And now it's time for...
The Daily Deucebag Pledge
Here at Two Deucebags in a Microphone, we don't stand behind our journalistic integrity.
Go ahead and assume we got the story wrong. At least we admit it.
Not like all those other guys, we can and will lie if it makes the story better.
Two Deucebags and a Microphone
We Talk, Casual
Hey everybody, this is Uncle Rob. I'm gonna give you some tips for life.
This is Uncle Rob's Rules to Dick Picks
Rule Number One
Title will pick in someone else's name. So if you get busted, it's not yours.
Rule Number Two
Shoot angles complementary to your length and girth.
Rule Number Four
No propping of the way. Absolutely.
No undercarriage. Very important.
Why? What a burger, you say?
Well, because what a deep-fried crispy chicken nugget just didn't have the right ring.
Two Deucebags and a Microphone in an effort to keep everything fresh. We offer you first world problems.
That's a hell of a bridge construction.
Shit, I cannot believe I have to repair this bridge after 50 years.
Man, what am I gonna do now? I can't like up 10 minutes earlier just to get to work.
This is complete bullshit. I'm gonna write my congressman.
Hey look, I think we found land. Oh my god, I think we're safe.
Oh no, it's the island of horrible jokes.
Oh my god.
My wife said I should do lunches to stay in shape. That is a big step forward.
Harambe used to listen to our original show, Two Dip Shits and a Cheek Radio Shack realistic tape recorder.
Harambe does not listen to our original show, Two Dip Shits and a Cheek Radio Shack realistic tape recorder anymore.
You might ask why Harambe never listens to our original show, Two Dip Shits and a Cheek Radio Shack realistic tape recorder.
Well, it's because Harambe is dead.
Senselessly murdered because some idiot did not watch her child properly while looking on her phone.
Sadly, Harambe does not listen to our original show, Two Dip Shits and a Cheek Radio Shack realistic tape recorder or any other show anymore.
Sorry Harambe.
Two Dish Bags and a Microphone. This is the Kansas City portion of it. And I'll mark.
And this is Campton, Missouri like a Nelsarx portion of it. Rob Rat.
Alright Rob Rat, I apologize to you and everybody else. I have a cold and I sound like it at times. But I'm still giving you this bullshit.
I fought it last week. I fought it last week.
I can't give you a cold over the internet so you're safe. So you can listen to me and not worry about it.
No, but at least I have a mute button where I can call.
You see I don't. Well I do but it shuts the whole thing down so it does me no good.
Alrighty. So Rob, we're getting a lot of heat. We're getting way too much heat from this in number three.
I mean people are all over us. I know we gotta do it but I think we need to change it and make it as stupid as possible.
Just to be a dick back to them.
You know something that doesn't make sense. Yeah, number three was good.
We just gotta make it something. We're gonna have to change it up now.
Something like I don't dress up a hamster. They chew off clothing. Or something stupid like that.
Or my elbow itches. That's why I ate my sock. Something just stupid.
They're gonna be like what? It doesn't have anything to do with anything.
But at least I've been warned.
Hey have you ever imagined how loud a centipede would sound if they wore flip flops?
Honestly I think they'd make a pretty good song. Like a tap dance.
Yeah that'd be alright. Hell yeah. Tap dancing with flip flops. A centipede.
How many legs do they have? Like 30 or something?
That means a hundred isn't it? Oh it probably is a hundred. I never counted them.
No it's not well. I take it's a hundred.
Well I gotta hint. You can't count them out in the sun.
I'm taking math back in school.
Okay, okay. Well I was doing it like this. I would roll them over on a sunny day.
And I would put the magnifying glass on them. But they'd fry. They'd just burn up. Not good.
Yeah that's right. Cause you have centipede and you got millipede.
Yeah yeah yeah. You know what I'll have to look that up.
Well centennial. Centennial. 100 years.
Okay. Oh that's right. So that'd be centipede. And then millipede.
Hmm. Okay. Millennial? A thousand?
Something like that. Yeah.
Wow. Okay. But it could be mill for like milliliter or millisecond. I don't know. You know what? Who gives a shit?
Let's move on.
You know I looked the dogs out the other night and they ran around the corner to the back deck and they started going nuts right?
And I look over there to see the back of the deck because we have gates on each side of them.
Because they used to get on, we had a dog that jumped, well we still have him but he would jump up on the hot tub and he would fucking chew on the top of it.
And those tops are very expensive so after replacing a couple of them I put in a couple of gates.
So this raccoon is running around in circles. He's a little one. He's pretty young you can tell.
And you know I can't get them to shut up and leave the animal alone.
So anyhow Val went outside to do the real busting because she's really good at it and I'm not.
She went out there and corralled them all and had them all by the collars and brought them all in.
So anyhow I'm like oh good. But then Val said you know you better take a look at that raccoon.
I think they may have got it before it ran up on the deck. And I'm like oh shit.
So I look over there on top of the hot tub and he's laying there motionless.
And so I'm like oh shit. Now we got to you know now the poor little guy's dead.
And you know and that's what I think anymore. You know I'm like oh poor guy's dead for no reason.
And now I got to go deal with a fucking carcass tomorrow.
So anyhow Val opens up the back door to go check you know to poke at him and make sure he's dead and not suffering.
And that's another thing too. I didn't want to have to finish him off.
But I was like going yeah I can't let him sit there and suffer so you'd have to do something.
Which would suck.
Like you could fire off a gun and sit on it.
No it would have to be like a fucking brick or something. I got a gun but if someone hurt it they could you know.
But oh wait a minute no I don't. I don't have a gun. I was just kidding around. No gun here.
So anyhow Val opened up the back door and the raccoon jumped up and took off.
It was playing possum dude. I didn't know that.
Then I got to reading up on it. Raccoons play possum. Just like possums. I didn't know that.
Yeah. Little fucker had me convinced. He was just lying there motionless with his eyes open.
And I'm like oh shit man. They fucking got him.
They must have been him just right or some shit and that was it.
But yeah. Anyhow he jumped up and got off. So I'm like oh good good.
I don't have to mess with a carcass. I don't have to finish him off. And he's okay.
So that was pretty good.
If you had to finish him off that would hurt your hot dog.
No I wouldn't take him off the hot dog.
Yeah. I would have had to get a stick or something.
I mean because you can't pick him up. He'll bite the piss out of you of course.
So then earlier that day. It was a weird day.
I'm looking online and I spot an Olympia beer sign right.
And you know I flipped out because you know.
Oh hell yeah.
You know what I mean.
Olympia. Yes.
Yeah and I was going to get it but it was click bait.
I was fucking disappointed. I'm like damn it.
The sign didn't actually exist. At least not on the link.
I was sent to. Olympia is one of those forgotten beers right.
Because Falstaff. Schlitz. All those are the sexy ones.
But Olympia was never a sexy yard beer. Ham's was sexy. Right.
It was always kind of like that.
Oh go ahead.
But it was good. It was good.
Yeah. Yeah. Oh I liked it too.
And then there's like old Milwaukee right.
And Pabst currently owns. I did a search on this.
Olympia is gone. It went under in like 1990.
Heilemann Brewery had it.
And then Heilemann Brewery went tits up.
So they never. No one bought it to revive it.
Like they did Pabst and Schlitz and all that.
So anyhow but old Milwaukee is still alive.
Pabst Brewery owns it.
But it's regional.
You can only get it like in certain areas and that's it.
But it's like up north like Wisconsin or something.
Or maybe Michigan. I was like damn it.
But you could probably order it if you wanted.
But I don't care about it that much.
It has a beer locator on it.
And anyhow so you could get it like that.
But I mean it only.
The beer locator only had like five hits and I was like three of them.
So definitely nobody gives a shit about old Milwaukee.
But anyhow I got to thinking.
My very first summer job was sod laying.
You remember sod laying don't you?
You probably did some of it right when you were growing up.
Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. It's a hard job.
Especially when I was more than 20.
Okay mine when I was. It was my first job ever. Summer I was 16 and looking to buy you know car money.
I was wanting to buy a car.
The company was managed and owned by this overbearing asshole.
He was a real weird fuck.
I mean he would say weird shit.
And do weird stuff all the time.
And anyhow old Milwaukee made me remind me of this guy.
This guy would take. He would take these horrible middle of nowhere side and median of the highway job.
Laying sod on the. You know from the state.
The state would hire him.
If they needed sod laid in the middle.
Or he would bid on it. He'd always get it because he was a cheap ass.
You know he paid us nothing and we had to stay in cheap hotels.
But anyhow he would take like the side of the highway is all decayed and shit.
And we'd have to put dirt there.
And then we'd have to build it up and put sod on there with stakes in it and all that stuff.
Or the median was all fucking bruised up from a wreck.
Or a patch of it caught on fire.
Or whatever.
And we were the poor bastards who had to lay the sod in there.
But these sucked particularly bad because over an hour away he would make us stay there.
He would buy cheap old nasty hotel rooms.
And we'd have to bunk with some slimy smelly old man that hated life.
He usually had horrible breath and very bad gas.
I can remember it right now.
So anyhow and this is all the other ones except for another guy that was 16 that started with me.
And anyhow this owner tool bag would not fire you unless you drank or not fire you.
He wouldn't hire you unless you drank a six pack of old Milwaukee with him.
Right?
And I was 16 years old.
And I was jonesing for any type of the beer and old Milwaukee was still horrible dude.
It was still horrible.
When I was 16 just jonesing for any type of beer at all right.
You're just looking for anything.
And so anyhow how bizarre is that?
He has a 16 year old drink a six pack with him because that's his tradition.
Times have changed right?
Back then that was nothing.
It was like oh yeah yeah yeah he does that to everybody.
He makes you drink a six pack with him.
Kind of like prove your manhood or some shit.
I don't know.
So come on my 16th birthday I went to work at Jeff's and Jim's with you and everybody.
Yeah sorry about that.
The waitresses would bring you a pitcher of beer.
Yes.
Each of us would get our own pitcher of beer before ship.
I'm a 16 pack of years old.
Come on though I'm lucky to turn out as good as I did.
You know I think the waitresses lied for us.
I think they said it was for somebody of age and they knew that you know what would motivate us.
Yeah they did.
What would motivate us at that age there's two things.
Pussy and beer.
They were older so they knew.
They knew us.
Yeah they couldn't force any bus girl into giving us any but they could damn sure give us beer right.
So anyhow.
So every job we would take he loaded up seven or eight of us in the old blue suburban with no air conditioning.
It was fucking miserable.
Like I said some of these jobs are two hours away and they all stunk like BO and Camel non filters.
I mean I still remember now it's fucking horrible.
So the asshole he always drove and he never stopped for a bathroom break.
He would tell you to piss in a bottle.
Crammed in that fucking suburb and with seven or eight idiots around you made it impossible to piss in a fucking bottle.
It's hard enough to do anyhow right.
Especially when they're driving down the road and hitting fucking bumps and all kinds of stuff.
So you're always going to have some of this shit land on you or land on someone else and they get mad and start yelling at you.
So it's impossible.
So basically what you have to do is you had to sit there and your fucking gut about to explode because this idiot.
And then a lot of times he wouldn't even stop you know he wouldn't even stop before we went anywhere you know to the road.
He'd go oh here's the job drop us off there and you still had to piss but there's no bathroom.
And a lot of places it's a highway so there's cars going by all the time.
So you're sitting there going fuck I don't know what to do.
So anyhow I waited one day you know and he was we were working at a gas station.
I'm trying to remember this right here on the spot.
I'm sorry.
OK so we're working at a gas station right.
And there was a pay phone if you don't know what I'm talking about.
Look it up.
OK a pay phone right Rob.
You put a quarter in it and call somebody right.
For real I'm not joking.
One time it was just a dime.
Yeah it was a dime for a while and then it went to a quarter.
And then you could go four or five quarters in them sometimes for long distance and get long distance and stuff like that.
So we're laying sod at this gas station and I was sick of this motherfucker right.
I was so sick of him.
Him and his fucking whole thing about making you piss your pants and fucking always saying weird shit and stuff.
You would always have to go get your check from his house even though you worked with him all day.
He made you go there and they had this canister in front of it.
You have no.
Oh Mark.
OK.
And then you go.
He was just a weird son of a bitch.
So so we was at the was at this gas station working.
I see this pay phone and this was over.
Oh shit.
Is it the new gas station?
Yeah kind of over it.
Yes yeah.
Yeah you hit it right there.
OK.
So right there by the little red bridge cut there.
Yeah yeah.
That was the gas station actually.
It's old now but it was new at the time.
I had a friend that lived right down the road, right? So I go to this payphone
I call him up and I go hey dude. I said hey come come by and get me
I'm gonna be over on the back side of this thing
So I'm sitting there working and I look over there and there's my buddy over there and his trans am I fucking run over there
When nobody's seeing me, right? I jump in there. I fucking take off. So anyhow
so what happened is is
They you know, I I disappeared and they didn't know where the fuck I was so
He had all those employees look for me for about an hour and you know
They didn't we didn't have cell phones back then all we had was pay phones. So they didn't know what happened. Okay, so
Anyhow, so I just took off with my buddy. So I quit but I didn't tell him right so I'm waiting a month for my final check
to come in
He he always sent the final checks in the mail because I knew everybody that worked for him. Okay, so
I called down there. He won't give me the check unless I picked it up myself from his home
I'm like, oh fuck. I gotta go see that motherfucker. He's gonna bitch me out for quitting like that. I know so
We went there and I like I said, there's a cancer in the front porch where we get our checks weekly
But there's no check in there. So I had to knock
You know after he called me a pussy a few times
He gave me my check and he formed me that my last check was missing a day's pay
Because he had his whole crew look for me for an hour and he had to pay them for it
So I was really pissed. I'm like that fucker
I know, you know
I know damn well
That my check didn't equal out there by getting an extra hour and he probably didn't even look for an hour
He probably looked for 20 minutes and said fuck the guy and left
He didn't like me any how and I didn't like him and we knew it but he wouldn't fire me because then I would get unemployment
So he just kept me on and he thought it was funny seeing me fucking sweat bullets every day
So anyhow this sod company was in Lewisburg. You might guess the name right in Lewisburg, Kansas
Okay, right
Do you know who I'm talking about now Rob?
Okay, do you know him personally and what a fucking weirdo he is?
Yes, okay, so I kept going by and I see this fucking old suburban
In in Lewisburg where he lived and where his business was and the river Betsy's cafe on main
Yes, yeah, they had those huge fucking cinnamon rolls the size of birthday cakes
Oh god, they were so
Oh fuck
Oh those are delicious
Oh my if I could go back in time and eat one of them. Oh gosh. Oh my god. Yes
Oh, they were they were just they were divine. So unless you were there
They had awesome biscuits and gravy too
Oh gosh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They had that really spicy country gravy
They bought it from the the Elmer's farm down the road and yeah, that shit was so good. Oh my god
Hell man, yeah any hell they haven't been there for years so they what they closed down like 90 or something 93
Yeah, we are sorry about that
I think they got a divorce or something and they both said fuck you and quit the business or whatever. But anyhow
So he always left the door he was in there and Betsy's cafe probably getting some B&G and some of those cinnamon rolls
We're talking about right?
So so anyhow, he always left the doors unlocked
So I snuck over to rear passenger side on the back and I pissed all over his floorboard to get him back, right?
So anyhow, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Anyhow, I'm like I'll leave there. I fucking take off. I like he by this time
I had my car because
Maybe it was just in Jim's. I know no no no no no no no no
I was bricklaying after that the rest of the summer and that's how I got my car money
So I had a car by this time and you know, I'm tooling around Lewisburg, you know looking for strays and
and
anyhow, you know, I
See a suburban so I sneak over there and he didn't know my car
You know, he would look out there just be another car. I didn't have that car when I worked for him
So actually I had no car. So I pissed in the back there
So anyhow, I heard he blamed some other kid for spilling his piss in the bottle in the backseat
But
Anyhow
Yeah, he was all pissed off and fucking chewing somebody out going you pissed all over my floorboard trying to piss in that bottle or something
And he got fucking blamed and I think he took money out of his check to fucking clean that old
fucking smelly suburban
He had no idea he had no idea left him at present a
Couple people did and that's how I found out about him blaming this fucking kid this little red-haired motherfucker
I didn't like him anyhow. He blamed him for pissing all over the floorboard when it wasn't him
Anyhow, oh Milwaukee started all this Rob. Can you please?
Get us back on course
I'm gonna try to I don't know if it's possible, but please
Yeah, here's this one guy take patient loops to
President Donald Trump said that he will be issuing a complete pardon for the late baseball player Pete Rose
Okay
Um
Okay
Well the president also criticized major league baseball for never having the courage or decency
To end up Rose and it's Hall of Fame. Oh
Through social late Friday
Okay, so that Trump's Trump's gonna pardon me for it, okay
Will that give him to this story? Okay, go ahead. Go ahead. I think I know where it's gonna go. Go ahead, please
Yeah
Baseball legend who is best known for his time with the Cincinnati Reds and nicknamed Charlie Hussle
Was banned from baseball for getting for betting on games
He also served several months in prison for tax evasion
The all-time hit leader passed away last year
83 years old
He never met against himself or the other team. He had the most hits by far
Baseball history and won more games than anyone in sports history Trump wrote
He said Rose was a much better player than many already in the Hall of Fame and called on the league to award Rose the honor
I was she was sleep. He's right man
Okay
But the Hall of Fame which is closely tied, but not this big major league baseball
Major League Baseball generally did not honor players that have been banned from the game
Mm-hmm
So even though he's pardoned he's probably not gonna get in the Hall of Fame
that's
What I'm guessing. Oh that sucks. That really sucks
And the president's trying to talk to me talking into it
I hope they do Pete Rose deserves be in the Hall of Fame because look at all the other people that are Hall of Fame that
had scandals and all kinds of shit drug stuff and and I'm not even gonna go into the
performance enhancing debate because
My my view on that is it was not illegal when these guys did it so they did nothing wrong, you know, but
Just just like Trump said he never betted on his team or the other team he was bet on other games
Yeah, I'm really understand
Go ahead
I just I just think they carried it too far. I think they need to finally allow me in here
Here's what I read what he did do while he was playing
Here's what I read about the situation and I think it's true. It came from several different sources
that I read and
Okay, Bart Giamatti is the one that gave him basically the death sentence in baseball
Bart Giamatti was not was not just mad about gambling
But he was pissed off and he died shortly after that Bart Giamatti the commissioner of baseball at the time
He died like a month later after he made the death ruling on on Rose
Okay, Bart Giamatti was pissed because Rose would never fess up to it
And that's why he wanted to keep the ban and and to keep him out of the Hall of Fame
People are doing it now because that's what Bart
Wanted when he passed away and they felt that Rose done him wrong because he never would fess up to it
And I think that that might be somewhat true if not all the way true
I don't think it yeah, I don't think it warrants. What's going on. I think he should be in the Hall of Fame
I think he had his passion shit. He's dead now, you know, he'll never get to know that he's in the Hall of Fame
I don't think you know, but anyhow Wow. Okay. I had no idea Trump did that. That's that's cool. Yeah
Okay, cool
Let's see, do you want to take our first break and I got some emails
Yeah, all right, there's a couple of things I want to say
Yeah, sounds good. All right. They're good. Like always
No, can't wait
In order for us here at two douchebags and microphone
We feel bad for not having a female presence. So for us to not look sexist
We're going to occasionally have a female laugh in the background. We hope this clears up any misunderstanding
These guys are inviting as a used hypodermic needle
Origin of April fools
Religious holdouts in the 16th century refused to celebrate the reestablished New Year's date on January 1st
Preferent the end of the Holy Week in April making them April fools
You watch the news. It looks grim. Is an apocalypse inevitable?
We suggest you download all of our podcasts beforehand and have multiple mobile chargers
We have the post-apocalypse lists
This is a list of medium-term food storage
Boat staple food items
Rice, pasta, flour, oats, granola, herbs and spices
Beans, canned meat, pickled vegetables, dried fruit, instant potatoes, boxed or canned food, peanut butter, jerky, energy protein bars, oils, sauces and condiments in the fast food type packaging
Now it's time for pick up lines from a loser
If you were a vegetable, you would be a cute conber
The apocalypse just happened. You don't know what to do. You don't know where to go. But we can tell you what you can eat
How to stay clean during an apocalypse. Plant oils such as cedarwood, rosewood and rose are often added to soaps to impart their scents
The fruits of several native North American plants contain sufficient levels of saponin to produce lather and can be used as soaps or shampoos
Have you ever wondered where something came from? Have you ever looked at something and said, I wonder what the origin of that is?
Well, so have we. That's why we give you The Origin of
The Origin of Cohaba Cigars
Cuban Cohaba origins trace back to the middle 1960s when a bodyguard at the Del Castro shared some of his private supply cigars made by a local artisan named Eduardo Rivera
These cigars placed Castro so much that a special production of the unbranded blend, produced under tight security, was made for Castro and other top government officials
The production of Cohaba in 1968 began as a blend for only top Cuban officials but began selling outside Cuba in 1982. This is in conjunction with the 1982 World Cup
They used to call it Jump-O-Leave until your mama got on it
Tomorrow morning while grinding your coffee beans for your double mocha latte, remember to not get your genitals caught in the grinder
It really hurts and who can afford plastic surgery? Stay safe everyone
Now, for a limited time only, Rob Rad's new video series, How to Booty Clap and Quirk. That's right, Rob shows you his signature booty clap and how to quirk with ease
Order today and get a free pair of thongs with Rob's initials on them. That's right, Rob's initials on a pair of thongs and learn how to booty clap with the best, Rob
Next up, Things Overheard in Hell
Cocks with socks are the only footwear allowed in Hell
Topher, Mark and Rob would like you to know that just because they have a podcast does not mean their asshole does not stink
I know them pretty well and their asshole does stink
So, just so you know, their asshole stinks just like yours
Christopher, you know our elaborate prank section, right?
Mm-hmm
Okay, well, I've got one for you. I never told you about Babble Snatch, have I?
Uh, no, no
Okay, even if I did, just say I didn't know that
You know, there's nothing about Babble Snatch
Yeah, I think I remember a name like Babble Snatch
Okay, well, Babble Snatch, this is back in the 80s, probably mid-80s, best guess
Could have been 87 at the latest, but anyhow
Yeah, I used to go to the 7-Eleven in Belvedere, which isn't there now, it was knocked down and then replaced way later by a quick trip
But anyhow, I used to go in there all the time and you know, go in there and buy sodas and shit and whatever, you know
Rolling papers for my friends, not for me
And anyhow, you know, just shit like that
So anyhow, there's this guy in there, he, I don't know, you know, I think he hated long hairs or something
But anyhow, I noticed he was nice to everybody but me
Like I'd be like third in line and anyhow, you know, the first guy
Hey, Mr. Jones, how you doing?
Oh man, yeah, nice weather
Hey, how's the kid? You know, next person
Hi, Loretta, how you doing?
Oh man, yeah, yeah, yeah, everything's going good, man
I got the old Taurus running really good
Yeah, yeah, come by, man, we'll
The old Taurus, I love it
I come up there, 142
So how you doing, po-
142
Okay, here you go
And I'm like, what the hell, how come this guy hates me?
Every time I go in there, nicest pipe ever made, but me, it's like, just like, I'd be 249
So, weather's pretty nice out there
Thanks, bye
I'm like, yeah, motherfucker
So he did this so many times and he just never talked to me, he wouldn't even like, hardly look at me, you know
And I never did nothing to this fucker that I know of
You know, maybe someone said something like this guy said, you know, that you're a dick or
Maybe someone's screwing with him, like, hey man, you think you got a nice ass, who knows
Whatever the fucking deal was, the guy was just a complete tool bag to me constantly
So I was like, alright bitch
So I go home and I think about it, I'm like, okay
So I start calling up and I go, hey, you got any Babel Snatch gum?
What? Babel Snatch?
I mean, everybody, I mean, I bought it from there a couple weeks ago
Stuff is fucking awesome, man
I'll tell you what, man, you know, talk to your manager about it
Is this like a breath freshening gum?
I don't, you know
Maybe a bubble gum?
I just came up with it and anyhow, the guy, he bent on it, you know
He was like, oh yeah, I'll check on it for you
Hey, thanks man, I appreciate it
So anyhow, so I called back a little bit later
Yeah, someone called earlier, you know
And anyhow, I'm sure we have it here somewhere
But you know, I'll talk to my manager about it tonight and we'll see what we can do
So anyhow, I have a couple other people call it about Babel Snatch gum and you know
And they're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, you know, we're working on getting it in, okay
You know, the regional manager, we called him and he said he was going to work on getting it in here
And I go, well, you know, I bought it the other day and it's just so good
And they believe me, I go, man, this gum is just so great tasting
And he's like, it's Babel Snatch, right? Yeah, Babel Snatch, that's the name of it
Okay, all right
I love to listen into the conversation when he's asking the regional manager about Babel Snatch gum
Oh yeah, so you know, anyhow
I called down there the next day and I go, hey man, you know, you got that Babel Snatch gum
You know, the guy's like, oh, hang on, hang on, I think it's in, we just had a load, hang on
So anyhow, so the guy's like, you know, and this is the guy I hated, the Paul guy
So anyhow, he's like, yeah, hang on a second
So I hear him like, yeah, I'm going to go to the back there and it's in one of the boxes
They said it was coming in today
So all right, no big deal
So I hear him go back, I hear some rustling and a couple people come in
And then he stops, he goes up there
Oh yeah, that'd be $12.42
Okay, thank you, have a good day
And then he helps someone else and I hear him go back again
I hear him rustling through some more boxes
Meanwhile, I'm laughing my ass off
Anyhow, this guy, he like, for like 20 minutes is looking for Babel Snatch gum
So anyhow, so like
Finally, like a half hour later, he comes back and he goes, man, he goes, look, I know we're going to have it in by the end of the day
I talked to my manager
Okay, all right, man
All right, I'll come in at night and I'll get some gum, man
Save some for me, man, okay?
My name's Billy, I'll be in
Okay, okay, all right, I'll save you some Babel Snatch gum, no problem
So a couple hours later, I call up and I talked to the manager
The manager's like, yeah, yeah, I ordered some a couple days ago and it should be in
If it's not in right now, it's going to be in by the end of the day, I guarantee you
So I don't know how the hell they ordered it
Because there's no such thing as Babel Snatch gum
I made this shut up and all of a sudden, I mean, everybody wanted this fucking Babel Snatch gum
And it never did exist
Matter of fact, this prank got so good to where I ended up
This is, you know, in the 80s before digital cameras even, let alone, you know, our phone cameras
And all the, you know, Photoshop and everything
No internet
No, we had to like cut stuff out of wrappers and stuff and make a fake Babel Snatch gum
And take an old fashioned like a Polaroid type of picture
I forgot what it was, it could have been one of those little box cameras back then
Probably the only thing I could afford, you know
Anyway, we actually took a picture of the Babel Snatch gum
And a guy went in there and he goes, hey man, I need this
And the guy's like, I know, I know, I know, man, we're working on getting it in
It's hard to get, man, everybody wants this Babel Snatch gum
So anyhow, I guess the whole moral of the story is, is don't be a dick to me
Because then I'll do something like that
And even now, to this day, I'll have a couple people on my friends list every now
And they'd like send me a little message and I'll go, Babel Snatch
I'm like, ah ha ha
Remember one time I was like working up in fucking New York or something
And all of a sudden I get a ding and like I'm on top of this fucking skyscraper
They were putting in glass
And I look down and it says Babel Snatch
And I'm like, fuck
I hope they're dying this glass about ready to fall and kill a hundred people
They recover your body and they look at your phone
And the last text you received said Babel Snatch
We better look into this
By some guy named Dirtbag
So anyhow, that is my elaborate prank section of this
Unless we throw some more in there, but anyhow
Babel Snatch, never forget it
This name lives on
Hey there, fuckstick
You're just in time for brand new feature news nobody gives a shit about
In a remote area in France, an armadillo was found alive
And no one knows how it got there
When I was with that band, I wasn't drinking
So when we played drinking games, I'd have to drink this water
Which is not really much of a game
Because half the game is watching everyone get drunk
And they have to take a drink or whatever
It gives you a one up though, you see stupid shit happening
And other people don't identify with it because they're smashed
But then again, it'd be fun or smashed because you'd be like, ah ha ha
Well they came up with a variation for me since
Instead of drinking alcohol, I was drinking water
They made the exception that I could not get up
I couldn't leave the circle to go pee
Everyone else could
But since I wasn't getting hammered on water
Then my punishment was I couldn't pee
That's a pretty...
Yeah, that lasted for a while
And I was like, okay, I voluntarily lose or quit
Whatever, because I've got to go pee right now
Some of those drinking games went on way too long
And by the time we got back to the club to play that night
Some of us were still a little hammered
A little residual leftover glaze
Then they're done at
And then you got the choice, you know
If you're that person, you start the gig off and you're kind of wasted
Do you just keep it going throughout the gig
Or do you let yourself come down during the gig
And by the fourth set you're like, I hate this, I hate life, let me go
I was talking to a guy at work similar to that
When I was younger
I used to have to decide
Because we were out late one night having some beers and stuff
And I ended up leaving that place like 2.30 or something
Which is rare for me, you know, usually
I've been asleep a long time
And a couple days later I'm talking to him and I go, you know
When I was younger
I used to have that one moment where I had to stop for a second at what I was doing
And go, alright, I've got to be at work in four hours
Do I want to just ride this out, hurry it
And try to sober up the last couple hours and go to work
Or do I want to shut this fucking thing down
Get four hours of sleep and then go in there and go to work
And usually, usually it was like, I'm just going to ride this thing through
And I'll sleep tomorrow, which I never did
Because then all of a sudden a bunch of people would show up
And anyhow they'd be like, hey, come on man, get in the car
We're going to go over to so and so's
And I'd be like, oh yeah, you know
And you know, usually it'd take me three or four days to catch up
And then I'd be usually Tuesday night
But it seems like that would be the wiser choice
Is to stay awake and ride it out
When I was in that situation
Yeah, because you feel like shit, you know
You actually get about three hours or two and a half hours sleep
Because you're forcing yourself to sleep
But you're still on a party
So you get a little bit of bad sleep, bad quality sleep
When you wake up, your body is finally to the point where it wants to sleep
But now you have to wake up
Yeah, when you get in that really deep sleep, you wake up
Yeah, and then what's even worse is
While you're asleep, you can't monitor your symptoms
And take steps to counteract
Like if you're dead asleep because you're half-wasted
No, you wake up where you're at
Yeah, I mean you may be so sick to your stomach
Normally you'd wake up and do something about it
But you're sleeping so hard in those couple three hours
That it just sits there and gets worse and worse
By the time you wake up, you feel like total shit
Whereas if you stayed awake, you could treat those symptoms as they came up
You'd be more tired, but after the end of a couple hours
You're like, okay, I got my nausea under control
I got myself hydrated, I got some drops in my eyes
It usually worked out better because you had that time to start treating yourself
Yeah
Yeah, that's it, yeah
I would run into that not necessarily because I was wasted
But just because I was tired
Some of those out of town gigs, I'd work all day Friday
Drive out to some hour and a half out of town
Set up, play, tear down
And then I'd have to drive back to KC
And get a little bit of sleep and go work Saturday
I worked a lot of Saturdays
And then when I was done with work, I'd have to load up
Drive back to that little town where everybody else still was
And go play the second night
And I was like, ugh, this sucks so hard
See, that's when I should have been free-basing coke or something
That's when I needed all that energy
But there I was trying to exist on coffee and cigarettes
And I just wouldn't cut in it
And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark
So, I order spaghetti and meatballs
My meatballs automatically fall apart as soon as I touch them
So then, does my dish automatically change its name to spaghetti and meat sauce?
Hmph, I may never know
Oh no, looks like the show's over kids
Mark has explosive diarrhea and he's got a stomachache
Mark has explosive diarrhea and can't afford a wireless mic
Fear not assholes, they'll be back invading your ear holes soon