And now it's time for...
The Daily Deucebag Pledge.
Here at Two Deucebags in a Microphone, we don't stand behind our journalistic integrity.
Go ahead and assume we got the story wrong. At least we admit it.
Not like all those other guys, we can and will lie if it makes the story better.
Two Deucebags and a Microphone.
We Talk.
Jesus.
Tomorrow morning while grinding your coffee beans for your double mocha latte, remember to not get your genitals caught in the grinder.
It really hurts. Who can afford plastic surgery?
Stay safe everyone.
Hey there, fuckstick. You're just in time for brand new feature news nobody gives a shit about.
A pet turtle named Sashi is thought to be the oldest one in captivity at 120 years old.
Jam X. What the hell happened?
You were the generation of change.
You never wanted to be one of them. At the feet. Spoke for you.
Hunk the man, hunk the system. What the hell happened?
The generation of angst, the generation of noncompliance, is now buying a boat.
You're really fed up to kill someone dangled a dollar near you.
Great job Xers, everything's ruined.
Next up, Things Overheard in Hell.
Baseball's third season of the year begins tonight.
Yay.
Two douchebags and a microphone. My name is Mark.
And my name is Rob.
Hey Rob, how's it going this morning? We're doing it this morning because I have a graduation go to this evening.
Go ahead, I'm sorry.
Oh, everything's going good man. Life's looking up.
That's good, good to hear. Yeah, you sound perkier than you did before.
Not that you never sounded horrible, you sound, I don't know, more bubbly, more happy. So that's good.
Good, good, good.
Okay, well what I have here is, according to Betway, the states were the rowdiest concert fans and then the states were the friendliest concert crowds, according to Betway.
So, the number one, first I'm doing the rowdiest concert crowds and I'm not sure how they got this information.
I guess they probably went to some concerts and observed it, I guess, maybe. That's the only way I can think.
That and maybe critics doing reports on it, you know.
Yeah, probably. Yeah, you're probably right. They're probably taking in several, probably numerous different denominators into account for it and then coming up with some sort of formula to come up with this.
Okay, the number one rowdiest is Wisconsin at 13.1 and their calmest behavior is experienced, is what they're calling this. That's what Betway is calling this and this is through Loudwire that published this.
Okay.
Number two is Louisiana. Well, if it's anything like New Orleans and Mardi Gras, I could definitely agree with that and they came in at a 12.1.
Yeah. Number three, and I'll tell you what, man, I agree with this and this just isn't rock concerts. This is a hip hop, they call it, I think, and hip hop and everything.
Oklahoma comes in 11.8. Do you have experiences in Oklahoma, Rob, like I do?
I have a few friends that live down there, but I don't spend much time down there.
Okay, well, Oklahoma is pretty rowdy and I can agree with that 100%. I mean, and another thing about Oklahoma...
I've heard stories.
There's still dry counties in Oklahoma, right? So whenever these people that are in a dry county get to go drink in public, I imagine they just go nuts.
So, anyway, Oklahoma City is a fun place. I mean, for not that big of a metroplex, you know, it really is. There's a lot to do and there's a lot of people happy running around there, so it's cool.
Number four, and Oklahoma was 11.8, Massachusetts. They came in 11.6. Okay.
Yeah.
I could see Boston getting a little rowdy.
Yeah, yeah, Boston's pretty unique. They have a lot of craft breweries there. They have a lot of stuff to do. So I could see that. Yeah, I guess it's 11.6.
The next one, and this is probably true. I know people from Minnesota.
Number five on the list coming in 11.6 is Minnesota. And I agree with that.
I think that they're cooped up during the winter and part of the spring in their house. Can't really go out and do anything when they go out during the summer. You know they got to go nuts, right?
I'm like you. I know a few people from Minnesota. I have to agree. Everyone is cool as shit, but they're nuts. Yeah, they're cool as shit, but they're crazy. But they're crazy. Yep. I love them.
They're great. They're good people from what I've experienced. Number six, New Mexico coming in at 11.4.
Any thoughts?
Maybe boredom.
Okay. Yep. Okay. Rob, I'm gonna go with that. They have nothing else going on.
So when they go to a concert, they go net so.
Yeah, there's distance between the towns.
Yeah, that's true. And they don't get to see people as much as we do.
We're kind of sick of seeing people.
You see the same people.
Yes, that's true. Good point. Yeah, like the rancher down the road and all that stuff.
You know, we're here. We're sick of seeing people there. They're probably wishing they saw people.
They're like, boy, sure would be nice to see another human around here. So anyhow, I could get it. So number six is New Mexico at 11.4.
Number seven, and this is because they're the smallest state by far and they got a chip on their shoulder.
Rhode Island at 11.2 and they are number seven on this list.
Don't you think Rhode Island, you know, right across the harbor is Boston, big bad Boston.
Yeah, you know, Rhode Island is probably like just they, you know, like Providence.
You know, they're over there like when I'll go ahead.
But they got to pick it up a notch. Yeah, they're looking at big brother Boston and going, we can outdo those fuckers.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like Oklahoma City is to Dallas. You know, they built that huge Devon Energy building, which I went down there and worked on.
And it's a huge building. So Dallas is kind of like a.
Hey, wait a minute. I think Dallas, they had plans to build a taller skyscraper.
But Oklahoma, from my understanding is when I was down there was they built that huge Devon Energy building that tall to have a taller building than Dallas.
So there's kind of a rivalry, I do believe, from Rhode Island, you know, like Providence in Boston, which is right across the harbor.
So they're probably like they probably have a chip on their shoulder and they're going nuts.
So number eight, Maryland at eleven point one.
Yeah, I could see that I've done I've been to Maryland numerous times and they are a unique class of people.
You have any experience from Maryland?
No, I do not.
Baltimore is a fun town. Washington, D.C. is full of well, if you get away from the nutbags, you know, they're in Congress and all that.
There seems to be a pretty tough breed of people up there.
And I know D.C. is not necessarily Maryland, but it's right next to Maryland.
And it's you know, it's a district. It's not a state. So I kind of entwine.
Yeah. So and they came in number 11.1.
I believe I mentioned that. But if I didn't, there you go.
Number nine, Iowa at a ten point seven.
Yeah. Yeah. Our friends in Des Moines. You guys are awesome.
Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I've been to a couple of concerts in Iowa and they kind of remind me of Omaha.
The people are just having a blast. They're just like going nuts.
So going crazy. Nobody's pissed off because someone next to him screaming.
You know, they'll probably join in if anything. Yeah.
So, yep, I agree with that. Number ten is Florida at ten point six. I agree with that.
Yeah. Florida is full of everybody from every place.
You go there and you do any one of the tourist places.
Fort Lauderdale is really bad about it. Miami is. Key West is horrible about it because everybody that lives there, not the tourists, everybody lives there is from somewhere else normally.
Right. And people transplant to Florida because they hate the weather or whatever.
There are a lot of New Yorkers down there. A lot of Massachusetts down there.
You know, anywhere where it's a cold city, a lot of people have a winter house there or they just flat move there.
So I can see that. So this is right here.
The friendliest concert crowds, according to that way.
Number one, and this goes with what I said a little bit ago about Omaha.
Number one is Nebraska at two point eight. And yeah, I agree with that. What do you think?
Yeah. Yeah. I've. The short time I've been around Omaha, I've met a lot of friendly people.
Yeah. A lot of people from the Omaha area travel down here to Lake of the Ozarks.
That's true. And I used to be in the kind of business. So I got to meet a lot of them, you know.
Yeah. Yeah. They're generally pretty nice people and helpful, too. So yeah.
And they're downtown. It's gorgeous. I love their downtown. They got a lot of parkways.
They have. Oh, yeah. What is it? Hank, the talking bridge or something.
And it's a pedestrian bridge. You walk halfway. You're in between Iowa.
When you're halfway, you're half in between Iowa and half Nebraska. It's pretty good.
It goes over the big muddy Missouri. So right.
Anyhow, number two, South Dakota at four point nine.
OK, I don't really know anyone from South Dakota. Do you? Not that I know of.
No, I don't. OK. You know what?
It's probably the same concept like you said of New Mexico.
They don't see that many people. So when they see people, they're genuinely happy.
Not like us. Right. Right. OK.
Number three, good old Missouri coming in at seven.
Have they ever been to Kansas City?
In a concert? Yeah.
I would say Missouri.
Yeah. Well, I mean, this is by this is by state.
So, I mean, that's the format that they chose.
Maybe St. Louis and Springfield and let's see, Columbia, St. Joe and some of the bigger towns in Missouri.
Maybe they're nicer. But Kansas City?
I don't see it. Do you?
Well, you have a bunch of smaller venues popping up like.
Well, you're right. Like down there, like the Ozark Theater.
There's different wineries around the state that have amphitheaters.
You're right. It isn't all just the big cities.
They probably absorb all of it and do their calculation like that.
OK. Well, I think the rest of Missouri makes up for Kansas City and probably St. Louis.
But I don't know. Oh, no, no, no. I have been to a concert in St. Louis.
I saw Deep Purple there at the Harris.
I think it's the Harris Amphitheater or something like that.
And everybody was really nice. So, you know, maybe it is St. Louis that pads the stats on Missouri.
Because they were really cool and helpful.
And it was a great concert. I mean, it was Deep Purple with Alice Cooper opening up.
And this is, I don't know, maybe 10 years ago.
Nine years ago.
An older venue. Yeah.
Well, and that also probably has something to do with it, too.
You know, there's a lot of geriatric there.
Like when I went to Steeler Dan at a Starlight Theater.
It was very depressing, Rob.
There were a lot of people in walkers.
A lot of people in wheelchairs.
And everybody seemingly had white hair.
It happens to the best of us.
You're right. It happens to everybody.
Father time carries a baseball bat.
And the older we get, the more we realize that.
That's true. That's true.
Mortality is not a fun thing.
So, we move on from there.
Number four is Idaho at 7.1.
I've met people from Idaho before.
They seem like pretty centered.
Good people. Wholesome. You know.
So I think I can see that. They come in at 7.1 at number four.
Number five. It must be the Mormons.
Utah. 7.2.
They are religious, very respectful people.
I can say that about the Mormons.
The ones I come in contact with have been very nice.
They never did bother me about their religion or try to change me or anything.
I can believe that. Utah probably is very nice people.
Number six. Arizona.
Arizona seems to me a lot like Florida.
Everybody there is from somewhere else.
I mean, especially like the old camps.
The 55 plus camps they have there.
You know, they're from all over the country.
They're even from all over the world.
A big destination for the oldy old sirs to go to is Arizona to retire.
The reason is because Rob, you hurt, right? I hurt.
We've done work all our life. Heavy work.
Yeah.
Okay. Arizona is a place where you hurt less.
You have all these storm fronts coming in and this gravity trying to pull you to the ground.
You know, with the barometric pressure being really low.
Right.
So I could see that just on that alone.
People are transplanted and they're happy.
Because they finally got good consistent weather.
They're in the house that they wanted to retire in.
Around the people they wanted to retire in.
So I could see that.
Not that any of them will be at a concert, but you never know.
Steely Dan probably comes by there, right?
Hey, you're feeling better.
You're more apt to get out and go to a concert.
That's true. Good point, Rob.
Yeah.
Okay. Arizona I could see.
Number seven. Yeah.
Yeah, except the Virginia.
Virginia comes in number seven at a 7.9.
Okay.
Except around the DC area of Virginia where you got a lot of my opinion from what I've witnessed.
A lot of snotty fucks.
Other than that, you go down to Virginia Beach and stuff like that.
And there's like naval bases there and stuff like that.
And they're very nice people, well-centered people.
So I think probably they didn't bother to go to DC because they didn't want to get carjacked.
So they probably went to the nicer places in Virginia.
So yeah, I could see that.
I could see that too.
Yeah. Number eight. Wyoming.
We know there are aliens that went there from Wyoming, right?
And I'm not talking about someone crossing the border.
So if someone got their feathers ruffled, calm back down.
I'm talking about from space.
He's talking about extraterrestrials.
Yes, thank you. I'm talking about ETs.
So anyhow, yeah, they're all ETs.
That's how come they're so nice. They're trying to blend in.
They don't know how humans really act, right?
Supposedly.
Yeah.
Allegedly.
I'll put that in there.
Allegedly also.
Yeah, allegedly.
But I mean, I mean, to be honest, every show starts out when we have no journalistic integrity.
And we will lie if it makes the story better.
I figured people...
I think that was fitting.
Yes. And that's how come every one of them starts off after the Daily Douchebag Pledge comes at,
because I feel that's important for people to know.
Don't trust us for anything.
Dumb move.
So number nine, New Hampshire.
8.3.
Okay.
You?
Okay.
Well, I do know people from New Hampshire, Jay and Cheryl.
Very nice people, so I could see that.
Go ahead, I'm sorry.
I'm trying to remember exactly where this radio station I've been listening to is out of.
But they're somewhere out of the Hamptons.
So they're up in there somewhere.
That's Hamptons is New York, isn't it? I was thinking.
Oh well, you know what, yeah.
Okay.
Springfield something.
I'd have to go in and look, find out.
Okay.
All right, they're rounding out the top ten, and then we'll go on to Rob's story.
Oregon at 8.6.
And I'm saying yes, because one of our top markets is Oregon Boardman area.
Yeah.
We know everyone that listens to two douchebags or microphone regularly are nice people, right?
Oh, it's got to be.
Yeah.
Yeah, so I would agree with that.
Thank you, Boardman.
You have a promo coming your way like all our other top markets.
Still working on it.
I just got done doing a bunch of news nobody gives a shit about.
Oh, what else?
Actually, Island of Horrible Jokes need to be refreshed.
So I did a few of them last night too.
So hopefully we'll get some new stuff in.
I mean, you will.
Anyhow, Rob, we turn to you.
All right.
Well, seeing how it's Saturday morning, I'm going to ruin some people's Saturday morning.
Good.
We like to do that here.
Yes.
Might as well start the day off right.
Yep.
Start it off shitty.
Coffee drinkers across America who love not only the caffeine and coffee, but the actual
taste of it might be in for a rude awakening sooner than later.
According to FoodandWine.com, 26 million Americans drink a cup or more of decaf coffee per day.
The coffee bean itself has caffeine in it naturally.
There is no way around that.
They found a way to side-scrub the caffeine in coffee through a process that uses methylene
chloride, a likely carcinogen used in the decaffeination process.
Okay.
Currently, the FDA allows a small amount of methylene chloride to remain on beans for
consumers, 10 parts per million.
That tiny number is currently up for debate in terms of health and safety.
Methylene chloride can be harmful to humans.
It's a colorless liquid that has been proven to cause eye, skin, liver, and heart injuries
and damage, according to the CDC.
In January of 2024, the FDA proposed a major food change that would remove methylene chloride
and other harmful ingredients from foods, including decaf coffee.
Wow.
So without this chemical, they're going to have to find another way of doing it, or you're
just going to have to give up your decaf.
There you go.
Rob, thanks for ruining everybody's morning.
Well, a lot of people's morning.
I heard a massive deflation.
If you hear dogs going off in the back...
Right.
They are starting to look into stuff like that.
No, and I agree with it.
Long-term stuff, and I'm glad they're finally doing it.
Yeah, I am too.
Health care costs are out of control, so preventative is probably the way to go.
If you can prevent some stuff.
If you heard the dogs going crazy, Val's sister's coming over, and we're all going to Warrensburg
for graduation.
So, anyhow, if you heard a bunch of dogs going nuts, that's what's happening.
So, anyhow, let's take our first break, and then we're going to come back with an article
and a Jeffy X list.
Oh, cool.
Yeah, Jeffy X.
There's a sound on the list.
God bless him.
He's awesome.
So, we'll be right back here in a couple minutes.
Okay, so I have a shredded chicken soft taco.
Now, I'm going to lay it flat, open it up, and then I'm going to roll it tightly the other way.
Will it then suddenly become a taquito?
Hmm.
I may never know.
Introducing Rob Radd's new book, How to Track Your Enemy by Seth.
That's right, smell your enemy before they get you.
Order this gem now and get a free virtual tour of Rob's secret bunker in Camdenton, Missouri.
Also receive a free copy of his new book, How to Clean Raw Sewage for Food.
Now it's time for Pick Up Lines from a Loser.
Are you a parking ticket?
You got fine written all over you.
And now, deep thoughts with Mark.
Hmm.
If at first you don't succeed, maybe you shouldn't try skydiving.
Just a thought.
Hmm.
This is a voice guide from your favorite podcast, Two Douchebags in a Microphone.
People often ask us how they can find us when doing a remote broadcast.
One, smell.
Go to the city market and start sniffing.
Our aroma has been described as a mixture of flea powder for goats, Tabasco sauce, and old sock with dark fuzzy urine.
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Three, the most telling sign is a crowd of patrons vomiting uncontrollably.
Four, just call us at 816-512-7717.
Two Douchebags in a Microphone, I'm Mark.
And I'm up.
I saw this article the other day, and then Jeffy X saw it and sent me some things about this song.
Dave and Busters, you know the food plus gaming?
Yeah.
I mean, they're known for all their games and kids and, well, probably more adults.
Like to go there and play the stand-up games, the board games, all of those.
Dave and Busters are allowing patrons to place bets on the games.
This will happen through the Dave and Busters app.
Yeah.
To make it a little bit more interesting, right?
So, I mean, I think that's a great idea.
You can see some really good rivalries going on already.
Yeah.
I think that's a great idea.
I don't know how they get away with it with states that don't allow gambling.
Yeah, I see you got the legality of it.
Well, I guess...
That would definitely make it more interesting.
Yeah.
I'm going to look into it and see if it's like every state because of somehow the way they did it.
You know, I mean, because you can call Vegas some place bets.
So maybe it's kind of the same type of thing.
So I don't know.
And around here, it's so precise.
State Line Road, you know State Line Road, right Rob?
Yeah.
Northbound is Missouri.
Southbound is Kansas.
If you're on Northbound State Line Road, your phone will not allow you to place a bet because you're in Missouri.
If you're on Southbound, you can place a bet all day long.
That's how precise that...
Wow.
Yes.
And I heard about it and I didn't believe it.
I was like, there's no way.
Yes, that's true.
That's how precise they are.
So if you're placing bets in a air quotations illegal area, I don't know.
You know, I don't know what happens.
But, hey, this is what they said they're going to do.
And there's a big article, but I didn't go into everything.
All you really need to know is they're going to be...
They'll allow betting on their apps.
Oh, I think I know how.
They don't mention money.
I'll bet you that's it.
They don't mention money, but you're playing, I don't know, full from down the road, right?
You guys talk about money, each one of you, right?
And then you place a bet online.
Then you're like, okay, here's your 10 bucks, Phil.
You kicked my ass.
I think that may be how it works.
Who knows?
Anyhow.
Well, Jeffy X, he came up with a list of bets that were denied by the National Gaming Committee
out of Vegas.
Okay, fair enough.
All right.
Allegedly.
All this is allegedly.
Okay.
So, bets that were denied.
Betting on whether a defibrillator was going to revive the person or not was turned down.
I could see that.
You know, guys laying on the ground having a heart attack.
And then before the guy zaps, she's like, all right, hey, who's in, but I save him,
and who's out?
Right?
Well, I would say that guy would have to stay out.
It's everybody around watching.
Yes.
It's side bets.
Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
That guy is not allowed to die.
The guy on the, yeah, that's the one stipulation.
The guy laying on the ground is not allowed to bet.
Well, it did.
No, the guy with the defibrillator is not allowed to bet.
Oh, no shit.
Yeah, he could.
Everybody, yeah.
Yeah, he could be, he could be in debt, and then the guy lying on the ground is in real
trouble.
So, okay.
Yeah.
That's a great point, Rob.
Well, I think that's why it failed, probably.
Okay.
Anyhow, the next one.
The betting line on a rural volunteer fire department response time was also denied.
I think you have experiences with rural fire departments like I do.
Yeah.
To place a bet on them, I think, is easy.
You go for the furthest amount of time and wait for the house to burn down, and then
you bet that they show up.
Yeah.
Yeah, pretty much.
Yeah.
I know, allegedly, at a place that I might have grown up in, it was supposed to be the
get away from your wife's club, according to people around there.
So, there was fine people who did it, but this is all allegedly and just saying.
So.
All right.
The betting on KC Pothill configuration after a downpour was too confusing and not approved.
There's no way you could bet on them.
There's 30 puddles right next to each other.
There's no way.
I mean, you have to go puddle A, B, C, D. I mean, you know.
So, there's no way you could bet on the configuration.
You can say, I think the puddles are going to be a T at the intersection.
Nope, nah, they're everywhere.
And no hope of getting them fixed because evidently Kansas City has money for a lot of
things, except their roads, allegedly.
So.
Hey, it's not just Kansas City, just saying.
Okay, no, no, I agree with that.
It's everywhere.
It's Missouri.
The worst ever is Detroit.
Oh my gosh.
They have horrible winters up there and they seemingly never.
These are interstates with fucking big potholes in them.
Never seen a thing like it.
Yeah.
Was it interstate 75 or something?
Anyhow, it doesn't matter.
The betting on what meth lab was next to explode was turned down by the Bates County
government.
No one in the county would be able to sleep.
I know, I know.
I was really disappointed by this because I got a really good idea along the Miramazine
there, a couple of supposed meth camps.
I was putting them to blow up.
What do you think?
Yeah, yeah, I mean, come on.
That's just old fashioned fun right there.
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, you hear a loud boom and you go there and look for the pieces.
Yeah, I mean, yeah.
I mean, that's good wholesome entertainment.
I don't get what's wrong with that, do you?
No, I don't either.
Yeah, well, you know what?
Some people are prudes, right?
Yep.
Okay.
All right.
Well, the next one.
And then Bates County turned it down because they hear booms all the time.
They become immune to it probably.
They don't even hear them anymore.
All right, good point.
I'm immune to sirens.
You know, I just don't hear them anymore.
So because I live in Kansas City, that's why I'm immune to sirens.
All right.
We'll see here.
Okay.
The betting on the next tornado warning was denied because the constant sirens
blocking the betting line.
Yeah, lately.
Yeah, I can see that.
Yeah, lately.
Yes.
Yeah.
Lately, Mother Nature seemed to get like a bushel of tornadoes and just sprinkle
them randomly over a listening area in Kansas City.
That way, any show you ever wanted to watch, you're learning about a tornado
three counties up north.
So.
It could be off, it's like that every year this time.
Yeah, you know what?
You're right.
It garners great ratings because people get on there to see it.
Do what?
Oh, people get on it to see it.
They have people in the field driving there.
They have Johnny Roller up in the Moose 9 chopper.
People tune in to see the tornado.
Right?
Agreed?
Right.
Yeah.
Right.
Yeah.
Anyhow, what were you saying, Rob?
Oh, I forget now.
Go ahead.
Okay.
All right.
The bedding on the next terrestrial radio conglomerate to fold did not go through because
it interfered with the online dishwashing applications for jocks.
Oh, too soon?
I can see it.
We love you, radio.
This is where we got our idea from.
But come on, man.
You guys would make fun of yourself if you were still on radio, right?
Yeah.
So anyhow, the online dishwashing apps are probably not that easy to fill out.
So, you know, I get it.
So, all right.
So, we will move right along from there.
So, anyhow, the bedding on little Skippy Bayless saying something idiotic was turned away because
it was too easy of a bet.
Oh, dude.
Come on.
Yeah.
I mean, you would just be like, okay, today he's going to do it.
Tomorrow he's going to do it.
Next day he's going to do it.
Okay, he's off Saturday and Sunday.
Okay, Monday he's going to do it.
I think the real bet is how many times he's going to say something idiotic.
I see the over and under is probably about 80 per episode.
What do you think?
That might be what they took into consideration.
They may have accepted that one.
Well, I'm going to have to look into that.
How many times instead of if he's going to.
You know what, I'm going to have to look into that, Rob, because I'll bet you anything that
they went ahead and approved that bet.
I mean, that bet's great.
Yeah, yeah.
I think you're on to something there.
Yeah, I would go with 80 probably.
How long is our show?
Two hours?
Something like that.
Undisputed.
Okay, well, anyhow, if it's an hour, I'd still go 80.
It doesn't matter.
So, okay.
And then the betting of two douchebags and microphone winning a Journalistic Integrity
Award was put off because too much laughter in the voting room.
Too soon.
Rob, I don't come up with these.
Jeffy X does.
I don't know what to say.
I know.
I'm flattened.
Even after you gave him the flying bat suit and everything, I mean.
At least they're laughing.
Yeah, you know what, that's true.
And I forgot to explain Jeffy X to everybody, so I'll do it afterwards.
How's that?
And then after that, I got a new mad shitter.
Someone took the place.
Uh oh.
Yes.
Rodeo CBS called right after, called the douchebags when they heard we had no Journalistic Integrity.
Too soon?
Too soon.
Okay.
Jeffy X is our sleuth that goes in and uncovers all these things.
Bad product ideas have failed.
Stuff like this, you know, that failed.
Anyhow, he always does this solid and comes up with these lists and we love him.
He's always incognito, so Rob simply gave him some gifts.
Okay, so he made embroidered underwear.
Handmade.
Handmade embroidered underwear with an X on the back and a Jeffy in the front.
But that's not it.
Wait, there's more.
He put a special Steven Pearcy patch sewed into the inside of his embroidered underwear on the front so he could stuff a sock in there and look more manly, if you will, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, supposedly Steven Pearcy from Rat used to have a pouch sewed into the front of his spandex so he could fill and fool.
But we're pretty sure that Jeffy X doesn't have to, right?
Uh, yeah, we've met him.
Yeah, so Rob made him some embroidered underwear and then he made him a Sgt. Pepper outfit that he refuses to take off.
He's still wearing that constantly.
He's a huge Beatles fan.
It's a lie, dude. It's a lie.
Yeah, and even when he puts his flying bat suit that you made him as a final gift, he even puts that over a Sgt. Pepper outfit.
He refuses to take it off.
So... Yeah, well, he told me that the extra ruffles on the suit helped in mid-flight.
Oh, I get it. Okay.
Yeah, yeah, he told me that. Yeah.
Oh, okay. Well, that's great.
And me, I'm a much more simpler man.
I gave him enough money to buy 50 pounds of blow and 80 hookers.
But that's if, you know, if he does that.
We're not sure. He probably... he may have paid off some credit cards.
But we don't break the law here at Two Douchebags and Microphone, so I could not deliberately buy him the blow and the hookers.
So I just gave him the monetary equivalent and he can do whatever he feels like with it.
So, and anyhow, real quick, we'll go to your story here in a second, but there's a new mad shitter, Rob.
Yeah, I want to hear this.
Okay. Well, there's this idiot, allegedly, that worked at Lewwood-Hurford House.
You know, Hurford House, the steak joint?
Yeah. Yeah.
Allegedly, he worked there.
Allegedly, he was putting fecal in people's food.
And look the article up, Rob. It is disgusting.
So I have to give the new mad shitter to him, even though I was, you know, I was accused to be in the mad shitter, but did not do it.
So don't you agree he's the mad shitter now?
Yeah. Yeah.
And those of you who don't know, I'll say the story real quick.
I mean, just listen to our programs, okay, and you'll get it.
I've told it a hundred times.
But I had a CPAP machine. I had the surgery.
And anyhow, I had to take back my CPAP machine that day, otherwise, because the insurance wouldn't cover it anymore,
because I went, you know, for an exam and they said you don't have sleep apnea anymore.
So I had to take it back that day, otherwise I was going to get ungodly charges.
I had to go to Clinton, Missouri, because I lived a little south of Kansas City.
So I get there. I take it in just in time. And then on the way out, I mean, this is when 7 Highway was two lanes
and didn't only have one station on the way out of Clinton, Missouri.
I stopped in there. I think...
Oh, God, that was a pain in the ass.
Wasn't it? Yeah. And there's cops everywhere on it. You had to go 55. Otherwise, you get busted.
So anyhow, I go in there and someone sprayed liquid shit all over the wall.
I since found out through a nurse friend that that is a colostomy bag, how they do that.
And anyhow, I was pissing as hard as I could so hard, I thought my urethra was going to blow up.
And I'm gagging and this old man followed me in there and he points at the wall and he goes,
I caught him, I caught him, I caught the mad shitter.
And I'm like, I just got in here. There's no way.
And I'm pissing as hard as I can and I'm hurting because I'm like dry heaving.
And I go, I just got in here. There's no way I could.
Pissed all over myself, but I didn't care. This old man's chirping behind me.
I got him. I got the mad shitter. And I'm like walking out of there.
And there's a subway that had joined it and they're all there like looking at me like I'm the mad shitter.
So I walked up to the lady, you know, I'm like, I'm still getting my 7-up, man.
I got an hour back to Harrisonville. Fuck that.
You know, that's the closest place I can get something from here.
You know, so I'm getting my 7-up.
So I got my 7-up and I go to the front desk at the checkout and I go, I'm not the mad shitter.
And she looked at me and she goes, sure you're not.
So this guy takes the reins of the mad shitter. I am no longer the mad shitter.
So Rob, we'll turn to you for something a little bit more substance and cleaner.
Uh.
Maybe, allegedly.
Maybe, maybe.
Okay.
Because I have our dumb ass of the week.
Oh! Hang on.
Alright.
Okay.
The National Park Service issued a statement on Monday that a man who purportedly kicked a bison at Yellowstone
and subsequently suffered minor injuries by the animal faces alcohol-related charges.
You think?
According to the statement,
Purge Yoder of Idaho Falls allegedly kicked a bison in the leg while at the Park's West entrance road on April 21st.
The statement reported that Park Rangers arrived after hearing reports about an individual harassing a herd of bison.
The Rangers arrested Yoder and pressed four charges against him.
Being under the influence of alcohol and endangering himself,
disorderly conduct, approaching wildlife, and disturbing wildlife.
According to NBC News, Yoder pleaded not guilty to the charges.
Wow.
Yoder was in the car with McKenna Bass, who was arrested for driving under the influence,
failing to activate her motorcylites, and disturbing wildlife.
Bass also maintains her innocence.
Wow.
Okay, I've been trashed numerous times before.
Have you ever wanted to go fuck with a buffalo or a bison?
Have you ever even wanted to mess with a dog, let alone a bison?
A dog, yeah.
Well, a dog, I'll pet and stuff like that.
But I mean, you don't go up and try to kick a dog or a bison, right?
No, no.
Yeah, yeah.
So this guy is particularly disturbing, and he deserves all the charges he gets because he's an asshole.
Only assholes get drunk and do that.
Go ahead, what?
I am officially putting him up on the next ass-paddling.
Oh, okay, hang on, hang on.
You've got to write this down.
You're right.
Clarence Yoder.
Got it.
All right.
Okay, you got it?
All right.
Got it.
Clarence.
Got it.
All right, move on.
Yoder, okay.
That was the end of the story, by the way.
Okay, let's see.
Okay, what the hell was I going to...I had something I was going to go into, but I freaking forgot now, damn it.
See?
Got our minds off a thing, too.
Yep, that's true.
So, all right, let's take our second break, and we'll come right back with more stuff.
Sounds good.
All right, thanks.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee-slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity.
I will rescue the man my mom told me to not burn trash in the beginning.
Have you ever wondered where something came from?
Have you ever looked at something and said, hey, I wonder what the origin of that is?
Well, so have we.
That's why we gave you the origin of...
What is the origin of Mountain Dew?
Tennessee bottlers Barney and Ally Hartman developed Mountain Dew as a mixer in the 1940s.
Soft drinks were sold regionally in the 1930s, and the Hartmans had difficulty in Knoxville obtaining their preferred soda to mix with liquor, preferably whiskey, so the two developed their own now known as Mountain Dew.
Now, from his underground bunker in Camden in Missouri, stock-full of dried guts, canned food, and a couple of vibrating toys, is ramblings of a madman featuring Rob Rant.
When you're young, you sneak out of the house to go to parties.
When you're old, you sneak out of parties to go home.
Somewhere in the heavens, your great-grandma Gertrude is crying because her little b-bo is listening to this film.
Hi, all. This is Chicago. I am the most dangerous city in North America.
You can't touch me.
Oh, yeah? This is Kansas City here. Hold my beer, bitch.
Oh, Lord! That man just saw a puppy in ha-
Hey there. Don't worry. I have a clown nose.
Oh, no! That drunk guy just hit my child!
It's okay. I have a clown nose.
Clown nose! Just put one on and you can do anything.
Wanna run for office? Murder people in public? Just grab a clown nose and BAM! Everyone laughs.
Clown noses are sold at gag stores online and pedophile conventions. Grab one today and make magic happen.
We're just like a really funny radio show with all the funny taken out.
The apocalypse just happened. You don't know what to do. You don't know where to go. But we can tell you what you can eat.
Hi, all. This is Mark here. I'm usually the one telling you what to eat during an apocalypse.
Well, this time I decided to go the other way.
You ever consider just going to ground zero and saying, fuck it?
Do you really want to be the guy running around looking for radioactive deer, guessing whether water is not contaminated or not?
No food, no shelter, no nothing.
Oh, no. There's a strong argument that says, you know what? Let's just go to ground zero and see what's for us after.
Just a thought.
Oh, shit. What's that over there? Oh, no. It's island of horrible jokes.
I can't take my dog to the lake. The ducks keep attacking him.
That's what I get for having a purebred dog.
Please remember to go to Cole's dressing room, wait five minutes and scream,
Hey, there's no toilet paper in here.
We are back. Two douchebags and microphone. Hi, Opal. Hi, Jimmy. Hi, Ricky. That's what I was going to say, Rob.
Hi, grandma. Hi, Jimmy. Hi, Ricky. Hi, Dodge City.
Dodge City. We love you guys. Hopefully you got some rain out of these last couple of systems.
Email me. Let me know. Love you guys. You guys are awesome. Keep listening, please.
OK. After 15 years, Michael Irvin is no longer at the NFL Network, a source with knowledge of the situation confirmed to outkick.
The Dallas Cowboys legend joined the league-owned media company in 2009, becoming a fixture on game day morning.
I personally like his analysis. I think he's informative and well-spoken.
I also met him in an elevator down at Ocean Manor and also Dennis Rodman, too, which was unfortunate because to me, Dennis Rodman, yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. So Michael Irvin was really cool because I was wearing a Kansas City shirt and he said, I was wearing a Chiefs jersey, my homes.
And, yeah, you from Kansas City? Yes, I am. And, you know, and I go, I couldn't see him because I just came out of the beach and there's a dark elevator.
And I go, you sound familiar. He started laughing and his guys with him started laughing. I think they were also football players.
They were as big as he was. And he goes, yeah, I get that a lot. So anyhow, we got to our elevator.
Elevator, I turn around and I go, yep, yeah, I know who you are. But he was very nice. Anyhow, unlike what I think of Dennis Rodman.
So anyhow, Irvin was previously suspended by the network last year after alleged misconduct with a woman at a Phoenix hotel while he was covering the Super Bowl.
The Hall of Famer denied any wrongdoing and filed a $100 million lawsuit against the employee in Marriott, which was eventually settled.
Irvin's lawyers released surveillance footage of the interaction with the employee.
The two initially shook hands before entering the hotel bar and throughout the conversation Irvin appeared to touch her elbow twice.
Irvin and the employee again shook hands and then she went back inside the bar a few seconds later.
Irvin appeared to slap himself in the face three times before walking toward the main entrance to take a selfie with somebody and then back toward the lobby.
The video provides no audio, but Marriott claimed that a visibly intoxicated Irvin made the employee visibly uncomfortable and asked her a sexually explicit question.
Irvin and Marriott differed on the context of the conversation. Marriott says Irvin's sexually disturbing conversation, but the Hall of Famer says the conversation was never inappropriate.
He was reinstated at the start of the 2023 NFL season, but it ultimately became his last. The move comes amid other layoffs with Andrew Siliano, Melissa Stark, Will Silva, James Palmer also got let go.
After reading that article, at first I thought it was related to those charges. I don't think so now.
Everybody is cutting back because no one is making money at media anymore really. Just look at radio, terrestrial radio. It's in shambles.
There are many big morning and afternoon shows that they're not even offering contracts to.
They're just like, you know what, we want to be a jukebox because that's what everybody wants.
So they're a jukebox, they got one person programming like 50 stations, and then you got one jock, and then they just insert like the local time and weather and all that stuff.
It's really depressing how the media, how it's become. So I can believe that Irvin was let go because, I mean, they just don't generate the money they used to.
So, yeah, so I mean, it's kind of sad. And another note is, if you ever want to see Dennis Rodman or Michael Irvin, in my opinion, from what I witnessed, Ocean Manor, I talked to the consigliere there at Ocean Manor,
and he said that the owner of Ocean Manor in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, is friends with football players and ex-players, and he allows them to stay there, I guess, for free, allegedly.
And so, because he knows it creates buzz. Here I am on this podcast talking about it, right? So there might be a couple of people out there like, I'm going to book Ocean Manor, and it's not that high of a price of a place either.
You can get in there maybe $130 a night, maybe a little bit less, depending on the time, you know, there's busy times, then off times. Off times you can probably get in less than that.
And anyhow, they hang around the Tiki Bar and all that. Do what?
Just from listening to you, I think I'm going to look into it.
It's a cool place. They've got a great resort in the back. And also, the other thing is, and we didn't know this, I just read the article right before Val and I discovered it.
There was a large iron cross that came ashore, this is quite a few years ago, and landed right there, right behind Ocean Manor. We didn't know that's where it was, because it said it landed on a beach.
We didn't know it was that beach there in Fort Lauderdale. And we were going into the ocean and we spotted it, and we were like, oh my God, I just read that article and so did Val about the, they don't know where the cross came from.
They call it their holy gift from the sea. No one claimed it, no one knows where it came from, but it's a large metal cross that washed ashore there and it's really neat. It's right behind Ocean Manor.
And then right next door, Ocean Skies are pretty cool places to stay too. Try to get a balcony room that faces the ocean. And in the same way with Ocean Manor, you might have to pay a little bit more, but it's worth it.
I mean, there's nothing better than sitting out there smoking a cigar, drinking a Yanling, looking at the ocean. That's my opinion.
Sounds awesome to me.
It is. I'll give you all the information, Rob, if you want to know that.
Yeah.
Anyhow, we'll turn to you for the next story, Rob.
Okay, you ready to applaud me for the second time this morning?
Okay.
HAAA HAA HAA HAA
Alright.
I got you an American songwriter.
Oh yeah. Alright. I got Wood, allegedly.
I don't know if you want to say it to this one.
Oh no, okay. I take that back.
Five pop songs that reference nursery rhymes.
I've got an Emmy right now.
So go ahead.
It's funny how I've done that this last couple.
Yeah, yep.
Okay. First up, Cats in the Cradle by Harry Chapin.
Yeah.
This song by Chapin and his wife, Sandra, is about the relationship between a father and his son.
In the opening, Sandra, the father is too busy working to spend time with his young boy.
In the final verse, it's the son who doesn't have enough time.
It's a beautiful sad song about family and addiction.
But it also seems to reference the nursery rhyme, Hey Diddle Diddle.
I didn't know which nursery rhyme it referenced or was in the tune of.
But yeah, I could see that now.
Okay.
Quote, Hey Diddle Diddle, the cat in the fiddle, the cat jump over the moon.
The little dog laughs to see such sports and the dish went away with the spoon.
You see.
Chapin in the song on the 1974 album and the cat in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue and the man on the moon.
When you're coming home, dad, I don't know when.
Okay, yeah.
Okay.
See you now.
It's also brilliant, Rob.
No royalty checks to anybody.
Nobody owns that nursery rhyme.
So yeah, perfect crime.
Okay, next up, who I don't know.
Okay.
Peter Piper by Ron Dancy.
Don't remember that.
From the Rappidary Rap Group's 1986 album Raising Hell cites the well-known nursery rhyme, Peter Piper.
You know that tongue twister all about Peter Piper picking a peck of pickled peppers.
Hey, I actually said it.
I can't believe it.
You did very well, Rob.
Very well.
Now, Peter Piper picked peppers but Ron rapped rhymes.
Humpty Dumpty fell down and his, that's his hard time.
Jack the Nimble, what?
Nimble and he was quit.
But Jam Master much faster, Jack saw Jay's dick.
Now Little Bo Peep cold lost her sheep and Rip Van Winkle fell to hell asleep.
And Alice Chillin' Somewhere in Wonderland, Jack serving Jill Busta in his hand.
Wow.
Yeah.
Okay, I think I do remember that.
I didn't know the name of it.
That's one of the Peter Piper.
Yeah, I do remember that song.
I remember hearing it and thinking how outrageous it was.
A friend of mine was playing it and his Jensen speakers.
And his Kreger wheels.
Anyhow, go ahead.
Only certain people would get that.
I've never been much into rap but I'm getting into it a little bit.
I really appreciated the out there.
You know what I mean?
The taking a chance and doing something like that.
I was like, wow, this is great.
So anyhow, go ahead.
Okay, next up we have Humpty Dumpty by Amy Mann.
I don't know this person either.
Okay.
This song from Amy Mann's 2002 album Lost in Space takes its title from the fame nursery rhyme
about the egg who sat on the wall, Humpty Dumpty.
The song was the album's first single and it also opens the record.
To begin the track, which is all about the heaviness of life and love, man sings.
Say you were split, you were split in fragments and none of the pieces would talk to you.
Wouldn't you want to be who you had been?
Well, baby, I want that too.
And to conclude it, she offers all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put baby together again.
All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put baby together again.
Okay.
Unfamiliar with that, but cool.
Yeah, I'm unfamiliar with that one too.
Here we go.
All the King's Horses by Dusty Springfield.
Oh yeah, yep.
This another song that references Humpty Dumpty, the track which is from Dusty Springfield's 2015 album Faithful,
which was recorded in 1971, is all about heartbreak.
It begins with Springfield singing.
My friends keep telling me to pull myself together.
They try to cheer me up, but it's not getting better.
They say that time will pass and I'll love again someday, but time is standing still ever since you went away.
Now all the King's Horses and all the King's Men, you'll never get me back together again.
Because I just fall apart each time I look at you.
Now all the King's Horses and all the King's Men are never going to make me smile again.
Wow, okay.
I remember that one. I don't remember the lyrics, but I remember that song.
Yeah, yeah, and the same way I remember the song. I didn't remember the lyrics.
Yeah.
Okay, and this one I have no idea about because I've never heard this version of it.
Country Grammar Hot Shit by Nelly.
Okay.
This one is the St. Louis rapper, Nelly's most popular songs.
And one of the reasons is so is because Nelly knows how to use lyrics that relate to as many people as possible.
One of the ways he does that is by using the children's nursery rhyme, Down Down Baby.
Okay.
I've never heard that one.
Me neither.
Stung often on the playground, the kids rhyme involves hand claps and sing.
Down down baby, down by the roller coaster, sweet sweet baby, I'll never let you go.
Shimmy shimmy, cocoa pop, shimmy shimmy pow.
Okay, I remember that.
I do too a little bit.
Now, yeah.
I know what they're referring to. Excuse me, my allergies.
We're too poor to afford a cough button here at Two Deuce Bags and Microphone.
Hey, I'll go ahead. What did you say?
Well, let me go a little deeper in this one.
Okay.
On his famed hip hop track, which was the title track for his 2000 breakout LP, Nelly Raps.
I'm going down down baby, go street in a range rover.
Street sweeper baby, cock ready and let it go.
Hot shit.
Shimmy shimmy, cocoa what?
Listen, dude.
Do it, pound.
Ride it up and take a pub pass to me now.
I'm going down down baby, go street in a range rover.
Street sweeper baby, cock ready and let it go.
Shimmy shimmy, cocoa what?
Okay, now I see why they're coming up with it.
Yeah, yeah, I do too.
Okay.
Was that the?
All right, wait. That was it for that.
Okay.
Excuse me here.
Okay. Thank you, Rob. That was pretty good.
Real quick and then I'm going to have to get off here.
I already morning special.
Yep. I'm going to do a couple of stories here and then I've got to start getting ready to go to Warrensburg for the graduation.
Right.
So rapper Osama Sun claims he is being sued by Iron Maiden after ripping off the powerslave era piece of Iron Maiden art for the cover of the deluxe edition on his latest album.
As seen below in a screenshot of Osama Sun's Instagram story, which has since expired, news outlet,
Kerco shared the news of an alleged lawsuit Iron Maiden is suing me. So the cover is gone. The rapper wrote lagging the band's handle or tagging the band's handle.
Sorry, the ink is going out in this and it's kind of hard to read.
Okay, so tagging the band's handle. Now it shows a picture here of it.
And it it's obviously Eddie and I do remember that famous photo. I didn't remember it is off a powerslave.
But yeah, interesting. The next post also shows the artwork for the rapper's flex music deluxe edition album, which was released in February, as well as Iron Maiden art in question.
Also below is another screenshot of one of Osama Sun's Instagram story where he preaches positivity saying all love to Iron Maiden.
The rapper also encouraged his fans to stop harassing the metal legends. Wow.
So I guess people are harassing the fans of him. Osama Sun is is harassing Iron Maiden over the lawsuit. It sounds like that's what I got out of it.
Yeah. And so that that article I got to get a new I got to find an ink cartridge somewhere because this is a different one.
It's an older Canon. But I like it because it details everything better.
And also you can take pages out and put in pages so I don't print up a bunch of stuff I don't need.
And anyhow, I'm trying to locate it on Amazon or online, the specific cartridge that I need.
And anyhow, so like if I'm kind of stuttering through some of these articles, won't my ink going out and I am not able to find an ink replacement yet a cartridge.
So I got you. I got you. OK, cool.
All right. I think we're going to go in and this because like I said, I gots to get ready and gets to going.
So everybody, it's good. It's a huge auditorium. So we're going to have to get there early and get our spot and all that stuff.
So there's going to be a lot of us. This one lets you know I bought three new Vinyl's yesterday.
Oh, you did. What are they? I bought the original Montrose Montrose.
73. With bad motor scooter and rock candy.
Yep. I also bought Nazareth, Hair of the Dog. Oh, classic. Classic.
Are you ready for this? Yes. Ozzy Osbourne, Diary of a Madman.
Oh, that is a great album too. And I love the artwork on it.
And the middle, the inlay, the when you open it up. Yeah, that is classic. Is it an original from back then?
Yes, it is a 1981 original. Nice. That's what I'm doing. I'm buying all originals, man.
And I talked to the guy. This happened to be from the same guy that I've been buying them from.
I actually got the meeting yesterday. Okay. He's got a booth in a thrift store.
And they've had some tents. Dude, you should have seen some of the albums they had.
I wish I could have afforded all of them. But he's throwing a teeth and eye on me for a Wizard of Oz.
Does he do shirts too? He what? Does he do shirts also or just LPs?
Oh no. Right now it's just records. They have other music equipment. I got his card. We're going to stay in touch.
That's cool. I got a guy in Eureka Springs that can come up with any type of design.
All you got to do is take a picture of it. But he only does it on tie-dye. That's his thing.
And I hate tie-dye. And there's some certain designs I'm looking for. Someone could find the original.
Or even a copy of it that is in good condition. I have three different t-shirts that I want to buy from different eras.
And anyhow, he might be someone to look into. Alright, everybody, I have to go.
So everybody, thank you for listening. Have a great night. We'll talk to you guys on the next podcast tomorrow evening, right?
Tomorrow evening, my friend.
Alright, I will talk to you then. Good night, assholes.
Good night, assholes.
Oh no. Looks like the show's over, kids. Mark has explosive diarrhea and can't afford a wireless mic.
Fear not, assholes. They'll be back invading your ear holes soon.