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Jesus.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity.
May your spoon always slip and sink into your hot suit.
No bat light here.
These idiots just show up and hope for the best.
Oh Lord, that man just saw a puppy in half.
Hey there, don't worry, I have a clown nose.
Oh no, that drunk guy just hit my child.
It's okay, I have a clown nose.
Just put one on and you can do anything.
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Murder people in public?
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Hello everybody.
This is Two Deucebags and a Microphone minus a douchebag, but that's what you're going
to get until further notice.
This is not the sports bastards.
That will show up in the middle of the week and we give you our sports picks and we talk
and we make fun of shit and all different kinds of cool stuff.
So this isn't to think you're having a bad day department.
Listen to this.
A wah?
Hakamanda who is believed to be the world's longest serving death row inmate has been
acquitted 58 years after his arrest.
Per local reports, Hakamanda's death sentence was finalized in 1980 after he was found guilty
of murdering a family of four in 1968.
Hakamanda was granted a retrial in 2014 after years of prolonged legal proceedings.
It finally opened the door in 2023.
A man believed to be the world's longest serving death row inmate has been acquitted by a Japanese
court at the age of 88.
So 56 years after he's found guilty in 1968, saying that he killed a family of four two
years prior.
According to Japanese public broadcaster NHK, the court claimed that key evidence had been
fabricated by investigators.
Huh?
Sound familiar?
In his original trial, Hakamanda had continued to maintain his innocence after his death
sentence was finalized in 1980.
The outlets stated Hakamanda's retrial began October 23 before a total of 15 hearings took
place in NHK.
This is from People Magazine Online.
And yeah, like I said, you think you're having a bad day?
Just think Hakamanda.
I mean, you know, if you're Harambe, yeah, you had a bad day.
But Hakamanda, real bad day.
So there I was, pretty much MFing the Wheel of Fortune with Ryan Seacrest.
And it turns out he got the best ratings in five years.
And I said he wasn't that funny.
He's not nearly as funny as Pat Sajak or Witty, but he's funny enough to make the show entertaining
enough to where I think the show will be successful.
Pat Sajak is still around though.
He's going to be on hosting the Wheel of Fortune Celebrity Edition at night.
It begins October 6th and should run through the winter.
And it'll be the same format as it was before.
And it looks to me like they're grooming Maggie Sajak to maybe take Vanna's place when she
steps down.
Just a thought, because she's still around.
She's still on there.
She still does little snippets, I guess, you know, near the ocean or something and going,
yeah, in this beautiful Bahamas or whatever.
So I could see her becoming the next Vanna and Ryan Seacrest seems to be doing a good
job.
So I'm sorry I MF'd him.
So I think most of you know by now, Ozzy Osbourne has been inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall
of Fame 2024 edition.
Every year they nominate four or five people, I think it is, to be in the Rock and Roll
Hall of Fame.
Now Ozzy is already in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame with Black Sabbath.
He got in, I think, 16 years ago.
He had been in there for quite a while.
So anyhow, he got this award for a solo career.
And interesting enough, most people think in America Black Sabbath was bigger.
That's not true.
Ozzy morphed Black Sabbath in sales and attendance and everything in America.
Ozzy was much, much bigger, a greater audience in America than Sabbath had.
And Sabbath did pretty well.
So he deserves to be in there.
The only thing it gets me is, now I've seen pictures of him walking to the mailbox or
whatever and to me, you see that classic Parkinson's twitch.
It doesn't look good to me.
He looks horrible to me.
It doesn't look like he's able to do a whole lot.
But if he's going to perform at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, if he performs a couple
of songs, I'm going to be amazed.
I mean, I hope he does.
I hope I'm wrong on this.
I really want Ozzy to do a last show with Sabbath and I want him to go to Rock and Roll
Hall of Fame and I want to see him do a decent job.
It would be just so fitting to cap off his amazing career.
And not only that, but with all the Dave Grohl stuff about him cheating and getting caught
on his wife with a love child and all that.
I love what Ozzy did.
When he got caught cheating with that hairdresser or whatever, whoever it was allegedly and
all that stuff, he said, I'm a rock star.
That's what I'm supposed to do.
To me, that is it.
As soon as he said that, I was like, okay, you got us.
You won.
That's what you're supposed to do, Ozzy.
You won.
So anyhow, I love that.
Instead of going, oh man, I'm so sorry.
I lost my mind.
I don't know what I did.
You know, I had a moment of weakness.
He's just like, I'm a rock star.
That's what I'm supposed to do.
Now get the hell out of here before I kick you.
So anyhow, Bravo Ozzy.
I hope you have a great show.
I hope everything goes well.
I'm glad you finally made it into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame solo because you much
deserved it.
So, so there's a new disturbing trend in America.
Well, it might be the world.
I just know about America doing this.
And this is people that know that they're dying.
I mean, could be cancer, whatever.
Okay.
And they know they have a limited amount of time.
What they do is they want one epic last party before they go into the great beyond.
So there's like two companies that specialize in this and these are called death parties
and death parties are simply like they sound.
If someone knows they're going to die and it's coming up, I don't know, half year, three
weeks, six months, and they don't feel that bad and they're able to partake.
I mean, you know, if they're like riddled with cancer and chemo and they can't hardly
walk, then they probably don't want one of these.
But this is for people that are pretty healthy because I've noticed some people with different
types of cancer that was healthy till the end.
I mean, or looked healthy.
I mean, you know, they walked around, they acted good.
They didn't have much that much pain and it doesn't have to be cancer.
It could be whatever to where they're really spry and able to enjoy themselves.
Then they rent themselves a death party if they so wish.
And this is an epic party.
You call this place up and you give them probably half of your life savings that's supposed
to go to your children.
And you don't necessarily like little bastards anymore.
So you're like, all right, you know what?
Here's what I'm going to do.
I'm going to have a death party.
So you call it ACME death party.
Oh, no, not ACME.
That'll backfire.
Call up death party one.
Okay.
Death party outlet one and say, hey, I'm going to be off this world in about four weeks.
Could you come over, get me and four of my closest friends and make us have the time
of our life?
Sure.
They come over, they get you in a limo.
And after that, it's not real specific because I guess there's like a list and list of stuff
you can do.
Like I think one of them is like pike fishing on one of the great lakes.
Another one is scuba diving.
I mean, there's like bucket list stuff on there that you and your buddies can go do
with you before you end up in the dirt.
And you know what?
I said it's disturbing, but actually I don't think it's that disturbing.
I think this is kind of neat after I talked it over.
Hell, why not?
You know, like I said, I mean, let's say you don't, you know, you have some money for this
thing, how much it costs and you still have money to leave your children or you know what?
You want them to make their own way like you did, whatever.
Nope.
There you go.
Throw 10, 20 grand, whatever the hell it is and go have this death party before you
depart.
And I mean, think of all the great pictures and the stories.
There you are lying in your casket and go, man, this guy here, Jeffy, he's the coolest
motherfucker ever.
He took me and Billy and Johnny and Edward and took us all pike fishing.
And then we went and hunt down grizzlies, you know, all this stuff.
They could throw their pictures up and go, yeah, this is so and so, whoever the dead
man is.
Let's say the dead man's name is Willie.
This is Willie.
He caught a big pike.
This is Willie jumping in the ice water because he didn't give a shit.
This is Willie having the time of his life and for, I don't know, a day or whatever,
he got his mind off dying.
He was like, man, this is the best time ever.
And quite possibly after he got done with this, you may be like, you know what?
I did everything I wanted to do on this earth.
So let's go ahead.
You know, as soon as it gets me, it gets me.
I'm ready.
I'm happy.
I did everything I wanted.
So I actually think this death party thing is actually kind of cool when I was really
skeptical of it before.
So anyhow, interesting.
But what a brilliant concept, you know?
I mean, there are a lot of people dying in this world every day and a lot of them have
not fulfilled what they wanted to do on their bucket list or maybe they just want one big
party.
I don't know, you know, but this is one hell of a way to kick off this world and go into
the next.
And now from death parties into this.
This is very interesting.
Michael Imperiali, you know, Christopher on The Sopranos and many, many other other big
things was offered a mafia hitman lesson while working on The Sopranos.
The 50 year old Goodfellas actor, well, that's another one he is in, rose to global fame
by playing New Jersey gangster Christopher Moltisanti in all six series of HBO's pioneering
mafia drama that said he got the dramatic offer while having a meal with his co-star
Tony Cerrico, who played Polly, Polly Walnitz, 79, who was a real life.
You know what?
This article had to come out a little bit because a little bit back.
I apologize, but I never knew this.
If you know this, I'm sorry.
You know, I don't know, fast forward or something.
Tony Cerrico died, I think, last year.
So anyhow, who was a real life mobster before getting into acting?
Michael told the Daily Telegraph a man came to their table at the New York hot spot and
said he could show him the correct way to strangle a victim using piano wire.
The actor added about politely declining the offer.
I told him maybe after dessert might be a better time.
I like that.
That's good.
I didn't flat say no.
He said, wait till I have my cheesecake.
And then we could talk about piano wire and necks and depth and all that stuff.
When asked if he ever took the lesson, he said it remained unfulfilled, but it's easily
imagined.
Michael's mafia boss, Uncle Tony Soprano, played by the late James Gandolfini, is seen
strangling a snitch on the show with wire while Michael's character, Christopher, guns
down a series of victims during the series.
The Emmy winning actor, who is also the guitarist in the indie band Zopa, and a novelist, is
now narrating a three part sky documentary, American Godfathers, the five families about
the history of the mafia.
Oh, that's cool.
All right.
Michael, who researched the mob for his role in 1990 gangster classic Goodfellas, said
there's barely any links between his family and the mob, but said he still identifies
with the stories of the gangsters.
Okay.
He added, I don't have a lot of first hand experience in my family, but the Godfather
to some degree was a somewhat romanticized version of these stories.
I would agree with that.
He added, I don't have a lot of first hand experience.
People really felt that Don Corleone, sorry, I don't know why I can't say that, who broke
to law was a criminal and a murderer.
That was, that there was some kind of a moral code and honor to his character.
And I agree with Michael Imperioli, you know, it did, it did, you know, romanticize the
whole thing.
It made it seem like that was the cool thing to do.
It made it seem like they all got rewarded, but if you think about it, most of them ended
up dead or something or in prison.
So was it really that good of a thing that they did this?
Would it be a good thing if they did that to your family?
Would it be a good thing if they did it to anybody?
So you know what, interesting stuff, that's for sure.
And if you're a mafia person, you're listening to me, you guys are awesome.
So I'm sick and tired of thieves.
Thieves are all over where I live.
Stealing stuff, destroying stuff, just being complete fucking asshole, douchebag, lowlife,
dregs of society.
And I'm tired of it.
So besides our ring doorbells on every corner of the house, imagine I went and I got some
tree cameras too, because hopefully, you know, we can catch some of these fucks doing stupid
shit and maybe possibly, possibly maybe make a little slowdown in crime.
Not like anybody around the city that's higher up really seems to give one ounce of shit.
So anyhow, I installed this camera and I turn it the right way.
And there's one thing I forgot, because it took a long time where I had to do it.
I had to nudge it in and then take out a couple of pieces of wood from the railing and put
them back in.
So it took me about 40 minutes to take that wood railing out because I had to take it
all the way down, take out the bars in the middle, and then put that camera inside to
where it would let.
It's kind of hard to describe, but let's just say it was a lot of work to put this camera
in the place I needed to.
I put it in there, I set it up and it's fine.
And I'm like, wow, cool.
Great view of the road, great view of the front lawn there, all this fantastic.
So I go to work.
I'm like, hey, let's check out my new camera.
The damn thing, it turns halfway and I had it in the wrong way.
Now it turns around and faces the wall.
So I'm going to have to get out there and tear the whole damn thing apart and figure
out which way it turns because it's a motion camera.
And it's supposed to turn, I don't know, 45.
And then the other camera on the other side that I'm going to put in Tuesday or Wednesday
goes 45.
They kind of meet in the middle, got the whole front yard and all that covered.
But no, no, no.
My stupid ass refuses to read the directions and thought he was all smart getting this
thing going, oh man, I took all that off.
I got it in.
Fantastic, man.
Mark, you the man.
Well, I guess I'm not the man because I screwed that up royally and wasted a lot of time.
So if you wonder what I'm going to be doing Tuesday, besides me and Topher doing the sports
bastards, that's what I'm going to be doing for a long time.
Next up, Things Overheard in Hell.
Dishwater has the top 10 spots on Billboard Hot 100.
Yo mama's so old, she was a waitress at the Last Supper.
Oh shit, what's that over there?
Oh no, it's an island of horrible jokes.
I can't take my dog to the lake.
The ducks keep attacking him.
That's what I get for having a purebred dog.
Now it's time for Pick Up Lines from a Loser.
Are you an appendix?
I don't know who you are or what you do, but I feel like I should take you out.
You ever have a plane be delayed?
Especially when you're already on the plane.
In Dallas one time I was coming back to Kansas City and because there was baseball size hail
and 80 mile an hour winds in the area, they already loaded us.
But for safety reasons, whatever that is, I've never figured that shit out.
Why safety reasons?
I mean you're in a plane, wouldn't you be safer inside the airport?
But anyhow, for safety reasons they couldn't let us go back in the airport, so we had to
wait it out.
I waited four hours on the tarmac with everybody else, we were pissed, everybody was unhappy.
My ride at the airport had to go home and come back.
I mean it was a real pain in the ass.
None of the storms hit the DFW, but it was precautionary.
So anyhow, I've been on that and then I was delayed four or five hours in LaGuardia.
This is through work so it wasn't quite as bad, but the plane was coming back from New
Orleans and they discovered some sort of a rattle or something and they were not happy
or comfortable putting that plane back into circulation, so they nixed that flight and
had to get a new plane, which I didn't mind.
And besides that I was drinking beer all night on the company's tab, so that worked out well
too.
And so finally, I'm knee deep in beers and then finally I hear over the intercom, hey
the plane's on its way, it's almost here and I'm like oh man I got sober up now.
So anyhow, I did have a ride home, but still, from my ride home I had to drive home from
there.
So anyhow.
Okay, a United Airlines pilot took matters into her own hand to please a plane full of
worn out passengers.
The flight was a nonstop from San Francisco to Houston.
About an hour and a half into the flight an attendant on the intercom asked for any medical
professional to please stand up.
This was a man that collapsed in the restroom.
A person jumped up and attended to the passenger in the bathroom.
The plane then had to make an emergency landing in Albuquerque International Airport.
The worn out passengers all received a $15 food voucher, but the problem was all the
food hubs were closed at the airport because this whole procedure to help save this man
took so long.
Like I said, like I described earlier, once you're on a plane, it's really hard to get
off the plane until you reach your final destination.
So they had to sit in there while they figured all this stuff out and get the man medical
help and all that.
So what the pilot did, the pilot was vigilant and figured out how to order pizza for everyone
on the plane and the pizza arrived there.
I mean, they're in the secure, they're in the secure spot because that's where all planes
land.
So I don't know, they had to send a guard out in between, you know, secure and non-secure
and bring back the pizzas.
It did not describe it.
And I cannot find the woman's name, the passenger, the pilot that did this.
It was a really great idea, really quick on the spot idea.
If you're interested in her name, you can look it up pretty easily, I'm sure.
So in Hong Kong, while we're talking about food, a 36 year old coffin of a young woman
was excavated in Northwest China two decades ago.
Archaeologists discovered a mysterious substance laid out along her neck like a piece of jewelry.
It was made of a piece of cheese and scientists now say it's the oldest cheese ever found.
Regular cheese is soft.
This is not.
It is how it become really dry and hard dust said Fu Kiwami, a paleontologist at the Chinese
Academy of Sciences in Beijing and the co-author of a study published Tuesday in the journal
Cell.
So there you go.
Now you need some really old wine to go with that really old cheese, right?
Maybe not.
All right, one of the Oscar Meyer hot dog shaped Wienermobiles ended up flipped onto
its side after crashing at a suburban Chicago highway.
Police said this is a new one.
Two of them crashed all around Chicago and I don't know what.
Well maybe they have bad drivers.
I don't know.
The Wienermobile hit a car Monday morning along Interstate 294 and its driver lost control
and overcorrected causing it to roll onto its side near the Chicago suburb of Oakbrook,
Illinois.
Police said no injuries were reported after the crash, which prompted the closure of the
right lane of northbound I-294 for more than an hour.
Officials said, well, that would suck.
A spokesperson for Oscar Meyer Brand said nobody was hurt and he's grateful of that.
And they they're going to refrain from statement to find out exactly what happened.
They wish everybody involved and all the people waiting good fortune or whatever.
You know, hey, sorry, guys.
Here's a pat on the ass.
Whatever.
Something like that.
Now I'm going to bring this up with Topher for a subject on our two bastards, you know,
podcast that we have the sports bastards, not two bastards, the sports bastards podcast
we have coming up Tuesday, probably.
And this is interesting because to me, the 49ers do not look the same, not just injuries,
but just how they're playing.
It seems like there might be some internal strife possibly in there.
And that also comes from losing two Super Bowls to the same team, I'm sure cannot be
good for your psyche.
I'm not making fun of them.
Not making fun of them.
What I'm saying is that can seep into your head thought really easily.
So the Los Angeles Rams week three win over the San Francisco 49ers has come at a cost.
The organization has been fined $100,000 after 49ers whiteout Brandon Iook was shoved on
the Rams sideline on the final play of Los Angeles 27-24 win.
Specifically cornerback Darian Kendrick and safety Carmen Kitchens were fined for their
roles in the scuffle.
The Rams 49ers rivalry has intensified since the Rams moved from St. Louis to Los Angeles
back in 2016.
The rivalry reached a new level in 2021 when the Rams edged the visiting 49ers in that
year's NFC Championship game.
This is the second time in as many days that Iook has found himself in the middle of a
new story.
On Friday a video went out of Iook throwing a tantrum at practice after 49ers head coach
Kyle Shanahan asked him to change to the proper shorts.
Iook who recently signed a $120 million extension has had a rough start to the 2024 season.
His level of conditioning has been in question after he held out during the entirety of the
training camp.
And here's what I say right here.
I think the 49ers missed their opportunity to trade this guy.
They just gave him a huge contract and all teams are going to look at this as a red herring.
They're going to be like, I don't know man, this guy's been a troublemaker.
He sat out the whole preseason to get more money.
He wasn't in good shape.
He's causing shit.
He's a distraction in the locker room.
I think they should have tried to get rid of him when the going was good, when the word
wasn't out about this guy.
And to give him that large of a contract when he has this questionable behavior, I find
questionable with the front office there.
So I don't know.
You all can read into this, whatever you want, but I think it is a red flag for definitely
for sure.
And on another note, I'm not very far off from taking guests on here.
You know, you can shoot me an email or if you're on my Facebook account or Instagram
account, shoot me an email, you know, not an email, but shoot me a message and say you
want to call in.
I will give you a number to call in and we can chit chat on this here program here, this
here podcast.
And I'd love to hear from you guys.
So when you hear this, write it down.
And I usually broadcast Tuesdays, Tuesday evening, some Wednesday evening at about seven
o'clock central time.
So but you can always just send me a message.
And if I'm not doing any podcasts at night, I'll let you know and I'll let you know the
night I plan on doing a podcast and we can get together like that.
So it's not a big deal.
And also, if you want to do it like this, it's stouchb66 at yahoo.com.
I'm still trying to get my email figured out.
The whole thing crashed on me and there's I took and I reloaded the app again.
And now the app will not recognize my password that I had.
I have it written down here when I took it off.
So and maybe someone can email me and tell me what I'm doing wrong with this Yahoo mail
because it's pissed me off so bad.
I'm about ready to grab another email and just say screw it.
And then everyone else can learn the new email and hopefully it will work better than Yahoo.
You know, and maybe it could possibly be like this.
Maybe I'm a fool.
Maybe you buy the upgraded service from that or whoever Gmail or I think all of them have
an upgraded service.
If I buy the upgraded service, it might solve all the problems.
And that's exactly, you know, what they want you to do is to buy the updated service.
So it may be a, it may be a scenario like that.
I have no idea, but all I know is it's still not working well.
But you know, send me an email if you want to get on this program and I will do if I
get it.
I'll let you know when I'm done it.
I'll send you an email back saying, Hey, I'm getting ready to go on the podcast.
Call me at this number.
So there you go.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien.
It's a real hilarity.
Hey, you forever feel your cell phone vibrating in the pocket.
It's not even in.
Two douchebags in a microphone invade your ear holes in.
Hey, who took a dump in the cooler?
Jam X. What the hell happened?
You were the generation of change.
You never wanted to be one of them at the spoke for you.
Fuck the man.
Fuck the system.
What the hell happened?
The generation of angst, the generation of noncompliance is now buying a boat.
You're really fed up until someone dangled a dollar near you.
Great job, Xers.
Everything's ruined.
You ever have a plane be delayed, especially when you're already on the plane in Dallas one time.
I was coming back to Kansas City and because there was baseball size hail and 80 mile an hour winds in the area,
they already loaded us.
But for safety reasons, whatever that is, I've never figured that shit out.
Why safety reasons?
I mean, you're in a plane.
Wouldn't you be safer inside the airport?
But anyhow, for safety reasons, they couldn't let us go back in the airport.
So we had to wait it out.
I waited four hours on the tarmac with everybody else who were pissed.
Everybody was unhappy.
My ride at the airport had to go home and come back.
I mean, it's a real pain in the ass.
And none of the storms hit the DFW, but it was precautionary.
So anyhow, I've been on that and then I was delayed four or five hours in LaGuardia.
And this is to work.
So it wasn't quite as bad.
But the plane was coming back from New Orleans and they discovered some sort of a rattle or something.
And they were not happy or comfortable putting that plane back into circulation.
So they nixed that flight and had to get a new plane, which I didn't mind.
I was drinking beer all night on the company's tab, so that worked out well, too.
And so finally, I'm knee deep in beers.
And then finally, I hear over the intercom, hey, the plane's on its way.
It's almost here.
And I'm like, oh, man, I got sober up now.
And anyhow, so I did have a ride home, but still, you know, from my ride home, I had to drive home from there.
So anyhow, OK.
A United Airlines pilot took matters into her own hand, actually, to please a plane full of worn out passengers.
The flight was a nonstop from San Francisco to Houston.
About an hour and a half into the flight, an attendant on the intercom asked for any medical professional to please stand up.
This was a man that collapsed in the restroom.
A person jumped up and attended to the passenger in the bathroom.
The plane then had to make an emergency landing in Albuquerque International Airport.
The worn out passengers all received a $15 food voucher.
But the problem was all the food hubs were closed at the airport because this whole procedure to help save this man took so long.
Like I said, like I described earlier, once you're on a plane, it's really hard to get off the plane until you reach your final destination.
So, you know, they had to sit in there while they figured all this stuff out and get the man medical help and all that.
So so what the pilot did, the pilot is vigilant and figured out how to order pizza for everyone on the plane.
And the pizza arrived there. I mean, they're in the secure they're in the secure spot because that's where all planes land.
So I don't know, they had to send a guard out in between, you know, secure and non-secure and bring back the pizzas.
It did not describe it. And I cannot find the woman's name.
The passing the pilot that did this. It was a really great idea, really quick on the spot idea.
If you're interested in her name, you can look it up pretty easily. I'm sure.
So so in Hong Kong, while we're talking about food, a 36 year old coffin of a young woman was excavated in Northwest China two decades ago.
Archaeologists discovered a mysterious substance laid out along her neck like a piece of jewelry.
It was made of a piece of cheese. And scientists now say it's the oldest cheese ever found.
Regular cheese is soft. This is not.
It is how become really dry and hard dust said Fu Kiwami, a paleontologist at the Chinese Academy of Sciences in Beijing and the co-author of a study published Tuesday in the journal cell.
So there you go. Now you need some really old wine to go with that really old cheese, right?
Maybe not.
All right. One of the Oscar Meyer hot dog shaped winter reveals ended up flipped onto its side after crashing at a suburban Chicago Highway.
Police said this is a new one to him crashed all around Chicago. And I don't know what.
Well, maybe they have bad drivers. I don't know.
The winter mobile hit a car Monday morning along Interstate 294 and its driver lost control and overcorrected, causing it to roll onto its side near the Chicago suburb of Oakbrook, Illinois.
State police said no injuries were reported after the crash, which prompted the closure of the right lane of northbound I-294 for more than an hour.
Officials said, well, that would suck.
A spokesperson for Oscar Meyer Brand said nobody was hurt and he's grateful of that.
And they they're going to refrain from statement to find out exactly what happened and they wish everybody involved and all the people waiting.
Good fortune or whatever. You know, hey, sorry, guys.
Here's a pat on the ass. Whatever. Something like that.
Now, I'm going to bring this up with Topher for a subject on our two bastards.
You know, podcasts that we have the sports bastards, not two bastards, the sports bastards podcasts we have coming up Tuesday, probably.
And this is interesting because to me, the 49ers do not look the same, not just injuries, but just how they're playing.
It seems like there might be some internal strife possibly in there.
And that also comes from losing two Super Bowls to the same team. I'm sure cannot be good for your psyche.
I'm not making fun of them, not making fun of them. What I'm saying is that can seep into your head thought really easily.
So the Los Angeles Rams week three win over the San Francisco 49ers has come at a cost.
The organized the organization has been fined one hundred thousand dollars after 49ers whiteout Brandon Iook was shoved on the Rams sideline
on the final play of Los Angeles twenty seven twenty four win specifically cornerback Darien Kendrick and safety Carmen Kitchens were fined for their roles in the scuffle.
The Rams 49ers rivalry has intensified since the Rams moved from St. Louis to Los Angeles back in 2016.
The rivalry reached a new level in 2021 when the Rams edged the visiting 49ers in that year's NFC Championship game.
I think we all remember that this is the second time as many days at Iook has found himself in the middle of a new story on Friday.
A video went out of Iook throwing a tantrum at practice after 49ers head coach Kyle Shanahan asked him to change to the proper shorts.
Iook who recently signed one hundred twenty million dollar extension has had a rough start to the twenty twenty four season.
His level of conditioning has been in question after he held out during the entirety of the training camp.
And here's what I say right here. I think the 49ers missed their opportunity to trade this guy.
They just gave him a huge contract and all teams are going to look at this as a red herring.
They're going to be like I don't know man. This guy's been a troublemaker. He sat out the whole preseason to get more money.
He wasn't in good shape. He's causing shit. He's a distraction in the locker room.
I think I think they should have tried to get rid of him when when the going was good when the word wasn't out about this guy.
And to give him that large of a contract when he has this questionable behavior I find questionable with the front office there.
So I don't know. You all can read into this whatever you want.
But I think it is a red flag for definitely for sure.
And on another note I'm not very far off from taking guests on here.
You know you can shoot me an email or if you're on my Facebook account or Instagram account shoot me an email.
You know not an email but shoot me a message and say you want to call in.
I will give you a number to call in and we can chit chat on this here program here this here podcast.
And I'd love to hear from you guys. So when you hear this write it down.
And I usually broadcast Tuesdays Tuesday evening some Wednesday evening at about seven o'clock Central Time.
So but you can always just send me a message.
And if I'm not doing any podcasts at night I'll let you know and I'll let you know the night I plan on doing a podcast and we can get together like that.
So it's not a big deal. And also if you want to do it like this is stouchb66 at Yahoo dot com.
I'm still trying to get my email figured out. The whole thing crashed on me and there's I took and I reloaded the app again.
And now the app will not recognize my password that I had.
I have it written down here when I took it off.
So and maybe someone can email me and tell me what I'm doing wrong with this Yahoo mail because it's pissed me off so bad.
I'm about ready to grab another email and just say screw it.
And then everyone else can learn the new email and hopefully it will work better than Yahoo.
You know and maybe it could possibly be like this. Maybe I'm a fool.
Maybe you buy the upgraded service from that or whoever Gmail or I think all of them have an upgraded service.
If I buy the upgraded service it might solve all the problems.
And that's exactly you know what they want you to do is to buy the updated service.
So it may be a it may be a scenario like that. I have no idea.
But all I know is it's still not working well.
But you know send me an email if you want to get on this program and I will do if I get it.
I'll let you know when I'm done it. I'll send you an email back said I'm getting ready to go on the podcast.
Call me at this number. So there you go.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper. It's strange insults from an alien. Real hilarity.
You're as useful as a pilot with balls.
The apocalypse just happened. You don't know what to do. You don't know where to go.
But we can tell you what you can eat.
Hi all. This is Mark here.
I'm usually the one telling you what to eat during an apocalypse.
Well this time I decided to go the other way.
You ever consider just going to Ground Zero and saying fuck it.
Do you really want to be the guy running around looking for radioactive deer.
Guessing whether water is not contaminated or not. No food no shelter no nothing.
Oh no there's a strong argument that says you know what.
Let's just go to Ground Zero and see what's for us after.
Just a thought.
As much fun as an electric can opener to the scrotum. Two douche bags and a microphone.
Two douche bags and a microphone in an effort to keep everything fresh.
We offer you first world problems.
Oh shit. Look at that drive thru wine.
Surely you wouldn't expect me to actually have to go in.
This sucks.
Two douche bags and a microphone. Hi Mark.
Alright we're going to start off. Gen Z starts sleep maxing trend in a bid for better shut eye.
Here's what it is and how it works.
In a bid for better shut eye desperate youngsters are spearheading a new trend to maximize their sleep.
According to a Gallup poll published earlier this year only a quarter of Americans are getting the recommended 8 hours of rest per night.
Now I don't know I operate better with 6 and a half 7 hour sleep.
Seems like whenever I get 8 hour sleep I wake up more tired and sluggish and oh no.
That's just me. Maybe everybody else is different.
So anyhow me I don't know. It seems to me like I prefer 7 hour sleep.
But who knows maybe that's just me thinking that.
So anyhow now zoomers have invented sleep maxing.
And it's sweeping of course. Tick tock.
The trend sees youngsters try an array of unusual hacks for longer and better quality sleep.
Such as chugging sleepy girl mocktails or taping their mouths shut to avoid snoring.
I'm sorry I can't help but cut it.
That's ridiculous.
Anyhow in my day to day work the trend of sleep maxing is actually causing most people who try it to sleep worse.
James Wilson known as the sleep geek.
I guess that's probably on tick tock too.
At Mattress Online told Daily Mail according to the fad could turn cause orthosomnia I think it is.
An obsession with getting the perfect sleep.
So orthosomnia is an obsession with getting the perfect sleep.
Ok just get some flex rolls. There you go.
Get some flex rolls you'll find the perfect sleep.
Of course this is not useful when we are stressed and anxious we sleep worse.
True that. Wilson is not a fan of mouth taping.
Despite users swearing up and down that it makes them all feel better rested.
That's gotta be a mental thing cause I...anyhow.
There is no proof to practice improved sleep and it masks the main symptoms of a serious sleep disorder called sleep apnea he warned.
Yeah tape your mouth shut with sleep apnea and you don't really have another way to breathe.
Sounds kinda bad to me while you are asleep.
Nasal breathing is good for our well being and the best way to do it more at night is to consciously practice do it during the day.
Ok so I guess that means breathe in breathe out type of thing.
Meanwhile others swear by this sleepy girl mocktail a bedtime beverage of sets of water, tart, cherry juice and magnesium powder that users insist provides the best sleep of their lives.
Well experts have lauded the concoction as a great way to get magnesium into the diet and suspect it could help people feel more relaxed.
Nutritionist Toby King told Daily Mail that people should be wary of how much of the mineral they consume.
As high doses of magnesium can have an adverse reaction in the gut and make the muscles feel too relaxed.
Or not just feel but actually right here it says feel or be too relaxed.
So both of them.
But Wilson added that the drink is unlikely to help significantly and is probably a placebo.
He isn't so convinced that the sleep max and methods widespread on TikTok are of any benefit to all of those desperate for more sleep.
So I mean I read this thing called the complete I think it's called like the sleep bible or something like that.
And anyhow I found that at my old job whenever I was in town I had to be up at 3.30 be at work at 5 a.m.
And I started going by these practices it's called sleep hygiene.
And that's where you go to bed at the same time every night.
You have an hour of calm and quiet ahead of that.
You don't drink anything you don't eat anything an hour before.
They will prefer it be longer than that but at least an hour before you go to bed.
And also they suggest like maybe some of the same type of music.
Softer music or whatever before you go to bed.
And this seemed to work pretty well.
And since I have tinnitus I got to have a fan on.
So you know I had the same rhythm going every night and it helped quite a bit.
But my biggest issue was during the summer whenever you wake up that early like I used to.
At 8.30 at night I'd have to go to bed and the sun is blazing out there still in July and August.
And that's just when people are getting off work and going hey come on over and get a beer.
And I'm like I can't.
Well why not I got to go to sleep.
What do you mean you got to go to sleep.
I'd be up working five in the morning this means I'll wake up at 3.30 so I got to go to sleep.
So anyhow I think sleep hygiene would probably work better than this.
But this is TikTok and this is to me the world I make believe.
Oh I left off the most important.
A shower before an hour before the same soft music.
And before you go to bed.
And the same noises whether it be white noises fan like me or whatever.
So anyhow if anyone's interested in that instead of this goofy shit that they are throwing up on TikTok.
Look it up. I think it's called the complete sleep Bible or something like that.
You can get it online I think for free now.
That's one of them or you can look up sleep hygiene.
And that would be a good one too because it's all under the umbrella of sleep hygiene is what they call it.
So anyhow there you go.
So we are in October now.
Which means we are getting dangerously close to Halloween.
So again TikTok is offering a new thing.
Nope it's not the sleepy girl cocktail or whatever.
This is the Michael Meyer challenge.
Yeah as in Halloween the movie.
Michael Myers the guy with the white face mask that goes around hacking people.
Him.
So what they do is you are running from Michael Myers.
You are a guy with a white mask and you have a set of keys in your hands.
And there is this cabin.
And your job is to not only run from him but open up the cabin door and get in before he kills you.
As silly as this sounds I think it sounds fun.
I think it would be really fun.
Get like 20 people and have them all do the Michael Meyer challenge.
And I don't know record it.
I mean put it on YouTube or just laugh.
I mean see other people trying to do it.
See people fall down.
And also when you are doing this the adrenaline has to be pumping.
I mean you may know it's fake but you still kind of get some of the sensations of as if it was real.
You know so your heart is pounding.
You are freaking out.
You try to open up the door and you are shaking and discombobulated.
I mean you know.
So I think that's pretty cool.
And when I get a chance.
Whatever that is.
I want to look this up online and watch some of the ones in the past.
I think this will be a lot of fun to watch.
So anyhow.
Oh and on another note don't forget to listen to the Sports Bastards.
The Sports Bastard is Topher and I the two original douchebags.
We are doing an NFL show.
And it turns out to be two shows a week.
This week we went a little overboard and the first show is two and a half hours.
And the second one is one in 45 minutes.
One hour and 45 minutes.
And anyhow I just witnessed Kirk Cousins beat Tampa Bay in overtime.
He had 506 yards and four touchdown passes.
No interceptions.
I just cannot believe that guy put in the right system.
Like he is and he has some weapons and he has offensive line.
That guy looks incredible.
I mean he really.
He's always been a good quarterback.
But coming off the torn ACL.
And he's what like 37, 38.
He looks better than he ever did.
Today's ACL injuries must not be nearly.
Nearly what old ACL injuries were.
It used to be like you can count them out for a year and a half at least.
And hopefully they come back if they're you know in their latter years of football playing.
Hopefully they can come back.
But there's no guarantee that they can come back fully.
So it looks to me I mean him and Aaron Rodgers looks fine.
They had to have come a long ways on this type of surgery.
It's just like in baseball Tommy John surgery.
Tommy John surgery used to be the kiss of death.
It is not anymore.
Tommy John surgery just takes a little bit of time to get over.
And normally pitchers come back and sometimes they even pitch.
At a faster rate of speed after the Tommy John surgery.
So and you don't necessarily have to throw fast.
I mean like Madison Baumgartner.
He didn't throw fast but he had a change up that would just fool you and make you look silly.
I mean you throw your timing off.
You swing that damn thing three times before it hit the plate.
So anyhow I would also like to say congratulations to the Royals who wrapped up the wild card division three game.
The wild card against the Baltimore Orioles.
Baltimore must be sick of Kansas City.
Because back in 2015 we beat them in a seven game series to go on to the championship.
The AL championship round.
And and then we beat the Ravens the Baltimore Ravens last year in the championship game to go on to the Super Bowl.
And then now just yesterday we beat them two games to none to capture the wild card.
And go on to the divisional series.
But Royals great job.
Their pitching looks really good.
They're solid pitching Cole Regans is he looks like a superstar.
Seth Lugo is solid.
Watcha is good.
I mean they got some bullpen guys.
I mean I kind of didn't give them enough credit.
I was like you know what I just want to get experience this year that's it.
They may have somewhat of a shot at this.
I mean you get good pitching in that.
You know we got Pasquendino back in the lineup.
He's going to help a lot Vinny Pasquendino.
And you know with Witt and Perez that's a pretty solid two three four punch.
So it's going to look pretty good or probably three four five punch.
I forgot where they are in the lineup.
But anyhow it's going to I mean I hope we at least put up a fight if not win against the big bad Yankees.
This also instills people that are a little bit older like me in the mid 50s or so.
It makes them remember the lineup when we were youngsters.
And they used to the Royals and the Yankees used to battle it out every year.
They beat us most years and we went home and they went on to the World Series.
You know with people like Thurman Munston Reggie Jackson Goose Gossage until I believe it was.
Yeah it was 1980 and George Brett hit a monster three run home run.
I believe it was the eighth inning.
And it was like nothing nothing or something like that or they're leading one to nothing.
I forgot is you know it was from 1980.
George Brett hit that ball so hard and the ball was coming in so fast.
Goose Gossage could throw a hundred easily if not more.
He just whizzed those balls in and George Brett hit it so hard.
It was still rising when it hit the third deck at Yankee Stadium.
Then we went on to World Series and we lost to Philly.
But we since got Philly back with the Super Bowl two years ago.
So anyhow they they're avenged.
We lost to San Francisco in 2014 and they have been avenged two times by the Chiefs.
So anyhow congratulations to Royals.
Keep doing the great work.
We love you here in Kansas City.
We support you.
Hope you get a new stadium and it will probably be in Johnson County because Kansas City simply has to.
They have bigger fish to fry like crime.
We don't have we don't have the funds.
They they already just kill us on taxes and they need to allocate this money instead of to bullshit to actually fighting crime.
So anyhow that's enough of that.
This is a political show.
I'm not even sure of his dick jokes anymore.
I don't even know what the hell it is.
Anyhow this is two douchebags minus one of them.
I'm Mark. I'm the main douchebag.
So anyhow everybody.
Christopher you know our elaborate prank section right.
OK well I've got one for you.
I never told you about Babel Snatch have I.
OK even if I did just say I didn't know.
He knows nothing about Babel Snatch.
Yeah I think I remember a name like Babel Snatch.
OK so.
Babel Snatch this is back in the 80s probably mid 80s best guess could have been 87 at the latest.
But anyhow you know I used to go to the 7-eleven in Belvedere which isn't there now.
It was knocked down and then replaced way later by a quick trip.
But anyhow I used to go in there all the time and you know go in there and buy sodas and shit and whatever you know.
Rolling papers for my friends not for me.
And anyhow you know just shit like that. So anyhow there's this guy in there.
He I don't know you know I think he hated long hairs or something.
But hey I noticed he was nice to everybody but me.
Like I'd be like third in line and anyhow you know the first guy.
Hey Mr. Jones how you doing.
Oh man yeah nice weather.
Hey how's the kid.
You know next person.
Hi Loretta how you doing.
Oh man yeah yeah yeah everything's going good man.
I got the got the old Taurus running really good.
Yeah yeah come by man.
The old Taurus.
Yeah you know.
I come up there 142.
So how you doing.
142.
Okay here you go.
And I'm like what the hell how come this guy hates me.
And every time I go in there.
Nice as pie to everybody but me it's like just like.
I'd be 249.
So weather's pretty nice out there.
Thanks bye.
Motherfucker.
So he did this so many times and he just never talked to me.
He wouldn't even like hardly look at me you know.
So and I never did nothing to this fucker that I know of.
You know maybe someone said something like this guy said you know that you're a dick or.
Maybe someone screw him like hey man you think you got a nice ass.
Whatever the fucking deal was the guy was just a complete tool bag to me constantly.
So I was like hi bitch.
So I go home and I think about like okay.
So I start calling up my go.
Hey you got a Babel snatch gum.
What Babel snatch.
I mean everybody.
I bought it from there a couple of weeks ago.
Stuff is fucking awesome man.
I'll tell you what man you know talk to your manager about it.
Is this like a breath freshening gum.
I don't you know.
Maybe a bubble gum.
I just came up with it.
And anyhow the guy he bent on it you know he was like.
Oh yeah.
I'll check on it for you.
Hey thanks man I appreciate it.
So anyhow so I call back a little bit later.
Yeah someone called earlier you know and anyhow.
I'm sure we have it here somewhere but you know I'll talk to my manager about it tonight.
We'll see what we can do.
So anyhow I have a couple other people call it about Babel snatch gum and you know.
And they're like yeah yeah yeah you know we're we're working on getting it in.
Okay you know the regional manager we called him and he said that he was going to work on getting it in here.
And I go well you know I bought it the other day and it's just so good.
And they believe me I go man this gum is just so great tasting.
And he's like it's Babel snatch right.
Yeah Babel snatch that's the name of it.
Okay all right.
I would have loved to listen into the conversation when he's asking the regional manager about Babel snatch.
Oh yeah so you know anyhow.
I called down there the next day and I go hey man you know you got that Babel snatch gum.
You know the guy's like oh hang on hang on I think it's in.
We just had a load hang on.
So anyhow so the guy's like you know and this is the guy I hated the Paul guy.
So anyhow he's like yeah hang on a second.
So I hear him like yeah hey I'm going to go to the back there and it's in one of the boxes.
I said it was coming in today.
So all right no big deal.
So I hear him go back I hear some rustling a couple people come in and he stops.
He goes up there oh yeah it'll be 1242.
Okay thank you have a good day.
And then he helps someone else.
I hear him go back again.
I hear him rustling through some more boxes meanwhile I'm laughing my ass off.
Anyhow this guy he like for like 20 minutes is looking for Babel snatch gum.
So anyhow so like finally like a half hour later he comes back.
He goes man he goes look I know we're going to have an end by the end of the day.
I talked to my manager.
Okay all right man all right I'll come in at night and I'll get some gum.
Save some for me man okay.
My name's Billy I'll be in.
Okay okay all right I'll save you some Babel snatch gum no problem.
So a couple hours later I call up and I talked to the manager.
The manager's like yeah yeah I ordered some a couple days ago and it should be in.
If it's not in right now it's going to be in by the end of the day I guarantee you.
So I don't know how the hell they ordered it because there's there was no such thing as Babel snatch gum.
I made this shut up and all of a sudden I mean everybody wanted this fucking Babel snatch gum.
And it never did exist.
Matter of fact this prank got so good to where I ended up this is you know in the 80s before digital cameras even.
Let alone you know there are phone cameras and all the you know Photoshop and everything.
No internet.
No we had to like cut stuff out of wrappers and stuff and make a fake Babel snatch gum.
And take an old fashion like a Polaroid type of picture.
I forgot what it was.
It could have been one of those little box cameras back then.
Probably the only thing I could afford you know.
Hey we actually took a picture of the Babel snatch gum.
And a guy went in there he goes hey man I need this.
And the guy's like I know I know I know man we're working on getting it in.
It's hard to get man.
Everybody wants this Babel snatch gum.
So anyhow I guess the whole moral of the story is don't be a dick to me because then I'll do something like that.
And even now to this day I'll have a couple people on my friends list every now and they'd like send me a little message.
And I'll go Babel snatch.
I'm like ahhh.
Remember one time I was like working up in fucking New York or something.
And all of a sudden I get a ding.
And I'm on top of this fucking skyscraper they were putting in glass.
And I look down and it says Babel snatch.
I'm like fuck.
I'm up there dying in this glass about ready to fall and kill a hundred people.
They recover your body and they look at your phone.
Well the last text you received said Babel snatch. We better look into this.
By some guy named dirtbag.
So anyhow that is my elaborate prank section of this.
Unless we throw some more in there but anyhow.
Babel snatch. Never forget it.
This name lives on.