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Hello everybody, this is Two Deucebags and a Microphone and I am Mark.
And I am Rob.
I have a neat question here that I think I know how I feel about it, but I am not sure.
I need a little bit more convincing.
So let me explain it.
It is kind of a long story, and it is a hot button issue now, and it rightfully should
be.
A prisoner who briefly died and was brought back to life argued that he technically served
his life sentenced.
So let me go into this.
In a bizarre incident in Iowa, USA, a prisoner tried to argue that he had technically served
his sentence after briefly dying and being brought back to life in 1996.
Benjamin Shriver was sentenced to life in prison after he had clubbed a man to death
with a handle of a pickaxe.
Which is horrible, but what is fair is fair.
So let's keep going here and try to dissect it a little bit better.
The gruesome murder was not only Shriver's doing alone, but also the victim's girlfriend.
After the case was solved, Shriver was convicted of first degree murder and sentenced to life
in prison.
After years of serving his time behind bars in 2015, Shriver developed severe complications
from his kidney stones.
While in his cell, the prisoner went into septic shock and lost consciousness.
Afterwards, he was taken to the hospital for emergency treatment.
While he was at the hospital, Shriver momentarily died under the doctors care but was brought
back to life using a combination of ephedrine and adrenaline.
So he technically died?
Yes, but he was brought back with ephedrine and adrenaline.
However you want to pronounce it, I've heard it both ways.
After he was treated, Shriver was taken back to the cell.
Shriver's attorneys used this opportunity to claim in court that his momentary death
in the hospital could be perceived as him completing his life sentence.
They further claimed since he technically served his life sentence, his return to prison
was illegal.
To support his cause, Shriver said that his revival was carried out against his wishes.
So he said he did not want to be resuscitated, but they resuscitated him according to him.
When a lower court found the argument unpersuasive and without merit, Shriver pushed the matter
further.
However, even the appeals court judge was not convinced by the argument.
At the three-judge panel ruled, we do not believe the legislator intends this provision,
which defines the sentences to the most serious class of felonies under Iowa law and imposes
its harshest penalty.
To set criminal defendants free whenever medical procedures during an incarceration lead to
their resuscitation by medical professionals.
So Rob, it sounds to me like this, and correct me if you heard something more out of this
that I didn't, but it sounds to me like he was claiming that he said he didn't want to
be resuscitated because he didn't want to go back to prison, and they resuscitated him.
So he's pretty much saying, hey, that was my life sentence, but you're the ones that
brought me back.
Is that what you hear, Rob?
That's what I'm hearing, yes.
Yeah.
So you guys brought me back.
I didn't want to come back, but since you guys brought me back, then you guys need to
let me go because I served my life sentence according to me, and you guys are the ones
that brought me back, so let me go.
And then further, his lawyer said that it was illegal to throw him back in prison.
So Rob.
Yeah, I agree with that too because on death row, if they inject you or electrify you,
or whatever, they give you the death sentence, and you happen to live through it, you get
to walk away.
You know, Rob, that's a hell of an argument, and I've been swaying back and forth.
Because you live through your death sentence.
Okay, Rob, I got a question.
And he's not even on death.
He's his life.
No, I know.
I know.
Okay, Rob, I got a question, okay?
Yeah.
Now, what if he didn't say he didn't want to be resuscitated?
What if he did not have the DNR, do not resuscitate?
Then do you still?
Okay, well then it would be a different argument.
Okay, well I don't see-
But since he said he did not want to be resuscitated.
And the thing is, is I think maybe he really did say that because I don't see any argument
here in this article where they said, you didn't say that, it's a lie, so you're going
back to prison.
It sounds to me like they're just kind of like, oh, shut up, prisoner.
Get out of here.
You killed someone, we're not taking any more bullshit.
And throwing him back in his cell block.
And I hate doing this because the guy sounds like a miserable piece of shit to me in my
opinion.
I think he's-
Right, right.
I'd defend him too, but hey.
Look, I mean-
Legal systems, legal systems.
Exactly.
Law is law.
And that's a good point you brought up about the, there's that rule that if you survive
your death punishment, then they have to let you, not let you free, but they have to not
put you to death.
That's it.
Yeah, yeah, you're done with the death penalty.
Yes.
So you're really through it.
Yes.
And there's also not double jeopardy.
So here's something I got for you, Rob.
You know double jeopardy, right?
So you try somebody for a case and then they find out someone else done it, but they already
convicted someone else or vice, you know.
So double jeopardy means that they can't reconvict somebody for it.
So in this kind of a form of double jeopardy, because he said his old life was over and
this is a new life.
So isn't that a form of it?
Is he getting-
Yeah.
Isn't he getting punished for last life, not this one?
Or is that just too bad?
They brought you back to life because they thought they could and you're just going to
have to deal with it.
Well, I guess we'll find out in court.
Yeah.
Well, I think they pretty much made up their minds by this, you know.
I mean, it went to the circuit court and the court of appeals and everyone pretty much
denied the guy altogether.
But I don't agree with that, man.
If they have proof he said yes, do not resuscitate me.
If somebody witnessed it, come on.
I don't know about that.
Here, there's a little bit more here on this article and maybe it'll say it here.
We stopped to kind of argue the point and not argue, but talk it out.
Okay.
Yeah.
The judge's adage, Schreiber is either still alive, in which case he must remain in prison
or he is actually dead, in which case the appeal is moot.
And that's what the judge has said.
To determine the legitimacy of the argument, according to CNN, the appeals court referred
to Iowa state law, which states that anyone who is guilty of a class A felony must spend
the rest of their natural life in prison, regardless of how long that period of time
ends up being or any events occurring before the defendant's life ends.
Schreiber, okay, natural life.
Okay, so his life ended and they brought him back.
Yeah, so this wouldn't be his natural life then, right?
This would be extended life because someone brought him back.
Yeah.
Rob, I think I have to agree with you as much as this guy sounds like a piece of garbage
to me.
If he really did say- I have to give this one to him.
I really do.
If he really did have a DNR or if he told the people and he can prove it that he said,
don't resuscitate me, I don't want to come back to life and be in prison, then I think
you're right.
Yeah, I think that it's like, okay, we're sorry we brought you back to life.
So I mean, I could see this thing going to the Supreme Court.
Yeah, seeing how many other courts are turning down.
Yeah.
But it sounds like a legit battle.
I'm telling you, Rob, I'd like hell to think of it as for the law, but I keep coming back
to if he really did say, I don't want to live, let me die, then I think that-
Yeah, if he really had a DNR, hey.
Yeah, okay.
You know what?
I think I agree with you with what I know from this now.
Now if something comes out and he didn't say that, then I reserve the right to say, yeah,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for wasting my breath, sorry for fighting for you, dude.
Yeah.
But if this in fact did go down like he said, and no one went to the doctors and told them
his wishes, or he didn't have it legally on paper saying, hey, this is my DNR, because
he started developing issues, and he could think, well, I'm getting older and I have
all these issues, I'm going to pass away someday here, probably not too far away, so I better
give them this.
So I'll put it like this, Rob.
This case will not be over with if he does have a DNR or can prove that he did tell the
guards or whoever he needed to that.
If they have it on paper somewhere, then I would imagine this would go to the Supreme
Court.
Because natural life is one thing, so would he be unnatural life now because they brought
him back to life?
My book, yes.
My opinion, yes.
Rob, I have to-
He would be unnatural life at this point.
I don't like it, but I have to agree with you.
I think.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Okay, we're both on the same page there, and I wanted to hash that out with you, and I'm
glad that we did.
Yeah, me too, me too.
You people email a lot.
I get a lot of them.
You guys are very much, you communicate with the show very well.
You tell us a lot of things.
You're in touch.
Yeah, you're in touch with us.
Thank you.
I would love for you guys to send me your thought on this and why you think that because
I'll read them on the show and say, hey, this is George from, I don't know, Cape Girardeau.
I think the guy should spend his life in jail for... Yeah, please do.
I want to hear other people's opinions, and that's why I love running across Rob when
Rob said that if you beat the death sentence, they try to put you to death, and you beat
it, you're free to go.
That's a law.
Would this be the same kind of thing, or would this be like double jeopardy, or would this
be like the natural life and the unnatural life is now because they brought him back
and he asked not to?
Okay, all right.
Well- Supposably.
Okay, yeah.
As right now, on the surface, I agree with Rob's point of view on that.
So anyhow, here in a little bit after the break, Rob's probably got a story he wants
to go into, but we're bringing back the nipple tweak, the flicking the nuts, and the ass
cheek bite.
This is lovingly, this is playful.
It isn't me.
Yes.
Yeah.
We're going to bring that back right after the break, but until the break, I think Rob
may have something he wants to go into.
I'll be lifted.
Okay.
All right, until then, I'm going to make weird animal noises until you find something.
Okay, okay.
Oh, are you ready?
Did you get it?
You got it?
Damn, good job, dude.
Good job.
Hey, do you like that last one?
I really- Yeah, that was good.
That was from my diaphragm.
I felt great.
Okay.
All right, Rob, go ahead.
This is about Walmart.
All right, hang on.
Coming up with a wallaby.
We're starting to get a little bit of a
wallaby.
Thank you, Rob.
Go ahead.
I don't know.
You might kind of get into this one.
Wallaby world stories are gold, dude, so do it.
This store in Shrewsbury, Missouri, a suburb of St. Louis.
Shrewsbury?
Yeah, Shrewsbury.
Okay.
And now some Friday that it would start the process of getting rid of the self-checkout
machines on Sunday.
Oh, those things blow.
They suck.
Yeah.
So you're kind of liking this one, huh?
Yeah, so far I'm loving it.
Brian Little, the global communications director for Walmart, corporate affairs, told NBC affiliate
KBSK TV that the decision was made to improve the in-store experience.
The decision was based on several factors, including feedback from associates and customers,
shopping patterns, and business needs in this area, he said.
We believe the change will improve the in-store shopping experience and give our associates
a chance to provide more personalized and efficient service.
Do I hear trumpets?
Yes, you do.
I hear angels singing.
Oh my God.
Finally, we're getting rid of those asses.
First off, in a lot of Walmarts, like the one that's a couple of miles away from, actually
it's about a mile away from me, okay, they really piss people off because you go through
the self-checkout, okay, then the reason you have to is because you're pretty much forced
to.
Like I said, when I was really pissed off at him a couple of weeks ago or whatever, it's
like 18 items or under, and I had like 20 and the lady gave me a dirty look because
I was too over, but she was the only cashier that was open, unless you wanted to walk like
a mile down to the other side where the other cashier is, okay?
So, I was forced to go through self-checkout, all right?
So after I was forced to go through self-checkout, I get interrogated with my receipt, and people
are saying, wait a minute, wait a minute, you guys didn't train us, and you're going
to come after me because I missed something, you're going to call me a liar or a thief?
Fuck you guys.
We're the ones that said you trust us to do this, so leave me the hell alone, right?
Right.
I agree with that.
Look, they said, here's self-checkout machines, we trust you, okay?
The average person isn't going to go in there and steal a bunch of stuff, that's just the
way it is.
Most people are like, you know what, I don't need any legal trouble, I don't need anything
like that at all, so I'm going to pay, and also it's just not right to steal.
Most people are like that, would you agree, Rob?
Most, yes.
Yeah.
When I check in your receipt, when he checks your receipt, it makes you feel like a criminal,
and then if people are walking by and he's like, hey, you didn't pay for this, everyone
assumes you're a criminal, right?
Right, right, right, but I have a way to solidify that.
Go ahead.
Okay.
Target has a really good idea, and I spoke about it on yesterday's podcast, which hasn't
been released yet, hopefully a little bit later tonight, but they're trying to catch
the habitual ones, not the person that just messed up and didn't scan an item, thought
they heard a beep, but they didn't or whatever, but they're having, coming up with an AI-complicated
system to, you know, hey, wait a minute, that guy was in here two days ago, and he got off
with 100 bucks of stuff.
Two days in here, he's got $80 worth of stuff, and then he comes up in another three days,
and he's got $50 worth of stuff he didn't pay for.
That's what they're looking for, or that's what they're saying they're looking for.
They're not looking for a gem down the road that just forgot to scan a fucking pack of
baloney.
Right.
Okay, but the thing is, is like this though, and I agree on this, and then you go into
your point right after this, Rob.
I agree with this right here.
Right.
Okay.
You get normal training.
You get interrogated like you're a criminal.
People walking by think you're a criminal.
I think it's just the cost of doing business if you miss something, and they ought to eat
it.
Okay, thank you for doing our job for us.
You missed something, it's yours.
That's my thought on it.
Yeah.
They should go, all right, sir, I'm sorry you missed something.
There should have been someone there telling you that you didn't scan it.
You thought you did.
You're not a criminal, but you just missed it.
I'm very sorry, but we have to hit this again.
Not the guy when you're leaving, all of a sudden walking you back, the walk of shame.
Hey, he didn't pay for this.
Oh yeah?
That type of shit.
So Rob, go ahead with your point.
You have one.
Okay, well, here's to those that do get detained because of that.
Yeah.
Look around you, don't feel ashamed.
I mean, there's people around you that's doing it on purpose.
You did it on accident, good deal.
You know what, Rob, you might be right.
Maybe that's just me that takes it.
Don't feel ashamed.
You're in Walmart.
Look around you.
I'm on.
Yeah, good point, good point.
You're not at Saks Fifth Avenue, you're in Walmart.
No, no.
I mean, don't take it personal.
You're not in Bloomy Mills.
I mean, this person at the door is just doing their job.
You're not even at Mesa's.
Okay, yeah.
All right, well, I'm glad that they're getting rid of the self-checkout machines and I hope
it's in trend.
Well, this store is and hopefully it'll take effect and it looks like other stores, not
just Walmart, but other stores are looking at getting rid of them too.
Yeah, that's what the word is.
Because of that.
Yeah, well, you know what, we'll see.
And unhappy customers.
Yes.
We would rather have personal experiences.
Yeah, and also the elderly, the boomers that are elderly, probably 70 something, a lot
of them don't have a whole lot of human interaction.
And I did that article a few months back about it's really hurting the elderly because they
used to get to know their cashier.
You know, they'd always go, hey, hey, there's Jenny over there.
Oh, good, I'm going to go to her.
I'm going to see how her granddaughter is because she had that operation.
You know, and there's stuff like that.
They actually have some really good moments with their cashiers.
They get to know them very well.
And they feel like they're part of family.
And these people are lonely.
So when they're going through the checkout, they want that dialogue.
They want to talk to that person.
They know that person and that person knows them.
And so that's another point of getting back to.
And like I said then on that article, some store is going to go, we don't do self checkout.
No way, no how.
Someone's going to talk to you.
Someone's going to treat you with respect.
And someone's going to ring you up every time.
None of that other crap here.
And I think flourish because of it.
People will pay more.
We don't have to put up with that.
Wal-Mart, Roosbury, Missouri.
Yep.
Awesome.
Great story, Rob.
Well, should we take our break and then come back with our nipple tweak, flicking the nuts
and the S-Cheek pie?
I can't wait.
All right.
Me neither.
I got some good ones.
I want to wait for them to have two rounds just to tell you how.
Oh, I had to throw people away too.
Maybe we'll do it on the next podcast too.
We'll see.
Okay.
I mean, I've got two people I had to come up with someone better or who I think is better.
So all right, we'll be right back, guys.
Have you ever wondered where something came about?
Have you ever looked at something and said, hey, I wonder what the origin of that is?
Well, so have we.
That's why we gave you The Origin of.
The Origins of Beignet.
Beignet was first made in appearance in New Orleans in the 1700s when French Creole colonists
settled the land.
According to NewOrleans.com, also known as French Arcadians, they moved to the Bayou
lands in Louisiana after they were forced from their homes in the Nova Scotia area by
the British, reports Britannica.
The apocalypse just happened.
You don't know what to do.
We can tell you what you can eat.
Okay, it's post-apocalypse and you're walking down the barren wasteland that used to be
a city.
You find an old can of beans lying in the middle of the road, but you do not have a
can opener.
What you do then is you find a patch of concrete, you rub the top of the can for five minutes,
then you go to the middle of the can and squeeze it and it should pop right open.
Please enjoy Brick Shithouse Energy Drink responsibly.
It's not readily available anywhere because of liability issues.
Brick Shithouse, a newborn ass radio kid.
It's the next generation podcast.
Tomorrow morning while grinding your coffee beans for your double mocha latte, remember
to not get your genitals caught in the grinder.
It really hurts.
Who can afford plastic surgery?
Stay safe everyone.
Two douchebags in a microphone invade your ear holes in.
Hey, who took a dump in the cooler?
Douchebags in a microphone.
I am Mark.
And I am Rob.
All right, Rob, how about if we get to our said segment here, which we do every now and
then and we're very fond of.
Yeah, we love these.
These are the best.
I'm so fond of these.
I get excited whenever I'm like, hey, you know, hey, we're going to do this.
I get excited.
I get tingly.
All right.
I can't wait.
I can't wait to come up with my list.
Well, what I like about it is they're so real.
So you come up with them quick and come up with some crazy reasons why.
Yes.
Yes, I know.
Okay, Rob.
I came up with two within 10 minutes this morning.
And you have to drop a couple of people off like me because you're like came up with so
many names and you had to pick the best of the best.
No, no, they're not dropped off.
I got to save for our next round.
I got two rounds.
Me too.
I'm pretty sure these ones are going to be on the next round.
So anyhow, maybe we ought to do the Olympics of these guys, the nipple tweak and the flick
of my god.
You know what?
First things first.
We got to we got to keep going with our hair.
We got to do this one.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, okay, go ahead.
I'm putting my hand over the other where it's written.
There you go.
Okay, my first one.
My Netflix.
Shaquille O'Neal.
Oh, and the thing is, is you wouldn't have to bow down.
All you'd have to do, you wouldn't have to bend over to nut flicking.
You just like be eye level and flicking.
He's so tall.
Right?
Well, here's my theory.
Okay.
He's so tall and I'm so damn short.
I can nut flicking run through his legs laughing my ass off and be gone.
Okay Rob, I can't argue that.
That's that.
That is actually.
Hey, hey, hey, with Shaquille O'Neal's personality, he might actually get a kick out of that.
Yeah, he might.
Oh, man.
If you watch these, yeah, he might get a kick out of it.
This guy flicking me in the balls.
Ha ha.
Yeah, that's true.
Yeah.
Yep.
And then I'd ask him for his Aristotle recipe to his big chicken.
Oh, that shit is good.
I have dreams about that.
The Aristotle sandwich from Shaq's big chicken.
Anyhow, go ahead.
Okay, my next one, my nipple yank.
Okay.
Fluffy, Gabriel Iglesias.
I just want to come out and put on, hit that stage, yank his nipples, run off.
I imagine that when you said that.
I imagine you run up there and go ee ee ee and then fucking take it off.
And I can see him like with the microphone.
And me being small and fat.
Yeah, you know, he'd be like.
It's going to come in specially handy on my next one.
Oh, okay.
All right.
Can't wait to hear this guy.
But yeah, Fluffy would be funny, man.
He would be.
Okay, next up.
We've been talking so much wrestling lately.
Do you remember Rikishi?
The king of the ass match.
He'd have somebody in a corner and just come on out.
Yeah, it's the Husos dad is who it is.
Oh, okay.
I didn't know.
Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's the Husos dad.
Yeah.
I remember seeing the Husos dad.
I had no idea, but wow, okay.
Yeah, he had that ass slam where he had somebody in the corner, slamming his ass in.
Yeah.
Well, here's what, here's the thought I had today.
Okay.
After he ass slams that person.
Uh-huh.
He gets up, he's dealing with the crowd, you know.
Uh-huh.
I come up, sneak in the ring, and fight for keys.
Yeah.
and bite Rikishi right on his ass and get that hell out of him.
Very, very, very fast.
And there's no way that big fucker's catching you.
No way.
Well, that's what I'm saying.
I might make a quick...
Yeah, you just let it...
He's got a big boy get to his hands on me, I'm done.
Oh, that's the thing right there.
If you keep away from...
Or what would be funny, he might think the dude he just ass-smashed did it.
Oh, he may have, and then he's going to cream it even more.
So that's his stick-up bite, yeah.
When he's slamming the guy in the turnbuckle in the corner, right, with his ass.
You just reach up there and go...
He may not even feel it, Rob.
He may not.
Yeah, he may just be like,
man, I wish they'd fucking spray this place for mosquitoes.
But that would be funny if somebody stick up bite him on the ass after that.
You would be a legend, Rob.
They would hunt you down and they would do interviews with you and go...
And on tonight's show, it would be like Jimmy Kimmel or Jimmy Fallon.
We have the ass-biter.
Oh, hell, I'd be saying hell no.
I don't know what the hell you'd talk about.
That wasn't me.
No, no, that was not me.
You better talk to somebody else.
Yeah, like you'd be famous like what's his name, Bart.
The guy that caught the ball in Chicago for the Cubs.
Yeah.
And anyhow, he interfered.
So the guy took him.
I forgot, it was during the playoffs.
Steve Bartman, I think, was his name.
And he had got death threats and everything.
You remember that when it happened?
It's quite a while ago.
Yeah, I do.
In the 90s, maybe.
Yeah, Steve Bartman kind of had to go on the run.
But you would have the opposite.
People would be like hailing you.
And they'd be like, oh, yeah.
Hey, isn't that the ass-biter right there?
Yeah, it is. Hey, man, let's go talk to him.
Dude, what does ass feel like when you took a chunk out of it?
They'd be having their kids take pictures with you.
Hey, who's this?
Who's little junior with?
Oh, that's the ass-biter.
Oh, really?
That's the guy that bit his ass.
Wow.
Yeah, he's known for being on two douchebags and a microphone.
Yeah, they interviewed him.
As a matter of fact, he's the third douchebag now.
But they refused to change the name because they're idiots.
All right, well, we are going to go to mine, I guess, right?
Yeah, yeah, I can't wait.
All right, I'm flicking the nuts.
This guy's a performer.
And I'm like you.
I envision the same thing.
I run through the crowd.
I make my way through it.
I sneak up.
I jump up.
Right, an old fucking nutsicle.
And then I run off.
And the victim of this crime shall be weird Al Yankovic.
Wouldn't it be great just to flick his nut and just have him eat it?
Eat it.
Or whatever the hell he's singing.
I forgot the other songs.
He's got millions of them.
Yeah, yeah, and then see what he does.
Be like, ladies and gentlemen, man, I just had someone hit me in the balls.
Yeah, hey.
I can see him making sport of it and be a big thing.
And then it would be on TMZ and Entertainment Tonight.
Now the special, the nut flick on Weird Al.
And they show a slow motion of me running up there with my tongue out like Charlie Brown style.
They show me sneaking around.
They see me dive on the stage, crack his ball and take off.
That'd be great.
It'd be legendary.
Of course it'd be Charlie Brown style.
Yes, it would.
I'd have my tongue out and everything.
All right, next one.
The nipple tweak goes to his old saggy flabby boobs, Bob Seeger.
I go up there and I tweak his nipples.
I didn't try to tie him together because I hang so low.
Yeah, he gets a nipple tweak because he deserves it.
Working on the night.
Yeah, you imagine how saggy those things are.
Oh, I can imagine.
Oh, yeah, just wrinkles, a big bag of wrinkles with a fucking nipple on it.
All right, and then the ass cheek bite goes to someone you may know.
I don't know, Rob, because you did do things in this area and you may have met him.
I don't know.
Yakov Smirnov, he gets the ass cheek bite.
That would be funny.
Yes, it would.
Oh, for that stupid laughing.
If he was on stage, yeah, that would be hilarious.
Yeah, all of this is funny.
All of this is insane.
I know exactly who you're talking about.
Yeah, yeah, you'll laugh your yak off.
I've watched too many of his commercials.
I don't think he does a show anymore, but he has a theater in Branson.
I believe he still does.
I don't know.
And I think he's doing a thing or two in Springfield, I think.
Oh, is he?
Okay.
On occasion.
I'll give him in Springfield because I'm afraid to go to Branson.
He has too many friends there.
I'll go to Springfield and take a little nip out of his ass.
Anyhow, this is all playful.
This is not mean-spirited at all.
This is just...
Yeah, this is all fun.
This is all fun and games.
Yeah, fun and games.
We do this because we like the people, not because we want to be hurt them intentionally
or just be an asshole.
We legitimately like them.
Anyhow, all right, man.
We both have good words.
Yeah, that's what we have ass paddling for, is the people we don't like.
The people we don't like, they get ass paddled, yes.
Yep.
These people get nipple yanks, ass cheek bites, and yeah.
Yep.
They get...
Yeah, I mean, it's done and fun.
The ass paddling is not done and fun.
They really get their ass paddled, and the bare-ass paddling is brutal.
Yeah, they do.
We have a lot of fun.
We have Old Sparky, my principal in high school.
Yeah.
Yeah, you had an Old Sparky too with the holes in it?
Oh, yeah, well, if you remember, I got it right here.
Oh, yeah?
I got my old principals right here too.
That's what we do it with.
I got Old Sparky, and what was your name of your paddle?
Were they all Old Sparky?
Genesis.
Oh, Genesis.
The beginning.
Yeah, because that motherfucker, yeah, it would send you out of space.
Oh, that's awesome.
If somebody's hurt, then...
No.
The paddle was named Old Sparky because they made it the equivalent to get it electrocuted,
you know, to death.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
So we called it Old Sparky kind of as a ha-ha, so, but anyhow, if you got Old Sparky...
Well, it's like we called it Genesis because that's how they knocked you into outer space.
That's awesome.
All right.
And it was in the 80s.
That's why they had the name Genesis because it was in the 80s.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
An Old Sparky, I mean, I imagine there's probably still paddles.
No, they don't paddle anymore.
All right, forget it.
Yeah, you can't do it legally anymore.
No.
But we can because nobody can see us.
That's right.
That's why we were granted by the Genie one wish.
They don't do three wishes like we thought, and all we get is once a month,
we get to turn invisible to paddle people's asses, and we love it.
So, anyhow, Rob, should we go to the hairy asshole Olympics?
You want to go into it now?
Yeah, why not?
All right.
Okay. All right.
You got them available?
You got them ready?
I'll get them right here in front of me.
All right, Rob.
Go ahead and pit these guys off against each other.
And I'll go ahead and explain it here real quick.
In case you haven't been listening to the program for very long and you don't know this,
we have the hairy asshole Olympics, which we're getting ready to go into.
Okay, the hairy asshole Olympics is simply our discussion and our theory
of who would have the most asshole hairs.
We break it down when we pit the two people against each other.
We come up with a clear cut winner.
Like sometimes an athlete that's really hairy, we go ahead and decline it
because they couldn't wear a jock strap with all the hair.
We determine that.
Right.
Yeah, so we're like, okay, that guy is a linebacker.
He can't have a hairy asshole because he'll get stuck in his jock strap.
So he's out.
Now that Jason Kelsey is not on the football team anymore,
he's probably the winner in a lot of ways.
Yeah, we could bring him back.
Oh my God, he could win this thing now.
Yeah, we took him out because we thought for sure he would have to.
Football season jock strap, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
So he would have to trim at least if not do something else.
Now we got him.
Yeah, so now he doesn't care.
He's not playing.
He's retired.
So I bet his asshole game is strong.
So, okay, Rob, let's go ahead.
Well, he's still growing it back.
So he'll be ready to go next round.
Oh, yeah, yeah, that's right.
Yeah, it takes a little bit to grow back, but I'm confident.
Yeah.
He will have a full asshole of hairs by the next time we get to him.
So, okay, tonight is season four, episode three.
I don't know, episode four, season four, episode four.
Yeah.
Tonight we are finalizing this thing.
Okay, sounds good to me.
We're going to have a one on one.
Okay.
And the winner of that one takes on another one that moves on to season three.
Another one that moves on to a three man battle royal.
Okay.
You've been wanting to battle a royal, let's have one.
Yes, yes, I have.
Okay, first up, Isaac Galifianakis versus your saved Chris Stapleton.
Wow.
Okay.
Zack is not in very many movies anymore, so he probably lets that stuff just go crazy
because he's not on a hot movie set.
Chris Stapleton probably gets very hot up there performing.
I don't know.
What do you think?
I'm kind of going towards.
Honestly, Chris is a good old boy.
He's used to suffering with it.
I don't think he's yet, no.
He's dealing with it.
I've got to give this to your man, Chris Stapleton.
All right.
You know what?
It's really close on me.
I do.
Okay.
He's a hairy dude.
He is.
Oh my God.
Yeah.
And he's got long hair too.
Yeah. You know what? You're right.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
All right. Chris Stapleton wins that.
Okay. Now, Chris Stapleton
is up against Bullwinkle.
Oh, wow.
Okay. Bullwinkle is a moose, right?
Right.
Okay. Let me go to Google images.
Let me look at a moose and I'll tell you who my winner is.
Okay. All right.
Personally, I don't think that mooses don't white.
Yeah, that's true.
So it would be all fucking stuck up in there.
Jingleberries everywhere.
I am now looking at a image of a moose.
You're looking at a moose.
Okay.
Okay. Let's see here.
Man, they don't show their assholes though.
Fuckers.
Damn it.
You can never get a moose's asshole when you need one.
I can't come up with anything clear cut because there's no moose's asshole.
All these hundreds of images, not one moose's ass.
Chris Stapleton is human.
He uses toilet paper, dude.
Okay. We're going to go with Bullwinkle.
Bullwinkle, sorry.
I have no way of disproving it at all.
Okay. Well, that leads us into our final battle.
Okay.
It's going to get even more interesting.
300 images and not one moose's asshole, Rob.
So anyhow.
I mean-
If we need to act, then Bullwinkle moves on to our final round.
You know what?
You know how radio shows take little bits and cut them out.
I needed to mark that.
300 images and not one moose's asshole.
That would be a great thing to just put in everywhere.
Okay. Anyhow, go ahead.
Let's make that go viral.
Isn't that the Nutflick guy too?
Yeah, I think it is. All right.
Oh my God, dude. All right.
So we go on to this year's finale.
This season's finale.
We already know we have Bullwinkle.
We also have Duluth the Trading Guy.
Now that's a tough one.
Yeah. Now I'm really sold on the Duluth Trading Guy.
That guy is hairy as fuck and he has to wear special briefs
because of it.
And they talk about it on the ad.
So that guy's got to have one hell of an asshole game going on.
Asshole hair game. So and that guy, he's a lumberjack looking guy.
I don't think he bothers to wipe, do you?
No.
No, he just lets it fucking dry and flake off, I think.
So I don't know, man. It's tough.
Rob, you got an edge towards either one?
No, at this point, because I'm still looking at your other one.
We have one more to enter this competition.
Oh yeah. You know what?
Yeah, I'm looking at that.
Let's go ahead and go.
I'm looking at the main picture. I'm like, oh my God, dude.
Let's go ahead and go with Bullwinkle then.
And then we'll put my guy against your guy.
And just because it's so close and we can't really prove or disprove anything.
So let's just go ahead and send Bullwinkle on.
And now remember, we can.
No, no, no, no. This is a three-man battle royale.
Oh, that's right. Hang on.
For the championship.
That's right. I forgot we're that far.
Okay.
Yeah, yeah.
Go ahead and enter him, sir.
We have Duluth versus Bullwinkle versus one more.
Your Sasquatch.
I got to give it to Sasquatch.
We know he's got a hairy asshole.
And I don't think he wipes very well.
I don't know if he even wipes.
And he also gets into garbage, which would make him probably give him the runs.
So he would have drippy diarrhea stuck to his asshole hairs at any given time.
So I got to give it to Sasquatch.
Okay, can I ask you something?
Yes.
Oh, I feel like Duluth's out of this one.
He is. He is.
Okay.
Here's my question.
Okay.
Is there a possible chance Sasquatch would pick up a leaf and wipe?
I don't know.
Is supposedly parhuman or whatever?
I guess he could. I guess he could.
Do you think he might pick up a leaf and wipe?
He might.
Do we have any evidence?
You know Bullwinkle ain't going to.
No.
Hey.
Yeah?
Do you want to send this one to Tulsa?
Yes.
That's it right there.
Because each one.
Bullwinkle or Sasquatch?
You see.
He has to lift the door battles here.
You see what I see is, is Sasquatch is kind of like he grabs whatever food he can, right?
Yeah.
Okay.
So I see him getting into camper's garbage that's been laying around, right?
Which would give him the runs.
And I'm thinking the runs and he can't really do anything about the runs.
I mean you know he'll try to wipe but he'll just smear everywhere.
So that's my thought on that.
We will send it to Topher.
Oh so that would make it nastier because he wouldn't get it all off.
Yeah that's my thought.
So let's send it to Topher.
I'm not going to mention anything about what we discussed and he can figure it out on his own.
He knows how to break down you know he knows how to break down problems such as this.
And he will get back with it.
And he will get back with this.
All right you got it man.
Spit shake?
I'm thinking I'm adding towards you but yeah let's let Topher.
Let's get Topher.
Let's figure it out okay.
Spit shake?
All right there we go.
All right that being said let's take our second break and come back with more fun stuff.
Sounds like fun.
And now a brand new feature strange insults from an alien.
May your mother come to talk to you and then leave your door slightly ajar
so that you may have to get up and close it.
Hey look I think we found land.
Oh my god I think we're safe.
Oh no it's the island of horrible jokes.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth then it's a soap opera.
Next up things overheard in hell.
Well that new handsome CD is just a laptop.
Now it's time for pick up lines from a loser.
You look so familiar.
Didn't we have a class together?
I could have swore we had chemistry.
And now deep thoughts with Mark.
Is a pop tart a ravioli or is it a sandwich?
I may never know.
Somewhere in the heavens your great Grammy Gertrude is a
crying because her little b-boy was listening to this film.
Oh shit what's that over there?
Oh no it's the island of horrible jokes.
A wooden shoe in my toilet.
I guess it was clogged.
Two douchebags in a microphone raw and uncensored.
See behind the smoke show.
Watch as the douchebags get stung by its awful bees.
Enjoy one of many coffee houses ordering our heroes out.
Watch Mark revisit Clinton, Missouri to claim his innocence for all the mad shitter accusations.
Act now and get both high quality DVD sets and a free douchebag calendar.
Mark off the day with a douchebag looking at you.
Supplies are limited so act now.
Once again it's time for ramblings of a madman.
I believe Congress needs to synchronize cat dance for 20 minutes before each session.
Next that needs to happen.
Two douchebags and a microphone.
Next time you take a dump listen to two douchebags and a microphone.
It's been proven in laboratory rats to relax your anal canal.
Please remember to go to Cole's dressing room wait five minutes and scream hey there's no toilet paper in here.
Two douchebags and a microphone you did not get rid of us on Mark.
And I am unfortunately Rob.
I've got a story here I'm trying to figure out which one I want to do I've got an older story.
Oh yeah I got so many I'm like oh my god which one.
I think I know which one I'm gonna go with.
I think I know which one I'm gonna go with too.
I have alternative insults but I mean I think maybe we should say that till the next uh
the next podcast we already had the hairy asshole Olympics.
Well we already had the nipple tweak and the ass cheek bite.
Yeah yeah we got yeah we got a little vulgar.
Yeah so keeping in the tradition of what the show has been an Overland man which is a um
a suburb of St. Louis not Overland Park the Overland I know you know it Rob so.
Yeah yeah I know what it's like.
An Overland man is currently in the St. Louis County Jail accused of stealing more than $1,500 worth of money.
Worth of vibrators from the Hustler Hollywood store in Berkeley or Berkeley.
Oh my god.
So police.
I think you have top story tonight.
Yes Berkeley is that on the Illinois side.
Uh I don't know.
Berkeley only with an extra E-L in it.
I would say it's Berkeley but I don't know for sure.
Um I don't recall it being on the Missouri side at all but I don't know you know there could be some township in there.
Or maybe this is it doesn't really clarify Berkeley so anyhow police say.
Okay there is a Berkeley Illinois.
Okay then that's good.
I'm trying to pull up the map to find out where it's at.
Okay.
Okay um well anyhow while you're doing that police say that Christopher Booth 34 entered the store one Wednesday evening last month.
And took eight high end vibrators from the shelves and shoved them in a white trash bag before fleeing.
Booth allegedly stole vibrators made by Swedish sex toy company Lilo that retail for a little less than $200 each.
And did you come up with a conclusion on Berkeley?
Uh well this Berkeley Illinois is outside Chicago.
Oh then well I don't know.
That's probably not the right one.
Yeah he's.
Let me do another search see if I can come up with a Berkeley Missouri.
Okay let me see here.
Oh I know yeah we do have a Berkeley Missouri.
Okay then that's what is it over there.
St. Louis County yes you're correct St. Louis County.
Okay and it is pronounced Berkeley actually.
Yeah B-E-R-E-K-E-L-Y.
Yeah I don't know how I got Berkeley.
Uh anyhow it's Berkeley.
Uh okay Berkeley Missouri I guess.
So um anyhow well he's looking uh he's looking to try to clear his name which I don't think he's going to in the court of law.
Rob we turn to you for the next story.
Uh where was I going to go here?
Oh.
You know how you learn something every day.
I had no idea.
Exactly and you're kind of blowing me away that's why I'm kind of lost tonight.
Oh sorry.
I keep coming up with all this new stuff like wow really.
Um I get creative first.
I had no idea ever that Berkeley was spelled like that with the extra E-L.
You see I.
Yeah me either.
That's not how I would have spelled it so yeah and I guess there's no reason for me to know that so I don't feel too bad about not knowing that.
So anyhow.
Okay yeah I got a story here and yeah I'm going totally different here.
Okay.
Uh Missouri legislation would require anyone performing repairs or maintenance on a vehicle to verify that the vehicle has current registration prior to engaging in the work.
Wow.
The the bill HB 1507 would require repairs to refuse work on the vehicle if registration is not current.
No shit.
Yeah let me finish this and I want to get your opinion on it.
Okay go ahead.
Uh a business could be fined up to three hundred dollars for failure to comply with the law if the bill is passed.
The bill is refiled in the house by representative Gretchen Bangert Democrat District 70 whatever.
Bangert said shops she spoke to didn't want to be associated with crime.
Uh-huh and our name owner of Columbia Auto Repair in South City told KY3 about 10 percent of its customers have expired tags.
He told the TV station he's worried it would impact drivers already struggling to pay the bills.
Yeah.
Oh whatever you.
You can take this anywhere I just know where I want to take it.
Okay I think it is highly unfair because people sometimes they don't have the money to get current
registration and how do they get the money by going to work.
How are they going to go to work if their car is broken and can't be fixed.
I think it's a bullshit law and I think it's against people's civil rights honestly.
Yeah I agree with that.
Yeah.
Yeah I think that's.
What about those people that just buy vehicles that want to put them in the shop
to get a bit so they can restaurant legalize it.
Absolutely there's so many different facets you just brought up a great point I didn't think of.
People do buy broke down vehicles and they can't get them registered until the work is done on them.
And me I'm thinking of some of the poor people that I know and how they just go they just edge
by everything just barely they find a way to make it you know and look anyone could say hey you had
too many kids for your own bank account or something things happen things happen it's not
just people that were irresponsible no things happen to good people all the time medical bills
whatever house burns down insurance wouldn't pay for it stuff like that happens all the damn time.
So the thing is is to nice to deny someone to fix their vehicle and give them the ability to feed
their family is criminal to me it is immoral and it should never happen and I hope they rethink
this law because this law won't help anything it's going to hurt a lot of things so.
Yeah it honestly I mean you know you have some shop saying yeah we don't want to work on these
things but they have been well guess what they've been paying your damn bills dude.
Yeah yeah oh and shops too. And now you want to give them up.
And shops also. Give them up a paycheck. What's going to happen is is people aren't going to be
taking their cars to the dealers anymore anything they're going to take it to Tony's garage over on
the corner because Tony's garage. Yeah it's going to be corner garages because the big garages
well actually if this goes through even Tony down the corner is going to have to watch it.
Well he's got to be careful it's just like the wink wink nudge nudge inspections.
Right right. Yeah it's got to be the same thing because I do know someone
that had their license taken away. No this ain't just for inspection this is just to work on the car.
Oh no what I'm saying is you know how people kind of get a inspection you know kind of.
Well I know a guy that had his license taken away because he did inspections that were you know that
he didn't check everything he's supposed to. So they do check on that I don't know if someone
turned him in or whatever but they do check on that. So they would probably check on vehicles
being registered they probably have like goon hounds coming in somewhere going hey let's see
every car you work in let's see the registration let's see a copy of it.
And what about cars that have liens on them you're paying Wells Fargo or something what about that?
Yeah but you could still go get them tagged. Yeah that's true okay all right I over thought it.
That's what they're worried about is the ones that aren't even registered with the state.
Okay. But like I said you got the people that were just buying cars that need work done to them
before they can be legalized. Yeah yeah in other words the state wants you to register
to spend money to register them before you even get them running. Yeah we are both on the same page
for a variation of reasons we have a whole pile of reasons why this is not good at all. We both
disagree with this bill. Yeah I hope it doesn't go through and I hope some of the people that are the
community heads the community organizers the uh oh what do they call them um the people that go
there and uh oh shit I forgot the name of them anyhow they go there and either support or not
support for um lobbyists. You know they need to send some lobbyists over there to get after this
bill and bring awareness to it too because I guarantee you I would think 90 at least 90 percent
of people would disagree with this law and not just kinda but by a lot so they need to have some
lobbyists bring some attention to this probably and other than that I have no use for lobbyists.
So yeah all right all right Rob I got a couple of questions for you okay they're off the wall
but I'm gonna answer oh they're off the wall I might have an answer we'll see how I am. Okay um
my first one is is this and we're gonna do this periodically this is kind of like Mark's thoughts
or something this is the very beginning of Mark's weird thoughts okay and this is shit that's in my
mind that I think of and I'm just gonna start throwing them to Rob and see what Rob thinks of
them and they're not gonna be promos they're gonna be live on here yeah yeah they're just like this
I'm asking I'm asking because this is the first I've heard of this okay yeah I wanted to throw it on
you like that sorry okay if Rob's sitting there doing the RCA Victor look then I guess I failed
but if Rob goes oh my god I never thought of that then I guess I won so okay my number one
you remember Crisco in a can yeah okay it was whipped white remember it's like real fluffy
looking yeah okay do you ever look at that and think that looked like it was delicious
I did I thought it looked like whipped cream
Rob at a younger age yeah yeah you did didn't you yes did you ever take your finger especially when
they you're talking about like the one big the one pound cans yeah the one pound cans they used to
sell and they were just pretty white fluffy on yeah it looked delicious now do you remember
I was but I was an early teenager just remember oh man I was in grade school I was in little bitty
short pants okay yeah I mean yeah even back yeah we're talking 70s and it they used to have it
around the 80s oh in my well they still have it actually you can find it yeah they still had the
big round cans yeah but it was really popular it was really popular back then every every damn
house had a can of that and they fried their chicken with it on Sunday or they you know
whatever they did they fried with it okay and then it kind of fell out of favor because of the fat
content and all that stuff and and you know and then it went to a hydrogenated oil that was
supposed to be better for you but was not um okay did you ever take your finger and just wipe some
of that and try to taste it and it was horrible honestly I probably did me too me too
second one that's why I said probably because it's probably a memory I don't want to remember
but I yeah you're talking about I guarantee you I did it I just barely remember and it was like
really close to the time that I touched a hot stove the hot coils you know my mom told me not
to touch hot coil yeah yeah I would have been about that and I think somewhere in that time frame
about that age is when I went over to crisco and my mom told me don't touch it it's uh it's horrible
and I went over there and took a lick anyhow and I was very sorry that I did and of course my mom
didn't need to punish me because I punished myself so um okay all right we got that established so
the next one I have is okay all the all the times when you know growing up from a teenager or maybe
even grade school okay all the people you thought that were going to die before other people right
and you kind of have a little system in your head oh man he said me something he's going to die soon
and then a young person gets cancer or car wreck or something and they die before them right
okay and it leaves you scratching your head and then at the end of the day like right now you
could go back and do a tally and it's about 50 50 between old people and young people and things
that could happen to them like old people like they're just old and their body gives out their
heart gives out their organ failure whatever and then young people um uh like uh I knew a guy that
got ran over by a truck you know because he was stranded on the highway I never thought he was
going to die like that and I never thought he was going to die that soon um I remember a couple of
kids that I went to school with were having a little graduation ceremony and had a little bit
too many of this and that in their system crossed 71 highway and hit a truck head-on and he probably
remember that it was uh it was right before the y highway exit in belton on 71 or 49 it wasn't 49
back there there's been many accidents you know what you're there's been many accidents yeah that's
right I can't count the accidents around that area back then there were two teenagers that I didn't
think were going to die for a long time never even put them on the register and I was counting like
the old people around there the ones that I really loved you know talking to them like man they're
probably gonna be gone soon and then at the end of the day they outlived the younger ones by 20
some years okay all right so what I'm saying on this bin set is does heaven have lottery balls up
there does god have lottery balls he's just like okay let me go ahead and throw this one out
oh boy little Billy's gonna get it man struck by lightning okay all right take Billy's ball out of
there all right he's got to die that's it I see where you're going with this yeah the only thing
I can think of is is it's lottery balls and I'm not making fun of God this is not blasphemy I
believe in God wholeheartedly Jesus you know but it doesn't it seem like they have lottery balls
and they just throw them down and it's not what happens but it this is just my weird imagination
going to work on me right so I imagine they're lottery balls and like little Billy gets it
because his number came up your thoughts okay all right in the supposedly supposedly in the Bible
everybody's story is written okay so there would not be you're right you're right so when you're
born they already know when you're going to die you're right it does say that okay so there would
not be lottery that's why I'm going to kind of agree with you on the lottery ball theory here
I really am oh okay so you think it's done when you're born the lottery ball yeah yeah I mean
supposedly in the Bible we don't we don't like going on religion and politics but we're going
to touch on this a little bit this is my weird thought segment and get used to it there's going
to be stuff like this all the time yeah well this is going to help me explain your weird thought here
okay please do please do it does say that you know so I could see where you're coming with that
so yeah everybody's story's written yeah so yeah at this point we're kind of like
water balls because we all know the story rob thank you you just broke it down and
that's what I come up with too that's lottery ball that's the things we do yeah you know I mean at
the end of the day like maybe you go to heaven you're like oh my god I'm glad you got me off
that earth so soon thank you so yeah you know what that's okay thank you rob all right now
well we are well over an hour the question is do we want to keep going or you got to work in the
morning don't you yeah I gotta go back tomorrow for another four days at least all right well no
later in the week whether we go back five but it's nothing we're gonna be at four okay you know what
rob I you know it might be a blessing in disguise you can get your own gig going you know don't get
a chainsaw this is storm season actually uh I'm trying working on something else see we talked
about that before we went on there necessity is the mother of adventure it has not doing money
oh okay okay well anyhow what I'm saying is it's a personal issue that I'm taking it's a good one
if it doesn't be a good one okay good good if it works out we'll see well I hope it does
I do too okay all right well that being said I guess we're going to go put a bow on this and
like neatly stack it in the corner does that sound good sounds good besides my phone's about to die
so hi grandma opal hi jimmy hi grandma hi jimmy love you guys dodge city kansas woo woo matt dillon
all right man thank you assholes have a good night
I know you never woo them
rob have a good night thank you assholes good night assholes
oh no looks like the show's over kids mark has explosive diarrhea and can't afford a wireless
mic fear not assholes they'll be back invading your ear holes soon