And now it's time for...
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Here at Two Deucebags in a Microphone, we don't stand behind our journalistic integrity.
Go ahead and assume we got the story wrong. At least we admit it.
Not like all those other guys, we can and will lie if it makes the story better.
Two Deucebags and a Microphone.
We Talk.
Jesus.
And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark.
Does the dictionary actually have the word dictionary in it?
Maybe I'll go look.
No batlight here. These idiots just show up and hope for the best.
Two Deucebags and a Microphone invade your ear holes and...
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I'm here to tell you that there's no better way to relax than...
listening to Two Deucebags and a Microphone by a nice warm fire at night.
I sit there and I reflect on all the souls I burned that day. Enjoy.
Jammed X. What the hell happened?
You were the generation of change.
You never wanted to be one of them.
At the feet. Spoke for you.
Hunk the man. Hunk the system.
What the hell happened?
The generation of angst.
The generation of noncompliance.
Is now buying a boat.
You're really fed up until someone dangled a dollar near you.
Great job, Xers. Everything's ruined.
Two Deucebags and a Microphone. I'm Mark.
And I am Rob.
Rob, how you doing tonight?
I'm doing pretty good.
Good?
I'm feeling pretty good today.
Well, we love to hear that. And I'm doing pretty well myself.
That's good to hear.
Yeah. Nobody knew it, but we were kind of on a little vacay last week.
You know, we did all of our stuff Sunday night because Monday I was off to Eureka Springs, me and Val were.
And I've got a lot of information on there. It's a pretty interesting trip. It's a lot of fun.
But a lot of things happened that were very interesting, including the weather.
Right.
Yeah, the weather was something else. Including me losing another phone.
So anyhow, you know, yeah, well, I had a friend of mine that asked how the trip was.
He wants me to give a report because he's been listening on all the phones I've lost.
He knows of four of them. He knows four of them on job sites I lost.
And he mentioned a couple of them.
So I have a full report on what I remember. But anyhow, he's like, dude, you constantly lose your...
You lost two in like the last two weeks.
I know. And I lost four out on job sites. I think there was more. I just don't remember them.
I think I had one in Iowa at one point, too. But anyhow.
Okay. So, so I got a report of my phones and what happened.
And one of the funniest ones, which happened in Philadelphia.
So anyhow, I'll talk about that here in a little bit.
Okay. Okay. So when I booked this trip, I booked a room in a completely different place.
In a cabin instead of our usual and very loved place. Flat Iron Flat Suites.
You know, Flat Iron Flat Suites is a really nice balcony room.
It's got a balcony overlooking the spring and center streets on one side.
And on the other side, it looks over the basin park and the whole downtown region.
It's just beautiful. I like go out there and smoke a cigar.
You know, just kind of like, just think about life.
It's beautiful. Watch people walk by. Watch people argue. Watch people kiss.
Watch people yell at each other. Watch people almost hit each other, you know, with cars.
You know, it's pretty interesting, very relaxing for me.
But we opted not to do that because we wanted, I don't know, something a little bit more remote.
So it worked out well and I'll let you know why.
A day before our trip, Cassville, Missouri and Rogers, Arkansas were hit by tornadoes.
And they weren't just hit by it. They were like torn to shreds.
At least Rogers was and Cassville wasn't much better. They were a little bit better.
But so on the way down, we went through Cassville and witnessed major damage to homes,
huge oak trees uprooted and just shrapnel everywhere.
I mean, just like wadded up metal all over the place.
It was tore up pretty badly.
The Cassville tornado then it skipped across the city and went through the hills and woods and it hit Beaver Lake.
It hit the campground, which I don't know if they ever figured out who all was there or not,
because it's a campground, right?
So they found supplies in the lake. They found tents and trees.
They found food all over the place.
So when it hit Beaver Lake, there were people. This is Memorial Weekend.
There were people, there's a lot of people there camping.
Beaver Lake is a huge camping area and that's where the tornado decided to hit.
So I don't think the whole word's out on what all happened there and how many people may have perished.
Hopefully nobody, hopefully they all heard the roar because there aren't any sirens out there.
It's a campground.
Right. Yeah. So that may end up being a lot worse than what we know.
So anyhow, we don't know about that yet.
There are thoughts and prayers to each and everyone involved.
Absolutely. And especially Rogers, Arkansas.
That was horrible.
I wish I wouldn't went through there now. I knew it was bad, but I didn't know how bad.
So anyhow, Beaver Lake is around eight miles from Eureka Springs.
Eureka Springs didn't have a tornado, but it did not escape injury.
The severe thunderstorms that went through the town had 80 mile an hour winds.
There is quite a bit of damage to homes and trees, multiple trees and debris blocking the road.
The town was without power the night before we arrived.
Then we got the south side. When we got there, the south side of the town had power, was restored.
And the north side, it was not.
So luckily, where Flatiron Flats is where we normally stay, Flatiron Flat Suites, where we normally stay,
is a little bit on the north side of the town and the cutoff for the electricity was the next building.
So it was without power.
So we chose to do a more tranquil small cabin this time.
And luckily, it was on the extreme south side.
So when we checked in, the power was restored, but barely.
It came back on an hour before we checked in, Rob.
So we missed all the storms the night before. We opted to go Monday instead of Sunday night.
We could have went there Sunday night. We would have ran right into those vicious storms.
So we lucked out right there.
And then we get to our cabin and we lucked out there because we didn't have any time without power because of the timing.
We got there right at about 3 and the power was restored at that particular place at 2.
And the guy told me when we checked in, he goes, man, you got great timing.
I go, what do you mean? He goes, we just got power back an hour ago.
I was like, wow. And I was yet to go into the town yet and see all the damage. I had no idea.
I was on the south side over Van Buren, over the Bluff.
They didn't get a whole lot of damage there.
The north side got pretty tore up.
And so then he said, you know, there's huge storms that came through and all that tore the power out.
So, OK, so came on now before we checked in.
The place we normally book flat iron flats was without power until late the next day after we arrived.
So the people that were already booked to that site at town without power had to just sit there and do nothing basically.
So when we went through town, we drove by the place we normally stay at in the Basin Park and all of these places, all these hotels in New Orleans Hotel.
And there's people standing out on the road.
And we're like, man, what's going on? How come everyone's just standing here?
How come everything's closed?
Well, the power was off and there was only one restaurant open in the whole town because that was the one that was on the same power grid as the hospital is.
Ermelio's our favorite Italian joint is great place.
So so we're like, what the hell is going on?
Then we realized it. These people were inside baking because there's no air.
A lot of these hotel rooms have no window and they have nothing to do.
They can't watch TV. They can't even charge up their phones.
OK, so they're just like sitting there miserable on their vacation because all the power is out to that side and there's nothing open.
So anyhow, nothing was open is hot inside without air.
You know, we dodged such a bullet.
The restaurant we always go to Ermelio's was the only place open and with power due to it being on the same grid as the hospital.
So they normally are open four to eight every night in the four in the afternoon to eight at night.
And they stay. And then that night, because no one else had power, people were calling off the hook.
This is what they were telling us.
People were calling left and right going, hey, you guys have power like, yeah.
And all they could do was say, come on down, come on down.
And they finally got through everybody a little bit after 11.
And then they probably didn't get to close to like one or something when they're used to closing at like 10.
And they were all wore out and they were gassed.
And you could tell. But, you know, they stayed open.
You know, they have enough money. They make a lot of money out the restaurant.
They do well. They did this because they give a shit about the people.
So they stayed open to serve the people.
So anyhow, there's like a lot of food choices picked from.
But that night there was only Ermelio's and then we opted to go there the next night when we didn't have to wait in line for hours.
And it was excellent, like always.
The Italian and Ermelio's I can confidently put up against any place I know of.
I'm talking anywhere. I've been to a lot of different Italian restaurants.
I love pasta and Italian food. It's my favorite food in the whole world.
And I went to a lot of them. I went to a lot of really good ones.
And I could put them up against anybody.
And this family could go to a bigger town and make a hell of a lot more money.
But they choose not to. They like it there.
It didn't disappoint us again. It was just fantastic.
Val had the pan-fried halibut.
And I had the meatballs with a side of pasta and olive oil.
It was terrific.
Now, I don't know if you feel the same way about this, Rob.
But to me, one of the best things you can have, and it's simple, is pasta like linguine.
With olive oil.
And I think some sort of vinegar, I don't know, it's mixed together.
And it has little chunks of garlic in it. It's so good.
And it was made just perfect. A little lemon back taste to it. It was just fantastic.
So all of it was good.
Val had the key lime pie for dessert.
And I had the pistachio crusted cannoli.
What do you think about that, Rob?
That sounds good.
Man, I thought it would have made the ride back because we had some shopping to do at the end.
I would have brought you one and ran it by Camdenton.
But you know what? I got the taken.
This is a destination we can both go to.
So anyhow, we'll get to that later off.
But I think we all ought to do a trip down there.
I'll bring my laptop and we could even do a podcast down there.
Right. That'd be cool.
Yeah. OK, so back to the cabin.
One reason I love this place so much is because it had a large fire pit with huge comfortable wooden chairs.
It had the huge homemade wooden chairs made out of logs and there were shellac.
It was beautiful. And they have plenty of wood to burn as well.
It also had a waterfall and outdoor grills to use and a picnic shelter.
So, you know, I'm sitting there. I'm like, man, you know, I'm going to start a fire.
I got to show you pictures of this place or send you some. It's beautiful.
So I find lighter fluid there on this stump.
You know how they cut a stump off and they use it as an end table?
Yeah. OK, they have those as end tables and there's lighter fluid on it.
So, you know, I use the fluid to start up a nice cozy fire.
So around 20 minutes later, a man walks up and I'm the only one out there.
He informs me that it's his lighter fluid and I use most of it and he wasn't happy.
I explained to him that, you know, that leaving it on the stump table, you know,
gave the impression that was there for everybody to use.
It looked like community lighter fluid.
I mean, you know, why in the world would you take it with you if you leave?
I said to him, you know, I didn't appreciate his tone that he used on me.
And I also said, look, man, I said, I'm an honorable man.
If you calm down, I will go get you more to replace the other.
I had to go to Berryville anyhow, but to get a new phone because I dropped my new phone,
I had to replace the one I had that I had to replace the one a couple of weeks ago
that I ran over with the motor, with the mower, the rider.
And then this one, I dropped a new phone on a rock trying to take a picture of a hilltop.
So this is my third phone I'm buying in probably about a week and a half.
I drove to Berryville. I bought a new phone. Disgusted as hell.
I get back to the cabin and there are people sitting around the pit.
I bring out the lighter fluid to use and they had fluid.
I asked, you know, hey, you know, where's that guy so I can give him his fluid back?
And they all started laughing. And I'm like, what?
And he did that to everybody. He was nuts.
He thinks that people go around and steal his lighter fluid.
And I'm like, what? And they go, no, it's not his lighter fluid.
He goes, dude, I'm the maintenance guy here. I know the owners.
This is community lighter fluid. This is not his.
He's done this to me. I told him to go fuck off.
He did this to Hattel over here. He told him to go fuck off.
And he did it to Ben over there. And he told him to go fuck off.
So I was the only asshole that believed him.
They all kind of looked the other way, but I knew I was the only asshole that believed him.
You know, the guy's nuts, obviously.
He'd show up the fire pit whenever something new was there.
Hey, that's my lighter fluid.
You don't question, like I told him, I said, you don't question something like lighter fluid.
You know, if it's like a wallet, a phone, something, OK, it'd be like, all right, I understand.
But lighter fluid is like who in the hell goes around claiming lighter fluid, right?
You don't think that someone's fucking with you, you know?
And so obviously he is nuts. So anyhow, I'm like, well, you know what?
The freak, he disappeared. So anyhow, I wasn't going to give him the lighter fluid anyhow.
But, you know, I needed some lighter fluid at home.
I used it all doing a couple of briskets a couple of weeks ago.
So I needed it anyhow. So I just took it home.
And now I didn't have. Yeah, I didn't have to go to Wal-Mart and get some more.
So anyhow, that's a pretty interesting thing that someone would that's totally nuts would go around and do that.
So anyhow, let me find my other piece of paper here and I could go on there.
OK, so my new first phone pics are of the fourth floor for the fourth floor of the outdoor patio at the Crescent Hotel.
I took some fabulous sunset photos.
Hopefully I won't destroy this phone, you know, and hopefully I get to keep these sunset pics a little while longer.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
You know, I had a few craft brews up there and Val had a couple of pina coladas on the deck.
This wasn't much needed relaxing time, although it doesn't sound relaxing.
It was very relaxing. So yeah.
And I mean, I know there's a lot going on in everything, but it was very relaxing.
I mean, the nut bag saying that to me and all that, it didn't mean anything.
You know, I actually it was kind of amusing.
The storm, we missed it and we had power every second we were there.
So anyhow, the fire pit was just such a solace.
I just sat out there, held the day we were leaving.
I went out there for three hours.
I spilt like a big smoke bomb and we had places to go to some of the stores after that.
And I'm sure I probably went in there like, fuck, what this guy do?
Build a bonfire.
But I was just sitting around the fire for about three hours, just sitting there smoking a cigar.
It was fantastic.
So coming back home, we opted to go through Rogers, Arkansas.
This was a mess.
The NWS National Weather Service determined that it was an EF2 that was approximately one point seven miles wide.
That's a wide ass. Yes.
And the maximum wind speeds were around 135 miles an hour.
The vortex pretty much destroyed most of downtown and the surrounding neighborhoods.
People were intense on their front lawn because they had nowhere to go.
You know, I was really surprised more people didn't perish.
I think it's like maybe six, seven, something like that that they know of that died from this as a result of this.
One guy was an old man that his oxygen machine couldn't work without power.
So he died.
There is some stuff like that.
And this was a nighttime tornado.
It formed over Rogers and touched down, leaving seven miles of destruction.
The time that it touched down was 1 46 a.m. and it was done at 2 a.m.
So a little bit under 15 minutes of hell.
Could you imagine that, Rob? Sirens go off.
In 15 minutes, this thing is destroying everything you know.
And what time was that?
2 a.m. approximately 2 a.m.
I've been dead.
Yeah.
It wouldn't have woken me up.
No, me too. I know what you mean.
So, you know, this the not too far away Joplin tornado 11 years ago, Joplin is about 50 miles to the north of Rogers, Arkansas.
And 11 years ago, it hit on a Sunday afternoon when graduations were going on.
So more people were killed.
That tornado was an EF5 rated at max winds of over 200 miles an hour.
So 135 mile an hour winds are no joke either.
That will tear shit up and kill people easily.
Bentonville was already hit with a tornado prior.
Just a little bit before, about 130.
It was from the same storm, but it was not the same tornado.
It is believed that there were four vortexes spawned out of that particular cell.
Eureka Springs damage was 80 plus mile an hour winds, straight line winds.
There was extensive damage in Eureka Springs all over, like I said, as well.
And it was it was quite an experience seeing that.
Anyhow, you know, pray for these people.
If you have a couple of bucks, send it to them.
I already did.
I'm going to send them more.
It was really bad seeing our neighbors and friends be in such dire need.
And I wish we wouldn't went through there.
You know, I suppose, you know, maybe I needed to to give a little bit more money.
I don't know. But anyhow, so, Rob, it was a great trip.
Despite, you know, Rogers being tore up and everything and the campgrounds and all that.
So anyhow, Rob, we turn it to you.
Yeah, I want to tell you about my good deed for the day this morning.
Oh, yeah, you said something. Go ahead.
Yeah, yeah.
I had to go to the same lot this morning to grab a couple of things.
You know, it's only a five minute walk, so I just walk.
You know, and I just had one bag with just a couple of things.
And I was on my way back.
And I see this thing.
There's a parking lot into the sidewalk, city sidewalk.
I see this thing right by the road.
And I couldn't tell what it was, so I started getting closer.
It was this giant turtle.
What kind of turtle?
I'm basically a snapper. I don't know.
The shell on it was 12 to 14 inches across.
That was probably a snapper, yeah.
Yeah, it was a big one.
Oh, yeah, I would say so, because it snapped at me.
Okay, did you know that their necks can expand out three feet?
I'm not joking you.
They get people all the time.
This one come out about four inches, maybe five.
It must not have been too mad, because I know a guy that's missing a couple of toes,
because he didn't know a snapper could extend that long.
Yeah.
Generally, a snapper, you can look this up online.
It's no joke.
They can extend out probably more like three feet, not four feet,
but they will lunge at you and not move their body, but their neck will extend out.
Kind of Rex Reed, Fantastic Four style, right?
Oh, yeah, this one lunge at me.
Okay, anyhow, go ahead, Rob.
I just wanted to point that out, so if anyone didn't know,
these things are capable of doing that.
Yeah, well, anyway, like I said, it's a good size turtle.
It's like 12 to 14 inches across the shell.
Yeah, yep.
From one side to the other, okay?
And this thing is literally like two inches from Business 5 Highway here in Campton.
That's the main drag, right?
Yeah, the main drag coming right here.
And it's like 11 a.m. on a Saturday.
There was vehicles going both ways.
It was crazy.
So me being the softy that I am, I put my bag down and I took the left to it,
and I took my foot and nudged its shell, and that thing jumped around at me.
Well, I ended up luring it away from the road.
Wow.
Yeah, yeah, well, like I said, it was facing the road,
and as it spun backwards to look at me, I turned back around over by the road
to get its attention and spun it back around just by talking to it
and it looking at me and talking to me.
It wanted to snap you?
Yeah.
Wow.
And so as I'm getting away from the road,
I'm looking at the road and watching traffic and everything, you know.
And there were people waving at me.
This was right across the street from Chuck Wagon Cafe.
And right next door is a bump of the bumper-bottles parts.
There were people in the Chuck Wagon parking lot watching me.
You know you're on the Internet right now.
I don't know. I haven't looked.
I bet you're on the Internet somewhere.
I ended up getting that total over to the grass, and once he hit the grass,
he just took off, and the last time I seen Freddy, he was hitting the ravine.
You even named him, huh?
Yes, I named him Freddy.
Yeah, he kind of looked a little like Freddy Krueger. He did.
And let me let everyone know here that does not know about a snapping turtle.
They have a very powerful beak that can take off fingers or a hand.
They can take off a full hand.
These things are nothing to be messing with, and they're extremely aggressive.
They don't like anybody.
They don't like anyone near them.
They don't like you even looking at them.
I had one following me because I was looking at it too much.
So anyhow, they're pretty vicious little creatures.
Well, Rob, you did a good thing.
Yeah, I mean, yeah, because honestly, this turtle was so big,
I could see it doing some damage to somebody's car if they hit it with their wheel.
Hopefully it didn't go kill a little girl after that, right?
No.
I'm joking around.
Last time I seen him, he was heading down into the ravine at the bottom of the hill.
I made sure he made it back down there.
Wow. That's cool, Rob. What a cool story.
I mean, most people, to be honest, Rob, most people would not take that time.
They'd be like, oh, well, fuck it. It's just a turtle. I can't get it to do anything.
Yeah.
Cool.
But you could tell this old boy been around a while.
I'm glad you saved it because he's probably...
I want him to keep going.
They live a long time, so he's probably old. He's a grandpa. Good for you, man. Great job.
And seriously, everybody out there, look up man saving a snapping turtle from getting hit by a car.
And I'll bet you Rob is one. In Camden, Missouri, you'll find Rob.
I bet it's already on the internet. I'm not joking. I bet it is.
So, all right, let's take our first...
I looked like a turtle wrangler.
I was talking to it and saying, come on buddy, come get me.
I was keeping just enough distance.
Come on, bitch. Come on. That all you got?
Actually, I think I did say that at one point. I think I did.
You snap like a little girl.
Nobody else can hear me.
I would have loved it. I hope I find that video, Rob. I really do.
All right, let's take our first break.
And I'm going to tell you about just a few stories about how many phones I've lost in the freak show of how I lost them.
Because I sent a message to a friend of mine that I used to work...
He doesn't want to be named.
I named his name before and he heard it and he doesn't want to be associated with any of that anymore.
He's got a totally different kind of job.
He asked me not to mention his name.
So guy I used to work with reminded me of a couple of times.
And then I remembered some more.
And then he texts back and reminded me of another time.
So I'm going to go through a history of Mark's phones and how he lost them.
This is going to be interesting.
Oh, shit. Nothing tops the one in Nashville and the one in Philadelphia.
Those two are epic.
Just let me... let's take our break.
I'm going to come back with that. Okay? Does that sound good?
Sounds great.
All right, cool.
The apocalypse just happened.
You don't know what to do.
You don't know where to go.
But we can tell you what you can eat.
Okay, it's post-apocalypse and you're walking down the barren wasteland that used to be a city.
You find an old can of beans lying in the middle of the road.
But you do not have a can opener.
What you do then is you find a patch of concrete.
You rub the top of the can for five minutes.
Then you go to the middle of the can and squeeze it and it should pop right open.
Introducing Rob Radd's new book, How to Track Your Enemy by Seth.
That's right, smell your enemy before they get you.
Order this gem now and get a free virtual tour of Rob's secret bunker in Camdenton, Missouri.
Also receive a free copy of his new book, How to Clean Raw Sewage for Food.
Please remember to go to Cole's dressing room, wait five minutes and scream,
Hey, there's no toilet paper in here.
Hey there, fuckstick.
You're just in time for brand new feature news nobody gives a shit about.
An Idaho man snaps 110 pencils in one minute, beating the old world record of 80.
Snaps 110 pencils in one minute, beating the old world record of 80.
Oh Lord, that man just saw a puppy in half.
Hey there, don't worry, I have a clown nose.
Oh no, that drunk guy just hit my child.
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Have you ever wondered where something came from?
Have you ever looked at something and said,
Hey, I wonder what the origin of that is?
Well, so have we. That's why we give you The Origin of.
The Origin of the Hamburger Bun.
The family of Oscar Willerby claims the first known hamburger on a bun was served on July 4th, 1891 on Grandpa Oscar's farm.
The bun was reportedly a yeast bun.
Your mama is like the sun, big, round and hardened to look at.
Now it's time for pick up lines from a loser.
Are you a banana? You look appealing.
Now, from a sundered brown bunker camped in Missouri, stocked full of dried guts, canned food and a couple of vibrating toys.
It's ramblings of a madman featuring Rob Rant.
Batman would look ridiculous solving crime on a sunny day.
Two douchebags and microphone on Mark.
And I'm Rob.
All right. Well, like I promised, I have I don't know how many phones I've went through.
I have a horrible way of just destroying my phones.
I don't know why. You know, maybe it's subconsciously.
I don't want to be on them all the time.
And I do it like that. I don't know.
But I do not have good luck with phones traditionally.
And I thought I was over it.
No, I'm not. No, I'm not.
So like I said, a friend of mine, I sent him a text showed him the old phone.
He's like, yeah, and remember this and remember that.
And I'm like, oh, shit.
And he goes, I would love a rundown of all of these phones.
So I'm going to try to give you a rundown of the most interesting ones, because some of them are boring.
But the most interesting ones are right here.
First off, Nashville, Tennessee.
I lost two phones.
The first phone, we were out on a job site and we're in a bucket lift.
OK, and I had this block, the steel block that we're welding into, you know, to fasten glass to later.
We were we were welding that steel block in.
Right. So anyhow, it took both hands.
And I was trying to look at something on my phone to figure out how to do it and how to how, you know, how to level it off right and all that stuff, because it wasn't quite through.
Sure. So I put it on the ledge of what we're working on.
Someone called me and it vibrated off of the ledge and fell down to a step 50 foot down.
So that was the first one. Somebody called you vibrate it off.
I heard suicide.
And then, oh, shit.
I almost mentioned his name. Sorry.
OK. Then guy I work with said, dude, that was your phone.
It just vibrated off. Oh, shit. I had it on vibrate.
Look down there. Yep, it's gone.
Some guy in a hard hat looking at me like you're throwing shit at me.
Oh, fuck. So anyhow, that was the first one in Nashville.
The second one, I'm going out.
We had a couple of days off there because of some things that happened.
It wasn't our fault. But, you know, the job got delayed a couple of days.
So we had a couple of free days. So I'm on east.
Oh, shit. I forgot.
I forgot the name of the main drag there.
South Broadway.
OK. I'm on South Broadway and I'm going to like Luke Bryan's.
I'm trying to go to the Redneck Oasis is what they call it. Right.
It starts pouring.
So anyhow, I'm like, wow, shit, man. I'm getting just fucking, you know, I'm soaked.
All of a sudden, I think my phone. Fuck. It's in my pocket.
So I get my phone out. OK.
And it starts doing those little pixel things like it's getting ready to die.
I'm like, oh, shit. I don't even know where I'm at.
And I don't know where the hotel is because it's in my phone. Right.
So I hit Uber as soon as I could right then. OK.
And there was an Uber right in front of me.
And the guy opens it up. You mark. Yeah, I mark.
And anyhow, it already put the directions into him where I was going.
Then my phone went out on me.
So if I wouldn't have done that, I don't know what the fuck I would have done to find, you know, where I was staying.
I didn't know. I didn't know the name of the hotel.
We were just there a couple of days.
And how I would have ordered an Uber or nothing.
I would have been out there on I think it's East Broadway, actually, out there on East Broadway with nothing.
So anyhow, I would have figured a way out of it, but it would have been it would have taken a long time and it would have sucked.
So all right. So then the next one, this is the most famous one that I remember right off the back that really sucked.
I was flying to a job in Delaware one Sunday.
We had to get there Sunday and start working Monday.
I was getting off the shuttle from Philadelphia. I was by myself.
The other guy, he was oh, he was flying down from New York because he was at a job in New York.
So he was flying down from one destination. I was flying from Kansas City.
OK, so I was getting off the shuttle from Philadelphia International to the car rental location.
So I reached for my phone, right?
It slipped out of my hand and went underneath the tire of the shuttle, the shuttle that took me to the to the car rental.
Right. I yelled for the driver to stop and almost jumped in front of the shuttle, but he didn't hear me.
And he ran over my phone and it was crushed.
I had to walk a mile to a Verizon store because I couldn't order an Uber, you know, for that mile to a Verizon store because the app was on my phone.
Right. I couldn't have my car reservations because it was an email on my phone.
I didn't know the hotel because it was an email.
Say it with me. On my phone. On your phone.
So finally, I didn't know the job site.
No, not finally, but anyhow, I did not know the job site because it was an email.
What was it? On my phone. On your phone.
And finally, I could not call the secretary from work, her cell phone, because her number was in my phone.
So I get the I get the phone from Verizon after a mile of walking.
I'm tired. You know, I've been up really early at KCI trying to get on this damn plane and all that stuff.
Right. So I sat on a bench in front of the phone store and set up my Google account and and everything.
So luckily, the emails are preserved on.
I got a Hotmail account and they're preserved on there through Google.
You know, I don't know how they do it, but anyhow, I got everything back.
So anyhow, so I went down, you know, and I got, you know, I had to reset all my passwords and shit.
So it took a couple of hours on that bench and I could finally get an Uber.
And anyhow, it I got an Uber and I got to the car rental place in about 10 minutes before they close.
I was so lucky. So I got the car.
There was I got the car in my name and I got to the hotel and all that stuff because but it was it just sucked
because so many weird things had to happen for it to all be like that.
Number one, everything had to be on my phone. Nothing printed out.
I didn't have a chance to print it out. They called me up and said, hey, we need you there tomorrow.
You know, we need you on a plane tomorrow. It's like, OK.
So I had to get packed that day and get the hell out of there.
OK, so number one, when I picked the phone up, you know, out of my pocket, it squirted out of my hand was weird.
It's just like someone put grease on it, but my hands weren't greasy.
It to land underneath the tire like it did was.
Yeah, if I wanted to do that, I could never do it.
And then the guy not seeing me when I'm jumping up and down, stop, halt was weird, too.
And so that led to the phone being crushed and that led to me having several hours of hell.
So and then another one, I was on vacation. No, no, no.
Here first, I'll get to the end of the job site stuff.
There's more on job sites. There's one in Iowa.
I can't remember what happened, so I can't even. Yeah, I lost one in Iowa somewhere.
But anyhow, we were in San Jose, California, and this is where in the the hotel was in Santa Clara.
And we're doing a job in Santa, San Jose, and we're at the swimming pool at the hotel.
OK, and anyhow, I have the phone in my hand and I dropped it.
I just dropped it straight into the swimming pool. Yeah.
So anyhow, that's kind of anticloud.
I know it's not very thrilling, but that was my other one.
And then the final one, I was on vacation in New Orleans.
And anyhow, my phone, I lost it. I don't know what happened to it.
And I had an hour and a half to get on the cruise ship and get a phone.
So anyhow, luckily, I had people around there was going on the cruise with me.
They drove me to a phone store.
But we got on the cruise ship about five minutes before it was debarking.
So anyhow, that is a rundown of the most memorable phones that I lost.
Rob, we turn it to you.
Oh, boy.
Well, hey, one of the ones I remember the most that I lost.
I was doing some property management down here, some maintenance work.
And I was we had this leaf trailer.
It's like a cage trailer with a big motor and hose and stuff.
It's a trailer, you know, well, the hose had like a it's like a four inch hose on it.
I see my phone just in time going up to that hose.
Well, when the leaves go in that hose, it goes into a chipper.
And I thought my phone was in about four different parts.
I found it.
Oh, my gosh.
OK, that registers that registers on my level, dude.
Yeah, I see it just in time.
Stuff right up into that hose.
I like. Oh, shit.
Dude, that's classic. That's classic me.
Me watching my phone get crushed by a fucking tire, get it, get it mowed up by a mower, get it fucking vibrated off a ledge.
You can't make this shit up.
So anyhow, go ahead with what you're going to.
On another note, if you heard about the propaganda war between North Korea and South Korea that's going on.
Are you talking about the balloons? Yeah, go ahead.
Go ahead. This is fucked.
This comes just days after Kim Il, a North Korean defense minister, warned that the regime would retaliate in response to anti North Korean leaflets flown across the border by South Korean activists.
The South Korean activists started this. They flew over and dropped leaflets on North Korea.
Well, our little buddy Kim Jong Un has dropped at least 260 white balloons filled with filthy waste and trash onto South Korea as North Korea officials aim to teach them a lesson in the midst of a never ending propaganda war.
The balloons appear to have been carrying various items of rubbish, including plastic bottles, batteries, toilet paper, and what is believed to be manure.
Yeah, it's like dog shit, I think is the main ingredient in that muck that they put in there.
The authorities have heard South Korean residents to stay indoors as a result after the balloons began to fall from the sky.
The South Korean military said unidentified objects have been spotted near the demilitarized zone.
The border which separates the two Koreans, the blues which were founded eight of nine provinces in South Korea are now being analyzed and investigated to see whether they contain any North Korean propaganda.
If you already found shit, you really gotta dig through it to find a good example.
Yeah, and these poor military people are getting up and shitting all of it.
This is crazy. And these people gotta clean it up.
How do you get on that in air quotations, shit list, Rob?
I, well...
I don't know, do people vote you in?
I'm gonna begin kidding Joe Nunes.
I mean, do people vote you in or something? Like you're like the biggest asshole around.
They're like, hey, I think I think Mark should go clean that and look through it.
Oh man, that little fat man. He just never stops, does he?
Yeah, that little fat piece of shit, allegedly.
Wow. Thank you, Rob. Thanks for that story.
Alright.
I got one slightly different.
I found out about this just organically, and I had no idea it was such a big thing right now.
So there's this growing cult-like fandom on the internet over the 1994 release of Motley Crue's self-titled album that features John Karabi on vocals.
The album at the time flopped horribly, and eventually after a brutal tour that I went to, it fell miserably.
It was out at Sandstone at the time, now I think it's at Azure or whatever.
And it holds about, I don't know, roughly about 17,000, 18,000 people.
There's like 3,000 people there. I mean, there's barely a speck there.
And it flopped so bad.
So it felt so bad they had to have Vince Neil rejoin the band on vocals, and they all had to act like they like each other and all that.
I've been a part of these music websites that fans show off rarities and odd merch and limited edition posters and so forth.
There's this very rare EP called Coordinary.
You could only get it if you bought the self-titled Motley CD like I did.
And inside it was this, it was a limited edition EP with six songs on it, okay?
And it's a CD, but the only way you get it is buying the self-titled album.
And inside it was this little pamphlet that you actually had to mail order it.
You give them a check, you put it in an envelope, you write this address down, you tell them where to send it,
and then you have to pay a little bit for postage, and they send it to you.
So like three weeks later I get this thing, right? It's called Coordinary.
And it was each member had a solo song, and they had two new songs all together as a band.
Mick had an insane solo called Bittersweet that was so good.
John's song is really good, and then it was a very Beatle-esque, influence song with a lot of harmony.
And then there's one that they called Friends, which is just a fantastic ditty.
It's kind of Beatle-ish too, and great harmonies and chorus.
It's a really good little album, and I don't understand how none of it made its way on an official album, you know,
because it was so good.
I happened to be one of only maybe 200 people who bothered to buy one.
You know, I mentioned people were saying something about Coordinary and what they thought of and all that stuff,
so I just mentioned on this music rarity site, I just mentioned that I got one.
So then a bunch of people said, take a picture or you're fucking lying.
So I'm like, all right, bitches, I took a picture of it and I posted it.
I got over 300 responses in about two hours of people wanting to buy that.
It's not for sale.
I do not want to part with it. I don't care what they offer.
It's part of me. It's something that I remember, that I bothered to get, that I love.
I could not believe that that thing at one time no one would touch.
They thought it was horrible.
And Coordinary, like I said, I think only 200 people bothered to get that little pamphlet out of the CD and actually order one.
And now I get like 300 people wanting to pay big bucks for it.
Isn't that weird?
Yeah.
Yeah, I was just kind of astounded.
I'm like, the first couple I thought is a joke.
I was like, yeah, these fuckers don't want it. They're just messing with me.
No, it wasn't a joke. They really did want it.
So anyhow, anyhow, Rob, you got something?
Wait, wait, wait. Let's let's take our second break here.
OK, and then we'll come right back with your.
Because my next one could be a little winky.
OK, that's cool.
All right, we will be right back in a couple of minutes, like always.
Next up, things overheard in hell.
Hurry up. King Jong Un is playing Santa at the mall again this year.
Yay.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity.
I will rescue.
But my mom told me to not burn trash.
We need to leave.
Hey, look, I think we found land. Oh my God, I think we're safe.
Oh, no, it's the island of horrible jokes.
Why?
Can't it be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
Your mom is so ugly, your dad takes her to work every day so he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.
This is Chicago.
I am the most dangerous city in North America.
You can't touch me.
Oh, yeah, this is Kansas City here. Hold my beer, bitch.
Two dish bags and microphone in an effort to keep everything fresh.
We offer you.
First world problems.
The city services website is down again.
I can't believe this. I'm going to have to actually call and talk to someone to pay my damn trash bill.
This is ridiculous.
And now deep thoughts with Mark.
OK, let's say I'm walking through a mall and I suddenly walk through a fart.
Does that fart then attach itself to me?
And then when I walk around, people think I'm the gassy one.
I may never know.
Hello, podcasting friends, fellow friends of the podcast.
This is Topher with a report live from Topher's desk.
And what I have for you today is movies with weird titles.
Yeah, this is going to be good.
Now, if you're you will listen to the show, you know that there's language.
So you're not going to be surprised at all the language here.
But there are some words I'm not going to say.
So like the N word, there's a couple in here with the N word and I'm not going to say that.
So here we go. Number one, the tale of the voodoo prostitute from 2012.
The tale of the voodoo prostitute centers on a rough and rugged venomous gangster.
He has the misfortune of meeting the wrong woman that has a few secrets concerning her background and abilities.
Top cast is Jade Kelly, Charles Buchanan, Heather McCormick and Martin Ezell.
Check that one out. That's bound to be great.
From 1975, we have Super Cock. Yes, indeed.
American cowboy in the Philippines gets mixed up in cock fighting.
There you go. That's what it. OK.
Top cast Ross Hagen, Nancy Kwan, Tony Loria and Logan Clark.
I wonder if Nancy Kwan was related to Michelle Kwan, the ice skater.
That would be cool.
Now we'll jump ahead to 1989 and the over sexed rug suckers from Mars.
Yeah, aliens returned to Earth after 10 million years to see what has become of the human experiment they have created.
Only be disappointed by what they find.
All right. Top rated cast in over sexed rug suckers from Mars.
Richard Monda, Gene Stewart, Billy Bob Rhodes and Bill Monsoor.
Yeah, I'm sure that's featured prominently on their resume.
Here we go. This is one I remember when it came out.
1974, Flesh Gordon. Yeah, rated R, hour and 18 minutes.
At the time, it was considered X.
So what it's about. Emperor Wang is the leader of the planet porno.
I can't say that with a straight face.
Emperor Wang is the leader of the planet porno and he sends his mighty sex ray towards Earth, which turns everyone into sex mad fiends.
Only one person can save the Earth, a football player named Flesh Gordon.
Top billing for Jason Williams, Suzanne Fields and Joseph Hudgens. Wow.
OK, staying in 1974, we have Boss N-Word.
And it's printed out right here in front of me, but I ain't going to say it. It's the N-Word.
OK, two black bounty hunters pursuing an outlaw take over a small western town without a sheriff.
Stars Fred Williamson, Derville Martin and William Smith.
William Smith. Not the same as Will Smith. It's 1974.
Up next, from 1996, Don't be a menace to South Central while drinking your juice in the hood.
Wow. OK, it was a parody of several US films about being in the hood.
For instance, Boys in the Hood from 91, South Central from 92, Menace II Society from 93, Higher Learning from 95 and Juice from 92.
Stars, can you guess? Sean Wayans, Marlon Wayans, Keenan Ivory Wayans.
It's the Wayans Brothers. Man, those guys can't make a bad movie if they tried. Seriously, if the Wayans Brothers are involved, you know it's worth watching.
All right, next on our list, Fertilize the Blasphemy Bombshell.
I have no idea what that means. All right, 1990, Sheila Khan is menaced by Satan worshippers on her journey from Brooklyn to Las Vegas.
Good Lord, if you're going to leave Brooklyn, don't go to Vegas.
In an effort to find out what happened to her twin sister, oh, you got to love a movie of twin sisters, she undergoes many treacherous journeys, a number of Satanist slayings and a number of showers.
OK, so I guess that's so they can show the boobies on screen. OK, stars, Bo Hopkins, Rick Hill and Robert Tessier.
Might be Tessier. I have no idea.
All right, moving along, Horror of the Hungry Humongous Hungan. Did I say that right? Horror of the Hungry Humongous Hungan.
OK, 1991, Genetic Experiments Gone Wrong unleashed an ancient voodoo curse that produces a masticating monster with an appetite for terror, narrated by Oscar winning actor Jack Palance.
Amazing. All right, it stars Joseph E. Miller, Brenda Moyer and David A. Yocum, not to be confused with Dwight Yocum.
Wild Weed from 1949. Wild Weed from 1949, a chorus girl's career is ruined and her brother is driven to suicide when she starts smoking the Marijuana.
Oh my God. Stars Lila Leeds, Alan Baxter and Lyle Talbot.
Kind of makes me want to smoke some weed right now while I'm doing this, you know, they have a movie called Wild Weed.
You just got to smoke weed while you're seeing it, don't you?
I think so. All right.
Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed Up Zombies from 1964 starring Ray Dennis Steckler, Brett O'Hara and Atlas King.
Jerry falls in love with a stripper. He meets at a carnival. But haven't we all done that?
Little does he know that she is the sister of a gypsy fortune teller whose predictions he had scoffed at earlier. Oh, a gypsy curse.
There we go. Good gypsy curse movies. Yeah.
Next up on the list from 2016, Don't Fuck in the Woods.
That sounds like you're just giving advice, but that's the title of the movie.
A group of friends are going on a camping trip to celebrate graduating college.
But once they enter the woods, the group are attacked by a creature.
I'm guessing while they're fucking. So, you know, I use the title Don't Fuck in the Woods.
Stars Brandy Mason, Scott Gillespie and Brittany Blanton. And I'm sure it features the breasts of all the female cast members.
All right. 2017. Izzy gets the fuck across town.
A woman at rock bottom must find her way across Los Angeles in order to crash her ex-boyfriend's engagement party.
You know, I think I'd watch that. I think I would actually watch that one.
Stars Mackenzie Davis, Dolly Wells and Alex Russell.
Blood Orgy of the She Devils. Wow. 1973. Times were pretty weird in 73.
Lorraine and Mark enter the world of witchcraft where Mara foretells the future and helps them remember their past lives.
When a series of mysterious murders begin to occur, they turn to Dr. Heldsford for advice.
Stars Leela Zaborin, Victor Isaac and Tom Pace.
OK. Followed by 2003. So this wasn't all that long ago.
It's called The Man with the Smallest Penis in Existence and the Electron Microscope Technician Who Loved Him.
Take a deep breath before you say that title. Let's go again.
The Man with the Smallest Penis in Existence and the Electron Microscope Technician Who Loved Him. There. OK.
2003. One man's pencil dick is another man's hack blammer. Hack blammer.
What's a hack blammer? It's written down right there. One man's pencil dick is another man's hack blammer.
The truth that Stefan Gutenheim needed to swallow. Of course they put the word swallow in there.
Stefan Gutenheim. Are they implying that he's Jewish and that Jewish people have small penises?
I've heard that stereotype before. Never really cared either way.
All right. Stars Ariane Brandt and Luke Dinsdale.
All right. Moving along. 1990. A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hill.
Poor dinosaurs. They got their own hell.
That's for all the naughty dinosaurs, I guess.
I'm sorry.
I'm imagining a dinosaur devil.
In the post Armageddon world, a young woman finds herself in the fight for survival against mutant cavemen, dinosaurs and other prehistoric animals.
Post Armageddon world. OK. So that's why it's a it's it's hell with dinosaurs.
So it's not hell for dinosaurs. That makes me feel better because those poor dinosaurs didn't do anything.
Deserve going to hell. All right. The stars of this one, if you can call them stars.
Paul Gutsy, Linda Corwin and Alex Kearney.
All right. Here's one from 2001.
Should have been 1978, but it's 2001.
Avenging Disco Vampires. That's why it should have been in 1978.
Starring Jarrett Tate, Casey Jacobs and Carys Waggoner.
Jacob and Frank Caesar, two murderous fugitives, have chosen the secluded woods surrounding Rabbit Hash.
Oh, my God. The name of this town, Rabbit Hash, Kentucky.
Oh, my God. I got to find out if there really is a Rabbit Hash, Kentucky.
OK, let me start over.
Jacob and Frank Caesar, two murderous fugitives, has chosen the secluded woods surrounding Rabbit Hash, Kentucky to bury their latest victim.
One shallow grave stands between them and the freedom.
They had no idea what they were about to get into.
Oh, my God. I'm going to have to watch this.
2001 Avenging Disco Vampires.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my gosh.
I've left myself into a coughing fit. Excuse me.
OK.
Let's try this next one.
From 1989, Chopper Chicks in...
All right. I'm going to have to stick a pin in myself or something.
All right. Chopper Chicks in Zombie Town.
A gang of tough women bikers.
And really, you know, if they're a gang of women bikers, you just presume they're tough.
A gang of tough women bikers are the only thing that stands between a crowd of zombies which have accidentally been let out of their secure cave.
Did you accidentally let the zombies out?
OK, they've been accidentally let out of their secure cave.
And I guess they're fighting the ones still alive in the town.
OK, stars Jamie Rose, Catherine Carlin and Lysia Nath.
Excuse me if I'm mispronouncing your name. I'm sure you're a great and wondrous movie star by now with Chopper Chicks in Zombie Town.
1997 brought us Attack of the Killer Manatee.
In case you weren't aware, the manatee is the only creature on earth that is born without the ability to get angry.
But apparently they can kill.
Teens on a camping trip find the old road to a boat ramp has been mysteriously removed.
They trek through the woods. Oh, that's a mistake. You never trek through the woods.
Until they find a place where the road picks up again.
When they get to the end of the line, they find a nuclear power plant now standing.
Wow, that went downhill in a hurry. Nuclear power plant stands in the once pristine wetlands.
Oh, wow.
This is making Pee-wee's Playhouse look like Shakespeare.
OK, this stars Richard R. Aniskay, Bill Laffey, Ben Laffey, sorry, and Sylvia Oakman.
Wow, all right. Here's going to be a really good one.
From 1988, we have Curse of the Queer Wolf.
After being bitten by what he thinks is a transvestite.
That's, boy, that word isn't really used anymore, is it? Yeah, OK.
Anyway, that's how it's written.
After being bitten by what he thinks is a transvestite, Larry starts having nightmares about Hillbilly's ominous visits from an old gypsy woman and having the strangest reactions to the full moon.
Nightmares about Hillbillies. Wow.
Sign me up. Stars Michael Palazzolo, Kent Butler and Taylor Whitney.
Hmm. All right.
And for a little bit on the lighter side, 1994 brought us Teenage Catgirls in Heat.
An Egyptian cat goddess in the form of a statuette commands all the local felines to surrender one of their nine lives so they can transform into beautiful women to mate with and terminate human males.
Then prepare the way for the great litter.
The great litter.
Are they talking about a litter of kittens or the litter box?
OK, as Merelda Huffhines, Helen Griffiths and Dorothy Lane got the start of their amazing acting career in Teenage Catgirls in Heat.
1989, The Nutzoids at Cannibal Cove starring Bob Rose, Dana Michelle and Gerard Maschioli, an uptight and strange family, goes looking for their missing son.
On the road, they bump into a prostitute and an elderly clairvoyant because, you know, prostitutes and elderly clairvoyants hang out all the time to get her.
OK.
1973. Oh, that was an amazing year, wasn't it?
1973 brought us Please Don't Eat My Mother.
A man, a middle aged man buys a plant with a sexy voice that develops a craving for insects, frogs, dogs and humans.
Stars Buck Cartalion, Lynn Lundgren and Art Hedberg.
Sounds like somebody who's ripping off little shop of horrors.
Big time.
Here's one that's, boy, you're just going to have to use your imagination on this one.
There's very little information.
Soggy Penis Syndrome from 2004.
Released in March 20th, 2004 in the United States in English and it was directed by Rosie Boyer.
And it's called Soggy Penis Syndrome.
That's all I got on it.
That's all.
Nobody wants to give us any more information on that one.
Here's a movie that just needed to be made.
I mean, there is always a market for this.
The Gay Bed and Breakfast of Terror.
Because why can't a terror movie be set in a gay bed and breakfast?
2007.
Helen and Luella are just another typical God fearing mother and daughter who happen to bake mincemeat muffins and run a charming, if not a bit faded, bed and breakfast in.
Or are they?
On the eve of the biggest gay party weekend of the year.
You can use your imagination.
Anyway, Mary Marks, Michael Soldier and Georgia Jean.
I imagine people probably get things chopped off in that.
OK.
The Legend of Charlie.
Substitute in the N-word for the legend of N-word Charlie.
Yeah. Yikes.
1972. A slave kills a white man in self-defense and heads west towards freedom pursued by a professional slave hunter.
Man, they could have given it just about any other title.
And you know what?
It's got two of the same guys that were in Boss.
The movie we talked about earlier.
Fred Williamson, Derville Martin and then Don Pedro Collie.
And the last one on our list from 2011. Banana motherfucker.
Six adventurers go on a quest for a mystical cemetery.
After disturbing the dead, they trigger an ancient curse that will destroy the entire world.
Mario Livieri, Pedro Florencio and Luis Henriquez.
Henriquez? Yeah.
So I'm guessing this is probably actually in Spanish language.
But there's probably a devil in there.
All right. There you go.
Bunch of movies with really weird titles.
And I'm kind of done thinking about them.
You know, I want to go watch one or two of them.
But holy moly, those were strange.
OK. Thanks for listening.
And if you got any ideas of some lists or things you want me to look into, let Mark know and he'll pass it on to me.
And we'll have another live from Topher's desk.
All right. That's it for me.
I'm out.
To Douchebags Microphone, I'm Mark.
And I am Rob.
Rob, you had something you want to get to.
But first off, you guys did not see that coming, did you?
Topher's got his own segment.
I bet they did not. I bet they didn't.
Nope, nope, nope, nope.
What a surprise.
Just like that, Topher is involved again.
And he's going to keep producing.
It's good to hear his voice again.
I love this segment.
You know, there's bad movies in their titles.
It's really good.
It's standard Topher stuff.
I mean, the qualities there and all that.
So it's glad to hear him back in action.
And he's going to be doing more of these things.
So you are forewarned.
Topher is still a part of the program.
And you cannot get rid of him.
So anyhow, Rob, we turn to you for your story.
All right, yeah.
I ran across this on BuzzFeed.
It's 15 fast.
It's surprisingly like a lot of people don't know.
OK, this sounds good.
And what it was is I wanted to do about half of them tonight
and half of them another time.
OK.
Because it's a little lengthy.
OK.
All right.
First off, sign language isn't universal.
Sign languages are their own unique languages,
not just a signed version of spoken language.
There are, in fact, around 300 different sign languages.
Different countries have their own sign languages as well,
which vary even if the base language is the same.
For instance, both American and British sign languages
are based on the English language.
But they are two entirely different sign languages.
OK.
I did not know that.
Me neither.
I was one that thought sign languages were universal.
But they're not.
It's not.
I guess I'd have no reason to know that, but it's still weird.
Next up, UTIs and the elderly can cause them to hallucinate
or be disappointed.
I actually knew that because I'm just not going to go into it,
but I know someone that had one and did hallucinate.
Not my mom.
My mom didn't have one.
It wasn't her, but it was something.
Go ahead.
Older patients with UTIs tend to have untraditional symptoms.
They often experience symptoms such as delirium,
tachycardia, frequent falling,
or in more extreme cases, hallucinations.
Wow.
That was something I did not know.
Like I said, unfortunately, I know about it.
It's because of not a great circumstance.
But anyhow, go ahead.
Okay.
The difference between less and fewer.
Fewer is used when something is countable,
i.e., Bob has fewer apples than Sally.
Less is used when it's not i.e.,
Bob shows less kindness to horses than Sally.
So I've been doing it backwards this whole time.
I don't, yeah.
Pretty much.
I really did not.
English language was not my best, we'll put it that way.
If it interests me, it was my best.
If it didn't interest me, it did not.
It depended on what it was.
Anyhow, go ahead.
Okay.
Fruit loops are all just one flavor.
Despite the various colors, fruit loops are reportedly all one flavor,
which I blend of orange, lemon, lime, apple, cherry, raspberry, and blueberry.
Fun fact, tricks and fruity pebbles,
two other rainbow fruity flavored cereals are also just one flavor.
Especially with tricks.
That really floored me because I used to eat them separately as a child,
and I could swear they have totally different flavors.
I thought they did too.
It's got to be psychological.
Yeah, Sid.
But they're made with all the flavors combined.
Yeah, so you pick that flavor out when you see the colors.
There's orange in it, you get an orange one, you're like, oh, that tastes like orange.
It's so weird.
That could be a mental thing.
I think it's part mental.
I think it's you take one of the flavors and you focus in on that subconsciously.
Something like that.
But anyhow, go ahead, Rob.
Okay.
A pony is not a baby horse.
A baby horse is called a foal.
A pony is a horse that as an adult is below a certain height.
Wow.
Size-wise, a pony is usually under 14.2 hands high as an adult.
They mature to their full size more quickly than horses do.
Didn't know that, did you?
Oh, yeah, I did.
But I've heard a lot of people, like little girls, I want a pony for my birthday.
And you're thinking, no, you don't.
No, you don't.
Wow.
Okay.
If I ever knew that, I forgot it.
We grew up in a farming community.
Yeah, I wish I knew that.
Yeah.
The fact there are multiple ski resorts in Australia always seems to blow people's minds.
I knew that.
I said I knew that because of that story we did.
Remember the ski lift that went over the nudist colony?
Yeah.
That was in Australia.
I didn't know it until then, though.
Parts of Australia, like New South Wales, Victoria, and Tasmania, do get snow during the winter months of June, July, and August.
So you absolutely can go skiing there.
And, okay, and speaking of Australia's winter months, we descend to the next one.
The winter time in the northern hemisphere is summertime in the southern hemisphere.
January could be the middle of summer or the middle of winter.
Christmas is always in December.
Wow.
Yeah.
Okay, and lastly for tonight,
poison dart frogs are only poisonous if you feed them toxic bugs.
They are perfectly safe to handle if you feed them crickets.
Wow.
A poison dart frog is considered to be one of the most toxic animals in the world.
Scientists believe the bugs poison dart frogs eat, right,
former siren ants are wet, make them so poisonous.
So zoos feed poison dart frogs a different diet, mainly crickets or fruit flies,
which allows zookeepers to handle the frogs without the risk of being poisoned.
Huh.
Oh, and note, there's currently no treatment or antidote for the toxins.
No kidding?
That's right, sir.
That sucks.
They're cute little dudes, though.
Yeah.
They are. They're cute.
Wow.
Little eggs and oranges. Yeah, they're cute.
Okay, and I'll come back another time with the last half.
Okay, probably tomorrow.
Tomorrow we're going to have a really big thing going on, too.
I got emails also, and there's some pretty good ones.
Oh, good deal.
There's some really good ones in there.
Anyhow, I want to mention this podcast that I really, really like,
and it's Conspiracy Theories.
They tackle everything, JFK, the Illuminati, other weird shit, Sasquatch.
I mean, it's really good, and anyhow, I think it deserves, you know, if you're looking,
you know, obviously you like podcasts, that's why you're listening to this.
So it is called Let's Get to the Bottom of That podcast.
It's really good.
I enjoyed it.
I listened to a couple episodes.
They seem like really good dudes.
So I mean, check it out if you get a chance.
I think you guys will really like it.
So anyhow, and you're going to check it out, aren't you?
Yeah, as soon as we're done here tonight, I'm going to check it out.
Yeah, there's some good ones on there.
And let me remind everybody, there is a Let's Get to the Bottom of This podcast.
That's not it.
This is Let's Get to the Bottom of That podcast.
That's the key word, the operative word is that.
Good, I wrote it down correctly.
Yeah, so check it out if you get a chance.
They're really good.
I really enjoyed it.
So anyhow, I got another one more story here I would like to do
before we hang this fine show up for the evening.
Sound good, Rob?
Yeah.
Okay.
All right.
This is a Nigerian scammer takes credit for bizarre Graceland auction scare.
So what happened is a self-described scammer based in Nigeria is taking credit for a bizarre failed attempt to auction off Elvis's iconic Graceland property.
People believe this.
They thought it was in foreclosure, dude.
Earlier this month, a mysterious company with little paper trail,
Nusani Investments and Private Lending contacted this trust company which controls the Memphis estate,
claiming it owned millions for failing to repay a loan.
Riley Keough, Elvis's granddaughter, who inherited a Graceland after her mother, Lisa Marie Presley, died last year,
sued Nusani alleging its documents were falsified.
She also asked a judge to block the Graceland auction.
The judge granted her request, putting a pause on the sale one day before it was set to be finalized.
Someone almost bought Graceland through the scammer.
Yeah.
On Tuesday,
I read about that.
Yeah, wasn't that messed up?
On Tuesday, the apparent perpetrator of the scheme was revealed when the New York Times reported that an individual based in Nigeria was with a Nusani associated email address,
contacted them and took credit for it.
The individual said that he and his associates typically scam the vulnerable and elderly.
The Times also reported that emails were written in Luganda, a language spoken in Uganda.
We feature out how to steal. No, no, no, not feature. I'm sorry, my ink's going out and I'm still trying to find the cartridge that replaces it.
We figure out how to steal the individual told the Times. That's what we do.
So anyhow, I could go on, but I think you guys got the idea of it.
Graceland was almost sold.
Yeah.
Bottom line.
Yeah.
What else do you say to that? Props to that guy, right?
There ain't really much you can say.
I mean really, props to that guy. Graceland, what set of balls does that take?
Wow.
Yeah. Anyhow, Rob, do you have something you want to go into?
Yeah, actually I have one that's, I have a history lesson and a, well, you'll see.
Okay.
This is seven canned foods you should never buy.
Okay.
And the reason.
Okay.
Here's the history lesson.
You can thank Napoleon Bonaparte for the modern pantry staple that is canned food.
Looking for a way to feed his troops on the move, Napoleon offered a prize for a method to preserve food, leading to the invention of canning.
While this technique has proven invaluable, making nutritious options like canned tomatoes a kitchen essential, we have gone overboard with canning.
And some canned foods have no place in your pantry.
Here are the seven worst canned foods you should avoid buying.
First, fruit cocktail.
Many of us have been tempted when craving an out of the season fruit to reach for the colorful canned fruit cocktail. However, according to studies, this is a temptation you should resist, especially if you're mindful of your sugar intake.
Fruit cocktails are often soaked in heavy syrup, adding unnecessary sugar and calories to what should be a healthy snack.
Wow.
So yeah, well, yeah, that sweet syrup. Yeah.
I used to love fruit cocktail when I was younger. I don't care for it so much now, but wow, I can believe it though. It is very, very sweet.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, next, canned refried beans.
Canned refried beans is what happens when you take perfectly good beans and strip them of all dignity.
Yeah, I kind of like that. These mushy, pasty blobs, enough sodium to preserve a mummy and the added fat often in the form of lard or high hydrogenated oils can increase your intake of unhealthy trans fats.
Yeah, hydrogenated oils are horrible for people. If you ever see that on a label, do not consume it in my opinion.
Anyhow, go ahead.
And then you go to open a can and you see the oil sitting on top.
Yeah.
That should tell you something right there.
Exactly.
Even though I love the shit. Even though I love the shit.
I gotcha. But man, I'll tell you what, you're so right. Common sense would tell you something's not right with that. So anyhow.
Do we listen?
Hell no.
Okay, next, canned pre-cooked pasta.
Aww, the chef?
Yeah.
Aww.
Yeah.
Okay.
Every American kid who grew up in the 80s and 90s has big feelings about SpaghettiOs.
Hell yeah.
Circles of pasta swimming in this especially bright warm sauce. But nostalgia aside, any kind of canned pasta is a bad option for kids and adults alike.
Uh huh.
It's an act of sodium preservatives and unhealthy fats. And seriously, cooking pasta is as easy as boiling water.
It is.
You'd be better off cooking it up.
I do. I mean, let's face it, we all grow out of the chef after a while, right? When you're younger, the SpaghettiOs and the ravioliOs and all that are good.
But when you get a little bit older, it kind of tastes like, I don't know, watered down tomato paste with, I don't know, some weird object in it.
I mean, to me, that's what it tastes like. It's just simply, it's not that good.
But when you're younger, it tastes fantastic, in my opinion. So anyhow, I get it.
Oh yeah, that's top cuisine there.
Oh hell yeah, I could not wait till I heard that can opening. Hey mom, what's for lunch? Oh! That's what I get for not destroying something today. Thank you, mom.
Okay, next. White tuna. Which, I'm guessing this goes towards any tuna.
I'm already out, but go ahead. Okay. Sounds racist to me.
America loves its tuna with roughly one billion pounds consumed annually, according to the National Fisheries Institute.
Canned tuna, in particular, is the nation's second most popular seafood product after shrimp. While its convenience and ability to retain flavor and fretness,
freshness are undeniable, there's a significant reason to reduce your intake. The amount of mercury you're potentially ingesting.
I've always read that for a long time, that there's so much mercury in fishes. I think I believe it, I can see how they could be.
But, I mean, I don't know, I'm more concerned about the crabs disappearing, you know, due to some disease and all that.
Anyhow, the ocean water being 85 degrees.
I just read down a little further, it goes on to say white tuna, commonly sourced from albacore, is particularly problematic when it comes to mercury content.
So I guess it is the white tuna from the albacore that's higher in mercury.
Okay, and it could be where they... It's where they fish them from, right?
Yeah, there was something before there, or some pollutants that was like, who knows? Anyhow, go ahead, Rob.
Okay, next, another childhood killer.
Canned Vienna sausages might seem like a convenient snack, but these tiny sausages are packed with sodium, nitrate, and preservatives to ensure they last forever on the shelf.
High blood pressure, nitrates can lead to cancer, in my opinion. Yeah, I get it. Anyhow, go ahead.
I mean, there's so much salt in them, you can actually taste the grains of salt in that processed meat.
They also have nearly twice as much fat as protein, making them far from a lean option.
Yeah, and how about that jelly they're in? Yeah, yeah. That'll tell you something right there. That's nothing but lard, I'm sure.
That goes back like the refried beans, the oil floating on top. Yes, common sense.
Anyhow, that should not be there. Why is it there?
Yeah, that part always did gross me out, but man, them sausages. They were damn good, I know, I know. But man, that jelly always just got me, it's like, ugh.
Okay, next, canned soup.
Okay. Remember when we thought canned soup was a nutritious meal? Yes.
The sodium bomb, disguised as a comfort food staple, is basically just salt water with a few sad, overcooked veggies floating in it.
True. I love that description. A few sad, floating veggies. True.
Why could it be a quick and easy meal option? Canned soup often comes with a hefty dose of sodium and preservatives. Many varieties also contain added sugars and trans fats to enhance flavor and shelf life.
You know what, I recently ate a can of chicken noodle, and you can tell there's so much salt in them. I can feel my blood pressure rising. I get it.
Look, they're very low quality. It's made with leftover stuff, chicken broth, a couple little pieces of leftover chicken, chicken asses or something. There's really not anything there except pretty much bad for you.
Right.
Okay, and lastly, canned corned beef might bring back nostalgic memories of quick meals, but it's far from a health conscious choice.
And like the fresh brisket corned beef, you find that the deli canned versions often use lower quality cats and meat. While the term corned might evoke images of sweet corn, it actually refers to the large grains of rock salt used in the preservation process.
These cats are brined in salt and spices, which not only affects the taste but also significantly increases the sodium content, which is linked and elevated blood pressure and heart disease.
Yeah, think about that. They're just soaked in that stuff.
Additionally, processed meat comes with an increased risk of cancer.
All the nitrates and everything else in there. Wow. Thank you, Rob. That was a very good article.
I got a question for you personally. All right. Do you like the new segment, Your Mama Jokes?
Yeah, I love them.
Do you notice how I just don't need...
30,000. 30,000.
I've got a ton of them. I'm just inserting in there. I mean, I'm just like, I find a spot and go, oh, here's one.
There's no introduction or nothing. Just someone telling you, your mama joke.
Anyhow, I thought you would love them. And you know what? Email me. Great, bad, horrible. You suck. Whatever. Email me. We got some good emails coming up tomorrow. I can tell you that.
Some of them are really weird because they ask you and me both weird questions, which I love. Yeah. So, anyhow, everybody, thank you for listening.
Oh, hi, Grandma Opal. Hi, Jimmy. Hi, Ricky. Hi, Grandma. Hi, Jimmy. Hi, Ricky. Love you guys. Dodge City, Kansas. Ra, ra, ra.
Alright. Goodnight, assholes. Goodnight, assholes.
Oh, no. Looks like the show's over, kids. Mark has explosive diarrhea and can't afford a wireless mic.
Fear not, assholes. They'll be back invading your ear holes soon.