pelo
This is Chicago. I am the most dangerous city in North America.
You can't touch me.
Oh yeah? This is Kansas City here. Hold my beer, bitch.
And now it's time for the Daily Deucebag Pledge.
Two deucebags and a microphone pledge.
I, Joe, or Jane listener hereby promise to download every show.
I, Joe, or Jane listener hereby promise to grab family members' phones and download the show from there.
I, Joe, or Jane listener hereby promise to go to public computers and download the show from there.
I, Joe, or Jane listener hereby promise to laugh at all the unfunny jokes.
I, Joe, or Jane listener hereby promise to lie to all my friends and tell them how good the show is.
And finally, I, Joe, or Jane listener, promise to visit Montrose, Missouri to take advantage of the power plant, campgrounds, and junkyard all within its quarter-mile radius.
Tomorrow morning while grinding your coffee beans for your double mocha latte, remember to not get your genitals caught in the grinder.
It really hurts. Who can afford plastic surgery?
Stay safe, everyone!
Oh, Lord! That man just saw a puppy and ha-
Hey there. Don't worry. I have a clown nose.
Oh, no! That drunk guy just hit my child!
It is okay. I have a clown nose.
Clown nose! Just put one on and you can do anything!
Wanna run for office? Murder people in public? Just grab a clown nose and BAM! Everyone laughs!
Clown noses are sold at gag stores online and pedophile conventions. Grab one today and make magic happen.
And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark.
You know what would be really cool? If George Gray of The Price is Right was talking about a 20 ounce bag of fish sticks and actually said a 20 ounce bag of fish sticks.
Yeah, that would be funny.
Next up, Things Overheard in Hell.
Joe Buck and Troy Aitman are doing all televised and radio games of the NFL this year.
As much fun as an electric can opener to the scrotum, two douchebags and a microphone.
Two douchebags and a microphone.
We Talk. Jesus.
Bas, two douchebags and a microphone on Mark.
And I'm Rob.
Oh, you don't get the Vice Channel, do you?
No.
Tonight, they have the Dark Side of Wrestling series on it and it's very good. Tonight it's Handsome Harley Race.
Oh, I love him.
You can YouTube it, I'm sure.
Oh yeah, I'll figure it out.
I mean, Harley Race had a lot of shit happen, didn't he? I mean, down at Lakeland Ozarks.
Oh yeah, he did.
Yeah, yeah. Well, anyhow, without spoiling anything.
He was boatwrecked down there, like it is, or killed somebody.
And disabled a woman for life. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So yeah, and all the other stuff that went on and all the shenanigans and all that stuff that goes with professional wrestling.
So anyhow, I wanted to mention that. Just go to YouTube and look up the Vice Channel and put in like Dark Side of the Ring.
This is being released tonight and as a matter of fact, it's recording it right now and when we get done with this podcast, I'm going to go watch it.
Because I'm like you, I grew up with Harley Race. I grew up with him fighting Ric Flair. Yeah.
And Bulldog Bob Brown and Hercules Hernandez.
Okay. You know how Ric Flair ended up wearing that crown?
Gorgeous Gary Royals. Yeah, he would come out with a crown and all that.
Do you remember how he got that crown?
Didn't he get it from Gorgeous Gary Royals, the promoter or whatever, the manager?
It was Harley Race. Oh, it was Harley Race. I didn't know that. Wow.
Yes. Well, it was him, Jerry Lawler and Ric Flair. They passed that crown around.
Oh wow. Okay, I didn't know that but I'm sure it's going to be on this one.
Yeah, it went from Harley Race to Ric Flair and then down to Jerry Lawler.
Yeah. Ric Flair, when he was battling Harley Race, he had the title predominantly but Race got him a couple of times.
Harley Race was what, six time world champion or something?
Oh, it was it. Yeah. It was an enormous amount.
Them old wrestlers were the best. Oh, they were. Yeah. Yeah.
That's back when they weren't afraid to gouge a guy's eye.
Oh, they weren't afraid to cut their own foreheads and wrists. They did it all the time.
I remember. Well, you hardly see blood anymore. No, I don't know. Once on occasion.
Oh, they were saying, I think it might have been Hulk Hogan and then it was also another guy too.
Maybe it's like Bulldog Bob Brown. They had him on a local show. Oh, Bulldog. Yeah, he was known for it.
Bob Geigel. Actually, it's Bulldog Bob Brown and Bob Geigel were talking about what they used to do.
And one of them would whisper, hey, the match is getting kind of boring. That may grab a razor blade. Cut yourself. Got to be some blood.
That's when me and my dad used to watch seven o'clock Sunday mornings at the end of the city.
Yep. Yep. All Star Wrestling was the name of it. All Star Wrestling. Yep.
It was at Memorial Hall. Yep. The same two old ladies just watching. Yeah, the two old ladies.
They were there for every match. They're like 80 or 90. Oh my God. Yeah, they were awesome.
Yeah. Yeah. And then Bulldog Bob Brown. I got to meet him because he was a security guard at Harrah's.
I believe it was Harrah's before his death. And anyhow, you walk up there, huge guy.
And then you see his face. I go up there and I show my idea. I look out. Bulldog.
He goes, yeah, I get that a lot. And he goes, man, dude, I grew up on you. He goes, evidently.
Dude, I would love to meet him. He goes, evidently, everybody watched that show.
I was like, yeah. I said, dude, you're always one of my favorite. He goes, well, thanks, man.
He goes, I appreciate it. I said something like I'm glad you're doing well.
And he goes, eh, something like it's a living or something. I don't know.
It's retirement, man. Yeah, that was his retirement. But he was a cool guy when I met him.
And I couldn't believe that was him. But he had such a distinct face. And also, he's a huge guy.
So you walk up there and you're already looking at him. Gosh, look at that guy. He should be a wrestler.
Oh, wait a minute. You know, well, I was saying I was a good football player.
I've always heard stories that he was a good. No, go ahead.
Oh, I was just saying, I've always heard stories that he was a great guy.
Well, my encounter with him, he couldn't have been nicer, couldn't have been friendlier.
I was really impressed with him because he didn't have to be nice. I mean, he was just like, you know,
he was just getting people's IDs and making sure they were old enough.
And if someone got stupid, he'd go over there and pick them up by the Scotty and throw them out, you know.
I think he could take probably anybody out of that place.
I heard through the grapevine that he did. He could and he did.
Because there's a certain stigma that comes with a wrestler.
There's the people that don't believe it's, you know, that. And yeah, yeah, yeah, it is scripted. Yes.
It doesn't mean the guys are not tough. It does not mean that the guys aren't huge and cannot break your face.
So occasionally, yes, they are tough people, very tough people.
A lot of them end up on opiates because they hurt so bad. Right.
And anyhow, there's a few people have a couple of beers in them and they're going to take on that wrestler because it was a fake sport.
And of course, they ended up outside on their ass with their head spinning.
So, you know, but anyhow, watch that when you can.
It will probably be coming out in a week or two on YouTube.
I'm going to watch it tonight and I'll talk to you about it tomorrow night before the podcast.
Sound like a plan?
Sounds like a plan.
All right, Rob, you got anything you want to go into?
Yeah, I got one more here I'd like to get into.
All right. Well, I've been primarily talking on this one. I got to give you a little bit of time. I'm sorry.
No, actually, if you go back to wrestling, I've been talking quite a bit, too.
Oh, OK. All right. I feel like I'm wanting to show some.
No, no, we were going off script quite a few times tonight.
Yeah. It's not like we have that set of a script.
But yeah, no, it's it's been a very fun episode.
So it's been very good. That's why we're going over.
It's like, man, this is going great. Let's just keep going.
Yeah. OK. How about five celebrities who dated criminals?
Oh, OK.
OK. The funny thing is most of the celebrities are criminals.
I would agree. They steal your money at the very least.
OK. First up, Carmen Lecter.
Peretner suffered a brief tarnish when she married basketball player, your favorite, Dennis Rodman.
If anyone ever wants to see Dennis Rodman, go to Ocean Manor Hotel in Fort Lauderdale.
The owner knows him.
And Mark is telling you, you don't want to meet him.
You don't want to meet him.
And he was given this football player. I met Michael Urban there. He could have been nicer.
I guess the owner of that resort hotel or friends with football players and ex athletes.
And he goes in free stay because it creates a buzz.
Like I'm talking about it right now. Right. But Dennis Rodman, I was not impressed with.
He he he was given this. Someone said he's a football player alignment for somebody.
I forgot. Huge guy. I didn't recognize him.
But he Dennis Rodman is over there with a couple of girls.
He's like over there pointing at the guy and snickering.
And that guy got up. He walked over and he said, Dennis, come here.
He said something to Dennis and Dennis left with the girls.
So I think that was like a you better leave because I'm about ready to kick this shit out of you.
And he'd always walk around with these fancy cigars, but he never would smoke them.
He would leave them everywhere.
The next day I see what is all bit up on the end in an ashtray.
I see one on the ground and they're his cigars. They all had a white label.
And I'm not sure. I think they might have been an Ashton or something.
But he always went around there with a cigar in his mouth, but he never smoked it.
And then one time I was behind him and all of a sudden he stops.
And the little guy that walks him around, he's like really short, stands back.
And he just starts going, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.
And everybody was listening to this guy. I'm like, what the fuck?
I just kept walking. I have no time for this.
Anyhow, he doesn't impress me. I'm sorry I went off on a tangent.
You're fine. We've been doing it all night.
Yeah.
Okay. The rush between a left-hand Rodman characterized by domestic violence allegations
and restraining orders filed by both parties.
Additionally, Rodman faced legal issues, including an arrest for suspicion of rioting
under the influence in Southern California.
Oh, real quick. All this allegedly...
Go ahead, Rob.
And no, I'm talking about my stuff, not yours.
Oh, okay. I was going to say what I'm saying. You can find on TV Overmind.
I was talking about me and I'm just covering my ass.
Right, right, right.
Okay. Next up, we have Miss Robin Gibbons.
Oh yeah.
Mike Tyson is infamous for his violent temper and numerous run-ins by the law.
But yeah, he ended up during prison time over beating Robin Gibbons.
Yeah, and didn't he... Desiree Washington?
Domestic violence.
Sexual assault or something to Desiree Washington, maybe?
No, this did not go into that.
This is about Robin.
Oh, okay. It's not going to say anything. Anyhow, I'm not for sure on that.
I just remembered something about that. He did go to prison.
Anyhow, go ahead.
The ones that were in relationships with criminals.
And here we got Mike Tyson coming out for our retirement.
Okay, here we go.
Sandra Bullock.
Okay.
Known for the movie Speed and all that.
Uh huh.
She was in a relationship with Jesse James, the motorcycle customizer and reality TV star,
whose company had violated a number of clean air laws, resulting in hefty fines.
Okay.
James admitted to having affairs with multiple women, causing a public scandal,
and marking the end of their marriage.
Oh wow. Okay.
So I guess his thing was the clean air laws.
Well, I guess he went to jail for six years. He was accused of rape by Desiree Washington.
So, anyhow, go ahead. I just...
Okay, well this did not go into that.
No, it was just covering the Robin Gibbons aspect of it, and I get it. So, anyhow.
Well, no, no. This was Sandra Bullock.
Oh, Sandra Bullock. I'm sorry. I was going back to what I looked up Mike Tyson.
Anyhow, go ahead. I'm sorry.
Oh, you're going back Tyson?
Yeah, yeah. I looked it up, remember?
Oh, I'm on Sandra Bullock and Jesse James.
No, I know that. I was just... I told everybody I was going to go to the internet, and I was just clarifying that. Anyhow, go ahead.
All right. All right.
Well, I was done with Sandra Bullock and Jesse James.
Oh yeah.
He got in trouble for clean air laws. That's it.
For what? Clean air laws?
Yeah.
What the hell did he do?
But I guess... I guess there was abuse and stuff in their relationship.
They called him the Vanilla Gorilla because of his penis size. Did you know that?
No.
Well, look it up. Allegedly. Anyhow, go ahead.
Okay, now you ain't going to believe this one.
Okay.
That this person is on this list. These are people that relationships with criminals.
Okay.
Charlie Sheen.
Oh, I'm floored. Not really.
Sheen faced media scrutiny for his high profile relationship with adult film star Ginger Lin.
Oh my God.
He served four years in prison for tax evasion.
Okay. Okay. I forgot they dated, but I didn't know she went to prison.
Dude. Yeah, I'm surprised he's on this list.
You would think it'd be the other way around that he was the one in trouble.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Wow.
Evidently, she did more time than he did.
Wow. You can't make this shit up. That's crazy.
No, no, no. Like I said, this is on TV, over mine.
Yeah. Wow. Go ahead. This is good shit, Rob.
Lastly, Whitney Houston married to Bobby Brown. Come on.
He was known for his abuse. Yeah.
Oh yeah. He allegedly is the one that got her on drugs. I don't know if that's true or not.
And then I read another article that suggested that the record company did it to control her.
Who knows what happened, but we know that Bobby Brown had a past.
And yes, it was a very checkered past.
Well, yeah. Yeah. He spent time in and out of jail.
Not to be confused with the Bobby Brown chick that dated Jane Elaine from Warrant.
Right. Married him. Married him, maybe, I think. Yeah.
And I think they're both spelt the same way. B-O-B-B-I, Brown.
No, his was B-O-B-B-Y.
Oh, okay. So that's how you tell the difference between the two is the other Bobby is an I.
He wrote it up where he used to.
Yeah. Yeah, that's true. What a waste, though. Boy, that girl had a golden voice. So, wow.
Well, that was really good, Rob. Real good.
I think you like that one.
I love that one. I like it when you come up with stuff like this out of your ass. It's fucking great.
I mean, this is stuff that I had no clue of and it catches me off guard all the time. It's great.
Oh, that's all right. Wait till tomorrow night.
Oh, awesome.
I have an American songwriter for you.
Oh, cool. Well, I've got...
Yes, I do.
I've got Gen Alpha slang terms that have nothing to do with the Millennials or us or the Boomers.
This is their own language that they use amongst themselves that they take pride in. We mostly don't know.
Oh, cool. Well, while we're at it tomorrow night, why don't we hit our top five pick of people that either wax?
Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I got mine right here. You have yours.
I've been dying to get to it all night.
I got some people too, dude. I'm very proud of you.
It's too late now. Let's get to it tomorrow night.
We'll do it tomorrow night. We got to... Yeah. And I'm also...
Yeah, dude. We're coming up on...
And then the following podcast next Saturday, we might get into the hairy asshole Olympics again and try to round that out for a little bit.
Hello?
I do not know what just happened.
All of that was on air. It's going to be part of the podcast.
I went, Rob, Rob? And then all of a sudden it starts going, did it it? You're calling.
Oh, good. Cool.
No, I don't know what the hell happened.
I don't know either. I guess that means it's time to go, right?
Yeah, I was talking and somebody said it's time to go to bed or something.
I guess so. Yeah, well, you got to get up in the morning. It's after 930. So anyhow, thank you, Rob. Let's go ahead and call it a night. That sound good?
You just want to leave it at that?
I guess. Why, you got something else or...?
No, no, no. I don't know if you want to say good night or everybody here.
Oh, no, no, no. I was playing on doing that. Oh, hi, Opal.
Hi, Opal. Hi, Jimmy. Hi, Jimmy.
I hope you guys dodged the bad weather there last night.
No, actually it wasn't out there. Last night it was southern Missouri that got rocked on in Arkansas and central Missouri.
Actually, there is a tornado just north of you.
Yeah, it was down around us and a little further south.
There was one just north of you for quite a while that was on the ground. They didn't say anything about damage.
Do you get some pretty bad storms there?
We had a lot of wind and rain. That was it.
That's what we got here too?
And the temperatures just steadily dropped all day.
Yeah, I wore shorts that day and by that evening when the cold front came through I regretted wearing them.
I was like, oh, shit. I should have seen this coming.
Anyhow, we were supposed to get bad weather here. We were under a tornado watch for several hours.
They were predicting all this weather, hail, stones and all this stuff.
We got about two claps of thunder and some heavy rain and that was about it.
Yeah, we had some lightning and we had some heavy rain coming through.
Before I went to bed.
I'm not complaining about that. I'm glad we didn't have severe weather because that sucks.
And also the insurance claims that we pay for.
Anyhow, alright, everybody have a great night. Thank you for listening. Good night, assholes.
Good night, assholes.
Want a pizza with no skin off your back?
How about John Wayne Casey's pizza?
Dad, this guy taking our order gives me the creeps. I'm such a weirdo.
My breakfast pizza has some odd looking sausage.
Hey!
This is a baggage pizza. Get a free body bag with any large combo.
Two douchebags in a microphone invade your ear holes and...
Hey! Who took a dump in the cooler?
And now, deep thoughts with Mark.
So, if I have a glass of ice water and the ice melts into the water, is my water then watered down?
Hm. I may never know.
Tomorrow morning while grinding your coffee beans for your double mocha latte, remember to not get your genitals caught in the grinder.
It really hurts. Who can afford plastic surgery?
Stay safe, everyone.
The apocalypse just happened. You don't know what to do. You don't know where to go. But we can tell you what you can eat.
Garlic mustard could and should be a go-to food during an apocalypse.
Garlic mustard is plentiful everywhere. It is actually an invasive weed.
But it can be very delicious and easily taken from about any pasture.
Garlic mustard can be stewed or even pan-fried for delicious taste.
It can also be added to other ingredients, whether it's a salad or any other type of food to enhance it.
Garlic mustard should be a go-to staple during the apocalypse.
Coming up...
A blast from the past.
This is where we take old shows and incorporate them into new shows.
Because you fucks refuse to go get it.
Christopher, you know our elaborate prank section, right?
Mm-hmm.
Okay, well, I've got one for you. I never told you about Babel Snatch, have I?
Uh, no.
Okay, even if I did, just say I didn't know that.
He knows nothing about Babel Snatch.
Yeah, I think I remember a name like Babel Snatch.
Okay.
So...
Well, Babel Snatch, this is back in the 80s, probably mid-80s, best guess.
Could have been 87 at the latest, but anyhow.
Yeah, I used to go to the 7-Eleven in Belvedere, which isn't there now.
It was knocked down and then replaced way later by a quick trip.
But anyhow, I used to go in there all the time and, you know, go in there and buy sodas and shit and whatever, you know.
Rolling papers for my friends, not for me.
And anyhow, you know, just shit like that.
So, anyhow, there's this guy in there.
He, I don't know, you know, I think he hated long hairs or something, but hey, I noticed he was nice to everybody but me.
Like, I'd be like third in line and, hey, how you know, the first guy, hey, Mr. Jones, how you doing?
Oh, man, yeah, nice weather.
Hey, how's the kid, you know, next person.
Hi, Loretta, how you doing?
Oh, man, yeah, yeah, yeah, everything's going good, man.
I got the old Taurus running really good.
Yeah, yeah, come by, man.
The old Taurus.
Yeah, you know.
I come up there, 142.
So how you doing?
142.
Okay, here you go.
And I'm like, what the hell?
How come this guy hates me?
And every time I go in there, nicest pie to everybody but me, it's like, just like, I'd be 249.
So, weather's pretty nice out there.
Thanks, bye.
Motherfucker.
So he did this so many times and he just never talked to me.
He wouldn't even like hardly look at me, you know.
Nice.
And I never did nothing to this fucker that I know of.
You know, maybe someone said something like this guy said, you know, that you're a dick or maybe someone's screwing him like,
hey, man, he thinks you got a nice ass.
Who knows?
Whatever the fucking deal was, the guy was just a complete tool bag to me constantly.
So I was like, hi, bitch.
So I go home and I think about it, I'm like, okay.
So I start calling up and I go, hey, you got any Babel snatch gum?
What?
Babel snatch.
I mean, everybody, I mean, I bought it from there a couple of weeks ago.
Stuff is fucking awesome, man.
I'll tell you what, man, you know, talk to your manager about it.
Is this like a breath freshening gum?
I don't, you know.
Maybe a bubble gum?
I just came up with it and anyhow, the guy, he bent on it, you know.
He was like, oh, yeah, I'll check on it for you.
Hey, thanks, man.
I appreciate it.
So anyhow, so I called back a little bit later.
Yeah, someone called earlier, you know, and anyhow, I'm sure we have it here somewhere,
but, you know, I'll talk to my manager about it tonight and we'll see what we can do.
So anyhow, I have a couple other people call it about Babel snatch gum and, you know,
and they're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, you know, we're working on getting it in.
Okay, you know, the regional manager, we called him and he said that he was going to work on getting it in here.
And I go, well, you know, I bought it the other day and it's just so good.
And they believe me.
I go, man, this gum is just so great tasting and he's like, it's Babel snatch, right?
Yeah, Babel snatch.
That's the name of it.
Okay.
All right.
I would have loved to listen into the conversation when he's asking the regional manager about Babel snatch.
Oh, yeah.
So, you know, anyhow, I called down there the next day and I go, hey, man, you know, you got that Babel snatch gum.
You know, the guy's like, oh, hang on, hang on.
I think it's in.
We just had a load. Hang on.
So anyhow, so the guy's like, you know, and this is the guy I hated, the Paul guy.
So anyhow, he's like, yeah, hang on a second.
So I hear him like, yeah, I'm going to go to the back there and it's in one of the boxes.
I said it was coming in today.
So all right.
No big deal.
So I hear him go back.
I hear some rustling and a couple of people come in and then he stops.
He goes up there.
Oh, yeah, it'd be 1242.
Okay.
Thank you.
Have a good day.
And then he helps someone else.
I hear him go back again.
I hear him rustling through some more boxes.
Meanwhile, I'm laughing my ass off.
And anyhow, this guy, he like for like 20 minutes is looking for Babel Snatch gum.
So anyhow, so like finally, like a half hour later, he comes back.
He goes, man, he goes, look, I know we're going to have it in by the end of the day.
I talked to my manager.
Okay.
All right, man.
All right.
I'll come in at night and I'll get some gum and save some for me, man.
Okay.
My name's Billy.
I'll be in.
Okay.
All right.
I'll save you some Babel Snatch gum.
So a couple of hours later, I call up and I talked to the manager.
The manager's like, yeah, yeah, I ordered some a couple of days ago and it should be
in.
If it's not in right now, it's going to be in by the end of the day.
I guarantee you.
So I don't know how the hell they ordered it because there was no such thing as Babel
Snatch gum.
I made this shut up and all of a sudden, I mean, everybody wanted this fucking Babel
Snatch gum and it never did exist.
Matter of fact, this prank got so good to where I ended up.
This is, you know, in the eighties before digital cameras even, let alone, you know,
there are phone cameras and all the, you know, Photoshop and everything.
No, we had to like cut stuff out of wrappers and stuff and make a fake Babel Snatch gum
and take an old fashioned, like a Polaroid type of picture.
I forgot what it was.
It could have been one of those little box cameras back then.
Probably the only thing I could afford, you know.
Anyway, we actually took a picture of the Babel Snatch gum and a guy went in there.
He goes, Hey man, I need this.
The guy's like, I know, I know, I know, man.
We're working on getting it in.
It's hard to get, man.
Everybody wants this Babel Snatch gum.
So anyhow, I guess the whole moral of the story is, is don't be a dick to me because
then I'll do something like that.
And even now to this day, I'll have a couple of people on my friends list every now and
they'd like send me a little message.
They'll go, Babel Snatch.
I'm like, ah, ha, ha.
Remember one time I was like working up in fucking New York or something and all of a
sudden I get a ding and like I'm on top of this fucking skyscraper they're putting in
glass and I look down and it says Babel Snatch.
I'm like, fuck.
I'm up there dying in this glass about ready to fall and kill a hundred people.
They recover your body and they look at your phone and the last text you received said
Babel Snatch.
We better look into this.
By some guy named Dirtbag.
So anyhow, that is my elaborate prank section of this unless we throw some more in there.
But anyhow, Babel Snatch.
Never forget it.
This name lives on.
Well, you know, I got a, I got a neat little story here about a little prank that me and
Davey, my friend that I refer to often.
Oh, yes.
Played the old Bannister ball.
Remember that?
Oh yeah.
Boy, that was a, that was an area for a lot of fucking fun.
We used to get away with murder at that place.
We've done the stupidest shit.
Well, there's a security guard, little short little fucker, kind of little dumpy little
guy named Sam and he hated us long hair.
We were in there getting all the chicks and he didn't fucking like it.
Sam used to always try to get me kicked out and Davey too, but more me.
He really hated me for some reason.
So he always screw with me.
He got me kicked out for about two weeks and we went to court and then the judge said you
can't kick him out.
It's a public mall.
So, yeah.
So anyhow, you know, one of the biggest ways to sell the hoax is to, we found this out
was to have a setup guy that no one knew.
Just a guy to confirm what you're saying.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
I did see that monkey over there.
Yeah.
The guy I saw was on top of that building and he was throwing shit at somebody.
The random witness you see disappears.
Yes.
So this guy, okay, this is Bannister Mall, early 1980s.
Me and my good buddy Davey were hanging out and we were crazy long hairs that the average
teen would follow because we're long hairs and we're kind of like the Pied Piper of teens.
People used to look at us and go, well, there's the party, let's just follow them around until
they go to it.
I've done that?
Yeah, they used to do it all the time.
We'd be like, where are you guys going, Cleveland, Ohio?
No, Missouri.
That guy looks like he might have beer.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So they'd just start following us and that's just the way we were and then we'd all introduce
the day, hey, I'm so and so, I'm so and so, you know, and we'd have a good time, Cleveland
Lake or something.
Yep.
And then we'd be like, you know, slamming beers, doing stupid shit.
So Davey and I had certain buddies that would walk up and hear the bullshit that was you
in and then help seal the deal.
They'd sell it completely.
One guy that walked around to help us was a punker named Jason.
Jason was really cool because he looked like the type of guy that wouldn't like us.
But we got to talking to him and we saw eye to eye on everything except music.
Everything else, we were the same, you know, fuck society, fuck the average guy, fuck this,
fuck that, you know.
But when it came to music, you know, we're like fucking listening to Motley Crue, which
you're like, yeah, and he was listening to, I don't know, the Ramones or, you know, or
even deeper than that, you know, Doug Kennedys, the Germs.
Television.
Yeah, yeah, he was a real punker.
The Boy Doids.
Yeah.
He had an orange Mohawk.
Sweet.
Or a black spiked leather.
And Doc Martens.
So, I mean, you know, you got the guy, right?
You know who I'm talking about.
So, great guy though.
I'd love to know what happened to him.
So, Jason, if you happen to hear this abortion, please, oh, I guess that's a bad word now,
isn't it?
Oh.
This atrocity.
There we go.
If you happen to hear this horrible atrocity, then, you know, hey, send us an email.
Yeah.
And I forgot what the valid email is.
We put so many bullshit ones out there.
We can't remember our real place.
No.
There is a valid one and I can't remember what the hell it is.
We also have an actual real phone number.
Hell if I know that one either.
Yeah, so I can't even remember the real one.
There we go.
So.
Show prep.
Yeah.
Here I was talking about show prep and making a big deal out of it and I can't even remember
our email.
So, anyhow, meanwhile, there's this one security guard named Sam that I kind of alluded to
or actually went into a little bit.
Sam was a jealous little pussy bitch.
He constantly tried to get me kicked out and barred from all, and like I said earlier,
he did for a while, for a couple of weeks, and we went to court.
I got back in, which really fumed his ass.
Because every time I seen him, I was like overzealous about him.
Hi, Sam.
How are you?
You came over for dinner tonight, little guy?
A little tiny bit of authority and it was gone.
You look cute today.
I beeped his nose one time.
He came out with unglued.
So, you know, me and David used to play moon tricks on Sam Costin.
Sounds like he deserved it.
Oh, he did, you know.
So, we quickly went to Jason to be the casual guy walking by to sell it.
So, Jason's over in the corner where the movie theaters upstairs used to be
because then they went downstairs for a while and then they disappeared.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, they used to be upstairs, mid upstairs.
So, I think right across from food court maybe, if I remember correctly.
Now in my mind, I'm getting a bit confused with Ward Parkway
because their movie theaters shifted around a bit too.
Okay, well anyhow, this is when they were upstairs
because I remember that part well because people are coming in to go to movies
and we're screwing with them.
So, David and I set this one up perfectly.
We had a buddy that he won a backstage pass to Great White.
Oh, remember them?
It's a video shoot, okay, as an extra.
Oh, that'd be cool.
Yeah.
And he was in it, I don't know if it was once bit or something else, but he was in it.
And on the back was stamped used.
But on the front, it had an MTV logo.
It didn't have a specific band.
It didn't say Great White.
It just said extra for MTV video shoot.
And I remember really well it was green with an orange MTV on it with their famous logo.
It was really cool looking and it was like made with some sort of a
really thick paper and it was engraved, I guess.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, it was raised.
It felt great.
It felt like the seal of something.
Embossed paper, raised printing.
Raised printing, whatever.
It makes it a lot harder to counterfeit.
Plus, it makes it look cool.
So our friend agreed to let us borrow this for a little while.
We got it back to him, like we said, and all that reading.
We didn't tear it up or steal it or nothing.
So, David started waving the card in the air and making fun of me
because he got this and I didn't.
He was like, hey, I'm going to be on this whatever.
Video?
Yeah.
So he's waving around going, I'm going to be on the video and you're not
because you're too stupid and you couldn't win and all this stuff.
So this magical card was supposed to be a freebie to be an extra on the set of MTV.
This is what we set it up to be, right?
A list of hundreds of bands, the secret MTV guy walking around,
he was walking around the mall and this was going to be Sam eventually.
So the secret MTV guy that has these free magical passes was Sam,
only he didn't know it.
So David's like, da-da-da, and I'm like, fucking asshole.
All this stuff.
So automatically, see people getting ready to walk in, right?
Getting ready to go to movies.
Just like magnetic.
They're just staring at us.
And David's like, da-da-da, and all this stuff.
I'm like, man, that sucks, man.
You get to go and I don't.
So David is waving this around, making fun of me, and Jason will walk by.
They go, yeah, I fucking 112, I threw it at him because there's no punk bands on it.
Fuck that.
I don't want to go.
So all of a sudden, those kids are fucking coming over.
What was this?
So.
That's so clever.
Oh, yeah.
We set it up perfect.
So the reason that we picked Sam to do this on that day was because we had the card for a couple of days.
He was wearing plain clothes.
And I guess he thought he was going to catch sock lifters or something not wearing his little fucking bitch outfit that he normally wore.
So Jason, instead of us, goes, yeah, that fucking little douche right there is the one.
That's the secret MTV guy.
We didn't even say it.
He did it.
It sold it even more.
Yeah.
Because all these teens are like, you know, fucking their heads spun around and they're staring at them.
So Jason said, yeah, he goes, yeah, I bit him on the ear to get one.
So the story was, was this.
It's getting better and better.
The more outrageous you were, the more likely you were to get a free pass.
It was perfect.
Yeah, so automatically he had like 50 teens jumping in front of him, fucking biting his ear, kicking him in the ass.
One guy was clucking like a chicken in a space.
Another guy's like, look, look, look, look, I'm a bird.
Some guy fucking jumped off to one side.
Another guy ripped off one of the trees and hit him with a switch.
And Sam was just fucking freaking out, man.
What the fuck?
And they're like, we want a pass.
We want a pass.
What pass?
This probably went on for fucking 25 minutes.
He was losing his mind.
Yes, he was.
He didn't know what was going on.
What planet did I wake up on?
He'd get 10 teens away from him, right?
And then you have 10 more teens attacking.
So we leave.
We let this go on and let it go downhill.
And those teens told another one, get the pass from that fucker.
He didn't give us anything.
So this just kept rolling on and rolling on and rolling on.
So we come back a couple of hours later.
We went to, oh, no, I know what we did.
We went to Andy's Santa Fe and had a burrito.
I remember that.
And we weren't even old enough to drink, but we still did
because they never carted there.
We both had margaritas or a fucking laugh and had our feet on the table and shit.
Davey had fucking flip flops on so they eventually got mad and kicked us out
because you could see his toenails hanging out.
People didn't like that.
So, yeah, we get back in.
And also we see Sam coming by all the shovels.
By this time, everything was gone.
It was all said and done.
I go, hey, Sam, do you want to know where all that came from?
Us.
Davey pulled out the cart and said, see this?
I go, yeah, you just been had, bitch.
Oh, he was fucking furious.
He turned right then.
You motherfucker, I'm going to get you out of here.
I'm going to get you guys kicked out for good.
I go, what for?
I didn't do anything against them all.
We didn't get kicked out.
That was one of the best fucking breaks we ever played.
It was brilliant.
And I just thought about it the other day.
I'm like, my God.
There are some other ones I got to remember that we did to them too.
And then I got another one.
You listen to the solo cast, right?
I'm going to tell the story about the nutbiter.
Oh, yes.
Oh, gosh.
When I was with that band, I wasn't drinking.
So when we played drinking games, I'd have to drink this water,
which is not really much of a game,
because half the game is watching everyone get drunk,
and they have to take a drink or whatever.
It gives you a one-up, though.
You see stupid shit happening,
and other people don't identify with it because they're smashed.
But then again, it'd be fun or smash because you'd be like, ah.
Well, they came up with a variation for me.
Instead of drinking alcohol, I was drinking water.
They made the exception is I could not get up.
I couldn't leave the circle to go pee.
Everyone else could.
But since I wasn't getting hammered on water,
then my punishment was I couldn't pee.
That's a pretty...
Yeah.
That lasted for a while.
And then I was like, OK, I voluntarily lose or quit, whatever,
because I got to go pee right now.
Like that?
Some of those drinking games went on way too long.
And by the time we got back to the club to play that night,
some of us were still a little hammered.
A little residual leftover glaze.
They never done that.
And then you got the choice.
If you're that person, you start the gig off and you're kind of wasted,
do you just keep it going throughout the gig,
or do you let yourself come down during the gig?
By the fourth set, you're like,
I hate life. Let me go.
I was talking to a guy at work similar to that.
When I was younger, I used to have to decide,
because we were out late one night having some beers and stuff,
and I ended up leaving that place like 2.30 or something,
which is rare for me.
Obviously, I've been asleep a long time.
And a couple days later, I'm talking to him.
When I was younger, I used to have that one moment
where I had to stop for a second at what I was doing
and go, all right, I've got to get to work in four hours.
Do I want to just ride this out, hurry it,
and try to sober up the last couple hours and go to work?
Or do I want to shut this fucking thing down,
get four hours of sleep and then go in there and go to work?
And usually, usually it was like, I'm just going to ride this thing through
and I'll sleep tomorrow, which I never did,
because then all of a sudden a bunch of people show up.
And anyhow, they're like, hey, come on, man, get in the car.
We're going to go over to so-and-so's.
And I'll be like, oh, yeah.
And usually it takes me three or four days to catch up,
and then I get up usually on Tuesday night.
But it seems like that would be the wiser choice,
is to stay awake and ride it out.
When I was in that situation...
Yeah, because you feel like shit.
You're going to be sleeping for hours or two and a half hours sleep
because you're forcing yourself to sleep, but you still want to party.
You get a little bit of bad sleep, bad quality sleep.
When you wake up, your body is finally to the point where it wants to sleep,
but now you have to wake up.
Yeah, when you get in that really deep sleep, you wake up.
And then what's even worse is while you're asleep,
you can't monitor your symptoms and take steps to counteract.
Like, if you're dead asleep because you're half-wasted...
No, you wake up where you're at.
Yeah, I mean, you may be so sick to your stomach
that normally you'd wake up and do something about it,
but you're sleeping so hard in those couple three hours
that it just sits there and gets worse and worse.
By the time you wake up, you feel like total shit.
Whereas if you stayed awake, you could treat those symptoms as they came up.
You'd be more tired, but after the end of a couple hours, you're like,
okay, I got my nausea under control.
I got myself hydrated. I got some drops in my eyes.
It usually worked out better because you had that time to start treating yourself.
Yeah.
I would run into that not necessarily because I was wasted,
but just because I was tired.
Some of those out-of-town gigs, I'd work all day Friday,
drive out to some hour and a half out of town, set up, play, tear down,
and then I'd have to drive back to KC and get a little bit of sleep
and go work Saturday because I worked a lot of Saturdays.
Then when I was done with work, I'd have to load up,
drive back to that little town where everybody else still was,
and go play the second night.
It was like, ugh, this sucks so hard.
See, that's when I should have been free-basing Coke or something.
That's when I needed all that energy,
but there I was trying to exist on coffee and cigarettes.
I just wouldn't have gotten it.
Oh, no.
Looks like the show's over, kids.
Mark has explosive diarrhea and can't afford a wireless mic.
Fear not, assholes.
They'll be back invading your ear holes soon.