep. All right. What is
the Chiefs' number one need in the draft? Offensive
line. Absolutely. 100%. And, I mean, I would
really not mind if the first two picks went to
offensive line. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, they're
pretty much solidified on everything else. And
I'll put it like this and see if you agree with
me. The offense has taken a couple of steps up
this year, barring any injuries like last year.
Yeah. So the offense has taken steps up. The
defense can take a step back because it's all
on money allocated to certain things. And right
now that's just the way it is. You know, you're
going to have to. Some of the defense you're
going to have to give up on because they're getting
to where that range where you can't afford some
of them. Yeah, and I'm comfortable with the Chiefs
team that needs to outscore the other team. Just
keep a decent to good defense and then just be
able to score 40, 50 points a game. No one's
going to keep up with you. Yep. Yeah, no, I agree.
Which team is going to be the ride higher in
the Western Division of the AFC? Two douchebags
and a microphone. The only podcast with gusto.
That's right. Just like Schlitz beer. Google
it. In order for us here at Two Douchebags and
Microphone, we feel bad for not having a female
presence. So for us to not look sexist, we're
going to occasionally have a female laugh in
the background. We hope this clears up any misunderstanding.
Please remember to go to Cole's dressing room,
wait five minutes, and scream, hey, there's no
toilet paper in here. Which team is going to
prove to be the right hire as a coach? Because
now we have, you know, the big dog, Andy Reid.
Then we have Sean McVay. Yeah. Or no, Sean Payton.
Sean Payton, yeah. Then we have Sean Payton.
We have Pete Carroll. and we have jim harbaugh
two of them won super bowls and one of them has
been to the super bowl with a couple of ass scrubs
yeah yeah wow yeah that's that's definitely a
good coaching pedigree yeah and that was designed
on purpose how can you beat mahomes and reed
well it all starts from the top so i'm going
to say right now because of the combination of
the of the GM and the coach, I'm going to say
right now, and I hate saying this, but I think
the Raiders. That's who I was going to pick too.
They scored so well on their report card. The
players love playing there. They love being there.
They love playing there. They believe in the
organization. They're like number four out of
32. And, yeah, their combination in the front
office and the fact that Mark Davis is going
to step back and not interfere so much. And Tom
Brady's influence. Yeah. Yeah, I think the Raiders
are really going to be a problem for the Kansas
City Chiefs. Yeah, and I think the Chargers are
going to be a problem too, and I think the Broncos
are going to be problematic also. Yeah. But I
think this is a great thing. Even if we don't
get home field advantage because of the division
being so tough. We're a better team fighting
them all year. We're a much better team. Yeah,
well, you know, because unless you're the number
one seed, you're playing that extra game anyway.
Yeah, yeah. So if you're not the number one seed,
for the Chiefs, it doesn't matter if you're on
the road or at home. You're going to be fine.
Oh, yeah. I mean, and here's something I could
parlay it to. George Foreman just passed away.
Great. One of my favorite boxers ever. Great
guy, too. Great grill. You know, and I'm not
talking about his mouth. There's a George Foreman
grill out there. Yep. Okay, he was a scrapper,
which made him one of the best fighters ever
because you couldn't knock him down. Yeah. He
would stay and stay and stay. Well, that's what
the Chiefs will be in this division. Yeah. They're
going to be a fist fight. They're going to punch.
And they're going to be, I mean, they're already,
people don't like playing them, but it's going
to get even worse because this team has fist
fought four of the best teams in the AFC two
times a year. Yeah. So. I think bring it on.
Yeah. Could Darnold become a contender in Seattle?
Not a contender. Playoff team, yes. Playoffs,
no. Yeah, I really don't see Sam Darnold taking
a team all the way. No, I don't either. Well,
I mean, look at Minnesota, and they let him go.
Yeah. They're like, no, that's all right, you
can walk. Well, why is that? He wanted too much
money for the talent that he gave. Yeah, and
Minnesota realized that the bulk of their success
came not from Sam Darnold. Well, this is a team
that picked up Darnold and took him to the locker
room. Yeah, and they didn't re -sign him. So
that tells you, nice guy too, everyone likes
him. The talent is not there. Yeah, and sometimes
it's the combination of the talent and the drive.
He's not a guy that's going to pick up the team,
put them on their shoulders, and go, come on,
guys. He's not a guy that goes in the locker
room and goes, what the fuck is wrong with you
guys? I mean, Mahomes is so good at that. And
he doesn't point fingers and doesn't throw people
under the bus. He says, it starts with me, and
I've got to do better, and so do you. And Darnold,
I saw a lot of Sam Darnold in that Netflix series
Quarterback. Yeah. He was featured on that. And
he seems like, in most of his life, he's the
kind of guy that wants to get along, do the right
thing, help people, be nice, be friendly. He's
got a very Christian attitude towards his fellow
man. Yes, I like him a lot as a person. He's
kind of like Kirk Cousins. Really likable guy.
Yeah, very much so. But then when he gets on
the field, he still has that attitude. When you're
a boxer, you've got to be willing to punch the
other guy on the injury. If you've made a cut
on his eye, you've got to be willing to punch
it over and over to take advantage. Sam Darnold
just isn't that guy. Well, it was Kirk Cousins
on the quarterback thing. Instead of Sam Darnold,
I got the two confused. But Sam Darnold's kind
of the same guy. Oh, real quick. Do you still
have the catfish nuggets for the possums? Oh,
I do. Okay, I'll have to get them on the way
out. Val wants to give the possums some food.
Yes. Okay. Go ahead, I'm sorry. But, yeah, once
he gets on the field, he doesn't have that killer
instinct, that take advantage, that win at all
costs, you know, if it's in the rules, I'm doing
it kind of thing. Sam Darnold seems to revert
to nice guy and he doesn't want to hurt anybody's
feelings. See, that's what makes Mahomes so interesting
and so on his own, really. I mean, a talent that,
like, really is kind of unmatched in a lot of
areas. Yeah. And the one thing is he'll go out
and pray with everybody. But you don't get that.
You do not get that in the huddle. It's like,
that son of a bitch is coming over here, and
he's going to tear you up unless you're ready.
Yeah. So, anyhow. I remember the singer for Bullet
Boys, Mark Torian. Yeah. In the dedication of
his first album with the Bullet Boys, his first
person he thanked, he said, the first person
I want to thank is Jesus Christ, without whom
I ain't shit. So he's a born -again Christian,
but he also can say, I ain't shit. I love the
guy. It's that attitude. And he still sings songs.
They're pretty raunchy and nasty. Smooth up in
you? Yeah. Well, I wonder what that's about.
Kissing Kitty. Kissing Kitty, yeah. Yeah, but
he's a born -again Christian. But he is a born
-again Christian. He loves God. He loves Jesus.
But he still is who he is. Yeah. Blackie Lawless
is another one, too. I mean, he came from much
darker origins. Yeah. There's a lot of examples
like that. So, yeah, I think Mahomes can be that
guy where he still has his wild, savage animal
side. Where I think her cousins, people don't
view him as a guy that will hit you in the face,
spit on you and go, by the way, I just prayed
for you. Yeah. You're lying on the field bloody.
I'm going to pray for you, but don't fuck with
me again. That would kind of mess with your head,
though. Yeah, yeah. I'm very sorry I had to do
this, but you were up against me. You were my
opponent, and I had to destroy you in front of
everybody. I hope you understand that. And I
will do it again. Yes. It's like the equivalent
of like I was going to. I laugh my ass off about
songs that go through your head when you're beating
someone up. Yes. And I forgot which one it was
where I said, you pick up the guy's face, you
turn it around, and you make him look you in
the face and go, you know why you're getting
this, don't you? I watch too much TV. Are you
learning your lesson? Do you know why this happened?
Otherwise, I'm just wearing myself out for nothing.
I know your teeth are kind of loose right now,
but tell me why this happened. What was that?
Okay, now you're going to get it. Okay. Yeah,
fuck. All right. That's what we do here. We do.
We sidetrack and go into shit that has nothing
to do with anything. There's about five different
squirrels in my head, and every one of them is
on crack. Same here. Same here. And so this is
what you get. This is a sports show. And kind
of everything else. Yeah, yeah. This is everything.
Kind of wherever our bizarre stream of consciousness
takes us. You know what? I mean, actually, I
mean, we are two douchebags. True. Right? True.
And we have one microphone. Yes. Hence the name.
Hey, we've kept that all the way through, just
one microphone. That's right, yeah. We never
went to two. No? No. We feel that we get a certain
anger having to share the microphone. Yeah, we
lean in and see each other's dental hygiene.
I'm sorry. Sorry to give you that image. Time
out. Roughing the listener. Too much information.
Okay, should the Jets hire Russell Wilson? No.
No. Russell Wilson is a problem. Yep, obviously.
Even if you can get out from under eventually
that gigantic cap hit or salary or whatever he
carries around with him, I still don't know that
Russell Wilson is that guy. I've watched him
play, and he plays well. He's got a lot of talent.
But there's just something about him that seems
like if the – If it comes down to it, he's going
to get pissed off and take care of himself and
fuck the team. I agree. He just gives me that
impression. Obviously, because look at some of
the wording that doesn't say he's a fucking problem,
but it says he's a fucking problem. Yeah. The
wording means everything. It's lawyered up. It's
like, well, we felt we should probably go in
a different direction. We feel that Wilson has
different goals and objectives in life, and that's
fine. We're all different. What it means is he's
being a fucking dickhead and he's worried about
money and stats. I mean, how they word stuff.
And then if someone calls him, I go, what? I
didn't say anything wrong. Technically, no. True.
It's just like people taking Jakey Lee out of
context. You know, he said that technically his
stuff was harder to play than Randy Rhoads. He
was correct. Was it better? I don't think so.
No, no. But, you know, he was more into chords
and hitting the strings, where Randy is more
composition and fast and hitting the scale. Here's
another example. Most people know that Frank
Zappa was all about complex. Well -written music.
And he was very intelligent when it came to composing,
arranging. And look at his songs. He surrounded
himself with the best musicians available. When
he signed the Alice Cooper Group back in 1969
to his straight label, the Alice Cooper Group
was pretty awful. I mean, they really couldn't
play. He saw the talent. And one of the things
he said was, your songs are so unusual and different,
it would take me a week. to teach my band how
to play this stuff because it's just so different.
And that was a thing in that when you don't go
the expected ways, you don't have to be super
talented or super amazing. You're different enough
that you're like, whoa, this guy's cool. Yeah,
living within your means means so much in music.
I mean, look at Poison. Yeah. Okay, look at Motley
Crue. Yeah. They were nothing special. Yeah.
Now, Mick Mars is pretty precise. Yeah. He is
not sloppy, but he's playing notes. ACDC is a
greater example. Oh, yeah. Besides the leads
of Angus Young. Yeah. Angus Young is a fucking
fantastic lead. But the rhythm parts are real
easy. Yeah, real easy. I mean, I can play just
about any ACDC song. I can play the rhythm parts,
and I'm not a very good guitar player. Living
within your means is that right there. And although
I heard that Malcolm was a much better player
than that. But he did what fit the song. He did
what sounded like them. He didn't need to go
any further. But anyhow. All right. Will the
Eagles be back in the Super Bowl again next season?
Next year? They went two out of three, and they
won one of them. That's not too bad. Yeah, I
really don't see the Eagles. I think there's
been enough change and enough people catching
up that I don't see the Eagles in the next Super
Bowl. What about the Chiefs? I'm going to say
no. I'm going to give them about a 30 % chance.
Yeah, I mean, I love him, and I'd love to see
him go back because Kelsey, this is most likely,
I'm pretty sure, his final year, and he wants
to win another. I would love to see that, but,
I mean. God, I hope Kelsey plays better next
year because he was just a shadow of his former
self this year. There's more going on somewhere.
There's more going on because he was distracted,
and he admitted some of that, too. He even said
something to that. So whatever it is, he's fucking
figured it out. Because he's taking too big of
a paycheck to not have it figured out. It's interesting
that all of his career so far, Kelsey has had
football and professional football, and he's
had a girlfriend here and there. But football's
kind of been the center of his life. And now
it's not. He met Taylor, and he's got introduced
to her way of living and all of her situations
and the things she gets to do and the things
he can do when he's with her. And he's like,
there is so much more to life than football.
And I think he got a real wake -up call. And
last season, he was probably thinking a lot.
He was like, ugh, I hurt. This isn't going well.
If I wasn't playing, I could be on, you know,
doing something new with Taylor, you know, eating
at a restaurant, flying on a plane, whatever.
It was probably eating at him, thinking like,
I'm giving up all of that to do this. But at
the end of the season, when ultimately they did
not get their goal done. He had a bad taste in
his mouth. They reverted back to footballism.
And he goes, I'm going to do one more year and
we're going to win. Yeah, I think last season
was needed for Kelsey to regain his drive. I
agree. And I think he's got one year's worth
of drive left. And I think it's going to rebound.
I think he'll have a 1 ,000 -yard season. Maybe
1 ,050, maybe 1 ,032. Yeah. But I think he's
going to have a final 1 ,000 -yard season. But
as far as the Super Bowl goes, yeah, they'll
make it into playoffs. Yeah, they'll make it
well into it. Jeez, think of everything that
had to happen the last two years for them to
be in it. Just to be in it. From the Raiders
loss Christmas Day, the famous one that slapped
them in the face, and they promptly won 18 games
in a row after that. And the game they lost,
they didn't really give a shit about. And then
the other game, they didn't play. They put the
backups in. But the game they lost to the Bills,
they were supposed to, and they knew it. It wasn't
rigged. I'm not saying this. It was a script
in their head. Yeah. It's like, okay, Josh Allen's
going to pull out a miracle and let him. He's
not going to do it in the playoffs. Yeah. Playoffs.
And that's kind of a smart strategy for the Chiefs
is to let the Bills show you everything they
got. Yeah, it's not really letting them win by
any means. The Bills are a great team. But what
it is is something in their head that says, we
don't care about this game. They do. They keep
getting beat up in the playoffs by us, and they
want to smash us. So if they do, they do. We'll
see them again. And they did. It's kind of like
a preseason game. Preseason, you don't care to
win, but you want to see what your team is capable
of. This was the opposite. They wanted to see
what the Bills were capable of. Yes, and I'm
pretty sure they had people. They probably hired
10 extra analyzers to fucking go over everything,
all the data. So, yeah, you know what? And it
worked. And, you know, the fun thing nowadays
with all these sophisticated cameras and AI is
they can have a camera trained on Josh Allen
from the moment he gets to play to the moment
he gets up to the line. And they can analyze
his body language. And eventually they can figure
out what play was called based on his body language.
AI! No, I know that. And I saw several articles
that kind of didn't allude to it, actually really
said it. I got one for you. Every time I put
in podcast subjects, because sometimes they hit
gold. Most of the times it's bullshit. But sometimes
they hit gold on some subjects. Gemini keeps
trying to write the whole thing for me. And I'm
like, no. And it's not bad. I mean, it's something
I could listen to. I mean, it's actually clever.
It made a couple of ha -ha's in there. That's
what's going on now. I mean, I'm pretty sure
there's a lot of shows and podcasts where it
writes everything. Yeah, and I've seen a lot
of YouTube videos that the script was written
by AI and then it was read by AI. Because it's
easy to tell because they'll mispronounce common
words or they'll get the emphasis wrong. Yeah,
yeah. Like Xavier Worthy, who I'm getting ready
to go into and call like X -Xavier or something
like that. You know, everyone knows it's Xavier.
Everyone knows it's not Xavier. But that's the
way like some AI would perceive it. Yeah. You
know, the English language is such a tough language
because we don't have rules really. No, no. People
come up and go. That's not, my last name is not
Jones, it's Jonas. What? Well, it's spelled like
Jones. No, no, no, that was a mispronunciation
from everybody else, and actually it's the same
name. Yeah, the inconsistency of the rules really
screws up AI. Yes, and they don't know how to
do it. Yeah, and then the simple stuff gets past
them. It doesn't understand pupils either, you
notice that? Yeah. It does not understand eye
pupils. Anyhow, what? Yeah, and then, what was
the other thing? There's another common mistake
AI makes is with hands. Oh, yeah, yeah, they'll
either elongate it or not there. It's getting
better. If you spend the time and the money for
a really good, really good one, it can come up
with something that looks pretty realistic, but
there's so many of them. There's deep fakes that
are just insanely good, and you can't really
tell, which is scary. All right, next one. Xavier
Worthy, if he stays healthy, what will his yards
and touchdowns look like next season? I'm gonna
say close to a thousand yards and double -digit
touch maybe 12 I'm going to say 14 to 1 ,500
yards. Oh, nice. And I'm going to say probably
18 touchdowns. Well, I like your idea better.
Well, I saw some stuff last year, some moments
of brilliance, of him getting open ridiculously,
and I've seen him catching balls ridiculously.
Yeah, true. You put both of those together without
injury, and that guy is going to be insane. He's
going to be better than Tyreek Hill, in my opinion.
I mean, but anything can happen. You get injured,
whatever. Well, I guess I was thinking more that
Mahomes would be spreading it around. That does
make sense. If he's your hot hand, you go to
him. I know this, and Hollywood Brown's going
to get some, and Kelsey's going to get some.
Juju's coming back. Juju and Rasheed Rice, they're
all going to get theirs. But Xavier, what makes
him different is he's going to get 60 -yard chunks.
Oh, that's true. He's going to be your deep play
guy. Yeah, and he obviously can do it. I mean,
actually, deep play is his game. That's where
he gets so much separation to where it looks
ridiculous. Is that guy covering him or is that
guy covering him? Yeah. I don't know. Yeah, if
you've got a tenth of a second advantage on a
guy speed -wise, the longer you run, the more
separation you've got. And as long as you've
got enough field ahead of you, you can get way
out ahead. Yeah. And we know Mahomes can throw
it as far as he wants. Yeah. Yeah, and he's accurate
too. And will Rashi Rice, barring his suspension,
be a legit 1 ,200 -yard or more receiver? Now,
he hit 1 ,000 yards pretty much. His first season.
Yeah. He looked fantastic. He gets open in the
flat really well. He's also a deep threat if
you put him in that situation. If he doesn't
get suspended or hurt, is he a 1 ,200 -yard legit?
Not in his first season back because he's been
out of football for a while. I'm saying around
1 ,000, maybe 950. Yeah. But you're going to
see towards the end of the season, which is great.
If he doesn't get injured or suspended. You're
right, yeah. He'll start accelerating towards
the playoffs. Yeah, and it'll be where people
are like, playoffs? You got me on that one. It's
going to be the classic people go, hey, he just
never came back from an injury, right? And then
all of a sudden, you know, about, I don't know,
the 16th game is like, did you see what I did?
Yeah. Because everyone's so quick to do that.
Yeah. Okay, and then finally, and then we can
go into grade cards after I take a piss. Okay.
Chiefs signed. Former 49er, running back, Aliyah
Mitchell, 201, your deal. Good, bad, or depends?
You said he's a linebacker? No, no, not running
back. Did I say linebacker? I'm sorry, running
back. There was noise. I couldn't hear. Oh, okay.
Yeah, they've signed Hunt. Yeah, Hunt is a great
signing. I'm glad they did. You and I were both
for that. We're like, dude, you bring that guy
back. He's got a hunger. He still has a hunger.
They haven't won it. He wants that. I would say
your backfield should be Hunt number one, P.
Ryan number two, and then this. No, P. Ryan signed
with Cincinnati. Oh, he's gone again? P. Ryan
went back to his old team. He went back to, okay,
never mind then. They saw the error of their
ways. Yeah. You're welcome, Cincy. Yeah. So,
yeah, okay, this guy could be number two. Hunt's
going to be P. Ryan this year, I'm pretty sure.
Anyhow. I really don't know that you want to
bring Pacheco back. I don't like him. Even if
he's healthy, I think you want to move on to
somebody else who's – As a player, I don't like
him. Yeah. Okay. I never was convinced on him
ever. Everybody else is, oh, God, that guy's
just insane. I never saw a 1 ,000 -yard season
out of him. No. I mean, he busts off some amazing
runs, but next time he gets stuffed. He gets
stuffed for like 10 yards, but the difference
between him and Barry – Barry Sanders is. The
difference between those two is Barry Sanders
had legs the size of fucking tree trunks. Yes.
Okay, and he could pull off. He was still fast,
too. He was so maneuverable, too. Yeah, he would
get a 60 -yard run, and then he'd lose five yards.
And you're like, I don't care. But Checo would
get a five -yard run and lose seven yards. And
then since Checo's not an every -down back, that
means somebody else has to come in and dig you
out of that hole he put you in. I think Mitchell
quietly might be that guy. Yeah. And, you know,
I like Pacheco too, but I don't think he's good
for his team. On the depth chart, he might go.
He's going to take a hit back, I think, on the
depth chart. Yeah, third string. Yeah. Yep. You
and I are both in agreement on that. And, listen,
man, we love Pacheco as a human. Great guy. But
the problem is, I mean, his body is just not
designed for that brutal running back that he
tries to be. Yeah. Yeah, we've seen the injuries
already. One of these injuries coming up is going
to be career -ending. If he was finesse and he
dodged and wiggled his way around, that would
be completely different. And could catch the
ball reliably. And could catch the ball reliably.
That's a great point. Yeah. But he's not. No.
And I wouldn't doubt if he's out again next year
on some injury. Yeah. And, you know, you used
to be able to get away with a running back who
could just run. But now you need him to catch.
And you need him to block. No, no, no. Yeah.
And the blocking, I think, is another thing.
you're going to have an upgrade with somebody
else. Absolutely. I mean, if you've got an empty
backfield, you know it's a pass. But you keep
the running back in there to block, and now the
other team's like, oh, they could still run.
I think that might have been part of their problem
on certain situations this year, this last season,
was the lack of being able to block. So, anyhow,
let's take a pause. I've got this. And we'll
come back with some great cards. We'll do it.
All right. Sports bastards continue, but of course
you wouldn't know that because all he did was
pause. Yes. But 9 ,000 things happened, and it's
actually four days later. Yes. Yes. Yep. And
actually, yeah, we're still the same, though.
We've been sitting here the whole time, and no
one questioned it. It's pretty interesting. However,
we did have a transient offer us food. Yeah,
that was very nice. Yeah, it was not Miss Golfenstein.
No. No, she still does not like us. No, no. And
she hates that wall. Yeah. One of these days,
we ought to disguise ourselves as the wall she
hates. Oh, yeah. See if we can get her to yell
at us. Oh, that'd be great. Wouldn't that be
fun? Yeah, yeah. I mean, right now, it kind of
hurts me. The wall gets all the attention, and
she just kind of glosses over us like, oh, oh,
there's those. Yeah. Yeah, okay. Oh, but that
wall. Yeah. Yeah. That wall must really piss
her off. I'm telling you, I think that wall did
something pretty fucking shady, I'm telling you.
I don't know if it stole her bank account or
touched her wrong or something. That wall can't
be trusted, obviously. That wall touched me inappropriately.
Can you point out the part that it touched me?
All right, okay. Show me on this cabbage patch
doll where the wall touched you. Okay. What was
that? Oh, that reminds me. You know we have a
Goodwill Center right down the road from us on
State Line, right? Oh, yeah. You know there was
a guy in there that he can only grunt. I'm not
joking. Oh, wow. Oh, my God. It's so weird, too.
Because the first time I went in there, I didn't
know he was like that. I just thought he was
in a bad mood. And then by the end of the conversation,
it was still grunts, only not as angry sounding.
Yeah. And I was like, hey, do you take dressers?
Thumbs up, thumbs down. That's the only thing
that makes Goodwill qualify as any kind of charity
is that they hire mentally disabled people and
pay them shit. And look, I don't think this guy
could get another job and I'm happy for him and
glad he does and I'm sure he's happy as hell
and he can be productive. But that grunting thing
is kind of disturbing. It is a little bit. I
don't speak grunt. I'm sorry. And I like the
guy. I have nothing against him. It's just so
weird trying to talk to somebody that grunts.
Yeah. So, anyhow. It's kind of like talking to
your cat, and I'm not demeaning it. No. You don't
really understand what they're saying. They're
going meow, only he's going grunt. Yeah. It's
like my son, Louis, speaks very rapidly and in
kind of a monotone, and he rambles a bit. He
could be on radio. Yeah, pretty much. But when
we lived at home, I was able to understand him
perfectly. But now that he lives, he's got his
own place and he comes and visits, it takes me
a minute to get back where I can understand Lewis
speak. It's like, okay, hang on a second. I've
got to readjust. And then I can understand him.
It's part of his autism that he speaks so rapidly
and in a monotone and not very loud. And it does
take some time to get to the point where you
can understand what he's talking about. I used
to work in the Northeast a lot. Northeast, you
know, as in America. Same thing. Oh, yeah. First
couple of days I get there, I'm like, what? What?
And finally I just got to acting like I understood.
Oh, yeah, yeah, thank you. And I didn't know
what it was. They could have said, you better
run, there's a mass shooter. But I'm just going,
oh, okay, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. But then after
the third day, I'm like, I started understanding
them. Yeah. So, anyhow. All right, we have some
report cards to get to. So, do you want to start?
all right my one on right on the top here is
the buffalo bills buffalo bills they had an overall
ranking of 23 out of 32. oh nice um the parts
that were the big deal excuse me um i think they
were i think one of them is having to pray to
the josh allen statue That might be part of it.
That was part of it. I was trying to see the
rating. I think last year the rating was about
to say, I said last year the players were frustrated
that they are made to sit in the smaller seats
during travel while the coaches and auxiliary
staff sit in first class. Isn't that bullshit?
Well, there you go. A problem right there. The
players' dissatisfaction with this issue has
grown with 65 % of the players saying they have
insufficient space or discomfort when traveling
to away games. Up. From 55 % last year. I got
a question on that. 10 % worse. 10 % worse. Okay,
if you were Sean McDermott, and obviously he
knows something about it, wouldn't you suddenly
go, this is not happening anymore? No, you coaches
are going to sit in back and you'll let the players
up here. Yeah, if it were up to me, I'd do that.
I would too. As a gesture, like you guys are
it. If it wasn't for you, we wouldn't be here.
And there was a coach that made that change last
year. He said, okay, coaches and staff, we're
back in economy. Players are in first class.
Yes. It sends a message. So anyhow, a giving
message, a generous message that you need on
a team. Sorry. The other issue that players asked
to be fixed for this last year was they wanted
an increase in the number of trainers and physical
therapists in the training room. Even this year's
survey, even more players expressed that the
current staffing is inadequate. And these two
relatively simple and inexpensive improvements
have not been addressed by the club, which is
probably why the head coach, Sean McDermott,
and owner, Terry Pegula, dipped in the ratings
from last year. So they're worse than last year.
I don't know why they're not a little bit concerned
about that, trying to do something different.
Do they go to the owner and the owner says, absolutely
not, fuck you? I don't know. Now, they rate.
A's and B's in every single category. Wow. Except
for training staff, where they got a C, and team
travel, which the players rated an F -. Why in
the world wouldn't they change that? Who knows?
It's just weird. Maybe the owner probably thinks,
well, this doesn't matter. I'm not spending the
extra money. I'll bet you it's a focus and time
thing. I'm not spending any time on this. I don't
have enough. I don't know. Oh, well. So, you
know, the coach. And the ownership, both had
A's last year, now they're B. Oh, some of that's
probably another playoff loss. Yeah, and the
fact that these two issues have not been... Imagine
you're the Buffalo Bills, and you're flying to
Kansas City for a playoff game in Arrowhead.
And you have to make that flight in economy,
with your knees crammed up into your chin. while
some little grunt who works in the front office
is up there in first class having martinis. Yeah.
How are you going to feel as a player thinking,
I generate all this income and they're sticking
me back here like this? How are you going to
feel when you get to your destination? Yeah,
you're going to feel like shit. We don't matter.
Yeah. I understand where my place on the pecking
order is. That little grunt who's up there running
in first class means more to the team than me.
Yeah. I just don't get it why these teams are
cheaping out like this. I would address it. I
would. Like, hey, you know, there's obviously
a problem here. Otherwise, I wouldn't have been
brought up like that. Okay, you want me to go
through one now? Sure. Okay, this is the Los
Angeles Rams, and they rank 21st overall. It's
a little under half. Okay. Treatment of families.
They got a grade D and they're 30th. I guess
they're in the bottom third. Treatment of families
is... I think it's so important. I know, and
so many teams are so bad at it. Let me put it
in perspective. Someone comes up to you and goes,
Christopher, you're a stupid ass. Okay. Your
mom's a stupid ass. What the fuck? It's normal.
Your kid's a stupid ass. Oh, that's an even better
one. Treatment of families means everything,
and I can just put it like that, man. And, you
know, I have friends that if they treated my
wife like crap, they wouldn't be my friends anymore.
Exactly. That's a great example, too. Yep. And
with treatment of families, this is parents,
kids, significant others, whether they be wife,
girlfriend, longtime partner, whatever. These
are the people you care about the most. And your
team is crapping on them. Yeah. If I was a player,
I mean, I would. I would definitely look at that
and go, you know what, I don't really necessarily
like that. Yeah. My family's going to be treated
better if I go sign with that team. Yeah. It
makes a difference when free agents come to visit.
Yeah, that's right. Okay, next one, food and
dining area. They got a C-, which is also important.
Yeah. Why are you cheaping out on food? I don't
get it. No, I don't get it either. Let's see.
Okay, nutritionist, dietitian, B+. Yeah. I mean,
a lot of teams are failing in the food and dining
area and the nutrition and dietitian. I don't
know if the teams are expecting the players to
do that themselves. On dietitian, I could get
by that because I think a lot of that's personal.
It's a personal choice. Yeah, you have a diet
that's designed for you. I think a good way to
do it would be tell the players when they sign
their contracts, we're paying you extra in this
contract so you will get your own dietitian and
diet plan. And then when you come to the facility,
we will do our best to follow that for you. But
you come up with it on your own. And we'll make
every reasonable effort to provide that for you.
That, to me, sounds like a smart way to do it.
Yeah, same here. And, well, obviously they don't.
Otherwise, I think they would have ranked higher.
Yeah. Higher. Okay. Training staff, they got
a B. Okay. It's all right. That means they did
okay. Next is weight room. They got a C+. That,
again, is personal, too. Players have their own
weight rooms in their homes. I mean, look at
Mahomes' house. You see some of the images. He
has his own little partial football field. He
does. That's amazing. Strength coaches, A-, that's
a good one. Yeah. Team travel, they got a B.
That's decent. Head coach, they got an A. They
all love... I just said his name earlier. McVeigh?
Yeah, Sean McVeigh. Is Peyton a V? Sean McVeigh.
Peyton is in New Orleans? Denver. Denver. Ownership,
they got a C. And they were a D, 30th out of
32 teams on the treatment of families. Okay,
taste of their team's food is 6. 8 .52 out of
10. A ranking 28 out of 32. It's kind of like
prison food. Yeah, they don't use spices. Yeah.
I mean, hospital food's better than that these
days. Oh, yeah. Yeah, hospital food's taking
a real step up. It has. It really has. Yeah,
it's actually really not hospital food anymore.
It's like, it's decent. Yeah, it's like a nice
diner. Yeah. Yeah. So... And I think that that
was like years and years of people griping and
putting stuff up on Google saying, hey, I love
the hospital, but the food is horrible. And a
lot of it getting returned uneaten because it's
just garbage. Yeah, they're like, man, look,
we just threw away five big barrels of food.
Because nobody wants to eat it. Yep. And you
can't recycle it. You can't give it to someone
else. All right. They rate the freshness of their
food 7 .29 out of 10, so not me. That's okay.
Yeah, they picked their fucking grapes from up
the road. Yeah. All right. The players rate their
dining area 7 .3 out of 10. And believe it or
not, a 7 .43 is 26 out of 32 NFL dining areas.
So that means even though it's a passing grade,
most of the other teams are better than that.
Yeah. I've got one here on this team. They got
a C, but that still put them dead last. Yeah,
isn't that interesting because I guess everybody
else is better at it. Yeah. I love the way they
do that, the ranking, because that tells you
pretty good about how they're doing on it for
real. Yeah, it makes more sense. Next one, 82
% of players report that they get an individualized
nutrition plan. That's good. They got a B -plus
on this. Yeah. Ranking the Rams 17 out of 32
teams. Right in the middle. Yep. The players
feel the team dietitian is very accessible at
ranking of 13 out of 32. It makes sense in Los
Angeles where everybody's into their own kind
of diets. That's where a lot of the diets come
from is L .A. Okay, on the last couple, I couldn't
tell you what it was because it was cut off.
Yeah. Okay, so locker room, C +, 19th out of
32 teams. That's fair. 92 % of players feel they
have enough room in their individual lockers,
a ranking of 13 out of 32. So that's not too
bad. 79 % of players feel the locker room size
is adequate. ranking them 20 out of 32 teams.
So even though they said it was adequate, they
didn't get that good of a rank. Still in the
bottom third. Yeah. Funny. Next one is a B, but
I'll just go into everything. 93 % of Rams players
feel they have enough full -time trainers, ranking
them 11 out of 32 teams. Up for third? Yeah,
up for third. 86 % of players feel they have
enough full -time physical therapists, a rank
of 15 out of 32, which is very important. Yeah.
97 % of players feel they have enough hot tub
space. That's real important. Yeah. Yeah, you
don't want some big guy next to you. Yeah. Yeah,
yeah, yeah. It's like, hey, what was that? Was
that soap? Uh -uh. Uh -uh. All right. Let's see.
75 % of players feel they have enough cold tub
space. Ranked 24 out of 32. That's good because
you're not looking your best. Yeah. Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah. You know, you're kind of like that.
You're tucked in a little bit. Spider on a hot
stove. Yes. Not even a meat whistle? No. No,
nothing. Training staff, they got a B. 90 % of
Rams players report that they receive enough
one -on -one training treatment, ranking them
10 out of 32. That's upper. Upper third. Let's
see. Oh, come on. All right, there we go. Weight
room, C+. Equipment is below average, ranking
30 out of 32 teams. They do not have enough space
to train effectively. 26 out of 32. Oh, and Rob
and I have a new rule. If there's a word you
can't pronounce or if it's in question, we say
babble snatch. Oh, that sounds good. Yeah, yeah.
If you know, you know. If not, you're like, what
the hell did they just say? So, all right. Strength
coaches, A -. All right, they got a 14 out of
32, and they love their individualized training
plan. Team travel, they got a B, 16th out of
32. Even though it's a B, they're in the middle
of the pack. Wow. 88 % of Rams players believe
they have a comfortable amount of personal space
on team flights, ranking them 15 out of 32. All
right, the players fill the team's travel schedule
somewhat efficient, a rank of 15 out of 32. So
they're average even though they're a B. Yeah.
All right, head coach A. 100 % of Rams players
fill their head coach. Sean McVay is efficient
at their time. He was one of the six coaches
in the league to receive a perfect score. You
don't feel like I'm doing here. You know whenever
you got your evaluation at work, this is what
it sounds like. Okay, now your efficiency at
work, okay, you got it. Your grade was a 72,
Topher. What I'm reading from this is this right
here. You fuck off a lot. They say you like to
stand in the corner and scratch your ass. Is
this true? Hang on, let me go scratch my ass.
I'll be right back. I wonder if players' agents
bring these ratings to the team when there's
contract negotiation time. I would. It's like,
hey, look at the way you treat families. Look
at your travel. I mean, look at the food. If
you want my client to sign here, you're either
going to have to improve these, which you're
probably not, so now you're going to have to
pay him extra to make up for the inconvenience.
Yeah. I would do that as an agent. Same here.
Yeah. I agree. All right. Ownership, C. 7 .2
out of 10, the Rams players are ranking a 25
out of 32 on the ownership, which is not that
good. And finally, I don't know what's 21st.
Ownership. Okay. Ownership's the last category.
Okay. There's nothing on it. Well, the first
one answered it anyhow because that was about
ownership as well. Yeah. All right. There you
go. Put it in the gun. All right. I've got the
Cincinnati Bengals. Oh, this ought to be good.
Yeah. Samajit Pirine's new team. Yes. That he
went back to. We're sorry you're never going
to sniff another ring in the next couple of years.
No kidding. Yeah, good luck to you. Let's see.
Let me give you the highlights of the Bengals
organization. Locker room, A +, ranking them
third. Training staff, B +, ranking them sixth.
Training staff, A-, ranking them fourth. Weight
room, B, which puts them only at 16th. So that
means half the league gets a better than B rating.
Strength coaches, A-, team travel, A-, head coach,
A. Now here are the bad ones. Ownership, C. Let
me run to the description for ownership. Mike
Brown has an average rating for perceived willingness
to invest in the facilities. 7 .23 out of 10.
Okay. So a full quarter of the team doesn't think
he's interested in investing. Uh -huh. They feel
the owner slightly contributes to a positive
team culture. Judging by all the contract disputes
they've had, I'm thinking I have to agree with
them. Yeah. They have more than anybody else.
They would have to. And as far as their sense
that the owner is committed to building a competitive
team, they say somewhat. Rank of 28 out of 32.
I think I'd agree with that too. Now here's where
they really suck. Treatment of families. F. Ooh,
that's a... The Bengals are only... Go ahead.
Oh, would you go to a team like that? No. I wouldn't
either. Not unless you're single. That's right.
If you're single, you don't care. Yeah. Okay,
the Bengals are one of only three teams that
do not offer daycare during home games. Not at
all. To me, that's atrocious. Why could... It's
simple. I know. Everybody offers daycare. Yeah.
And they're one of only 10 teams that do not
offer a family room during home games. Your family's
got to go buy a ticket and sit in the stands.
I mean, okay, all employers now pretty much offer
one. Or a safe room or a quiet room. It's also
a family room. That is so easy to do. I know.
And Bengals are the only team in the NFL that
doesn't provide either of those. Every other
team provides at least one of those. That's insane.
Yeah. They're dead last in that. Wow. Now, they
do have a post -game family area, which families,
which the players rate dead last. 4 .92 out of
10. It sucks. It's just awful. Yeah. And the
team, the players feel the team rarely organizes
family events. Most teams do several times a
year, big events. Bengals, nah, we don't want
to know you. It is a part of, like, bonding.
Yeah. As individuals and families. You know,
I mean, the two wives talking after that and
texting and going, man, I hope your husband's
okay, man. He took a hell of a hit. Hey, thank
you so much. All of that means a lot. It does.
It does. Yeah, and then you get home and go,
oh, so -and -so's wife said she hopes you're
okay and all this stuff. Oh, you know, do you
have a more respect for that person you're playing
with? Yeah, really. And you play better with
them. It's crazy. Food and dining area, F, deadliest.
That's bad, too. They rate the freshness of the
food 5 .5 out of 10. They rate their dining area
5 .9 out of 10. Players wish that more meals
would be provided throughout the week. Apparently,
they don't even feed you. The team does not provide
three meals a day. Don't look like you need a
meal, Tubby. Yeah, there are only two teams in
the league that fail to provide at least three
meals a day. Cincinnati's one of them. I don't
know who the other one is. We'll figure it out.
Yeah. And even though the food is rated this
poorly, they say it's better than last year.
What, they do shit on the plate last year? Yes.
The Nutritious and Dietitian is rated C, dead
last. 41 % of the players get individualized
nutrition plans. The other 59 %... Screw you.
Your eyes are on your own. Okay, man. Wow. So
they do really well in a bunch of areas, and
then they just totally crap out on the basic
human needs like food and caring for your family.
No wonder they have so many problems. That explains
everything. And that explains why a lot of good
players can't wait to leave Cincinnati. And they
do, except P. Ryan. Yeah. We'll see how that
turns out. All right. This is a report card of
the New York Giants. It's going to be interesting
because they have so many issues, famous issues,
with so many different players. I mean, they
just seem like an organization that will never
find glory again. Yeah, they can't get out of
their own way. Yeah, they're just one enormous
market. They could be raking in tons of money
for the league. At some point, the other owners
have got to say, hey, we've got to get at least
one team in New York that can do something. You
would think. If I was a New Yorker, I wouldn't
stand for it. I did see some of the signs last
year, though. The giant signs. I'm only here
because someone gave me free tickets and I'm
still unhappy. There was one that was so funny.
Was it last year or the season before that the
Jets fans were chanting, sell the team, sell
the team during the game? During the game. And
then the TV broadcast had to bleep that out.
I remember what it was. I got free tickets and
I still paid too much. That was Giants, so it
had a big sign. But yeah, the sell the team thing
was funny because there's nothing they can really
do about it. You know, because it's on air. And,
I mean, they might have eventually, like, put
some different crowd noise in that we don't know
about. But, I mean, at first it was very obvious.
And then ESPN getting a hold of it was not any
better. Yeah. All right. The New York Giants
are 20th overall out of 32 teams, of course.
Okay. Ranking breakdown, treatment of facilities,
C. Food, dieting area, B. Nutrition, dietitian,
C. Locker room, C -. Pretty mediocre. Yeah. Weight
room, B-, strength coaches, A-, team travel.
Well, strength coaches, they did pretty good.
Team travel, B, they did good. Weight room, B-,
not that bad. Ownership, C+. There you go. There's
one of the problems. That's a lot of mediocrity
in a lot of areas. And they provide daycare.
Yep. Players feel that communication and engagement
between the team and their significant others
or families need improvement. Food and dining
area, B. They're 17th out of 32 teams, so they're
mediocre. Well, average. Yeah, average. Nutrition
and dietician, C+. 67 % of players report that
they get an individualized nutrition plan. Ranking
them 30 out of 32 teams. Wow. Two -thirds are
getting it, and that still ranks you really low.
Which means... Even doing that much, there's
so many better than you. Yeah. Which means you
failed even though it doesn't look like on paper.
Yeah. It's like an easy test at school. Yeah.
And everyone gets an A - or an A +, and you get
a C. Yeah. Because you missed one more question.
Yeah. Yeah. I get your point. Okay. Locker room,
C -. 71 % of players feel they have enough room.
74 % of players feel like a locker room size
is adequate. And the players report that the
locker room needs renovation, it is outdated,
it needs to be larger with functional lockers.
So obviously the lockers don't work. Wow, functional
lockers. Yeah, I think you'd kind of want that
as a given. A lot of people go through their
media and stuff like that and think, you know,
someone could grab something from a locker if
it's not working right and exploit it or sell
it, you know. All right. And you've got to remember,
these are multi -billion dollar sports franchises.
Spending a few hundred thousand on a locker room
is nothing. No, I know. And they still won't
do it. It doesn't make sense to me. It really
doesn't. Yeah. Okay. Oh, I'm glad you remembered.
I forgot. 91 % of Giants players feel they have
enough full -time trainers. 87 % feel they have
enough full -time physical therapists. 63 % of
players feel they have enough hot tub space.
They're 29 out of 32, 69 % cold -tub space, feel
that it's adequate, 30 out of 32. I'm glossing
over a lot of these because nobody really cares
about the Giants. They've been sucking for so
long. True. Their grade rank on training staff
is B, 88 % of players say they get enough one
-on -one. The players of the training staff moderately
contributes to their overall success, ranking
them 19 out of 32. I don't know what the next
one is, but it's a B -. Players feel that the
quality of their weight room and equipment is
good overall, 25 out of 32. The players feel
they do not have enough space to train efficiently,
ranking them 24 out of 32. Strength coaches,
a minus 96. Getting into what they feel their
individual training was great, ranking them 12
out of 32. The players feel the strength coaches
moderately contribute to overall success, a rank
of 18 to 32. Moderately. Moderately. So many
teams don't do well on the strength and coaches
and the weight room, etc., that it really seems
they expect these players to just provide for
themselves. I've got a theory on that. I think
that every team expects them to do their own
so they're not worried about it. Yeah, but it
doesn't seem to make sense, though. I mean, it
makes sense on the one hand that the team would
do that, but I don't think they're going to get
the returns they want because you want to monitor
the players' weight here. and see how they're
doing and measure the success. Sometimes you
want supervised workouts. And if your facility
decides. I think it looks like this. You can
go to an Italian place and get a cheeseburger.
Yeah. You can go to a chicken place and get a
cheeseburger. Yeah. You can go to a burger place
and get a cheeseburger. Which one's usually better?
Yeah, the burger place. Yeah. And I think if
they're like, you know, anything they do is better
for them because it's personalized and they're
doing it themselves. This is what they want to
do. And I think they gloss over it and they're
not that worried about it because of that. Yeah,
that seems to make sense. Yeah, okay. And that's
just a guess. Next one is a B for whatever it
is. 87 % of Giants players have a comfortable
amount of space. 16 out of 32. Oh, that'd be
team travel, wouldn't it? Yeah, because it's
going into it right now. The players feel their
team travel schedule is not very efficient. Ranking
them 23 out of 32. That's because they got to
at least go three hours on everything usually.
Unless it's like Boston or... Yeah. Carolina,
maybe. I don't know. Yeah. No, Baltimore. Baltimore,
yeah. Probably take a bus there. Yeah. Yeah,
I mean, some of them, they probably do. Head
coach, B -plus. Okay. They all seem to like Brian
DeBall, or DeBall, or DaBall, or whatever. Yeah.
Babelsnatch. Yeah. They love Coach Babelsnatch.
He's ranked 22 out of 32. I love that. The players
who, DeBall, no, Babelsnatch. Babelsnatch. His
locker room feedback, 22 out of 32, so he listens
to him. C -plus on whatever it is. John Morrow's
average. Ownership. Ownership, yeah. Rating for
perceived willingness to invest, 7 .73, 22 out
of 32 owners in the league. Morrow moderately
contributes to a positive team culture, 22 out
of 32. So he's more probably worried about the
massage he's getting that afternoon. Yeah. The
players feel their ownership is committed to
building a competitive team, although they don't
do it right. 21 out of 32. That is it. All right.
So not a lot of things that Giants excel at.
No, no. But I kind of expected that, didn't you?
Yeah. They don't seem to be really trying all
that hard. No. All right, I got the Cleveland
Panthers here. Ranked 25th out of 32. Now, I
would think with the Cleveland Panthers team,
since they're not doing well, I would think that
they would be interested in pleasing the players
and turning things around. But they're falling
short in a lot of key areas. The players don't
like it that they're still using turf instead
of grass in the stadium. The players want natural
grass. No, I agree with them because turf ends
careers. Early. Proven. Let's see. Let's go start
off the beginning. Treatment of teen families,
B+. It's pretty good. They have daycare and a
family room during home games. Post -game family
is about 8 out of 10. Food and dining has got
a B. 14 out of 32, so they're in the upper half.
They rate their team's food 8 .2 out of 10. Freshness
is good. The dining area is good. They're very
complimentary of their director of culinary,
Tracy Hartman. A lot of players singled her out
for praise. So they're doing something right
on the food. The nutrition, they get an A-, so
they're doing really well on nutrition. Strength
coaches get an A. Everyone's happy there. Head
coach gets an A -. They're pretty happy there.
Now, here's where they fail. Locker room is a
C. Only 81 % feel they have enough room to act
in their individual lockers. That's pretty bad
when your locker itself is small. I mean, that
is so easy to correct like so many other things.
And then about the same number of players feel
that the locker room size is adequate. So a full
20 % of the team says, my locker's not big enough
and the room isn't big enough. We're crammed
in here. Wow. Yeah. Another failing grade is
the weight room. They got a C +, 27th out of
32. The rate room equipment is below average
quality, so they cheap down. Again, something.
Okay, go ahead. You know, a lot of teams do this.
I can't just concentrate on them. They do not
have enough space in their weight room. And they
do say there are ongoing upgrades, but they are
limited by the actual space in the room. So it
seems like the team is not going to give them
a larger area. They're just going to try to cram
more in that area. I don't think it's going to
make it any better. No, I don't either. Team
travel. D. 29th out of 32. I'm interested to
hear this. Yeah. 55 % of the Panthers players
feel they have a comfortable amount of personal
space. 29 out of 32. Oh, that's not, yeah. The
players believe their team's travel schedule
is not efficient to rank the 24th out of 32.
Now think about it. In their division, they go
to New Orleans, not very far away. Tampa, not
very far away. Atlanta, not very far away. No,
that's what I was thinking. I was getting a variant
on it. It's like these are simple trips. Yeah.
They're not bus trips. Anything East Coast is
a simple trip. Yeah, an hour away from everything
pretty much because they're pretty much centrally
located from Boston to Miami. Now, here's the
big thing that dropped their team travel grade
from a B -minus last year to a D this year. New
coaching staff moved the players from first class
back to economy. Oh, my God. So they were first
class. The players were in first class until
last season. Then all of them got pushed back
to economy, and the coaches and their staff get
first class. Wow. Yeah, what a slap in the face
that would have been at the beginning of last
season. I think Bryce Young is throwing it in
until they get rid of him. I think he's like,
I'm not going to do well until they get rid of
me. And ownership gets a D. Yeah, I would say
after hearing all this. 31st out of 32, so there's
only one owner lower than him, and it's probably
Cardinals. Owner Dave Tepper's average rating
for perceived willingness to invest is 6 out
of 10. Players feel that ownership is only slightly
contributing to a positive team culture, and
ownership is only somewhat committed to building
a better team. So everyone's putting the blame
on the ownership and saying, you're not doing
enough. And the owner's just like, yeah, I don't
care. I don't see the Panthers improving until
they invest in that team and start fixing things.
Nope, I don't either. That's a lot of unhappy
players. And when the team is losing and you
really don't feel like anyone in ownership or
management is trying. Yep. Wow, that's bad. You
want to go ahead with the next one? Because I
really want to hear the Cleveland Browns. All
right, Cleveland Browns. Do you hear all the
heat they're getting now? Oh, yeah. Yeah, go
ahead. Go ahead. 30 out of 32 is their record.
Believe it. All right. What we've been saying
all along, people are like, you know, they should
have kept Mayfield. People are starting to fucking,
they're madder than hell. They're saying, you
got this ass bag and you got this huge contract
when you could have kept Baker. Yeah. Yeah, go
ahead. We've been saying that all along. Yeah,
that's true. About the only thing Cleveland's
been doing right is they made a significant improvement
in building a top -of -the -line weight room,
which had been a major issue. Miles Garrett likes
it now, I guess. Yeah. It kind of surprised me
he signed with them after everything he said.
Yeah. Well, here's our ranking breakdown. They
got an A in the weight room because they just
spent the money there. They got a B -plus in
strength coaches. And they got a B - in nutrition
and dietitian. Everything else is worse. Those
are their top grades. I believe it because the
overall, the team, when they talk, when you see
them, when you see them on TV, they do not have
the same attitude as a winner. No, they look
like just guys who... Have a tough job, they
go work. Yeah, yeah, and that's it. They're kind
of like, I'm getting my check, I don't know what
else to say. Yeah. The team is in disarray. They've
got a guy that loves rubbing tugs so much that
he's probably never going to play in the league
again. And evidently that dickhead Justin Tucker
is the same way. Yeah, even though Baltimore
is trying to put a spin on it and say, oh, he's
just this, he's just that. That guy's such a
dickhead to everybody. Go ahead, I'm sorry. All
right, well, here's what Cleveland's doing wrong.
Treatment of families, D+. I believe it. They
do provide daycare on game day, but they're one
of ten teams that do not offer a family room
during home games. That's another one like we
said before. A stadium has got to have a room
somewhere for a family to go to change diapers,
let the kid have a nap, maybe breastfeed if your
kids are young enough. There's a full house in
Arrowhead Stadium. There's a full house in there.
Why couldn't they? It doesn't make sense. No.
They feel the team organizes several family events
a year, which drags them out of the dead middle.
They believe the coaches' families are treated
better than the players' families. For example,
the coaches' families have a post -game meet
-up room inside the stadium while the players'
families... They meet in a tent in the parking
lot. What the fuck? Yeah. That's the Cleveland
Browns post -game family room is a tent in the
parking lot. The players feel like a bunch of
fucking slaves, man, and that's what it is. Yeah,
they're making it very clear that the players
are not important and they really don't care
and you're replaceable, so if you don't like
it, get the hell out and look at the next guy.
That is not conductive of a winning team. No,
it's not. The treatment of families, man, that
would be such a big deal for me. Me too. Like
we talked about, someone can talk about you all
day long, but if they talk about your kid or
your mom or something, all of a sudden it's a
different ballgame. Food and dining area, C -.
Taste of the team's food, 6 .5 out of 10. Freshness,
7 .4 out of 10. Dining area, 7 .1 out of 10.
Ranking them 27, 25, and 29 out of 32, respectively.
Way at the bottom. Pretty much what I expected.
Locker room, F -. Oh, I got to hear this. Only
39 % of the players feel they have enough room
in their individual lockers. So you have 53 players
on the team. That means 8 out of those 53. feel
they have enough room. Wow, that's not good at
all. No. 29 % of the players feel the locker
room size is adequate. That means out of your
53 -man squad, six feel like the locker room
size is adequate. And also I heard that they
think their janitor peeks at them. Probably so.
Yes, that was another issue. Anyhow, no, that's
horrible. Isn't that awful? Keep going, I believe
you're good. Training room, D+. 79 % feel they
have enough full -time trainers, which still
ranks them 27th. 71 % feel they have enough cold
tub space, which ranks them 29th. The hot tub
space one got cut off. Oh, hot tub space, 50%.
That's not good either. Only half. Only half.
Only 68 % of players feel they have enough full
-time physical therapists. That's not good either.
No. They say the training room is understaffed.
And since the players responded to the survey,
the Browns have hired two additional staff members.
Not enough. So they're trying to bring it up.
Training staff, C -. Yeah, but just two? I mean,
wouldn't you overdo that and get like seven of
them? But anyhow, because it doesn't cost them
anything. But the weird thing is, it was the
training room that was rated D+. They hired training
staff, which doesn't change the training room.
No, that's right. Because training staff is a
different rating. Yeah. Yep. So, the C - on training
staff. Only 69 % feel they have enough one -on
-one training. And they feel the staff slightly
contributes to their overall success. Yeah. Weight
room is where they had a big rating increase.
Let's go to the next one. Team travel. D. 28th
out of 32. You're in the frickin' middle of the
country. Nothing is a very long flight. But 60
% of the Browns players feel they have comfortable
personal space, which means 40 % don't. And that's
eight out of your 53 players that just don't
have enough room. The players feel the team's
travel schedule is not efficient, ranking at
28th out of 32. So they can't even get, I mean,
it's things like having a flight that leaves
at 2 in the morning. Or having a flight that
has a six -hour layover somewhere. I mean, that's
the kind of thing they're talking about in convenient
travel. I realize you can't get a non -stop on
everything because I've battled it every time
we go somewhere. A six -hour layover is indicative
of the cheapest fucking flight you can get. That's
like a Spirit meets Frontier layover deal. And
it's odd because a lot of teams have their own
plane that they either own or lease. And there
are still some teams that fly commercial. And
that's where you run into the big -ass layovers.
They go with Allegiant, the one where you have
to fit their schedule. It's like, okay, we run
one to Vegas every month. Either be there or
don't. Oh, also, we're out of the downtown airport.
We're not even at KCI. Yeah. Exciting. No, actually,
I like that. You're right in. That's true. You
can take the streetcar down there. Yeah. Head
coach. C. 67 % feel that Kevin Stepanski is efficient
with their time. So a third say he's wasting
my time, man. That's fucked up. Isn't it? Well,
I would agree from what I've seen. Yeah. Oh.
And he's rated as moderately receptive to locker
room feedback, but that puts him 30 out of 32.
Everybody else is way more receptive to locker
room feedback. Why they let that go on is beyond
me. That's an easily correctable thing. Yeah,
yeah. And even though he's getting a C, it's
still, like, way worse than everybody else. This
isn't a guy you had your bet on anyhow, man.
Yeah. So, anyhow. Ownership gets a C+. Okay.
Jimmy Haslam's rating, C+. 7 .98 out of 10 for
perceived willingness to invest in the facilities.
Okay. Let's see. They believe that the ownership
is slightly contributing to a positive team culture,
29 out of 32, which means every other owner is
doing it better. And ownership is somewhat committing
to building a competitive franchise. Again, 29th
out of 32. So it means everybody else is doing
it better than you. How a team can look at this
and say, eh, good enough, let's just go into
next season. I don't get it either. I don't understand.
Especially when you're making so much money off
of this. Oh, I know. Do we want to continue these,
or do you think maybe it's getting a little redundant
at this point? Yeah, I think we can put a pause
on it for now. Okay. We're up to an hour and
40. Okay, is there anything else you want to
talk about, or are we going to probably go to
the music creeps? What do you want to do? Let's
do music creeps. All right, let's do music creeps.
I got a lot of stuff, too. I got a few things,
but... Okay. All right. Okay, we'll all announce
it on the music creeps. All right, so let's stop
this one and get a new section. Okay, sounds
good. So what do we want to tell everyone to
do? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sorry. I was looking
at stuff here. Hey, thanks for listening. Go
fuck yourself. That's it. Your mama's so fat,
Dracula bit her neck and got diabetes. Oh, no.
Looks like the show's over, kids. Mark has explosive
diarrhea and can't afford a wireless mic. Fear
not, assholes. They'll be back invading your
ear holes soon.