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Two douchebags and a microphone, I'm Mark.
And I am Rob.
Alright, how you doing Rob?
I'm doing pretty good. Other than this damn misty ass weather we're in.
It's just, it's miserable. It's cold but not crazy cold, which we appreciate after the weather that we have had, you know the 30 blow bullshit.
But it's been foggy and misty the whole, for quite a while.
Yeah, I mean it's just been really, really, really miserable. It's like real foggy and you can't see very far and it's real chilly.
And we haven't seen the sun in how many days now?
Oh man, it's been a few, yeah.
Oh well.
And we're miles apart.
Yeah, but it's been like that I guess all around this part in the Midwest.
So, anyhow, I got a little story here I thought was pretty cool.
Go for it.
Okay, an escaped kangaroo was captured after punching a Canadian officer.
A kangaroo that escaped his handlers during transport to his new home was captured Monday eastern Toronto after a weekend in the wild.
But not before delivering a punch to the officer during the capture.
The female kangaroo hopped over her handlers late on Thursday during a rest stop at the Oshawa Zoo and farm in Ontario.
And then when they tried to capture her, she hit the officer right in the face and the video footage is hilarious.
Look it up if you get a chance.
Not if you're the officer, but if you're watching it, it's funny.
I mean this kangaroo did not fuck around.
It just smacked him right in the nose.
I always love watching ambulance jack up people.
Me too.
So yeah, so anyhow, that was interesting stuff.
Anyhow, another story that's completely unrelated is a new trend in the states and also in the world is renaming a club or a bar gym.
GYM, like a gym.
That way people can keep their New Year's resolutions.
You can go to the gym.
Yes, you say I'm going to go to the gym twice a week.
And there's a bar down the road called gym.
GYM.
So you go to that bar and you're on your, you can tell everybody.
I kept my New Year's resolution all year.
I went to the gym twice a week like I said I was going to.
So.
Why haven't I ever thought of that?
I know it's brilliant isn't it?
Damn it.
I've always wanted to know about my own bar.
I thought I'd be good at it.
Honestly.
I mean, people just go in there to check in at the gym, you know.
Right.
Yeah.
So anyhow, in related stories, the Jackson County Jail has been renamed the low cost bill bonds store.
Really?
Yeah, no, not really.
Oh.
Okay, Walmart has kicked around an idea to rename some stores as fast and friendly and clean.
And then they decided to maybe, maybe rename the self checkout to every other item free.
Starbucks has had an idea to possibly name its stores as coffee hut budget coffees.
I got you.
Boeing and Mc, Boeing and McDonnell Douglas was going to be renamed fly right quality aircrafts.
But I guess, I guess they didn't do that yet.
The Buffalo Bills, the Buffalo Bills are contemplating changing their name to the Buffalo Almost.
That was my favorite, the Buffalo Almost.
And Tesla was pitching a possible name change to not very practical motors.
Joey Burrow was thinking of filing for a name change.
He's going to name himself injury reserve.
And that would be fitting.
That would be very fitting.
And Tony Romo has been asked to rename himself gravel throat.
Oh, that is so fitting.
Yes, yes.
Anyhow, interesting little article there.
I mean, I love naming the gym, you know, the bar gym.
So anyhow.
Oh yeah, I love that one.
Like I said, I'm surprised I hadn't thought of that by now.
Yeah, that's a great idea.
So let's see, I think there's one more, but I got to find it.
There's one more name change.
And let's see here.
You know what, I can't find it.
I am like, I am, I am like not prepared today and I thought I was going to be.
Oh, I'm telling you dude.
Yeah, my evening was a little short.
So I was rushing.
That's why I told you, you may have given me a few minutes, but I made it under the box.
Well, I was not feeling well last night and I'm feeling better today, but I'm kind of spacey.
And I didn't have anything together because I've just been kind of spacey all day.
Just been a weird day.
Right.
You know, I took a COVID test.
That's fine.
I mean, I just don't know.
It was like a little sniffle thing or something.
But yesterday I was really feeling horrible and I was like really kind of hacking too much to actually do a podcast.
And today it's just like I'm trying to play catch up on everything.
So anyhow, forgive me.
Like I, like I, when we were talking last night, I told you, influenza A is going around right now.
Well, thank God it's not that because if I had that, I would not be doing this podcast right now.
So I'm very, I'm very happy.
It wasn't that.
But like I said, it slowed me down today and made me spacey just enough to where I have some stuff laid out for the podcast.
But when I got here, it was like starting over.
I couldn't remember.
That's why I started into some weird shit like the kangaroo.
I was like, what the hell was I going to start it on?
And as the first story I could see him like, oh shit.
It worked.
It worked. So yeah. So Rob, you got anything you want to get to?
Yeah. Yeah.
Okay.
I've always wondered this and I think a lot of people have.
Okay.
Have you ever noticed how McDonald's Coca-Cola tastes different than any other Coca-Cola?
It is. It's better than any other Coca-Cola.
And there's a lot of reasons. I know what they are.
But go ahead and tell people because I bet you most people don't know why it tastes better.
Right. And I ran across this story yesterday on another internet site.
But then I had run across again today and this is off I Heart Radio internet.
Oh wow. Well, McDonald's Coca-Cola is the best tasting.
It's popped up in my news.
Their Coca-Cola is the best tasting Coca-Cola ever.
That is, it's so good. Anyhow, tell everybody how they do it.
And this is why. What makes it taste better in comparison to the Coca-Cola served at other fast food chains?
Customers around the world have been asking this question for decades.
If you've tried McDonald's Coca-Cola, you know exactly what we're talking about.
And now we have the answer.
According to people, McDonald's recently revealed why their Coca-Cola tastes crisper and refreshing and just all around better than the rest.
And I think that's the other article I read yesterday.
Well, okay. Real quick, let me clarify something here.
It was released by an employee quite a while ago.
And McDonald's had to come back and eventually release it themselves to act like they meant to.
That's what I got out of it.
Because I read it on the internet quite a while ago.
And anyhow, it was like employees were like giving away their secrets.
But anyhow, go ahead.
Well, this is how it starts.
Many fast food joints get their Coca-Cola syrup delivered in plastic bags.
But McDonald's receives its shipments in stainless steel tanks.
The special treatment can be traced back to an agreement made in 1955 between McDonald's creator Ray Kroc and the owner of Coca-Cola.
As you can see, the fast food restaurant chain has an advantage against competitors before the product is even prepared.
Now the process...
Okay, so McDonald's has their syrup shipped in fancy containers, but that can't be it, right?
It's part of it, but also the... Oh, sorry, go ahead.
The global fast food empire prides itself in cleaning their soda fountains with filtered water versus tap water.
This increases and holds the quality of the syrup and the carbonation of the cola as it runs through the machine.
People mention that the filtered water and Coca-Cola syrup are pre-chilled before being put into the fount machine.
The chain will even add extra syrup after the entire process is complete to ensure the perfect ratio of syrup to frozen water when the ice is added to the drink.
And here's the details. Just when you thought the fountain drink couldn't get any more complex, McDonald's swooped in with the straw width.
Yes, we are officially discussing the width of the straws now.
It might seem like such a minor detail, but clearly it makes a difference.
The fast food chain straws are wider than straws found at their competitors' locations, so the Coke taste can hit your taste buds more efficiently.
Yep.
That's why it tastes so much different.
Yeah. Another place I think it does that is Quick Trips. The QUICK Quick Trip up here around Kansas City. Well, they're in quite a few places now.
The one I'd love to add one of.
Yeah, yeah. I believe they do the stainless steel things too, if what I read is correct.
But also another thing that Coca-Cola does is not only do they have them in those old fashioned stainless steel, they look like kegs almost.
Yeah.
They never got rid of them there. Everywhere else has these bags that have cardboard around them and they look like little boxes.
You can stack them easy and you can click them on real easy when you run out. Everyone else does that, but McDonald's never got rid of those little keg looking things.
They always kept them. And also it comes in a refrigerated truck and the refrigeration of the syrup never gets under 40 degrees or over 45 degrees or something like that.
That's another thing.
Yeah.
Like you said, the cleaning with the filtered water. And also they add that extra syrup to compensate for the ice, yes.
But there's something else that they did too. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
The temperature that the Coca-Cola is coming out of the fountain at is like 35 degrees. It is the coldest temperature you can get without it starting to get ice chunks in it.
Oh damn.
Yeah.
See that I did not know. That I did not know.
Well, to me.
I did not know none of this, but I mean it explained it to me and I figured everybody else would want to know.
No, no, no. I bet you most people don't know. This is just something that like I was interested in and took a liking to find out about.
Most people don't care. You know, they just go McDonald's and go, man, that's a good taste of Coke. And then they go on.
So, yeah, that's very interesting. And I'm glad that you did that story, Rob, because now a lot of people will know what all is.
Yeah.
Yeah. So.
And another little helpful hint. You want your soda to taste better? Use a McDonald's straw.
Yeah, they're wider. They're wider in the round.
Well, yeah, you get more punch in, you know.
Well, have you noticed all these other fast food chains and not so fast food chains and stores and stuff started switching to either like paper straws or some sort of a different straw?
McDonald's has never changed their straw.
They went smaller.
Yeah. McDonald's has never changed their straw once. So that'll tell you something right there.
Yeah, they they're afraid to because they know it'll hurt their product.
So.
Anyhow, interesting. Let's go ahead and take our first break and I'm going to come back with a story about some of the weirdest things found in drains by plumbers.
That sound OK?
No, it sounds awesome.
It's pretty cool. All right. We'll talk to you guys in a minute.
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And I'm Rob.
Alright. Well, Rob, like I said just a little bit ago before we went to a break.
There's been odd stuff that plumbers have found in pipe drains.
And they did a little survey and they found out the ones in the UK and the ones in America and what weird things they found.
And what were the most popular weird items that they found.
So I am wanting to hear this. This is going to be interesting.
It is, Waven UK, one of Britain's largest manufacturers of plastic drainage pipes, surveyed plumbers for the oddest items found in a drain pipe.
Probably the oddest that they found and probably no one could ever know the reason of how it ended up in a drain pipe.
And I don't even know how it's possible for this to end up in a drain pipe, but it did.
A two man tent with a sleeping bag.
And I'm not joking.
What?
Yes, I'm not joking. You look this up. Look it up on Google.
Was this in a house drain pipe?
As far as I know, a house or an apartment drain pipe.
Well, that would be a four inch line.
I know.
Wow.
I mean, did they disassemble it and they just like put the...
It doesn't show pictures, but it is online. You can look this up.
It's been vetted that this really happened.
The only thing I can think of is like, you know, the tent poles went in first maybe.
And then like maybe the...
You know what? I don't know how it happened, but it happened somehow.
The next one that was odd.
But I could see this one actually, you know, Lego bricks.
The next one?
Oh yeah. Yeah, I've had kids. I have a grandson.
Yeah, that's odd, but not so odd. I can see how that was...
Yeah, that's actually kind of normal.
Another odd one that they found was rubber ducks.
Yeah, you know what? I could see that going down a drain pipe and like maybe a bathtub.
Wrong water hole.
Yeah. Yeah, very much.
Should be in the tub, not the toilet.
Yeah, yeah, yep. So I don't know. Maybe the kid thought he was going to take a bath in the toilet and throw him in there.
I don't know. So yeah, that two-man tent with a sleeping bag still gets me, but I'm not screwed.
I'm not screwed with you guys. Look this up. It actually happened.
I mean, the sleeping bag would have swirled.
You thought so? Yeah.
I don't see how it would have got down there.
Well, you know, someone had to go into there and open up the pipe and get whatever is out.
Some poor bastard was pulling out this tent and the sleeping bag, probably going, what the hell?
And scratching his head and going, how the hell did this happen?
And then, you know, probably going back to the shop and going, yeah, I found out what was clogging it.
And then you pull out this. It was this right here.
What?
Anyhow, I don't know how this happened, but it is recorded in history that this did happen.
The next one after rubber ducks is socks. And I got that one.
Okay. Someone can't find the drain plug, right?
Right. So they're like, hmm. Yeah. Yeah.
Or a washcloth. Yeah, a washcloth or something like that.
So that's how the socks happen. I see that. And I bet you that is uncommon, but not so uncommon.
I'll bet you that happens a few times.
Hey, but how the hell? If you use a sock for a drain plug, it would be either in the sink or the tub.
I still don't see the sock fitting down because you got the basket.
Again, I don't have an answer for this.
Everything I'm here, well, everything but the damn tent and sleeping bag could go down in the toilet.
I got this original story from Fox 4 in Kansas City. You know Fox 4, right? Channel 4?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, I know Fox 4.
Yeah, yeah, they're great. I got it this morning.
And in the morning, they do this little odd news section thing and they tell you odd news.
And they're talking about this UK study and what people found in their drain pipes.
And they mentioned the two-man tent with a sleeping bag. I'm like, oh, okay, they got me on this one.
This has got to go to the podcast. Yeah.
So not only did they report it, I looked it up. I looked it up several times. I cross-referenced it.
This looks like it really did happen.
There you go, people. There you go.
So socks was the next one. And we're sure how that happened.
Someone could find the drain plug and they're like, oh, I'll put this sock in there.
It got washed down somehow.
Yeah, yeah, I mean, you got to use your worst cloth. Well, I'll just use my dirty socks.
Yeah, yeah, I need the washcloth to wash my ass with. So, you know, the socks are going to have to do.
The next one, adult toys. I think we know how that happened, right?
That's got to be toilet. I'm telling you, dude, that's got to be toilet.
It's like, man, I need to keep entertaining while I'm taking a dump. Ding ding. Oh.
I could get no sexual toy down my bathtub drain. No.
I don't have any reason of how they did it.
I can't even get my son's long ass hair out of the damn drain.
Man, I know what you mean, man. A little bit of hair. It takes forever to get out of that.
Oh, no, dude. My 19 year old son's hair is about to build his back.
But he takes care of it, so I can't bitch about it.
Yeah, I mean, you get the long hairs in your drain, but I mean, you know, hey, he takes care of it.
So, yeah. So he's got a lot of kids beat right there, doesn't he?
Yeah.
OK, so then after the adult toys were teeth indentures. Yeah.
I still don't know how they went down, but they did.
So it's got to be another toilet.
I guess like old man Ferguson was taking his teeth out.
And after he got done pissing, he was going to go put them in their little box or whatever they put them in.
I think they put them in a little box, right? With like some sort of cleaner, maybe.
Oh, no, old man Ferguson had to go so bad. He got whipped out. It started coming out. It felt so good. He spit his damn teeth out.
That's what happened then, Rob. Old man Ferguson. He's like, gosh, man, I needed to piss for three years.
I've been waiting for that day when the piss feels that good.
Next one. Turkey bones.
I don't know. Do what?
Kitchen sink. Oh, you're right.
Kitchen garbages disposal. Yeah, you're right.
Yeah, the garbage disposal doesn't chew them up enough.
OK, so the turkey bones could spit down and then they get washed.
Actually, I don't know. Some of them are pretty small. They could fit down in the drain.
Well, yeah, yeah. I mean, the turkey bones.
I could see turkey bone.
I could, too. Then the next one.
The smaller, griffin slitty ones. You know what I mean?
Yeah, easily. Or the wishbone off the turkey because turkeys have wishbones, too.
So, yeah. Yeah.
Next one. Brussels sprouts.
Huh? Brussels sprouts. You know those little round green things, those little round fucking front gums?
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
So that had to happen at a kitchen sink, I guess.
Someone's washing down their Brussels sprouts and lost a few of them.
Have it. Most kitchen sinks have a basket of development sometimes.
Maybe these ones that just happened don't.
I know what you mean, Rob, and you really know what you're talking about
because you used to do maintenance on apartments and you had to deal with shit like this all the time.
And I know enough about it, too, because I've dealt with stuff like this, too,
that they have a basket that catches this stuff to prevent it from hurting anything else.
It's called like a grease trap. I think that's what they call it, right? A grease trap?
Well, you have the pea trap underneath the sink.
But at the bottom of your sink, there's like a little basket where your drain is.
You know, you get food particles, you got to poke it out, whatever, you know.
Yeah, I've dealt with that a lot.
Before you put your stop at.
I don't see how a damn whole Brussels sprout would sit down there.
Unless somebody did a bad job of cooking them and flushing down the toilet.
Maybe all these were flushed down the toilet. I don't know.
I know the tent and the sleeping bag had to have been flushed down the toilet
because there's no fucking way it could be in...
It couldn't go down any other drain. It's just simply too small. It hadn't been a toilet.
OK, the tent, I can see. No, no, I know more.
How the hell you get them damn holes to flush down the toilet?
I don't know. I don't know. You know what?
The toilet even snakes.
We're never going to figure this out, Rob.
They had to have taken the pipe apart and shoved it in there.
Then that's probably what they did out of spite or something.
Maybe it was an apartment complex and they're getting kicked out.
Yeah, out of spite or just to get their name put out on our show.
That's it. They're like, two douchebags of microphone will cover this.
So go ahead and throw this tent and the sleeping bag down the drain.
That's what it is.
I just don't see that, dude. I cannot think of any physical way possible.
I'm just going to go ahead and move on because every time I try to make sense out of it...
Yeah, yeah, let's move on because we're going to dwell on this the rest of the day.
We keep doing it. We keep going back to it like how did it happen?
You know what? We're never going to figure it out, so let's just move on.
Next one, bananas. Another one.
How do you lose bananas down a drainpipe?
And then finally, the last odd thing that was found in drainpipes in the UK was a pipe stuck inside another pipe.
And that would probably happen if someone had the wrong inside diameter of a pipe.
Yeah.
Yeah, I've had that almost happen to me. You try to match them up and they're like, whoo, oh shit.
So that one's pretty easy.
You leave that one there and just throw another one on.
Yeah, and you'll throw another one on. It's like, okay, well, it isn't three quarters because that's down there.
It must be an edge.
Now, the US.
Hey, now, wait a second. You just said UK.
Yes. This is the US now.
Were all of those out of the UK?
Every one of those was out of the UK. I have a US list, too.
Oh, okay. Well, that might be the deal. Maybe they don't have the baskets in the bottom. They're kids.
You know what? You're probably right.
Maybe they're like old school.
Well, this is what people found over here.
Okay, yeah.
And this is all online and I looked at it several times and I found this on three different sources.
And I wish I would have wrote them down. But anyhow, you can look them up real easily.
In the US, the first odd one was a flight log that was laminated. So when dissolved.
A flight log like airplanes.
Okay.
A laminated flight log was found in a drain in the US.
Next one.
That was somebody up to no good or something.
That's what I think, too.
The next one, cell phones. It said cell phones are becoming common.
People losing their cell phone down the drain. It must be one of the minis.
A mini would fit down a drain real easily.
Like a toilet drain. You're taking a dump, looking at your phone.
Mine wouldn't. Mine would not go all the way through.
Have you ever seen the mini ones? The mini droids?
Yeah, the mini ones. Yeah. I can see they could.
I have a feeling it's probably mini ones because it said that these have multiple of them.
So, okay, I see how that happened. That's pretty easy to see.
It's probably a little miniature droid or something.
Next one. $12,000 in quarters.
That would have to be combined.
It had to have been like... That could not be in one line.
It must have been...
Or this is some more bullshit going on.
Maybe someone tried to hide a theft.
Somebody's placing it there. Yeah, somebody robbed a bank or robbed somebody.
Yeah, yeah, like robbed vending machines and they got $12,000 in quarters.
And they're like, oh, I'll hide them in a drain pipe.
And they got kicked out and had to leave.
I don't know. I would have grabbed that $12,000 before I grabbed anything.
Well, they had to have reported it, I guess, because it's here. It was on the internet.
Unless they went to jail and then the plumber had found it.
That could have been. That could have been too.
Could be.
Next one. A bottle of ketchup.
Must not have been Heinz.
No.
It was always saved. Always saved ketchup.
That's what it was doing in the sewer.
Yeah, it was an op-ramp.
Yeah, yeah.
Next one. It was found in a drain pipe.
A can of beer.
It must have been light beer.
It'll travel further, right?
Yeah, it just, well, it should just float on through.
Yeah, yeah.
Another one. I don't know.
The only thing I can think of is someone was trying to purposely clog a toilet.
You know, like how people used to do that all the time.
They would clog the toilet out of meanness or whatever.
Because I went into plenty of public restrooms where someone threw a bunch of shit down a toilet.
And it's overflowing everywhere.
And someone thought it was cute or whatever.
So I think a can of beer would probably be along those lines.
Someone would go, hey, watch this, man.
Watch me throw this fucking Coors Light down this stool.
Ha ha ha.
Had to have been that.
And then the next one was a Raider's Jersey.
They misunderstood the drain pipe and thought it was a sewer pipe.
That was definitely a toilet.
Yes, it was a toilet.
So in a related story, since we're talking about England,
the man who claimed to be selling Queen Elizabeth's walking stick is sentenced for fraud.
A 26-year-old man who tried to sell a walking stick he claimed was Queen Elizabeth's
charged with fraud on his eBay account.
So then after that, someone claimed they found Jamar Chase's balls.
It turned out to be false.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What happened to the dude?
He went to jail for fraud.
Or he's being charged with fraud on his eBay account.
So we don't know how much time he's received or anything?
It is still in the court system.
I just wonder if that would just be a slap on the hands or that would be life in prison over there.
I'm going to look this up periodically.
Okay.
And I will let you know because this was a new article.
This one just came out about this guy doing this.
Well, I didn't mean to interrupt you.
No, no, no, it's fine.
That story just kind of piqued my interest there.
No, no, I understand that.
So the guy was on this is the way I understand it because he was charged with fraud on his eBay account.
Number one, his eBay account, it may not be English law.
eBay is from America, so he may have broken American laws and have to deal with it.
I don't know how this works on the Internet, you see, because it sounds to me like he was trying to sell these fraudulent walking sticks to Americans.
You mean that's what the Queen of England used to use?
Yes.
But it was...
Okay, well, I could see that, but fraud.
I was just wondering, are they going to give him, you know, like two years probation?
Well, I don't know.
Or are they going to give him life in prison?
I don't know.
This is something to be determined because he was charged with fraud on his eBay account is what it said.
You see what I'm saying?
So this was his...
I got you.
No, I got you.
This was his eBay account.
So, I... oh no, I...
You're right.
That could have crossed over here.
Yeah, I don't know how those laws work.
And it sounded to me like, although the article did specifically say it, it sounds to me like he was trying to sell them to rubes in America on eBay is what it sounded like.
That would not surprise me a bit.
Yeah.
Real quick.
Hi, Grandma Opal.
We love you.
Dodge City, Kansas, you rule.
And so does your son.
And as soon as he sends me his name, we'll say his name too.
So...
It's a grandson.
Oh, was it a grandson?
Okay.
Her grandson.
I was thinking originally it was a grandson.
I think you're right.
It might be a son, but...
I think it was grandson, but in my own mind, I changed it to her son.
I'm pretty sure it was a grandson.
It is some type of son that loves his grandma very much.
And we love him for that.
Yes.
And he helps her get two douchebags and a microphone every weekend.
So anyhow, hi Grandma Opal.
Thank you for listening.
We love you.
So anyhow, along these lines here, you know, there was a man he claimed to have found Jamar Chase's balls.
And he was going to sell them on eBay.
But it turns out Jamar Chase...
I don't believe it.
He doesn't have any balls.
So he got charged before.
Exactly.
Yes.
So anyhow, Rob, you got something you want to go into?
Yeah, I got one here for you.
Okay.
And I actually just found this right before we went on the air.
Okay.
And I found on ABC News.
Okay.
An Amish family had their horse and buggy stolen while they shopped at a Michigan Walmart,
as police say.
Oh, that's evil.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, it gets better.
Okay.
It always does, doesn't it?
It does.
The theft took place on Saturday at approximately 5.30 p.m. in the town of Sturgis, Michigan,
some 95 miles south of Grand Rapids near the Indiana border.
When the Sturgis Police Department and Public Safety were called to the Walmart on 1500
South Centerville Road to a report of a stolen Amish buggy and horse from the establishment
of Parkamont, a truck driver parked in a Walmart lot had seen a female steal the buggy, according
to a statement from the Sturgis Department of Public Safety.
He gave police a description of the female subject.
As it turns out, police had already made contact with the 31-year-old female suspect earlier
in the day at the same Walmart, though officials did not elaborate on why they had spoken to
her or what the reason behind the contact was.
I can guess.
Yeah.
That was my words, by the way.
Police eventually found the stolen horse and buggy later the same evening and were able
to find the alleged unnamed suspect at a nearby motel where she was arrested without incident,
according to a story.
Okay.
Wow.
Now they're getting her for stealing livestock.
Oh, that's the best thing I can get her on.
Yeah, livestock.
Yes.
Yeah, that's prison.
That's guaranteed prison time because that goes into the same thing as cattle rustling.
Oh, and that's right.
The animal was unarmed during the ordeal.
You know cattle rustling is a big deal, right?
Oh, yes.
Yeah, yeah.
You will go to prison for several years for cattle rustling, so stealing livestock is probably
the sternest charge they could get on her.
Probably even more than grand theft auto, if you will, but they probably really couldn't
do that.
The stolen livestock is serious, so she is probably going to see some jail time over
this.
Yeah, they could get her on the stolen livestock and the stolen buggy.
The buggy might classify as some sort of transfer.
I'm not sure how that would work.
I'm not sure if the only way they can get grand theft auto would be it would have to
have motorized.
I don't know, but I know that...
Yeah, yeah, it would have to be motorized.
Then the stolen livestock should carry a lot of clout because those are laws that have
been around for many, many years to protect people from getting their livelihood stolen
from them because people used to cattle rustle.
They'd steal people's cattle all the time.
A farmer would wake up and 10 cattle were gone.
He just went bankrupt.
That carries a very stern sentence and she deserves it.
Well, I have four words for this woman.
Okay.
Stay away from meth.
Yep.
Oh, wait a second.
You're going to jail.
You will.
Good for you.
Yeah, yeah.
You're going to have a great chance to detox now, girl.
Yep.
You're picking on me on this.
Come on.
They got enough problems as it is.
That's fucking low.
All they need is one fucking bad case of influenza and it wipes out three quarters of them.
You're picking on them.
That's like slapping a handicapped child, right?
Right.
Yeah.
Wow.
Yeah, meth is a horrible deal, guys.
There are some good cooks.
Yeah, hell yeah, man.
They're great.
They've got some of the best food there.
Have you ever been up to Jamesport?
Yeah, I've been to Jamesport.
What's that place down here by me?
Oh, Oceola.
No, not Oceola.
There's a lot of Amish around Oceola, too.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, I love Jamesport.
Oh, I know where you're talking about down there a little bit closer to Camdenton.
I can't think of the name of it.
Yeah, the name.
Yeah, it's—
Out by Max Creek.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's another huge Amish area.
Jamesport is great because they used to go up there, and you could buy those really fantastic breads that they cooked, and pastries, and their furniture is—
Oh, yeah.
Their furniture is handcrafted, handmade.
And anyhow, it's a pretty popular area.
A lot of people go there to go to the Amish restaurants that are there because, man, they have some crazy good food there, like the fried chicken.
You ever tried to fry chicken at one of the places there?
No, not up there.
Not in Jamesport.
Okay.
Oh, there's one in Choctaw or Chata—Chata, I think, is a—it looks like Chateau or Choteau or something like that.
Oklahoma—what is it called?
The Dutch skillet or the Dutch pantry or something like that.
Oh, my God, the chicken there.
It's right off 69 Highway, and it's over there kind of near the Grand Lakes, but over on the other side.
Yeah.
On the west side of Grand Lakes, where 69 goes through there, you know, underneath the I-44 corridor and down to the south, I don't know, maybe 20 miles or so.
And I think it's pronounced Chata, Oklahoma or something like that.
And there's a really kick-ass Amish restaurant there.
Oh, Chata, Choteau?
Yeah, it's spelled like Choteau.
Is it pronounced like Choteau?
I always thought it was pronounced different.
I don't know. Does it spell like it? I don't know.
It's spelled like Choteau.
I don't have it in Germany, sir.
Oh, well, you know what?
If it's spelled like Choteau, then I would say Choteau.
Okay, then Choteau, Oklahoma is an Amish restaurant.
It is so delicious, man.
Their fried chicken is like some sort of a buttermilk recipe.
Oh, it's so good, isn't it?
Their pies are—man, anyhow.
All right, we'll move on from that because, you know, there's only so much you can say.
Yeah, because I just ate dinner and you're making me hungry again.
Same here.
I had pork steak.
Oh, pork steak sounds good.
Oh, it was good.
I had a salad because I need to cut back for the next eight or nine days
because the cruise is coming up and I know I'm going to be overeating on that motherfucker.
So, yep, so—
Yeah, you want to be able to fit in your Speedo.
Yes, yeah, my Leopard Striped Speedo, of course.
Yes, yeah.
So be tuned into our Facebook Two Douchebags and Microphone page
for my Leopard Skin Speedo that will be shown there.
What do you think?
Well, yeah, how many followers we have?
Forget it now, they just all unsubscribe.
Oh, what if you? What if you?
They unsubscribe now. It's done.
Like, I don't want to see that shit.
Well, some of them know you, Mark.
Yeah, this is true.
This is true.
Okay, I'm a light-headed.
Did we take our second break yet or not?
No, we have not.
Okay, let's take our second break and come back with some more shit.
That sound good?
Yeah.
And now, Deep Thoughts with Mark.
If your car could travel at the speed of light,
will your headlights work?
Hm, I may never know.
Next up, Things Overheard in Hell.
Spam, with Spam Helper tonight.
How yummy.
Our constant pursuit for a real knee-slapper.
It's strange insults from an alien.
Real hilarity.
May you not be able to gain an erection
without thinking about Peter Dinklage.
Next up, Things Overheard in Hell.
Great news.
William Hung's world tour has been extended.
Two douchebags and a microphone.
The audio equivalent to the meat sweats.
Brick Shit House Energy Drink.
That's right.
Brick Shit House Energy Drink.
Make men feel good at home.
Chimney balls.
You want to fuck shit up?
You want to force gun across America?
Brick Shit House is for you.
Please enjoy Brick Shit House Energy Drink responsibly.
It's not readily available anywhere.
Because of liability issues.
Hey look, I think we found land.
Oh my god, I think we're safe.
Oh no.
It's the island of horrible jokes.
Why do golfers take an extra pair of socks with them when they golf?
In case they get a hole in one.
Music.
Two douchebags and microphone.
I'm Mark.
And I am Rob.
Alright, I got an interesting...
This was on TikTok.
And it garnered a lot of views because it was funny.
Buffalo Bills fans, if you're looking for someone to blame for the Tyler Bass kick that went wide right.
And doomed your team to another playoff loss to the Kansas City Chiefs.
Don't aim your sights at the kicker.
No, instead you have to blame a Chiefs die hard with a standing fan.
As you'll see in the video below is what it says because there was a video there.
A dude literally took out a fan and started blowing the air from the left of his television.
With people in the house watching.
And sure enough Bass's kick flew wide right of the goal post.
It's really funny because the guy, as soon as the guy, Tyler Bass is getting ready to kick the ball.
He grabs a standing fan and he put it on the side of the TV.
Making it look like he was creating air to knock the ball wide right.
And sure enough the ball goes wide right and the whole fucking...the whole house erupts.
It's just funny because it looks like it really happened because of how smooth he was doing it.
He's just like, oh I want to watch this.
Then he turns on the fan and then it goes wide right.
And that's been getting a lot of views.
And then in a related story, it seems as though the Bills mafia gets a little butt hurt.
When you continually kick the living shit out of their team at playoff time.
The little bitches like to throw snowballs at Chiefs players and Patrick Mahomes in particular.
Well Bills mafia, you have six months to work on your snowball game.
Use it wisely.
You'll be needing it against next year.
Oh wait, unless the refs don't steal the home game away from Kansas City again.
I got a feeling we have an ass-palling tournament over that one.
Ooh, hang on.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh you hadn't even thought it?
I figured you already thought about that.
I figured you had it rolled out.
I'm off my game today dude.
I'm telling you.
I'm okay.
Bills mafia, great call.
Throwing snowballs.
Okay, there we go.
That, Rob, thank you.
How in the hell could I have missed that?
You are welcome.
That's why we work so well together, brother.
That is why.
And plus some of the stories you come up with are just fucking insane, dude.
I enjoy the hell out of them.
Actually, I have a good one about...
Oh, go ahead.
...Everett Saler here in a few minutes.
Oh, he's wanting to become a nurse.
Get to your story.
Yeah, go ahead.
I hope I didn't steal your thunder.
Well, now, finish doing what you were doing.
Oh, okay.
Ozzy Osbourne has had horrible health in the last few years, right?
Right.
He's had like, I don't know, how many surgeries, like maybe eight surgeries on his back.
Something like that, yeah.
It started back in I think, 04 it was.
And it was an ATV accident.
And it was filmed live.
They had to cut, they had to literally cut the camera off.
The guy had to tell him, hey, this is serious, cut it off, cut it off.
But Ozzy was fucked up.
He almost died.
And he had to have a series of neck and back surgeries.
And they weren't even sure if he was going to be able to walk again, but he was.
So anyhow, fast forward 2019.
He is doing good.
I mean, he's in some pain, but he's doing good.
And he's able to manage the pain enough to where he can do concerts and shows.
He's not as mobile as he used to be, but he can do them fairly well.
2019, he fell down the stairs in his Beverly Hills home and re-injured the injury.
So then, this is what Ozzy said.
And he said that like some surgeon that they went to told him, you got to have a surgery,
you got to have it now, otherwise you're going to wind up paralyzed.
And Ozzy seems to think like maybe the guy was just trying to get a surgery, a high-price surgery.
He said that the guy fucked up his back really bad and his neck.
And anyhow, he ended up having to have another surgery.
And then when the surgery tally was done, there was a couple of surgeries in between there to tweak things.
And then his neck to his backbone pretty much disintegrated because of all the surgeries
and they had to put a rod in it and all this stuff.
Well, he just had this what he self-proclaimed final surgery to correct all of that.
And he said this will determine the rest of his life.
So anyhow, I think he's pretty much, he said he's never going to tour again,
but he's not opposed to doing one-off shows.
So what he is, is he's planning to do two farewell shows in Birmingham, England,
his hometown where Black Sabbath originated, and that's going to be it for his career.
Unless he puts out another album, but he's not sure if he's going to put out another album.
But he said that he's planning two shows and they're probably going to come up here, I don't know, in maybe a year or so.
He's got to heal a little bit more, but he's doing two final shows in Birmingham, England.
And the tickets for that are probably going to be insane because this is the last time you're ever going to see Ozzy Osbourne on stage.
And this is assuming that he can do it.
The guy is 75 years old and he is fucked up from all these surgeries.
Now, if he can do it, for people that care like me, it might be worth it to go see him if you have the money.
If you don't, then he's fucked up.
And if you remember, they just moved back to England, so he's not even going to be traveling.
No, no, no, no, no, no. He's going to just...
In other words, he can't travel anymore.
No, he's just going to get in a car and they're going to take him there and he's going to get on stage.
Yeah.
And yeah, interesting. I hope this though.
You know how Kiss did the pay-per-view, their final show?
Yeah.
I hope Ozzy does that if he gets to do these two final shows.
I hope they offer pay-per-view to everybody.
So fans like me, the big great fans of him all their life, who just adore him.
Oh, God. He's been a major part of our lives, Mark.
Yeah, yeah. I would love the opportunity.
I know mine and your lives.
Yeah. Oh, everybody I know.
I'm sure a lot of our listeners.
Even people who don't even listen to that kind of music have a respect for him.
I mean, come on. How many NFL stadiums around the country plays crazy train?
Oh, God, about all of them now. It's funny how that's accepted now.
It used to be like, oh, my God, you can't play that heavy metal fringe stuff.
No way. Now it's common.
Now you hear crazy train.
Yeah, yeah, it's common.
So yeah, it's almost kind of depressing when you hear crazy train on Musac.
It's like, I don't know if I ever wanted it to go this far.
You know, something's got to be sacred.
So anyhow, I hope he gets to do these shows.
I hope they're on pay per view.
And yes, I will be a subscriber to those two shows.
And anyhow, we turned to Rob.
Rob's got some sort of a story he's chomping at the bit for us.
So Rob, go right on ahead.
Yeah, and this came off USA Today.
All right.
And this is about our guy Clyde Edwards Haller from the Kansas City Chiefs.
Really good guy, Haller.
Do you know the story about his name?
Yeah, yeah.
And you'll understand that.
Oh, oh, oh, OK.
This isn't the story I thought you were going to talk about.
Go ahead.
No, no, it is the story you were thinking of.
OK.
Well, if it doesn't go into it, I'll explain the name thing afterwards.
No, no, this has nothing to do with names.
OK, well, go ahead with your story and I'll tell you the story.
All right.
Former LSU running back Clyde Edwards Haller is currently chasing another Super Bowl ring with the Kansas City Chiefs.
While that is going on, there's another thing Edwards Haller is focusing on.
Clyde has revealed that he is working towards a nursing degree off the field.
Some things are bigger than football, and this would classify as bigger than football.
Edwards Haller knows that one day his football career will end and he is trying to prepare his life for after football.
It's kind of enjoyable because it kind of feels like college, Edwards Haller said, per on three.
It's one of those things where there's nothing to really do out here. It's always snowing.
So I'm not doing anything else but leaving work and then going to school stuff.
Shout out to my fiance. She kind of helping me with the scheduling ordeal and all that's been added.
In the future, if any of you all need some shots or IVs or anything, holler at your boy.
That's a pretty good little article.
I knew he was a good guy because one of the first things I read about Allaire is, and this is my story about him,
the reason he has a hyphenated name like that is Edwards and Allaire.
Edwards is the last name of his real dad and Allaire is the last name of his stepdad who raised him and he loves like a father.
So to honor him and his father both, he went with both names, Clyde Edwards Haller.
I could have done that. I could have done that.
Really? Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Go ahead if you want to. I remember you telling me about that.
Well, no, I had my biological dad that got killed. Yeah, he was murdered.
And then I had my stepdad that buried my mom when I was three and he's the one that raised me.
I mean, even my dad up to the day he died.
I got a question and hopefully this isn't too personal. If it is, I'll clip it out of this show.
How old were you when your dad was murdered?
How old was I? Yeah.
Ninety-four, so I was twenty-five.
Oh, OK. Yeah, I guess it was like that.
No, I know. I hadn't even seen my dad since my third birthday.
Wow. And he was murdered by a fourteen-year-old, right?
Close enough. Yeah, six miles away from my house in a liquor store.
He owned a liquor store.
I went to buy a liquor as a minor. I used to buy liquor from my own biological father.
He just never told me because they didn't do that shit back then.
Rob, I used to go there and talk to the guy and I bought liquor from him all the time.
I had no idea he was your real dad.
The bigger dude with the beard? Yeah, yeah.
That was my biological dad. Yeah, Ron. He was a cool guy.
Ron was my biological dad.
I had no freaking idea.
That's a tab bar. Neither did I until the night he died.
Oh, shit. OK.
All right, now that's a little twist on there I didn't know.
OK. Yeah, there's a big twist there, dude.
OK, well. Where I was at when I found out everything.
Wow. And then from what I understand, the fucker that killed him got out in like a year or something, didn't he?
No, he was, let's see, when it happened he was 13.
He did juvie time, got out the day he was 18.
And then a few years later he fucked up again.
He murdered someone else, I thought. Yeah.
And the rest of his life.
Well, that'd be a good place for someone like that.
But his total agreement, he was not by himself that day.
So whoever was with him didn't get charged?
Well, yeah, exactly.
And this is only information that only family had.
And this is what was told to me.
But they never did find out?
The police department was that this 13 year old got another family.
OK, all right, Rob.
I still kind of keep an eye out after my little brother, my baby brother.
That's cool.
Who happened to be like two or three at the time.
And his life was totally fucked up.
That's too bad.
Let's go into completely different here and end this podcast on a high note.
OK, Rob?
The most ordered top brunch foods of 2023.
Sounds good.
All right.
First one was omelets.
Omelets took number one, slightly over number two, eggs benedict.
After omelets and eggs benedict, number three was French toast.
All these sound about right, don't they?
Yeah, I would definitely have the omelet over the eggs benedict.
I would too.
I'd have the French toast in front of eggs benedict, but that's just me.
And then number four was steak and eggs.
And actually, I think I would go omelets, steak and eggs.
OK, now I don't even know if eggs benedict even be on the menu.
OK, right now I'm taking eggs benedict.
I haven't even heard number five yet.
OK, number five is pancakes.
You know what?
Let's go ahead and just scratch out eggs benedict on the list.
Yeah, eggs benedict.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's gone.
Number six would be hash browns.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Right up here.
I think hash browns deserve to be up a little ways too because, I mean, can you eat an omelet without hash browns?
I don't know if it's possible.
I don't like to hear mine.
Next one, a breakfast burrito.
A breakfast burrito to me might be right after steak and eggs and number three.
Omelets, breakfast burrito, and then a steak and eggs.
And then a hash toast and pancakes and all that stuff.
The next one would be a breakfast bowl.
OK.
Next one after that would be oatmeal.
I'm surprised oatmeal wasn't further up on the list.
Are you serious?
Yeah.
Don't you think, I mean, I like oatmeal, but I'm not that huge a fan of it.
I would be able to hear my breakfast.
OK. The next one is muffins.
And then the last one that made the list was tarts.
What's your list?
What's yours?
Where the hell is biscuits and gravy?
Oh my God.
That was off of here.
It wasn't even on there.
No, it was.
Are you sure you didn't misread that?
It was biscuits and gravy and not eggs and pancakes?
It was a printout.
Because it was up there.
It was a printout.
That should have been where biscuits and gravy should have been.
I mean, hell, that's an American favorite.
Yeah, it is.
Let me look again.
No, I printed the story out.
Oh, shit. I know what it is.
What?
They asked millennials and Gen Zers.
That's probably it right there.
They have no idea what biscuits and gravy is.
Oh no, my son does.
Hell, we had it last night for dinner.
Well, yours does, but I'll bet you most of them don't.
Yeah.
Wow, I never even thought about that, Rob.
Biscuits and gravy being left out.
Hey, I'll tell you what.
I'm going to look for another list of top brunch foods, but not 2023.
I'll go 2021 and see what's on there.
All right.
Okay, everybody, thank you for listening.
Okay.
Okay, everybody, next podcast.
Mark and I both have our top 15 classic rock songs.
Yes.
We just don't have them put in order yet.
That's funny that we have the songs we don't have them put in order, both of us.
That's the same with me.
I jot them all down periodically when I would think of one, and then I was like,
I don't know what order to put them in, so they're just all scrambled right now.
But I got an idea.
Yeah, I got mine jotted down.
I just haven't had time.
I had a busy evening tonight.
And I've had a very expensive dinner.
Well, yesterday I was sick, and today I'm like really lightheaded.
Right, right.
And I'll forgive you for that.
Oh, thank you.
Well, I'm probably lightheaded because I was sick yesterday, or at least I'm going with that.
So anyhow, I will get all of that straight.
You do offer sick times.
Yeah, you know what, you're right.
Yes, yes.
I mean, it's the least I could do for you working for free, right?
Equal opportunity employers.
That's right.
We watch what we're doing in here, two douchebags and a microphone.
All right, everybody, thank you for listening.
Have a great night.
Good night, everybody.
I'm coming for you.
Hey, where did everybody go?
Where are the douchebags?
Oh my God, someone took a dump in the corner.
Oh geez.
Glad they're gone.
Let's just hope they don't come back.
Man, that smells.