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Hi all, this is Chicago. I am the most dangerous city in North America. You can't touch me.
Oh yeah? This is Kansas City here. Hold my beer, bitch.
Have you ever wondered what something is about? Have you ever looked at something and said,
I wonder what the origin of that is? Well so have we. That's why we give you The Origin of...
This is the origin of beer. The first beer in the world was brewed by the ancient Chinese around the year 7000 BC.
It is known there as Kui. In the West, however, the process was recognized as beer brewing began in the Mesopotamia at the Gadan Tempest settlement
now in modern day Iran between 3500 and 3100 BC.
It's not entirely clear whether he had a light version or even a craft beer version of this. Just saying.
Swimming in toxic masculinity and wiping their ass with politically correct washrags.
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Now it's time for Pick Up Lines from a Loser.
Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk by again?
Womp womp womp womp.
Two Deucebags and a Microphone says,
You ever dream about eating chocolate pudding and wake up with a spoon in your ass?
Just asking.
Two Deucebags and a Microphone, I'm Mark.
And I am Rob.
Thank you for joining us tonight. Well, you guys will hear this in a couple of days of course because we don't have the ability to go live right now.
I'm not saying we won't eventually because I have some ideas and some ideas on how to get there.
So, today a very sad event happened. I think we knew it was going to happen but probably not as soon as it did.
And that is a long time veteran of Kansas City radio, Slacker, passed away from complications of some type of leukemia, was it?
Yeah, it was a type of leukemia.
It was a type of leukemia and it escapes me the name now but it's really bad stuff.
And I don't think, they knew it was terminal, yes.
I've had enough people that wrote some stuff down on the internet that was saying, yes, it's terminal, respect his privacy and all that.
But I don't think they expected him to go this quick.
And like I said, the good old complications to cancer,
what they're talking about is the chemotherapy probably killed him, is what it is. Allergic reaction or just his body couldn't handle it.
Heart attack, caught a very bad cold, COVID, something happened.
And I don't think they expected him to go this quick.
But before he did go, he left a very nice tribute, an hour long tribute that they played on 101 the Fox.
And today, all day, they've had numerous people that worked with him over the years call in and talk about some of their favorite times with him.
And anyhow, this is kind of a tribute to Slacker. I know we're just a little bitty podcast and all that.
But we are both very privy and know of Slacker's work and respect him a great deal.
He was a good guy by all accounts and he did a lot of good work.
I mean, you know, he was, let's see, October 1990, I believe is when he was hired into KY.
Yes, I believe it was it was KY one of two at the time. Then they eventually, you know, they they were sold.
And then the KYS call letters are still, I guess, part of the audacity still owns it, I think.
So, yeah, but some station is St. Joseph, Missouri is actually using will decal and the KY one of two logo because those are not, you know, those are not property of anybody that I know of.
So anyhow, any worker till January 2008, and then he went to Fox January 2008 till the present and he just retired.
So and this was because of leukemia. So but I think what people don't realize is, is I think there might have been a person in between it.
When when Slacker went to go do a morning show on one of the Fox, it was at a weird time.
Fox, Fox just tried to put in a nationally syndicated show, Bob and Tom, because KY was doing remember the morning sickness that they did.
You know, they called it sickness and Max looked like he had a baby and all, you know, and it was like really getting the shock radio kind of launchy stuff.
Man Cal was in town. Johnny there had it turned up and was doing all different types of stunts.
He had Tard, you know, and all this stuff was going on.
So what do I want to Fox said, hey, we're going to get our form of shock radio or whatever shock jock stuff. And that's Bob and Tom.
And that would be like the classic rock answer to to what was going on all up and down the dial at the time.
Well, it didn't work. They lost all the ratings they had in the morning.
They went from like maybe if I remember correctly, is like a five share to like a one point one.
Nobody liked Bob and Tom. And the reason was because it's the exact same humor that Max Tanner Tanner and Moffat was doing.
And Slacker was part of that whole thing, that whole collage.
OK, so what they did actually backfire.
And then the Fox kind of learned a lesson. This is the way I see it happening. And I think I'm correct.
OK, so the Fox tried their hand at this shock jock radio stuff and it didn't work.
So then they had to figure out what would work.
What would work was a lesser morning show and more music and chiefs oriented, because at the time they were the flagship station for the Kansas City Chiefs.
So when Slacker came in, he had quite a job to do and the job that he did, he did it great.
And I can't remember if they went to number one or if they're a number three or two or whatever.
I think maybe Johnny Dare might have been number one or maybe they switched back and forth according to the month or whatever, the trends and all that.
So anyhow, what he figured out and what the 101 the Fox did, they did it masterfully is you want a lesser morning show, not as much talk.
You want more music. You want a lot more music and you want it to be sports themed.
You want it to be you want it to be tempered around the Kansas City Chiefs, which are the hot item in town.
And they were the flagship station. So what Slacker would do, it was really quite brilliant.
It didn't look like that much, but it was really quite brilliant was is he would come up with a chief song in the week.
You have people call in and talk about the game. And he was just kind of like your buddy.
He was like the guy down there on the porch.
We go down there and go, man, what do you think of that game, man?
You know, fucking man, Alex Smith. I don't know, man.
You know, do that one interception. But then that next pass was a beauty for the touchdown.
Tariq took, you know, so he was kind of like the guy down the road on his porch.
And people walk by and go, hey, Mr. Williams. Hey, how's it going?
You know, he come out to his fence and go, hey, you see that game last night?
He was kind of that kind of a guy. And this worked.
This worked for that audience because everybody was going away from the other stuff.
The people wanted to listen to Max Tanner and Moffitt were doing that.
And the people didn't want that much stuff in the morning and just wanted music and a little light, ha ha and some like talk about football.
That's what they did. And it worked very well. And he had that job for 20 years.
And he did that until he was diagnosed with leukemia. And then, of course, he, you know, he went on FMLA.
And then when he came back, he went to afternoons, probably because it was so hard on his body to get up in the mornings.
So he went straight to afternoons and he did a good show in the afternoons, too.
Actually, if you ask me, I think he was better in the afternoons.
And he was like I said, he had great ratings in the morning.
But I enjoyed him in the afternoons because he had a lot of good subjects that he brought up.
He had some little puns and I thought it was really good.
So anyhow, rest in peace, slacker. You know, you know, it's just it's sad.
What do you say, Rob? Yes, go ahead. Very sad.
Yeah. His tribute was very emotional.
What he did was he recorded an hour of music and him talking to his fans.
And it was so real that this guy knew he was dying.
But he still he still had the fans.
He had the fans in his mind.
And it seemed to me almost like he was more worried about the fans than his own health.
So God bless you, slacker.
Rob, go ahead. I don't know what else I can say.
There really is not much you could say.
Living in Kansas City most of my life and you've lived there most of your life.
That's the man we grew up listening to the last few years.
He was great at what he did.
He was great in that profession.
That's all you can say about it.
He did some little one off stuff.
Well, not one off, but little specialty shows that I remember from K.Y.
Like remember the Doug and Slacker Love Beer show? Yes.
I love that. That was fantastic.
He did he did little stuff like that, you know.
Anyhow, you know, he was Kansas City and we're going to miss a great deal.
And, you know, God bless you, man.
You know, slacker, I hope you're in the great beyond doing well.
Kansas City is a different town without you.
And I'm glad we got to know you.
Oh, by the way, his time with K.Y.
Yes.
Includes switching over to 99.7.
Yeah, yeah.
And there was a little bit of time in between too.
And I don't know if they all were employed.
I remember they took Max to keep him employed.
They put him on 710 Talk Radio, which they owned at the time.
You remember that? Yeah.
Yeah. And they're like, Max, here's your show.
Just stay there for right now, because I think it was at the time it was Intercom.
I think Intercom bought K.Y. and everything.
And then they changed the signal to 99.7 K.Y. and started it up again.
And it did very well for many years, but Kansas City simply is not a big enough town to support two classic rock stations.
And K.Y. had a lot of top heavy stuff.
They had the famous DJs.
You know, they had Skid Rody.
They had Max Floyd.
They had Tanner.
They had Moffat.
You know, they had all of these people that they were paying good salaries to.
For 101, the Fox wasn't paying all that huge absorbent amount of money for it.
And this is not a knock on any of the DJs.
They deserved every penny they got because they earned it in ratings and actually being good people.
But K.Y. was kind of in a bad spot.
And 101 used different DJs and used ones that were good enough.
And they went to a more music format.
And K.Y. was still like the call up and they give you shit and you give them shit and say a little pun.
And though we're on the radio, 101 and the Fox are just like, hey, we're just playing music over here.
And that's why Bob and Tom failed so miserably, too.
And also, Bob and Tom failed because everybody knew that humor because that was Max Tanner and Moffat's humor.
And the thing is, it's kind of like the chicken or the egg.
Did Bob and Tom get that stuff from them or did they get it from Bob and Tom?
Or was it one of these things where everybody just thought that's their thought process at the time?
Nobody really knows. But that kind of humor was already locked down on K.Y.
And then, you know, and then after that, you know, 101 figured out the formula was slacker and they did excellent ever since.
And now there's no more K.Y.
And unless you believe that station is St. Joe's K.Y.
You know, but that's a whole different subject.
They may be a name, but anyhow.
So anyhow, I have we're going to do you have anything more you want to say about slacker?
No, that's about all that can be said.
OK. All right. Well, slacker, we love you. Rest in peace.
We're glad we got to know you.
Yeah, we're glad we got to know you.
My car.
Well, OK, the first the first rental that I had to do ran out.
And anyhow, so they approved the work to be done on the back end because it was mechanical failure.
OK, the the bumper to bumper warranty company, which is great.
OK, so now the the dealer is saying they can't get the parts in.
They said the last time they got rear end parts like that, one time it took two weeks, another time it took three months.
Well, yes. So anyhow, they gave me a loaner.
OK, now this is funny on its own. You know what kind of loaner they gave me, Rob?
What?
A souped up Dodge Challenger.
Are you kidding me?
No, I'm not kidding you. I'll send you the pictures. It's white and it's beautiful.
You know what I did when I took out on one hundred and third there?
I almost spun it around. I wasn't used to that power.
I took and fishtailed it and went, and then I see him after I corrected it.
I look back, they're all looking out the back bay going, oh, fuck, we're never getting this car back.
I did almost lost control, almost ended up in Indian Creek, dude. I'm not kidding you.
I wasn't used to it. I didn't expect a whiplash like that. I didn't expect it to fishtail almost all the way around,
doing a donut in the middle of a busy road.
But yeah, I almost didn't get to have that car because I was a stupid ass.
But I straightened it out and I've been behaving ever since.
Except one time on 150 Highway, I was like, man, I have so much pedal to go and I'm going 80.
Well, Rob, you know, I got it to three quarters of the way and I was going about 160.
And I'm sure because of, well, you know what? I don't know for sure because the speedometer didn't go that high.
But I'll tell you what, I was going faster than I ever have been in a car and I still have plenty of pedal left.
It was unreal.
So anyhow, well, however many 120, 40, 60, whatever the hell it was, it was fast.
And I have plenty of pedal left and I couldn't believe it. And the sound, oh my God.
So anyhow, after that, I went back down to 60 mile an hour and I've behaved ever since.
I don't know if they continue behaving in it because that's the type of car that could get you in a lot of trouble.
So.
You've got some little puffballs up next to you.
Oh, well, I've already had that happen. A Mustang coming through.
Yeah, Mustang come up fucking with me.
Yeah.
And I'm like, fuck, dude, get away from me. I'm trying to behave.
I don't want to. I don't want to destroy this.
You know, I mean, it'll be on me, my insurance and everything.
He come up, he in. I'm like, oh, you son of a bitch.
So anyhow, I gave him the okay and I turned.
So he took out for nothing. I left on the other road just to get away from him.
Yeah.
So anyhow, I should have said pink slip. And then when he came to get it, let's say we won, I would have said, hey, this is a loner.
You go talk to. I don't want to say their names.
You go talk to them. That's their car. You tell them that you want it. Let's see how well it goes.
Let's see how that goes for you.
So now the problem that I have is this right here.
They don't know how long it's going to take to get my to get my rear end parts in supposedly.
So I'm going to call around tomorrow, see if I can't find a place that does that can get him.
But this place says that they just can't get him, that they're just, you know, they're having a hard time getting him from wherever.
So we're going to see because my my contract on a rental runs out after five days.
They can extend it, but they also don't have to either.
I'm going to read through all the paperwork.
Val's going to read through it all and just see exactly what it says.
But I'm kind of in a predicament now because if it does go three months, what the hell am I going to do?
You know, so anyhow, that's what's going on with that.
But I had a little fun at Wal-Mart today.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
OK, well, OK, Wal-Mart is there. They like got everything arranged like weird in there.
They rearranged everything.
And it's all these self-checkout machines and plus about 20 regular regular checkout lines.
But like only one or two people working in them. I don't know why they have all them.
So I was forced to go to Wal-Mart.
Yeah, I was today. So I came up with a couple of tricks to make it more fun.
I am. I go to get some dog food and we're out of paper towels, too.
So I get there and I go through the security gate.
I'm trucking for the pet aisle. And like always, so many it has a whole lane blocked off.
That's why I'm armed with three small items that I just picked up on the way like warp remover, a Mickey Mouse watch and a can of sardines.
I've been doing this for a long time.
Whenever someone blocks the aisle and they always do a Walmart, I throw these items in there.
And it's always something like warp remover or feminine hygiene or something like that, especially if it's a dude.
And I'll throw it in there.
And then later on when they're checking out, you know, they either pull it out and people are looking at them and they act, you know, they say, oh, this isn't mine.
It was like, right, right. That general work remover. It isn't yours. Yeah.
So, hey, so anyhow.
Right now, I ever think of that. I'm going to start doing that now.
It's great. Just find the most weirdest items you can.
And if they have some items in there, because this guy had a folding chair.
He had a couple other things, some paper, some some computer paper, and I just threw it underneath there.
Well, he's over on the other aisle looking for cat food, I think.
And I threw it all under there. So he had no idea it was in there.
So he took it back to either self check out or the regular check out.
And he had to deal with that stuff there.
So so I quickly put in the car blocking the whole pedal while the inconsiderate assholes on the other aisle look at.
Oh, no, no. He's looking for hamster bedding.
I forgot I wrote this down. Yeah, he's looking for hamster bedding.
He's fucking pilfering through it. I'm like, what a loser.
I also moved the car sideways to block off 100 percent of the aisle just so other people will be even more pissed at at him. Right.
So you know how they kind of like just left it there and it's kind of cock eyed. Right.
It's still in your way. Yeah.
I took it 100 percent sideways so it blocked 100 percent of the aisle.
So, you know, maybe it might have started a fight.
So I go, what a fucking asshole. Why would you do this?
You know, and, you know, at the very least, he's probably slamming it to the side if nothing else and grumbling.
So who knows what happened there?
Second, my hate for self checkouts led me to this. Each station has a cordless scanner. Right.
OK, so you go to the first machine, you take that scanner, you scan the barcode on the machine next to it.
Then you take that machine and you scan the bar.
There's QR codes, right?
OK, when you scan that QR code, it assigns it to that machine.
So there's three machines near me and I got I got three of them today and I switched the scanners to the barcode.
So I took the scanner at my machine, took it two down, scanned that barcode and then I brought it back to my machine.
And then I switched the other two. You see what I mean?
So when someone would stand there, they would scan their items would go to the guy next to him or the guy next to him.
Do you see what I mean? Yeah. Yeah.
So anyhow, there's a there's a guy there and he's like he got a bag of Starbucks added to his bill.
He was pissed as hell. He didn't even start scanning.
All of a sudden it goes beep. It goes, what the hell?
And the lady next to him is buying Starbucks.
So he was pissed. So anyhow, I take it.
I go to the other machine because I know those three are rigged and act like I could figure it out or something.
So I go to the machine across the way and I'm checking my shit out.
And I hear all these people going, hey, I didn't buy any dog food.
And all of a sudden, they all hit the button light.
These people come from around the corner and everybody's all mixed up and they had to void everything.
It took them a long time to figure this shit out, too.
So anyhow, I'm like walking through there.
OK. And you know, at the end of Walmart, where it has this deal where it says, OK, would you like the would you like it like it to be emailed to you?
Your receipt. Would you like it in print? And then there's some other function I forgot.
So anyhow, I went for the print receipt. OK.
And I have it in my hand and they have the guy at the end at the exit checking your bags.
So I walked by and and I have their seat right in my hand.
And when I talked to him, he could see it. And he goes, can I see your seat?
I go, oh, I got an email to me. He looks at me funny.
And he lets me go very cautiously. But he knew I was lying to him, but he couldn't prove it.
He wasn't there. They're taught not to be confrontational.
So he couldn't accuse me of having that receipt. He could accuse me.
And then finally, he looks at it again. He looks at me again.
And I'm just sitting there, grim looking like, yeah, yeah, that's right. You fucking heard me.
I had an email to me. I don't have it. I didn't say that, but I'm just looking at real grim.
And he's very cautious. He goes, go ahead.
And I'm walking out smiling at him. I go, have a nice day.
And he grumbled something like, you too. He knew I was fucking with him.
But there's nothing he could do. And there's little tricks you can play on these fuckers.
Like, you know, they set it up to where you, in my opinion,
they set it up to where you pretty much have to go through self-checkout if you have a certain amount of items.
Because every item that's open is at 10 items or less or express lane.
So let's say you have 25 items. You can't do it.
Well, today there just weren't anyone over there except way down at the other end of the store.
So I was like, all right, you know what? I'm going to have a little fun while I'm here. And I did.
So anyhow, that has been my day so far.
You were in a mood today, weren't you?
Oh, I was snapping. I was snapping mad.
You know, and the whole thing, the challenger settled it down a little bit.
But man, this whole thing about getting your parts just irritates the fuck out of me.
And I took it out on some innocent people.
Because that's what you do, right?
Right.
Absolutely. Rob, we turn to you after my debauchery and weird shit.
It's your turn.
I have a little story here about Patrick Mahomes.
All right. The Patrick Mahomes?
Yes. The Mr. Patrick Mahomes.
Greatest football player ever, Patrick Mahomes?
Yes, sir.
All right. Go for it.
His resume today has been nothing short of sensational.
However, is Patrick Mahomes really where he wants to be?
Right here, right now?
Don't panic, cheese fans.
There's no suggestion that the two-time NFL MVP and three-time Super Bowl champion is leaving Kansas City.
And three-time MVP is Super Bowl II.
Yes.
Okay.
In fact, the opposite is true.
What a big, big twist.
I've talked to the Royals at Mahomes to show them Gregor at the time magazine.
And if I can maybe go out to a spring training, I'm not opposed to that.
I'll get it approved by the Chiefs and everything like that.
That's going to be one of these years I go out there and see what I got.
That would be cool.
See if I can still hit the ball or pitch or whatever that is.
Well, he was a pitcher and he's a really good pitcher.
Huh?
He was a pitcher and he's a really good pitcher.
He could have been drafted by Major League Baseball, but he opted to go to football.
Did you know that?
Yes, yes.
Okay.
All right.
Go ahead.
Maybe not in the games, but I can at least practice with them.
As for the Chiefs head coach, Andy Reidstops, well, I haven't even thought about that.
You're hitting me with a pretty big one right there.
He was a heck of a baseball player.
He grew up around it.
I'm sure he could play in the major leagues.
I mean, he's pretty gifted.
He'd have to take me as a manager.
I love his eye.
That was the perfect reaction because the Chiefs don't want him playing basketball,
and it's in his contract.
You can look this up for real.
Right, that is true.
Yeah.
So I think baseball is probably the same.
What if he gets hit in the head with a pitch?
You know, or breaks his hand.
Someone throws a fastball tight.
He tries to hit it and it breaks his hand.
What if he tears his hamstring throwing a pitch?
So I'm pretty sure it's probably going to be the same verdict.
No, you cannot.
But I love the way Andy Reid turned it into a joke because he's probably thinking,
nah, that's not going to fly.
Right, right.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure you're under the sun.
I mean, they used to be able to do that.
Used to, but now there's such a valuable commodity monetarily.
Well, yeah, he especially is.
Look, he's getting half a billion dollars or more, probably more now.
I think they've restructured everything.
So he's getting at least a half a billion dollars plus all endorsements.
No, I'm going to say that in that contract, I'm sure there's stuff like,
no this, no this, no this, no this, no this, and I'm pretty sure baseball's probably in one of them.
Wouldn't you think?
Yeah.
Well, I could see where they would agree to let me go practice with them.
I'm not even sure about that.
You don't think so?
I don't know.
I mean, I suppose he could be practicing with his kid when he gets older and do the same thing.
I mean, I don't know, maybe practicing, I don't know.
But as in playing, I really highly doubt that.
Yeah.
Well, yeah, because at that point you'd be playing teams from the people, from where you play, you know.
So you'd play Cleveland, you know, or whoever.
Los Angeles.
They could go to hurt you.
Yeah, they could.
Yeah, you're playing Los Angeles and the Chargers are like, man, we're getting tired to lose this motherfucker.
Throw them high and tight if you hit them, who cares?
I could see that happening.
Yeah.
So dirtier things have happened in sports.
I mean, you know, what's her name?
Nancy Kerrigan took a fucking cap on her knee.
Right?
Yeah.
So, yeah.
All right.
Well, let's take our very late first break.
That sound good?
Sounds good.
We're going to come back and I'm going to have a spotlight on turnips.
And I'm not joking.
All right.
I believe you.
Okay.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity.
Hey, your chair.
Produce a sound similar to a fart.
But only once.
Such that you cannot reproduce it and prove that it was just the chair.
Oh shit.
What's that over there?
Oh no.
It's the island of horrible jokes.
This island of horrible jokes.
Ugh.
I put a wooden shoe in my toilet.
I guess it was clogged.
And now, deep thoughts with Mark.
Let's see here.
A package of eight hot dogs.
A package of ten hot dog buns.
I would have to buy ten packs of hot dogs and eight packs of buns to even it out.
Should I buy them at once?
Should I freeze them?
Or just continue to zigzag them and hope for the best?
I hate adulting.
The aboutlapse just happened.
You don't know what to do.
You don't know where to go.
But we can tell you what you can eat.
Okay, it's post-apocalypse and you're walking down the barren wasteland that used to be a city.
You find an old can of beans lying in the middle of the road.
But you do not have a can opener.
What you do then is you find a patch of concrete.
You rub the top of the can for five minutes.
Then you go to the middle of the can and squeeze it and it should pop right open.
Hello, this is Satan.
You might know me from my pet name, Inflation.
I'm here to tell you that there's no better way to relax than listening to two douchebags in microphone by a nice warm fire at night.
After I reflect on all the cells I burned that day, enjoy.
Tomorrow morning while grinding your coffee beans for your double mocha latte, remember to not get your genitals caught in the grinder.
It really hurts.
Who can afford plastic surgery?
Stay safe everyone.
Next time you take a dump, listen to two douchebags in a microphone.
It's been proven in laboratory rats to relax your anal canal.
Get in cover.
Bone, I'm Mark.
And I am Rob.
Alright, like Four mentioned, you're probably like, what the fuck, turnips?
What the hell is wrong with this guy?
Hey.
I like turnips.
I do too.
They're good.
And also, this is two douchebags in microphone, so you gotta expect something weird, right?
Yeah, you never know what's gonna come out of our mouths.
Well, tonight my spotlight is on turnips.
First, a couple of origins of sayings about turnips, and then what turnips are good for.
So, the first saying is, can't get blood from a turnip.
According to the phrase Bible, that's the name of it online, ancient Romans would eat turnips for extra anger when going off to fight.
So they originated the phrase, can't get blood from a turnip, which means no blood would be spilled from Romans.
Isn't that interesting?
What?
I didn't even know they had turnips in Rome.
I guess so.
I didn't either.
Well, well, there you go.
The next one, straight off the turnip truck.
It is an idiom that has been used in conversation since the early 1970s and alludes to someone from the country hitching a ride to the city, therefore on a turnip truck.
That one, you know, that one didn't catch me off guard.
I was like, yeah, that sounds about right, right?
Yeah.
Okay.
Now I'm going to go to what turnips are good for.
Turnips play a significant role in the National Heart and Lung and Blood Institute's DASH diet, which medical experts have designated to bring down blood pressure by releasing sodium from the body and helping arteries dilate.
So that's what turnips are good for.
They're actually very good for you.
So there's my turnip.
I'm going to start eating more for us.
Hell yeah.
I'm going to, I'm going to like maybe, I don't know, like have a turnip enema maybe, you think?
Boil some turnips and, you know, let it cool down a little bit and just turn myself upside down when my ass open.
There you go.
All right.
What a visual, right Rob?
Very well.
All right, Rob, we turn to you for something better because we need it right now.
Okay.
Well, this one's kind of out there too.
Fine.
Employees being inebriated on the job has long been a workplace hazard, but according to one boss, it's a non-issue.
From caffeine and cannabis to Adderall and Xanax, any legal drugs are according to business owner and columnist Gene Marks in a new Guardian Open being used on the clock like never before.
I know this because I know many of these people.
They're friends, workmates, and even family.
I'm one of those people, Marks admitted.
Do I care?
Not one bit.
We're all good at it, right?
With the rise in remote work culture, allegedly to blame for more and more people choosing to toke up or get drunk while working, some offices speak,
and have chosen to engage in surveillance tactics or in that plutonium new drug-free remote work policies.
As the owner of an entirely virtual B2B tech company, however, Marks could care less what employees are up to.
So long as they're getting the job done, that is. My company is totally virtual.
For all I know, they're microdosing, toking, snorting, injecting, and doing shots all day.
I can't be responsible for their behavior, nor should I be, you broke.
They're grown-ups, and as long as it's legal, they have every right to do whatever they need to do to live a life on Earth in these stressful times.
I love that thought. Why would they care if they're not really affecting their work?
If they're doing their work, you know, and not breaking the law or hurting anybody or something, then yes, of course.
Well, this is a virtual tech company, too. I mean, it's not like you're running machinery.
Yeah, that's true. That's true. So yeah, I've always wondered how come they wanted to delve into your personal life so much.
Man, to me, if someone wants to go home and take a hit off a joint, who gives a shit? Who are they hurting?
You know, as long as they're doing their job correctly and not breaking a... Well, I mean, before they were breaking the law, now they would not be if they were in Missouri.
And in Kansas, Kansas near the state line doesn't care. Let's face it. You know, they're so close to us.
You go down to this dispensary close to me, about a mile away, and we're a mile away from Kansas.
Every car in that lot is Johnson County cars. They're just coming over here and getting it.
And there's no Leewood cop, there's no Overland Park cop on the other side there to get them because they know better.
You know, they're like, you know what, hey, those guys come over here to sports gamble. We go over there to buy pot. Simple enough.
I know a lot of other Kansas people actually down towards the southern part. It runs down to Oklahoma.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Well, Kansas is the only state that doesn't even at least have medicinal marijuana.
But they have sports betting. They are such a confused state.
Yeah, actually, Missouri didn't have sports betting.
We have always said that.
Yeah, that's true. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's this is true.
Yeah. And the funny thing is, is this still this goes back to me, in my opinion, to the Bushwhackers and the Jayhawkers during the Civil War.
There's still a little bit of a rivalry there.
And they still have a little animosity left over, I think, from that because you ever go to someone to go, hey, I live in Kansas City.
Kansas? Hell no. Missouri. You know, there's still a lot of that going on and vice versa.
Oh, Missouri. Hell no. I live in Kansas.
I think that it is left over from the Bushwhackers and the Jayhawkers.
You know, the Jayhawkers were, of course, over there in Kansas.
And that's what their teams are named after.
And so Missouri burnt down. Well, the Bushwhackers burnt down Lawrence.
So there's actually a monument of this in front of the courthouse, the new courthouse in Harrisonville, Missouri.
They call that area on 2 highway there and all around it the burnt district. Have you ever heard that?
No, I had not heard that. OK. When did they start doing that?
After they burnt Lawrence down and they all came back to Missouri. Oh, yeah. That's right.
Yes. What they did was they burnt all the trees around there so they could see them coming. So they called that whole area the burnt district.
And you know, Harrisonville and their infinite wisdom put up as a monument of the burnt district.
And I'm not kidding you, a giant fireplace.
I'm not joking you. It's right off the 2 highway in front of the new justice center.
I'm taking pictures next to this thing. I've ridiculed it. I've made fun of it.
You know what? I don't know why.
Yeah, the burnt district. Hey, what are we going to make? I don't know, a statue of Paul Brown? No, no, no.
How about grant? No, no, no. How about one of the famous generals? No, no, no.
How about a fireplace? Yeah, that will do it.
So, you can't make this shit up. You cannot. It's not my fake story either.
Sorry, I was so busy having fun with that I got myself into a Poland frenzy.
Right, right. That is hilarious, dude.
Yeah, it is. Only because, yeah, that is just hilarious.
I mean, who the hell thought let's build a giant fireplace in honor of the burnt district?
Isn't that kind of like rubbing it in?
Oh, but anyhow, there's still that little bit of rivalry between both states, especially around the state line.
This whole area around me, especially to the south, a little bit to the north, was a Civil War country.
We're the middle of the country, and this is where both sides met so many times.
There are all different types of monuments and historic sites and all this stuff, you know, that are dedicated to it.
So, anyhow, the old town of Midway, which the school that I went to was named after, was just outside of Framing, Missouri.
Anyhow, you could still go there into some of the farmer's fields and see the hotels that the Jayhawkers burnt up while people were in there.
You could see old dishes there.
And this was as of 1982 or 1983 when I was in school, and they took us down there with metal detectors.
We found old doubloons and stuff.
And that's how a lot of that stuff is.
You go to the creek beds, you can still find in certain areas some of the old gold coins and stuff, or maybe not gold, but whatever they had.
Coins for Confederate or Union, you know.
And so there's a lot of Civil War stuff around here.
So, anyhow, I'm going to go from Civil War to, I don't even know how we got on Civil War, but okay.
Gray wolves hadn't been seen in the South since the 1900s.
This winter, a local hunter shot one.
The first time the species had been found in southern Michigan, which is quite a ways away from the southern section of the United States.
A series of genetic tests on the harvested animal determined it was a gray wolf.
I say the gray wolf was not extinct, but was staying away from the nastiest predators of all time.
That would be man.
So, anyhow, you see, one wolf tries to make peace with man, and what do they do? They shoot him, right?
Yeah.
So, that's interesting that there are still gray wolves.
They didn't think they were around anymore, but they still are.
And is in southern Michigan, not in southern United States.
So, okay.
Rob, I turn to you to save this program.
A piece of space station debris has caused chaos by crashing through a roof of a house in Florida.
NASA has confirmed.
The bizarre incident occurred in Naples, Florida, last month when a cylindrical object clumped in from the sky
and was later examined at Kennedy Space Center in Cape Canaveral after tearing through the homeowner's roof.
NASA identified the intruder as a metal bracket once used to secure discarded batteries to a waste pallet on the International Space Station.
This pallet had been jettisoned into space after 2021 with the expectations that it would disintegrate upon reentry to Earth's atmosphere.
Guess not.
However, this fragment defied the odds and made it to the ground.
Weighing about 1.6 pounds, the metal piece measured 4 inches in height and around an inch and a half inches in width.
Alejandro Atero, the homeowner, told Wink News that he was away on holiday when the incident occurred, leaving his son to discover the aftermath.
Wow.
Yeah, they said that defied the odds.
That they should have never made it to the ground.
They thought it was going to burn up in the atmosphere and clearly I guess they were wrong.
Yeah.
Yeah, imagine it could be like walking down the road.
There are instances of that.
People walking down the road and getting nailed in the head and they die because space junk hit them.
It's true.
You can look this up.
There are several documented cases.
Real quick before we take...
Because they had jettisoned that.
So not only are we polluting our own planet, now we're polluting outer space.
We're shipping trash into outer space.
Is that what I'm reading?
We're shipping trash into outer space, Rob.
We are.
Yeah.
That's why they're on Mars.
Oh, God.
They want to go destroy that next.
Go put a couple of trailer homes on it and fucking Natty Light.
Yeah, hell yeah.
Yeah, Mars is going to be trash.
Real quick before...
And don't forget about the Ferris wheel and the train.
The Mars Ferris wheel and the train.
Yeah.
Oh, man.
Speaking of Ferris wheels, I've got a story I want to go to before we go to our second break.
A new cruise ship next year will have a thrill ride off the edge of the ship.
160 foot above water is a swing.
Yes, a swing.
MSC is the cruise company that came up with this gem.
The MSC World America, which will be sailing out of Port Miami next April,
will actually have swings that go out over the water from the ship.
And this is like a regular swing.
I'm sure you're buckled in, but your feet are dangling and you're pretty much just kind of like there on a little swing set.
Now, you are buckled in and secure, I'm sure.
But you still have the same sensation of being on a swing set high in the air, 160 foot up over the ocean.
Is that pretty cool?
Yeah.
I think that is too.
Like I said earlier this year, I rode a roller coaster on a ship, and that was really cool and unique.
It was actually more frightening than I thought because there are several turns there where it looks like it's just going to fly right straight into the ocean.
Your whole cart.
But of course it doesn't because, you know, we all know roller coasters that are designed to look like that, like you're going to go flying off the edge, but you don't.
But still the sensation was there and it's pretty cool.
So now there's going to be a swing set that goes off the edge.
So I definitely think I might have to trek over to MSC and try that one.
So anyhow, let's take our second break and we'll be right back with more nonsense and garbage.
That sound good, Rob?
All good.
We're just like a really funny radio show with all the funny taken out.
No bat light here.
These idiots just show up and hope for the best.
Since we haven't a budget here at Two Douchebags and a Microphone, here's a random guy on the street to promote our show.
Hi everybody, I'm Thready.
I love listening to Two Douchebags and a Microphone and I get all my pertinent information from them.
They are incredible and I love them so.
Introducing Rob Radd's new book, How to Track Your Enemy by Scent.
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Well, get rid of your disinfectants and rubber bedspreads kids.
It's the all new Amber Heard Alert system.
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Order today and get a free Cinnabon Renuzen cartridge.
And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark.
Hmm, let's see, if a worm could talk, would it be argumentive?
I may never know.
Dude, douchebags and microphone, I'm Mark.
And I am Rob.
I was going to go into a little bit serious story about some idiot that tried to rob a shell station with a snake.
But instead I'm going to go into a little bit more lighthearted one.
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Cup Water Cocktail Pops, 80 calories at 7% alcohol by volume.
Popular flavors like Lime Margarita, Gin Melon. Enjoy 12 of them for $24.99.
Nature Days Frozen Icicles. This is Natural Light's version of Boozy Pops with flavors like Strawberry Lemonade and Pineapple Lemonade.
These will not hit stores soon.
Oh no no, these will hit stores soon. The old ones that they had will not be in stores anymore. I'm sorry.
So they'll be in stores soon. Bud Light Setzer Pops Frozen Icicles are part of a retro summer pack with a tie-dye design and they are 5% alcohol by volume at around 100 calories.
Flavors like Cherry Lemonade and Blue Raspberry. So there you go you alcoholics. Have at it.
Yep.
Alright Rob I turn to you once again to turn this program around in the fiery crash that I caused.
Well I'm going to try out a more serious.
Uh oh.
It's something I ran across. It's five things we should keep to ourselves.
Oh boy.
This is more of a serious one. The first one is your finances.
Many people find money an expensive subject and we should not feel obligated to discuss it with others. Sharing details about our income, expenses or debt can lead to judgment, unsolicited advice or even exploitation.
Wow.
Yeah.
I would agree.
And I for one have always tried not to, you know, tried to not do that. My financial is me.
Everybody goes through financial hard times unless you're born wealthy. Everybody does. And the thing is, is nobody really wants to hear it because we've all been through it and we'll probably be through it again at some point, right?
Right.
So, um, yeah, people simply don't want to hear it. It's just, you know, it's like, you know, people are like, oh man I've got to go to work today. Well everyone else is like, well so am I asshole. You know?
Yeah.
Yeah. So I agree with that 100 percent, yes.
Okay, the next one, your relationship issues.
Oh gosh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Relationships are complex and often fraught with challenges. When going through a rough patch with your partner, turning to others for advice or support can be tempting. However, it's important to remember that every relationship is unique and what works to one couple may not work for another.
I could see that.
I agree with that 100 percent.
Yes, a lot of times you do kind of need somebody to talk to.
Yeah, yeah. Here's what I hate.
You know?
When someone, you know, comes in and paints a picture of their girlfriend or boyfriend just being horrible and they didn't do nothing wrong. That drives me nuts because I know better. Right?
Right.
It's almost always double sided. It's not always, I'd say 99.99 percent of the time it's two people's fault, not one. Okay? And then they come in and they go, that bitch did this and this and this. I can't believe she did that. It's like, well okay, leave her.
No, I don't think I can do that. Yeah you can. If she's that bad, leave her. Other than that, I don't want to hear what a bad person she is. Right? Agreed?
Right.
Yeah. And I have a couple people in mind that do that and it drives me nuts. It's like, okay fine, I know they're horrible, leave. Oh no, we're talking it out. Well then I don't ever want to hear you bash her again and say what a horrible person she is.
Sorry?
Yeah, anyhow, go ahead.
Next, we have your health concerns.
Yeah?
Our health, our health is perhaps the most personal aspect of our lives and we should not feel obligated to share it with others.
I know, my anal organs freaked everybody out when I told them about it. I just don't know why that was off limits.
Yeah, see, you know, I don't mind talking to people about don't being a urologist.
Yeah, you know, I scraped them off, it was no big deal. They didn't come back.
Well Sam, pay attention.
Talking about your health concerns, does anyone other than a healthcare professional can lead to or lead to problems from unsolicited medical advice to potential discrimination?
Hmm, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I can see that.
Yeah, unless you're talking about anal warts, that's okay.
Yeah, yeah, you definitely have to talk about that.
You have to get that out there. You've got to let people know what you're going through. They will sympathize.
Yeah, yeah.
Anyhow.
Your personal goals and ambitions. Studying goals and working towards them is integral to personal growth and development.
However, sharing your goals and ambitions with others can sometimes do more harm than good.
When we share our dreams with others, we open ourselves up to potential criticism, negativity, or satatite.
Yeah.
I never thought of it that way.
Well, I mean, there's a fine line too, isn't there Rob?
Yeah.
But what's acceptable and whatnot, I mean, for real, really, if you really want to get down to it, right?
And most of us know where that is, right?
Right.
So, yeah, anyhow, you got more?
There's one last one.
Okay.
Your controversial opinions. We all have opinions on various topics from politics to religion to social issues.
However, sharing our controversial opinions with others can be a risky proposition.
In today's polarized world, expressing an unpopular opinion can lead to heated arguments, damaged relationships, or even professional consequences.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah?
Yeah.
That's pretty much a given.
Yeah, we are so polarized by our politics here in America, and I know there's other stuff too, you know, but politics is one of the main ones.
We're so polarized to where we're conditioned to think that the other side is completely evil, and you should not talk to them if you are the other side, then you want destruction of Earth.
When actually most people are probably in the middle and they just pick the side, right?
Yeah.
So, yeah, I would agree with that 100%.
Thank you, Rob. That was a really good article.
Yeah, I got to reading it, man. The more I read into it, I just read a short part of each one.
I mean, it goes on to tell me a little more about it.
Well, I like the way you did it. You gave a little rough draft of everything. You illustrated a printed picture, and then you got away from it.
And I'm starting to learn how to do that on some articles too, because I have a bad habit of reading too much on them, and then they're trying to come up with a pun or something, and I sound like an idiot for even stating it.
So, like now, I'm starting to proofread some stuff a little bit better. You know, my thing is time. I just don't have enough time to do all this.
So a lot of times, we'll just download the article, and then when we get to a program, I just start reading it.
Well, I need to start proofreading the stuff, and then just like crossing off shit I don't need to say, and stopping the article way before. I need to learn how to do that, honestly.
We're doing it really good. I need to learn the art of when to stop it.
When I got the point across, and everybody knows what I mean, and then they can decide for themselves.
Right. Yeah, because honestly, I have a lot saved up. Just like ten of these, seven of these, you know?
Yeah, yes.
And to read the whole thing, it would take one break to the next break, you know, the third of our show.
Oh, yeah.
So yeah, we gotta break these down.
Yep. I agree.
I mean, you know, the whole thing is we're not a serious program, number one.
So why would we go into anything too much?
We try to keep things as lighthearted as possible. We do cover some serious subjects.
But like I said, we're just an outlet for people. We want people to laugh and have a little ha-ha.
And you know, if you like crude humor, we may be your cup of tea.
If you don't, then there's plenty of stuff on the radio dolly you can turn to.
And you will get the doom and gloom, and the seriousness, and the Israelis against the Iranians, and the Palestinians, you know, and all that.
You can get that anywhere.
So this stuff here is a dying breed. You don't get it on the radio anymore.
You don't get the crude humor. You don't get the dick jokes.
Because they simply can't do it because of FCC rules and government interference.
So that's why all of this stuff went to the Internet, and we're simply just trying to do that, trying to give everybody a ha-ha.
So anyhow, I need to learn how to kind of, you know, color between the lines a little bit better.
So I've got a little story here, pretty interesting.
Coast Guard Navy rescued three stranded men after spotting help sign made with palm leaves.
United States Coast Guard and U.S. Navy teams teamed up this week and rescued three men found on remote island in the Pacific, officials said.
The fishermen, all under 40s, have been on the island about 415 miles southwest of Guam.
The rescue marks the second time in less than two weeks someone has been rescued from one of those tiny islands.
The men spelled help using palm leaves laid on a white sand beach before being rescued Tuesday, according to the U.S. Coast Guard.
The men, three relatives who had not been publicly identified as of Thursday, were found in good condition and expected to survive.
So Coast Guard said that the fishermen were on there for about a week.
And anyhow, they figured out that if they spill out help and palm leaves, that people flying over will realize they're not fishing and they are in fact stranded.
I don't know what they ate for that week, it does not say. But they had to have eaten something, right?
Yeah.
Well, maybe they had food with them. And however they got stranded or whatever, you know, they still had the food with them and that's what they ate. I don't know.
The article didn't go into any of that, but I thought it was pretty interesting. So, Rob, you got something?
I might get the invites and the notes.
Okay. Let's see here.
I got something here, if you don't mind.
That's about all right. I went over for the night, but I do have others on me.
Okay. Monster Energy Drink got into the craft brewery not that long ago. Monster acquired Canarchy Craft Beer Platform is $330 million in 2022.
Despite the promise that the category has shown over the years, Monster has reportedly laid off numerous staff members in that industry.
The whole layoffs are reported in the Cigar City Brewery out of Florida. And it's interesting because they just started their craft beer segment of Monster Energy two years ago.
And now they're already downsizing and possibly getting rid of it. But that's how much the craft beer industry has declined.
Now it's like craft mocktails and craft cocktails and craft beers are already out. The younger generation is not drinking them.
And people like you and I, they're neat for a while, but then we go back to our regular beers. Mine's Ginling and yours is what? Natty Light, right?
Yeah.
Yeah. It's great to get a Dunkle here. You know, something like that, you know, a Brown Ale, IPA. It's great to get some of that stuff, a Lemon Chandy or whatever.
But you eventually go back to your staple beer. And that's what's going on. People got tired of that.
Oh, now this is a great pairing with a cigar and this is a great pairing with clams, you know, and people got sick of that.
They're like, yeah, just give me back my fucking Natty Light and just leave me alone. And that's where I'm at.
I'm like, give me a nice cold, give me a nice cold Ginling in a glass, in a glass mug. And I'm the happiest man in the world.
So anyhow, I think we could probably go ahead and cut this thing down for tonight. What do you think, Rob?
I did come up with another one.
Oh, okay. Go ahead.
Okay. Polly Shore and Comedy Store are at the center of a lawsuit over an assault and battery incident that should be sent.
Yes, Polly Shore is that comedian.
He does. He has seemed to have gotten a little violent here and there, hasn't he?
Yeah, yeah. Well, according to USA Today, comedian Elliot Furshute filed a suit against the jury duty actor and the comedy club he owns, alleging he was assaulted by bouncers at the club.
According to People, documents on the lawsuit alleged that two bouncers ran up to him and detained him after the server said he didn't pay the bill.
While Plank was faced down on the sidewalk, various bouncers for the Comedy Store began to hit and kick him for an appreciable amount of time, the lawsuit alleges.
The bouncer that threw Plank up to the ground while this beating was occurring yelled, this is for Polly.
Shore's mother, Mitzi Shore, co-founded the Comedy Store in Los Angeles, passing on the former MTV personality after she passed away. He was not present during the incident, according to the Bible.
Wow. So these people brought up Polly Shore's name, but he wasn't there. So he obviously...
He owns the place.
Yeah, yeah. I see where that is in play. But are they trying to say that Polly Shore had it done or just simply that he owns the place and is liable because he hired these people? Is that what it's saying?
No, it's the bouncer's doing it because it goes on to talk about another case in 2022.
Oh, okay.
That a member of the court's security allegedly assaulted a couple. They own B-Mail.
Okay. Then they have a history of doing this?
Yeah, it looks like there's a history of this.
And Polly Shore never did straighten it out after that one. So yeah, I guess he is liable then and he is going to get sued again. So, okay, whatever. I mean, he kind of deserves it at this point, right? I mean, in my opinion.
Polly Shore was also mentioned in that lawsuit alleging he was aware of the club's security and their actions, which he agreed with and encouraged the behavior. Okay, that's what the lawsuit is alleging.
Okay. Well, I did know about that. That's what I was asking a minute ago was, okay, I see their angle and I think because that previous assault that happened, then yeah, I get it.
Yeah. If you're that worried about it, you make sure it stopped, right? You get rid of the people and you let everyone else know you're next if you do this. So yeah, I get it.
Yep.
I've got a little story here I'd like to go into here really quick and just cap this off. I've kept it around for a while, or actually a couple of weeks now.
And anyhow, it's people that thought that they came to the actual ending of The Sopranos, the cut to black.
So, back in 2010 or something like that, a few years after the series ended, New York Knicks were trying to court LeBron James to come there next and play.
So, this James Gandolfini and Edie Falco, Mr. and Mrs. Soprano on the show, did an advertisement for LeBron James trying to court him to come to New York.
And this was, they were hiding in New York in the witness protection program, and they were kind of pretty much saying, yeah, we're in New York, the witness protection program's great, you know, and all that stuff.
And then they said, you know, it'd be nice if LeBron came to the Knicks or something. So everyone said, aha, that was David Chase saying what actually happened.
Well, David Chase rebutted a couple of weeks ago, and he said, no, that is not what happened. I had nothing to do with that commercial. They came up with that on their own.
So, we're back to, it's whatever you read into it, which I think is awesome. So, if you think he got his brain splattered out, that's what happened.
If you think he ran away with the loot and lived happily ever after, that's what happened.
If you think he got busted and went to prison, that's what happened. So, there you go, guys. You pick the ending, and you say that's what happened, and that's what happened.
Anyhow, I guess we'll go ahead and cut this one for tonight, right?
Hello, Grandma. Hi, Jimmy.
Yeah. Hi, Grandma Opal. Hi, Jimmy. Love you guys. You guys dodged another one in Dodge City again. Oh, dodged in Dodge City. Well, I didn't mean the pun. But yeah, yeah, another bad storm came and just snipped them.
So, hopefully they were on the other side of that. So.
Hopefully they at least got a little bit of rain out of it.
Yeah, yeah. I hope they got some rain because like Jimmy was saying, they have been really dry. And now that I've been paying attention, every storm has just been going around them, kind of like here.
Right. Right.
Are you guys dry down here too?
This last one, we only got a couple drops out of it.
We got like two tenths of an inch. That's it. But we're supposed to maybe get some tonight. We'll see. But all the big storm systems have just simply been going around us.
There have been big storm systems that have been going to the north, to the south, to the east, you know.
Yeah.
And they've just been going around us. So, we're in that kind of a pattern. Are you guys dry down there too?
Yeah. Yeah.
Okay. That's our dot. It's kind of like a mid-Missouri, western Missouri thing. Northern, north. North is fine. North has been getting all kinds of rain. Northwest Missouri, northeast Missouri. And the cutoff is about 36 highway. You know where 36 highway is, of course.
Just a little bit to the south of 36 highway, they've had plenty of rain. Or to the north of 36 highway, they've had plenty of rain.
Yeah.
A little bit to the south of it, been bone dry. So, anyhow. Alright everybody. Thank you for listening. We love you guys. Goodnight assholes.
Goodnight assholes.
Oh no. Looks like the show's over kids. Mark has explosive diarrhea and can't afford a wireless mic. Fear not assholes. They'll be back invading your ear holes soon.