Live from the historic river market in downtown Kansas City, Missouri, from the crystal blue waters of the Missouri River, it's Two Douchebags and a Microphone Podcast.
And now it's time for the Daily Douchebag Pledge.
Two Douchebags and a Microphone Pledge, I, Joe, or Jane listener, hereby promise to download every show.
I, Joe, or Jane listener, hereby promise to grab family members phones and download the show from there.
I, Joe, or Jane listener, hereby promise to go to public computers and download the show from there.
I, Joe, or Jane listener, hereby promise to laugh at all the unfunny jokes.
I, Joe, or Jane listener, hereby promise to lie to all my friends and tell them how good the show is.
And finally, I, Joe, or Jane listener, promise to visit Montrose, Missouri to take advantage of the power plant, campgrounds, and junkyard all within its quarter mile radius.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper. It's strange insults from an alien. Real hilarity.
You have more debt in your personality than you do in your ass.
Hey look, I think we found land. Oh my god, I think we're safe.
Oh no, it's the island of horrible jokes.
Singing in the shower is fun. Until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper. It's strange insults from an alien. Real hilarity.
Hey, your chair produced a sound similar to a fart, but only once. Such that, it cannot reproduce it and prove that it was just the chair.
Hi there, this is Fucknut from Two Fucknuts and a Recorder podcast.
Two Douchebags and a Microphone are our favorite podcast ever.
Please, go to your friend's computer and download it from there.
Go to your church's computer and download it from there.
Go to people you don't know and grab their phones and download it on there.
These fuckers need all the help we can get.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper. It's strange insults from an alien. Real hilarity.
May every empty parking space you see in the distance actually contain a motorcycle.
If you love vomit, we have the podcast for you.
Two thimble dicks and a crash cart will be right back.
Two Douchebags and a Microphone. Because we all need dick jokes.
Two Douchebags and a Microphone, I'm Mark.
And I am Rob.
Hey, good evening man. We've had an interesting discussion that we're going to get to here in a little bit, which I love.
Yeah, yeah.
You guys are going to love it too.
I'm saying the picture now.
Okay, thank you.
Well, anyhow, I've got something here that was interesting.
There's a bathroom in Kentucky that has a famous restroom.
It happens to be a disco themed bathroom.
This bathroom appears to be...
That sounds awesome.
It really is dude.
This bathroom appears to be quite normal until you hit this big red button on its wall.
Once you smack the button, then the whole crapper becomes one big disco party.
That's right.
It sounds like... Strobe lights, a disco ball, and of course, loud disco music.
So you're hearing like the Bee Gees and stuff like that going on.
People love this bathroom.
Dude, them fucking mirrored light balls. That'd be cool.
I would jump up with my pants down and just start fucking dancing.
That'd be awesome.
Fucking turd hanging out on me. I don't care. I'll be like, ah, ah, ah, ah, staying alive.
So anyhow.
Okay, so loud disco music, the strobe lights, disco ball, all that good stuff.
People love this bathroom concept so much that now customers are booking appointments in it to wed.
That's right.
To wed.
Tie the knot in the shitter.
The last ones were booked on Valentine's Day. Good old VD. Yes.
This story was made for us.
Yes, it was. When I first come across it, I'm like, ah, ah, this is leading off. We're leading off.
You got me topped for the night, brother.
But wait, there's more.
Oh, wait, there's more.
Well, like always, our good buddy Jeffy X found some wedding venues that were on the table that were scrapped.
Who else but Jeffy X, right?
Oh, well, yeah.
He found all these wedding venues that they, you know, did focus panels on or whatever and people decided not to do it.
And if you've been listening to the program for very long at all, here's what it is.
Jeffy X is our secret informant. He's our guy out on the run.
He wears disguises or what have you. And he gets into these places.
He finds new douche flavors. He finds secret product ideas that failed.
He is a modern day Dick Tracy. And if you don't know who Dick Tracy is, Google it.
So anyhow, anyhow, Jeffy X is so cool.
If you don't know who Dick Tracy is, you're too young.
Exactly. Go change your diaper.
Yeah, you need to get with our generation.
Damn whippersnappers.
So, okay. Jeffy X is so cool and does all this for us.
You know, he sends me the email and then, you know, on the email it says, you know, in 10 seconds, in 10 minutes this email is going to disappear.
Well, I barely got to the printer and I barely printed these out.
Thank God. I mean, just like a second later proof the email was gone.
You're always on it.
I know, I know. He keeps my motos.
I've got to give you credit as a boss. You are on it.
He keeps my motos.
I appreciate working for you.
Thank you. Yeah. Hey, you know what your bonus is, Rob?
What?
Nothing.
Awesome.
I love it.
Well, Rob's my favorite employee. He's awesome.
Hey, that's better than me having to pay you.
Yeah, that's right.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, I mean, I am going to give you a laptop and a microphone and headphones when I do see you.
Yes, yes.
So, I mean, yeah, that's somewhat of a payment, right? I don't know.
Well, Jeffy X is so cool.
That's just keeping the show going.
Yeah, it is.
I'll show you how to operate it so the next time I'm on a cruise or on vacation, you call me.
And then we just go like that.
So, it's real, the equipment is real easy to operate. It's on a timetable basis.
Anyhow, you know what?
We will get there once we can reach each other two and a half hours away from each other.
Yes. So, anyhow, we will get to that one of these days. So, and also I'm going to give you a bunch of disk drives for USB drives full of all of the skits and bits and all that stuff in every show.
Oh, good. So, I could add them in. So, I could do everything when you're at it.
Yes, that way we have backup of everything and they're on it. I've got them on little USB drives right now, but we need everything backed up, but we need double of everything.
You need to have everything and then I need to have everything and all that.
So, anyhow, Jeffy X was so cool at doing all of this that Rob embroidered him a pair of Jeffy X underwear.
It says Jeffy on the back and X on the front, right?
Yes, and it's Jeffy on the back, yeah, Jeffy on the back, X on the front.
And Rob also...
But I did talk to him. We'll get to that in a minute once you mention a certain outfit.
Okay, so Rob took the liberty of going ahead and sewing a Steven Pearcey pouch on the front of it in his underwear and this was allegedly that Steven Pearcey of the Glam Band Rat used to stuff socks in his secret pouch to look more appeasing to women and maybe some gay males.
So, anyhow, Rob did that, but we're sure Jeffy X does not need that.
He also embroidered him a flying bat suit and Jeffy X's favorite, a Sergeant Pepper outfit that he wears everywhere.
And people are like, does he wash the thing? We don't think he washes it.
So, anyhow, he wore it everywhere.
Yeah, that's what I was going to go into.
Oh, okay.
I talked to him yesterday.
Mm-hmm.
He has not washed that suit yet.
Rob, here's the answer. You need to make him another...
I'm telling you, dude, it's got to be dry cleaned. He says, I'm not washing it.
Here's what you do.
He stains all over that thing, man. I don't know what the hell he's been doing.
Oh, you know what? That's Jeffy X's business. I'm not here to judge.
Exactly.
So, anyhow...
And me, I'm a pretty simple guy. If I did things against the law, if I would break the law, I would buy him 80 hookers and about 10 pounds of blow.
But we don't break the law here, two douchebags and microphones. So he's going to get the monetary equivalent when I see him.
Man, Dian, he told me he's coming your way, so you better get the payment ready.
Yeah, I got it ready. I got it in a cashier's check.
So that way, if he loses...
He loves you. He trusts you. He just...
Well, if he loses it...
He hasn't had a chance to make it your way yet.
Yeah. Well, if he loses it, then I can go ahead and have it canceled and then give him the money later. I'm just watching out for Jeffy X.
Yeah, I got it. Now, he understands that.
Oh, Rob, and a disclaimer. If you don't know what a cashier's check is, Google it.
He understands.
Yep. All right. Well, number one, the wedding venues have failed. The carp and gar hatchery venue did not go over well.
Why not?
The fish smell was upsetting to certain women. Allegedly.
Oh, come on.
I don't... I have nothing to do with these. I thought a carp and gar wedding would be excellent.
That'd be awesome.
You could grab a couple in a sailing net and, I don't know, play catch the carp.
You have your decorations and your meal all in one.
You could take a gar and poke someone in the ass with it for shits and giggles. Wouldn't that be great?
You'd be like, oh, hey, oh, it's a gar. You got me, Rob. Oh, you're such a card. Oh, man.
Number two, the Ukrainian Southern Border Wedding venue was also denied. Claimed it was the wrong kind of blast.
Eh, I guess so.
Eh. Eh, eh, eh. Okay. Look, they're not all gems, okay?
Well, we... you and I and our listeners know not all of them are gems.
Not all of them are gems. Every now and then you get a turd in that diamond factory.
Excuse me. Not all listeners are assholes.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Assholes. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh, real quick. Hi, Opal.
Hi, Opal. Love you, Grandma.
We love you and I forgot our grandson's name already, so anyhow. And grandson. I'll go back and look through the email.
Johnny?
Johnny. Yeah, Johnny. That sounds great. Okay. Thank you, Johnny. I don't know. You know what?
I can't... it's something close to that.
Rob, it's a thought that can't be, right?
Hey, as long as we remember Opal, that's all that matters.
Yes, that's right. And that's all he cared about was Opal. So you know what? Thank you. Thank you, Grandma Opal. We love you. Thanks for listening.
Yes.
And thank God you have a really, really cool grandson that downloads the show and lets you listen to it. So.
And if you want to get some local news, we'll cover it too.
Yeah, yeah. We can tell you what's going on in Dodge City.
We'll make it part of my segment if we have to.
The Dodge City Showdown or something like that.
Yeah, there you go. That'd be awesome.
Yeah, with the Dodge City Showdown. It would kind of like reminiscent of like Matt Dillon and all that. You know, Dodge City, Kansas, famous Western fighting city. Yeah.
Alright. Number three.
Give us the demolition derby results. Whatever.
Oh, that would be cool. Oh yeah. Car number five ran into car number three.
Car number one ran into car number seven. Car number seven caught flames. Guy ran out screaming. What could go wrong?
Number three. The win of President Biden as your ring bearer contest is off. Turns out in all the rehearsals Biden kept telling the whipper snappers to get off his lawn.
Wait a second. Repeat that.
The win of President Biden as your ring bearer contest is off.
Turns out in all the rehearsals, Biden kept telling the whipper snappers to get off his lawn.
So evidently this was going to be a venue where you had President Biden be the ring bearer, you know, and he's supposed to walk over there with the rings.
I just wanted to make sure I heard the first part right, but I agree with everything else.
Well, you know, and besides, Addy Prade.
Yeah, I know. It wasn't you.
It wasn't me, Jeffy X.
You're only the messenger.
That's right. And even if I did come up with that, can anyone argue that the guy is not fucking?
Let's not go there.
Yeah, okay. Number four.
You were going off script there.
Yes. Yes. I'm very sorry. All apologies.
Dad, Dad could send his whole podcast to a different level.
Look, it's just a joke. The guy's fucking AD and he forgets shit all the time. It's just a joke.
You can love the guy all you want.
Okay. Number four.
They have your wedding at Levi's Stadium with the 49ers contest is also off.
The players were complaining that the groom was holding the rings.
Have you heard that? All the 49ers fans say.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
The Chiefs are holding.
Number five.
The rent Vince knew for your wedding officiator has been canceled officially.
Vince kept eating all the wedding cake. I believe it.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
I can see that.
Yeah, that pie hole has got a lot of workouts.
They have your wedding at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame was canned. They couldn't figure out who to book.
Ain't that right?
Yep.
Yeah. If you ever want to watch someone do something backwards half ass and dumb, that's Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
I went in that last podcast and yeah.
I see why so many entertainers don't want nothing to do with it.
Yep. Yeah. Yep.
Too many people getting in. It should not be.
Yeah. It's a travesty. I mean, it's just anyhow.
I love the fact that when they nominated and put in Dolly Parton, she promptly went out and made a rock album.
So she deserved it.
Okay. Yeah, I agree on Dolly Parton.
That's integrity.
That's because she's been a musician for so many years.
She respects the art. She's like, I'm not a rock.
And she tried a rock album.
Which is very good. She picked some really good people to write with.
But no.
Well, actually, actually, if you think about it.
Yeah.
Her and Kitty Rogers did the Stone Island in a string.
And it was it was poppy.
It was on the pop charts.
Yeah.
For a long time.
Top of the pop charts.
I wouldn't exactly call it the rock charts that it was on.
So anyhow, it was like the hot 100 or whatever they call it.
Yeah. Yeah. Top 100.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. So.
All right. The next have your wedding deep in Bates County, Missouri woods was scrapped.
The meth head in their tents kept taking shots.
No, no, no.
Yes.
I disagree.
Okay.
You guys should be gone.
Plus that odd horrible cooking smell was very unpleasant.
Come on. These are my boys here.
All right. You're talking about Montrose. No, Montrose is in Henry County.
Oh, well, still, still.
That's why I didn't pick Henry County.
I kind of back them.
Because the beautiful town of Montrose I cannot make fun of.
In a quarter mile radius, you have a campgrounds, a power plant and a junkyard.
What else does one need?
Oh, my God.
Oh, and then what was it?
Just a little, just a little away from that.
I got meat processing too.
Oh, yes.
That was all off email.
That's right. I forgot about that.
They had to go towards me.
It did, didn't it?
I love these guys, man. They're opening the door for us.
This next joke, I'm going to go ahead and leave off because it might get us a little bit of heat or a lot of heat.
So, okay. And fine. I skipped that.
And finally, they have two douchebags and microphone. Mary, you was cut because of lack of interest.
Oh, come on.
No, no bullshit. I call. Okay.
I may or may not have added that.
My brother. Okay. We'll get in this discussion here in a few minutes.
Okay.
About my brother.
You know what?
Rob is to be a licensed minister. He can marry anybody.
Oh, that's cool.
The first rule of comedy is.
And he'll get into his sea land adventure.
That sounds great.
An update.
But Rob, the first rule of comedy is being able to make fun of yourself, right?
Oh, definitely.
Yeah. So that's what we do here.
Got it.
Yep. Just to prove that we are not to be taken seriously and we do parody here.
There you go.
And speaking of that, someone tried to catch us on a fake story already.
Oh.
But I don't have that one. I downloaded some other emails that were ahead of it.
But someone thought they caught us, but it wasn't a fake story. It was a true story.
And I just I'm going to send them back where to get it at the story.
But yeah, it's good because one person already responded, thought they got us.
And also this person demanded that I send his pencil shavings to him if he wins.
So I said, OK.
Well, such is a true story. You're not getting your pencil shavings.
So when I send a response, then you know what? They can look it up.
I'll have all the information there for him.
Or I might just take the whole article and put it in a PDF file and send it to him.
Anyhow, it just depends on the kind of type I have.
But at the same time, probably missed the wrong story.
Could be. Could be. Or maybe we didn't do a fake story yet.
Yeah, we may not have, but we may have. You don't know.
The week's coming up here. So if we didn't do a fake story, we can get to you quick.
So anyhow, let's take our first break.
And when we come back, we'll get into your brother's shenanigans. How's that?
It sounds great. Yeah, he mentioned it was talk to people.
He's got my heart about this. OK, I'll do it tonight. So it'll be good.
All right. We will talk to you people here in a little bit.
Oh, shit. What's that over there? Oh, no.
It's island of horrible jokes.
I can't take my dog to the lake. The ducks keep attacking him.
That's what I get for having a purebred dog.
The apocalypse just happened. You don't know what to do. You don't know where to go.
But we can tell you what you can eat.
On most of these apocalypse series, we tell you what plants you can eat in case of an apocalypse,
and you have to go out to your yard for food. Well, this one is going to explain to you the plants you may be aware of to not eat.
Plants that could be toxic usually might have milky white sap, thorns, spines or fine hairs or leaves or stems.
Pods with bulbs, beans or seeds, stems or trunks that have an almond scent,
three-leaf foliage growth. Also, be aware of intensely bitter or sappy flavor,
foliage reminiscent of dill, parsley or carrot.
Now it's time for pick up lines from a loser.
Are you a parking ticket? You got five written all over you.
When taking a shower, remember to scrub your asshole with soapy water because nobody likes a stinky asshole.
Two ass bags and a box of Cheez-Its will be right back.
Now we go to the amazing Mark the Palm Reader.
Hello everybody and welcome to Mark the Amazing Palm Reader. First in line, please step up.
Let's see young lady, I see a long lifeline. I see success, happiness, love, fortune.
I also see a bit index finger.
Twenty dollars please.
Now from this underground bunker in Camden, Missouri, stocked full of dried guts, canned food and a couple of vibrating toys,
is ramblings of a madman featuring Rob Ratt.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Alright Rob, we spoke a little bit ago about your brother and his shenanigans that are really kind of cool.
Okay, well, there is no way to, I mean there is no ring on this, so I'm just getting word for word from here.
Okay.
Anybody has been listening to my brother and I have sent pictures proving this to Mark.
Yes.
Did you get the last picture?
Yes I did.
Ain't that cute?
It's funny, I love it. I love it.
Flagpole Eric. My brother, we did a story, well Mark did a story about a country called Sealand.
Right off the coast of England.
Population of like one or two, whatever.
Something like that.
Well, you can go online and become a lord, which my brother did, and he has documentation which Mark has a picture of.
Yes.
It says Lord Tom of Sealand and everything. I've sent him a picture of the certification.
Yep.
And then my brother goes and puts up what I would call a she shed with a flagpole, but he actually has a Sealand flag flying.
So therefore my brother is outside Jeff City, Missouri with a Sealand embassy.
This is the American embassy of Sealand. His brother did it.
It is. You see the pictures. It's real.
And yeah, it's fucking hilarious. Me and my brother got talking and I said what about war? He goes, who's going to invade me?
Yeah, I mean, were they going to get a platform?
But I'll tell you what, it's a good looking little she shed. Got a little porch on the front.
That's cool.
Yeah, Mark, like I said, I sent a picture of Mark. It's a good looking little place.
It's really, really cool.
It's worthy of being called an embassy.
Yeah. Yeah, I love it. And think of the shenanigans that can go from there.
Now his wife, and like I said, I just talked to him a little while ago before we went on air.
Now his wife wants to be a Baroness. So now he needs to spend more money to become a Baroness.
Hey, we got to make two douchebags and a microphone the official show of Sealand.
Well, I'll tell you what, I'm going to join.
Okay.
I already made up my mind when I get a little extra money.
Okay.
It cost him $60 to become a Lord between Christmas and Valentine's Day. They were run of special.
Oh, they were $60 to be a Lord.
They were. They were run of special.
Well, I guess I got to pay the full $80 to be the Lord, I guess.
Yeah. Yeah. Well, I'm getting ready. I'm going to do it myself. What the hell?
My brother's got like, what do you say, eight certifications now?
Okay. We've got to both do it. And then that way we can claim Sealand is land of two douchebags and a microphone.
Yeah.
No, that's what I'm saying. I'm going to get into it. We're going to do this. Yeah.
Man, I, yeah.
That could be our new home.
Yes. Yes. I love it. The possibilities are there.
I'm sorry, assholes, but Kansas City let Des Moines take over.
Yes.
Come on. You're letting us down.
But then again, don't be dogging Kansas City because they're our second market and they're really strong.
I know they are, but they're a long town.
But Des Moines, I don't know how Des Moines figured us out or whatever, but anyhow, we thank them immensely.
Did you take a look at the numbers?
Yeah, I have. And like tomorrow, I'm going to check out that radio station they have to listen to.
I'm going to give my opinion tomorrow night.
Well, everybody hates those two jokers or whatever they call them on the station up there.
So I want to hear it for myself.
Okay.
I'm not going off anybody else's opinion.
I love my own opinion. And then I'll give my opinion on Des Moines radio tomorrow.
Okay. So what are you going to do? Just look for the rock station or the classic rock station?
If I could pick it up. I mean, I got to go through the internet.
Hopefully they'll pick it up to be on the internet like IHART or TuneIn.
I think that they're probably most of them are on the internet.
Most stations are on the internet and do broadcast on the internet.
Oh, because I want to hear these guys. I want to hear what everybody's giving up for us.
Yeah.
They got to be bad, man. They got to be bad.
Yeah. And I mean, it would have to be.
All right. How about if we go into Ace Freely's new album that dropped yesterday?
I have been waiting here and I've not heard it yet. Let's do it.
Okay. It dropped yesterday and I listened to every bit of it yesterday.
And I wrote this out yesterday because I am a huge Ace Freely fan.
And Mick Mars is...
We both are.
Ace Freely's album is 100,000, 10,000 volts.
And Mick Mars dropped his album, his solo album too.
It's called The Other Side of Mars.
And I will have probably...
I will have that review of that up probably not tomorrow because we have so much stuff we got to get to.
Probably next week.
And that would give me a little bit of time to write it out because tomorrow is going to be a busy day.
So anyhow.
So you're getting Ace Freely now and then Mick Mars is the second one.
And the reason Mick Mars is second and Ace Freely took president over is because it's really...
I'm having a really hard time finding all of Mick Mars' songs online right now.
Where Ace Freely's is all in a row.
That they just give it to you with a couple of commercials.
Now Mick Mars I may have to end up ordering his CD. I don't know.
So anyhow. That's what's going on.
So Ace Freely's new album is quality.
Catchy music.
The 80's type of pop-ish rock song.
Back in my arms again.
Is very notable.
I'm going to be interested to see what kind of airplay this gets.
The solo took me back to his classic note bending.
The Les Paul whiny sounds of yesteryear.
Ace's voice is in a lower register but sounds perfect.
Cherry Medicine is another notable song.
Ace is a little older.
Yeah he can't sing in the same register.
But at the same token though.
He sounds great in the lower register. He sings it so well.
Oh good. Good.
I mean this album is very well produced.
And it is presented very well from the artwork to the pictures.
To the way he sings.
To the way he plays his guitar.
His guitar goes back in time.
He's always had that Les Paul whine.
He kind of picks it and lets it whine a little bit.
That's been one of his signature sounds with the note bending.
Well he kind of went back to that a little bit more.
Which I totally agreed with.
Because every time I heard him play a solo.
That was in that type of a format.
It brought me back.
It brought me back to 1978.
And Ace Freely going off on a solo on stage.
I mean it's really good.
And is really thought out of well.
And I think like Ozzy.
He wants to preserve his legacy.
He wants to come out with some...
Yeah I was what? Nine years old?
You know what? However old I was.
I loved Kiss Alive 2.
You would have been 11, 12.
Okay. Yeah you're right.
You were a perfect age to catch him.
Well my older brother bought Kiss Alive 2.
And it was over.
Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I understand that.
I didn't have an older brother.
I didn't catch him until a couple years later.
Yeah don't get me wrong.
I would have caught him.
But my brother kind of brought that along quicker.
So anyhow.
Oh he was good at that.
Oh yes he was.
Yeah. Yeah.
And some things great.
Some things probably not so great.
Depends on who you ask.
Alright.
We're going to leave that one alone.
We're going to set that in the corner.
Because I remember some of the not so great ones.
We're going to leave that one alone.
That's in the corner and we're walking right by it.
Alright.
Love you John.
Yep John.
We always feel that you're a part of this podcast.
Don't we?
He's the one that pulled us together to do this.
I would love to think so.
So John.
Hey let's dedicate this show to John.
You want to do that?
Yeah.
John we love you.
Actually every show I dedicate to John.
You know what?
Same here.
Seriously.
Yep.
John we both love you.
And this is from two brothers.
So.
Anyhow.
Cherry Medicine is another fantastic song.
Oh if John was alive he'd be flipping out over this song.
Or this album.
He would have flipped out over it man.
He'd already been listening to it probably 30 times.
So Cherry Medicine is another fantastic song.
Very different than other songs in his catalog.
Blinded is another great guitar song as well.
Cherry Medicine is really interesting because it's kind of like a.
Kind of like a tongue in cheek sex song.
And it's really kind of innuendoish.
The guitar riff and hook.
I kind of dig it out of the title.
Yeah Cherry Medicine.
And the guitar riff and hook.
I kind of dig that.
The hook is about as good as anything he's ever came up with.
And he's came up with a lot of great hooks in his life.
I'm definitely going to have to listen to it.
You're going to have to.
Blinded like I said a minute ago is another great guitar song as well.
His guitar sound is just so good.
I mean it's not just the way he plays his Gibson Les Paul.
It's the tone that he creates however.
However he turns his amp, his strings, what he uses to pick, how he picks.
I mean all this together makes his special sound.
His signature ace sound.
And he's one of these people that could play anything.
He could play Huey Lewis and the News.
And you know it was Ace playing Huey Lewis and the News, right?
Because of the way he plays.
That sound.
Right, right, right.
That sound that only comes from him, himself, his fingers and his mind.
And this album accentuated that perfect.
His sound.
His signature sound was present over all of it.
10,000 Volts is a great one as well.
Paying homage to his near death electrocution long ago.
He grabbed an ungrounded rail and sent 10,000 Volts into the space man.
But he lived.
I think it blew the world.
True story.
Yeah, true story.
Look it up, Google it.
He made a song out of it.
Yep.
And Stratosphere is an instrumental and it is amazing.
So much feeling.
Tells many stories without a single word.
Bravo, Ace.
I mean come on.
Bravo.
I mean it's Ace Frehley, Star Child.
Yeah, yep.
That would be perfect.
Oh no, he's not Star Child.
I need to listen to it.
Star Child was Paul Stanley.
He's Space Man.
Oh, yeah, good point.
There's still space.
Yeah, yeah.
Space, stars, yeah.
Okay.
You know what I mean.
Okay, no, I was just saying that because that way people look up Star Child to see Paul Stanley.
That's the only reason why I think it's Star Child.
Yeah, yeah, you want to go Paul Stanley.
Good Ace Frehley.
Yeah, he's turned into a bitter, in my opinion, a bitter little twat.
I will be seeing...
Even when he left Kiss, his album hit top of the charts.
Oh, when he hit Frehley's Comet?
Yeah, it sure did.
Yeah, Frehley's Comet.
Yeah, it sure did.
Yeah, Comet.
Yeah, come on.
Okay, I will be seeing this show for the fourth time when he rolls by.
I can guarantee that.
I wish I would have seen him more, but unfortunately, sometimes in there when he was still on the
drug and alcohol tip, he tended to get a little sloppy.
So, there's some of those shows that I missed, but he is sober.
He's been sober for quite a while and doing a great job.
So, here is the song list and in this order.
10,000 Volts is a lead-off song.
Walking on the Moon, second.
Cosmic Heart, third.
Cherry Medicine, fourth.
Back in My Arms Again, fifth, which is a great song too.
Fighting for Life, great song.
Blinded.
Constantly Cute, if there was one song that was good but not quite as good, it would be
that for me.
Life of a Stranger, great song.
Up in the Sky, fantastic.
And Stratosphere, rivals Fractured Mirror, the first.
Can you believe that?
No, I cannot.
Well, I guess I'm going to have to because I believe you.
Okay, yeah, Fractured Mirror was fucking amazeballs.
So, anyhow, okay, that is my review.
That is the song list.
So, Rob, you got something you want to go into?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I do.
All right, the floor is yours.
I'm going to go a totally different direction.
You know how you're normally going into food?
Yes.
I'm going into food tonight, buddy.
Okay.
And I disagreed until I read the whole story.
Okay.
This is weird.
Missouri has so many iconic foods that could be the official state dish of the state.
Do you agree?
Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, there's so many foods in Missouri.
Well, one wouldn't know that unless they visited Missouri.
That is for sure.
Right, right, right.
This goes to the ones that live in Missouri.
You're saying I believe this.
This is something I did not know.
Okay.
But you'll never guess what dish lawmakers want to become the official state dish of the Show Me! state.
Oh, wow.
Politicians don't get us.
According to an article from KSDK, lawmakers want to make cashew chicken the official state of Missouri.
Okay.
And this goes on.
It explains it.
Well, it originated in Springfield, Missouri.
Huh?
Springfield, Missouri is the home of cashew chicken.
Okay, you're right.
Sorry, go ahead.
Sorry.
Not barbecue ribs, not fried ravioli, not pulled pork, but cashew chicken.
Why?
Cashew chicken is selected for and shall be known as the official dish for the state of Missouri.
The text of HB 1624 reads, the dish was invented sometime around 1963 by David Leung, a Chinese immigrant.
A U.S. Army veteran who fought on D-Day in World War II during the congressional records.
After war, Leung moved to Springfield with his wife and three children.
When they opened Leung's tea house, eventually invented Springfield, cashew chicken is a way to entice Americans who didn't have experience in traditional Chinese cuisine.
Um, real quick, I want to interject.
So cashew chicken came from Missouri.
This type, okay Rob, this is what I was getting at.
I didn't mean to spoil anything and I'm sorry.
But this is what I'm getting at.
Okay, there's two types of cashew chicken.
The type that's in Springfield and then there's what the rest of the world is accustomed to, or at least to the rest of America.
The stuff in Springfield, Missouri has a brown sauce.
No other cashew chicken does.
It's a different cashew chicken that was originated in Springfield, Missouri.
As a matter of fact, I know a guy that says he invented it and it wasn't the other guy.
I'm not kidding.
Okay, well, this story does not go into that.
No, it's not going to.
It's not going to.
Thank you.
It's not going to go into that, of course.
But if you do a little digging, you'll see exactly.
I actually am really well versed in this whole story.
Because I know the guy, he's really old, but he said he invented it.
He was the first one and the guy you're talking about is the one that went down the road and opened up a place and claimed that he invented it.
In 1963?
Yes.
And I don't know what's right.
I don't know who's lying or whatever.
I don't have any idea.
I just know the guy that counterclaims that and says he came up with it.
Well, either way, it sounds like it came from Missouri.
It did come from Missouri.
It's either one or the other guys, I'm sure.
But I would argue with that whole thing.
Okay, well, like I said, I just ran across this article.
Burned ends.
I thought it was interesting because I thought cashew chicken started out in China.
No, it started out here in our own state, Missouri.
This form of it didn't start in China.
This is a different form of it.
And it was probably regional is what it is.
It may have started in China, but regional because there's different types of cashew chicken that are more common that don't have that brown sauce.
See what I'm saying?
So, anyhow, actually, I think the burnt end should be Missouri state food.
And the reason is is the burnt end was definitely invented in Missouri.
Oh, I agree. I agree.
Yeah. It was definitely invented in Missouri.
It was well-developed.
Through the barbecue, through the fried ravioli, which is a Missouri state food.
Yeah, because most other places...
Cashew chicken. I would not have thought it.
That's what caught my eye. Cashew chicken? What?
So all the years you're reading this article, all the years you look down there,
you've never seen a sign that said, real Springfield cashew chicken?
Dude.
Yeah?
We have one Chinese restaurant here in Canton.
Oh, I'm talking about Springfield.
Springfield, they have billboards.
Go here, get your real Springfield...
I don't get down there.
Oh, okay. All right. Forget it.
That's an hour and a half, two hours from me.
Okay. All right. Forget it.
I'm here in the boonies, dude. I'm stuck.
Oh, you're quite a bit more East and all that, so I get it.
I'm stuck.
Okay.
I'm Northeast from Springfield.
Northeast, that's what I thought. Yep.
Okay. Let's take our second break and I'm going to come back with an interesting story.
That sound good?
Sounds great.
All right. We'll talk to you in a minute.
All right. Good.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee-slapper. It's strange insults from an alien. Real hilarity.
May, your five-year-old neighbor have all their violin lessons during all of your hangovers.
And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark.
You know what would be really cool?
If George Gray of The Price is Right was talking about a 20-ounce bag of fish sticks and actually said a 20-ounce bag of fish sticks.
Yeah, that would be funny.
Next up, Things Overheard in Hell.
Man, Axel Rose is such a great childhood therapist.
I hope he writes more books.
Brick Shithouse Energy Drink.
That's right. Brick Shithouse Energy Drink.
Make men feel like a girl.
She wants to have balls.
You want to fuck shit up?
You want to force them across America?
Brick Shithouse is for you.
Please enjoy Brick Shithouse Energy Drink responsibly. It's not readily available anywhere.
Because of liability issues.
The boll weevil clap.
Read up on that sometime.
The boll weevil clap and this old guy that I knew that was in Vietnam.
I probably should say, well you know what? You can take this part out of here.
If you like it.
And we can put it somewhere. But this old guy that I knew down the road from me.
That was in Vietnam. He told me that one day, you know him and a couple of guys.
Got a day off from the war.
So they went into the nearest town to go look for some hookers.
You know, they're like, you know, if we're going to die, we're going to get laid.
So, okay, alright.
So they go in there and I guess the Viet Cong loaded the prostitutes full of stuff called the boll weevil clap.
Yeah.
Oh, it is.
So anyhow, he said, you know, they all went and, you know, did what they needed to do.
You know, they thought they were all going to die.
So they went and they got laid.
And the next day when a guy comes in, he goes, oh my god.
I hurt so bad. You know, my fucking dick hurts like hell.
My stomach hurts. I think I'm going to die.
What did they do with those damn hookers?
So anyhow, and he started hurting really bad.
He said it hurts so bad you could hardly breathe.
You could feel it in your dick shaft. It hurts so bad.
So they all go in and I guess it's like a horrible infection.
And if you don't get it treated, it will kill you.
Like, you know, go up your scrotum and into your testicles.
And anyhow, the only cure back then was they had to take this glass rod,
shove it in the end of your penis and mash it with a rubber mallet.
And then they have to physically squeeze all the infection out of your penis.
I've heard of this.
Yes, and this took like four hours of mashing this rod
and then squeezing all the infection out.
Because if they don't get all the infection out right then...
It flares right back up.
Yes.
Seals your pee-pee shut.
Yes.
Yeah, that was the old joke of, you know, oh, there's, you know,
if you catch VD, your dick's going to turn black and fall off.
But there are actually...
That was worst case scenario.
Yeah, it actually will turn black and fall off because the tissue will die.
Yeah, it's kind of like a grand, again, green type of deal, you know,
or something like that.
So anyhow, yeah, he said after that, he said, no, no more hookers.
So...
Hey, where do they go?
Where are the douchebags?
Oh my God, someone took a dump in the corner.
Oh, geez.
Ugh, I'm glad they're gone.
Let's just hope they don't come back.
Man, that smells.