And now it's time for...
The Daily Deucebag Pledge
Here at Two Deucebags in a Microphone, we don't stand behind our journalistic integrity.
Go ahead and assume we got the story wrong. At least we admit it.
Not like all those other guys, we can and will lie if it makes the story better.
Two Deucebags and a Microphone
We are...
KZ
Two Deucebags and a Microphone in an effort to keep everything fresh.
We offer you...
First World Problems.
Damn it! The City Services website is down again.
I can't believe this. I'm going to have to actually call and talk to someone to pay my damn trash bill.
This is ridiculous.
Have you ever wondered where something came about?
Have you ever looked at something and said, hey, I wonder what the origin of that is?
Well, so have we. That's why we gave you...
The Origin of...
The Origin of Knee-High Softdrinks
Claude Hatcher overheard a route salesman enter the plant one day and describe the competitor's tall bottle as being knee-high.
Knee-high originated with the Cherokela Company in Columbus, Georgia by Claude A. Hatcher in 1912.
And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark.
If you melt dry ice...
In a pool...
Can you swim without getting wet?
Hmph.
I may never know.
Two douchebags and microphone on this snowy evening here in Kansas City.
Right now, 14 inches of snow and counting.
Still snowing hard. Blowing and drifting snow.
Blizzard today.
Well, you know what? We have not had a bad snowstorm in probably eight years.
So we were very due for it. So I'm not going to bitch.
You know, I just...
You know, I'm one of these people who like keeping active and like keeping on the schedule.
So I like going into work. You know, I don't mind it. I really do.
I like having something to do. I like keeping myself entertained.
So whenever I get a surprise day like this, I get a little bit bored.
And you and I talked about it, Rob, right?
Well, you heard it introduced. I'm back. Rob is back.
Yes, yes, yes. No, I did that on purpose. I wanted to just throw it to you.
And then you would go, oh, hey. Well, Rob, unfortunately, has a very good reason for missing.
Yes, I do.
And I'm going to go ahead and let him tell you this.
And anyhow, like I said, I hope you all prayed for him because he definitely needed it.
Anyhow, go ahead, Rob.
OK. Saturday, December 28th, my mom fell at the assisted living.
And she never really recovered.
She passed away at two twenty three or about two thirty a.m. New Year's morning.
So that's why I had to wait. My mom, mine and the Duke's mom passed away.
And we've had a lot to go through and a lot to deal with.
But I'm back. I'm back.
And that's one thing that. It's something I couldn't talk about at the funeral was.
Since I started doing this podcast.
Every time I talked to my mom told me how happy I sounded.
I had something, you know, I this podcast is everything.
And I knew it.
I could tell just by talking to me on the phone and she could tell that I was finally happy.
And I get it now, Mark. I get I get what her parents mean by.
They just want you to be happy.
Yeah, you know what?
You know, the whole time you're taking relationship.
And whatever. But mom, this last year and a half, every time I talked to her, which is two, three, four times a week.
Because Rob is a good man. That's why Rob is a good man.
Anyhow, go ahead. I'm sorry. I had to put that in.
Mention how happy I sounded.
It was I could tell in her voice made her happy. So I get it now.
As a parent.
When your parent asks you.
Tells you all they want for you to be happy.
I get it now.
I think virtually all parents will tell you that in the end.
They'll be like, you know what? All I want you to do is be happy in life and do what you want to do.
Yeah, yeah. Right.
But mom could tell this last year and a half.
I've been happy.
I'm doing this. And she knows. And she told me this podcast, which I had to explain to her what the hell a podcast was.
Yeah.
But, you know, she was happy for me. And that makes me feel good.
Mom was finally happy for me because I was happy.
You know, and what a blessing.
And this is something I could not say at the funeral yesterday.
Because I promised my brother, the Duke, I would not make this about myself. And I did not.
Cool.
So.
Okay.
What a blessing that is, though, Rob, that your mom got to experience you truly being happy before she passed.
Yes. And that makes me feel better.
That is what I.
I mean, come on, Mark. I've lived a long life. I've let my mom down more than once.
You know, I remember when we were working together just in camp.
Yeah.
And I cried. And I wonder if I'd make it home.
Yes.
So.
Hey, if it means anything, all of our parents did.
Well, hell yeah. Hell yeah.
We were that way. You know.
But.
We did.
Mom was finally happy. I was happy. And that makes me happy.
We are proud to say there are no deaths on our watch. None.
Nobody when we were doing stupid shit died in the process. And we're very proud of that.
Okay. Okay. Well, we're not going to lie. There's been a few emergency grow.
There's been a few.
Including John. Including John.
Yeah. Yeah. John had a couple.
Remember.
Our words. Yeah. Anyway.
We thought Darren was puking blood and actually was just night training.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
And that's when our parents were worried about us.
So yeah. I get it now.
I remember the doctor in the ER room clearly.
He comes out there and he looks at us.
And he goes.
So our patient.
I was there. I was there.
He goes. So our patient here is vomiting blood.
And he kind of rolls his eyes.
And he goes over there. He looks. He goes. That's not blood.
That appears to be some sort of wine.
We're like.
And he goes. You're lucky I told you now.
He said I could have charged you for it.
That's why we. That's why we warn people about nitrate.
It is evil. It is venom.
It's bad for you.
Yes it is. It is venom from Satan.
Satan put it on this earth. It's venom for us to think.
We think it's like a magical potion.
But it's actually venom that he wants us to drink and be miserable.
Right. Yep.
All right. OK.
Well shall we go ahead and get this shit show started Rob.
Let's do it.
I've been missing this.
Honestly I've been needing it.
I just didn't think I could bring myself to it.
That's why we're doing it tonight.
So let's do it.
Very cool. All right.
First thing I'm going to go into is.
I'm going to vindicate my feelings about real sugar.
And I've you know and I started this because I told everybody the story.
I wanted to get off a corn syrup.
That way when I went into the average convenience store to get gas.
That when they generally don't have real sugar.
Well now more of them are starting to get them.
So it's kind of like it's not as good.
It's not working as good as it used to.
But I want to go there. It's all corn syrup. I don't want it.
And it worked. It has been working.
Because I developed a taste for real sugar.
And like I thought like I read.
That once you develop a taste again for real sugar.
Corn syrup tastes bitter.
And to me it does now.
So I don't like corn syrup and anything because of that.
And anyhow I got a little article that I found that kind of vindicated me on this whole thing.
Because you know every now and then you wonder what you're doing.
If it's really working or not or whether it's just psychological.
Right?
Yeah.
Okay.
Here's I'll go into this article now.
There's something indescribable about why American Coke tastes so good.
But only to me it only tastes good if it's fountain.
And like McDonald's and Quick Trip are the two ones that are good.
You can chalk it up to the perfect amount of carbonation or its syrupy levels of sweetness.
But that may be underestimating its power.
But every once in a while if you're in luck at a store or restaurant.
You might spot that special glass bottle.
The iconic Mexican Coke.
If you taste a Mexican Coke then you know there's something distinctly elite about its flavor.
But is there really a difference between Mexican and American Coke?
Or is it just that cool vintage glass bottle playing tricks on you?
And that's really what I was thinking.
I'm like does this just take me back to childhood?
Is this what it is?
Is this a remembrance thing?
Is this a nostalgia thing?
Does it really just taste the same and I don't know?
You know so turns out it's not just in your head.
Mexican Coke actually uses different ingredients.
Although both fall under the same massive international corporation that is the Coca-Cola Company.
Every country's ingredient list varies slightly.
Mexican Coke cane sugar while Coke produces in the US began using high fructose corn syrup instead of cane sugar in 1980.
And that was Congress that did that.
We had so much corn production we didn't know what to do with it right?
So they were like well what can we do with all this corn production?
You know it's just rotting in the bins.
So then Congress said well let's make it into corn syrup and throw it into everything.
And that's what they started doing.
And you notice the obesity levels are way up.
Yeah.
So okay so anyhow despite there being little difference in how their bodies break down these sugars.
Mexican Coke lovers firmly believe cane sugar is what sets it apart.
Some claim it simply tastes more refreshing than all natural.
It really is more the bottle playing tricks on you.
No.
What this article goes into and I'll read a little bit more of it without boring everybody is.
The different ingredients with the bottle in tandem is what gives you that flavor that you remember when you were a child.
Which sparks your nostalgia.
So it is a different taste.
And real sugar anything does taste different than corn syrup something.
Okay.
So what this article without like going into all this stuff and everything.
Basically what this article says is it's both.
Okay so real sugar, cane sugar in particular, has a very distinctive sweet taste.
And corn syrup you think it tastes sweet but actually you develop a taste for it.
So when they very first switched over to corn syrup a lot of people were kind of like dropping sodas and they were really worried about it.
They're like wow you know people aren't.
You know they start that's when all these health clubs started popping up in America in 1980 right.
And they thought okay well it's a health trend.
Well it turns out that people were not they didn't like the corn syrup as well.
And so they stopped drinking sodas because of it.
And then when people started getting used to it because fountain drinks are in that much of a difference.
Then they started drinking them again.
But for a while there they thought they're going to have to do something different because it actually showed in their cells.
And they wasn't sure if it was a corn syrup or the actual health trend that was going on in 1980.
So anyhow like I said the article says it is the cane sugar combined with a couple of different ingredients that are better.
You know that makes it taste better plus the glass bottle and your nostalgia because of it you're drinking it when you were young.
So there you go I'm somewhat vindicated.
Rob go ahead if you got something in I know you do.
Yeah yeah I do.
I have a question for you.
Yes.
That's only because something from the story I'm reading.
Is there an I-55 north of Kansas City?
I-55?
St. Louis?
Not Kansas City.
Those are a Kansas City story.
Okay.
I-55.
I don't know where they got I-55.
Maybe it's 435.
It sounds similar to 55.
I don't know.
I-55 north and south it goes from St. Louis to Memphis all the way to New Orleans.
Ten miles north of Kansas City.
No that would probably be 435.
But anyway you've probably heard this story and it's one I've been holding.
Okay.
This is dumbass driver of last year.
Okay.
This might be the greatest example of distracted driving ever.
And it's a miracle that no one was injured.
Okay.
A Missouri man was accused by police of playing video games while he was caught moving a 107 behind the wheel.
You're right I did hear about it and it was on I-29.
It was on the I-29.
Okay well in this report it says 155.
I'm like that's St. Louis.
But anyway.
155 they're taking a 152 in Liberty maybe?
Maybe.
It was on I-29.
It could have been near 152 highway but that was on I-29 but go ahead.
But anyway.
It goes on to say I saw this incredible report shared by the smoking gun.
Oh yeah.
They saw a 25 year old guy named Dakota Trevin Crater was pulled over a few days ago driving, okay that's what it says, I-55.
10 miles north to Kansas City, Missouri.
The police report is astonishing in its details which includes the following.
He was allegedly driving a 107 mile an hour in a 65 mile an hour zone.
He was allegedly driving on a suspended driver's license.
He allegedly said he didn't know he was speeding because he was busy playing a video game which might be his favorite.
Well you know how they found out about it Rob from what I read.
Have you ever heard of Discord?
That's where you get online and play games with other people.
It connects you. You can talk to them.
Yeah.
They proved that he was on Discord.
But he had first admitted it.
It goes on to say for less work, time calculator estimates that you travel 300 feet in 2 seconds.
When you're driving a hard 7 mile an hour, that's merely the blink of an eye where your eyes on a screen could mean serious injury or death for you and or others.
Yeah. Yeah.
They're accused and reportedly scheduled to be in court on April 15.
Wow.
I'm just going to leave it at that. Come on man.
I mean I don't know what else to say.
They've done GFW video games to a 107 down the highway.
Well this goes hand in hand with the new law in Missouri that took effect January 1st.
Yeah it does.
Yeah. If you get caught on your phone.
Hands free.
Yeah hands free. If you get caught on your phone, first one is $200, second one is $500. Is that what it is or something?
Something like that.
I think the first time you get caught is $200, the second time it's $500 and the third time they're talking about jail time.
So people get off your fucking phones for real.
I'm getting tired of waiting around the stop lights while you fucking put a ha ha on Facebook.
So and also.
I mean come on.
Going too slow or swimming around.
A 100 and southern going down the highway playing a video game. That's.
I'm sorry that guy needs to be slapped. He needs to be slapped really fucking hard.
He needs to be slapped until a little bit of sense goes into his head.
That guy is ridiculously stupid.
I don't know what else to say. His parents should be in shame right now.
Yeah.
Are they?
Yeah that's just that's crazy.
Okay I'm here real quick I want to go into the origin and New Year's resolutions. We haven't got to do a podcast till now.
And I was going to do it.
Yeah we were.
Yeah so I was going to go into the origins of it and then after that we could take our break and come back and do our nipple yank and all that.
You want to do that?
Oh shit dude. I'm sorry I have not done that.
Okay that's cool. We don't have to do that. We can do it next time.
Did you do alternate universe lead singers?
No I have not. It's been a busy week.
Okay no no no I understand. That's not a complaint Rob.
We'll get both of them next time.
That sounds good. Sounds good.
Okay New Year's resolutions originated in ancient Babylon over 4,000 years ago.
The Babylonians created the New Year with a 12 day religious festival called Akitu which marked the start of agricultural activities.
During this time farmers would promise to return borrowed tools and repay debts to the gods.
These commitments were meant to start the year clean with a clean slate and grain favor from the deities.
In the Middle Ages knights would renew their vows to chivalry and knightly vowers.
One of the most celebrated vows was the vow of the peacock or the pheasant.
Knights would place their hands on a live or roast a peacock to renew their vows.
That means they can either put their hands on a peacock or roast it.
So I guess it probably meant whether they were hungry or not right?
Yeah.
So either one would work. I found that a little odd.
Okay the phrase New Year's resolution first appeared in a Boston newspaper article in 1813 and has been called a New Year's resolution ever since.
And then satrionizing the practice, by the beginning of the 19th century people were making and failing to keep resolutions.
So often that the habit was satirized in 1802 Walker-Hiberman magazine published an article that included a series of fictitious resolutions.
And if you ever want to you can go to the Walker-Hiberman archives and find all these fictitious resolutions.
Still to this day they're pretty funny.
And what they were doing they were clowning people making resolutions and failing every year.
So today New Year's resolutions are mostly a secular practice with people making promises to themselves for self-improvement.
So there you go that's where all this nonsense came from.
They never follow sir.
Yes. Well I said I joked around this year.
Okay because of the blizzard right off people have an excuse for not going to the gym now.
They go, oh man I had all this fucking snow I couldn't ever make it to the gym so that's why it failed.
I mean if I was doing that that's what I'd say.
Oh yeah I guess there was a lot of snow wasn't there.
Okay all right.
Okay let's take our first break and.
Okay okay.
And then yes I did find my nipple yank that flicked and has cheek bite.
I did have it done.
All right do you want to do that now or you want to do that when we come back.
No let's go to break.
Okay all right.
Two douchebags and a microphone.
The only podcast with gusto.
That's right.
Just like Schlitz Beer.
Google it.
A constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity.
Who could have been an extra in Chernobyl.
When taking a shower remember to scrub your asshole with soapy water.
Because nobody likes a stinky asshole.
Hey there fuck stick.
You're just in time for brand new feature news nobody gives a shit about.
A belly dancer in Spain.
A belly dancer for 48 hours beating the old world record by five hours.
Have you ever wondered where something came from.
Have you ever looked at something and said.
Hey I wonder what the origin of that is.
Well so have we.
That's why we gave you.
The origin of.
This is the origin of two douchebags and microphone.
It all started a couple years ago when Topher and I realized we could annoy people really easily at will.
We decided to take it a little further and start a podcast to try to annoy more people at a much larger level.
It worked so well we brought our annoying friend Rob in for the whole gig.
So now you have three horrible podcasts out of one horrible podcast.
You're welcome America.
Your mama's so fat when she went out to the pier people tried to board her.
Hey look I think we found land.
Oh my god I think we're safe.
Oh no it's the island of horrible jokes.
Elevator music is horrible on so many levels.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity.
You're as useful as a car light with a fence.
Two douchebags and a microphone.
I'm the Mark portion of this in the middle of a blizzard in mid-America.
And I am Rob and I'm in an ice storm in the other part of the middle of America.
Yeah he's about what how many 150 miles south maybe right.
Not even that.
120.
115.
Okay 150 miles to the south means the difference between a lot of ice and a lot of snow.
Right now we're working on probably our 15th inch of snow.
Yeah we have like a half inch ice.
But you said you guys are supposed to get some right.
Yeah we are.
Yeah I wouldn't doubt if you got five or six inches of snow at least.
Because a lot of this mess is headed that way.
A lot of it's going to St. Louis and Columbia.
A lot of it fragmented and went up north towards Chicago.
So it's a huge storm.
They named it.
What did they name it?
Oh I don't know.
I was watching football all afternoon on Paramount.
It was out of St. Louis.
So yeah I watched that.
They were way to big.
I didn't catch no names.
Okay yeah.
Oh well alright well we decided that we were going to.
Well actually you brought it up.
And I forgot all about it.
Yeah it's been a while man.
It's been a while.
It has.
And also I got a complaint too on the emails that we'll get to here in a little bit.
Oh yeah I'm on the emails.
Yeah there's a few of them.
There's a couple of them that people are threatening me.
And I'm just like whatever.
One guy is a guy down there in Clarksville.
Because I gave him the email that he sent.
Yeah you did.
Oh he's pissed.
And then the guy in Green Valley I believe or Oak Grove or something.
Yeah yeah Oak Grove yeah.
Yeah he wanted to smash me in the face with a microphone.
Yeah yeah that was Oak Grove.
Yeah.
Dude I will never get near you you dumb ass.
I don't care whether you like me or not.
You know what's funny is you're trying to antagonize me.
But I ended up antagonizing you.
Failure.
No the funny thing is between the two of us if anybody was to step up to anybody it would be me.
And they don't realize that.
I'm the smaller guy.
Anyway.
It's funny it's just it's just funny when you get a chance to antagonize them when they're trying to do that to you.
Yeah it's always fun.
Yeah anyhow I'm probably just going to be walking away.
But then they would not know that would they?
Rob you're absolutely right.
And here we are making fun of them.
We do.
All they can do is maybe come up with another podcast to make fun of us.
I don't know what else they could do.
But so anyhow.
It actually listened.
OK.
Oh grow maybe.
There's some money around.
Oh grow.
Yeah.
I mean.
Clarkville.
No Clarkville.
You're not going to have the money to start this.
Their Internet's too slow down there even anyhow.
So yeah that dial it will not support a podcast.
I'm sorry.
So Minespring does not support podcasts.
I'm sorry.
So anyhow Rob you want to go ahead with your.
Well let's explain it here real quick.
OK.
We came up with this one about a year and a half ago maybe.
Yeah.
It was about time I came on.
It's something we decided to do.
Yeah.
It was us.
Yeah.
It was us.
Yeah.
We both decided that this would be a funny thing to do.
And this is a playful Netflix to anybody you want.
Yeah.
It's not mean.
Not flicked to anybody that you want a nipple yank to anybody that you want and an ass cheek
bite to anybody that you want.
And they should be famous that way other people know who they are.
I can say guy down the road but people be like what.
So anyhow that's what this is.
These are famous people.
Yes.
Yeah.
Other than that you'd be like I don't know who these are.
I don't give a shit.
So anyhow.
So anyhow Rob do you want to start this off.
Yeah I will.
OK.
Am I flicking the nuts.
This is Joe Biden.
He wouldn't even know.
But go ahead.
The reason.
I don't think you'd feel it.
This is Gruul Cup.
I'm at the point where I don't give a fuck.
If you can't make fun of somebody then you know I don't know what you can do.
I'm getting tired of this bullshit of no.
Yeah.
Anyhow it's just fun.
So if anyone's offended.
This is just a fun because I don't think Joe Biden would actually feel it.
I agree with you man.
The guy is obviously diminished.
I don't care if you're a fan of him or not.
Nothing political.
No.
I don't think he would feel it.
I don't either.
I mean I think he'd be too busy trying to tell people to get off his lawn.
OK next up.
My nipple.
OK.
I'm going to go Jakey Lee.
That's a good one too.
Any reason.
He's got a shot.
He ain't going to feel the nipple.
No shit.
Four times was it or three?
I don't know.
Gosh.
Yeah.
He ain't going to feel the nipple.
I'll make it away.
No.
Jake.
Love you.
But you get a nipple.
I love you Jake.
But damn it.
You ain't going to feel your nipples getting yanked.
That's right.
OK.
And last up.
My ass cheek bite.
And you're going to love this one too.
OK.
Elton John.
I do love it.
Is there any certain reason or?
Didn't it just come out the way he went blind?
Too soon?
No.
Not too soon.
I read reports he is blind.
I knew he was having some health problems so you're probably right.
Yeah.
And his vision is part of it.
Man yeah.
You could go right with it.
Sorry Jason.
My ass cheek bite I'm going to pay someone to bite that guy's ass because I don't want
to get anywhere near it.
So that was a very good set up.
Go for it buddy.
Alright.
My first one.
And all these are for no apparent reason.
Just because I want to.
That's it.
Yeah.
The first one.
A nut flick goes to Danny Bonaduce.
Oh hell yeah.
Yes.
Yeah.
Danny on the Perthridge family.
I want to hear the reason but yeah.
Because he is a dork.
That's why.
Actually I think Danny Bonaduce can fit into either three of these.
Yes.
Yeah.
I think he gets a nut flick just because of his Bonaduceyness.
I think he'd get off on it.
He probably would.
Yeah.
He'd probably start masturbating and I would run off.
So yeah.
So anyhow.
Just because.
Just because he's Danny Bonaducey.
He gets a nut flick.
And I mean you can look at it.
I mean just look at his whole solid career.
He's looking my ass.
Yeah.
Just look him up.
Google it.
You'll be like oh yeah yeah.
He needs a nut flick.
So.
The next.
And Nipple Yank goes to Gary Busey because I want to see his reaction.
Oh my god.
Can you imagine.
Oh my god.
The buttered sausage made him react.
He got on there.
And you know he's a real Gary Busey.
What?
Yeah.
I was just going to say that to the first thing he would say.
Eat buttered sausage.
Yeah.
He'd get on there.
He did.
He'd go on there and go.
This is a real Gary Busey and whoever yanked my nipple.
Well I'm going to catch you.
I'm going to catch you.
I'm going to shove buttered sausage up your ass.
Because I'm from Texas.
We don't butter our sausage unless we shove it up someone's ass.
God love it.
God love him.
And finally.
The ass cheek bite but someone else has to do it.
I'm going to have to pay someone to do it.
And it's going to be hard to get to pay someone to do it.
I'm going to have to pay them a lot of money.
And I want an ass cheek bite to Elon Musk.
And that's because I don't believe he's human.
I don't believe he's human.
Look at him.
Dude.
I've been reading stories.
Yeah.
I almost brought.
No go ahead.
I'm going to dive into that one later.
No no no.
I'm not saying I don't like the guy or I like the guy.
I'm not promoting anything.
He just looks so different.
I want to see his reaction.
Well what I'm saying is things I've read off the internet.
OK.
I'm not reading nothing right now.
I'm just saying things I've been reading.
He claims to be an alien from the future.
Come back and is looking for his way home.
And if I could find that story I would go read it to you.
I can't find it right now.
So here's what I was reading.
And this guy's going to be the overlord of government spending.
I love it.
An alien.
Hey wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Come here.
How much are you paying for that slab of nails?
No no no no no no no.
You go back in that hardware store and you tell them you're going to pay 20 bucks and
no fucking more.
I love it.
I did the calculation in my far superior brain from far far away.
And you're overspending by about 50 percent.
So you go back in there and you tell them no.
It's going to be interesting to see how that whole thing shakes out.
So anyhow.
I'll go back and see if I can find that story.
I'll bring it up next time.
That sounds great.
I read an article where he says he's from the future.
As an alien trying to build his ship back home.
Wow.
Interesting.
Yeah.
Do you want to go into the story?
Oh wait.
Do you want to go into some emails?
No I want to hear the emails.
Then I got a story for the emails.
Okay that sounds good.
I'll take it in the toilet.
Okay.
And I just had.
Oh here it is.
Okay.
I thought I lost him.
I'm like what the hell.
I just had him immediately.
All right.
First one is.
Hey guys.
Why is it that you had several podcasts and now you seem to have one going on?
I like Mark and all but I prefer it to be at least two people.
Just curious.
Frankie.
Frankie thank you.
Okay Rob's back as you can see and Rob told you about his absence.
Topher's got some stuff going on and when he clears out I'm waiting for him to give me a call when his schedule clears.
Right.
We're going to start doing what we were doing.
We're going to join in to the sports bastards until the NFL season's over and then we're going to go into the music creeps.
So there you go.
Anyhow what Rob?
Yeah I was just saying.
Yeah we're around Christmas break and we all got a lot going on and.
Yeah.
Honestly all three of us it's health wise so.
Yeah.
Maybe not us but it's Rob the one.
Yeah I'm not going to go into Topher.
I'm just going to leave it at that.
I'm not going to go into his business or nothing.
If he wants to tell you that's fine whatever but he's busy right now but he'll be back.
Yeah.
And as soon as he gives me a call or text me or something and says hey I'm back then it'll be you know then he'll we'll be doing our thing again.
So.
OK.
Mark I started searching the Internet for old concert ticket stubs when you spoke about them.
I really found some good ones including the Ozark Music Festival.
I printed it out and it's on my wall as I write.
Tone and Gladstone.
Now I know Tone and Gladstone and he sent me a picture of it.
It is cooler than shit and he sent me the address of where to get it.
It's called Blackstone posters and etc.
So what you have to do is you have to go there and it's actually it's an actual poster that they sell.
So you have to go there and you have to save the image put it on your hard drive and then print it out because it won't let you print it out from the page because he's trying to sell these posters.
So that's how you have to do it.
So anyhow.
All right.
Next one. You'll like this one Rob.
Hey where the hell is Jeffy X.
I'm missing.
Bring him back.
Shelly in Rockport Virginia.
I've been thinking.
He's coming back.
We're trying to get situated into doing podcasts again.
Douchebags and all that.
So he's coming back.
We've had a lot of stuff happen.
Kind of threw us off.
So.
Well he did contact me and say he was starting to get into a little heat so he had to wait a little while.
Yeah I heard rumors about him going to Argentina for a face transplant because he's so.
Yeah.
So he may be back looking like someone else for all we know but he's going to be back.
Next one Rob.
Could you do more ramblings of a madman.
I love the Congress tap dancing one.
I just heard it the other day.
Ronnie and Tulsa.
There you go Tulsa King.
Tulsa King is your biggest fan.
Actually I'm actually in the worship.
A different some more promo.
There we go.
There we go Tulsa King.
You fucking got it.
Yeah.
And I just.
You got me Tulsa King.
I'd forgotten all about him Rob.
I'd forgotten all about him and I just happened to cross him.
I was deleting some stuff on all my catalog and all that.
And I'm like oh shit.
I forgot about these and I read the.
I heard it on the last one.
Yeah they're back.
I've got a few of them but we're going to have more of them.
So Ronnie just wait a little bit.
So all right.
Hey what happened to the Douchebag.net web page.
I thought you were going to have other podcasts on that platform including the interviews of paranormal experts.
John in Sacramento.
John you're obviously a fan and that was a long time ago.
OK.
That's not paranormal.
They're conspiracy theories.
Yeah conspiracy theories.
But I think I did at one point say maybe some paranormal stuff too.
I think I did say that at one point.
Well look everything's a work in progress.
We're doing this on no budget at all.
OK.
I still have the name to Douchebags and a microphone dot net.
I still have it.
I'm just waiting a little bit you know.
Because we can't do everything at once because we're working with limited funds.
So I mean I'd love to have these machines that the guys in radio do and be able to do all these different voices and put them all together like they do and the music and stuff.
But I don't.
I'm doing the best and Rob's doing the best with what we got which is primitive and not much money.
So you guys would not.
You guys can't imagine what I'm doing with.
The Duckwine Studio is getting better though and he is adding on.
Yes it is.
Yes I am.
So yeah never fear.
It's going to be expanding and we're going to be doing different stuff and all that.
And while we're doing this we're both getting better.
Right?
Yeah.
So one of these days we'll be better.
We're like everybody else.
We have trip ups in life.
Yes.
And I think that anyone stuck with us this long is a true fan.
So thank you John in Sacramento.
You must be that one hit I get from Sacramento every time.
And I think it's one.
I really do.
I think it's one person and it's got to be John.
Well thank you John.
Yeah thank you John.
I really love the sentiment there.
I love the fact that you remembered that and you want us to do it.
We are going to do it.
Just please give us a little time.
And that's all.
So alright.
That is the end of the emails.
Like I said the other ones I'm just not going to mention anymore.
Clarksville one and fucking Grover whatever.
Yeah.
I mean who cares.
Alright.
The guy that wanted to hit you up side there with the microphone.
Yeah.
Coincidentally he's the one all pissed off.
I love it.
Well evidently he's still listening.
Wow.
I should have thought that Rob.
You're the one who usually thinks of that.
Well like the guy that's fucking begging us about something and he's like 42 minutes in the podcast.
I'm like what?
You listen 42 minutes to something you don't like?
Like that does not make sense.
Like I'm flipping through the channels okay.
And let's say I don't like Hogan's Heroes.
I'm going to skip right by it.
I'm not going to watch 42 minutes and go I hate this.
Oh shit I hate this.
Oh this show is such bullshit.
I fucking you know.
You're not going to do that.
You're just going to skip by it.
So there's a little bit more to it than that I would say.
So anyhow Rob you got a story you want to go into.
Yeah I do and this is off the wall.
I had to come with an off the wall.
Well we are douchebags and that's what we do.
Okay the points about scratches on toilet seats manufactured by Japanese company Toto
led the firm to issue an unusual instruction to consumers.
Uh huh.
Don't wipe the seats with toilet paper.
Okay.
You got yeah I had to read through it.
Okay I still don't understand it but okay.
Do it.
A series of posts recently went viral on social media.
Complaining about recently installed Worshlet bidet toilets made by Toto quickly ending up
with scratch marks and discoloration on the plastic resin seats.
A company spokesperson explained the Worshlet seats are made of plastic resin for a reason.
Use the current resin considering its resistance to detergents and its ability to be molded
into complex shapes the spokesperson said.
The representative explained that repeatedly wiping the seats with toilet paper caused
tiny scratches that can expand over time and trap dirt.
Okay.
Wow.
Okay this story keeps going but I'm going to stop right there.
I mean come on if you could add detergents and everything else.
Uh huh.
Why is toilet paper the one scratching it?
Yeah.
Toilet paper is one of the softest things in the world.
Yeah.
You got me I don't know man that's.
Yeah but they blame it on toilet paper.
Okay.
Yeah I mean yeah it says you can add detergents and everything but toilet paper is what scratches it.
Yeah.
Okay.
I debunked that.
I debunked that story.
I think you're right Rob.
Okay.
You know that someone recently went back in time.
Actually a few people did.
Yes.
Okay.
It's possible like this right now maybe later who knows but a passenger plane took off from
Hong Kong on the first day of 2025 and landed at Los Angeles International Airport on New
Year's Eve 2024.
Pretty cool huh?
Yeah.
A Pacific flight 880 departed from Hong Kong International Airport just after midnight
local time.
The jet airliner made its way over the Pacific Ocean crossing the international dateline
and about halfway through the 12 hour trip the plane landed shortly before 8.30 p.m.
at LAX arriving about 20 minutes early.
And hey how that was interesting.
So someone did go back in time.
So let me put it like this now.
Anyone that knows Einstein and studied up on him knows that his theory of going time
traveling if you go counter clockwise of the earth against time a certain amount a certain
speed that you can actually go back in time this kind of shows it a little bit doesn't
it?
Just a little bit.
Yeah.
It's the one side of the world to the other.
Yeah this is a gimmick this was a gimmick thing but they really did they went back in
time because one side of the earth was definitely the time that it was and the other side of
the earth was definitely the time it was there.
Now I know time is a concept that we came up with but the earth was in different stages
from one to the other so therefore they really did kind of go back in time as in years like
from one year to another.
I know we all do that if we go to the west coast we go two hours back or whatever I know
that happens but this one actually went from the new year to the old year so I thought
that's pretty cool.
So let's go ahead and take our second break we'll come right back with some more stuff.
That sound good?
Sounds good.
Alrighty.
Next up.
Things Overheard in Hell.
It moves everybody, candy corn has had a bumper crop.
Everybody can have as much as I want.
Yay!
Harambe used to listen to our original show Two Dip Shits and Enchieq Radio Shack realistic
tape recorder.
Harambe does not listen to our original show Two Dip Shits and Enchieq Radio Shack realistic
tape recorder anymore.
You might ask why Harambe never listens to our original show Two Dip Shits and Enchieq
Radio Shack realistic tape recorder.
Well, it's because Harambe is dead.
Senselessly murdered because some idiot did not watch her child properly while looking
on her phone.
Sadly, Harambe does not listen to our original show Two Dip Shits and Enchieq Radio Shack
realistic tape recorder or any other show anymore.
Sorry Harambe.
Please remember to go to Cole's dressing room, wait five minutes and scream, Hey!
There's no toilet paper in here!
You watched the news.
It was grim.
Is an apocalypse inevitable?
We suggest you download all our podcasts beforehand and have multiple mobile chargers.
We have the post-apocalypse list.
Very important for survival is to know the predators in your area.
Study up on them and grab a few wildlife books to keep in your shelter.
Find information for ways to kill the animal if available and not damage the meat.
A crossbow is usually most effective.
Tools such as a duck call or a moose call can help when to seek out possible food to kill.
Search all uses for an animal after it is killed such as the pelt, the hooves or antlers
can make a handy weapon if needed.
Next time you take a dump, listen to two douchebags and a microphone.
It's been proven in laboratory rats to relax your anal canal.
Get in cover.
Tomorrow morning while grinding your coffee beans for your double mocha latte,
remember to not get your genitals caught in the grinder.
It really hurts.
Who can afford plastic surgery?
Stay safe everyone.
Next up, things overheard in hell.
One man gasing is in charge of human resources.
Two douchebags and microphone.
I'm Mark.
And I'm Rob.
Sorry, didn't mean to catch you off guard there.
Yes, it's still snowing.
You're alright.
Still snowing here, still a blizzard.
Probably about 15, maybe 16 inches of snow now.
Who knows when it's going to end.
Holy shit.
I'd like to state.
Well, give me a second and I'll work out a sign and see what we got.
Alright.
I'd like to state this while you're doing that.
The Chiefs found a way to eliminate Cincinnati Bengals without even playing them.
They let Denver beat them on their second and third string people today,
therefore knocking Cincinnati out of the playoffs.
So, there you go.
There was a lot that happened today in the air.
The grand daddies tonight.
Now we're up to about a half.
It's just now starting to cover all the grass.
That's all ice.
Well, good thing your work's postponed tomorrow then.
Yeah, yeah.
I've been off two and a half weeks.
We're supposed to go back tomorrow and it's driving me nuts.
I need to get back to work.
Dude, I know.
I don't need that much time away.
I would go nuts.
Like I said, the surprise one today got me.
So, there you go.
Maybe I need a fidget spinner.
Yeah, I don't know.
Why don't you go play your pinball game?
I wish I had a pinball game.
I thought you got one.
No, no, no, no.
I could not get the clearance on that.
It costs way too much.
I have my video games.
I have the stand-up video games.
Okay, your video games.
There you go.
I'll go play that.
I need to figure out the volume control.
Yeah, exactly.
I don't know what the fuck happened, but it's like...
Your wife would beat you.
Oh my gosh.
This thing is so loud it hurts your ears.
I don't know how to turn it down.
The guy that sold it to me, he's no longer there.
I looked on the internet.
The way it told me to turn the volume down doesn't work.
So, I don't know what the hell to do.
So, anyhow...
Something looked up right.
Maybe those gun musts.
Well, I think maybe...
Yeah, something looked up right.
It's defective now.
I've got to find someone who knows how to work on them or something, I guess.
But, anyhow...
So, I can't play that either now.
But, anyhow, you've got something you want to go into, Rob.
And, excuse me, my wife gave me some jalapeno poppers a little bit ago.
And I'm over here chowing on them right now.
So, if you hear some weird noises, that's me.
Chowing those things.
I'm jealous. I'm jealous.
I wish I could just hand them to you right now.
I would. They're fucking delicious.
So, anyhow...
Okay, Rob, we've turned to you.
You've got the next story.
Yeah, I did. Yeah, I did.
Okay.
And I'll give you a little time.
It's a little long one.
Okay.
Yolanda Saladar,
the banter manager,
pop sensation Selena Perez.
You know Selena that was...
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Huge.
As in Storm.
Yeah. Who gunned the singer down in 1995
after getting caught and messling with her companies,
has filed a petition for parole in Texas.
The now 64-year-old Saladar was president of Selena's band club
and the manager of her boutique line, Selena ETC,
when she shot her to death on March 31st, 1995.
And remember, Rob, real quick,
sorry for interrupting, but...
When they first announced her death in the shooting,
they said it was a deranged fan that did it.
And I think it actually took a couple of weeks for them to figure out
that it was actually one of the people that worked for her
that was ripping her off. But go ahead.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just watch the movie. They explain it.
So that's how I learned about all this,
was by watching a movie a few years ago.
That's too bad. She was a huge international star.
Yeah, she was.
Okay, the movie occurred in a days-annual hotel room in Corpus Christi
during a confrontation following discovery by Selena and her family
that Saladar was embezzling funds.
When Saladar pulled a.38 tourist model.85 revolver on her,
Selena fled the room but was shot in the back.
A 23-year-old star later died at a local hospital.
In just under three months, on March 25th, that day,
will arrive, according to the Texas Department of Criminal Justice,
online records.
Saladar is currently in the parole review process.
She is currently being held at the Patrick El O'Donnell Unit in Gatesville, Texas.
The parole process in the state of Texas takes six months
and involves an interview with the inmate,
as well as submitting letters of support and protest.
This is supplied by the institutional parole officer,
who submits a case summary to the board voting panel.
In Saladar's case, the panel will decide on parole at the end of March.
Saladar reportedly has no promises on the record
that will prevent the board from holding a hearing
to determine whether to release her.
So according to the board, she's up for it.
Okay? She's going up for it.
But here's a little bit more.
According to conversations with inmates in the board by the New York Post,
Saladar is a constant target among other inmates
and received death threats for her crime.
Saladar claimed during a prison interview for the Peacock documentary,
Selena and Yolanda, the secrets between them,
that she was convicted by public opinion even before my trial started.
Okay, that's how this article ends. Let's go from there.
What's your opinion?
Okay, the fact that there's two different stories floating around at first
concerned me about it because I remember when it first happened,
they said it was a deranged fan.
Then about a week later, if I remember correctly,
they said no, it was someone that was employed by her.
And then there's different stories to actually what happened,
where it happened, and actually what led to the confrontation.
She was shot in the back.
So my theory is, you shoot someone in the back when they're trying to get away,
then that's definitely murder.
Just by that one, that person murdered her.
And the law in Texas, she could have been capital punishment.
They still have that in Texas, right? She could have been put to death.
Actually, I think spending more time in prison is fine with me
because she was shot in the back,
and also there's all this shady stuff going on that I'm relatively sure happened, allegedly.
Anyhow, go ahead, Rob, what do you think?
Okay, well, I'm going to go off on review because I've read other reports about this.
Oh, no, go ahead, please.
Okay.
And what caught my attention is the inmates.
Okay.
I've read report after report that she gets...
They have to keep her and protect her custody.
Oh, the Pennsylvania fans?
Yeah, all the fans want to kill her.
Yeah, shit.
I mean, there is a reward on her head.
So that is why she actually, she was the one that pushed for her to get her out of it.
I could imagine that because...
Oh, go ahead.
But I've read also in some of these other articles I've read,
if she gets out, she's facing the same thing.
Yeah, you know what?
Yeah, there's going to be people on the streets that don't want to kill her.
I do believe that to be true because Selena was like a cult following, although she was huge.
Yeah, she was.
Although she was huge, people were just absolutely...
And really, she was such a good performer, so beautiful.
Yes.
She had a cult following, but for a reason.
Great singer, great personality.
So yes, I could see people being that serious about someone doing that to her
and getting revenge, if you will, about it.
I could see that happening.
So I think if the assailant feels like they need to get out that bad,
then maybe if they do get out, then they'll find out.
It's called fuck around and find out, right?
That's what it's called.
Right.
And is it primal justice, whatever you want to call it?
If that happens, it happens.
I think at the very least, that person's going to get a lot of ass whippings.
But when someone like that has already been to prison, let me tell you this.
Someone like that's already been to prison, and they're probably not afraid to go back.
That person better be a good aim at first.
Agreed?
Exactly.
Yeah.
So if you love Selena and you want to get revenge and that lady gets out that killed her,
then you better be a good shot, because I would be betting that she's packing
and ready to shoot because she'll just go back to prison.
So Rob, that was a great story.
Interesting.
I understand your thought on that, too.
I'm glad you brought that up, because that's extremely interesting.
And I think that that could happen.
I think that could happen because of how popular she was.
Like I said, I've read this.
That's just a story I've read.
I've read different stories about this.
And yeah, and I see it.
I mean, yeah, it doesn't matter whether she's in prison or out of prison.
There's going to be a target on her.
Yeah, I would agree, Rob.
So I agree.
And I think there's a little bit more to the story than we'll ever know also,
because of that first story that was floated out
and then it actually being something completely different
and it happened somewhere where they didn't say it happened at and all that stuff.
There's a little bit more to the story,
but the whole fact that she was shot in the back would indicate to me
that it was cold-blooded murder and that that person deserved what they got going to prison.
But at the same time, the woman that's all these years has been claiming
that she was going to pull a gun on herself.
But somehow it fired at Selena.
I don't know.
Okay.
I wasn't there.
I'm not an eyewitness.
I cannot honestly say.
You somehow, trying to shoot yourself, shot someone in the back?
Well, that was her plan.
She was going to shoot herself.
Yeah, she ended up shooting Selena in the back on the way out.
Still murder.
Yeah, still murder.
Behind the back.
Gotcha.
Behind the back is what gets me.
You shoot someone in the back when they're trying to get away,
then you get what you get, and that is prison time.
And probably if you get out, worse things.
Going completely different on this.
That was a little bit dark, but I'm glad you brought that up.
That was a good article.
Yeah.
And thank you.
Joke Kola.
Do you remember that?
Yes.
I think I know where you're going.
I read that.
Okay.
The soda brand that gained attention in the 1980s for offering all sugar and twice the
caffeine is headed back to stores in 2025.
This time it's promising more than twice the original caffeine content, which is lethal.
Man.
I mean, in my opinion, it's lethal.
Oh my gosh.
That stuff.
Yes.
Remember Nitro?
Yep.
Jolt was worse than Nitro.
In Nitro I used to call liquid meth.
Jolt was even worse.
Everybody called it that.
Oh my gosh.
Once marketed as an alternative to Coca-Cola and Pepsi, Joke Kola will now join the crowded
energy drink market with the likes of Red Bull, Monster, and Celsius.
It will be marketed as a nostalgic drink due to its past reputation, according to Red
Comm 1, the sports nutrition brand leading the relaunch of this.
There's a neat way to bring something back where it'll pay homage to what it once was,
yet we can do it in a very modern way, Ryan Monahan, chief marketing officer at Red Comm
1, told CNN.
Joke Kola will come in a 16 ounce cans and be priced at about $2.50 or $3, depending
on what store.
It will have 200 milligrams of caffeine, twice the regular amount.
The relaunch marks the third release in the United States for Joke Kola.
In 2009 the brand's company filed for bankruptcy protection.
Joke Kola would briefly resurface on shelves at Dollar General stores in 2017 before the
chain started in 2019.
I had no idea it was back.
I think it's a good idea because now energy drinks are in, and people like you and me
would remember that.
And naturally if it's decent and it gives you all that energy, you would probably gravitate
towards it and at least try it, if not drink it somewhat regularly.
That's my thought.
What do you think?
No, I totally agree, but they're warning you.
It's got like twice the caffeine of other energy drinks.
I don't want that.
I read that article.
Okay, okay.
Yeah, I don't want that myself, but man if you're looking for a person like that, then
go right on ahead.
To me that makes me jittery and light-headed and all the stuff you don't want.
So wow.
Anyhow, oh real quick, I want to go into this too.
I put it on the same page because it's related.
Coffee Mate releases new White Lotus inspired creamers ahead in season three of White Lotus.
A luxury resort in Thailand now has, and that's what White Lotus is, a luxury resort in Thailand
has flavor inspired Coffee Mate creamers.
So this cold winter with snow either forecasted or already falling, you can stay warm on your
couch and enjoy the creamers and dream of a nice vacay on the beach.
This one is Thai iced coffee flavor and then pina colada flavors.
So now you can dream of the tropics while tasting the flavors of the beach.
You know I can do that with French vanilla too, but anyhow, I might try them.
Who knows.
That's it of that.
I just wanted to cover that because it was really closely related.
Anyhow.
I read it too.
Go ahead Rob, you got something?
Yeah I do.
I got a new surgeon general warning for you.
Not quite yet, but it's probably coming up.
Okay.
Alcoholic beverages carry a prominent warning label about the link between alcohol and cancer.
Oh my God, I read this yesterday.
Go ahead.
Yeah.
Alcohol consumption is the third leading preventable cause of cancer in the U.S. after tobacco
and obesity.
Surgeon General Vivek Murthy said in a statement that most individuals are aware of the connection.
It can increase the risk for at least seven types of cancer.
Given the conclusive evidence on the cancer risk from alcohol consumption in the office
of the Surgeon General's responsibility to inform the American public of the best available
scientific evidence, the Surgeon General recommends an update to the Surgeon General's warning
label for alcohol.
There are about 100,000 alcohol related cancer cases and about 20,000 alcohol cancer related
deaths annually.
Let me warn, the cancer risk increases as alcohol consumption increases.
There is a great cancer risk yet only 45% of American adults are aware that consuming
alcohol increases the risk of developing cancer.
Oh man, that is shit.
I mean, yeah, it is different cancers and I am trying to…
Pancreatic is one of them I believe.
Liver and…
One of them is breast.
Yeah, I know breast cancer is one of them.
Yeah.
That was a different article I had and I am reading this one.
Okay.
Well, I mean, it does make sense.
I have known a lot of people that drink a good amount of alcohol that did develop cancer
and it seemed like an inordinate amount so I can actually believe that.
The thing that got me was on this report they said even mild drinkers or people that just
have a drink now and then could be affected by this.
It does not take a whole lot it sounds like on some people.
Yeah.
Well, of course the more you drink the more your risk is but they are acting like man,
you know, I put it like this.
Let us say someone has a cigarette a week or a cigarette every two weeks that could
give them cancer but this is like you can have a drink like once every two weeks or
three weeks and it can give you more of a chance of getting cancer than that cigarette
once a week is the way I read it.
And that is concerning because I think we all like to have a pop every now and then,
right?
Yeah.
But then again it is probably no different than all of the nitrates they put in our foods.
So you know.
Right.
Well, yeah this article here mainly pushes the breast cancer in women.
Okay, that is a different article.