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Hi everybody, I'm Thready. I love listening to Two Douchebags and a Microphone, and I get all my pertinent information from them.
They are incredible and I love them though.
As pleasant as fifty grit sandpaper to your inner thighs.
Hi everybody this is Mark here and I'm getting ready to do a solo cast for you people out
there that want to hear about it.
The reason it's a solo cast is because I'm going to give you my opinion and my rating
of the new Carnival Jubilee massive mega ship.
I just got off of it last Saturday and had a great experience on it and really enjoyed
it and I decided that right then when I got on the ship it was so nice that I was going
to do some sort of a rating or some sort of a recording to go over some highlights of
the ship.
So anyhow the Jubilee was the most balanced ship I've ever been on with 6,000 passengers
plus all the crew members.
The ship was so enormous and spread out that one area was never heavily congested at any
time like most other ships.
The design was perfectly balanced to hold all the guests and not be congested.
What I mean by that was this right here.
They would have bars in the front, middle and aft.
So the forward, middle and aft all had bars, different types of bars, up end bars.
They had restaurants in all three of the areas.
They had restaurants all the way from deck 17 all the way down to 6 I believe.
So you have all these areas that have all these key places where people have to go daily
to get food, to get drink.
Pools they had a bunch of different pools in different areas.
They had all kinds.
They had an infinity pool on the Serenity deck.
They had an infinity pool on the forward.
They had an infinity pool and hot tubs on the forward deck, the Lido deck which is deck
12 I believe, deck 16.
They had one on deck 17.
They had another one on deck 13.
They had these everywhere.
They had these places that normally get cluttered like the Lido deck and all of the functions
that would be going on there that would bring the greatest number of people laying out,
getting drinks at the bar, hanging out in the hot tub, hanging out in the pool.
They had all these so spread out that people would go everywhere literally to go find their
spot that they liked the best whether it was the bartender at that area was better or if
they just liked the water better or the scenery.
Maybe they could see off the boat further.
Maybe they liked the people back there better, whatever.
It was so spread out that it was really an excellent deal how they did it.
It was enormous and I did get to see most of the ship because the Carnival app really
helped me out.
I could see where everything was at.
I didn't have to go up to these stupid ship maps near the elevators and try to figure
out something on the spot when people are walking by you or trying to look at it and
all that stuff.
I just went to the app when I was back in my room, examined the app, figured out where
something was at that I wanted to go to and I would nail down a time that I was going
to go there and it worked out very well for me and Val both.
The Jubilee had a variety of bars and clubs that offered fresh unique drinkology mixed
drinks from fresh fruit infused to a very cool gimmicky drink such as bubbles, smoke
and nitro.
The new take on drinks were quite refreshing as compared to the usual heavily candified
sugary pina coladas and daiquiris.
The exotic martinis were just amazing from the espresso martini to the fresh fruit infused
martini with a lot of ocean themed beverages, different ones.
I think they called one sea foam.
They called another one like the dolphin.
They were drinks that I've never seen before and everyone that I knew never saw drinks
like these before.
I think these were their own concoctions that they came up with using fresh fruits and infused
fruits and essence.
They were really refreshing but they weren't real sugary.
They used the fruit instead of sugar and it was really good because I don't always want
a lot of sugar in my alcohol.
I like a good mojito but not too many of them because there's a lot of sugar in them.
I like a good margarita or a pina colada but not too many of them because there's so much
sugar in them.
You just can't take out much sugar during one day.
It's not good for you and you don't feel good when you do.
You feel up quick.
You feel bloated.
Your joints tend to swell up with all that sugar.
It's just not a good thing.
They had a variety of bars and specialty bars.
Their new take on drinks were so refreshing and the exotic martinis.
It was just fantastic.
They have this one place there called Dr. Inks but it's put together with a period in
the middle of it there so it would be drinks but it was segmented with Dr. Inks.
It's spelled altogether drinks but it's segmented with a period that says Dr. Inks.
Very clever on the English language there.
Then there was the Golden Mermaid Bar.
Both of them were just off the hook.
These were adult-themed establishments that did not have children jumping all over you
while you're trying to order.
The bartenders were extremely professional and knew the drinks all the way through.
Speaking of kids jumping up all over everything, I'll just go ahead and go into this right
now.
I was over in the aft near the hot tub and there was this little brat that kept doing
dive bombing, belly bombs in the hot tub.
It was a huge hot tub and it was very annoying.
He was getting everybody wet.
So finally I went to the carnival guy and he actually made the parents take the kid
out of there.
I was really impressed with that.
I get tired of this pussyfoot going, could you please watch your kid a little bit?
He's being a little rowdy.
No, this guy went over there and he told them, he said, you're going to have to take your
kid somewhere else.
I've told him several times to stop this.
He won't stop the behavior.
You're not doing anything about it so go.
They left and everybody clapped.
It was fantastic because this bitch and whoever else was with her didn't seem to give one
else a shit about how annoying her little brat was being because her little brat had
to do things like this to get attention because she never gave him attention.
She's too busy being a Karen, fucking drinking her foo foo drink and bullshit with her best
friend.
You wouldn't even be able to pick her kid out of anywhere because she was ignoring him
that bad.
So the carnival guy, thank you and thank you carnival for putting your foot down and not
putting up with behavior like this because behavior like this makes me not want to go
on a cruise sometimes.
If they don't watch the kids good enough, look, I love children like the rest of them,
grandkids, all that.
You know, they're great, but when you're in adult themed area and you want to sit down
and have a couple of drinks, you don't want somebody's little brat jumping all over the
place because they're incapable of putting their foot down, trying to be their little
brat's best friend or whatever the fuck or don't even care.
It's bullshit that we have to put up with that.
We shouldn't have to put up with that.
And if someone does that, they should be corrected and they should be asked to leave.
So thank you carnival.
And I will just leave that right there.
That's done.
The bolt roller coaster.
When I first booked this, it was canceled due to high winds.
The bolt was eight stories up from my room and on the opposite side of the ship.
So this took about 20 minutes out of my day.
I get to the coaster and the guy told me it was canceled.
I was pissed and asked why they did not inform me on the app.
They can do all the other stuff on the app.
You know, I mean, I told you about a lot of the features on there.
The guy informs me that they sent a message to me.
Of course I look at my app.
Sure enough, nothing.
I showed him and I said, oh yeah, I said, well, where's this warning that you speak
about?
And he said, oh yeah, yeah, there was a glitch.
So I said like, okay, well, you know what?
I told you I didn't get a text.
Don't really appreciate taking all this time out, but you know what?
Okay.
So behind us were two other couples who the glitch must have got hit them too.
The glitch.
Now I'm saying this with air quotes, the glitch.
I turned around and I said, well, I guess the glitch got them too, didn't it?
He had nothing to say.
He knew he was busted.
What it was was they did not bother to send out anything.
They didn't care.
And that's one of my biggest issues with carnival is they do stuff like that.
They just leave stuff well, good enough.
And if you don't like it, that's too damn bad.
And evidently it's not a deal breaker because I still use them and I'm almost platinum on
them.
I'm not going to use them for good now because I don't know, I like them better than the
other cruise ships.
Like I said, you know, Royal Caribbean had Oasis of the Seas and these immaculate sea
shows and all this stuff, but you couldn't get a beer after nine o'clock at night.
It's an older people's cruise.
And then my experience is NCL Norwegian is a lush cruise to me and I'm not a lush.
I like to drink my fair share, but not constantly, not all the time, not every day.
And I don't smoke like a chimney.
I enjoy a cigar every now and then, but I do not smoke cigarettes.
And it seemed to me like that is what NCL has become ever since they opened up the unlimited
bar in the whole side of the ship, practically smoking, you know, so, you know, I'm with
carnival all the way.
So you know, it's not quite a deal breaker, but it's also annoying that they do certain
things like don't warn you, you know, that the bolt shut down.
They just kind of gloss over it.
It does annoy you that they don't seem to care enough to correct things like that.
But like I said, they're to me, they're still the best cruise line for what I like.
So anyhow, I, I, I did a few days later, get into the bolt roller coaster and I have to
admit it was terrific.
It was fast.
It went up high over the ocean and was really just like a real land-based coaster.
Well done carnival.
I mean, when this thing went up in the, in the hoops and went around the corners, it
felt like you were going to fly off of it like a roller coaster and all you can see
is ocean as far as you can see.
No boat.
You're that far up and that far out.
It was fun.
It was a work of art.
I wish I would have had more time to do it again, but it's a novelty.
You know, this was only at seventh sailing.
So people were, you know, they were dying to get on this thing.
And you know, I was lucky to possibly have two times at it.
The one didn't work out, but I was lucky to get the one time in on it.
And also it's 15 bucks a pop.
A lot of people didn't go on it because of that, but it was still busy enough to where
it sold out.
So the food service on the Jubilee was top notch.
Rudy's Sea Grill gets a five star from us.
The food was simply amazing.
This was perfect and not too steep on price.
The main dining room was fantastic food as well.
Good to see the food quality on the rise again because after COVID, the food had not been
nearly as quality.
The buffets I never did try.
I'm not a buffet guy.
I wasn't before and I'm not now.
I'm not a buffet guy at all, but friends of ours went and said it was much better as well.
The top spots that were grab and go were Shaq's Big Chicken, which I love.
That place is fantastic and they opened up a standalone at KCI, Kansas City International.
And I've not had time to go by there yet because every time, it's last time, you know, Superbowl
was going on.
So I didn't have time to order an Aristotle or whatever.
So I couldn't do it.
But one of these times, it will be one of those days where I have enough time.
You know, I don't go out of town for work anymore.
But if it had been something like that, I might have been able to squeeze a couple of
minutes out to get it.
Or you know, maybe I'll get a vacation where I don't have to be in a hurry when I get back
and I can go by there and grab an Aristotle or maybe a Nashville chicken that he serves
or something like that, that his place serves.
So anyhow, the buffets were still good.
The Shaxburg chicken, the Aristotle was my go to with spicy breaded chicken, cheese and
Memphis sweet barbecue sauce.
The chicken and waffles in the morning was very good as well.
Beach Buns was a place.
It had a hell of a great sandwich selection and all were quality eats.
The Reuben was real good and was told the BLT and the Italian saucy sandwich were very
tasty as well.
Guy's Pig and Anchor was good but not great to me.
To me, the sides of Guy's Pig and Anchor were complete garbage.
The potato salad had no taste at all.
Neither did the barbecue baked beans.
It was horrible.
And I'll tell you what, if I was starving, I would go out on a limb and say if I was
starving, I would starve to death if those were the only two items left on the earth.
They were absolutely horrible.
Then the barbecue was okay at best.
The best sauce that he has is this Memphis style and that's not even offered on the boat.
You can get it as a smokehouse.
There's one in Louisville that we went to last year.
There's other ones in other places.
He has a Guy's Smokehouse and they have a better selection of sauces there.
But to me, Guy's Pig and Anchor barbecue is fair at best if you ask me.
And I know barbecue.
I worked at one of the top rated, the top rated barbecue place in America, Fiorellis
Jack Stack.
When I was a teenager, I worked there for quite a few years doing the pit.
So I should know and I should be qualified to make this determination.
So then let's see what else we got here.
Okay the Guy's Burger joint was amazeballs like usual.
The Smash Burger is the best in the business.
Home cut fries were just fantastic.
They're golden brown and steaming hot.
Now for that bullshit craft brewery at the Pig and Anchor.
I went several times to try to purchase a craft brew made on the ship.
They were supposedly always out but they had the canned version of the poultry three blah
beers offered by Carnival.
My opinion, I doubt they even brew it on the ship but I can't prove it.
The canned IPA was terrible.
It tastes like fizzy piss.
As well as the other two beers that were offered as their own, the toasted lager, very disappointed.
My thoughts on that.
Don't waste your time.
Don't even go into that fucking place.
It's horrible.
So, anyhow, let me do you a favor and just let you know it's not good and there's no
reason to even go in there.
The beers that they have, I didn't get to buy a growler of anything.
We'll see if they ever, I don't know man, in my opinion it doesn't even look like they
make beers.
They say they do.
But I saw no evidence of beer making on that ship.
Just my opinion.
If I'm wrong, I'm sorry.
But it was lame.
So, I have to go into the omelet bar.
They had two of them.
Set up with optional places to get omelets as well.
Shack's Big Chicken, you get an omelet.
I didn't get one from there but people said it's just like the omelet bar.
You can put your fixings in it.
You know, you say I want this, that, this.
They'll make it for you.
They had other options for a freshly made omelet that helped keep the omelet bar station
not too crowded at any given time because the other places that you could get it.
They loved the choices as well.
You could just get fried eggs.
An omelet with 10 different ingredients or cheeses or egg white omelet only or just
fried egg whites.
These guys were the best, great food and it was very quick.
I mean, you go in there and you get it.
You'd be out of there even if there's a line 7, 10 deep.
You get out of there in like 10 minutes.
They're very quick in making these omelets and they're always operating three skillets
at a time.
We had several.
On a completely different note, getting away from food.
We had several very rough sea dates.
The water was swelling 40 plus foot.
You could barely feel it on a boat.
I am prone to being seasick but I was able to quit taking bonine after four days in it
because the ride was that smooth.
Roatown Island, no other ship could dock because of the swells but this ship could because
of its massive size.
Its massive size also made it easier to ride in and we were towards the front of the ship
which is notoriously rougher than the back of the ship and it wasn't any problem at all.
We were 10 floors up and had a balcony but it was no problem at all.
We barely felt them.
One night we felt a couple little tugs but that was it.
Galveston port was easy and the ship was quick and painless to board.
The boarding process from a drop dot at the porters area where you take your luggage to
the line waiting to make it to the ship was around 30 minutes.
30 minutes and I was on our private balcony and then when I went and got a drink and came
back I was in the private balcony with a drink in tow.
The Carnival Amp, not Amp, the Carnival App was simply amazing.
We got to check into the restaurant we chose that night and we could literally wait anywhere
until our 10 minute countdown buzzed.
We could be in our room, we could be in the bar or even at the Lido deck.
Ten minutes was plenty of time to get there.
Every night was a list of events and shows, ship time, boarding info at every port.
I love this app.
Furthermore you could go get lost somewhere on Cozumel and your app still kept time, ship
time.
So, let's say it was 6.30 wherever you're at and it was 5.30 ship time or 7.30.
It would let you know the ship time so you could be back on the ship on time.
It's usually one of the biggest problems you have is people forget to adjust their time
and then their phone automatically goes to the time of where you're at.
Well the ship goes by the ship time.
The ship time never changes.
So if you leave at 3.30 and you can, you know, it's 3.30 the whole way through.
They don't bounce it for an eastern time or anything.
So if you're in central time, this is a better way to say it is, if you're in central time
is 3.30, you're staying at 3.30.
You're not going anywhere else.
Okay, the ship was amazing to say the least.
Giant aquarium behind the main entrance bar to large colored glass and immaculate glass
stairs and stairwells.
The Lido had palm trees.
They were not real but they looked fantastic.
We had the very first captain's first mate, Doggy.
He looked like a German Shepherd I believe.
I just cannot rave enough about this ship and the cruising experience being so good.
Galveston Express deserves a shout out.
They were spot on getting us to Galveston from George Bush Intercontinental.
They were there waiting at the area right next to our baggage claim.
They got us to our hotel as quickly as possible.
We all know I-45 blows.
I-45 is a hell hole.
It's a great place to waste hours of your life.
Galveston Express got us back from the port to the airport as well.
Pickup was easy and away from all the clutter and craziness of the three ships letting out
at once.
I called the shuttle trying to get us to downtown from the port but they only take you to the
airport.
The man at the shuttle company said, we can drop you off at Hobby Airports, which is close
to downtown and get an Uber from there to your hotel.
This saved me around $100.
He knew from the port of Galveston to downtown was all uniformly $190.
But if I do it the way that he suggested, I saved $100 and I did.
And also, it didn't take virtually any time.
They were out there waiting.
I spent $90 getting to the White Wall Hotel downtown in Houston.
The White Wall Hotel was as good as a hotel gets when we arrived.
They got us in at 11 even though our check-in time was 3.
I explained that the port was much quicker than we thought and we were stuck without
a place for a few hours.
The manager looked up our room and gave us the card at no extra charge.
The outdoor pool was beautiful and complete with palm trees and a large, clean, well-kept
pool.
We went to the pool and had a couple of drinks and then decided to go to lunch.
We called a Lyft but the idiot couldn't figure out the one way is downtown.
It really wasn't that complicated at all.
As a matter of fact, the driver even saw me and asked me if I was the guy wearing the
White and the Holmes jersey.
And I said yes.
But he, I don't know, I looked at the app and he kept driving in circles.
I text him, forget it, and he said I agree.
After 15 minutes of watching him circle around, we scrapped the barbecue joint 6 blocks away
in favor of the Tex-Mex joint in the hotel on the second floor.
This was a great choice and not too pricey.
They also gave us breakfast vouchers for the main restaurant on in the hotel, main entree,
dessert and especially coffee.
This hotel was a 4 star, was such a great value at a hotel.
We hit the jackpot on this place.
I will be going back when in Houston next time.
Beautiful hotel.
It's historic and refurbished and classy.
I highly recommend the White Wall Hotel.
So if you are in Houston and you want to stay downtown, I really, really suggest the White
Hall Hotel.
It is a beautiful hotel.
It has a beautiful spacious pool and a lot of other amenities besides restaurants.
So that is my full report for the Carnival Jubilee.
I hope if you are thinking about cruising, it does you some good.
Anyhow, thank you.
Thank you all and have a great night.
We are going to have a regular podcast tomorrow with Rob joining me.
Thank you.
Coming up, a blast from the past.
This is where we take old shows and incorporate them into new shows.
Because you f**ks refuse to go get it.
Have I ever told you about my prank phone call deal that I used to do?
No.
Well, this was the old quick trip in Belvedere.
The one right off the highway, right off of 71 or 49 or whatever.
At 155th Street down there in that little pit there, right off the exit ramp.
There used to be a quick trip.
One day I am in there getting a soda or some shit and I notice the phone rang.
This is probably a drug deal or something.
Some guy jumps out of his car and starts answering.
I am like, huh.
I didn't know those things had numbers.
Not only did I not know they had numbers, I didn't realize that people f**king answered
them.
Yeah, the idea of calling into a pay phone didn't occur to me until I saw someone do
it on a TV show.
I was like, what?
You can do that?
I thought it was just a prank.
I thought it was just one way you got on there and said, hey, I am down here at the quick
trip, man.
Whenever you want to come down, I got the pet cage and the rubbers.
So, anyhow, I walk over there and I get a pen from the guy in the quick trip and wrote
down the numbers.
There were like three of them and they are in a little semi-circle.
Back in the days, like you mentioned the other day, how nasty that was.
Some guy gets up there and starts spitting all over the phone talking and then you go
picking up right after.
Yeah, jam it right up to the hole in your face that you eat through.
Now when I think about it, I cringe.
So anyhow, it is probably a dirt bag from Belvedere anyhow with no teeth.
So anyhow, I get these numbers down and anyhow, one day I am over at my friend Davies and
we are bored and I go, hey man, I got something we can do.
What is that?
See these three numbers?
Yeah, they are the number two, the pay phones and Belvedere quick trip.
Oh really?
Let's just call up and fuck with people.
Sure.
Okay.
So, you know, we call up and the first time it took a long time.
I don't think anyone was there.
Someone answered hello.
Hey, you know this is the pay phone?
I go, hey, you know, you are a dickhead.
You know, just start screwing with them.
Yeah, you are a piece of shit, man.
Hey, you know who I got right next to me?
Your mom.
Yeah.
You know, people get pissed off.
Fuck you bitch and all this stuff.
So anyhow, we call them up and harass and people get so fucking mad.
You know, we get them so mad.
They threaten to kill us.
They are going to come over and we are like, well, you are going to kill me when you don't
know where I am at, bitch.
You know, this is before, this is in maybe early 90s at the most, late 80s, whatever,
somewhere in that time frame.
And I mean, it was just, I mean, we had nothing else to do.
So we call up and just get people so mad.
David used to do this farmer oppression.
He used to tell a guy that his fucking goats were in his yard and he was mad or your fucking
cattle trampled my fucking sheep, you bitch.
I don't have no farm.
Yeah, you do, you son of a bitch.
I know this is you, Mr. Johnson.
You get your ass over here and you get my dead fucking sheep and you better fucking
bury it.
If you don't, I'm going to come over there and I'm going to slap the stupid out of you
and that's going to take all day because you are pretty fucking stupid.
And he would just keep railing on him and the people get so mad and argue about, I don't
have a farm.
I ain't got no farm, you dumb son of a bitch.
And he would just keep going, ain't got no farm, you dumb son of a bitch.
And these people get so mad.
So anyhow, one day I'm over there and I'm like, hmm, you know, it's starting to get
boring and people get mad and they hang up.
Then a lot of people just go, eh, fuck you, you know, and hang up.
The smarter ones do.
Yeah.
And I'm like, question them answering a payphone.
You know, this is a payphone, don't you?
Yeah.
It's like, okay.
I heard that one before.
All right.
Hang on.
Oh yeah, you're right.
I'm sorry.
Yeah.
What do you do?
I noticed there's a white house right behind there.
So any I'm like, hmm, okay.
All right.
Everyone always wants to know where I live at.
I guess I'm going to live in that white house right behind the payphone.
So anyhow, you know, most people are just kind of like they hang up and they don't want
to go to that white house.
This one guy that I was fucking with just constantly going, hey, you piece of shit, man.
Yeah.
You just don't sound right without a dick in your mouth.
You sound completely different.
Hey, you ball gargler and all this stuff, man.
You smell like chode and this guy's just getting fucking madder than you.
I'm going to beat the shit out of you.
Where are you at?
And I go, you want to know where I'm at, bitch?
Yeah.
Over there.
Look to your left.
Oh no, no, not that left.
The other left, moron.
Okay.
You see that left over there?
See that white house?
I'm right here, motherfucker.
I'm looking out the window.
I'm waiting for your fucking fat ass to come beat me up.
I'm going to smack the stupid out of you and I'm going to do it in front of everybody.
I'm going to call people over to watch me smack the fuck out of you.
And this guy's getting mad.
Oh, you son of a bitch.
Oh, I'm going to fucking kill you, man.
And you know, and I'm pretty sure the guy went over there.
He was so mad.
So he was so mad that he didn't even completely hang up.
I heard it go click and then it fell on the ground.
So he didn't look back or nothing and anyhow I hear a car peeling out.
So I don't know about that guy in that white house, but I'm pretty sure he got into a pretty
good fight.
Yeah.
Anyhow.
Oh, I should have looked at the police blotter the next day.
Man in white house beaten to death by outrage, still building.
Well, there wasn't an internet.
So it was like one of those deals trying to wait for one of those little regional magazines
like the South Side or whatever, the Grandview Circle or whatever.
The Grandview Dicks Mac or whatever.
One of those stupid little fucking mags to come out.
South Side idiot.
Whatever.
So hey, I never did find out, you know, and I didn't want to know.
I was afraid someone might have got killed that whole scuff up, you know, but yeah, it
was at the hands of entertainment.
So I justified it.
Yeah.
Were you briefly entertained?
Oh, I was entertained for a while.
I mean, especially the guys that just continue to get mad and just continue to try to insult
you and one up you without a brain.
Yeah.
And you continue like Davey just roll over so many insults on him and they just keep getting
madder and madder and go, oh yeah, fuck you.
Oh my God, you got me.
Oh, you went through the F bomb.
Oh, someone get me some iced tea.
Oh my God.
Oh, the pain, you know, and hey, how so the fine, the finality was ice calling down there.
And this is later, I got bored with it and I went back to it and this chick answers and
I started saying something, you know, just started blathering some sort of shit to try
to piss her off.
She goes, Mark Wallace.
Oops.
Who is this?
This is Danielle.
Oh, fuck.
What are you doing?
Calling a pay phone.
Long story.
She busted me the last time I called him like, fuck man.
That's it, man.
So far anymore is done.
Yep.
Cancel Christmas.
Yeah.
Pharmacy's closed.
Well, you know, I got a, I got a neat little story here about a little crank that me and
Davey, my friend that I referred to often.
Oh, yes.
Played the old banister ball.
Remember that?
Oh yeah.
Boy, that was a, that was an area for a lot of fucking fun.
We used to get away with murder at that place.
We've done the stupidest shit.
Well, there's a security guard, little, little short little fucker, little kind of little
dumpy little guy named Sam and he hated us long hairs.
We were in there getting all the chicks and he didn't fucking like it.
So Sam used to always try to get me kicked out and Davey too, but more me.
He really hated me for some reason.
So he always screw with me.
He got me kicked out for about two weeks.
Then we went to court and then the judge said you can't kick him out.
It's a public mall.
So, yeah.
So anyhow, you know, one of the biggest ways to sell the hoax is to, we found this out
was to have a setup guy that no one knew.
Just a guy to confirm what you're saying.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
I did see that monkey over there.
Yeah.
Last I saw him, he was on top of that building.
You're throwing shit at somebody.
The random witness.
You see him disappear.
Yes.
So this guy, okay, this is Bannister Mall, early 1980s.
Me and my good buddy Davey were hanging out and we were crazy long hairs that the average
teen would follow because we're long hairs and we're kind of like the Pied Piper of teens.
People used to look at us and go, well, there's the party.
Let's just follow them around until they go to it.
I've done that?
Yeah.
They used to do it all the time.
We'd be like, where are you guys going?
Cleveland, Ohio?
No, Missouri.
That guy looks like he might have beer.
Yeah.
So they'd just start following us and that's just the way we were.
And then we'd all introduce, hey, I'm so and so, I'm so and so.
And we'd have a good time Cleveland Lake or something.
Slamming beers, doing stupid shit.
So Davey and I had certain buddies that would walk up and hear the bullshit that was you
in and then help seal the deal.
They'd sell it completely.
One guy that walked around to help us was a punker named Jason.
Jason was really cool because he looked like the type of guy that wouldn't like us.
But we got to talking to him and we saw eye to eye on everything except music.
Everything else we were the same.
Fuck society.
Fuck the average guy.
Fuck this, fuck that.
But when it came to music, we're like fucking listening to Motley Crue and shit like that.
And he was listening to, I don't know, the Ramones or even deeper than that,
you know, Dead Kennedys, The Germs.
Television.
Yeah.
He was a real punker.
The Boydoyz.
Yeah.
He had an orange mohawk.
Sweet.
Or black spike leather.
And Doc Martens.
So, I mean, you know, you got the guy, right?
You know who I'm talking about.
So, great guy though.
I'd love to know what happened to him.
So, Jason, if you happen to hear this abortion, please, oh, I guess that's a bad word now, isn't it?
This atrocity.
There we go.
If you happen to hear this horrible atrocity, then, you know, hey, send us an email.
I forgot what the valid email is.
We put so many bullshit ones out there, we can't remember our real place.
There is a valid one and I can't remember what the hell it is.
We also have an actual real phone number.
Hell if I know that one either.
Yeah, so I can't even remember the real one.
Show prep.
Yeah.
Here I was talking about show prep and making a big deal out of it and I can't even remember our email.
So, anyhow, meanwhile, there's this one security guard named Sam that I kind of alluded to or actually went into a little bit.
Sam was a jealous little pussy bitch.
He constantly tried to get me kicked out and barred from the mall.
And like I said earlier, he did for a while, for a couple of weeks.
And we went to court.
I got back in, which really fumed his ass, burnt his ass.
Because every time I seen him, I was like overzealous about him.
Hi, Sam, how are you?
You come over for dinner tonight, little guy?
A little tiny bit of authority and it's gone.
You look cute today.
I beeped his nose one time.
He came out with unglued.
So, you know, me and David used to play moon tricks on Sam Costic.
Sounds like he deserved it.
Oh, he did, you know.
So we quickly went to Jason to be the casual guy walking by to sell it.
So Jason's over in the corner where the movie theaters upstairs used to be.
Because then they went downstairs for a while and then they disappeared.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, they used to be upstairs, mid upstairs.
So I think right across from food court, maybe.
If I remember correctly.
Now in my mind, I'm getting confused with Ward Parkway because their movie theater shifted around a bit too.
OK, well, anyhow, this is when they were upstairs because I remember that part well,
because people are coming in to go to movies and we're screwing with them.
So David and I set this one up perfectly.
We had a buddy that he won a backstage pass to Great White.
Oh, remember them?
It's a video shoot, OK, as an extra.
Oh, that'd be cool.
Yeah.
And he was in it, I don't know if it was once bit or something else, but he was in it.
And on the back was stamped used.
But on the front, it had an MTV logo.
It didn't have a specific band.
It didn't say Great White.
It just said extra for MTV video shoot.
And I remember really well it was green with an orange MTV on it with her famous logo.
Yeah, it was really cool looking and it was like made with some sort of a some sort of a really thick paper.
And it was engraved, I guess.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, it was raised. It felt great.
It felt like the seal of something embossed paper, raised printing, raised printing, whatever.
Makes a lot harder to counterfeit.
Plus it makes it look cool.
So our friend agreed to let us borrow this for a little while.
We got it back to him, like we said, and we didn't tear it up or steal it or nothing.
So Davey started waving the card in the air and making fun of me because he got this and I did.
He was like, hey, I'm going to be on this.
I'm going to be on this whatever.
Yeah.
So he's waving around going, I'll be on the video and you're not because you're too stupid and you couldn't win and all this stuff.
So this magical card was supposed to be a freebie to be an extra on the set of MTV.
This is what we set it up to be.
A list of hundreds of bands.
The secret MTV guy walking around was he was walking around the mall and this was going to be Sam eventually.
So the secret MTV guy that has these free magical passes was Sam, only he didn't know it.
So Davey's like, and I'm like, fucking asshole.
Yeah, all this stuff.
So automatically, see people get ready to walk in, right?
Get ready to go to movies.
Yeah, just like magnetic.
They're just staring at us and Davey's like, man, that sucks, man.
You get to go and I don't.
So Davey is waving this around, making fun of me and Jason will walk by.
They go, yeah, I fucking 112.
I threw it at him because there's no punk bands on it.
Fuck that.
I don't want to go.
So all of a sudden, those kids are fucking coming over.
What was this?
So that's so clever.
Oh, yeah.
We set it up perfect.
So the reason that we picked Sam to do this on that day was because we had the card for a couple of days.
He's wearing plain clothes.
And I guess he thought he was going to catch top lifters or something not wearing his little fucking bitch outfit that he normally wore.
So Jason, instead of us, goes, yeah, that fucking little douche right there is the one.
That's the secret MTV guy.
We didn't even say it.
He did it.
It sold it even more.
Yeah.
Because all these teams are like, you know, fucking their heads spun around and they're staring at him.
So Jason said, yeah, he goes, yeah, I bit him on the ear to get one.
So the story was, was this, the more outrageous you were, the more likely you were to get a free pass.
Oh, that's perfect.
So automatically he had like 50 teams jumping in front of him, fucking biting his ear, kicking him in the ass.
One guy was clucking like a chicken in the space.
Another guy's like, look, look, look, look at the bird.
Some guy fucking jumped off on one side.
Another guy ripped off one of the trees and hit him with a switch.
And Sam was just fucking freaking out, man.
What the fuck?
And we're like, we want to pass.
We want to pass.
What pass?
This probably went on for fucking 25 minutes.
He was losing his mind.
Yes, he was.
He didn't know what was going on.
What planet did I wake up on?
He'd get 10 teams away from him, right?
And then you have 10 more teams attacking.
So we leave.
We let this go on and let it go downhill.
And those teams told another one, get the pass from that fucker.
He didn't give us anything.
So this just kept rolling on and rolling on and rolling on.
So we come back a couple of hours later.
We went to, oh, no, I know what we did.
We went to Andy's Santa Fe and had a burrito.
I remember the Andy's.
And we weren't even old enough to drink, but we still did because they never carted there.
We both had margaritas or a fucking laugh and had our feet on the table and shit.
Davey had fucking flip flops on, so they eventually got mad and kicked us out.
Because you could see his toenails hanging out.
People didn't like that.
Yeah.
So, hey, we get back in and also we see Sam coming by all the shovels.
By this time, everything was gone.
It was all said and done.
I go, hey, Sam, do you want to know where all that came from?
Davey pulled out the cart and said, see this?
I go, yeah, you just been had, bitch.
Oh, he was fucking furious.
He turned right then.
You motherfucker, I'm going to get you out of here.
I'm going to get you guys kicked out for good.
I go, what for?
I didn't do anything to get some all.
We didn't get kicked out.
That was one of the best fucking pranks we ever played.
It was brilliant.
I just thought about it the other day.
I'm like, my God.
There are some other ones I got to remember that we did to them too.
And then I got another one.
You listen to the solo cast, right?
I'm going to tell the story about the nut-biter.
Oh, yes.
Oh, gosh.
I'm going to tell the story about the nut-biter.