And now it's time for...
The Daily Deucebag Pledge.
Here at Two Deucebags in a Microphone, we don't stand behind our journalistic integrity.
Go ahead and assume we got the story wrong. At least we admit it.
Not like all those other guys, we can and will lie if it makes the story better.
Two Deucebags and a Microphone.
We Talk.
Jesus.
Two Deucebags and a Microphone in an effort to keep everything fresh.
We offer you...
First World Problems.
That's a hell of a bridge construction.
Shit. I cannot believe I have to repair this bridge after 50 years.
Man, what am I going to do now? I can't like get 10 minutes earlier just to get to work.
This is complete bullshit. I'm going to write my congressman.
Yo mama's so fat, when she fell in love, she broke it.
Next up, Things Overheard in Hell.
Spam. With Spam Helper tonight. How yummy.
Two Deucebags and a Microphone. I'm Mark.
And I am Rob.
Alright. Well, okay. I got a whole bunch of stuff. The first third I feel is really interesting today.
Maybe not quite so punny, but a little bit more interesting.
So anyhow, we'll see how this goes. And like always, Rob, I want your input.
And I want, you know, if you hear something that you want to comment on or you hear something that you don't agree with,
of course, like always, I want you to say, hey man, hang on a minute, Mark, hang on a minute.
Was this the, you know, like we always do, okay?
You know I will.
Yeah, you always do. So, okay.
Well, no, not really. I'm kind of nice, guys. You know.
Well, you know what? It works. However it is, it works.
That's what gets me in trouble with the women. I'm too nice.
You know, that is.
We're going to leave it right there. We're going to leave that one right there.
Okay. We're going to leave that one floating in the air like a popcorn fart.
Okay. No, it does. It does. And the problem is, is this right here, is you don't want to be a dick.
You don't want to change who you are.
But the more you run through issues like such that we're just, you know, kind of touching on,
the more you consider.
Especially when you're older.
Yes, the more you consider selling your soul a little bit to, you know, to, you know, to get a relationship.
But that's not the way it's done.
The way it's done is, is this right here. You be true to yourself.
And that's all it is. And if someone likes it, they'll catch on and they'll come with you.
That's the way it is. So anyhow.
Well, I'm still old school. I try to be true to myself.
I don't want to be true to them too.
Sometimes.
If they don't want to be true to me, what the hell am I supposed to do? You know?
Sometimes.
That's kind of what we were touching on before we went on air.
Yeah. Sometimes it's impossible to do so.
So anyhow, let's let's go ahead and move along to the first third. That sound good?
Let's do it. Let's get this shit show started.
All right. Here we go. I got the shovel. I'm getting ready to shovel this shit.
Ooh, hot and heavy rumor is that McDonald's, because of the $20 an hour law in California,
the hamburger chain is considering moving out of Cali.
The law is that the starting wage at any fast food joint starting pay must be $20 an hour.
What?
It is. It's been like that for, I don't know, a couple of months maybe.
Dude, I barely make that in what I do.
Yeah. Here's the problem though.
And I've busted my ass for years.
In California, $20 an hour.
That's the problem. See, that's the problem.
They keep raising minimum wage and all that.
Those of us that have been in the business,
that's worked our way up, get screwed, man.
Because people like, I love my son,
but my son came in making a hell of a lot more than I did.
And I've only been there seven years, and he's almost up to what I make.
But I bust my ass.
Manufacturing and construction is notoriously cheap.
See my old company. See the stuff I used to say, I say about them.
That one day I could say, we have good benefits,
our company at least tries to take care of us.
It sounds like your company is a hell of a lot better than a lot of them
and a lot of them that I know about.
So you know, I mean, you can look at it at different things,
but you know what, maybe you'd just be happy for your son making more than you
and having maybe a little bit easier path paid for him. Right?
Yeah, I am. I am.
But it's still time.
At the same time, I'm thinking about what I make and how hard I've worked all my life
and how hard I work now.
Well, okay.
I should be slamming everybody in that shop, but I'm not.
You ever think about having a talk?
Because of how long I've been there.
Maybe you need to have a talk with the owner and say, hey, look,
I don't know about the format.
Okay, well, you know what?
Down there, I think.
Okay, but here's the problem.
Down there, there's not a whole lot of jobs that pay that well.
Oh, especially with the benefits.
Yes.
That's what I'm saying, the benefits.
Yeah, so I mean, I don't think, I don't think,
and here's another problem with manufacturing and construction.
They think that anybody can replace you,
but there's a lot of people like my old company and stuff like that
that realize that they can't, but they're sure going to try.
My company already knows they would have a very hard time replacing me
because of my knowledge.
Because nobody, not even the foreman knows what they do up there where I'm at.
You know what I mean?
It's my job.
Okay, well, let's get back on track, okay,
because we don't really have an answer to that.
Okay, the laws hurt more independent, smaller, localized chains.
Reddit and other online sources are implying that McDonald's itself
could be spreading the rumors to garner more interest in the chain.
You know, the public outcry or the backlash, right?
People are like, oh, you can't take away our McDonald's.
This is bullshit.
Kind of reminiscent of the Pepsi trying to dethrone Coke in the 80s
with a huge taste test all over the country.
Coke took away its classic formula as a response to the momentum of the taste test
where more people picked Pepsi over Coke.
The public outcry was insane when they did that, remember?
People were mad they were writing Coke, picketing, and all sorts of stupid shit.
And guess what?
They got Coke back with an apology to boot and they got better sales than it was before.
You know, I mean, if I was Kelly, I'd be more worried about in-and-out sleeping
than McDonald's with old dried-up ground cow asshole burger, allegedly.
So it could be that, yeah, it could be that.
Or it could just be straight rumors.
Someone just saying, oh, hey, I got a guy way up there in McDonald's
that told me that they're getting ready to pull out of California
because that Governor Newsom's such a stupid buck.
It could be something like that, right?
Well, I mean, I go back to Pepsi and Coke.
Coke did the most brilliant thing when Pepsi was gaining on them
and getting people to go, oh, your Pepsi tastes better than Coke.
And they took it away.
They said, you're right, we suck.
What were we thinking?
Let's take our product back and let's come out with a Pepsi clone.
And people were furious.
And then when they brought it back, more people ran out
and grabbed the Coke Classic formula is what they called it when it came back.
The other stuff was called New Coke, remember?
Yeah.
I should write an article about that.
Yeah.
I'll throw it up the other day.
Well, I mean, it could be something like that, but who knows?
But here's the bottom line on this.
I don't think I give enough shit, and maybe I should have put that in news
nobody gives a shit about.
As a matter of fact, you might see that in one of those segments.
So anyhow.
All right.
There is growing evidence that Tornado Alley is shifting to the east.
I've been thinking this for a while.
Weather patterns over the last 20 years have indicated that the area
most prone to tornadoes and large, long-track destructive vortexes
is no longer in the central and south-central plains,
but now more towards Louisiana and the edge of south and central areas.
Other oddities have been northern states like Wisconsin having a tornado.
That would be southeastern, wouldn't it?
Yeah, but it's talking about some other stuff, too.
Okay, and there have been oddities like Wisconsin having a tornado
in February earlier this year.
That's unheard of.
Wisconsin is supposed to be like 10 below in February.
Not supposed to be having tornadoes.
Spring-like activity.
So anyhow, Kansas is pretty overjoyed with the news.
They're getting tired of replacing their bowling alleys.
Those twisters love trailers in the bowling alleys, don't they?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Well, I do, too.
Okay, yeah.
No twisters.
If there's a trailer park or a bowling alley in that town, they will hit it.
So anyhow.
Yeah, I'm a down-to-earth guy.
Yeah, I like them.
Okay, that's cool.
I like them way away from me.
So anyhow.
I'd rather sit around by a bowling alley and watch a twister any day.
Watch it destroy their own bowling alley for five counties?
Yeah.
Yeah, hell yeah.
Some retailers are urging their employees to wear body cams when they work for shoplifting evidence.
You know, do they really think this is going to work?
You can't find them now when you need them.
You know, I mean, you can't find any employee.
Better option, give every customer a loud whistle to blow when they're in an area where they need helping.
Right? Would that be great?
Yeah.
You blow that for a minute and every available worker around will be right there.
Better yet, I'll bring my megaphone.
I will bring my megaphone.
I used to torture the Methersons with that live next door to me.
The air raid feature that I showed you, remember the air raid sound on it?
I've heard it, yeah.
The air raid feature would splinter everybody's air drums up to 100 foot away.
You're welcome, America.
You want answers?
We got them.
And the new, speaking of bowling alleys, the new hot and heavy trend is bowling warehouses.
You ever hear of that, Rob?
No.
That's right, a giant warehouse full of bowling lanes.
It's actually a pretty cool idea and at most of them,
you bring your own food, so you want a meatloaf or a chicken cordon bleu, no problem.
Just grab that shit with bowling shoes in the bowl and you got yourself an evening.
Looks as if fun in most of these bowling warehouses, you can purchase drinks at the warehouse.
You get a big draft of yin-ling with your fried chicken and taters.
So, I mean, you know, that sounds good.
So basically, it is a huge warehouse with nothing but lanes and like one little bar over there in each corner.
So it's like a bar in each corner.
So you can go get a beer, you can get a cocktail, whatever you want.
And then you go back to your one of the 20,000 bowling lanes that are in this thing.
So it's pretty interesting concept, isn't it?
Yeah.
You know, this is something weird.
Finally, in the first third, someone stole the gay pride stage from the area of Crown Center here in Kansas City.
I read that. I read that.
I'm just amazed that some people...
I'm going to leave it alone. I'm going to leave it alone.
Okay. How the fuck does someone come up and steal a huge stage in the middle of Kansas City, a heavily populated urban area?
That right there was my question. It didn't matter whether it was gay or not.
My question was how the hell they steal that stage.
Yes.
Okay.
Which serves the spotlight of everything.
I'm saying there is more to this story because I just don't believe you can go up and steal a big stage and not get seen.
I'm still like, what the fuck?
They showed the stage on TV and there's a huge ass stage.
How the hell does someone go steal that thing at night?
You'd have to have trucks. You'd have to have about 20 people.
You'd have to have wrenches. You'd have to have tools.
You'd have to have all this stuff.
How in the hell do you steal a stage?
Something is...
Okay. Here's my question.
And I hate to bring this up.
Go ahead.
But why was not at least Kansas City Police Department watching it?
Nobody was watching that thing.
But who would think that somebody would steal the stage?
Okay. Okay Rob. Here's something to think about.
Most of these venues, they have insurance.
Okay. And all this stuff for all different things.
Well part of that insurance is you hire a security guard.
Right? Or a few of them to watch the thing at night.
Evidently not.
I guess not. I mean I don't know how you could put all that stuff up and just leave it alone.
Most of these places it's entwined with the insurance because I knew a guy that did events like that before.
I don't know what happened to him.
If at time it would take to steal a stage, why couldn't a security guard not get around there to notice?
That's what I'm saying. Think about all the noise they would have had to make.
They would have been napping on the job like most security guards.
Yeah, but I mean think of all the noise they would have had to make.
Think about all the people that would have had to have been there to do it.
And think about all the trucks.
There are a lot of people around in the area that I've witnessed.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean I think something stinks about this story and I think we're going to find it out.
I'm right now saying that is not what it seems.
I thought about that because I wrote it.
Yeah, there is something not right about that story.
So anyhow, we shall see.
And finally, I want to mention this side note here.
The other day Val and I went to this vendor deal.
It was kind of like a fair.
And there is this cookie maker in Kansas City that is head and tails above everybody else.
It's Casey Cookie Dealer.
You can look her up on Insta and Facebook.
And that stuff not only was it the neatest stuff I've ever seen.
Like Patrick Mahomes cookies that look just like him.
Footballs. I mean every occasion.
I mean not only that but they taste so good.
Anyhow, I just had to mention it.
You know they're not paying me or nothing.
They were just the warmest nicest people.
Anyhow, the product was so good that I'm telling you.
If you need cookies like that or if you need them for an event, look up Casey Cookie Dealer.
They are fantastic stuff.
I'm telling you. I was amazed at it.
I will.
Yeah. Yeah. It's a really good product.
And I mean they were just the nicest people when we met them.
So anyhow, alright I'm done with the first third.
Rob, we turn to you.
Alright. Are you ready for this?
This is off KCTV5.
You need to buy a lot of jam too.
Okay real quick. I'm smoking a cigar.
I'm not smoking a joint.
If people are hearing that lighter flick.
Go ahead.
I had an email. I had an email.
I had an email on that.
So anyhow, go ahead.
Oh really?
Someone said you're getting blasted.
We'll talk about that one later.
I didn't care if they thought that but that's not the truth.
I'm smoking a cigar.
Anyhow, go ahead Rob.
Anyway, an Alaska Airlines flight carrying a Kansas City icon returned to the airport after crews noticed a fuel leak.
On Friday, June 7th, Tech 9 took to Facebook following some airline troubles.
I love Tech 9.
Yeah, it was Tech 9 that was on its flight.
He's such a genuine cool dude.
It was hometown.
Yeah, he is just a genuine cool dude.
Yeah, he's awesome.
Anyway, he said the flight he was on, Alaska Airlines 291.
Yeah, 291. Think about that one.
Yeah, like the highway?
Yeah.
Yeah, 291.
The plane which was headed to Seattle returned to KCI after its 3 p.m. departure on Friday, which was last Friday, today's Sunday.
Flight aware shows that the aircraft made a U-turn about an hour into the flight above Lincoln, Nebraska.
Wow, that's quite a ways.
It was scheduled to land in Seattle around 7 p.m.
Early Saturday morning, Alaska Airlines confirmed that the reason for the flight's return was potential fuel leak.
Oh, potential. It may not have actually been one.
The pilots noticed indications of a potential fuel leak, so they followed the checklist and shut down the number one engine on the left side of the aircraft.
The crew followed standard procedures for the situation and safely landed and without incident at Camp City at 435.
Uh-huh.
So they turned all the way around and let, you know, let's see, they took off at 3.
And, oh, where the hell did they go? And they went, so an hour and a half later, they landed back at KCI.
So they went up to Lincoln and did a turnaround.
Yeah.
I'm surprised they did not land in Lincoln or Omaha.
They were on the return of our guests and they terminate their travel to Seattle and we apologize to them for their to be.
Um, I'm surprised they didn't go to Omaha.
Now, here's my question.
Uh-huh.
You say you're sorry for the inconvenience.
Yeah.
But is that what you're going to look and tell Tech9?
No. No. Tech9 has a lot of pool.
Sorry for your inconvenience, but.
No, Tech9 could come out and say they are the worst company ever. They, in my opinion, screwed me over and they would lose a lot of business.
The leasing camps, well, no, Tech9's everywhere.
He's a big national act.
So, yeah, he would lose them some business if he wanted to.
But I don't know if he's necessarily that type of guy.
He is just a really good, fun-loving guy.
And I don't think he'd even do it anyhow. I don't think he would be vindictive like that.
He does not seem like that type of person.
But if he was, he could really screw him.
If you want to know what kind of person he is, I'll add his tweet here.
Okay.
So here I am bringing some new COSM tunes on the way to Alaska, about an hour.
So any air from KC, when the flight attendant is wildly waiting at me to lift my seat and tray saying the plane is leaking fuel.
So one of the engines went out.
So he turned us around and now I'm back in KC airport.
Or he's food because I'm starved.
The end.
SMH.
That was his tweet.
See?
He was really cordially nice about it like I thought.
He could have said these guys suck.
They're horrible.
Yeah, hell yeah.
He was actually very polite about it.
He flew over Lincoln, Nebraska, turned around and came back to Kansas City.
I'm surprised they came back to Kansas City.
Why didn't they go to Omaha?
Is what I don't understand. Or Lincoln even.
Lincoln has a big airport.
I mean that's where the Huskers play.
So I don't know. Who knows?
Yeah.
This is all alleged.
I don't know.
Oh well.
I'm just reading.
Alright. Thank you, Rob.
Alright. Let's take a first break and we come back.
And this is on KC-TV 5.
I believe it happened.
Yeah, KC-25.
One of your news stations where you're at.
Yeah. Yeah.
I don't like their meteorology department but the rest of them are pretty good.
Yeah, no. I don't either.
Yeah. I think they suck in that department.
Anyhow.
This is where I come up store after the workman.
That was. That was. Thank you, Rob.
We're going to take our first break.
I'm going to come back and I'm going to tell you a little thing about Major League Baseball.
I've already bashed him enough times but I'm even more irked at him now.
So.
Hey fellas. Remember to wipe away from the twins.
Stay fresh ideas from the douchebags.
The aboutlapse just happened.
You don't know what to do.
You don't know where to go.
But we can tell you what you can eat.
Dandelion can be stewed with wild mustard and wild garlic for a very tasty stew.
You could even introduce our old friend the hickory nut for a bit of smoky flavor.
Hey there, fuckstick.
You're just in time for brand new feature news nobody gives a shit about.
A belly dancer in Spain.
Belly dance for 48 hours beating the old world record by 5 hours.
Two douchebags and microphone in an effort to keep everything fresh.
We offer you.
First world problems.
My 76 inch smart HDMI.
Triphonic.
Stereo TV.
My remote won't work unless I'm right in front of it.
I can't believe it.
This is bullshit.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity.
If you ran like you ran your mouth you would be in terrific shape.
Brick shit house energy drink.
That's right brick shit house energy drink.
Make men throw it in the hole.
Chomp through the balls.
You want to fuck shit up?
Run for a scum across America?
Brick shit house is for you.
Please enjoy brick shit house energy drink responsibly.
It's not readily available anywhere.
Because of liability issues.
As much fun as an electric can opener to the scrotum.
Two douchebags and a microphone.
Have you ever wondered where something came from?
Have you ever looked at something and said,
I wonder what the origin of that is?
Well so have we.
That's why we give you.
The Origin of.
The origin of the hamburger bun.
The family of Oscar Willerby.
Claims the first known hamburger on a bun was served on July 4th.
1891 on Grandpa Oscar's farm.
The bun was reportedly a yeast bun.
Introducing Rob Radd's new book.
How to Track Your Enemy by Scent.
That's right.
Smell your enemy before they get you.
Order this gem now and get a free virtual tour of Rob's secret bunker in Camdenton, Missouri.
Also receive a free copy of his new book.
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Two douchebags and a microphone.
I'm Mark.
This is Rob.
Alrighty.
Well like I said.
Let me get right to it here.
Major League Baseball.
Pissed me off again.
And let me explain.
I've never been really happy with him in a long long time.
People know that the list in this program.
Um.
Topher and I are going to go see the Royals play an afternoon game.
Later this month.
Val has no interest.
To go so Topher agreed to go with me.
I got to speak.
I'll tell you what.
I'm getting jealous of you two.
Spent so much time together.
We've always spent a lot of time together.
So anyhow.
I'm kidding.
I know you are.
I love Topher.
I wish.
I wish we could talk more.
Honestly.
Well you know what.
He might come on the show a few times.
We'll see.
All of us do.
We'll see what happens.
Um.
I got the sweet deal they have at Selected Stores.
The deal is for two club level seats.
Third baseline or first baseline.
These are my favorite seats to watch anyhow.
Most Val balls are hit that way.
So then you know.
I purchased this.
I get a voucher in an envelope.
No biggie.
It gives you a code to pick up your tickets in selected areas and selected games.
Now this is all good until I get the Major League Baseball involved.
I redeem the voucher online at the website it specified.
Then it tries to take me to tickets you have to pay for.
Not the areas that I purchased.
I have to go through this process several times.
I finally after all these times and it wasn't on there before.
I know it wasn't.
I looked all over.
I find a redeem button.
I'm sure it wasn't there at first.
The first couple of attempts.
I'm really sure about it.
I redeem the tickets.
Yeah.
And I'm looking around the site to get my tickets.
So then you can't even get the tickets on that site.
Then it directs me to loading the Major League Baseball ballpark app.
Just to get my tickets dude.
I have to put that damn app on my phone just to get the tickets.
I think that's bullshit.
I believe it.
So I have to load this stupid thing.
I have to load this fucking thing even though I don't want to.
I don't want it on my phone.
You have to watch all the features before you get your tickets and before they arrive.
Then it tries to prompt me for a credit card.
This app is so sure I'm going to actually buy their shit.
I find a skip button finally.
So I skip out of that.
Then I find a look at your tickets button.
So now they have my email.
They can look forward to relentless spamming my email.
They can look forward to fucking with me for years to come.
The thing is I...
Trust me.
I'll be fucking with you for years to come.
Okay.
Here's the deal though.
I tried to give it a bullshit Gmail account that I have and somehow it could tell it wasn't
connected to my domain or whatever, my IP address, and it wouldn't take it.
It wouldn't take it until I gave it my Hotmail address and then it took it.
I think that's bullshit.
This is a classic example of the constant sell that I consider over and above.
I guarantee most elderly people who purchase the tickets could not figure this maze of
bullshit out.
You know, Congress, you really want to do something?
Quit spending our fucking money on bullshit and actually look at this.
This would be a great start.
Yeah.
It wasted an hour and a half of my time.
Easily an hour and a half.
I get that through girlfriends reading their texts to me.
You can say.
All right.
You can say.
That's fine.
All right.
Rob, you got something?
Yeah, I'm going to go.
I'm going to follow up on what I started last night.
Good.
Fun fact.
Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with another simultaneously.
That ambidextrous.
That truly ambidextrous.
Yeah.
Geez.
Yeah, that's truly ambidextrous.
Yeah.
He got everybody beat there.
Christopher Columbus did not step in the earth in his will.
Educated people had known this since ancient Greece.
Yeah.
Really, the people that didn't know it were kind of like the not so smart end of that
society.
I don't know.
Anyhow, go ahead.
Do we really have to go into a history lesson that saw us never in school?
Rob, let me put it like this.
There are still flat earthers out there.
Oh, I know.
There's people that don't believe Wyoming exists.
I feel sorry for them.
There's people that thinks that the government created Wyoming and it doesn't exist.
So, uh.
We talked about that.
Yes.
So, you tell me, Rob.
Yeah, I know somebody that moved there.
I've been through it.
I know people that live there.
I've been in Wyoming.
I know it exists.
The problem is, as a power of suggestion, people come up with this stupid shit and people
believe it.
Most of it is tongue in cheek and they just throw something out.
And then these sheep come up with their mouths open and go, oh, yeah, thanks.
I believe it.
Without checking anything.
They don't care.
They want to be told everything.
And so, there you go.
Anyhow.
I know, I witness it exists.
Yes.
Yep.
Anyhow.
That's all I'm saying.
You can get to this list now.
Okay.
Leonardo da Vinci.
Yeah, I know.
I read that one.
Yeah, that's all right.
Christopher Cormet didn't discover that the earth was round.
I don't know.
I educated people who know this since ancient Greece.
Okay, yeah.
Yeah, you went over that.
That's okay.
Yeah, my screen rolled up off of here.
I have that shit happen all the time.
Yeah.
Galileo.
Galileo Figaro.
Yeah.
Was not an astronomer, but also an accomplished musician.
He played the lute.
Not the flute, the lute.
Tell me what a lute is.
I have no idea.
I think I know what it is, but I don't want to...
Just move on.
Who cares?
Go ahead.
Yeah, the Mona Lisa has no eyebrows.
Really?
It possibly is really soft florets to shave them off.
If you look at the Mona Lisa pictures, she has no eyebrows.
No wonder she looks so angry.
Yeah.
This piece of crap made me shave off my eyebrows for nothing.
Yeah, she's just like my girlfriends.
Anyway, the Eye for Power was initially intended to be dismantled over 20 years.
It was saying because it proved useful as a giant radio antenna.
Oh, wow.
You got it, Alan?
Okay.
The Eye for Power was to be demolished within 20 years, but it proved useful as a radio
antenna.
Now, it's like one of the biggest landmarks, one of the wonders of the world supposedly.
It works.
Let's leave it be.
Let's work.
Let's let it work.
Yeah.
Okay.
Neat.
That's how we're getting our listeners over there.
Come on, Alan.
That's right.
Well, I don't think we have one listener in France.
We've got Belgium.
We've got other places around there, but not France.
I see the plants.
You know, I'm kind of offended.
Not one hit in Greece with all my relatives over there.
Not one of those fuckers bothered to pick up one episode.
Not one.
Not one's on you.
I have no relatives in Greece.
Okay.
Well, I'm just saying.
I'm just saying they're not backing their brother here.
They're not backing their boy.
It kind of hurts.
Kind of hurts.
Go ahead, Rob.
Okay.
I'm just going to go into a few more here, and I'll be done for this episode.
Well, okay.
Albert Einstein was offered the last presidency of Israel in 1952, but declined the offer.
Wow.
I didn't know that.
He is smart to decline the offer.
I'm going off what this list says.
I believe it.
Sounds good to me.
So, anybody knows, this is all fax.net.
So, it's got to be true.
Yeah, fax.net.
Who would buy that?
You would not buy that website unless everything on it was gospel, allegedly.
Yeah.
Anyhow, go ahead.
The shortest war in history was between Britain and Zanzibar on August 27th, 1986.
True.
Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
That is true.
I've known that for a long time.
Okay, and one more tonight.
Okay.
The Titanic had a sister ship, the Britannic.
And then they also had a paperback version, the Britannica.
Yeah, they did lose the right to school on that.
Yeah, we did.
I used to go through them and find words that nobody knew and use it on them, and I would
say it was something else.
It worked like a charm.
Okay.
Anyhow, go ahead.
Okay.
Well, the Titanic had a sister ship, the Britannica, who also sank.
However it was used in the hostile ship, there was World War I.
Okay.
Well, I think it was probably built the same way as the Titanic.
But I think in World War I, I've got like four more and I'm going to leave it right
there for this episode.
Okay, all right.
I think they came to the conclusion that the Titanic, they skimped on one thing and that
was the rivets.
They made smaller rivets instead of the bigger industrial ones.
The smaller rivets gave way when they hit the iceberg.
The bigger rivets would not have.
So they went against the engineering of it and they went with a cheaper ingredient and
that's what cost them everything.
A lot of lives and everything.
And that, I believe, is what determined it.
So its sister ship would have been the same way.
Not very durable.
So I believe it sank.
So I got one here.
All right, moving on.
What's the first thing that comes to mind when you think of summer in Southern California,
Rob?
Is it the sounds of waves?
Marijuana.
Okay, I can't argue with that one.
I can't argue with that.
My head is in Northern California.
Heroin addicts vomiting all over your yard.
Anyhow.
I said marijuana.
I went the heroin route.
So, you know, the sounds of waves crashing on the beach.
The feeling of some warmth on your skin or perhaps that sharp distinct smell of sunblock.
Right?
Just so everybody knows, we love California.
We do.
We give you kids.
Yeah.
So it is that third option.
Then there may be a new treat calling your name.
In a collaboration between Vacation and Los Angeles based luxury grocery chain Air Horn,
a sunscreen smoothie is now available just in time for summer.
Available in all 10 Air Horn locations throughout the month of June, the smoothie is meant to
resemble the smell of a vacation sunscreen, the brand says.
Featuring a refreshing blend of coconut banana aloe vera, Tahitian vanilla, blue pool water,
spirulina, and a sprinkling of sea salt.
One can expect the same leisure enhancing experience as our classic lotion with every
sip.
According to Vacation on Instagram.
So, Rob, we can go get a, we can, we can get to California.
We can get us a sunblock smoothie.
What do you think?
Huh?
Let's do it.
Let's Thelma and Louise there.
Yeah, let's just go Thelma and Louise there.
We're gonna get a set.
We're gonna run us a convertible and we're gonna have like a couple of bonnets in our
hair and we're just gonna be flooring it all the way to Cali.
Sound good?
Sure, sure.
Hell yeah.
smoke that shit like a couple of villains and fucking do stupid shit
run around naked making chicken noises hell yeah good stuff good stuff we should
run around we should run around naked making chicken noises shouldn't we yes
yes and the occasional goat and duck noise
which you're gonna kill me we ought to just do a podcast of those anyhow hey
let's take our we had we one email that would love it I know we had to Rob we had
to I didn't say the other yeah we had to and oh and by the way when I get the
emails we had probably oh by the way we have a new Montrose email from someone
that says they're the real Montrose not those other people and they're not real
happy they're not real happy with us no no no no I got to do all the emails
probably next episode or probably not Tuesday probably Wednesday's podcast
because Tuesday I got a bunch of invisible ass paddling so we got to get
to we're not gonna get to okay okay well off the air you're gonna tell me about
this one okay well I'm worried about my boys and Montrose well they say they're
the real Montrose and the other people are fake and and they say here I'll just
tell it on the air and I'll just read it they say we constantly badger and
ridicule okay well I don't have the email on me but okay basically here's
what it's saying okay it said that we constantly badger and screw with them so
bad and that we even have them on our douchebag pledge and they don't
appreciate it they think we're making fun of them they say they're good hard
working people their missile silo was hit but they don't want one from us they
don't need a pond dug they don't need a 76 Coupe de Ville bumper they don't need
a shovel quarter panel they said they don't need anything but maybe the guy
was funny though he said they might need the trophy so
he said very trophy okay well he could be someone else screwing with us but it was
funny he said he's a real Montrose and the other people are fake so whatever
yeah right I'm just gonna give them each other's email and let them fight it out
how's that yeah I honestly I think I might have to give this one to that guy
yeah yeah we do we do have a lot of sport at their expense we do so well
anyhow dear I guess all right hey let's take our second break and we're gonna
come back with how do you feel about Taiwan that's what I need to know he
said nothing about Taiwan but he didn't mention him okay yeah well yeah when you
hear this whoever you are the real Montrose email us about Taiwan we want
to know what you really think of them if you are the real Montrose so hey let's
take a break Rob we'll come right back true story all right we'll be right back
now it's time for pick up lines from a loser if I had a nickel for every time I
saw someone as beautiful as you I would have a whole five cents and now deep
thoughts with Mark
should I record frog sounds in the summer then play them when it's zero
degrees on my ring doorbell for the Amazon guy hmm yeah that sounds like oh
no it's the island of horrible jokes
someone took the fifth month out of my calendar I'm just made tomorrow morning
while grinding your coffee beans for your double mocha latte remember to not
get your genitals caught in the grinder it really hurts who can afford plastic
surgery hey safe everyone two douchebags in a
microphone the audio equivalent to the meat sweats remember to bleach your
Bluetooth after every show
two douchebags and microphone on mark
and I'm Rob Rob I almost think I'm a Gen Z er you know why do what I almost
think I'm a Gen Z er I almost think I'm a Gen Z er because they came out with a
list of foods no hang on I'm not I'm not I'm not but this list of foods I came
out with they said I know better I know better I know but this list of foods
they came out with is so dead on I agree with all of them oh except one I got to
read you this list of foods that the Gen Z er say they will never have and
it's gonna die as soon as they you know as soon as the X errs are all gone from
this earth and all that and you know the boomers and and maybe even the
millennium I don't think the Millennials have anything to do with this either
they don't like it either but it's mainly the Gen Z errs these are foods
they say are gonna go away under their power okay one is bran flakes they said
there's no way they're ever eaten it uh-uh it's not a part of their life they
don't accept it I think I agree with that what about you Rob
yeah it's a short time you know what I'm not a big cereal eater
me neither but if you're gonna eat cereal would be I mean if I eat breakfast
it better be like eggs and sausage and a biscuit yeah yeah but if you were to eat
cereal if you were to eat cereal would it be bran flakes no exactly
all right the next one yeah something something worth the while so what oh
yeah yeah if someone doesn't like if someone doesn't like cinnamon life you
got to check their hard drive there's something wrong with them all right next
one is green bean casserole I do not agree with that one that's the only one
I don't agree with me too so right there we don't agree with his ears but the
brand flakes yes and this next one I 100% agree I've never liked this shit
and I never thought it was good in any way but I know so many people love them
and that's deviled eggs okay I can't stand them okay not me maybe I've never
had him cook right I don't know I've had him with paprika I've had it without
paprika okay all right well we kind of did we differ on that definitely on
occasion like Christmas or Thanksgiving yeah that's the only time to be fair
that's the only time ever so double dates are okay all right okay I agree
okay okay the next one is liver pate 100% 100% 100% agree with that no never
never in a thousand million years would I ever like liver pate well there's more
liver coming up too but I'll get to that here a little bit liver pate liver pate
is only good for cats that's it no one else likes I don't even think dogs like
it liver pate is bullshit oh speaking of that I've got a special report coming up
about the the evil of kale and the rise and fall of the kale industry and how
evil it is so it's kind of like my baby but you know what I might I might
consult in him because he was captured by the evil kill do yeah I'll probably
consult him on this yeah all right then the next one all right that's cool the
next one is cottage cheese the next one is cottage cheese I like it too I like
it too okay I guess there's two the next one would be fluffernutter now help me
figure out what fluffernutter is let me hang on let me look okay okay I know the
name okay describe it okay oh you know okay I got it you know that that fluff
in a can marshmallow fluff yeah yeah it's white and it's fluffed up and it's
in a can it's called marshmallow fluff look it up on your phone it's horrible
okay I can't stand it I agree with him
yes that marshmallow fluff it comes in like a mayonnaise jar look at thing yeah
that's it I don't like it according to this
fluffernutter hang on hang on hang on I'm gonna go to the official Wikipedia
okay a fluffernutter also called as a peanut butter and marshmallow sandwich
oh wait a minute no no no no no I do not agree with him that that is pure heaven
in your mouth peanut butter and marshmallow fluff sandwich and marshmallow
fluff disagree disagree I love those things okay we differ with the zeers on
that one to fluffernutters are delicious yeah okay well there's another one we
disagree on the next one yes the next one is
Velveeta shells with cheese I'm not real fond of the Velveeta you love it okay
well I with you talking to mac and stills box that comes together you got
like mac and cheese yes not that not not the kind that you bake your own you know
you boil your own shells and add okay I don't care either way I like the Velveeta
brand anyway the only cheap shit is cheap shit I like
Rotel no no my when I bake mac and cheese I have to have some extra shredded
cheese yeah add more cheese you know what I mean okay I guess well Velveeta is not
that bad more money in the long run you know at least you got something you like
I still gotta buy the shredded cheese to add to it and it don't matter what
brand you buy that's what I notice I me and my son we always had more cheese
okay the next one is fruit cocktail you see I could like it but I don't like
the cherries and apples okay I get that yes got way too much syrup in it but um I
could like fruit cocktail they took out the cherries and the apples I think it
would be decent so anyhow I used to have cherries for me I'm good I'll take
apples I'll take everything yeah I mean cherries and apples but that's cool
talk about the sugar intake got me thinking this is too much syrup way too
much syrup it gets you sick and so anyhow okay the next one is creamed
corn I love it I'm not a fan I just think yeah no no I like it none of the rest of
my family does but I do so I make cream corn on the side by myself okay the
next one I have no idea what it is so we're gonna have to look it up
aspic ASP I see you got any idea
I agree look it up I agree it's horrible oh yeah I see yeah yeah it's horrible you
want to hear what it is food jelly it's meat jelly yeah look at the images of
that shit oh no way oh if you want to torture somebody make them eat this shit
they will tell you anything you want to hear geez oh oh my god who came over
that see no
that looks like a cartoon character
it is so ugly
that looks like eggs on top and a layer of shit and then meat up
it looks like a cartoon character
ooh I cannot believe people fucking like him
like something to see in a commercial
this does not look appetizing at all
I don't think it is not to me
okay anybody that wants to know what it is I'm gonna let you look it up
aspic
ASP I see
yep the next one is liverwurst
it is a jelly at the bottom I don't like it
liverwurst
liverwurst is horrible
just for the name liver that's all I'm gonna put
that's what I told you yep
the next one
again you make it worse
yeah yeah worst
it's the worst of liver
yeah yep no thank you
the next one is jello salad
I agree I agree
jello and salad should never cross paths
I won't touch it
it should have never crossed paths jello salad
yeah
jello lettuce never crossed paths
I guess there's another one I don't agree with at all
meatloaf
I like meatloaf
meatloaf
meatloaf is one of the best meals ever
I agree I agree
why is that on this list?
because John Z doesn't like it
and they say if it's up to them it's never going to be made again
okay well Gen Z sucks
next comes some Gen X
hey I don't know how many Gen Z listeners we have
so I'm not going to do a blanket statement like that
I'm just going to say that
jello salad or meatloaf
jello salad is horrible meatloaf is good
so you know what?
they don't have to have meatloaf
meatloaf has fed many families for years
so Gen Z get the fuck off of it
you know what? when they're earning their own money they might appreciate meatloaf
so there you go
the next one
there you go there you go
next one
yeah I got John that one good job
tuna noodle casserole
I agree
100%
fish and noodles do not belong together
tuna
fish and noodles should never be put together
that's an abomination of food
no they should not but I would eat it
I wouldn't
yeah tuna yes
okay next one
I'm sorry I'm a fish lover
you can like it Rob that's fine with me
I'm a Pisces
I'm a Pisces how can I not like fish food
I'm a Scorpio and I hate fish and I'm a water sign
so anyhow
well then how the hell do we get along all these years
I don't know
suddenly I don't like you
I don't like your water sign that's how
I don't like you anymore you like tuna noodle casserole I can't
no I'm joking
we get along
that's how we get along but to me that Pisces of them
whatever you are
I'm a Scorpio and anyhow
it's on the side in the water we're alright
we get along
yeah no I'm just
we survive
look
I look I mean
you and I personally
we get along better than that we know that
yeah I think it has no bearing
it has no bearing on anything
we will not be known as
yeah
alright next one is liver and onions and this is the final one and I agree with
it 100% and I know you do too
because it mentions the word liver
uh
uh no no no
alright that's all from the list
so Rob we turn to you you got something you want to uh
insert here
uh I'm sorry for that out after that
because you got my stomach hurting
well how about
how about if I go to my own paper what I gotta do is read it
okay
and try not to throw up after yours
cause I'm so remember
uh four memorable cover songs by country artists that were good as the original
that sounds cool
and it's country but now
can you guess where this is coming from
American songwriter
you got it buddy
I will love this
I know I know
I gotta come out with American
if I ever have any question if you love me or not you come up with American songwriter
and I can rest easy knowing that you love me
and it's pretty much every episode so you know
I'll talk you out of your head whether your wife says or not
I'm bare bottom does that make a difference
don't tell her I said that
no I'm not gonna I'm not gonna
look like I said she does not listen to this this is not her stuff
so I mean you know
uh anyhow
it's probably a good thing
I sleep bare bottom my porky pig is that okay
I don't know you have to ask your wife about that
well you said you're gonna tuck me in
so I sleep with my ass up I put my ass in the air
I don't care
I sleep with my well you're the one that said you're gonna tuck me in you care if my ass is hanging out
all nice and pink
I don't care
uh lurched out
I don't care
I sleep with my head down and my ass pumped up out
that was years ago
I don't know
anyhow Rob go ahead with this list
that was like almost 40 years ago
let's go ahead and go with this list
almost 40 years dude
I know
did you believe
oh no
next year
well March 5th this coming year
we will have known each other 40 years
can you believe that
unfortunately yes
I can believe it
1986
okay guys two more
no we met in 85
yeah we did it was 85
85 is when we met
wow
yeah
that will be my 40th my 40th uh my 40th anniversary
we've known each other 40 years dude
that's gonna be my 40th anniversary for a graduating class
that's gonna be scary
well actually I've seen a lot of people that I graduated with it is scary
I'm telling you
I don't know what they did in life but it did not help them
well before you graduated March 5th
it was my birthday
I met you
March 5th
wow cool
I'm sure I cracked you in the balls on your birthday
didn't I
no no not the first night you waited
waited a couple nights okay alright
you seem cool
you guys
you and John were nice
you and John and Jimmy and all them were
nice and introduced to me
uh huh
but then after that you got shit
I was like I guess I was like
the lonely kid whatever
well what
I surprised you guys I was more than what you thought
you were you
I was a partier
you enjoyed our mischief
I was a partier you did not know it
you enjoyed you enjoyed our mischief
you were part of it
oh god I love you guys
well we love you too
I'm part of you and John brothers always
yep
yeah those are good times definitely
alright American songwriter let's get this thing back on track
yeah the four memorable cover songs by Tungent
or this that were as good as the original
okay
okay first up
Ronnie Milsach cover of Am I Losing You
that's a good choice
Ronnie Milsach times in the charts back in 1981 with his take on Am I Losing You
the track itself was originally written and performed by Jim Rivers in 1957
I have no problems with that
Reese first recorded managed to hit number three on the country charts back in like 57
okay
and his recorded version of the song from 1950 had number eight
Milsach did a great job but there's nothing quite like the original
so Ronnie Milsach's version of Am I Losing You did not hit the top charts
wow I would have thought it did
it seemed pretty popular
yeah it did I remember
yeah
I remember
actually at the time I thought it was original it was not
okay
okay next we have George Brooks cover of Calling Baton Rouge
okay
this was a shocker because it was so close together
this one memorable cover song that bands may not know was pinned by a different country artist
okay
so Brooks did an excellent job calling Baton Rouge back in the 90s
okay
and he did hit number two on the country charts and it performs a song live on tour today
the version by Newgrass Revival
that was a band that originally released it
Newgrass Revival was also a top 40 chart topper back in 1989
okay
Brooks took it to a step further asking the members of OG band to record the song with him for his 1993 album and pieces
wow
so this song came out on this album and pieces
but he used the original band to do it
I never knew that
I'm a major old Garth Brooks fan
especially in that time
I did not know that
I'm unfamiliar so I don't know what to say so I'll take your word
no I know the song and everything
I just did not know this other band did it
four years early
okay
and then they collaborated with him to put the song out on his album
wow
same band
that's pretty good
Newgrass Revival
you want to hear them? Check them out
yep
what's the name? What's them up on YouTube?
after the show
uh next up
Dolly Parton's cover of But You Know I Love You
yeah that's a good one
everybody loves them
yep
this song was originally written by Mike Settle in 1969 for Kenny Rogers
whom he was in a band with
as well as Bill Anderson
Parton's version from 1981 added a more feminine and notable Dolly Flair to the song
cool
so it was yeah it was adjusted
it was originally done by Kenny Rogers in fact
okay
so I'll have to look to I forget the name of the band at the time
okay
which I should know I should know the name of that band
okay last one
okay
and seeing how these are songs from country
what do you think the last one is? The last remake
is it a Johnny Cash?
yep
Waylon Jennings?
yep way off way off
I don't know go ahead
okay I'll go into it
okay
and there's the last one on American Songwriter
okay
number four
is Ruben McIntyre's cover of Fancy?
oh okay
alright okay good okay I'm great with that
just didn't think about it
this famous tune
okay this famous tune is one of Ruben McIntyre's most well known songs to date
it climbed the charts very quickly back in 1991
yep
and it still had some listening power today
however it was actually her song
Fancy was originally written and recorded by singer Bobby Gentry back in 1969
okay I'm gonna leave it right there
okay
because I know both songs I know both songs
I grew up with I grew up with the original you did too
cool
and then Reba come out with it and I'm gonna tell you what
uh huh
I love Reba
I do too
she's awesome
she did a magnificent rendition of that song
I love the original by Bobby Gentry
but Reba just knocked down the park and brought it back to life and put it back on the charts
cool
so my opinion
that's cool
all right wow thank you Rob that was a very good list
okay
like I said I'm gonna have a special report hopefully next week if not
I've got emails that I got to do I've got Ask Padlands I got a list of Ask Padlands we got got to get to
but I'm going to do a special report on the evils of the kale
yeah we do
the kale industry and its evilness and how its deception and its rise to evil power and its fall
yeah yeah you and I are both on the Ask Padlands these days
yes we are we got 11 of them again and now I have two I had to put on hold
so a lot of Ask Padlands going to be ahead
let's do that tomorrow night
okay
oh no the night of Sunday we got to do it Tuesday
so yeah Tuesday night we'll do the Ask Padlands
and once we're done that we'll try to get to the emails that sound good
yeah
all right everybody oh hi grandma Opal hi Jimmy hi Ricky
hi grandma hi Jimmy hi Ricky
Dodge City Kansas rah rah rah we love you guys hope you guys are doing well
you guys are dodging the storms because pretty much every one of them are moving my way
they've been getting some Ask Padlands with Mother Nature I can tell you that so
yeah well I think they're going I think the storms are hitting up or going between you and me honestly
yeah they are they are yep they're gonna split to the north or the south
I hate to say that
although we did get over the last two days we probably got about three inches of rain
we've been getting them at night been a pretty interesting phenomenon that's for sure so anyhow
yeah we did get ours at night too but they ain't been near that
oh we we'd last night the storms are not severe but they were some really loud ones that kind of got your attention
anyhow the night before we had some loud ones too but nothing severe just really really localized heavy rain lightning thunder a little bit of wind
so nothing to complain about that's for sure
except all the limbs in my yard we got a lot of trees in our yard and it sucks ass
I mean I love the trees but man they produce a lot of sticks so
Hey Amy come up and help me clean it up
Hell yeah come on up
You would love it, you and I both would love it we know that
Hell yeah
That's a stupid question
Yep you gotta wear your loin cloth that's on your jigsaw puzzle
Is that a deal?
Pick up twigs in your backyard definitely
Yes you gotta wear your loin cloth and I will wear
I will wear a floral skirt, does that sound good?
With a durag, with no shirt and a durag and cowboy boots
It'll look fantastic
Alright everybody thank you for listening good night assholes
Good night assholes
Oh no looks like the show's over kids Mark has explosive diarrhea and can't afford a wireless mic
Fear not assholes they'll be back invading your ear holes soon