Live from the historic river market in downtown Kansas City, Missouri, from the crystal blue waters of the Missouri River, it's Two Douchebags and a Microphone Podcast.
And now it's time for the Daily Douchebag Pledge.
Two Douchebags and a Microphone Pledge, I, Joe, or Jane listener, hereby promise to download every show.
I, Joe, or Jane listener, hereby promise to grab family members phones and download the show from there.
I, Joe, or Jane listener, hereby promise to go to public computers and download the show from there.
I, Joe, or Jane listener, hereby promise to laugh at all the unfunny jokes.
I, Joe, or Jane listener, hereby promise to lie to all my friends and tell them how good the show is.
And finally, I, Joe, or Jane listener, promise to visit Montrose, Missouri to take advantage of the power plant, campgrounds, and junkyard all within its quarter mile radius.
The apocalypse just happened. You don't know what to do. You don't know where to go. But we can tell you what you can eat.
Dirt and apocalypse, don't forget the nuts. Hickory nuts that is.
Yeah, we know, Hickory wood gets all the glory and all the love. Everyone loves the Hickory trees. They cut them down and they make great sandwiches out of barbecue and meats. They smoke them and it's a fantastic deal.
But little does anyone know about the Hickory nuts. Dirt and apocalypse Hickory nuts could be the best thing you can find.
Hickory nuts can be eaten raw, toasted, or added to various recipes. Their rich buttery flavor and crunchy texture make them an ideal ingredient for both sweet and savory dishes.
You can use Hickory nuts to make nut butter, pesto, or even a unique Hickory nut milk.
There are five types of Hickory nuts.
Bitter nut Hickory, shag bark Hickory, pig nut Hickory, mockernut Hickory, and smooth bark Hickory. Hickory trees are considered part of the walnut species and are plentiful at least around Missouri and surrounding areas.
So, Dirt and Apocalypse, don't forget to grab your nuts.
This is a voice guide from your favorite podcast, Two Douchebags in a Microphone.
People often ask us how they can find us when doing a remote broadcast.
1. Smell. Go to the city market and start sniffing.
Our aroma has been described as a mixture of flea powder for goats, Tabasco sauce, and old sock with dark fuzzy urine.
2. Look for the spot absent of patrons.
3. The most telling sign is a crowd of patrons vomiting uncontrollably.
4. Just call us at 816-512-7717.
Do you have two douchebags in a microphone, raw and uncensored? See behind the smug show. Watch as the douchebags get stung by its walking bees. Enjoy one of many coffee houses ordering our heroes out. Watch Mark revisit Clinton, Missouri to claim his innocence for all the mad shitter accusations.
We have DVD sets and a free douchebag calendar. Mark off the day with a douchebag looking at you. Supplies are limited, so act now.
I've got something for you here. Sorry, I am a little sick, like I said. I'm a little sickly tonight. I've got something for you.
I'm not being sick, so I'm on a roll.
No, I did not.
It's like they did Kelsey. I've got a shirt right here. The same thing as the Rock said.
Yeah, Jibroni's. Know your role, Jibroni. That's what he told the Cincinnati mayor. The mayor mouted off. It was a very famous moment and it was funny because we just beat them and was going to the Super Bowl.
They mic'd up George Kettle. And anyhow, Karloftas stripped their player. I think it was, let me see if I can find it here. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to go into this, but I just wanted to ask you this before I forgot about it.
No, no, no. You're like me. You pull up one story and then you touch one button.
Oh, it was McCaffrey. It was McCaffrey. Okay, so on the 49ers opening drive of the Super Bowl, running back Christian McCaffrey fumbled the ball away to the Kansas City Chiefs.
Chiefs linebacker Leo Channell forced the ball free while defensive end George Karloftas recovered it during the play. Kettle blocked Karloftas, but after sending aside the defender, decided to have some fun.
Hey, George, the 49ers star joked and knowledge of the two had the same first name.
With his back turn, Kettle failed to realize McCaffrey dropped the ball, but Karloftas, who never replied to the tight end, instantly turned around, jumping on the ball for the game change and recovery.
In the newly released mic'd up footage, NFL fans blamed the 49ers' 25-22 Super Bowl loss on Kettle and his shenanigans.
Too busy he's trying to get mic'd up to recover the fumble. That's crazy, one wrote.
I think that he is getting some... Okay, all of them, all of them deserve a piece of this loss. And all of them earned a piece of this loss, agreed?
Yeah.
It wasn't one person. Okay, the blocked extra point, let me go into this one more time, the blocked extra point was three inches away from going through and being a completely different game.
Harrison Buckhurst's 57-yard kick was a low kick, it was three inches away from being blocked. Okay? So, those two things right there could have been different.
It doesn't matter if Kettle saw the ball or not. Karloftas was right there to retrieve it, and it's just misplaced anger and sadness is what it is.
Get off Kettle's ass, you know how many games Kettle's won for you guys? I mean really, Kettle has won a lot of games for you guys, he brings it, he's a great tight end, he might be in the Hall of Fame too at one point.
Yeah, I honestly believe he should go to Hall of Fame, he's a good player. He's a really good player. I like Kettle. I just wish he played for Kansas City.
Well, I mean we already have Travis Kelsey, oh jeez can you imagine, two tight ends like that, oh man.
That's what I'm saying, we'd be unstoppable.
Or you could trade him for a really good player.
Well, we can't lie, we're going for a three-peat.
There we go, yes.
We might be unstoppable.
Well, we'll see next year.
Don't you think Rob, that this criticism is unjust? Because everybody could have played better, or how about the coin flip?
Oh exactly, I mean.
The coin flip where they took the ball first, a lot of people consider it insane, because you're going to give the ball to our offense, with Patrick Mahomes last.
So when the Chiefs held him to three, you could feel it, the momentum just went completely.
Yeah, I mean yeah, yeah, yeah, stupid.
It was in the air, everybody knew that Patrick Mahomes was going to find a way to get it done. It was done.
People were like, here we go, he's going to do it again, just like he did 13 seconds in Buffalo, just like he did to the Philadelphia Eagles the year before in the Super Bowl.
Here it goes, he's going to do it again.
So I understand Shanahan, his idea of the defense being gassed.
I understand, yeah, I understand.
And I also thought that there was little of this, although he didn't quite say this, but I think Shanahan thought that our defense was gassed and they were going to be able to ramrod it.
And then another thing is, they were running fine. There were no time limits on the game when it went into overtime.
I don't understand why they didn't try to run it more with McCaffrey, unless they thought he was going to fumble again, I don't know.
So anyhow, I just think that this criticism of Kittle is unjust, and I just wanted to bring that up and talk about it.
But like we're getting towards the end of this podcast, you got anything that you want to add, Rob?
You got a story that you want to talk about or anything?
Yeah.
All right, Rob, go forth.
This is one I came up with while we were on vacation.
Okay.
But then I just read more about it.
Okay.
Okay, you remember, and this is an update on the story.
Okay.
You remember how you were talking about the college student that started doing, what do you call it?
You come up with information, and he starts saying Taylor Swift's jets caused the most emissions impact on the earth.
Right.
It's her green thumbprint.
Well, if anybody's following this, Taylor Swift's arguing with him. They're going to court.
I know, I know, and I like Taylor Swift, but I find that ridiculous.
Okay.
Taylor Swift has sold one of her private jets for $40 million.
Wow.
What kind was it?
The Foxit Sensation sold her the Salt Falcon 900LX on January 30th to Missouri-based car insurance company, Car Shield.
Really?
Car Shield?
Missouri-based Car Shield bought her jet.
That's pretty interesting.
Swift reportedly purchased the jet for $40 million in 2011, but the flight is now estimated to be worth $7 million secondhand.
Wow.
Do you think some of that is the fact that it was Taylor Swift's old jet?
No, here's the thing.
Okay.
And if you listen to me, this song's celebrities on Fox News. Go read it.
Okay.
No, they go into the emissions, everything you got into.
Well, it just so happens that after you made your report that this college student called her out on, she sells this jet.
Oh.
Oh, okay.
Okay, I'm getting it out.
But it's kind of weird how it was sold to Missouri-based car insurance company, Car Shield.
Yeah.
Now that she's one of her addresses, it's Kansas City, Missouri.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, she's trying to weasel her way out of it, but no, there's lawsuits coming.
No, I have, there's a bunch more reports. This ain't stopping yet.
Good.
This dude ain't giving up.
I think it's funny, man, because look, I like Taylor Swift and she's great for Menopel, but she's awful preachy.
She's preaching about emissions and shit, but yet she owns quite a few planes in here.
I know, I know. It's just like Roger Waters is one of the biggest preachiest assholes around.
Right, right.
And that guy's stage show is so enormous.
I've got nowhere I agree with you on that.
I can't stand Roger Waters. Like I've said for many years now, Roger Waters, if you really love America, shut the fuck up and pay up the national debt with your large bank account that you made here in America.
I love your music, though.
Your music's excellent, but you're an asshole.
But if you want to back America, back it.
No wonder David Gilmore wants nothing to do with you. You're a miserable piece of crap in America.
Right, I agree with you.
Yeah, I don't blame you.
David Gilmore would write a check for America.
Eh, he's kind of a surly bastard, too, but not as surly as Roger Waters.
All of Pink Floyd's a surly bastard.
He would write a check for Roger Waters.
The parts of Pink Floyd that are still alive are all surly bastards, but I think David Gilmore's not quite as surly as Roger Waters.
And maybe you're right, maybe he would write a check for America.
Yeah, I think David Gilmore would.
Right, you know what? I'm going to go ahead and think.
Oh, come on. David Gilmore was on, uh, what was that song back in the 80s?
Um, would Pink Floyd or what?
The World Peace Sang, you know.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Real World?
Yeah, it was an aid for starving children in Africa.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We are the world. Yeah, we are the world.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right. He was there.
David Gilmore was on there.
You know what? You're right. David Gilmore was.
Hang on, actually, I got his number. Hang on a second. Let me give him a call real quick, Rob.
Okay, just hang out right there. And I'm going to ask him, okay? Hang on.
Get him on here. I want to hear this. I'd love to talk to David. It's been a while.
Hello? Who the fuck is this?
Uh, this is, uh, Two Dishbanks Microphone on Mark. Oh, yeah, I love your show. I was just listening to the last podcast.
And I'm Rob. I'm here, too.
Oh, hey, Rob. I love you, man.
Oh, yeah, I love you, too, man. You've been a big part of my music history.
I was just looking at your underground bunker in Camden, Missouri. I was wondering if next time I'm running by that area, if I could come by and tell you a look.
Oh, I'd love for you to.
Well, hey, Mr. Gilmore, I got a question for you here real quick. This is why we called you.
Well, you know, we were saying, you know, Roger Waters. Oh, fuck that guy. He's a piece of shit.
Well, yeah, we know this.
We understand. We understand.
He would not write a check for America and Panther Nation or that, would you?
Oh, hell yeah. Let me get a pen. How much you need?
Three hundred trillion.
What?
OK, I'll scratch it out.
Yeah, yeah, we don't want to sound like everybody.
Look, David Gilmore, go ahead and go back to what you're doing. We'll talk about this whole check thing later, OK?
You're welcome, America. We just paid up the debt with David Gilmore. Thank you. Allegedly.
Thank you, David, for coming on our show.
Yep, he just hung up.
All right. Yep. And if that was cheesy, I don't care.
You know what? You're getting your money's worth, guys. If that was cheesy and it didn't sound good because we have no budget, that's too bad.
Right?
That's all we're recording because that was actually David Gilmore.
It was. Absolutely. We would not lie to you.
Oh, yeah, we would. Yeah, we lied to you all the time.
Well, we'll put it this way. OK, how about we start something new?
OK. What's that?
Actually, this was your idea before you went on your cruise.
Oh, OK.
If any of our fans think we're lying to you, telling you fake stories or whatever, email us. Email us.
Oh, that's right. Yes. Thank you, Rob. I want to read it out.
You're the one who came up with it.
Yeah. Every now and then.
I got it better during your cruise you forgot about it.
I did. I did. OK. Every now and then, Rob and I are going to...
Anytime. Anytime.
We're going to produce a fake story. And it's up to you guys to figure out which one it is. And we want you to call bullshit on us.
OK. Now here's the thing. It could be... it could sound like a story we're reading off the Internet.
Yes. Or it could be one of our personal stories like back in the day type shit.
Yes. And it's up to you to figure out.
You said we're calling bullshit? Email. We want to know if people are listening.
And we also want to know the angle. Did we make it up? Is it a story that Rob and I participated in back a long time ago? Or is it true?
Did we do it or did we not?
Yeah. And I'll go a step further. You guys can win...
Or is the story true or not?
You know what I'm going to give people if they come out with... if they participate? I'm going to give them a free bag of pencil shavings, Rob.
A bag of pencil shavings.
Well, I'll tell you what. As much homework as I've had to do off for this show, I have a pretty good storage of pencil shavings all pinched in.
For a show with no budget, you know what, man? Pencil shavings is a great gift.
Yeah, I mean, I can't afford pen. I have a pencil. I got to...
We were giving out bags of air.
I got to say, I put it in my pocket and I just sharpened my pencil.
You know, bags of air, we're giving out bags of air, but people, I mean, they just didn't respond to it very well. So we're going to go ahead and go with pencil shavings.
Because we want you guys to really earn this. You guys went pencil shavings, we know that you earned it, right?
So from here on out, anybody who wants to call bullshit on any of our stories, wish there will be one here and there.
Yes. Let's put a ground rule of one a week. So every four shows, there will be one bullshit story in every four shows. Does that sound about right?
And it could be Mark, it could be me. You never know.
And you guys figured it out?
I like this. I like this.
I do too. DoucheB66 at Yahoo.com and everybody that's emailed me, I'm going to get back to you. We're going to... the stuff that's on air, we'll put that on air, the stuff that you want on air.
The guys over there in Montrose, we're going to get to you.
Oh, my buddy in Montrose. Come on, man.
Des Moines, we took a little break, man.
Des Moines, we cannot keep up with you.
Yeah. Look, I think it's fucking fantastic. You guys love us so much.
Dude, I look today. Wow.
I know. And you ought to see all these emails I got from there.
Oh, shit. Yeah, we got to hear them. I got to hear some.
You have to send some up to me.
I'll tell you what. Yeah.
On my private email.
I'll take the top three and send them to you.
That way I can help you out with them.
Yeah, we can do that. But they're not happy because we took a week off.
Well, actually more than a week off. And anyhow, it's nothing personal.
We just needed a break. And if there's any...
Sorry, guys, man. When you work 40 hours a week and you do this four nights a week...
That happens.
It is a time.
And also, another thing is this right here.
It is a time of life with the kids and, you know...
And all that stuff. Yeah. The thing is, I was trying to figure out a way to podcast from the boat.
I know you tried your best, buddy. You did.
But the equipment that I have to use is this big laptop, these huge microphones, earphones.
Yeah, we're already at capacity with all our luggage.
We tried. We did everything we could to try to get this to work.
But there's no feasible way without like...
I mean, number one, I don't like carrying a couple of big cases of suitcase and a carry-on bag and all that.
I like to travel as light as I can. I like to grab and go.
Hit my shed, hit the Uber or hit the Express and go.
So there's no really logical way to do it. No easy way to do it.
The only way is like with all the heavy equipment and it just couldn't be done.
So the original plan was if we could figure out a way to do it on my cell phone,
because my friend Mark does his podcast on his cell phone, that sounds fine.
But he doesn't have anyone call in. So I'm having Rob call in.
But dude, did I add in thousands of luggage?
Well, yeah, that's what I'm saying is it just wasn't feasible.
Yeah, yeah, it was too much.
So here's what happened. I understand that.
Here's what happened. I recorded podcasts, we did the tests before the show.
Yeah. It would record me, but not Rob.
So it just couldn't be done.
I'd be sitting there and you'd hear me say something and laugh at something Rob said.
Nothing, nothing, nothing. And then I'd be like, yeah, but then the monkey came over and bit me on the asshole.
And then nothing, nothing, nothing. And then, oh yeah, I knew you were going to say that.
And honestly, when he told me that, I believed it. I laughed my ass off.
That's true. He believed the monkey bit my asshole.
Yeah, I believed it.
Yep. Yep. It was just like this guy I used to work with.
I used to torture him with like crazy stories.
He was an old man named Bill. He was a nice guy.
And anyhow, he used to come over there and like make fun of me all the time.
And he'd find something to like to start accentuate on, you know.
Like one time I kind of shaved a little bit of my goatee off.
I nicked it and it looked horrible.
And he'd come over there and go, hey fumble fingers, you stupid ass.
Why don't you shave the whole fucking thing off?
Because I look 10? Hey, look at that stupid ass. You can't even shave a goatee.
Yo, he's just fucking with me.
So I go, Bill, you're on your way home tonight, right?
And you're on a Bruce Walken 71, you know, 71 highway through the city, right?
Bruce Walken's? Yep. Okay.
49. 49. Well.
No, no. Bruce Walken is 71.
Yes. It's not 49 highway. It's not I-49 yet.
That's through the city for us.
Yes. And a gorilla escaped from the Kansas City Zoo, not very far away from that area there.
And while you're stopping at the stoplight, the gorilla notices you and it falls in love with you.
He runs over there and he smashes out your window and it grabs you.
It takes you to a vacant house and continually rapes you for 10 hours while they can't find you.
I'd fall in love with him. I'd say it. I'd fall in love with him. I love gorillas.
Then they come over there to save you and every time they shoot the gorilla to try to knock him out, all it does is piss him off and he fucks you harder.
This goes on for three days until they finally get that boy from you.
I don't know why I'm saying this. It sounds fun.
Oh, I used to come up, I had so much more that I added to it and every day I would come up with more shit and then the ape did this and then the ape put a dress on you.
And finally he goes, my God, Mark, just stop. Just stop. I'll shut up. I won't make fun of you anymore. Stop with the ape stuff.
I'm sorry. I just had to put you up. Pause. I was laughing too hard.
And also this is the same guy that I played the trick on, the K-Polk. K-Polka.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
This old guy that I worked with, he went out and he bought one of these new mini bands and I had one of those new Nokia smartphones in the late 90s, right?
Which, to know this story, you're going to have to go back and listen to a lot of old ones.
It's been a while since Mark has brought this story up.
I'm going to go ahead and do it since we started it anyhow.
I'll try to be quick on it.
You can't beat polka music, man.
So anyhow, he bought this new mini-band and I had this new Nokia smartphone that you could get on the internet, but it was very primitive.
You didn't have the same smartphones that we do now.
And anyhow, he kept telling me to pair it with Bluetooth audio.
I'm like, what the hell?
Me and him used to park next to each other in the parking lot underneath this tree.
And so I'm answering a call and he went out to get into his trunk and I heard my voice go over his speaker.
I'm like, oh shit, I just paired up with his.
So I shut it off real quick.
I'm like, huh, what can I do?
So then every time that he went to listen to radio, I would interrupt it with this because I found out that I was connected to his Bluetooth.
My car didn't have Bluetooth enabled, but his new mini-band was Bluetooth enabled.
It was one of the very first Chrysler's that did that.
And so every time it would connect in the parking lot, I would put on this station that I found previous a couple of days before called K-Polka.
It was nothing but polka music.
So he would be sitting over there and he'd be getting ready to listen to country music.
He loved country music, you know, and he always wore like a big 10 gallon hat and all that stuff.
You know, he concerned himself somewhat of a cowboy.
And so he's over there and all of a sudden polka would interrupt his country music and he gets so fucking mad.
What the hell? Where's this shit coming from?
And I'd be like, I don't know, man.
Wow. Let me turn on my radio.
It's working fine. I don't know.
And I talked to him, hey, how's your radio? Is your radio working good?
Yeah, my radio's fine.
So anyhow, so he's over there just like scratching his head. Well, what the fuck?
So anyhow, to even get him even better, one day I had to go to the doctor's office and I was, I showed up late to work and we had this auxiliary parking lot across the road.
So I pull in there and like, oh shit, I'm not going to be able to get him today.
So when I get to the auxiliary parking lot, lunch was just, everyone just went out on lunch.
So I'm like, well, okay, I guess in another half hour and wait for lunch to be over and then I'll time in.
So all of a sudden it says connected to audio. I'm like, oh cool.
So he had no idea I had nothing to do with it because I was over to the other parking lot and it connected to it and I turned it on K-Polka again.
And so I hear him over there screaming and shaking his head.
So the next day I go, man, yeah, I saw the news last night.
There's a recall on your particular van over there. Something about, you know, something about it connects to like some sort of an internet station or something.
Fuck. Okay. Thanks, man. Thanks for letting me know.
So he goes into the dealer and raises hell with him and they're all like thinking he's insane.
They're like, get out of here, you idiot. You're completely wrong. There's no recall.
No, no, no, is on the news. There's a recall and you guys just don't want to fix it.
Like there's no recall. Get the fuck out of here.
And I think they ended up like calling a restraining order on him or something.
So anyhow, if it wasn't a restraining order, it was like very, it was worded very, very loudly.
Like, you know, don't come here again. Leave us the hell alone. You know, that kind of thing.
So, so one night I even tested it because he lived in the little town that I lived in to Cleveland, Missouri.
Only he lived on the other side of it and I lived in town.
So I followed him home all the way down Holmes Road.
Oh my God.
Just far enough behind him to where it would keep connected to it because I, one time it would say disconnected.
Then I get a little closer. It will connect again.
And I was always behind him. So he didn't think anything of it.
So a couple of times around June dawn and a couple of areas it disconnected for a little bit, but then it would connect again.
So anyhow, he goes, yeah. He goes, damn it. Now it's getting to where I can't even go home and that shit's going on.
I'm like, really? It played all the way home? Yeah. Fucking tired of this shit.
So anyhow, one day he comes up with.
Playing polka.
Yes. Playing polka.
Dude, you could have picked a better music.
Oh, I just happened to find that internet station a couple of weeks or a couple of days before.
Yeah, it'd been awesome.
And as soon as I heard it connect and I found out that it was, it was connected to his car, there's no question.
It had to be K-Polka. So anyhow, he ended up trading his car and he was so frustrated over the polka situation.
That one was not Bluetooth enabled.
Not Bluetooth enabled. And he has passed on since then. So I feel horrible about my war crimes.
And I've repented and I feel horrible. And in the great beyond, Bill, don't hate me. It was a great trick.
I think in heaven you can even say, Mark, I gotta give it to you.
No. Okay, my opinion.
Yeah.
I don't even know the guy.
Yeah.
But knowing you, like I do, I'm sure he enjoyed it.
I'm sure he's on a cloud somewhere right now, Chuck.
Yeah, don't feel bad about it. In the long run, he knows it was you. He enjoyed it. He enjoyed the prank.
He's gonna go like he tipped his hat down and go, Mark, you're a little stinker, that's for sure.
You really got me a good one with that one, boy. You're such an egg.
Yeah, I mean, you like a prank like you pull him out of the driver's seat and beat the fuck out of him.
No, no, this is a prank just to be...
But he was fucking with the music. I'm sure he loved it.
Anyhow, when I went over this with Toefer, the original trick, and I talked about it, I can't do it here because of the dynamics, but I actually played K-Polka. It's actually still on the internet. It plays all polka music 24 hours, 7 days a week.
Is it really?
Yes. It's a great station to piss someone off to, I can tell you that.
Imagine hearing that, Chuck.
Hey, hey, hey, that's word for future programs here.
Actually, I've got an idea I could do with that, and we'll see if it works.
Yeah, we may come up with something there.
Rob, I'll tell you off air what I plan on doing.
Yeah.
Oh, I think this is gonna be a good one.
I can read your mind already, brother.
Yep. You are correct. All right, everybody, we're like way, way over.
Here's what I'm gonna find out.
Okay.
Everybody at my shop has their own Bluetooth.
Uh-huh. Oh, okay.
I wanna figure out how to get polka throughout the shop. I think that'd be hilarious.
That would be, dude.
I mean, we got people who listen to Howard Stern, and we got people that listen to this music, that music.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, everybody, yeah. Pull your shit up.
Polka?
Connect to all of them and put them up there.
Here's what you do. Connect to them.
And they would not know where it came from.
If your intercom is Bluetooth enabled.
Now they will.
If your intercom is Bluetooth enabled, do it like that.
No, no, it's not an intercom. It's everybody individually.
Okay. All right.
So we would have to interrupt everybody's service to do it.
That would be great.
Yeah, see, that'd be hard. That's the hard part. But it'd be great.
Hey, I'll tell you what, just do it individually.
Get polka music throughout the shop, all that.
Do it individually.
Just to screw people.
Oh, hell yeah.
Actually, I think I'll play it supervisor, probably like it.
He might. You never know.
He might. He needs probably to wait.
Um, I've got a little story here you care if I cover really quick.
A guy that got fired on his first day for clogging the company toilet with his turret.
Oh, there it is. Oh, this sounds awesome.
Oh, it is.
Um, all was going well, but I offered coffee earlier and of course accepted it because I love free stuff.
He wrote, the coffee was so, so good and I drank it down really fast.
So, of course, coffee did what coffee does.
And before I knew it, I had to use the bathroom, their bathroom.
The man admitted that he was able to let it all out and that there was a lot of excess in his system that morning.
It took a lot of toilet paper for me to get my ass cleaned too, he wrote.
After he washed his hands and admired the really nice bathroom, he returned to his desk to finish the paperwork.
The forgetful man sadly did not remember to flush the toilet and that's when things appeared to have gone wrong.
A female employee walked into the bathroom and found the OP's excrement in the toilet.
And, anyhow, sorry here.
And, locked the door and I heard the sound of a flush from the toilet and she tried to get rid of it so that she could go.
But I didn't hear the toilet bowl clear. I only heard the bowl fill up with water, he wrote.
The woman was not happy and told her boss that she discovered it when she discovered it in the bathroom.
I was the only new person in the building so of course everyone knew it was me, the OP wrote.
I wrote, I tried to just pretend like I was on my computer the whole time and they didn't yell at me or anything, they just dealt with it.
The employees managed to find a plunger but according to the OP, a lot of toilet water had gone all over the bathroom floor.
After the man finished his paperwork, he gave it to the boss who was not very friendly towards him.
I finished my paperwork but I never heard back from them or even after I tried to follow up, they almost knew I wrote.
He has since blamed the coffee after being distracted by the nice bathroom with a sliding oak door.
Other Reddit users have similarly dissed him and one person asked if he was an animal since he pooped at his job interview.
So basically, without going into some more of it and all that stuff, this guy was in a job interview, he was a prospective candidate.
They were going to have him work for a little bit and see if he fit in nice and see if they liked his work.
In the interim, he got free coffee and he had to take a dump and I guess it was a huge dump and there was no plunger.
He forgot to flush it anyhow because he got distracted by the nice bathroom.
So when he went out, the female employee went in there to use the bathroom only to find this big stink log covering the toilet.
So she tries to flush it without a plunger and it starts going all over the floor and the stink log is bubbling up and the corn back rattler is flying at her and stuff.
So she's freaked out. So anyhow, they found a plunger, they had to clean the bathroom, they had to chomp up the shit, I'm sure, and plunger it down.
By that time, they were pretty fucking pissed off because the shitter was sitting there and they had to clean the toilet because of what he left.
So anyhow, he tried to act like he didn't do it and they knew he did good. He was the new guy there and he wasn't hired yet.
Then when he got back to him, no one called him back so he was pretty much not hired because he clogged the toilet.
While we're on shit, let me tell the Clinton mad shitter story real quick. Do you want me to go into that?
Well, yeah, go ahead, but I guess we're going to run to overtime.
Hell yeah, man. Are you okay?
Well, just so everybody knows, I was sick last night. We did not podcast last night.
You might be trying to make up some tonight. We're on overtime now.
We're way on overtime so let's just go ahead and roll with it just a little bit longer.
Let's do both in one.
Anyhow, you're welcome, America. Sorry, Rob, I didn't mean for this to happen.
No, no, actually you're good. I'm good time-wise. We're good.
Okay, so we're into shit stories so a lot of people that have not listened to the podcast previously.
In Clinton, Missouri, I am the mad shitter.
Yeah, yeah, you're good. The shit stories, I got something about Robin from Batman.
Oh, okay, cool. All right. So many years ago, 1995-ish, I had sleep apnea and I had the surgery.
And I went back, did the sleep study. Congratulations, Mark, you're cured.
The Apria Healthcare called me up and said, hey, your insurance said that the operation was a success.
Bring the machine back to us or we're going to start charging you per day in some huge amount.
All right, well, I'll bring it in right now. Okay, where do I go? Oh, we're in Clinton, Missouri.
What? I got to go all the way there? It's over an hour away.
Well, unfortunately, since you're on the south side of town, we are the people that service your area.
So, okay, fuck. So how long are you open till? Oh, five. Okay, all right. I can make it there before five.
So I grabbed the CPAP machine, one of those old big ones, and I ran it down there, no problem.
And on my way out, you know, Clinton was over an hour away back then because 7 Highway was 55 mile an hour.
So anyhow, at the edge of town, there was a... Wow, this town was 80.
It's, yeah, everybody thought it was 80, including me. That was in my younger days. Same here.
I had a few tickets, so I had to go 55, to be honest.
So anyhow, I'm on my way back, and the last station before you hit 71 and then eventually Harrisonville,
only one on 7 Highway is this subway slash Phillips 66, and it's the last one. Everybody knows it.
I stop there, I'm like, yeah, I'm gonna get a 7 up, take a piss.
So I go into the bathroom, and it's someone, I had a nurse friend tell me that it's done with a colostomy bag.
It was like liquid shit was all over the wall. And I went in there, and I'm about ready to vomit.
It's so bad. I'm pissing so fast, it's hurting me. I'm like trying to piss as fast as I can because I'm dry heaving,
and I'm about to pass out, it smells so bad. And then just as I'm like, I'm getting piss all over me.
I got piss all over me. I'm like, I gotta get out of here, fuck this.
So, anyhow, I get done really quick, and I'm zipping up, or I'm getting ready to zip up, and this old man comes in.
I caught him, I caught him, I caught the man's shitter, and he's pointing at the wall, and I'm like, what?
I go, dude, I just got in here. I ain't shit all over anything. I just pissed, man.
And he's like following me behind me, chirping, I got the man's shitter, I got the man's shitter.
I'm like, I'm not the man's shitter. I didn't do it, man. I just walked in here.
Yeah, I just wanted to do an early promo.
Yeah, I said, look, man.
I said, look, I just walked in here, man. Didn't you guys see me just walk in here?
No one would back me up, I think, because he was the owner, and they're afraid to.
And anyhow, so like I'm getting my 7-Up, and I go over there, and I'm like, man, I'm still, I'm going to get my fucking 7-Up, because I'm thirsty.
So I get my 7-Up.
Was he an owner, or was he an old thug?
I think he was the owner, by the way, or may have acted.
So all the people in the subway are looking at me like I'm the mad shitter, and I go up to the counter, and I'm like, here's your money.
And I go, oh, look here, I go, I'm not the mad shitter, and she goes, sure you're not.
She didn't believe me either. They all think I'm the mad shitter.
And I didn't do it. To this day, I'm probably known as the mad shitter of Clinton, Missouri.
And dude, I'm going to have to come up to you, it's not just you.
It's not just you. I mean, I'm going to have to come up with some of my old stories of shit that I got blamed on me, I didn't do.
Yeah, you're going to have to. This will be a great segment.
Yeah, I'm going to have to. I'll come up with one just to match the mad shitter.
I don't know, mad shitter's good.
It would only happen to me, Rob. Only to me.
I don't know if there's a few people it could happen to, but it just happened to happen to you.
I expected nothing else, honestly.
Yeah, Rob, do you have something you want to, a story you want to get to? You said something like you had to.
Yeah, I got something out of the fucking blue here.
Oh, more of those?
Oh yeah, this comes off, do you remember?
Oh, okay.
It's a long story, so I'm just going to touch and go on it.
Okay.
Batman, actor Burt Ward, said he was given pills to shrink up after a complaint.
Oh, his underwear, yeah.
Anybody that does not know who Burt Ward was.
Robin.
Burt Ward was the original Robin on Batman.
Yeah, yep, yep, yep.
Well, I'm just going to break down on this instead of reading the whole thing.
Okay.
I guess Burt Ward's costume was too tight for him.
Uh-huh.
So instead of adjusting the costume, they gave him medication to shrink him up.
Wow.
You know what I'm talking about.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He is the opposite of the Steven Pearson couch.
He's in the 50s and 60s, there's one area he did not want to look too big.
Well, I guess he looked too big.
And that was, yeah.
Good problem to have, right?
Yeah, yeah, always a good problem.
Yeah.
But, no, you look it up, it goes into, no, Burt Ward had a problem and they had to give him pills to shrink him.
Yeah, he wrote a tell-all book.
And his costume.
I'm like, dude, why did you take him?
He wrote a tell-all book that pissed Adam West off.
They were still friends to the time of Adam West's death.
Yeah, yeah, that's what the story goes into.
He was talking about all the Hollywood orgies that they partaked in and all that, and I guess Adam West didn't want that out there.
And Adam West denied it for a long time.
He said, no, that never did happen, but I do believe it probably did happen.
And Burt Ward kind of exposed a lot of that underbelly of the old Hollywood scene.
And there was quite a bit of, there was a lot of problems over that because Adam West did not want any of that out in the public.
Okay, well, here it is.
As we were talking here, I just ran across one paragraph in this story.
Okay.
Ward highlighted that the critique was directed solely at his character and not at Batman.
He also mentioned that producers avoided similar criticisms of Batman's costume by finding timely solutions.
With Adam, they put Turkish towel in his under-spots.
So in other words, Burt Ward was hung better.
Much better than Adam West.
Yeah, in other words, Robin was hung better than Batman.
Yes.
Original.
What a great story, Rob. I love that.
Thank you.
Thank you. All right, well, should we go and wrap this bitch up and call it a night?
We've got to keep our listeners entertained.
Yes, we do. All right. Thank you all for listening.
Why not talk about, well, we say we talk about dick jokes.
That's what we do. And okay, next podcast, we're recording Tuesday night, right?
Tuesday night.
Tuesday night. Okay, I'm going to have some emails. I'm going to have them. I'm going to print them out Tuesday during the day when I'm off.
I'm going to print them out and I'm going to have them ready for us. And there's quite a few usable emails on this thing.
Yeah, yeah. I can't wait to hear it. We've had some time off.
And Rob and I are going to...
We have some criticism coming, I know.
We're going to address some of the... We love you guys in Des Moines. We still love you. Keep listening.
But we're going to address some of the ones that got a little pissy that we were off for a little bit over a week.
And it's all, we love you guys. We're not mad at anybody. But we're going to address them and just say, you know, hey, here's what to do.
And I already have my answer ready.
And me too. And I mean, and I'll do it right now. It's free.
No, no, no. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Do it in that box.
You're right. You're right. Okay. Anyhow, everybody have a good night. Thank you for listening.
We love you each and one. I mean...
Yep. Oh, hi Grandma Rude. Opal. Hi Grandma Opal.
Oh yeah, Grandma Opal.
We love you Grandma Opal.
I am so sorry.
And whoever her grandson's name is, we love you both. Thank you for listening. Have a good night.
Good night.
Hey, where'd her bae go? Where are the douchebags?
Oh my God. Someone took a dump in the corner. Oh geez.
Ugh. Glad they're gone. Let's just hope they don't come back. Man, that smells.