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The apocalypse just happened. You don't know what to do. You don't know where to go. But we can tell you what you can eat.
Garlic mustard could and should be a go-to food during an apocalypse.
Garlic mustard is plentiful everywhere. It is actually an invasive weed.
But it can be very delicious and easily taken from about any pasture.
Garlic mustard can be stewed or even pan-fried for delicious taste.
It can also be added to other ingredients, whether it's a salad or any other type of food to enhance it.
Garlic mustard should be a go-to staple during the apocalypse.
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First world problems.
My driver's license picture makes me look older. I'm calling a lawyer.
Oh shit, what's that over there? Oh no, it's the island of horrible jokes.
Ugh!
Why did the melons not get married? Because they can't elope.
Hello.
Hey there. Welcome to Mark's SoloCast.
Anyhow, I mean, I don't know what to say about Rob.
I hope he gets some help. And above all, his health is what I'm more worried about than anything else.
I mean, he really needs to get this thing figured out.
Because it is obviously causing him a lot of torment and whatever else.
So all I gotta say is I have well wishes for Rob.
And I'm still yet to talk to him.
You know, if he says the right things, I'm open.
But we're going to have a new set of rules next time around.
I know I didn't have to post that last podcast, but I thought it was important.
I wanted Rob to hear it and to hear just exactly how bad it was.
So we'll see. It's all up to him. I'm not dogging him, man. I love the guy. I've known him a long time.
And I wish him a lot of luck and a lot of courage.
So we shall see what happens. And that's all I got on that.
So all right. On my solo cast, first thing I wanted to do was bring up millennial foods.
Boomers know nothing about most these foods. They don't know anything about.
They don't even know they exist.
And it's pretty interesting to just to hear what they are, because some of this stuff, some of it I knew existed.
I didn't know exactly what it was, but a lot of this I didn't know was around.
So we'll start off with the youngsters are all about Sriracha on everything.
Let's face it, though, most boomers have reflux anyhow.
So even if they did know about it, they couldn't have it regularly.
I'm an exer and I can't have it regularly. You know, I got GERD. GERD sucks.
I still smoke my cigars. That would probably help if I quit.
But you know what? I go back to none of us are perfect. We all have our vices.
All right. The second one that I'd like to cover here is avocado toast.
I've even tried it. I don't see the big deal myself,
but possibly the healthier way of eating is the main reason that they go to avocado toast.
Not like it's this angelic whatever that tastes so fantastic that you can't put it down.
But the fact is it serves as toast, but it's a lot healthier for you than regular toast with all the grains and all that.
So, you know, the boomers, they only know white or wheat toast, and that's it.
And I remember with my good friend Bob, who since passed away,
I mean, he used to have kind of a dilemma on whether it's like white or wheat.
I mean, I, you know, if he was still around, I'd be like, hey, you want to try avocado toast?
You probably throw the plate at me. But anyhow, love the guy.
Anyhow, great guy.
Uhhh, kombucha is a fizzy fermented tea that is taken the health world by storms
made by fermenting tea with a symbiotic culture of bacteria and yeast.
This is mainly because of its probiotic effects.
I'm betting a lot of millennials don't drink that garbage when no one is around.
I think it's a fad. I think it's a thing to look cool. I think it's a thing to status.
I mean, we all did this, you know.
You know, me and my buddies used to drink the most rancid things around like nitrate and stuff because it was a status thing.
It's like, those guys are bad boys. Look at them. They're drinking nitrate.
That stuff's like liquid car battery acid or something, you know.
So I believe that this is a catch, you know, a peacock, whatever you want to call it.
It is a gimmick.
And I believe that most people probably don't like this garbage.
But they want to look cool. They want to look like they know everything.
You know, they'll do it.
Kombucha, oh, I love this stuff. Oh my God.
I had four cups of it yesterday. Couldn't put it down.
Bullshit. That's what I'm saying. I'm calling bullshit on it.
I don't think anyone likes kombucha. I think it's all a lie.
It's just like kale. Nobody likes kale. Me and Topher went through this so many times.
Kale is a lie.
In my opinion, of course, all this is allegedly.
But kale was the first guy that found kale. He thought it was so horrible.
He's like, hey, let's play a joke on everybody. Let's put some of this shit out.
And, you know, and let's see if the American public, you know, they'll probably go, oh, God.
But idiots started falling for it. So now they sell it.
So, yeah, kombucha is liquid kale in my book.
Next one. Zoodles, which is zucchini noodles.
I'm thinking why on God's green earth would you take a perfect food like pasta and ruin it with a plant?
Zucchini. I mean, not just a vegetable, but vegetables. Very good for you.
I. Yeah, I'm kind of disoriented over that whole thing.
That. Yeah. Yeah. You know what? I'm gonna get off that.
That probably raised my blood pressure. You don't dare do pasta like that.
All right. Next.
Acai bowls.
Or a sea bowls. I've heard it called both ways, acai and a sea.
I think the correct might be a sea, but I'm not for sure. I never looked it up.
So anyhow, acai bowls.
These are a colorful nutrient packed breakfast option made from blended acai berries, usually mixed with other fruits.
You know, me, I'm looking at this. This is an option as a side, but not a main course.
You know, any type of fruit or anything that's not to me, that's not a main course.
That's like a hmm. I'm still a little bit hungry. Give me some acai bowl.
Yeah, I'll eat some of that. Go back to my oatmeal or whatever.
You know, so to me, acai meals or acai bowls are a side meal.
I mean, they're there with whatever your main courses.
So anyhow, I'm like with a bacon and eggs. Give me a side bowl. I might be a little bit hungry.
There's not a whole lot of eggs here. So anyhow, next one in this stuff is rancid looking and I'll bet you anything.
I've never tried it, but I'll bet you it is horrible.
Charcoal ice cream.
Recognized by its black color, this ice cream is made with activated charcoal,
which is often derived from coconut shells or bamboo, which I didn't know.
That's interesting. Charcoal that you buy like Kingsford or whatever
is often made from coconut shells or bamboo shells.
I just find that insane. So anyhow, pretty cool.
This is more of a novelty, but if you really want to get crazy as a
ask for a side of charcoal fluid with your charcoal ice cream.
That's what I say. You know, nothing but a joke.
The fluid will kill you. Do not try this ever.
So anyhow, and also I said just ask for it. I didn't say take it.
See look on their face.
All right.
Next one.
Kimchi tacos, a fusion of Korean and Mexican cuisine, fermented flavors of
kimchi with traditional taco ingredients.
Layers of crunchy tacos with the vegetable accompanied with fermented
tangy flavors of kimchi, usually topped with Sriracha sauce.
There's that Sriracha again and pickled vegetables.
Again, why take a perfect food and destroy it with garbage?
The taco is perfect like it is. Leave it the hell alone.
A poor taco is defenseless.
You should not pervert and destroy the taco.
The taco is an institution in Americana.
The taco is ingrained in our society. Why mess with it?
Leave it alone. It's a perfect food as it is.
Anyhow.
All right. Again, my blood pressure.
Plant based meat alternatives such as plant based beef and chicken.
You know, I do like some of it, but I'm worried about the process of making
this product and the ingredients to me are questionable from what I read on them.
You know, you don't want to kill animals.
I'm in. I get it.
But for healthy reasons, maybe you need to do a check on it.
I'm not saying it isn't unhealthy.
I'm just saying some of the stuff that's in there, I have no idea what the hell it is in the process to make it.
So I don't know.
But I do not. I do get not killing animals because look, man, I've been around cows all my life.
Goats, all this stuff.
They all have personalities.
They're all loving creatures.
And, you know, when when my family when I was younger, we went to Arkansas for a while and we had some cows.
And I don't see how people can look them in the eye and go, we're going to eat you, you know, and think we're going to eat you next week.
The cows recognize you when you come out.
They're loving. They run up to you. I mean, they're kind of like horses.
Horses are the same way.
You know, they recognize you, they throw they show you love.
So if you're if you're doing this plant based stuff to save animals, God bless you.
I get it. I get it.
Because I don't like killing animals either.
But then again, I love steak.
I love hamburger.
So anyhow, next one overnight oats.
This is prepared by soaking oats in milk or yogurt overnight.
This is a great idea, actually.
And I'm going to try it.
The oats absorb the milk or yogurt and develop a creamy consistency, kind of cream of wheat fashion.
I like this.
I think I'm going to try it.
Like I said, I bet this was discovered by accident.
So we had to leave quickly and put their oats with yogurt in the fridge.
They come back the next day and are like, oh, my God, this is like it's kind of like cream of wheat.
This is great.
I'm betting anything that that's how it was.
But I can't prove it unless the inventor steps forward and goes, yeah, yeah, I did this by accident or whatever.
All right. The next one poke bowls or poke.
I've heard it called both ways.
I don't know which way it's supposed to be pronounced, but I think everyone knows poke or poke.
This dish brings together raw fish, usually tuna or salmon topped over rice and greens with topping like avocado, cucumber and seaweed.
That is a solid hell no from me.
Rice is a great food.
Avocado, I like cucumber is good.
Seaweed. No, no, no, no.
But why why why destroy rice with raw pieces of fish?
Anyhow.
All right. Next matcha lattes.
Finely ground green tea powdered whisked with steamed milk.
I tried this, but still prefer coffee.
I thought it was good, but nothing great.
I don't know what the big crazy fervor is about it or anything like that.
I, you know, I just don't.
I thought it was good, but it's not something certainly not something I'm going to strive to go find somewhere.
I'd rather go find a good ice latte somewhere or a good pour over or a good Americana, but not matcha lattes.
They're OK to me.
So the versatile grain alternative quinoa is packed with protein and fiber.
It has a nutty flavor and a slightly chewy texture full of amino acids.
It's a healthy alternative to grains.
I don't have an opinion on this. I really I know.
Sounds good. I can't.
I think I might have tried a long time ago and was like, OK, whatever.
If I tried it, it wasn't memorable.
So anyhow, you know, quinoa is supposed to be so good for you.
So, OK, there you go.
I think people will like it.
And that's about where it stays right there.
So let's go into a few stories here while I'm here.
Over the weekend, a claymore mine was found inside a home in Kansas City, Kansas.
The owners don't have a clue where the old mine came from.
Now, remember, a month ago, the home and independence and other part of Kansas City Metroplex,
a home found in old Korean war, more mortar mortar in its attic.
You know, I'm thinking is there some sort of weapon pied piper going around Kansas City
that's going around hiding all artillery and houses and addicts and what have you.
I mean, they could always do a Kansas City.
We are the unexploded bomb capital, the world special, you know, you know, if I was a survivalist,
I would ask homes in Kansas City be able to search their addicts for free.
I mean, yeah, think of all the weapons you come up with evidently.
I mean, you know, like old Korean artillery shells and old claymore mines.
So who knows where it came from or whatever, but they got it.
And so hopefully some little kid doesn't try to chew on it and blows up.
Next, an irate New York man allegedly stole a tow truck
and damaged multiple cars in Sunset Park Friday morning when he saw his vehicle being towed.
Authorities said the man sideswiped several vehicles as he took off with the tow truck,
which also had his truck hitched to it.
Police said the chaotic incident happened on 52nd Street between 1st and 2nd avenues
as the tow truck driver tried to seize a man's vehicle.
So, I mean, did the guy get out of the car, the tow truck driver that was seizing the property back, the car back?
Did he get out of the vehicle, I guess?
And then the guy who was having his car repo jumped in it.
I don't quite understand what happened and the article didn't explain it very well.
So, I mean, I don't...
I don't know. I mean, about the only thing.
I mean, unless he took and grabbed the guy and threw him to the ground and jumped in it,
I mean, I guess that could have happened too.
But it doesn't say anything about anyone being assaulted.
So, you know, I don't quite know how it happened.
The suspect is still at large, so a guy jumps into a tow truck, I guess,
while the driver is hitching up the truck that belonged to the alleged truck rampage guy.
He goes on a rage, smashing cars and vehicles along the road.
How does a guy get away after doing that?
You know, he's in this huge vehicle with a car attached to him and he got away?
I mean, and this is after he sideswiped and the guy that was driving the truck, he's out there.
You know, he's probably calling 911 and going,
Hey, you know, this guy grabbed my vehicle and took off and is smashing cars everywhere.
So, how the hell he got out of there and not being caught is surprising me,
unless he stopped a block away and ran off by foot.
But then again, the article does not say that, so I don't know for sure.
Other than that, I don't really have a clue how in the hell he did this.
So anyhow, you know, especially in a heavy populated area.
You know, I think we should just be happy his plane tickets weren't canceled.
Many chimneys would be missing if they did.
So anyhow, that, you know, OK, interesting.
I took a look tomorrow morning.
Topher and I are going to be at the city market or river market, if you will, whatever you want to call it.
It's called by both here in Kansas City, the historic River Market District.
And we're going to be doing our going over our football picks and making our predictions for next week.
All I can say is I'm glad I didn't bet. My picks are horrible.
I couldn't have done worse if I was trying to do worse.
Just about every theory I had went to hell.
There's a couple of them that I was I did kind of hit on, but there's a lot of them that I missed completely.
So, I mean, you know, if it was a dark game, I wouldn't have even hit the board.
So anyhow, Topher did a little bit better than I did.
But anyhow, I mean, you know, the Bills played pretty well.
I didn't I thought that was going to be the upset of the week.
But the Patriots beat the Bengals.
The hapless Patriots, they really have nobody have Jacobi Brissette as quarterback.
And they have a May Derek May, I think it is as the his underling that is supposed to be learning from him.
I don't know how good Derek May looks like he is if they don't think he's ready yet or if they think he's a answer.
And but they have Jacobi Brissette playing who was an average quarterback.
He's pretty much a backup quarterback.
I mean, after he left New England the first time, you know, he was a backup.
He went and I think he I think he started from a maybe Indianapolis, maybe the Colts.
And then it was determined pretty much.
I think there's another team involved in there, too, after or before the Colts.
And he just really he he pretty much proved himself as a solid backup quarterback.
I mean, hey, I take him on on the Chiefs team.
I mean, Carson Wentz, I guess, is probably I don't know.
He might be better. I don't know.
I it just depends. I mean, I don't want my homes to get hurt.
But if he ever does, I want that guy to be able to jump in there and Carson Wentz could be the guy.
But I don't know, man, he might have had his what would you call it?
His confidence, maybe his confidence level may be lower.
Maybe Reed and the homes can work on him.
And if that's what the problem is, get his confidence level up.
Because when he first came out and he went to Philadelphia, he had a great pass.
He was doing well. He got injured.
And and anyhow, he really hadn't been the same after he'd been injured.
You know, Nick Foles came in, did a great job and eventually took them to the Super Bowl and won the Super Bowl.
So Nick Foles just went on a rampage out of nowhere.
He's another backup quarterback, but he did well.
So Jacoby Brissette is good enough for any team to be a backup.
But I think the Patriots, I think what they're doing is they are grooming him to groom Derrick May.
Derrick May is their draft choice, and they think he's going to be an excellent quarterback.
And they want him tutored under Jacoby Brissette, from what I can tell.
So that's remain and be seen.
So this is the first segment of the podcast you will hear whenever I release this.
This is a Mark Solo cast. I hope you guys like it.
The format is going to be the same after this.
You're going to get all the little wizards and little liners and all that stuff.
And you know, your mom is so fat, you know, and you know, pick up lines from a loser and what have you.
So the only stuff I'm not going to use is the Rob Rad stuff,
because I don't know if he's going to be officially a part of this program anymore or not.
That's remain and be seen.
And I'm not comfortable putting him on there if he's not going to be on it.
So anyhow, there you guys go.
I hope this first segment since the podcast that really, really blew up and sucked.
I hope it's a good one.
I hope it finds everybody well.
And I hope everybody is doing fantastic health wise, mentally and financially.
Love to all you guys.
We have a lot of listeners and I appreciate every one of you.
This has been a labor of love since the first day.
Like I said, I've always admired these morning programs.
And this is nothing more than a very primitive, very low budget salute to that type of radio, which is dead now.
And I mean, certain types of people will love this.
A lot of people will not. And I know this.
But that is why, you know, I mean, anyone can give you the they can give you this political talk and be much better at it.
I have my opinions. I know what they are.
They're not for sale, you know.
But at the same time, I don't feel that I'm a good enough person to explain to you everything going on and explain to you correctly.
So I've never looked at doing that.
Sportsmen Topher doing a sports show.
I can deliver a lot of that with with some knowledge and feel pretty comfortable about coming out with a pretty good program with it.
And I hope everybody enjoys Topher and I's NFL cast or whatever, you know, NFL podcast.
So anyhow, I'm going to get off here, like I promised.
And everybody, thank you. Have a fantastic evening.
This is just a little test run. Here is what it is.
And we'll see how well it does. I might throw another segment on here.
I might not. It may just be on its own.
We don't know. Or we as in me, myself and I, I guess.
So, all right. Have a good night, everybody.
Hey, fellas, remember to wipe away from the twins.
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Jam X. What the hell happened?
You were the generation of change.
You never wanted to be one of them. At the theater.
Spoke for you.
Hunk the man. Hunk the system.
What the hell happened?
The generation of angst.
The generation of noncompliance.
Is now buying a boat.
You're really fed up to kill someone dangled a dollar near you.
Great job, Xers. Everything's ruined.
Have you ever wondered where something came about?
Have you ever looked at something and said,
Hmm, I wonder what the origin of that is?
So have we. That's why we give you The Origin of.
The origin of the nose ring.
The middle-east is the birthplace of the nostril ring,
piercing, tracking back 4,000 years.
Nostrils were held as a status of upper class if they were pierced with a ring.
You watched the news. It was grim.
As is an apocalypse inevitable, we suggest you download all our podcasts beforehand
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We have the posts of apocalypse.
Make sure and have plenty of rope, strong, threaded, durable rope,
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You need to know basic knots so you can go to the library
and download the Boy Scouts Handbook
and have a reference to slip knots and other essential rope tricks.
Rope can be used in traps to catch food or would-be predators.
Rope is a key ingredient in post-apocalypse survival.
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It's been proven in laboratory rats to relax your anal canal.
Get in cover.
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You're just in time for brand new feature news nobody gives a shit about.
A man in Spain has collected over 3,470 cell phones.
Hello and welcome to the second segment of the SoloCast.
This is Mark, of course.
What I'm going to do now is horror stories.
Since I'm doing these generation things, a lot of our podcasts,
we're doing generation stuff.
So this is what Generation Xers tell their horror stories about growing up
and what boomers would let them or have them do.
So I started to get into some of this on the last podcast,
but Rob wasn't complying very well, so only got one in.
So anyhow, this guy said,
Remember how there used to be half-sized cans of beer?
My dad would give me a mini Budweiser to settle me down.
This was ages 3, 4.
I tell people I quit drinking when I started kindergarten
and didn't begin again until college.
Another one, wrote,
My boomer mother thought it was hilarious to mercifully mock anything I liked,
no matter how harmless.
Not just to me, but to anybody around.
She basically embarrassed me out of liking so many things
until I finally developed a fuck you.
I won't let you spoil this for me attitude about,
I never had that, but okay, alright, whatever.
Another one, my parents had really terrible ideas about safety.
We'd take big family vacations in the station wagon
and I'd sit on the flat part in the back, wedged by the suitcases.
I know I already told this on the last podcast,
but I'm doing it again in case someone didn't hear it.
I spent most of the trip throwing up because there was no cushioning or seating,
so I'd feel every vibration and bump in the road.
No seatbelt, nothing, just me wedged next to a suitcase.
I probably had something like that happen, I don't quite remember.
So, next one, didn't have offense,
so I was 3 and playing in the street while she was watching General Hospital,
she as in her mom.
When she would send us off to dad's or two weeks at the beginning of summer
and two weeks at the end of summer,
my dad and stepmom just continued to go to work every day
like they didn't have a 6 year old and an 8 year old at home
with her two kids who were about the same age.
Of course the older kids eventually got into the liquor
and we snuck next door to go swimming at the neighbor's house and nobody was home.
We had no adult supervision, 90% of our childhood.
Well, you know what, when I was growing up, when I was much younger,
I mean like 5, 6, 7, I lived in Northeast Kansas City
and the entire block of Kensington, and I forgot the side, the other road,
but that entire block of Kensington, everybody knew where everybody's kids were,
everyone kept an eye on them, we played all around the block.
Believe me, whenever we did something stupid, one of the parents would catch it
and they would tell all the parents, you know, so we'd get in trouble.
So I don't know, you know, it doesn't sound like anything like that is going on here,
but I can tell you right now, sometimes you think there's no policing going on,
but there really is.
I had an aunt that would stop by the Alton's restaurant and have me run in
and buy her a pack of us out of the cigarette vending machine.
I still can't believe they ever had those.
I think they still have one in Anthony's restaurant in Kansas City,
Anthony's on Grand, which is a fantastic Italian restaurant, I love it.
I don't know if it still works, but I'm pretty sure they still have one.
At bedtime, my father would come into my brother's and my bedroom
and make patterns in the dark with lit cigarettes.
Next one, OMG.
I remember my dad occasionally taking me and my brother to smoky pool halls on Saturdays
so he could play a few games and have a couple of beers before he did the errands.
He was running for my mom, the errands for my mom, sorry.
I guess she never questioned why we all smelled like smoke
and why we came home hours later, because my dad smoked with us in the truck anyway.
So I'm guessing she just thought he was smoking.
Next one, drove three kids around in a car with a hole in the floor,
large enough for us to fall through.
A buddy of mine used to own a truck like that,
and a lot of times people would almost get their foot caught in it
and pretty much shrug off.
Luckily I didn't see anybody's foot being penciled off on pavement.
He had a big hole, and his answer was to put a bunch of license plates and layers of carpet.
It did work though, but the problem is he sold it
and the person didn't know there was a hole in the floorboard.
So I imagine someday they're in their vacuuming out and going,
what the hell is this?
Probably pretty mad, so anyhow.
Next one, drove three kids around in a car with a hole in the floor,
large enough, you know what, alright.
I think I'm getting tired, it's getting pretty late.
After breakfast, mom would kick me outside
and tell me not to come home until the street lights came on.
That was pretty much, that was everybody.
I mean, I do believe.
This goes back to the police scene by all the parents,
looking out their front and back windows and finding out where we all were
and then calling the other one up and saying,
hey, they're here, they're here, they're here.
Next, my parents were by the hideous smelling flea poison at the vet for a Rottweiler.
It had to be diluted with water.
I guess my mother whipped up a gallon of this concoction in an old milk gallon.
It was a white liquid.
She put it in the refrigerator in the milk gallon.
She did not mark the container in any way
or in order to differentiate it from any ordinary gallon of milk.
Now, I ate cereal every morning for breakfast.
I'm guessing you can figure out easily what happened next.
But unbelievably, my mother did not foresee that.
That I would pour this flea poison into my cereal and eat it.
I told her that I was pretty silly because it had, it has a smell.
Didn't I notice a smell?
Boy, what a dumb kid.
She sent me off to day camp with a box of Tic Tacs
to help mellow the terrible aftertaste in my mouth.
I think of this often.
It always seemed very fucked up.
Even more so now that I'm a parent.
Luckily, I only took one bite.
I can still taste it.
Next one.
My stepdad thought he was being an awesome dad
when he gave me a free fat bag of weed when I was 14.
I didn't smoke weed then.
When I asked what I should do with it,
he said I could sell it or trade it.
I have two boys of my own now,
and I'm upbringing was just so different.
And what the normal for us in retrospect
was not the normal remotely for anybody.
Next one.
We had to be seven years old to get our own lighter
for lighting off fireworks, unsupervised for weeks,
leading up to the 4th of July.
Yeah, you know what?
We used to have bottle rocket wars
and just nail each other in the face.
And I'm surprised nobody got their eye taken out
or got seriously injured.
That could have been where my tinnitus started,
for all I know.
There might have been fireworks that exploded right above my head
and screwed up my inner ear.
But yeah.
Yeah, we all...
We all shot bottle rockets at each other,
nobody noticed or didn't care.
Well, I think they cared.
They just didn't know we were doing it.
My dad used to pull my sled with a rope behind the car.
Same car was diesel,
and my dad would drive ahead of me
about 5 to 10 feet of clearance
while helping me train for cross country.
Yeah, my dad was rolling coal on me
from high school to college.
Yeah, okay.
Who cares about that one?
I'm sorry I wasted your time with that one.
That was stupid.
Next one.
My mom loved to tell me the story of how when I was an infant,
they stuck me in my car seat
between their golf clubs in the back of the golf cart.
Me and my car seat popped out on the fairway,
and they didn't notice until the next hole.
If I remember correctly,
the story is an extension about what a good baby I was.
I guess I was just lucky to have a car seat
they actually buckled me into.
Next one.
I still remember a six-hour drive to see family,
where me and my brother were in the bed of a pickup
with a luggage and two black labs.
We had couch cushions to lay on at least,
but there was a topper on the bed.
Oh, it was summer too, high 90s.
They did let us crack the side window for some air.
And lastly,
my high school had a smoking area for students grade 9 through 12.
I remember they used to have the side windows a little...
They're almost like triangle looking,
and they're little bitty windows
that were right next to your big window.
You'd open them up and they'd whistle just a really weird, loud whistle.
And it used to really bother me, that shrillness.
But anyhow, it was like no one ever wanted to open their windows down back then.
I don't know why.
They thought we were going to fall out or something,
but it was like no air conditioning in the car.
Nobody really had air conditioning in the car.
I think Cadillacs did back then,
but no one else had them.
Unless you had a Cadillac, we definitely couldn't afford one.
It was this little side window,
but they would never roll the main window down,
which drove me nuts because I'd just sit back there hotter than hell.
So anyhow,
alright.
That's going to be it for now.
I'm probably going to record another segment like this tomorrow.
As much fun as an electric can opener to the scrotum.
Two douchebags and a microphone.
Attention! Attention!
Columbus, Ohio!
You guys walk.
Two douchebags and microphones salute you.
Thank you for listening.
Oh shit, what's that over there?
Oh no, this island of horrible jokes.
I asked my date to meet me at the gym.
She didn't show up.
I guess we're not going to work out.
And now, deep thoughts with Mark.
So, if I have a glass of ice water,
and the ice melts into the water,
is my water then watered down?
Hm.
I may never know.
Hello, this is Satan.
You might know me from my pet name, Inflation.
I'm here to tell you that there's no better way to relax than
listening to two douchebags and microphone
by a nice warm fire at night.
I sit there and I reflect on all the souls I burned that day.
I'm here to tell you that there's no better way to relax than
listening to two douchebags and microphone by a nice warm fire at night.
I sit there and I reflect on all the souls I burned that day.
Enjoy.
Your mom is so old, she walked out of the museum and the alarm went off.
Two douchebags and a microphone invade your ear holes and...
Hey, who took a dump in the cooler?
It really hurts. Who can afford plastic surgery?
Stay safe, everyone.
So, Locast.
Day two.
Action.
A family member may or may not have bought some rolling papers,
but if they did, it's legal in Missouri.
I looked over on the coffee table and there is a pack of rolling papers
with John Denver on the package.
John Denver has been dead probably 25 years or so.
He died in a plane wreck.
He was the only occupant, so he was driving, you know, he was flying the plane.
And like always, you know, they either are too tired
or, you know, got disoriented.
He was something, he sped down and crashed, I believe, really close to the ocean.
And anyhow, and it was very sad.
He was a very good performer. A lot of people liked him, including me.
I mean, I like some of his stuff, you know.
He was good.
He wasn't my main music, but I could enjoy his stuff.
So, now my thing is this.
John Denver on a pack of rolling papers?
I could just imagine, you know, being smashed out of your gourd
and looking down at your papers and seeing John Denver.
I mean, if that's a gag, it's a damn fine one.
I just could not imagine like a couple of people smashed out of their gourd like Cheech and Chong.
And one of them goes, dude, is that John Denver?
Uh, hang on, hang on, hang on.
Uh, I think so.
What's he doing on your rolling papers?
Fuck, I don't know.
I mean, it's funny.
I mean, did the, I guess like his family or his estate would have had a signed off on that, right?
I mean, if you know anything about this and the reasoning,
you know, like if they just wanted to make some extra money in his name
and some pack of paper, you know, that manufactures the rolling papers,
came to them and said, hey, we'd like to have John Denver's image on this.
And they just did it for extra money.
So, um, please give me an email.
DoucheB66 at Yahoo.com.
Haters, hate away.
Send them in.
Like I say with the one with Topher, we love hate email.
I thrive on it.
It warms my cold heart.
I love it.
You know, I guess this kind of means a little bit more meaning to the song, Rocky Mountain High.
Maybe.
They should have put that on the papers, actually.
On the back of it on the front should have been John Denver like that, you know,
then on the back it should have said Rocky Mountain High.
Now that would have been really fucking cool.
So anyhow, anyhow, Ryan Seacrest first show as new host to Wheel of Fortune aired tonight.
I thought it was rather boring.
Pat Sajak kept people on their toes with his quick wit.
Seacrest is not a quick wit guy.
Now he's very talented.
He's very talented without a doubt.
But I'm not sure if this is a type of show that people will respond to that coming out and going,
you know, he's the guy that goes, this is American Idol.
He works on that.
But on a quick witted show where you got to keep people entertained constantly
and kind of have a little banter about something or someone says something
and Pat used to, you know, take it into something else.
I mean, just little quick quips that he was so good at.
Not very many people have that quick of wit like him.
And whenever it's done right, it's genius.
And either people are going to have to get used to Ryan Seacrest's.
To me, I mean, he's good, but to me he's rather boring.
They're going to have to get used to Ryan Seacrest's more subtle.
To me, boring is all I can really think of.
I mean, I like him, but this boring style,
they're either going to have to get used to that
or they're going to have to figure out something else in my opinion.
I don't think it's working right now.
But there are only a few games into the new season
or actually one game into the new, one of the game into the new season.
And actually to be complete, you know, just to let you guys all know here,
okay, this is a couple of days after I wrote this out.
So actually we are about three game shows into the new season
with Ryan Seacrest debuting.
So it may very well get better.
Maybe they might write a couple of puns for him.
Maybe we'll edit until he has something funny,
which would probably take a long time,
but you know what, we'll find out.
You know, I bet it flies better than Tom Brady's first game actually.
Topher, he said it best.
He was doing the old calling.
Every player by their nickname reminded us that he played.
That is so true.
It's kind of like a peacocking thing.
He wants you to know that he played football
and he knows all of these guys personally.
And before he went to the booth,
he was down there chumming around with them in the locker room.
You know, hey, hey, hey, Nick, what's going on, man?
Not much, man.
We're getting ready for these guys, man.
We're ready for them.
And then, you know, whether he did or not, who knows.
But he wants to kind of let you know that he's a player and he used to play.
And in my opinion, he wanted to kind of let everyone know
that he's smarter about the game than everybody.
Maybe when you're on the field, in the booth, completely different.
And I mean, I think anyone could imagine completely different in the booth.
This is where you have to keep everything going,
but not be redundant, boring, or act like you're a homer.
I mean, that was the one thing.
I love Howard Cosell.
He was great.
He changed broadcasting and sports.
But he was a homer sometimes, enough to where it made you want to vomit.
And I mean, he, anyhow, I'll get off of him because, you know what,
he's passed and he was great, but he had some flaws, I do believe.
So anyhow, he'd call them by their nicknames.
He rambled on about the obvious.
He went on about how hard the NFL is.
And CBS, I'm sure they paid a fortune for this promo they came up with,
for him that a kid that seemed starstruck when he met Tom Brady.
You know, I bet Tom felt more deflated than his footballs after this game.
All right.
And moving right along.
Kelly Cunningham has always wanted to be a mother, but without a bae of her own.
And actually, it should say baby.
And if it was a bae, like B-A-E is spelled wrong, B-A-Y, that is a typo on me.
So I apologize.
Kelly Cunningham has always wanted to be a mother, but without a baby of her own.
The New York native is breastfeeding her dolls.
The suburban resident bought a reborn doll for her 27th birthday
and says she quickly felt her natural instincts to kick in.
She stated, I couldn't help but care for Jennifer like a real child.
She went on, my dad explained to me it was normal to have that desire to be a parent.
Now that I'm in my late 20s, so I don't really question my love for these dolls,
Stacey Cunningham, reborn dolls are known to be used as a form of therapy
to provide a sense of connection for people struggling with infertility issues,
infant loss, or even dementia.
I think it would be great with dementia because a lot of people with dementia,
and Alzheimer's too, they go back to their younger years.
And it looks like they're there.
I mean, they think they're there.
Like briefly, I had to take a job at a nursing home just to kind of get by.
And they put me in the Alzheimer's unit because that's what they do to all the new people, in my opinion.
So whenever I would have to go in there, there's this one lady that always, the storm was coming.
She must have grew up out in the prairie.
And she'd always come up and she'd go, get that hay baled right now.
Get it baled.
As storms come in, you can see it over there on the horizon.
You get all that hay before it's ruined.
You hear me, boy?
And I used to be like, what?
And then I heard other people arguing.
There's no hay baled over there, you old dumbass and stuff like that.
So I did the opposite.
I go, yes, ma'am.
I'm going to go over there and get it done right now.
She'd walk off happy.
In her mind, I was a little John boy or whatever, and I was over there bucking hay like she wanted me to.
And the hay was going to be in the barn before the bad storm arrived.
So I can see how this stuff, working with dementia, they might be back in a period of time where they had small children.
And if they keep saying something repeatedly about wanting, hey, where's my baby, you give them one.
And I can see how that would work.
I support this to help her.
But my one suggestion would be, don't send her a life like Dildo.
And next, Saturn rings are set to vanish in a few months.
But don't worry.
Wait, there's more.
It's only temporary.
This is because of the thin rings will be in a tilted position that will make them hidden for a few weeks.
Will be astrometers have their telescopes locked in place already.
Now, with a little luck, perhaps the Saturn vehicle would disappear as well.
So now we go into two, if I could speak right, we go into odd items left in hotel rooms.
This I got this idea, and then I went and I looked it up and did some research of my own.
Thanks to Fox four in Kansas City.
I love their news and I love that they put out odd little stories like this.
I don't think any other newscast in Kansas City does this.
These are little tongue in cheek, funny little things, odd things, generation things like I don't know what zeers do.
Like the other day they had like zeers don't believe in Google.
They do searches.
They don't call it Google like we do.
You know, I always do the thing and it's kind of, you know, I just do it kind of be facetious.
I go Google it or if you know, you know, I'm I know you've heard that with me and Topher doing the NFL cast.
So Google it.
And if you know, you know, are kind of like little tag lines that we use to be kind of smart ass.
You know, like if you don't know something, go Google it.
So anyhow, they don't believe in Google.
Gen Zers don't apparently and maybe younger to they believe in some other search engines or whatever, tick tock or whatever.
So anyhow, these are odd items left at a hotel room.
And I went I did a check and these are like the top 10 of all the different like, you know, I went to the New York Post, got a couple.
I went to the Wall Street Journal and got a couple.
You know, I went around and the reason is I didn't get all of them is because a lot of these overlap.
They were the same with a couple of different ones mixed in.
So that's why that is like that.
So here we go.
A six million dollar watch was left in a hotel room.
As far as I know, it's true.
This was on every list that I read of every website that reported this.
And I guess it was hotels dot com.
Possibly, I think is what was said that started this original article and it went from there.
So I think they would know what they're talking about.
That's their industry.
They know it really well.
So I think I'm tending to believe this right here.
The next was live baby chick as in a small chicken or a small rooster.
I don't know what to think about that one.
I could take that several ways and none of them are good.
So we'll move along from that and you guys think whatever you want and I'll think what I want.
Next one, a pet lizard.
Yep.
I imagine the room cleaner on that one.
Little bastard comes out like starts looking at her little tongue coming out.
They're like, ah, fucking running out there.
I that would be great to see the the whole footage because, you know, they have cameras everywhere they can in the room.
But the whole footage when the cleaning lady or man is running out there screaming, usually cleaning ladies.
Let's face it, men don't claim work the shit.
We don't know how we're not capable of it.
Bottom line, two full leg cats.
So like if you went out and you jumped off a building because you were on heroin and you didn't kill yourself, but you broke both your legs.
These are the two things that you would probably be wearing while in a wheelchair.
Two full leg cats.
I mean, are you trying?
Were you trying to like fool somebody like trying to get out of something or something?
Yeah, I don't know.
And then you put them on and did like a video chat.
Oh, yeah, man, man, my legs are fucked up.
I just cannot make your wedding.
I'm so sorry, man.
You know, I didn't know that that goalie was there and I was riding my bike.
And next thing I know, I'm up in the air.
I'm jumping all over summer salts, stars, ambulance, paramedics.
Big deal.
They shut down the hiking trail for three days.
Blood everywhere.
You know, so anyhow, that's the only thing I can think of.
Why in the hell we'd have two full leg cats unless you're going to go visit your relative that broke both his legs.
Maybe him or her.
I don't know.
Anyhow, the next one is a rice cooker.
I got to be honest.
I kind of see that some people are really particular about their rice.
They like it sticky.
They like it dry.
They like it moist, but not sticky.
They like it with the garlic, you know, so I could kind of see that if if nobody, you know, makes your rice right in that area, you could bring a rice cooker with you and probably cook a little better rice for yourself or maybe just to save money.
You know, it's like, you know, I don't feel like going to all the restaurants around the hotel because they're all inflated prices.
And so I'm just going to bring a rice cooker and I'm going to grab a packet chicken from the neighborhood market and just do it like that.
Maybe maybe it's already cooked chicken.
He is, you know, slice it up and put it in the rice cooker with rice or whatever.
So I could see that one.
The next one, a car tire.
There's a phrase someone's going to steal it.
I don't know.
A car tire.
Okay.
Anyhow, next.
A blender.
A blender. I could see because a lot of people like to make their own special smoothies.
You know, maybe someone likes a mango pineapple, strawberry, banana, kiwi, lime, you know, whatever.
And that's where they like their smoothies and nobody ever makes them like that or they can't find anyone to make them like that.
So they bring their blender and they make their own smoothie in the morning.
Yeah, that's the only thing I could think or maybe someone has or getting dental implants or something.
And maybe that's why they're in town and all they can eat is parade foods.
That could be too.
But a blender, I could kind of see for various reasons.
I just said so the next one is construction pipes.
Honestly, I could see that one too.
And here's why.
Everyone knows, let's listen to whatever podcast it was under this brand.
They know that I used to do construction work.
I used to go out on the road a lot, you know.
So me and a good friend of mine, Steve, were at some, I don't know, Mattoon, Illinois, I believe is what it was.
Mattoon, Illinois.
I think it's like central Illinois, pretty much in the middle.
So we were there putting in a bunch of glass and rails.
And when we got to the hotel that we had to book, it was only one available as a fleabag place.
We pull in with a truck and with all these tools on the back of it.
And suddenly we see this car slow down and start scoping out all our tools.
So probably like then we had to take all the tools off of the truck to make sure they didn't steal them because they were rubber necking on them so bad.
I could see someone going these pipes could be worked quite a bit in metal or whatever or copper or whatever.
And people might have been like slowing down and looking at them, waiting for them, you know.
So I could understand people putting them in there, but leaving them there, forgetting them there, I do not understand.
I don't know unless it's like a big joke or something.
Yeah, so anyhow.
Another one, a voodoo doll.
That's simple.
They bought it.
You know, maybe it wasn't New Orleans, but maybe it was down south.
I mean, they sell voodoo dolls in Memphis.
I found them there on Beale Street.
They sell voodoo dolls in other parts in parts of Mississippi.
I mean, I'm sure they sell them everywhere.
But the point I'm getting here is a voodoo doll is no big deal to buy somewhere.
You just simply forgot it in there.
That's it.
You know, you get home with your suitcases.
You're like, man, where do I leave that voodoo doll?
You know, maybe they call back or maybe like, guys, only eight bucks.
Fuck it.
So this next one, suitcases full of cash.
Well, I mean, if I found this, I'd have to take my 10 percent, right?
I mean, you know, finder's fee, right?
Yeah, yeah, that's that's reasonable.
Ten percent.
I didn't go 20.
I didn't go 30.
I didn't go all out fucking crazy on him.
I just said 10 percent.
You get your money.
If not, I saw nothing.
I went in there.
There was not any suitcases anywhere.
And this should be a lesson to you next time.
Plan better or something.
So anyhow, and then finally, this next one I love a teddy bear stuffed with cash.
Now, that reeks of someone breaking the law somewhere that that just smells of somebody doing wrong doing.
That's like someone going into a bank and get 900.
Let's see.
How much would it be?
One thousand nine hundred ninety nine dollars and ninety eight ninety nine cents.
Right under twenty thousand.
Oh, no, I think it's ten thousand actually.
OK, that's like someone going into a bank and withdrawn.
Nine hundred ninety nine dollars and ninety nine cents.
That doesn't have to be reported.
Ten thousand has to be reported.
And anyhow, I screwed that up.
But anyhow, you guys know what I mean.
Like one penny away from ten thousand.
There you go.
And they go into a bank and they get that out of an account.
Then that doesn't have to be reported at all.
And so so they're like that's this is as suspicious as that would be.
So anyhow, that is the list that I comprise.
I thought of anything that looked interesting at all.
There you go.
Recently, a lot of things have been coming out because I guess it's 25 years since the Sopranos debuted.
Something like that on HBO.
And there's been a lot of hubbub and stuff that really went on that people are finally ready to talk about that they weren't before.
Or maybe someone paid them enough money or they realize there's not going to be a sequel now and they're not going to be in it.
So now they can say whatever.
But this one was interesting because we all know that James Gandolfini had some problems, whether it stemmed from method acting and him being this mob boss or not.
Who knows?
But everyone knows that he had issues and it probably led to his early death.
So medicine mobster Tony Soprano was key to the success of the Sopranos and James James Gandolfini.
He knew it.
You know, enough people went up to him and said, oh, you're the best, you know, or or acted like he was this mob boss or whatever.
You know, so he knew this.
I think anyone did.
The three time Emmy winner once wielded his critical role in the series by daring the network to fire him.
Former HBO CEO Chris Albright says the heated moment came after the actor felt ambushed during an intervention meant to address his struggles with substance abuse.
And this is Albright's quote here.
We did an intervention with him at my apartment in New York.
Albright recalled in the in the new Max.
This would be Cinemax documentary wise guy David Chase and the Sopranos.
That was to try to get him to go to a facility to rehab.
We'd had a lot of friction at that point.
And it was a ruse where I actually told him we're not getting along.
We need to start coming.
We need to come together on some certain things and we need to start getting along.
So when James Gandolfini went to Albright's apartment, it was an intervention.
And so what the big deal was, he threatened all of them to fire him.
And he knew that they couldn't.
So he went out, you know, double barrel fingers.
And, you know, it's too bad he did not listen because he could very well be alive today if he would have listened.
And I commend Albright and these people.
You know, a lot of a lot of Hollywood looks like it's like this.
They'll use you and then as soon as you they can't use you again, they don't care about you and they throw you away.
These people seem to really care about him.
And I commend that.
You know, they're trying to help him.
They weren't trying to take a dump on him like, oh, man, he's just an addict.
None of that stuff.
They're trying to help him.
Unfortunately, James did not see it that way.
And he looked at it as a double cross.
So anyhow, I thought that was an interesting one there.
So this is probably a segment in one of the part of the solo cast that I'm doing.
So I'm not going to say goodbye.
I'm going to say I'm probably you're probably going to hear more after this.
But if you don't hear more after this, then I decided to cut it off right here and call it good.
So anyhow, I don't know what the hell I'm doing.
All right. Oh, no, looks like the show's over.
Kids Mark has explosive diarrhea and can't afford a wireless mic.
Fear not, assholes.
They'll be back invading your ear holes soon.