1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:07,000 And now it's time for... 2 00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:33,000 The Daily Deucebag Pledge 3 00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:29,000 Here at Two Deucebags in a Microphone, we don't stand behind our journalistic integrity. 4 00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:34,000 Go ahead and assume we got the story wrong. At least we admit it. 5 00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:40,000 Not like all those other guys, we can and will lie if it makes the story better. 6 00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:43,000 Two Deucebags and a Microphone 7 00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:51,000 We Talk, Casual 8 00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:58,000 Hey everybody, this is Uncle Rob. I'm gonna give you some tips for life. 9 00:01:58,000 --> 00:02:02,000 This is Uncle Rob's Rules to Dick Picks 10 00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:04,000 Rule Number One 11 00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:11,000 Title will pick in someone else's name. So if you get busted, it's not yours. 12 00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:13,000 Rule Number Two 13 00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:18,000 Shoot angles complementary to your length and girth. 14 00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:20,000 Rule Number Four 15 00:02:20,000 --> 00:02:26,000 No propping of the way. Absolutely. 16 00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:31,000 No undercarriage. Very important. 17 00:02:31,000 --> 00:02:35,000 Why? What a burger, you say? 18 00:02:35,000 --> 00:02:46,000 Well, because what a deep-fried crispy chicken nugget just didn't have the right ring. 19 00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:55,000 Two Deucebags and a Microphone in an effort to keep everything fresh. We offer you first world problems. 20 00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:58,000 That's a hell of a bridge construction. 21 00:02:58,000 --> 00:03:03,000 Shit, I cannot believe I have to repair this bridge after 50 years. 22 00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:08,000 Man, what am I gonna do now? I can't like up 10 minutes earlier just to get to work. 23 00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:12,000 This is complete bullshit. I'm gonna write my congressman. 24 00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:17,000 Hey look, I think we found land. Oh my god, I think we're safe. 25 00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:21,000 Oh no, it's the island of horrible jokes. 26 00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:26,000 Oh my god. 27 00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:34,000 My wife said I should do lunches to stay in shape. That is a big step forward. 28 00:03:34,000 --> 00:03:40,000 Harambe used to listen to our original show, Two Dip Shits and a Cheek Radio Shack realistic tape recorder. 29 00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:47,000 Harambe does not listen to our original show, Two Dip Shits and a Cheek Radio Shack realistic tape recorder anymore. 30 00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:54,000 You might ask why Harambe never listens to our original show, Two Dip Shits and a Cheek Radio Shack realistic tape recorder. 31 00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:57,000 Well, it's because Harambe is dead. 32 00:03:57,000 --> 00:04:02,000 Senselessly murdered because some idiot did not watch her child properly while looking on her phone. 33 00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:10,000 Sadly, Harambe does not listen to our original show, Two Dip Shits and a Cheek Radio Shack realistic tape recorder or any other show anymore. 34 00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:12,000 Sorry Harambe. 35 00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:29,000 Two Dish Bags and a Microphone. This is the Kansas City portion of it. And I'll mark. 36 00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:36,000 And this is Campton, Missouri like a Nelsarx portion of it. Rob Rat. 37 00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:45,000 Alright Rob Rat, I apologize to you and everybody else. I have a cold and I sound like it at times. But I'm still giving you this bullshit. 38 00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:49,000 I fought it last week. I fought it last week. 39 00:04:49,000 --> 00:04:55,000 I can't give you a cold over the internet so you're safe. So you can listen to me and not worry about it. 40 00:04:55,000 --> 00:04:59,000 No, but at least I have a mute button where I can call. 41 00:04:59,000 --> 00:05:06,000 You see I don't. Well I do but it shuts the whole thing down so it does me no good. 42 00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:13,000 Alrighty. So Rob, we're getting a lot of heat. We're getting way too much heat from this in number three. 43 00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:21,000 I mean people are all over us. I know we gotta do it but I think we need to change it and make it as stupid as possible. 44 00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:24,000 Just to be a dick back to them. 45 00:05:24,000 --> 00:05:29,000 You know something that doesn't make sense. Yeah, number three was good. 46 00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:32,000 We just gotta make it something. We're gonna have to change it up now. 47 00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:38,000 Something like I don't dress up a hamster. They chew off clothing. Or something stupid like that. 48 00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:43,000 Or my elbow itches. That's why I ate my sock. Something just stupid. 49 00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:48,000 They're gonna be like what? It doesn't have anything to do with anything. 50 00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:52,000 But at least I've been warned. 51 00:05:52,000 --> 00:06:02,000 Hey have you ever imagined how loud a centipede would sound if they wore flip flops? 52 00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:07,000 Honestly I think they'd make a pretty good song. Like a tap dance. 53 00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:11,000 Yeah that'd be alright. Hell yeah. Tap dancing with flip flops. A centipede. 54 00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:16,000 How many legs do they have? Like 30 or something? 55 00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:22,000 That means a hundred isn't it? Oh it probably is a hundred. I never counted them. 56 00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:26,000 No it's not well. I take it's a hundred. 57 00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:29,000 Well I gotta hint. You can't count them out in the sun. 58 00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:32,000 I'm taking math back in school. 59 00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:38,000 Okay, okay. Well I was doing it like this. I would roll them over on a sunny day. 60 00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:45,000 And I would put the magnifying glass on them. But they'd fry. They'd just burn up. Not good. 61 00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:51,000 Yeah that's right. Cause you have centipede and you got millipede. 62 00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:55,000 Yeah yeah yeah. You know what I'll have to look that up. 63 00:06:55,000 --> 00:07:00,000 Well centennial. Centennial. 100 years. 64 00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:05,000 Okay. Oh that's right. So that'd be centipede. And then millipede. 65 00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:10,000 Hmm. Okay. Millennial? A thousand? 66 00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:12,000 Something like that. Yeah. 67 00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:20,000 Wow. Okay. But it could be mill for like milliliter or millisecond. I don't know. You know what? Who gives a shit? 68 00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:22,000 Let's move on. 69 00:07:22,000 --> 00:07:29,000 You know I looked the dogs out the other night and they ran around the corner to the back deck and they started going nuts right? 70 00:07:29,000 --> 00:07:35,000 And I look over there to see the back of the deck because we have gates on each side of them. 71 00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:45,000 Because they used to get on, we had a dog that jumped, well we still have him but he would jump up on the hot tub and he would fucking chew on the top of it. 72 00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:51,000 And those tops are very expensive so after replacing a couple of them I put in a couple of gates. 73 00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:57,000 So this raccoon is running around in circles. He's a little one. He's pretty young you can tell. 74 00:07:57,000 --> 00:08:00,000 And you know I can't get them to shut up and leave the animal alone. 75 00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:06,000 So anyhow Val went outside to do the real busting because she's really good at it and I'm not. 76 00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:10,000 She went out there and corralled them all and had them all by the collars and brought them all in. 77 00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:16,000 So anyhow I'm like oh good. But then Val said you know you better take a look at that raccoon. 78 00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:20,000 I think they may have got it before it ran up on the deck. And I'm like oh shit. 79 00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:25,000 So I look over there on top of the hot tub and he's laying there motionless. 80 00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:32,000 And so I'm like oh shit. Now we got to you know now the poor little guy's dead. 81 00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:37,000 And you know and that's what I think anymore. You know I'm like oh poor guy's dead for no reason. 82 00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:40,000 And now I got to go deal with a fucking carcass tomorrow. 83 00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:46,000 So anyhow Val opens up the back door to go check you know to poke at him and make sure he's dead and not suffering. 84 00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:49,000 And that's another thing too. I didn't want to have to finish him off. 85 00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:54,000 But I was like going yeah I can't let him sit there and suffer so you'd have to do something. 86 00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:56,000 Which would suck. 87 00:08:56,000 --> 00:08:59,000 Like you could fire off a gun and sit on it. 88 00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:05,000 No it would have to be like a fucking brick or something. I got a gun but if someone hurt it they could you know. 89 00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:11,000 But oh wait a minute no I don't. I don't have a gun. I was just kidding around. No gun here. 90 00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:18,000 So anyhow Val opened up the back door and the raccoon jumped up and took off. 91 00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:21,000 It was playing possum dude. I didn't know that. 92 00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:26,000 Then I got to reading up on it. Raccoons play possum. Just like possums. I didn't know that. 93 00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:31,000 Yeah. Little fucker had me convinced. He was just lying there motionless with his eyes open. 94 00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:34,000 And I'm like oh shit man. They fucking got him. 95 00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:38,000 They must have been him just right or some shit and that was it. 96 00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:43,000 But yeah. Anyhow he jumped up and got off. So I'm like oh good good. 97 00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:48,000 I don't have to mess with a carcass. I don't have to finish him off. And he's okay. 98 00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:50,000 So that was pretty good. 99 00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:53,000 If you had to finish him off that would hurt your hot dog. 100 00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:57,000 No I wouldn't take him off the hot dog. 101 00:09:57,000 --> 00:10:00,000 Yeah. I would have had to get a stick or something. 102 00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:06,000 I mean because you can't pick him up. He'll bite the piss out of you of course. 103 00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:10,000 So then earlier that day. It was a weird day. 104 00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:14,000 I'm looking online and I spot an Olympia beer sign right. 105 00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:17,000 And you know I flipped out because you know. 106 00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:18,000 Oh hell yeah. 107 00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:20,000 You know what I mean. 108 00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:21,000 Olympia. Yes. 109 00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:23,000 Yeah and I was going to get it but it was click bait. 110 00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:26,000 I was fucking disappointed. I'm like damn it. 111 00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:29,000 The sign didn't actually exist. At least not on the link. 112 00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:33,000 I was sent to. Olympia is one of those forgotten beers right. 113 00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:37,000 Because Falstaff. Schlitz. All those are the sexy ones. 114 00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:42,000 But Olympia was never a sexy yard beer. Ham's was sexy. Right. 115 00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:44,000 It was always kind of like that. 116 00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:45,000 Oh go ahead. 117 00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:47,000 But it was good. It was good. 118 00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:49,000 Yeah. Yeah. Oh I liked it too. 119 00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:53,000 And then there's like old Milwaukee right. 120 00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:57,000 And Pabst currently owns. I did a search on this. 121 00:10:57,000 --> 00:11:01,000 Olympia is gone. It went under in like 1990. 122 00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:02,000 Heilemann Brewery had it. 123 00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:05,000 And then Heilemann Brewery went tits up. 124 00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:08,000 So they never. No one bought it to revive it. 125 00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:11,000 Like they did Pabst and Schlitz and all that. 126 00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:14,000 So anyhow but old Milwaukee is still alive. 127 00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:16,000 Pabst Brewery owns it. 128 00:11:16,000 --> 00:11:18,000 But it's regional. 129 00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:23,000 You can only get it like in certain areas and that's it. 130 00:11:23,000 --> 00:11:27,000 But it's like up north like Wisconsin or something. 131 00:11:27,000 --> 00:11:29,000 Or maybe Michigan. I was like damn it. 132 00:11:29,000 --> 00:11:31,000 But you could probably order it if you wanted. 133 00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:33,000 But I don't care about it that much. 134 00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:36,000 It has a beer locator on it. 135 00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:40,000 And anyhow so you could get it like that. 136 00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:43,000 But I mean it only. 137 00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:47,000 The beer locator only had like five hits and I was like three of them. 138 00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:50,000 So definitely nobody gives a shit about old Milwaukee. 139 00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:53,000 But anyhow I got to thinking. 140 00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:56,000 My very first summer job was sod laying. 141 00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:58,000 You remember sod laying don't you? 142 00:11:58,000 --> 00:12:03,000 You probably did some of it right when you were growing up. 143 00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:04,000 Yeah. 144 00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:06,000 Yeah. Yeah. It's a hard job. 145 00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:09,000 Especially when I was more than 20. 146 00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:15,000 Okay mine when I was. It was my first job ever. Summer I was 16 and looking to buy you know car money. 147 00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:17,000 I was wanting to buy a car. 148 00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:20,000 The company was managed and owned by this overbearing asshole. 149 00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:22,000 He was a real weird fuck. 150 00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:24,000 I mean he would say weird shit. 151 00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:26,000 And do weird stuff all the time. 152 00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:31,000 And anyhow old Milwaukee made me remind me of this guy. 153 00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:37,000 This guy would take. He would take these horrible middle of nowhere side and median of the highway job. 154 00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:40,000 Laying sod on the. You know from the state. 155 00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:42,000 The state would hire him. 156 00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:44,000 If they needed sod laid in the middle. 157 00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:47,000 Or he would bid on it. He'd always get it because he was a cheap ass. 158 00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:50,000 You know he paid us nothing and we had to stay in cheap hotels. 159 00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:55,000 But anyhow he would take like the side of the highway is all decayed and shit. 160 00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:57,000 And we'd have to put dirt there. 161 00:12:57,000 --> 00:13:01,000 And then we'd have to build it up and put sod on there with stakes in it and all that stuff. 162 00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:05,000 Or the median was all fucking bruised up from a wreck. 163 00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:07,000 Or a patch of it caught on fire. 164 00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:09,000 Or whatever. 165 00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:12,000 And we were the poor bastards who had to lay the sod in there. 166 00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:17,000 But these sucked particularly bad because over an hour away he would make us stay there. 167 00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:20,000 He would buy cheap old nasty hotel rooms. 168 00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:25,000 And we'd have to bunk with some slimy smelly old man that hated life. 169 00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:28,000 He usually had horrible breath and very bad gas. 170 00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:30,000 I can remember it right now. 171 00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:36,000 So anyhow and this is all the other ones except for another guy that was 16 that started with me. 172 00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:43,000 And anyhow this owner tool bag would not fire you unless you drank or not fire you. 173 00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:46,000 He wouldn't hire you unless you drank a six pack of old Milwaukee with him. 174 00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:48,000 Right? 175 00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:50,000 And I was 16 years old. 176 00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:55,000 And I was jonesing for any type of the beer and old Milwaukee was still horrible dude. 177 00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:57,000 It was still horrible. 178 00:13:57,000 --> 00:14:03,000 When I was 16 just jonesing for any type of beer at all right. 179 00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:05,000 You're just looking for anything. 180 00:14:05,000 --> 00:14:09,000 And so anyhow how bizarre is that? 181 00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:13,000 He has a 16 year old drink a six pack with him because that's his tradition. 182 00:14:13,000 --> 00:14:15,000 Times have changed right? 183 00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:17,000 Back then that was nothing. 184 00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:20,000 It was like oh yeah yeah yeah he does that to everybody. 185 00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:22,000 He makes you drink a six pack with him. 186 00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:25,000 Kind of like prove your manhood or some shit. 187 00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:27,000 I don't know. 188 00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:33,000 So come on my 16th birthday I went to work at Jeff's and Jim's with you and everybody. 189 00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:35,000 Yeah sorry about that. 190 00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:38,000 The waitresses would bring you a pitcher of beer. 191 00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:40,000 Yes. 192 00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:45,000 Each of us would get our own pitcher of beer before ship. 193 00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:48,000 I'm a 16 pack of years old. 194 00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:51,000 Come on though I'm lucky to turn out as good as I did. 195 00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:55,000 You know I think the waitresses lied for us. 196 00:14:55,000 --> 00:15:00,000 I think they said it was for somebody of age and they knew that you know what would motivate us. 197 00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:02,000 Yeah they did. 198 00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:04,000 What would motivate us at that age there's two things. 199 00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:06,000 Pussy and beer. 200 00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:08,000 They were older so they knew. 201 00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:09,000 They knew us. 202 00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:15,000 Yeah they couldn't force any bus girl into giving us any but they could damn sure give us beer right. 203 00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:19,000 So anyhow. 204 00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:25,000 So every job we would take he loaded up seven or eight of us in the old blue suburban with no air conditioning. 205 00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:27,000 It was fucking miserable. 206 00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:32,000 Like I said some of these jobs are two hours away and they all stunk like BO and Camel non filters. 207 00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:36,000 I mean I still remember now it's fucking horrible. 208 00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:41,000 So the asshole he always drove and he never stopped for a bathroom break. 209 00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:44,000 He would tell you to piss in a bottle. 210 00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:50,000 Crammed in that fucking suburb and with seven or eight idiots around you made it impossible to piss in a fucking bottle. 211 00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:52,000 It's hard enough to do anyhow right. 212 00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:56,000 Especially when they're driving down the road and hitting fucking bumps and all kinds of stuff. 213 00:15:56,000 --> 00:16:04,000 So you're always going to have some of this shit land on you or land on someone else and they get mad and start yelling at you. 214 00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:05,000 So it's impossible. 215 00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:10,000 So basically what you have to do is you had to sit there and your fucking gut about to explode because this idiot. 216 00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:17,000 And then a lot of times he wouldn't even stop you know he wouldn't even stop before we went anywhere you know to the road. 217 00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:21,000 He'd go oh here's the job drop us off there and you still had to piss but there's no bathroom. 218 00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:25,000 And a lot of places it's a highway so there's cars going by all the time. 219 00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:28,000 So you're sitting there going fuck I don't know what to do. 220 00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:41,000 So anyhow I waited one day you know and he was we were working at a gas station. 221 00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:43,000 I'm trying to remember this right here on the spot. 222 00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:44,000 I'm sorry. 223 00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:47,000 OK so we're working at a gas station right. 224 00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:50,000 And there was a pay phone if you don't know what I'm talking about. 225 00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:51,000 Look it up. 226 00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:53,000 OK a pay phone right Rob. 227 00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:56,000 You put a quarter in it and call somebody right. 228 00:16:56,000 --> 00:16:58,000 For real I'm not joking. 229 00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:00,000 One time it was just a dime. 230 00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:03,000 Yeah it was a dime for a while and then it went to a quarter. 231 00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:11,000 And then you could go four or five quarters in them sometimes for long distance and get long distance and stuff like that. 232 00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:15,000 So we're laying sod at this gas station and I was sick of this motherfucker right. 233 00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:17,000 I was so sick of him. 234 00:17:17,000 --> 00:17:25,000 Him and his fucking whole thing about making you piss your pants and fucking always saying weird shit and stuff. 235 00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:31,000 You would always have to go get your check from his house even though you worked with him all day. 236 00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:34,000 He made you go there and they had this canister in front of it. 237 00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:35,000 You have no. 238 00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:36,000 Oh Mark. 239 00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:37,000 OK. 240 00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:38,000 And then you go. 241 00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:40,000 He was just a weird son of a bitch. 242 00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:44,000 So so we was at the was at this gas station working. 243 00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:49,000 I see this pay phone and this was over. 244 00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:57,000 Oh shit. 245 00:17:57,000 --> 00:17:59,000 Is it the new gas station? 246 00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:00,000 Yeah kind of over it. 247 00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:01,000 Yes yeah. 248 00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:02,000 Yeah you hit it right there. 249 00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:03,000 OK. 250 00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:06,000 So right there by the little red bridge cut there. 251 00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:07,000 Yeah yeah. 252 00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:09,000 That was the gas station actually. 253 00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:12,000 It's old now but it was new at the time. 254 00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:16,280 I had a friend that lived right down the road, right? So I go to this payphone 255 00:18:16,280 --> 00:18:19,560 I call him up and I go hey dude. I said hey come come by and get me 256 00:18:19,560 --> 00:18:21,560 I'm gonna be over on the back side of this thing 257 00:18:21,660 --> 00:18:27,680 So I'm sitting there working and I look over there and there's my buddy over there and his trans am I fucking run over there 258 00:18:27,680 --> 00:18:32,720 When nobody's seeing me, right? I jump in there. I fucking take off. So anyhow 259 00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:36,280 so what happened is is 260 00:18:36,280 --> 00:18:43,080 They you know, I I disappeared and they didn't know where the fuck I was so 261 00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:48,840 He had all those employees look for me for about an hour and you know 262 00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:53,920 They didn't we didn't have cell phones back then all we had was pay phones. So they didn't know what happened. Okay, so 263 00:18:55,120 --> 00:19:02,040 Anyhow, so I just took off with my buddy. So I quit but I didn't tell him right so I'm waiting a month for my final check 264 00:19:02,040 --> 00:19:03,920 to come in 265 00:19:03,920 --> 00:19:08,680 He he always sent the final checks in the mail because I knew everybody that worked for him. Okay, so 266 00:19:09,240 --> 00:19:13,320 I called down there. He won't give me the check unless I picked it up myself from his home 267 00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:19,480 I'm like, oh fuck. I gotta go see that motherfucker. He's gonna bitch me out for quitting like that. I know so 268 00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:24,760 We went there and I like I said, there's a cancer in the front porch where we get our checks weekly 269 00:19:24,760 --> 00:19:27,000 But there's no check in there. So I had to knock 270 00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:30,480 You know after he called me a pussy a few times 271 00:19:30,480 --> 00:19:34,240 He gave me my check and he formed me that my last check was missing a day's pay 272 00:19:34,640 --> 00:19:39,480 Because he had his whole crew look for me for an hour and he had to pay them for it 273 00:19:39,920 --> 00:19:42,360 So I was really pissed. I'm like that fucker 274 00:19:42,360 --> 00:19:43,280 I know, you know 275 00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:44,560 I know damn well 276 00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:50,000 That my check didn't equal out there by getting an extra hour and he probably didn't even look for an hour 277 00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:52,840 He probably looked for 20 minutes and said fuck the guy and left 278 00:19:52,840 --> 00:19:58,440 He didn't like me any how and I didn't like him and we knew it but he wouldn't fire me because then I would get unemployment 279 00:19:58,440 --> 00:20:04,000 So he just kept me on and he thought it was funny seeing me fucking sweat bullets every day 280 00:20:04,720 --> 00:20:11,280 So anyhow this sod company was in Lewisburg. You might guess the name right in Lewisburg, Kansas 281 00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:14,200 Okay, right 282 00:20:14,520 --> 00:20:16,520 Do you know who I'm talking about now Rob? 283 00:20:16,520 --> 00:20:27,080 Okay, do you know him personally and what a fucking weirdo he is? 284 00:20:30,680 --> 00:20:35,720 Yes, okay, so I kept going by and I see this fucking old suburban 285 00:20:36,120 --> 00:20:42,620 In in Lewisburg where he lived and where his business was and the river Betsy's cafe on main 286 00:20:42,620 --> 00:20:48,100 Yes, yeah, they had those huge fucking cinnamon rolls the size of birthday cakes 287 00:20:48,100 --> 00:20:50,100 Oh god, they were so 288 00:20:50,100 --> 00:20:51,100 Oh fuck 289 00:20:51,100 --> 00:20:52,100 Oh those are delicious 290 00:20:52,100 --> 00:20:57,340 Oh my if I could go back in time and eat one of them. Oh gosh. Oh my god. Yes 291 00:20:57,340 --> 00:21:02,980 Oh, they were they were just they were divine. So unless you were there 292 00:21:02,980 --> 00:21:04,980 They had awesome biscuits and gravy too 293 00:21:04,980 --> 00:21:09,900 Oh gosh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They had that really spicy country gravy 294 00:21:09,900 --> 00:21:16,780 They bought it from the the Elmer's farm down the road and yeah, that shit was so good. Oh my god 295 00:21:18,780 --> 00:21:26,740 Hell man, yeah any hell they haven't been there for years so they what they closed down like 90 or something 93 296 00:21:29,460 --> 00:21:30,860 Yeah, we are sorry about that 297 00:21:30,860 --> 00:21:36,660 I think they got a divorce or something and they both said fuck you and quit the business or whatever. But anyhow 298 00:21:36,660 --> 00:21:43,820 So he always left the door he was in there and Betsy's cafe probably getting some B&G and some of those cinnamon rolls 299 00:21:43,820 --> 00:21:45,500 We're talking about right? 300 00:21:45,500 --> 00:21:48,700 So so anyhow, he always left the doors unlocked 301 00:21:48,900 --> 00:21:56,060 So I snuck over to rear passenger side on the back and I pissed all over his floorboard to get him back, right? 302 00:21:57,060 --> 00:22:03,000 So anyhow, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Anyhow, I'm like I'll leave there. I fucking take off. I like he by this time 303 00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:05,000 I had my car because 304 00:22:05,000 --> 00:22:09,280 Maybe it was just in Jim's. I know no no no no no no no no 305 00:22:09,280 --> 00:22:13,880 I was bricklaying after that the rest of the summer and that's how I got my car money 306 00:22:13,880 --> 00:22:19,120 So I had a car by this time and you know, I'm tooling around Lewisburg, you know looking for strays and 307 00:22:20,120 --> 00:22:21,840 and 308 00:22:21,840 --> 00:22:23,840 anyhow, you know, I 309 00:22:23,840 --> 00:22:27,560 See a suburban so I sneak over there and he didn't know my car 310 00:22:27,560 --> 00:22:31,600 You know, he would look out there just be another car. I didn't have that car when I worked for him 311 00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:36,000 So actually I had no car. So I pissed in the back there 312 00:22:36,320 --> 00:22:40,960 So anyhow, I heard he blamed some other kid for spilling his piss in the bottle in the backseat 313 00:22:45,600 --> 00:22:46,600 But 314 00:22:46,600 --> 00:22:47,560 Anyhow 315 00:22:47,560 --> 00:22:54,160 Yeah, he was all pissed off and fucking chewing somebody out going you pissed all over my floorboard trying to piss in that bottle or something 316 00:22:54,160 --> 00:22:59,400 And he got fucking blamed and I think he took money out of his check to fucking clean that old 317 00:22:59,400 --> 00:23:01,400 fucking smelly suburban 318 00:23:02,760 --> 00:23:06,640 He had no idea he had no idea left him at present a 319 00:23:07,040 --> 00:23:12,760 Couple people did and that's how I found out about him blaming this fucking kid this little red-haired motherfucker 320 00:23:12,760 --> 00:23:17,560 I didn't like him anyhow. He blamed him for pissing all over the floorboard when it wasn't him 321 00:23:19,080 --> 00:23:23,360 Anyhow, oh Milwaukee started all this Rob. Can you please? 322 00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:26,320 Get us back on course 323 00:23:26,320 --> 00:23:30,240 I'm gonna try to I don't know if it's possible, but please 324 00:23:31,920 --> 00:23:35,280 Yeah, here's this one guy take patient loops to 325 00:23:37,280 --> 00:23:46,040 President Donald Trump said that he will be issuing a complete pardon for the late baseball player Pete Rose 326 00:23:48,480 --> 00:23:50,480 Okay 327 00:23:50,480 --> 00:23:52,480 Um 328 00:23:52,760 --> 00:23:54,760 Okay 329 00:23:56,800 --> 00:24:03,640 Well the president also criticized major league baseball for never having the courage or decency 330 00:24:04,040 --> 00:24:06,760 To end up Rose and it's Hall of Fame. Oh 331 00:24:08,800 --> 00:24:10,800 Through social late Friday 332 00:24:10,800 --> 00:24:18,440 Okay, so that Trump's Trump's gonna pardon me for it, okay 333 00:24:18,440 --> 00:24:24,280 Will that give him to this story? Okay, go ahead. Go ahead. I think I know where it's gonna go. Go ahead, please 334 00:24:24,560 --> 00:24:25,920 Yeah 335 00:24:25,920 --> 00:24:32,600 Baseball legend who is best known for his time with the Cincinnati Reds and nicknamed Charlie Hussle 336 00:24:33,200 --> 00:24:37,760 Was banned from baseball for getting for betting on games 337 00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:42,120 He also served several months in prison for tax evasion 338 00:24:42,840 --> 00:24:46,720 The all-time hit leader passed away last year 339 00:24:47,600 --> 00:24:49,600 83 years old 340 00:24:49,640 --> 00:24:55,600 He never met against himself or the other team. He had the most hits by far 341 00:24:56,840 --> 00:25:03,160 Baseball history and won more games than anyone in sports history Trump wrote 342 00:25:03,160 --> 00:25:12,840 He said Rose was a much better player than many already in the Hall of Fame and called on the league to award Rose the honor 343 00:25:13,800 --> 00:25:17,200 I was she was sleep. He's right man 344 00:25:18,920 --> 00:25:20,920 Okay 345 00:25:20,920 --> 00:25:28,360 But the Hall of Fame which is closely tied, but not this big major league baseball 346 00:25:28,360 --> 00:25:35,160 Major League Baseball generally did not honor players that have been banned from the game 347 00:25:36,480 --> 00:25:38,480 Mm-hmm 348 00:25:39,040 --> 00:25:42,640 So even though he's pardoned he's probably not gonna get in the Hall of Fame 349 00:25:43,640 --> 00:25:45,320 that's 350 00:25:45,320 --> 00:25:48,960 What I'm guessing. Oh that sucks. That really sucks 351 00:25:50,320 --> 00:25:53,800 And the president's trying to talk to me talking into it 352 00:25:53,800 --> 00:26:01,120 I hope they do Pete Rose deserves be in the Hall of Fame because look at all the other people that are Hall of Fame that 353 00:26:01,120 --> 00:26:06,520 had scandals and all kinds of shit drug stuff and and I'm not even gonna go into the 354 00:26:07,560 --> 00:26:09,560 performance enhancing debate because 355 00:26:09,960 --> 00:26:17,480 My my view on that is it was not illegal when these guys did it so they did nothing wrong, you know, but 356 00:26:17,480 --> 00:26:26,160 Just just like Trump said he never betted on his team or the other team he was bet on other games 357 00:26:28,440 --> 00:26:31,800 Yeah, I'm really understand 358 00:26:33,600 --> 00:26:35,600 Go ahead 359 00:26:36,080 --> 00:26:42,280 I just I just think they carried it too far. I think they need to finally allow me in here 360 00:26:42,480 --> 00:26:45,520 Here's what I read what he did do while he was playing 361 00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:50,640 Here's what I read about the situation and I think it's true. It came from several different sources 362 00:26:51,120 --> 00:26:53,120 that I read and 363 00:26:53,200 --> 00:26:59,280 Okay, Bart Giamatti is the one that gave him basically the death sentence in baseball 364 00:27:00,240 --> 00:27:04,280 Bart Giamatti was not was not just mad about gambling 365 00:27:04,280 --> 00:27:10,560 But he was pissed off and he died shortly after that Bart Giamatti the commissioner of baseball at the time 366 00:27:10,560 --> 00:27:14,280 He died like a month later after he made the death ruling on on Rose 367 00:27:14,280 --> 00:27:18,800 Okay, Bart Giamatti was pissed because Rose would never fess up to it 368 00:27:18,800 --> 00:27:23,960 And that's why he wanted to keep the ban and and to keep him out of the Hall of Fame 369 00:27:24,640 --> 00:27:27,480 People are doing it now because that's what Bart 370 00:27:28,040 --> 00:27:34,040 Wanted when he passed away and they felt that Rose done him wrong because he never would fess up to it 371 00:27:36,040 --> 00:27:40,280 And I think that that might be somewhat true if not all the way true 372 00:27:40,280 --> 00:27:45,560 I don't think it yeah, I don't think it warrants. What's going on. I think he should be in the Hall of Fame 373 00:27:45,560 --> 00:27:51,000 I think he had his passion shit. He's dead now, you know, he'll never get to know that he's in the Hall of Fame 374 00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:58,000 I don't think you know, but anyhow Wow. Okay. I had no idea Trump did that. That's that's cool. Yeah 375 00:27:58,760 --> 00:28:00,760 Okay, cool 376 00:28:01,720 --> 00:28:04,960 Let's see, do you want to take our first break and I got some emails 377 00:28:06,280 --> 00:28:08,760 Yeah, all right, there's a couple of things I want to say 378 00:28:08,760 --> 00:28:11,080 Yeah, sounds good. All right. They're good. Like always 379 00:28:12,080 --> 00:28:14,080 No, can't wait 380 00:28:14,480 --> 00:28:17,240 In order for us here at two douchebags and microphone 381 00:28:18,160 --> 00:28:23,480 We feel bad for not having a female presence. So for us to not look sexist 382 00:28:23,560 --> 00:28:29,320 We're going to occasionally have a female laugh in the background. We hope this clears up any misunderstanding 383 00:28:29,320 --> 00:28:38,320 These guys are inviting as a used hypodermic needle 384 00:28:38,320 --> 00:28:40,320 Origin of April fools 385 00:28:40,320 --> 00:28:47,320 Religious holdouts in the 16th century refused to celebrate the reestablished New Year's date on January 1st 386 00:28:47,320 --> 00:28:53,320 Preferent the end of the Holy Week in April making them April fools 387 00:28:53,320 --> 00:28:59,320 You watch the news. It looks grim. Is an apocalypse inevitable? 388 00:28:59,320 --> 00:29:05,320 We suggest you download all of our podcasts beforehand and have multiple mobile chargers 389 00:29:05,320 --> 00:29:09,320 We have the post-apocalypse lists 390 00:29:12,320 --> 00:29:16,320 This is a list of medium-term food storage 391 00:29:16,320 --> 00:29:19,320 Boat staple food items 392 00:29:19,320 --> 00:29:27,320 Rice, pasta, flour, oats, granola, herbs and spices 393 00:29:27,320 --> 00:29:43,320 Beans, canned meat, pickled vegetables, dried fruit, instant potatoes, boxed or canned food, peanut butter, jerky, energy protein bars, oils, sauces and condiments in the fast food type packaging 394 00:29:44,320 --> 00:29:47,320 Now it's time for pick up lines from a loser 395 00:29:47,320 --> 00:29:52,320 If you were a vegetable, you would be a cute conber 396 00:29:52,320 --> 00:30:11,320 The apocalypse just happened. You don't know what to do. You don't know where to go. But we can tell you what you can eat 397 00:30:11,320 --> 00:30:21,320 How to stay clean during an apocalypse. Plant oils such as cedarwood, rosewood and rose are often added to soaps to impart their scents 398 00:30:21,320 --> 00:30:30,320 The fruits of several native North American plants contain sufficient levels of saponin to produce lather and can be used as soaps or shampoos 399 00:30:30,320 --> 00:30:37,320 Have you ever wondered where something came from? Have you ever looked at something and said, I wonder what the origin of that is? 400 00:30:37,320 --> 00:30:42,320 Well, so have we. That's why we give you The Origin of 401 00:30:44,320 --> 00:30:47,320 The Origin of Cohaba Cigars 402 00:30:47,320 --> 00:30:59,320 Cuban Cohaba origins trace back to the middle 1960s when a bodyguard at the Del Castro shared some of his private supply cigars made by a local artisan named Eduardo Rivera 403 00:30:59,320 --> 00:31:09,320 These cigars placed Castro so much that a special production of the unbranded blend, produced under tight security, was made for Castro and other top government officials 404 00:31:09,320 --> 00:31:22,320 The production of Cohaba in 1968 began as a blend for only top Cuban officials but began selling outside Cuba in 1982. This is in conjunction with the 1982 World Cup 405 00:31:22,320 --> 00:31:27,320 They used to call it Jump-O-Leave until your mama got on it 406 00:31:27,320 --> 00:31:35,320 Tomorrow morning while grinding your coffee beans for your double mocha latte, remember to not get your genitals caught in the grinder 407 00:31:35,320 --> 00:31:41,320 It really hurts and who can afford plastic surgery? Stay safe everyone 408 00:31:41,320 --> 00:31:57,320 Now, for a limited time only, Rob Rad's new video series, How to Booty Clap and Quirk. That's right, Rob shows you his signature booty clap and how to quirk with ease 409 00:31:57,320 --> 00:32:14,320 Order today and get a free pair of thongs with Rob's initials on them. That's right, Rob's initials on a pair of thongs and learn how to booty clap with the best, Rob 410 00:32:14,320 --> 00:32:18,320 Next up, Things Overheard in Hell 411 00:32:18,320 --> 00:32:23,320 Cocks with socks are the only footwear allowed in Hell 412 00:32:23,320 --> 00:32:33,320 Topher, Mark and Rob would like you to know that just because they have a podcast does not mean their asshole does not stink 413 00:32:33,320 --> 00:32:37,320 I know them pretty well and their asshole does stink 414 00:32:37,320 --> 00:32:43,320 So, just so you know, their asshole stinks just like yours 415 00:32:43,320 --> 00:32:46,320 Christopher, you know our elaborate prank section, right? 416 00:32:46,320 --> 00:32:47,320 Mm-hmm 417 00:32:47,320 --> 00:32:51,320 Okay, well, I've got one for you. I never told you about Babble Snatch, have I? 418 00:32:51,320 --> 00:32:53,320 Uh, no, no 419 00:32:53,320 --> 00:32:55,320 Okay, even if I did, just say I didn't know that 420 00:32:55,320 --> 00:32:57,320 You know, there's nothing about Babble Snatch 421 00:32:57,320 --> 00:33:00,320 Yeah, I think I remember a name like Babble Snatch 422 00:33:00,320 --> 00:33:06,320 Okay, well, Babble Snatch, this is back in the 80s, probably mid-80s, best guess 423 00:33:06,320 --> 00:33:09,320 Could have been 87 at the latest, but anyhow 424 00:33:09,320 --> 00:33:16,320 Yeah, I used to go to the 7-Eleven in Belvedere, which isn't there now, it was knocked down and then replaced way later by a quick trip 425 00:33:16,320 --> 00:33:23,320 But anyhow, I used to go in there all the time and you know, go in there and buy sodas and shit and whatever, you know 426 00:33:23,320 --> 00:33:26,320 Rolling papers for my friends, not for me 427 00:33:26,320 --> 00:33:29,320 And anyhow, you know, just shit like that 428 00:33:29,320 --> 00:33:36,320 So anyhow, there's this guy in there, he, I don't know, you know, I think he hated long hairs or something 429 00:33:36,320 --> 00:33:39,320 But anyhow, I noticed he was nice to everybody but me 430 00:33:39,320 --> 00:33:43,320 Like I'd be like third in line and anyhow, you know, the first guy 431 00:33:43,320 --> 00:33:45,320 Hey, Mr. Jones, how you doing? 432 00:33:45,320 --> 00:33:47,320 Oh man, yeah, nice weather 433 00:33:47,320 --> 00:33:50,320 Hey, how's the kid? You know, next person 434 00:33:50,320 --> 00:33:52,320 Hi, Loretta, how you doing? 435 00:33:52,320 --> 00:33:55,320 Oh man, yeah, yeah, yeah, everything's going good, man 436 00:33:55,320 --> 00:33:57,320 I got the old Taurus running really good 437 00:33:57,320 --> 00:33:59,320 Yeah, yeah, come by, man, we'll 438 00:33:59,320 --> 00:34:01,320 The old Taurus, I love it 439 00:34:01,320 --> 00:34:03,320 I come up there, 142 440 00:34:03,320 --> 00:34:06,320 So how you doing, po- 441 00:34:06,320 --> 00:34:08,320 142 442 00:34:08,320 --> 00:34:09,320 Okay, here you go 443 00:34:09,320 --> 00:34:12,320 And I'm like, what the hell, how come this guy hates me? 444 00:34:12,320 --> 00:34:18,320 Every time I go in there, nicest pipe ever made, but me, it's like, just like, I'd be 249 445 00:34:18,320 --> 00:34:21,320 So, weather's pretty nice out there 446 00:34:21,320 --> 00:34:22,320 Thanks, bye 447 00:34:22,320 --> 00:34:24,320 I'm like, yeah, motherfucker 448 00:34:24,320 --> 00:34:30,320 So he did this so many times and he just never talked to me, he wouldn't even like, hardly look at me, you know 449 00:34:30,320 --> 00:34:33,320 And I never did nothing to this fucker that I know of 450 00:34:33,320 --> 00:34:38,320 You know, maybe someone said something like this guy said, you know, that you're a dick or 451 00:34:38,320 --> 00:34:42,320 Maybe someone's screwing with him, like, hey man, you think you got a nice ass, who knows 452 00:34:42,320 --> 00:34:46,320 Whatever the fucking deal was, the guy was just a complete tool bag to me constantly 453 00:34:46,320 --> 00:34:48,320 So I was like, alright bitch 454 00:34:48,320 --> 00:34:50,320 So I go home and I think about it, I'm like, okay 455 00:34:50,320 --> 00:34:55,320 So I start calling up and I go, hey, you got any Babel Snatch gum? 456 00:34:55,320 --> 00:34:57,320 What? Babel Snatch? 457 00:34:57,320 --> 00:35:02,320 I mean, everybody, I mean, I bought it from there a couple weeks ago 458 00:35:02,320 --> 00:35:04,320 Stuff is fucking awesome, man 459 00:35:04,320 --> 00:35:07,320 I'll tell you what, man, you know, talk to your manager about it 460 00:35:07,320 --> 00:35:09,320 Is this like a breath freshening gum? 461 00:35:09,320 --> 00:35:11,320 I don't, you know 462 00:35:11,320 --> 00:35:12,320 Maybe a bubble gum? 463 00:35:12,320 --> 00:35:17,320 I just came up with it and anyhow, the guy, he bent on it, you know 464 00:35:17,320 --> 00:35:20,320 He was like, oh yeah, I'll check on it for you 465 00:35:20,320 --> 00:35:22,320 Hey, thanks man, I appreciate it 466 00:35:22,320 --> 00:35:24,320 So anyhow, so I called back a little bit later 467 00:35:24,320 --> 00:35:26,320 Yeah, someone called earlier, you know 468 00:35:26,320 --> 00:35:29,320 And anyhow, I'm sure we have it here somewhere 469 00:35:29,320 --> 00:35:33,320 But you know, I'll talk to my manager about it tonight and we'll see what we can do 470 00:35:33,320 --> 00:35:37,320 So anyhow, I have a couple other people call it about Babel Snatch gum and you know 471 00:35:37,320 --> 00:35:41,320 And they're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, you know, we're working on getting it in, okay 472 00:35:41,320 --> 00:35:46,320 You know, the regional manager, we called him and he said he was going to work on getting it in here 473 00:35:46,320 --> 00:35:50,320 And I go, well, you know, I bought it the other day and it's just so good 474 00:35:50,320 --> 00:35:54,320 And they believe me, I go, man, this gum is just so great tasting 475 00:35:54,320 --> 00:35:57,320 And he's like, it's Babel Snatch, right? Yeah, Babel Snatch, that's the name of it 476 00:35:57,320 --> 00:35:59,320 Okay, all right 477 00:35:59,320 --> 00:36:04,320 I love to listen into the conversation when he's asking the regional manager about Babel Snatch gum 478 00:36:04,320 --> 00:36:07,320 Oh yeah, so you know, anyhow 479 00:36:07,320 --> 00:36:11,320 I called down there the next day and I go, hey man, you know, you got that Babel Snatch gum 480 00:36:11,320 --> 00:36:15,320 You know, the guy's like, oh, hang on, hang on, I think it's in, we just had a load, hang on 481 00:36:15,320 --> 00:36:19,320 So anyhow, so the guy's like, you know, and this is the guy I hated, the Paul guy 482 00:36:19,320 --> 00:36:21,320 So anyhow, he's like, yeah, hang on a second 483 00:36:21,320 --> 00:36:25,320 So I hear him like, yeah, I'm going to go to the back there and it's in one of the boxes 484 00:36:25,320 --> 00:36:27,320 They said it was coming in today 485 00:36:27,320 --> 00:36:29,320 So all right, no big deal 486 00:36:29,320 --> 00:36:32,320 So I hear him go back, I hear some rustling and a couple people come in 487 00:36:32,320 --> 00:36:34,320 And then he stops, he goes up there 488 00:36:34,320 --> 00:36:36,320 Oh yeah, that'd be $12.42 489 00:36:36,320 --> 00:36:37,320 Okay, thank you, have a good day 490 00:36:37,320 --> 00:36:40,320 And then he helps someone else and I hear him go back again 491 00:36:40,320 --> 00:36:42,320 I hear him rustling through some more boxes 492 00:36:42,320 --> 00:36:45,320 Meanwhile, I'm laughing my ass off 493 00:36:45,320 --> 00:36:50,320 Anyhow, this guy, he like, for like 20 minutes is looking for Babel Snatch gum 494 00:36:50,320 --> 00:36:54,320 So anyhow, so like 495 00:36:54,320 --> 00:36:59,320 Finally, like a half hour later, he comes back and he goes, man, he goes, look, I know we're going to have it in by the end of the day 496 00:36:59,320 --> 00:37:01,320 I talked to my manager 497 00:37:01,320 --> 00:37:03,320 Okay, all right, man 498 00:37:03,320 --> 00:37:05,320 All right, I'll come in at night and I'll get some gum, man 499 00:37:05,320 --> 00:37:07,320 Save some for me, man, okay? 500 00:37:07,320 --> 00:37:09,320 My name's Billy, I'll be in 501 00:37:09,320 --> 00:37:13,320 Okay, okay, all right, I'll save you some Babel Snatch gum, no problem 502 00:37:13,320 --> 00:37:16,320 So a couple hours later, I call up and I talked to the manager 503 00:37:16,320 --> 00:37:19,320 The manager's like, yeah, yeah, I ordered some a couple days ago and it should be in 504 00:37:19,320 --> 00:37:23,320 If it's not in right now, it's going to be in by the end of the day, I guarantee you 505 00:37:23,320 --> 00:37:25,320 So I don't know how the hell they ordered it 506 00:37:25,320 --> 00:37:28,320 Because there's no such thing as Babel Snatch gum 507 00:37:28,320 --> 00:37:33,320 I made this shut up and all of a sudden, I mean, everybody wanted this fucking Babel Snatch gum 508 00:37:33,320 --> 00:37:35,320 And it never did exist 509 00:37:35,320 --> 00:37:38,320 Matter of fact, this prank got so good to where I ended up 510 00:37:38,320 --> 00:37:44,320 This is, you know, in the 80s before digital cameras even, let alone, you know, our phone cameras 511 00:37:44,320 --> 00:37:47,320 And all the, you know, Photoshop and everything 512 00:37:47,320 --> 00:37:48,320 No internet 513 00:37:48,320 --> 00:37:53,320 No, we had to like cut stuff out of wrappers and stuff and make a fake Babel Snatch gum 514 00:37:53,320 --> 00:37:58,320 And take an old fashioned like a Polaroid type of picture 515 00:37:58,320 --> 00:38:01,320 I forgot what it was, it could have been one of those little box cameras back then 516 00:38:01,320 --> 00:38:03,320 Probably the only thing I could afford, you know 517 00:38:03,320 --> 00:38:07,320 Anyway, we actually took a picture of the Babel Snatch gum 518 00:38:07,320 --> 00:38:09,320 And a guy went in there and he goes, hey man, I need this 519 00:38:09,320 --> 00:38:12,320 And the guy's like, I know, I know, I know, man, we're working on getting it in 520 00:38:12,320 --> 00:38:16,320 It's hard to get, man, everybody wants this Babel Snatch gum 521 00:38:16,320 --> 00:38:20,320 So anyhow, I guess the whole moral of the story is, is don't be a dick to me 522 00:38:20,320 --> 00:38:22,320 Because then I'll do something like that 523 00:38:22,320 --> 00:38:26,320 And even now, to this day, I'll have a couple people on my friends list every now 524 00:38:26,320 --> 00:38:29,320 And they'd like send me a little message and I'll go, Babel Snatch 525 00:38:29,320 --> 00:38:31,320 I'm like, ah ha ha 526 00:38:31,320 --> 00:38:36,320 Remember one time I was like working up in fucking New York or something 527 00:38:36,320 --> 00:38:40,320 And all of a sudden I get a ding and like I'm on top of this fucking skyscraper 528 00:38:40,320 --> 00:38:42,320 They were putting in glass 529 00:38:42,320 --> 00:38:44,320 And I look down and it says Babel Snatch 530 00:38:44,320 --> 00:38:46,320 And I'm like, fuck 531 00:38:46,320 --> 00:38:52,320 I hope they're dying this glass about ready to fall and kill a hundred people 532 00:38:52,320 --> 00:38:55,320 They recover your body and they look at your phone 533 00:38:55,320 --> 00:38:58,320 And the last text you received said Babel Snatch 534 00:38:58,320 --> 00:39:02,320 We better look into this 535 00:39:02,320 --> 00:39:07,320 By some guy named Dirtbag 536 00:39:07,320 --> 00:39:11,320 So anyhow, that is my elaborate prank section of this 537 00:39:11,320 --> 00:39:14,320 Unless we throw some more in there, but anyhow 538 00:39:14,320 --> 00:39:16,320 Babel Snatch, never forget it 539 00:39:16,320 --> 00:39:18,320 This name lives on 540 00:39:18,320 --> 00:39:20,320 Hey there, fuckstick 541 00:39:20,320 --> 00:39:24,320 You're just in time for brand new feature news nobody gives a shit about 542 00:39:24,320 --> 00:39:29,320 In a remote area in France, an armadillo was found alive 543 00:39:29,320 --> 00:39:31,320 And no one knows how it got there 544 00:39:33,320 --> 00:39:36,320 When I was with that band, I wasn't drinking 545 00:39:36,320 --> 00:39:40,320 So when we played drinking games, I'd have to drink this water 546 00:39:40,320 --> 00:39:43,320 Which is not really much of a game 547 00:39:43,320 --> 00:39:46,320 Because half the game is watching everyone get drunk 548 00:39:46,320 --> 00:39:48,320 And they have to take a drink or whatever 549 00:39:48,320 --> 00:39:50,320 It gives you a one up though, you see stupid shit happening 550 00:39:50,320 --> 00:39:53,320 And other people don't identify with it because they're smashed 551 00:39:53,320 --> 00:39:57,320 But then again, it'd be fun or smashed because you'd be like, ah ha ha 552 00:39:57,320 --> 00:40:00,320 Well they came up with a variation for me since 553 00:40:00,320 --> 00:40:03,320 Instead of drinking alcohol, I was drinking water 554 00:40:03,320 --> 00:40:06,320 They made the exception that I could not get up 555 00:40:06,320 --> 00:40:08,320 I couldn't leave the circle to go pee 556 00:40:08,320 --> 00:40:10,320 Everyone else could 557 00:40:10,320 --> 00:40:13,320 But since I wasn't getting hammered on water 558 00:40:13,320 --> 00:40:15,320 Then my punishment was I couldn't pee 559 00:40:15,320 --> 00:40:17,320 That's a pretty... 560 00:40:17,320 --> 00:40:20,320 Yeah, that lasted for a while 561 00:40:20,320 --> 00:40:24,320 And I was like, okay, I voluntarily lose or quit 562 00:40:24,320 --> 00:40:27,320 Whatever, because I've got to go pee right now 563 00:40:30,320 --> 00:40:34,320 Some of those drinking games went on way too long 564 00:40:34,320 --> 00:40:37,320 And by the time we got back to the club to play that night 565 00:40:37,320 --> 00:40:40,320 Some of us were still a little hammered 566 00:40:40,320 --> 00:40:43,320 A little residual leftover glaze 567 00:40:43,320 --> 00:40:46,320 Then they're done at 568 00:40:46,320 --> 00:40:48,320 And then you got the choice, you know 569 00:40:48,320 --> 00:40:52,320 If you're that person, you start the gig off and you're kind of wasted 570 00:40:52,320 --> 00:40:55,320 Do you just keep it going throughout the gig 571 00:40:55,320 --> 00:40:58,320 Or do you let yourself come down during the gig 572 00:40:58,320 --> 00:41:03,320 And by the fourth set you're like, I hate this, I hate life, let me go 573 00:41:03,320 --> 00:41:07,320 I was talking to a guy at work similar to that 574 00:41:07,320 --> 00:41:09,320 When I was younger 575 00:41:09,320 --> 00:41:11,320 I used to have to decide 576 00:41:11,320 --> 00:41:14,320 Because we were out late one night having some beers and stuff 577 00:41:14,320 --> 00:41:18,320 And I ended up leaving that place like 2.30 or something 578 00:41:18,320 --> 00:41:21,320 Which is rare for me, you know, usually 579 00:41:21,320 --> 00:41:23,320 I've been asleep a long time 580 00:41:23,320 --> 00:41:26,320 And a couple days later I'm talking to him and I go, you know 581 00:41:26,320 --> 00:41:28,320 When I was younger 582 00:41:28,320 --> 00:41:32,320 I used to have that one moment where I had to stop for a second at what I was doing 583 00:41:32,320 --> 00:41:35,320 And go, alright, I've got to be at work in four hours 584 00:41:35,320 --> 00:41:39,320 Do I want to just ride this out, hurry it 585 00:41:39,320 --> 00:41:42,320 And try to sober up the last couple hours and go to work 586 00:41:42,320 --> 00:41:45,320 Or do I want to shut this fucking thing down 587 00:41:45,320 --> 00:41:48,320 Get four hours of sleep and then go in there and go to work 588 00:41:48,320 --> 00:41:52,320 And usually, usually it was like, I'm just going to ride this thing through 589 00:41:52,320 --> 00:41:54,320 And I'll sleep tomorrow, which I never did 590 00:41:54,320 --> 00:41:57,320 Because then all of a sudden a bunch of people would show up 591 00:41:57,320 --> 00:42:01,320 And anyhow they'd be like, hey, come on man, get in the car 592 00:42:01,320 --> 00:42:03,320 We're going to go over to so and so's 593 00:42:03,320 --> 00:42:06,320 And I'd be like, oh yeah, you know 594 00:42:06,320 --> 00:42:10,320 And you know, usually it'd take me three or four days to catch up 595 00:42:10,320 --> 00:42:13,320 And then I'd be usually Tuesday night 596 00:42:13,320 --> 00:42:15,320 But it seems like that would be the wiser choice 597 00:42:15,320 --> 00:42:18,320 Is to stay awake and ride it out 598 00:42:18,320 --> 00:42:20,320 When I was in that situation 599 00:42:20,320 --> 00:42:21,320 Yeah, because you feel like shit, you know 600 00:42:21,320 --> 00:42:24,320 You actually get about three hours or two and a half hours sleep 601 00:42:24,320 --> 00:42:26,320 Because you're forcing yourself to sleep 602 00:42:26,320 --> 00:42:28,320 But you're still on a party 603 00:42:28,320 --> 00:42:31,320 So you get a little bit of bad sleep, bad quality sleep 604 00:42:31,320 --> 00:42:35,320 When you wake up, your body is finally to the point where it wants to sleep 605 00:42:35,320 --> 00:42:37,320 But now you have to wake up 606 00:42:37,320 --> 00:42:39,320 Yeah, when you get in that really deep sleep, you wake up 607 00:42:39,320 --> 00:42:42,320 Yeah, and then what's even worse is 608 00:42:42,320 --> 00:42:46,320 While you're asleep, you can't monitor your symptoms 609 00:42:46,320 --> 00:42:49,320 And take steps to counteract 610 00:42:49,320 --> 00:42:53,320 Like if you're dead asleep because you're half-wasted 611 00:42:53,320 --> 00:42:54,320 No, you wake up where you're at 612 00:42:54,320 --> 00:42:57,320 Yeah, I mean you may be so sick to your stomach 613 00:42:57,320 --> 00:42:59,320 Normally you'd wake up and do something about it 614 00:42:59,320 --> 00:43:02,320 But you're sleeping so hard in those couple three hours 615 00:43:02,320 --> 00:43:04,320 That it just sits there and gets worse and worse 616 00:43:04,320 --> 00:43:07,320 By the time you wake up, you feel like total shit 617 00:43:07,320 --> 00:43:11,320 Whereas if you stayed awake, you could treat those symptoms as they came up 618 00:43:11,320 --> 00:43:14,320 You'd be more tired, but after the end of a couple hours 619 00:43:14,320 --> 00:43:16,320 You're like, okay, I got my nausea under control 620 00:43:16,320 --> 00:43:20,320 I got myself hydrated, I got some drops in my eyes 621 00:43:20,320 --> 00:43:25,320 It usually worked out better because you had that time to start treating yourself 622 00:43:25,320 --> 00:43:27,320 Yeah 623 00:43:27,320 --> 00:43:29,320 Yeah, that's it, yeah 624 00:43:29,320 --> 00:43:32,320 I would run into that not necessarily because I was wasted 625 00:43:32,320 --> 00:43:33,320 But just because I was tired 626 00:43:33,320 --> 00:43:36,320 Some of those out of town gigs, I'd work all day Friday 627 00:43:36,320 --> 00:43:39,320 Drive out to some hour and a half out of town 628 00:43:39,320 --> 00:43:42,320 Set up, play, tear down 629 00:43:42,320 --> 00:43:45,320 And then I'd have to drive back to KC 630 00:43:45,320 --> 00:43:48,320 And get a little bit of sleep and go work Saturday 631 00:43:48,320 --> 00:43:49,320 I worked a lot of Saturdays 632 00:43:49,320 --> 00:43:52,320 And then when I was done with work, I'd have to load up 633 00:43:52,320 --> 00:43:56,320 Drive back to that little town where everybody else still was 634 00:43:56,320 --> 00:43:58,320 And go play the second night 635 00:43:58,320 --> 00:44:01,320 And I was like, ugh, this sucks so hard 636 00:44:01,320 --> 00:44:05,320 See, that's when I should have been free-basing coke or something 637 00:44:05,320 --> 00:44:07,320 That's when I needed all that energy 638 00:44:07,320 --> 00:44:10,320 But there I was trying to exist on coffee and cigarettes 639 00:44:10,320 --> 00:44:13,320 And I just wouldn't cut in it 640 00:44:13,320 --> 00:44:16,320 And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark 641 00:44:16,320 --> 00:44:19,320 So, I order spaghetti and meatballs 642 00:44:19,320 --> 00:44:23,320 My meatballs automatically fall apart as soon as I touch them 643 00:44:23,320 --> 00:44:29,320 So then, does my dish automatically change its name to spaghetti and meat sauce? 644 00:44:29,320 --> 00:44:32,320 Hmph, I may never know 645 00:44:37,320 --> 00:44:40,320 Oh no, looks like the show's over kids 646 00:44:40,320 --> 00:44:44,320 Mark has explosive diarrhea and he's got a stomachache 647 00:44:44,320 --> 00:44:48,320 Mark has explosive diarrhea and can't afford a wireless mic 648 00:44:48,320 --> 00:45:15,320 Fear not assholes, they'll be back invading your ear holes soon