Live from the historic river market in downtown Kansas City, Missouri, from the crystal blue waters of the Missouri River, it's Two Douchebags and a Microphone Podcast.
And now it's time for the Daily Douchebag Pledge.
Two Douchebags and a Microphone Pledge, I, Joe, or Jane listener, hereby promise to download every show.
I, Joe, or Jane listener, hereby promise to grab family members phones and download the show from there.
I, Joe, or Jane listener, hereby promise to go to public computers and download the show from there.
I, Joe, or Jane listener, hereby promise to laugh at all the unfunny jokes.
I, Joe, or Jane listener, hereby promise to lie to all my friends and tell them how good the show is.
And finally, I, Joe, or Jane listener, promise to visit Montrose, Missouri to take advantage of the power plant, campgrounds, and junkyard all within its quarter mile radius.
Have you ever wondered what something is about? Have you ever looked at something and said,
I wonder what the origin of that is? Well, so have we. That's why we give you The Origin of.
This is the story of Dr. Pepper. Originally made in Morrison's old corner drug store in Wacom, Texas,
the drink's unique flavor was a hit when it was first sold in 1885. Wade Morrison, the drug store owner, named it Dr. Pepper.
After Dr. Charles Pepper, a Virginia doctor who the father of a girl, Morrison, he was once in love with.
You can still go to the Dr. Pepper museum and still purchase the original formula with pure artesian well water and pure cane sugar.
It's quite a treat if you're into Dr. Pepper.
Now it's time for pick up lines from a loser. Are you a parking ticket? You got fine written all over you.
Swimming in toxic masculinity and wiping their ass with politically correct wash rags.
Two douchebags in a microphone invade your ear holes in three, two, one.
Two douchebags in a microphone. Because we all need dick jokes.
Hello, two douchebags in a microphone. I'm Mark. And I am Rob. Hey Rob, how's it going?
Going pretty good. Been busy. Been busy. Work's definitely picking up, man.
That's good. That's really good. I mean, the weather has been conductive of fishing. That's for damn sure.
Yeah, until tonight.
Well, yeah, there's tonight, but I mean, it's short lived. I mean, I could not believe it. I went out today and did a lot of yard work.
And I was actually sweating. The sun is hot right now, like it is during the summer. It is crazy.
Right. Never witnessed anything like this before ever. Yeah.
We're dropping 60 degrees today.
We already have up here. It's colder than a well digger's ass right now.
We're good. I could still go outside in a long sleeve shirt. But we've got storms around us too. There's lightning and stuff.
Oh, yeah, yeah. You're far enough south to where you do have storms. We're going to have snow.
I don't know how much of it's going to stick, but we're going to have snow.
So, you know, it's like this. Everybody gets all excited. They jump on board. No, I think spring's here.
Don't fall for it. We'll have snow in May if you keep saying that.
Yep. Yeah. It'll get you. It's just hiding in the brush.
Look, I mean, Mother Nature went crazy on us in January, right?
She fucking 36 below shit and all that stuff.
Well, then Mother Nature looked back and said, you know what? I got to make it up to those guys.
I went a little bit insane. I went berserk on them. So that's the makeup. It's done now.
They're like, all right, OK, we're made up now. Now we can go back to winter.
So we'll see what happens the rest of this winter.
So I've got a little something here that I found that's interesting.
Travis Kelsey is a man in serious demand following another Super Bowl triumph.
The Kansas City Chiefs star has seen his profile explode on and off the pitch with girlfriend Taylor Swift helping him cross over into the mainstream.
And his New Heights podcast is now rivaling Joe Rogan's for the most popular in the world. Do you believe that?
Really? Yeah. Joe Rogan's podcast is huge. He gets better money than Howard Stern because he has that much of an audience.
And now the New Heights podcast. We're not far bound.
Oh, no, no, no. I know. I know they hear us creep.
They feel less creep. And I mean, with our big bad Des Moines audience and Kansas City right behind it, they are sweating.
Yeah, I think we're in the top five podcast would have to be would have to be. Yeah. Yeah.
So so Joe Rogan's rival and Joe Rogan's podcast for most popular in the world and sponsors all over the globe are taking note.
Kelsey is in the third year of a 57 million dollar deal, which expires at the end of next year's NFL campaign.
But insiders told the U.S. Sun that a whopping 50 brands are looking to get the 34 year old on their books.
He already has pen deals with Nike, Amazon, Pfizer and La Homa, Helzberg Dining's.
I don't know where the La Homa came from. I knew Helzberg, but you know, they are the Helzbergs are from Kansas City and they started here.
Yet some big guns have already come knocking with the hope of signing up the NFL star.
Calvin Klein wants him to do a brand ambassador on a three year contract with a plan to use in some modeling context in the United States and for international campaigns.
Luggage company Samsonite has increased their offer to 800000 a year since he landed a second successive Super Bowl ring.
While Gillette and Kiehl's, I don't know what Kiehl's is, have both weighed in with multi million offers.
Kiehl's is spelled K I E H L S. Do you have any idea what that is, Rob?
Yeah. I don't either. I'll look it up later.
Car manufacturer Toyota has identified the combative tight end as a new idol of sports and entertainment because of his relationship with Taylor Swift and wants to offer him a 15, no, no, no, I'm sorry, a 1.5 million a year four year deal which includes signing on bonus of 1.2 million.
Kelsey and Swift were seen enjoying a date by the Sydney Sue before he attended one of her concerts.
You know, it's insane the amount of attention that this whole relationship has garnered. And I mean, I could even see a scenario where they're like going to be like, well, we don't think this is going to be long term, but we're going to act like it keeps going.
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying this, I think they're very much in love and I think that they're a couple. But if it ever gets to where they might break up, I think they might have a little talk and go, you know what, it's in both our best interests to keep this thing going for a while.
Yeah.
Yeah. But I think they're very much in love and I think that they will get married and I wish them the best. I mean, Taylor Swift by all means.
I honestly do too.
I do too.
I just do not agree with her political views. That's why I do not like Taylor Swift.
I do not either, not even one ounce. But I'm also not one of these people.
We cannot talk about that on this show.
No, no, no.
All you gotta know is I hate Taylor Swift.
Yeah, okay. I'll put it like this right here, okay. We're not one of these programs. We're dick jokes and we admit it and we're light hearted. All we're trying to do is give someone a chuckle and that's it.
You know, we're not making a dime. We're doing this on our own time. And you know, if there's some bohemists out there that are a little bit, I don't know, thinking that like maybe we'll weak sauce or something, we don't care.
We admit we don't want to cause any, we're not stirring up anything. You know, there's so many programs that were very good and they jumped the shark.
You know, I can compare this to Alex Jones, okay. Alex Jones, the first thing I believe if I remember correctly, and if I'm wrong, I'm sorry, but he started alluding that the Holocaust was fake.
Okay, now you can talk about the government trying to control everybody. You can talk about the government trying to seize guns. You can talk about everything. But once you start getting into that, the Holocaust is fake. You are jumping the shark.
Yeah, you're, you're
As a talk show. Yes. And then the killer was a Sandy Hook. Sandy Hook was fake. That, that whole shit that he got his ass sued off of and his show thrown off of everywhere, allegedly and all that stuff.
So, you know, Alex Jones at first, he was pretty good. You know, he brought up some points that nobody ever thought of. You know, he was the first one.
He was the first one. He was good at first, but then I started noticing him jumping the shark. So right now what's going on with some of these right wing show hosts are they're going, well, the reason Taylor and Travis are together is they're promoting Pfizer and they're going to promote President Biden.
No, that's not going on. You're jumping the shark. That's where you take the mainstream audience that was listening to you and you throw 90% of them in a trash barrel because they're leaving. They're not going to listen to it.
They're like, you know what? I agree with this. I agree with this. I agree with this. But now you're jumping the shark. Now you're doing an Alex Jones. Now you're crossing over into what you should leave alone.
So I will agree with a lot of things, but I don't believe any of that's true. Super Bowl isn't rigged. They're in a big concerted effort to not catch the Chiefs holding. There's not a concerted effort for Taylor and Travis to be together. None of that is happening.
So anyhow, and I will reiterate, I do not agree with Taylor Swift at all on any of your political views, but that's neither here nor there. I can honestly tell you that I'm pretty damn confident that none of this other stuff is going on.
Yeah, no, I agree. I agree with you. I do. Yeah. You know, so anyhow, while we were talking about football, I got a nice little story that landed on my lap about two minutes before we got on the air. You want to hear it?
Sure.
Miami Dolphins star Tyreek Hill is facing a lawsuit from a model who claims his anger caused a blocking drill at his house to go horribly wrong. Sophie Hall, a plus-sized influencer with more than two million followers on Instagram, claims she was invited to take part in an offensive line blocking drill after watching Hill train in his backyard on June 28, 2023, per a copy of the lawsuit published by the Daily Mail.
On her first defensive line rep, Hall alleges that she managed to push Hill backward, drawn laughter from a group of witnesses, including Hill's trainer, mother and sister. Hall said in 2019 that she is a 6'1 and weighs 250 pounds, while Hill is listed in the NFL as 5'10 at 191 pounds.
Hall claims that Hill became embarrassed and angry and that he insisted that they do the drill in opposite positions. The second rep was apparently interrupted by a puppy and the third rep saw Hill hold her own, but on the fourth rep, Hill allegedly charged her violently and with great force, leaving her in excruciating pain.
Hall said she was later diagnosed with a fracture in her right leg, the lawsuit contains that her leg and x-rays and what appears to be two screws installed. She also includes screen grabs of Hill contacting her via Instagram DMs after she signed her son up for the football camp, which allegedly led to the invite to his house.
Hall posted video of herself in a wheelchair in Cass last July with the same x-rays.
Um, is it true? Who knows?
I don't know.
We're going to see how this goes in court, right?
Yeah, sounds like it.
Yeah, but on a lighter note, I got some emails and I got some ass paddlings coming up, but first, Rob, you got something you want to go to?
Yeah, since we're in sports, I'm going to switch to a different sport real quick.
Alright.
One I know you don't care for.
Okay.
Major League Baseball will expand to 32 teams in the near future with Commissioner Rob Bamford aiding to select two new cities for franchises before the end of the decade.
The leading contenders for the new teams are Charlotte, Las Vegas, Montreal, Nashville, Portland, Sacramento, Salt Lake City, and San Antonio.
Okay.
The cities boast advocacy groups and proposed ownership. Factors such as metro area population, media market rank, GDP, existing major sports franchises, and proximity to current Major League Baseball teams.
A crucial role in evaluating each location's liability.
Major League Baseball expansion is imminent and the selection of two cities will impact the league's dynamics and market reach significantly.
By the numbers, Montreal, 4.38 million metro area population.
Can I interject something though? Montreal had the Expos for years and they moved them because they did nothing.
So I don't know why they think that Montreal is going to be a great candidate now. Anyhow, go ahead.
Well, the reason why they're there, 4.38 million metro area population.
Yeah, but I mean, they're soccer country up there and it did nothing before. I mean, no one cared about the Expos and they moved.
Well, we're not saying they're going to get it. They're still picking.
They're just in the running and it could be because of certain groups up there that like baseball are raising hell so they're just kind of putting them in the mix to appease them. Who knows? Anyhow, go ahead, Rob.
Yeah, and then you got Las Vegas. That's a strong candidate. $61,711 per capita GDP. Yep. Six of the eight contender cities are home to affiliated minor league franchises.
The Nashville Sounds are a really prominent team and I think Nashville should be probably in the top running. Nashville and Vegas or possibly Charlotte, but I think Nashville and Vegas should be the two front runners of that whole list.
Sacramento and Charlotte ranked 20th and 21st respectively. And San Antonio Austin market combines for significant population potential.
It's interesting that they're lumping San Diego and Austin together.
San Antonio.
What did I say? San Diego.
Oh, San Antonio. I'm sorry. Okay, thank you, Rob. Yeah, they're lumping San Antonio and Austin together. I mean, the towns are over an hour away from each other.
But you know what? I think what they're talking about is broadcast rights.
You know, if San Antonio lands a team, then Austin will probably get their baseball games played there too because they're regional. Kind of like Topeka has the Royals playing.
So, okay. I got it. Right. Right. Okay.
All right. That was it on that one.
Well, that was an interesting report. It's interesting how they went from maybe contracting until a big deal was signed and now all of a sudden they're expanding.
Yeah. Well, yeah.
This is, they're planning this through this decade. So by the end of the decade, there will be two more teams.
Yeah. And by the way, baseball was my first love growing up.
Well, mine too. Mine too. I agree.
Baseball has told me through their actions, they don't want me as a fan.
So, okay. I'll go to football and other sports because they don't want me as a fan.
They don't give a shit if I love the Royals, a small market team. They don't give a shit if I can go to a game because it's way too expensive.
They don't give a shit about me. So, you know what baseball? I don't give a shit about you.
So, the sport itself, fantastic fun, great. But until they change their ways, fuck them. I hope they go under.
So, anyhow, you want to take our first break and then we'll come back with some ass paddlings?
Sounds good.
Alright, sounds good to me too. Alright, we'll talk to you guys here in a minute.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper. It's strange insults from an alien. Real hilarity.
Every sock you wear is slightly rotated. Just enough for it to be uncomfortable.
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Well, guess they finally figured out the microphone. Idiots.
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And we are back. Two douchebags and microphone. I'm Mark.
And I am Rob.
Excuse me. I do have a cold. So if I sound different and I'm hacking a little bit and I'm kind of slurring, I'm sorry. I'm not quilled up really good.
But honestly, I've been fighting something to.
Well, I had a breathing fine or the next minute I got stuff laying down the back of my throat.
Yeah, it's been horrible. Yeah. So.
Anyhow, so not to be gross, everybody. No, no, no. But I'm slurring a little bit. I know this and I quilled up and I know I sound nasally or something weird.
So that's what's going on. But Rob and I, the show goes on, right?
Like always, like always. The show is first. So and this isn't joking either.
Except for Cruz Cruz Cruz has come first. Cruz has come first. Yes.
All right, Rob, you got me on that one. You fucker.
Sorry, Blake. Sorry, Blake. Hey, Hi, Opal. Hi, Opal. How are you doing?
And hi, Jimmy. Jimmy was it Jimmy?
It is Jimmy. I went back and it is Jimmy. And I wrote it. I will not forget that.
I won't either. Jimmy and Opal. Hi, Grandma Opal. We love you.
And I don't know how well I really didn't want to relate it to Jimmy because of Jimmy X. Or not, Jeffy X.
Jeffy X. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. So thank you, Jimmy and Jimmy, the greatest grandson ever. And thank you, Opal. We love you. Thanks for listening.
Thanks for listening. Let's go ahead and get to some mass paddling. Does that sound good?
I'm ready. All right. I had a rough day. I'm ready.
You're ready. You got some aggression? All right. Are you going to do the paddling then?
You're going to do the paddling, right?
Oh, no. It's like always. We take turns.
Okay. Okay. Well, this originated like I told people before and some people are new to this.
Invisible Ass Paddling is nothing new to do just two douchebags and microphone.
It originated probably the third show we ever done back in 2022, I believe it was.
So anyhow, what Topher and I were walking along the beach and this is a story that we're given.
Okay. And I stubbed my toe on something, you know, we're walking along the beach.
The sunlight was coming up and the wind was blowing through our hair and caressing it softly.
And we were not holding hands, although Rob and his brother say we were. We were not holding hands.
So anyhow, I stubbed my toe on like a bottle or something. I'm like, what the hell was that?
I turn around and Topher goes, hey, dude, that looks like a genie bottle. I'm like, oh my God, it does.
So I go over there, open it up and Topher and I are like, hey, cool. We get three wishes in the genies.
Like he rolls his eyes. He's very condescending. He couldn't stand this really.
He goes, no, no, no. You watch too much TV. You get one wish, one wish only. So use it wisely.
I suggest world peace, clean up the environment, something.
But anyhow, Topher and I look at each other and said, we want to be invisible so we can ass paddle.
The genie reluctantly, he rolled his eyes. He said, very well, I have to give you your wish.
So once a month we turn invisible and we get to ass paddle people.
So this is where this list comes from. So without any further ado, first one on the list.
Little Skippy Bayless or like I like to call him Skippy Ballless.
Oh yeah. Yeah.
For being a little bitch and constantly sniffing about everything.
He was sniffing off about the cowboys again and everything.
And he's always been like kind of bashing my homes and saying he is a dick raid.
And anyhow, he went on a tirade and I'm not even going to repeat it.
But excuse me, because my voice really won't kind of allow it right now.
But there's a bunch of shit he said that's just totally stupid.
But even more than normal, everything he says is usually stupid and uninformed in my opinion.
But anyhow, he deserves an ass paddling of epic proportions, believe me.
And he's even in the Hall of Fame.
So we're going to pull him out of the Hall of Fame and we're going to paddle his ass again several times because he needs it.
The next one, the shooters at the KC Victory Parade.
They get a lifetime of ass paddling.
Amen. Amen.
Yes, they get a lifetime of ass paddling.
I mean, we're going to put him in the Hall of Fame and pull him out daily for ass paddling.
And hopefully we have to pull him out of the prison to ass paddle him and throw him back in.
So, the shooters, you guys are idiots. You suck and you deserve ass paddling.
And hopefully some other things happen to your ass while you're in there too.
You never know. I do know people.
Yeah?
I couldn't make the ass paddling happen.
You know, and there's worse things that could happen to their ass in prison too. We know this.
It probably will.
Yeah, yeah. So, have fun guys.
Killing an innocent person because someone gave me a wrong look.
Fuck. Yeah, okay. Yeah, that's not Kansas City.
Okay, sure. You don't watch the news? Fuck.
Okay, anyhow.
Number three.
Anyone who was married in the disco-themed shitter in Verona, Kentucky.
Now, I love the disco-
I love the disco-themed shitter.
I love it on its own, but people get married in a shitter. I'm sorry.
Yeah, I get married in it. That's taken over the top.
That's taken over.
Yeah, I was just listening to that segment.
That was, I mean, when I saw that story, I'm like, oh my God, this story was made for two douchebags and a microphone.
I mean, yeah, I love it. You sit down on the toilet, a big disco ball drops down.
It's great. It has a large red button.
You get married in there? Come on.
It has a large red button, Rob. So, when you sit down, okay, you can have a quiet moment, right?
Let's say you're pinching a couple off, okay?
And they're like, okay, now I got the paperwork, so let's go ahead and start this party.
You hit the red button. Time to celebrate. Yes, time to celebrate.
You know, I mean, before you may not want all of that commotion because some of it takes a certain amount of concentration, right?
Yeah. You got to make sure it's tapered off correctly.
You got to make sure there's no excess still, you know, standing in places.
You got to make sure everything's ready for the final wipe.
I don't know. I do things better with music, so.
Okay, you might be one of the ones that need music to get the whole task done.
Me, myself, I think I would have a moment of silence while I'm pitching them off.
Then, as soon as the coast is clear for wiping, start the party.
But that's me, so.
Anyhow, but anyone that's married in that shitter, you get an ass paddle.
We will find you. We will hunt you down on marriage license records, and we will ass paddle you, so.
Yes, we will.
The next one. The idiot fans that believe the Super Bowl was rigged for Taylor Swift to endorse Biden.
Who comes up with this shit?
I don't have a clue.
I mean, are they that bored? Or is it someone throwing this shit out and just seeing what sticks?
Or is it, and like I said, this has nothing to do with political stance at all.
It's just a ridiculous statement by people making ridiculous claims.
That's not what's going on.
I believe social media.
You know what, you're probably right Rob. I think one thing fed to another.
Back in the 70s, if some football star got with some singing star, they wouldn't have all this controversial shit.
You know, you're right. You're right.
They'd be able to live their lives happily and peace.
True.
It's the 70s and 80s, but now that we have the internet, oh, everybody's in everybody's business.
I'll put it like this. Back in the 60s, you had John F. Kennedy and his brother doing fucking nasty things all over the White House of Women, allegedly.
You never heard a word about it.
Yeah, you never heard a word about it.
You had Lyndon B. Johnson fucking throwing his huge fucking tool on a table to win arguments. You never heard a word about it.
You got a president cross-dressing in the White House. You never heard a word about it.
And that is because they believed in a certain amount of integrity and some things they're just going to leave alone.
And it's not really worth repeating and it's done. You know what I mean?
There was a certain amount of, the office commanded a certain amount of respect that Urbay gave.
It's not like today where people on the internet, oh, hey, here's so and so.
And it's like a Photoshopped whatever or AI generated. So, you know, I think you're right. Social media has destroyed that.
Well, but still, if Joe Biden barks, we hear about it.
Yes, and I don't really give a shit about Joe Biden at all.
I don't want to hear about him. I want to look at him.
So, okay, next one. Speaking of Joe Biden, President Biden for hiding the fact that his dog Commander actually bit 24 people in the White House before he retired him to Delaware.
24 people.
24.
24. You can look it up. It's a 24 right now. But I told you what I'd like to do. If I was president, I would teach my dog to hump their legs, secret service legs, and they would have to let him finish.
Otherwise, if they didn't, they're fired.
Wouldn't that be funny?
Wow, I didn't know that number got up to 20.
Yeah, that's 24. Yep.
Yeah, that's a lot. That's a lot of hiding bites, isn't it?
Dude.
Yeah.
Next.
Jennifer Aniston for having a closet the size of most people's homes. And we're going to bare ass-bank her for obvious reasons. Waka waka waka.
Yeah, there is a big article.
She is my age.
Yep. She's a little bit younger than me, but there's nothing wrong with that.
There's no way in hell she'd want anything to do with me.
Oh no, me neither. I would be a peasant. Yep. Yep. Yeah. She wouldn't even let me sweep her house because she wouldn't trust me.
Like no, that guy right there.
That's too close to her ex-husband.
Oh, that's right.
Brad Pitt. They get along well. He's from down around Spurkyfield. Brad Pitt is. Yep. Yep.
I knew many people who went to school with him.
Yeah, I think she's going to leave the Missouri boys alone from now on.
You know, the whole thing is, is Brad Pitt didn't cheat on her, according to John Aniston, her dad's book.
She cheated on Brad, but they both decided to make Brad be the bad guy. It would be better for their careers.
This is what John Aniston's book said, her dad.
Oh wow. Yeah.
So, you know.
I'll have to look into that.
Yeah. Yeah. Interesting because we all just assumed that Brad Pitt, that sly devil, he went and put those baby blues on another chick. Yep. Got him.
But supposedly that's not what happened.
But anyhow, having a closet the size of people's houses is insane. I'm sorry. Excessive. Yeah.
And you get an ass-paddling over that, but it's bare ass so we can, you know, enjoy it too.
So, next one, Starbucks for the pork flavored latte. And Starbucks is already in the Hall of Fame for a lot of other reasons.
So, we're going to go ahead and pull them out of the Hall of Fame. And we should have a, okay Rob, I want you to okay this or not.
The new rule is if we pull you out of the Hall of Fame, it's not just one ass-paddling.
If we have to go through the trouble of going and getting you again, it's going to be a series of ass-paddling's. Right? For all the trouble?
Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. I mean we're not just going to go grab you and give you an ass-paddling and throw you back in the Hall of Fame.
If you're that commanding of that type of getting your ass-paddled that bad, then there should be some consequences behind it. Right?
Yep. Yep. So there you go. So, Starbucks is getting pulled out of the Hall of Fame.
It'll probably have, I would say what, a month? Maybe a month to ass-paddling's until we get to the next ones?
Yeah. Yeah. Maybe. We'll see how it goes.
Yeah. Okay. The next one, the mad crop dusters. And I say crop dusters at work. And you will find that out when I read some emails.
Uh oh.
The mad crop dusters. Yes. They get ass-paddling as soon as I catch them. And they hit me again. A couple of times.
I'm starting to wonder about your workplace.
I'm wondering if it's even a safe environment.
I always did. I always did wonder about it. No, not really. It's a cool place. Except for the people that are crop dusting me.
Right. Right.
And then finally, last but not least, that the idiot that came up with the chiefs are holding on every play bullshit. That guy gets an ass-paddling.
I almost tempted to throw him in the Hall of Fame. Yep.
But I don't know who he is, so I can't really go. You know, Ed over there gets in the Hall of Fame. You know, so I guess we're just going to keep an ass-paddling and just leave it at that.
If I knew his name. That's fine. If I knew who came up with this exactly, we could put him in the Hall of Fame. But since it's, you know, whoever, we'll find him and we'll ass-paddle him.
So anyhow, you got something you want to go to because I can't really talk?
Yeah. I got a little one here. This is a Lake area story.
Okay, cool. We like those.
Lake of the Ozarks. Yep.
HGTV is premiering a new TV show about all about the Lake of the Ozarks.
Wow.
The Lake Empire.
The show will showcase the luxurious waterfront homes along Lake of the Ozarks equipped with added features like mega custom pools and hot tubs, extravagant decked out docks valued at up to 450,000 with boat-slipped wet bars and double-decker water slides.
According to a press release from HGTV, the release says the Lake area is known as the antifreeze of the Midwest due to its lavish million dollar luxury homes. But the area also has more water stones.
Real estate agents like Peggy Albers, a former convicted felon. I did not know that.
No, I didn't either.
Longtime locals including brothers Jonas and Justin Farrell and Sierra Grimm and Lake area newcomers, Gerardo and Amanda Smith are set to appear in the first season along with others.
The new series premieres on March 11th at 9 p.m. Central Time on HGTV and is available for streaming at the time on Mac.
Cool.
Yeah, we're getting our own show about one-time million dollar homes.
Wow. And not a fake show about money laundering.
No, no, no. This is actually on HGTV.
Yeah. Although I did love the show, Ozark.
Oh, I did too. I did too.
Okay. Well, why don't we take our second break and I'm going to come back with some emails. That sound good?
Sounds great.
All right. We'll talk to you pukes here in a little bit. No, assholes. We'll talk to you assholes here in a couple minutes.
Pukes is your other show.
Yeah, that's right.
And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark.
Hmm. Let's see. If a worm could talk, would it be argumentive?
Hmm. I may never know.
Next up, Things Overheard in Hell.
Joe Buck and Troy Aitman are doing all televised and radio games of the NFL this year.
Oh, Lord. That man just saw a puppy in half.
Hey there. Don't worry. I have a clown nose.
Oh, no. That drunk guy just hit my child.
It's okay. I have a clown nose.
Clown nose. Just a little bit.
It's okay. I have a clown nose.
Clown nose. Just put one on and you can do anything.
Want to run for office? Murder people in public? Just grab a clown nose and bam, everyone laughs.
Clown noses are sold at gag stores online and pedophile conventions. Grab one today and make magic happen.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien. Real hilarity.
You are dressed like an assistant debate coach at an Ohio State Middle School.
Since we haven't a budget here at Two Douchebags and a Microphone, here's a random guy on the street to promote our show.
Hi everybody. I'm Thready. I love listening to Two Douchebags and a Microphone and I get all my pertinent information from them. They are incredible and I love them so.
Two Douchebags and a Microphone. I'm Mark.
And I am Rob.
Alright, Robert. Are you ready for a ride?
Okay, Mark. I hope you did not hear that over my, over everything.
No, what was it? I heard nothing.
During that break I got an ambulance out of Kansas City.
It took you that long? I got that right before the show. Wow.
Okay.
No, no. It just can't. I was hoping it didn't come across during a break.
It did not. It didn't. I got it right before the show. Right when I was getting ready to call you it came across.
I don't know. It didn't have hours of wait. Come on, man.
Maybe whoever did the abduction is headed that way.
I'm lucky I got it.
You're right. Towers down there and they got a fence.
Although, although I did have somebody up there and built, get ahold of me a while ago.
And told me about some manhunt or something that went on right at, right here by the Campion Airport.
Which is where I worked is right next door. I didn't hear nothing about it all day.
Today there was?
Yeah.
Wow. I'll have to look that up.
Yeah. She even screen shot me a Facebook post.
Oh, wow.
I was like, damn. Yeah. I didn't hear nothing about it. I was right there. But I'm busy working.
Did they get the person?
I don't know. I haven't even looked it up yet. I ain't got no news breaks about it or nothing.
But she heard about it up in Camp City.
Wow. Well, I couldn't tell you right now because our local channels are off right now.
Because we have direct TV streaming. And there's a satellite that's mispositioned as of last night.
And all the local channels are not on there right now because the satellite is aiming the wrong way.
And they're working to try to get the satellite aimed the right way to where we can pick up the local channels.
So like I told him, I said, well, I said my payment will be aimed the wrong way.
And it might take a few weeks to get there. So anyhow, I'm just irritating as fuck. But what do you mean?
Okay. Emails, like I said.
Hey guys, you all have any bumper stickers for lack of a better term? You know, stickers that identify the show.
Maybe with a QR code on it that goes to the show. I would really love to show my support here in St. Paul.
Thank you, Dave. St. Paul, Minnesota. St. Paul.
That would be Minnesota.
Thank you. We're working on all this. We're working on all this.
We're working on all this. Yes.
Tofer a long time ago had a QR code made for the show, but it wouldn't work half the time.
There's some sort of a generator. So if I have to pay someone to do it eventually or if I can figure out how to do it myself.
Yeah. And I think the QR code should not say anything.
Just a QR code and people go scan it and it takes us to their show. Because that's what a lot of podcasts are doing. Did you know that?
No, I did not.
They have no idea. I really don't listen to other podcasts.
Oh no, I just know about this because I've had people tell me. Like airports are a big thing. They'll have like a QR code above the sink.
And it doesn't say anything at all. And then someone goes click and takes them to a podcast.
But, nah, you know what? I want our name on it. You know what? I want our name on it. We've got a good solid name. So why not use it?
Yeah.
Next one. Hey Mark. This is the Mad Crop Duster.
I now have another person helping me with my crop dusting needs. I intend to destroy your nostrils with our vile nectar.
Good luck douchebag. We will be double teaming to destroy your air quality.
What the fuck? Rob, any suggestions?
That's it. That's it.
This is war.
I'm quitting my job. You're helping me get hired on there. We're going to bust these two fucking bitches.
Oh, they're getting ass paddling soon. I'm going to catch these fuckers. Hey, we're going to hold them down. We're going to ass paddle them for hours.
Yeah, you need my help now, sounds like.
And I think one of us should wear a Satan mask naked while paddling them.
Then the other person should wear like a gunny sack and a goat outfit.
Does that sound good while we're paddling them?
I get the gunny sack and goat outfit.
Okay, I'll get the devil head and the nakedness to ass paddle them.
There you go. There you go.
Alright, you got yourself a deal Rob.
Next. Rob, what is your favorite soup?
Raven and Williamsburg. What's your favorite soup?
These fuckers killed me. Your favorite soup? I don't know why they want to know.
Tomato.
Tomato soup?
Honestly, yeah. There's a few nights. Me and my son will have tomato soup and grilled cheese for dinner.
Hey, there's nothing wrong with that. That's good eating.
Raven, I think I'd be a female, right? Raven and Williamsburg.
The only Williamsburg I know is in Kansas down near Ottawa.
Yeah, you're right.
Raven, send Rob a pic. Rob Rad.
Facebook page, you'll see it on there. His email's on there.
I am single.
By the way, Facebook page is reaching out. I'm getting more visits. I'm getting more reaches.
Our followers are way up. That's probably why.
It takes time to get out there.
Yeah, it does. Also, there's another way I'm going to get our show across too.
I told you my friend Marky, he's doing a sports podcast now. He did this certain thing.
I don't want to reveal it because all this stuff is nerd stuff.
When he did it, he had a 95% increase in listeners.
Wow.
Yeah.
Anyhow, we will probably be doing that because that is really low cost and easy to do.
Next one. Mark, do you feel the urge to lick windows asking for a friend? Rip Blankenship.
We know that's not Rip Blankenship. I am Rip.
Yeah, we know it ain't. You are.
Yeah, I do lick windows. Why? Is there something wrong with that? Rob?
Something wrong with that?
You have for years, man.
That's normal. I don't know where this person gets off.
Yeah, we've been there a couple of times where we lick windows together.
Yeah, yeah. Yippee-A. What the fuck?
Yeah.
Oh, this next one. This next one.
Now, remember, we started off with sports, right?
I think most, I think seven out of the last eight podcasts we started off with sports, right?
Yeah.
Something like that?
Douchebags.
Oh, they had the Super Bowl going on too.
Yeah, yeah. That was part of it. But, Douchebags, where is your fucking weekly sports show?
I've been waiting. Mark and Macon. Macon, Georgia, maybe? I don't know.
No, I'm not going to do one now because you keep fucking with me.
Remember when you were a kid and you're in the store, right? And you're asking for Cocoa Crisp or something, right?
And they're like, Mommy, Mommy, want to make it Cocoa Crisp?
As soon as you learn to leave me alone. You ever hear that one?
Yep.
Well, just tonight you'd start off with football and I even threw in a damn baseball story.
Yeah, and I hate baseball officially.
That was actually our first start of the show.
Yeah, Mark and Macon, like I said, imagine when you're a kid and you're yelling at your mom to get you a certain cereal and she said,
As soon as you quit bugging me, I will. Well, here you go. You'll get your sports show as soon as you quit bugging us, right?
Yep.
Yep. You keep fucking with us, you won't get one. As of right now, because you keep flipping off, we're not giving you one.
And as good parents, everybody else has to pay the price, too.
That's right. Do you feel good, Mark and Macon? Do you feel good? You got everyone else in trouble through your actions.
Yep. Yep.
They could be feasting on a weekly sports show, but no, because you had to screw it up, mouthing off, and it's not going to happen now.
Alright, next one.
Mark, I have a sore on my anal wall.
What the fuck? Ripped these things out of...
Excuse me, I'm sorry, and I'm also sick.
Excuse me.
I would have a cough, but we're too poor for one. So you just have to endure it.
No, no, no.
Um, hang on a minute. Let me gather myself.
Yeah, yeah, you need to gather your thoughts here for a second before you finish this one.
Okay. Next time, Rob's going to sing for you while I blow my nose.
Okay.
Let me start this over. It started because this fucker made me laugh, and I start coughing.
Okay. Mark, I have a sore on my anal wall. I am scared it could be cancer. Could you look it up and tell me what it could be, please?
Jeff and Strasburg. Strasburg, Missouri, I guess.
Oh, I bet it is.
Strasburg's on the other side of Harrisonville, isn't it?
Right, yeah.
Yeah, that's what I'm saying. On the east side, kind of near... Oh shit, what was that?
Out the middle of nowhere.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like ten people. Um, yeah, it's cancer. You're probably going to die. Sorry.
I'm sorry. We're sorry.
You're done. You're done. All those dreams you had, flush them down the toilet. You're going to be a skeleton in one time.
If we get word you die, we will hold a vigil.
Yes, yes. Yep. Yes, we will. Jeff and Strasburg, we loved you, but it's just your time. We're sorry. It's your time.
I've been to a few parties in Strasburg back in the day.
Have you, really?
Wow. Strasburg's kind of like Eastland.
They're out in the country, man. They're out there.
Wow. I remember we used to play them occasionally in football, and they were one team that was smaller than us.
That was hard to beat.
I didn't realize they had a school.
Yeah, well, it's like, um, rule, rule, reorganize three or something.
Two, three little towns together.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I forgot the name of it, but anyhow.
Um, okay. The next one. I love this. This is, uh, this is our old friend, Montrose.
Hey, douches. Could you please make the public aware of our centennial celebration here in Montrose?
The Jewel of Henry County. This Saturday, February 24th, get free... Oh wait. Oh shit, it's over. I got this too late. I'm sorry.
Aww.
This Saturday, February 24th, get free worms for power plant fishing, a no cost tour of the junkyard, and two for one campgrounds all weekend.
Come on down and enjoy Henry County at its finest. First third of people get a free oil rag.
What the fuck? Man, I'm sorry. I blew it.
I blew it. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. And I have one more thing here that I downloaded.
I could have found that. I could have found that. Part three at Dan Vega.
Yeah, yeah. Open house. Centennial celebration. What the hell? Damn it.
Ashley, boys. Ashley, boys, you're there. Let me know if you got one.
Yeah. And here's a special email I wrote out, but I already addressed last podcast because he annoyed the piss out of me.
John John, I assure you I am not this morning's show guy you speak of.
I will not say his name because it sounds like I'm putting myself, patting myself on the back.
John John has written me several times and is swearing he is on to our little joke, publicity stunt, or whatever.
He thinks I'm the famous radio show host that is playing a trick, acting like someone else.
He claims he can tell that I am altering my voice to trick people.
I'm just trying to get through to him. I'm not that guy. I would not be doing this show for free if I was.
So John John. John John. Yeah. Okay.
I have a bar since 1985. Yes.
Now he is not some radio host. We both wish we were.
Yes, that's why we're doing this. We both wish we were. That's why we're doing this. So there you go.
Anyhow, that was downloaded with the rest of the emails, but I already addressed that because he was annoying the piss out of me.
Because he sent me another email that was like urgent and you know the urgent ones you read really quick.
And I'm like you motherfucker. It's like dude, I don't know, you know, even if I was this guy that he speaks of, right, why would I even, I wouldn't fess to it anyhow, right?
Because I'm playing a joke. Right, right, right. Okay. Seriously, no.
Yeah, yeah, for real. I think everybody knows except for John John. Okay. I think everybody knows except for John John. So.
Hell, ask Crop Duster. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, if I was this famous radio guy playing a host, a joke on everybody, I would not be getting crop dusted at work constantly.
So there you go. No, no, you probably would be, but. But probably by Rob. Yeah.
Because if I was this guy, Rob would probably be my engineer or something that, you know. Yeah, we're a team.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He'd be my trusty sidekick or whatever. So yeah, yeah, so there you go.
So, anyhow, I've got to get to this one story. I've had it for a long, long time.
And. Okay. Hang on a second. Let me get my readers on because this is a very small print. And I don't know why. I've had mine on. I've had mine on the whole time.
Okay. A Delta Airlines flight was forced to turn around Tuesday after maggots began falling from the overhead storage bin and onto passengers, according to the Daily Mail.
Delta flight DL 133 was headed from Amsterdam to Detroit when it had to turn around about an hour into the flight.
The outlet reported a suitcase in the overhead bin containing rotten fish broke open, causing the maggots inside to fall onto passengers.
Could you imagine? Oh, God. Once the plane landed, passengers got off the flight while the owner of the suitcase was detained.
The pastor named Kelsey told the Daily Mail it remains unknown if any actions were taken against the suitcase owner.
The cabin was thoroughly cleaned following the incident and the luggage was taken off of the aircraft to be burned, the outlet noted.
Pastors on board were given 8000 air mile credits, $30 meal voucher and a hotel room compensation if they were delayed overnight.
Kelsey told the outlet a Reddit user who claimed to have been on the flight posted about the experience on the platform's Delta thread.
My family and I were in the road directly in front of the maggots.
The lady right behind us told the flight attendant the maggots are falling on her head.
And the user, I turned around and they were wiggling around in the seat.
They moved us further in front though one of our carry-on bags was rightly nearby and it was so disgusting that I could hardly grab my carry-on bag without vomiting.
We apologize to the customers of Flight 133 on February 13th as the trip was interrupted due to an improperly packed flight.
Delta Airlines said in a statement to USA Today, the aircraft returned to the gate and customers were placed on the next available flight.
The aircraft was removed from service for cleaning.
Oh my God, I mean are they going to charge that guy? You know how much money that cost him?
Oh man.
I mean not just, you know, picking up everybody's flight credits and meal vouchers and hotel rooms.
But also all the flights that were delayed because that flight didn't get to make it to Detroit.
That causes a ripple of flight. The price cost him probably hundreds of thousands of dollars, wouldn't you say?
Yeah.
Yeah, I just wonder if they have something or if they just have insurance for that and they just like, I don't know, tell the guy he can't fly anymore or something and then they just collect from their account.
Tell the guy he can't fly anymore or something and then they just collect from their insurance.
I'd be interested to know what happens if something like that happens, what the protocol is. Do they go after the person or what?
Anyhow, alright, we are approaching an hour and I have no voice. Rob, do you have anything you want to get to?
Actually, yeah, mine's messing with me too.
Okay, then maybe we should go ahead and just call it a night.
Yeah, I'll be on it.
Hopefully tomorrow night my voice will be better and Rob will be a little bit better and we'll, although I feel this was a pretty good podcast, I think.
Yeah, I did too. We turkeyed Tom and yeah.
Yeah, I mean we're doing the best we can. If I have a cough button here, I have a pause button but the problem with the pause button is it pauses Rob and Rob needs to, you know, Rob is talking while I'm coughing so then you would hear nothing.
So, you know, it's just the way that this thing is set up. So if I had a cough button like a normal studio, you wouldn't have heard on that but because we are a Mickey Mouse operation, a tin can operation, you don't get that.
You get me coughing and wheezing in your ear. So, sorry.
But I love my end of it because on my phone I have a mute button so I can cough all I want.
Oh, you see I got to run you through Bluetooth because I have a mute button too but I can't do that so.
So you get to hear that.
Yeah.
Alright.
You know what? Yeah.
On that note, let's go ahead and call this a night. Thank you everybody for listening. Have a great night.
Good night assholes.
Good night assholes. I keep forgetting that's like your line. That's your tagline.
Yeah it is.
Okay, here, hang on. Good night assholes and I'll choose.
That's perfect.
Okay, now it's your turn. You got to do it.
Good night assholes.
Hey, where did everybody go? Where are the douche bags?
Hmm.
Oh my god, someone took a dump in the corner.
Oh jeez.
Ugh, glad they're gone. Let's just hope they don't come back.
Man, that smells.
I'm going to go get some water.
Okay.
I'm going to go get some water.
Okay.
I'm going to go get some water.
Okay.
I'm going to go get some water.
Okay.
I'm going to go get some water.
Okay.
I'm going to go get some water.