Live from the historic river market in downtown Kansas City, Missouri, from the crystal blue waters of the Missouri River, it's Two Douchebags and a Microphone Podcast.
And now it's time for the Daily Douchebag Pledge.
Two Douchebags and a Microphone Pledge, I, Joe, or Jane listener, hereby promise to download every show.
I, Joe, or Jane listener, hereby promise to grab family members phones and download the show from there.
I, Joe, or Jane listener, hereby promise to go to public computers and download the show from there.
I, Joe, or Jane listener, hereby promise to laugh at all the unfunny jokes.
I, Joe, or Jane listener, hereby promise to lie to all my friends and tell them how good the show is.
And finally, I, Joe, or Jane listener, promise to visit Montrose, Missouri to take advantage of the power plant, campgrounds, and junkyard all within its quarter mile radius.
Have you ever wondered where something came from? Have you ever looked at something and said, I wonder what the origin of that is?
Well, so have we. That's why we gave you The Origin of...
The Origin of Knee-High Soft Drinks.
Claude Hatcher overheard a route salesman enter the plant one day and describe the competitor's tall bottle as being knee-high.
Knee-high originated with the Cherokela Company in Columbus, Georgia by Claude A. Hatcher in 1912.
Hello, this is Satan. You might know me from my pet name, Inflation.
I'm here to tell you that there's no better way to relax than listening to two douchebags in microphone by a nice warm fire at night.
I sit there and reflect on all the cells I burned that day. Enjoy.
Two Douchebags in a Microphone. The audio equivalent to the meat sweats.
Hi all. This is Chicago. I am the most dangerous city in North America. You can't touch me.
Oh yeah? This is Kansas City here. Hold my beer, bitch.
Two Douchebags and a Microphone.
We Talk. Kansas.
Hello everybody. This is Two Douchebags and a Microphone. I am Mark.
And I am Rob.
Hey Rob, how's it going?
It's going pretty good actually. Today's Wednesday. It's actually my Thursday this week.
Oh, you got Friday off?
Yes. Our company gives us Good Friday paid holiday.
That's good.
Because Easter is always on Sundays.
That is a good Friday. That's a real good Friday being off in New York.
So, yeah, I'm relaxing. Right now I'm going to be bored. I got plenty to do.
Yeah, you're kind of like me. I've been on vacation all week, but I have not been on vacation.
I didn't go anywhere about doing stuff around the house.
And anyhow, we're having some more hot tub issues. The main drain and the pump.
There's a big pipe that goes to the pump that comes out from the pump.
And it's the main circulator of the water in there. Well, it's leaking.
And it's been leaking all over the deck for a little while, but we hadn't noticed it, right?
So we noticed it the other day and the wood is starting to give in a little bit.
So anyhow, I had to go get, I bought a 12 ton jack and I had to go underneath it and put a concrete pad underneath it so it won't sink.
So I got to jack up that part in the middle of the hot tub where the deck is.
I got to jack it up and I'm going to put a couple of posts under there to hold it.
I'm going to measure them and fit them right and then let the jack down and let it support that area for now until later.
I think it's going to be okay because we caught it early enough that the wood isn't just disintegrating.
You'll have to keep an eye on that wood.
Yes, exactly. The first thing I'm going to do is seal it and paint it really good and then see where that goes from there.
But anyhow, I had to go into Harbor Freight and get all this stuff.
I was telling you that there's a neat new thing that got going on, right?
Hello. Hello.
Harbor Freight doesn't pay us to endorse them, but this is a cool thing.
So I go in there and I see the prices of these things.
For instance, the 12-ton jack was $80 and it had a blue price tag on there that said $45.
So I'm like, huh. Well, obviously I'm going to take the $45.
So I put it in the cart. Even if it's $85, I'm going to buy it, right?
But it's virtually half price because it's a really nice 12-ton jack that I could use not just on the deck,
but anything that I got going on around here at 12-ton jack comes in really handy.
So anyhow, I go up to the counter. I got a couple other items that I needed.
I go up to the counter and I go, which price is this?
So is it the blue or is it the regular price tag?
And she goes, well, it depends.
She goes, if you join our club at some sort of a Harbor Freight club deal,
and it costs like $25, $26 a year if you buy it for two years, it's like 26 bucks or something.
I think it's $44 for two years.
They have all these sales, they have giveaways, and then they have so much percent off
and they send you these flyers, you know, come on in and get this for free and come on in.
And we got a great sale on these tools and everything.
Like one day they could have grinders on sale for like five bucks, right, or something like that.
Next day they could have, I don't know, a jackhammer for half price.
Just depends on what you're looking for, you know.
They even have little concrete mixers in there now, which is excellent.
And like we talked about off-air, Rob, we're both nuts about Harbor Freight.
You just have one open up too, right, in Camden, too?
Oh yeah, we just had one, it's in Osage Beach.
Okay, close enough. But love that store.
It used to be that, it looked to me like it used to be they just sold junk.
Now they don't just sell junk.
They still sell junk, but they also sell higher end stuff too.
I mean, or not higher end, quality tools for a little, you know, for a really good price.
I mean, you're not going to get a price like this at any other place.
So essentially what Harbor Freight is doing is they're kind of being like a Costco now.
Very smart. They're not calling it a membership, you know, or like a Sam's Club or something.
They're not calling it a membership.
They're calling it like their own little, I don't know, something club or something.
But essentially what that is, is it's a membership for cheaper prices.
So you give them $44 up ahead of time, like you give Costco, shit, I forgot how much it is, $60 for a white, $120 for a black card where you get money back and all that stuff, you know.
So anyhow, they just have one tier, they don't have all the other tiers.
But anyhow, you give them that money up front.
Of course they get to use that money up front.
And then you get better prices on the back end.
I think it's a great idea and a great business model for a place like Home Depot.
Or not Home Depot, but for Harbor Freight.
And what do you think, Rob, would you do that?
Yeah, yeah, I think I would.
I buy enough tools that it would be worth it.
A lot of the guys I work with go to Harbor Freight and buy a lot of things.
Oh, I love that story.
And actually, years ago when I was living in Kansas City, we would go to Harbor Freight.
Yeah, I mean, and now they have like huge air pumps, industrial ones.
Now they're everywhere.
Yeah, they've had one in Lebanon that all the guys I know would go to.
So now you've got one in Osage Beach.
Or Jeff City.
They have a couple in Columbia.
They just opened a brand new one in Osage Beach.
Okay, and they also have two in Columbia, I know, because I did a lot of work on the...
Oh, two in Columbia?
There's two in Columbia.
Okay, I thought there was only one.
No, there's two.
There's one on the north side of town and one on the extreme east side of town.
And the reason I know this is because a few years ago, I've done a lot of work in Columbia on the University of Missouri library and a couple other places.
And anyhow, I spent quite a bit of time in Columbia and I was on every side of Columbia and that's where I found out, you know, I was like, man, where the hell is that Home Depot?
So I typed it into Google and there's like one like a mile away and I'm like, oh, because I was out to the eastern edge.
I'm like, wow, so they have two.
I don't think they have three.
I think it's two. I thought I saw two on there.
So anyhow, they're doing pretty well.
I mean, they're kind of like being a smart company and doing stuff right, it looks like.
So anyhow, I got the mower fixed myself today and mowed the lawn.
And so I got a lot of stuff done.
So this is kind of neat having a vacation not going anywhere and actually get some shit done.
Right, that's always nice.
Yeah, and I think Friday I didn't get a chance to see the grandkids today because Val got to, but I had too much to do.
So hopefully Friday we're all going to go to the zoo and that ought to be fun.
So that'd be great.
Yeah, especially with a little munchkins along.
So got to cherish time when you can.
Trust me, I know I've got a three year old.
Oh yeah, yeah, because one day before you know it, they're going to be older and it's just not quite the same.
I'm hoping to be around to watch him graduate and get there.
Well, and that's everything that we talked about about your issue that you'd had.
And that's why you're doing something about it.
Yeah, I am.
And everybody's proud of you.
You've got a lot of emails.
I need to print a bunch of them off and just save them for you for when I see you.
You know, a lot of people really genuinely concerned about you.
Well wishing everything.
I appreciate everybody.
I appreciate it.
And like I said, my sword is raised.
Just say battle, I'm going to win.
Yep. Yep.
And thank you everybody for your concern and your kind words, except for two people.
And anyhow, I'm considering blocking them because I don't appreciate that.
Some of the shit that they said.
Because if you step on someone that's having a hard time, that's what you do.
You step on them and take a shit on them.
That's what you do, really?
But everyone else was great.
Anyhow, I've got a story here.
I got another Gen Z story Rob.
We know we love talking about Gen Z, don't we?
Oh, we love it.
Cool.
Alright, well Gen Z, it seems like they have a new thing, relatively new thing.
It's called menu anxiety.
I'm not screwing with you.
This is not the fake story.
And no one caught my fake story yet from last week.
And I'm very proud of it.
So.
And.
I heard nothing, so generally nobody's caught mine either.
No one's caught either one of ours yet.
And I'll check the email again after we get off this program.
And I'll see if anyone's figured it out.
But so far they have not.
I think that I cleverly hid mine so well.
I don't know if anyone's ever going to catch it.
And then yours has hid pretty well too.
Okay, so menu anxiety in Gen Z.
And actually in all fairness, I've kind of had this before.
Okay, there you are not really paying attention.
And you got like 10 people at a table right.
And oh no, somebody's birthday or something.
Then also everyone elects you to go first.
And you've been too busy bullshitting.
And you're like, ahhhhh.
I see where you're going now, yes.
And you're on the spot and you're like, oh man.
What do I do?
And then you're trying to scan the menu really quick.
And get something.
Oh cheeseburger! I'll just go with cheeseburger and curly cubes.
You know and then later on someone orders something really fantastic down the line.
You're like, they had that on the menu? Oh yeah it was on the menu.
Yeah you didn't see it. It was right there in the front.
I'm like no I didn't because you guys made me go first and so I got screwed.
So anyhow.
Oh I totally know that feeling.
Yeah it sucks. It happens it it happens every now and then and you miss out on some good food
because you have to start the order because everyone's looking at you staring at you burning
holes through you because they're all hungry. So.
Well the way I am when we have family dinners or whatever.
Yeah.
I always want last ones to go.
You know yeah and then you're at a restaurant you're the one the first ones.
Yeah that's weird. Oh you talk about getting put on the spot and all of a sudden you're like.
Yeah yeah yeah.
It really is a form of anxiety to be fair.
I don't know if I take it as far as these guys do in Gen Z but it does it rattles me a little bit.
I'm like oh shit man everyone's depending on me to lead off here and and get this ball to rolling
and here I am going oh not even looked at the menu once because I was too busy talking about
some stupid story with somebody. So anyhow so in other words if I'm not doing a podcast I'm doing
a podcast talking to other people. So yeah yeah pretty much. Okay and going out to dinner for the
lecterny list of things Gen Z simply can't or won't do like the rest of us.
A surprising majority of young people reported suffer from menu anxiety while eating in a public
setting. A study conducted by British restaurant chain Prezzo found. Okay it doesn't say what they
serve. So anyhow the name of it is Prezzo found. So anyhow researchers asked more than 2,000 people
how relaxed they felt while eating out hoping to gauge how enjoyable the experience is for everyone.
About 86 percent of Gen Z adults 18 to 24 in this study admitted they have suffered from menu anxiety
while dining in restaurants compared to 67 percent of all the respondents. Some of these young adults
34 percent reported feeling so anxious they wind up asking other people at table to speak to the
waiters on their behalf. Wow! While most people look forward to dining out during the holiday season
or birthdays we know as our research shows it can be stressful for some.
About let's see there's a little bit more on this I'm going to figure out.
Don't want to go any further. Yeah there's a little bit the frequent occurrence of this very specific
fear appeared to be triggered by the increasingly exorbitant amount cost of a meal out. Oh wow!
Okay okay so not only are you on the spot for for you know getting the order started but also
it's the cost of the meal. They're you know they're looking at the menu going shit man that's 25 bucks
all I got's 30 and I've got to get that in the water I guess and I'll have like a few bucks for
a tip. I get that you know the Gen Zers they're not they're not as far along as we are so they
don't they're not making the same money we are they don't have the same money in our bank like
we do you know what I mean and they probably don't keep track of it as well as we do either
because they're young. I was young once you know so um okay the exorbitant. I've never been young
no never. So the. I've always been old. Okay along with the respondent worrying about not being able
to find something they like on the menu or after the fact regretting what they ordered. Now I've
done that before some even took it to extreme with almost 40 percent of Gen Z customers saying they
simply wouldn't go out for dinner if they couldn't check the menu first. I get that because the menu
is so easy to check you go online and everybody has their menu online. A similar study this one
conducted in the United States found that 10 Americans have menu anxiety uh three and 10
Americans have menu menu anxiety. Surprise Gen Zers are the more nervous than the older generations
that's another thing too. The older you get the more you don't give a shit right so if they put
you on the spot um I think I would just sit there and take my time ordering and if anyone didn't
like it they could jump in front of me. But before I wouldn't think about doing that I'd be like I
better come up with something quick that way everyone can like go go about their business
ordering. So nowadays I would take my time and I'd look hey how's the meatloaf here hey um uh
is it? Yeah just well I think I would just pass it on to everybody else you know and then. Well I
try to decipher it with the waiter real quick but everybody looks antsy I'll be like hey you you go
ahead I'm gonna figure this shit out. Right. So uh anyhow. And the bigger the group the worse it gets.
Yes I agree with that. Definitely. And the more pressure you feel um real quick real quick
programming note I forgot we have uh invisible ass paddling a little bit later. Oh damn. Yeah
we couldn't get to him last night. It's been a while. Yeah we couldn't get to him last night well
it's just gonna have to be like this maybe like just keep a running tab but people need ass
paddling and I'm gonna have like three or four sheets of ass paddling and then when we get some
time I'll just work them in hey let's do some ass paddling. You know how like we do the did you
knows and the in the hard facts and stuff like that just be like it. So just uh two three four
five yeah. Yeah yeah and be like hey you feel like some ass paddling Rob hell yeah let's paddle some
asses. So anyhow Rob you got something. Yeah that's what I think too I think it'll work well.
So Rob you got something you want to go to. Yes I do. You said you want to start off right tonight.
I'm just turning off really light. Okay. I found this one on all recipes. I like that website I've
used it quite a bit actually. Oh really? Yeah they uh they have some fantastic stuff on there. They
have the clone recipes you know what I'm talking about. Oh yeah I did not know that. Yeah they have
the clone recipes like uh here's how you here's how you make a perfect taste in White Castle
just like hot off the grill. This is how um for one is like uh Jack Stack you know Jack Stack around
here barb...famous barbecue restaurant. They tell you how they make their beans their barbecue beans.
Their cheesy corn bake is on there. Jesse Jim's bean recipe yeah you know their famous beets that's
on there. It's a clone um it's a I believe it's uh all season or all recipes is the one that
has some of these clone recipes on it. If I'm wrong I'm sorry but I thought that was the name of it but
anyhow I love the clone recipes because you can make stuff that tastes just like
there at home. So anyhow go ahead I'm sorry derailed it. Well with well with this being Wednesday
this Sunday is Easter. Yep. I got up to a little Easter in the night so here we go. Cool.
Forget about March Madness. The only bracket I cared about this month was the one associated with
the 2024 Cadbury Bunny Tryouts contest. Oh yeah. If you're unfamiliar with the last six years
Cadbury has held auditions for its next mascot the Cadbury Bunny and the winners have been almost
every animal but a bunny. Okay. In 2000 in 2019 and 2020 a dog to a dog to a dog to a dog to a dog
and 2020 a dog took the top spot. Interesting. Cool. And in 2021 a frog. Yes a frog. I love that.
Down the winning bunny years. Cool. A one-eyed cat named Crash took prize last year. I don't
know how you got that. Yeah. Crash. The few years winner maybe it's most adorable but unexpected
Cadbury Bunny yet. Cool. And I just want I'm reading it okay but this part of the story but it shows
an Instagram from Cadbury USA. Okay. So everybody go and look I'm gonna read it to you.
Congrats Louie you're the next Cadbury Bunny. Woohoo. Louie is a two-year-old raccoon
from Miami Florida who was rescued by his owner Jamie in 2021 after he had been deemed unfit to
live in the wild. When he isn't lounging in his favorite tree he's busy fundraising for wildlife
rescue and rehabilitation centers by creating art using his toe painting skills. They also go on to
say thank you to all the other finalists all your family and friends and every bunny. Everybody.
Everybody. Awesome. I love that light story. You said you want to start that life. Oh yeah and
then I got some stuff to go into too but Rob did you know that the Mayans love coffee for real?
I'm not joking around. No I didn't know. Yeah yeah they stone ground it they ground the beans
with a stone. Well you know Rick from the Filthy Bean has figured out how to replicate that recipe
and his new stone ground. Is he still talking to us? Yes he is well we're gonna go there here soon.
So yeah yeah we are. Yeah the Filthy Bean has a new blend that's at Kroger's and other select stores
just in Tennessee right now. He's going to be branching out to some of the borders like maybe
I don't know the Missouri border the Illinois but you know just he's going to be branching out.
But I thought it reached down right into Mississippi a little bit. Oh maybe it did it might have so.
It was Tennessee and I think Mississippi I think. Okay okay well his stone ground Mayan coffee is
insanely good. He has somehow figured out the replica. Rick went to these Mayan areas I believe
in Central America to research this and he took the beans and he figured it out. He went there and
he did all of this himself and he's very proud of this new recipe and it's really good and if you
can find it consider yourself lucky because it is flying off the shelves as soon as it gets on the
shelves and that's the Filthy Bean Mayan stone ground coffee. So if you see it grab it it'll be
worth it. So let's uh let's take our first break okay and um okay and I'm gonna come back with some
ass paddling. Sound good? Oh I can't wait I'm ready. Me neither then there's some people who
fucking need it. So we'll talk to you. Hey some good ass paddling tonight would give me a very relaxing three day weekend.
Yeah all right we got some good ones. Right on.
Next up things overheard in hell.
The apocalypse just happened. You don't know what to do. You don't know where to go. But we can tell you what you can eat.
Good news if your good old pal your dog survives the apocalypse too broadleaf plantation is a good
answer for both of you. The entire plant is edible from root to tip. It can be roasted or raw and
is safe for canines and humans. Two douchebags in a microphone invade your ear holes in. Hey who took a dump in the cooler?
And now deep thoughts with Mark.
Whenever I mow my lawn then I look back at the front yard and there's always a couple of blades
sticking up. Are those the blades of grass that were smart enough to duck? Hmm I may never know.
Oh shit what's that over there? Oh no it's island of horrible jokes.
Want to hear a joke about paper? It's terrible.
You're all aware of the amber alert right? Well get rid of your disinfectants and rubber bedspreads kids.
It's the all new amber herd alert system. This fantastic early warning device helps one stay dry
and rid of all those annoying mattress invoices. Simply hook up to child under six or psychopath
and wait for the running water sound. This clever machine has three distinct settings
babbling brook ocean waves and roaring river for those close call. Order today and get a free Cinnabon Renews It Cartridge.
Oh lord that man just saw a puppy in half. Hey there don't worry I have a clown nose.
Oh no that drunk guy just hit my child. It is okay I have a clown nose.
Clown noses are sold at gag stores online and pedophile conventions. Grab one today and make magic happen.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper. It's strange insults from an alien. Real hilarity.
You are the human equivalent to a participation trophy.
Two douchebags and a microphone.
We talk cases.
And I am Rob.
Alright well like I promised Rob we have some ass padlins coming up to some very deserving people and groups or entities or whatever.
Anyhow for the newer people the people have been around a while listening to this program they know that we have been doing the ass padlins for quite some time.
Topher and I started off maybe on the third episode we ever done. So this is invisible ass padlins to people that need it.
And the way the story goes this is how it originated. Topher and I were walking on the beach in the morning in the sand.
And we were not holding hands even though Rob and his brother swear we were. The sunlight was glistening off of our hair.
And the wind was blowing it back just a little bit. And we were walking along and all of a sudden I stubbed my toe.
And I looked down and Topher goes hey dude that looks like a genies bottle. And I go no way that is not a genies bottle.
And I go over there and hey Topher it is a genie bottle it looks like it. So I uncork it and the genie pops out.
And we are like hey we get three witches. And he goes he rolls his eyes. He is a very condescending genie and he couldn't stand us.
But I let him out so he had to serve us. He said you believe everything you see on TV assholes no.
He said you get one wish one wish only and I suggest you make it count. And he goes maybe solve world hunger maybe the atmosphere maybe no more war.
He said why aren't you aint big on this you got one wish. And Topher and I looked at each other and said we want to be invisible so we can ass paddle people.
The genie rolled his eyes very reluctantly did this for us. So he granted us once a month or maybe more now.
We get to turn invisible and we get one person grabs the person pulls her pants down and the other person administers the swats on said ass cheeks.
So that is how this works and every month we deem the people that we are going to go smack in the ass because they need it.
So alright without any further ado and we have some people that are in the hall of fame like Skippy Bayless who else is in the hall of fame?
I'm up to four notebooks now.
Yeah we got a lot of people in the hall of fame.
Well no the whole show so I got it. I'm not on computer I don't have it stored.
Well I had it stored it just takes me a while to find it.
Oh you're going to have fun entering all this shit into that chrome book dude.
It's going to take you a while.
Okay here's ass paddling.
Okay number one the Chicago Bears are getting ass paddling for practically giving away Justin Fields for hardly anything. One draft pick.
They got robbed.
They got mutilated.
They got pantsed.
So they get an ass paddling and this is the whole Bears organization. They all get an invisible ass paddling and I'm going to go step further Rob.
I'm going to give them a bear ass paddling.
Yeah what did you say?
Oh yeah yeah hey bear for the bears.
Yeah that's right.
So they're going to get a bear ass paddling because they need it.
Next one.
Okay well I hadn't even thought about it so I'll hold them for you.
Okay alright and I will administer said swats.
Number two our beloved Kansas City Chiefs I cannot ignore this.
Cannot ignore it. Have to.
Sorry I love you guys but you guys are getting an ass paddling.
And they're going to get a bear ass paddling too for letting Legerrius Snead go for two draft picks.
A third and then I don't know an eighth or whatever the fuck the last fifth one or I don't know sixth one.
Third and fifth.
Third and fifth. Letting Legerrius Snead go for a third and fifth.
So they get a bear ass paddling and they get warned.
If we pull some shit like this we'll put them in the Hall of Fame just because we love them means nothing.
I don't know I've talked to a lot of people that kind of agree with it.
Really? Because of the money? Because we can use that money somewhere else?
Well the money plus.
I mean look what Rashid Rice stepped up and did.
Okay they drafted really well.
He just did not.
A lot of people are feeling like he did not earn his key.
Legerrius Snead was the best. He was the best cornerback in the league Rob.
I thought he was too.
He didn't allow one touchdown all year. Not one. And that's what the playoffs said Super Bowl.
I understand that he wanted to get paid and we couldn't afford to give him that huge contract.
But man could they franchise too.
Anyhow I'm still giving them bear ass paddling.
Next one. The NCAA tournament for having commercials more than the Super Bowl.
That's a record you don't want to beat.
I tried watching some of the tournament and it's almost impossible.
You can't hardly keep a concentration because they keep going to one commercial after another.
And then they interrupt everything. A foul or something.
Someone calls a timeout and they get a commercial on top of a commercial.
It's really going to be ridiculous just like football games.
Where it's like hey let's watch these commercials a football game might break out.
I don't think I'm going to bear ass paddle them yet.
But they're getting close. What do you think?
To be honest I ain't watched a single game yet.
Ok. Well then this is me sitting up.
I work and then I got life.
Ok. Well then I guess you'll hold them for me right?
Oh. Life always.
Ok. Next. T-Mobile home internet for having outages regularly and screwing up my shows.
Because every time it goes out it takes 10 minutes for my fire stick to reload.
So if they have one little blip everything goes to shit.
Then I've got to wait 10 minutes for that damn fire stick to reload.
And they have little spurts of blips of nothing here and there and it sucks.
Meanwhile I'm sitting here working off AT&T on my phone.
Well T-Mobile is the one that paved my area first.
I better give you a shot while I do it.
That's cool.
Alright. Lays and all other potato chips and all bag snacks for having us buy expensive air that fills half of the bag that should be product.
Yes. Yes. They get bare ass paddled and in the hall of fame. I'm sick of it.
I'll buy what looks like a big bag of chips and there's fucking nothing in there.
I mean it's just like maybe four handfuls.
It's like what the hell. This bag looks like it's huge. It looks like there's all kinds of chips in there.
I'm not going to need another one for a year.
Then you get in there and you're like man what the hell. Nothing.
So this shrink flation and lays in particular. You're getting ass paddling from this.
I know. I'm sitting here looking at a bag right now. Honestly. Seriously.
Sitting here looking at a bag right now. I'm not happy with it.
Yeah. It's horrible.
Anyhow. Carvana for allegedly selling my information after I entered it in the website to sell a car. Then I chose to sell it to my nephew because he needed a car for a really good price.
So I pulled. They gave me an offer on the car. Right.
And then I pulled out and was like you know what. I'm not going to sell it now.
And I sold it to my nephew and gave him a really good price because he was looking for a car.
So. So anyhow. Right after that I started getting all these ads for cars.
Now how did they get. How did they all sudden. You know realize that I was selling a car and they're like trying to shove a new car up my ass.
I think I know how. I think that Carvana sells your information.
Allegedly I have no proof but all I know is after I didn't sell it to them I have all these people calling or sending me sending me those flyers in the mail.
So I don't know. I don't know if they did or not but sure kind of looks like it to me.
So yeah. All that goes on you. I'll hold and pull you again.
OK. The Internet for making people temporarily think they know everything.
The Internet was already in the Hall of Fame before.
The Internet was already in the Hall of Fame before but this time it's a special bare ass paddling because I'm getting sick of people knowing everything because they read it on the Internet.
And this includes all these fake stories.
Man people get duped every damn day. Go hey hey did you hear it. I'm like no I don't think that's true.
You get on it and it's like OK where did that come from. Oh I don't know the something something website from.
So I mean you know it wasn't anything legitimate and like people believe this shit and they go around and tell people about it and then stupid people believe it because the stupid person told them they read it on the Internet.
So the royal family for doctoring photos to make it look like Princess Kate is healthy when in fact she is badly cancer.
Yeah. Yeah. I read that. I read that.
Yep. Look I understand privacy and stuff but to me that's a form of lying when you doctor up a photo and make her look all healthy and everything.
That's extreme.
So yeah that right there took it over the limit.
Doctoring photos. Yeah. Yeah. So they get an ass paddling the royal family all of them.
Anyone in charge Charles Camilla Andrew has been thrown out but Andrew just needs like a bullet in his head in my opinion.
So I'm going to waste away like he's doing.
Yeah. Piece of crap.
Okay. All the idiots that complained that Santos Pizza had a sign that said for stupid people did not apply.
I think that's fine. I wish more places would put up. Hey if you're stupid don't come in here and try to apply. We're not going to hire you.
I mean that way you don't spend all that money trying to hire an idiot.
So all people have complained about it online everything you're getting an ass paddling.
Yeah.
I agree. I was thinking that one.
Once you said that I was kind of wanting them to add them to the list.
Oh cool. Thank you for doing that.
Yep. And if people don't know about Santos Pizza is a couple of podcasts ago and it's a sign that said hiring smart people only stupid people don't apply or something like that.
You know. So anyhow they got a lot of heat for it.
So next one tick tock for making zombies out of our youth and helping them do stupid fads and idiotic stunts.
Tick tock gets a bare ass paddling and in the Hall of Fame. They should have been there already.
I have an idea.
Okay.
I think I just came up with a new ultra paddling.
Okay.
An ultra ass paddling. Now what does that entail?
Boat douche bags.
Of course every asshole gets in on it.
So that will be a new ultra ass paddling.
That's what I don't know.
There's something that just stuck in my head when you said that.
That's the preliminary.
Okay we're going to work on that. We're going to have a new super duper ultra ass paddling.
Yeah we have the Hall of Fame but we need something over the top.
We need something that's just going to smoke their ass. You're right.
And I think that right there would do it.
Cool.
My opinion.
I think that sounds great.
So and finally the persons responsible or the person or persons or the groups responsible for scheduling all the road and bridge work for the state of Missouri.
Bare ass in the Hall of Fame.
The most inconvenient times.
They schedule this shit.
Let's put them up for the new award.
Okay they get an ultra ass paddling.
We dealt with it all. We dealt with it all for our lives man.
Yes.
So they get an ultra ass paddling but we're going to go ahead and we're going to figure out exactly the particulars of an ultra ass paddling.
And the Missouri schedulers for their road work they're the first ones to receive an ultra ass paddling.
Also got another one. Skip Bayless too.
Yeah.
Okay and we might even throw in Joe Buck for just good measure but we'll talk about that later.
So let's go ahead and take our next break Rob.
No no no you know what go ahead and go with us.
Actually I think we give Joe Buck his own category.
Okay.
Okay let's go ahead and take our next break and we'll be right back here in a couple minutes.
Let's do it.
And now Deep Thoughts with Mark.
Man I sure wish I was the garbage man.
You know what I could do if I was the garbage man.
I could go to the wrong parts of town on the wrong days periodically in the morning.
And then watch everybody run out of their house in their underwear with two bags of trash screaming stop halt.
Yeah that's what I'd love to do.
Hey fellas remember to wipe away from the twins.
Stay fresh ideas from the douche bags.
The apocalypse just happened.
You don't know what to do.
You don't know where to go.
But we can tell you what you can eat.
Elderberries can be a delicious and tasty treat in the wild.
During the apocalypse this can be a great go to food because it is also medicinal.
It helps with inflammation to headaches and also maybe you're sore from running from that radioactive antelope or whatever.
Take some elderberries.
Maybe you can run a little bit faster and get away from the damn thing.
Hey look I think we found land.
Oh my god I think we're safe.
Oh no it's the island of horrible jokes.
Elevator music is horrible on so many levels.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity.
You are dressed like an assistant debate coach at an Ohio State Middle School.
Do douche bags in a microphone raw and uncensored.
See behind the smoke show.
Watch as the douche bags get stung by a scorpion bee.
Enjoy one of many coffee houses ordering our heroes out.
Watch Mark revisit Clinton Missouri to claim his innocence for all the mad shitter accusations.
I didn't do it. I'm not the mad shitter.
You can get both high quality DVD sets and a free douche bag calendar.
Mark off the day with a douche bag looking at you.
Supplies are limited so act now.
Now from this underground bunker in Camden, Missouri,
stock full of dried guts, canned food, and a couple of vibrating toys,
is ramblings of a mad man featuring Rob Rad.
That fat man would look ridiculous solving crime on a sunny day.
Next time you take a dump, listen to two douche bags in a microphone.
It's been proven in laboratory rats to relax your anal canal.
Get in cover.
Microphone on Mark.
And I'm Rob.
Here real quick, I got a couple of things I want to rattle off here.
Burger King is gearing up for the total solar eclipse.
The fast food chain announced that they're giving out free burgers
in honor of the rare celestial event passing over North America on April 8.
The next total solar eclipse will not occur for another 20 years.
And like the eclipse, which is expected to reach totality in certain cities
for just four minutes, the Burger King deal will last all day.
The exclusive offer is for Royal Perk members who text Eclipse to 251-251.
Fans can then redeem the buy one get one free offer by ordering on the app
and online at bk.com through April 15.
If you're not a rewards member, you can still sign up and join
by downloading the app to be eligible for the sweet deal.
And while we're talking about food, yeah, we're talking about Lay's chips, right?
And they get NASP patling, right?
Yeah.
Okay.
Well, Lay's on their Instagram took and put out a bag of chips on it
that said IHOP, Rudy Tootie, Fresh and Fruity flavored chips.
Everybody thought.
What the hell?
Yes.
Everybody thought it was a joke.
Everybody was laughing.
They go, oh, that's a good one.
They're serious.
They're coming out for a limited time.
That is Lay's potato chips, IHOP, Rudy Tootie, Fresh and Fruity flavored potato chips.
Thoughts?
I have no thought on that.
To be honest, I have no thought.
Oh my God, why?
That's why I asked you.
I don't know why.
That's my thought.
Why?
And this is not the fake story, guys.
You guys haven't figured out my last one, so I can't do another fake story until you guys figure it out.
Yeah, I can't either.
Yeah, we're kind of going to stand still on fake stories until you guys figure those out.
I don't know why, Rob.
I don't know why.
Maybe just to get publicity?
I don't want to think about that name again.
Yeah, so anyhow, I think...
IHOP was Lay's Tootie.
That sounds like a disaster to me.
That's just wrong.
I would agree.
And then finally, starting today, which was about a week ago, Sonic Drive-In has a new limited edition drink available called the Blackout Slush Float to give fans of an out of this world experience dedicated to the total solar eclipse.
Now, customers can order a Blackout Slush Float. Everyone else is jumping on it.
Nationwide, it participates in locations starting March 25th through May...
Oh, I guess.
Okay.
It just started a couple of days ago, not a week ago, through May 5th.
So through Cinco de Mayo.
So March 25th through Cinco de Mayo, you can get a Blackout Slushie.
It does not say what this Blackout Slushie is made out of, which is concerning to me.
I mean, how do they get that color? What do they have to put in it?
Right?
I'm not even going to try it, so I don't care.
All right. Rob, we look at you for the next story.
All right. I'm going to go into the rock.
I'm going into rock and roll.
Sounds good to me.
As he approaches 80, Rock legend Pete Townsend says that he might have one final tour left to do.
It won't be just for the joy of music.
Townsend confesses he's also been touring for the money.
So he went through his money, I guess?
No, no. I don't know. He's touring for the money. It doesn't go into it.
It won't be just for the joy of music, Townsend.
It feels to me like there's one thing that he can do.
And that's a final tour where we play every territory in the world and then crawl off to die.
Oh, wow.
Townsend said in a recent interview with the New York Times,
the original founder of the group, 60 years ago, Townsend is responsible for some of the rock.
It's the group's most iconic song.
My generation, I can't explain, were you, Bob O'Reilly, one of my favorites.
Yeah.
Won't get pulled again and narrate all the songs on the rock opera Tommy.
Wow.
OK, there's just two of the original members left, Townsend and lead singer Roger Daltrey, already 80.
Daltrey acknowledges that such a tour would be one last chance to cash in.
I don't get much of a buzz from performing with the hooties. He told the Times,
if I'm really honest, I've been touring for the money.
No idea on any one of their lifestyle is pretty elevated.
You see, I find that refreshing, Rob, someone actually being honest about it.
You know, everyone says, oh, we want to give the fans one more chance to see us.
I wish they would just say, you know what, we really could use the money actually, too.
So it's like it's like taboo to say that for some reason.
Roger Daltrey is already 80.
Yeah. I don't know how well can Roger Daltrey still sing. He has a very strong voice.
I don't know. That's just what Pete said. Well, but think about this, man. Think about this.
All these other groups are doing their tour on 50 years. Yeah. They would be 60 years.
Oh, wow. Wow. That is something.
Think about it. That would put them in the record books.
Well, you know what? And also, I think they deserve a farewell tour.
They haven't pulled the skimic before. Well, I mean, how many times a kiss have their farewell tour?
Ozzy had a couple. Motley Crue was still fucking. Yeah. So anyhow.
Well, that was Pete's version. Oh, that's cool. I don't know what Roger has said.
I don't know. It takes both of them.
Yes. There's no way they could do it without Roger. Roger Daltrey, that voice, him himself.
Roger and Pete. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Pete Townsend and Roger Daltrey were always the two prolific members.
John Whistle, he died. Yes. Cancer. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Cocaine overdose. I do believe. Do believe.
I could have sworn it was cancer. Hang on. I'll find out.
Let me go in. Yeah. Okay, go ahead. First one wins. Okay.
It's John at Whistle, right? At Whistle.
John at Whistle. Death. Cause of death.
So you did pull up his name. 57 years old.
John Whistle had gone to bed that night with Aslan Rouse.
Aslan Rouse. Aslan Rouse, a local stripper and groupie who awoke the next morning to find At Whistle cold and unresponsive.
The Clark County medical examiner determined his death was due to a heart attack induced by an undetermined amount of cocaine. Yep.
Oh, damn. See, I heard it was cancer. No, no.
And I don't think John at Whistle was an original member anyhow, but he'd been with the band quite a while.
So he was, you know, widely accepted. But anyhow, yeah, at Whistle had one.
I believe it happened in Chicago. I think he went out on a little bender and just did too much.
I was missing form. I was totally tired of cancer.
Nope. Nope. But anyhow, I mean, yeah, I mean, you know, I mean, he went out the way he wanted to probably, right?
Probably. Probably. Probably. Probably. Probably.
There you go. He went to the great beyond with a big smile on his face.
I got one for you. One of 7-Eleven's signature foods can now be washed down with a similar tasting drink, Rob.
Now, what do you think 7-Eleven is famous for?
They have the Big Bite Hot Dog, right?
Well, 7-Eleven is introducing a new line of 7-Select. It was good years since I've been with 7-Eleven.
They had them for the Big Gulp. They had the Big Gulp and they had the Big Bite Hot Dog.
So this was their keynote, their specialty, you know, what they're known for.
So 7-Eleven is introducing a new line of 7-Select Sparkling Waters, including one that has hot dog flavor.
Yes, hot dog flavored setzer water.
In a news release on Wednesday, 7-Eleven said it teamed with Miracle Setzer, however you want to pronounce it,
to create a line of the sparkling waters that will include Big Bite Hot Dog flavored sparkling water.
More details about the availability of that water will be revealed on April 1st.
Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute. I smell bullshit. I smell bullshit.
April 1st. I ain't falling for that.
Uh, nope. You know what? I'm reading this on the internet. I don't have paper to crumble.
Here, hang on. Hang on. Here's what I think of that story.
Dude, I just lost it. I was going through my phone and I just laid back.
April 1st. Okay. Alright, guys.
You got me.
So, anyhow, other flavors that they allegedly are going to come out with April 1st is lemon, lime, green apple, and sweet orange.
They want to be known for having craft setzer waters.
And they figured that the hot dog would be like the shocking one or whatever.
So, I don't believe it though. I'm telling you that right now.
It's coming out April 1st. Bullshit.
So, let's just wait and see.
Yeah, we'll wait and see. But I'm not going to waste any time. I'm going to call bullshit on them right now.
I'm going to tell you I smell bullshit on this one.
So, and since we're on food and stuff...
I'm telling that there fake story of the week.
That is not the fake story of the week.
I encourage everyone to look that up and read what I'm reading.
Oh, there. I'm sorry. Yeah.
Yeah, that is their fake story of the week. I agree.
Yeah. Yeah.
So, while we're on the subject of food, I got one more thing here that I'd like to tell people about.
Melt-a-Mores.
Melt-a-Mores is Hostess' new brand, first ever version of a lava cake.
The fluffy chocolate mini cakes are filled with a sweet center that becomes gooey and melty after just five seconds in the microwave.
The Melt-a-Mores will be available in two varieties, double chocolate and chocolate creamy caramel.
Both cakes will be chocolate flavored with a chocolate drizzle,
but the double chocolate will have a melted chocolate center and the chocolate creamy caramel that have a melted caramel center.
Let's see what else they got to say here.
While the desserts are suitable for the microwave, you don't have to enjoy them that way.
The Melt-a-Mores can be eaten as is, but zapping them in the microwave for five seconds really elevates the experience of a warm gooey chocolate cake.
And it's most famously, it would be like Carnival's melting cake that they're so famous for.
The melting chocolate cake where you stick your fork in and it caves in on it and this warm chocolate comes out.
It's going to be like that.
Hosted Melt-a-Mores are beginning to roll out now, so if you haven't already found them at your grocery store or favorite retailers, you will soon.
The Melt-a-Mores will be available as a box of eight individually wrapped cakes at grocery stores and as single serve pack, which includes two cakes at convenience stores.
Whatever's going on to host this R&D room, we dig it.
Keep it up. Keep it coming, hostess.
So there you go.
Melt-a-Mores sound pretty good to me. What do you think, Rob?
Yeah, it sounds pretty good.
Yeah. All right, Rob, you got anything you want to go into for the last few minutes here of this here podcast?
Oh, to be honest, I'm getting pretty tired, dude.
Okay. All right, that's cool.
I got a long day.
And besides that, you hadn't had a break really all week because we were doing liners the other night.
Yeah, yeah.
And then you did a podcast last night. You're doing a podcast now. You didn't really have any rest at all.
Right.
Yeah, I'm getting...
Thank God. After I get off work tomorrow, I've got till Saturday night.
Oh, that's cool. All right, we'll get together.
Well, unless you want to get together sometime Friday. We can do that.
Yeah, we can probably do that. I'll have to reach out to you and let you know. I'm not sure my schedule.
Right, right. Yeah, I never know mine, so...
I got a tax appointment in the morning, then the zoo in the afternoon, so maybe late afternoon. I don't know. It depends on how long I want to go.
Well, I know. We can make it Saturday.
All right, well, you know what? We'll figure it out because I'm off all these things.
Yeah, we'll figure it out.
Okay, sounds good. So I got some more liners that I'd like you to read off and stuff like that.
Did you hear some of the new ones that I had in the last podcast released today?
Yes, I did. Yes, I did.
Are you? Oh, go ahead.
Hey, by the way, I do have to answer an email.
Oh, okay.
Montrose, one to Palmdale.
Do you remember that email?
Yes, I do.
Well, Rob Rath got three days off. I'll come up. I'll do it by hand.
There you go. You can do it by hand, Montrose.
Now, should they have that clay there?
They should have the clay right there, shouldn't they?
You've got to have that clay so the pond doesn't leak, right?
Right.
Yeah.
Well, no, I'm just digging it.
Oh, they're going to have to figure out. Okay, I got you. That's all they asked for.
They wanted to dug. They wanted to dug.
You know what? You're right. It didn't say anything else.
I have a three-day weekend. I'll come up. I'll do it.
There you guys go. Montrose, you hear that? He's going to dig your pond for you like you asked.
Or, yeah, do you have all the car parts they're wanting or not?
I'm working on it.
All right. There you go. Rob's your man. Not always he's digging your pond.
Well, I'm telling you, there is a battle there.
I'm telling you. I mean, they left Titewatt alone on this last email,
but I'm sure they're going to be taking jabs out of me.
I know, but that's the only place I'm buying the parts.
I think they know this. I think they know this, but they're still going to mow it off.
That's why they're sending you there.
If they went there, they'd probably get rock stone out of them or something.
They'd probably be shot on sight, to be honest. It's that bad.
It's that bad.
Yeah, Titewatt, they don't fuck around, man.
I don't know. I mean, there's a little bit. This is between them. I don't know.
I don't know.
You got Clinton between them.
Yeah.
I'd be picking on Clinton instead of anyone else.
Let's see. Who else is there?
Yeah, but they're picking on all the small guys, what they're doing.
Yeah, you know what? You're right.
Well, if you think about it, Montrose and Titewatt are about the same amount of people, right?
Maybe five, six, right? So they're picking on someone their own size.
No, no, no. I think Titewatt's like 20, 25.
Oh shit. So Titewatt could maybe come down there in numbers and kick their ass.
That's what I'm saying.
Montrose and Bear, watch out.
That's why I personally am behind Montrose.
Yeah. Oh, I got a request for Chet. Chet's trailer is going to be providing the electricity for us in number five campground, the one that's dubbed two douchebags and microphone area.
Oh, awesome. Thank you, Chet.
I would like to make sure that that is going to be an exterior extension cord so we don't get shocked.
It could be rainy. We don't know.
Operating electricity.
Okay. All right. Forget it, Chet. We got it figured out.
All right.
Yeah, we'll cover it. Yeah, we're good.
Okay. All right. Forget it.
All right. Well, I guess that's the end of this podcast, man. Thank you guys for listening.
Thank you, Rob, for joining us.
Everybody.
Oh, Opal. Opal. Hi, Opal. Hi, Jimmy.
Hello. You're on my Opal and Jimmy.
Yep. Hi, you guys. Dodge City, Kansas. Rah, rah, rah. Hope you guys are doing well.
And you had someone else. Don't you say hi to someone in Topeka now, too?
Oh, surely. Yeah.
Okay. Surely in Topeka.
Hi, surely.
Hi. All right. I guess that's the end of this one. Everybody have a great night.
Good night, assholes.
Hey, where did they go? Where are the douchebags?
Oh, my God. Someone took a dump in the corner. Oh, geez.
Glad they're gone. Let's just hope they don't come back. Man, that smells.
That smells.