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Now, from the makers of the Who-Mit-My-Asshole Board Game comes the Rob Rad Jigsaw Fuzzle. That's right, put Rob back together. This brilliant glossy photo of Rob wearing a loincloth and a rainforest is the perfect stocking stuffer. Order now and get a free butt plug keychain.
And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark.
Okay, let's say I'm walking through a mall, and I suddenly walk through a fart. Does that fart then attach itself to me, and then when I walk around, people think I'm the gassy one? I may never know.
As much fun as an electric can opener to the scrotum, Two Deucebags and a Microphone.
Hey there, fuckstick. You're just in time for brand new feature news nobody gives a shit about.
New research indicates that you can swim right after eating.
Now, from this underground bunker camped in Missouri, stocked full of dried guts, canned food, and a couple of vibrating toys is Ramblings of a Madman featuring Rob Rad.
And my dog brings me the same toy. Is it because it's his favorite toy? Or he thinks it's mine?
Two Deucebags and a Microphone and Mark.
And I am Rob.
Hey Rob, how you doing tonight?
I'm tired, but I'm doing alright.
Good, that's good to hear.
Yep.
What's that?
Sorry, I just ran across something I have to report on tonight.
Oh, okay, cool.
I just ran across it.
Interesting, in the lieu of events today that happened of almost historical proportions.
Anyhow, this is Saturday evening about 8 o'clock, so you can kind of figure out what I'm referencing too, but we're dick jokes.
The question that was posed to us, and this is the featured email of the week.
It's interesting because this happened earlier, and it was an assassination attempt on Donald Trump that seemed to have failed.
Anyhow, the question that's posed to us is really interesting in retrospect of what happened earlier today.
This came to me three days ago, so we're going to have that as standalone. I have it in the first third.
Yeah, I can't hear that.
Yeah, this is really interesting. It raises my eyebrow going, wow, what timing on this question.
Anyhow, I'll go ahead and go ahead with it, and we'll get to that on a standalone probably right after you get done with your story.
Then we'll take a break, and then we'll go to the question. That sound good?
Yeah.
Okay.
Big news about video of a Georgia man drinking margaritas that were funneled through a woman's ass.
Did you see that, Rob?
No, I did not.
It's big news. Look it up when you get a chance.
This viral post generated millions of hits. The restaurant said it had nothing to do with this.
Now I'm thinking the restaurant was a little too hasty separating itself from this.
How about they offer a fresh chilled ass martini?
Or perhaps a nice ass cult 45 right after a nice hit of butt hash. If you know, you know. If not, Google it. Butt hash.
Oh yeah.
Or Jenga. Google both of them. See what you get.
Hey, I'm in. I'm in. Why not?
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you can get an ass martini.
I'm single. I'm lonely. Why not?
There you go. Anyhow, there you go, man. They did not handle this right, the Mexican restaurant.
They said they had nothing to do with it, and they were embarrassed and appalled. I'm like, they need to embrace it.
They need to go, man, you know, you can get an ass martini, you can get an ass margarita, you can get an ass cult 45, whatever the fuck you want.
And then we have butt hash in the corner that the resident homeless person is making for anyone that wants it.
So anyhow, they missed it. You know, I put my two cents in. I'm done.
And anyhow, Zach Wilson, New York Jets backup quarterback.
He's found himself in an odd situation. Seems as though Zach was photographed on the beach being cozy with a woman who was identified as one of Zach's mom's good friends.
So I'm thinking this is a big nothing burger. The woman might be a tad older, but she looks great. So good job, Zach.
Good. Good for you, man. She looks great. Why not?
And anyhow, in a related story, Aaron Rodgers is caught giving Zach a thank you card for taking the heat off him.
So, and okay, Rob, sometimes words aren't enough, right?
Yeah.
That's why there's middle fingers.
Oh, I know that.
Yeah. Yeah. And I just come across that.
Those are my favorite languages.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yep. Yep.
Nick Weathey, I think is with with three. Yeah. Nick What three.
Facing allegations of cheating on the Nathan's hot dog eating contest on July 4th.
Offered an explanation to USA Today Sports for his actions that have put him under scrutiny.
Pat Burton totally was the contest with let's see won the contest with 58 hot dogs and wordly finished fourth with a disputed 51.75.
The New York Post citing two anonymous sources reported Tuesday that the video showed well, well, free, well free.
I think W.H.R.Y. What three moved an additional empty plate onto the stack in front of him after the competition.
It ended there by increasing his score by five hot dogs.
You see, you see what happened with play your wet, wet, wet.
Yeah, I read that.
Yeah. So he simply took a plate and looked like he ate five more because there's five to play.
He grabbed the guys next to him.
Yeah. And put it on his the plate.
The plate belonged to Sean Yeager, who ate 38.5 hot dogs during this debut at the annual contest on Coney Island in New York.
Yeager finished seventh out of 14 contestants.
So I think this might be a new low standard for the bar in America.
And today we didn't do ourself any favors either.
So I'm ashamed that this country has a potential eater on a hot cheater on a hot dog eating contest.
I would personally love to see a combination of hot dog eating contest with a MetLife Stadium hot dog throwing incident.
Remember that where everyone pelted a guy with hot dogs and had a hot dog shirt on?
OK. How about blend them together?
A blend of both.
A person throws a hot dog and the contestant has to catch the glizzy in his or her mouth, then consume it.
How about that?
Let's let's let's make a little. Yeah, let's make a little talent to it.
They they launch hot dogs at you.
And if you can get in your mouth and chew it up, then you have completed one hot dog.
And at the end of an hour or whatever the fuck you want to do, 40 minutes or whatever, then you just tally up the hot dogs.
No one can cheat because everybody's in line like a bowling alley.
And you take your turn grabbing glizzies.
Let's say everyone gets 40 of them right.
Let's say Billy over there got 25 and Jimmy over there got 20.
Well, Billy's going to win, right?
So just a thought, just a thought.
I'm just one person, one man trying to change the world, Rob.
Right? Right.
I think at least there's some sort of a talent in this whole embarrassment.
On to other news, Pat Sajak barely let the ink dry on his 401k papers when he inked a new deal with CBS to host the Wheel of Fortune Nighttime Celebrity Edition.
So you won't see him every day daily here in Kansas City.
It's aired at six thirty right after the news on Fox four.
You won't see him on that one.
You'll see Ryan Seacrest with Vanna White, but on the nighttime ones, which they've been doing once a week, you'll see Pat Sajak.
So, I mean, like I said, he barely let the ink dry on his 401k papers.
And here he is signing another deal.
So I guess he wanted to retire, but not all the way, which is fine.
That's fine with me. He's a great host.
And I don't think anyone can do it like him, even Ryan Seacrest.
They're going to have to change the whole thought process.
You know, I have the guy cutting little quips all the time because Ryan Seacrest is not that guy.
Right.
Yeah, he's just not a funny ish guy that can throw little quips in there and all that.
He's great at what he does, but that's not what he does.
So we'll see how everything goes.
The smart fanny pack. That's right.
There is now a fanny pack that folds out into a baby changing station.
It does, too.
So this is great for, you know, parents.
Let's say you're all alone and you're a father and the mom, I don't know, is working out or something or at work.
And then you all you have to do is take this fanny pack and unfold it.
And it becomes a baby changing station anywhere you want.
And if you guys are curious about it, look it up on the Internet.
It's really a unique invention.
I wish they make a fanny pack that didn't look like a fanny pack.
Your cost of a bit of convenience is looking like a complete tool bag.
You know, no one on earth can pull off wearing one of these hideous pieces of cloth and have one ounce of dignity left.
Agreed?
What?
Yeah, there's no way you can.
You could be the toughest guy in the whole world.
OK, you could be Mike Tyson.
But if you were a fanny pack, suddenly anyone can beat your ass.
Right? Isn't that the way it goes?
You could be seven foot one.
Well, that's what people think.
Uh oh.
Well, you get ready to go into then.
No, no, I'm just saying.
Oh, OK.
I'm five foot seven, one hundred forty two.
But I lift my body weight and steel every day.
If I'm wearing a fanny pack, I dare somebody come up to me and say something.
This is all parody, Rob, you know.
You know, I know, I know.
OK.
And no, I'm telling the truth.
No, no, no.
If I'm wearing a fanny pack, I'll fight you.
And I'll go a step further.
If Mike Tyson's wearing a fanny pack, I'm going to compliment him on how good it looks.
I'm not taking a poke at him.
Hey Mike, how's it going?
I'd be asking what designer brand it is.
Yeah, oh, that's beautiful.
Where do you get that, Mike?
But I don't think you'll be wearing a fanny pack anytime soon.
But anyhow.
Yeah, I don't.
Yeah.
Wishful thinking.
Yep.
In the mood of some cookies.
Feeling a bit nostalgic, are you?
Well, here's one for you.
Run DMC cookies.
How about?
Yeah, run DMC cookies.
How about Daryl's?
Daryl's Coolest Cookies in the Universe.
That's what they're called.
I might just walk that way to a store and grab the pack myself.
Pun intended.
I know you're just reading it.
I can tell.
Well, I'm walking that way to the semi-glutide truck or a Zempik.
I'm going to make a pit stop to grab some new Blue Bells cookies and cream cheesecake.
Yep, I hear angels and trumpets.
Don't you?
Blue Bells cookies.
And cream cheesecake.
Oh, yeah.
Angels and trumpets.
Wow.
Angels and trumpets.
Wow.
I see.
Heaven.
Wah wah.
You're welcome, America.
Anyhow.
Get all the animals out on that one.
Okay.
Let's see.
That gets us to the question of the week, which I am stopping because we're going to come out
with the next segment on it.
So, Rob, we turn to you for the next story.
Okay.
Well, I'm going to tell you one thing real quick and then go into something else.
Sounds fair.
I just found out.
Spongebob celebrates his 25th anniversary.
Wow.
Yeah.
Congratulations, Spongebob.
You big square pants motherfucker.
I didn't think he would make it on air that long.
I didn't think so either.
It's the square pants.
Everybody loves the square pants.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
That's what it is.
Okay.
Now, on to other news.
Okay.
I'm going to move on to the Alec Baldwin involuntary manslaughter trial.
Oh, new stuff on that?
You noticed I didn't file on it.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, this is your gig right here.
So, there's new information coming out?
Yes.
Okay.
The judge and actor Alec Baldwin's New Mexico trial on a charge of involuntary manslaughter
dismissed the case Friday after the defense team accused prosecutors of withholding evidence.
Oh, this is interesting.
This happened yesterday.
Judge Mary Summer dismissed the case with prejudice based on the misconduct of police
and prosecutors in the trial over the 2021 shooting of seven child refer to Elena Halton's
on the set of the film Rats.
Prior to the dismissal, the case took a bizarre turn when the prosecutor resigned and Bella
prosecutor, Terry Moragago, that Cory Masse, which I can say, called herself as a witness.
Okay, so hang on.
The prosecutor called herself as a witness.
Okay, let me try to get this string of events, Rob, because, okay, the original prosecutor
resigned?
Yeah.
Okay, so the new prosecutor called herself as a witness.
Is that possible?
Is that legal?
Well, no, they let it happen, but okay, early in the day, the judge had sent the jury home
as attorneys argued over the defense motion for dismissal, including questioning of a
witness who had already testified in the case.
Wow.
Okay, so the prosecutor.
After everything was said and done, they dismissed the case and now handed to terrorists Reid
to armor, they got sentenced to 18 months.
Now she's appealing her conviction.
Yeah, I would be too.
No, no, no, no, no.
She's the one that handed her a gun or handed him the gun with live rounds.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
Also this week, I read another report.
Okay, you know the show Supernatural?
Yes.
Jensen Engles, the older brother.
Uh huh.
He was in this.
Okay.
They found live rounds in his gun also.
So someone sabotaged it maybe.
Somebody got him in, they got, I don't know what happened, but yeah, so both actors had
him.
It's just that Alec Baldwin was the stupid one, like normal.
Yeah, I would have to agree with that.
Jensen Engles, he's pretty laid back.
I watched him off the air stuff with him, you know.
This is kind of bizarre though, Rob, because the prosecuting attorney, the old one, stepped
down and then the case was dismissed.
Yeah.
So something, they did something that wasn't very good, it sounds like.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, right, right.
Yeah.
I can't wait to see how this whole thing unfolds, because I find that really.
As of right now, he's in the clear.
Okay, we'll see.
I mean.
It's been dismissed.
Okay, if it's been dismissed, I don't know if you know the answer to this or not, but
is it double jeopardy if they try him again?
Or can they appeal it?
Well, see, I don't, they might be able to appeal it, but they would not, yeah, they
could not try him for this.
They would either have to go for a harder conviction, which at this point, I don't think
they would do.
I think it would be foolish.
And they're only going off for involuntary manslaughter, which I just read what a guy
of 18 months, the same as the gal that did it.
You see, right now, no one's like really.
Having him handed the gun, was told it was safe.
Uh huh.
Well, okay.
I mean, honestly, if I was in Alec Baldwin's position, I would probably take the word for
it, too, wouldn't you?
Oh yeah, I'd be glad.
You see, here's what I'm saying here.
Okay.
So here's what I'm saying right here.
I thought for a while there, the reason they were charging him with manslaughter is because
he wasn't supposed to shoot towards the lady.
He was just fucking around and his net digits.
Okay.
Then I don't get how come they couldn't still charge him on that and why it was dismissed.
Because if that's what he's doing, just fucking around, led to the woman's death.
I mean, not only civilly, but also, you know, jail wise.
Well, I'm guessing there was other problems in the prosecutor's case.
Yeah, there would have to be because something doesn't really make sense here at all.
Or a couple things don't make sense.
Because if they were really going at him because he was fucking around, then that would have
been easily provable.
And was there a civil case in this?
I'm sure there was, right?
Not yet.
Okay, it's going to be interesting.
They're waiting for the criminal.
Okay.
I think that it's going to be interesting to see how that unfolds.
Because I think that if Alec Baldwin was goofing around going, he, he, he watched this and
it led to her death, then he stepped.
Yeah, he's being Alec Baldwin.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm not a big fan of him either.
So he was a, what was he, a producer or something, but the court threw that part out.
Hmm.
Which upset the prosecutors.
Because if he was the producer, one of the producers, it would have been his job to keep
an eye on stuff like this.
Yes.
But the court threw it out from the get go.
And it, yeah, that upset that turned the whole story right there.
Now he just becomes a dumbass with his hand and a gun with live bullets that was told
it was clear.
Okay.
Well, we'll see how this unfolds.
I understand.
Well, good lawyers can also really beat prosecutors too.
I mean, we've seen it happen in plenty of famous cases in American history.
So, I mean, you can look back at several landmark verdicts that were changed because the lawyers
were able to make something out of nothing.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, they can build a case without anything being there.
And that's how come you pay these lawyers so much money.
So I don't know.
It's going to be interesting to see how this unfolds, but let's go ahead and take our first
break and then we're going to come back with this question that I love.
I can't wait to hear it.
Me neither.
Even though I did not get a heads up on this.
Okay.
I know.
I'm sorry.
You're good.
I got you.
Okay.
It will be fine, the question as it is.
You'll see what I mean.
Okay.
Be right back.
Germany, you guys rock.
Thank you for listening from way over yonder.
We salute you, heratudouchebags, and microphone.
We love you guys.
And now, deep thoughts with Mark.
Let me think here.
My car keys have actually traveled further than my car.
Weird.
Tomorrow morning while grinding your coffee beans for your double mocha latte, remember
to not get your genitals caught in the grinder.
It really hurts.
Who can afford plastic surgery?
Stay safe, everyone.
Next up, things overheard in hell.
Great news.
William Hung's world tour has been extended.
Hi all.
This is Chicago.
I am the most dangerous city in North America.
You can't touch me.
Oh yeah?
This is Kansas City here.
Hold my beard, bitch.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity.
I will roast you.
But my mom told me to not burn trash.
We need to leave.
No batlight here.
These idiots just show up and hope for the best.
Two douchebags and microphone in an effort to keep everything fresh.
We offer you first world problems.
Oh shit.
Look at that drive-thru wine.
Surely they don't expect me to actually have to go in.
This sucks.
Two douchebags and a microphone and a mark.
And I'm off.
All right.
We're going to get to this question.
This is email of the week.
It's not from Ronnie from Tulsa.
He didn't send one in.
But let me see where it's at here.
Okay.
The feature email of the week.
Roger in Harrisonville wrote, dudes, I started listening to the podcast about conspiracies that Rob is nuts about.
So it leads me to ask you.
Oh dude.
Yeah.
Well, this guy apparently likes it too.
So it leads me to ask you both.
Do you believe in the Illuminati?
And I have not come up with anything on this yet because it just came in yesterday.
I have not any.
You and me are just it's really almost just sprung up on me too.
I knew about the question.
Okay.
I got my answer.
Okay.
I believe the Illuminati is real.
Okay.
I've done all kinds of research.
Yes, I blew.
And actually, if you listen to our boys at.
Oh, let me check in the matter.
What is it?
I forgot the name of it.
Damn it.
But I got it.
I will.
Let's get to the bottom of that.
That's it.
Thank you.
Yeah.
That's a podcast.
And we all love it.
I don't know why I keep getting.
No, I do too.
I will tell you all about it.
It's a fantastic podcast.
They break it down.
No, I have always believed in that.
And they actually did a week series as secret society.
Okay.
I like their presentation about it, and I understand exactly where they're coming from.
But do you have any more you want to get to?
Go ahead.
No, I believe it's real.
Okay.
That's his question.
Yes, I believe it's real.
Taking everything into account, me and myself, my personal hypothesis.
I do consider myself somewhat educated in it.
So my personal hypothesis is this.
I do believe there is a higher power structure than Congress and the president.
Right.
I'm not sure if the name is the Illuminati.
But I do know that the Federal Reserve, who can destroy our economy with one sentence,
and they have before, Reserve, who can destroy our economy with one sentence,
is a private organization that no one seems to know who or where they came from
and why they set the monetary rules, such as interest rates.
Don't you agree with that?
They are not...
Okay.
Okay, go ahead.
No, go ahead.
Okay.
No, go ahead.
They are the government.
They are a private organization.
So I'm simply saying this.
If there's no higher power structure, the Federal Reserve has more power
than the president of the United States.
If you look at it, they set everything, what our dollars were, trade, everything.
Those guys do whatever they want.
So if they're in your favor, you're going to do okay.
If they're not in your favor, you're going to have a tough time.
So that's one thing right there.
That tells me right there that group has much power,
if not more than just what we can see.
Just imagine all the things they are hiding.
The one thing we can prove and see is the Federal Reserve,
and they are not part of the government.
So who are they?
Where do they come from?
How do they get to...
And maybe it's way above my head and I don't understand it.
Maybe that's possible, and I'll be the first to admit that could happen.
I'm not that extremely educated in it.
But I'm saying that these guys can control our economy with one bad sentence.
You can say, oh my gosh, man.
They come out and say, ah, boy, the economy is slowing down.
Unemployment is up. Inflation is on the rise.
And all of a sudden, what does Wall Street do when they do that?
It crashes.
So, I mean, who do I work for?
Is it a...
Go ahead.
Listen to our friends.
Let's get to the bottom of that.
They have an eight-week thing on secret societies.
And if you listen to it, a lot of the names in each society are the same.
And they are very, very rich people.
Listen to it.
Well, I mean, if you think about it, and here's the way I kind of view it,
and like I said, I may be the most uneducated person and completely wrong.
But it looks to me like how do people make money?
The economy crashes, and then the only people with money,
not the person who just lost his house and his whole family,
the people that have money when everything crashes,
they're the ones that get to buy everything on the cheap
and then resell it to everybody who lost their house three years ago.
Right?
Okay.
Well, just so you know, one of the names through a lot of secret societies
that keep popping up that they mentioned, Rockefeller.
I agree. Yes. Go ahead.
Okay, and there's a lot of them. I'm going to leave it right there.
So that tells you what kind of money and what can be done in these secret societies.
With that kind of money, you can hide anything you want, man.
Yeah, and also, if...
There's a lot of other big names. Listen to our friends.
Yes, well, you're not the conspiracy guys.
They break it down. They break it down. I love it. I love it.
Okay, I'll have to listen to some of that because I didn't get to listen to all of it
because, once again, time.
Yeah, they have like an eighth week with different secret societies.
I got to ask this. Did they ever go into the Federal Reserve?
Or not?
No, not on that one.
Oh, okay.
They might have.
Okay, well, I think there's something to it because to me it's like...
I'm not totally caught up. I'm jumping around.
Okay, all right. You know what? Okay, that's cool.
Well, Rob, I love your answer and this is the way I feel.
And I respect it because you could very be...
If everyone's using the same name, the Illuminati,
then quite possibly that's exactly what it is.
That's what their name is.
Well, to be honest, it sounds like a lot of them are the same society.
They just add different names. I mean, a lot of the same people.
Yeah, like the Freemasons and everything that goes along with this.
Yeah, yeah, a lot of the bigwigs.
The Skull and Bones.
The same people, all the money backers.
Yeah, the Skull and Bone Society.
They covered that one.
Yeah, yeah, and the reason is, I mean, which Bush said it actually existed?
Was it W or was it Herbert, I think, H.B., Prescott Bush or whatever?
Yeah, George Bush the first.
Okay, okay, well one of...
One of them was asked and they said, oh yeah, yeah, it's true.
So they go over there and where, I don't know, like what...
I forgot all this stuff.
Dance around naked or something wearing an Al costa...
I don't know, I forgot all the crazy shit.
And then all of a sudden they come up and go, oh yeah, yeah, it's there.
It's stuff like you see in a sci-fi movie or something.
It's like what? Or a horror movie? I don't know. Anyhow.
All right, well, I love both our answers.
So Rob, do you got something you want to go to?
Yeah.
Okay. Did you have any more you wanted to go to on that, on the Illuminati?
No, no, no, no. I was good on that.
Okay.
I could go deeper, but I won't. That's not what we do. That's what our friends do.
I could too, but I decided to go with the Federal Reserve because that's something that everybody knows exists,
but everyone might not know it's not part of the government. So, anyhow, go ahead, Rob.
Oh, the guy right there, IRS.
Yes.
IRS is actually a contractor to the government. They're not a government agency.
Yeah. When I found that out, it floored me.
So they would have a vested interest in making you pay them, right?
Right, right.
Okay. And that doesn't necessarily mean they're going around being fair.
So, Rob, we turned you...
Yeah, let's get out of politics.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They found me a new girlfriend.
Oh, okay. We're dick jokes, guys. Go ahead, Rob.
I might find her on Tinder, but I'm going to look her up.
Okay.
An 87-year-old super cougar has revealed that she loves using Tinder to find young men to date.
Oh, wow. Okay.
Adi Retridge said that she dates younger men because most men her age aren't around anymore.
She added that older men have often achieved everything they wanted to achieve in life,
whereas young men are in the middle of achieving a goal.
The grandmother's Tinder page is filled with pictures of her in bikinis, heavy makeup, and leather jackets.
I've got to check her out.
She ain't that looking, honestly.
Okay.
Did she age pretty nicely?
In her bio, she describes herself as a fascinating over-beauty seeking a younger lover.
Adi revealed that many younger men set their Tinder age to stay there in their 50s.
Then they're actually in their 20s to have the match with older women.
She said that she has a steady stream of young men to go on dates with, and even once went on a date with a 19-year-old.
Speaking to Truly, she said, I didn't know he was 19.
I probably wouldn't have gone to bed with him if I knew he was 19.
Oh, wow.
Adi was previously married, but said that the relationship broke down after children went off to university.
After her divorce at age 55, Adi put Adbert on paper saying she was looking for a man and auditioned the men that lied over the phone.
Well, then it updated the cell phones, and now she's on Tinder.
She's just dating.
Wow.
She went for a few drinks and whatever.
Good for her.
That's awesome.
I'm happy for her.
Sounds like she's getting...
Why does it? I'm not. I'm just getting married.
I love her up.
Hell, why not? You're younger.
Hehehe.
All right. You know what?
Ronnie from Tulsa did give us an email earlier in the week, and I forgot to...
Actually, a message.
I forgot all about it. I got it buried in my papers here.
And I think we ought to do this one.
This one's more lighthearted, so I think we ought to go ahead and do it today, too.
Are you ready for it?
I'm ready.
Have you ever used a code name for a boss hole that the boss never figured out?
Ronnie and Tulsa.
Rob?
I got to tell you about that one.
Uh...
It's the one that I call it to their faces.
I've had several, and I'm trying to piece it all together here.
Oh, I...
Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, okay.
I learned normal shithead and stuff, you know?
I got one. I remember one pretty clearly now.
Okay.
One guy that was a foreman of this landscaping company that I worked for for...
It was a long time ago. I only worked for him like a month.
We nicknamed the guy Salad.
And this was because he would always address the next step of the project with a sentence like this.
Lettuce go put in the rock garden.
Or, lettuce go to lunch now. He would always do that, right?
Everything was lettuce do this, lettuce do that.
So because he kept saying lettuce, we started calling him Salad, right?
So, anyhow, we used to always say horrible things about Salad right in front of him.
And he was completely clueless.
One time at lunch, I got him to admit that Salad sucks dick.
And he's like, oh, yeah, yeah, Salad sucks dick.
And the rest of the crew had to leave.
Because every time we said Salad, we was talking about him because he was always saying,
Lettuce go to lunch. Lettuce break for the evening.
And he was a weird guy.
And let's see, that's one I remember.
Let me think of another one.
Shit.
Didn't we have one for Jim at Justin Jim's?
Oh, I know we did.
We did.
One that was like Mary Poppins or something.
I forgot why we called him that.
Oh, yeah, it was Mary Poppins.
Why did we call him Mary Poppins?
And he never knew it until I told him that one time I was married.
I don't know. It was something you guys were calling when I got there.
I can't remember what it's about.
And then Alan, because he was so small, we used to call him Keibler.
Yeah.
And the way he found out is someone didn't see him and they go, where's that little Keibler fuck?
And then everyone started laughing.
He's right there.
And then we're like, oh, shit, the cat's out of the bag.
Oh, he got mad.
He threw a pan at everybody.
So anyhow.
I can't remember shit.
I will remember why we called Jim Mary Poppins, but I just can't get it right now.
So, okay.
Anyhow, that was a great email.
And I remember one of them at least.
And I'm going to keep thinking because there have been many bosses we had a code name for.
Yeah, I mean, that was so damn long ago.
And the rest of my bosses, I really haven't done that.
Oh, man.
Yeah, I did.
I did that to so many bosses, geez.
And then we have one at another restaurant.
What meant that everyone's going to meet behind the shed and get high.
And I forgot it was like, hey, we're out of green beans or something like that.
And anyhow, it worked really well.
It wasn't calling anyone names, but as a code word saying in five minutes, get out of here and go out back and smoke a dupe.
And it's like, oh, it could have.
Yeah, we used to call that a safety meeting.
Oh, OK.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I did too, actually, at some places.
Yeah.
OK.
All right.
Well, you want to take our second break and you got something you want to go into when we get back?
Yeah, I do.
All righty.
We'll be right back.
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Oh, Lord, that man just saw a puppy in half.
Hey there.
Don't worry.
I have a clown nose.
Oh, no.
That drunk guy just hit my child.
It's OK.
I have a clown nose.
Clown nose.
Just put one on and you can do anything.
Want to run for office?
Murder people in public?
Just grab a clown nose and bam, everyone laughs.
Clown noses are sold at gag stores online and pedophile conventions.
Grab one today and make magic happen.
The apocalypse just happened.
You don't know what to do.
You don't know where to go.
But we can tell you what you can eat.
Dandelion can be stewed with wild mustard and wild garlic for a very tasty stew.
You could even introduce our old friend the hickory nut for a bit of smoky flavor.
Jam X. What the hell happened?
You were the generation of change.
You never wanted to be one of them.
At the theater, spoke for you.
Hunk the man, hunk the system.
What the hell happened?
The generation of angst, the generation of noncompliance
is now buying a boat.
You're really fed up until someone dangled a dollar near you.
Great job, Xers. Everything's ruined.
Hey there, fuckstick.
You're just in time for brand new feature news nobody gives a shit about.
An 80-year-old Virginia man hangs upside down for two hours a day.
Microphone, I'm Mark.
And I'm Ross.
It was Jim's name was something about he was doing like roles or something for the daytime.
And he was talking about him popping, you know, like the East End popping.
And that was part of the Poppins.
And I forgot where the Mary came from. Shit.
I'll get all figured out.
Mary Poppins. He said Poppin. Mary Poppins. I see where you came up with it.
Yeah, yeah. I believe that was it. But there's a little bit more to it.
Why we use that name forever.
So anyway.
Yeah, yep.
And when you came there, it was already in full force, full effect.
Hey, where's Mary Poppins?
Where he normally is.
I was waiting to watch him walk around with an umbrella.
Yep.
Yeah, it was something about the damn fucking roles popping or something.
Anyhow, go ahead, man. I'm sorry.
Oh, I'm up.
Oh, I thought you had a story you wanted to go into.
Yeah, I do.
Oh, OK. Go ahead. Yeah, you're up.
You got talking about Jim.
I just remembered a little bit about it.
Sorry. I'll go ahead.
All right. Elton John was shopping in France with his two sons on Monday, July 8th afternoon,
when he couldn't resist the urge to urinate any longer.
The world renowned hit maker asked a company security for a plastic bottle to pee in
and allegedly proceeded to leave himself inside a shoe store in Nice.
I suddenly like Elton John even more.
According to TMZ store owner Ryan Sukar, was both shocked and furious.
At first he had no idea that the tests were relieving himself, inside his shop was Elton John.
You have to let him, right? You're like, thank you, Elton. Thanks for pissing in my store.
That's proper, right? That's what you do?
OK. Hang on. Let me get back to it.
I really liked Elton John. Now I really like him.
He just tried calling me and I just off the damn phone with him.
Oh.
OK. At first he had no idea that the customer relieving himself inside his shop was Elton John.
What's more, the 77-year-old artist was only a few steps away from other customers when he peed in the bottle.
In John's defense, he did ask for a restroom before taking those into his own hands
and was told that there was not a public toilet nearby.
Sukar, not extremely thrilled with what took place in his shop, inquired what John did for a living.
To which the legend bluntly replied, I don't know John.
After a speedy Google search, the store owner was sure to get a picture when they spanned out before he left the shop.
Awesome.
Oh yeah, Elton John grabbed him.
Like I said, I really liked...
The security guards took a leak right in those doors because they didn't have no restroom.
Wow. I really liked Elton John. Now I like him just a little bit more.
I love him.
That's awesome.
Cool. That's pretty cool when you piss in a store in a bottle.
I mean that's not quite snorting ants, but it's good.
I've done worse, but you know, I'll never admit it.
Now he needs to go out and snort some ants or something and then he'll be like at legendary status.
Yeah.
Alright, I got one now.
Players of different NFL teams have varying opinions about the loudest and proudest fans in their stands.
Some considered a good trade-off a fan, whereas others find it annoying.
Recently, The Athletic conducted an anonymous poll of NFL players to determine the most annoying fan base in the NFL.
And the results were not all that surprising.
Number one, according to the poll, was the Philadelphia Eagles fans who are voted as the most annoying fans in the league with 25.3% of the vote.
I agree 100%. I think I said something on a podcast ago about them.
Yeah, they are annoying little fucks that like to argue and be like little pests.
You know what I mean?
And anyhow, they're kind of like that gnat that you keep swatting out and they just keep coming back and buzzing around your head.
Yeah, that's them.
I mean, you know, Veterans Stadium or whatever the hell they call it now actually has a court system inside the stadium.
That's how many people need court right then because of what they did during the game, like punching somebody or whatever.
Yeah. So anyhow, I think they're dead on with this one.
Absolutely correct.
I just thought it would be higher than 25.3% of the vote.
The second comes in as the Dallas Cowboy fans were the 24.7% of the vote.
And I would have to think that that's probably pretty close to Dallas fans are always snipping off and and they think that they're much better than what they are.
They always were up and down.
They're going all the way.
They're always swearing up and down that they play the best game.
You know, you talk to them and Dak Prescott is twice as good as my homes, you know, and just shit like that.
It's like, no, no, no, no, not at all.
An anonymous NFL player who took part in the poll described Eagles fans as noisy, impolite and unpleasant.
Another voter stated that they feel like they are the most knowledgeable football fans in the world when referring to an Eagles fan.
So I don't know why it went back into that, but it did talk about the Dallas Cowboys.
And let me see.
I I download this whole thing.
OK, OK, good.
It does go into the other ones.
A player who voted for the Cowboys fan base as the most said the most irritating thing said was they usually believe that they should win the Super Bowl every year.
Yes, every year.
Yeah, this goes with them saying that Dak Prescott is better than my homes or, you know, or their cornerback or what?
You know what I mean?
They always say that their guys better than our guy, even though it's really apparent and pretty clear that my homes is much better than Dak Prescott as an example when they're wrong.
And apart from the Eagles and Cowboys, the Buffalo Bill fans have received seven point five percent of the vote.
Yeah, they can get pretty obnoxious.
I've been in contact with a few of them and they get a little mouthy.
OK, and securing the force, the fourth position, the New York Jets fan base got a six point eight percent of the votes.
You got anything on this, Rob?
Do you think everything's pretty close to accurate here?
So far as I know, it sounds accurate.
Yeah, me too.
So anyhow, the Chiefs were not in the top 10 and I thought that there was a lot of fans around town that got a little cocky.
I mean, even myself at first.
And then I grounded myself and said, you know what?
One day this is going to end and we're going to be on the bottom again.
So, you know, yeah, so yeah, yeah, yeah, I just don't see it.
I mean, look in New England.
Look at Boston.
I mean, five years ago, they're like everybody.
But we get at least a little bit of run out of it.
Yeah, I mean, I think there's more run to come to and we'll see if Mahomes can beat Brady's record because he's on a pretty good pace right now.
So but he's going to have to do it without some key people coming up.
I mean, Kelsey's not going to be around forever.
So they have to replace him, which isn't going to be easy. A lot of that offensive line they're going to have to, you know, I mean, there's a they're going to have to draft very well to stay in this thing year after year.
I mean, you always got a puncher's chance when Mahomes because he like last year, he can will that team to victory and he has and done it several times before.
But eventually, I mean, they are drafting well and everything, but they're going to have to continue to do that to stay in it.
So anyhow, Rob, OK, well, yeah, yeah, go ahead.
Well, with that being said, uh huh.
How would you feel about Amari Cooper coming to Kansas City?
Is there anything left in the tank, you think?
And how much?
I don't know.
Well, number one.
Well, he's 30 years old.
So he's still got quite a few years.
OK, yeah.
Last season, well, his best season was 1250 yards.
Oh, yeah.
And with over 72 receptions, who was he with last season?
Let me let me let me let me go.
Let me just read this.
OK, go ahead.
But the NFL offseason comes predictions of both takes that specifically happens with trades that can happen before the season or the deadline.
With that in mind, Amari Cooper is an intriguing trade option.
And if he is traded, it will be to the Kansas City Chiefs.
The Cleveland Browns are in a state of flux heading into the 2024 season.
In this question, Sarand quarterback, Fashon Watson, if he will truly be the answer and play at the MVP level.
He was at on the Houston Texans with that and the Browns having multiple holes in the roster and adjustments.
It can be expected the Browns won't live up to expectations and end up playing below par.
With that being the case, Cooper becomes trade candidate.
Yeah, you know what? I'm looking at his stats and it appears like last year he had his best season ever stat wise.
And he's 30 and he's always been fairly consistent, except in the Raiders.
He had a couple of years that were off.
I think he might have been injured.
But yes, I mean, he's usually above a thousand or right at.
So here's the part that intrigued me because I went down a little later in this article.
The best team that should be interested is the Chiefs.
Yes, the Chiefs did just draft Xavier Worthy and have Rashid Rice.
Yes.
Right there.
Okay, but here's what I'm saying. Is that what the Chiefs do? That's not what they do.
Well, they need to pick somebody up because from what I read Rashid is facing at least a 12 game suspension.
Yes, I know this.
Yeah.
Okay, that may change their philosophy for this year then.
The thing is, as a Murray Cooper, we don't have very much cap room.
We don't have very much cap room.
So we have to be able to afford him. That's my number one thing right there.
And number two, they always like to draft people young and not spend much money on them and bring them up in the system.
So I don't even know if that would be a fit right there. That's kind of against their philosophy.
Would I love to have him in a Chiefs uniform? Yes, I would. I would love to.
But we'll see because of circumstances beyond their control like, you know, Rashid Rice getting into some trouble.
That's what I'm saying. They're down a man that they were expecting and they've got to come up with something.
Yes.
And I always thought a Murray Cooper would fit good in our system. I've always thought that.
It took me a minute to... I don't know who I was thinking of, but I thought a Murray Cooper was with the Jets and on a couple of down years.
I'm completely wrong.
Did he start with Dallas?
He started with the Raiders, I believe. And let me look here.
Okay, okay, neither Raiders. I love you.
Hang on.
But still, he's a hell of a player.
Yeah, 2015. 2015. Yeah, 2015 he started with the Raiders and he had 1070 yards.
2016 with the Raiders, 1153 yards.
Then he had a couple of down years, three years that were kind of subpar. And then in 2019 with the Cowboys, he had 1189.
Yeah, I thought he went to the Cowboys.
Yeah, he did. And then he had 1114 yards for the Cowboys and then he had 865 yards. That isn't bad.
But with the Browns, last year he had... the year before last, he had 1160. And last year he had 1250 yards.
And that's with Deshaun Watson in the backup quarterback. I forgot his name played a lot because Deshaun Watson was injured.
Yeah, put him with Patrick Bow.
Oh gosh. I bet if he's still healthy and fast like he was, and I have no reason to believe he's not, I would say 1600, 1700 yards.
Yeah, we're she's out. We're she's out pretty much of the year. But if the courts don't get a hold of it.
Well, what I was reading is the suspension may not come until next year, not the one coming up.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're waiting for the court system to get done with him and then do...
Yeah, if that's the case, I would love to see him in the Chief's uniform, of course.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, okay. All right. That's it.
I've always liked him. I'm a golden receiver.
Yeah, he's a baller. Yeah, without a doubt. Wow. I didn't know that was an option, but that would be cool.
Well, it's my red. Yeah. Cool with me.
Amazon, TWSN. I don't know where they're out of.
Oh, well, you know what? I like that article. Thank you, Rob.
Mustard on watermelon has become a big thing, Rob. No joke. Yeah. What became a TikTok...
I'm out, dude. I just threw up in my mouth.
I know. I can't say I blame you. I guess it was a trend in TikTok in 2021.
It's a sweet and savory snack that some say is surprisingly good.
The mustard's sweet and vinegary tartness complements the watermelon's sweetness,
and the mustard's peppery bite can add another dimension of flavor.
Some say... I disagree with all of this, but anyhow...
I believe that story. I believe it. These kids nowadays are weird.
Yeah, I mean, the Tide Pod challenge came from TikTok.
Kids were eating Tide Pods because it came from TikTok, so this does not surprise me.
Let's see. Some say the combination is similar to a watermelon salad with vinegar, herbs, and red onion.
Well, they kind of got a point there, but I mean, I'm not one for a watermelon salad at all, so...
Well, the pairing may seem quite odd. I like watermelon, but...
But probably not with mustard, right? No, hell no.
Rob, I'm not a watermelon guy, but would you ever try it?
I might. Okay, because that is a pretty good explanation.
Watermelon salad is very popular. A lot of people really like it.
So that does kind of make sense that maybe mustard does...
You know, does have a place in the watermelon, you know, in eating watermelon. I don't know.
So anyhow, that's pretty much it. It has some more stuff, but it's just...
They're just doing that, making a three-paragraph article. They're making it into a seven-paragraph, you know, just a bunch of blah.
So anyhow, you got something, Rob?
Yeah, actually, I'm on an end of the night kind of sad.
Oh, no.
Yeah, I have a couple of guests to report.
Oh. Oh, I know one of them just happened today. But go ahead.
Actually, both of them were today.
Oh, there was someone else? Okay, go ahead. I know one of them. I don't know them both.
Eccentric fitness guru Richard Simmons passed away today.
Yep.
That's the one you heard?
That's the one I heard.
Okay.
It's been reported, though, that he'd been in ill health and that's why he was hiding.
People for a long time thought his handler stole him and was like using him for money.
But he was hiding from everybody, and they said because he had some sort of an illness, but I don't know if that was true or not.
So anyhow, go ahead.
Okay, hell with Richard Simmons.
Okay.
This person's more important.
Okay.
Today, Dr. Ruth Westheimer passed away.
Oh, that one hurts.
She was great friends with Ozzie and Sharon.
Anybody that don't know her, she was a sex therapist.
And she just passed away today at 96 years old.
Wow. I always loved listening to her. She was so entertaining.
Oh, she was awesome.
Yeah. I like the fact that Ozzie and Sharon were some of her best friends.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. I thought that was cool.
And I remember listening to her on different shows and some morning radio, and she was just so clever and funny.
Yeah. She was just so innocent and funny.
And you're like, how can his gal be that geeky?
Oh, I know. I know.
I remember that. Some of that stuff, I'm like, what?
He was highly sexual.
And she used to say stuff like, yeah, quite frankly, you just need to get the hell bashed out of you.
You just need some guy to come up and just throttle you.
And it's like, that's coming from her?
She was awesome.
Richard Simmons was 76 and Dr. Ruth was 96, and they both died on the same day.
Oh, wow.
Isn't that crazy?
It is. And like I said, something was going on with Richard Simmons because it had been like seven years.
Yeah. You could see it in any pictures I've seen lately. I was thinking cancer is what I was thinking.
I was thinking that too, but they kept denying it and said that, you know...
Yeah, he said that he needed his privacy respected.
He had to come out from where he was hiding out because everybody was saying that his handlers were like keeping him captive.
And they need to check on this and they're hurting him and stealing his money.
And finally, he came out with a statement.
He said, please respect my privacy.
And then because he didn't look quite the same, it could look like maybe his transitioning.
People said that he was transitioning into a woman and he didn't want to be bothered.
But I don't think that was true either. I think he was sick.
I think he was dying.
Yeah, I think he was dying too.
And anyhow, it's too bad it ended like that.
There was that deal because they were going to make a movie about him.
And Polly Shore was going to play Richard Simmons. And they had this big uproar over it.
You know what? That would have been great. Wouldn't it?
I talked about it here a while ago.
But yeah, it was in the works that they were wanting to make a movie about Richard Simmons and have Polly Shore play it.
But Richard Simmons said no.
Oh, was that what happened to it?
I think, yeah.
Oh, that's too bad.
Richard Simmons did not want his life put out there.
Yeah, and I think there have been some stuff that's speculated.
Although I think if anybody could do it and play that part, I think it would be Polly Shore, believe it or not.
He even looks like him.
Yeah, the size, the size of the age.
Yeah, that would have been great.
And he ain't totally been the goofy person everybody's thought all these years.
He's done a lot of other acting and stuff, and he's grown up.
Yeah, yep.
And well, thank you. I had no idea Ruth Westheimer died too.
Yeah, passed away today. God rest his soul.
Yep. That little woman was so funny.
He was. I just used to love to sit and listen to her.
Yeah, me too.
I used to just lop my ass up at her.
Didn't she have her own show for a while, I think?
Yeah, she did. She did. She had the Dr. Rue show.
Okay.
I just loved listening to her. She was a funny old lady, man.
Yeah, she was.
And she was not afraid to tell it out loud.
That's what I loved is, like I said, she could be shocking being so truthful.
The ball of a real old lady saying whatever she is.
But I guarantee you she had a bunch of big bodyguards around her.
Yeah, she sure did.
Yeah.
I got one little more story, or one more little story that I'd like to get to here real quick.
If you don't mind.
No, don't worry.
Okay.
All right.
In San Francisco, January 8, 2024, Instacart, the leading grocery technology company in North America,
today announced it is expanding its advertising solution to Capre Carts, the company's AI-powered smart carts.
Instacart will begin piloting ads on Capre Carts at Good Food Holdings banner stores.
Bring in personalized and dynamic recommendations into the physical aisles of the grocery store.
Ads on Capre Carts will soon give customers more customized recommendations
and introduce experiences to help them discover new brands and products.
So do you get where we're going here?
You're going to be advertised the whole time you have this cart.
Yeah, ads on Capre Carts will soon give customers more customized recommendations.
Okay, that's for the regular ad culture we're talking about.
No, no, no.
Yes.
And then they go into any, I'll finish this, okay.
This first of its kind advertising opportunity connects brands and retailers with customers directly in the aisles
who, on average, spend more than 30 minutes shopping in store with Capre Carts.
Capre Cart is another cart, but Instacart is the one that came up with it.
You see what I mean?
Okay.
Yeah.
For the first time, ads on Capre Carts...
And it's like the mother company of this.
Yes.
So it's not the drivers that have to deal with it.
Yes.
But they also have a side where they're also going to have these things getting groceries for people too.
But anyhow, for the first time, ads on Capre Carts will bring an entirely new personalized ads experience
for Instacart's CPG brand partners to the Smart Cart screens, which launch partners, including Del Monte Foods,
Dryers...
I said Dryers.
No, that's Bryers.
But it says Dryers on here.
I don't know if that's a misprint or what.
Yeah.
At General Mills, customers using Capre Carts and participating retailers will soon experience two new features.
New products and brands, deals, and seasonal promotions to surprise and delight customers
at the start of the shopping journey on the Capre Cart home screen.
For example, a customer might see a creative banner highlighting limited edition chocolate strawberry cheerios
for General Mills for Valentine's Day.
And second, personalized product recommendations based on their real life shopping behaviors or cart contents.
For example, if the customer adds ice cream cones, they might see a complimentary item recommendation like Bryers ice cream.
So you see what's going on there?
Yeah, they tell the name brands.
Yes, they're trying to get you.
And this sounds to me, by the way, that article is written.
It's only going to happen with their affiliated products and their affiliated stores.
So you're not going to be able to go into a Costco or a Sam's Club or a Price Chopper or a Hy-Vee and have this done.
Because they're not part of that brand company that Instacart owns.
So at least we're safe from it for right now, Rob.
But while we're on that, I'm going to go into this real quick too, because it's really related to it.
I was forced to go to Phillips 66 the other day because I just had the day from hell having to run around, get stuff done.
So I was almost out of gas, so I had to go get some from this Phillips 66 up the road, which I don't like doing,
because I always think that their machines are tampered with somehow.
And maybe by a crook or something because they close at night.
But I had to because I was almost out of gas.
They have, whenever you take out the nozzle and get ready to insert it into your car, ads come on through a TV screen that's there on the pumps.
Have you ever seen that?
Yeah, I have. I've gone down there too.
Oh, Rapid Roberts has them. That's right. Yeah.
When we're in Eureka Springs, the Rapid Roberts over on the other side of town actually have one of them. And I remember thinking, oh, fuck, it's down here too.
So, yeah, it's annoying as fuck because they're really loud.
And make sure you can hear it when you're if you're on the other side of your vehicle putting in gas or if you're on that side,
then they have like big pictures of Coca-Cola and Pepsi ice cold and go get one today and all this stuff.
I'm just like, I'm sick of it, man. And anyhow, that's pretty much all I got.
What about you, Rob? Yeah, that's about all I got for tonight.
OK. All right, brother. Thank you for joining me again for another podcast.
And Opal, Opal, Grandma Opal, Jimmy and Ricky Dodge City, Kansas. Love you guys.
Hi, Grandma Opal. Hi, Jimmy. Hi, Ricky. Good night, assholes.
Good night, assholes. Oh, no, looks like the show's over, kids.
Mark has explosive diarrhea and can't afford a wireless mic. Fear not, assholes.
We'll be back invading your ear holes soon.