Live from the historic river market in downtown Kansas City, Missouri, from the crystal blue waters of the Missouri River, it's Two Douchebags and a Microphone Podcast.
And now it's time for the Daily Douchebag Pledge.
Two Douchebags and a Microphone Pledge, I, Joe, or Jane listener, hereby promise to download every show.
I, Joe, or Jane listener, hereby promise to grab family members phones and download the show from there.
I, Joe, or Jane listener, hereby promise to go to public computers and download the show from there.
I, Joe, or Jane listener, hereby promise to laugh at all the unfunny jokes.
I, Joe, or Jane listener, hereby promise to lie to all my friends and tell them how good the show is.
And finally, I, Joe, or Jane listener, promise to visit Montrose, Missouri, to take advantage of the power plant, campgrounds, and junkyard all within its quarter mile radius.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand. That needs to happen.
And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark.
What do you tell when you're out of Invisible Link? I may never know.
I smell bacon! No wait, it's just Mark sweating.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper. It's strange insults from an alien. Real hilarity. You are dressed like an assistant debate coach at an Ohio State Middle School.
Oh shit, what's that over there? Oh no, it's an island of horrible jokes.
The panic stricken man explained to his doctor, you have to help me, I'm shrinking. The doctor said I will. You have to be a little patient.
Not responsible for greasy residue left on your Bluetooth.
No! No!
Two douchebags and a microphone. I am Mark. And I am Rob.
Everybody right now, let you know I am still sick, so I'm probably going to cough and hack a couple of times, but you know what, you're getting your money's worth. Podcast is free.
I feel a little better myself, but I don't know. The colder the weather is, the better I feel. It's weird.
This shit has been lingering. I mean other people, I just got it, but people said it's been lingering for weeks. I guess Rob's had it for a while, right?
Yeah, I've had it for about two weeks.
Wow. Well anyhow, the show goes on.
Anyhow, let's see here. Try to figure out what I should hit up first. Got some stories here. Got some new douche flavors, but we'll wait on them for a little bit.
Okay. You know, Leap Year is tomorrow, the extra day. Today's the 28th, tomorrow will be the 29th. Well there's some Leap Year promotions people might want to know about that includes free food. So I mean, I think that's a pretty good little way to start it, right?
Yeah, yeah.
Alright. Alright. In honor of the once in four years phenomenon, unlike non-Leap Years, February will have the 29th day on Thursday, but why?
The thing to know is that Leap Year exists in large part to keep the months in sync with annual events including equinoxes and solstices according to the Jet Propulsion Laboratory at the California Institute of Technology.
It's a correction to counter the fact that the Earth's orbit isn't precisely 365 days a year, it's always 365 and a fourth day of the year, and that's how you get the 1 fourth, 1 fourth, 1 fourth, 1 fourth equals one day.
The trip takes about six hours longer than that, NASA says. You can find a more detailed story of the Leap Year here on this fucking website, but you know what? You don't have this in your hands so forget it.
Okay. Wendy's on Thursday. Breakfast will be on Wendy's. The fast food chain announced Monday that customers can get a free Cinnabon pull apart, a new menu item during breakfast hours at their local Wendy's restaurant.
No prior purchase is needed to redeem the freebie, so you don't need to buy a damn thing. You just go in there and go, hey, I want my Cinnabon. It doesn't say anything about an app, so just go in there and say, hey, I want my Cinnabon pull apart, and they're like, there you go.
It's a pretty good deal there. That's a really good deal.
The deal comes as the chain celebrates four years of serving breakfast. As we celebrate our four year breakfast anniversary with this new product, we're offering sweet meat deals starting on Leap Day.
A day that only comes around every four years, Lindsay Rakowski, US Chief Marketing Officer of Wendy's Company said in a statement, Wendy's is the only restaurant offering limited time deals in honor of Leap Day.
Crispy Cream announced Monday that customers can get a dozen original glazed donuts for $2.29 with the purchase of any regular leap price does, and that's still a pretty good deal.
Additionally, customers with a birthday on February 29 can receive a free dozen original glazed donuts, no purchase necessary. However, customers will have to show proof that February 29 is their actual birthday.
So if you were born on Leap Day, you can get a free dozen Crispy Cream donuts. That's pretty cool, isn't it?
Damn, I missed it by six days.
My birthday is March 5th.
Oh, wow. Happy early birthday.
But it was 69, so yeah, it would not have been a leap year.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right. Okay, well, you missed it by a year and five days.
Yeah.
And a quarter days. No, five and a quarter days.
Yeah.
Yeah, okay, anyhow.
Something like that.
Okay, yeah, Chipotle. Extra guacamole comes as a perk for the year's extra day. Chipotle restaurant reward members who use the code EXTRA24 at checkout on a Chipotle app and chipotle.com and get a free guac on February 29th.
And for 29 lucky Chipotle fans, there's another offer. The leap year, the extra day means that Chipotle walk for a year if you can find the codes, the restaurant chain wrote on Instagram.
Chipotle's challenge runs from February 26 through February 29th and includes 29 hidden keywords that can be found within the company's Instagram posts.
The game starts 9am Pacific time each day. If you find a keyword text, hit to 888-222.
And then finally, Great Wolf Lodge. Great Wolf Lodge is offering a leap year at the lodge.
Oh, did you know about this?
No, no, I know Great Wolf Lodge.
No, they're pretty cool.
Yeah.
Sell with rates starting at $29 per person.
They are.
Okay, so there's a sale that's rates start at $29 a person. It's pretty cool.
Use the code LEAP on February 29th only to book a room starting at $29 per person.
Stay dates range from $2.29.24 to $6.13.24. Look at that. You got like four months to book a room for $29 a person.
I suggest everybody get after this. They are great resorts.
Yeah, that's a great place.
Yeah, that is a fantastic deal.
Family-friendly, everything.
Yeah. And the discount is starting by day.
I believe the closest one around here is Brands.
Yeah, and there's one up here at the Speedway.
Southside Brands. Is there?
Yeah.
Okay, I did not know about that one.
Kansas Speedway, it's right there.
Okay, I did not know about that one.
Now, but I do know this. Since it goes through Labor Day weekend or Memorial Day weekend, holidays and special events, it's not going to be $29.
It's going to be special days in between there. It's not going to be a solid day.
Right.
Because the rates are flexed depending on what's going on around town.
So, if there's a race, forget it. You're not getting in that place for under $500.
So, you know, I mean, it's just, I mean, I think that's what someone said.
If I'm wrong, I'm sorry, but someone said they're like $500 on a race day.
But anyhow, it's a great lodge. I got a great water park. It's a beautiful place.
Yeah, yeah.
And then finally, Build-A-Bear. I didn't even know they were still around, Rob.
No, I didn't either.
Build-A-Bear said that for one day only, February 29th, anyone celebrating a Leap Day birthday is invited to its participating workshops to build a birthday treat bear for only $4.
The price is a nod to the once a year, four year occurrence of Leap Day birthdays reportedly so anyone with a Leap Year can get this, but also family of that person too.
So, there you go.
Yeah.
A bunch of neat little promotions there.
So, Rob, you got something you want to get to or no, you want to go?
Yeah, yeah, I've got a bottle of one here.
Oh, you do? Okay.
Yeah, as previously reported, Aldi is scheduled to open a new store in Maryland Heights, Missouri on Leap Day, February 29th.
Oh.
Another grand opening in Missouri is only two weeks down the road.
According to the Aldi website, the company is all set to open the second new location at 477 BFW Memorial Drive, St. Robert, Missouri.
Where's St. Robert's at? Is that St. Louis area too?
It's right by Fort Leonard Wood.
Oh, okay, down near Rolla and all that whole area.
Yeah, it's right in between Waynesville and Fort Leonard Wood.
Okay, okay, yeah, near the base. That's a good idea.
The projected opening day for that store is March 14th.
Okay.
The addition of the two new stores brings the total in the state to 98 and over 2,360 nationally.
Okay.
But that is only part of the Aldi story. With its reach reaching back to S in Germany, the company has a much larger international footprint.
Okay. Man, that's...
Around the world, they have more than 12,000 stores around the world.
I had no idea. I thought they were only American. I didn't know that. Wow.
No, no. Aldi is a German company. As a matter of fact, you know that yellowish colored tile...
Yeah.
That's on the floor?
That stuff is like one inch thick, dude.
No kidding?
I've had to lay that tile.
Oh, that's right. You used to do work for Aldi's. Yeah.
Yeah, maintenance, yeah.
Yeah, wow. Me and my buddy.
That's an inch thick? Those tiles are?
Yeah, it's one inch thick German tile.
Wow. It's German tile. It's all Aldi, man.
What's the tile made out of?
It's all... What?
What's the tile made out of? Is it some sort of a poly thing or is it like an actual...
Oh, I can't remember. It was like 20 years ago.
Oh, well. That's all right. It's just my own...
No, it's super hard tile, man. We...
It would have to be a wall.
We had a long time to cut it. We used to have to... We used hand grinder to cut it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. With a cutting wheel on it. Yeah, I got you.
Yeah, yeah. We went through a bunch of them.
What did you do? Did you use a flat edge or something to guide you or...
Yeah. Clamp it down, clamp down a flat edge and then just cut it like that?
Yeah. Okay. Yeah.
All right. All right. That makes sense.
Okay. I just couldn't imagine cutting an inch thick tile, but...
Oh, dude, it was crazy.
It didn't need the cutting wheel up too much?
Oh, yeah. We went through quite a few cutting wheels.
No. That's just the way it was. Okay. All right.
Yeah.
Just add that into the bed.
Okay. There you go. Extra 200 cutting wheels. There you go.
Yeah. Oh, cool.
Coca-Cola has another creation.
It's K-Wave Zero Sugar.
Coca-Cola Creations is celebrating K-Pup
fandomonium with a limited edition flavor and suite of music focused digital and IRL experiences featuring some of the genre's biggest stars.
So I didn't know it was all this encompassed in it too.
I thought it was just a flavor, but evidently it is not.
Coca-Cola Creations is celebrating K-Pup fandomonium Coca-Cola K-Wave Zero Sugar infuses the iconic state of Coca-Cola with a refreshing burst of fruity flavored K-Pup magic and aims to connect devoted fans and iconic artists alike.
The striking can design inspired by the metallic, youthful energy of K-Pup concert, including LED screen patterns and vibrant screens, pinks and purples, as well as a cross-cultural interpretation of the iconic Coca-Cola script unlocks a suite of experiences soundtracked by the campaign's anthem like magic featuring Stray Kids, Itzy, and M-Mix.
The band is called The S.
I don't know any of these bands, but anyhow it features all of them.
Anyhow, not anywhere does it say what type of a drink it is or anything.
It's too busy going on about those pop groups that it's supporting, so my bad, I should have never reported this.
Rob, we turn to you.
Alright, I got one here about the Beverly Hillbillies.
Oh, cool. Always good.
Why was the series really canceled?
Okay.
In the decades since the show ended, one rumor about the cancellation has grown popular that a controversial scene or episode led to the demise of the Beverly Hillbillies, but that isn't true.
Okay.
Beverly Hillbillies, and I have rumors about that, that there was a scene or an episode. The Beverly Hillbillies controversy is a myth and was even debunked by Snopes.
It came from YouTube videos that falsely said the show had a scene that prompted backlash, which got it canceled.
Here's what really happened.
Okay.
In truth, the Beverly Hillbillies fell victim to changing times. As the 70s arrived, advertisers wanted to target younger urban viewers on television. As a result, CBS and other media adjusted programming in what became known as the Rural Purge.
To the dismay of fans, several shows set in rural settings or with rural characters such as the Beverly Hillbillies were canceled.
Okay.
But also at the same time, their last season's ratings were down.
Okay.
Did not help their defense.
So people are probably getting a little tired of them anyhow, so it was probably a little bit of both actually, right?
I don't know, man. I could have kept watching them myself.
I could have too. I love the show. The show was brilliant.
I grew up watching the reruns.
Oh, I did too. Channel 41.
Yeah, their last season was 1971, by the way.
Okay. Wow. Okay. Didn't know that either. That's cool.
Nine seasons.
Right. They ran up to 71.
Okay. Wow. Wow.
Okay. I, for some reason, I don't know. I knew it was a 60s show, but I thought it went more into the 70s, but I guess not.
Yeah. It got canceled in 71.
All right. Well, I mean, I was like, what, five? So no wonder I grew up watching it on 41 after school. That's why.
Yeah. Well, we watched it was reruns.
Yep. Florida man is breathing easier now that 150 live bugs have been removed from his nose.
The unidentified patient went to a hospital earlier this month after noticing that his whole face felt like it was on fire, according to a Friday report by the Jacksonville First Coast News.
Although the man first started to experience symptoms in October, it wasn't until recently that they became serious.
Over a couple of hours, my face just started swelling and my lips swelled. I could hardly talk, the patient told First Coast News.
I couldn't even get up to go to the bathroom without my nose starting to bleed.
The man visited HCA Florida Memorial Hospital in Jacksonville and consulted with Dr. David Carlson, an ear, nose and throat specialist who was on the call.
Carlson was shocked when he looked inside the man's nose with a camera. He saw dozens and dozens of bugs feeding on the nose and sinus cavity.
Some as big as the end of his pinky. Oh man.
Damn.
I knew he was in big trouble when there was erosion that was occurring near the skull base in very close proximity to his eye and his brain, Carlson said. Geez.
Damn.
At first the physician tried suction to remove the insects, which were in a larval stage, but were way too large, so we had to extract them one by one from the man's nose.
They were right up against the skull's base, right under the brain. They had gone through that it could have killed them if they would have broke through.
The bugs have since been sent to an epidemiologist to determine their species. The patient is expected to make a full recovery.
It remains a mystery how the larvae got inside the man's nose, but he told First Coast News that the problem might have stemmed from his bad hygiene habits when handling dead fish. Ugh.
Before I would rinse my hands in the river, now I'll use cleaner and do a better job and not touch my nose or my hand, the man told the station.
Ugh.
Let's take our first break.
I'm glad I ate before that.
I would not be hungry after.
Yeah.
Let's take our first break and we'll come right back with something a little bit more decent than that, right?
Yeah.
Alright.
Have you ever wondered what something is about? Have you ever looked at something and said, I wonder what the origin of that is?
Well, so have we. That's why we give you The Origin of.
This is the story of Dr. Pepper. Originally made in Morrison's Old Corner Drugstore in Wicom, Texas, the drink's unique flavor was a hit when it was first sold in 1885.
Wade Morrison, the drugstore owner, named it Dr. Pepper after Dr. Charles Pepper, a Virginia doctor who the father of a girl, Morrison, he was once in love with.
You can still go to the Dr. Pepper Museum and still purchase the original formula with pure artesian well water and pure cane sugar. It's quite a treat if you're into Dr. Pepper.
Now it's time for Pick Up Lines from a Loser.
If I had a nickel for every time I saw someone as beautiful as you, I would have a whole five cents.
What, what, what, what?
Next up, Things Overheard in Hell.
The brand new Kale Cola started selling nationwide yesterday.
No batlight here. These idiots just show up and hope for the best.
Oh Lord, that man just saw a puppy and ha-
Hey there, don't worry, I have a clown nose.
Oh no, that drunk guy just hit my child.
It's okay, I have a clown nose.
Clown nose, just put one on and you'll be fine.
It's okay, I have a clown nose.
And we are back, two douchebags and a microphone, I'm Mark.
And I am Rob.
Alright. Rob, you had a couple of stories you want to get to and then we go into new douche flavors?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, um, this sounds crazy, but we went in Friday morning to work last Friday.
Hang on, hi Opal.
Oh, hi Grandma.
Hi Grandma Opal, we love you, you're awesome.
Hi Jimmy.
Alright, you were saying?
Um, we went in Friday morning to work.
And our forklift would not start.
Okay.
And so the maintenance man came up and he was looking at it.
And I actually got on, because whenever you would turn the key on, it has a backup beeper.
Okay.
Well, the beeper would go off, but it wouldn't start.
And I got to thinking it was probably stuck in reverse or something, you know.
Well, the maintenance man had me jump on another forklift, try to, he thought maybe pushing it forward would disengage it.
Well, that didn't work. As a matter of fact, the little forklift I was on could barely move it, because it was stuck in reverse.
Okay.
Well, he ended up turning it forward.
And come to find out, the reverse switch was out.
Yeah.
Low electric switch, you know, you have your gear shift, we have forward, neutral, and reverse.
Okay, that kind of a forklift. Okay.
Yeah. Well, come to find out, the little switch that's on the column, forward is on one side of the column, and reverse is a totally different switch on the other side of the column.
Interesting.
Yeah. Well, they went and called to see if they had, you know, to see if somebody had one. They had to order one.
Well, we need this forklift.
Uh-huh.
Sounds crazy, but what they did was they clipped the wires on the reverse switch and hooked up a light switch, like a regular light switch.
Are you joking?
Okay.
Like one on a wall.
If somebody wants to call me out on it, I'll answer it later.
But.
I'm not saying it can't be done. I'm just like going, wow.
You start it, because you have to start it neutral.
Uh-huh.
And then if you want reverse, you turn the light switch on, and to take it out of reverse, you turn the light switch off.
Oh, wow.
And then you reach up to the gear shift and you kick it in forward.
Gotcha. Okay. So they were bypassing reverse and sending it to the switch.
Of course it's temporary until we get the switch in. Then they're going to fix it properly.
Did this guy do this before or did he just do this, try it, just?
I don't know. This is just something they came up with and yeah, just heat of the moment type stuff.
Okay.
You know what I mean? You're on the job and something has to be done and you've got to have this forklift.
Wow. Okay.
And it actually worked.
Okay.
But yeah, I'm watching all this going on.
I got thinking yesterday at work.
Yeah.
I was like, man, what other stories, work related stories could I come up with?
Uh-huh.
And I got thinking about this one time. It had to have been 1990.
Uh-huh.
I went to work on this tree crew.
And for the first part of the morning I was dragging brush, you know, iron, you know.
First day, what do you expect, you know.
Yeah.
And at break time, which is about nine, nine thirty, we were all sitting around the crew leader and I see he goes, have you ever dropped a tree?
I said, no, I've been dropping trees since I was 12, 13. Yeah, I dropped a tree.
He goes, after break, come with me.
So after break we went over. He goes, now I want you to drop this tree right here.
How big a tree was it?
Oh, it was a good size tree. It was probably a 25, 30 foot tree.
Okay.
Like I said, 24 years, or 34 years ago, I guess.
1990. Yeah, 34 years ago.
But anyway, so I said, all right. So I notched it out on the front side, you know.
Went around, started cutting it.
And you know how every now and then you'll get a tree that right before you get all the way through splinters off.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
And goes ahead and starts falling. Oh, yeah. And it changes trajectory.
All you can do is get out of there. Drop your chainsaw. Yeah, well, that happened.
The tree came down, landed right across the wood chipper.
Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
Come to find out they had only had that wood chipper maybe a week.
Oh, jeez. Were they mad at you?
Needless to say, I didn't make it to lunch.
So they fired you?
No. Yep.
Wow.
Well, man, come on. It could have happened to anybody.
I know. That's what I'm saying is that does happen a lot. I mean, sometimes you can't help it.
I mean, that's why no one offered to use ropes with you or nothing.
Well, no, he just wanted to see what I could do. Should have been a clear shot.
I got you. And it was. It was. It would have landed fine.
It just happened to be close to the truck and wood chipper.
I think that's kind of a myth for not moving all that stuff out of the way. But OK, wow.
Yeah. Did he pay you for the time? I really didn't care.
OK, that's cool. I really did. Did he pay you there for the time you're there? Did he give you like three hours pay?
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. OK.
He treated me. Yeah. He paid me what he owed me.
OK. All right. Well, at least he's honorable. I mean, you know, he's quite pissed but honorable.
Wow. OK.
I got I got some new douche flavors here. You want to hear them?
Yes, I do. I'm getting lonely. I need to hear about stuff like this.
OK. Yeah. And I'm sorry. My sounds like I got lack of enthusiasm is because my head's all clogged up and I'm like sick.
So and that's why I'm hacking everywhere. And I apologize. But you're getting your money's worth. This is free.
So Jeffy X always brings us these stuff. You know, he goes into these places.
He breaks in where they do these focus panels and stuff and, you know, brings us the new product ideas that never made it or what have you.
You know, he always uncovers this stuff. And this is no no different.
Every now and then he breaks into the Massimo factory and he tells us about the new douche flavors are going to come out with.
But they decided to nix it. And then and then before, you know, before they do all this confidential information away, he nabbed it.
He intercepted it and he brought it to us. He's always like, you know, like in true Jeffy X faction.
Ten minutes and this email disappears and I barely got to a computer to download it.
And then as soon as I download it, poof, it was gone. Ten minutes later. So we're lucky to have this one.
And anyhow, Jeffy X is always close, man. You're always on it. Always just a couple of minutes away from it.
You got to be as busy as his, you know, he can come in at any time. Oh, I know.
And he only has one shot at getting it to us, too. Yeah. What he's doing is so dangerous. That's it.
He only has one shot. So yeah, he would be ruined to.
He I he will not will not go into details.
No, but somehow he gets into a bunch of different major corporations.
I bet you kind of sucks, though.
Tell me whenever he sneaks into corporation, he can't do it in the sergeant pepper's outfit, though.
He has to take it off. Hell no. Hell no. Yeah.
You think maybe he has a dry clean then?
I don't. Like I said, last time I talked to him, he hadn't cleaned it yet.
OK, well, and it was looking pretty nasty from pictures I see.
OK, yeah, yeah. People have complained about it. Yeah.
So I told him I told him take it to dry cleaner. Bill me. Send me the bill. I will pay for it.
He said he was going to that day. I'm surprised he hasn't done it so far.
Well, he may have. He may have.
I said, I talked to her.
Well, anyhow, so, you know, Rob, in appreciation to all that he does for us, Jeffy X, he embroidered him some specialized underwear.
It has an X on the front of it and a Jeffy on the back of it.
And on the inside of the front, he has a special Steven Percy pouch, which is the glam band rat.
Supposedly, allegedly, Steven Percy had a pouch sewn in there to where he could fill it up full of socks and look more appeasing to women and some women and some gay males. Right.
So but we're sure Jeffy X doesn't have to do that. But just in case, Rob did that for him.
He also made a massage and Sergeant Pepper's outfit and a flying bat suit as a token of appreciation for us getting us all this information.
And me, I'm a simple guy. I'm giving them the money equivalent to 80 hookers and five pounds of blow.
Now, we don't break the law here to news bags and microphone, but if we did, it would have been it would have been 80 hookers and five pounds of blow.
But since we don't break the law, I'm giving you the monetary equivalent. So anyhow, Jeffy, he's waiting.
He's waiting for you to get over being sick before he comes.
I know. I told him he was going to come over there. And I said, I got the crud. He's like, I'll wait.
So anyhow, number one, one of the new douche flavors that Jeffy X uncovered, but it didn't make it was turpentine flavored.
Um, I mean, it may you probably have some fresh breath, right?
I know you get high. Yeah.
Fresh breath and get high. I just don't know about the taste.
Yeah. Yeah. I guess you could like maybe put in a Jolly Rancher and then, you know, and then maybe, you know, it might make it taste better.
Yeah. Like putting it like, yeah, like adding ever cleared fruit punch or something.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because it'd be more like ever.
Yeah. I think this would have went well if they would have had more thought, thought into it, but it doesn't matter.
They let the idea go. No turpentine douches. So just the turpentine.
Yeah. No, no, no. Next one. Kombucha flavored.
Um, I think I would have to agree with that. I am not a fan of kombucha. Are you?
No. Yeah. It's, uh, to me, it's disgusting. I don't like it at all.
But for you kombucha fans, sorry, you're not going to get kombucha flavored douches anytime soon.
This has been denied by Massingale. So, uh, anyhow, so they're not going to be jumping on the kombucha trend after all.
Next one. Radish, radish flavored douches do not make it.
I mean, okay, I guess so. But I mean, you know, it, it, yeah.
It helped open your sinuses.
Yeah. Yeah. Unless maybe you didn't want your sinuses open while you're down there.
Could be. Could be. Maybe. Yeah. Could be. Yeah. Very good. Yeah. Good point. Good point.
I bet you that's it. That's it right there. Yep. Yep. Yep.
Next one. You're right. Beef ramen noodle douches flavored douches do not make it.
I think it. Oh, come on. I hear. Here's what I think. Okay. They remind you of tapeworms.
Right. Okay. But you said flavored. Oh, so there wouldn't actually be ramen noodles in there.
Oh, then, then I don't know what's wrong with it. Be flavored ramen.
I don't know what's wrong with them, Rob. They shouldn't accept it.
Well, no, no, no. Maybe they were thinking the same thing. The noodles were in it.
Yeah. I would have to agree with you at that point. Okay. And then no one wanted to taste test it.
They're like, I'm out. Yeah. Yeah. No, no. If they just went with the beef flavor. Yeah.
That would be great. But I got it. But they, but they had a ramen. Yeah. So, okay.
Okay. I get it now. Thank you, Rob. I get it. Yeah. Yeah. Good point.
Good point. Next one. Apple sauce. Apple sauce flavored juices. I see nothing wrong with that.
Nothing. Sounds like a dream. No? Yeah. Fresh apple sauce down there. Nice and tart.
I was thinking chunks, but in apple sauce, the chunks ain't great. It got big.
No, no. It was kind of blended. Yeah. Pureed. Yeah. It's pureed. Yeah. Yeah.
Nice and tasty tart, Jonathan Apples parade down there. It sounds great to me.
That one's got my vote. It's got my vote too, but it doesn't matter, Rob. They said no.
I got it. I know. I know. Hell, he even added cinnamon. I mean, you know, apple and cinnamon to make the sauce.
Man. Shit. You're making me, you're just going out to make me hungry now.
I get it. I get it. We may have to contact them on this one. Well, we're going to have to.
Yeah. That is just too far off. We're going to have to get after them.
The next one. Clam dip. Yeah. I think I agree with that. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Uh, or no seafood. We have always agreed. No seafood. Yep. Yep. Yep. I have to, I have to go ahead and hold it.
Even though I like, even though I like clam, not there. But not down there. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Yep. Got it.
The next one. Plantain flavored. I mean, you know, they're like weird bananas, right? Yeah. Yeah.
I could go either way. Yay or nay. Plantains to me are a boring food. Yeah. Yeah.
They're not quite bananas. They're not quite potatoes. Uh, they're not quite fruit. They're not quite vegetable.
They're not quite a lot of things. That's the problem. Right. Oh, I'll side with them on this. Okay. Yep. Okay.
Next one. I think I'm going to have to agree with them on this one, Rob. Egg drop soup. Oh, definitely. Yeah. Yep. 100%. Yeah. Yeah.
You don't want any, uh, gooey egg with little noodle like things down. No. No. No. No. No.
Next one. French onion soup flavored douche. I see the logic in that. I see the logic in that.
Yeah. Well, kind of. I personally like French onion soup. Uh, yeah. Well. It depends on your taste, I guess. Yeah, I guess so.
I was thinking it'd be a little too salty, but you know, it might hurt the female. When you're done, it's going to be salty anyway.
Okay. All right. You're right. Okay. All right. You know what? I mean, uh, French onion soup should get the go ahead. I apologize. I was not thinking like that.
That's my opinion. My opinion.
I think you swagged me even though you wasn't trying to, Rob.
Hehehehe.
French onion soup is fine.
Next one. White Castle original slider. With cheese.
With cheese. Oh, come on. I know. I know. With cheese. Oh, come on. With cheese even.
You don't get any better than that.
What are they waiting for? A big invite? Come on in. White Castle slider with cheese. What the hell?
That's better than our Thanksgiving dinner douche. That's even better than that. Oh yeah, the Thanksgiving dinner douche. That was good, but don't be dissing on our White Castle.
Next one. Tapioca pudding. I think maybe because it's got little chunks in it.
That could be. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I would say exactly that's the reason.
I would bet. I would bet. It's just got too many unidentifiable chunks in it. Which is probably the tapioca, but you don't know.
So for the fact that you don't quite know what the chunks are, I'm going to agree with this and say no, it's a solid no from us.
And then finally. Color. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The color too is kind of. Yeah. Infection looking.
I was going to take it further than that. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. I'm not going to.
Rob, I don't think you have to. I think we all have a good enough imagination now.
And then finally, salmon tartar. No raw salmon. Agreed. No seafood. No, no, no. Especially raw seafood. Yeah.
And definitely nothing with the word tartar in it. Yeah, that's true. Yep.
Tartar plain and simple means they didn't bother to cook it. So. Right. Yep.
Oh, anyhow, that is the end of the douche flavors that didn't make it.
And we agree with a lot of them. Some of them we were scratching our head puzzled.
But let's take our second break. Yeah. We were a lot closer this time. We were a lot closer to these ones. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
So we'll be right back here in a couple of minutes.
Two Shirley Temples and a bottle of scotch will be right back.
Hey, look. I think we found land. Oh my God. I think we're safe. Oh, no. It's the island of horrible jokes.
Why do golfers take an extra pair of socks with them when they golf? In case they get a hole in one.
The apocalypse just happened. You don't know what to do. You don't know where to go. But we can tell you what you can eat.
Dirt and apocalypse. Don't forget the nuts. Hickory nuts, that is. Yeah, we know Hickory wood gets all the glory and all the love.
Everyone loves the Hickory trees. They cut them down and they make great sandwiches out of barbecue and meats. They smoke them.
And it's a fantastic deal. But little does anyone know about the Hickory nuts. Dirt and apocalypse Hickory nuts could be the best thing you can find.
Hickory nuts can be eaten raw, toasted, or added to various recipes. Their rich buttery flavor and crunchy texture make them an ideal ingredient for both sweet and savory dishes.
You can use Hickory nuts to make nut butter, pesto, or even a unique Hickory nut milk. There are five types of Hickory nuts.
Bitter nut Hickory, Shag Bark Hickory, Pig Nut Hickory, Mockernut Hickory, and Smooth Bark Hickory. Hickory trees are considered part of the walnut species and are plentiful at least around Missouri and surrounding areas.
So, Dirt and Apocalypse, don't forget to grab your nuts.
As much fun as an electric can opener to the scrotum, Two Douchebags in a Microphone.
This is a voice guide from your favorite podcast, Two Douchebags in a Microphone.
People often ask us how they can find us when doing a remote broadcast. One, smell. Go to the city market and start sniffing.
Our aroma has been described as a mixture of flea powder for goats, Tabasco sauce, and old sock with dark fuzzy urine.
Two, look for the spot absent of patrons.
Three, the most telling sign is a crowd of patrons vomiting uncontrollably.
Four, just call us at 816-512-7717.
Hello, this is Satan. You might know me from my pet name, Inflation.
I'm here to tell you that there's no better way to relax than listening to Two Douchebags in a Microphone by a nice warm fire at night.
I sit there and reflect on all the souls I burned that day. Enjoy.
So Rob, you got a story you want to get to?
Yeah, here's one I ran across today.
I can see a lot of repercussions coming from this one.
Okay.
Police are investigating after employees at a dairy queen in Kentucky say they were forced to eat ice cream contaminated with cleaning solution.
Huh?
Angela Patton told the outlet her 17-year-old daughter was among the employees involved in the incident at the dairy queen located in Campton, Kentucky.
They were told by the manager that whether or not they liked chocolate ice cream, they were going to taste it that day.
Patton told the outlet many of the about eight employees involved in the incident were minors, and their manager had told the group that they hadn't cleaned the ice cream machine properly, so they were served the contaminated ice cream as a punishment.
Geez.
Several of them, she said, experienced burning sensations while eating the ice cream and sought medically trick treatment through business insider to not verify her claims.
Wow.
Dairy queen and representatives for Wolf County Sheriff's Office, local authorities investigating the incident did not immediately respond to requests for comment from business insider sent outside regular working hours.
Well.
I see lawsuits. I see all kinds of stuff.
Man, you're not kidding, Rob. Geez.
That's insane.
Yeah.
What did I say?
What say eight of these employees?
Yeah, about eight employees.
Some of them were minors.
Oh, yeah.
Boy.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Someone's going to be losing going to come out there a lot lighter. I can tell you that right now.
Wow.
And you couldn't guess it. Yes, that come off business insider.
Okay.
Okay. Thanks for mentioning it.
Yeah.
Founding member of the classic rock band Kansas, who also manages the band, left a step away from the band because he suffered a major heart attack.
Drummer Phil Ewhart.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, I just saw this a couple of days ago.
Phil Ewhart will have Eric Holmquist fill in.
Holmquist filled in for Ewhart in 2016.
Norwegian Cruise Line on Tuesday reported its first profitable year since 2019, the pre-pandemic.
For the four year of 2024, the company expects an adjustment of profit to the sum of $635 million or $1.23 a share.
The cruise line company reported strong growth and ticket demand with an encouraging 2024 forecast.
And then there's another little story here I want to get to.
All right.
Steve Spagnolo, chief defensive coordinator, praised his opponent Brock Purdy's performance during a recent appearance on a sports podcast.
I think Brock Purdy is terrific, said Spagnolo.
I didn't find many holes in his game.
Purdy finished the game with 23 completions for 255 yards and a touchdown.
The 49ers were marching down the field in overtime with chances of scoring a touchdown, but were stalled by the chief's stingy defense.
Purdy was sharp on the drive, showing poise under intense pressure from Carl Loftus and others.
I'll be honest with you.
I just texted Brock Purdy the other day, Spags explained.
I tried to track down his number.
I just wanted to tell him how much respect I have for him and what a terrific game he played.
That's pretty cool.
Yeah.
Yeah, the Spags would take the time to say, hey, dude, you know what?
You did great.
You know, and you're going to be fine and all that stuff because, you know, he's a good young quarterback.
And I think stuff like that's essential.
I mean, Tom Brady did that to Mahomes, remember?
The great D Ford off the sides.
Tom Brady through the interception and D Ford was called off sides.
His foot was over the line.
And then we subsequently lost in overtime.
And they went on to the Super Bowl to win against the Rams that year.
And anyhow, Tom Brady went into our locker room and talked to Mahomes for a little bit and said, hey, man, you really got something good.
Hang in there, dude.
There's great things coming.
Tom Brady was right.
So that's cool that Spagnolo took that time to tell Brock Purdy that, hey, you know what?
You're working on something good.
Keep it up.
And then speaking of the Chiefs, KC Chiefs, Superstars Patrick Mahomes and Travis Kelsey were spotted in Vegas together, swerving off women trying to dance with women with them.
So women were trying to dance with the two and they were swerving them off. You know, they were they were in Vegas partying over their win.
The double-breasted bed thrasher is an evil creature that can and will destroy your life.
Good luck to those two.
So, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Must suck, me dating Taylor Swift and then have to swerve off gorgeous women all night, huh?
Oh, yeah, definitely.
Yeah, yeah.
Must just really, really, really, really work at him hard, huh? Right.
Yeah, definitely.
Let's see how long it lasts now.
Yeah, yeah, we'll see.
I wish him luck.
I don't wish that they don't last or nothing like that.
Right, right. I wish him luck, too.
We have some new words from Webster again.
I said I was going to unleash a few of these at a time.
Are you ready for some, Rob?
Yeah, yeah, honey, I need some new words.
Okay.
I'm trying to watch my cousin.
Yeah, these are kind of lame in my in my opinion.
But I don't know.
All right, let's do it.
Okay.
Worlding, like world with an ing on the end of it.
The act or process of bringing a people, culture, nation, etc. into a global sphere of influence, especially the sphere thought as dominated by Western countries.
Okay.
Yeah, yeah, like I said, these are pretty boring.
This next one is weird.
It's inch.
Tification, E and S H.
S H, apostrophe, Tification, the gradual degradation of an online platform or service functionality is a part of a cycle in which the platform or service first offers benefits to users to attract them, then pursues more and more profits at all the expense of the users.
That's about everything online, isn't it?
The old bait and switch.
Yeah.
I think I think you could use that the inch of vacation on about 99% of everything online.
They start you in at the basic and then you got, oh, no, no, no, you need the primo service.
Oh, no, no, you need this.
You need that.
I mean, it's just never ending the money that they need to keep things going.
So next one food insecure.
I've heard of this before, I guess it's just added to the dictionary last year.
Having her character characterized by limited or uncertain access to adequate food.
So it's not just someone starving, but it's a someone that has to eat cheap food to survive.
So I think a lot of us will be food insecure, right?
Yeah.
Yeah. Yep.
Like if you're buying 70 30 hamburger because you have to, you should be food insecure, right?
Right.
All right.
Next one, climate breakdown.
The collective, the collective efforts of harmful or potentially irreversible trends in climate, specifically those resulting from unchecked global warming.
Okay.
All right.
Next one, fire tornado.
I've already heard of this one, too.
A flaming tornado generated by intense wildfire, rarer, much larger and more destructive than a fire or a whirl.
Yeah, I would think so.
Next one, energy poverty.
A lack of adequate access to safe, affordable sources of electricity or fuel for warmth, light and cooking, etc.
Okay.
Yeah.
Extreme heat event.
A heat event classified as being excessive enough to pose serious threat to public health.
Oh, that's probably what?
Every July, part of August.
Don't we normally, yeah, these parts get a heat wave of some sort?
Yeah.
This is a new word for heat wave.
Global boiling.
A non-scientific term used to emphasize the trend towards severity or extreme heat events, especially in regard to public health.
Again, we're talking about a heat wave, right?
Yeah.
Okay.
Next one and last one.
Greedflation.
I think we can all probably guess what this is, but I'm going to go ahead.
A rise in prices, rents or the like that is not due to market pressure or other factor organic to the economy,
but is caused by corporate executives or boards of directors, property owners, etc. solely to increase profits that are already healthy or excessive.
Yep. Yep.
Yep.
Happens all the time.
So Rob, we got a couple minutes left. You got anything you want to get to?
I'm looking here, see if I can pull something up real quick.
Like I said, I'm about spent. I'm just like, oh.
Excuse me.
I'm working.
Yeah, that's okay. We can ship the ship for a couple minutes if we want.
Yeah, yeah, let's do that.
Okay.
I only had so many pulled up for tonight.
I didn't really go into that many because I didn't feel good all day and I didn't really even feel like stories.
So most of the day I've been zombie out.
So anyhow, they're lucky to be getting this podcast because I really seriously think about not doing it because I really just feel like crap.
But okay, let's see.
Once again, our top regions that listen to us in America are non-available, not available, NA is the biggest portion.
And right behind that is Des Moines.
Alright.
Des Moines is still huge. We're still kicking ass up there.
Next one would be Kansas City.
And then Harrisonville.
Harrisonville is insane the amount of love we get from there.
I mean, if Harrisonville was the size of Kansas City, we'd have over a million listeners.
I swear. Yeah. Thank you guys.
Next one is Ashburn.
Ashburn.
Oh, Ashburn.
I think it's North Carolina.
That's my guess.
Okay. Next one, listen, is Belgium.
Brussels, Belgium. We have a huge amount of listeners.
Yes, we do.
Yeah, I find that incredible.
I mean, how did they hear about us?
You know?
Yeah, anyhow.
Next one is Boardman.
I forgot where Boardman is at.
I think Columbus, Ohio, I'm pretty sure. I guess it could be Georgia.
Columbus, Ohio or Georgia, whoever it is. Thank you.
I don't think it's worth the name.
I think I looked Boardman up.
Wasn't it?
Hang on.
Was it outside?
I thought you said Oregon.
Hang on.
Yeah, let me look.
B-O-A-R-B-M-A-N.
Ohio, Oregon.
I got a township in Ohio and a city in Oregon.
Okay.
Well, Boardman, send us an email.
Let us know which state it's in.
Let us know where you're from.
Um.
Oh, excuse me. Gosh.
I'll do a couple more and then we're signing off because I feel like shit.
I understand.
Yeah, then let's see, we got a couple of non-availables after Boardman and Boardman in Columbus or like right next to each other.
Let's do a little search here. Maybe Boardman is a suburb of Columbus.
Let's see.
Well, yeah, that would be Ohio.
Let me look this up.
Okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sorry about this. Let's see.
A-R-E-M-A-N.
Ohio 2.
Nope, it's not. It's two hours and 44 minutes away.
Boardman looks like it's a suburb. It's right in between Pittsburgh and Cleveland.
If it's that Boardman.
Okay.
Well, like I said, write us. Let us know.
We want to know who you people are.
Yeah, yeah, it could be that one or it could be Oregon.
And I want to remind everybody our bullshit contest is on.
Catch us in our bullshit.
Yes, it is.
Yep. Okay. So then after the Boardman in Columbus, not available, not available.
Kansas City again. That's the Kansas side.
And Council Bluffs.
Iowa again.
They've been up there. They've been up there.
They have been. Next is Lake Ozark.
Then St. Louis.
Yep.
Denver after that, and we've always had a good following in Denver. Denver's off and on.
Denver pole sets. We'll get a bunch of hits from Denver and then nothing.
A bunch of hits from Denver then nothing.
Wichita is doing good. Frankfurt. Germany is doing good.
Independence is doing good. Of course I would expect it.
Springfield's picking up again.
Springfield comes in waves too.
Let's see. Indianapolis, Albuquerque, or Surgeon a little bit.
Osage Beach. We have some more listeners.
I wonder if it's that one chick from Osage Beach that wrote you.
Don't know. Don't know.
Well there's a point.
I heard nothing.
Chicago cooled off quite a bit.
Which kind of sucks because I really respect Chicago radio.
And to get some people from there is an honor.
Yeah. I agree.
So a lot of names come from that area.
And a lot of big shows came out of that area.
So anyhow I hope Chicago picks back up.
We've had really good luck in there.
Currently it's not doing so well.
Let's see. That's really about it man.
I think we can go ahead and just call this a podcast.
Because I'm losing my voice anyhow.
Yeah.
Everybody thank you for listening.
Mine's about to go.
Pretty soon we'll just be on here like this.
How much fun is that?
None. Everybody have a good night.
Thank you for listening. Assholes.
Good night assholes.
Hey. Where did they go?
Where are the douche bags?
Oh my god. Someone took a dump in the corner.
Oh jeez.
Glad they're gone. Let's just hope they don't come back.
Man that smells.