Live from the historic river market in downtown Kansas City, Missouri, from the crystal blue
waters of the Missouri River, it's Two Douchebags and a Microphone Podcast.
And now it's time for the Daily Douchebag Pledge.
Two Douchebags and a Microphone Pledge, I, Joe, or Jane listener, hereby promise to download
every show.
I, Joe, or Jane listener, hereby promise to grab family members phones and download the
show from there.
I, Joe, or Jane listener, hereby promise to go to public computers and download the show
from there.
I, Joe, or Jane listener, hereby promise to laugh at all the unfunny jokes.
I, Joe, or Jane listener, hereby promise to lie to all my friends and tell them how good
the show is.
And finally, I, Joe, or Jane listener, promise to visit Montrose, Missouri to take advantage
of the power plant, campgrounds, and junkyard all within its quarter mile radius.
And now, deep thoughts with Mark.
How does a butterfly take a dump?
It never stops long enough.
Maybe it just shits while lofting.
Maybe it shits real quick while chewing flowers.
I may never know.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity.
I will rescue.
But my mom told me to not burn trash.
Hello, this is Satan.
You might know me from my pet name, Inflate.
I am the
One and Only Satan.
I'm here to tell you that there's no better way to relax than listening to two douchebags
and microphone by a nice warm fire at night.
I sit there and reflect on all the souls I've burned that day.
Hello everybody, this is Two Douchebags and Microphone.
Just right after the championship game and the second championship game is going on.
And most of you probably know, our beloved Chiefs are going to the Super Bowl again.
This will be back to back in all the naysayers.
All the naysayers, which was plenty of them.
We're all, oh yeah, Kansas City offense needs an identity.
They have an identity crisis.
Oh, it's broken.
It can't be fixed.
Oh yeah.
You know, everyone predicted death.
They came out and played today.
And they've been playing.
They played three solid games in a row to get where they're at.
And I expect them to do the same in the Super Bowl.
But I very poorly, very poor execution on my part and very poor planning.
I'm actually going to be watching the first part of the Super Bowl in air coming back
to Kansas City from Galveston when the cruise is over the next day.
So it's going to be a first for me.
Super Bowl in a plane on my phone.
Will be interesting.
Yeah.
It better be a plane that offers Wi-Fi.
If not, I'm fucked.
Yeah, you will be.
So anyhow, that is my plan.
Wait, about the time we take off, it'd be about 10 minutes before the game.
So I'm thinking about the Red River.
I'm going to watch the kickoff.
Oh no, no, no, no.
That's Houston.
No, I, okay.
I stand corrected.
About the Texas Statue of Liberty, Sam Houston.
About the Sam Houston statue, North of Houston, I'll be watching the kickoff.
Hopefully.
So anyhow, let's see.
Well the game Detroit and San Francisco is tied up at 24.
Yeah, yeah.
It's getting to be a pretty good game.
The second half, San Francisco woke up.
Yeah.
Well, you know what?
They are probably the better team.
So anyhow, we're very happy the Chiefs have done it again.
And very happy to piss a lot of people off.
Yeah.
I've got to start this off.
We got a lot of stuff coming up in this program, including the start of round three of the
Harry Aso Olympics.
Round four.
Oh, it's round four.
Round four.
Okay, sorry.
Rob's got it.
I don't.
Okay, Rob is on it.
I'm not.
Okay, this is straight from Topher's desk.
I called him after the game and he had something that he wanted to convey out there.
And then I watched it because I came home right after the game was over.
I got home and I got to watch it, rewatch it, and fast forward through all Jake from
State Farm stuff.
So it was great.
Anyhow, I found out at work right before I left that the Chiefs had won.
And because the break room was going insane, so I kind of figured everyone's like screaming
and screaming.
I'm like, hmm, wonder what's...
No, I know what's going on.
So anyhow, I was kind of relieved.
And anyhow, people came out and started hugging everybody.
Hey, we did it again.
So anyhow, on the way home, I called Topher and discussed a couple of things with him.
And he has a straight from Topher's desk that he wants on this podcast.
And this happened during the game.
I came back and I started the game over and started watching it.
And this is early in the game.
There was a holding call.
And the crowd in Baltimore thought it was bullshit.
So they started chanting bullshit.
So all of a sudden you hear a clip.
All you hear is bullshit.
And you hear a clip.
And you hear a crowd noise, but no bullshit.
That is canned crowd noise that they put in there because they don't want their announcers,
their commentators having to scream over the audience.
And they probably kind of perfected this fake audience deal, maybe during COVID, because
remember there are piping in noises then.
Right, right.
Yeah.
And Topher brought this up.
And sure enough, you hear a boosh.
And then you hear crowd noise, but nothing.
But you could tell the clipping in it, it was a different crowd noise than what was
going on.
It was loud and crazy, but just slightly different to where you could tell when the clipping,
they clipped to a pre-recorded segment of the crowd noise.
That way they didn't have to air bullshit.
And Tony Romo and Jim Nance, they didn't have to ruin their voice.
I mean, Tony Romo's voice is bad enough.
So Topher wanted everyone aware of that.
It's early in the game.
It's the first holding call, I believe.
And anyhow, and it was on Baltimore, obviously.
And Baltimore didn't think so.
So anyhow, there it is.
So thank you for bringing it to our attention, Topher.
Yeah, yep, yep.
I've got some other straight-
I've got to stop my mid.
Well, I didn't say it at first, and I probably would have missed it if he wouldn't have suggested
it when I talked to him on the way home.
So anyhow, so we're happy.
Chief's going back to the Super Bowl.
Everything is right in the Kansas City world.
I guess we're going to be getting some crab cakes from Baltimore via our little trade
and our little bet there.
So yeah, so City Hall of Kansas City will be receiving crab cakes from Baltimore.
And I would need them.
I would imagine they asked them up.
Wouldn't you think?
I don't know.
Oh, come on.
They'd ask them up.
Yeah, but they'd have to do a little something, too.
Yeah, they're not going to let that fly.
Take our team out of the Super Bowl.
They're going to ass up every one of those crab cakes.
So anyhow, enjoy them, City Hall.
Enjoy them, Mayor Lucas.
Enjoy your assy crab cakes.
So I would like to start off with something interesting here.
We have been reporting we're big, big Mars fans, right?
Right, right.
And we've been constantly talking about the lawsuits and how we're on Mick's side and
he's got new music that's excellent out.
Well, before this, Mick recorded several songs with John Karabi, the replacement singer for
Vince Neil for one album.
And then they had to bring Vince back because the Motley Crue self-titled album flopped.
And I went to the tour.
And the Sandstone at the time, now I don't know what it is.
Sandstone Theater, Amphitheater in Bonner Springs, Kansas, holds about, would you say,
15 to 16 thousand, right?
Roughly, yeah.
Yeah, roughly.
There was barely three thousand people there.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
And I was in one of the suites.
A friend of mine had a suite.
Otherwise, I would went down the front row because they were letting everybody come up.
They're like, guys, come on, come on.
Everyone back there in the lawn.
They're like, you know, the guys are like motioning, come on, man, just get up here.
Because Motley Crue, I think, asked for it because that way they were kind of like, you
know, everybody bunching up.
It kind of be like a real crowd, you know.
So anyhow, everybody came up, but I was in the suite.
So I was like, I ain't doing this.
I'm going to stay in here and watch it.
Typo negative opened up.
So anyhow, John Karabi briefly lead singer Motley Crue.
Great album.
It just should have been called something else besides Motley Crue.
Agreed?
Right.
OK.
So it flopped and they had to bring Vince back.
So Mick Morris recorded several songs with John Karabi for a solo album.
This is quite a few years ago when he said he was going to do a solo album.
And I believe it's probably been about seven or eight years since he announced he was doing
a solo album.
And now that he's out of Motley Crue, he can do one.
So he is speaking about one particular song because he expressed that he was not going
to release any of the songs because he thought they were inferior quality.
He said that he got duped by somebody.
It wasn't John Karabi.
It was somebody else.
And he said, it's just not good music.
But there's one song.
In a recent interview with Chris Aiken Presents, Motley Crue guitarist Mick Morris was asked
if any of the songs he recorded seven years ago with former Motley Crue singer John Karabi
will eventually see the light of day.
He responded as transcribed by blabbermouth.net.
They are awesome.
There's maybe one song.
If I redid it, it's Give Me Blood, which would be perfect for like, say, wrestling.
But right now, I'm just going to kind of leave them where they are.
And one day if I decide to dig them out, then that's what will happen.
But right now, I'm on a whole different kind of a way of thinking, I guess.
Last month, Mick Morris addressed Karabi's absence from the guitarist's upcoming debut
album, The Other Side of Mars, telling, you know what, that's good enough.
So anyhow, I don't think anyone really gives a shit about who Mick Morris told it to first,
do they?
No, not really.
Okay.
Well, anyhow, there you go.
Mick Morris might release a song or two from that.
And I'm hoping because I'm a John Karabi fan.
And I was a John Karabi fan with Motley Crue's self-titled album, but I'll be the first to
admit it was not a Motley Crue album.
A Motley Crue album is what Vince Neil's, just like now with John V, it's not Motley
Crue.
So these elements in the band are so important that it has to be those four, otherwise it's
not Motley Crue.
So I'm a fan of that album, it's just I don't view it as Motley Crue, so I would love to
hear Mick Morris's music that he did with John Karabi.
I bet you it would be right up my alley and I bet you it would be something that I loved.
So anyhow, Rob, you got something you want to speak about?
Well, I have Rob's grassland roundup.
Okay, hang on.
Just take us a little break and we'll come back with your grassland roundup.
That sound good?
Yeah, it's gonna be a little late, human.
Okay.
All right, we'll be right back with Rob Radd's grassland roundup, bitches.
Hang tight.
Next up, Things Overheard in Hell.
Dishwater has the top 10 spots on Billboard Hot 100.
And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark.
Hmph, how do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
Huh, I may never know.
The apocalypse just happened.
You don't know what to do.
You don't know where to go.
But we can tell you what you can eat.
Hi all, this is Mark here.
I'm usually the one telling you what to eat during an apocalypse.
Well, this time I decided to go the other way.
You ever consider just going to ground zero and saying fuck it?
Do you really want to be the guy running around looking for radioactive deer, guessing whether
water is not contaminated or not?
No food, no shelter, no nothing.
Oh no, there's a strong argument that says, you know what, let's just go to ground zero
and see what's for us after.
Just a thought.
Next up, Things Overheard in Hell.
Spam.
With Spam Hopper tonight.
How yummy.
When taking a shower, remember to scrub your asshole with soapy water, because nobody likes
a stinky asshole.
Now, from this underground bunker in Camden in Missouri, stocked full of dried guts, canned
food, and a couple of vibrating toys, is ramblings of a madman featuring Rob Ratt.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong room.
Now we go to Rob Ratt's Rasslin' Roundup, the Rasslin' Rundown for the week.
All right, we are back.
Two douchebags and microphone, I'm Mark.
And I am Rob.
All right, welcome back.
Rob, the floor is yours.
All right.
Well last night, Saturday, was the WWE's 37th Annual Royal Rumble.
It took place in St. Petersburg, Florida, at the Tropicana Field.
There was 48,044 people in attendance.
Yeah, this was an awesome pay-per-view.
It really was.
Okay.
There was a lot of action, a lot of great talent, because in this one, they got to mix
Raw with SmackDown with NXT.
Oh, nice.
Plus, they had some other people come in from TNA and AEW.
Oh, it was great, man.
A lot of action.
It sounds like whoever took over, you said who took over for Vince McMahon and company.
Was it his daughter or something, or something like that you said?
It's actually Triple H runs it.
Well, he's doing a fantastic job, in my opinion.
Okay.
They have combined with, oh crap, who is it?
I can't remember the name.
Somebody else.
Now they're really building it.
Really building it.
Excellent.
They're getting a lot of talent back in, and a lot of new talent.
Some of this new talent is phenomenal.
Good.
Very athletic, very awesome, entertained.
Well, I mean, they've always incorporated the Japanese and the Mexican or Hispanic style.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
It's always been great.
The Japanese were more acrobatic, and the Mexican or Hispanic ones were... What would
you say?
They're Lucha Libre.
Yeah, Lucha Libre.
They're just fast, action-packed, high flying.
They're very good in their sequences.
They put everything into it.
It's nonstop.
It's fantastic to watch.
So, okay, so they're...
Yeah, that's where you get flying off the top row and all kinds of stuff.
Oh, I love it.
It's great.
Okay.
Well, to kick the show off, Pat McCaffey made a comeback.
The old football star...
Yeah, he's got a podcast that does really well.
Yeah.
Well, he came back to commentate once again.
Wow.
Okay.
He's been known in the WWE to come in and commentate.
He's even gotten into matches and stuff.
Okay, cool.
I was unaware.
That's cool.
Yeah.
Well, the first match of the evening was the 30-woman Royal Rumble match.
The way the match starts, it is two people enter the ring.
They start the match.
Every 90 seconds, a new wrestler comes in.
Oh.
Every 90 seconds.
Am, am, am.
Hunter Hirsat Hemsley, is he in charge of the scripts and all that?
Is he...
He is in charge of the daily operation.
He is the COO.
Okay.
Then I think he is doing a fantastic job just hearing what's going on.
So go ahead.
The way you get eliminated is you have to go over the top rope.
Oh, even better.
And your feet hit the floor.
Nice.
You could go over the top rope and catch yourself on the side of the ring and go back in.
But if your feet hit the floor, you're eliminated.
You're out.
You go home.
Okay.
The first two to enter the women's match, Natalia, which is Bret Hart's niece.
Didn't know that.
She was part of the Hart family.
Oh, I'll be damned.
And Naomi.
Naomi just came back.
She had went to TNA and she was under the name Trinity.
She gets also Jimmy Uso's wife.
Oh, wow.
She made a comeback.
Okay.
And she put on a show.
Cool.
And then the first one in after the match started was Bailey from Damage Control.
Okay.
And then as a surprise, the number 19 can't come, Nia Jax is back.
Big bad Nia Jax.
Oh, nice.
Yeah.
Great touch.
In 2019, Nia Jax competed in the men's and women's world rumble.
Oh.
In one night.
Wow.
She is all in one to ever do that.
That's one tough chick.
Oh, yeah.
She's a force to be reckoned with.
She's been known to hurt people.
Sounds like it.
And number 28 was Jade Cargill.
Okay.
She is, this was her first WWE match.
She is pretty much the number one star after female wrestling.
Wow.
Anybody that can sign her will.
Okay.
Yeah.
She came in, eliminated Nia Jax, which by the way, Nia Jax eliminated eight people while
she was in there.
Okay.
Wow.
Yeah.
She, like I said, she's a force.
She's going to get the title again, right?
Oh, yeah.
She'll be back.
Yeah.
Okay.
And then Liv Morgan returned after having shoulder surgery.
Shoulder surgery.
Yeah.
From injury by Rhea Ripley, the women's champion.
Okay.
Well, Bayley eliminated Liv Morgan for the win.
Bayley was in the match one hour, three minutes and three seconds.
Rob, I got a question really quick, really quick on a different note.
Did you, did you script this or are you doing this from just your memory?
Actually, I sat down and watched the whole pay-per-view today and took notes.
I knew it.
I could, I could tell.
Go ahead.
Yeah.
These are the violent, violent things I took just from watching the match.
I'm telling you, it really helps you as a podcaster.
It really does.
Okay.
Anyhow, go ahead.
Sorry.
And that allows Bayley to go on to WrestleMania to face Rhea Ripley for the women's championship.
Nice.
Okay.
Second match of the evening.
It was a fatal four-way match.
Okay.
It was 14-time world champion Randy Orton.
He's still around?
Yeah.
He just came back.
Okay.
He had shoulder injuries too.
Okay.
Versus AJ Styles, the phenomenal one.
Yep.
Versus LA Knight.
Versus the universal heavyweight champion Roman Reigns, who has held the title for 1,245
days.
Wow.
Three and a half years.
That's a long time to have a title.
The thing is, all three of these other stars, Randy Orton, AJ Styles, and LA Knight, have
been taken out by the bloodline, which is Roman Reigns and his family.
Yeah, because they're cousins.
They look a lot alike too.
Yeah, they do.
Solo Sakoa, one of his cousins, stole the match and Randy Orton, he'd come in and pull
the ref out of the ring.
Oh, that old gang.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
Then he took out LA Knight and AJ Styles and Randy Orton.
Yeah.
But Roman Reigns ended up being in AJ Styles for the win and retained his title.
You see, I like AJ Styles.
I wouldn't mind seeing him do it.
He is becoming a lone wolf.
You did not see his friends tonight.
He's been kind of distancing himself.
He stokes it in on the title.
Well, I would like to see him get it myself.
There's something about him that is really believable that I really like.
Do you feel the same way?
Me too.
Okay.
Third match of the evening.
It was Kevin Owens versus Logan Paul for the United States Championship.
Okay.
With Logan Paul Holtz.
I'm kind of unfamiliar with these two.
Okay.
Kevin Owens is a Canadian who has wrestled all his life.
Logan Paul started out as a YouTuber.
He's only been wrestling for a year and a half.
Wow.
And he holds the title.
He keeps getting handed matches.
So Kevin Owens is a little upset over it.
Okay.
All the official rules.
It was a submission or a pinfall.
Kevin Owens ends up being the first person to kick out of Logan Paul's right hand punch,
which his hand is made out of titanium.
Oh, wow.
So yeah.
So you got to watch out for his right hand.
And Kevin Owens actually kicked out of it.
And then a bunch of other wrestlers come down and started messing around.
Austin Theory slipped Logan Paul brass knuckles.
Kevin Owens got the brass knuckles from him and hit Logan Paul with them and went for
the pin, but the ref spotted the knuckles on Kevin Owens' hand.
So Kevin Owens got disqualified.
Oh, wow.
Well, it's not the first time Logan Paul has used these brass knuckles, especially on Kevin
Owens.
Okay.
This is kind of payback.
Okay.
And then the final match of the night.
Uh-huh.
The men's 30-man battle royal.
I should have guessed.
Winner of this match has the choice of taking on either Seth Rollins or Roman Reigns for
their title at WrestleMania.
Wow.
Okay.
Seth Owens what title?
Oh, which one is it?
Roman Reigns is the world championship.
I forget.
Okay.
That's fine.
Roman Reigns is the universe or the oh shit.
See, you got me in a blank here.
That's okay.
You know what?
People look it up.
Roman Reigns is the predominant one.
He is the most prolific and the longest.
Yeah.
They take two titles, turn it into one.
Yeah.
So well to start off this match, it was a shocker.
Okay.
It was Jey Uso versus his brother Jimmy Uso.
Oh.
Which Jey Uso has left the bloodline.
He went to Monday Night Raw and Jimmy Uso is still with Roman Reigns in the bloodline.
They're twins.
So they've been kind of waiting to get their hands on each other.
And then at number 20 there was a shocker.
A gentleman named Blonde Blake.
Okay.
Who happens to be the legendary Scott Steiner's son.
I love all these bloodline stuff that they're doing.
This is really cool.
Well, here's one note.
Okay.
When Blonde, they clapped him.
When Blonde hit the ring, slid under the ropes, he was traveling at 23 mile an hour.
Wow.
Yeah, he was.
You see.
He's a beast.
You allow me to interject something here, Rob?
Something that I've noticed.
Okay.
The WWE in particular is doing something I think is incredibly genius.
Okay.
I'll give you an example in NFL.
Christian McCaffrey is, I forgot his first name, so-and-so McCaffrey that played for
Denver.
His son, okay.
Christian McCaffrey plays for San Francisco.
Very, very good player.
Dominant player.
Patrick Mahomes.
His dad was a pitcher for the Texas Rangers and a couple other teams.
I forgot what.
His son grew up being a ball boy and around this stuff and is probably the best quarterback
in the league.
They're kind of taking that.
They're taking these super kids that were raised by these super athletes and letting
them loose in it, which I think is a fantastic idea.
Yeah.
A lot of these superstars are like second and third generation.
Yeah.
I think this is excellent.
But then you have other people like seven foot three, 412 pound Nigerian Omos.
Last time he was, last year's, or the last little rubble he was in, it took six men to
put him over the top rope.
Wow.
Yeah.
Him and Brom Breaker had quite a few battles during this.
And then entrance number 22 was a shocker.
They announced Pat McCaffrey.
So he actually got up, got in the ring.
He's still in shape.
And he was, well, he got in the ring and he was being stared down by Omos and Brom Breaker.
Oh, they're ready to get the podcast guy, weren't they?
He climbed up over the rope and got on out thirds, thought about getting down, climbed
back in, looked at him again, said, no, went over the rope, took the floor.
He eliminated himself.
He was in for 23 seconds.
You know, that is also brilliant.
That's also brilliant, Rob.
Pat McCaffrey is the hottest thing on earth right now with the Aaron Rodgers comments
and him coming on his show every week and saying outlandish shit.
And I mean, Pat McCaffrey is the biggest he's ever been right now.
He's got a huge podcast and he's becoming quite a star.
And that's a great idea to interject him into this.
Right, right.
Well, I read a report after this and he said he did not know this was going to happen.
He did not know he was going to be called to the ring.
Wow.
That's even better.
He got up there and looked at him and was like, ah.
No wonder he got the hell out of there.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, right after he jumped out of there, Braum Breaker eliminated Omos.
And as he was finishing eliminating Omos, Dominic Mysterio came over and eliminated
Braum Breaker.
Okay.
Also, also for the first time in 10 years, CM Punk made his first televised match.
Oh, wow.
He hasn't been around for a while, has he?
No, he, I think he went to AEW.
Oh, okay.
AEW or TNA, one of the other.
That's where he's been.
Okay.
Yeah, he's been gone for 10 years, WWE.
Okay.
Jey Uso lasted 50 minutes and 50 seconds.
Wow.
It come down to CM Punk and Cody Rhodes.
It was a hell of a battle.
Something you should watch.
CM Punk said, CM Punk said, Cody Rhodes over his shoulders and was going to give him one
last go to sleep.
And Cody Rhodes said, or not Cody, CM Punk said, I did not wait 10 years to lose to Dusty's
kids.
Oh.
As he went for his finishing move, Cody countered the move and through CM Punk out of the ring,
Cody Rhodes wins the Royal Rumble.
Wow.
And at the end, Cody Rhodes chose Roman Reigns.
He wants to finish his story.
Awesome.
And also, by watching all these people together, all the different matches, there's going to
be a lot more stories built out of just that one paper.
All the different people now have these, hey, you eliminate me, you know.
There's going to be a lot more matches.
It is fantastic writing and fantastic ideas that have led to this.
They are back in the big way.
Good for them.
All right.
Let's take our second break and then we're going to totally switch gears and go to the
hairy asshole Olympics.
How does that sound?
Sounds good.
All right.
I got my boys revved up.
They're all oiled and they're ready to fucking win.
All right.
We'll be right back.
All right.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarious.
You have the personality of a soggy newspaper.
Somewhere in the heavens, your great Grammy Gertrude is crying because her little Bebo
is listening to this film.
Hey, look, I think we found land.
Oh my God.
I think we're safe.
Oh no.
It's the island of horrible jokes.
What do you call a factory that just makes okay products?
A Satis factory.
And now deep thoughts with Mark.
Two douchebags in a microphone.
More entertaining than a ruptured spleen.
You need protection from fucktards.
You have people coming and fucking with you constantly.
You need answers.
You need solutions.
Smack in the nuts.
That's right.
Smack in the nuts is what you need.
Smack in the nuts.
Get rid of said losers in no time flat.
Smack in the nuts.
Available everywhere, wherever you buy self-defense items.
They weren't just a few testimonials.
They were a few
testimonials from some satisfied customers.
Stupid fucksack come to me.
He talk stupid.
He no let me go.
Smell like sack of shit.
He speak talk all over.
I remember smacking balls.
I use shit sack.
Shit sack lie on ground.
I walk off.
Thank you smacking the balls.
You saved me from.
Smelly smelly spit.
Well I had this stupid son of a bitch come around me.
He would not shut his fucking yap for nothing.
He gets up on me and he talks all stupid.
And I didn't know what to do.
I could not shake this motherfucker like a burger.
Then I remember smacking the nuts.
I pulled out old smack in the nuts.
And that motherfucker went down like a sack of fucking potatoes.
Thank you smacking the nuts.
You saved me once again from stupid motherfuckers.
Smacking the nuts.
Don't leave home without it.
Two douche bags and microphone on Mark.
And I am Rob.
Alright like promised.
I do have one other note.
Oh okay go ahead.
About the wrestler.
Okay.
The next pay per view will be a licent elimination chamber.
It will be in Perth Australia at the Optimus Stadium February 24th.
Cool.
Thank you Rob.
You're welcome.
Alright.
Well shall we get to the hairy asshole Olympics.
We've been waiting a long time for this.
Yeah.
I'm actually kind of scared.
My boys are all oiled up and they're ready to fucking go dude.
Alright.
I brought some new ones but I brought some old ones that I have some faith in.
You know what that's fine because they may win.
You never know.
That's a good thing about the hairy asshole Olympics that we discussed is we have save
cards.
We each have a save card.
We can save one.
And we also have.
Do we agree to two wild cards or one?
I say one.
Okay one wild card that you can throw in against anybody.
So if you're afraid your guy is going to lose you can throw in your ace in the hole whoever
that might be and go up against said guy.
So okay and what this is is we're estimating who has the hairier asshole and we're putting
them off against each other.
So without any fear.
One band.
Yeah in one band.
Yep.
Okay.
My first one here.
Captain Caveman.
That's funny because my first one is Bullwinkle.
That one might have to go to Topher.
Wow.
Right off the bat.
You want to send it to Topher?
Yeah I think we're going to have to.
Yeah.
Alright.
Bullwinkle lives in a, yeah.
Ain't no way he wipes.
But there ain't no way Captain Caveman wipes either.
No I know.
You got me.
I couldn't find a weakness on either one.
Wow.
This is going to be more interesting than I thought I guess.
You know what?
We had a long time to think about it and this is what we do.
Yeah.
Okay the next one.
Pigpen.
I got John Oates.
John Oates from Hall and Oates?
Yes.
I don't remember him being that hairy.
Oh yes sir.
Pigpen was really dirty and scruffy.
Yeah.
I'm going to say Pigpen not because he's my guy but I just think he'd be hairier.
Yeah.
No you're right.
You're right.
Okay.
Alright.
Don't we hurt down.
I'm smoking a cigar.
I'm sorry.
Alright.
Next one I got.
Duluth Trading Cartoon Guy.
I had to bring him back.
You brought him back.
I had to.
I love that guy and you loved him too.
Yes I did.
And my next opponent is Tom Wopat, Luke Dooh.
Tom Wopat.
He did have a hairy chest didn't he?
Yes he did.
The Luke Trading Guy is definitely hairy.
I got to go Duluth.
Okay.
I got to.
Alright.
Here we go.
Alright.
Next one up.
Jerry Garcia.
Burt Reynolds.
Oh.
I think Burt takes that.
Burt without a doubt.
Yeah I think so too.
Yep.
Alright.
Jerry Garcia.
You can go back to being dead.
We're sorry to bother you.
My next one I'm really proud of dude.
Chris Stapleton.
Oh damn.
That guy is as hairy as they come dude.
Well.
I can't believe we left him out.
My next one is Terry Bradshaw.
Chris Stapleton.
Although I do love Terry Bradshaw but not against Chris Stapleton.
Alright no you're right.
You're right Chris Stapleton takes that one.
Next one is Don Stark.
And if you want to know who Don Stark is.
You ever watch that set?
I know who he is.
Okay.
Explain.
Okay.
It's that 70's show.
It's Donna's dad.
The guy with the horrible perm and he used to have his chest unbuttoned with chest hair
poking out everywhere.
Yep.
That is Don Stark.
Well I have Robin Williams.
Oh.
I don't know.
Okay Robin Williams is very hairy.
So is Don Stark.
Yes.
Hmm.
Want to send that to Topher?
Actually.
I think I'm going to have to give it to Don Stark.
Alright.
I think he slightly edges in.
If it was a better guy he would have a harder time bending over the white.
Oh great point Rob.
Thank you.
Yep.
Yeah.
You just solved it for me.
That does it.
Cool.
Um.
Next one up.
Dennis Rodman.
Denver Pile.
Denver Pile wins.
Because it's kind of hard to tell if Dennis Rodman has a whole lot of asshole hair.
He's so weird he might wax it.
You know what?
I'll win this weird ass.
Yeah.
So I think mine is less provable than Denver Pile so I'm going to have to probably go with
Denver Pile.
What do you think?
Alright.
Dennis Rodman thank you for competing.
Go back to being an obnoxious asshole at Ocean Manor Resort in Fort Lauderdale.
And I say that because I watched him in action down there.
Tool bag in my opinion.
I know you have.
Yeah.
I get it.
When you come up I've got to show you the pictures I have of him.
I got some pretty good ones.
It's all he was fucked up.
He constantly walked around with a cigar.
But he never lit it.
The next day there's like ten cigars.
His was like a Don Thomas or a Don Corona or something like that.
It's a very distinct guitar.
Not guitar but a cigar with a white band.
There's like ten of them around the Tiki Hut.
So he'd leave one and then grab another one and not light it.
Anyhow I was afraid to touch it.
I was like oh my god those lips have been on it no fucking way.
Yep.
Alright.
Next one.
Santa Claus.
His hairy fucking ass.
Well I have a next.
Zach Galifianakis.
Probably Zach.
Wow.
Want to send it to Topher?
Yeah let's send that one to Topher.
That is so close.
I don't think I can call it.
Okay my next one.
Bob Ross.
I have for some reason this guy everywhere I turned today kept jumping out at me.
Okay.
Yeah Mark Ruffalo.
Where's he from?
What would he be known for?
Give me a second.
Maybe I'll just look him up.
Mark Ruffalo.
Let's see here.
Okay it looks like we're going to be playing the 49ers first thing I got.
Okay.
Mark Ruffalo.
Okay.
Four chains.
Thirteen going on thirty.
Now you see me.
All the light we cannot see.
The Avengers.
Dark Waters.
Again and again.
He's been in quite a few movies.
Okay.
He's been a very hairy guy.
And where I turned I was seeing pictures of him.
So I had to throw him back in.
Okay I'm going to go with Mark Ruffalo too.
Or at least that's my vote.
And here's why.
Bob Ross he had like a lot of hair on his head.
But he never really had.
He was always in that pose you know painting.
So I can't really prove how much hair he might or might not have.
So I think because it's unprovable so much that probably Mark Ruffalo we can probably
prove that he does have a lot of hair.
Well plus Bob Ross is always sitting down painting too.
Yeah.
Yeah that's what I'm saying.
It's really hard to actually prove how much hair.
Okay.
Okay Ruffalo wins.
Next one and not when he was on his late night show but afterwards.
David Letterman.
That guy is a hairy son of a bitch now.
He's got a beard like down to his elbows.
I know.
And my next one is John Morris.
Hmm.
I don't know.
Go ahead.
I don't know man.
I don't know.
I'm going with Letterman at a slight edge because his beard is so full.
I think you're right.
His beard game is A+.
After the show he definitely let himself go.
Yeah I mean his beard game is A+.
I gotta give him that just because of the beard game.
Yeah.
Alright David Letterman it is.
Alright my musician.
Oh no no.
The next one that I have is Rick Rubin.
The producer for a lot of.
How many did you pick?
I went with ten.
Oh was that ten?
Oh okay.
Alright sorry I miscounted.
Okay my musician is John Karabi.
And he has a whole beard game.
I just went with a band.
Well I mean John Karabi can be a band.
I mean he has a band play with him.
I watched his solo.
I don't know who they are.
But he has a band so.
Well the band I chose is Three Dog Night.
Okay.
Maybe Three Dog Night because you got several of them that have a lot of hair against one
John Karabi who has a ton of hair.
What do you think?
They got all that 70's going yeah.
Okay.
Beards everything yeah they were.
Okay alright here's what I have.
Captain Caveman against who was he against?
Bullwinkle.
Bullwinkle hang on I gotta write that down.
Bullwinkle goes to Topher.
Pig Pen won the second.
Who beat Duluth Trading Guy?
Oh no Duluth Trading Guy won.
Tom Wopat.
Yeah Duluth Trading Guy won.
Okay.
Yep.
Jerry Garcia lost to who?
Donald Reynolds.
Don Stark beat Robin Williams.
Okay.
Chris Stapleton beat Terry Bradshaw.
Okay.
That Galifianakis and Santa Claus is going to Topher.
Okay.
Denver Pyle beat Dennis Rodman, Mark Ruffalo beat Ross and David Letterman beat John Morrison.
Okay.
Okay his name is Mark Ruffalo is that it?
Mark Ruffalo R-U-F-S-A-L-O.
Okay and then who beat Santa Claus?
Zach Galifianakis and Santa Claus is going to Topher also.
Okay.
We have two going to Topher.
Okay and then who beat Dennis Rodman?
Denver Pyle.
Okay.
Okay I'll send those off to Topher a little bit later and we'll see who gets the tie breakers.
Very well the Harry Assel Olympics is starting out hot and heavy already isn't it?
Yeah.
Fucking awesome.
Let's see what can we go into here?
Oh St. Charles Illinois.
A deputy in the West Suburbs recently delivered, this is the suburbs of Chicago if anyone doesn't
know, I mean way out there.
Okay a deputy in the West Suburbs recently delivered a food order after the delivery
driver was arrested.
The King County Sheriff posted a video on Facebook showing the deputy dropping off the
food at a home on Wednesday at St. Charles.
Before the delivery he had to arrest a door dash delivery driver.
He said he wanted to complete the order so no one went hungry.
That's pretty neat isn't it?
Yeah.
And here's my question though Rob, did the prisoner get the tip or did the cop?
The cop did the work.
Yeah that's the question.
Yeah I mean they didn't say whether they handed him money or put it, you know if that was
me, the door dash, I'd put a zero on the tip on that because that would go to the prisoner.
I would hand like the cop ten bucks for being such a good guy and getting my food to me.
See I think the cop should have got the tip because he's the one that went out of his
way.
He didn't have to.
He could have been like well too bad you know we're going to eat your sandwiches now because
sucks to be you but your guy did something wrong and he's going to jail.
So anyhow, cool story.
Oh I gotta mention this really quick.
Next podcast we have Valentine's Day cards that didn't make it.
These are cards that they tried, they tried to introduce to the public and they failed.
So that will be on the next podcast and you do want to hear it.
There are really interesting cards there you could imagine right if Jeffy X is involved.
I'm surprised with his bat suit and the Sergeant Pepper outfit he even had time to do this.
You know?
Alright Rob you got something you want to go to?
Yeah I have the top six states that produce the most beef and cattle.
Okay.
Coming in at number six is Kansas with 1.3 million head of cattle.
Very believable.
Next at number five is South Dakota with 1.6 million head of cattle.
Wow I wouldn't have guessed them but I guess there is a bunch of ranchers.
I mean there are a bunch of ranchers up there so I guess so and there's a lot of land and
virtually not very many people.
So okay.
Nebraska comes in at number four with 1.7 million.
You see I thought Nebraska would be number one or two because Nebraska is very famous
for their beef and there's a meat packing company that sells all over the Kansas City
area and I've seen them in Denver and Oklahoma City and Dallas.
Nebraska beef packing company is huge.
So anyhow go ahead.
Okay coming in at number three is Missouri with 1.9 million.
I believe it.
If we quit selling our farm land off to foreign interest we'll remain there.
There is a bill in the Missouri House though.
There is a bill that they introduced that it's not going to be so easy to sell your
farm to out of country interests and there should have been one all along I think but
anyhow go ahead.
Okay coming in at number two is Oklahoma with 1.9 million.
You see that surprises me there because if you get over to western and southwestern Oklahoma
you can't raise anything there.
It's like sand and pretty much desert.
Right, right.
Yeah I've been down to the sand dunes.
The sand dunes are really freaky because.
Rail buggies and four wheelers.
That's pretty crazy.
Rob did you see this?
They since I think corrected it because they X'd off the areas but for quite a while there
was a lot of people dying in their dune buggies because they had those old strip mining pits.
Yeah.
And people would fly over those hills and go straight into the strip mine and they're
hundreds of feet down and they would die of course because they couldn't get out.
Yeah that happened quite a bit and anyhow I think they have it all fenced off the bad
areas now but quite a few people died before they got a handle on it.
So anyhow go ahead.
Coming in at number one and this is quite a jump from number two.
Oklahoma have 1.9 million.
Texas has 12 million.
You see I can believe that because you've been to Texas right?
Yes, yes.
Their ranches down there go for hundreds of miles some of them.
They are huge.
Oh my gosh.
Yeah they are like almost their own little city.
They have all these little subsidiary buildings where they help stay in.
It's crazy so I can definitely believe that because our ranches in Missouri are probably
what?
Maybe 300 acres, 400 acres.
Every now and then you get a thousand acres but you don't get those huge ones like Texas
has.
And they also like to raise their longhorn beef which is beef.
Great article there and I guess it's not that far off from what I thought it would be.
Right, right.
Okay I've got one more little article here and then we're going to go ahead and call
it a night because we're coming up against it.
On sport.com, sport, S-P-O-R-K-E-D, what Reese's candy you are according to your zodiac sign?
Ares is a Reese's peanut butter snack size cup.
Now I don't know how they got these.
I don't know if they did it.
They didn't say anything about doing a survey but this is what sport.com says your zodiac
sign is if you were a Reese's peanut butter cup.
It was something weird, Rob.
I was like you know what, I'm going to cover this just because it's out of nowhere.
Yeah, why not?
Let's see, a Taurus and not a Ford Taurus, a Reese's creamy butter cup.
Next one, a Gemini.
A Reese's big cup stuffed with chunks of milk chocolate which would be my favorite.
Too bad that's not a Scorpio.
That would be something I would freaking love right there.
That sounds great to me.
Leo is a Reese's pumpkin cup.
I feel sorry for Leos.
I would not want to be a pumpkin cup, would you?
No.
Sorry Leos, I did not do this.
This is sport.com.
They're the ones that say you're a Reese's pumpkin cup.
I'm not saying it.
I'm just delivering the bad news, guys.
Yep.
Virgo, Reese's Pieces.
Now that's a good one too.
Virgo got a really good one.
That would be my mom.
Okay.
Well, I know she's not doing so well, but I mean if you have a cognizant moment, let
her know.
She's Reese's Pieces according to sport.com.
She's small.
Oh, there you go.
I guess they hit that one right on, didn't they?
Yeah.
All right.
A Libra is Reese's Take Five, which is a great, great, great candy bar.
Have you had one?
Yes, I have.
Scorpio, my sign.
What's your sign, Rob?
Pieces.
Okay, that's coming up.
Oh, no, no, no.
Did I do that yet?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
You're a Reese's Take Five, which is great.
Scorpio is a Reese's Frankencup.
I have no idea what that is.
Have you ever seen a Frankencup?
I'm guessing it's a Halloween birdie.
Oh, okay.
And Scorpio.
Frankenstein.
Okay.
We're October and November, late October.
Okay.
All right.
I guess so.
I could agree with that.
Sagittarius is a Reese's Marshmallow Top.
So this is, I had time to look that one up, and it's a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup with
Marshmallow Top on top of it.
Okay.
The next one, Capricorn, is Reese's Bunnies.
And I think we all know what the Reese's Bunnies are, right?
Yeah.
Yep.
Aquarius is Reese's Dipped Pretzels.
Okay.
Twisted.
I like chocolate.
See that?
Yep.
I'm kidding.
But anyhow, the article did not print who's Reese's Chocolate Lovers.
So whoever I left off, you're the Chocolate Lovers.
I can't believe it printed off everything except the last one, and it only printed off
the Chocolate Lovers.
It didn't print off who the hell that is.
So whoever I left off, you guys are Chocolate Lovers.
So Reese's Chocolate Lovers.
So anyhow, there's your worthless information for today.
So anyhow.
And the 49ers have defeated the Lions 34-31.
So it's going to be 49ers and the Chiefs.
So while I'm in there, hopefully I have Wi-Fi, I will be watching the first half of that
game.
And Rob will be watching it because he's smarter than me.
He's going to be watching it in his own home.
Yeah, but you're the one that gets to go on a cruise.
Okay.
You know what?
Touche.
That's worth it.
Yeah.
Okay.
All right.
You got me on that one.
So.
All right.
Everybody have a great night.
Thank you for joining us again.
I'm going to whip this podcast out really quick because this is time-sensitive because
of the championship games and I want you guys to have it tonight.
So.
And then the one we recorded the other day will go after this and I have no idea what's
on there because I have a short-term memory or I don't have a short-term memory.
I have a long-term memory.
I'll remember something from 30 years ago or 10 years ago, but if it happened yesterday,
I don't have a clue.
So anyhow, thank you.
Have a good night.
Good night everybody.
Hey.
Where did everybody go?
Where are the douchebags?
Oh my god.
Someone took a dump in the corner.
Oh geez.
Glad they're gone.
Let's just hope they don't come back.
Man, that smell.
Oh man, that smells.