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And now it's time for...

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The Daily Deucebag Pledge.

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Here at Two Deucebags in a Microphone, we don't stand behind our journalistic integrity.

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Go ahead and assume we got the story wrong. At least we admit it.

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Not like all those other guys, we can and will lie if it makes the story better.

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Two Deucebags and a Microphone.

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We are...

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Jesus.

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The apocalypse just happened. You don't know what to do. You don't know where to go. But we can tell you what you can eat.

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Garlic mustard could and should be a go-to food during an apocalypse.

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Garlic mustard is plentiful everywhere. It is actually an invasive weed.

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But it can be very delicious and easily taken from about any pasture.

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Garlic mustard can be stewed or even pan-fried for delicious taste.

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It can also be added to other ingredients, whether it's a salad or any other type of food to enhance it.

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Garlic mustard should be a go-to staple during the apocalypse.

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Two Deucebags and a Microphone in an effort to keep everything fresh. We offer you...

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First world problems.

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My driver's license picture makes me look older. I'm calling a lawyer.

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Oh shit, what's that over there? Oh no, it's the island of horrible jokes.

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Ugh!

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Why did the melons not get married? Because they can't elope.

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Hello.

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Hello.

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Hello.

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Hello.

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Hey there. Welcome to Mark's SoloCast.

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Anyhow, I mean, I don't know what to say about Rob.

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I hope he gets some help. And above all, his health is what I'm more worried about than anything else.

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I mean, he really needs to get this thing figured out.

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Because it is obviously causing him a lot of torment and whatever else.

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So all I gotta say is I have well wishes for Rob.

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And I'm still yet to talk to him.

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You know, if he says the right things, I'm open.

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But we're going to have a new set of rules next time around.

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I know I didn't have to post that last podcast, but I thought it was important.

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I wanted Rob to hear it and to hear just exactly how bad it was.

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So we'll see. It's all up to him. I'm not dogging him, man. I love the guy. I've known him a long time.

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And I wish him a lot of luck and a lot of courage.

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So we shall see what happens. And that's all I got on that.

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So all right. On my solo cast, first thing I wanted to do was bring up millennial foods.

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Boomers know nothing about most these foods. They don't know anything about.

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They don't even know they exist.

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And it's pretty interesting to just to hear what they are, because some of this stuff, some of it I knew existed.

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I didn't know exactly what it was, but a lot of this I didn't know was around.

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So we'll start off with the youngsters are all about Sriracha on everything.

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Let's face it, though, most boomers have reflux anyhow.

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So even if they did know about it, they couldn't have it regularly.

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I'm an exer and I can't have it regularly. You know, I got GERD. GERD sucks.

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I still smoke my cigars. That would probably help if I quit.

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But you know what? I go back to none of us are perfect. We all have our vices.

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All right. The second one that I'd like to cover here is avocado toast.

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I've even tried it. I don't see the big deal myself,

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but possibly the healthier way of eating is the main reason that they go to avocado toast.

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Not like it's this angelic whatever that tastes so fantastic that you can't put it down.

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But the fact is it serves as toast, but it's a lot healthier for you than regular toast with all the grains and all that.

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So, you know, the boomers, they only know white or wheat toast, and that's it.

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And I remember with my good friend Bob, who since passed away,

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I mean, he used to have kind of a dilemma on whether it's like white or wheat.

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I mean, I, you know, if he was still around, I'd be like, hey, you want to try avocado toast?

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You probably throw the plate at me. But anyhow, love the guy.

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Anyhow, great guy.

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Uhhh, kombucha is a fizzy fermented tea that is taken the health world by storms

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made by fermenting tea with a symbiotic culture of bacteria and yeast.

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This is mainly because of its probiotic effects.

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I'm betting a lot of millennials don't drink that garbage when no one is around.

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I think it's a fad. I think it's a thing to look cool. I think it's a thing to status.

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I mean, we all did this, you know.

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You know, me and my buddies used to drink the most rancid things around like nitrate and stuff because it was a status thing.

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It's like, those guys are bad boys. Look at them. They're drinking nitrate.

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That stuff's like liquid car battery acid or something, you know.

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So I believe that this is a catch, you know, a peacock, whatever you want to call it.

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It is a gimmick.

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And I believe that most people probably don't like this garbage.

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But they want to look cool. They want to look like they know everything.

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You know, they'll do it.

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Kombucha, oh, I love this stuff. Oh my God.

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I had four cups of it yesterday. Couldn't put it down.

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Bullshit. That's what I'm saying. I'm calling bullshit on it.

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I don't think anyone likes kombucha. I think it's all a lie.

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It's just like kale. Nobody likes kale. Me and Topher went through this so many times.

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Kale is a lie.

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In my opinion, of course, all this is allegedly.

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But kale was the first guy that found kale. He thought it was so horrible.

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He's like, hey, let's play a joke on everybody. Let's put some of this shit out.

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And, you know, and let's see if the American public, you know, they'll probably go, oh, God.

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But idiots started falling for it. So now they sell it.

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So, yeah, kombucha is liquid kale in my book.

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Next one. Zoodles, which is zucchini noodles.

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I'm thinking why on God's green earth would you take a perfect food like pasta and ruin it with a plant?

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Zucchini. I mean, not just a vegetable, but vegetables. Very good for you.

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I. Yeah, I'm kind of disoriented over that whole thing.

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That. Yeah. Yeah. You know what? I'm gonna get off that.

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That probably raised my blood pressure. You don't dare do pasta like that.

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All right. Next.

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Acai bowls.

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Or a sea bowls. I've heard it called both ways, acai and a sea.

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I think the correct might be a sea, but I'm not for sure. I never looked it up.

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So anyhow, acai bowls.

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These are a colorful nutrient packed breakfast option made from blended acai berries, usually mixed with other fruits.

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You know, me, I'm looking at this. This is an option as a side, but not a main course.

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You know, any type of fruit or anything that's not to me, that's not a main course.

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That's like a hmm. I'm still a little bit hungry. Give me some acai bowl.

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Yeah, I'll eat some of that. Go back to my oatmeal or whatever.

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You know, so to me, acai meals or acai bowls are a side meal.

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I mean, they're there with whatever your main courses.

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So anyhow, I'm like with a bacon and eggs. Give me a side bowl. I might be a little bit hungry.

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There's not a whole lot of eggs here. So anyhow, next one in this stuff is rancid looking and I'll bet you anything.

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I've never tried it, but I'll bet you it is horrible.

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Charcoal ice cream.

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Recognized by its black color, this ice cream is made with activated charcoal,

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which is often derived from coconut shells or bamboo, which I didn't know.

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That's interesting. Charcoal that you buy like Kingsford or whatever

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is often made from coconut shells or bamboo shells.

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I just find that insane. So anyhow, pretty cool.

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This is more of a novelty, but if you really want to get crazy as a

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ask for a side of charcoal fluid with your charcoal ice cream.

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That's what I say. You know, nothing but a joke.

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The fluid will kill you. Do not try this ever.

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So anyhow, and also I said just ask for it. I didn't say take it.

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See look on their face.

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All right.

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Next one.

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Kimchi tacos, a fusion of Korean and Mexican cuisine, fermented flavors of

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kimchi with traditional taco ingredients.

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Layers of crunchy tacos with the vegetable accompanied with fermented

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tangy flavors of kimchi, usually topped with Sriracha sauce.

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There's that Sriracha again and pickled vegetables.

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Again, why take a perfect food and destroy it with garbage?

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The taco is perfect like it is. Leave it the hell alone.

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A poor taco is defenseless.

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You should not pervert and destroy the taco.

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The taco is an institution in Americana.

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The taco is ingrained in our society. Why mess with it?

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Leave it alone. It's a perfect food as it is.

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Anyhow.

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All right. Again, my blood pressure.

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Plant based meat alternatives such as plant based beef and chicken.

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You know, I do like some of it, but I'm worried about the process of making

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this product and the ingredients to me are questionable from what I read on them.

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You know, you don't want to kill animals.

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I'm in. I get it.

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But for healthy reasons, maybe you need to do a check on it.

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I'm not saying it isn't unhealthy.

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I'm just saying some of the stuff that's in there, I have no idea what the hell it is in the process to make it.

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So I don't know.

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But I do not. I do get not killing animals because look, man, I've been around cows all my life.

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Goats, all this stuff.

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They all have personalities.

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They're all loving creatures.

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And, you know, when when my family when I was younger, we went to Arkansas for a while and we had some cows.

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And I don't see how people can look them in the eye and go, we're going to eat you, you know, and think we're going to eat you next week.

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The cows recognize you when you come out.

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They're loving. They run up to you. I mean, they're kind of like horses.

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Horses are the same way.

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You know, they recognize you, they throw they show you love.

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So if you're if you're doing this plant based stuff to save animals, God bless you.

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I get it. I get it.

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Because I don't like killing animals either.

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But then again, I love steak.

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I love hamburger.

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So anyhow, next one overnight oats.

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This is prepared by soaking oats in milk or yogurt overnight.

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This is a great idea, actually.

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And I'm going to try it.

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The oats absorb the milk or yogurt and develop a creamy consistency, kind of cream of wheat fashion.

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I like this.

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I think I'm going to try it.

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Like I said, I bet this was discovered by accident.

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So we had to leave quickly and put their oats with yogurt in the fridge.

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They come back the next day and are like, oh, my God, this is like it's kind of like cream of wheat.

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This is great.

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I'm betting anything that that's how it was.

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But I can't prove it unless the inventor steps forward and goes, yeah, yeah, I did this by accident or whatever.

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All right. The next one poke bowls or poke.

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I've heard it called both ways.

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I don't know which way it's supposed to be pronounced, but I think everyone knows poke or poke.

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This dish brings together raw fish, usually tuna or salmon topped over rice and greens with topping like avocado, cucumber and seaweed.

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That is a solid hell no from me.

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Rice is a great food.

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Avocado, I like cucumber is good.

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Seaweed. No, no, no, no.

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But why why why destroy rice with raw pieces of fish?

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Anyhow.

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All right. Next matcha lattes.

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Finely ground green tea powdered whisked with steamed milk.

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I tried this, but still prefer coffee.

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I thought it was good, but nothing great.

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I don't know what the big crazy fervor is about it or anything like that.

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I, you know, I just don't.

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I thought it was good, but it's not something certainly not something I'm going to strive to go find somewhere.

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I'd rather go find a good ice latte somewhere or a good pour over or a good Americana, but not matcha lattes.

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They're OK to me.

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So the versatile grain alternative quinoa is packed with protein and fiber.

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It has a nutty flavor and a slightly chewy texture full of amino acids.

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It's a healthy alternative to grains.

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I don't have an opinion on this. I really I know.

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Sounds good. I can't.

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I think I might have tried a long time ago and was like, OK, whatever.

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If I tried it, it wasn't memorable.

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So anyhow, you know, quinoa is supposed to be so good for you.

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So, OK, there you go.

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I think people will like it.

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And that's about where it stays right there.

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So let's go into a few stories here while I'm here.

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Over the weekend, a claymore mine was found inside a home in Kansas City, Kansas.

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The owners don't have a clue where the old mine came from.

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Now, remember, a month ago, the home and independence and other part of Kansas City Metroplex,

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a home found in old Korean war, more mortar mortar in its attic.

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You know, I'm thinking is there some sort of weapon pied piper going around Kansas City

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that's going around hiding all artillery and houses and addicts and what have you.

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I mean, they could always do a Kansas City.

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We are the unexploded bomb capital, the world special, you know, you know, if I was a survivalist,

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I would ask homes in Kansas City be able to search their addicts for free.

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I mean, yeah, think of all the weapons you come up with evidently.

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I mean, you know, like old Korean artillery shells and old claymore mines.

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So who knows where it came from or whatever, but they got it.

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And so hopefully some little kid doesn't try to chew on it and blows up.

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Next, an irate New York man allegedly stole a tow truck

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and damaged multiple cars in Sunset Park Friday morning when he saw his vehicle being towed.

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Authorities said the man sideswiped several vehicles as he took off with the tow truck,

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which also had his truck hitched to it.

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Police said the chaotic incident happened on 52nd Street between 1st and 2nd avenues

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as the tow truck driver tried to seize a man's vehicle.

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So, I mean, did the guy get out of the car, the tow truck driver that was seizing the property back, the car back?

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Did he get out of the vehicle, I guess?

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And then the guy who was having his car repo jumped in it.

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I don't quite understand what happened and the article didn't explain it very well.

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So, I mean, I don't...

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I don't know. I mean, about the only thing.

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I mean, unless he took and grabbed the guy and threw him to the ground and jumped in it,

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I mean, I guess that could have happened too.

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But it doesn't say anything about anyone being assaulted.

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So, you know, I don't quite know how it happened.

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The suspect is still at large, so a guy jumps into a tow truck, I guess,

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while the driver is hitching up the truck that belonged to the alleged truck rampage guy.

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He goes on a rage, smashing cars and vehicles along the road.

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How does a guy get away after doing that?

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You know, he's in this huge vehicle with a car attached to him and he got away?

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I mean, and this is after he sideswiped and the guy that was driving the truck, he's out there.

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You know, he's probably calling 911 and going,

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Hey, you know, this guy grabbed my vehicle and took off and is smashing cars everywhere.

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So, how the hell he got out of there and not being caught is surprising me,

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unless he stopped a block away and ran off by foot.

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But then again, the article does not say that, so I don't know for sure.

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Other than that, I don't really have a clue how in the hell he did this.

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So anyhow, you know, especially in a heavy populated area.

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You know, I think we should just be happy his plane tickets weren't canceled.

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Many chimneys would be missing if they did.

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So anyhow, that, you know, OK, interesting.

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I took a look tomorrow morning.

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Topher and I are going to be at the city market or river market, if you will, whatever you want to call it.

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It's called by both here in Kansas City, the historic River Market District.

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And we're going to be doing our going over our football picks and making our predictions for next week.

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All I can say is I'm glad I didn't bet. My picks are horrible.

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I couldn't have done worse if I was trying to do worse.

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Just about every theory I had went to hell.

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There's a couple of them that I was I did kind of hit on, but there's a lot of them that I missed completely.

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So, I mean, you know, if it was a dark game, I wouldn't have even hit the board.

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So anyhow, Topher did a little bit better than I did.

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But anyhow, I mean, you know, the Bills played pretty well.

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I didn't I thought that was going to be the upset of the week.

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But the Patriots beat the Bengals.

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The hapless Patriots, they really have nobody have Jacobi Brissette as quarterback.

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And they have a May Derek May, I think it is as the his underling that is supposed to be learning from him.

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I don't know how good Derek May looks like he is if they don't think he's ready yet or if they think he's a answer.

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And but they have Jacobi Brissette playing who was an average quarterback.

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He's pretty much a backup quarterback.

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I mean, after he left New England the first time, you know, he was a backup.

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He went and I think he I think he started from a maybe Indianapolis, maybe the Colts.

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And then it was determined pretty much.

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I think there's another team involved in there, too, after or before the Colts.

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And he just really he he pretty much proved himself as a solid backup quarterback.

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I mean, hey, I take him on on the Chiefs team.

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I mean, Carson Wentz, I guess, is probably I don't know.

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He might be better. I don't know.

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I it just depends. I mean, I don't want my homes to get hurt.

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But if he ever does, I want that guy to be able to jump in there and Carson Wentz could be the guy.

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But I don't know, man, he might have had his what would you call it?

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His confidence, maybe his confidence level may be lower.

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Maybe Reed and the homes can work on him.

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And if that's what the problem is, get his confidence level up.

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Because when he first came out and he went to Philadelphia, he had a great pass.

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He was doing well. He got injured.

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And and anyhow, he really hadn't been the same after he'd been injured.

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You know, Nick Foles came in, did a great job and eventually took them to the Super Bowl and won the Super Bowl.

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So Nick Foles just went on a rampage out of nowhere.

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He's another backup quarterback, but he did well.

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So Jacoby Brissette is good enough for any team to be a backup.

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But I think the Patriots, I think what they're doing is they are grooming him to groom Derrick May.

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Derrick May is their draft choice, and they think he's going to be an excellent quarterback.

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And they want him tutored under Jacoby Brissette, from what I can tell.

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So that's remain and be seen.

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So this is the first segment of the podcast you will hear whenever I release this.

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This is a Mark Solo cast. I hope you guys like it.

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The format is going to be the same after this.

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You're going to get all the little wizards and little liners and all that stuff.

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And you know, your mom is so fat, you know, and you know, pick up lines from a loser and what have you.

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So the only stuff I'm not going to use is the Rob Rad stuff,

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because I don't know if he's going to be officially a part of this program anymore or not.

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That's remain and be seen.

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And I'm not comfortable putting him on there if he's not going to be on it.

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So anyhow, there you guys go.

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I hope this first segment since the podcast that really, really blew up and sucked.

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I hope it's a good one.

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I hope it finds everybody well.

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And I hope everybody is doing fantastic health wise, mentally and financially.

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Love to all you guys.

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We have a lot of listeners and I appreciate every one of you.

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This has been a labor of love since the first day.

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Like I said, I've always admired these morning programs.

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And this is nothing more than a very primitive, very low budget salute to that type of radio, which is dead now.

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And I mean, certain types of people will love this.

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A lot of people will not. And I know this.

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But that is why, you know, I mean, anyone can give you the they can give you this political talk and be much better at it.

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I have my opinions. I know what they are.

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They're not for sale, you know.

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But at the same time, I don't feel that I'm a good enough person to explain to you everything going on and explain to you correctly.

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So I've never looked at doing that.

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Sportsmen Topher doing a sports show.

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I can deliver a lot of that with with some knowledge and feel pretty comfortable about coming out with a pretty good program with it.

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And I hope everybody enjoys Topher and I's NFL cast or whatever, you know, NFL podcast.

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So anyhow, I'm going to get off here, like I promised.

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And everybody, thank you. Have a fantastic evening.

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This is just a little test run. Here is what it is.

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And we'll see how well it does. I might throw another segment on here.

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I might not. It may just be on its own.

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We don't know. Or we as in me, myself and I, I guess.

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So, all right. Have a good night, everybody.

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Hey, fellas, remember to wipe away from the twins.

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Stay fresh ideas from the douchebags.

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Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.

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It's strange insults from an alien.

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Real hilarity. What doesn't kill you disappoints us.

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Jam X. What the hell happened?

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You were the generation of change.

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You never wanted to be one of them. At the theater.

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Spoke for you.

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Hunk the man. Hunk the system.

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00:27:42,000 --> 00:27:44,000
What the hell happened?

340
00:27:44,000 --> 00:27:46,000
The generation of angst.

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The generation of noncompliance.

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Is now buying a boat.

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You're really fed up to kill someone dangled a dollar near you.

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Great job, Xers. Everything's ruined.

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Have you ever wondered where something came about?

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Have you ever looked at something and said,

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Hmm, I wonder what the origin of that is?

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So have we. That's why we give you The Origin of.

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The origin of the nose ring.

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The middle-east is the birthplace of the nostril ring,

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piercing, tracking back 4,000 years.

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00:28:22,000 --> 00:28:28,000
Nostrils were held as a status of upper class if they were pierced with a ring.

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You watched the news. It was grim.

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00:28:32,000 --> 00:28:38,000
As is an apocalypse inevitable, we suggest you download all our podcasts beforehand

355
00:28:38,000 --> 00:28:40,000
and have multiple mobile chargers.

356
00:28:40,000 --> 00:28:44,000
We have the posts of apocalypse.

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00:28:45,000 --> 00:28:52,000
Make sure and have plenty of rope, strong, threaded, durable rope,

358
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with a rating of 400 pounds or greater.

359
00:28:55,000 --> 00:28:59,000
You need to know basic knots so you can go to the library

360
00:28:59,000 --> 00:29:01,000
and download the Boy Scouts Handbook

361
00:29:01,000 --> 00:29:06,000
and have a reference to slip knots and other essential rope tricks.

362
00:29:06,000 --> 00:29:10,000
Rope can be used in traps to catch food or would-be predators.

363
00:29:10,000 --> 00:29:15,000
Rope is a key ingredient in post-apocalypse survival.

364
00:29:16,000 --> 00:29:20,000
Next time you take a dump, listen to two douchebags and a microphone.

365
00:29:20,000 --> 00:29:24,000
It's been proven in laboratory rats to relax your anal canal.

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00:29:24,000 --> 00:29:26,000
Get in cover.

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00:29:27,000 --> 00:29:29,000
Hey there, fuckstick.

368
00:29:29,000 --> 00:29:33,000
You're just in time for brand new feature news nobody gives a shit about.

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00:29:33,000 --> 00:29:39,000
A man in Spain has collected over 3,470 cell phones.

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00:29:47,000 --> 00:29:51,000
Hello and welcome to the second segment of the SoloCast.

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This is Mark, of course.

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What I'm going to do now is horror stories.

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Since I'm doing these generation things, a lot of our podcasts,

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we're doing generation stuff.

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So this is what Generation Xers tell their horror stories about growing up

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and what boomers would let them or have them do.

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So I started to get into some of this on the last podcast,

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but Rob wasn't complying very well, so only got one in.

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So anyhow, this guy said,

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Remember how there used to be half-sized cans of beer?

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My dad would give me a mini Budweiser to settle me down.

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This was ages 3, 4.

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I tell people I quit drinking when I started kindergarten

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and didn't begin again until college.

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Another one, wrote,

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My boomer mother thought it was hilarious to mercifully mock anything I liked,

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no matter how harmless.

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Not just to me, but to anybody around.

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She basically embarrassed me out of liking so many things

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until I finally developed a fuck you.

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I won't let you spoil this for me attitude about,

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I never had that, but okay, alright, whatever.

393
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Another one, my parents had really terrible ideas about safety.

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We'd take big family vacations in the station wagon

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and I'd sit on the flat part in the back, wedged by the suitcases.

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I know I already told this on the last podcast,

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but I'm doing it again in case someone didn't hear it.

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I spent most of the trip throwing up because there was no cushioning or seating,

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so I'd feel every vibration and bump in the road.

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No seatbelt, nothing, just me wedged next to a suitcase.

401
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I probably had something like that happen, I don't quite remember.

402
00:31:43,000 --> 00:31:47,000
So, next one, didn't have offense,

403
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so I was 3 and playing in the street while she was watching General Hospital,

404
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she as in her mom.

405
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When she would send us off to dad's or two weeks at the beginning of summer

406
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and two weeks at the end of summer,

407
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my dad and stepmom just continued to go to work every day

408
00:32:03,000 --> 00:32:07,000
like they didn't have a 6 year old and an 8 year old at home

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with her two kids who were about the same age.

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Of course the older kids eventually got into the liquor

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and we snuck next door to go swimming at the neighbor's house and nobody was home.

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We had no adult supervision, 90% of our childhood.

413
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Well, you know what, when I was growing up, when I was much younger,

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I mean like 5, 6, 7, I lived in Northeast Kansas City

415
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and the entire block of Kensington, and I forgot the side, the other road,

416
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but that entire block of Kensington, everybody knew where everybody's kids were,

417
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everyone kept an eye on them, we played all around the block.

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Believe me, whenever we did something stupid, one of the parents would catch it

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and they would tell all the parents, you know, so we'd get in trouble.

420
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So I don't know, you know, it doesn't sound like anything like that is going on here,

421
00:33:01,000 --> 00:33:05,000
but I can tell you right now, sometimes you think there's no policing going on,

422
00:33:05,000 --> 00:33:07,000
but there really is.

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I had an aunt that would stop by the Alton's restaurant and have me run in

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and buy her a pack of us out of the cigarette vending machine.

425
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I still can't believe they ever had those.

426
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I think they still have one in Anthony's restaurant in Kansas City,

427
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Anthony's on Grand, which is a fantastic Italian restaurant, I love it.

428
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I don't know if it still works, but I'm pretty sure they still have one.

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At bedtime, my father would come into my brother's and my bedroom

430
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and make patterns in the dark with lit cigarettes.

431
00:33:53,000 --> 00:33:55,000
Next one, OMG.

432
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I remember my dad occasionally taking me and my brother to smoky pool halls on Saturdays

433
00:33:59,000 --> 00:34:04,000
so he could play a few games and have a couple of beers before he did the errands.

434
00:34:04,000 --> 00:34:09,000
He was running for my mom, the errands for my mom, sorry.

435
00:34:09,000 --> 00:34:13,000
I guess she never questioned why we all smelled like smoke

436
00:34:13,000 --> 00:34:18,000
and why we came home hours later, because my dad smoked with us in the truck anyway.

437
00:34:18,000 --> 00:34:21,000
So I'm guessing she just thought he was smoking.

438
00:34:22,000 --> 00:34:27,000
Next one, drove three kids around in a car with a hole in the floor,

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large enough for us to fall through.

440
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A buddy of mine used to own a truck like that,

441
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and a lot of times people would almost get their foot caught in it

442
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and pretty much shrug off.

443
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Luckily I didn't see anybody's foot being penciled off on pavement.

444
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He had a big hole, and his answer was to put a bunch of license plates and layers of carpet.

445
00:34:55,000 --> 00:34:58,000
It did work though, but the problem is he sold it

446
00:34:58,000 --> 00:35:01,000
and the person didn't know there was a hole in the floorboard.

447
00:35:01,000 --> 00:35:04,000
So I imagine someday they're in their vacuuming out and going,

448
00:35:04,000 --> 00:35:05,000
what the hell is this?

449
00:35:05,000 --> 00:35:07,000
Probably pretty mad, so anyhow.

450
00:35:10,000 --> 00:35:14,000
Next one, drove three kids around in a car with a hole in the floor,

451
00:35:14,000 --> 00:35:18,000
large enough, you know what, alright.

452
00:35:19,000 --> 00:35:22,000
I think I'm getting tired, it's getting pretty late.

453
00:35:23,000 --> 00:35:25,000
After breakfast, mom would kick me outside

454
00:35:25,000 --> 00:35:28,000
and tell me not to come home until the street lights came on.

455
00:35:28,000 --> 00:35:32,000
That was pretty much, that was everybody.

456
00:35:32,000 --> 00:35:33,000
I mean, I do believe.

457
00:35:33,000 --> 00:35:37,000
This goes back to the police scene by all the parents,

458
00:35:38,000 --> 00:35:41,000
looking out their front and back windows and finding out where we all were

459
00:35:41,000 --> 00:35:43,000
and then calling the other one up and saying,

460
00:35:43,000 --> 00:35:45,000
hey, they're here, they're here, they're here.

461
00:35:48,000 --> 00:35:54,000
Next, my parents were by the hideous smelling flea poison at the vet for a Rottweiler.

462
00:35:54,000 --> 00:35:56,000
It had to be diluted with water.

463
00:35:56,000 --> 00:36:01,000
I guess my mother whipped up a gallon of this concoction in an old milk gallon.

464
00:36:01,000 --> 00:36:03,000
It was a white liquid.

465
00:36:03,000 --> 00:36:06,000
She put it in the refrigerator in the milk gallon.

466
00:36:06,000 --> 00:36:09,000
She did not mark the container in any way

467
00:36:09,000 --> 00:36:15,000
or in order to differentiate it from any ordinary gallon of milk.

468
00:36:16,000 --> 00:36:18,000
Now, I ate cereal every morning for breakfast.

469
00:36:18,000 --> 00:36:21,000
I'm guessing you can figure out easily what happened next.

470
00:36:21,000 --> 00:36:24,000
But unbelievably, my mother did not foresee that.

471
00:36:24,000 --> 00:36:29,000
That I would pour this flea poison into my cereal and eat it.

472
00:36:29,000 --> 00:36:35,000
I told her that I was pretty silly because it had, it has a smell.

473
00:36:36,000 --> 00:36:38,000
Didn't I notice a smell?

474
00:36:38,000 --> 00:36:40,000
Boy, what a dumb kid.

475
00:36:40,000 --> 00:36:44,000
She sent me off to day camp with a box of Tic Tacs

476
00:36:44,000 --> 00:36:47,000
to help mellow the terrible aftertaste in my mouth.

477
00:36:47,000 --> 00:36:49,000
I think of this often.

478
00:36:49,000 --> 00:36:51,000
It always seemed very fucked up.

479
00:36:51,000 --> 00:36:54,000
Even more so now that I'm a parent.

480
00:36:54,000 --> 00:36:56,000
Luckily, I only took one bite.

481
00:36:56,000 --> 00:36:58,000
I can still taste it.

482
00:37:01,000 --> 00:37:03,000
Next one.

483
00:37:05,000 --> 00:37:09,000
My stepdad thought he was being an awesome dad

484
00:37:09,000 --> 00:37:15,000
when he gave me a free fat bag of weed when I was 14.

485
00:37:15,000 --> 00:37:17,000
I didn't smoke weed then.

486
00:37:17,000 --> 00:37:19,000
When I asked what I should do with it,

487
00:37:19,000 --> 00:37:21,000
he said I could sell it or trade it.

488
00:37:21,000 --> 00:37:23,000
I have two boys of my own now,

489
00:37:23,000 --> 00:37:27,000
and I'm upbringing was just so different.

490
00:37:27,000 --> 00:37:31,000
And what the normal for us in retrospect

491
00:37:31,000 --> 00:37:35,000
was not the normal remotely for anybody.

492
00:37:36,000 --> 00:37:37,000
Next one.

493
00:37:37,000 --> 00:37:40,000
We had to be seven years old to get our own lighter

494
00:37:40,000 --> 00:37:43,000
for lighting off fireworks, unsupervised for weeks,

495
00:37:43,000 --> 00:37:45,000
leading up to the 4th of July.

496
00:37:45,000 --> 00:37:48,000
Yeah, you know what?

497
00:37:48,000 --> 00:37:51,000
We used to have bottle rocket wars

498
00:37:51,000 --> 00:37:53,000
and just nail each other in the face.

499
00:37:53,000 --> 00:37:56,000
And I'm surprised nobody got their eye taken out

500
00:37:56,000 --> 00:37:58,000
or got seriously injured.

501
00:37:58,000 --> 00:38:00,000
That could have been where my tinnitus started,

502
00:38:00,000 --> 00:38:01,000
for all I know.

503
00:38:01,000 --> 00:38:04,000
There might have been fireworks that exploded right above my head

504
00:38:04,000 --> 00:38:06,000
and screwed up my inner ear.

505
00:38:06,000 --> 00:38:08,000
But yeah.

506
00:38:10,000 --> 00:38:12,000
Yeah, we all...

507
00:38:12,000 --> 00:38:15,000
We all shot bottle rockets at each other,

508
00:38:15,000 --> 00:38:17,000
nobody noticed or didn't care.

509
00:38:17,000 --> 00:38:18,000
Well, I think they cared.

510
00:38:18,000 --> 00:38:20,000
They just didn't know we were doing it.

511
00:38:21,000 --> 00:38:24,000
My dad used to pull my sled with a rope behind the car.

512
00:38:24,000 --> 00:38:26,000
Same car was diesel,

513
00:38:26,000 --> 00:38:30,000
and my dad would drive ahead of me

514
00:38:30,000 --> 00:38:32,000
about 5 to 10 feet of clearance

515
00:38:32,000 --> 00:38:35,000
while helping me train for cross country.

516
00:38:35,000 --> 00:38:39,000
Yeah, my dad was rolling coal on me

517
00:38:39,000 --> 00:38:41,000
from high school to college.

518
00:38:41,000 --> 00:38:43,000
Yeah, okay.

519
00:38:43,000 --> 00:38:44,000
Who cares about that one?

520
00:38:44,000 --> 00:38:46,000
I'm sorry I wasted your time with that one.

521
00:38:46,000 --> 00:38:47,000
That was stupid.

522
00:38:48,000 --> 00:38:49,000
Next one.

523
00:38:49,000 --> 00:38:52,000
My mom loved to tell me the story of how when I was an infant,

524
00:38:52,000 --> 00:38:54,000
they stuck me in my car seat

525
00:38:54,000 --> 00:38:58,000
between their golf clubs in the back of the golf cart.

526
00:38:58,000 --> 00:39:04,000
Me and my car seat popped out on the fairway,

527
00:39:04,000 --> 00:39:06,000
and they didn't notice until the next hole.

528
00:39:06,000 --> 00:39:07,000
If I remember correctly,

529
00:39:07,000 --> 00:39:11,000
the story is an extension about what a good baby I was.

530
00:39:11,000 --> 00:39:13,000
I guess I was just lucky to have a car seat

531
00:39:13,000 --> 00:39:15,000
they actually buckled me into.

532
00:39:18,000 --> 00:39:19,000
Next one.

533
00:39:19,000 --> 00:39:22,000
I still remember a six-hour drive to see family,

534
00:39:22,000 --> 00:39:25,000
where me and my brother were in the bed of a pickup

535
00:39:25,000 --> 00:39:27,000
with a luggage and two black labs.

536
00:39:27,000 --> 00:39:30,000
We had couch cushions to lay on at least,

537
00:39:30,000 --> 00:39:33,000
but there was a topper on the bed.

538
00:39:33,000 --> 00:39:35,000
Oh, it was summer too, high 90s.

539
00:39:35,000 --> 00:39:38,000
They did let us crack the side window for some air.

540
00:39:40,000 --> 00:39:41,000
And lastly,

541
00:39:41,000 --> 00:39:45,000
my high school had a smoking area for students grade 9 through 12.

542
00:39:50,000 --> 00:39:54,000
I remember they used to have the side windows a little...

543
00:39:55,000 --> 00:39:58,000
They're almost like triangle looking,

544
00:39:58,000 --> 00:40:00,000
and they're little bitty windows

545
00:40:00,000 --> 00:40:02,000
that were right next to your big window.

546
00:40:02,000 --> 00:40:07,000
You'd open them up and they'd whistle just a really weird, loud whistle.

547
00:40:08,000 --> 00:40:12,000
And it used to really bother me, that shrillness.

548
00:40:12,000 --> 00:40:17,000
But anyhow, it was like no one ever wanted to open their windows down back then.

549
00:40:17,000 --> 00:40:18,000
I don't know why.

550
00:40:18,000 --> 00:40:20,000
They thought we were going to fall out or something,

551
00:40:20,000 --> 00:40:23,000
but it was like no air conditioning in the car.

552
00:40:23,000 --> 00:40:25,000
Nobody really had air conditioning in the car.

553
00:40:25,000 --> 00:40:28,000
I think Cadillacs did back then,

554
00:40:28,000 --> 00:40:29,000
but no one else had them.

555
00:40:29,000 --> 00:40:32,000
Unless you had a Cadillac, we definitely couldn't afford one.

556
00:40:36,000 --> 00:40:38,000
It was this little side window,

557
00:40:38,000 --> 00:40:40,000
but they would never roll the main window down,

558
00:40:40,000 --> 00:40:43,000
which drove me nuts because I'd just sit back there hotter than hell.

559
00:40:44,000 --> 00:40:45,000
So anyhow,

560
00:40:46,000 --> 00:40:47,000
alright.

561
00:40:49,000 --> 00:40:50,000
That's going to be it for now.

562
00:40:51,000 --> 00:40:54,000
I'm probably going to record another segment like this tomorrow.

563
00:40:54,000 --> 00:40:57,000
As much fun as an electric can opener to the scrotum.

564
00:40:57,000 --> 00:40:59,000
Two douchebags and a microphone.

565
00:41:02,000 --> 00:41:04,000
Attention! Attention!

566
00:41:04,000 --> 00:41:06,000
Columbus, Ohio!

567
00:41:06,000 --> 00:41:08,000
You guys walk.

568
00:41:08,000 --> 00:41:11,000
Two douchebags and microphones salute you.

569
00:41:11,000 --> 00:41:13,000
Thank you for listening.

570
00:41:14,000 --> 00:41:16,000
Oh shit, what's that over there?

571
00:41:17,000 --> 00:41:20,000
Oh no, this island of horrible jokes.

572
00:41:20,000 --> 00:41:23,000
I asked my date to meet me at the gym.

573
00:41:23,000 --> 00:41:25,000
She didn't show up.

574
00:41:25,000 --> 00:41:27,000
I guess we're not going to work out.

575
00:41:40,000 --> 00:41:42,000
And now, deep thoughts with Mark.

576
00:41:42,000 --> 00:41:45,000
And now, deep thoughts with Mark.

577
00:41:49,000 --> 00:41:53,000
So, if I have a glass of ice water,

578
00:41:53,000 --> 00:41:57,000
and the ice melts into the water,

579
00:41:57,000 --> 00:42:00,000
is my water then watered down?

580
00:42:01,000 --> 00:42:02,000
Hm.

581
00:42:02,000 --> 00:42:04,000
I may never know.

582
00:42:04,000 --> 00:42:07,000
Hello, this is Satan.

583
00:42:07,000 --> 00:42:11,000
You might know me from my pet name, Inflation.

584
00:42:12,000 --> 00:42:17,000
I'm here to tell you that there's no better way to relax than

585
00:42:17,000 --> 00:42:20,000
listening to two douchebags and microphone

586
00:42:20,000 --> 00:42:23,000
by a nice warm fire at night.

587
00:42:23,000 --> 00:42:27,000
I sit there and I reflect on all the souls I burned that day.

588
00:42:28,000 --> 00:42:32,000
I'm here to tell you that there's no better way to relax than

589
00:42:32,000 --> 00:42:36,000
listening to two douchebags and microphone by a nice warm fire at night.

590
00:42:36,000 --> 00:42:40,000
I sit there and I reflect on all the souls I burned that day.

591
00:42:41,000 --> 00:42:43,000
Enjoy.

592
00:42:45,000 --> 00:42:50,000
Your mom is so old, she walked out of the museum and the alarm went off.

593
00:42:52,000 --> 00:42:56,000
Two douchebags and a microphone invade your ear holes and...

594
00:42:56,000 --> 00:42:59,000
Hey, who took a dump in the cooler?

595
00:42:59,000 --> 00:43:03,000
It really hurts. Who can afford plastic surgery?

596
00:43:03,000 --> 00:43:05,000
Stay safe, everyone.

597
00:43:14,000 --> 00:43:16,000
So, Locast.

598
00:43:16,000 --> 00:43:18,000
Day two.

599
00:43:18,000 --> 00:43:20,000
Action.

600
00:43:20,000 --> 00:43:24,000
A family member may or may not have bought some rolling papers,

601
00:43:24,000 --> 00:43:27,000
but if they did, it's legal in Missouri.

602
00:43:27,000 --> 00:43:31,000
I looked over on the coffee table and there is a pack of rolling papers

603
00:43:31,000 --> 00:43:34,000
with John Denver on the package.

604
00:43:34,000 --> 00:43:39,000
John Denver has been dead probably 25 years or so.

605
00:43:39,000 --> 00:43:41,000
He died in a plane wreck.

606
00:43:41,000 --> 00:43:45,000
He was the only occupant, so he was driving, you know, he was flying the plane.

607
00:43:45,000 --> 00:43:50,000
And like always, you know, they either are too tired

608
00:43:50,000 --> 00:43:54,000
or, you know, got disoriented.

609
00:43:54,000 --> 00:43:59,000
He was something, he sped down and crashed, I believe, really close to the ocean.

610
00:43:59,000 --> 00:44:04,000
And anyhow, and it was very sad.

611
00:44:04,000 --> 00:44:07,000
He was a very good performer. A lot of people liked him, including me.

612
00:44:07,000 --> 00:44:10,000
I mean, I like some of his stuff, you know.

613
00:44:10,000 --> 00:44:12,000
He was good.

614
00:44:12,000 --> 00:44:15,000
He wasn't my main music, but I could enjoy his stuff.

615
00:44:15,000 --> 00:44:17,000
So, now my thing is this.

616
00:44:17,000 --> 00:44:21,000
John Denver on a pack of rolling papers?

617
00:44:21,000 --> 00:44:25,000
I could just imagine, you know, being smashed out of your gourd

618
00:44:25,000 --> 00:44:28,000
and looking down at your papers and seeing John Denver.

619
00:44:28,000 --> 00:44:31,000
I mean, if that's a gag, it's a damn fine one.

620
00:44:31,000 --> 00:44:36,000
I just could not imagine like a couple of people smashed out of their gourd like Cheech and Chong.

621
00:44:36,000 --> 00:44:40,000
And one of them goes, dude, is that John Denver?

622
00:44:40,000 --> 00:44:44,000
Uh, hang on, hang on, hang on.

623
00:44:44,000 --> 00:44:47,000
Uh, I think so.

624
00:44:47,000 --> 00:44:49,000
What's he doing on your rolling papers?

625
00:44:49,000 --> 00:44:51,000
Fuck, I don't know.

626
00:44:51,000 --> 00:44:53,000
I mean, it's funny.

627
00:44:53,000 --> 00:44:58,000
I mean, did the, I guess like his family or his estate would have had a signed off on that, right?

628
00:44:58,000 --> 00:45:01,000
I mean, if you know anything about this and the reasoning,

629
00:45:01,000 --> 00:45:06,000
you know, like if they just wanted to make some extra money in his name

630
00:45:06,000 --> 00:45:11,000
and some pack of paper, you know, that manufactures the rolling papers,

631
00:45:11,000 --> 00:45:16,000
came to them and said, hey, we'd like to have John Denver's image on this.

632
00:45:16,000 --> 00:45:18,000
And they just did it for extra money.

633
00:45:18,000 --> 00:45:20,000
So, um, please give me an email.

634
00:45:20,000 --> 00:45:24,000
DoucheB66 at Yahoo.com.

635
00:45:24,000 --> 00:45:26,000
Haters, hate away.

636
00:45:26,000 --> 00:45:27,000
Send them in.

637
00:45:27,000 --> 00:45:30,000
Like I say with the one with Topher, we love hate email.

638
00:45:30,000 --> 00:45:31,000
I thrive on it.

639
00:45:31,000 --> 00:45:33,000
It warms my cold heart.

640
00:45:33,000 --> 00:45:36,000
I love it.

641
00:45:36,000 --> 00:45:44,000
You know, I guess this kind of means a little bit more meaning to the song, Rocky Mountain High.

642
00:45:44,000 --> 00:45:45,000
Maybe.

643
00:45:45,000 --> 00:45:47,000
They should have put that on the papers, actually.

644
00:45:47,000 --> 00:45:51,000
On the back of it on the front should have been John Denver like that, you know,

645
00:45:51,000 --> 00:45:54,000
then on the back it should have said Rocky Mountain High.

646
00:45:54,000 --> 00:45:56,000
Now that would have been really fucking cool.

647
00:45:56,000 --> 00:46:06,000
So anyhow, anyhow, Ryan Seacrest first show as new host to Wheel of Fortune aired tonight.

648
00:46:06,000 --> 00:46:08,000
I thought it was rather boring.

649
00:46:08,000 --> 00:46:12,000
Pat Sajak kept people on their toes with his quick wit.

650
00:46:12,000 --> 00:46:14,000
Seacrest is not a quick wit guy.

651
00:46:14,000 --> 00:46:16,000
Now he's very talented.

652
00:46:16,000 --> 00:46:19,000
He's very talented without a doubt.

653
00:46:19,000 --> 00:46:25,000
But I'm not sure if this is a type of show that people will respond to that coming out and going,

654
00:46:25,000 --> 00:46:30,000
you know, he's the guy that goes, this is American Idol.

655
00:46:30,000 --> 00:46:32,000
He works on that.

656
00:46:32,000 --> 00:46:36,000
But on a quick witted show where you got to keep people entertained constantly

657
00:46:36,000 --> 00:46:41,000
and kind of have a little banter about something or someone says something

658
00:46:41,000 --> 00:46:44,000
and Pat used to, you know, take it into something else.

659
00:46:44,000 --> 00:46:47,000
I mean, just little quick quips that he was so good at.

660
00:46:47,000 --> 00:46:51,000
Not very many people have that quick of wit like him.

661
00:46:51,000 --> 00:46:53,000
And whenever it's done right, it's genius.

662
00:46:53,000 --> 00:46:59,000
And either people are going to have to get used to Ryan Seacrest's.

663
00:46:59,000 --> 00:47:03,000
To me, I mean, he's good, but to me he's rather boring.

664
00:47:03,000 --> 00:47:10,000
They're going to have to get used to Ryan Seacrest's more subtle.

665
00:47:10,000 --> 00:47:14,000
To me, boring is all I can really think of.

666
00:47:14,000 --> 00:47:18,000
I mean, I like him, but this boring style,

667
00:47:18,000 --> 00:47:20,000
they're either going to have to get used to that

668
00:47:20,000 --> 00:47:22,000
or they're going to have to figure out something else in my opinion.

669
00:47:22,000 --> 00:47:25,000
I don't think it's working right now.

670
00:47:25,000 --> 00:47:28,000
But there are only a few games into the new season

671
00:47:28,000 --> 00:47:33,000
or actually one game into the new, one of the game into the new season.

672
00:47:33,000 --> 00:47:40,000
And actually to be complete, you know, just to let you guys all know here,

673
00:47:40,000 --> 00:47:43,000
okay, this is a couple of days after I wrote this out.

674
00:47:43,000 --> 00:47:48,000
So actually we are about three game shows into the new season

675
00:47:48,000 --> 00:47:50,000
with Ryan Seacrest debuting.

676
00:47:50,000 --> 00:47:52,000
So it may very well get better.

677
00:47:52,000 --> 00:47:54,000
Maybe they might write a couple of puns for him.

678
00:47:54,000 --> 00:47:57,000
Maybe we'll edit until he has something funny,

679
00:47:57,000 --> 00:47:59,000
which would probably take a long time,

680
00:47:59,000 --> 00:48:02,000
but you know what, we'll find out.

681
00:48:02,000 --> 00:48:09,000
You know, I bet it flies better than Tom Brady's first game actually.

682
00:48:09,000 --> 00:48:11,000
Topher, he said it best.

683
00:48:11,000 --> 00:48:13,000
He was doing the old calling.

684
00:48:13,000 --> 00:48:19,000
Every player by their nickname reminded us that he played.

685
00:48:19,000 --> 00:48:20,000
That is so true.

686
00:48:20,000 --> 00:48:23,000
It's kind of like a peacocking thing.

687
00:48:23,000 --> 00:48:26,000
He wants you to know that he played football

688
00:48:26,000 --> 00:48:29,000
and he knows all of these guys personally.

689
00:48:29,000 --> 00:48:30,000
And before he went to the booth,

690
00:48:30,000 --> 00:48:32,000
he was down there chumming around with them in the locker room.

691
00:48:32,000 --> 00:48:36,000
You know, hey, hey, hey, Nick, what's going on, man?

692
00:48:36,000 --> 00:48:37,000
Not much, man.

693
00:48:37,000 --> 00:48:39,000
We're getting ready for these guys, man.

694
00:48:39,000 --> 00:48:40,000
We're ready for them.

695
00:48:40,000 --> 00:48:43,000
And then, you know, whether he did or not, who knows.

696
00:48:43,000 --> 00:48:49,000
But he wants to kind of let you know that he's a player and he used to play.

697
00:48:49,000 --> 00:48:52,000
And in my opinion, he wanted to kind of let everyone know

698
00:48:52,000 --> 00:48:56,000
that he's smarter about the game than everybody.

699
00:48:56,000 --> 00:49:01,000
Maybe when you're on the field, in the booth, completely different.

700
00:49:01,000 --> 00:49:06,000
And I mean, I think anyone could imagine completely different in the booth.

701
00:49:06,000 --> 00:49:09,000
This is where you have to keep everything going,

702
00:49:09,000 --> 00:49:15,000
but not be redundant, boring, or act like you're a homer.

703
00:49:15,000 --> 00:49:16,000
I mean, that was the one thing.

704
00:49:16,000 --> 00:49:18,000
I love Howard Cosell.

705
00:49:18,000 --> 00:49:19,000
He was great.

706
00:49:19,000 --> 00:49:22,000
He changed broadcasting and sports.

707
00:49:22,000 --> 00:49:29,000
But he was a homer sometimes, enough to where it made you want to vomit.

708
00:49:29,000 --> 00:49:34,000
And I mean, he, anyhow, I'll get off of him because, you know what,

709
00:49:34,000 --> 00:49:40,000
he's passed and he was great, but he had some flaws, I do believe.

710
00:49:40,000 --> 00:49:43,000
So anyhow, he'd call them by their nicknames.

711
00:49:43,000 --> 00:49:45,000
He rambled on about the obvious.

712
00:49:45,000 --> 00:49:49,000
He went on about how hard the NFL is.

713
00:49:49,000 --> 00:49:57,000
And CBS, I'm sure they paid a fortune for this promo they came up with,

714
00:49:57,000 --> 00:50:03,000
for him that a kid that seemed starstruck when he met Tom Brady.

715
00:50:03,000 --> 00:50:11,000
You know, I bet Tom felt more deflated than his footballs after this game.

716
00:50:11,000 --> 00:50:13,000
All right.

717
00:50:13,000 --> 00:50:16,000
And moving right along.

718
00:50:16,000 --> 00:50:22,000
Kelly Cunningham has always wanted to be a mother, but without a bae of her own.

719
00:50:22,000 --> 00:50:24,000
And actually, it should say baby.

720
00:50:24,000 --> 00:50:30,000
And if it was a bae, like B-A-E is spelled wrong, B-A-Y, that is a typo on me.

721
00:50:30,000 --> 00:50:31,000
So I apologize.

722
00:50:31,000 --> 00:50:35,000
Kelly Cunningham has always wanted to be a mother, but without a baby of her own.

723
00:50:35,000 --> 00:50:39,000
The New York native is breastfeeding her dolls.

724
00:50:39,000 --> 00:50:44,000
The suburban resident bought a reborn doll for her 27th birthday

725
00:50:44,000 --> 00:50:49,000
and says she quickly felt her natural instincts to kick in.

726
00:50:49,000 --> 00:50:55,000
She stated, I couldn't help but care for Jennifer like a real child.

727
00:50:55,000 --> 00:51:01,000
She went on, my dad explained to me it was normal to have that desire to be a parent.

728
00:51:01,000 --> 00:51:07,000
Now that I'm in my late 20s, so I don't really question my love for these dolls,

729
00:51:07,000 --> 00:51:12,000
Stacey Cunningham, reborn dolls are known to be used as a form of therapy

730
00:51:12,000 --> 00:51:18,000
to provide a sense of connection for people struggling with infertility issues,

731
00:51:18,000 --> 00:51:22,000
infant loss, or even dementia.

732
00:51:22,000 --> 00:51:26,000
I think it would be great with dementia because a lot of people with dementia,

733
00:51:26,000 --> 00:51:32,000
and Alzheimer's too, they go back to their younger years.

734
00:51:32,000 --> 00:51:34,000
And it looks like they're there.

735
00:51:34,000 --> 00:51:36,000
I mean, they think they're there.

736
00:51:36,000 --> 00:51:41,000
Like briefly, I had to take a job at a nursing home just to kind of get by.

737
00:51:41,000 --> 00:51:48,000
And they put me in the Alzheimer's unit because that's what they do to all the new people, in my opinion.

738
00:51:48,000 --> 00:51:53,000
So whenever I would have to go in there, there's this one lady that always, the storm was coming.

739
00:51:53,000 --> 00:51:56,000
She must have grew up out in the prairie.

740
00:51:56,000 --> 00:52:00,000
And she'd always come up and she'd go, get that hay baled right now.

741
00:52:00,000 --> 00:52:01,000
Get it baled.

742
00:52:01,000 --> 00:52:04,000
As storms come in, you can see it over there on the horizon.

743
00:52:04,000 --> 00:52:06,000
You get all that hay before it's ruined.

744
00:52:06,000 --> 00:52:08,000
You hear me, boy?

745
00:52:08,000 --> 00:52:10,000
And I used to be like, what?

746
00:52:10,000 --> 00:52:12,000
And then I heard other people arguing.

747
00:52:12,000 --> 00:52:15,000
There's no hay baled over there, you old dumbass and stuff like that.

748
00:52:15,000 --> 00:52:16,000
So I did the opposite.

749
00:52:16,000 --> 00:52:18,000
I go, yes, ma'am.

750
00:52:18,000 --> 00:52:20,000
I'm going to go over there and get it done right now.

751
00:52:20,000 --> 00:52:22,000
She'd walk off happy.

752
00:52:22,000 --> 00:52:31,000
In her mind, I was a little John boy or whatever, and I was over there bucking hay like she wanted me to.

753
00:52:31,000 --> 00:52:35,000
And the hay was going to be in the barn before the bad storm arrived.

754
00:52:35,000 --> 00:52:46,000
So I can see how this stuff, working with dementia, they might be back in a period of time where they had small children.

755
00:52:46,000 --> 00:52:52,000
And if they keep saying something repeatedly about wanting, hey, where's my baby, you give them one.

756
00:52:52,000 --> 00:52:54,000
And I can see how that would work.

757
00:52:54,000 --> 00:52:56,000
I support this to help her.

758
00:52:56,000 --> 00:53:02,000
But my one suggestion would be, don't send her a life like Dildo.

759
00:53:02,000 --> 00:53:08,000
And next, Saturn rings are set to vanish in a few months.

760
00:53:08,000 --> 00:53:09,000
But don't worry.

761
00:53:09,000 --> 00:53:11,000
Wait, there's more.

762
00:53:11,000 --> 00:53:13,000
It's only temporary.

763
00:53:13,000 --> 00:53:19,000
This is because of the thin rings will be in a tilted position that will make them hidden for a few weeks.

764
00:53:19,000 --> 00:53:24,000
Will be astrometers have their telescopes locked in place already.

765
00:53:24,000 --> 00:53:32,000
Now, with a little luck, perhaps the Saturn vehicle would disappear as well.

766
00:53:32,000 --> 00:53:44,000
So now we go into two, if I could speak right, we go into odd items left in hotel rooms.

767
00:53:44,000 --> 00:53:49,000
This I got this idea, and then I went and I looked it up and did some research of my own.

768
00:53:49,000 --> 00:53:51,000
Thanks to Fox four in Kansas City.

769
00:53:51,000 --> 00:53:56,000
I love their news and I love that they put out odd little stories like this.

770
00:53:56,000 --> 00:53:59,000
I don't think any other newscast in Kansas City does this.

771
00:53:59,000 --> 00:54:08,000
These are little tongue in cheek, funny little things, odd things, generation things like I don't know what zeers do.

772
00:54:08,000 --> 00:54:12,000
Like the other day they had like zeers don't believe in Google.

773
00:54:12,000 --> 00:54:13,000
They do searches.

774
00:54:13,000 --> 00:54:15,000
They don't call it Google like we do.

775
00:54:15,000 --> 00:54:20,000
You know, I always do the thing and it's kind of, you know, I just do it kind of be facetious.

776
00:54:20,000 --> 00:54:27,000
I go Google it or if you know, you know, I'm I know you've heard that with me and Topher doing the NFL cast.

777
00:54:27,000 --> 00:54:29,000
So Google it.

778
00:54:29,000 --> 00:54:34,000
And if you know, you know, are kind of like little tag lines that we use to be kind of smart ass.

779
00:54:34,000 --> 00:54:37,000
You know, like if you don't know something, go Google it.

780
00:54:37,000 --> 00:54:40,000
So anyhow, they don't believe in Google.

781
00:54:40,000 --> 00:54:48,000
Gen Zers don't apparently and maybe younger to they believe in some other search engines or whatever, tick tock or whatever.

782
00:54:48,000 --> 00:54:53,000
So anyhow, these are odd items left at a hotel room.

783
00:54:53,000 --> 00:55:02,000
And I went I did a check and these are like the top 10 of all the different like, you know, I went to the New York Post, got a couple.

784
00:55:02,000 --> 00:55:05,000
I went to the Wall Street Journal and got a couple.

785
00:55:05,000 --> 00:55:10,000
You know, I went around and the reason is I didn't get all of them is because a lot of these overlap.

786
00:55:10,000 --> 00:55:13,000
They were the same with a couple of different ones mixed in.

787
00:55:13,000 --> 00:55:15,000
So that's why that is like that.

788
00:55:15,000 --> 00:55:17,000
So here we go.

789
00:55:17,000 --> 00:55:25,000
A six million dollar watch was left in a hotel room.

790
00:55:25,000 --> 00:55:27,000
As far as I know, it's true.

791
00:55:27,000 --> 00:55:35,000
This was on every list that I read of every website that reported this.

792
00:55:35,000 --> 00:55:37,000
And I guess it was hotels dot com.

793
00:55:37,000 --> 00:55:43,000
Possibly, I think is what was said that started this original article and it went from there.

794
00:55:43,000 --> 00:55:45,000
So I think they would know what they're talking about.

795
00:55:45,000 --> 00:55:47,000
That's their industry.

796
00:55:47,000 --> 00:55:48,000
They know it really well.

797
00:55:48,000 --> 00:55:53,000
So I think I'm tending to believe this right here.

798
00:55:53,000 --> 00:56:03,000
The next was live baby chick as in a small chicken or a small rooster.

799
00:56:03,000 --> 00:56:05,000
I don't know what to think about that one.

800
00:56:05,000 --> 00:56:09,000
I could take that several ways and none of them are good.

801
00:56:09,000 --> 00:56:15,000
So we'll move along from that and you guys think whatever you want and I'll think what I want.

802
00:56:15,000 --> 00:56:19,000
Next one, a pet lizard.

803
00:56:19,000 --> 00:56:20,000
Yep.

804
00:56:20,000 --> 00:56:25,000
I imagine the room cleaner on that one.

805
00:56:25,000 --> 00:56:28,000
Little bastard comes out like starts looking at her little tongue coming out.

806
00:56:28,000 --> 00:56:31,000
They're like, ah, fucking running out there.

807
00:56:31,000 --> 00:56:37,000
I that would be great to see the the whole footage because, you know, they have cameras everywhere they can in the room.

808
00:56:37,000 --> 00:56:43,000
But the whole footage when the cleaning lady or man is running out there screaming, usually cleaning ladies.

809
00:56:43,000 --> 00:56:45,000
Let's face it, men don't claim work the shit.

810
00:56:45,000 --> 00:56:48,000
We don't know how we're not capable of it.

811
00:56:48,000 --> 00:56:54,000
Bottom line, two full leg cats.

812
00:56:54,000 --> 00:57:02,000
So like if you went out and you jumped off a building because you were on heroin and you didn't kill yourself, but you broke both your legs.

813
00:57:02,000 --> 00:57:07,000
These are the two things that you would probably be wearing while in a wheelchair.

814
00:57:07,000 --> 00:57:09,000
Two full leg cats.

815
00:57:09,000 --> 00:57:11,000
I mean, are you trying?

816
00:57:11,000 --> 00:57:15,000
Were you trying to like fool somebody like trying to get out of something or something?

817
00:57:15,000 --> 00:57:16,000
Yeah, I don't know.

818
00:57:16,000 --> 00:57:18,000
And then you put them on and did like a video chat.

819
00:57:18,000 --> 00:57:21,000
Oh, yeah, man, man, my legs are fucked up.

820
00:57:21,000 --> 00:57:22,000
I just cannot make your wedding.

821
00:57:22,000 --> 00:57:24,000
I'm so sorry, man.

822
00:57:24,000 --> 00:57:27,000
You know, I didn't know that that goalie was there and I was riding my bike.

823
00:57:27,000 --> 00:57:29,000
And next thing I know, I'm up in the air.

824
00:57:29,000 --> 00:57:34,000
I'm jumping all over summer salts, stars, ambulance, paramedics.

825
00:57:34,000 --> 00:57:35,000
Big deal.

826
00:57:35,000 --> 00:57:38,000
They shut down the hiking trail for three days.

827
00:57:38,000 --> 00:57:39,000
Blood everywhere.

828
00:57:39,000 --> 00:57:42,000
You know, so anyhow, that's the only thing I can think of.

829
00:57:42,000 --> 00:57:49,000
Why in the hell we'd have two full leg cats unless you're going to go visit your relative that broke both his legs.

830
00:57:49,000 --> 00:57:50,000
Maybe him or her.

831
00:57:50,000 --> 00:57:51,000
I don't know.

832
00:57:51,000 --> 00:57:54,000
Anyhow, the next one is a rice cooker.

833
00:57:54,000 --> 00:57:55,000
I got to be honest.

834
00:57:55,000 --> 00:58:04,000
I kind of see that some people are really particular about their rice.

835
00:58:04,000 --> 00:58:05,000
They like it sticky.

836
00:58:05,000 --> 00:58:06,000
They like it dry.

837
00:58:06,000 --> 00:58:10,000
They like it moist, but not sticky.

838
00:58:10,000 --> 00:58:24,000
They like it with the garlic, you know, so I could kind of see that if if nobody, you know, makes your rice right in that area, you could bring a rice cooker with you and probably cook a little better rice for yourself or maybe just to save money.

839
00:58:24,000 --> 00:58:31,000
You know, it's like, you know, I don't feel like going to all the restaurants around the hotel because they're all inflated prices.

840
00:58:31,000 --> 00:58:41,000
And so I'm just going to bring a rice cooker and I'm going to grab a packet chicken from the neighborhood market and just do it like that.

841
00:58:41,000 --> 00:58:43,000
Maybe maybe it's already cooked chicken.

842
00:58:43,000 --> 00:58:47,000
He is, you know, slice it up and put it in the rice cooker with rice or whatever.

843
00:58:47,000 --> 00:58:49,000
So I could see that one.

844
00:58:49,000 --> 00:58:57,000
The next one, a car tire.

845
00:58:57,000 --> 00:59:03,000
There's a phrase someone's going to steal it.

846
00:59:03,000 --> 00:59:05,000
I don't know.

847
00:59:05,000 --> 00:59:08,000
A car tire.

848
00:59:08,000 --> 00:59:09,000
Okay.

849
00:59:09,000 --> 00:59:12,000
Anyhow, next.

850
00:59:12,000 --> 00:59:14,000
A blender.

851
00:59:14,000 --> 00:59:20,000
A blender. I could see because a lot of people like to make their own special smoothies.

852
00:59:20,000 --> 00:59:29,000
You know, maybe someone likes a mango pineapple, strawberry, banana, kiwi, lime, you know, whatever.

853
00:59:29,000 --> 00:59:35,000
And that's where they like their smoothies and nobody ever makes them like that or they can't find anyone to make them like that.

854
00:59:35,000 --> 00:59:38,000
So they bring their blender and they make their own smoothie in the morning.

855
00:59:38,000 --> 00:59:45,000
Yeah, that's the only thing I could think or maybe someone has or getting dental implants or something.

856
00:59:45,000 --> 00:59:50,000
And maybe that's why they're in town and all they can eat is parade foods.

857
00:59:50,000 --> 00:59:52,000
That could be too.

858
00:59:52,000 --> 00:59:55,000
But a blender, I could kind of see for various reasons.

859
00:59:55,000 --> 01:00:03,000
I just said so the next one is construction pipes.

860
01:00:03,000 --> 01:00:05,000
Honestly, I could see that one too.

861
01:00:05,000 --> 01:00:07,000
And here's why.

862
01:00:07,000 --> 01:00:13,000
Everyone knows, let's listen to whatever podcast it was under this brand.

863
01:00:13,000 --> 01:00:15,000
They know that I used to do construction work.

864
01:00:15,000 --> 01:00:17,000
I used to go out on the road a lot, you know.

865
01:00:17,000 --> 01:00:25,000
So me and a good friend of mine, Steve, were at some, I don't know, Mattoon, Illinois, I believe is what it was.

866
01:00:25,000 --> 01:00:27,000
Mattoon, Illinois.

867
01:00:27,000 --> 01:00:30,000
I think it's like central Illinois, pretty much in the middle.

868
01:00:30,000 --> 01:00:34,000
So we were there putting in a bunch of glass and rails.

869
01:00:34,000 --> 01:00:40,000
And when we got to the hotel that we had to book, it was only one available as a fleabag place.

870
01:00:40,000 --> 01:00:44,000
We pull in with a truck and with all these tools on the back of it.

871
01:00:44,000 --> 01:00:48,000
And suddenly we see this car slow down and start scoping out all our tools.

872
01:00:48,000 --> 01:00:57,000
So probably like then we had to take all the tools off of the truck to make sure they didn't steal them because they were rubber necking on them so bad.

873
01:00:57,000 --> 01:01:02,000
I could see someone going these pipes could be worked quite a bit in metal or whatever or copper or whatever.

874
01:01:02,000 --> 01:01:06,000
And people might have been like slowing down and looking at them, waiting for them, you know.

875
01:01:06,000 --> 01:01:13,000
So I could understand people putting them in there, but leaving them there, forgetting them there, I do not understand.

876
01:01:13,000 --> 01:01:16,000
I don't know unless it's like a big joke or something.

877
01:01:16,000 --> 01:01:19,000
Yeah, so anyhow.

878
01:01:19,000 --> 01:01:21,000
Another one, a voodoo doll.

879
01:01:21,000 --> 01:01:23,000
That's simple.

880
01:01:23,000 --> 01:01:24,000
They bought it.

881
01:01:24,000 --> 01:01:28,000
You know, maybe it wasn't New Orleans, but maybe it was down south.

882
01:01:28,000 --> 01:01:30,000
I mean, they sell voodoo dolls in Memphis.

883
01:01:30,000 --> 01:01:32,000
I found them there on Beale Street.

884
01:01:32,000 --> 01:01:37,000
They sell voodoo dolls in other parts in parts of Mississippi.

885
01:01:37,000 --> 01:01:39,000
I mean, I'm sure they sell them everywhere.

886
01:01:39,000 --> 01:01:44,000
But the point I'm getting here is a voodoo doll is no big deal to buy somewhere.

887
01:01:44,000 --> 01:01:46,000
You just simply forgot it in there.

888
01:01:46,000 --> 01:01:47,000
That's it.

889
01:01:47,000 --> 01:01:49,000
You know, you get home with your suitcases.

890
01:01:49,000 --> 01:01:52,000
You're like, man, where do I leave that voodoo doll?

891
01:01:52,000 --> 01:01:55,000
You know, maybe they call back or maybe like, guys, only eight bucks.

892
01:01:55,000 --> 01:01:56,000
Fuck it.

893
01:01:56,000 --> 01:02:03,000
So this next one, suitcases full of cash.

894
01:02:03,000 --> 01:02:06,000
Well, I mean, if I found this, I'd have to take my 10 percent, right?

895
01:02:06,000 --> 01:02:09,000
I mean, you know, finder's fee, right?

896
01:02:09,000 --> 01:02:13,000
Yeah, yeah, that's that's reasonable.

897
01:02:13,000 --> 01:02:14,000
Ten percent.

898
01:02:14,000 --> 01:02:15,000
I didn't go 20.

899
01:02:15,000 --> 01:02:16,000
I didn't go 30.

900
01:02:16,000 --> 01:02:18,000
I didn't go all out fucking crazy on him.

901
01:02:18,000 --> 01:02:20,000
I just said 10 percent.

902
01:02:20,000 --> 01:02:22,000
You get your money.

903
01:02:22,000 --> 01:02:24,000
If not, I saw nothing.

904
01:02:24,000 --> 01:02:25,000
I went in there.

905
01:02:25,000 --> 01:02:27,000
There was not any suitcases anywhere.

906
01:02:27,000 --> 01:02:30,000
And this should be a lesson to you next time.

907
01:02:30,000 --> 01:02:32,000
Plan better or something.

908
01:02:32,000 --> 01:02:40,000
So anyhow, and then finally, this next one I love a teddy bear stuffed with cash.

909
01:02:40,000 --> 01:02:51,000
Now, that reeks of someone breaking the law somewhere that that just smells of somebody doing wrong doing.

910
01:02:51,000 --> 01:02:55,000
That's like someone going into a bank and get 900.

911
01:02:55,000 --> 01:02:56,000
Let's see.

912
01:02:56,000 --> 01:02:58,000
How much would it be?

913
01:02:58,000 --> 01:03:04,000
One thousand nine hundred ninety nine dollars and ninety eight ninety nine cents.

914
01:03:04,000 --> 01:03:05,000
Right under twenty thousand.

915
01:03:05,000 --> 01:03:07,000
Oh, no, I think it's ten thousand actually.

916
01:03:07,000 --> 01:03:10,000
OK, that's like someone going into a bank and withdrawn.

917
01:03:10,000 --> 01:03:13,000
Nine hundred ninety nine dollars and ninety nine cents.

918
01:03:13,000 --> 01:03:15,000
That doesn't have to be reported.

919
01:03:15,000 --> 01:03:18,000
Ten thousand has to be reported.

920
01:03:18,000 --> 01:03:19,000
And anyhow, I screwed that up.

921
01:03:19,000 --> 01:03:22,000
But anyhow, you guys know what I mean.

922
01:03:22,000 --> 01:03:24,000
Like one penny away from ten thousand.

923
01:03:24,000 --> 01:03:25,000
There you go.

924
01:03:25,000 --> 01:03:28,000
And they go into a bank and they get that out of an account.

925
01:03:28,000 --> 01:03:32,000
Then that doesn't have to be reported at all.

926
01:03:32,000 --> 01:03:37,000
And so so they're like that's this is as suspicious as that would be.

927
01:03:37,000 --> 01:03:42,000
So anyhow, that is the list that I comprise.

928
01:03:42,000 --> 01:03:45,000
I thought of anything that looked interesting at all.

929
01:03:45,000 --> 01:03:47,000
There you go.

930
01:03:47,000 --> 01:03:55,000
Recently, a lot of things have been coming out because I guess it's 25 years since the Sopranos debuted.

931
01:03:55,000 --> 01:03:57,000
Something like that on HBO.

932
01:03:57,000 --> 01:04:04,000
And there's been a lot of hubbub and stuff that really went on that people are finally ready to talk about that they weren't before.

933
01:04:04,000 --> 01:04:10,000
Or maybe someone paid them enough money or they realize there's not going to be a sequel now and they're not going to be in it.

934
01:04:10,000 --> 01:04:11,000
So now they can say whatever.

935
01:04:11,000 --> 01:04:22,000
But this one was interesting because we all know that James Gandolfini had some problems, whether it stemmed from method acting and him being this mob boss or not.

936
01:04:22,000 --> 01:04:24,000
Who knows?

937
01:04:24,000 --> 01:04:28,000
But everyone knows that he had issues and it probably led to his early death.

938
01:04:28,000 --> 01:04:36,000
So medicine mobster Tony Soprano was key to the success of the Sopranos and James James Gandolfini.

939
01:04:36,000 --> 01:04:37,000
He knew it.

940
01:04:37,000 --> 01:04:43,000
You know, enough people went up to him and said, oh, you're the best, you know, or or acted like he was this mob boss or whatever.

941
01:04:43,000 --> 01:04:44,000
You know, so he knew this.

942
01:04:44,000 --> 01:04:46,000
I think anyone did.

943
01:04:46,000 --> 01:04:56,000
The three time Emmy winner once wielded his critical role in the series by daring the network to fire him.

944
01:04:56,000 --> 01:05:08,000
Former HBO CEO Chris Albright says the heated moment came after the actor felt ambushed during an intervention meant to address his struggles with substance abuse.

945
01:05:08,000 --> 01:05:13,000
And this is Albright's quote here.

946
01:05:13,000 --> 01:05:17,000
We did an intervention with him at my apartment in New York.

947
01:05:17,000 --> 01:05:22,000
Albright recalled in the in the new Max.

948
01:05:22,000 --> 01:05:28,000
This would be Cinemax documentary wise guy David Chase and the Sopranos.

949
01:05:28,000 --> 01:05:33,000
That was to try to get him to go to a facility to rehab.

950
01:05:33,000 --> 01:05:36,000
We'd had a lot of friction at that point.

951
01:05:36,000 --> 01:05:42,000
And it was a ruse where I actually told him we're not getting along.

952
01:05:42,000 --> 01:05:44,000
We need to start coming.

953
01:05:44,000 --> 01:05:48,000
We need to come together on some certain things and we need to start getting along.

954
01:05:48,000 --> 01:05:54,000
So when James Gandolfini went to Albright's apartment, it was an intervention.

955
01:05:54,000 --> 01:05:59,000
And so what the big deal was, he threatened all of them to fire him.

956
01:05:59,000 --> 01:06:01,000
And he knew that they couldn't.

957
01:06:01,000 --> 01:06:04,000
So he went out, you know, double barrel fingers.

958
01:06:04,000 --> 01:06:10,000
And, you know, it's too bad he did not listen because he could very well be alive today if he would have listened.

959
01:06:10,000 --> 01:06:13,000
And I commend Albright and these people.

960
01:06:13,000 --> 01:06:17,000
You know, a lot of a lot of Hollywood looks like it's like this.

961
01:06:17,000 --> 01:06:23,000
They'll use you and then as soon as you they can't use you again, they don't care about you and they throw you away.

962
01:06:23,000 --> 01:06:25,000
These people seem to really care about him.

963
01:06:25,000 --> 01:06:26,000
And I commend that.

964
01:06:26,000 --> 01:06:28,000
You know, they're trying to help him.

965
01:06:28,000 --> 01:06:32,000
They weren't trying to take a dump on him like, oh, man, he's just an addict.

966
01:06:32,000 --> 01:06:33,000
None of that stuff.

967
01:06:33,000 --> 01:06:34,000
They're trying to help him.

968
01:06:34,000 --> 01:06:37,000
Unfortunately, James did not see it that way.

969
01:06:37,000 --> 01:06:39,000
And he looked at it as a double cross.

970
01:06:39,000 --> 01:06:44,000
So anyhow, I thought that was an interesting one there.

971
01:06:44,000 --> 01:06:49,000
So this is probably a segment in one of the part of the solo cast that I'm doing.

972
01:06:49,000 --> 01:06:51,000
So I'm not going to say goodbye.

973
01:06:51,000 --> 01:06:54,000
I'm going to say I'm probably you're probably going to hear more after this.

974
01:06:54,000 --> 01:06:58,000
But if you don't hear more after this, then I decided to cut it off right here and call it good.

975
01:06:58,000 --> 01:07:01,000
So anyhow, I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

976
01:07:01,000 --> 01:07:06,000
All right. Oh, no, looks like the show's over.

977
01:07:06,000 --> 01:07:11,000
Kids Mark has explosive diarrhea and can't afford a wireless mic.

978
01:07:11,000 --> 01:07:13,000
Fear not, assholes.

979
01:07:13,000 --> 01:07:15,000
They'll be back invading your ear holes soon.