Live from the historic river market in downtown Kansas City, Missouri, from the crystal blue waters of the Missouri River, it's Two Douchebags and a Microphone Podcast.
And now it's time for the Daily Douchebag Pledge.
Two Douchebags and a Microphone Pledge. I, Joe, or Jane listener hereby promise to download every show.
I, Joe, or Jane listener hereby promise to grab family members phones and download the show from there.
I, Joe, or Jane listener hereby promise to go to public computers and download the show from there.
I, Joe, or Jane listener hereby promise to laugh at all the unfunny jokes.
I, Joe, or Jane listener hereby promise to lie to all my friends and tell them how good the show is.
And finally, I, Joe, or Jane listener promise to visit Montrose, Missouri to take advantage of the power plant, campgrounds, and junkyard all within its quarter mile radius.
Have you ever wondered where something came from? Have you ever looked at something and said, I wonder what the origin of that is?
Well, so have we. That's why we give you The Origin of.
This is the origin of the Big Mac. The original Big Mac sauce was created in 1968 at a McDonald's in Pittsburgh by a franchise owner named Jim Delegati to serve with the Big Mac itself.
The sauce first came in two different flavors, but then they were ultimately combined by McDonald's head honcho Ray Kroc in 1972 in order to ensure consistency.
Invisible ass paddlings, new douche flavors, and horrible pranks. What the fuck is wrong with these guys?
Swimming in toxic masculinity and wiping their ass with politically correct wash rags. Two douche bags and a microphone invade your ear holes in 3, 2, 1.
Next up, Things Overheard in Hell.
Spam. With Spam Helper tonight. How yummy.
Brick Shit House Energy Drink. That's right. Brick Shit House Energy Drink. Make men feel like a girl.
Chew off your balls. Who wants to fuck shit up? What the fuck is going on in America? Brick Shit House is for you.
Please enjoy Brick Shit House Energy Drink responsibly. It's not readily available anywhere. Because of liability issues.
Continuing our quest here at Two Douche Bags and a Microphone to be constantly funny, once again we offer you strange insults from an alien.
When you own shit from your computer, will your head go so attached to it?
Hello everybody, this is Two Douche Bags and a Microphone. I'm Mark.
And I am Rob.
So Rob, how you doing?
I'm doing alright. I'm just kind of, I don't know, I just, I don't have much energy today.
Melancholy is what it sounds like to me, what you describe to me. Yeah.
Yeah.
Go ahead, I'm sorry.
It's been a long week. I think my body just decided to take a day off.
That happens. And also it's the time of year. This is the football's over, not quite NCAA tournament yet.
Who gives a fuck about baseball? You know, it's kind of that weird time of year where people are just trying to transition hopefully into spring.
And you know, you have these really nice days, then you get these colder days that just throw you off, right?
Yeah.
Yeah. And so it's a little bit of that. And also it's a little bit of, you know, like you said, you work your ass off and your body's just, it's tired.
It's like, hey, you know what, I'm not doing anything today, Rob. What do you think of that?
Anyhow, I've got a neat little thing here that I hope you all take advantage of if you get, well, actually you can't take advantage of this because it's only in Japan, I think.
So anyhow, but I'm still going to talk about it.
All right. Burger King offers all you can eat promotion.
Oh shoot. Where are my glasses? All right. Okay. There they are.
Yeah. My son and his friends took me out to dinner last night.
Oh yeah. Cool.
Buffalo Wild Wings. And I went off, forgot my damn reading glasses. So I couldn't even read the damn menu.
Oh shit. Did they read it for you or did they make fun of you?
No, no. I just ended up getting a mushroom Swiss burger and onion rings.
Oh, you can't go wrong with that.
And of course a couple of Yen Lings.
Oh, of course. Absolutely.
And they come in big glasses too.
Big glasses. Yeah. Yes they do. Oh yeah.
A Yen Ling on tap is a work of art, isn't it?
It's got that fresh, multi-taste. Oh man, it's so good.
Oh geez. I just whistled like an old man. What the hell? Okay.
And also I want to give a shout out to our server Gene at Buffalo Wild Wings at Osage Beach.
I heard she was naked. No, I'm joking.
He was great, man. He was great. Yeah. Gene.
Okay. Yeah. He's a great guy, man. He took care of us. He was right there.
Kudos, Gene. Thank you. And he said he'd listen to our show.
I'm sorry I accused you of being naked and called you female, Gene. I'll never do it again.
Dude, yeah, you may not want to do that. Yeah. Yeah. I apologize profusely.
He looked like he'd whip either one of our asses.
Gene, I throw you all apologies. He was a great guy. Okay. That's cool.
All right. All right. Well, it's not unheard of for fast food chains to offer all you can eat deals.
That has not been something Burger King or McDonald's or Wendy's has done.
Pizza Hut has offered all you can eat buffets. And there's a couple other ones, you know, but most of them do not offer.
Wendy's used to do back in the 80s, remember? They had that big buffet bar with a chili and all that stuff.
It was actually pretty good. Yes. Excuse me.
Burger King Japan will be using the Big King Yeti for a limited time.
And I'll tell you about the Big King Yeti here in a little bit.
For a limited time, all you can eat promotion in Japan.
You can eat as much of it as you want with Burger King's Japan one pounder challenge.
That's the Big King Yeti, but I'll tell you about that here in a little bit.
It's a one pounder burger they're coming out with.
For 45 minutes you'll get an all you can eat King Yeti plus medium french fries and a soft drink.
You have to finish the item before ordering another one.
And the last order is set at the 30 minute time mark.
And after the 30 minute time mark, it's over. You can't get any more.
Taking part in the promotion won't be cheap. It will cost you 3,900 yen or roughly 26.56.
And participants get a t-shirt and a custom Whopper cases for taking part.
You get a custom Whopper case dude.
Cool.
That is cool. I would love to go into a Burger King here and go, here's my Whopper case.
So when you make my Whopper will you please put it in there?
Yeah.
What were you going to say? I'm sorry.
No, I wasn't going to say that.
I'm hearing shit today Rob. I keep thinking you're trying to say something.
Alright.
No.
Okay. In the US Wendy's also has embraced the bigger is better mantra.
But it has done so quietly which they have. They came up with all the bacon and then the big burger and all that stuff.
The chain allows customers to add more patties, a total of four, to the two patty 960 calorie Baconator.
That's a stunning amount given to the often vilified Big Mac that comes in at 563 calories.
But the Big Mac just doesn't have the taste it used to. Do you agree?
Right. Right. I agree too.
Yeah. It's just not very flavorful. No wonder it's only 563 calories as I say facetiously.
While the Whopper beats it at 677 calories, at their US locations at least in recent years the Big 3 have generally not touched high calorie counts.
Even while offering them because remember high calorie counts were taboo.
For a long time when Subway came out and all that, it was like, you know, all of a sudden it's like hey, instead of going large, let's go small.
Let's start offering stuff that's diet friendly or whatever.
In Japan however that's not the case there. Burger King has embraced the promoted massive burgers.
The biggest of them, the Great King Yeti, weighs in at a full pound, 454 grams.
The chain touted the burger on its ex-feed, formerly known as Twitter, and teased a novel promotion.
Two weeks left, Great King Yeti, the one pounder, the Yeti will soon return to the snowy mountains.
It looks like he won't be participating in this year's All You Can Eat event.
We're currently planning this year's All You Can Eat event.
The first installment is scheduled for around May so please wait for further updates that Jane said.
So I guess if you want a Yeti, better go get that shit now because it's going to be gone.
Yeah. Yep.
So anyhow Rob, we turn to you. You got something you want to speak about?
Yeah, I've got a product recall.
Oh, okay.
A common spice used in cooking and baking has been recalled due to risk of causing permanent health damage.
Who?
A nationally based Raja Foods LLC has issued a recall of its 3.5 ounce SWAG SWAT brand cinnamon powder
due to possible wet contamination discovered during a routine sample by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration
according to a recall notice posted by the FDA.
The spice sold in clear plastic bags was distributed to grocery stores across the Midwest, Northeast, and Southeast regions of the U.S.
The products listed in the recall have a UPC code of 0-51179-34280-4
and are from the following two batches.
KX21223 best before July 2026 and KX08123 best before March 2026.
Okay. Thank you.
Everybody watch out.
Yep. You remember the show The Sopranos?
Yes.
Did you ever get into it? Did you ever watch it?
No, I didn't. I'm going to get around to it.
Okay. No, that's fine. Not everybody got to watch it. I mean, I wasn't into it for a long time.
I resisted for a long time because everyone else was talking about it.
I'm like, you know what? I don't want to sit around and work talking about some show.
So I refused to watch it until like the third season.
I was like, oh my God, I should have started watching this way before
because it is easily one of the best shows ever made.
I mean, easily. It could be the best show ever made.
So anyhow, the famous last scene is it goes black.
They call it the fade to black scene.
And that's where Tony and his family are eating onion rings at this drive in kind of old fashioned diner in New Jersey.
And Tony looks up and it's almost to the end of Don't Stop Believing and screen goes black.
Everybody's fucking talking about it. They still talk about it.
So anyhow, it was a brilliant ending if you think about it because everybody had their own version of what happened.
So anyhow, the famous booth from the Sopranos final episode, which aired on the 10th of June 2007.
Oh my God, I feel old. Has recently been sold on eBay.
According to the website, the iconic piece of TV memorabilia went for $82,600 after 238 bids.
The sellers of the booth, Chris Carley and Ronald Stark, who owned the Bloomfield, New Jersey ice cream shop, Holston's,
which was featured on the show and now set their time as the owners of the iconic booth was over.
The time has come. All good things sometimes need an upgrade.
The famous Sopranos booth is getting much needed facelift.
Carley and Stark wrote on the Facebook and Instagram.
Please understand that we don't want to do this, but the integrity of the booths now compromised.
They now have to be repaired many times and this furniture is over 60 years old.
So anyhow, pretty interesting. $82,000. I told you it was a great show, dude.
Well, no wonder. So anyhow, while we're speaking of that, there's a new book coming out.
Everyone knows that James Gandolfini, who was Tony Soprano, passed away young.
50 years old, heart attack.
Well, there's a new book coming out about his erratic behavior and substance abuse issues during the final season of Sopranos.
Arthur Mark Kamine worked as a locations manager on David Chase's HBO through six seasons.
His book on location lessons learned from my life and on set with the Sopranos and in the film industry is out today.
Kamine writes that Gandolfini held it together until season five when his addiction issues and apparent discomfort with fame began to feed into one another.
The Tony Soprano actor became increasingly unreliable and provoked.
Discussed from his co-star, Edie Falco, he claims off air because of his behavior and his actions.
And anyhow, I think I'm going to get this book and not because it highlights James Gandolfini's shortcomings.
I mean, because I think it's easy for someone to go, oh, that guy was a drug addict.
You know, you have everything handed to you at once and everybody loves you and kisses your ass and follows you around.
You know what, man? You suddenly start believing yourself.
I bet most people suddenly start thinking a little bit more of themselves, right, Rob?
I think it's a very hard line to walk to stay humble when you have everybody kissing your ass and throwing themselves at you and giving you drugs if you want and all that stuff.
So, you know, he probably could go to the doctor and go, yeah, I need 30 morphine tablets.
And the doctor go, oh shit, that's James Gandolfini. I better give him that.
You see what I mean?
It's probably not very easy to be in those shoes, although everybody would love to go, oh, yeah, hell yeah, I would have played him.
You know how much money he made. I don't think it's that easy to have that much fame and especially suddenly like he did.
Gandolfini's problems came to the fore during a shoot for the episode, Pie, Oh My!, which that's where I believe Tony's horse was killed, in which Tony develops a penchant for horse betting.
Some scenes were shot at a real horse track and after work, Gandolfini would retire with a crew to bet on horses or visit nearby Atlantic City.
One night, Kamine was invited to join Kamine, if you don't remember, is the author of this book.
I am at the hotel bar when the crew member closest to Jim asked if I want to go down to Atlantic City with Jim and a few others.
It's over an hour away. I declined.
He recalled, the next morning, I'm not surprised when Jim cannot be roused.
Gandolfini showed up four hours later, cursing his way through his half-learned lines, doing take after take, drinking coffees and bottles of water, Kamine wrote.
That day, Gandolfini was alternatively sheepy and shurlish, whatever the fuck that means.
The way he always is when he fucks up, the author continued.
After shockingly alleged incidents occurred while the crew was shooting scenes at the soprano home, a private residence rented for the production,
when the homeowner greeted Gandolfini and began asking him conversational questions, the actor couldn't remember who he was speaking to.
Jim, many occasions, hit himself in the face. He was so mad at going out and getting trashed the night before.
He was so angry at himself for doing that, he would hit himself in the face.
Then they said his divorce came soon after that, and that was another nail in the proverbial coffin, if you say.
So, anyhow, I could go on with this, but I think everyone gets a picture.
I think this guy was really tortured. I think that this fame and everything kind of got to him.
He played such a polarizing character that I think there was no way he could get around it.
Because to many people, James Gandolfini was Tony Soprano in their mind.
That's how strong this show was. Because this was one of those shows, and when you watch it, you'll see what I mean.
Where you have this guy, he's a mobster. A very nice guy, a lot of times, does really mean shit.
Steals money, kills people, all this stuff, right?
But at the end of the show, you have empathy for him because he's so tortured.
So that right there is strong character and perfect writing. Why would you feel sorry for a character like that, right?
You wouldn't, you'd be like, I don't fuck that guy.
But because this show was written so strongly and the characters are so vivid and forward, you can't help but feel empathy for them.
Because Gandolfini, I read he used to put rocks in his shoes whenever he had to do a filming with his sister Janice on the program.
Her name was Janice. And she would constantly do stuff to piss him off.
And he couldn't really get that anger unless he put rocks in his shoes.
He put rocks in his shoes, and you know how snapping mad that makes you, right?
You got a rock in your shoe, you're like, oh shit, this slaps, got that.
Okay, so there you go. To me, that is just perfect method acting.
It's like, well, how do I act that mad? Hmm.
Oh, I'll put rocks in my shoes and when I walk up to Janice, I'm really going to be mad.
So, anyhow, that's enough of that. I thought that was, I'm going to get that book and I think it's going to be an excellent book.
So, anyhow, we'll be right back here in a couple of minutes.
So, you're going to hear a couple of ha-ha's and we will speak to you guys here real quick. Right, Rob?
Right.
Alrighty.
Hey fellas, remember to wipe away from the twins.
Stay fresh ideas from the douchebags.
Hey, look, I think we found land. Oh my God, I think we're safe.
Oh no, it's the island of horrible jokes.
A skeleton walks into a bar. He says, hey bartender, I'll have one beer and a mop.
Hey, look, I think we found land. Oh my God, I think we're safe.
Oh no, it's the island of horrible jokes.
A skeleton walks into a bar.
I dreamt I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.
Now it's time for pick up lines from a loser.
Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk by again?
Now from a center round bunker camped in Missouri, stocked full of dried goods, canned food, and a couple of vibrating toys, is ramblings of a madman featuring Rob Ratt.
My mechanic told me I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made you one ladder. Good job.
Two douchebags and microphone, welcome back, I'm Mark.
And I am Rob.
Rob, you got something.
Yeah, I went across a little article earlier today.
That was something I didn't know.
I'm from Missouri and I didn't know this.
Northeast Missouri is well known for its rural farmland, small streams, and windmills.
No one would guess that one of the tallest females in history lived right here in the area.
I said I wanted to know.
Ella Ewing, also known as the Missouri Giantess, was born in 1872.
Even though she lived like a normal infant, her childhood was a different story.
This time in her life was marked by a difficult time in school.
She had a hard time in school, clap remark.
She eventually got to where she didn't fit in the desk, and her dad made a desk for her and brought it to school, which was embarrassing for her.
Her height forced her to live life custom made from size 24 shoes, abnormally large chairs, and extra long dresses.
One of her height quickly spread around the area, and a man from Chicago presented her with a contract for a role in the circus.
Despite being made a sideshow act, the money rolled in and she used the funds to help out with the family farm.
She would eventually pass away at the age of 40 from tuberculosis.
Good old TB.
Yeah, she is buried in a small cemetery just out the south foreign desert.
And you know what Rob, you just brought back memories.
Val was talking about her, she knows the people that are descendants of her.
She's friends with them.
Her name was Ella Ewing.
Yeah, I didn't recognize the name, but when you talked about it, where it was at and everything, I was just talking to Val about it the other day.
Yeah, she knows the descendants of her.
So anyhow, it's just interesting, it's all connected.
Anyhow, go ahead.
This woman was 8 foot 4 and a half inches at age of 22.
Wow.
That's a tall woman.
Shit. Think of how miserable you'd be.
Yeah.
But you know what I do, I go around and fart on everybody.
I would eat the worst foods as fast as I could.
And I'd just go around and blast people right in the face.
I'd have the fun with it.
It's just like when I was up in Boston, I was up there for like a month working at my old job.
And anyhow, there's this little dwarf guy that served drinks every Tuesday night.
They were free, right?
Well, he didn't serve drinks.
I think he hung around and got free drinks.
And anyhow, he used to follow me around talking to me.
And I really didn't feel like talking to him.
I don't know, there's something kind of wrong with him.
So anyhow, I would just fart as much as I could.
I would slam as many beers as I could.
And then when he'd start following me through the hallway, I'd just blast him right in the face.
It was funny.
Anyhow, okay.
But I'm childish.
So anyhow, very cool, man.
Thank you.
I have some emails.
Alright.
Okay.
Oh, by the way, Rob, someone caught you on your fake story.
Who did?
Yes, they did.
And the reasoning kind of got me off guard.
And I was like, okay, I guess so.
Dear Newsbags,
I wanted to know what days are the actual release days for your podcast.
And is there a way to automatically have it sent and download it to my phone?
I've heard of this before that it can be done.
Thank you, Tamara.
Okay.
You can do that yourself.
I can't do it for you because I don't know your phone.
You know what I mean?
So, you can go and you can do automatic downloads of any podcast on most services.
You just have to get in there to the settings and find it.
And you can do it yourself.
And the release days are pretty much like this.
Let's see.
What days do we record?
It will be the next day it's released, usually.
So, we record Saturday and Sunday.
So, usually Monday.
No, okay.
Sunday and Monday is usually release days.
And then we record Tuesday and Wednesday.
So, Wednesday and Thursday are usually release days.
But sometimes they vary by a day or so depending on what's going on.
Sometimes I'm too busy, whatever.
So, that is generally four podcasts a week.
They're usually a little bit over an hour each.
And that's pretty much the format right there.
So, thank you for inquiring.
And I love the fact that you want to receive our product every day.
It's very flattering.
But you have to do that part yourself.
So, anyhow, thank you.
Hey, douchebags.
I'm betting Rob's fake story is the one about the tree hitting the woodchipper.
I can't believe the guy would still pay you after that blunder.
Mitch at Overland Park.
Mitch at Overland Park has written us quite a bet if you remember.
Yeah, yeah, he has.
Yeah, thank you, Rick.
Thank you.
Thank you, Mitch.
You caught him.
I caught you.
I owe you a bunch of pencil shavings.
All right, Mitch.
Your pencil shavings are on their way soon.
I have been watching a lot of Axeman lately.
We had that forklift thing coming out.
That would be a good time to fit that in.
I got seven emails that said that was a fake story.
And every one of us was like, nope, nope, nope.
It was fun.
They were certain they had you.
By the way, the forklift is fixed.
And they even put a brand new seat on it for us.
Oh, cool.
Now you can fart that one up.
It's funny because some of the smaller guys, it's got a button in the middle of the seat.
Uh-huh.
If you don't detect you, it'll take it neutral.
Yeah, at my old job they did that.
Some of us smaller guys are having a hard time with it because it's a brand new seat and it's so firm.
It's not effective.
I know the secret because...
We had to set on it just right.
It's funny.
Rob, I used to get by with this.
What you do is you buckle the seat belt and it thinks you're on there.
And then sit on the buckled seat belt.
Try it.
It works.
Oh, this goes right into this.
Mark, why is it you stop dogging your old employment?
I used to crack up at you chipping at them even though you never mentioned their name.
You could if you wanted to.
Your opinion is your opinion.
Bart and Rosemont.
Okay, first off, where's Rosemont?
Is that Missouri or not?
I don't think I know where they are.
Hang on, let's take a look here.
I want to know where they're coming from.
It's just...
Okay, let's see.
Rose...
Village in Illinois.
Yep, just see that.
Northeast...
Northwest of Chicago.
Okay, all right.
We have quite a few hits from Chicago.
Okay, thank you Rob.
Okay, first off, I grew tired of dogging on them.
I don't care.
You know, and as far as mentioning their names, I don't have to.
Whenever I say that shithole by the Blue River, they know I'm talking about them.
And that's all I want.
They know how I feel.
And I get to express it whenever I want and people listen to it.
That's good enough for me.
I don't need to mention their names, not because I'm afraid of them or nothing.
It's just it doesn't have to be.
They know who they are and they know who I'm talking about.
So, anyhow...
And I also find this email kind of...
odd also.
What do you care if I mention their name or not?
You don't know them. You're from Illinois.
See what I mean?
Yeah.
Anyhow...
Thank you Bart.
Okay.
Mark, you are the radio guy. I think you are.
The only reason I'm doing this is because we're going to give him a day that I come out.
Okay?
Okay Rob? Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.
Do I really am?
Yeah.
Mark, you are the radio guy. I think you are.
I just want credit when I am vindicated.
I'm not the only one who thinks this.
His name is Mark in KC and he put his phone number on here.
So, I'm going to call him one of these days.
So, anyhow...
Okay Rob.
I got it.
And this whole charade Rob...
April 1st...
I'm going to come out.
As who I really am.
Okay?
April 1st.
The April 1st podcast I will reveal who I am.
Who Mark already knows who I am.
And he will be vindicated then.
So, stay tuned for that April 1st show, okay?
Oh!
We got a Montrose one.
Alrighty.
Hey douches.
Howdy boys.
I was wanting your pants and jacket sizes.
We are having a Civil War enactment in May here in Montrose.
And we would like you two to participate in the huge event.
Oh, that sounds great.
I'm going to grow my mutton chops out.
That sounds awesome.
Let's both grow our mutton chops out.
We'll look really cool in the Civil War in.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's what we do.
Okay, so they want us to participate in it.
We will even let you help skin the glowing catfish out of the power plant cooling lake.
Oh, we get to skin the catfish dude.
Awesome.
These guys love us.
I love us.
But, P.S.
I'll always bring my own knives.
P.S. Now I need a new wiring harness from the 72 Coupe de Ville.
Betsy our pet squirrel bit clean through the harness.
Chet in Montrose.
Hear that Rob?
Wiring harness.
Are you writing that down?
Yeah, I'm writing it down.
Okay, good.
Alright.
I'm on it.
Rob's on it.
He's going to get your wiring harness and your bumper and a quarter panel for a Chevelle.
Is that it?
Yeah.
No, it was a Chevy Vega.
A Vega. A Chevy Vega.
That's right.
I'm still trying guys.
Rob's on it man. These are hard vehicles to find parts for, but I will do it.
Well, Montrose is not being very cooperative, are they?
There seems to be a little bit of a rivalry between Montrose and Titewad for some reason.
Each place doesn't like each other and as soon as we try to get the bumper out of Titewad
and they find out it's going to Montrose and they take it back and they want to charge us five times the amount.
So, yeah.
We don't know what's going on there, but we hope you guys get your differences solved.
Because Chet needs his harness and bumper and quarter panel, right?
Right.
Alright.
And we're going to try to get it to him because Rob is that kind of guy. Upstanding guy.
I'm trying to play middle man here, but you guys are making a little hard on me.
Yeah, you guys are. Whatever the rivalry is, come on. Put down your weapons. Just come on.
Can we all hug it out? I don't know what happened where, but can we just hug it out? Right?
Right. That's our main goal now is to get Montrose and Titewad back together.
Yes, and therefore delivering the bumper, the wiring harness, and the quarter panel.
Yep.
We hope to have that when we come down and we're in the Civil War enactment.
We hope we bring that in tow, but we will find out.
So, we turned our...
No, Rob, that would give us time to utilize our camping spot.
Yeah, that's right.
Oh, I forgot. I'm going to send him an email back and say make sure that the two douchebags and microphone camping spot is available.
Yes, we're going to need it.
Yes. Okay, Rob, that is the last of the emails. There weren't too many. I'm getting them caught up again.
Last week, the majority of the emails were people thinking they caught you in a fake story when they didn't.
So, anyhow, that's it. I'm caught up for right now. So, go ahead.
All right. Okay, first off, my brother went to Kansas City for a couple days.
All right. He lived, yay!
And his wife, him and his wife went to see her parents for a couple of days, and they got back home yesterday on her birthday.
Oh, cool. Good.
Happy birthday, Jay.
Happy birthday, Jay. Happy birthday to her daughter, my niece, Callie. They shared the same birthday.
Happy birthday, Callie.
But when he got home, in the mail was his certification to be a count in C-Land. He got his certification. He is Lord and Count now.
Awesome. So, his wife became a countess on her birthday. He did that for her.
And that's what she wanted, to be a countess.
Yes, luckily, somehow it came through on her birthday.
Tom, you're a great man. You're a great man for doing that.
Yes, you're a great husband and you're a great brother. Thank you.
Yes. Awesome.
Are you done or are you going on?
Well, I'm going. You got trouble.
Okay, I've got an interesting story here. Remember Danny Masterson, the guy that raped the girls from that 70's show, right?
Yep.
Okay. Well, someone scammed him. Yeah, it's pretty cool.
A convicted con artist sought out troubled celebrities like former Congressman George Santos and actor Danny Masterson and then falsely promised to resolve their legal woes in exchange for large sums of money, federal prosecutors said.
According to a newly unsealed affidavit, Hector Medina, who went by the name Michael Soto, had prior convictions for theft and fraudulent activity.
Last July, he began messaging Santos, identified in the affidavit only as then representative of New York's 3rd District.
At a time when the controversial lawmaker was facing a slew of legal challenges, the affidavit said.
Medina sent multiple text messages, videos and images of Santos in which he falsely advertised that he could arrange for his criminal charges to be dropped
or for evidence to be destroyed in exchange for $900,000, according to prosecutors.
In one video, Medina said, if you're interested, I can get everything dropped. Evidence is on you, removed, disappeared.
Reach out to me if you're interested. It's simple, yes or no.
Santos was hit with 13 counts of criminal indictment on May 2023, including allegations of money laundering and public funds theft.
Anyhow, Danny Masterson was also a victim, although both of these guys I'm laughing about because they got duped.
So the same thing he did to Danny Masterson, he sent him text messages and he claimed that he could get him off on all charges
and all evidence removed and everything sealed. Of course, he was a con artist and couldn't not.
Anyhow, I hope both of those idiots gave him the money because I think it's great.
They do illegal stuff and someone does illegal stuff on them, I bet you they're outraged, right?
Right.
Yeah. So anyhow, I wanted to read that story a little bit ago, but I, you know, actually a little bit ago, like a couple of weeks ago,
but I didn't get around to it. Anyhow, I wanted to get that one because I really liked that.
Anyhow, Rob, you got something.
Yeah, yeah. I got one here about Tim Allen.
Oh, I love Tim Allen.
It's been almost three years since Tim Allen's long running sitcom, Last Man Standing, was canceled.
The veteran actor has managed to stay busy since then, though with his more recent gig being a streaming production.
Now it would seem that those who've been eager to see the TV icon back on the small screen won't have to wait too long.
Allen is reportedly returning to ABC, which has both Last Man Standing and Home Improvement for a new multi-camera comedy.
Per deadline, the network has issued a pilot order for a family comedy headline by the actor-comedian.
The series, which has the working title of Shifting Gears, would see the star play Matt, the stubborn widowed owner of a classic car restoration shop, who's...
Oh, damn it.
Give me just a second.
Okay.
I'm going to make fart noises while he looks for it.
Oh, my damn phone's jumping.
There we go. I don't know where the hell my phone went.
Hang on, I got one more fart. I got one more fart.
Okay, go ahead.
Okay.
Okay, the star will play Matt, the stubborn widowed owner of a classic car restoration shop, whose world has upended when his estranged daughter and her teenage kids move into his house.
The show will be written and executive produced by Mike Scully and Julie Thacker Scully, who previously served as executive producers on Last Man Standing.
It goes without saying that Tim Allen's collaborations with the Alphabet Network stretched back decades. His latest popular sitcom, Last Man Standing, aired its first six seasons on the channel from October 2011 to March 2017.
It was ultimately canceled and moved over to Fox for three more seasons before ending in 2021. And of course, the Berkeley Phony comic famously played Tim the Toolman Taylor on the beloved sitcom Home Improvement for the same network for eight seasons from September 1991 to May 1999.
Hmm.
That's good to see, Julie, back on TV.
Oh, I love the guy. He's an excellent guy. I love his point of view. He's just a good person. Glad to see him doing well.
And from the description of the show, I think that would be a very fitting role for him.
I think so too. So, like always, he's doing it again. So, excellent.
I don't like to see it.
Yeah, me neither. I've got an interesting story here.
You know, all the recent talk of a new downtown ballpark here in Kansas City for the Royals, right?
They really want to do a downtown park. It's going to be, if they're correct on where they want it and it goes through, it's going to be in the Crossroads District on the east side.
Oh, they're kind of near Bruce Walken 71.
Okay.
Sandwichin, I think, is going to replace the old Star Building and a couple other buildings there.
And anyhow, it's a cool looking ballpark, the drawings, you know, the very primitive everything looks great with parks around it and all that stuff.
But George Brett was asked his opinion on the matter.
Brett said that a new ballpark was okay with him at a new downtown address. Brett just had one request. He wants a urinal out of the old Kaufman Stadium.
Probably wouldn't be hard to come by considering that when the seats were taken out of the stadium and replaced with new seats, the old seats were a hot item in demand.
Many seats were sold for charity. I imagine George might be able to get one of those on hand at his home as well.
I will keep you up on this story, but I'll bet you anything, George Brett gets the first one, the first urinal, don't you think?
Yeah, I read that story.
Oh, okay.
I have that story saved. I was going to save it for some other time, but you beat me to it, buddy.
Okay, well, sorry about that.
That's what we do. No, no, that's what we do. And we don't even know it.
Yeah, okay. I got a little tidbit too here.
According to a study by scientists at the University of Mont Peler, people who ate a breakfast that consisted of refined carbohydrates like white bread and pancakes were rated less attractive than those who chose unrefined foods such as whole grain bread and oatmeal.
Carbohydrates make you less attractive is what this study suggests.
And you know what? Rob, I believe it.
You ever eat a lot of carbs and then look at yourself and you're all puffy?
Yeah, yeah.
I would bet that that's what happens. Yeah. I think that that's probably right on true.
Even though most people probably go, that's not true. No, I'll bet you it is. Because if I eat quite a few carbs, I can look in the mirror and go, oh, Jesus, what happened to you, you fucking chipmunk?
So anyhow, I thought that was an interesting study. And I think it's true.
Anyhow, let's take our second break and come back here in a minute. Does that sound good?
Sounds good. That's what will happen right now.
The avatars just happened. You don't know what to do. You don't know where to go. But we can tell you what you can eat.
The wild violet is an unsung hero. Most people don't realize that the flower can be stewed to make a delicious vinegar for the fresh greens that can be picked in your front yard.
Violet soap can be easily made as well. The flower is full of many essential minerals as well as vitamin A, C, and E. It is literally one of the first superfoods.
Hey fellas, remember to wipe away from the twins. Stay fresh ideas from the douchebags.
And now, deep thoughts with Mark.
Does the dictionary actually have the word dictionary in it? Maybe I'll go look.
Next up, Things Overheard in Hell. Hurry up. King Jong Un is playing Santa at the mall again this year. Yay!
Oh shit, what's that over there? Oh no, it's the island of horrible jokes.
A ship-tied red paint and a ship-tied blue paint collide. They were all moored.
Ha ha ha.
A brand new future. Strange insights from an alien.
May you always step in a wet spot after putting on fresh socks.
Hey look, I think we found land. Oh my god, I think we're safe. Oh no, it's the island of horrible jokes.
Oh my god.
My wife said I should do lunches to stay in shape. That is a big step forward.
This is a voice guide from your favorite podcast, Two Douchebags in a Microphone.
People often ask us how they can find us when doing a remote broadcast.
1. Smell. Go to the city market and start sniffing.
Our aroma has been described as a mixture of flea powder for goats, Tabasco sauce, and old sock with dark fuzzy urine.
2. Look for the spot absent of patrons.
3. The most telling sign is a crowd of patrons vomiting uncontrollably.
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And I am Rob.
Real quick, I want to do a little note here programming note.
I don't know if it's going to be tomorrow's podcast or not, but Judas Priest has a new album out and I forgot.
I got an email that I didn't read that said, hey, what about this? So I will review it.
I'm not sure if it's going to be tomorrow's. It might be Tuesday night's show, but I will review it. It's supposed to be really good.
So, and Davey also said it was really good too. So I believe it. Anyhow.
Next time you talk to Davey, tell him I said hi.
Oh, I'll definitely do that. You got anything you want to get into Rob?
I got a little story here about Willie Nelson.
Oh, we love Willie Nelson. Go ahead.
Yes. Yes. Courageous country legend Willie Nelson is determined to keep on performing at 90 years old, even though he's reportedly so crippled by agonizing pain that he can barely walk or stand for extended periods of time.
According to a recent report, Willie refuses to let his age or the increasing health concerns keep him off the stage.
Although people around him, the blue eyes crying in the rain singer, allegedly fear a terrible crisis will hit.
Insiders claim the lever-faced cowboy has vowed to die with his boots on while on the road.
His body aches and gives him pain, but he's determined to break through it and keep on performing even if it kills him.
Which he just might do. A concerned pal dished to the national alarm.
Hmm. You know what?
Yeah, he actually sits during his show now. He doesn't actually sit.
Oh, he does? Well, he's what, 84?
He's 90.
He's 90? Oh my God. Well, no wonder. No wonder he sits. He's probably shitting himself too.
Could be.
Yeah, I would. You know what? If I was Willie Nelson, I would shit myself. I'd pull my trousers down. Yes, I said trousers. Look it up if you don't know what that means. And I would show everybody in the audience. I'd go, look, I'm Willie Nelson and I shit myself. Isn't that cool?
Wouldn't that be awesome?
Yeah.
I'd make the cameraman go over there and take like really close shots of it and put it up on the Omegatron board.
Ladies and gentlemen, Willie Nelson's shit.
Alright.
You've probably already read this Rob, because this is all over the internet now.
But evidently that playoff game between the Dolphins coming to Kansas City that was the fourth coldest on record.
People are getting their limbs amputated over that game now.
Oh wow.
Because they did everything they could to save their limbs, but it's not working.
So anyhow, the medical director of the Grossman's Burn Center Research Medical Center said 70% of patients referred for frostbite injuries suffered during the bitter cold in January are now being advised to schedule amputation.
The majority of them are Chiefs fans who attended the team's frigid playoff game.
HCA Health shared images of the hand of one fan who took his gloves off for five minutes in order to put up a tent in the parking lot outside of Arrowhead Stadium.
The patient's hand, whose hand had frostbite injuries, were along with the Chiefs game.
They are just getting to the point now where we are starting to discuss their amputations that might be necessary, Garcia said.
The estimated 30% lucky enough to avoid amputation after undergoing treatment the past few weeks in hyperbaric oxygen tanks will have plenty of reminders of their frostbite injuries.
It's still a lifelong process. They'll have sensitivity and pain for the rest of their lives and always will be more susceptible to frostbite in the future.
So we are also educating them to make sure they stay warm for the years and months to come, Garcia said.
But I've got a question, Rob, and this is a serious question.
This is not a ha-ha. I really mean this.
Okay, how come no player, they were out there in no sleeves, no gloves, how come no player got frostbite? Why is that? They were less stressed than a lot of the fans.
I'm guessing because they were up and active. They had the blood pumping. The fans, they're just sitting there.
You're right, Rob, that is it. Yep.
Yeah, in the mornings I get to work. I put my hoodie on. I get to moving around. I go to sweating. I got to come out of that hoodie, you know.
You know what, you're right. I'm the same way.
Plus, the field is down in like a bowl, so all the colder air movement is going to be up higher.
You know what, that's true.
I found that out at the Ample Theater down here when I went to see 38 Special. I was up at the top. Dude, we were freezing up there.
That makes sense, Rob. And also, I do think they have heaters in the field.
Yeah, yeah, they do. They have them on the, underneath the turf to de-thaw it.
And also, they have those big blowers on each side of all of them. So, it might have kept, and all that many people huddled around there, you know, running and everything. I'll bet you anything. That is why. You're right.
And then anybody that's on the bench that didn't get to play, you know, they were probably had their, they were probably moving around or going in the tunnel every now and then something.
So, any...
They keep putting their hands in their pockets. They got them hand mugs that they keep their hands warm.
Yeah. Well, anyhow, I mean, that's dedication too, though, man. I'll tell you what, Chief's fans, they're insane. Yeah, I mean...
They are. They are.
Yeah, so...
Well, shall we say, we are?
Yeah, we are. That's right.
Yeah, we are.
Anyhow, Rob, you got anything?
Uh, yeah, I got another one here.
All righty.
How many of us have gone to Six Flags in St. Louis, Missouri for a weekend only to drive home late at night?
That was the story of two Missouri guys who encountered something they can't explain on a remote highway when they were on the way home.
Hmm.
The strange tale was told to YouTube channel Planet 412 a couple weeks ago.
Okay.
While I recommend listening to their telling of the account, I'll give you the short version of what two Missouri men say happened late one night on a deserted rural Missouri highway.
Okay.
They went to Six Flags in St. Louis during the day and they head south toward their home in Park Hills, Missouri.
They decided to take what they thought would be a shortcut on one of the many rural highways along that route.
This is the...
Okay.
They were driving along this highway which had trees and woods on both sides.
Okay.
That looked okay.
I was about to read this is what it looks like during the daytime because it shows a picture of it.
Oh, okay.
The two Missouri guys were driving along this highway when they saw what they believed was a man standing in the middle of the highway.
Okay.
They slowed down as they approached. They noticed that it did not appear to be a man but something else.
What they thought was rust colored clothing from head to toe now appeared to be fur or skin.
That wasn't a man. It was something else.
They decided they would just hastily move over and pass by whatever it was when they saw the creature was not alone.
More of whatever that was were in the woods.
As we approached the area where this person stood near the power lines crossing the overhead, they realized they weren't alone.
It was then that they started hearing sounds.
Okay.
Like a series of clicks, growls, grunts and maybe howling.
Clicks?
Yeah.
Okay.
As they passed by the creatures, one looked like a mammal and the other almost reptilian.
Wow.
It was a strange sight that caused them to hurry on down the highway and get back to civilization as fast as possible.
Yeah.
No shit.
Yeah. Wow.
Okay.
I'm not so...I don't know about this one.
Yeah. I can...okay. I understand. They're saying they've seen Bigfoot.
Yeah, but the reptilian one.
Yeah, but they're saying they've seen a reptilian in the woods.
Shit.
There is. There are people that believe that Bigfoot and aliens work together.
Yeah, that's true. And also I can add to this.
And some aliens are supposedly look like lizards.
And I can add to this, Rob. Okay.
Supposedly there are shape-shifters by certain people say this.
Okay.
This is from David Icke, I believe. I-C-H-E. David Icke, you can look it up.
And he's talking about the Illuminati and the elite, the people that you don't see behind the people that you do see.
And he says that a lot of people that are here on Earth, I believe he says they're aliens.
And they look like humans, but if you watch them closely, every now and then you can see the reptilian come out.
So, I don't know, you know. Do these guys have too many beers at Six Flags? Possibly.
Well, they're driving down Kutcher Road. They could have been drinking that.
Oh, they could have been drinking very easily. That's Old Crow area, right?
Yeah, that's- hey, anything you want down there.
Oh yeah. Oh yeah, Old Crow will make you see lizards and fucking Bigfoot, that's for sure.
Old Crow, 10 high, yeah.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's see what else. What was the other one?
Oh, Black Velvet. You ever drink that shit? Oh my god.
Yeah, yeah.
There's this old man that used to live down the road that used to drink Black Velvet all the time.
And anyhow, he's squigging on here. Hey Mark, come here. I don't know, 17.
Take a swig of this. Smooth. I drink that. I about vomit, man. My fucking- my insides are burning.
And he goes, whoa, that's good whiskey. And then later on I realized that is like the night train of whiskey.
Right.
Then there's another one too.
I personally, when I was younger, put away quite a bit of Seagrams too.
Seagrams wasn't quite as bad though. Seagrams actually-
No, it wasn't.
It was mellower. It was kind of sweet. It wasn't bad.
But yeah, that old Crow carried a baseball bat the night of and the next day.
Oh god, yeah. It beat the hell out of you.
Oh yeah. It's so enticing to us. Like, come here Mark. What, who me? Yeah, you. Come here.
Yeah, what do you want? Come here man, drink me.
I don't know man. That doesn't sound like good. Yes it is Mark.
You drink me and you will be rich and famous. People will love you.
Hot chicks will throw their clothes at you. Men will worship you. Do it. Drink me. Drink me.
I don't know man. Come on, drink me.
I drink it and you know what happens? I end up in a ditch with my pants off.
With the cops arresting me.
Yep. That's what happens.
So don't fall for it. If the old Crow talks to you, run. Run the other way.
You'll end up in a ditch with your pants off being in cuffs.
Just saying.
Yeah, that bird. You think that bird is just going to chirp in your ear and just be all nice? Hell no.
That bird acts like he loves you, but believe me, he is your enemy.
He is your arch enemy. He is the evil that wants to entice you and bring you in.
But he will leave you deep pantsed with a horrible headache in a cinder block cell with the cops laughing at you.
Yes he will.
Yes.
Anyhow, let's see. I don't know how we got on that.
I got another alcohol related thing.
Oh go ahead Rob. You're on a roll.
Motor Biscuit recently put together a list of states where a passenger riding in a personal vehicle could still have an open container of alcohol.
Okay, and Mark, do you remember many, many years it was illegal to have any alcohol container in a vehicle?
Yes. Yeah, yeah. They relaxed that considerably.
Passengers, everybody.
Mmhmm.
Given what we know about alcohol related traffic accidents and fatalities, it's surprising this is still allowed today.
Let alone that it was ever a thing to begin with.
The following states will allow passengers to crack open a can of beer or bottle of liquor while riding shotgun.
Alaska, Arkansas, Connecticut, Delaware, Mississippi, Missouri, Rhode Island, Tennessee, Virginia, and West Virginia.
I didn't know Missouri was on those, did you?
Yes, yes. I just recently found out that you can have an open container in Missouri.
I really thought it was illegal.
It changed its law.
Okay, wow.
An open container includes everything from a bottle or can to a flask you fill before leaving the house.
Wow.
All of the states on the list allow the passenger to have an open container and drink alcohol with the exception of Arkansas and West Virginia.
So all the other ones you can have it open and you can swig it as long as the driver doesn't have any?
Exactly.
Now the thing I'd like to warn people is, okay, you can be over there swigging away at that stuff, you know the guy driving is going to get a sobriety field test, right?
Right, right.
So they better be sober.
Yeah, yes. Because you're just turning a man at that point.
Yep.
Let's see, okay Rob, I've got to get with you on some new bits that I'm going to do and I'm just mentioning it right now while I'm thinking about it.
Coming up here the end of March, I'm going to have a week off and we need to find some time where we've got a couple hours because I've got some stuff I need you to say so I can work with it.
Alright.
Does that sound doable?
Yeah, yeah, we can do that.
Okay, cool.
And we're adding more bits daily, I just did a bunch of them and threw them in and I've got quite a few more that I'm doing.
We've got some new stuff, we've got some new origins up, well I haven't posted them yet but I've got three or four new origins.
Let's see, what else do I have?
I have some more deep thoughts, I have some island of horrible jokes and strange insults and things that were heard in hell.
We've got all those plus some new stuff coming up.
Apocalypse, I've got to work on that too.
So I've got to find more shit you can eat out in your yard.
So, anyhow, I guess that's probably about the end of this podcast, what do you think?
Yeah, yeah, it's a little late.
Alright, we're wrapping up the sidewalks and getting the fuck out of here.
Everybody, thank you for listening like always.
Thank you, ass.
Oh, hi Opal.
Hi Grandma Opal.
And Jimmy, the best grandson ever and the best grandma ever, Opal.
We love you guys.
Dodge City, Kansas.
Woo woo, root root.
You guys are awesome.
Um, oh, anyhow, thank you assholes.
Have a good night.
Good night, assholes.
Hey, where did everybody go?
Where are the douchebags?
Oh my god, someone took a dump in the corner.
Oh jeez.
Glad they're gone.
Let's just hope they don't come back.
Man, that smells.