And now it's time for...
The Daily Deucebag Pledge.
Here at Two Deucebags in a Microphone, we don't stand behind our journalistic integrity.
Go ahead and assume we got the story wrong. At least we admit it.
Not like all those other guys, we can and will lie if it makes the story better.
Two Deucebags and a Microphone.
We Talk.
Jesus.
Have you ever wondered where something came from?
Have you ever looked at something and said,
I wonder what the origin of that is?
Well, so have we. That's why we give you...
The Origin Of.
The Origin Of...
Cohiba Cigars.
Cuban Cohiba origins trace back to the middle 1960s,
when a friend of mine who worked at the Del Castro Shirts and his private supply of cigars made by a local artisan named Eduardo Rivera.
These cigars placed Castro so much that a special reduction in the unwandered blend,
produced under tight security, was made for Castro and other top government officials.
The production of Cohiba in 1968 began as a blend for only top Cuban officials,
but began selling outside Cuba in 1982.
This is in conjunction with the 1982 World Cup.
Strange, but true.
When Howard Schnitzer had a heart attack at a grocery store in rural Minnesota in 2011,
20 people lined up and performed CPR on him for over an hour and a half until paramedics arrived.
When the paramedics arrived via helicopter, they witnessed an astonishing scene.
Mary Sedova, a Mayo Clinic flight nurse who flew in on the emergency helicopter, saying,
It was unbelievable. There were probably 20 in line, waiting their turn to do CPR.
They just kept slight clunk through.
Thankfully, but the poor yellow Schnitzer survived the ordeal.
You watched the news. It was grim.
Is this an apocalypse? Inevitable?
We suggest you download all of our podcasts beforehand and have multiple mode chargers.
We have the most apocalypse lists.
Make sure and have plenty of rope, strong threaded durable rope with a rating of 400 pounds or greater.
You need to know basic knots so you can go to the library and download the Boy Scouts Handbook
and have a reference to slip knots and other essential rope tricks.
Rope can be used in traps to catch food or would be predators.
Rope is a key ingredient in post-apocalypse survival.
Two Dish Bags and Microphone is the only podcast available anywhere with gusto.
That's right. I said gusto.
Gusto is a magical ingredient in Schlitz beer that makes it so damn delicious.
So enjoy a little gusto with your podcast today.
Two Dish Bags and a Microphone. I'm Mark here in Kansas City.
And I am Rob here at Lake of the Oatshearts.
Thank you for joining us.
We got various different things going on tonight.
We have the return of I Call Bullshit.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I always liked that one.
Yeah, well, you know what? I mean...
It kept me and you thinking, man. It really did.
Yeah. Yep. So anyhow, I found the perfect I Call Bullshit.
And I was like, you know what? Why not bring it back?
I mean, everybody liked it.
Ronnie in Tulsa is not going to be with us for a couple of months.
But he's coming back. He's got...
Yeah. Yep.
That's exactly what I told him. I said...
Yeah, he's royalty. And he knows that.
And I said, whatever you need to do is fine with us.
And he said he will be back. He said probably about two months.
So I was like, all right, Ronnie, that's cool.
And we will keep the legend alive.
Yeah. Yep. So we will always mention Tulsa King, Ronnie from Tulsa,
every episode until you come back.
Yes. Yes.
Yep. And then we have emails. We have some really good ones again.
So and anyhow, so let's see.
Took two of our dogs to the vet yesterday.
We took the pug and the older stray lab mix foster for their checkup and shots.
Right. So we have this rule.
Whoever we take to the vet gets a double cheeseburger after. Right.
And it's like it's like a little piece offering to the dogs.
It's like, OK, look, they're going to check you over, check your temperature,
give you shots. And for that, you get a double cheeseburger.
Sounds good. Right.
Yeah, I got a little story about what my mom used to do to me.
Go ahead. OK. OK. We'll get to that here in a minute.
The very next thing. So OK. So my battle with McDonald's, it lingers on now.
I went to McDonald's near us and I was like, maybe it would be different.
So Val and I tried each to each order a couple of burgers
and they tried to order the pups a burger, too.
But every time after I ordered the item, the dumb bitch kept saying,
thank you. The order is ten ninety nine or fifteen ninety nine and so on.
So every time I would have to grab her attention and say, hey, I'm not done ordering yet.
So finally, about halfway through, she gave us the order total and we just said, OK.
All right. OK. Thank you.
We'll be around. And then we just took off.
Man, you know, now, you know, I was thinking like they're doing this to make
ever, you know, purposely screwed up everything so you'd have to get their app, download their app.
Right. I think they just in my opinion, they just hire idiots.
It's nothing. It's nothing that no, they're not wanting you go.
They have. It's nothing like that. They're they're just hiring idiots.
So anyhow, speaking of food, remember the Herford House,
the one not too far from us in Leewood?
It closed down because they had that idiot contaminating the food, urine and fecal matter.
Well, another Herford House has bit the dust.
The one in Zona Rosa North is gone now, too.
I think there's only one left, maybe the lawsuits have taken their toll.
The original still alive.
No, no. The one downtown has been gone for years.
Oh, that was a whole nother hub.
That was some sort of an orcish.
Yeah, that's a different podcast.
Yeah. OK. Yeah. You know what? It is.
You know what? I don't even want to comment on that stuff.
So anyhow, Wednesday, Wednesday, I had to go visit Walmart and I was down the soft drink aisle.
I was wearing my fender shirt. Right.
And the Pepsi guy comes up and he goes, Hey, you play?
I said, Yeah, barely.
So he started talking about the greatest guitarist.
And we agreed that Eddie Van Halen was the best ever.
But the odd thing is, once again, this was an older black gentleman who loved hard rock and heavy metal.
Yeah, I'm just astounded. I didn't think there was that many out there.
He loved Randy Rhoads, Zach, Jakey Lee, Nuno Betancourt, all of them.
And then I saw him again today. This is last Wednesday. I was talking about seeing him.
I saw him again today. And one of his favorites is Steve Vai and Melmstein, Yngwie Malmsteen.
Oh, my God. Yeah. So I'm talking to him, right. And this is the Walmart near Martin City.
OK, the one on state line there. Right.
And I'm talking to him. We're talking about the old days and the old bands and stuff.
And he mentioned he goes, you know, right here where this Walmart is, we used to party.
Remember that place? He goes, we used to call it the clearing.
And I said, No shit. We used to go there all the time. Yeah.
It's a small fucking world. And I go, yeah, the clearing.
It was here and there's some over near Blue River. He goes, yeah, yeah.
And I was like, wow. Oh, my God. Yeah. Yeah. So I. What a small world.
It really is, man. And I was just like, I don't recognize the guy at all.
He didn't recognize me at all. But then again, he probably would.
You know, I had long hair and looked completely different. But yeah, we were a different group.
Yeah. But it was pretty new.
No, he listened to our music, so he probably hung out with people we knew.
You know, when I see him again, he's a Pepsi guy and he's in there on Wednesdays.
When I see him, I'm going to start dropping some names. I'll bet you he knows some people I know.
So but anyhow, some guy that was like working with him or something came up and asked him a bunch of questions.
I think he was training somebody. So I kind of got out of there.
But I did tell him, I said, you like watching guitar? Yeah.
You like watching guys play guitar, you know? He goes, yeah.
I go, go to the jam session on Knucklehead Sundays. He goes, what?
I go, yeah, Knucklehead. So he's going to go down there and check it out.
I told him, dude, it's a guitarist fucking dream. So anyhow.
So then I saw Kansas City is demolishing crack houses on the east side. Right.
And they're like all proud of it. I mean, haven't they been doing this for years, Rob?
They've been tearing them down for years, right? Oh, my God. Yeah.
Yeah. Well, yeah, they're like bragging about it on the news. And I'm like going, OK.
And you know, the addicts, this is what it is, man.
You tear it down, you fix it up, you let the same people move back in.
Yeah. And they tear it up. And so yeah, they're bragging about this.
And I'm thinking, wait a minute, they just go to another home.
They go to another abandoned home after you tear that one down and they do crack there or whatever it is, whatever drugs they choose.
You know, anyhow, I got to remember it. OK.
There's a I've worked with a crackhead for real. OK.
Anyhow, I work with them briefly. I took a stay busy extra money job thing.
I was going to be recalled when the union got busy again. And I knew this right.
And I was getting layoff pay. OK, so I didn't necessarily have to.
But I was getting bored and it was winter time. There wasn't anything going on.
So I took this shitty job and it was, you know, just to stay busy and make a few extra bucks. Right.
So anyhow, I, you know, I rented at the time.
So, you know, I didn't have a house to fix up or a yard to work on or nothing.
And it was winter. So I was kind of bored. I'm like, you know what?
I'm just going to take up some sort of a shit job.
And I was working at this dump and we would weld the dishwashing machine parts together.
The insides of the dishwashing machines. Right. OK.
There's a guy there. Everyone called Cracky when I met him.
He said his name was Gerald. Right. But he said everyone calls me Cracky.
So anyhow, he had a wooden peg leg. OK. That he received out of it.
Oh, he was. He smelt like Cracky too.
Because it's a very distinct smell. And I go, is that smell on you Cracky?
He goes, oh, yeah. Yeah. He said, I am changed clothes since I've done crack glass.
I'm like, oh, no. Great. So anyhow, the guy had a wooden peg leg.
He received from a drunk driving accident that took it took a life of a lady.
And like I said, he was smashed and he went to prison for a few years.
He was a great welder, though. He was one of the best welders I've ever seen.
He was so good. And he used he said he used to be in some sort of union.
I'm not sure which one. But then, you know, the accident and prison kind of interrupted all that.
So he informed me as a crack addict.
And when he got off work at five thirty Friday afternoon, he went and cashed his check and went straight to the crack house.
And that was a high rise right off of thirty ninth and main.
And I know that one. It's still there, actually. You probably know it, too, Rob.
It's just an old, old, tall building. I don't know, maybe eight stories or something. Ten stories.
And they're just like really. It's been years, man. It's been years.
Well, they're real dumpy apartments and they're subsidized, I believe.
So he would stay there and smoke crack until he ran out of money. And this is what he told me. He admitted it.
I'm not, you know, guessing or nothing like that. This is actually what happened.
And the guy, he didn't pay for anything because he was homeless and an addict.
He got a free bus pass to go to work and a bed every night of the week at the city in the mission.
So so he got, you know, he got a ride back and forth to work.
He got a free bus pass every week. OK, because he was right down there by the mission.
Yeah. Yeah. So and then, you know, he had a place. Yeah.
Oh, go ahead. And the bus comes right out there in front. OK. Yeah.
And it took us to it took him to this industrial area in Kansas is over near Edwardsville and where we worked.
OK. And then at night. OK. Yeah. So I think right off of 10 highway possibly.
No, no, no, no. Thirty two Kansas. Thirty two, I believe. But anyhow, it doesn't matter.
So you get out there, jump on the bus and go back to the city in your mission.
So anyhow, myself and old man named Darrell that I work next to, we work next to each other.
We used to sit in the lunch room and eat our lunch, meat sandwiches, you know, ham, fucking whatever. Right.
Baloney, all the cheap shit. Right. And Cracky would get his meal out of the refrigerator.
And Cracky ate expensive meals every day like Stroud's chicken, Jack's at barbecue, Cascone's Italian, plus many other choices. Right.
And and we're sitting there, man, Darrell, going, how in the hell is this guy in a mid crack addict?
He spends every penny he makes on crack and everything else is free.
How does he afford this expensive meals? And we can't afford him and we don't do crack. Right.
So so Darrell and I were like talking, we said, you know what? He's honest about being a crack addict.
Let's just go ask him. Well, it turns out like Monday night is Catholic services, free meals, Tuesday's Operation Uplift,
the weekends where I forgot all the places. But there is all these there's all these help like churches
and homeless shelters and and houses, you know, for straight people or whatever.
I'm not sure whatever they call them. So anyhow, and I'm not making fun of this.
I, you know, he said that what he would do is every night he had at least two places he could go eat in these places.
What they did is they went to these restaurants and they got the leftover and catering food and they used it to feed people like Cracky.
And so and then they said, well, I go there and I eat that night. I eat like he said, I eat like fucking I eat like a pig.
They said, then they packed me a lunch for the next day. Me and Darrell like, oh, what the fuck?
A crackhead eats better than us. And he did. We're kind of wondering who was crazy. Maybe we were.
Well, you know, he's like, this guy's having a blast. You don't have to worry about anything.
And he kept bitching. He goes, man, he goes, I got to be see you.
You mission it. I lights out at nine p.m.
And this is during the week because the weekends he would go to that place on Thursday night to main that that dump and do crack with his friends until his money ran out.
So during the week, he stayed at City Union Mission. He said, man, nine o'clock, we'd have to listen to a Bible sermon and then go to bed.
That was bullshit, man. They make us go to bed at nine. I'm like, they can do it. It's a free place to live.
It's warm. Geez. I don't think that's that big of a deal. You know, you know, you're not paid.
You're eating a better lunch than anybody on the fucking job.
He's eating a better dinner than anybody else on the job. Yeah.
Yeah. And then, you know, see you. You mission lets him stay there every night, you know, because, you know, probably because he's an addict, I guess.
The peg leg probably hurts, too. You know, doesn't hurt either.
I remember I heard I had my welding hood on and I could tell whenever he's walking by because I could hear him scraping that shit on the concrete.
I'm like, hey, Cracky. Hey, what's up, Mark? Not much.
It was really it was bizarre. Anyone that like, I don't know, sat back and thought about like I did when I'm like, I cannot believe this.
This is something. And I just remember this because I saw him talking about the crack houses.
Like, this is shit that people are like, what? And it's like unbelievable unless you're there living it.
And you're like, yeah, that shit really happens.
So so anyhow, I mean, you know, and he and he had grozos, jazz, jack stack, all these places.
And anyhow, every now and then he fucking he'd tear us off a chunk, you know, he'd have a bunch of food.
But we would only touch the stuff that was still wrapped, not the stuff that he unwrapped.
Yeah, yeah. Every now and then he'd break us off a chunk of lasagna from Cascone's or something. And he'd go, hey, guys, man, I am so fucking full guys here, man.
Hey, hey, here, have some lasagna. They're like fucking animals. Can we can we? Yeah. Thanks.
So anyhow, that is my crack story. I got a bunch more stuff that I could talk about.
But you know what, Rob, you you had a story you want to talk about that I reminded you of at the very first.
You want to go into that? Which one was that? Oh, shit. What? What? I got my mind on another story.
Oh, OK. Well, all right. Go ahead. Go ahead.
Do you want me to keep going?
No, no, I'm going to go into my first story. Yeah, I told you to face it off because I'm going to turn on this and what you were saying.
The crack thing. Yeah, cracky. Pretty interesting.
It's been a long day, man. It's been a long day.
It has been a long day. Anyhow.
A Missouri high schooler managed to take the last spot available to be part of the season of The Voice on Monday night's episode.
This isn't close to home. OK. Trevin Dawson, a 17 year old from the mid Missouri town of Cole Camp.
Oh, yeah. Covered country singer Bailey's Emblem and song religiously during his audition.
What he didn't know was that there was only one spot left on Adam Levine's team.
You are you are going to have the highest state performance because our teams are full.
There is one spot left for the season and it's Adams coach.
Kelsey Ballerini told me after the performance. Wow.
He was he went on his performance did not even realize there was one spot available.
And this boy from Cole Camp, Missouri, nailed it. Awesome. Awesome.
I'm proud of this boy. I am too.
I didn't watch it. I just ran across it online.
That's very cool. I'll watch it. You can look it up online. They have all of it online.
Well, here's the thing. Adam Levine picked him up.
That's good.
And he's a country singer.
You know what? I think Adam Levine could probably do well on country teaching someone.
Oh, yeah. He could.
Yeah. I mean, pop country is always big. So he's going to be fine.
I think this boy was so good that everybody else is full up to somebody. Thank you.
Yeah. Yeah. Because it's getting towards the end.
You know who else is from Cole Camp, Missouri, don't you?
Who? Colonel Buck Roeble. The wrestler.
Really? Yeah. He's from Cole Camp. I didn't know that.
Yeah. Yep. Yep. They used to actually say it for a while there.
But he's probably dead by now. But I mean, you know, this is all star wrestling back on the rerun channel at the time, the independent station, Channel 41.
He's probably dead by now.
Yeah. I'm pretty sure he was kind of old back then. But anyhow, yeah. Colonel Buck Roeble was from Cole Camp.
Very interesting. So anyhow, so him and this guy.
No, that is something I did not know.
Yeah. Yep. And I think there's another one from Lake Ozark Reef. Well, Harley Race. That's where he was like born down that area. But there's another one too. But anyhow.
Well, yeah. Harley Race started a wrestling school in Elton.
Yeah. Yeah. And I think he was born around that area. And when he was a child, he was in that area. Then he moved to Kansas City.
Yeah. There's like a Dark Side of the 90s, the wrestling stuff. A lot of it's on there. They have a Harley Race one on there.
And there are a lot of stuff that I found out about the guy that I didn't know. Like he had a first wife and he almost died because he was in a head on wreck.
And I think it was like Christmas night or something. It was snowing and a truck hit them head on. And he almost died. And his first wife did. And I said, wow, I didn't know that.
Yeah. And then he had a bad boat wreck down here. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah. It really like paralyzed a chick and something else.
Did it kill one of them and paralyze one of them? Yeah. Yeah. I think it killed one and paralyzed the other. Stuff like that. Yeah.
I don't know. But was he suspected drunk driving? I don't know if he was or not.
Originally, yeah, I don't exactly know what they were thinking.
OK, you know what? We don't know. He's dead. I don't want to slander his name. So I don't know.
I don't either. I mean, his son is now world champion. So yeah, that's fine.
His son is?
Cody Rhodes.
Rhodes, not Race.
Oh, no. Rhodes. Rhodes. Sorry. Sorry.
OK. I'm not going. How did I miss you? How did I miss a young herd? See what?
Happy birthday, Rob. Everybody. It's Rob's birthday.
March 5th, 19, Dickety, seven or eight or nine. He was born.
So. OK. 1969, Rob was born and he had a huge penis, a huge penis.
It was so huge that they couldn't put the diaper over his over him.
So they had to let him shit and piss everywhere all over the floor. It was really crazy.
Anyhow. All right. You know, we have some emails. That's how good we'll come right back.
No. Yeah, yeah, let's share the break. Let's get back to emails. All right.
We will be right back. Oh, shit. What's that over there? Oh, no.
I want to horrible jokes.
What do you call a bundle of hay in church? Christian Bale.
Remember to bleach your Bluetooth after every show.
Two dish bags of microphone in an effort to keep everything fresh.
We offer you first world problems.
My 76 inch smart HDMI, triphonic stereo TV.
My remote won't work unless I'm right in front of it.
I can't believe it. This is bullshit.
Next up, things overheard in hell.
Man, Axel Rose is such a great childhood therapist.
I hope he writes more books.
They used to call it jump or leave until your mama got on it.
Hi there. This is your ears.
Why are you listening to this garbage?
I thought we were friends.
Hey there, fuck stick.
You're just in time for brand new feature news nobody gives a shit about.
At any given airport, at any given 60 seconds,
you're actually breathing in at least three farts.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien. Real hilarity.
You have the personality of a soggy newspaper.
Next up, things overheard in hell.
Day-right cola is the only soft drink available in hell.
Two douchebags and microphone. I'm the Mark portion of it here in Kansas City.
And I am the Rob portion in Legaleo's Arts.
Alright, let's see, did you get any snow there last night?
Actually, yeah we did. The gravel and the pavement was just wet.
They gathered on the grass and the vehicles.
It's all melted off by now.
Most of ours melted. All of ours has melted pretty much.
Yeah, it's gone.
Now we're supposed to get to 60s and 70s for the next two weeks.
75 like next Tuesday, which is great.
I know.
Because we had like blizzard conditions. It was actually a blizzard last night I believe.
Yeah, I know. That's what they were calling for. I'm like, are you kidding me?
I know, the second one of the year.
It's too damn warm.
I know, and it was. All day is like 60 degrees. It's beautiful.
And then all of a sudden, I don't know, about 8 o'clock, all of a sudden the winds kicked in.
And the winds are like, they recorded an 80 mile an hour wind gusts.
And this is non-severe weather. This is just like a really strong low pressure system.
And anyhow, that's how come we had the blizzard like conditions because the snow was going sideways.
And I got a bunch of limbs I got to pick up. So that 75 degree Tuesday coming up is going to come in handy.
Yeah, well, we had rain pretty much all day yesterday.
We did too.
And then. Yeah, and it just turned into that. It ain't going to last.
I mean, we were just in the 70s the other day.
Well, I didn't think anyone was going to stick because it didn't stick for the longest time.
A couple hours it didn't stick. We're kind of lucky.
Like I said, it was all vehicles and grass and anything sitting other than concrete or cement.
Ours ended up sticking. But of course, we're a few degrees cooler than you.
Ours did end up sticking after a while, but it took it a while because the ground was still warm.
So anyhow, hey, let's go to some emails. You want to do that?
Yeah. All right. This is man. I'll tell you, these guys are awesome.
That are the people that listen to our podcasts are awesome because I tell you they can form their own and kick our ass.
They're so good. I'm telling you, they kick up on everything.
I know. Which is it's very flattering because I talked to our friend, you know,
and he told me to calm down on what we're talking about, what he does.
So, OK, so our friend, he said that that is really good that they catch all the details.
So that's very, you know, that doesn't happen a lot.
So, yeah, so maybe we're doing something right.
Anyhow, guys, we're all waiting for the info on Knob Lick.
Ready to kick Montrose to the curb. All three people in Titewad. That was that's what it was signed.
Oh, Titewad, dude, my buddy.
Yeah.
I heard from them in a while.
Oh, they want Montrose out. They want Montrose out. They want Knob Lick.
Oh, yeah, they got tire meat coming to them for fucking car parts.
So anyhow, all three people in Titewad, you're getting your wish.
They're 70s models.
Oh, man. The only thing is when I re-put together the new pledge and all that stuff,
I got to find out what I did with the KY spoof, the KY salute that I did.
Yes.
Sounds like an old KY promo. It's somewhere on here, but I don't know what I labeled it,
and I kind of find that because I want to put that. I want that and I'm really proud of that one.
I'm probably the most proud of that one than anything else that I've done.
And I want that on every beginning. So I want to put together the same way.
The disclaimer, hey, man, you know, we have no integrity, all that stuff.
And then the KY, I want to put it like that.
So when I do the new one and then the guy that did it, I forgot his name, Todd or something.
Anyhow, he doesn't do voiceovers anymore, so I got to find someone else to do it.
So it's going to be a different voice. I kind of liked him doing it, but you know, anyhow.
We got to come up with something special for Nob Lee.
Yeah, maybe we'll have Chad do it. He's still around.
Is he?
Yeah, he is. I just wanted something to do.
I wanted some variation, but you know, Chad will work. He's really good.
I'm sure he appreciates you remember his name this time.
I know. Yeah, I got a little shit from him about that.
Because he does listen.
No, no, you got, you could come up to him like, I said, you remember me?
Oh, I felt like an asshole.
He told me he was going to raise our rates.
So, anyhow, I told him.
We'll gratefully pay it. We're sorry.
I know. I said we deserve it. I said you want to come kick us in the ass. That's okay. Whatever.
But evidently I don't know where he lives, but he doesn't live close enough to drive over and kick us in the ass.
That's all I know. So, anyhow.
Hey, I'm two and a half hours away. I'm not worried.
You don't know, he might look closer to you than me.
He could be. Yeah, you might be right.
Yeah. You know what? Chad's cool with us now, I guess.
So, all right. He said he would do it. So, he's cool with us.
All right. Douchebags. You're starting to grow up a little bit, it sounds like.
I'm not sure if I like that or not.
Carrie in Ocala.
Um, I guess.
Florida. Yeah. Florida. Yeah, Ocala. Yep.
Yeah, no, no. My mom and stepdad used to own a place in Ocala and they were, they go down there in the winter.
Um, was this Ron?
Huh?
Was this Ron? Oh, no. That's not him.
Your stepdad?
My stepdad, Steve.
Oh, okay. Okay. All right.
My last stepdad, yeah.
Okay. Okay. All right. I was just.
Ron was my biologic.
Oh, that's right. That's right. I'm sorry. Okay.
Yeah.
Okay. Um.
Then I had Tom.
Okay.
Which is Duke's dad.
Oh, the Duke. How's the Duke doing?
Yeah. He's doing good. Doing good. Yeah, doing really good.
That's good. Um, all right. Since Ron is.
I talked to him a little bit.
Oh, cool. Well, tell him we said hi, but he'll, he listens, so he'll hear this, right?
Yep. Yep. Good.
All right. Duke, we love you. You got to come on this show.
We got to have you on here. He knows this, right?
Oh, yeah. I can't wait.
Okay, cool. All right. We'll figure it out.
Um, next one. Since Ron is moving, he shouldn't be able to retain the Tulsa King title.
Vez and Gary, Indiana. Bullshit.
No. No. No. No. No.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Why is somebody in Gary, Indiana, disputing Tulsa King?
Bingo. Yeah. Yeah. How do you know? He might have moved down the road.
He might have moved just down the road and he's still in the Tulsa area.
So, no, Gary.
Maybe he owns a mansion. He's moving everything himself. Who knows?
That's probably it right there. That's what I would say.
That's his business. That's his business.
I don't care if he moves to Tusca fucking Lusa. He's still Tulsa King if he wants to be.
He could move to New Orleans just to be Tulsa King.
That's right. He could move to Timbuktu and he'd still be fucking Tulsa King.
Vez, listen. No. No. Don't go there.
Ronnie is royalty. He's always going to be.
He is on the Mount Rushmore of our listeners. He's there.
You're not.
All right. RC Cola is just gross.
I'm just saying. Meg the Peg in New Hampshire.
Fuck off, Meg.
You got anything?
Who calls himself the Peg anyhow? Meg the Peg.
No. No. No.
I told you. That's what I would say.
You are no longer there, Peg. We took you out of our mansion.
No. You're not there. You don't exist.
All right.
Mark, you can't stand corn syrup?
Have you tried Heinz Simply Ketchup?
No corn syrup. Just real sugar.
Lawn and KCK. Yeah. Yeah. It's my favorite ketchup. That and Whataburger.
Whataburger has real sugar and there is too.
Lawn and KCK has a spicy ketchup with real sugar in it that will just kick your fucking dick in the dirt.
It's so good.
That sounds good.
Oh, it is. You know what? I think they sell them in bottles at Price Chopper.
I get there. When I get there.
Yeah. You got to take one home or five.
Yeah. It's good shit. So you're a ketchup fan too?
Oh, definitely. Yeah. Ketchup. Ketchup on eggs. Yeah. Everything.
Me too. But not steak. Cannot do it on steak.
No. No. No. No. No. That is sacrilegious.
Yeah. I would agree. But yeah, Lawn, you're right. Yeah. Simply Heinz Simply is the best ketchup that you can get in any grocery store.
You can't get Whataburger anywhere. But I mean, the Whataburger Regular and the Heinz Regular taste really similar.
And I can't say which is better. I love them both.
But now if you go to the Spicy, they don't have the Spicy Simply Heinz, but they do have the Spicy Whataburger Ketchup.
So, anyhow, it's good stuff.
Okay. Next one. Mark and Rob. I'm thinking about buying a trench coat and wearing it to be cool.
What do you think? Max and Orkin. Yeah.
I think you're about 30 years behind and I think you'll get shot.
I think you wear it with nothing but undies on underneath. Whitey tighties and tube socks and sneakers and no shirt.
And any time anyone says anything to you, you open it up. Do what?
Okay. Go with Mark's advice. Yes. That's what you do.
You will be the coolest person ever if you do that. Sorry. I kind of grew up a little bit.
Why not? Why not? Max and Orkin, that's what you do. You will be the coolest person ever. Good.
People will follow you around. They'll worship you. Tidy whitey's only. Tidy whitey's only. That's it.
All right. Next one. There is still a shoe repair shop here in Houston.
They do really well, especially fixing expensive work boots. Roger, Missouri City.
I don't doubt that. All I know is it just kind of took me back. This guy is, what's his name? Roger.
Okay. Okay. Oh, Missouri City. Yeah, in Texas. Yeah. Okay.
What were you going to say? Is that it?
Well, no. Missouri City. There is a Houston, Missouri, not far from me.
No, no. You're right. There's a Missouri City, Texas. It's here in Houston.
Missouri City, Texas. Yes. Yeah. So, yeah, yeah. I don't doubt there are still shoe repair shops.
But this just took me back because you and I both remember the store that my dad went to to get that receipt.
And it was just like a little bit of a shock.
I used to go there. My dad used to go there.
Yeah. You know, my dad used to wear those black dress shoes. I mean, I don't care if he's in the fucking garden.
He wore those things. And anyhow, those were the kind that you repaired.
I don't know how expensive they were or whatever.
But if the sole started fucking up on that, he would take it into that DeLuca shoe repair and have it repaired.
And I found that receipt not too long ago. I'm like, wow. It was just really cool.
It was a nostalgic thing.
Yeah, it was. And I was just like, all these emotions were like, wow, I remember this.
I remember going in there with my dad and he's like, oh, yeah, this is my shoe.
I need it repaired. The guy, Mr. DeLuca, be like, oh, hey, yeah, yeah, sure. Yeah, sure, John.
Yeah, that sounds cool. You know, and you know, it's just it was really cool.
And like you said, there's one in Truman Corners and one in Belton.
So all righty. Next one. So just how much is a BK cigar?
You said three hundred for a small Robusto.
I almost said it wrong again. You said it correctly. I know I'm working on it.
I listen to that podcast and I sounded so fucking horrible on that.
I'm like, no, no, no. After all the hell you caught after I have to.
I know. Geez. And that wasn't the only two emails I got.
Other people are making fun of me, too.
So anyhow, be heck a cigar. You said three hundred for a small Robusto Robusto.
I guess the actual price has to be insane. Clay in Vancouver.
OK, Clay in Vancouver, you can buy them. I've seen them there.
I've been to Vancouver. They sell the heck is there.
And you can look for yourself how much they are.
You're probably going to be spending at least a grand on one.
And I'm not joking. And I mean, especially with Canadian prices for a grand,
I would not smoke one. Three hundred dollars. I would.
That was doable. But I'm not going to spend a grand on something that's going to be gone in like an hour.
And, you know, it won't make any impact on my life. Right.
You know, so I mean, it is cool. It is cool to smoke one.
It is very good. But, you know, all right.
Finally, hey, what's the difference between a lake and a pond?
Just curious Mitch in Southern Cass County. You should know if you live in Southern Cass County.
Oh, come on.
The difference between. Come on, man.
Yeah, I don't even know if we ought to answer. Actually, I know.
In Southern Cass County, you should know the difference between a lake and a pond.
You were probably born in a fucking pond, dude. What the hell?
OK. OK. Here's the deal. A pond.
This is true. And I think you probably know this, Rob, because you grew up around here.
OK. Yes, I know. A pond.
Sunlight will reach every inch of a pond.
It can't be any deeper than that. If sunlight does not hit the bottom, it's a lake.
And that's pretty much it.
True.
Yeah. Yeah. So what is his name?
I know.
You're a big guy, son.
I've got to find the guy's name again.
I throw these things in the trash way too soon. Mitch.
Wait a minute. Is this the same Mitch?
Mitch.
Oh, Mitch. Fuck you.
He's screwing with us.
Rob, I turn to you. What a fucking asshole. He got us.
Oh, no, no, no. I got one more email.
Oh, OK.
But it was one. OK.
I don't know how many people caught it. I did. And I announced tomorrow.
Our Sunday night show got messed up.
Mm hmm.
But we had emails on that and we had one email that I want to reach out to.
Desmond, we had somebody email us that used to hang out with us at Jess and Jim's parking lot.
Rob Camaro, do you remember the email?
Yes. And actually, you know what? That's here somewhere.
Now that everybody can hear it, I want to give acknowledgement to Desmond. Thank you for reaching out, buddy. I hope we can reconnect.
Yeah, he had the blue Camaro and the rat tail, the long rat tailed dive horn.
Yes, I remember him all to. Yeah.
I got to find that because I got to read some of those emails because I forgot about that. The email section was affected and I want everybody that wrote emails and I want, you know, the ones that we wanted to talk about. I want to do them again.
But you know what?
Desmond was one of them and I want to read knowledge.
OK, doesn't we are sorry.
Yeah, yeah. Sorry about that. So Desmond, since you don't know, we read your email off and Rob remembers you really well and I kind of remember you and I apologize.
Yeah, we all used to hang out. Yeah, it was a good time in life.
It's not the personal I just, you know, I just don't remember shit like I used to. I'm going to find the emails. I have them here somewhere and I'm going to read them.
Yep. And that is probably why you remember him so well, because I was probably.
You know what? I believe it. I mean, if it's guy I think of, he's like really easy to get along with. He always played hacky sack, right?
Oh, he was. Oh, fuck yeah. We played hacky sack forever.
Yeah, OK. I know who he is.
Yeah, that was Desmond. Yeah.
Desmond, write us again. Call in.
What are you doing, brother? What are you doing, brother?
Call in. We'd love to hear from you. I'm sure you got stories we don't remember.
Let me know how my Camaro's doing.
I wonder if he still owns it or not.
He probably don't. Do any of us own the cars back in age? No.
No, no. I wish I had my Ford Pino back. No, not really.
I wish I had my Caprice back, honestly.
I wish I had my Dodge Dart. You remember that bastard?
Yeah, that was a good car.
Oh, man, that was a running son of a bitch. Oh, that thing.
Yes, it was.
I forgot the kind of motor it had in it. Shit.
Oh, well, you know what? It doesn't matter.
Anyhow, Rob, you got something you want to go into.
Yeah, I do.
Kraft Heinz is entering the alcohol market with its brand Crystal White.
I got to throw away my story. I got one, too. Go ahead.
The company announced on Tuesday it will be introducing Crystal.
I don't even know how to pronounce this. It's L-I-R-E-A-G-H-T vodka refreshers.
It's certain northeastern retailers this month.
The upcoming refreshers will feature a delicious blend of Crystal White signature flavors,
triple filtered vodka, and light carbonation.
The company touted them as the lowest calorie, rated-rate cocktail in the market.
According to Kraft Heinz, the calorie crown of a Crystal White vodka refresher will clock in at 77 calories with zero sugar.
Their ABV will be 3.8%.
Yeah, that was the part that—
Yeah, it's a wine group.
Yeah, anyhow, Rob.
The company will offer wild strawberry and lemonade flavoring during the initial launch. They will come in $9.99, four-packs.
Cool.
So, yeah, $10 for a four-pack.
But yeah, they're mixing Crystal White with vodka now.
I guess, okay, this is what I understand through my wife. They've been doing this for a long time. People have. They've been mixing.
Yeah, they have.
Yeah, and I didn't know this. I guess it's been a big thing, so I guess now Crystal White's like, hey, let's just make our own and sell them like that.
So I bet it does good because I didn't know it was a big thing. Did you? Well, it sounds like you knew.
No. No, I just read it up. Yeah, I just read this.
Oh, okay. All right.
I didn't ask all your stories, though.
No, I just found that today, and I was like, wow. It's cool, man, because, I mean, it's just a story.
Oh, yeah, it's still good, like another wine group.
Yeah. That's cool.
And Crystal White was a big name back in the day.
Yeah, it actually still is.
A lot of people drink, is it?
Yes. It still sells a lot. I still see it.
People down here don't talk about it that much.
Okay. Well, I mean, I'm not sure if it's like as big as it used to be, but I know it's still around. I still see it and hear of it and stuff, so.
Okay.
Well, it's called Kraft Heinz, isn't it? So.
Yeah, it's got to be pretty big.
I did not know.
If Kraft Heinz has it, it's got to be pretty, you know, it's got to be a pretty solid product, probably, selling-wise, all that popularity.
So.
Okay. Thank you, Rob.
All right.
Let's see. I got an iCall Bullshit, and I also have this story, this Instagram guy that I fucking terrorized.
Which one do you want to hear?
Okay.
iCall Bullshit, always a treat.
Okay. Let's take our.
Bad butt.
Yeah.
Yeah, let's go with, yeah, let's go with iCall Bullshit.
Okay. Let's take our second break, and I'll come back with iCall Bullshit.
Sounds good.
Have you ever wondered where something came from? Have you ever looked at something and said, I wonder what the origin of that is?
Well, so have we. That's why we give you The Origin of.
What is the origin of Mountain Dew?
Tennessee bottlers Barney and Ally Hartman developed Mountain Dew as a mixer in the 1940s.
Soft drinks were sold regionally in the 1930s, and the Hartmans had difficulty in Knoxville obtaining their preferred soda to mix with liquor, preferably whiskey.
So the two developed their own now known as Mountain Dew.
And now, a brand new feature, strange consults from an alien.
May you always step in a wet spot after putting on fresh socks.
Hello, this is Satan. You might know me from my pet name, Inflation.
I'm here to tell you that there's no better way to relax than listening to two douchebags in microphone by a nice warm fire at night.
I sit there and reflect on all the souls I burned that day. Enjoy.
Somewhere in the heavens, your great Grammy Gertrude is crying because her little Bevo is listening to this film.
The apocalypse just happened. You don't know what to do. You don't know where to go. But we can tell you what you can eat.
Dirt and apocalypse, don't forget the nuts. Hickory nuts, that is.
Yeah, we know. Hickory wood gets all the glory and all the love. Everyone loves the Hickory trees. They cut them down and they make great sandwiches out of barbecue and meats.
They smoke them and it's a fantastic deal. But little does anyone know about the Hickory nuts.
Dirt and apocalypse Hickory nuts could be the best thing you could find.
Hickory nuts can be eaten raw, toasted, or added to various recipes. Their rich buttery flavor and crunchy texture make them an ideal ingredient for both sweet and savory dishes.
You can use Hickory nuts to make nut butter, pesto, or even a unique Hickory nut milk.
There are five types of Hickory nuts.
Bitter nut Hickory, Shag Bark Hickory, Pig Nut Hickory, Mockernut Hickory, and Smooth Bark Hickory.
Hickory trees are considered part of the walnut species and are plentiful, at least around Missouri and surrounding areas.
So, Dirt and Apocalypse, don't forget to grab your nuts.
Two dish bags and microphone in an effort to keep everything fresh. We offer you first world problems.
Man, my internet is so slow. This is bullshit. How am I supposed to browse or get on TikTok with slow internet?
I'm so pissed off right now. I don't know what to do.
Jam X. What the hell happened?
You were the generation of change.
You never wanted to be one of them.
At the theater, spoke for you.
Huck the man. Huck the system.
What the hell happened?
The generation of angst. The generation of noncompliance.
Is now buying a boat.
You're really fed up until someone dangles a dollar near you.
Great job, Xers. Everything's ruined.
Two dish bags and microphone. I'm Mark on the Kansas City end.
I'm Rob on the Lake and Hills arch end.
Alright, Rob, do you want to hear an I call bullshit? I have one right here in my filthy little mitts.
Oh no, it looks like someone's on their high horse again.
This is another episode of I call bullshit.
Alright, so I'm calling bullshit because people are saying that Nostradamus may have predicted Pope Francis's death.
He may or may not be dead right now. Who knows? I mean, you know, the Vatican does some strange things.
And maybe they need to spin it their spin or whatever. So he might already be dead.
But if not, he's probably going to not last that long, right? He's very old.
He's having things that he probably can't overcome, right?
So that's what I've been hearing. Yeah.
Yeah. So anyhow, people are saying that Nostradamus called this.
And I'm going to go into it right now.
Nostradamus made a startling prediction about Pope Francis's death and successor.
Do you believe us or not? Well, you know, I don't because I'm calling bullshit on it.
Experts are saying that French astrologist and soothsayer Michael D. Nostradamus or Nostradamus may have already predicted Pope Francis's death and successor.
Referred to as the prophet of doom, Nostradamus is believed by some to have foretold major world events such as the Great Fire in London, Adolf Hitler's rise to power, the September 11th attacks and COVID-19 pandemic and last year's New Year's Day earthquake in Japan.
In his famed book, you know what? Anyhow, published in 1555, he had a book. Nostradamus gifted the world predictions of wars. Sorry, it was all smudge. So I'm not sure what is. I don't remember what his book name is.
It was smudge. So I skipped over it.
Anyhow, he wrote a book in 1555. Nostradamus gifted the world predictions of wars, pestilence, natural disasters, civil unrest, political assassinations and other doom and gloom.
The latest of his vague and sometimes obvious predictions, which heretics have latched onto is Pope Francis's critical condition.
Back in the 16th century, Nostradamus wrote, through depth of a very old point, if a Roman of good age will be elected of him, it will be said that he weakens.
He will be seen, but long will he sit in biting activity. He then added, in the final persecution of the Holy Roman Church, there will sit Peter the Roman, who will pasture his sheep in many tribulations.
And when these things are finished, the city of Seven Hills will be destroyed and the dreadful judge will judge his people in the end.
Pope Francis is supposedly currently on his 20th day of hospitalization for complications of a lung infection that has caused early stages of kidney insufficiency, the Vatican said.
Now, Rob, is there anything you heard besides a Roman of certain older age is going to be elected, right?
Okay. Do you hear anything else in there that says Pope Francis is an older pope that's going to die?
And did you hear anything at all in there that said so-and-so is going to take his place?
No, I did not.
Me neither. I call bullshit because there's a lot of people out there that are easily swayed.
But if I remember right, I heard that same thing when the last pope died.
Bravo, Rob. Bravo. Yes, you did.
Seriously, I like not to die.
Me too.
I pay attention, not to die. I pay attention, stuff like that.
I love stuff like that.
I remember as you were reading that, I was thinking, man, I heard that before.
It was on the last pope.
Was it the last pope of Spanish descent or something and they had some big deal?
Yeah, it was.
Okay. And supposedly the Dostodamus called the Spanish descent pope or something like that.
And then again, that stuff was vague and silly and who knows if he even wrote it.
This stuff right here, I don't know. I mean, I don't have that book, whatever it is.
I'll have to look the book name up because for some reason it put a block over the name of it and it smudged it.
I don't know why. I don't know if they're copyright thing. I don't know.
But anyhow.
Well, no, it's probably because he's not dead yet.
Possibly, possibly. So anyhow.
The last reports I've seen, he is not dead yet, but they're expecting to.
Yeah, yeah. He may very well not be, but if he is already, it would not surprise me one bit that they're gathering what they're going to do.
Yeah, and they're keeping it from the world right now.
Yeah, yeah. They got to figure out who the successor is.
This is my opinion.
You know what, Rob, go ahead. Start a story.
Okay. Scientists have genetically engineered mice with some key characteristics of an extinct animal that was floored larger.
The woolly mammoth.
Cool.
This woolly mouse works an important step for achieving the researchers ultimate goal, bringing a woolly mammoth-like creature back from extinction, they say.
For us, it's an incredibly big deal that Shibaro, chief science officer at Colossal Biopharmacist, a Dallas company trying to reconstruct the woolly mammoth and other extinct species.
The company announced the creation of the woolly mouse.
Yes, I'm sorry, I'm having an hard time saying that. The woolly mice.
That's okay.
As I looked at the picture.
Tuesday, a new group imposed a scientific paper online detailing the achievement. Scientists implemented genetically modified embryos in female lab mice and gave birth to the first of the woolly moths in October.
Okay, I'm going to stop right there because I'm looking at this picture of these mice, dude.
Cool.
There's supposed to be like woolly mammoths, but they're mice.
Oh, are there pictures of them?
I'm looking at the dog that's holding up with his rubber glove on. There's two of them. And they look like they must've.
I look, and their hair is like, yeah. They actually look just like hamsters, kind of. They look like small hamsters.
It looks like they got moose.
They look like my hair used to when I had long hair.
Oh my gosh.
Have you seen the comparison between, look at the comparison on CNN science.
They have a comparison of a regular mouse and then the woolly mouse.
It just looks like they made a hamster.
It is funny though. It looks like my old hairstyle when I had long hair.
It really does.
It looks like they got into the aquanet.
Wow. That is funny.
I mean, I still ask why.
Why do you need a woolly mouse?
Hey, you know what I got? I got ass padlins we haven't got to in a while. I've had this for quite a while.
Hey, it's a birthday present.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right. It's a birthday ass padling for people that need it.
I get to swat somebody else's ass for my birthday.
That's right. There you go.
See, only at two douchebags and a microphone do you get to do that.
Well, if you're the co-host.
Okay, the whole story behind this is, and I know a lot of you people know it.
Yes, and I get sore.
Okay. All right. So, oh, and someone's trying to get me to tell the ball-biter story again, too.
And I sent him back. I said, no, I said I'm never going to tell it again.
Okay.
Thank you. I'm tired of hearing about it.
Yeah, I mean, it's everywhere. I've probably done it four or five times. Just so you'll find it.
So anyhow, all right. So, ass padling started a long time ago, maybe our fourth episode or something.
Me and Topher were doing the original douchebags.
And so now Topher is Sports Bastards and Music Creeps, soon to go into the real story or something like that.
We're kicking out some ideas and we're talking about great hoaxes and stuff like that.
And we're going to tell you something the way that everybody thought something was going to go and then what really happened.
Okay. Or everyone thought something happened, but what really happened.
And we're going to call it like Paul Harvey, the rest of the story.
This is going to be like the real story or poof, poof, the wrong or something like that.
So anyhow, so Topher was part of this right here.
I like that. I like that.
We're getting pretty excited about this. And Rob, you know, you're a part of it.
You're going to help us with it.
Yeah.
Okay. Anyhow, ass paddling originated like the fourth episode of the original douchebags.
And we decided that people need ass paddling because they've been stupid asses.
And so Topher and I were on vacation in Florida.
And I believe this is Fort Lauderdale Beach.
We're walking in the sand in the morning.
The sun was rising and the wind was gentle.
It was blowing her back a little bit and the sun was shining off of it.
And we were not holding hands like Rob and the Duke, his brother says.
We were not holding hands.
Two men can have a tender moment without holding hands, but them too, they refuse to accept it.
So we're walking along and I stubbed my toe on something.
It hurt like hell. I'm like, oh shit.
And Topher looks down and he goes, it looks like a genie's bottle.
I'm like, that is not.
I go down there and look at it. I go, hey dude, I think it's a genie's bottle.
He's like, no shit.
So I pop it open and poof, a genie pops out.
So Topher and I are like, hey, we get three wishes.
The genie hated us.
He was so condescending. He thought we were a couple of rogues.
And he goes, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You guys watch too much TV.
You get one wish, one wish only.
Make it count.
Maybe in cancer, childhood hunger, something.
Make it count, guys.
And Topher and I looked at each other and said, you know,
we want to turn invisible so we can paddle people's asses that need it.
The genie very reluctantly rolled his eyes and said, very well, I have to.
But he didn't want to.
So now once a month, and now with special permission from the genie,
Rob gets to join in on this.
We turn invisible and we paddle people on the ass that we deem needed.
And this paddle is a replica of Old Sparky.
Old Sparky was the paddle that impressed my ass several times at
Cas Midway High School.
He has a very long stock and a very long paddle size to him with holes in it
that really, really hurt one's buttocks when it was administered.
So it is a replica.
And the last I knew Old Sparky was hanging up retired in the trophy case
at Cas Midway when you walk in the main hallway.
I don't know if he's still there.
I haven't been there yet.
We heard about it itself.
We heard that was one bad ass paddle.
Yeah, he was a mean son of a bitch.
And he affected many, many bottoms around there for many, many years.
So anyhow, this is a replica of Old Sparky, which is no joke.
Old Sparky is the real thing.
So here's the people who get ass paddling this month as we deem them.
McDonald's and their AI failure for ordering.
All of McDonald's.
All of them get ass paddling.
I don't care where they are in the world.
Every fucking one of them.
It's going to take a while.
But I think we can get done in the weekend.
What do you think, Rob?
Yeah, I think we can.
We'll have to borrow Santa's sleigh, but we can do it.
It's okay.
We can paddle every McDonald's ass in the South.
I think Santa would loan us a sleigh to do it.
Oh, yeah.
We're on good terms with Santa.
He loves us.
Yeah, Santa loves us.
Yeah, he loves that one during Christmas that we do, Nasty Old St. Prick.
He loves that bit.
Yeah, he loves it.
Oh, yeah.
He's all the time just goofing about it.
He loves it.
All right.
The NFL again for making market football games all on applications.
Making the elderly people that don't have smartphones will probably not be able to watch it.
So, yeah, the NFL is, they're already in the Hall of Fame for a lot of other things.
So what we do whenever they're in the Hall of Fame is we pull them out, we ass paddle them again, and then put them back in the hall.
So that's what's going to happen with them.
Tasty snow plows for barreling down the residential streets at 60 mile an hour, being unsafe and sending, they're sending snow up on rooftops.
They get ass paddled.
Oh my God, was it that bad?
Yeah, it's on video.
I knew it was bad. I didn't realize it was that bad.
People have ring doorbells of the snow going so high that you couldn't even see the street lights.
Yeah, it was pretty bad.
Oh my God.
Yeah, they all get ass paddling for that because that was bullshit.
And they did it in front of our house, too. I got it on ring.
So, all right.
Oh my God.
Sticks gets an ass paddling for not accepting Dennis DeYoung's offer for a farewell reunion tour.
We deserve it.
Look, Dennis DeYoung hates you worse than anybody, but he still wants to do a reunion tour for the fans.
The rest of you guys, Tommy Shaw, all you guys.
David, here's the way I look at it.
If it's not a tour, make it just one concert like Ozzy.
Yes, yes.
One concert. One last concert.
Yeah, and even that thing is getting convoluted.
Even the last Ozzy concert is getting convoluted.
Oh my God, is it?
Yeah, Ozzy's in horrible shape. And the closer we're getting to it, the more information is coming out.
He can't walk. He's frail.
We don't know if he's going to make it up there.
He may not.
So, anyhow, they waited too long, basically, and it's sad.
And they sold all these tickets.
Oh no, we'll see how it goes.
But I know that everybody, when they bought the tickets, thought that Ozzy was going to be on stage.
Now, they're all like, oh, he's going to make a couple of appearances, short appearances, in a wheelchair.
Maybe, if he can.
Yeah, if he can.
Like, he'll even get into the concert.
Yeah, I mean, it's a bunch of ifs right now. He's in bad shape. It sucks.
I know he is.
So, as promised, you and me, Rob, we get an ass-paddling for missing tip number three.
Yes, yes we do.
We turn ourselves in to the crowd.
All of you guys that have been bitching, we're going to give you the paddle, and you guys can be invisible, and you get the smack art.
Oh, fuck, there's one now.
One what?
I just had something smack my ass.
Oh, shit, they're already on us.
Yeah, where is that? We're only recording.
Someone else found a genie. We're fucked.
Alright.
Alright. NASA gets an ass-paddling for constantly changing whether this killer asteroid is going to hit us or not.
It's changed like ten times in the last two weeks.
Yeah, it's going to hit us. No, it didn't. No, no, it's way off. Oh, no, no, it's really close.
I don't know, maybe. Guys, just shut up.
Oh, no, then I read one story that was going to hit the moon.
Yeah, yeah. Just say you don't know like the rest of us. It's fine.
Yeah, quick, quick, yeah.
It's off media.
Yeah, they have nothing to say is what it is. So they say that. So anyhow.
They use the...
Yeah, I mean, you're talking about like outer gas.
I'm all over right there. I'm all over right there.
Yeah, okay. Alright. New York Mayor Eric Adams for corruption charges and getting booted.
I personally think it's fine that he's getting booted. I think that he is...
Rat man himself.
Yep. Yep. Mr. Rat Man. Good. See ya.
Valentine time.
Yep. Exit stage left. Don't look back.
Hey, thank you for letting us smack your ass.
Yes.
Because we've had talked about it so much.
We're going to take great pleasure in smashing your asshole with that old sparky replica.
And this is for everybody that ever lived in any of your buildings.
Yes. Yes, for the rat-infested buildings, allegedly. So, alright.
Allegedly.
Yeah, and all that good shit.
Even though we do the disclaimer, we have no integrity at all. Don't believe anything.
We'll make up a story. We'll lie about stories. We don't care. So, anyhow. Alright.
But those we did not.
No, we didn't.
Former New York Governor Andrew Cuomo for running for mayor after being ousted for sexual misconduct.
Oh, fuck yes.
Yeah. Pull him out. Smash his ass.
Yes.
Ugh. Yeah. Yep. Yep. Yep.
We're going to leave that one. Yeah, yeah. I could go over there.
We're going to get bullied. I'm just going to leave that right fucking there.
Alright. Sharon Osborne for not having a free simulcast of Ozzie's Goodbye.
Many, many fans want to see their hero off.
And as far as I know, there is no other outlet to do it unless you're there.
Now if this changes, I mean we may have paddled her ass, but we'll say we're sorry.
But if it doesn't change, then okay. She gets an ass-paddling.
You've got to give a man a speech, too.
So should we go ahead and paddle her ass or not?
No. Keep that one on hold.
Okay.
I think I see her side on this.
Okay. You know what? This is going to go to a review board.
Agreed? Yeah. Go to a review board.
Okay. This one's been suspended. And hang on. Let me write on here.
Okay. The Sharon Osborne ass-paddling is going to go for review board.
And then whatever... For the first time. For the first time.
Yep. Okay. So whatever the review board decides, that's what we go with, right?
Yep.
Okay. All right. And then finally, the fuckhead at work that coughed all over me and gave me the ick.
He gets in the Hall of Fame just because that cold fucking sucked.
All right. That is all the ass-padlins. Rob, you got something?
Yeah, I do.
All right.
Teachers have been suspended after children at a school in Texas gave themselves tattoos sharing the same needle.
Oh.
Cupils at Travis Intermediate School were forced to take blood tests over fears they could have been infected,
sharing needles that could lead to the spread of diseases like hepatitis B and C and HIV.
One outlaced parent said her 11-year-old son had, I hope, my lord, tattooed on his arm and JC on his hand.
Okay.
Okay. Well...
Good tattoos. Good tattoos.
Yeah, good tattoos, but I mean, I don't know if you want your kid to have one yet.
Okay. Let me go on.
Okay.
It broke the skin and stabbed over, said Jordan Armstrong's mother Ashley to Fox 4 News.
The needle was shared several times from one class to another class to another class.
How is that these kids are getting tattoos in class and not one teacher notices it?
Parents claim that the tattooing took place in front of teachers while the number of children who received the ink is not clear.
A number of teachers have been suspended while the Greenville Independent School District investigates.
Hmm.
Mrs. Armstrong revealed that while her son was undergoing the major stomp, no teachers were aware it was even happening.
Her son has received a negative test since the incident, but it is scheduled for a follow-up this week.
Wow.
How does that happen without any teacher or anybody catching that?
Yeah, especially when they're saying that the same tattoo needle went around to different classes.
Yeah.
That's disturbing as hell, I mean, like the disease aspect and also...
It's very disturbing.
Yeah.
And then another thing is, is the fact is, is it may be a religious tattoo and you may believe in God and all this, but still, your kid has something that is going to be on his body for life.
And how old was that?
And the religious parents had problems with it.
Yeah.
Wow.
Oh yeah.
All right.
I got one more story if you got time.
Yeah, go ahead.
Okay.
A man has finally been caught.
The guy in question appears to be the Puppet Penis Bandit.
The man has been terrifying...
Puppet?
Yes.
The man has been terrifying the greater Providence region for five years running.
Marshal Reynaldo, 47-year-old from Providence, has been alleged to show his penis with a sock puppet over his manhood.
The law...
Hi, Pete.
Hi, you too.
The law has enough wiggle room to where they can charge a man with lewd behavior with one case of lewd behavior with a minor, said Philip Smith of the Somerset County Law Enforcement.
Marshal is being held $300,000 bond at the Somerset County Jail.
There you go.
You got something, Rob?
It doesn't say what kind of sock puppet you are.
I have a weekend. It is my birthday. That's all the stories I have.
All right.
Do you think it's a rabbit sock puppet or what do you think?
An elephant maybe? And he puts his wiener in the fucking trunk or something?
I bet it's a squirrel.
Okay. Okay. So like if he gets a boner he can like move the squirrels...
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he gets erect and the little squirrel looks like it's moving around.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah. I bet it's a squirrel.
That's cool. All right. Marshal Reynaldo. Good job. Reynaldo, I think. Yeah. Marshal Reynaldo. Great job.
All right, everybody. Thank you for listening. Good night, assholes.
And one final note.
Oh, okay.
A little quote. A little quote.
Buckery is a reaction. It's either good or bad. Live life.
Good night, assholes.
Oh, no. Looks like the show's over, kids. Mark has explosive diarrhea and can't afford a wireless mic.
Hear not, assholes. They'll be back invading your ear holes soon.