And now it's time for...
The Daily Deucebag Pledge
Here at Two Deucebags in a Microphone, we don't stand behind our journalistic integrity.
Go ahead and assume we got the story wrong. At least we admit it.
Not like all those other guys, we can and will lie if it makes the story better.
Two Deucebags and a Microphone
We are...
Casers
Strange, but true.
Veteran, skydiver Ivan Neuweyer was filming a parachuting lesson at 10,000 feet.
Excited to film, he grabbed his camera and jumped from the plane.
In the video, everything went fine until the instructor and student opened their parachutes.
When Ivan opened his, he realized he had forgotten it.
Hey look, I think we found land. Oh my god, I think we're safe.
Oh no, it's the island of horrible jokes.
I'm gonna get my bicycle.
Oh my god.
Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was too tired.
Mmhmm.
You watched the news. It was grim.
Is it an apocalypse? Inevitable?
We suggest you download all our podcasts beforehand and have multiple mobile chargers.
We have post-apocalypse.
One of the most overlooked post-apocalypse need is first aid.
Have several kits in metal canisters, one in your bunker and the rest buried near natural markers such as odd trees or natural clearings.
Scars, salve, ointment, antibiotics, sutures, thread, needles, sharp knives and scissors should be in all of the kits.
And now, deep thoughts with Mark.
Why can't I use my toaster to toast ravioli? Or how about marshmallows?
This is bullshit.
Hey there, fuckstick. You're just in time for brand new feature news nobody gives a shit about.
A California girl just got a license to carry a unicorn.
Here at Two Douchebags and Microphone in an effort to not look sexist, we will occasionally have a female co-host laugh.
Only she's not a co-host. She's going to be a recording.
Two Douchebags and a Microphone. I am Mark here in Kansas City vicinity.
And I am Rob in Campton Missouri, Lake of the Ozarks.
That's right, the big bad Lake of the Ozarks.
Missouri.
Missouri, both of us. Yeah, I'm not on the Kansas side. I'm on the Missouri side. Barely, I'm a mile away from Kansas.
Barely. Yeah, barely.
I can spit on state line from here, but I'm not in Kansas.
Even though sometimes my GPS tells me I'm in Kansas, I'm like, no I'm not. But, you know what, whatever.
So, great weather today. I'm pretty sure your weather down there was awesome too, wasn't it?
Oh my God, yeah, we hit 70.
Yeah, I think we hit like 71 today. I even got a little bit of a tan. I've been outside working. But I'll get to that here in a minute.
I mean, I...
I don't know how you guys are getting warm for us.
I don't know. It's a weird thing. It's just like we were colder than Alaska for most of the winter.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's, how that happens baffles me. But, you know, whatever. So anyhow.
You know, my phone saves my ass all the time, Rob. You know, I forgot about a doctor's appointment I made a half year ago.
But my phone didn't. You know, and I'm like perplexed. I'm sitting here thinking, my phone has to be wrong.
I don't remember at all making this appointment for February.
So, it took a little bit. I called the doctor's office and it was Monday yesterday.
So, everybody knows that doctor's offices are just fucking packed on a Monday.
For the people who couldn't go over the weekend or whatever, you know.
So, I'm waiting on hold, waiting on hold, waiting on hold. And I'm not motherfucking them. They're great.
You know, they just had a lot of people there. And, you know, a lot of appointments.
So, anyhow, they confirmed it. They said, yep. So, my phone always schools me.
Every time I fucking question it, it's always like, oh no, dumbass. You made the appointment.
And I remembered it and you didn't. So, you know, my phone leaves me feeling like a stupid ass.
So, you know, can you imagine life with the four smartphones now? I mean, honestly.
Can you imagine reading like a paper map? A map, not nap.
Wouldn't that be crazy reading a paper map like we're used to?
I can still move.
Well, I could too. But you have to pull over the side of the road and go, okay, here's that big interchange.
Let's see. Okay. I need exit 472B. And it's going to be on the right side.
I mean, you know, now you just look down. I mean, even map questions.
Okay, yeah. Now with all the new roads, it's shut down. But back in the day, we'd keep driving.
Yeah. And if not, then you found an exit and you turned around and you said, okay, all right.
Well, you know what? Maybe I'll take a piss while I'm here. You know.
Yeah, and then stop and ask somebody.
Yeah. Yep. Yep. And it really hurts a man to do that. But we will if we have to.
So anyhow, MapQuest even sounds ridiculous now. Remember, you had to go to like a desktop and go print out MapQuest to find out where something was at.
Yeah.
Yeah. Now it's like, what? Oh, no, no, no, no, no. It's all on my phone.
So anyhow, the weather is so nice that I barbecued some ribs Sunday night.
And now I have a brisket on with hickory, cherry and apple.
So anyhow, I had some apple, but it was city apple. Do you? I put it in the burn pile.
Do you know? Are you familiar? I think you are, aren't you?
Yeah.
Okay. Okay. I didn't know this until a few years ago, but city hickory, cherry and apple are not good for smoking.
All the pollution makes it. No, it's horrible. And I always wondered how come that happened?
Because sometimes you get some wood and it's obviously cherry or apple by the smell, by the texture of the bark and the limbs and all that.
But it would be bitter. And I'm like, I don't understand it.
Maybe it's like something that got on it. But all the pollution makes the wood bitter and the meat doesn't taste as good.
Actually, the meat doesn't taste good at all, really.
Have you ever had some with the city hickory even? Yeah. It's not good meat.
It's kind of like a petroleum taste.
Yeah, yeah. It's really bad tasting and it's unsavable. I mean, to me, even if you load it full of sauce, it's still horrible.
So anyhow, so I had some city apple that somebody sold me and I didn't realize it was city apple until after I ruined some meat, a couple of ribs.
Thank God it wasn't a huge brisket. But I am like, man, this stuff is horrible.
And I got to looking at it and city apple especially has kind of a, what would you say, like a dotted grain to it?
Something like that. Yeah, yeah. That'd be a good way. Yeah. Kind of like a dotted grain.
And I'm like, oh shit, they sold me city apple. So anyhow, I had to, I put it in the burn pile and it's going to be burnt.
I didn't get a chance to burn it yet. So, but anyhow, and I'm not a fan of that brush, brush bullshit mesquite either.
Texas thinks that shit is so good. But that stuff is using, it's worse than using newspaper to smoke your food.
You could take like a big newspaper and cook a brisket over newspaper and it would taste better than that fucking mesquite.
You know what I think happened? Oh, go ahead. Well, I like the mesquite taste. Do you really?
Okay. Well, evidently other people do. Here's what I thought happened. I don't like it so much.
Well, they say, they say if you put the right spice on it and then you put a sweet sauce that the mesquite works.
So maybe I'm just not being fair. Here's what I thought happened. I thought a developer in Texas was trying to find a way to get rid of his brush.
Because that's what mesquite is. It's a brush. It's not like a tree. It's more like a brush.
And I thought, you know, hey man, I got clear all this shit. And he's like, hey, I know what I'll do. I'll tell everybody this wood is good for smoking.
And I'll sell it. Whoever did that is a genius. But now I find it more like a natural.
You know what, Rob, I've heard that before. So, okay. It's not fruity. It's not fruity. It's more of a natural wood taste.
I've heard that from a few people. So, okay. I guess that I just don't get it. I mean, you know, it's like a macchiato. I just don't get it.
You know, a lot of people love them. I'm like, what? This?
I don't know what the hell you mean by a macchiato.
You know what, when you come up to Kansas City, I'll get you one. Okay. And then I'll get you one.
I don't know if I want one with a name like that.
No, you really don't. I think they're so-
Mock means steak.
That's right. And the iado, who the fuck knows what iado means? It probably means fake penis in some language.
Yeah, I've never liked a macchiato or anything. I thought they were horrible. It's just kind of like, oh shit, the beer.
Well, for a second, if you don't like them, why are you going to get me one?
Well, no, just to show you how horrible they are. And then I'll get you a cabano and show you how good they are.
I'll take you one for it.
Okay, okay. Then I'll just get you a cabano then.
Santa work, Santa work.
IPAs were never meant to be consumed like that.
Because what happened is years ago, they had to go from England to India, and they had to hops that stuff up.
I mean, hops the shit out of it, because it took so long to transport over the sea that it would lose all its hops flavor.
So all that hops wasn't supposed to be in a beer.
It was supposed to be like, okay, six months later, this thing's going to mellow out, and that's your beer, not that hopsy shit.
I always thought that that was overrated. I never really liked it.
The only thing I found anything good about an IPA is you can smoke it with certain cigars,
and it would go with it because it's kind of bitter. But anyhow.
And also, I come to the conclusion, Rob, that anyone who drinks coffee with their pinky extended cannot be trusted.
You agree with me?
Oh, that's for sure.
Yeah. Topher and I were recording the Sports Bastard and Music Creeps podcast from the City Market, because it's so beautiful.
We did it this morning. And I saw a guy drinking coffee like that. He had his pinky extended.
I automatically didn't trust him.
I mean, yeah, I mean, I was like, no way. That guy can't be trusted. No way.
So, okay. And I want to go into this here really quick.
Sports Bastards, we addressed in some of the latest rumors and we wasn't going to do any more Sports Bastards.
But we, you know, there's so much sports news and chiefs news coming out.
Yeah, like Kelsey said, he's coming back a year. Patrick Mahomes restructured his contract.
So we have more cap room so we can assign more people.
Supposedly, the chiefs are interested in DK Metcalf from the Seahawks. I don't know how they can afford it.
Dude, dude, dude, I've always liked DK Metcalf.
Oh, I have too.
I would like to see him.
I find it surprising though, because that's not their MO, the chiefs. They raise them.
Hill and Kelsey and Worthy and Rice.
But you know what? I mean, their defense is going to take a step back because I don't think they're re-signing Nick Bolton.
So it's going to cost too much.
So they, you know, they've got to, they're probably going to beef up their offense because they'll be cheaper.
And they're going to try to beat people like they did the first couple of years of the Mahomes era.
And that's just like out firepower.
That's the way they got to do it.
Yeah, it is. I don't think they can really do it any other way.
They got too conservative.
Yeah, I agree.
The chiefs are known for it.
Well, it worked two out of three years. It worked two out of three years.
Right, right, right.
And you know, the league was catching up with Mahomes and Kelsey and Hill and all that.
So they, they, they, you know, they changed it around enough.
They got rid of Hill and they used a plethora of other fill-ins and some up and coming guys like Worthy and Rice and stuff like that.
And, you know, like Juju Smith Schuster was a free agent from, I think, Pittsburgh, right?
He did really good.
Yeah, yeah. I think it was Pittsburgh.
Yeah, and they signed him for like a year and then he went on to what's-her-name, the Patriots last year.
And then he came back to the chiefs this year because the Patriots released him the first of the year.
And he did okay. But the thing is, is they're into, like Hollywood Brown got a one-year contract.
So, and DK Metcalf is on the last year of this contract.
So I think if they're going to, if they're going to trade for him and give a high round, that I think that Seattle's going to agree to eat a bunch of the money.
You see what I'm saying?
Yeah.
Of the cap hit.
And that way the chiefs can like go, okay, we can do this. Here's a high round draft pick. We get this guy.
Yeah, yeah. And like you just said, the chiefs of, you know, like Mahomes, they're restructuring, saving the team a little money.
Yeah. You know, and then Bolton. Yeah.
Yeah. And who knows? Maybe they might re-sign Bolton.
They could afford DK Metcalf.
Yeah, yes. Yeah. So we'll see what happens. And with some more money freed up and every year the salary cap expands a little bit because, you know, inflation or whatever.
Well, it's because of the way they have to do it. And they might be adding another game.
So I think that they might be able to maybe re-sign Bolton or maybe they look differently.
Maybe they change the scheme up a little bit and go, all right, we got some other linebackers that will work.
They're not as good, but they're serviceable. And we go out and look for that one cornerback that we need, that shut down corner to go with Reed and McDuffie.
So, yeah, so we'll see what happens there.
I mean, everything's in there, but Topher and I, we were not going to do sports bastards until the draft.
But there's just so many. There's just so many different stories out there of what's going on.
There's so much wheeling and dealing anymore. I mean, we really didn't.
I mean, we had an hour worth of stuff to talk about. So and we don't do baseball.
I mean, especially at the first of the year.
Now, if the Royals are doing good at the end of the year and they look like they're in the playoffs, we might address them.
But, you know, doing them at the first of the year is boring.
I mean, it's like, OK, yeah, they're 10 and 2. Well, you have four more months, five more months to go.
So, you know, it's kind of like, yeah, you got 800 more games to go.
So, yeah, yeah, yes. Yeah.
So it's like, OK, well, they're doing good so far.
OK, that's where end of the Royals is, you know, when someone gets injured or something or a pitcher blows out his elbow or some shit.
Wait till the least after the old story about August, August 1st of August.
If they're in it, then I'll probably start keeping a little bit more track of them and start, you know, actively searching their scores and all that.
Well, then, now, you know, so anyhow, so we went down to the city market, like I was saying, and we got a I got a Cubano.
And I thought about calling you and leaving a three or four minute voicemail on how good my Cubano was.
But I was just too lazy, Rob. I was just like, yeah, yeah, I'm not going to do it.
I could do it and irritate him. But no, no, maybe later.
So anyhow, but before I went down the same way, yeah, yeah, slave and over a hot microphone.
Well, I was slaving over a hot microphone.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's always a rough job.
It is. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's the hardest part of my day on podcast days.
Recording.
Recording. Yep.
Oh, yeah, you're over there, slave and I was having a Cubano. It wasn't very nice. That's another reason I didn't do it. It's like, yeah, he's over there cutting steel.
He don't want to hear me giggling and laughing in the, you know, you know, drinking a Cubano.
So anyhow, I don't know. I had a pretty good day.
So it would have been the day to do it.
Well, my luck is I'll hit you on a bad day.
I'll call you at lunch and be back.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, we would have still been there too.
So, but anyhow, I went to the doctor's at first off at about, oh, what were you saying? Go ahead.
No, no, no, no, I'm just making a middle note. Just making a middle note for the future.
Okay. Okay. So I went to the doctor's at the first and I had an early appointment and then I went and got Topher.
But anyhow, I'm down eight more pounds. Doing well.
Blood pressure is great. This whole better eating situation is kind of working out.
But then I got to thinking maybe that's why the McDonald's on the way to work sucks so bad.
Is it God's way of keeping me in line?
That could be. Yeah, because the last podcast I was bitching about.
Yeah, well, my name is McDonald's.
Probably, allegedly and all that stuff. I think there are neptune.
But still, but still that could be God's interference.
Yeah. Maybe going, Mark, you're doing so well. I'm not going to let you screw this up.
So, so little guy, you just get on down the road. This McDonald's is no good. Don't even look that way.
So I think their neptune has led me to a dozen less meals on the run.
So that could be my eight pounds right there alone. Right.
Yeah, could be. There we go. So everything works out.
I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you, brother. Thank you.
Well, you know what? I needed to. I got off the wagon.
What happened is, is I got a new knee and you fall out of you don't.
You're recovering and you're not going to the gym.
You're not eating right because you're sitting there on painkillers drooling.
So you're like grabbing nachos and fucking hot dogs and stuff.
And you're not really worried about it because you're all drugged out of it.
You know, you go to physical therapy and your knees killing you.
And you know what I mean? And you got to load up on another painkiller.
You know, and it's just not a good situation to to lose weight on, you know, because you're
you're dormant, you're stagnant. Yeah.
I remember some of the shows we did while you were on that.
Yeah. Yeah. I'm sure everybody else.
They got pretty wacky. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. People are kind of. I had to reel you in a few times.
Yep. But you know what? You've had to reel me in a few times.
You know what? We both we both have our demons.
And the funniest thing is, is when I double dosed on morphine, did I ever tell you that?
Yeah, you did.
OK. I don't know if I told it on the podcast or not, but if I did and you heard it, I'm sorry.
There's probably a lot of people who didn't. But I guess you've already mentioned it like once.
I remember. Yeah. OK.
Go ahead. Tell them. OK.
So it was the night after the surgery that the night of the surgery, I came home
and I was just drooling in a cup from the residual pain pills or the pain that they shot me up with the painkiller from the hospital.
This one I got my new knee in.
And the next night, I also just start killing me. So I'm like, oh, man, I started mashing a morphine tablet.
And then I mash another one. But I thought I didn't.
Morphine is a weird deal when you're. Have you been on painkillers before?
And you miss a lapse? Yeah, one time. Oh, my God.
Yeah, it was not good because I drank on top of it. Oh, OK.
Well, I'm glad you survived. It was in the early 90s.
OK. Yeah. Well, I'm glad you survived.
But then I got to where I will not have to pay for it.
Oh, OK. Well, I anyhow, I kind of had to.
And so whenever you're on pain pills, sometimes something you do, you lapse.
You just don't remember. And then you remember it later.
You know, it's kind of like a little bow and time. And then later on, you're like, oh, wait a minute.
So I took a morphine tablet and then like, I don't know, a half hour later, I take another one.
And after I take it, I realize, wait a minute, Mark, you took one a little bit ago.
And Val just went to sleep. She goes, can I trust you here alone?
Oh, hell yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. No, no big deal.
So I'm sitting there watching TV. I'm like, oh, shit, I can't I can't bother Val.
I just told her everything was OK. So I call poison control and Val hears me on the phone.
She comes out of there immediately. What what happened?
Who are you talking to? Poison control. Why?
Well, I accidentally took an extra morphine tablet. Oh, shit.
And so anyhow, the nurse is on the line with me. Sleep it off. Sleep it off.
Well, that's basically what she said. She goes, can you read me the prescription?
Said that the death. Oh, that's time release. Don't worry about it.
OK, thank you. Val, don't worry. It's time release.
She quickly took the pain pills and would not let me have them until 12 hours later.
Actually over 12 hours because I double. Yeah, yeah.
That's why I don't like it. Yeah, yeah.
I mean, you lapsed time or at least I do.
There is time that you don't remember and then later on you do remember, you know,
and it's just like it's a weird deal because they really screw with me. Yeah.
But I went to therapy, physical therapy, like they told me to do.
And my knee was just freaking killing me. And I had to do something because, you know,
I'm sitting there around there just being miserable.
So I'm like, all right, I was kind of forced to take a morphine tablet.
So anyhow, then after that, they gave me hydrocodone, which I suck on my thumb
and just kind of go and lull all in. I'm on a pillow floating around.
I don't know if it, you know, me and hydrocodone get along really, really well.
They love me and I love them. So that's why I stay with them.
See, that's the pain pills I was on. I took, I had a cart full of aluminum
run over my foot one time. Oh, shit.
This was on the job accident. Oh.
And yeah, my foot was all swelled up. I was off work for two weeks.
And they prescribed me hydrocodone. And this was in like 90, 91, 92.
Uh-huh.
And, you know, I took two of them. My buddy came by and said,
Hey, you want to go to the bar? Yeah, sure. Why not? I'm on crutches.
You're feeling good.
Dude, I would, I, like I said, I had already taken two of them hydros.
Uh-huh.
And then I went to the bar and I had two beers. I didn't know where the fuck I was at.
Oh, geez. Yeah.
Two beers. Yeah. So I learned years ago about pain pills.
Yeah. Yeah. They can be. Especially being alcohol.
If you don't know them right, they can be horrible. So.
Oh, yeah. You had alcohol. Oh, my God.
Yeah, that could end very badly. I'm glad it didn't.
So anyhow, it all worked out. And like I was out in the yard working the rest of the day.
And I was cutting up some brush and raking leaves and stuff that I couldn't get around when the weather turned last year.
I couldn't get around to it. So anyhow, I noticed a little sprout of poison ivy that was green when I was basically lying in it.
So I'm waiting. I've got the waiting game going on now.
I'm looking around, waiting for a little bump to show up. But so far, so good.
Hopefully it wasn't enough to affect anything. So I don't know.
So I've been having this issue with Gatorade Zero powder. If I told you about that at all.
No. OK. Well, I prefer the powder over the plastic bottled stuff.
You know, I mean, you can make it your own strength. You can put it in a larger cup, whatever.
You know, so if that's what I want, I can make a double.
You know, I can make it extra strong if I wanted or whatever.
But I only like the traditional flavors and newer ones.
I'm not a fan like the cherry glazier ice and the great freeze or whatever.
I like lemon, lime, orange and fruit punch. OK.
The rest of them. Dude, dude, dude. Man of my own heart. That's my three flavors.
Yeah, those are the best. The other ones I don't think are that good.
They're too imitation flavored, I guess. Too fake in. In that order.
Yeah, those are my three too. Yep. Same here.
I don't know. Maybe it's an age thing. Maybe younger people like the glacier free stuff.
I don't know. But all I know is I don't like the newer ones that they keep coming up with.
The blues and the purples and the. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I think they're horrible.
So at first, Walmart and the local grocers, all I could get was orange.
OK, and that was fine. So I was buying orange. I was stocking up on it.
Then a few months later, only lemon lime was available.
And I'm like, I don't understand it, but OK, either one will work.
So and then all of a sudden, none of the two. No orange, no lemon lime, no fruit punch.
They really didn't have fruit punch fruit punch out there at all.
I only found it one time in like a year, and that was only one time and they only had like one box.
So now it's just new flavors.
And unfortunately, Costco doesn't carry the powder. So, you know, so you can't like bulk up on them.
So I'm looking at Amazon, but the prices of the lemon lime and the orange are outrageous in the box.
And the little packets, right, that you tear open and put in whatever in the water.
But I found the Crown Jewel Gatorade Lemon Lime.
It's tablets, kind of like Alka-Saltzer.
Oh, God. No, no, no, they work good, man. You throw them in and they dissolve. Yeah.
Yeah, they work fantastic, man. The powder, you know, you throw in ice and every now and then you get like
you get like the powder in the bottom be really strong, which I didn't mind.
But I like it being more consistent.
And so, yeah, these things are awesome. They dissolve all the way and they taste good.
And the price is so much better. I don't know if it's like new or they are just hard to find.
Or maybe they just go by Internet suppliers.
But I have around 200 tablets now, so I'm good for a while.
So, yeah, I couldn't believe it. I was like, wow. I was like, I can't believe this. They have tablets.
So, anyhow, I thought that was interesting.
So that's, yeah. So, hey, Rob, you got something you want to go to here.
Yeah, actually, I want to go into sports.
Okay.
But it's not football. I'm going into hockey.
I love hockey. Okay.
Oh, I do too.
This NHL referee Justin Kia was down for several minutes after taking a puck to the growing area in Sunday's showdown between Vancouver Canucks and Utah Hockey Club.
What caught my eye to the story is his video. NHL referee Justin Kia took a puck to the nuts at the end of the day.
Okay. I'm looking for stories for two douchebags. I see the word nuts.
There you go.
Yeah. With just under 90 seconds remaining in Utah's home tilt against the Canucks at the Delta Center, Utah forward Alex Crowfoot attempted to clear the puck down the ice with Connor Garwood in pursuit.
Crowfoot had no idea that lineman Justin Kia was standing directly in front of him when he turned around to shoot the puck out.
Unfortunately, the puck hit Kia right in the center of the area.
Kia was down on the ice for several moments as Utah's trainer came to assist him. He was able to finish out the game and even got a standing ovation from the crowd after shaking the puck to the growing hole.
I bet.
The stoppage in play did nothing to affect Utah's momentum either. They held off the Canucks' late push for a 2-1 victory. The hockey club is now 2-0 against Vancouver who dropped their second in the row.
Okay.
Which, oh, this was yesterday.
Okay, well, I'm glad he's okay. You know, there have been cases where a guy lost his nut because that happened.
Oh, yeah, I know. I just never heard one in the news. That's what caught my eye.
Well, a friend of mine was going to this karate class when he was younger, right? And a guy accidentally got kicked in the nuts. And I guess the way to cure it is, you know, everyone's like, he's like, oh, he got kicked really hard accidentally right in the balls.
So the instructor goes over there.
Oh, he pulls his pants down and yanks his nutsack down and he was okay.
Now, I mean, I would have been like, hey, what are you doing? Oh, God, thank you.
You know? Yeah. Yeah. So I guess there's a little trick there that you can do. You can yank your nuts down and it will stop the hurting at least. But if you're hit too bad, there's nothing you can do, you know.
I'm going to have to remember that.
Yeah. I mean, my friends were by it. I believe him. I don't think he was messing with me or nothing. I think it's true. He said that a guy in there got kicked really hard and he was like down and like, you know, just miserable.
So the instructor came over there and then fucking did that and said, there you go, man. See?
Anyhow, he's a bigger man than me. I would have been like, dude, I know what you can do it yourself, but my hand doesn't. So yeah, anyhow, I.
Let's take first break.
Okay, you got it. And I have some emails if you want to go into that when we come back.
Yeah, we got emails and we got a couple lists to go over.
Yes, we do.
Your mama's so stupid, she tried to climb Mountain Dew.
Hey everybody, this is Uncle Rob. I'm going to give you some tips for life.
This is Uncle Rob's Rules to Dick Picks.
Rule number one, title will kick in someone else's name. So if you get busted, it's not yours.
Rule number two, shoot angles complementary to your length and girth.
Rule number four, no propping of the way. Absolutely no undercarriage. Very important.
Have you ever wondered where something came from? Have you ever looked at something and said, I wonder what the origin of that is?
So we that's why we give you the origin of the origin of the IQ test.
The modern IQ test originated from the work of French psychologist Alfred Binet and Theodore Simon in 1905.
The Binet Simon intelligence test was designed to help identify which children of French schools needed extra attention.
The test assessed a child's memory, attention and verbal skills.
The IQ intelligence quotient is a number that represents a person's relative intelligence.
It was originally calculated by dividing the child's mental age by the chronological age and then multiplying by 100.
For example, if a 10 year old child had a mental age of 12, their IQ would be 120.
The Binet Simon test was revised several times, including in 1908 and 1911.
In 1916, Stanford University psychologist Lewis Terman revised the test and released the revised Stanford Binet scale.
In the United States, the Binet test was introduced to public schools by Goddard, who translated the test to have promoted the use.
Goddard use of the test was controversial as it was endorsed by eugenicists who pushed for forced sterilization laws.
Two dish bags and microphone in an effort to keep everything fresh. We offer you first world problems.
I can't believe the coffee grinder is broke at the big box store.
There's no way I can be expected to grind my coffee beans every damn morning.
A brand new future, strange results from an alien.
May your mother come to talk to you and then leave your door slightly ajar so that you may have to get up and close it.
Two dish bags and microphone is the only podcast available anywhere with gusto.
That's right. I said gusto. Gusto is a magical ingredient in Schlitz beer that makes it so damn delicious.
So enjoy a little gusto with your podcast today.
Next up, things overheard in hell.
Joe Buck and Troy Aitman are being all televised in radio games of the NFL this year.
Now, from his underground bunker in Camden in Missouri, stocked full of dried goods, canned food, and a couple of vibrating toys.
It's ramblings of a madman featuring Rob Rant.
And my dog brings me the same toy. Is it because it's his favorite toy? Or he thinks it's mine?
And I'm the rat potion.
All right. Did you want to do emails first or did you want to do the list first?
I was into emails. You know, you know, the emails have got to be my favorite part of this show.
Me too.
My love was secure. Everybody.
Man, I'll tell you what, our listeners are, they're, they should start their own podcast, shouldn't they? I mean, they're entertaining.
Actually, actually, I was thinking about that before tonight's show.
You and I used to have this little segment we did where we would have people email in.
Oh, now we have a lot more people emailing in. So I think we got a lot better chance.
You know what?
Remember when we used to do, we used to do one fake story a week to get people to bust us?
Yeah. You want to do that again?
You want to start bringing it back since we got more listeners now?
OK. How about next next show?
Sunday night.
You know what? I bet someone will catch everyone up now because we have a lot more people writing in.
That's what I'm saying.
OK.
It could be a Sunday night show. It could be Tuesday show.
Yeah, we don't. We're not going to tell when. Rob's could be Sunday night. Mine could be Tuesday night.
Or mine could be Tuesday or they could both be on Monday or not or on Sunday or whatever.
So I like that idea a lot. Good job, Rob.
Yeah, it hit me right before the show tonight. I was like, wait a second. We've had all these emailers.
Cool.
We could possibly pull that off.
I know. I think it would be.
And by the way, so everybody knows if you bust us, you get a 10 pound bag of pencil shading.
Oh, yeah. You know what? Yeah.
I forgot about that.
That's why we used to give away.
That's the best part of it, man. Yeah. Yeah, we had one guy complain about not receiving his.
Well, I sent it in the mail.
Yeah. I mean, I don't know. Go to the post office. I mean, you know, I mean, you can't you can't register pencil shaving.
So we can't prove that it was, you know, it went to your house or not. So, you know, we had it.
But we did have other people that acknowledged. Yeah, they got theirs.
Yeah, yeah. Other people are very happy. They said they're like a really good quality of pencil shavings.
So, you know, we got it from a wholesaler. So we got a good price on him. So we got you the best we could.
So we're glad. Great for gerbils. Great for gerbils.
Yes. Yes. Oh, they love them. Oh, gerbils. They like splash and play and I'm like water. It's great.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Okay. All right. Here are emails.
Rob, you saved my ass. I titled a dick pic in a friend's name and he got busted. Not me.
I guess his penis looks like mine. Jerry.
Okay. I don't know if that one's true or not.
Jerry's are where? He didn't say. He didn't say. Just Jerry. That's all I got.
Okay. Okay. Jerry, great job. I'm glad. Rob, how happy are you that someone you helped somebody?
Oh, God, that makes me feel so much. That really made my day.
You know, these are good. But that just made it even better.
These are Uncle Rob's words of wisdom on life. I mean, I'm glad that you took it.
I got to get more out there. Yes. Yes. Right there.
We have a couple more just sitting there waiting. So we'll have to decide tonight and we'll get after it.
So all right, Jerry. I'm glad you're you're able to do that. Tom Fuller or whatever.
So anyhow. All right. Mark, you have a unique sharp wit and you are intelligent.
I'm not sure what that guy was trying to say. He did call me intelligent, though.
He just said half the time I am half the time not. Yeah.
He said I did love your answer, though. I sell real estate.
But if someone asked me about lawn care, I would be a fool's fool.
Please don't change. I love the direction the show is taking.
I love it more than ever. Tammy in Washington County.
Thank you. Washington County is that Arkansas?
I think of Washington County there, maybe Missouri. I don't know.
Well, thank you, Tammy. I think that might be Washington.
Yeah, it might be. I think it might be. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Look at it. There's probably a Warshaw Italian every day.
I'll bet you there is. Yeah. You know what? OK.
You know what? Look, I know that that part that he said sounded stupid or whatever.
I know that sounded bad, but I actually get what he's saying.
Do you, Rob? Yeah, I do. I do. Yeah.
We're not all experts on it. You know what?
That's what we do. That's why we're douchebags.
Yeah, yeah. And I also think people...
We're not perfect at everything.
No, and also I think people identify with that.
People are like, you know what? I've been in Mark's shoes before.
He doesn't really know anything that he's talking about on this,
but he's still reporting it, doing the best he can.
I think that that is a realness that you don't get in a lot of places.
OK. I came up with two more street counties, one in Arkansas, one in Missouri.
OK. Now, now, now. Yeah.
Go ahead. I'm looking up something else.
OK. So, Tammy, thank you.
And I mean, I really do think that that's a real aspect that you don't get in a lot of podcasts or shows.
I think that, like, we struggle with words and we know it, but we don't try to edit them out.
We leave them in there. We don't care.
I mean, look, I mean, we're not insecure about stuff like that.
I know I don't know everything. I know what I know, and I'm happy with it, you know?
So, anyhow. All right. Next one.
OK. Well, what I just looked up to see where Clarksville, Arkansas is, it's in Johnson County.
OK. So. OK.
I want to make sure it wasn't Clint.
I don't think Clint would be complimenting me right now. He's not very happy with me.
OK. Clint, you've caused me to have some really good times writing you. So, anyhow.
Yes. Yes.
OK. Hey, Rob, I've heard Mark and Topher both do solo shows.
How about you? Would you ever do one?
Calo, C-A-L-O in Texas. Calo, Calo.
Whatever. Yeah. I'm going to just say Calo.
Calo in Texas. Rob?
Well, I have an answer to that.
OK.
I will if Mark ever gets my equipment to me.
OK. All right. I will. I'm going to get it to you.
Yeah. I mean, there was nights I sat just me and the dogs here.
Yeah. Yeah. And you'll love the program. It is so much fun once you learn it, dude.
You can make your own bits and insert them and do noises, you know.
Like I just found the Fred Flintstone tap online. I had that in.
Yeah. I know. I love that.
I do too. So, I mean, it's a lot of fun.
Essentially, you get to, you know, play radio maybe per se or something, you know, how they used to do the like Friday night, you know,
also and everybody working for the weekend, the yabba dabba doo, the whistle, the yabba and all that stuff.
It's kind of like that, you know, it's kind of fun just throwing in all this shit.
And certain people get certain things, you know, like some people get the Flintstone tap.
Some people won't, you know, some people get the working for the weekend.
Some some people won't. I mean, you know, so it's cool.
OK, Mark, I haven't heard you review any new books lately.
Are you currently in a new one? Ronnie and Tulsa.
P.S. I will have my album list next week.
I'm in the middle of moving, but still wish to be Ronnie and Tulsa, a.k.a. Tulsa King.
So he's moving out of Tulsa, it sounds like, but he still wants to be Ronnie and Tulsa Tulsa King.
He doesn't say where he's moving. And I'm not going to ask that your personal business.
That's fine. That's fine. That's fine. Yeah.
We we we respect your personal business. Yeah.
So yeah, you'll have his album list next week.
And Ronnie, if you can't get to next week because you're still moving or whatever, don't worry about it.
We understand. Yeah. Take your time. Get moved in. Send us that list whenever you can.
And P.S. I like you. I like you both equally.
OK, cool. Oh, no, he always talks about you. I thought he liked you much better.
Well, you threw that out there last time.
Yeah, I think he's like, wait a minute. So Ronnie, I'm sorry.
That's all right. Yeah, he likes me.
Yeah, he does. He's a good guy. So thank you, Ronnie.
OK, books. I'm looking for a new one. That's it.
I mean, I don't read any book. I have things that interest me.
I'll just read a book to read it. I got to find something that I really want to know about,
something I want to know more in depth, usually autobiographies.
Every now and then I'll get a fiction book that's good, but not normally.
Normally, I want to hear the people's perspective on stuff that happened,
you know, when they were there, especially like rock and roll books and stuff like that.
I'm really interested in this nostalgia stuff.
So, you know, I'm still looking for one. I'll find one.
There's plenty of them out there. I just got to find the right one that I want.
So, yeah, and I will get around to reviewing the Van Halen Brothers book, you know, Alex Van Halen.
Just haven't had time. So anyhow.
All right. Next one. Strange but true is spot on. Love it.
Jen and St. Pete, which probably Florida.
I agree. I love the strange but true also. What about you?
Yeah, I did too.
I think it is a phenomenal segment and I've been getting a lot of I've been getting a lot of feedback about it.
This is kind of like a we're still dick jokes, but kind of like a more higher version of it.
Like we're kind of like progressing into our own thing.
Yeah, you know, you may start off on dick pics or not dick pics, but dick jokes.
We're talking about the dick pic, the guy that Jerry, they did give us.
OK, so OK. Yeah, yeah.
Uncle Rob, his words of wisdom for life.
OK. You you reach plateaus.
This is the way I take it. And Rob, if you think something different or you want to back something up, feel free to interject.
But OK, I think that every show podcast radio or whatever, they go in increments.
They start off doing one thing and then they evolve kind of like music, kind of like musicians, kind of like bands.
They evolve a little bit and they get a little bit different, but they don't keep doing the same thing.
They start seeing little outlets of what they could be and they start taking shape in the form that they're supposed to.
We're no different. You know, we start out with Mr.
Creepy. Now I cringe whenever I hear that. I won't be doing that again.
All right. You know, I'm not going to.
I want to. I want to.
Look, I mean, shit. Oh, yeah, yeah.
I'm sure she will. She didn't like it from the start and she was correct.
So, yeah, we're still evolving and I'm glad that everybody likes the direction we're going into from what I can tell,
because I think that this is a direction that we're going to be.
We're still going to be funny, hopefully, but we're not going to be quite as raunchy.
But we still will be raunchy at times. You know, I'll break in and say fuck every now and then or whatever, you know.
So we both will. Yeah. Yeah.
We're human. Yeah.
And like Uncle Rob's words of wisdom, you know, on life, that might be a little raunchy.
But you know what? Cool.
All right. And then finally, Mark, it is B-Hick-E.
B-Hick-E.
I can never say it right. B-Hick-E.
B-Hick-A. No, it's B-Hick-A.
OK. You are correct. It's B-Hick-A.
I see why you use. I know it's B-Hick-A, but I always try to say it differently.
It's B-Hick-A. No, I understand. I do the same thing.
I try to pronounce it the way it's voiced.
Yeah, but I know what it's supposed to be pronounced. And every time I'm like, I screw it up. So I apologize.
You are correct. It's B-Hick-A. And I see why you use the spelling people would understand.
I'm not sure if you're big into Spanish speakers. Most wouldn't know.
Yeah, that's true. Look, I don't know Spanish.
All I know is how to say that. OK. And I know that because I bought one before.
And he used the proper name for it. And then I had to look at the band and go, oh, OK.
I get it. B-Hick-E. OK.
So that's the Spanish pronunciation of that word here. So I get that.
So, you know, and I don't know if we're big with Spanish speakers. So, you know, I probably butchered that enough.
So, by the way, I have one left. I bought one from the Cohiba factory just outside of Havana.
I agree with you. Best cigar ever. John and Jersey. Yeah. Yeah. I had a good friend of mine I used to work with.
He went to the Havana factory just outside of the Cohiba factory just outside of Havana.
And he brought back some really good cigars.
Like I said, the only way I could get one was an importer friend of mine. And he gave me a hell of a deal.
That three hundred dollar cigar is normally like a thousand dollars. I'm not kidding you.
And so I got such a good deal on it, I would never have a chance to probably smoke one like that again.
Then I took him up on it. It's my understanding that if you want to write back, John and Jersey, let me know.
But for one, understand because of the exchange rate, you can buy them in Cuba for a lot better price.
So anyhow, all right. That's all the emails, Rob. You got something you want to go into?
Yeah. Um, what's it about Netflix?
Okay.
Its reign has been toppled by a competing streaming bundle.
Really?
In July, twenty twenty four, Disney Warner Brothers Discovery teamed up to introduce a new streaming bundle that includes Disney Plus, Hulu and Max.
Now that streaming bundle has overtaken Netflix in customer retention.
Netflix, which first launched its streaming service in 2007, has been the top platform until now.
The Disney Plus, Hulu and Max bundle cost $16.99 per month with ads and $29.99 with ad free options.
As of January twenty twenty five, the Netflix subscription cost $17.99 a month with ads and $24.99 for premium.
The bundle says subscribers forty three percent when compared to the cost of subscribing to all three services individually.
I think that's a great idea, don't you?
Yes. The bundle.
Bundle and save. That's what they say.
Subscribers chose to upgrade to the bundle after subscribing to only two or one or two of the services.
According to the media analytics from Antenna, the bundle has eighty percent subscriber retention after three months, while Netflix retains only seventy four percent.
That's a pretty good retention.
Yeah.
That's a great idea to bundle them. I mean, you know, just like they do auto and home and all that stuff.
That might be where that idea came from. But man, yeah, that's that's fantastic.
And I believe the retention is probably at high because they're getting a better deal.
They get more variety. So cool. Thank you, Rob. Is that it on the story?
Yeah, it goes a lot deeper. That's a tie.
OK. OK. Do you want to take our second break? We'll come back with some of these top seven albums that we're going to be talking about.
That and I got another list I got to put out.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's right. Because the music creeps will come out first and you'll understand it then when you listen to that. So. All right.
Yeah. As long as you get it.
I will. I've got the I've got the little disk drives right here with both shows.
All I got to do is get that one. And we don't have breaks in those.
So I don't put in a bunch of stuff in there. So it takes me no time to get them ready and throw them up on the net.
So so no problem. I should have it up tonight. The music creeps.
All right. We're going to go to our break and we're going to come back with the top seven.
If we only could listen to seven albums the rest of our lives. Right. Is that it.
That's it. All right. We'll be right back.
From Tulsa King. Yes. Who's not going to live in Tulsa anymore, but he's still Tulsa King.
And you ever wonder where something came about?
Have you ever looked at something and said, I wonder what the origin of that is?
Well, so have we. That's why we give you the origin of.
This is the story of Dr. Pepper, originally made in Morrison's old corner drugstore in Wicom, Texas.
The drink's unique flavor was a hit when it was first sold in 1885.
Wade Morrison, the drugstore owner, named it Dr. Pepper after Dr. Charles Pepper,
a Virginia doctor who the father of a girl, Morrison, he was once in love with.
You can still go to the Dr. Pepper Museum and still purchase the original formula
with pure artesian well water and pure cane sugar.
It's quite a treat if you're into Dr. Pepper.
Remember to send all male body part photos to Rob Radd's inbox.
Oh, shit. What's that over there? Oh, no. It's an island of horrible jokes.
I put a wooden shoe in my toilet. I guess it was clogged.
This is a voice guide from your favorite podcast, Two Douchebags in a Microphone.
People often ask us how they can find us when doing a remote broadcast.
One, smell. Go to the city market and start sniffing.
Our aroma's been described as a mixture of flea powder for goats,
Tabasco sauce, and old sock with dark fuzzy urine.
Two, look for the spot absent of patrons.
Three, the most telling sign is a crowd of patrons vomiting uncontrollably.
Four, just call us at 816-512-7717.
Topher, Mark, and Rob would like you to know that just because they have a podcast
does not mean their asshole does not stink.
I know them pretty well, and their asshole does stink.
So, just so you know, their asshole stinks just like yours.
Jam X. What the hell happened?
You were the generation of change.
You never wanted to be one of them.
At the feet. Spoke for you.
Hunk the man. Hunk the system.
What the hell happened?
The generation of angst. The generation of noncompliance.
Is now buying a boat?
You were really fed up to kill someone dangled a dollar near you.
Great job, Xers. Everything's ruined.
The apocalypse just happened.
You don't know what to do. You don't know where to go.
But we can tell you what you can eat.
During an apocalypse, you will probably need a good insecticide.
Soybean, corn, and peppermint oil are some plant extracts
that create powerful natural insecticides.
They are some of nature's best organic and natural pesticides
that when combined can make a far more superior weapon
that growers can effectively use to improve their integrated pest management
on their crops or on their person.
Please remember to go to Cole's dressing room, wait five minutes, and scream,
Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!
Now it's time for pick up lines from a loser.
If you were a fruit, you would be a fine apple.
Waa, wa, wa, wa.
To Douchebags Microphone, I'm Mark, stationed here in the Kansas City Metroplex, and you are?
I am Rob, and I am the Lake of the Ozarks.
Alright. Yep, the epicenter of sin and debauchery, Lake of the Ozarks, but we love it.
It's a beautiful lake, and there's a lot of cool people down there.
So, do you want to go?
It's like anywhere else.
There's cool people in this.
You're on one side of town, you're off.
Yeah, yep, yep.
Alright, is it south of the bridge or north of the bridge?
Which bridge?
The, they used to be Toll Bridge.
Oh, I am south.
Okay.
I don't know, this is weird.
That's one thing I've noticed about moving down here.
You know how normally you could be anywhere and you could tell where north, south, east, and west is?
Well, the lake has so many arms, you really don't know which way that arm goes out.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
Okay, for me, okay, if I was looking north, like I would be if I was there in Kansas City.
Uh-huh.
Actually, northeast would be north here.
Yeah, because of the way the arm in Camdenton is right there on the Niagara River arm.
I know what you're saying, yeah.
So, by the way that it's facing, it would be southeast.
But it's weird because Whiteman's is where it should be, Kansas City is where it should be.
Hmm.
No.
Oh, well, all right, you know what, let's go onto our list.
Do you want to do yours first?
Hello?
Yeah, I'm there, I'm there.
Okay.
Actually, why don't you do yours first?
Okay, that'll work.
All right, top seven list of albums that if we only had these albums to listen to for the rest of our life,
they would be as follows.
All right, my number seven, because that's Ronnie's calling signature, seven, only seven, not ten, not twelve, seven.
And we love them.
Okay, Pink Floyd, Shine On You Crazy Diamond.
That would be my number seven.
My number six would be Kiss Alive 2.
I know that most of it was in a studio and is made up, but it still kicks ass.
Um, number five, The Beatles, the white album.
Number four, Motley Crue, Too Fast For Love.
Number three, Ozzy, Diary Of A Madman.
Number two, Black Sabbath Mob Rules.
Number one, Led Zeppelin, Physical Graffiti.
That's it.
That's my seven.
Great list, great list.
Thank you, thank you.
It took a little bit of thought.
It was harder than what I thought.
Well, actually, I took both a little easier.
Okay.
Last week we had the musicians, or the bands, you would listen to for the rest of your life.
Mm-hmm.
So I figured it was only fitting to put albums with that band, with those bands from that list.
That's what I did.
Yeah.
So my number seven would be Death Weapon by Romania.
You know, I never thought about that, but that does make sense, Rob.
I didn't do that.
Yeah.
Number six, Steely Dan, Asia.
Wow.
That is a great album.
Good album.
Yeah.
And number five, I had Ozzy, Blizzard of Oz.
It was almost Blizzard, but I went Diary.
I liked Diary just a little bit.
Yeah, yeah.
I had to go Blizzard.
I almost did.
I get it.
And for number four, Rainbow, Rainbow Rising.
Oh, damn it.
I should probably put a rainbow in there, but I didn't.
And since number three was Leonard Skinner, it's pronounced Leonard Skinner.
Mm-hmm.
From 1973.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, yeah.
Named after the gym teacher, Leonard Skinner.
Yeah.
Well, that was the album that had Sweet Home Alabama and Simple Man.
Yeah, it was packed with classics.
Was Two Steps on that one, too?
No, no, no.
Two Steps was much later.
Working for MTA.
Okay, okay.
That was a good song.
Yeah, very good.
Okay, number two was Heart.
Got to be Dreamboat Annie.
Cool.
And that's the Crazy Over You song, right?
Yeah, it's got that one.
I could listen to that album all the time.
The reason I said that is because a lot of people are not real familiar with Heart.
That's what I'm saying.
It's the one with Crazy Over You, and that's the big radio.
Well, actually, they had a bunch of hits on it, but that's the one that most people would recognize.
So anyhow, go ahead.
Okay, and since I had Stevie Nicks as number one, I won with the best album I could think of.
And that was Sweet With Max Squirtish Hits.
Yeah, you might as well.
Now, I really enjoy Lindsay Buckingham's playing.
He was so unique because he was nothing but acoustic.
And when they wanted him to join the band, he said, well, I think girlfriend at the time, Christy McPhee,
he said, I'll only join the band and play electric guitar if you take her in the band, too.
And it worked out famously.
I thought she was awesome.
Well, cool.
That's a great list, Rob.
Love it.
All right.
And I could have went with Deep Purple and all this stuff.
It almost did.
I almost went with Deep Purple and Rock.
But I just went ahead and just, you know, I was thinking, you know, I always listen to rockers.
So I had to pick one rocker, one contemporary, one, you know what I mean?
Kind of like a little bit of infusion of a little bit of everything.
So anyhow, or at least what I consider is so right.
A Michigan court struck down a large chunk of an eighty eight thousand five hundred fifty dollar verdict for a Detroit area organic gardener who beloved Clover lawn was destroyed by a man spray and herbicide at the wrong address.
Marilyn Mack reported depression, anxiety and random crying after at her Oak Park home in 2020.
The appeals court upheld a jury award of twenty two thousand four hundred for harm to the property, but erased an additional sixty six thousand one hundred fifty dollars for non economic damages.
The court is in a three to nothing opinion.
Didn't doubt Max Anguish.
Rather, his conclusion Thursday was a technical one, noting that Michigan law does not allow non economic damages on a trespass claim.
I can't talk tonight, but everyone's used to it.
Clover is a nuisance to some homeowners to others.
It is a joy.
Mack lovingly seeded her lawn with Clover and watched it grow while the plant also satisfied bees and other pollinators.
But disaster struck nearly five years ago when an employee with natural way lawn service has sprayed her lawn with chemicals.
He was supposed to spray a neighbor's property, but had relied on GPS and went to the wrong house.
He should have walked onto the property.
Max attorney David Zupke said, I think that's how it's pronounced, told the appeals court there is a longstanding company policy.
Look at the address.
It's pretty simple.
It's 15 feet away.
The numbers are huge.
OK, I you know, I think twenty two thousand five hundred is probably about correct.
What do you think?
Yes, about right.
Yeah, I mean the crying and the anguish and all that stuff.
Look, the guy did a boneheaded thing.
He didn't mean to do it.
And also you can grow back your clover and not cry yourself to sleep at night.
I think that was a little much.
What do you think?
Yeah, it was a little much.
Yeah.
Do you remember a few years ago, I think it was in St. Louis area, but a demolition crew destroyed the wrong house?
Even though the lady kept telling him it was the wrong house?
Yeah, yeah, I remember that.
Yeah, I never did get to see a verdict on that case, but I'm pretty sure she wanted.
But there was like footage of her going, this is not the right house.
Don't tear it up.
This is my house.
The house she won is probably over there.
That's been abandoned for a while.
And the guy wouldn't listen.
And he started knocking her house down.
Right.
That's probably.
I remember that case.
I'll bet you that's like 15 years ago.
It seems like five, but I'll bet you it was 15 years ago at least.
But yeah, anyhow, Rob, go ahead.
OK, well, since we mentioned my music creeps list a while ago, I'm going to go ahead and bring it up.
All right.
And you'll understand it after you hear them.
Well, you know what?
They're going to hear it first, so it doesn't matter.
Yeah, this is if you could take somebody forcibly.
Any artist and put him with any other band.
I love this segment, by the way.
I have some good ones.
OK, I think they're good.
I think they probably are too.
Yeah, yeah, this is the first one.
I'm going to take Frick Durst.
And put him into Rainbow.
Oh, Richie Blackmore.
Go ahead.
It's your story.
I'm sorry.
Well, the thing is, we have to have a reason why on this one.
Oh, oh, OK.
My way.
That's what you told me anyway.
OK, the reason why is what I meant was the outcome.
You put him in there because that's what you wanted.
You wanted to see the outcome.
Well, I had my outcome.
You wanted to see the comical aspect of it,
so you forced someone that doesn't belong in there just for the comical aspect.
This is fine.
Go ahead.
I love this.
I love this angle.
Well, I say within the first five minutes, Richie Blackmore would have his guitar up
Brenda's ass.
Yes.
What are you singing the Nookie stuff?
What the fuck?
Get out of here.
Yeah, yeah.
He tried rapping this shit.
Yeah.
He'd be like, what the fuck are you saying?
Yeah, he'd have his guitar, he would take his guitar, put it up his record's ass.
So there'd be a Stratocaster hanging out of Dyrss' ass.
And I'll put money, I'll put money within the first five minutes.
Me too.
Rob, that was brilliant.
Love it.
OK, number two.
Tony Tenille of Captain Tenille.
That's funny.
You'll see what I mean when you listen to Music Creeps.
I used a Captain Tenille also.
Go ahead.
OK.
Well, I'm putting Tony Tenille with Peter, Paul and Mary.
OK, we're safe.
We're safe.
The only thing we have in common is Captain and Tenille.
Peter, Paul and Mary.
Oh, no.
Oh, my God.
Go ahead.
I'm not Captain, just Tony.
Just Tenille.
OK.
OK, I got you.
I'm putting Captain and Tenille up here is what I'm doing.
I get you.
Put her with Peter, Paul and Mary.
I say Captain and Tenille ended up divorced.
Yes, yes.
That was an odd one.
I loved it.
My next one?
Honestly, this one is a serious one.
I think this one would have went good.
OK.
I think this would have been a really good match.
We had a couple like that, too.
This is not joking, really.
This is a serious one.
Uh-huh.
Take Charlie Daniels and put him with Leonard Skinner after the plane crash to take over
for Ronnie Van Zandt.
That would have worked.
I really think that would have worked famously.
You mix the two, Skinner and Charlie Daniels, and have Charlie put his stank on it?
Uh-huh.
I think they would have come out with a hell lot more hits than what they did after the
crash.
Yeah, after the crash they did some good music, but it was nearly never the same.
Never nearly the same.
Yeah, yeah.
Right.
You know what?
I agree.
Yeah, they had one serious one.
I think that would have been excellent, dude.
Cool.
OK, next.
I have Kendrick Lamar of the Super Bowl halftime show.
OK.
Go to Molly motherfucking Hatchet.
Ha ha ha ha.
I guarantee you he would not even make it to the stage.
By the way, that is a proper pronunciation for Molly motherfucking Hatchet.
I wrote it that way.
It is a proper pronunciation.
It is not Molly Hatchet.
It's Molly mcmotherfucking Hatchet.
I guarantee you it would never have to see him again.
Yes, I agree.
That would be it.
No more.
Come on.
You ruined the Super Bowl.
You missed off a bunch of Southern boys.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You talk about, let's see, would there be a guitar up his ass?
What else?
Mike?
No, no, no, he just disappeared.
He just disappeared, OK.
He's at the...
Nobody would ever know.
Yeah, he might be in Lake Mead.
Who knows?
Nobody would ever know.
Under Giant Stadium.
Whatever.
And my next one, I received further.
OK.
Andy Summers, guitarist at the police.
I love his guitar playing, yes.
To the late 80s, early 90s Metallica.
Oh.
Tell me what would happen, Rob.
Tell me what would happen.
He would walk on the stage.
He would start up.
He'd just lay his guitar down and walk off the stage.
Wouldn't say a word.
You're right.
Walk off.
And then he would fire his booking agent.
Yeah, yeah.
I didn't know that.
I just keep walking off the stage.
You go, who booked this?
He.
He wouldn't say a word.
He just walked off.
Yeah.
And then people go, doesn't that look like Andy Summers?
Yeah, it couldn't be him.
He's with the police.
Oh my god, that would be the price of admission.
Andy wouldn't know what to do.
No.
He'd just lay his guitar down and walk off.
No, he'd be like, I don't know what they're doing.
I'm baffled.
I got to leave.
All right, that was great.
Okay, my next one is Ozzie to Motley Crue if Sarah would have gave permission.
I mean, come on.
We couldn't force Ozzie into Motley Crue.
We couldn't force Ozzie to do anything without him, sir.
No, no, no.
That's true.
And also, she made them.
I'm not going to have her do the forcible thing.
When he had them as a supporting act, they just came out of L.A.
And they were supporting Mark at the Moon.
Sharon had to make them not.
They had to make Motley Crue not let Ozzie go on their tour bus anymore because he would get so fucked up.
She was sick of it.
She said, no, I forbid you guys from hanging out after the concert.
That's it.
Well, see, here's the thing.
Ozzie is sobered up.
Mm-hmm.
I guess they pretty much had an eye on them.
But I think Ozzie would have called Nicky and Tommy dumbasses and fired both of them.
Yes, he would have now.
Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
You know, Motley Crue is not playing at that Ozzie tribute with Ozzie there, you know, in Birmingham.
Yeah.
He did take them out on their first world tour.
I wonder how come they're not there.
Oh, probably because nobody fucking likes them.
Could be.
Just a thought.
They're not the same.
No, no, people are like, no, no, skip.
Okay.
And for my Chelsea King rules, number seven.
Mm-hmm.
I'm going to take Dennis D. Young of Sticks.
You've been talking about him so much lately.
Yeah. Yep.
And put him with any heavy metal band.
Any heavy metal band.
Well, it might be a perfect marriage, but go ahead with what you think.
No, I think you would find him in a corner in the field position with not one but both songs in his mouth.
Very possible.
Yeah.
His theatrics, yeah, no, would not.
Well, Topher went over the Dennis D. Young stuff and what Sticks had said, and I'd forgotten some of the stuff that they said.
And they do have a point if what they said is true about Dennis D. Young and his wife and stuff like that.
So, yeah, they do have a point.
If all that did happen, then I understand why they're like, no, we're not doing it.
But for the fans, like D. Young says, he can't stand them because the way he viewed it is was they kicked him out when he was deathly ill and then started motherfucking him saying he ruined the band.
So I get that. I get his view and I get Sticks view if everything I said was true.
But, you know, for the fans, couldn't they just do one last, you know, maybe one last tour?
But it's not going to happen.
Or do like an Aussie thing, one last special.
Yeah, that would be great. I would love to see Sticks.
I wish they'd do a tour because I would love to go see them with Dennis D. Young.
And then the surviving members of Sticks, obviously, like Young and Shaw and who's the other guy? Oh, well, it doesn't matter. Yeah.
Yeah, I would love that.
Back in the 70s and 80s, they were a major part of rock history.
They could have been another queen. They could have been.
Yeah, they were. If Dennis would have gotten his way, they would have been.
I would have loved to have seen it.
I mean, the only difference is Queen went poppy with like body language or whatever they called it.
Is it body language, I think? Hot Space? Queen went poppy with Hot Space, the album Hot Space.
So Sticks had, Kilroy was here. So it's kind of equals out.
Now, the only difference is the Queen, the Queen fans stuck with them.
The Sticks fans did not. And I don't know what that is. I mean, were Sticks fans different or something?
I don't know. But, you know, they both did their own thing of like come out with poppy music and all that.
But for some strange reason, Queen survived it and Sticks did not. So anyhow, who knows why?
All right, Rob, do you want to keep going?
Uh, see, yeah, I've got one more.
Okay, go ahead. And then I got a little something I'd like to do if we have time. So go ahead.
This is off beat path.
Okay.
An elderly Canadian driver was left in shock as he learned his license had been suspended over an accident that happened in 1960.
I think Gilder, 85, found out he owed a $4,600 US dollar fine just before Christmas after he was involved in a minor spinnerbender 65 years ago.
Gilder says he has no recollection of the accident and is unsure if it even happened.
The senior assistant thought he would just have to take a driver's test while in last year's incident.
He then learned his license had been suspended over the uninsured accident in Toronto in 1960.
I just can't believe it. I couldn't remember having an accident that I wasn't insured.
Huh. It makes you wonder if maybe that is a case of a mistaken, you know, in the paperwork or something.
That has happened before.
Yeah, that's what I'm thinking.
Yeah, I think he would remember it by this point. And also, do you think they really have a right to like really prosecute after all that time?
I mean, I think just leave it alone. It's like the other person's probably not even around anyhow.
Oh no.
I don't know. I had to stay together to come back after my license 12 years later after I took care of it.
Really?
And got me suspended in Missouri, yeah.
Okay, so wow. Did you get it straightened out?
Yeah, eventually.
But it cost a lot of money, didn't it?
Well, no. The problem was I did what I had to do back then.
Well, all of it. It was a DWI.
That's okay.
I got my Kansas license in Missouri.
Shit happens, dude.
Well, I did everything I had to do. I took the class, the insurance, everything.
Paid the fine, all that, yeah.
Got a clearance from the state of Kansas.
My Missouri license, so it was just moving back to Missouri.
Renewed it like three times. Next time I go to renew it.
Oh, we can't renew this. Kansas has a hold on it.
Kansas could hold the Missouri license? Wow. Okay.
Well, what they did was years later come back and said I could do what I had to do.
So you had to prove it?
Yeah, yeah. Okay. Well, my insurance agent was an old man, so he couldn't prove my SR-22.
Okay.
And actually the state of Kansas mentioned, well, did he contact his relatives?
I don't know who the fuck his relatives were.
And I doubt it because this was in 90, this all happened in 94.
Yeah, that's long gone and forgot about. Geez.
And I said, well, I got a clearance from you to get my Missouri license. You know.
How do I solve? I mean, clearly the problem is, and I asked the gal, I said how many times did you change computer systems since 1994?
How many times was it?
I couldn't tell them.
Yeah, that sounds like a fucked job right off the bat.
Well, at some point, the information got lost. Yeah, it took me forever to get my damn license back.
And she told me, well, since we supposedly gave you a clearance, get ahold of Missouri and get that clearance.
Well, I get ahold of Missouri and the first thing Missouri tells me, do you know how many times we've changed computer systems?
Seriously, that's why I'm so galphobic. That's what I don't care about.
What they say.
Well, I guess I had to, well, it had been so long, all I had to do was send some notarized letter into Kansas and they released it again.
Good.
Damn it.
Yeah, but still.
We're talking about some red tape bullshit.
And a pain in the ass too. Geez.
Yeah, and this was in like 2006, 2007.
And this all happened, I got that DWI in 1994.
1994, yeah.
Wow.
I'm like, are you kidding me?
Wow.
Shit, I'm glad you got it straight. Wow, that's crazy. We're approaching the 930 mark.
Yeah, it was about my bedtime, brother.
All righty, we'll do the stuff that I was going to do later.
What I have is a list from the ASPCA of things that are actually really harmful for your dog.
You know, there's all these things going around, this hurts and that hurts and this hurts.
This is the actual list of what can hurt them and what they cannot have.
And we're going to do that on the next podcast because I think it needs to be out there.
Yeah, yeah. So yeah, I own two dogs if you'd like.
Yeah, and we own lots of dogs. So, you know, yeah.
And every year a lot of dogs perish because people simply don't know, like grapes.
Grapes is one. It shuts down their kidneys.
But people don't know it and their dog comes up and begs, oh, here's a grape.
The next thing they know, their dog's on its deathbed.
There's stuff like that that you need to know.
The next podcast we're going to cover all of them.
This is the official list the ASPCA put out the first of the year.
So anyhow, all right, everybody. Thank you for thank you for joining us.
Have a good night, assholes.
Good night, assholes.