And now it's time for...
The Daily Deucebag Pledge.
Here at Two Deucebags in a Microphone, we don't stand behind our journalistic integrity.
Go ahead and assume we got the story wrong. At least we admit it.
Not like all those other guys. We can and will lie if it makes the story better.
Two Deucebags and a Microphone.
We Talk.
Jesus.
This is a voice guide from your favorite podcast, Two Deucebags in a Microphone.
People often ask us how they can find us when doing a remote broadcast.
1. Smell.
Go to the city market and start sniffing.
Our aroma has been described as a mixture of flea powder for goats, Tabasco sauce, and old sock with dark fuzzy urine.
2. Look for the spot absent of patrons.
3. The most telling sign is a crowd of patrons vomiting uncontrollably.
Just call us at 816-512-7717.
Next up, Things Overheard in Hell.
Socks with socks are the only footwear allowed in hell.
Now, from this underground bunker camped in Missouri,
stock-full of dried guts, canned food, and a couple of vibrating toys
is ramblings of a madman featuring Rob Rad.
My mechanic told me I couldn't repair your brakes.
So I made you one-lotter.
Good job.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee-slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity.
I will rescue you.
But my mom told me to not burn trash.
The apocalypse just happened.
You don't know what to do.
You don't know where to go.
But we can tell you what you can eat.
Ground IV is a persistent ground cover that often escapes death by lawn mowers
due to its low profile.
It spreads by setting out roots from its nodes and can colonize an area quickly.
Ground IV is in the mint family.
So it has square stems which help identify it.
Although it's a mint, it's probably not something you would chew on
for that refreshing, tingly taste that other mints impart.
Use young shoots and leaves and salads are cooked.
But be sure to taste before adding too much since it has a strong flavor
that may not go over well in a large quantity.
Now it's time for pick-up lines from a loser.
Are you an appendix?
I don't know who you are or what you do, but I feel like I should take you out.
Waa-waa-waa-waa.
Swimming in toxic masculinity and wiping their ass with politically correct wash rags.
Two douchebags in a microphone invade your ear holes in 3, 2, 1.
And now, deep thoughts with Mark.
Why do they call it quicksand if it takes so slow to sink?
I may never know.
Okay, that's cool.
All right.
Thank you, Rob.
While we're on alcohol, a hot dog daiquiri, bartender's Chicago-style hot dog cocktail,
goes viral.
Does that sound good, a hot dog daiquiri?
Not to me.
I say that it does.
It does it, really?
To me, yeah.
Okay.
To me, yeah.
Why not?
Okay.
All right.
I do, too.
But I don't like them paraded.
I don't know.
So anyhow.
Fulton Market, Fulton Market.
Okay, okay.
Let me have a few natty lights and I'll try one.
Okay, okay.
Under those guidelines, yeah.
Yeah, maybe so, then.
Okay, I got it.
You have a couple of natty lights and you're feeling good and you're a little bit hungry
and you're like, yeah, I don't want to end this buzz.
Boom.
Hot dog daiquiri.
You're doing both.
I get it now.
Fulton Market.
Fulton Market bartender Katie McCourt's hot diggity daiquiri answers the question, what
if everything that goes on a Chicago hot dog went into a glass?
Fulton Market, over the last few weeks, a stream of customers has walked into the Hoxton
Hotel's Mediterranean restaurant, but instead of asking for a hero, they're asking for a
hot dog daiquiri.
Well, it seems like an odd request.
McCourt understands why so many customers are asking about the creation.
McCourt, a cocktail creator and the restaurant's long-time bartender, went viral last month
when she made a hot dog inspired cocktail and shared it online.
With a post-garner and nearly 200,000 views, the concoction has with some unique ingredients
like mustard syrup, celery root liqueur, and sausage.
I had no idea all those things existed except for sausage.
I did.
Go ahead, but I get it.
Go ahead.
You know what, Rob?
The more I read into this, the more I see what you're saying, and I get it too.
Anyhow, she avoided using hot dog water, which is common in hot dog cocktails McCourt sees
online.
Yeah, yeah.
She said, the hot dog water thing.
That would kill it.
I agree 100%.
I really did not want to do that because I just didn't think it would be appetizing,
McCourt said.
So then I thought, what if I put everything that goes in this Chicago hot dog in a glass?
McCourt walked a block clip through the recipe, starting with a celery root liqueur.
McCourt then adds mustard, mustard simple syrup, white rum, lime juice, and a few drops
of tomato oil.
The cocktail is shaken, strained, and served with a mini hot dog garnish.
So you actually get a real hot dog with it too.
Yeah, that's what I'm getting.
I understand it.
I get it too now, Rob.
Now this sounds good to me.
At first it didn't because I was thinking hot dog water and all that.
The concoction allows people to eat the hot dog and drink the toppings, McCourt said.
The drink's flavor profile is robust and compliments the hot dog.
It's not super sweet.
It's not savory, but kind of right in the middle.
McCourt initially made the hot dog daiquiri for her cousin, Matthew Dominic, the creator
behind Chicago Food Base platform, yucking on TikTok and YouTube.
Yucking it up on Instagram.
Okay, I'm kind of in now.
I think that sounds good.
Okay, here's where I get it.
Okay.
You're in a bar, you're drinking, you don't feel like eating.
Uh-huh.
They give you a hot dog daiquiri.
Yeah.
You get a hot dog in you.
You get a little bit of nutrition and you keep carrying on.
I get it.
I do too, Rob.
Now I do.
At first I thought it sounded gross, but now upon further review-
Yeah, no, it does sound gross, but if you're drunk, you'll drink anything.
No, I just put myself in that position.
Why not?
Why not a blended hot dog and everything else?
You know?
Yeah.
Yeah, and I agree, Rob.
You and the article changed my mind.
All right.
Very cool.
All right, you got something you want to go into?
Yeah, I'm going to my least favorite, Rockpur, Sunil Young.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, my least favorite.
I will always admit that.
Alice Cooper said this best about Neil Young.
He said that his voice always sounds like it's a complaint.
And I agree.
He wasn't dogging him.
He just said that he sounds like a complaint, everything that he sings, and I would agree
with him.
Wait till you hear this story.
Okay.
Legendary rocker Neil Young has unleashed an astonishing rant on Gastonbury after pulling
out of performing at the music festival.
I'm guessing Gastonbury's in England.
Okay.
RadarOnline.com can reveal that veteran singer 79 was to perform a farewell gig at the venue
this summer with his band, the Chrome Harps, as he winded down his long career.
Thank God.
Sorry.
Did I say that?
But his fans disappointed by scraping and plan concert or scrapping.
They disappointed by scrapping the planned concert before slamming the festival in a
shock rant.
Uh-huh.
Of course.
Yeah, yeah, that's what, yeah.
Saying it was under corporate control of its broadcaster, the BBC.
Uh-huh.
Oh, we're going, we're going to have a lot of fun here.
Neil Young, BBC, yeah, we're going to have fun here.
Young wrote on his website that Quirrell Martin and I were looking forward to playing Gastonbury,
one of my all-time favorite outdoor gigs.
We were told the BBC was now a partner in Gastonbury and wanted us to do a lot of things
in a way that we were not interested in.
It seems Gastonbury is now under corporate control and is not the way I remember it being.
We'll have people in Gastonbury on this tour because it's a corporate turn, pass off, and
not for me like it used to be.
Hope to see you at one of our other venues on our tour.
Anybody that knows Neil Young, that's Neil Young.
He's against the man.
Yes, he's always waving his fist in the air.
Come on, he's the one that bowed off at Leonard Skinner.
Come on.
Yes.
That's what my problem is with Neil Young.
He bowed off about Southern men.
Well, Leonard Skinner, come back and answer me.
I'm on Leonard Skinner's side.
Me too.
I would agree 100%.
Southern men don't need your around anyhow.
But I'm for the original Skinner.
I mean, I support both of them.
Oh yes, yes, yes.
I highly support the original Skinner.
Yeah, the ones that died.
Well, half of them died.
Definitely.
Yep.
All right.
Well, Rob, I ask you, do you feel good enough to go on or do you want to go ahead and shut
this shit show down for tonight?
We can go a little bit longer if you want.
Okay, sounds good to me.
I don't mind if I come up with another one or two, but I can do that.
Okay.
Have you ever heard about AlgoSpeak?
No.
Okay.
Well, AlgoSpeak refers to a coded language used on social media platform.
It's where users replace certain words with alternative terms that should avoid automatic
detection by content moderation, algorithms, if you will, essentially speaking in a way
that bypasses automatic filters.
So, for example, let's say you say, killed, or I'm going to kill somebody.
Most social platforms will take that off.
They won't let you say it.
It's censored, right?
And they do this with these algorithms.
And here's you say that, the algorithm, and it automatically bans your post.
Okay?
So, people that are doing social media that want to say death or something like that,
they came up with alternative speak.
Okay?
They came up with what they call AlgoSpeak.
And this is stuff that describes what they're talking about that won't get caught and censored.
Right?
Yeah.
Okay.
So, here's an example according to the New York Times.
What do you think unalive means, Rob?
Unalive?
Dead?
Yeah, meaning dead or killed.
How about SEGS?
S-E-G-G-S?
I don't know.
Segments?
No.
Morning sex.
I don't know how they got that either.
Oh, SEGS.
Oh, SEGS, SEGS.
S-I-G-G-S.
Okay.
I thought you were like segments.
It does remind you of segments.
Yeah, I just didn't.
Okay.
Well, I got SEG.
Yeah.
Okay.
The next one, accountant.
What do you think that means?
Accountant?
Mm-hmm.
That's a person that takes care of your finances.
Come on.
Okay.
Well, according to AlgoSpeak, it's more...
Evidently, I'm in the middle of something.
No, I didn't get these either because it was in question form.
Sex worker.
That's what accountant means.
How about...
Okay.
I've been away from the douchebags too long.
I need to get back in douchebags for a while.
These things are hard to get because I don't know how they got them.
So leg...
That I might have gotten in normal thought.
So...
Leg, booty.
L-E-G, like leg, and then booty, like in your butt, your ass.
Okay?
You know what that means?
Good time.
Referring to the LGBTQ plus community, so that's lesbian, gay, bisexual, transsexual.
Okay.
Yep.
Corn, as in the stuff up in Iowa, some in Missouri, some in Kansas.
Right?
Corn?
They make corn syrup out of it?
Guys, dude, I'm bi-sex.
It sometimes uses a coded term for porn, so you hit it.
Porn, corn.
Okay, gotcha.
Yeah.
One letter, different.
Yeah, and I get it.
That's kind of like a hee-hee.
This fits porn, but it doesn't hit, it doesn't fit corn, so you figure it out like that.
Austrian painter.
This one is hard, but once I read it, I'm like, oh, this is brilliant, whoever came
up with this one.
Go for it.
Hitler.
Austrian painter.
Painting.
You ever hear about someone painting the ceiling?
Yeah.
Or they blew their head off, or they blew their head off?
Austrian painter.
Oh.
Yeah.
Gotcha.
That was clever.
I would not approach that towards Hitler.
Well, after I read it, it made sense before that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Next one I think you'll get, pew pew.
Shooting a gun.
Yep, gun.
This next one's bad, but I love it.
Sewer slide.
Like in sewer shit and stuff.
And a slide, you know, that you slide into it.
A sewer slide.
A very bad relationship.
Pretty close.
It refers to suicide.
Suicide, that's what it refers to.
Too close to a bad relationship, Rob.
Pretty close.
So, this next one I don't think you'll get because I was like, huh?
Camping.
Oh, yeah, go ahead.
Abortion.
I don't know how they got it.
Oh, come on.
Oh, I think I know how, Rob.
You know how some states have abortion and some states don't?
Abortion means you had to go to another state and camp out to get an abortion.
So I think that's how they got camping.
I'm not for sure.
I have a different reason, but I'm not going to say it because I get that.
Okay, you can tell me when we shut this thing off, okay?
Yeah, because that goes too deep for even us.
Oh, okay.
All right, gotcha.
The next one, nip-knops.
I think you can get that one.
Nip-knops.
Any bouncing together?
Nipples, close.
La dollar bean.
It refers to a lesbian.
And panini means pandemic, especially COVID-19.
So I guess you can't say pandemic on social media platforms like that either.
So that's it.
That's the list I got.
Some of them I thought were brilliant.
Some of them I'm still scratching my head going, how did they get that?
So there you go.
All right.
You got something you want to go into, Rob?
Yeah, I do.
All right, cool.
Actually, I'm going to sell another weekly list.
Sounds good to me.
This is 17 laws that you won't believe are real.
Nice.
And I'm going to get out like five to nine.
Okay.
Five or six.
We'll see how far I go.
And next segment, you'll get some more.
I love that.
Yeah, I know you would.
Keep you in suspense.
Sounds good to me.
Okay, first up.
In Thailand, stepping on money.
It's illegal to step on Thai currency as it bears the image of the king and defacing
it can lead to severe penalties.
Oh, wow.
Like you get caned or something?
Yeah, I do like stepping on the American flag.
Okay, okay.
I get it.
You know what I mean?
Uh-huh.
I just said I think in Thailand it'd be a lot worse.
Yeah, probably.
We have jail time.
I probably care you for that.
Who knows?
Probably.
In Switzerland.
Flushing the toilet after 10 p.m.
To prevent noise disturbances, it's illegal to flush your toilet after 10 p.m. in some
Swiss apartment buildings.
Okay, so I guess it's that loud?
I guess.
Okay.
I like that apartment.
I don't get to fuck off with my toilet anytime I want.
Me too.
Yeah.
In Singapore, chewing gum.
Wow.
Okay.
Selling or importing chewing gum is prohibited in Singapore except for the therapeutic purposes
to keep public places clean.
Okay.
So I guess when you go to Singapore, don't have no damn gum.
You go to jail.
Wow.
Where is it?
In France.
That's fine.
Naming a pig Napoleon.
It's illegal to name a pig Napoleon in France under a law literally insulting the former
emperor.
Wow.
Okay.
So if you live in France, do not call your pig Napoleon.
Okay.
Did they like Napoleon there?
Napoleon was from France, dude.
Okay.
Oh, okay.
All right.
Got it.
Sorry, I'm trying to post that we're doing a podcast right now because everybody's indoors
because of the weather.
Yeah.
Sorry, I was a little preoccupied, but I forgot you said France.
France, sorry.
Okay.
Yeah, Napoleon, France.
Yeah.
Okay.
It's illegal to name a pig Napoleon in France.
Yeah, because he's French.
I get it.
That is fine.
Okay, yeah.
Yeah, I just got to tag you.
Okay.
Yeah.
Yep.
Hey, man.
While you're inside on Blizzard, listen to us.
Yeah, why not?
Yeah.
Okay.
Last up for tonight.
In Italy, feeding pigeons in Venice.
Being pigeons in public places in Venice is banned to control their population and maintain
cleanliness.
You know what?
I get that.
And the reason is because like you said, man, they really get pigeons get really aggressive
and violent over food and they will run down there and they will jump all over you and
your family because if someone's being addicted to me at the city market, I will roll up some
bread crumbs and I will throw it under their table very discreetly and I will watch them
run and scream because pigeons will all fly down there to grab the food.
So I get it.
Cool.
All right.
Thank you, Rob.
You want to keep going or you want to shut this show down?
That's up to you.
Okay.
You want to hear about some...
To be honest, I've been kind of missing it.
I've been kind of needing my therapy.
You know what?
That's a good thing, everybody.
What's...
Something that I could not say at mom's funeral yesterday because I promised I would not make
it.
I'm sorry.