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Two Deuce Bags and a Microphone.
We Talk. We Live.
Here at Two Deuce Bags and a Microphone, we don't stand behind our journalistic integrity.
Go ahead and assume we got the story wrong. At least we admit it.
Not like all those other guys, we can and will lie if it makes the story better.
Have you ever wondered what something is about? Have you ever looked at something and said, I wonder what the origin of that is?
Well, so have we. That's why we give you The Origin of...
The Origin of the Hamburger Bun.
The family of Oscar Willerby claims the first known hamburger on a bun was served on July 4th, 1891 on Grandpa Oscar's farm.
The bun was reportedly a yeast bun.
Now it's time for Pick Up Lines from a Loser.
Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk by again?
And now, deep thoughts with Mark.
Should I throw away all my socks, then only buy 30 pair of one kind of sock? Will they eventually not match up?
Hmph. I may never know.
Hello everybody, this is Two Douchebags in Microphone. I'm Mark.
And I'm Rob.
Hey, thanks for joining us this evening. I don't know where it's going to be. Morning, evening, night, midday, whenever you listen to us.
But thank you for listening. We have an announcement.
What did you say? It's five o'clock somewhere.
That's right. So get out the whiskey bottles. It's five o'clock somewhere.
We have an announcement, Rob.
What?
We have a new number one market. And it's not in America.
This is awesome.
Purdue Canada has broken all our records.
I've got to look up and see where Purdue is. But you guys just came out of nowhere and just smoked everybody.
Now I have to do this.
Oh, go ahead. What?
I was just asking, could that be part of your family? Talking to their friends, whatever?
Well, I don't know. Maybe. It could be, I guess. If that's the deal, that's great.
Like your cousin, you know.
I'll have to ask them if they said anything. Well, I'll find out.
But Canadians have a sense of humor like us. You know, like what you and I do. This kind of raunchy, dirty kind of...
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Yeah. So I figured if we would catch on a little bit there, there'd be a lot of people going, you know what?
This is pretty good. You need to listen to it.
So Purdue Canada is our number one market overall.
But number two market, or the number one market in America, is still Des Moines.
But Ashburn is trying to catch you guys Des Moines. They're right behind you guys.
Ashburn just sprung up out of nowhere. I believe it's North Carolina.
And Kansas City, what the hell? We love you. But man, you guys are letting off the pedal there.
Yeah. Okay.
Yeah, we're just ramping up and you guys are letting off.
Yeah. Yeah. What the hell? We live in Kansas City. We know there's not that good of radio here.
So, no, actually, Kansas City has really, really does have some solid radio.
Yeah. Yeah.
Anyhow, Rob, my first thing I'm going to get to is, you know what a secret meal is?
Oh.
Okay. A secret meal is a meal that someone, okay, your family's all around, right?
And it's a meal that you grab, but you don't want anyone to know that you ate. Okay?
Oh, okay. Okay. I see. Yeah.
Yeah. Like it could be a pint of ice cream to, I don't know, whatever, a cheeseburger or something like that.
Well, they did a study. A study revealed that 40% of people that live with other people or family members have a secret meal.
This is a meal that they sneak in and might want to eat in private.
Sometimes it's because the meal might be horrible junk food or might not want to look like they didn't like the food they had at lunch or dinner.
So, you see, I've done all of this. Have you?
Yeah. Yeah.
I've been somewhere and like.
I admit it.
Yeah, me too. And it's like something like fake cod or something.
And I have to go, oh, man, my stomach hurts. I can't eat. Thank you, though.
And then I sneak in a meal later. I've done that before.
And then sometimes I was just hungry. I'm like, man, I'm going to look like a pig.
I'm just going to run by this Burger King here and fucking grab a sandwich and then I'll go home and I'll eat there too or whatever.
Some of the most. Yeah. Yeah. But getting that sandwich fills me up.
Yeah, me too. I've done that before.
And then I can't eat dinner and everybody's like, gee, I don't know. I just don't feel like it.
I just don't feel like it. I've done that too. You're not going to admit. You're not going to fess up to good-bye and getting a burger.
Especially to your wife.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Man, they had a bunch of food at work, man.
It was like somebody some big wigs birthday.
They had pizzas, mac and cheese and fucking ham hock or whatever.
So some of the most popular secret meals are TV dinners.
Mac and cheese. Sandwiches and pasta.
That all sounds reasonable, doesn't it?
Yeah. Honestly, I could see sandwiches being number one because they're quicker and easier to make.
Well, I don't think this was in any order. Just said some of the secret meals.
It said some of the secret meals are TV dinners, mac and cheese.
Okay. 50 percent of people admit to going to a drive-thru and having a secret meal there on the way home or running errands.
Guilty, guilty, guilty. Yep. Yep.
People that were polled said they like to indulge in a good fast food item that maybe their partner may look down on or just hungry and didn't want to appear like a glutton.
Done that.
I have a different reason.
For now, Val will make something that I didn't like or enjoy like seafood. So I don't want to interrupt the meal that was planned by going, I don't like seafood so don't make it.
So I'll run by Whataburger and grab a delicious number two.
And then that way she can have her seafood that she loves and I'll be fine.
I'm like, yeah, I'm okay, man. Go ahead and eat that baked cod. I'm sure it's delicious.
Baked.
And that's me. I hate seafood.
Hey, hey, don't go. When I come up, I'll eat seafood with her.
I don't care. I'll eat seafood with her.
I'm glad someone is. It's not me.
Okay, so then, you know, then whenever I get home, what I would do is a good old light salad gimmick.
Like, no, man, I'm just not real hungry, man. I'll just make me a little light salad.
And then that way, you know, you're already full. You throw a little salad in you. It looks like you ate.
So there's no suspicion. Like, maybe you grabbed a secret meal, right?
Right. Yeah. And I go, well, why don't you eat? I'm going to eat a salad, man.
God, you know, I had everything on it, man. It filled me up.
So, you know, I look good and Val doesn't have to make two meals a day.
That's why I look at it. You know? Yeah. Yeah.
It's kind of a, I don't want to be a burden type of deal. So.
Because if she makes that second meal and then you don't eat it, then she's going to be pissed.
Exactly. Yeah.
You know what? It's just easier like that. And I have an excuse to go grab a Whataburger, right?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yep. Yep. I love the number twos, but I'll tell you what.
They have a whatever you want deal at Whataburger. You tell them what you want them to put on it, right?
And they do. They make it right there when you, one of the big deals about it is it's fresh.
Nothing's frozen. And anyhow, have you been to one before?
No, no, I have not.
Okay. Well, it's fresh and they cook it to order. So it's going to take a couple minutes extra.
And in like McDonald's where they, you know, they go the warmer, grab a couple of cheeseburgers and throw it in the bag.
So what they do is they cook it to order. But I'll tell you what, I like the number two where the mustard, onions, lettuce.
That's really good. But I tried it Whopper style the last time I went there and it was really good too.
So I'm going to be in a dilemma next time I'm in the Whataburger drive-through.
I wonder if they could do a half and half. Half of it gets mayonnaise and ketchup. The other half gets mustard.
Wow. Yeah. That'd be cool.
Yeah. Yeah. Tell them slice it in half. Throw them a couple of chips on it.
You can do a half and half pizza. Why not?
Yeah. Yeah. Yep.
Half and half burger?
Yeah. There we go. Problem solved. Ingenuity at its finest, right?
Always.
All right. Rob, you have something you want to go into.
Yeah, I do. This is a story I've been holding on to for a while.
Okay.
And it's kind of informative.
Okay.
There are some practices you might see officers engaging in on cop shows and wonder whether the real life police do the same.
Okay.
The tail light touch is one example of an action they really did and do before. You know what I'm talking about?
They come up behind the vehicle and they'll touch the tail lights or they'll touch the trunk.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Why is that? Is there a reason behind that?
I'm about to explain that to you.
When a traffic stop, the officer will first request that they give a vehicle pull over.
According to the Cornell Law School, they may do so if they have reasonable suspicion that, for instance, the driver doesn't have the proper documentation or if there's been a traffic offense.
Mm-hmm.
Exiting their own vehicles and approaching the driver, they may touch the back of the vehicle in question.
Trooper Steve Montario of Quick Orlando's Ask Trooper Steve series explains the twofold reason for this.
The simple action Montario states leaves identifying prints on the vehicle in case the driver decides to flee the scene or if something happened to that officer, it ties both the vehicle and the officer together.
Oh.
Okay. That makes sense.
I'm sorry. Go ahead. But, wow.
In addition to that, it's a quick security check in another way.
Just as you might tap the refrigerator door that you pass to ensure you remember you fully closed it the last time.
Mm-hmm.
Montario explains in this context, you might want to make sure that no one is about to jump out of the trunk and that it's properly secured.
Wow.
So, see that explains why they touched the taillights and the trunk. Yeah. And they do. You watch cops reload. Wow. Okay.
I never knew that. I never knew that either. It makes sense now.
I've always watched cop shows. I've seen almost every cop do it. Almost every cop's done it to my vehicle.
Uh-huh.
You know. And then I read across the story and I'm like, wow, now I know.
Thank you, Rob. That's a great story. I mean, I would have never known any of that until you brought it up. Okay.
I'm trying to be informative, my friend.
Yeah, you did a great job and that was pretty cool. Rob, you ever hear of Jazz Sabbath?
Yes, I have.
You have? Okay.
I've heard of them. I've never listened to them.
Well, there's a Mack Sabbath. There's a Zack Sabbath. Mack Sabbath is called, you know, there are McDonald characters like Grimace and Ronald McDonald all been playing.
Right.
Old Sabbath tunes. And then Zack Sabbath is Zack Wild playing old Sabbath tunes.
Right.
Well, Jazz Sabbath is kind of an up-and-coming thing that's been going on.
No, I'm serious. I have heard of that. Jazz Sabbath. I've heard of it.
I've never heard of them until I saw this article on it.
What?
And I heard some of it and it's really good. I like it. It's like a brass instruments playing Sabbath.
It's pretty cool. So the songs they cover are The Wall of Sleep, Rat Salad,
Children of the Grave, Fairies Who Are Boots, Paranoid, Iron Man, Evil Woman.
Now, Evil Woman, is that, I can't remember, is that Off Mob Rules or is that an older one?
No, I think it's an older one.
Yeah.
I don't think they do any with PO.
That's awesome.
Well, all the other ones are.
Hold on, hold on. Keep reading. I got your back.
Okay, thank you. Changes, Black Sabbath, Symptom of the Universe, N.I.B.
And if anyone doesn't know what N.I.B. is an acronym for, here's what it is.
Nativity in Black. That's what it stands for.
And Orchid. Their concerts last two hours and I personally love it.
I think this is cooler than hell. And I've got another music story to go into here real quick too while we're at it.
The hard rock band KISS has sold its back catalog of songs to the Swedish music inventor,
oh, not inventor, investor, for a figure thought to be upwards of $300 million.
Yeah, that one.
Oh, did you, you have this story to you?
No, you're right, you're right. You got first, go ahead. It's yours.
Okay. Stockholm based Pop House Entertainment also bought the group's brand, likeness, and intellectual property.
They sold everything, Rob. All of it.
The sale marks the band's retirement from live performances.
This really, this, this really surprised me. The sale marks the band's retirement from live performances on their end of the road world tour.
Bob Dylan or Dylan, however you want to pronounce it, and Bruce Springsteen have also sold their back catalogs for multi-million dollar figures.
Both artists said to big music houses for about $500 million, that's all, and $450 million, that's all.
However, Pop House will not just have the rights to the music, but the entire KISS brand, including intellectual property sales,
which will allow the Swedish firm to generate future NIAI-generated content.
The people which previously collaborated with KISS on a digital avatar project in December last year also produced the ABBA Voyage concerts based on a similar principle.
KISS was founded in 1973 by lead singers Paul Stanley and Gene Simmons.
The opening lineup, which included Ace Freely, Peter Chris, became renowned for their iconic face paint.
So, you know they took in, at the last end of the road tour, right?
Right.
Okay, they finished the last concert ever at Madison Square Garden, okay, in New York, rightfully so, they should have ended it there.
Okay, so then they had that, we're not done, right?
Mm-hmm.
And then they started showing the avatars and they're going, oh, KISS is going to live on forever in AI.
So, I'm going to connect this all together now.
I want to see the Ronnie James Dio hologram at the Uptown Theater here in Kansas City.
Yeah.
They had a live band, some of the guys played with Dio before, some of them did not, and they played live music while this hologram of Ronnie James Dio was singing.
So, I'm wondering, since they sold everything and KISS probably did not want to get into holograms and all that,
I'm wondering if maybe this company, since they did the ABBA, okay, you see what I'm saying?
Yeah, see, I was going to, when I was going to do my version of this, I had two different articles I was going to bounce in between.
Do you have something to add to it, Rob?
That company sounds pretty impressive.
Oh, it is. They bought a lot of other music too.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, okay, they bought it for a reason. They didn't buy it just to sit on it.
So, I think you're going to see more KISS than ever before now, because quite frankly, I think you're going to see footage of them, but in a hologram form.
So, at least I can say this.
It will be the images of Ace Freely, Peter Criss, Paul Stanley, and Gene Simmons, I think. I mean, on something like that.
I think it's going to be the original. Yep.
Here's the only thing I think that could stop it, Rob.
I read in a couple interviews lately that Ace Freely still owns all of his brand, you know, the makeup and all that stuff, and KISS had to pay him royalties to use it, okay?
Now, when they sold their catalog, I don't believe they could sell Ace and Peter's, because I don't know.
Yeah, yeah, how could they do that?
Yeah, so Ace may be like, you know what, they'll probably go to, I don't know, well, they couldn't even put Tommy Thayer in there.
They could put Tommy Thayer's body in there, but that's still Ace Freely's intellectual property, the face paint of this spaceman.
Yeah, yeah.
So that's going to be interesting to see how that pans out, because I don't know.
I mean, you know, him owning a bit of it, I don't know how that works.
Or it could have been like they just said, hey Ace, we're selling this, they're going to cut you this much money for your brand.
And he could have been like, okay, fine, I don't care.
So, anyhow, interesting stuff.
Yeah, okay, update on Evil Woman from Black Sabbath.
Yes.
It was on Black Sabbath, Black Sabbath.
The first one, okay.
The one with the house on the water.
Yeah, and the witch looking woman there.
Yeah.
Okay, okay.
Well, then all they're doing is the Ozzie era Sabbath, and they're not going to do it. You're not going to hear Heaven and Hell.
You're not going to hear the Mob Rules.
You're not going to hear, you know, Sign of the Southern Cross.
You're not going to hear any of that stuff.
So you're just going to hear old stuff.
So, anyhow, all right, let's take our first break.
And then how about we come back with some emails, Rob?
Oh, I can't wait.
Yeah, there's some good ones in there.
I want to hear from our fans.
Yeah.
Our assholes.
Our assholes, yep.
All right, we'll be right back in a couple minutes.
Two douchebags and a microphone remind you that you'll never get this hour back.
Sorry about your luck.
What a pizza with no skin off your back.
How about John Wayne Casey's pizza?
Dad, this guy taking our order gives me the creeps.
I'm such a weirdo.
My breakfast pizza has some odd looking sausage.
Hey!
Who's a thug at my pizza?
Get a free body bag with any large combo.
Hi, all.
This is Chicago.
I am the most dangerous city in North America.
You can't touch me.
Oh, yeah?
This is Kansas City here.
Hold my beer, bitch.
Next up, Things Overheard in Hell.
Man, Axel Rose is such a great childhood therapist.
I hope he writes more books.
You need protection from fucktards.
You have people coming and fucking with you constantly.
You need answers.
You need solutions.
Smack in the nuts.
That's right.
Smack in the nuts is what you need.
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Stupid fuck sack come to me.
He talk stupid.
He no let me go.
Smell like sack of shit.
He spit talk all over.
I remember smacking balls.
I use shit sack.
Shit sack lie on ground.
I walk off.
Thank you, smack in the balls.
You saved me from smelly, smelly spit.
Well, I had this stupid son of a bitch come around me.
He would not shut his fucking yap for nothing.
He gets up on me and he talks all stupid.
And I didn't know what to do.
I could not shake this motherfucker like a burger.
Then I remember smacking the nuts.
I pulled out old smack in the nuts.
And that motherfucker went down like a sack of fucking potatoes.
Thank you, smack in the nuts.
You saved me once again from stupid motherfuckers.
Smack in the nuts.
Don't leave home without it.
The apocalypse just happened.
You don't know what to do.
You don't know where to go.
But we can tell you what you can eat.
Harry Bittercress is one of my favorite backyard wild edibles.
It's a mustard so it has that characteristic zing that all the mustards have.
It's common and distributed in areas and all parts are edible.
Eat the young tender leaves which are milder in cooler weather,
raw in salads or as an herb.
Larger leaves can be cooked.
Sweet pods are also good eaten raw and the small white flowers make a nice garnish.
Two douchebags and microphone. I'm the Mark part of it.
And I'm the Rob part of it.
Alright. Well Rob, should we get to some emails?
I can't wait to hear from our assholes.
Alright. I've got one special email that I'm going to even play after the Montrose email.
You know the weekly Montrose email that we get from them.
Oh, I can't wait to hear what them boys get to say.
Oh, they got more to say, dude. They got more to say.
Oh, I bet they do.
Well, I've got an email that I want to focus in on after we do all the other emails, Rob.
That's fine. That's fine.
Because it needs a little special attention. People need to hear this.
I take your word for it. That's for him.
Okay. Cool.
Hey D-bags. Just wanted to let you know that my shop here in St. Joe,
Blackstone Tyrum Wheel, listens every time a new show arrives.
Did you ever go there? Do you know about that?
No, I do not know them.
Okay.
I've been out of St. Joe area since about 2001, 2002.
Oh, okay.
2001 I think, yeah.
But I still have friends and family that live up around there.
Oh, maybe they go to Blackstone Tyrum. Maybe they said something.
Maybe they said, hey, two douchebags microphone. Good shit. I don't know.
Actually, my ex-wife has her Patsy Klein show out of St. Joe.
Oh, cool.
All about Patsy.
Okay. All right. Well, who knows? There might be a connection there. You might ask them.
I don't know.
Okay. Anyhow, I have a Bluetooth boombox, and when we were cleaning the shop at the end of the day, I blared the show.
Okay. Ricky in Atchison. Atchison is Kansas, isn't it?
Kansas, yeah. Atchison, Kansas.
It's pretty close. It's over on the other side of the Missouri River, isn't it?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
I know right where Atchison is.
Okay. Yeah. It's a pretty good-sized town, isn't it? That's what I thought.
Yeah, it's all right.
Okay. Okay. All right.
For Northern Kansas, yeah.
That's what I was saying. Perspective.
That is one of the bigger ones, yeah.
Yeah. Okay. Next one. Hey, guys. Have you looked at the transcripts of your show, if I could ever say that right?
Let me try that again. Hey, guys. Have you looked at the transcripts of your show? It's completely wrong all the time.
Who is the idiot that transcribes the show? And if you pay someone to, you need a full refund.
Johnny in OP. And Johnny in OP is a great listener. He chimes in here to there on emails.
I'm going to give him a call one of these days because he gave me his number, and I just want to shoot the shit with him and talk to him and maybe get some ideas.
Are you talking about what I think you're talking about?
The transcripts?
Yeah.
Okay. There is a feature on RSS that says, would you like to have this show transcribed?
Okay.
And it has a quick, a medium, and a slow. The slow is supposed to be the more accurate, and that's the one I always use.
The slow takes a couple hours, but I just hit it, hit it, and then I'll come back in a couple hours and then approve it.
Now, I didn't go through the whole show, but I knew there were some hiccups and bugs in the first part of the show, but this is a free service.
That RSS does, and it's probably AI, I bet, or something like that, that listens to the whole show and then writes it down for us.
So we don't pay anything for it, and they do it for us, and all it is a click on feature.
So I understand someone going, hey man, man, this is just a bunch of garbage or whatever, but I can't say anything.
It's free, and it's somewhat reliable. So, you know, I mean, Johnny and O.P., thank you.
You know, I'll tell you what, if it's anything too crazy, I'll just take the whole thing down, because I don't have enough time, and Rob doesn't have enough time, to transcribe the whole thing ourselves.
Right?
Right.
So if you want, you know, a written of our show, you're going to have to jot it down yourself. I'm not trying to be a dick or nothing.
It's just like we don't have the time, and the only service that does it is that, and we can't afford to pay anyone to do it, because we're not making any money.
So anyhow, Johnny...
Yeah, we're doing this for free.
Yeah. So Johnny, thank you for letting us know, but that's where we stand, man.
Yeah, thank you.
Yeah. So, alright, next one. Hey, I just wanted to tell you guys that my favorite segment, Dear Douchebags, needs more episodes. I know. I know. I know. I've been dropping the ball.
Oh, damn. We have been, definitely.
Yeah.
I have.
Well, you see, I tend to go into...
Well, we've kind of went from Dear Douchebags to email.
Yeah, it morphs into something else. It started out with Mr. Creepy, and then it was Dear Douchebags letter, and then, you know, and now it's kind of like emails.
Because when we got the email that really works, people have been responding to it, and we've been actually getting a lot of emails. So, and naturally...
And if you think about it, that's pretty much, it's pretty much the same thing.
Yeah, only this is real. This isn't written out ahead of time. You know, this is stuff that people send us, and I print them off.
The other stuff was show material. It was stuff for show, you know, because... I mean, because of the content, you can tell it's just comedy, or trying to be comedy.
Okay, so, anyhow, it says, I love that segment. Could you please bring it back? Please and thank you. Okay, you know what? I'm gonna bring...
We might, we might.
Yeah, I'll make a conscious effort to try to come up with a couple of Dear Douchebags a month.
Yeah.
Alright, and you know what?
I kinda miss them too, to be honest.
Yeah, I need to get on it. They didn't leave a name, so, and their name was not on it for me.
Thanks for bringing it to our attention, because honestly, we've moved on with so much other stuff I've forgotten about.
I mean, Jeffy X took a lot of it, because now we're doing a lot of Jeffy X stuff.
Yeah.
I mean, you know, okay, I will get back to it. The only one character, or the one segment I will not go back to is Mr. Creepy. I don't like it.
Yeah.
I don't like it. I think it's cheap and cheesy. It didn't come out the way I wanted it to, and I'm not gonna do it, because I don't think it's quality material.
And I'm not saying all our stuff is at quality or anything like that. I'm just saying that it really is not that good, and it goes in a direction that I don't like.
So the only thing you're not gonna hear ever again is Mr. Creepy. And I'm getting ready to redo all of our old shows.
May he rest in peace.
Yes. Yeah. So anyhow, you know what? I'll talk about that stuff a little bit later, because I'm gonna go through all the old shows, and I'm gonna break them up probably into segments.
Yeah, you know what? No, you know what? No, I'm not gonna do that. Actually, they're fine just like they are. Why overwork myself?
Okay. Mark, this is a mad crop duster.
Uh-huh.
Us crop dusters went on a road trip to get even with the Clinton, Missouri gas station for accusing you of being the mad shitter.
They seek revenge. They seek revenge for me.
What?
We went in and blasted everyone in that building. We didn't buy a thing.
I bet the place still smells horrible.
Okay. Crop dusters, thank you. But I'm sure the same people do not work there. And I'm pretty sure that old bastard is probably in the ground.
Otherwise, I'd go back there and smack him around a little bit for accusing me of being the mad shitter.
But I do appreciate you taking revenge. There are some innocent people right now. They're probably still gagging.
So, well, you know what? They took the hit for whoever, didn't they?
So this person is messing with you because they like you.
Yes. And that's what I thought it was.
I love them. That's how we were back in the day.
Exactly.
We met with each other because we loved each other.
Exactly. Yep.
Oh wow.
You're kinda smacking the balls from us. That meant we liked you.
Yeah, sure it hurt. But at the end of the day, you felt loved, didn't you?
How do you think the promo smacking the nuts came about?
That is it.
Look, people can't do stupid shit when they're lying on the ground holding their bag, right?
Okay, there's a little bit more here I gotta go to.
Yeah, go ahead.
Okay, as for work, we plan on destroying your nostrils soon.
We shall infect you with our foul rotten nectar soon. See ya, loser.
Just remember, Mark, it's our own love.
It is. I'm not mad.
Nobody tried to quit and to take up for you, man. Come on.
They seek revenge.
That can't be too bad. They're just messing with you.
They seek revenge on the evildoers that accuse me of being the mad shitter.
And here real quick, I'll go into it really quick.
I think most people know the story of it, but a long time ago, 95 or 96, I had sleep apnea.
And I was using a CPAP machine, then I got the surgery and I didn't need it anymore.
So then my insurance calls me up and says, hey, we just got the results of your sleep study last night, then you don't need the CPAP anymore.
Go ahead and take it in today.
Today? I mean, I got stuff going on.
Yeah, go ahead and take it in today.
If not, we're gonna charge you like $300, something absurd a day because the insurance said they're not paying for it anymore.
That's why I'm letting you know.
Okay, cool. Well, where are y'all in the city?
Oh, no, we're not in Kansas City.
Your jurisdiction is Clinton, Missouri.
And I'm like, man, that's an hour and a half away.
And they're like, well, that's so my gosh.
Now I got to take this back and get there before five when they close some fucking tooling down seven highway as fast as I can.
Try not to get a ticket.
I get to the apria health care.
I think it was there on the square.
Give it to him.
So then I come back and back then it was 55 mile an hour on seven, not 70 like it is now.
So you're looking at a solid hour and a half back to where I lived.
So I was like, I better stop in here and take a piss real quick and get something to drink because there's not at the time there's not another station all the way to Harrisonville.
I don't even think there's one in Garden City.
So at that time, yeah.
So my stop in it, it's the last one before you get out of town.
I'm right off the seven.
I go in there to take a piss and it looked like someone took liquid shit and sprayed it all over the wall and the smell.
I know this station. I know this station. There's so many dogs. Yep.
And I'm about ready to die.
I mean, I'm about ready to pass out and smell so bad.
So I go in there and piss as hard as I can.
It hurts trying to get done so I don't fucking vomit all over everywhere.
And I'm getting pissed all over me, all over my clothes.
I'm like, damn it.
And anyhow, right behind me, this old man comes up.
I caught him. I caught him. I caught the mad shitter.
I'm like, what? I didn't do anything. I just came in here.
I got him. I got him. He's back there behind me fucking chirping.
And at this time, I'm leaving. I'm like, I fucking cut off my piss.
This isn't worth it. And I start fucking booking out there.
And he's falling behind me, fucking pecking at me.
I got him. I got him. I got the mad shitter.
And I'm like, you know what? I'm getting my fucking seven up.
And I don't care. This guy's not going to rob me of my seven ups.
I go, when I get my seven up, I'm over there paying for it.
And he's over there chirping behind me still.
And I look at the lady at the counter. I go, I'm not the mad shitter.
And she goes, sure you're not.
Yeah. So I'm glad they seek revenge on those evildoers.
Thank you, mad crop dusters. Please leave my nostrils alone.
Okay. To be honest, the more I analyze that story,
the way it was all over the walls and everything,
I think it was a colostomy. I think it was a bag.
Yeah, it was. I'm pretty sure it was.
It had to have been.
I asked a couple of nurses and they said the only way you could really do that is a colostomy bag.
What did you say?
Yeah, because if not, you got props if you could blow it that far.
You would have to have like a shit squirt gun.
All over.
It was just the wall was covered in liquid shit.
It was fucking nasty.
So anyhow, it's one of the nastiest things I've ever witnessed.
And I witnessed a lot of nasty shit.
So, okay, douches, we currently have 30 mud bugs roasting with peas and carrots.
Bring your own bed because we're going to need it.
Mud bugs are some good eating.
Can Rob find a folding cot for his cousin, for my cousin Louise?
He don't have any more beds.
It wouldn't be appropriate to have his cousin sleep in the same bed as Willie.
Okay, it's Willie. I'm sorry.
They didn't write it out very well. I'm sorry.
No.
We ain't tightwad here. No incestual encounters.
Jeffy and Montrose.
Okay, tightwad number one. We apologize.
Okay. We apologize.
Not on us. Not on us.
If your cousin Montrose is taking another jab at you, this is not us.
So Rob, what they need is they need a cot.
They need a cot.
So Willie's cousin Louise can have a place to stay.
I guess she's coming over. Maybe it didn't really clarify in this email.
But the only other space available is Willie's bed.
So Willie and Louise really can't sleep in the same bed, right?
Because that would be...
Yeah, that would be wrong.
Yeah, yeah. So he's wanting you to go to tightwad and try to find an old cot for him.
And so, you know, besides the car parts, he's asking you to get him a cot.
Okay, Rob? So do you think you could go to tightwad and find him a cot?
I don't know.
Well, what all are you getting for him?
I think tightwad are getting tired of me asking.
Because they know what I'm doing.
I figured that. I figured they know you're just going to Montrose.
I'm going to have to start going to other towns.
So I'm going to start getting more connections.
Now a cot I might be able to come up with.
Okay. All right. Well, you hear that, Jeffy? There you go.
You're going to get a cot. It probably isn't from tightwad.
Wait a second. How soon is she going to be there?
You know what? It didn't say.
Clarify this in your next email, Montrose.
Well, if she's early, they may have problems.
They may be sleeping in the same bed.
Or she's on the couch.
No, he said there wasn't any more bedrooms or space available.
Oh, shit.
They didn't write it out very well when they sent it.
Right.
And I know what they're trying to say.
So I think maybe the guy was distracted.
But what they were saying...
You have it in front of you.
Yeah, yeah. If I showed it to you, you would piece it together like I did.
Yeah, I would understand.
Yeah. So, okay.
I'll do my best. I'll do my best, guys.
There you go, Montrose. Rob is on it.
So this is this email that we're getting ready to go into.
And I want to clarify something, okay?
It says, Dudes, you mentioned that you might become part of the podcast syndicator.
Well, I knew it was too good to be true.
You'll get sponsors and they will tell you to tone down the show.
Then just become another safe podcast.
Guess I'll work on another playlist.
We're going to be paid...
Okay, so here's what I'm saying right here.
I wrote some of this down bullet points, okay? Sorry, I went into it.
Okay. We're going to be paid directly from advertisement.
We are going to have sponsors for all the podcasts on the service
and then get a cut depending on our listener subscription base.
The show will not change.
So here's the way it is, okay?
All right. So this place takes a bunch of podcasts and throws them in a bowl.
It mixes them all up, per se, right?
They have streaming online radio and they also have podcast sections.
And what this is, is this guarantees us better circulation
and better people knowing about us.
And then if we get money from them, it's going to be from the advertisers.
They find, but it's a group advertising.
This advertising agency are going to look over here and go,
oh, two douche bags of microphone.
I don't know, that doesn't sound like our stuff, you know.
I don't think we can sell Pop Tarts to that crowd, okay?
They're not looking at us.
They're looking at all these thousands of podcasts on this streaming service
and they're going, okay, you have this much people listening to your podcasts
at any given time?
Okay, well, we want you to do an ad for our serial, okay?
But may I add, are all doing the same thing?
Yeah, yeah.
We do different things.
From what I understand, they want it to be like we are and stuff.
They think that the Internet is the last frontier.
It's the last place where you get people's opinions without getting whatever.
So the show will not change at all.
We're going to be the same because Clorox isn't looking at two douche bags of microphone.
Clorox is looking at that service and all the listeners together.
So anyhow, and another thing is if they take us, what's they're talking about doing?
We have to meet a threshold to get any money at all.
One cent, two cent, whatever.
There has to be so many listeners and they know it because they have our content
and that's the other thing that I want to get into too is, okay,
the one thing that I really have against it is we would have to leave RSS.
We'd have to leave all the other Spotify and all that stuff
because they don't want our exclusive Right Star material.
What they want is, and if they do this because they haven't said yes or no
or come up with an official offer or anything,
but they want us to be exclusively on their platform.
They want us.
Yeah.
And so what I would have to do is...
Which makes me feel good for one, honestly.
Yeah, but we're going to have to let everybody know well ahead of time.
So it's not going to be, we're not going to just jump from here to there.
I'm hoping if this does go through a three-month period
to where we can keep telling people, all right, we're getting ready to go over here.
We're getting ready to go over here.
As of this day, we're going to be over here.
So that way we don't lose the people we already have and we love,
like Purdue, Canada, Des Moines, all this stuff.
But I stress, this is not in stone.
And I'm not sure we want to do it, and they're not sure they want to do it right now.
So we're kind of like talking a little bit back and forth, and we'll see what happens.
And the two companies, I was wrong.
They're both the same company.
I thought it was two companies kind of bidding for us.
So it's one company talking to us. It's not two.
And then the other one left a long time ago.
And so I didn't talk to them that much.
They never did seem like they're that interested.
Because the point is, we get to be us.
It's still our show. We get to talk about whatever we want.
They're just advertisers.
Before I even started talking to them, when they kind of sent me the email
and the preliminary of what they would like, I told them, I said,
I don't wish to change anything in the show.
And they said, we don't want you to.
And then that's when they explained to me that these are all these podcasts together,
and it's sold like that.
It's not sold like two douchebags and a microphone.
So if we're doing something like the hairy asshole Olympics,
Clorox has no idea.
All they know is this place has 3,000 podcasts at any given time planned, right?
So they're making money. We're making a little money.
Hopefully. Hopefully.
We've got to meet that threshold, though.
Right. And we're getting there.
We're getting there, these last numbers.
But we've got to maintain it, too, because this jump in numbers like we have back and forth,
we've got to get a more steady base.
So anyhow, we'll see what happens.
Well, you and I are getting a little more stable, too.
Yeah, I think it's all coming together.
We've been noticing that the past few.
Yes. So it's all coming together, I do believe.
And we're going to, you know, we're going to keep doing this.
This is what we like to do.
So as long as we're able, we're going to keep doing this.
Let's take our second break, Rob, and we'll be right back with more shit.
That sound good?
Sounds good.
All right.
Next up, things overheard in hell.
Great news. William Hung's world tour has been extended.
Swimming in toxic masculinity and wiping their ass with politically correct wash rags.
Two douchebags in a microphone invade your ear holes in three, two, one.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity.
You have the personality of a soggy newspaper.
Tomorrow morning while grinding your coffee beans for your double mocha latte,
remember to not get your genitals caught in the grinder.
It really hurts.
Who can afford plastic surgery?
Stay safe, everyone.
Hey, look, I think we found land.
Oh, my God, I think we're safe.
Oh, no.
This island of horrible jokes.
Why do golfers take an extra pair of socks with them when they golf?
In case they get a hole in one.
Break shit house energy drink.
That's right.
Break shit house energy drink.
Make men after women girl.
You want to get involved?
You want to fuck shit up?
You want to force gun across America?
Break shit house is for you.
Please enjoy break shit house energy drink responsibly.
It's not readily available anywhere because of liability issues.
Next up, things overheard in hell.
Joe Buck and Troy Aitman are being all televised in radio games of the NFL this year.
Now from his underground bunker camped in Missouri, stocked with dried goods, canned food, and a couple of vibrating toys,
is ramblings of a madman featuring Rob Rad.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
That needs to happen.
And now, deep thoughts with Mark.
Man, I sure wish I was the garbage man.
You know what I could do if I was the garbage man?
I could go to the wrong parts of town on the wrong days periodically in the morning,
and then watch everybody run out of their house in their underwear with two bags of trash screaming,
Stop!
Halt!
Yeah, that's what I'd love to do.
Two douchebags and microphone on Mark.
And I'm Rob.
Alright Rob, I've been jabbering away. It's time to hear what you have to say.
Well, I've got a quick little one here.
Okay.
We're gonna go into the wrestling world.
Sounds good.
Like we mentioned, tonight and tomorrow night is WrestleMania 40.
Yay!
Well, last night they had the Hall of Fame inductees.
The inductees in the Hall of Fame, and I had the new inductees.
Cool.
Just a quick little list.
First up, Paul Heyman.
Which is at Roman Reigns still today.
And then Bull Nacano.
Okay.
Thunderbolt Patterson.
Okay.
Leah Malivia, which is The Rock's grandmother.
Nice.
US Express, which was Barry Windham and Mike Rotunda.
Which gives Barry Windham his second Hall of Fame induction.
Barry Windham got inducted with the Four Horsemen also.
Okay.
And this year's celebrity, Muhammad Ali.
Nice.
Cool.
And like I said, everybody, tomorrow night I will have tonight's WrestleMania.
And then Tuesday night I will have tomorrow night's WrestleMania.
So two rocks.
For those that do not have the PCOP network.
Don't worry about it.
Rob's got it.
I'm going out of my way for you.
Yep.
And I love you, that's why.
Rob's WrestleMania Roundup is coming up tomorrow and Tuesday.
So mark your calendars.
You want to hear it.
Rob has all the skinny on everything that happens.
So you don't have to go buy PCOPs.
WrestleMania for you.
And it's a big one.
Cool.
The Rock is making it come back.
Yeah, yeah, I saw that.
I saw some of the promos for it.
The Rock is just everywhere, man.
I think he's going to run for office, dude.
He is everywhere, man.
You know, he's on the UFL, what, formerly XFL or whatever.
You know, he's on, I think he's sponsoring some restaurants somewhere too.
I can't remember what it was.
Oh.
He's, go ahead.
He's now big time in WWE.
He's like, yeah, he's part of TKO or whatever, the ones that win in partnership.
Oh really?
Yeah, he was like running WWE.
Wow.
That's kind of like Patrick Mahomes when he retires, buying part of the NFL.
I could see it.
Oh, I could see it too.
As a matter of fact, it wouldn't surprise me if one of these contracts come up from Mahomes,
if he says, hey guys, all this money is fine and dandy, but how about a piece of the Chief's ownership?
Yeah.
I could see that.
What are they going to do, deny him?
Probably not.
I don't think I would at this point.
You want to commit suicide?
You get rid of that man.
That's all there is to it.
So I got an interesting story here, Rob.
Women in New York City are getting punched randomly in the face and no one knows why.
What?
Yeah.
Let's say you and your wife are walking along and someone runs up and just hits her in the face hard.
Then they run off.
They're not stealing her purse.
They're, you know, nothing, man.
They're not, you know, they're not trying to get away from somewhere.
They're just running up and hitting them in the face.
The women made TikTok videos describing being randomly attacked as they walked down the street,
stoking concerns about crime in the city.
The bizarre punching epidemic first came to light when Hallie Kite or Hallie Kate,
a 23 year old TikToker living in New York City, posted an al viral video on March 25th
in which she said she had been punched in the face while walking down the street.
I was literally just walking and a man came up and punched me in the face.
Oh my God, it hurt so bad I can't even talk, the tearful Kate said.
It can be seen with a large lump on her forehead.
In subsequent videos, Kate explained that she had been looking down at her phone
when a man walking a dog either punched or elbowed her right in the head,
causing her to fall to the ground and hit her head on the sidewalk.
Kate said she went to urgent care and reported the incident to police.
And there's a little bit more here I'm going to get to here.
And if I can turn this page here with less difficulty, we'll get it.
The NYPD, which does not reveal the identities of victims,
confirmed to Business Insider that it had been received a report of an assault
of a 23 year old woman who had been hit in the head and then fell to the ground and suffered injuries.
They said that a 40 year old male identified as Skagoby Stora had been arrested and charged on March 27th.
And then the investigation remains ongoing.
So, okay, we don't know if this guy did it number one.
This is all allegedly, you know.
We don't know if he done it number one.
And we don't know if he did do it, if he's doing all the other ones that are going on around town.
Or if it's some sort of a sick trend that people are like doing, seeing on the dark web or something.
You know what I mean?
Like platforms we don't, we're not going to be a part of or something.
I mean, I don't have an answer for that.
Why in the world would you just walk up and smack a woman right in the face like that?
I mean, no motive.
That would get your ass kicked.
Absolutely.
That would get your ass kicked.
I mean, come on.
If it's happening over and over, guys are going to start protecting the women.
Everybody's going to be watching.
The cops are going to be watching.
You're going to get caught and you're going to get your ass beat.
That is a class A ass whooping.
That's one thing you do not do in my book is put your hands on a woman.
Yes.
And if you do, then you suffer the consequences after.
And that's when real men see that and beat the shit out of you because you're an asshole.
You may not even make it to court.
Yeah, you may not worry about jail.
You may not make it.
Okay, sick thing going on.
I don't know what to say.
Who knows?
Anyhow, Rob, you got something?
Yeah, I got another one here.
Another off the wall one.
Sounds good.
And 111 years and 224 days old, John Alfred Tenniswood from England has officially claimed the title of the world's oldest living man.
Okay.
Guinness World Records may be an aspirin on Friday, two days after nothing that death of former title holder one Vincent de Perez at the age of one hundred and fourteen a month shy of his one hundred and fifteen birthday.
Wow.
You either live long or you live short and you can't do much about it, Tenniswood said in an interview.
He's right.
In which he was presented with a certificate while Tenniswood who does not smoke, really drinks and has fish and chips every Friday said the secret to longevity is just walk.
You advise the moderation in life if you drink too much or you eat too much or you walk too much.
If you do too much of anything, you're going to suffer eventually.
I think he's right, Rob.
He was born in Liverpool, August 26, 1912.
Still going strong.
Can you imagine the things he's seen in his life?
The things that went on, how many times he thought the world was going to end.
World War II, the Korean War, Vietnam, the Cuban Missile Crisis.
He saw all of that.
Here's the headline.
A 111 year old British man born the same year the Titanic sank is now world's oldest man.
Wow.
He was born the same year the Titanic sank.
That's amazing.
Cool.
That's on CNN by the way.
Okay, I've got one here for us.
April 1st, Irvine, Texas, Officer Mark Turner of the Irving Sheriff's Office had one hell of an April Fool's prank played on him.
He was called at a busy strip mall and before that a congested road to wrangle a goat.
This took the officer a few hours with help from animal control and some lasso's and ropes.
They managed to apprehend the goat without harming the animal and got it out of danger.
Officer Turner thought that that was going to be all when the 30 minutes later he receives a call to try to catch a runaway peacock.
And this is all on April 1st, Rob.
What?
The officer had to chase the bird through several yards and over an hour of maneuvering to finally corner the animal.
This probably wasn't an April Fool's joke, but if it was, possibly the best one ever, right?
Yeah.
It's no big deal. Peacocks are no big deal because we got peacocks that run around down here.
Really?
Yeah.
Are they native?
Well, they get away from the owners.
We have this one. You can look him up on Facebook. His name is Akbar.
Okay.
It's a Facebook page called Where is Akbar?
He was a peacock running around Camdenton.
Okay.
Yeah.
Okay, so I guess a peacock's not that big a deal then.
Okay, well, I mean the whole thing is, it's April Fool's day, right?
And then he has to wrangle a goat in the inner city, and then he has to wrangle a peacock in the inner city. What are the chances?
Yeah, true.
Yeah, you'd be thinking, okay, who was playing these jokes and where did they get these animals, right?
To be honest, I don't think I'd want to wrangle a peacock. I think it would tear you up.
Oh, I think so too. Yeah, I think so too.
They're big-ass birds. I mean, and also they look like they could peck the shit out of you if they got mad, right?
They have some claws too.
Oh, they do. That's right.
That's right. Yeah.
Yeah, because they dig in the ground. I believe they eat worms and bugs out of the ground, right?
Yeah, they mesmerize you with their feathers and then crawl the hell out of you is what they do.
Oh.
Yeah.
Oh, okay. Well, don't let your child near him. Look at this pretty...
The next thing you know, you're taking Junior into the fucking emergency room.
Okay. All right. You got something you want to go to, Rob?
Yeah, let's go back to Gene Simmons.
Okay.
We were talking about Kiss and him selling their stuff.
Yep.
With Kiss touring life in the real view, Gene Simmons may have formally put his demon persona in the closet,
but he's not gatekeeping his iconic look.
Okay.
The singer stepped up to the defense after the Internet tore JoJo Siwa apart at the I Heart Music Awards,
where she appeared for the evening, clad in a black and silver mesh taxi with black makeup,
wearing a mask reminiscent of Simmons.
Okay.
Is JoJo Siwa trying to join Kiss? Because what the hell is happening here? One quick question.
But Simmons, 74, as it turns out, is proud to serve as inspiration for the young pop star.
You see...
Never be ordinary. Always be extraordinary. JoJo Siwa is extraordinary, and she looks cool.
The rock and roll night singer told TMZ, having her bold new look, as he suggested,
that anyone sending a 20-year-old hate for her style transformation either didn't understand it or just was jealous of the performance.
Okay. Does this young lady, is she keeping the makeup, or was it a one-off deal?
Oh, no, it's just something she showed up to wear at the I Heart Music Awards.
Because I was getting ready to say that Simmons actually sued King Diamond over his makeup many years ago, remember?
He said it was too similar to his...
Oh, yeah, yeah, he did.
Yeah.
He did.
Okay.
Now, he's enjoying what JoJo Siwa's doing, but she's 20 years old.
Oh, yeah, but...
She's 74, you know?
Yeah, but she's not going to continually wear the makeup. This is just a one-off deal.
No, no, no, no.
Okay, I understand.
It was a shocking thing at the I Heart Music Awards.
That's what I thought the deal was.
You know how they stop people at their work ceremony?
Yeah. Okay.
Then you should look at the pictures.
I will.
Check her out. It was badass, dude.
Okay, cool.
She looked cool. She looked cool.
And also, here's another thing, Rob. Gene Simmons does not own that anymore anyhow.
Exactly.
Yeah, so why would he give a shit?
Well, he told that pop house, hey, pop house, do it.
What I liked was he's like passing the torch, you know?
Yeah, you know what? I mean, why not?
That's why I'm looking at it.
Why not? Anyone that goes...
It's all your creativity.
Anyone that goes around with that kind of makeup and that kind of attire.
Especially these days.
Yeah. I mean, you've got to take that as a compliment.
You know? It's kind of like, oh, hey, man, they like me so much they're emulating me.
So, wow. Cool story.
I got a little one here and then we can either stop or keep going.
I mean, we're having a good time tonight, but you let me know, Rob, okay?
When a package...
Yeah, yeah. I will see.
Okay. When a package was stolen from Omar Gabriel Munoz's house doorstep last week,
he discovered it had been taken by a thief in an unusually trashy disguise.
His door camera captured the moment of theft.
Someone covered in a black plastic trash bag,
lumbered up Munoz's front walk in Sacramento.
The video shows a bag with feet sticking out of it from underneath.
Move up the porch and swallow a package.
At first, he thought they were messing with him, he told ABC 10.
He told the news outlet that his initial reaction was anger,
but then he saw the humor in the thief's creativity, he told Fox News.
He didn't report the incident to the police, but he has it on his ring camera,
and he said the package only cost about 10 bucks,
so it was well worth it for the entertainment.
You know, I mean, you got to kind of give it to the guy, right?
But I mean, here's what I say, though.
You know you didn't put a trash bag on your front porch, right?
You know if you did or not, right?
So I don't see how that would help someone steal it except people seeing them from the outside.
You know, because you look out your ring and you see a trash bag,
you're like, who the fuck left that trash bag on my, you know,
you're going out there and like trying to look around,
see if someone's playing a joke or someone's being a dick to you or whatever, right?
So that would draw attention from the guy inside,
but everybody going by would just go, oh, trash bag on the guy's front porch, whatever.
Interesting, interesting way of doing that, I think, right?
Yeah.
Okay. Well, Rob, you got anything?
Actually, that's about all I have for right now.
All right. Well, let's put a little bow on this bitch and wrap it up.
All right. Everybody, oh, hi, Opal. Hi, Jimmy.
Hi, grandma. Hi, Jimmy.
Hope you guys are doing well. Dodge City, rah, rah, rah. Love you guys.
Rah!
All righty. Everybody from Douchebag Central, have a great evening. See you assholes.
Do not, assholes.
Oh, no. Looks like the show's over, kids.
Mark has explosive diarrhea and can't afford a wireless mic.
Fear not, assholes. They'll be back invading your ear holes soon.