And now it's time for...
The Daily Deucebag Pledge
Here at Two Deucebags in a Microphone, we don't stand behind our journalistic integrity.
Go ahead and assume we got the story wrong. At least we admit it.
Not like all those other guys, we can and will lie if it makes the story better.
Two Deucebags and a Microphone
We Talk
Jesus
And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark
Should I record frog sounds in the summer, then play them when it's zero degrees on my ring doorbell for the Amazon guy?
Yeah, that sounds like fun.
Hey fellas, remember to wipe away from the twins. Stay fresh ideas from the Deucebags.
Hey there, fuckstick. You're just in time for brand new feature news nobody gives a shit about.
A goat farm in Montana has a parrot trained to call the goats in for dinner every night.
And have you ever wondered where something came from? Have you ever looked at something and said, I wonder what the origin of that is? Well so have we. That's why we give you The Origin of...
The Origins of Beignet
Beignet was first made in appearance in New Orleans in the 1700s when French Creole colonists settled the land. According to NewOrleans.com, also known as French Arcadians, they moved to the Bayou lands in Louisiana after they were forced from their homes in the Nova Scotia area by the British. Reports Britannica.
This is a voice guide from your favorite podcast, Two Deucebags and a Microphone.
People often ask us how they can find us when doing a remote broadcast.
1. Smell. Go to the city market and start sniffing. Our aroma has been described as a mixture of flea powder for goats, Tabasco sauce and old sock with dark fuzzy urine.
2. Look for the spot absent of patrons.
3. The most telling sign is a crowd of patrons vomiting uncontrollably.
4. Just call us at 816-512-7717.
Two Deucebags and Microphone, my name is Mark.
And my name is Rob.
Before we get to any of the normal crap that we put on here, Rob has an announcement for everybody.
Well, it seems like I am now off the single list. I have started seeing somebody, my friend.
You ladies had your chance. Too late now.
Yep. Somebody I've known for a little while and we just started getting to know each other and everything and everything seems to be working good.
I'm kind of liking where this could hit. We'll see. We'll give it time.
Very good, Rob. Very good.
Yeah.
Alright. Very happy for you.
Okay, well we had a whole program that was going to slip into you a day ago, but it got erased.
I was in Bluetooth hell. It switched to Bluetooth that I didn't need it to, therefore it did not load up on my computer.
So that's lost. So we're going to try to replicate this the best we can of the lost episode.
And then maybe even go into some other stuff too.
So anyhow, you ever heard of the Interstate Mullet Toss, Rob?
No, I have not.
Okay. The tradition of the Interstate Mullet Toss began as an occasion to party on the fourth weekend in July 1985.
Over the years, the celebration has grown into the Gulf Coast's greatest beach party and attracts thousands of people from all over the nation and world every year.
The celebration is quite simple. Participants will toss a dead mullet over the state line between Florida and Alabama to see who can reach the furthest.
It all originated in the iconic beach bar Florida-Bama located on the Florida-Alabama border in Perdido-Key.
Or K-ey. Or however you want to pronounce it.
So the venue is still the spot where the celebration takes place.
It became popular after the former University of Alabama and NFL quarterback Kenny Stadler threw a mullet across the goal line.
Many records were set in the Interstate Mullet Toss.
Josh Sertom had a record of 189 feet and 8 inches in 2004.
Ronald Bradstock, a former Olympic javelin thrower, participated in an attempt to break the record in 2008, but he fell short by almost 20 feet and 169 feet and 9 inches.
The Interstate Mullet Toss even is held at a roadhouse or beach bar, so there are also no restrictions whatsoever on alcoholic beverages.
There is a large full bar on the beach, so you do not even have to leave the beach to get drunk.
The only true victim of all this is the scaly baitfish called mullets that they fish of choice.
Yeah, you all thought hair.
So when we're saying dead mullet, we're talking about a fish.
Do you get it, Rob?
Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah, I got you.
Do you think of hair, right? A dead mullet?
Yeah, originally.
Okay.
So the first one is toss a fish.
The best thing you can do to celebrate the Interstate Mullet Toss is by participating in it.
Yes, the very point of the day is to have fun by throwing mullets and partying, so why not?
Plan a trip.
Plan a trip and invite all your friends and family together to go to the iconic beach party.
The important part of this is to spend quality time and have fun.
Share your story on Insta and Facebook and Twitter, formerly known as X or vice versa.
I'm starting to do that. I'm starting to call it Twitter, formerly known as X, just to be a dick.
There will be.
Why not? Why not?
Yeah, I'm just going to do it backwards, just being an asshole.
Okay.
There will be a bikini contest.
There will be epic bikini contests each year on the beach, and you better get your seats ready.
Flaunt your ink.
There is a great place to flaunt your tattoos and talk to other folks about your ink.
Alcohol flows like rivers.
All right. People over 21 can enjoy all kinds of alcohol on the beach.
Locals stay home.
Surprisingly, the locals tend to stay home anyhow. They're pretty fucking sick of this stuff, so they're not coming out and they're not getting in your way.
So everybody enjoy the interstate mullet competition coming up soon near an Alabama, Florida line near you.
Sounds like a good time for all.
All right. I turn to you for more crap.
Well, seeing how the NFL draft pick is going on, and this is one of the stories I had the other night that we lost.
I'm going to go ahead and reread it.
All right.
Employees of the company passed each year with rapidly personalizing joseys for each first-round NFL draft pick as they are announced don't need to travel very far for this year's player selections in Detroit.
Well, headquarters in St. Clark St. Clair Shores, Michigan, sits 17 miles from the stage where NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell will inform players in the world that they have been selected by an NFL franchise.
The draft coming back to Detroit is extra special for us said Brent Kisha, the company's vice president of strategic sales.
The forels team has under two minutes from the moment each pick is made until Goodell greets him to personalize the jerseys backstage in the Nike jersey room at the NFL draft theater.
That's quick. I know. Two minutes. I know.
That's crazy. Well, think about this and I'm getting ready to go into this story, Rob. Okay, the Bills and the Chiefs swap picks, right?
So everyone thought that Worthy was probably going to go to Bills. So I'm pretty sure they had a Bills jersey made out with Worthy on the part because both teams were in dire need of a wide receiver.
And that guy is the fastest one on record right now of the combine. He runs the fastest 40 yard dash Xavier Worthy, who is now a Kansas City Chief.
So when that switched, I imagine they already had those. They already had a couple of the jerseys I bet already made up.
And I'll bet you when they traded up, they're like, oh, shit, get a Chiefs uniform over here now. But that that is amazing. They can do that so quick, isn't it?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I didn't have this on the last part, the last episode, but I'm going to go ahead and do it now because it happened since then.
Chiefs trade up with Buffalo to get Xavier Worthy.
Cannot believe Buffalo traded with us. Stephon Diggs trade Diggs, not Diggs. Stephon Diggs trade clause was no trade to the Chiefs.
So you get this young guy that is the fastest ever speed time, the 40 yard dash. It was recorded at four point twenty one seconds, which is just ridiculous.
Think of that 40 yard dash in just a little bit over four seconds.
Think of how blazing fast that's got to be from start to finish.
Hello, Rob. Right. Right. Right. OK.
Buffalo is it? I thought the Bluetooth went out. Sorry. OK. I'm here. I'm here. I thought it was Pullman's regular shit again.
So OK. So if I'm a little cautious today, I'm sorry.
Buffalo is in dire need of a receiver and they let this piece of gold go through their hands.
Casey's MO is get receivers young and coach them up.
Buffalo needs to look over the Chiefs and maybe try this approach. You know, the Chiefs, when Tyreek came to them and said, hey, I want more money or to be traded.
The Chiefs said, fine, no problem. And then then when he found Miami, Chiefs were like, done.
So, you know, they didn't hold on to Tyreek Hill. They wasn't going to overpay him.
They're like, now, you know what? We can we can win without him. And they have two Super Bowl sets.
I can only guess that Buffalo has already thrown in the towel for the next couple of seasons.
What do you think that Rob says? I'm not going to. Yeah.
Yeah. Not going after Xavier worthy. I think that they need the extra draft picks because they know they're not near winning a Super Bowl.
So they're just going to sit back for a little bit. You know, they got Josh Allen.
They're going to keep him there. They're going to, you know, and they're going to go, all right, let's lay low.
Build our team up again. And then we're going to try to figure out a way to beat that guy over there. Number 15.
And so I think there's a lot of that going on this season.
So anyhow, Brandon Bean, Bill's, uh, uh, Brandon Bean, Bill's GM took his ball and went home.
Here's to being self-aware or with a talent like Josh Allen.
Maybe they should treat every year as a potential Super Bowl year.
I mean, isn't that the old, uh, isn't that the old thought? And probably still, if you have a guy that can put a team on his back every year is a potential Super Bowl year.
Wouldn't you think? Yeah, you would think. Yeah. A guy like Josh Allen. He isn't a Mahomes.
No, Mahomes can just will a victory as we've all seen.
Um, the only problem with Josh Allen is, is he has to run up against number 15 every year. That's what the problem is right there.
If he didn't have to run up against number 15, he might've already had a couple of Super Bowls.
So, oh well, thanks Brandon Bean. This kid will fit in right away.
Chief's second pick was Kingsley Sumatra Tia Sumatria or something such as offensive tackle from Brigham Young.
He looks really good. He was looked at as the Chief's possible number one if Texas Longhorns Averworthy wasn't taken before the first pick.
When Sumatria, that's how you pronounce it, Sumatia, was still on the board, San Francisco 49ers helped their cause with a trade to move up to get him.
So, so okay Rob, think of this. The team we beat in the Super Bowl and the team we beat in the divisional round both helped us get our guys to win more.
Don't you find that absurd? Yeah, I do. Yeah. I mean what happened to, we don't really need them but we're going to block these guys from getting them?
I mean, you know what, they're probably also going to win, we're also talking about Mahomes. And also Andy Reid, he deserves a lot of credit too.
Alright, so the 49ers helped us with a move up to get him. Two teams would beat them both season, you know. I guess there's no hard feelings, right? I guess that's why they traded with us?
Um, yes and no. Yeah, so anyhow, thank you San Francisco and thank you Buffalo Bills. Thank you for clearing the way and knowing the Kings are here. Right?
Right. Okay, Rob, we turn to you.
Alright, federal regulators on Tuesday enacted a nationwide ban on new non-compete agreements, which keep millions of Americans from minimum wage earners to CEOs switching jobs within their industries.
The Federal Trade Commission on Tuesday afternoon voted 3-2 to approve the new rule, which will ban non-compete for all workers when the regulations take effect in 120 days.
For senior executives, existing non-compete can remain in force. For all other employees, existing non-compete are not enforceable.
The Antitrusting Consumer Protection Agency heard from thousands of people who said they had been harmed by non-competes, illustrating how the agreements are robbing people of their economic liberty.
For non-union workers, the only leverage they have is their ability to quit their job. Non-compete don't just stop you from taking a job, they stop you from starting your own business.
Yep.
I kind of agree with it.
I agree with that a thousand percent.
I really do.
I always thought it was bullshit that a company can do that. Now the only part that I agree with it on is my union had that.
Well, now that I don't work in a related field, I was working in what was covered under my union jurisdiction only the last 16 years that I worked.
It was not in a union company, okay? It was a non-union company.
So because I was working directly against them, one, I couldn't receive my pension, and two, they can deduct a little bit out of your pension each year that you're working against them.
And the reason that is is because of this right here. They paid for my schooling, right?
Right.
So I think they do deserve something because I would have had to pay a lot of money going to a trade school that wasn't union sponsored, right?
Right.
So that's kind of like their way of getting their money back going, well, if you're going to work against us, we're just going to.
And I don't, to be honest, I don't know if they even actually did. I just know that there's a clause in there that they can.
Because the way it's figured up, because I'm getting, I'm starting to get my pension now.
But while I work, which is excellent, but I have no way to tally it up. So I don't know if they did or not.
So they may not, for all I know, they might, they may not do that anymore, but I can understand why unions do that.
So anyhow, I think it's a great thing. And I'm glad that the United States government took some interest in that and finally got it done.
So. Yeah, me too. Me too.
I have my Wiener World in Oberlin Park.
What would you call it? Rating?
Review? Review, yes.
Yeah, there you go.
All right. Wiener World in Oberlin Park has a pot dog.
It is described like this.
Fatty bombatti Mexican green chorizo Verde Brat.
Dark poblano cream cheese.
Pickled onion and oregano shake. That means they shake it on it.
Toasted hemp hearts.
Roasted pumpkin seeds.
And Valentina hot sauce with 100% THC infused brat.
I did not have the pot dog, but I had a gourmet dog with Gouda cheese, peppers, special sauce, jalapenos, and topped off with Italian meatballs.
This was the best hot dog I've ever had by far.
So it was excellent.
Now the pot dog I have not had, but I know some of that's going to try it.
And they at least are going to write me a review, if not do a little segment for this podcast, about how good the THC infused pot dog is.
So anyhow, I was going to give my review of that a long time ago, but somehow I spaced it off.
And anyhow, the pot dog sounds tasty too, right?
Yeah, it does sound good.
But a gourmet dog, I mean with a Gouda cheese, peppers, I don't know what the special sauce was, but that special sauce was good.
I mean, if it was jizz, it was fucking good. I don't know what to say. It was good stuff.
So anyhow, and then to top it off with the Italian meatballs, at first I was like, what the hell?
How can you disgrace Italian meatballs like that, right?
You know, there's like meatballs, and then there's Italian meatballs, which are on the Mount Rushmore of food, right?
Right, right.
Yeah, it's like, you mean to tell me you're going to put these beautiful fucking Italian meatballs on a hot dog?
They did, and it worked perfectly. I don't know what to say. I'm rather embarrassed.
I was like, wow, I loved it. I thought it was great.
And then they toast it. That was, oh, I forgot to get into that.
It was run through a toaster, Rob. So.
Oh wow.
Yeah, the bun and everything was all caramelized, toasted over, and it was fricking delicious, man.
I saw them run it through the toaster and I got wood. I'm like, woohoo! Yeah.
So anyhow, I advise anyone that likes food, not just hot dogs, food.
And number two, if you like food in pot, go get the stamp thing. It sounds great.
And if you're not into pop, then get the gourmet dog that they have on the menu, which is so fricking good too.
So anyhow, either way, you can't go wrong. And then they had other stuff too.
They had some sort of kettle chips that they cook themselves. They look great, but I wasn't that hungry.
And then they had like, I don't know, it looked like maybe cheese fries with chili. Their chili looked fantastic.
But like I said, I wasn't that hungry. And then they do a chili dog. They do a New York dog.
They do a Chicago dog. They'll do whatever you want.
You know, if you want anchovies on it, I don't know why you would, but I do believe in them.
Yeah, that'd ruin it.
Yeah, I do believe they have anchovies.
No, no, no, me too. I hate anchovies. They're nasty.
But I do believe they even have anchovies. So they have like a toppings bar that they throw on there and there's like 30 or 40 different toppings.
And now I'm not going to read them all off, but just go on on their website, go down there yourself, whatever.
And go get one. Good shit. And it's not like they're hurting for business.
They were extremely busy when I went there. So people know about them, you know.
So anyhow, Rob, you want to take our first break and then we'll come right back. Sound good?
Sounds good.
Okay, we'll be right back, people.
Next up, Things Overheard in Hell.
Spam. With Spam Helper tonight. How yummy.
Hey, look, I think we found land. Oh my God, I think we're safe.
Oh no, it's the island of horrible jokes.
What do you call a factory that just makes okay products?
A Satis factory.
Now it's time for pick up lines from a loser.
There's something wrong with my phone. It doesn't have your number in it.
Once again, it's time for Rambling of a Madman.
I believe Congress needs to synchronize tap dance for 20 minutes before each session.
That needs to happen.
The apocalypse just happened. You don't know what to do. You don't know where to go. But we can tell you what you can eat.
Okay, it's post-apocalypse and you're walking down the barren wasteland that used to be a city.
You find an old can of beans lying in the middle of the road, but you do not have a can opener.
What you do then is you find a patch of concrete, you rub the top of the can for five minutes,
then you go to the middle of the can and squeeze it and it should pop right open.
Brick Shit House Energy Drink. That's right, Brick Shit House Energy Drink. Make men feel a girl. Two hundred balls. You want to fuck shit up? You want to fuck America? Brick Shit House is for you.
Please enjoy Brick Shit House Energy Drink responsibly. It's not readily available anywhere.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee-slapper. It's strange insults from an alien. Real hilarity.
Hey, your chair produces sound similar to a fart, but only once. Such that, it cannot reproduce any proof that it was just the chair.
Not aware of the Amber Alert, right? Well, get rid of your disinfectants and rubber bedspreads, kids. It's the all-new Amber Heard Alert system.
This fantastic early warning device helps one stay dry and rid of all those annoying mattress invoices.
Simply hook up to child under six or psychopath and wait for the running water sound.
This clever machine has three distinct settings. Bablin Brooks, ocean waves and roaring river for those close called.
Order today and get a free Cinnabon Renuze It Cartridge.
Okay, so you know that you go into a guitar center, right Rob? Right. Okay. And anyhow, there's songs that people play, right?
Right. Okay. And when we were doing this, it was like Smoke on the Water, maybe some Sabbath.
I mean, Smoke on the Water was the number one one because a lot of people learn how to do that. It wasn't that complicated.
And then you'd have like maybe Iron Man or try to think of some other songs.
But anyhow, there's like some basic rhythm songs that people went in there and played mostly.
So this is changed a little bit since you and I were doing this. Okay. So I imagine it has.
Yes. So this is songs that employees at guitar centers can't hear anymore due to hearing them hundreds of times a day.
And they did a study. This is not a joke. For real. They don't hear this. Their mind turns it out.
It blanks it out because they've heard it so many times. Someone comes in and plays one of these song licks or the rhythm and they simply don't hear it.
They heard it so many times. Most of them just, you know, whenever someone plays it, they just don't hear it.
So does that make sense? I can see that. Yeah, me too. I think I do the same thing. I blank it out. I'd be like, oh no, it smells like Teen Spirit again.
What the fuck? So anyhow. I hear a song on the radio for the fifth or sixth time in an eight hour period. Yeah, I tune it out.
Oh yeah. Rock radio. That's what it is anymore. Yeah. Okay. The number one song.
And this is weird because I did not expect this to be on there. But this is how much guitarists have advanced over the years and how much better they are precise.
Crazy Train by Ozzy. Randy Rhoades famous, you know, lick there that like spreads your hand out like it's going to break.
And anyhow, those are number one. But that just shows you how much better the guitarists are today.
Next one can't stop by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. And that was it. I mean, for foreign, a newer guitar player that is like pretty.
I would say in depth, a little bit complex, a little bit. You have to have quite a bit of rhythm and you got to have a good dexterity on your fingers to get that one.
Yeah, I would think so. Yeah. I mean, it involves some lower notes and then coming up a little bit higher, lower.
Yeah. Or higher notes and then coming up a little lower. You have to be on that fretboard pretty good to play that.
So they're pretty good when they play that. So. Okay. Next one is Seven Nation Army by the White Stripes.
And, you know, there's so much bass in that song, right? I don't know how they even tell. You know, it goes, don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't.
You know, I don't know how you can even tell because all that backing is just like some sort of what an E chord maybe.
Nothing special. I don't even know if I could recognize it by itself. Someone just playing it there with an amp and a guitar. So anyhow, this next one is not going to surprise you, Rob or me.
Iron Man by, of course, Black Sabbath. Tony O. Yeah. Yeah. That one is.
It's pretty generic. I mean, you got to have a little bit of a little bit of dexterity and rhythm to come up with that. I mean, don't get me wrong. It's not just like, I don't know, the scale.
It's it's got a little trick to it. It's good. So next one. I have no idea. This song. And I don't you probably don't either. Psycho by Muse.
Any idea, Rob? I don't have a clue. I don't have a clue. Me either. OK. Anyhow, if you know what that is, you're probably young.
OK. And finally, and this one I know because it's pretty simplistic rhythm. Very catchy.
Very good song. Smells like Teen Spirit by Nirvana. Those are the top songs. Yeah, I knew that one would be in there. I do too.
And it's actually it's a great riff. I mean, it's very catchy. It's not that hard to do. It's simple.
And I'm not calling Kurt Cobain a horrible guitarist or nothing. He had a lot of feeling in what he did, of course.
So anyhow, I could see that. I see people coming in there and doing that. So that was a list of the guitarist, the guitar songs that if you walk into a guitar shop,
most of the people that have been working there for a while can't hear anymore because they played it so often. So, Rob, we turn to you.
Well, shit, Rob just cut out. He should be calling back here really soon. I hope so, unless his phone died.
Well, shit, maybe I should call him. Huh, guys? Let me see here. All right. I'm going to sit here and I'm going to make fart noises till Rob answers.
I don't know what the hell happened. Okay. Well, I saved the show. I think I dropped the call. I want you to know I saved the show by making fart noises.
Good. Good. Good. Okay. You're welcome. All right, Rob, we turn to you.
All right. The Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources shared a photo of a sturgeon that traveled the longest known distance on record.
The Missouri Department of Conservation encountered a sturgeon with a Floyd tag. A Floyd tag is used on fish to track them and manage wildlife.
The sturgeon was found in the Mississippi River near Alton, Illinois. Alton, Illinois is just across the river from St. Louis, Missouri.
Yep. You don't want to stop there. You keep going. Yeah. Yeah. Anyhow, go.
When they found the fish and the tag, they contacted the Wisconsin DNR to share the exciting find. This fish swam a long way down river.
The fish was originally tracked on the Chippewa River. The Wisconsin DNR calculated the distance and figured out that the fish swam at least 651 miles.
That's insane if you think about it. That's the longest known distance a Chippewa River Lake sturgeon has traveled.
Wow. Yeah. Wow. That's insane. That's a long way for a fish.
I mean, you know that, okay, down there, it's like mud water, right? All the farmland.
Yeah. It came down from Wisconsin. Yeah. A lot of farmland down through there.
You know that the food that it eats has to change, right? Because there's different, you know. Right.
That's interesting that he was able to come down there and survive. I wonder if there's more sturgeon around there now because of climate change or whatever you want to call it.
Or maybe they're getting bored up in Wisconsin. I don't know. But I would say there's probably more, wouldn't you?
Yeah, I would. They may not be very good. If one made it, there's going to be more. Yes.
So anyhow, what an interesting story. Thank you, Rob.
Okay. I got an announcement to make and I sent you the text yesterday. Montrose was hit by a tornado yesterday. No kidding.
Yes. I heard. I heard. Yeah. It did a little bit of damage. So I'm sure the next email will contain some information about that. No one was hurt.
I hope so. It tore down like a barn structure and maybe a couple of trees or something.
But our friends in Montrose had a tornado hit them yesterday.
And then now our friends down in Lynn Valley over there near Lecine, they got hit by one a little bit ago. Oh, did they?
Yeah. And then yesterday, Omaha, Iowa just got destroyed by tornadoes. I mean, just all over the place.
So anyhow, everybody just say a prayer for them or whatever you do. You know, happy face, whatever.
So anyhow, there's a lot of people displaced. Some people injured, some people killed. But Montrose was hit, but everybody seems to be okay.
I think our campground is okay, but I want them to clarify, you know, in the Civil War reenactment that they want you and me to participate in.
We got to make sure that that's still on. So anyhow, Montrose, our thoughts and prayers are with you through this devastating time, even though it did barely any damage.
Okay. Hey, for that area, that's a lot of damage. You know what one structure when there's seven in town, a seventh of their town was wiped out by a tornado.
Right. Come on. A seventh of their town. Come on, people. That should go for a national emergency. I think so, too.
If you have any heart in you at all, you're going to go down there and you're going to volunteer. Bring down a bottle of water, things to charge people's phones in,
because I'm sure there's no power and their batteries have been drained on their phones. Maybe some food. Okay.
I understand they like fried chicken, right? That's one of them. Yeah. What else do they like? Oranges. They love oranges in Montrose.
Yeah, they definitely mentioned that before. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think Tootsie World Pops, they need those. And let's see, what else?
Potato salad. They love potato salad in Montrose, right? Oh, and don't forget zingers. Any flavor. Zingers. Any flavor. Thank you, Rob.
So anyhow, if you have a heart in the world, just think of our good friends in Montrose and their devastation.
A one-seventh of their town was wiped out by a mean, nasty tornado. An EF-50, I believe, right? They never had an EF-50 before. Yeah, it's like 10 miles wide.
Seven thousand mile winds. It's just crazy. Just crazy. So anyhow, these right here, what I'm getting ready to tell you, are the top four hotel no-nos.
This is stuff that you do not do. So, all right. Number one, make sure the hotel is not on the bedbug registry. Look it up. No kidding.
And I love that idea. Very good point. You look at a database, kind of like a pedophile or something, you look at a database and you look on it and go, oh shit.
That's on there. Okay. You get the price line. Okay. Can I cancel it? And then you get another hotel.
Or better yet, before you book the hotel, look it up on the registry and make sure that it's not in the bedbug registry.
Because that means that they've been treated for bedbugs, which means they could still be there because they're really hard to get rid of.
So, the next thing they say, do not handle the remote unless you dose it with an antibacterial cleaner or like I do in a hotel.
I can tech, well, most hotels have this. Most of the TVs are newer and Bluetooth compatible.
I go for whatever app. If it's a Sanyo, I go for the Sanyo app. If it's Sharp, I go for the Sharp app.
And then you just connect it with your own phone and you don't have to touch those nasty, cruddy ones that they have there.
Because you know, there's all kinds of shit on there. Right?
Probably fecal matter because most hotels, you can see the TV in the mirror that's placed just outside the bathroom.
I could see someone taking a dump with their remote, getting fecal on it, jizz, everything.
So, you know, at least clean the remote off really good if you're going to do that.
Do not use the soaps and shampoos. They're loaded with perfumes and ingredients to make smell great, but are very low quality and not good for hair or skin.
And that's 100% true. I'll tell you what, I've ran out of my regular shampoo and my body wash before and I left the hotel itchy.
My hair was like kind of matted up because it was really low quality stuff.
And so, yeah, I think that's 100% correct. So watch that.
Then next, it says, and this does work, but it doesn't always because sometimes there's no one near you.
Or sometimes people just want to be left alone. They don't want to make eye contact. They just want to go in there and go to sleep.
But it says here, try to catch your neighbor if one is next to you and say hello.
This makes people calmer and at ease. And I believe that, yes.
But also, there's people that don't want to be screwed with. Wouldn't you agree?
There's people that have been on the long road trip. That is true.
Or maybe they got to go see their great aunt off to the great beyond and they're halfway there of a nine hour trip and they're really tired and they're sad and they just don't want to look at anybody.
So I think, yes, you got to read the room per se. You got to look over there.
If that person looks like they're acceptable, say hi. How are you doing? But if not, leave them alone. Don't try to force it. Wouldn't you say that?
Yeah.
Alright, Rob, we turn to you for the next story.
Okay, well, I came up with another one of my lists and I'm going to split up into different nights because there's so many of them.
Can I give you an applause?
Sure.
Yay! I love your list.
This one's a little different.
Okay.
We'll see how it goes.
Shakespearean insults to take down your enemies and crack up your friends.
This is going to be good, people. If you're not familiar, this is going to be good. Go ahead.
What this is, it gives a line out of anything Shakespeare ever wrote and it gives which one to act in the scene, where to find it.
I love this. Just love it.
Okay, the first one. How now thou crusty batch of nature?
You can find that in Troleth and Crissata at five, scene one.
Go ahead, Rob, that was good.
The next one. I'll beat thee, but I would infect my hands.
Timon of Athens at four, scene three.
Great.
Zineface is not worth sun burning.
Henry's effect at five, scene two.
Some of these are pretty good.
I love them.
Next, thou lump of foul deformity.
Richard the third, act one, scene two.
To me, that's my favorite.
That is just so...
thou lump of deformity.
Go ahead.
Thou subtle, prejured, false, disloyal man.
That's a good one, too.
The two gentlemen of Rona at four, scene two.
Wow, very cool.
Next, thou whoreson zed thou unnecessary letter.
King Lear at three, scene two.
That's a good one, too.
That place in this bunch back toad.
Richard the third, act one, scene three.
Zeldammed and luxurious mountain goat.
Henry the fifth, act four, scene four.
Awesome.
Thou elvish, marked, abortive, rooting hog.
What was that now?
Richard.
Thou elvish, marked, abortive, rooting hog.
Like it? Another good one?
That's from Richard the third, act one, scene three.
And the final one for this evening.
Thou sudden-witted lord.
Thou hast no brain that I have in mine elbows.
Charles and Crisata, act three, scene four.
In my elbows.
That's beautiful.
I love the-
Me too, Rob. Those are fucking awesome, man.
Alrighty, and there's so many of them, too.
I mean, there's like thousands of them people come up with.
This is a list of 35.
And like I said, I just did the first 10 tonight.
We'll do more in other episodes.
I mean, evidently, Shakespeare was very quick-witted about insults.
Anyhow, let's take our second break.
And we'll be right back with some stuff.
That sound good?
Sound good.
Alrighty.
As much fun as an electric can opener to the scrotum, two deuce knives in a microphone.
Hello, this is Satan.
You might know me from my pet name, Inflation.
I'm here to tell you that there's no better way to relax than listening to two deuce bags in a microphone by a nice warm fire at night.
I sit there and I reflect on all the souls I burned that day.
Enjoy.
Next time you take a dump, listen to two deuce bags in a microphone.
It's been proven in laboratory rats to relax your anal canal.
Get in some.
A lot of podcasts just come from a can.
Here at Two Deuce Bags in the Microphone, we pour our own podcasts.
Have you ever wondered where something came from?
Have you ever looked at something and said, I wonder what the origin of that is?
Well, so have we.
That's why we give you the origin of.
The origin of Coca-Cola.
On May 8th, 1886, Dr. John Pemberton served the world's first Coca-Cola at Jacobs Pharmacy in Atlanta, Georgia.
The drink was served as a tonic for common ailments.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity.
I will roast you, but my mom told me to not burn trash.
Hi, all.
This is Chicago.
I am the most dangerous city in North America.
You can't touch me.
Oh, yeah?
This is Kansas City here.
Hold my beer, bitch.
And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark.
Man, I sure wish I was the garbage man.
You know what I could do if I was the garbage man?
I could go to the wrong parts of town on the wrong days periodically in the morning,
and then watch everybody run out of their house in their underwear with two bags of trash screaming, stop, halt.
Yeah, that's what I'd love to do.
Two douchebags and microphone on Mark.
And I am Rob.
All right.
Well, this morning was pretty cool.
I was getting ready to go to work, and all of a sudden I hear my mom screaming in the other room.
And I'm like, what the hell is going on?
So I go in there, and she is fucking just pissed, furious at her little pug.
Well, the pug kept jumping up right next to her and sitting next to her Otus.
And I guess he was farting all over her, Rob.
Earlier he'd done it to me when I was getting ready, but I had to leave him.
I'm like, oh my god, I don't know what the hell he got into.
But it smelled horrid.
I mean, it smelled like fried shit with Tabasco sauce and maybe some foot fungus and pus.
It was fucking horrible.
I was running around, and I'm like, what the hell is going on, mom?
She goes, Otus keeps farting on me, and he won't leave me alone.
And every time she'd push him off, he'd get his feelings hurt, and he'd come back and try to come over and make it up to her.
And Otus all the time, he's just farting.
Anyhow, it was classic, man.
It was classic.
So, anyhow, along those lines, we promised a new segment where we decode your cat.
Remember, Rob?
Yes, yes.
Okay.
Well, we got a...
Let me see here.
Let me find his name.
Luke.
We have Luke from West Plains, Missouri, that wants us to decode what his cat is saying.
So here it is.
Hey, human.
I'm pretty damn hungry.
So you best get to stepping and fetch me a plate of food, bitch.
I remind you, I have booty of you roughing up the witness.
No wonder your girlfriend says you have micropenis syndrome.
Your constant flocking of your junk has obviously stunted its growth.
Well, Luke, I think you better do what your cat says.
He kind of has you by the balls now, doesn't he, huh?
He's got a little bit of material.
Yeah, I would say so.
Yeah, yeah.
Do whatever he says, Luke, because he's got the skinny on you, man.
I mean, he could send it to your bosses, whoever.
And sorry...
I think he's got you on there, somebody.
He does.
And also, I'm sorry for what your girlfriend said about your penis, okay?
I mean, look, shrug it off.
Not everybody thinks...
Yeah.
There'll be a woman out there that does not think you're small like that, okay?
You just got to find her, right?
Right.
So keep your chin up, Luke.
It'll be okay.
I'm sorry about your cat being such an asshole, but he's kind of got you, okay?
So do what he says.
Alrighty, Rob, we turn to you.
Alrighty.
I found another off the wall one.
Okay.
A former NFL player is heading to prison at 84 years of age.
Former New York Giants player Cly Hall has been sentenced to five years in prison.
He's been charged with narcotics distribution after getting arrested in Manhattan.
Wow.
The ex-New York Giants player was arrested for allegedly selling drugs outside of his apartment.
Hall was previously released from prison due to his old age.
However, he didn't stay out very long.
The former NFL player will be spending his golden years behind bars.
Wow.
Yeah, 84 years old.
All I got to say is CTE is no joke.
That's the brain disorder from getting your head bashed in.
I'm going to go ahead and chalk that up to that.
What do you think, Rob?
I'm hoping that's how old he is, but wow.
I'm going to get on the benefit of the doubt.
I mean, he could have been doing it for a long time and just never got caught.
I don't know.
So wow.
Awful late in life to be going to the poke, don't you think?
Yeah, and he had just got out of prison.
Oh, okay.
Okay, fuck it.
Yeah, they had just let him out because of old age, and then he turned around and got
busted for selling drugs outside of his apartment.
You know what?
At 84 years old.
Okay, forget it.
Yeah.
He deserved what he got.
Yeah, that's more than what you deserve.
Yeah, I thought that this was the first time he got in trouble.
I don't know that he just got out for it.
Okay, you know what?
Yeah, he... Okay, good.
I'm glad he's going to be locked up then.
Okay.
I have some words here and phrases in the origin and where they came from.
I could have done this on our origin series, but I'm trying to keep that in products and
stuff like that, like the Big Mac sauce, Dr. Pepper, socks, stuff like that.
So, anyhow, you wonder where the phrase diehard came from?
Yeah.
Besides the movie?
All right.
While it typically refers to someone with a strong dedication to a particular set of
beliefs, the term diehard originally had a series of much more literal meanings in its
earliest incarnation in the 1700s.
The expression described condemned men who struggled the longest when they were executed
by hanging.
Oh, wow.
Oh, man, as soon as they're batting about, we got us a diehard here.
The phrase later became even more popular after 1811's Battle of Albuera during the
Napoleonic Wars.
In the midst of the fight, a wounded British officer named William Inglis supposedly urged
his unit forward by bellowing, stand your ground and die hard.
Like the enemy paid dear for each of us, Inglis 57th Regiment suffered 75% casualties during
the battle and went on to earn the nickname the diehards.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
Well, you know what?
I mean, you stand there and refuse to give and retreat.
That's probably going to happen, right?
Yeah, I would say so.
Yeah.
White elephant.
You ever hear of white elephant gifts and stuff like that, right?
Yes.
Yeah.
Okay.
Well, white elephant is a pretty common phrase.
I mean, I think it still is.
I don't know if the Xeners and the Alphas and the Millennials like it, but we know what
it is.
Us and boomers.
So, anyhow, white elephants were once...
Man, that storm front brought in so much pollen.
I'm just...
Sorry, I apologize.
Okay.
So, white elephants were once considered highly sacred creatures in Thailand.
The animal even graced the national flag until 1917, but they were also wielded as a subtle
form of punishment.
According to legend, in an underling of rival, angered, Asaimi's king, the royals might present
the unfortunate man with a gift of a white elephant.
While, obstinately, a reward, the creatures were tremendously expensive to feed and house,
and caring for one often drove the recipient into financial ruin.
Whether any specific royals actually bestowed such a passive-aggressive gift is uncertain,
but the term has since come to refer to any burdensome possession as white elephant.
So there you go.
So that's how come if you get a white elephant gift, they're gag gifts, right?
So that would be why.
You ever hear the phrase, paint the town red?
Yeah.
Okay.
I always thought it was something like this.
They talk about, hey, do you paint ceilings?
Okay, that was a mob term for blowing someone's head off.
There's red all over the wall on the ceiling.
I thought it was like that, but it's not really.
The phrase, paint the town red, mostly owes its origin to one legendary night of drunkenness.
In 1837, Marquise Waterford, a known lush and mischief maker, led a group of friends
on a night of drinking through the English town of Melton-Mobye.
The bartender culminated in vandalism after Waterford and his fellow revelers knocked
over flowerpots, pulled the knockers off the doors, and broke the windows of some town's
buildings.
To top it off, the mob literally painted a toll gate.
The doors of several homes and a swan statue and red paint, the Marquise and the pranksters
later compensated Melton for the damages, but their drunken escapade is likely the reason
that paint the town red became shortage for a wild night out.
Until yet, another theory suggests the phrase was actually born out of the brothels of the
American West, and referred to men behaving as though their whole town was a red light
district.
I can see that one, too.
Yeah?
Yeah, you come riding in on a horse after six months of riding on a horse, you want
to go get a little relief in, right?
Yeah, you do.
Yeah, so there you go.
All right.
Read the Riot Act.
This is one I still hear quite a bit today.
These days, angry parents might threaten to read the Riot Act to the unruly children,
but in the 18th century England, the Riot Act was a very real document, and it often
recited aloud to angry mobs.
Instituted in 1715, the Riot Act gave the British government the authority to label
any group of more than 12 people a threat to peace.
In these circumstances, a public official would read a small portion of the Riot Act
in order for the people to dispense themselves and peacefully depart to their habitations.
Anyone that remained after one hour was subject to arrest or removal by force.
The law was later put into a test in 1819 during the infamous Peterloo Massacre, in
which a cavalry unit attacked a large group of protesters after they appeared to ignore
a reading of the Riot Act.
I didn't expect that one, did you?
No, I did not.
That was pretty interesting.
Okay.
Next.
Crocodile tears.
All right.
Okay, this will be interesting.
I haven't read this one, so I don't know.
Modern English speakers use the phrase crocodile tears to describe a display of superficial
or false sorrow, but the saying actually derives from a medieval belief that crocodiles shed
tears of sadness while they kill and consume their prey.
The myth dates back as far as the 14th century and comes from a book called The Travels of
Sir John Manville.
While it's popular in its release, it's a recount of the brave knight's adventures
during his supposed travels through Asia.
Among its many fabrications, the book includes a description of crocodiles that notes, these
serpents slay men and leave weeping, and they have no tongue, while factually inaccurate,
Manville's account of weeping reptiles later found its way into the works of Shakespeare
and crocodile tears, what you were saying earlier, right?
Right.
This is right.
It worked its way into Shakespeare.
It became an idiom as early as the 18th century, so it's been around a while.
And then this one I've always wondered about because I don't get the correlation.
Resting on laurels.
You've heard that right?
Yeah, I've heard it, but I've never known where it came from.
All right.
The idea of resting on your laurels dates back to leaders of athletic stars of ancient
Greece and Hellenic times.
Laurel leaves were closely tied to Apollo, the god leaves, and the plant eventually became
a symbol of statues and achievement.
Victorious athletes at the ancient Python games received wreaths made of laurel branches,
and Romans later adopted the practice and presented wreaths to generals who won important
battles.
Vulnerable Greeks and Romans, or laurelites, laurelites, were thus able to rest on their
laurels.
By basking in the glory of past achievements, only later the phrase took on a negative connotation,
and since the 1800s it has been used for those who are overly satisfied with past triumphs.
So that's your Uncle Rico, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Back in 19th-dickety-two, I threw seven touchdowns and one quarter resting on your laurels.
So Rob, I turn to you.
That is interesting though.
It is.
That is interesting.
I had no idea that it came from that area at that time.
It just doesn't sound like something ancient Greece would come up with, does it?
No.
All right, Rob, we turn to you.
All righty.
I've got one of your favorites.
American songwriter?
Yes, I do.
Okay, hang on.
All right.
Okay, group 10 nights.
What five classic rock songs for baby making?
Just for the record, I have my wiener out.
Well, five classic rock songs for baby making.
Funny you said that.
Wiener's back in.
Go ahead.
Okay, first up we have Kiss by Prince.
If there's one rock artist who understands the language of love, it's the purple one
himself.
That's right.
Prince was seemingly always writing about lure, affection, and plain old animal attraction.
And in this 1986 hit single, he brings all of those traits to one post-lipped offering.
His voice in that is so... I don't know how he could have done it live.
I've never heard him do it live.
But do, have, be, reach.
I mean, he just... The high notes that he hits and he keeps his voice at that level,
insane.
He's a talented, what a talented guy, very underrated guitarist too.
Yes, he was.
Extremely underrated.
That guy was fantastic on guitar.
And I don't think most people even realize it, but...
No.
Okay, next up, Crazy On You by Heart.
This 1970s song from the Seattle born sister rock band Heart is all about carnal passion.
It's about the desire, circumstances of the world outside your door, pushing you to focus
deep on your romantic partner and explore all your explosive feelings.
Wow.
And let's face it, what a classic song, isn't it?
Yes, it is.
The way that Ann sings while Nancy hits those lower notes or those lower chords on guitar,
it's just perfect.
I mean, it's a masterpiece.
And then she goes higher and then the guitar follows her.
I mean, it's just a really good song with a lot of feeling.
So anyhow.
Right.
Okay, next up, The Look of Love by Dusty Springfield.
I didn't see that one coming.
Written by the acclaimed songwriting duo of Orc Baccarat and Hal David, it was the British
born Dusty Springfield that made this alluring song famous.
Released on the 1967 soundtrack for the James Bond film, The Sino Royal, this is a titillating
track that gets the hiz on the back of your neck standing at attention.
Okay, cool.
I can see it.
It kind of surprised me that that was on there.
Yeah, yeah.
That one shocked me too.
I can think of others that they...
Kissing crazy on you.
Yeah, I see that.
You know, okay, go ahead.
I mean, this is just...
It's all opinion.
Yeah, yeah.
This next one, I see it.
Foxy Lady by Jimi Hendrix.
Yeah, Foxy.
Only a few words from Jimi Hendrix' mouth and you know what this song is about, lust.
How about the way he says it?
At least it...
Go ahead.
Yeah, go ahead.
He goes, ooo, Foxy Lady.
And then he just goes off on the guitar and doo-doo, it's great.
Anyhow, sorry.
Yeah, yeah.
And finally, Whole Lotta Love by Led Zeppelin.
Mm-hmm.
Outside of plants, Led Zeppelin showcases the power of the pelvis, perhaps better than
anyone.
Released in 1969, this song from the band is a whale of passion from Jimi Tate's guitar
to Robert Plant's singular voice.
Well, I agree.
The notes that he hits with his voice, you know, way down inside.
I mean, it's just woman, you need me.
And then he just like just belts out these incredible notes that are like almost a passion
and pain put together.
Beautiful song.
I mean, yeah, yeah, lustful, but yeah, I mean, just, I mean, one of the best songs, just
really.
Wow.
Bob, that was excellent.
Yeah.
All righty.
Do you know that, you know cicadas, right?
They're really bad this year?
Yep, yep.
It's like one of those 14, 16 year bullshit stuff that they always come up with every
other year.
And it's like, how can every other year be the 16th year of the cicadas or whatever,
right?
Remember hearing that here?
Oh, this is the seventh year after the 16th year.
This means cicadas are going to be horrible everywhere.
I keep hearing that, but I guess this time it's true.
Cicadas are making so much noise that residents are calling the police in South Carolina.
Huh.
Not kidding.
All right.
The Newbury County Sheriff's Office posted a message on Facebook on Tuesday, letting
people know that whining sound is just the male cicadas singing to attract mates after
more than a decade of being dormant.
Some people have even flagged down deputies to ask what the hell the noise is.
And Newbury County Sheriff Les Factor said, the noisiest cicadas were moving around the
century of about 38,000 people, county, not century.
Sorry, I need my glasses on it and the new ones that I left in the other room again.
So anyhow, the county of about 38,000 people about 40 miles Northwest of Columbia, prompting
calls from different locations as Tuesday wore on, Foster said.
Their collective songs can be as loud as jet engines and scientists who study them often
wear earmuffs to protect their hearing.
Isn't that crazy?
Yeah, that is.
Yeah, a jet airplane, they're that damn loud.
That's crazy.
You would never think cicadas could be that loud.
Interners have celebrated Jell-O and its forms for generations.
Certainly the 130 years the company's name has become synonymous with gelatin based salads,
pies and molds.
We still adorn our holiday tables with retro gelatin salads of all shapes, colors and sizes.
Layered lemon cherry lime Jell-O salad for one, shows up at many Easter celebrations
as does nanny's lemon lime gelatin mold.
Occasionally with cottage cheese.
Never saw that.
Never, never thought that looked good to you.
No, no.
For the gravy texture with warmer weather and porch picnics, the present guests with
Jell-O pie and strawberry pretzel salad, both nostalgic, crowd pleasing concoctions, you
might say in the least.
Jell-O had some big news last year.
Unveiling a facelift on their logo for the first time in a decade.
And it wasn't that dramatic, Rob.
It took me a while to look at it and go, okay, I guess it is a little different.
So anyhow, I thought it was like a big nothing.
Now with a recent announcement, they're adding to the list of firsts.
Jell-O is releasing two brand new refrigerated ready to eat pudding flavors, including the
brand's first ever fruit pudding cup in its history.
N, now this does sound good, Rob, and you tell me what you think.
Jell-O churro delic-o-so-so.
Deli-co-so.
Does that sound good?
Churros?
Yeah, churros sounds good.
Yeah, Jell-O churro delic-o-cio.
N, Jell-O mango sem-bros-o.
Jell-O mango sem-bros-o.
I did okay without my glasses, I guess, on that one.
Yeah.
So either one of them sound pretty worthy to me.
What do you think?
Yeah, I would look into either one of those, I think.
Yeah.
All right.
Well, I think we're going to wrap this bitch up and put a bow on it.
What do you think, Rob?
Yeah, and say a prayer for me because just to inform you, Shannon has already vowed to
turn me into a Swifty.
Oh, no.
Yeah.
Hi, Opal.
Hi, Grandma.
Hi, Grandma Opal.
Hi, Jimmy.
Love you guys.
Dodge, say hi, Rob.
Hi, Grandma.
Hi, Jimmy.
And what was the other guy's name?
Mountain Dodge?
Rick.
Ricky, was it?
Ricky.
Yeah.
Okay.
So, we got some of the rain we got.
We got about three, four inches in about two hours without all those pesky tornadoes.
So I hope you guys got some rain because Jimmy did explain on an email that it's been pretty
dry there.
All the big storms have been missing them.
So they've been missing us too, but this time they got us dead center.
So anyhow, I mean, it's all runoff, but hey, next time I won't even know it rained because
that's what rains this fast do.
I mean, they fill up the reservoirs, but they don't sink into the ground.
So anyhow, and that's what they call, if it keeps doing that, they call it a wet weather
drought.
And I'm not kidding.
A wet weather drought is when you get every rain you get is so hard and fast.
It's a downpour.
It runs off and does not soak into the ground.
So if you didn't know that, today you learned something and you learned it on two douche
bags and microphone.
And I'll say a prayer for you if you needed us to know that.
So anyhow, everybody, thank you for joining us again.
Have a fantastic evening.
Have a good night, everybody.
Night assholes.
Good night, assholes.
Oh no, looks like the show's over kids.
Mark has explosive diarrhea and can't afford a wireless mic.
Fear not, assholes.
They'll be back invading your ear holes soon.