Live from the historic river market in downtown Kansas City, Missouri, from the crystal blue waters of the Missouri River, it's Two Douchebags and a Microphone Podcast.
And now it's time for the Daily Douchebag Pledge.
Two Douchebags and a Microphone Pledge, I, Joe, or Jane listener, hereby promise to download every show.
I, Joe, or Jane listener, hereby promise to grab family members phones and download the show from there.
I, Joe, or Jane listener, hereby promise to go to public computers and download the show from there.
I, Joe, or Jane listener, hereby promise to laugh at all the unfunny jokes.
I, Joe, or Jane listener, hereby promise to lie to all my friends and tell them how good the show is.
And finally, I, Joe, or Jane listener, promise to visit Montrose, Missouri to take advantage of the power plant, campgrounds, and junkyard all within its quarter mile radius.
Hey there, don't worry, I have a clown nose.
Oh no, that drunk guy just hit my child.
It's okay, I have a clown nose.
Clown nose, just put one on and you can do anything.
Want to run for office? Murder people in public? Just grab a clown nose and bam, everyone laughs.
Clown noses are sold at gag stores online and pedophile conventions. Grab one today and make magic happen.
As much fun as an electric can opener to the scrotum, two douchebags and a microphone.
And now, deep thoughts with Mark.
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? Huh, I may never know.
Two douchebags and a microphone invade your ear holes in? Hey, who took a dump in the cooler?
Hello everybody, this is Two Douchebags and a Microphone, I'm Mark.
And I'm Rob.
Thanks for joining us tonight. Rob, I think we're all well aware that Valentine's Day is coming up, right?
Yes, yes.
Just around the corner, peeking at us, we know it's there.
Yes, and you threw a little something out on the last podcast and I've been waiting for this.
Yes, so I'm going to start off with a couple of stories about Valentine's Day and then I'm going to go into what I talked about on the last podcast.
Well, I just posted a podcast so it won't be the last one, it will be the one before it.
So, the last one I posted right after we'd done it because it was right after both championship games and it was kind of time sensitive.
So I just, I posted it immediately because it holds a little bit more value like that, you know, the game is happening.
Yes, time sensitive.
So, anyhow, well, South Jersey Pet Shelter is making this dark, twisted fantasy a kind of a reality.
For a $50 donation, Blackwood's Homeward Bound Pet Adoption Center will neuter your ex,
which entails performing the surgery on a feral cat that they've named after your ex partner before placing it back in the wild.
So, okay, yeah, no, no, no, you get it, you name it your ex and then they neuter it because you're saying they neutered, they don't need to reproduce.
It's a pretty good little gimmick to get people to, you know, yeah, it is.
Yeah, I mean, it's kind of corny, I know, but you know what, you're helping animals out and also you can always like make sure that your ex found out that you named a cat after her and had it neutered.
That might be kind of, that might be kind of fun too, right Rob?
Right.
Yeah, yep.
I get some enjoyment out of that.
Oh, I got a few I could do that too and really, really get a couple of hee-hee-hahas and a warm feeling in my belly over it.
So, and then at the same time, this is for Valentine's Day and this was done last year, only this is a different place that's doing it and it's slightly different.
The San Antonio Zoo was offering a special Valentine's Day greeting for exes who just won't bug off.
For $10, the zoo will name a cockroach after you're not so special someone and feed it to an animal, a cold but direct message that you're no longer interested.
The annual Cry Me a Cockroach fundraiser will support the zoo vision of securing a future for wildlife in Texas and around the world.
The San Antonio Zoo says on its website, those not into bugs can choose a vegetable for five bucks or a rodent for 25 instead.
All donors will receive a digital Valentine's Day card showing their support for the zoo.
They can also opt to send their ex Boo a digital Valentine's Day card informing them that a cockroach, rodent or veggie was named after them and fed to an animal.
Those with an especially stubborn ex can pay for an extra $150 upgrade which includes a personalized video message to the recipient showing their cockroach, rodent or vegetable being devoured by the animal.
I fucking love that Rob.
Yay!
The annual event is a hit.
I bet it is!
Clyde Perez, the zoo's Director of Public Relations told CNN last year they received more than 8,000 donations from all 50 states and over 30 different countries.
Right now we're on track to break last year's record with Zach, Ray and Adam being the most submitted ex names so far.
Zach, Ray and Adam?
I guess, okay, those must be dick names I guess.
Well, it better not be. I have a son named Ray.
Oh, okay, well he's the exception. To participate you'll need to submit your ex's name.
Well, and he just bought his first home so he's doing good.
No, he is what I call the alternate universe Ray.
Like, I had an old boss named Mike that was a complete fucking cocksucker, just a fucking asshole, a psychopath, okay.
But then I knew another Mike is just a complete dick weed, another one that's a complete asshole.
Then you have the alternate universe Mike, the one that's nothing like the rest, they're fucking gold.
Right.
Bob is another one.
Not you, you're Rob, you don't go by Bob, but one of my best friends ever, he passed away, he was like a second father to me.
His name was Bob, he was the alternate universe Bob.
The other Bobs that I knew were all fucking dickheads.
Every one of them were assholes.
I can see that.
Yeah, so I always called him like the alternate universe bad name.
So Ray is the ultimate universe Ray, you see.
All these other Rays were these womanizers.
He's doing really good, he's turned his life around now that he's getting older.
Good.
You know, and he's doing great.
I'm proud of him.
Excellent, well Ray, I don't know if you listen or not, we hope so, we hope you support your pops.
But anyhow, and his weird friend Mark, but anyhow if you hear this, we're proud of you.
Because you knew his mom.
Did I?
Yeah, Denise.
Oh.
The what?
Ray's my oldest.
Oh, okay.
Okay, well.
He's doing good man, him and his girlfriend just bought their first house.
And coincidentally, Denise was good friends with my ex.
Yeah.
Okay, you know who I'm talking about, right?
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, yeah, yeah.
I was very surprised to see them hanging out one day.
I'm like, huh?
And they're like, oh, we're friends.
I go, wait a minute, I know you.
So anyhow, okay, so.
No, me and Denise are still on good terms.
We chat every now and then.
The last I knew, I thought you guys hated each other.
I apologize, Denise, you're fine with me.
I never had a problem with you.
No, we made up.
Hey, we're older now, you know.
No, I know, I haven't made up with my ex.
But there were some things that went down that she did not know.
You know, so.
Okay.
We worked it out.
I'm sorry, I jumped the gun.
I thought it was still like that.
Denise is fine with me.
I think she's really nice.
Yeah, she's doing good.
Good, well, that's good to hear.
Good.
And my ex is not doing good.
Not at all.
But anyhow, I can tell you that off the air.
Anyhow, okay.
Jeffy X, in true fashion, found out about these Valentine's Day promos.
And he did some uncovering.
And he went down to the Hallmark Labs or wherever.
And he uncovered Valentine's Day cards that did make the cut.
These are ones that they had and that they put out.
And they had like focus panels and groups that listened to them or watched them or read them.
And said, no, we don't think that's a good idea.
And then, you know, as soon as they took a dump on them, you know, Hallmark or whoever said, okay, well, we're not going to release these.
Well, Jeffy X, again, risking his life getting these before they hit the dumpster, before they shred them up.
He got us a list of Valentine's Day cards that they were going to try to put out.
But then they failed the focus groups, okay.
And like Jeffy X, he already got his bat suit.
He already got his Sergeant Peppers.
He already got his embroidered underwear with a special Steven Pearcy of the Glam Band Rat pouch on the inside of his underwear.
So he can fill and fool as much as he wants.
He can put three or four socks in there if he wants.
But we're sure that Jeffy X does not need anything to look better down there because he's Jeffy X.
Oh no, he don't. He don't.
But Rob left his opportunity.
He can't pick everything up. Yeah, he don't.
Okay. Well, as soon as I see him, I'm going to have to give him some money because we don't break the law here at 2-Douche Bag.
And I won't buy him 10 pounds of cocaine and 80 hookers or whatever I'm up to.
But if he chooses to do that on his own, he can use the money I give him for that because of all the work he does for us.
And like always, I was like printing off some boarding passes and shit for our vacation coming up, right.
And all of a sudden I get a bing and it's like, oh shit, that's an important bing.
You know, I have the mail tagged on certain people.
I look over there, it's Jeffy X.
And like always, get this in 10 minutes or poof, it's gone.
So I downloaded it real quick and I printed it out and I got it right here.
So, and then 10 minutes, boom, it was gone.
And so was Jeffy X, like always.
This is Valentine's Day cards that did not make it that Jeffy X has uncovered.
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I just got tested at the free clinic and so should you.
That's a classic.
Can you believe that didn't make it, Rob?
That's a classic.
I know. How could, you can't say love any better than that.
No, you can't.
I know, that is like L-O-V-E. That's the fucking love, man.
I'm thinking of you.
Yeah.
You know?
Yeah, I'm trying to make sure that this doesn't progress like it did on me.
All right.
Trying to nip it in the bud, you know.
The old blister got infected or whatever and like now I'm fucked, you know.
Fucking balls ready to fall off or whatever, you know.
And you're trying to do this person a favor.
And so, you know Rob, I don't know where they get these prudes at.
And I'm not making excuses for them.
I think it's horrible that they would deny the public a beautiful, sentimental, valetized horse.
Yeah, that one right there is beautiful.
I know. It's beauty in its truest form.
It's like a horse galloping in the field in the sunrise would do, right?
Okay, maybe not.
Yep.
Next one.
It's pretty close.
It's pretty close, yeah.
Hickory Dickory Duck.
Why is there a blister on my cock?
Another great one.
That is beautiful.
Another great one.
I'm almost shedding a tear, Rob.
Almost shedding a tear.
You too.
Man, I don't know what's wrong with people these days, but they just don't have feeling and emotion like they used to, right?
That's why he sent this list to us.
Yes, he wanted to make sure that this got out, that they were going to release these, but then these tool bags in this focus panel or whatever they did denied him.
So, America, this is why you're denied beautiful cards is because of these stupid panels that they put them through.
All right, the next one.
How much do I love thee?
Let me count the ways.
Okay, I'm done.
What's wrong with that?
That one might be my favorite.
Yeah, that's up there.
You're the rest yet.
Oh, there's a couple of real singers on here.
Oh, I bet there is.
There's a couple of wee-hees and hoo-hoos on here, definitely.
The next one is, my love for you grows stronger and true, but not nearly as much as fluffy my shizu.
What is wrong with that one?
Everyone is welcome to love their dog more than anyone else.
Hell yeah.
You gotta love your dog, man.
That's like sitting on a picnic table with a checkered tablecloth.
Boss is my best friend other than you, you know.
Well, yeah, yeah, same here.
My dog's too, and I gotta include Val in there.
She might listen to this.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, she doesn't listen to her filth that she refuses to.
I don't blame her.
I don't either.
She allows me to do it, doesn't get in the way, and that's good enough.
But loving your dog is like sitting on a picnic table on a farm country farm in the backyard,
and they have that checkered tablecloth eating apple pie and watermelon with other little red-haired freckled kids.
Right?
Yeah, the Ford truck comes up, and they're like, hey, hey little Jimmy, you wanna go bail some hay?
Oh, heck yeah, Paul, let's go do it.
But no, no, no, we're denied.
I know.
I'm flabbergasted, Rob, just flabbergasted.
We may have to start our own publishing company.
I know.
I mean, the public is missing out on this brilliance.
Yeah.
The next one.
My love, what is this horrible blister?
I probably should inform your slutty sister.
I will remain, well, there wasn't an STD involved, but I will remain just silent on that one.
I will remain silent on it.
Oh, yeah, me too, me too, me too.
I will remain silent on it.
Oh, yeah, me too, me too, me too.
Yeah, I don't know anything about anything.
My name is Bennett and I am not an STD involved.
There was no STD involved.
Oh, yeah.
But that was back in the early 90s.
Yeah, yeah, mine was probably in the early 90s too.
But I got the trifecta.
I'll tell you about that a little bit later.
Yeah, three sisters, but it was like
Oh, three sisters.
Yes, but it was in like different periods, like between the first sister and the second one was like maybe 10 years.
And then the third sister is like, I don't know, shit, maybe 20 years.
I don't know. It was a crazy thing.
And like, back in the day, I would brag about it.
Now, I'm kind of like, I'm in my head in shame.
Yeah, I did that. I was a different person.
I don't know what to say.
Dude, it's always a trophy.
Yeah.
It's always a trophy.
Yep. Yep. And it wasn't 20 years.
Actually, it was like, you know what?
It wasn't that, anyhow, you know what?
It doesn't matter.
Yeah, mine's a little crazier.
Oh, you know what?
We can exchange stories later.
Off air, right?
Okay, the next one.
Yeah, I tell you mine, you may want me to put it on here.
You know what? When we get done, this is a Valentine's Day.
This is a Valentine's Day special, okay?
So, if you want to get, when we get done, if you want to tell this story, it's open.
Okay.
I don't know. I'm glad.
Yeah, I'm glad. Yeah, I'm glad we all leave names out. Yeah.
Well, I'm definitely leaving names out because if they hear this podcast, they know who they are.
But if my cousin in Fort Scott hears it, she's going to die rolling.
Oh, okay.
Well, no, she knows about it.
Oh, okay.
It happened in Fort Scott.
Of course. Of course.
Okay.
The next one.
Our love is so strong and oh so stern, but there's no reason that my pee hole should burn.
Another great.
That's a classic.
I've got little tears coming out of the side of my eyes.
Me too.
That's caring.
You know, my pee hole's burning so maybe you need to like look into yourself.
Right?
I don't get it, you know?
Yeah.
Like I said, you know, not nearly as many diseases with a mouth, right?
Right. Yeah, right. Yeah, yeah.
So I was right all along.
It's like, hey, man, there's only one way to make sure you don't have a kid, right?
Yeah. Exactly.
Well, there's two ways.
And so anyhow.
All right. Next one.
I hold you so firm and so tight.
Somehow your muffled screams don't sound like good night.
Oh, hell yeah.
That's a great one.
I love that one.
It sounds like you don't like it.
Oh, yeah.
Boy, Jeff the Ex-Im covered some shit here, didn't he?
Oh my God, he did.
I mean, what is.
No, no, no, no.
I know what he's doing.
He's going to start on next year on this year's Christmas.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Jeff the Ex, I've got your money here.
I've got it here.
We're going to owe him big this year.
Oh, I know, man.
Well, he's still to collect for me.
He hasn't come by yet.
So, you know, and like I said, I don't break the law here.
We don't do that.
He is busy.
I see a Sergeant Pepper's outfit because I hear he wears it everywhere.
He wore it when you left here.
Yep.
He wears it everywhere.
He's quite the Beatle fan, so he's not so.
And, you know, the flying batsuits more at night, you know, kind of like flying around here and there, you know, just terrorizing people and stuff.
So next one, who is this beauty of all my thoughts?
Your homemade lasagna gave me the trots.
That is.
I knew it.
That is love in its purest.
Oh, my God.
You're trying to warn your woman.
A woman that gives you lasagna, that gives you the trots.
You're never going to forget that woman.
No, I know.
You never are.
I know.
I get true love right there.
Yes. And also you're doing true love by warning her about potential food poisoning.
Right?
Yeah.
Yeah. There's no greater love than that.
It's like, look, I know.
Yeah. You know, that stuff like made me like really like shit everywhere.
So maybe you should need it.
Yeah. I mean, it's out of love.
So I'm starting to get a little teary eyed here.
Me too. Me too.
All right. And then finally, the final one is.
What a cruel world.
It would be without your face.
I would follow you home, but I'm very sensitive to mace.
What is wrong with that?
Oh, man.
They just bombed this whole thing.
Yeah. I hold my head down and I'm sad for America at this point.
Oh, wow.
I'm sad for us.
We're sorry, everybody. You're not going to get to enjoy these cars.
Yeah, I know.
I mean, you're not going to be able to enjoy a real romance from a card because we have these uptight people in these focus groups.
I just I'm flabbergasted.
I don't know what to say.
I mean, I'm sad.
That's what it is. I'm sad.
Anyhow, Rob, you might have a story.
Yeah. Yeah, I got one here.
Oh, it ain't going to be there.
Remember.
Oh, no, go ahead.
Go ahead.
Maybe you don't want to tell the other story.
It's fine.
Yeah, we're going to hold off on that.
Okay. Okay.
Oh, go ahead, Rob.
Yeah, I found this on Do You Remember in the Entertainment Section.
Oh, okay.
Sounds like a website I'd like, actually.
There is an 80s radio station that is the ultimate nostalgia trip.
According to this author.
Okay, please do tell.
Often elements of years past become saturated with nostalgia without us even realizing it until we count on them again.
Then comes the shocking joke of poignant fondness.
That's exactly what one music lover of the 80s encountered when she discovered a radio channel called 80s Chill Pill.
Is this on the Internet?
Actually, I'll get to that bit so I'll see your sex, yeah.
Oh, okay.
Linda Holmes with NPR's Pop Culture Happy Hour recalled meetings and tunes to listen to during the day of cleaning.
It was through this quest for just the right rhythm and mood that she found 80s Chill Pill and learned something about the full scope of nostalgic music.
How limited our music libraries could be and the way time changes our view of things we never knew we could love.
So this ex-m has a radio station for what we called 80s Chill Pill.
There's a shockingly effective blend of popular favorites and surprise successes.
The latter category came up for Holmes when she heard songs she used to hear plenty of times during her upbringing in the 80s and didn't have any real love for.
But they still gave that rush of nostalgia when they came up on the radio because that was the sound of the 80s.
Okay, Rob, I like the article and I understand what it's saying primarily, but here's a question I have trying to take it a little bit further.
Is there something different? There's 80s radio stations all over the world, all over the country, right?
What signifies this? What made this lady just like fall in love with it? Does it have the old-time DJ feel? Is it the song list?
Well, she describes a lineup of 80s Chill Pill as slow songs for an eighth grade dance.
So the hits she encountered include Peter Suteris, Gloria Love, Richard and the Karate Kid Part II, Dolly Parton's Island in a Stream, Careless Whisper Wham, Can't Fight This Feeling by Aria.
Yeah, they're talking about Stink Finger, getting the Stink Finger, right?
Yeah, it's teenage music.
In the back of your brother's car, got a little Stink Finger from whoever. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what they're talking about.
And that's how come it's so nostalgic. Everybody remembers their first Stink Finger, right?
Yeah, yeah, it's the slower stuff. Like they said, eighth grade slow dance.
Like the Meat Loaf, 2 Out of 3, you know, stuff like that.
It probably has it, I don't know.
Yeah, so yeah, cool. That's pretty cool.
Yeah, that's on Sirs XM.
80s Chill Pill.
Alright, let's take our first break, okay? And then I've got to answer someone from Harrisonville really quick when we come back, okay?
Because he posed an interesting question. Oh, I always love hearing from that.
This guy's really cool. I got it off the air because people probably won't care.
He listens to our show and analyzes it really well. And I don't think we knew him growing up.
He just happened to like the show a lot and find it, I don't know how he found it, I haven't asked him yet.
But he had a real interesting question that I want to answer solo. And we'll get to the emails in a podcast or so.
So let's take our first break and I'll answer Ronnie in Harrisonville. Be right back.
Alright.
The apocalypse just happened. You don't know what to do. You don't know where to go. But we can tell you what you can eat.
Garlic mustard could and should be a go-to food during an apocalypse.
Garlic mustard is plentiful everywhere. It is actually an invasive weed.
But it can be very delicious and easily taken from about any pasture.
Garlic mustard can be stewed or even pan-fried for delicious taste.
It can also be added to other ingredients, whether it's a salad or any other type of food to enhance it.
Garlic mustard should be a go-to steak over the apocalypse.
You need protection from fucktards. You know how people come in and fuck with you constantly.
You need answers. You need solutions.
Smack in the nuts! That's right! Smack in the nuts is what you need!
Smack in the nuts, get rid of said losers in no time flat. Smack in the nuts!
Available everywhere wherever you buy self-defense items.
Here are just a few testimonials from some satisfied customers.
Stupid fuck sack come to me. He talk stupid. He no let me go.
Smell like sack of shit. He spit talk all over. I remember smack in balls.
I use shit sack. Shit sack lie on ground. I walk off.
Thank you smack in the balls. You saved me from smelly smelly spit.
Well I had this stupid son of a bitch come around me.
He would not shut his fucking yap or for nothing. He gets up on me and he talks all stupid.
And I didn't know what to do. I could not shake this motherfucker like a burger.
Then I remember smack in the nuts. I pulled out old smack in the nuts.
And that motherfucker went down like a sack of fucking potatoes.
Thank you smack in the nuts. You saved me once again from stupid motherfuckers.
Smack in the nuts! Don't leave home without it.
A lot of podcasts just come from a can.
Here at Two Douchebags and a Microphone, we pour our own podcasts.
Oh shit. What's that over there? Oh no. It's the island of horrible jokes.
I can't take my dog to the lake. The ducks keep attacking him.
That's what I get for having a purebred dog.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Next up, Things Overheard in Hell.
Dishwater has the top ten spots on billboard hot 100.
And we are back to Two Douchebags and a Microphone. I'm the Mark portion of it.
And I'm the Rob portion of it.
Alright. And together, we are the douchebags said in our name.
Yes we are.
Okay. Ronnie inherits me.
Ask anybody that knows me.
And I think just listening to me, you can tell I'm a douchebag.
Okay. Ronnie in Harrisonville has been sending me quite a few emails.
And he informed me about how many episodes we've done up till then.
And he informed me about some keynote episodes that he really liked.
He really is a fan of the show. He's a little bit younger than us.
And I don't believe we're trying to figure out if we knew each other.
And I don't believe we knew each other.
He was just below that threshold of people that would hang out with us.
He's like maybe seven years younger or something.
Just you know, yeah.
So he was below that threshold of who would have hung out with us.
But he had an interesting question that I'm just going to answer on air.
Because...
Did he grow up there?
Yes.
Okay, well he might possibly know one of my cousins.
Okay, you know what? I've got a last name.
They may have grown up together. I don't know.
I'll tell you the last name off air. Okay?
Well, it wouldn't tell me nothing.
Oh, okay. Okay.
Alright, well you can give me the name and I'll send it to him.
Yeah, I'll give you the name. Yeah.
Okay, that's cool.
Well, Ronnie in Harrisonville, he asked why and how I became a real sugar snob.
And this is self-admitted that I love real sugar Heinz ketchup.
I love real sugar Pepsi, real sugar Coke, real sugar RC.
I don't like corn syrup anymore.
And the reason I started on it is it might surprise some people.
Okay, I used to have this ritual whenever I would go get gas.
I would go into the store and I would buy a soft drink with corn syrup in it, right?
Right.
Okay, they don't sell, not very many quick trips and stuff like that sell real sugar anything.
They just sell the stuff that sells.
You have to go to a bigger store to get the real sugar stuff.
Well, I was like, you know what?
I'm getting tired of buying these Pepsi's and drinking them out of habit and it's like an uncontrollable habit.
I'm just sitting there, I'm kind of bored.
Like, you know, I got a lot of driving to do.
Let me grab this Pepsi. Let me grab this Coke.
Okay, well, since I don't have a taste for corn syrup anymore, I can't stand regular Pepsi or Coca Cola or anything.
And it worked just like I thought it would.
Okay, so now if I go into a quick trip, I can't buy any sodas because they don't taste good to me.
The only ones I can buy are the real sugar ones.
And that's the reason I did it, is to ruin the taste I had for it.
And the way to do that is, is like corn syrup has actually kind of a bitter taste.
You'd think it's sweet and it is sweet, but it's got a bitter taste with a sweet.
And once you start on real sugar, even Heinz ketchup, it's called Simply Heinz, the same thing.
It tastes so much better, I can't stand regular Heinz ketchup now.
And the same way with real sugar Coke or whatever it is.
You see, and that's why I started doing it.
I didn't start it because it was trendy or anything like that.
And I don't even know if it's trendy. I don't think it is.
But if it was, it wasn't anything except trying to get me to not like the corn syrup, which I can't stand anymore.
And it worked. But now the other thing is I go to Costco and they don't sell anything at their gas.
You know, they're like gas and get the hell out of here.
So I wouldn't be buying a Pepsi anyhow.
But if I am at a quick trip or whatever and I'm forced to go into there, like, you know, like if I'm out of town or something, I'm not going to go in there and buy a Pepsi.
Because it'll be like, no, no real sugar, anything. All right, that's it.
And I move on. So it's as simple as that. And it worked.
So anyhow, I appreciate that thought, Ronnie from Harrisonville.
I mean, it was interesting that he even brought that up, you know, I didn't think that.
Yeah, well that guy right there shows you he does listen.
And the curiosity really got me, too. It's like you really give a shit why I start. You know what I mean?
Yeah.
But anyhow, thank you, Ronnie.
I'm not liking you, Ronnie.
He's cool. He's very cool. He has our sense of humor.
He is a fan of radio like we like we were or are, you know, I mean, a lot of the radio we loved is dead and gone.
And, you know, but, you know, he's a fan of radio.
He mentioned a few shows that I was very familiar with and that I love and I kind of hold dear kind of hold
kind of kind of look at this podcast is maybe very primitive, but a tribute to those shows.
Right.
Yeah. Kind of a salute and saying, hey, guys, thank you.
We love what you did, you know.
So anyhow, did you ever hear about the pepperoni prank?
No.
I guess it's something.
No, I have not.
It's something that's going around now. And I don't know if this particular thing started it or not.
But Heather Daughtery said she woke up Wednesday morning to what she thinks is of all things pepperoni.
What is this Daughtery said to herself that morning?
I am on camera, so I cannot say the words I exactly use.
But this is from a news excerpt.
But what is this?
From the door to the edge of the porch and then strategically placed down the stairs to the driveway and four slices on the hood and four slices on the trunk is pepperoni.
They pepperoni everything in a system and a systemic order like like the pepperoni, you know, even it was all even like there's like four on the sidewalk.
There's four on the driveway before you get to the car.
There's four on the hood. There's four on the windshield.
There's four on the roof. There's four on the back.
You see what I mean? And they did like.
That is weird.
Yeah, they did patterns of four all over her driveway and it was all pepperoni.
And so anyhow, I'm like, OK, that's odd, you know.
But then I got to reading and this is something that people are doing to people is called being pepperoni.
And I'm like, do you really want to waste pepperoni?
Yeah, really?
Yeah, I'm like, that's that's atrocious.
It's not right.
But it's not only that, but is it that good of a prank?
Really?
I mean, it's weird, but I can't say it's that brilliant of a prank.
Chances are by the time they find it, stray dogs are going to get hold of it anyway.
That's the other thing I thought of too is, yeah, I mean, what about stray animals?
All the animals.
Whatever. A possum will eat it because we throw shit out that we have a possum that comes up.
I see him on ring all the time.
That possum eats anything, meat, not meat, anything.
I mean, he was eating one of the pumpkins that rotted.
I mean, or he or she or whatever.
So, yeah, yeah, if you come out, a lot of times it's gone because an animal takes it.
So I don't understand this pepperoni craze.
And if anyone knows what it's truly about, if it signifies something or something like that, please email me and let me know.
DoucheB66 at Yahoo.com, email me and let me know what it's about.
I mean, what are we missing here?
Is it like part of a broader thing or is it like, you know, I don't know.
I'm not sure what it could be.
So, anyhow, so we're going to go to something a little bit more serious, Rob.
Is that OK? OK.
Single women home ownership rates were the highest in Delaware, 15.3, Louisiana, 15.2 and Mississippi, 14.8, where the lowest are North Dakota, 10.7, Alaska, 10.3 and Utah, 9.0.
Single women now own more homes than single men in California and overall home ownership is majority female now in the U.S.
Did you know that? No, I did not.
My question is, how did this happen?
And I'm not dogging it. I'm not saying it's a bad thing or nothing like that.
How did this happen? Is it because the males let their foot off the gas and they're not taking care of business like they should have?
Or is it because females simply just don't want to put up with them and they're doing their own shit?
Or is it a combination of both?
I think they're getting tired of us. So they're going to take care of themselves.
That's what I think too. I'm glad that's what you said because that's exactly what I think too. They get tired of the ball being dropped by the males.
We're dropping the ball, so they're going to pick it up and run with it.
Yes, and I know several female people that I know that are going through that with their males. The male doesn't want to work, get a job for a little bit and then, oh shit, something happened to it.
Or, oh man, my back hurts, I can't go to work or whatever.
And then they're forced to come up with a majority of it anyhow. So what they're doing is I think they're just like, you know what, no man.
No, no, not an option. If I'm going to pay for everything, I ain't going to put up with you.
Yeah, exactly. Single moms are fantastic.
I see this every day.
Yeah, I do too. And I salute single moms and I'm a big fan of them because that job that they do is so hard.
Single moms or single dads?
Yes, there's a lot of single dads out there too. We're not leaving them out too.
And I do know a couple of single dads and they are damn fine parents, acting like parents, you know, and they're damn fine at it and they're really good and they're raising their kids the right way and teach them morals and values and respect.
Even though this podcast probably doesn't sound like we appreciate that, we do.
We do.
Yes, we do. So anyhow, I just wanted to run that by you because when I read that, I'm like, huh, that's interesting that that happened and it happened a lot quicker.
I figured it would have happened, right? But not this soon. I thought it was going to take longer because you kind of see the writing on the wall with the way a lot of men that we know kind of don't care or seemingly doesn't care.
It's like, hey, that's your kid. Yeah, okay.
You know, anyhow, I've got another little story here and then we can go into what you if you got something you want to talk about.
Yeah, I got another little story too.
Okay, everyone by now has looked in one way or another the video footage of Jason Kelsey's shirtless.
Well, yeah, there's just men that are...
The one that I posted with him on top of the Empire State Building like King Kong and the little planes flying by him and all that. That's my favorite.
Oh, no, I shared one wall ago. It's Godzilla versus Kelsey.
Oh, I got to see that. I'll look at that. That looks good.
So, well, now it appears that AI is added again. This time Taylor Swift is a subject to be on topless in the box as well.
Oh, yes.
That is thanks to a computer generated deep fake. The fake photo has been passed around the internet.
Taylor is furious and she's threatened legal action and I support her a thousand percent.
Ketchum did it and prosecute him to the fullest extent of the law and take every penny you can get from them.
Because this is the only way that we're going to slow this thing down at all.
And if you're interested and you want to look into it, the White House has even gave their opinions about it.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I forgot. Yeah, they did. They did.
But those who wanted to do your own research were not going into it.
No, because we promised a long time ago that we are not a political show.
No.
You know, when Topher was doing the show, we were a political and let's see what else, an entertainment show.
But Rob and I are less serious whenever we get together.
So the natural, what would you call it, avenue of the show or whatever the natural path of the show is to be a comedy show.
And also another reason is this right here.
After Topher left and I hung out with him today, he's a great guy. We get along and everything.
He just doesn't want to do this right now. And he might come back at some time. Maybe not. But it's no big deal.
But he went. I'm trying to think of the right way to say it.
He commanded a certain amount of higher talk, if you will. Right.
Right.
Because he's retired now. He does a lot of research on things and he has a lot of really deep thoughts.
And so when I was doing the show with him, he would bring up stuff that would be thought provoking that I would have to like, you know, chime in on and then like start talking myself.
But Rob and I like to have fun. And that's why we decided together that we wanted to be a comedy show and no political at all.
Because there's people that do political shows much better than us that we could ever do. And we're going to let them do it.
Yeah. Yeah. And you know what you like now. You know if you're a liberal, you know if you're a conservative.
Because I would say the average age of our show is at least 40, if not older. Wouldn't you say?
I would say 40 plus is what I'm guessing.
Me too. Because the type of humor it is and the stuff we speak about, I think it would be 40 plus at least.
So you already know whether you're a liberal, you already know if you're a conservative, you already know if you're an independent, you already know all of this stuff.
And there's nothing we're going to be able to tell you that's going to make you all of a sudden go, oh my gosh, you changed my mind.
Two douchebags in microphones said it so well that I changed from this flaming liberal to a flaming conservative.
That just doesn't happen. So to me, it's a waste of breath.
It's a waste of breath to even try in our age demographic.
Because everybody is already married to what they want to believe.
Anyhow, but okay Rob, we've got some stuff that you want to get to, but let's take our second break really quick because this show is vastly getting away from us.
You notice? Yeah, I notice. I notice.
Yep. Alright, we'll be back in a minute.
Somewhere in the heavens your great Grammy Gertrude is crying because her little Bebo is listening to this film.
Hey look, I think we found land. Oh my god, I think we're safe.
Oh no, it's the island of horrible jokes.
I'm going to get you all alive.
Where do polar bears keep their money? In a snow bank.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper. It's strange insults from an alien. Real hilarity.
Mate, you'll forever feel yourself in a migraine and the pocket is not even in it.
And now, deep thoughts with Mark.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Hmph. I may never know.
Two douchebags and a microphone says.
You ever dream about eating chocolate pudding and wake up with a spoon in your ass? Just asking.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper. It's strange insults from an alien. Real hilarity.
You are dressed like an assistant event coach at an Ohio State Middle School.
The apocalypse just happened. You don't know what to do. You don't know where to go. But we can tell you what you can eat.
Good news. If your good old pal your dog survives the apocalypse too, broadleaf plantation is a good answer for both of you.
The entire plant is edible from root to tip. It can be roasted or raw and is safe for canines and humans.
The apocalypse just happened. You don't know what to do. You don't know where to go. But we can tell you what you can eat.
Hi all. This is Mark here. I'm usually the one telling you what to eat during an apocalypse.
Well this time I decided to go the other way.
You ever consider just going to ground zero and saying fuck it? Do you really want to be the guy running around looking for radioactive deer?
Guessing whether water is not contaminated or not. No food, no shelter, no nothing.
Oh no. There's a strong argument that says you know what? Let's just go to ground zero and see what's for us after.
Just a thought.
Two Douchebags and Microphone. I'm Mark. And I'm Rob.
Alright. We are back like promised. And like promised, Rob takes the stage now. In his underwear.
And a couple of chicken wings that fit his arms.
What I do in my own studio stays in my studio. And face paint. Rob the show is yours.
I ran across this one on Fox Business Travel. Alright. And this dish is pretty cool. Story.
Man uses 46 year old Disney World Pass to be admitted into park. Golden ticket. That's deadline.
Okay.
A man has gone viral after showing how he successfully gained admission into a Disney World Park by using a pass that was nearly 50 years old.
In a TikTok video garnering more than 8 million views.
Matthew Abel said he found the pass which was in the form of a booklet and allowed entry into Disney's Magic Kingdom in Orlando Florida.
Abel told his followers that the pass had been collecting dust since before he was born and he assumed it was an old family keepsake.
I realized it had never been used and there was no expiration date he had it.
The pass which was purchased in the late 1970's was good for one day and only one of the parks. Magic Kingdom.
Wow. Today the theme park ticket is available at Walt Disney World as a base price of $109 per day.
How much was that base price does it say?
Abel said in his TikTok video that his vintage pass cost $8.00.
Oh wow.
Which means the price of the ticket for Disney World has increased by at least 1262.5%.
Oh man they couldn't keep the copyright to Steamboat Willie.
They are mismanaging their money Rob.
I know.
Wow.
A Magic Kingdom ticket is a price of $184 for those over 10 and $179 for ages 3 to 9 years old.
Wow. Geez.
What a great article. Thank you Rob.
I've got a neat little article here.
This comes from KansasCity.com I believe.
If you ever wanted to live the life of a Bond villain or would prefer contributing to the Warzone's Friday Bunker Talk post within an actual underground bunker.
Here's your chance.
A Cold War era communications bunker has emerged for sale which unlike many that periodically come onto the market has been fully renovated and all the conveniences you'd expect in a modern home.
And this is in Polo Missouri.
You know where Polo is at obviously right?
Yeah I know where Polo is.
Little town north central almost Missouri.
I know some people up there.
Yeah I knew some people up there too.
Yes this Dimmsday Mansion is turnkey.
The bunker in question dates back to the 1960s and is located near Polo Missouri which is less than 40 minutes away from Kansas City.
It's a little bit more than 40 minutes wouldn't you say?
Yeah a little bit.
Ok it is currently up for sale on various real estate brokerage sites but appears to have originally been listed by the Kansas City based realtor Reese Nichols and we all know that.
Yes.
Inside it boasts a whopping 10,000 square feet of modernized underground space which has been fully upgraded for 21st century living alongside some crazy optional extras.
What's more the listing includes 10 acres of land above ground affording whoever ends up perching an ample space to build around the bunker.
It is also fully self efficient featuring a private water well, a new pump and a substantial 10,000 gallon stainless steel water tank or whatever you want to call it.
Storage tank I guess all seamlessly connected to an Aquasanian water filtration system.
I guess Aquasanian it's a brand I guess.
It's Zillow listing notes the bunker is also equipped with an emergency escape hatch and a towering 177 foot communication tower.
The entire lotting inclusive of the bunker land and other additional structures is listed at a cool 2 million.
Previously it was listed at 1.4 as of January 1st of this year.
The reason for the sudden increase of the price is unclear while the precise homeowner history as well as the renovation work inside first began remains murky and they can't really pin down it I guess.
It appears to have been listed for sale at various points over the past few years.
At several points in time it reportedly could have been yours for well under 1 million.
Yet even 2 million is considerably less than the 4.5 million it cost to build in the 1960s as the various real estate listings noted.
Post on a separate eBay lot for sale.
So, anyhow back then if it was adjusted for inflation in how days that would cost 40 million to build.
So, if you're in the bunkers I would say since it would cost 40 billion to build that that would be a hell of a deal right?
Yeah that would be.
Yeah.
I mean if you're in the bunkers and all that you know or if you're a survivalist or whatever and you might want a bunker then that would be a hell of a deal it sounds like.
And also it has everything you would probably need to survive at least for a while.
And then also another thing is you can listen to two douche bags of microphone and find out what you can eat out in your yard with the apocalypse series that we have.
Yes you can.
Yeah. You want to eat some dandelion, you want to eat some hickory nuts you know.
And more importantly tell you the stuff to stay away from.
Yes, yes we do have a segment on that.
Yeah.
Yep.
And anyhow interesting stuff.
So, let's see here.
Looking for some articles here because you know what I didn't give a shit I knew the podcast was coming up and I refused to do any prep.
Okay.
I was defiant today.
Oh here's one.
Jam Master Jay Trial Begins remember him?
Run DMC?
Yeah.
Famous video that brought Aerosmith back?
Yeah, yeah I heard something about that. I heard it bring across something about it.
Well he was murdered in his studio I believe if I remember correctly.
And I didn't even know they caught the people or they think they caught the people that did it but it sounds like they think they know who did it and they're on trial.
Openly statements began today in a federal trial for the murder of pioneering hip hop star Jason Mizel known to fans as Jam Master Jay who was shot and killed in 2002 at age 37.
Wow it was that long ago?
Wow.
2002.
The case languished for two decades amid stalled investigations and lack of evidence.
Carl Jordan Jr. 40 and Ronald Washington 59 were eventually arrested in 2020 on allegations they shot Jay in his Queen's studio.
Okay it wasn't a studio.
For reportedly excluding them from plans to sell a shipment of cocaine prosecutors allege.
Ah.
You know what?
That sucks that he died over drugs doesn't it?
Yes it does.
Yeah that's too bad.
Because he didn't have to be a part of that.
He made well enough money not to have to sell drugs.
So Jay appeared to be in a drug distribution ring at the time.
Claims his family denies that.
They say he was not.
Both men are pleaded not guilty on all charges.
Jay was one third of Run DMC views as one of the most influential groups in hip hop history and I would have to agree with that.
I would call them the most influential.
Because if they wouldn't have came out with their brand of hip hop.
I don't know if anything else would have hit honestly.
They were like the bridge a gap.
Here in a nutshell they brought white people to rap.
Yeah they did.
Yeah.
With the help of Aerosmith.
Yeah well Aerosmith was dead in the water dude.
They could not sell.
Yeah they were. They were. They could not sell anything.
And then when they did the Walk This Way video.
All of a sudden Aerosmith started booming and then they came out with a permanent vacation.
I believe it was.
And it hit.
It hit big time.
Because everybody was reintroduced to Aerosmith because of this video and this song.
And the video was groundbreaking too.
Because they were showing about knocking down like walls.
Right.
So you had Run DMC in one room doing their hip hop.
And you had Aerosmith in the other room doing their hard rock.
So what eventually happened is they kept hearing each other and they tore down the wall and started jamming together.
So it was one of those messages thing.
But it was so brilliantly done that I'm not sure if a lot of people caught what they were doing.
You see what I'm saying.
Yeah.
Yeah it's talking about tearing down walls and you know.
And like basically getting along and you know trying to enjoy other people's stuff and all that.
So anyhow it's too bad that Jam Master Jay ended like that.
Because he had a great career.
And you know it really kind of sucks.
So.
Alright.
A teen whose Instagram user is at fishbandit84 has been arrested in Provo Utah.
That's Salt Lake City area.
For taping fish to ATMs and other objects.
Look this up Rob.
What.
Yes.
Taping fish.
Not like taping like a video camera.
Like masking tape or scotch tape or whatever.
Whatever will hold the fish.
A 70 year old executed these bizarre pranks more than a dozen times from last August through December.
ABC4 and FOX 13 in Salt Lake City reported.
But they weren't always in the Provo and.
And let's see.
Well the Salt Lake City areas basically it gave some other areas but no one would know where it's at.
So anyhow I know a little bit about it.
So yeah.
The Salt Lake City suburbs and surrounding areas.
He did some of the strange antics.
Internationally too.
Posting videos on them on his Instagram account where his bio states live love tape fish on ATMs.
One Instagram video shows a fish taped to an ATM in Tokyo.
And what appears to be a subway station.
And he said we're going international.
The perpetrator wrote on his post.
Other fishy videos were purportedly to have been taken in Frankfurt Germany.
Guatemala City.
Guatemala and Phoenix.
And yet another one was taken in the bathroom stall at a Bass Pro store.
He used a variety of fish such as trout bluegill bass catfish carp and crappie.
One fish had a cigarette in his mouth.
In one incident he took trout to a Provo police car.
So.
The guy wasn't as insane as one would think.
He was doing a gimmick to get people to go to his Instagram account and it worked.
That's national news right there.
So I would say what he done worked.
I don't know if he got in trouble or not.
I don't know what kind of trouble you can get for taping fish to something.
Is there a law that covers that?
Is there something like on a desecrating property or something?
Maybe.
But it would probably be a misdemeanor.
It wouldn't be a felony.
It would be something he could get out of easily.
Yeah it would be a slap on the wrist.
Yeah.
Now the question to me is this right here.
Did he make any money from the hits that he got on Instagram?
Or is he just doing it for notoriety?
Did he do all that just to people go oh hey there's a fish bandit?
Or did he do all that trying to establish a core audience on his Instagram?
I don't know.
We know.
I'll tell you what for publicity it worked didn't it?
Drugs. Drugs.
Drugs. Yeah.
So anyhow hey fish bandit we salute you.
Yes we do.
Anyhow we're getting towards the end of this podcast so Rob do you have anything you want to say?
Anything on your mind? Anything at all?
That's about all I've got tonight brother.
I mean I've got things but...
Actually I'm going to be starting a new segment.
Oh cool. Okay.
The very best sitcoms of all times.
Dude.
I'm not starting it right now.
I love that.
There is over there is 100 sitcoms listed.
Wow is this your best or is this a list?
I'm going to take so many a night and start naming them off.
That sounds great.
And we will start that next podcast.
Okay so I take it this is someone else's list?
Yes.
Actually I found this 247 Tempo.
Oh okay.
Alright cool.
It came across my phone as a news break.
I got you one of those click bait things but that's cool man I would love to hear some of them.
Click bait hell there's a hundred of these dudes.
No well I don't mean click bait like they suckered you.
Oh yeah yeah.
Yeah so anyhow cool.
Alright well everybody.
That's a new segment I'll be starting tomorrow night.
That sounds great to me.
That sounds awesome.
Alright well everybody have a good night.
Thank you for listening to us.
Good night everybody.
Hey where did everybody go?
Where are the douche bags?
Oh my god someone took a dump in the corner.
Oh jeez.
Glad they're gone.
Let's just hope they don't come back.
Phew man that smells.